PRIDE UNPREJUDICED... Surpassing Russia and Great Britain, the US is the top supplier of weapons to Third World nations. Which isn't as bad as it seems. What proud American wouldn't be proud to be shot with a gun proudly made by proud Americans?
WATERMARK... A new congressional report claims that Blackwater operatives have been involved in 195 shootings since 2005. A record for the Bush administration even without counting Cheney.
RIGHT TO STRIFE... Evangelists James Dobson and Tony Perkins warn that evangelicals will abandon the Republicans for a third party if Giuliani, a pro-abortionist in their opinion, is nominated. They promise the new party will have the cahones to challenge Row v. Wade and will be called the "Evantesticles."
GO IN NOW, JAMES... Actress Lois Maxwell, who appeared in fourteen Bond pictures as "Miss Moneypenny," has died at age 80. Adjusted to the declining US dollar, she'd be known today as "Miss Money Tenth-of-a-Cent."
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SPOOKS DUPED... A Justice Department study shows that the FBI could easily be infiltrated by double agents. And without Miss Moneypenny, England isn't much better off.
GROUND ZERO... AD-Air UK will install horizontal billboards around airports that are visible only to airline passengers. To add insult to injury, they'll include ads for luggage.
MOTHER DECREE... A Los Angeles judge has revoked Britney Spears' joint child custody rights and awarded them exclusively to K Fed. He also ordered her to stop trying to lip synch.
ROGER THAT... The makers of Hostess Twinkies have reported no progress in its talks with the Teamsters Union. Things may turn around, however, when Rubber Duckie finds a case of Twinkies stuffed into his exhaust manifold.
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"Border relations between Canada and Mexico have never been better."
George W. Bush 9/24/2001 Washington DC
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GOLDEN 'CHUTE... Vladimir Putin has indicated that he may appoint himself Prime Minister of Russia before his term as president runs out, which could keep him in power until 2024. For God's sake, don't tell Bush about this.
BUZZZ... TSA has ordered airport screeners to examine more closely all remotely controlled devices in carry-on luggage. And some passengers may be required to demonstrate the use of sex toys.
SWEET SORROW... Hershey has laid off 3000 workers in six plants---Each of whom received a chocolate kiss with "So long---been nice" printed on that little white strip.
COMBOVER... In her new book, "Celebrity Detox: The Fame Game," Rosie O'Donnell describes Donald Trump as "Totally creepy. He was sadistic in a deeply distrubing way." Worse, she suspects something evil is living in his hair.
A Longtime Bob Hope Joke Writer Presents Daily Insightful Topical Satire Of Current Events (Illustrated) Plus Rare Photos From Hollywood's Bygone Era And Excerpts From THE LAUGH MAKERS By Robert L. Mills -- Color Photos From the Book and Rare Classic Vintage Video Clips! Send Your Show Biz Questions to "ASK BOB" at: TheLaughMakers@GMail.com
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