NO CIGAR... "My Grandfather's Son," the autobiography of Clarence Thomas, is now on sale in bookstores. The American Bar Association has rated Thomas "unqualified to write a book"--- almost the identical rating they gave him during his confirmation hearings.
BLACK KETTLE DEPT... In the book, Thomas describes Anita Hill as "a mediocre employee." And if anyone's an expert on mediocre, this is the guy.
MEA CULPA... The president of Columbia apologized for inviting the president of Iran to speak while the president of Duke University apologized for not supporting the lacrosse players. Could be a trend, but no apology so far from the president of Yale for George W. Bush.
CONSOLATION PRIZE... Bush has promised to veto the child health care bill because it would be funded by increases in the cigarette tax, which would not set well with the Big Tobacco lobby. In his defense, though, he did prevail upon Philip Morris to send each sick kid denied coverage a free carton of Marlboros.
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"We need an energy bill that encourages consumption."
George W Bush, 9/23/2002, Trenton, New Jersey
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GALAPAGOS GEORGE... In a speech to delegates at an environmental summit, Bush finally admitted that "global warming exists and mankind has contributed to it." And he told them by next year he hopes to understand that evolution exists and that man is the result of it.
FOR CHRIST'S SAKE... McCain says he would "prefer a Christian president," which he calls "an important part of our qualifications to lead." True---into an unwinnable war, record-breaking deficits, chaos following natural disasters, rising crime rates, unprecedented corruption, arrogance, graft, greed...
SORRY, CHARLIE... The pope has issued a document entitled "Dominus Iesus" that decrees that "non-Christians are in a grossly-deficient situation" when it comes to salvation. And apparently when it comes to the Oval Office. Could Benny be getting advice from McCain?
CRANIAL TERMITES... Disease control specialists worldwide are studying the amoeba "Naegleria Fowleri," which is found in warm water and possesses the ability to enter through the mouth, bore into the skull, and feed on the brain. Doctors are concerned, pointing out that it can do in a week what takes television decades to achieve.
AFTER YOU, ALFONSE... The California Bar Association has issued new "Guidelines of Civility and Professionalism" to help lawyers learn to treat one another more humanely. Among the rules of etiquette: "When two or more ambulance chasers arrive at the scene of an accident simultaneously, the one who first presents his card to the disabled victim wins."
FOOTWORK... The Minneapolis airport has installed floor-to-ceiling partitions between the toilets in the mens room---listed in the Home Depot catalogue as the "Larry Craig Stallmaster."
A Longtime Bob Hope Joke Writer Presents Daily Insightful Topical Satire Of Current Events (Illustrated) Plus Rare Photos From Hollywood's Bygone Era And Excerpts From THE LAUGH MAKERS By Robert L. Mills -- Color Photos From the Book and Rare Classic Vintage Video Clips! Send Your Show Biz Questions to "ASK BOB" at: TheLaughMakers@GMail.com
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