Monday 10/8/07

TIME BANDIT… The Rolex that OJ was ordered to turn over to the Goldmans turned out to be a $100 knockoff. But a good one---the Oyster Perpetual Day, Date, Alibi-adjust.

WHO’S SORRY NOW… Olympic track star Marion Jones made a tearful, heart-wrenching, court house steps apology for lying to federal agents about her steroid use. In fact, she got so carried away, she inadvertently confessed to killing Nicole Simpson, Ron Goldman and Lana Clarkson.

ZZZZZ… In Washington, Fred Thompson delivered a stultifyingly boring speech that McNeil-Lehrer’s Mark Shields described as “a cure for Sominex. About midway, someone in the crowd yelled “Do Buford Pusser!"

BODY COUNT… McCain said that as president he’d appoint Alan Greenspan to revamp the Tax Code and “… if he’s no longer alive, we’ll prop him up and put sunglasses on him like they did in ‘Weekend at Bernie’s’.” You know, kind of like what they do with Cheney’s weekend hunting victims.
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“It’s important for us to explain to our nation that life is important. It’s not only life of babies, but it’s life of children living in, you know, the dark dungeons of the internet.”

George W. Bush 10/24/00 Arlington Heights, ILL
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HENHOUSE DEPT… To stem the carnage of Iraqi civilians, Rice sent State Department employees to oversee those trigger-happy Blackwater mercenaries. Isn’t this a little like sending Marion Jones to the Olympics as a track and field drug tester?

TAKE TWO… George Rieveschi, who in 1946 gave up art to become a chemist and soon after invented Benedryl, has died at age 91. After a fitting memorial service, he was buried in a pink casket shaped like a football.

SCENT & SCENTABILITY… California State University Northridge is considering a ban on students wearing perfume on campus. Not good news for Yves St. Laurent’s new “Essence of Frat House” cologne for men.
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OUR LADY OF POND SCUM… Orange County, CA bishop Tod Brown has been charged with contempt of court for sending a monsignor charged with pedophilia while serving at Mater Die High School out of the country to escape prosecution. Mater Die is Latin for “Give a douche bag a scepter and a pointy hat… “

HITCHCOCK REVISITED… Ornithologists in New Caledonia have observed crows that seem to possess the ability to use tools. Which they often put to the test by building straw-filled effigies of farmers.

ORAL DISSERTATION… Oral Roberts, Jr., president of Oral Roberts University, has been sued by school benefactors for squandering college funds on expensive clothes, cars, jewelry, cell phones, electronic equipment and vacation trips. Hello! Hey, the guy is a bible-thumping evangelist. That’s his JOB.

CHEERS!… Kevin Costner says he has lost $40 million in “green” projects including a scheme to develop a chemical-free battery. Seems after drinking his own in “Waterworld,” he mistakenly placed a lot of faith in urine.
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WORKING LATE TONIGHT… Guiliani frequently tells supporters that “I’m probably one of the four or five best known Americans in the world.” Best known adulterer for sure.

MIDDLE AISLE SEVEN… A couple who met and dated while training as WalMart employees, were married in the Springfield, Ohio store. They’re registered at Home Improvement, Electronics and the Garden Center.

GOING ONCE… A bidder paid $47,100 in a charity auction for a chance to appear in a movie with Will Ferrell. Even better, another bidder paid $62,700 not to.

ACHTUNG!… Human rights activists complained when the Google Earth satellite revealed that a Navy barracks in California is shaped like a swastika. Also causing concern in Washington, when viewed from above, Bush’s house, garage, barn and bunkhouse in Crawford spell out “Here Lives an Idiot.”
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“They want the federal government controlling Social Security like it’s some kind of federal program”

George W. Bush 11/2/07 St. Charles, Missouri
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