Monday 10/15/07

SWITCHEROO… Ann Coulter told an interviewer that “In an ideal America, everyone would be a Christian. Jews should be perfected through Christianity.” Ann has been into seeking perfection since his/her sex-change surgery proved so darn successful.

MARCUS WELBY… McCain tells the Des Moines Rotary Club: “The solution, my friends, isn’t a one-size-fits-all big government takeover of health care.” John’s solution, inspired mainly by boyhood memories, would involve bloodletting, leech therapy and bed rest.

P’s & Q’s… The NCAA has issued new “rules of decorum” for basketball coaches to penalize unsportsmanlike behavior. No longer allowed:
[1] Foul, demeaning or lewd language
[2] Obscene hand, arm or tongue gestures
[3] Casting doubt on opponent’s parentage
[4] Spitting
[5] Anything Bobby Knight does

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RUBBER GAME… The world’s leading condom experts convened in Seogwipo, South Korea to update international standards for the 14 billion condoms produced each year. Until now, they’ve been available in only three sizes: “Small,” “Medium,” and “Wilt Chamberlain.”

MEANING OF LIFE… The Dali Lama has arrived in the US for a three-day visit. When Bush presented him with the Congressional Gold Medal, he was so appreciative, he pardoned Marion Jones.

PEANUTS & CRACKER JACK… The Freedom From Religion Foundation kicked off its 30th national convention in Madison, WIS. In lieu of an opening prayer, they recited the lyrics from “Take Me Out To The Ballgame” in front of a portrait of Madelyn Murray O’Hare.

DEUS IN ADJUTORIAM NOSTRAM… The Vatican has suspended Monsignor Tommaso Stenico after he was caught on a hidden video camera telling a group of young men that he doesn’t consider gay sex a sin. Authorities became suspicious when they noticed he employed a particularly wide stance while celebrating Mass.

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“I like my buddies from West Texas. I liked them when I was young, I liked them when I was middle-age, I liked them before I was president, and I like them during president, and I like them after president.”

George W. Bush 2/1/06 Nashville, TENN
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LIFT OFF… The annual FBI crime report shows an increase in homicides and a decrease in assaults with firearms. Another welcome trend---astronaut stalkings have fallen off dramatically.

HOLE IN THE WALL… A photograph believed taken in the early 1800’s is thought to be the first visual depiction of pornography. Though difficult to identify, those pictured appear to be Butch Cassidy, The Sundance Kid, Etta Place and an unidentified mule.

BEE-REEP… Scientists in India have developed a reusable adhesive inspired by a substance found in the toe pads of tree frogs. As if Kermit weren’t already getting enough residuals.

UNANIMOUS… Evander Holyfield, 45, seeking his fifth heavyweight crown, lost a 12-round decision to Russian Sultan Ibragimov, 32, in Moscow. The judges had it 118-110, 117-111 and 117-111. On a slightly brighter note for Evander, he won healthiest blood pressure with 70/110 and best PSA at .03.