WIN ONE... The body of Notre Dame football legend George Gipp, who died of pneumonia in his senior year so Knute Rockne could inspire the team, has been exhumed to extract his DNA. Which scientists hope will help determine why Ronald Reagan was such a hammy actor.
Rx INDEX… The FDA rejects one third of all names proposed for new drugs, despite pharmaceutical companies spending $200,000 to $500,000 to come up with them. The agency’s stringent rules require that they be distinctive, not easily confused with other names and easy for Rush Limbaugh to pronounce.
CHI SHAKEUP… The Chicago Police Department has disbanded its elite Drug and Gang Unit after evidence surfaced that they were involved with assaults, home invasions and kidnapping. That’s the good news. The bad news: they’ve hired Blackwater.
EMBASSILITY… The scheduled opening of the $750 million US embassy in Baghdad has been postponed indefinitely due to cost overruns and shoddy workmanship. Some other problems:
[1] The storage rooms for the asbestos American flags are too small.
[2] Pipes leading to waterboarding room leak.
[3] No gun rack in Cheney’s office.
[4] Statue of Rumsfeld on the front lawn looks like David Hasselhoff.
[5] Blackwater operatives keep shooting out the windows.
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"I want everybody to hear loud and clear that I'm going to be the president of everybody."
George W. Bush 1/18/2001 Washington DC
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TECH SUPPORT… Immunologists at Duke University have discovered that the appendix, long thought superfluous, actually serves a useful purpose by producing beneficial bacteria that can “reboot” an ailing stomach. Even better, in the event of a crash, you can "reset" by poking a finger in your navel.
ROSE TATTOOED… Human rights activists are protesting China’s entry in this year’s Rose Parade. Also, they claim it’s a knockoff of last year’s Cartier float.
ROAMING CHARGES… Gary Forsee, the CEO of Sprint, has stepped down. The Board of Directors reluctantly accepted his text message of resignation.
OLE!… Taco Bell has opened its first restaurant in Mexico featuring the American version of the taco. Called a "tacostada," it comes with a complimentary green card.
A Longtime Bob Hope Joke Writer Presents Daily Insightful Topical Satire Of Current Events (Illustrated) Plus Rare Photos From Hollywood's Bygone Era And Excerpts From THE LAUGH MAKERS By Robert L. Mills -- Color Photos From the Book and Rare Classic Vintage Video Clips! Send Your Show Biz Questions to "ASK BOB" at: TheLaughMakers@GMail.com
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