MUSHROOM CLOUD… Bush tells Congress: “Stop Iran from getting nukes if you’re interested in stopping World War III.” Which sounded pretty ballsy until an aide later admitted that he had just warned the Dalai Lama that he’d invade Tibet if Jenna’s book didn’t make the New York Times Best Sellers’ List.
SILVER LINING… Bush’s approval rating has hit an all-time low: 24%. On a brighter note for the Skipper, he’s still two percentage points ahead of Chester the Molester.
PATHETIC GENETICS… Bush rejects a suggestion by some that Congress has made him “irrelevant.” He’s right. Why blame Congress for the handiwork of Barb and Bush the Elder?
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“That’s just the nature of democracy. Sometimes pure politics enters into the rhetoric.”
George W. Bush 8/8/03 Crawford, TX
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DOGGIE DOOR… Ellen DeGeneres broke into tears on her show after a dog she’d adopted was taken back by a rescue group called “Mutts And Moms.” Sad part is, she didn’t even want the dog. She thought she was dealing with “Foreign Orphans and Angelina Jolie.”
GROUNDED… Home sales in Southern California have plummeted 50% from the same time last year. Even ReMax is struggling. They had to sell their hot air balloon and are now using a kite.
MICKEY MAKEOVER… Deciding that it was an idea whose time had not come, Disney will spend $1.1 billion to completely redesign their “California Adventure” theme park---adding new attractions that more closely duplicate real California adventures like “The Menendez Brothers Family Vacation,” “Weekend at Phil Spector’s” and “Hugh Grant picks up a Hooker.”
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COMMENTS? SUGGESTIONS? RIGHT WING REBUTTALS? Send ’em all to:
Jokesmith@peoplepc.com.
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TAILGATE PARTY… A Stockton, CA high school has been banned from competing in the playoffs after evidence was uncovered that its coach had been recruiting players from American Samoa. Opposing teams became suspicious when they noticed three defensive linemen roasting a pig---under the end zone.
TEN-HUT!… The City of Chicago School District now has four high schools that are run by the military. Non-college bound students are allowed to take four years of Motor Pool.
SOCIALIZED MEDICINE… Coca-Cola has contracted with the Peoples Republic to develop a new soft drink that incorporates ancient Chinese herbal remedies. The pause that refreshes and cures your fallen arches.
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[] BULLETIN! To catch late-breaking headlines the moment they hit the street, check this "Bereft On The Left" blog often. To insure that you don't miss a beat, it's a smart idea to add us to your "Favorites" list.
www.bereftontheleft.blogspot.com
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CACTUS FLOWER… Mexico’s tequila industry has launched a program to warn the public that counterfeiters are selling home brew that can cause sudden dizziness, unconsciousness, blindness and even death. Like that isn’t what tequila is for?
HAT TRICKS… The Transportation Security Agency has issued new, more relaxed rules regarding searches of passengers’ head gear such as turbans, fezzes, ball caps and the like. Still subject to a full search are Brazilian women wearing suspicious fruit and Packers fans wearing cheese.
A Longtime Bob Hope Joke Writer Presents Daily Insightful Topical Satire Of Current Events (Illustrated) Plus Rare Photos From Hollywood's Bygone Era And Excerpts From THE LAUGH MAKERS By Robert L. Mills -- Color Photos From the Book and Rare Classic Vintage Video Clips! Send Your Show Biz Questions to "ASK BOB" at: TheLaughMakers@GMail.com
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