[] National Security Council spokesman Fred Jones said "Whenever Bush meets with a Chinese leader, he raises the issues of human rights, and the freedoms of press, expression and religion." (USA Today 4/18)
For advice on how to undermine them and get away with it.
[] Barry Bonds has not homered in his first 36 at bats. (Los Angeles Times 4/17)
On a brighter note, he's batting .287 hitting his buttocks with the syringe.
Tipoffs that your favorite ball player may be using:
1] While singing National Anthem, holds cap over his stash.
2] Is able to hit holding the bat at either end.
3] His stats include hits, runs, errors and track marks.
4] Occasionally trashes the batting cage.
5] When teammates go to locker room, he goes to Kate Moss's room.
[] McDonald's announces the national rollout of its premium Asian Salad with soybeans, snow peas, red bell peppers, toasted almonds, mandarin oranges and 16 types of fresh greens for $4.29. (USA Today 4/18)
Twenty-nine cents more gets you the special McCroutons they call "Tienanmen Squares."
[] The Supreme Court denied Cardinal Mahoney's appeal, ordering him to turn over records of two child molesting priests to the prosecutor. (Los Angeles Times 4/18)
The litigious prelate was relying on the Vatican-approved doctrine of Separation of Mahoney and Accountability.
[] Entertainers dressed as bunnies, bears, Barbar the Elephant and other characters darted among large painted flowers for 16,000 invitees to the annual White House Easter Egg Roll. (USA Today 4/18)
Following which Cheney gave the children a gun-safety demonstration.
Dick's Rules For Safe and Sane Hunting
1] Wear bright orange or yellow clothing made of colorfast, blood-resistant nylon.
2] Don't hunt anything with sharp teeth, claws or beaks... or are considerably larger than you.
3] Drink sensibly. Slip on that safety before popping open that can o' suds.
4] Limit hunting partners to rich guys over 70. If you kill them, they weren't going to live much longer anyway.
5] Always hunt in areas with ground soft enough to dig a shallow grave before the police arrive.
[] A survey by the Boston Phoenix found that Gilbert Gottfried tops the "100 Unsexiest Men in America" list. (USA Tobday 4/17)
Barely edging out Tom DeLay and Zacarias Moussaoui.
[] Hospitals are attempting to cut down noise by eliminating doctors' pages, adding carpeting and repairing squeaky gurney wheels. (USA Today 4/17)
Some have even installed "screaming rooms" for presentation of the bill.
[] New White house chief of staff Joshua Bolton told aides to expect some changes "that should refresh and reenergize the team." (USA Today 4/18)
May not mean anything, but he's been calling the Duke Athletic Department for advice.
[] A.T.&T. reports a 19% jump in yellow page ads for vocal coaches since "American Idol" debuted in 2002. (USA Today 4/18)
Why the contestants don't follow through and call them is a mystery.
A Longtime Bob Hope Joke Writer Presents Daily Insightful Topical Satire Of Current Events (Illustrated) Plus Rare Photos From Hollywood's Bygone Era And Excerpts From THE LAUGH MAKERS By Robert L. Mills -- Color Photos From the Book and Rare Classic Vintage Video Clips! Send Your Show Biz Questions to "ASK BOB" at: TheLaughMakers@GMail.com
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