FRI, SAT, December 21, 22, 2012

POWER FAILURE -- Century-old recordings, believed the first  ones made celebrating Christmas, were discovered in an attic in  New Southgate, England.  The Wall family is heard on the scratchy wax cylinders laughing, singing carols and opening gifts.   But some things never change.  One kid is heard in the background asking "Where are the batteries?"

WHERE ART THOU? -- The opening of the long-awaited "Romeo and Juliet" at the La Scala Theater in Milan was cancelled after choral singers walked out, refusing to dance in the production without extra compensation.  Just proves that Yogi Berra was right -- "The opera ain't over until the fat lady refuses to sing."  

FUNNY MOTHER -- In her first leading role in eight years, Barbra Streisand plays Seth Rogan's mom in a diamond-lane adventure called "Guilt Trip."  She a typical Jewish mother -- but with a technological update.  She confides to a friend before the trip "Some son.  He never calls...  he never texts."

ROACH ROAD STOP -- The Washington State Legislature is appealing to inventors and engineers to come up with a reliable means of testing drivers suspected of driving under the influence of pot.  The best they've come up with so far is having suspects blow up a balloon that registers positive if it's shaped like Willie Nelson's head.

PAY-AS-YOU-GO -- College-bound girls who lack the necessary tuition can now go to the website sponsorascholar.com and hook up with academically inclined gentlemen who are willing to finance the higher education in exchange for sex whenever requested.  Of course, the same deal is available for those willing to forgo the sex -- it's called "marriage."

THANKS FOR THE MEMORY -- View over 550 classic vintage video clips of Bob Hope Specials available nowhere else!  Each are dated the year they originally aired on NBC from the 1977-78 season to 1991-92.  Included are segments from 1978's "Bob Hope Down Under" from Perth, Australia and 1979's "Bob Hope in China" taped in Peking and Shanghai (with Mikhail Baryshnikov).  Take a trip down Memory Lane that you won't soon forget!

www.youtube.com/thelaughmakers

THURSDAY, December 20, 2012

HOLY POP CHART -- His colleagues in the Vatican had no idea how much Pope Benedict would enjoy his new Twitter account.  Now he's  promoting the re-release of a hit 1963 single he cut as an accordionist before he became a priest that was number one on the Rome charts -- "Our Lady of Spain."
 

MAGIC CARPET -- The first Boeing 777 has been delivered to the official airline of Iraq.  Financed by the British government and David Branson who helped get if off the ground, the carrier will fly international routes.  Maybe you've heard of it -- 72 Virgin Airlines?
 

MODEL INMATES -- Two men being held at a Chicago federal detention facility knotted 20 bedsheets together and repelled 15 stories to the street below after squirming through a cell window only five inches wide.  Witnesses told police they appeared to be  disguised as Naomi Campbell and Kate Moss.  

 

BRIEF ENCOUNTERS -- The global media products division of the Nielsen Ratings Company has entered a multi-year deal with Twitter to monitor comments made about TV programs as well as re-tweets and the number of ultimate recipients.  Which will pose quite a challenge to viewers --  Ever tried describing a  rotten TV series in 140 characters?

 

PHONE PHUN -- Samsung has dethroned long-time cell phone king Nokia as the  largest producer of mobile handsets, accounting for 29% of sales worldwide.  Analysts credit Samsung's superior quality, durability and the ease of surreptitious use of their product while driving.  

Contents Copyright (c) 2012 by Robert L. Mills  All Rights Reserved

 

THANKS FOR THE MEMORY -- View over 550 classic vintage video clips of Bob Hope Specials available nowhere else!  Each are dated the year they originally aired on NBC from the 1977-78 season to 1991-92.  Included are segments from 1978's "Bob Hope Down Under" from Perth, Australia and 1979's "Bob Hope in China" taped in Peking and Shanghai (with Mikhail Baryshnikov).  Take a trip down Memory Lane that you won't soon forget!  
www.youtube.com/thelaughmakers

WEDNESDAY, December 19, 2012

YEAH, YEAH, YEAH -- Scores of pop music industry icons including producers, promoters and talent including Pulp who perform their hit single "Common People" are sampling an array of booze, blow and revelry aboard the luxury cruise liner Coachella en route to the Bahamas.  But problems have arisen.  For instance, how can you trash a stateroom when the TV set won't fit through the porthole?
 

DID NOT INHALE -- HBO has signed Martin Scorsese to produce and direct a frank documentary on Bill Clinton's White House years.  Martin has promised to, as he puts it to "pull no punches" as he includes interviews with both the tobacconist who sold Clinton that famous cigar and the dry cleaner who was given the challenge of restoring Monica Lewinski's dress.
 

BAILOUT FEATURE -- Toy-maker Hasbro has complied with the request of an Ohio school girl to design a male version of their popular E-Z Bake Oven that will be available by next summer.  Its features are very similar to the girls' model except for those users who opted for PE over Home Ec. --  the boys' version flushes.
 

SMALL CONSOLATION -- North Korea's Kim Jong Un recently test-fired a long-range nuclear missile that has the capability of reaching California.  And we Californians -- silly fools -- have always believed that the "Big One" would be an earthquake.
 


 

COMBAT TOOTSIES -- A cost-study of waste in the Pentagon found that $1.5 million was spent last year on research to find a successful method of rolling up beef jerky for use by troops in the field.  Sounds pretty much like the same thing they fed us in the navy -- only back then it came on a shingle.

 
Contents Copyright (c) 2012 by Robert L. Mills  All Rights Reserved 

THANKS FOR THE MEMORY -- View over 550 classic vintage video clips of Bob Hope Specials available nowhere else!  Each are dated the year they originally aired on NBC from the 1977-78 season to 1991-92.  Included are segments from 1978's "Bob Hope Down Under" from Perth, Australia and 1979's "Bob Hope in China" taped in Peking and Shanghai (with Mikhail Baryshnikov).  Take a trip down Memory Lane that you won't soon forget!
www.youtube.com/thelaughmakers

TUESDAY, December 18, 2012

SPARE A DIME? -- Upscale Cathay Pacific Airways fired a cabin attendant after she told friends on Facebook that she harbored a secret desire to toss hot coffee on unruly passengers.  But not because it would be wrong or prompt a lawsuit, but because it gives the erroneous impression that today's passenger airliners are equipped to provide coffee or any other consumable liquid. 
 

HOKUS BOGUS -- The TSA in Los Angeles recently displayed counterfeit products they intercepted  in "Operation Holiday Hoax."  Among the lookalikes were Kobe Bryant jerseys, iPhone cases, Burberry scarves and Louis Vuitton purses.  They have a surefire authenticity test.  They ask themselves "Would Lindsay Lohan try to shoplift this?"
 

SPOKES MAN -- New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg is encouraging people to ride their bikes to work to help improve air quality.  There are side benefits to bike riding, too, like helping to lower the crime rate.  Which makes a lot of sense if you've ever tried stuffing a body into the trunk of a bicycle.  

ONE-A-DAY -- Fidel Castro has made a habit of visiting        Venuzuelan president Hugo Chavez as he recovers from surgery in a Havana hospital.  And Chavez's doctors aren't too happy with the visits.  Every time Fidel drops in, he brings Hugo a box of Cuban cigars.
 

SANTA BABY -- A research team from the University of Toronto recently conducted a study to determine what Santa might ask for, if he could sit on his own lap.  Results are still coming in, but so far, it involves a leather cummerbund, a whip and three elves.
 






Contents Copyright (c) 2012 by Robert L. Mills  All Rights Reserved

THANKS FOR THE MEMORY -- View over 550 classic vintage video clips of Bob Hope Specials available nowhere else!  Each are dated the year they originally aired on NBC from the 1977-78 season to 1991-92.  Included are segments from 1978's "Bob Hope Down Under" from Perth, Australia and 1979's "Bob Hope in China" taped in Peking and Shanghai (with Mikhail Baryshnikov).  Take a trip down Memory Lane that you won't soon forget!
www.youtube.com/thelaughmakers

SUN, MON, December 16, 17, 2012

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FRI, SAT, December 14, 15, 2012

TRAPPIST TAP -- Seeking to raise funds to save their 160-year old monastery, Trappist monks in Flanders, Belgium sold 15,000 six packs of a rare ale called Westvleteren XII, believed to be among the finest ever brewed.  A popular import in Elizabethan England, Robin Hood reportedly announced the commencement of Happy Hour by yelling "It's Westvleteren time!"
 

McEDEN -- Responding to popular demand, McDonalds is bringing back the McRib sandwich, pulling out all the stops on a full-scale TV promotion.  Details are secret, but we have learned that the commercials will involve two new characters -- "McAdam" and "McEve."
 

BARTER SYSTEM -- Though spending a goodly portion of her time in the clink and rehab, Lindsay Lohan still rents a four-bedroom Beverly Hills condominium upon which she currently owes a few bucks.  It's not that the landlord hasn't been paid, exactly.  He's just tired of having to have jewelry appraised that still has the price tags attached.

 

NOW CUT THAT OUT! -- To deter pickpockets, shoplifters and purse-snatchers, police in the UK city of South Yorkshire are posting cardboard cutouts of bobbies at strategic locations.  Works to attract more foreign visitors, too.  In London, tourists can have their photo taken with a cardboard cutout of Prince Harry playing billiards with cardboard cutouts of nude models.
 

DESIGNER SIMEON -- A tame chimpanzee somehow got lose from his owner in a Toronto IKEA and ran around terrorizing shoppers until Mounties arrived and took him into custody.  But not before he'd assembled a couch, a coffee table and three cinder block book cases.  
 

Contents Copyright (c) 2012 by Robert L. Mills  All Rights Reserved
 

JACK LEMMON

THANKS FOR THE MEMORY -- View over 550 classic vintage video clips of Bob Hope Specials available nowhere else!  Each are dated the year they originally aired on NBC from the 1977-78 season to 1991-92.  Included are segments from 1978's "Bob Hope Down Under" from Perth, Australia and 1979's "Bob Hope in China" taped in Peking and Shanghai (with Mikhail Baryshnikov).  Take a trip down Memory Lane that you won't soon forget!
www.youtube.com/thelaughmakers 

THURSDAY, December 13, 2012

PORK & BEANS -- Oscar/Emmy/Tony/Grammy winner Mel Brooks confesses in an HBO special that he's seriously considering bringing "Blazing Saddles" to Broadway.  It would entail a substantial budget accommodating realistic wild-west scenery, a full-scale train and individual gas masks for the audience to wear during the campfire scene.
 

NOT EASY -- In order to promote conservation, Applebee's New York has launched a completely "green" restaurant featuring waterless urinals in the men's room, a rooftop rainwater cistern and plant partitions between booths.  May be taking the green thing too far, though.  Their Holiday Luncheon Special this month is "Grilled Kermit Kabobs."
 

SECURITY LEAK -- A well-respected heart surgeon at Cedar-Sinai Hospital in Los Angeles transmitted an infection to five heart valve patients through a microscopic hole in one of his rubber gloves.  Terrifying, isn't it?  If this can happen to an experienced health care professional, what chance has an untrained civilian relying on a condom?

 
 

CHARGE! -- According to the National Retail Federation, American shoppers are on the comeback trail and will drop a whopping $586.1 billion on Christmas gifts this holiday season.  And the lucky recipients of their largess will spend a total of $16.8 million for the batteries that weren't included.
 

BLUE PENCILED -- Thanks to record sales of "Fifty Shades of Grey," "Gone Girl," and "The Passage of Power," all employees at Random House Publishers will receive a $5,000 Christmas bonus.  Well, all except one -- the proofreader who sent her letter back to the CEO with corrections for spelling and improper syntax. 

 
 

Contents Copyright (c) 2012 by Robert L. Mills  All Rights Reserved 

Charlene Tilton

THANKS FOR THE MEMORY -- View over 550 classic vintage video clips of Bob Hope Specials available nowhere else!  Each are dated the year they originally aired on NBC from the 1977-78 season to 1991-92.  Included are segments from 1978's "Bob Hope Down Under" from Perth, Australia and 1979's "Bob Hope in China" taped in Peking and Shanghai (with Mikhail Baryshnikov).  Take a trip down Memory Lane that you won't soon forget!
www.youtube.com/thelaughmakers