SUN, MON, December 2, 3, 2012

HOCKED SILVER BELLS -- There are multiple signs that Americans are cutting back on their usual Christmas spending thanks to massive unemployment.  For instance, the annual Boston Pops Christmas Concert replaced their usual repertoire with more timely titles like "It's Beginning to Look a Lot Like a 1929 Christmas," "I'll Be Homeless For Christmas" and "Deck the Halls With Boughs of Food Stamps."
 

BAD TIMING -- According to a study published in the Annals of Neurology, Americans face a 14% chance of meeting their Maker on their birthday.  Most victims are middle-aged men with bad hearts who are thrown a surprise party by buddies who hire a naked hooker to jump out of a cake.
 

PITTARD HOISTING -- Ultra-fashion conscious women are now resorting to having their pinky toes surgically removed to insure that their new designer shoes will fit.  Known as "stiletto surgery," the irreversible procedure leaves its victims with only four toes per foot -- uh, considering their judgement, make that "per hoof."

 
 

FOLD 'EM -- A Manhattan dermatologist offers his patients "Pokertox" injections that are guaranteed to help mask facial giveaways that tip poker opponents of the hand they're holding.   Most patients are happy with the results and claim they don't mind spending the rest of their lives looking like Kenny Rogers. 
 

SUCH A CLATTER -- Former NBC Universal chief Jeff Zucker has been tapped to head up the floundering CNN with hopes that he can stem the steady viewer drain to MSNBC and Fox.  His appointment couldn't have come at a more appropriate season.  Zucker and Blitzer sound like two of Santa's reindeer.

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Contents Copyright (c) 2012 by Robert L. Mills  All Rights Reserved

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