FRI, SAT, SUN, August 6, 7, 8

LAFFS From The PAST  From our issue dated August 6, 2000
  
The $1 million Pitt/Anniston nuptials included 50,000 flowers and candles made of brown sugar imported from Thailand to illuminate the reception tent.    Which were later donated to a dessert kitchen for the homeless.

A man flew from Tahiti to Los Angeles hiding in the wheel well of an Air France 747, braving air temperatures of 50 below at 38,000 feet.  Remarkable the lengths people will go to avoid airline food.   

California beach closings by health officials were up 8% last year and are predicted to rise steadily.  Warning signs that your beach may be dangerous to swim in:

1)   It's beside a restaurant called "Sizzler By The Sea."

2)   There's so much medical waste it's been nicknamed "Rexall Cove."


3)   It's popular with salmonella fishermen.

4)   Instead of whistles, the lifeguards wear Geiger counters.


5)   It's littered with old "Baywatch" scripts.


After squandering millions on the failed Mars Polar Lander and Climate Orbiter, NASA will cancel up to 15 scheduled space missions.   Expected to get the ax: an exploration of Pluto, an unmanned landing on Mars and an attempt to find life in Al Gore.

Scientists in eastern Oregon have identified the largest living organism ever found, a 2500-year old giant mushroom covering 2200 acres.   In layman's terms, enough to top 1,684,037,229 Dominoes Pizzas.

Police in New Delhi confiscated 70,000 starving snakes that were to be force fed milk at a Hindu religious festival, replacing them with brass replicas.   Hey, maybe that's the answer -- replace lawyers with brass replicas.


Toys-R-Us will build a 100,000 square foot flagship store in New York's Times Square.   Now that's progress. Not long ago, the only toys you could buy in Times Square needed batteries and came in plain, brown wrappers.


Martha Stewart is releasing a Halloween album called "Martha Stewart Living's Spooky Scary Sounds For Halloween."   The blood curdling screams were recorded last year when Martha presented her household staff with their Christmas bonuses.


Plagued lately with duds, the Sony Studios have high hopes for a sci-fi thriller starring Kevin Bacon and Elizabeth Shue called "The Hollow Man."    Which might not do that well when moviegoers discover they can save the $7.50 and just watch George W. Bush.

Four Tallapoosa, GA high school students are charged with printing fake $1, $5, $10 and $20 bills using a computer in drafting class.     They told the arresting Secret Service Agents they thought they needed them to buy counterfeit videos and CD's.

Ten thousand bagpipers from Spain, Alaska, Guam, Canada, Australia and Hong Kong staged a charity "pipe-a-thon" in Edinburgh, Scotland.   Could have been worse. Accordions.

Deep sea divers have set a trap in Norway's Seljord Lake to catch a fabled serpent named "Selma" who's reputed to be a cousin of the Loch Ness Monster.   If successful, the specimen will be closely examined by herpetologists, ichthyologists and the casting director of "Jaws III."


Until next time, I leave you with the immortal words of Jill who was
overheard telling Jack, "Let's just buy a gallon of Perrier and call it

a day."

FREE AUDIO BOOK: The Laugh Makers, unabridged and read by the author -- musical bridges by Barry Dugan


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