WEDNESDAY, July 7, 2010

Former Vice-President Dick Cheney was treated over the memorial Day weekend for chest pains.  His doctors ruled out a coronary, but he wasn’t taking any chances.  He’s had so many heart attacks, he named his two Great Danes “Jolt” and “Paddles.”

The $117 million “Knight and Day” starring Tom Cruise as a federal agent who romances Cameron Diaz has been soundly trounced by “Toy Story 3” in ticket sales. Which just goes to prove the public is more willing to accept Don Rickles as a potato than Tom Cruise as a romantic G-Man.

To discourage their use, the federal government has imposed a 10% surtax on cancer-causing tanning beds. Undeterred, some cash-challenged sun worshipers are making do by sticking their face under the French fry warming lamps at Burger King.

Cut-rate Irish air carrier Ryanair, known for reducing costs, may soon offer a "standing-room only" ticket for 10% less than the price of a regular seat.  You can save an additional 10% if you’re willing to wonder up and down the aisle pointing out landmarks.

Among the first states to allow personalized license plates, California will soon introduce LED-equipped plates that display advertising.  For a few dollars more, you can order one that also plays music and is made and signed by Phil Spector. 
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Excerpted From THE LAUGH MAKERS  

In July 1969, Neil Armstrong became the first man to set foot on the moon. The eyes of the world were focused on TV screens from Maine to Moscow as Armstrong planted the stars and stripes on the planet’s silvery surface and haltingly spoke his momentous words: “One small step for man, one giant leap for mankind.”  As Armstrong was shaking the moon dust off of his space boots, at the NBC studios in Burbank, a tape of a Bob Hope special was being beamed by satellite to New York to be aired that night. Hope had taped his monologue the day before, and, while he had referred to the moon shot generally, the landing itself, which NASA had authorized at the last minute, wasn’t mentioned.  Immediately, Hope was on the phone to NBC’s Engineering
--  Would it be possible to pause the tape during the monologue so that he could insert several jokes live? They told him it had never been done, but they felt certain it was technically possible. The writers were put to work on fresh material covering the historic landing. Then Hope reserved a set and assembled his technical crew.

They would have to recreate the stage backdrop and lighting precisely as they looked on the master tape. Hope himself would dress exactly as he was dressed that night and position himself so that when the director cut away during an audience transition shot, he’d appear on camera, insert the new jokes, the tape would resume running and the audience at home would be none the wiser.  Pinpoint timing would be essential. Hope’s lines must fit snugly into the hole in the tape created expressly for them. As it had begun, the live insert would conclude with a shot of the audience, which would allow the director leeway of a second or two. The volume level of Hope’s voice would have to match the tape’s for the ruse to work. And it was not without considerable risk. If anything went wrong, the operation could come off as cheesy and amateurish — and torpedo the entire show.  Luckily, all went as planned and Hope had his updated monologue.

Since every crew member connected with the deception was working on what the craft unions call “golden time” (triple their usual salary), the jokes had to be the most expensive Hope ever delivered — “I’d congratulate the NASA scientists, but I don’t speak German.”  The process was costly, technically challenging, and, some would argue, entirely unnecessary. Would the audience have faulted Hope for not mentioning the moon landing? Who knows? But the incident illustrates the lengths he would go to ensure that whatever went into America’s living rooms bearing his name was the best show that he could produce.

Tomorrow:  Looking for an English-speaking cue card man in China 

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