THURSDAY, June 24, 2010

Notorious playboy Prince Albert of Monaco, 52, is engaged to marry 32-year old champion Olympic swimmer Charlene Wittstock.  Instead of an engagement ring, he presented her with a $1.2 million, 15-caret diamond nose clip.

Equipped with a high-resolution camera, Israel’s new Ofek9 spy satellite will gather intelligence on Iran’s nuclear program.  When not over Iranian territory, it will identify, rate and catalogue the world’s best delicatessens.  

For the first time, the International Space Station has two female cosmonauts on permanent staff.  But expect fireworks.  Moscow insiders report that they get along about as well as Ann Coulter and Arianna Huffington.

Long a leader on environmental issues, California is poised to become the first state in the union to declare a total ban on plastic grocery bags.  Shoppers will still have to choose, though -- “Paper or recycled paper?”

AARP recently sponsored a spelling bee for it’s members 50 and older and the victor was a a 56-year old man from Tennessee.  He was declared the winner when the contestant who followed him forgot to capitalize “Viagra.”
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Excerpted From THE LAUGH MAKERS  

Taking a cue from Will Rogers, Bob Hope never met a holiday he didn't like.  Be it Easter, Thanksgiving, Valentine's, Groundhog Day or the Ides of March, a holiday theme was always as welcome around the production office as a hot buttered rum in a winter snowstorm.  Christmas, of course, was Hope's annual theme champ even during peacetime when his army fatigues were folded away in the cedar chest awaiting the next outbreak of hostilities. Even in the years that he entertained the troops, he usually produced a domestic Christmas special as well and aired the military shows in January.

The Christmas specials had become perennial ratings bonanzas that left high Neilsens in Hope's stocking year after year. Even beyond that, they were television's longest sustaining Yuletide specials, continuing well after Andy Williams, Glen Campbell and Perry Como had packed away
the prop fireplace and the flocked Douglas fir.  Whatever mysterious combination of elements made Americans take a break from their last-minute shopping to tune in the mid-December offering, Hope wasn't about to tinker with it.

The Christmas show segments were as cast in stone as the Ten Commandments and the format was as predictable as the story of the Nativity itself. Every Yuletide special
was made up of these five elements:

Holiday monologue
Associated Press All-America Football Team
Seasonal sketch
Rose Bowl Queen and Court
"Silver Bells" duet

Each December, our rhyming dictionaries saw yeoman duty as we struggled to give the headline of the day a God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen spin.  Be it Ollie North or a Cabbage Patch doll (strangely similar in many respects), we somehow managed to capture them in a couplet:

It's Christmas time once again
But have fun while you can
We just got word that Ollie North
Sold Donner and Blitzen to Iran (1988)

It's Christmas time around the world
A season that's merry to all
But this would be the best one yet
If I could just find a Cabbage Patch doll (1983)
Next in order came reminders of how the holidays were being celebrated in Southern California, with particular emphasis on the tract housing adjoining Rodeo Drive:

*  They try to have a traditional Christmas in Beverly Hills, but it isn't easy. Yesterday, I saw Santa behind the wheel of a Rolls-Royce being pulled by eight Japanese gardeners. (1978)

Then we'd make our mandatory stop on Hollywood Boulevard:

*  The fellas celebrate Christmas a little different. Down there, they decorate each other. (1985)

Today, we'd be picketed by gay rights groups.

Though Santa wasn't due to arrive for another week or two, we had the welcome mat out for him.

*  We're having a typical Hollywood Christmas. Yesterday, Larry Flynt announced that he has secret tapes of Santa doing weird things with the elves. (1983)

During the Holiday Season, the writers were not unlike elves, battling a deadline to meet our quota of gift-wrapped shopping jokes:

*  A big seller this year is the `Baby Tears' doll. I asked the sales clerk, `What makes it cry?' And she said, `Nothing, but when I tell you the price, you will.'" (1981)

*  And with all the crowds this year, I've never seen the sales people so nasty. I saw one floorwalker who got rid of his carnation and was wearing a Venus fly trap. (1978)

And no Christmas would be complete without several reminders of the seductive aroma of turkey and pigskin that would soon waft through most American homes:

*  This holiday season, they're combining the Peach Bowl, the Orange Bowl and the Sugar Bowl. It'll be called the Diabetes Bowl." (1986)
Continued tomorrow…
    
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