FRI, SAT, SUN, June 25, 26, 27

LAFFS From The PAST  (from our issue dated June 25, 2000)

Before a crowd of 20,000 fight fans gathered in Glasgow, Scotland, Mike Tyson dispatched Lou Savarese in 38 seconds of the first round.   On his way to the canvas, Sevarese checked to make sure both of his ears were still intact.

The Clinton administration has unveiled a far-reaching, $58 billion proposal that would subsidize prescription drug coverage for elderly Americans and put a cap of $4000 on yearly out-of-pocket drug costs.   The Republican plan, much simpler, less expensive and easier to administer, is pretty much summed up by their slogan:  "Just Say No To Drugs."

Harley Davidson has withdrawn its application to obtain trademark protection for the sound made by its bikes while idling.   Also copyrights on the terms "hog," "Hells Angels" and "cycle slut."

Researchers have developed a baby-formula like blood substitute derived from a byproduct of Teflon they call "Oxygent."   Prompting the rock group to change their name to "Oxygent, Sweat and Tears."

Until next time, I leave you with the immortal words of Harriet Beecher Stowe's publisher who said, "Now we need a sequel. How about 'Uncle Tom's Summer Cabin'?"

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Excerpted From THE LAUGH MAKERS  

DAD & LAD

If we had a musical guest on the billboard, we'd try putting a Yuletide spin on a comedy duet as in this segment with Andy Williams. In it, Andy is Hope's pop dispensing fatherly advice. Hope is dressed in a Little Lord Fauntleroy outfit with a huge red tie. (Does that say Christmas or what?)

(Music: up)

ANDY: Small fry, struttin' by the pool room...Small fry, should be in the the school room...You'd best change your ways, you hear...Or Santa's gonna pass you by this year...  (speaks)
Let me look at you, Son. (looks) Ugh. I told the doctor
when you were born, he was slapping the wrong end.
Son, I think it's time that we had a man-to-man talk.

HOPE: Oh, you mean about the birds and the bees?

ANDY: Exactly.

HOPE: I'd be glad to, Dad. What is it you don't understand?

(Music: up)

ANDY: Small fry, watchin' television... Small fry, without my
supervision...My, my, the things that you have seen...make
Playboy look like Parents Magazine.

HOPE: Tell me, Daddy, were you and Mommy happy when I
arrived?

ANDY: We were delighted.

HOPE: You mean that?

ANDY: Of course. You were cute. You were cuddly. And we
needed a deduction.

HOPE: Daddy, then how come I'm your only child?

ANDY: For the same reason no one ever bought two Edsels.

The day this number was shot, Andy was delayed at the airport so Hope asked me to stand in for him at rehearsal. When Andy arrived, I told him excitedly, "I stood in for you. I think you'll really like this spot."  Andy just looked at me and said, "Then why don't you do it?" Stars really know how to deflate someone's balloon.

JOCK SHOCK

Each year, the Associated Press sports writers voted for their college dream team, and Hope would fly the winners to Burbank - at considerable expense, I might add - from all over the country. Their segment was taped in front of a simulated stadium backdrop made of heavy-gauge
cardboard that must have dated back to Hope's Pepsodent days - the bit originated as the Look Magazine All-Americans in the fifties. It was faded and frayed, but in keeping with Hope's unwillingness to change anything, it was dragged out year after year.

The material we wrote - using voluminous background information on each player sent by his school - was as raggedy as the set as each player would trot out in full uniform and announce his name, college,  and position. Then Hope would deliver a joke befitting the guy's size,
speed, kicking or passing ability:

PLAYER: Dee Hardison, University of North Carolina, defensive tackle.

HOPE: At school, they call Dee "Peanut." That's because when he gets through with you, you're shelled, salted and stuffed into a jar of Skippy.

This continued until all thirty-two players had been introduced. Occasionally, we'd give a player a sassy remark that would top Hope's. By comedy standards, the spot was static and repetitious, but nonetheless was guaranteed a full eight minutes on every Christmas special we wrote.

As with all sketches, the problem each year was coming up with an ending that wouldn't look like the one we'd used in years past. Hope's favorite was some variation of this:

HOPE: Now, men, you need to realize that the game of football requires complete dedication. You must concentrate only on the game... focus on the task at hand... don't let anything - (A gorgeous girl dressed in a red bikini and a Santa hat crosses the stage seductively. The guys spot
her and follow her off, paying no attention to Hope)

HOPE: (to audience) Are these guys All-American, or what?

My favorite recollection of this segment was the year that a center named William "The Refrigerator" Perry was on the squad. After Hope had delivered his bon mot on the appliance's prowess-in-a-crouch, William turned to leave, and the camera caught the portion of his hind-quarter more commonly associated with plumbers. The audience laughter lasted about as long as it took wardrobe to locate the human Frigidaire a larger pair of pants.

Continued next week…      
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