MONDAY, January 21, 2008

FLAG DRAPED… The Army proudly announced that 356, or three quarters of Baghdad’s 418 neighborhoods have been secured. Let’s see -- with the US troop death count now at 3920, that works out to a cost of approximately 72.84 American deaths per secure neighborhood. Not too bad. That’s just about what it took get the Bronx and Brooklyn under control.

SONAR, BEEN GOOD TO KNOW YOU… Bush issued an executive order exempting the Navy from regulations that had protected whales off the coast of California from underwater sonar that was causing them to beach themselves during training exercises. Beached whales or no beached whales, we’re talking protection from Iranian gun boats here.

GIFT HORSE’S MOUTH… In response to a plummeting stock market, record unemployment and home mortgage foreclosures, spiraling gas prices and a sinking dollar, Bush predicts things will be “just fine” if Congress approves his $150 billion “stimulus package” which will provide taxpayer relief and a tax incentives for business investment. Pardon me, but isn’t this a little like the captain of the Titanic offering the passengers free swimming lessons?
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“The best way to relieve families from time is to let them keep some of their own money.”

George W. Bush 9/13/2000 Westminster, CA
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DROPPED CALLS… Sprint Nextel stock dropped 25% on the announcement that the cell phone server will ax 4000 employees and shutter 125 outlets nationwide. Can you hear me now?

NOOSE NOOZE… Dave Senor, editor of Golfweek Magazine, was fired after publishing a cover photo of a noose to illustrate the story of the Golf Channel’s Kelly Tieghman telling young pros to “take Tiger Woods in a back alley and lynch him.” Not much of a surprise here since Dave was already on thin ice for his habit of constantly referring to the Masters Tournament as “the Massa’s.“

LOCK & LOAD… Duncan Hunter, longtime Congressman and Reagan-era hack who seriously proposed turning Catalina Island into a government owned shooting gallery stocked with game so disabled military veterans could hunt them, has withdrawn from the presidential race. Sad. Now all those disabled vets will have to settle for occasional hunting trips with Dick Cheney.
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LEAP OF FAITH… Richard Knerr, inventor of the Frisbee, has died at the age of 82. Following a brief memorial service at a park near his home, his ashes were placed in a plastic disk which was tossed so his dog could try to catch it.

SPANISH EYES… Priests sprinkling holy water blessed hundreds of pets as Catholics gathered for the annual Feast Day of San Anton, Spain’s patron saint of animals. Next week marks the Feast Day of San Alpo, the patron saint of tainted pet food from China.
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