FRIDAY, January 18, 2008

CELL SHOCK… A Las Vegas judge refused to release OJ Simpson who was jailed after he violated an order not to communicate with his co-defendants. Worse for the Juice, she doubled his bail from $125,000 to $250,000. The infamous running back may get his vengeance, though. He’s teaching his cell mates how to sneak up behind guards, slit their throats and get away with it.

THANKS FOR THE MEMORY… Bush met with Saudi Arabia’s King Abdullah and pledged $30 billion in US military aid. The king reciprocated by presenting Bush with the coveted King Abdul Aziz Order of Merit -- in unabashed appreciation for Bush’s invading Iraq to deflect attention from the Saudis responsible for 9/11.

THANKS, BUT NO THANKS… To mark the Bush visit, Israeli military units staged a raid on Palestine, killing eighteen. I think I prefer the 21-gun salutes that were just fired into the air, don’t you?

GRAND OL’ OPRAH… Oprah Winfrey will link up with the Discovery Channel to launch a new outlet in 2009 to be called the OWN Channel. It will offer an eclectic mix of news, sports, pop culture, talk, comedy and a continuous showing of “The Color Purple.”
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TICKER TAPE… Scientists at the University of Minnesota’s Center for Cardiovascular Repair have successfully created an operating artificial heart solely from cells taken from a rat. Human tests will follow and, if successful, will be followed by an attempt to create an artificial conscience for tobacco company executives hoping to change careers.

END GAME… Members of a cult in the Penza region of Russia have been holed up in a cave awaiting the end of the world which they believe will occur in May. If it fails to materialize, they’ll settle for the end of the Writers Guild strike.

CLICK! -- For the first time since 1999, Victoria’s Secret has purchased a thirty second Super Bowl ad. According to reports, it will show Patriots coach Bill Belichick hiding behind a screen with his cell phone camera taking pictures of Victoria‘s dressing room.
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“You took an oath to defend our flag and our freedom, and you kept that oath underseas and under fire.”

George W. Bush 1/10/06 Washington, DC

(For hundreds of authentic idiotic quotes, check out “The George W. Bush Out of Office Countdown Handbook,” available at: www.sourcebooks.com)
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SEED MONEY… In his new book, “Tom Cruise: An Unofficial Biography,” British author Andrew Morton claims that Suri, the daughter of Cruise and wife Katie Holmes, was actually the result of an injection of cryogenically preserved sperm from L. Ron Hubbard. Even more shocking, if it’s not the cult leader’s sperm, Andy claims to have additional evidence that it could have come from John Travolta.

DEDUCT THIS! -- Actor Wesley Snipes has gone on trial for evading $38 million in federal income taxes over a period of nine years. Sounds serious, but Wes is confident that all charges will be dismissed after the court hears the testimony of his chief character witness, Willie Nelson.

EARLY CHECK OUT… A prisoner who was injured while escaping from a Pueblo jail has sued the State of Colorado for not providing him with a more escape-proof facility. Among his alleged “inducements to flee” were knotted bed sheets for sale in the canteen, soap bar pistol carving instruction offered in the hobby shop and a 24/7 free airport shuttle.
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THE ENVELOPE, PLEASE… Without the striking writers, the Golden Globe Awards “press conference,” starless and hosted by entertainment reporters, covered 25 winners in 31 minutes. But in true award show tradition, it still ran over its scheduled 26 minutes.

PARTY ICE SCULPTURE… Scientists studying the effects of global warming have noticed alarming changes in the melting rate of western Antarctic ice sheets. More worrisome, the ice destabilization appears to reach as far south as North America. Last week, they observed substantial chunks chipping off Martha Stewart.

ASK NOT… All but tolling the death knell for Detroit’s already struggling Big Three, the Chinese will begin selling cars in the US this year. First to reach the showrooms will be a small, fuel-efficient hybrid called the “Kung Pao Shrimp.”
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REGRETS ONLY… Pope Benedict XVI canceled a scheduled visit to La Sapienza University in Rome after professors and students declared him “pontiff non grata” for his hostility toward science evidenced by his backward views on stem cell research, evolution and genetic engineering. On a positive note, though, he is better off than Mike Huckabee whom they banned for life.

FAGETABOUTIT… Bill Purcells has named Tony Sparano as head coach of the cellar-dwelling, 15-1 Miami Dolphins. Actually, it was a mistake caused by a secretary’s typo. Purcells intended to offer the job to Tony Soprano, hoping he would knock off a few opposing defensive linemen.

I DONE GOOD… NASCAR driver Ryan Newman, one of the few professional drivers with a college degree, says the organization should require rookies to show up with more education. Officials have been loath to require college degrees, fearing the grads might use words or phrases that would go over the heads of average NASCAR fans.

ON TAP… Americans for Legal Immigration have begun efforts to draft Lou Dobbs for a presidential run. They are aware, however, that a draft would be futile without formal approval, so far unforthcoming, from Larry King.
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