SCRIBES SCRAMBLE... Expected to last for months, the Writers Guild of America has launched its first strike since 1988, shutting down TV and film production and forcing producers to rely on reruns. All is not repetition, though. Here are a few last-minute replacements:
1] Everybody Wonders Why Raymond Isn't Saying Anything Funny
2] Murder, She Didn't Write
3] Are You Smarter Than a Fifth Grade Writer?
4] Dancing With the Scabs
5] Jordan Crossing the Picket Line
SWEEPS... Al-Qaeda leader Al-Zawahri has released a 28 minute video entitled “Unity of the Ranks” condemning Kaddafi and his “masters, the Western Crusaders.” Actually, it was rushed into release to avoid the writers' strike.
ROLE MODEL... Pakistan's president Musharraf has suspended the country's constitution, replaced Supreme Court justices and shut down TV and radio stations to stamp out dissent. For God’s sake, don’t let Bush hear about this.
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“Anyway, I’m so thankful and so gracious---I’m gracious that my brother Jeb is concerned about the hemisphere as well.”
George W. Bush 6/4/01 Miami, FL
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[] For hundreds of authentic idiotic quotes like this, check out “The George W. Bush Out of Office Countdown Handbook,” available at:
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JUGGLER… Fred Thompson’s campaign co-chairman Phil Martin resigned after being exposed as a convicted marijuana and cocaine dealer as well as a bookmaker. Fred has always valued staffers who can multi-task.
NO CLARENCE THOMAS… Despite his continuing unhappiness with Mukasey’s refusal to define water boarding as torture, Arlen Specter will nonetheless vote yes on his nomination because “he’s really learned the law.” Well, that certainly evens things up.
MUMMIFIED… Archeologists in Luxor, Egypt have transferred King Tut into a glass showcase for public viewing. Said their Antiquities Chief: “The face of the Golden Boy is amazing. It has magic and it has mystery.” He was talking about Michael Jackson’s but thinks Tut’s is nice, too.
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PARAPHELEGICS FOR JESUS… Donald Wildman, head of the American Family Association, is appealing to the Pentagon to enforce the congressional ban on pornography sold on military bases which he claims should include Playboy, Nude and Penthouse magazines. As Don sees it, soldiers shouldn’t be allowed to look at bare skin unless it’s riddled with bullets or shrapnel.
DUTY CALLS… Rice’s memo ordering all US diplomats to volunteer for duty in Afghanistan and Iraq is causing many to resign from the Foreign Service. Despite her offer to cut deployments in half for anyone who agrees to sleep with her.
SNACKSIDE… As part of their “Go Green” energy conservation campaign, NBC cut the studio lights during halftime on Sunday Night Football. To show his support, John Madden even turned off the French fryer he keeps beside him in the booth.
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TABLOID CASUALTY… Telling an interviewer she was disgusted by press coverage of Anna Nicole’s death, Maria Shriver quit her occasional job as a reporter for NBC. Which leaves only one experienced, battle-tested network female news analyst---Katie Couric.
PUMP IT UP… In a related story, NBC has confirmed that Jay Leno will be replaced in 2009 by Conan O’Brien. Not to be confused with “Conan the Barbarian II” which begins filming in 2009 with Arnold Schwarzenegger.
JOLLY GREEN GIANT… A huge patch of garbage from sewer runoff and cruise ship dumping is floating in the Pacific 1000 miles north of Hawaii. Coast Guard spotters report that it’s shaped like Texas and smells like New Jersey.
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A Longtime Bob Hope Joke Writer Presents Daily Insightful Topical Satire Of Current Events (Illustrated) Plus Rare Photos From Hollywood's Bygone Era And Excerpts From THE LAUGH MAKERS By Robert L. Mills -- Color Photos From the Book and Rare Classic Vintage Video Clips! Send Your Show Biz Questions to "ASK BOB" at: TheLaughMakers@GMail.com
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