Wednesday 10/24/07

THANKS, BUT… Bush called California’s Governor Schwarzenegger and offered to send FEMA to aid the 500,000 evacuees of the state’s wildfires. Luckily, Arnold was able to talk him out of it. But Bush assured him that he’s ordered the Army Corps of Engineers to check Malibu’s levees and FEMA to air drop life preservers to the survivors.

PHOTO OP… Shortly thereafter, Bush announced that he’ll personally tour the fire-devastated areas on Thursday. He’s really empathetic. He’s already ordered the “Mission Accomplished” sign and asked the Secret Service to find a surfboard for him to hold.

RAMBO PAMBY… Rice has issued new ground rules governing those trigger happy Blackwater mercenaries who’ve been ordered to show more “cultural sensitivity.”
Which in laymen’s terms means that from now on they have to allow the Iraqi civilians to face Mecca while they’re being shot.
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“And the other lesson is that there are people who can’t stand what America stands for, the desire to conflict great harm on the American people.”

George W. Bush 8/1/03 Pittsburgh, PENN
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MOON RIVER… The GOP presidential hopefuls are embroiled in a debate over which of them is the “most conservative.” If no agreement is reached, they may have to resort to what Republicans have always dreaded---they may have to drop trow and compete in a winner-take-all “pucker off.”

SAWBONES… The FBI conducted a raid on David Copperfield’s prop warehouse in Las Vegas in a search for evidence of sexual abuse an assistant claims recently took place in the Bahamas. Agents refused to identify which half he abused.

MUMBO JUMBALIA… A conference of top-ranking Christian, Jewish and Muslim religious leaders met in Los Angeles to discuss “problematic passages” in Jewish scripture, the New Testament and the Koran. In attempting to unravel the myths, legends, fantasies and fairy tales, they’ve agreed on only one sacred truth: that the fallen angel Lucifer has returned to earth in the body of Ann Coulter.

BUFFET BUFFS… The cruise industry has reported a threefold increase in passengers since 1988. Not in numbers---in pounds.

HEAVY DUTY… Former House Speaker Dennis Hastert has announced that he’ll not seek reelection. According to an aide, he feels he should spend more time with his family---and his diet.
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BOOK ‘EM, DANO… Bush says he’ll oppose a bill being considered in the House that would grant federal recognition of native Hawaiians. He did offer a comprimise, though. He’d be willing to grant a posthumous Medal of Freedom to Jack Lord.

CHATTERBOX CAFÉ… Prairie Home Companion’s Garrison Keillor went to court to stop a woman’s obscene e-mails and harassing phone calls. He declined police intervention, however, preferring instead to rely on his private investigator, Guy Noir.

BLAST OFF!… The space shuttle Discovery is now 24 years old and showing signs of age that half of NASA’s scientists say are sufficient reason to ground it. Among the problems:
1] Tang dispenser is constantly clogged.
2] Not enough storage space for today’s fluffier, more absorbant Huggies.
3] Doors on pilot’s liquor cabinet stick.

THREEFER… Maria Schriver is hosting a first-ever meeting of the the presidential candidates‘ spouses. Mrs. Giuliani declined to attend, but luckily, Rudy has two backups.

HEAD SHOTS… Employees of New Jersey’s Palisades Medical Center were suspended for releasing George Clooney’s medical records. They would have gotten away with it but they went too far and tried to forge his autograph on the x-rays.