CROSS HAIRS... The Iraqi government claims to have a video showing Blackwater mercenaries killing eleven Iraqi civilians.
A White House spokesman cast doubt on its authenticity, however, saying it's obviously made up of spliced-together clips from "3:10 to Yuma."
NOW BOARDING... Thousands of robed and sandaled Buddist monks in Myanmar chanted in the streets to protest oppressive military rule. Bystanders report that downtown Rangoon looked like a giant airport lobby.
MOLAR MADNESS... Wrigley has won the coveted American Dental Association's seal of approval for its sugarless gum Orbit, Extra and Eclipse. Competitors will have to rely on the less-than-coveted seal of the Dental Association of Great Britain.
AHOY!... A Royal Caribbean cruise ship stopped to rescue two Haitian migrants adrift on a raft off the Florida coast. Before they could be turned over to the Coast Guard, both had been signed by the Tampa Bay Devil Rays.
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"I think it's really important for this great state of baseball to reach out to people of all walks of life to make sure that the sport is inclusive. The best way to do it is to convince little kids how to---the beauty of playing baseball."
George W. Bush 2/13/2006 Washington DC
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LOUISVILLE SLUGGER... Former big leaguer Jose Offerman was charged with assault after clubbing the pitcher and catcher with his bat. "Jose is innocent," said his lawyer, Nancy Kerrigan.
RAP SHEET... The FBI reports that violent crime rose for the second year in a row. They blame gangs, lax gun-licensing laws and the return of OJ.
SURGE... Workers erecting Dubai's 165 story Burj Dubai Hotel are at story 145 and complete one floor every three days. All but obliterating the record set by call girls at the last Republican National Convention.
OPEN SEATING... A newly-developed $1.88 million scanning device will be used at the Port of Los Angeles to inspect luggage being loaded onto cruise ships. It will also be used to scan returning passengers to make sure that their additional weight is only fat.
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DON'T ASK... Fed Ex, Yahoo!, and Mastercard get high ratings from the Corporate Equality Index for their treatment of gays, lesbians and bisexuals. Bottom feeders include the Army, Navy, Marines and the Florida Orange Juice Commission.
THOU SHALT NOT... The centerpiece of Giuliani's campaign are his "Twelve Commandments." Not the Christian ones he keeps breaking, but new political ones.
RELOAD... Giuliani apologized to the NRA for once characterizing their members as "terrorists," explaining that he overreacted after a weekend hunting trip with Dick Cheney.
ARRGGG... A man arriving at LAX was caught trying to smuggle three iguanas past Customs hidden in his hollowed-out wooden leg. Would have gotten away with it, too, but for the hook and the shoulder parrot.
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[] Catch Bob's on-line weekly radio show "INSIDE TELEVISION" for the latest articles, celebrity profiles and interviews on Thursday mornings from 8:20 to 9:00 am. PDT. LARRS, the all-volunteer, commercial free, non-profit Los Angeles Radio Reading Service is 24-hour Newsradio for the Blind, an affiliate of Minnesota's Radio Talking Book Network. Check it out. We welcome your support.
www.larrs.org
password: intelligence
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CRIPS & BLOODS... The Senate has passed $1 billion anti-gang legislation. It was their first "drive by" vote.
GIDEON... A Pontiac dealer in Texas includes a free bible with new car owners manuals. Non-Christians have a choice between the Quran or Harry Potter.
CLUNK!... Michael Douglas's "King of California" is being pilloried by critics. Friends say Catherina Zeta Jones won't even let him touch her Zeta.
A Longtime Bob Hope Joke Writer Presents Daily Insightful Topical Satire Of Current Events (Illustrated) Plus Rare Photos From Hollywood's Bygone Era And Excerpts From THE LAUGH MAKERS By Robert L. Mills -- Color Photos From the Book and Rare Classic Vintage Video Clips! Send Your Show Biz Questions to "ASK BOB" at: TheLaughMakers@GMail.com
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