Irish Eyes Are Smiling

[] The US Ryder Cup team is trounced for the third consecutive time by the Europeans. Tiger Woods' Ryder record now stands at 10-13-2. (Associated Press 9/24)

Woods won't play well in it until it's renamed the "Ryder Truck Rental Open" and offers a two million dollar purse.

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[] While the US was losing the Ryder Cup, American tennis players were being eliminated from the Davis Cup by Russia. (USA Today 9/25)

On a more positive note, US athletes still lead the world in spousal abuse.

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[] Tampa Bay Bucaneers Chris Simms had to have his spleen removed after being injured in the team's loss to the Carolina Panthers on Sunday. (USA Today 9/25)

Maybe the NFL is getting too rough. Now the "sack" comes with bodily organs in it.

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[] Pope Benedict XVI invites envoys from Muslim nations to meet with him----Turkey and Iran quickly accept. (Associated Press 9/23)

This time, he'll try to convince them that he was really talking about Muhammad Ali.

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[] The National Association of Evangelicals has launched "Muslim Prayer Forums" in which Christians will ask God to help Muslims accept Jesus. (Associated Press 9/23)

Allah isn't used to granting favors to Christians, but, hey----this just might work.

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[] Jerry Falwell says he hopes Democrats nominate Hillary Clinton because she'd mobilize his backers "even more than Satan would." (Los Angeles Times 9/24)

Does Jere really believe she could recreate that distinctive Bush/Beelzebub "sulphur odor"?

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[] Bush blinks----accepts McCain's "Spirit of the Geneva Convention" terrorist interrogation guidelines. (New York Times 9/21)

Among the new do's and don'ts:

Acceptable: Attaching moistened genitals to a fully-charged Sears Die-Hard

Unacceptable: Forcing prisoners to watch Bush try to pronounce"nuclear"

Acceptable: Waterboarding to extract location of top-ranking Al Qaida members

Unacceptable: Waterboarding to extract location of Bush twins

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[] Army now explains living wills to troops because so many of them return from Iraq in a coma. (USA Today 9/25)

Like the one their commander-in-chief must have been in when he planned this thing.

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[] Rumsfeld is about to become the longest-serving Defense Secretary in US history. (USA Today 9/25)

World history if you don't count Martin Goebbels.

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[] A website manned by volunteer Catholic priests answers questions from the faithful via e-mail. (Los Angeles Times 9/24)

A special feature designed after "Ask Jeeves" invites inquisitive teens to "Ask Father Digits."

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[] Archeologists in Ethiopia have discovered the fossilized remains of a child believed to be three million years old. (Los Angeles Times 9/24)

Artifacts dug up nearby included trinkets, beads and a Flintstones lunch box.

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[] A French newspaper printed a report that Osama bin Laden died of typhoid fever in September. (Los Angeles Times 9/24)

While waiting for his Afghanistan war veteran's medical benefits.

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[] Lawyers for Oprah Winfrey have threatened to sue a Kansas City man who is promoting Oprah for president on the internet. (Kansas City Star 9/23)

Patrick Crowe says he'll redirect his efforts toward electing Oprah's running mate----Ellen DeGeneres.

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[] Paring his show's budget, "Saturday Night Live" producer Lorne Michaels has let five cast members go. (USA Today 9/22)

With typical SNL bravado, several were spotted outside NBC smoking something rolled up in their pink slips.

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[] Playskool has recalled 255,000 toy tool sets. (USA Today 9/22)

Seems that some of the more mechanically sophisticated tots were able to improvise explosive devices by watchng Iraq war news footage.

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[] Wal Mart and Target have squared off in a prescription drug war, offering some generics as low as $4. (ABC News 9/22)

The war began at dawn on Friday when two pharmacists faced each other with matching pestles.

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[] N.A.S.A. officials blamed weightlessness in space after Atlantis astronaut Heidemarie Stefanyshyn-Piper fainted twice at a welcome home ceremony in Houston. (Associated Press 9/23)

Likely story. They probably showed her the bill.

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[] Ban on taking liquids aboard airliners is lifted. (Associated Press 9/25)

With the possible exception of nitroglycerine.

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[] A Columbus, Ohio auto dealer offers "Fatwa Fridays" where kids are given free swords. (USA Today 9/25)

Moms get a free burka with the logo of their son's soccer team printed on it.

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