WEDNESDAY, November 21, 2012

TURKEY DAY -- Following the lead of Target, K Mart and Staples, most major retailers will stage a late sale on Thanksgiving Day. Bed, Bath and Beyond is going one step further.  They're changing their name on Thanksgiving only to "Bed, Bath and a Butterball."
 

MUSIC LESSON -- A study on sexuality conducted by researchers at the University of Indiana determined that 15% of women will fake an orgasm to preserve their relationship.  Men on the other hand often fake foreplay by tapping out the bongo drum part in "Babaloo." 
 

RIBBON CUT -- Brother, which has manufactured 5.9 million portable typewriters in its North Wales factory since 1885, has donated the last machine off the assembly line to a London Museum.   Next week, the last bottle of White Out will be donated to the Sherwin-Williams Museum.

FEETS, DO YOUR STUFF -- Ever wonder why comedians seem to live so long?  Turns out that laughter, according to a recent medical study, is a quantifiable form of exercise.  For instance, Michael Richards lost eight pounds just running away from the audience after he used the "N" word on stage.
 

MISSED BY THAT MUCH -- An exhibition in Tokyo features electronic inventions that never caught on with buyers like the hand-operated washing machine, the radio-shaped TV and the toaster that delivered the toast to your plate.  American technology has had its share of duds, too -- like the sun dial with a sweep second shadow or the toothpaste tube with a cap at both ends so it doesn't matter if you squeeze it in the middle.

Contents Copyright (c) 2012 by Robert L. Mills  All Rights Reserved

TUESDAY, November 20, 2012

SPILT MILK -- Ever careful to profit by their mistakes, the U.S. Army is investigating ways to prevent another David Petraeus from infiltrating their ranks.  Examining film of David as a cadet, they noticed that when chanting the West Point motto "Duty, Honor, Country," he had a bad habit of pronouncing "Duty" with a "B."
 

TIT FOR TAT -- Marking the 50th anniversary of the closest the U.S. ever came to nuclear war, the National Archives are currently hosting an exhibit recalling the 1962 Cuban Missile Crisis.  It took some hard bargaining when JFK faced down Nikita Khruschev, but luckily Khruschev had always wanted to meet Marilyn Monroe.
 

CLOSE ENOUGH -- The California DMV in Los Angeles recently issued a license to a driver who had been diagnosed as legally blind.  How, you might ask, could something so potentially dangerous to the public be condoned?  Well, according to a department spokesman, Lindsay Lohan has set the bar so low, that...

SWIMMING LESSONS -- Once considered largely incurable, male infertility is now being treated with injections of stem cells.  It's an ingenious medical breakthrough, though extremely labor-intensive and time-consuming.  See, each oyster has only one stem that he isn't about to give up without a fight. 

HOCKEY PUCK -- According to a  world hunger study ordered by the UN, climate change has so effected potato crops, the familiar spud may soon be replaced by the banana which grows in warmer climates.  Times have sure changed.  Ten years ago, who would have dreamed that Chiquita Banana would replace Don Rickles?


Contents Copyright (c) 2012 by Robert L. Mills  All Rights Reserved

MONDAY, November 19, 2012

LIFE PRESERVER -- Responding to a 2009 mandate by the U.S. Attorney General, the use of protective body armor by police officers nationwide has risen 29% since 2009.  Most popular Kevlar under-uniform jacket is the "Smith & Wesson 500" that's shaped like a Krispy Kreme donut with sprinkles.

FUGETABOUTIT -- The state of Nevada is preparing to celebrate its 150th anniversary in 2014.  Plans are already underway in Las Vegas for a parade featuring floats designed to honor famous mob bosses who came over on the Mayflower and hired their first Strip headliner -- Cher.
 

HEAVY DUTY -- City fathers in Providence Rhode Island are perplexed by the recent theft of 241 hundred-and-eighty pound cast iron manhole covers.  Police suspect someone is attaching legs to them and selling them at flea markets as designer coffee tables.

McDOMINOS -- Responding to its first monthly sales decline in ten years, McDonald's will soon offer home delivery of its fast food menu items.  May be embarrassing in front of the neighbors, though.  A delivery kid in a Ronald McDonald costume arrives driving a clown car.
 

BUGGED -- Here's an alarming statistic from the CDC:  You're almost twice as likely to suffer from food poisoning today than you were just two years ago.  You know you may soon be among the unsuspecting victims if your waiter gives you a Handy Wipe suck on while you're waiting for your order.

Contents Copyright (c) 2012 by Robert L. Mills  All Rights Reserved

11-12 to 11-19, 2012 (Vacation Schedule)

TWO-ARMED BANDITS -- Las Vegas spent $15 million to create a Mob Museum to honor members of the Mafia who founded the desert oasis. Most popular exhibits are in the “Offers That Couldn’t be Refused” wing that features a display of wall-mounted horses’ heads.
 

BOBBIN’ ALONG -- Divers with the Hawaii Undersea Research Laboratory  discovered an unknown reef that is the home of what they believe may be a new species of deep sea sponge. They were stunned when they noticed that it appears to be wearing square pants.
 

BALLROOM -- Former Kansas City hurler Mark Lytell invented what he claims is a safer, more comfortable athletic cup that sells for $19.95 and is named the “Nutty Buddy.” A top-of-the-line model in solid platinum is available at Tiffany’s in their Family Jewels section.
 

FINAL CURTAIN -- Riverview Monuments in Wausau, WIS offers $2000 digital headstones that show a continuous DVD of scenes of the departed loved one’s life.  For a slight additional charge, the undertaker will provide a professional writer to punch up the script.
 

SFO HMO -- Airports in Atlanta, Chicago, Denver, Newark and San Francisco offer flu shots to arriving and departing passengers. And those whose security x-rays show a sprain or inflammation may qualify for a Cortisone shot.
 

CHAMPS -- A survey of 400,000 15-year-olds in 57 countries found that youths in South Korea lead the world in reading skills while those in Taiwan excel in mathematics and Finland leads in science. US students were not entirely shut out, however, placing first in video gaming, cell phone text messaging, recreational binge drinking and hanging out.
 

INTENSIVE CARE -- Men’s Health Magazine has ranked their “20 Worst Foods in America” with Aussie Cheese Fries from The Outback topping the artery-clogging list with 2900 calories and 182 fat grams. In hot pursuit and not far behind -- Denny’s Grand Mal Seizure Breakfast, Appleby’s Macadamia Nut and Caramelized Pork Rind Salad, and T. G. I. Friday’s Deep Fried Lard-On-A-Stick.
 

GNARLY HARLEY -- Archaeologists in Valley of the Kings, Egypt discovered eighteen broken bones in the body of King Tut. Which pretty much explains that tattered leather jacket they found under him with “Evel Tut” embroidered on the back.

 

BAPTISM -- When J. Robert Cade the inventor of Gatorade died at age 80, he was cremated and, in accordance with his final wishes, his ashes were dissolved in a tub of Gatorade and dumped on the winning coach at the Super Bowl.
 

SAM’S CLUB -- Time Magazine reported that 400,000 Americans live full time in a motor home, most of them buying luxury coaches in the $300,000 to $1,000,000 price range. Next time you’re behind one on the freeway, consider this: it’s probably being driven by a 77-year old retired dentist from Keokuk with a heart in about the same shape as Cheney’s whose only training was watching Robin Williams in “RV.” For God‘s sake, don‘t try to pass him!”
 

SUCH SWEET SORROW -- Banned from sale in the United States since 1912, absinthe is now approved by the FDA. The 100+ proof, distilled from worm wood aperitif, was once described by Oscar Wilde as “… producing the ability to see things as they really are, and that is the most horrible thing in the world.”  However, contrary to centuries-old belief, there appears to be no empirical evidence that absinthe makes the heart grow fonder.
 

ANATOMICALLY CORRECT -- A toymaker in Italy now offers Moses and Mary dolls at $20 a copy. Press a button on her back and Mary announces “With God, all things are possible.” Pull a string and Moses sings two choruses of the Notre Dame fight song.
 

WE’RE OFF TO SEE -- When Midgets and dwarfs who played the Munchkins in 1939’s “Wizard of Oz” were awarded a star on Hollywood’s Walk of Fame, there was an unfortunate accident during the installation ceremony in front of Graumann’s Chinese Theater. Three of them fell into one of the footprints.

WHEN YOU WISH -- Disney World, which had purchased $700 million in natural gas futures from the now defunct Lehman Brothers, is now faced with escalating energy costs to heat the theme park. Snow White was so cold last night, she had to throw on another Dwarf.
 

BOOLA BOOLA -- Nine state troopers were caught submitting forged academic documents to qualify for higher pay scales. State inspectors became suspicious when they noticed degrees from the University of Winchell's and Dunkin' Donuts Tech.
 

REACH OUT -- A death row inmate in Texas was found in possession of a cell phone he'd been using for weeks with minutes provided by his mother. It was Nokia's popular "Hard Time 550" model with cell waiting.
 

CALL FOR AMERICAN -- The World Health Organization predicts there will be 8.3 million deaths from tobacco related illnesses between now and 2030. Each grave "so round, so firm, so fully-packed"...
 

WALKING ALONE -- Jerry Lewis apologized for an anti-gay comment he made during a TV interview Down Under. He had to admit that he has no real evidence that Crocodile Dundee and Mel Gibson are married.
 

MUNCHIES -- The owner of a Mexican restaurant in Colorado was charged with drug possession after marijuana was found in one of his tacos. He never should have named it the "Willie Nelson Tijuana Firecracker Special."

 

ANNUAL PHYSICAL -- The American Civil Liberties Union filed a formal request with the Federal Bureau of Prisons to review the "grossly inadequate conditions on  death row that include inmate mistreatment and sub-standard health care that has resulted in a significantly higher mortality rate than that of the general population."

PAPA BURNING -- Animal rights activists staged a topless protest outside the European Parliament demanding a ban on bullfighting in Spain, France and Portugal. First the gals set their bras on fire and then ignited a pile of books by Ernest Hemingway.
 

ROAD KILL -- Armadillos, once rarely found in the north, are migrating in greater numbers. Zoologists theorize that some are searching for food, some are seeking mates and the majority just want to get as far away from Texas as possible.
 

SKIN GAME -- Ford Motor Company offers an option called "My key" which is programmed to limit both the speed of the car and the radio's volume when the car is driven by a teenager.  It also alerts the parents whenever the car gets within fifty yards of a tattoo parlor.
 





 

Contents Copyright (c) 2012 by Robert L. Mills  All Rights Reserved

11-6 to 11-11, 2012 (Vacation Schedule)

MON DEU! -- France celebrates five years of its controversial ban on smoking in restaurants, hotels, casinos, cafes and brasseries. Doctors concluded that tobacco use accounted for 61,000 French deaths a year -- a health threat rivaled only by excessive viewing of Jerry Lewis movies.
 

COUNTDOWN -- At 85, Queen Elizabeth II is Britain’s oldest-ever monarch, eclipsing the record previously held by Queen Victoria.  Shes' the longest reigning queen in history -- unless, of course, you count Elton John.
 

UNDER THE COUCH CUSHION -- When Robert Adler, the inventor of the TV remote control, died in 2007 at age 93, his funeral had to be postponed for six weeks.  No one could find him.
 

VICTORIA’S SECRET -- Declassified FBI documents reveal a plan by J. Edgar Hoover to arrest 12,000 Americans suspected of disloyalty.  Even worse, he also wanted to seize, without a warrant, the frilly underthings of their wives.
 

CSI CAIRO -- Egyptologists now contend that the Discovery Channel’s 2007“Secrets of Egypt’s Lost Queen” may have relied on uncorroborated evidence to identify the mummified remains of Queen Hatsheput. Seems they used pre-DNA techniques used in the 1970’s to authenticate Cher.

 

EARLY BIRDERS -- The town of Greenburgh, NY allows senior citizens to work off their property taxes at government agencies. Which explains that fire truck I spotted last week with its left turn signal permanently flashing.
 

BIBLE BILLBOARD -- Country stars with successful religious-themed albums include Vince Gill with “Give Me Jesus,” Brad Paisley’s “The Old Rugged Cross,” and Sara Evans’s “Just a Closer Walk With Thee.”  Tunes that just didn't shout hallelujah include Dolly Parton’s “That Bible in the Nightstand Says No Lovin’ Here Tonight,”  “I Want More Sodom in My Gomorra” by Billy Ray Cyrus and Garth Brooks’ “God Bless My Hat”
 

DUCK AND COVER -- In 2007, China entered its first float in the Rose Parade.  The crowd lining the streets in Pasadena was stunned when it began lobbing ground-to-air missiles at the Japanese float.
 

LOVIN’ IT -- A McDonald’s near London’s Gatwick Airport imposes a $150 fine for using their parking lot longer than 45 minutes. And that's not the worst of it.  Drive-thru customers must place their order within the required 60 seconds to disable tire-deflating spikes.
 

WINGED VICTORY -- In January, air travel aficionados will gather in Dayton, OH to celebrate the 109th anniversary of the Wright Brothers’ first flight. They’ll reconvene a week later to mark the return of their luggage.
 

FANTASIA -- Fish and Game officials report a marked increase in automatic weapon assaults on wardens in the field. They attribute the violence to rural methamphetamine labs… marijuana cultivation in wooded areas… and an increase in gang activity among wildlife.
 

RATATOUILLE -- Naturalists conducting research with Conservation International discovered a new species of rat, five times larger than normal rodents, in the Foja Mountains near Papua, New Guinea. Unlike urban sewer rats that just bite tourists, these use poison spear guns.
 

BALANCING ACT -- Researchers discovered that pregnant women have specially adapted lower back and hip joints that keep them from tipping forward. The study also showed specially-positioned shoulder blades that allow females them to carry heavy shopping bags, fully loaded, virtually indefinitely.
 

SQUEEZE MY GRAPEFRUIT -- A contest to find a new state song for Florida included among the finalists: “Where the Saw Grass Meets the Sky,” “Florida, My Home” and “My Florida Home.”  Runners up included: “Where Old Folks Come to Die,” “Florida, My Nursing Home” and “What Time Is Lawrence Welk On?”
 

ARE YOU READY? -- The “NFL Experience” theme park in Glendale, AZ enables visitors to experience being an NFL player.  Attractions include the “Spousal Abuse Tilt-A-Whirl,” the “Late Night Strip Club Shooting Gallery” and “DUI Bumper Cars.”

JURASSIC HOOVER -- Fossils from a 110 million year old dinosaur found in the Sahara Desert are now on display at the headquarters of the National Geographic Society. The specimen, which had a large shovel-like mouth is believed to have survived by sucking in food like a giant vacuum cleaner. Paleontologists have named the prehistoric creature “Rush Limbaugh Rex.”
 

KODAK MOMENT -- Photo experts at the Smithsonian Museum believe they have discovered the image of Abraham Lincoln among the huge crowd waiting to hear him deliver the Gettysburg Address. Under intense microscopic examination, he appears to be buying two tickets to the Ford Theater from a notorious scalper known in Virginia as “Balcony Bob.”
 

WE’RE DOIN’ FINE -- Oklahomans are commemorating the 105th anniversary of statehood with year-long celebrations. They’re glad they belong to the land and the land they belong to is grand.
 

M-I-C-K-E-Y -- Officials at Disneyland warned patrons that ashes of loved ones may not be spread in the park after a woman was spotted sprinkling a “white powder” into the water at the Pirates of the Caribbean ride. Let’s just hope they never dump the cryogenically frozen body of their founder in there.
 

MIEN ORB -- A world globe recovered by the Allies in Hitler’s “Eagle’s Nest” in the Bavarian Alps fetched $100,000 at a San Francisco auction. Probably the real McCoy. You can see the holes where the fuhrer poked his pencil into Poland… France… Denmark… Norway… Belgium… Moscow…
 

STONE TABLETS -- While searching the home of mob “boss-of-bosses” Salvatore Lo Piccolo, Italian police discovered a document containing the “Ten Commandments of the Mafia.” While it's being held for evidence, we've obtained an advance copy:   1] Thou shalt kill.  2] Thou shalt not worship false gods with the exception of Francis Ford Coppola.  3] Honor thy father and thy mother and thy father's mistress. 4] Don't Taketh in vain either the name “Vinnie” or “Nunzio.” 5] Speaketh thou like Marlon Brando in the Godfather.  6] Stuffeth not more than three bodies into the trunk of thy Cadillac.  7] Never whacketh anyone named “Bob.”  8] Sit with thy back to the wall while dining in public.  9] Never misseth a rerun of “The Sopranos.”10] Forgetith not that the Pope calls the shots.
 

DINNER MUSIC -- An Italian author and art buff claims he has discovered a musical staff on the surface Leonardo Da Vinci's “The Last Supper” with objects on the table representing the notes of a song. Sacred musicologists are at odds over whether the notes comprise “Hey Jude” or the theme from “Jesus Christ Superstar.”
 

OI VEY -- Forty thousand people who converted to the Jewish religion have had their conversions annulled by the state-funded Rabbinical High Court.  Among the behaviors that could trigger immediate disqualification were infrequent and/or misuse of the terms "farklempt" "schnoorer," and "schlep" as well as unfamiliarity with the pharmaceutical benefits of chicken soup.
 
PAPA LOVES VOODOO -- In Port Au Prince, Haitians flocked to cemeteries , kicking off Voodoo's Festival of the Dead. Voodoo, a blend of Christian tenets and African religions fused by slaves, is practiced across the nation. It was sanctioned as an official religion in 2003 -- when the government conceded it was no more ridiculous than any other religion.

Contents Copyright (c) 2012 by Robert L. Mills  All Rights Reserved