TUESDAY, April 17, 2012

On the movie front, the Farrelly Brothers bring us “The Three Stooges” starring Sean Hayes, Will Sasso and Jane Lynch which opened at theaters nationwide.  Complete morons with absolutely no sense of responsibility or concern for the safety of themselves or those around them stumbling aimlessly through life.  But enough about the Farrelly Brothers.

Office supply mogul and owner of Staples Center Philip Anschutz is has offered to purchase an NFL franchise for Los Angeles as long as they use his stadium.  But Phil has attached a few weird conditions to the proposed deal – like a copy-center next to the souvenir counter, Texas Cheerleader-style girls wearing uniforms woven out of paper clips and free laptop computer check-ups during half-time.

Dr. Conrad Murry, convicted of killing Michael Jackson by prescribing too much propophol used as an anesthetic during surgery, watched with disappointment as Los Angeles Judge Michael Pastor denied him bail while he appeals his four-year sentence.  To add just the right touch of irony to the proceedings, before pounding the gavel, the judge said, “That’s my decision for now… but I’ll sleep on it.”

 
New documents just disclosed indicate that executives of Virgin Airlines asked the U.S. to ease up on airport searches during the Easter holiday to reduce bottlenecks during the biggest rush season of the year.  As expected, the Department of Homeland Security not only refused but doubled personnel assigned to pat down searches, much to the displeasure of Virgin.  On the plus side, they uncovered 387 Easter eggs -- 241 more than last year.

According to the Guinness Book of World Records, the oldest working barber in the world is 101-year old Anthony Mancinelli who has been cutting hair for 90 years.  Tony has hosted presidents, several princes, Mafia chieftains, movie stars and celebrated athletes such as Joe DiMaggio.  His biggest regret is that he didn’t listen more closely when Sampson asked for “Just a little off the sides.” 

MONDAY, April 16, 2012

Tour organizers are planning to recreate the doomed maiden voyage of the Titanic as accurately as possible during the upcoming Titanic Memorial Cruise setting sail from South Hampton, England on May 12.  The first class menu will be exactly as it was 100 years ago as well as the music playing on the Promenade Deck.  To simulate the final moments before disaster struck, the captain will run the ship into Whoopie Goldberg.

Sightings of wild crocodiles in the Florida Keys have more than doubled over the past five years, according to the number of calls made to 911.  While the amphibians pose a danger to humans only when provoked, Florida Fish & Game officials are concerned for the safety of the local population of retirees as the crocks seek to avenge the deaths of their ancestors through DNA samples taken from the shoes and belts of their attackers.

Shortly after Tim Tebow’s trade to the New York Jets, the venerable Carnegie Deli has honored him with his own sandwich –  hot Italian sausage with jalapeno peppers and Texas chili sauce on a garlic bagel.  Why Tim Tebow?  When he first invented it, the owner noticed that after about two bites, customers were dropping to one knee and invoking the name of their creator.

Apple executives are denying reports being investigated by 60 Minutes that Chinese university students have been working in I-Pad assembly plants for nothing in the hope they might be hired by the firm upon graduation.  However none of the co-eds were available for an interview with Scott Pelley since they’re all on Spring Break in Kowloon.

The latest satellite technology allows scientists to accurately count animal populations from space.  Zoologists were recently astounded to discover that there are twice as many emperor penguins in the Arctic than previously believed.  Seems that in the past, using less accurate satellites, the scientists were failing to count penguins the cameras had erroneously identified as nuns or members of wedding parties.

FRI, SAT, SUN, April 13, 14, 15, 2012

Roller coaster fans worldwide are anxiously awaiting the unveiling of the first “zero gravity” thrill ride.  According to its designers, the stomach is suspended for several seconds as though floating in pure helium.  Professional test riders describe the sensation as not unlike getting a colonoscopy from Snoopy during the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day parade.  

To discourage uninsured patients who use the ER as a substitute for self-medicating minor ailments, a trend-setting Texas hospital charges them a $250 flat fee, due up-front.  How do they define a “minor ailment,” you might ask?  Well, according to the admissions guidelines posted on every gurney, it’s “any disease that costs less than $250 to catch.”

Hoboken, New Jersey amateur inventor Paul Sammut claims his new alarm clock will awaken even the soundest sleeper.  The secret is the thing can’t be turned off without entering a pin number which changes daily.   He got the idea for his “Ramos” clock from studying the cast of “The View” whose tongues can’t be silenced unless NBC enters a code that they seem to have forgotten.

Lyn Peters, a Capetown South Africa social networking executive, was rescued by his Twitter followers after he twitted that he’d been locked in the trunk of his car and left by kidnappers hoping to collect a large ransom.  He told police who soon arrived on the scene that he would have been rescued sooner, but it took awhile to condense his predicament into 140 words.       

Best Buy announced they’ll open 50 stores in Beijing, Shanghai and other major Chinese cities.  They’ll look like the stores in the U.S., except in true Oriental culinary tradition, the Best Buy tech support employees won’t be called “The Geek Squad” as they are here.  Instead, their technicians will be called “The Leek Squad,” dispensing home-made soup to Best Buy customers along with their expertise.

THURSDAY, April 12, 2012

Facebook has paid a whopping $1 billion for Instagram, makers of a photo-sharing app with 30 million subscribers.  Founded less than two years ago, the company had only 13 employees.  That’s all we need—13 more people in the unemployment line.  Granted, each has $130 million in his back pocket, but still. . .

In Milton, Washington, when their school bus driver suffered a sudden heart attack and passed out at the wheel, 13-year old Jeremy Wuitschick guided the bus to the roadside, turned off the ignition and began administering CPR on the driver.  He not only received congratulations from President Obama, Dick Cheney offered him an after-school job as a care-giver.

For only the fourth time in Masters Tournament history and the first since 1932, Louis Oosthuizen shot a double eagle two on the par-five third hole at Augusta National.  What a well-deserved thrill for the club membership!  The chances of carding a double at Augusta are about the same as sneaking a woman through the front gate.

Republican officials are calling for a Congressional investigation of Barack Obama’s T-Ball season during which he annually welcomes kids to the White House lawn where they vie for prizes.  The Repubs have nothing against T-Ball per se, but this year Obama has faces of all the GOP candidates painted on the balls.

Even though it had to overcome a nine-year head start, “The Lion King” has dethroned “Phantom of the Opera” as Broadway’s all-time highest-grossing show with a cumulative total of $853,846,062.  Impressive, although the long-running show still trails “Cats” in total hairballs, 7461 to 5938.

WEDNESDAY, April 11, 2012

This year’s green jacket at the Masters Golf Tournament went to Bubba Watson after he bested all-day scoreboard leader Louis Oosthuizen on the second hole of a sudden death playoff.  Bubba Watson is far from the best-known new star on the PGA tour and when Secretary of State Hillary Clinton was informed by an aide that a Bubba had won the Masters, she said, “Really?  I didn’t even know Bill played golf.”

The 158th running of the tradition-steeped Oxford-Cambridge boat race had to be stopped midway when a spectator clad in a black rubber wetsuit jumped into the Thames and positioned himself directly in the boats' path.  After a 30-minute delay, the race was resumed with Cambridge taking the checkered flag.  Officials were stunned – that anyone could actually swim in that polluted water and live. 

To accommodate the increasing incidence of peanut allergies among kids, the Mets have sectioned off a “peanut-free” zone of the bleachers where goobers will not be sold or eaten.  They got the idea from Yankee Stadium’s “bimbo-free” zone that has an alarm that goes off whenever Cameron Diaz, Kate Hudson, Halle Berry or a Kardashian try to sit there.

Joining a list of accomplished guest stars, Lindsay Lohan will polish up her sharps and flats to join the cast of “Glee.”  Of course, certain precautions have been taken.  For instance, cast members have been cautioned to leave personal jewelry at home and rely solely on the wardrobe department for accessories.

Apple will take a bath on a lucrative contract they had landed with the Defense Department to supply pilots in the U.S. Air Force personal I-Pads.  According to a spokesman with the General Accounting Office, the deal was cancelled after the Pentagon discovered the pilots were downloading an ap that flew their planes without human intervention.