LAFFS From The PAST (From our issue dated June 20, 2000)
Rabid net fans went berserk following the LA Lakers' 116-111 win over the Indiana Pacers to cop the title. While Laker fans were setting fire to police cars, Pacer supporters were attempting to overturn Jack Nicholson.
A New York Family Court judge has ordered Mick Jagger to report his net worth by August 1 to decide how much he'll pay to support that son he fathered with a Brazilian model. It should take that long just to have Keith Richards appraised.
Blistered by critics as an "empty star turn," MacBeth, starring Kelsey Grammer, will close after only thirteen performances. Grammer's acting was so dreadful, "Eddie," the dog on Frasier, is now refusing to work with him.
The Supreme Court has ruled that prayers led by students at high school football games violate the separation of church and state prohibition. With one exception. Clarence Thomas may silently thank God for letting him on the Court.
Ford will cut back production of its gas-guzzling Excursion SUV because of rising gas prices. Valuable lesson here. Never design a vehicle whose mileage is measured in "feet per gallon."
Until next time, I leave you with the immortal words of an unidentified IRS agent who reportedly said to Will Rogers, "You're about to meet a man you won't like."
______________________________
Excerpted From THE LAUGH MAKERS
[From Bob Hope’s monologue in Perth, Australia in February, 1978]
* These audiences are great, but Australians drink so much beer, you’re talking to more people in the aisles than in the seats.
* No, I love the beer here. One sip and you don’t feel old anymore. Two sips and you don’t feel anything anymore.
These were not exaggerations. Down under, beer is the oil of industry. Our rooms at the posh Parmelia Hotel were equipped with small refrigerators in which daily appeared two complimentary quarts of Swan Lager, an Aussie favorite. Like clockwork, at around nine, in would pop a jaunty bellman who’d grab a bottle and ask, “Can I uncork one for you, mate?” To decline would have been ungracious toward our hosts. Wouldn’t it?
* I’ve never seen so many beautiful girls. Perth wasn’t only the first city the astronauts saw from space — it was the first one they looked for.
* And the beaches here are so safe. The life guards give every girl mouth-to-mouth resuscitation — whether she needs it or not.
Aside from its gorgeous women, Australia boasts the best-trained lifeguards in the world. While shooting segments for the show on the beach, crack teams of them could be seen drilling nearby, racing through the surf in longboats. Matching the Aussies’ love of the water is a great respect for its power.
Of course, Hope wasn’t about to spend two weeks in a foreign land without his sticks.
* I love your golf courses. Yesterday, I had a great caddie. He was carrying my clubs in a pouch.
* On the third hole, my ball was okay, but my caddie took a bad hop.
* But it worked out great. He could run faster than I could hit.
Passport Photo Finish
Following the monologue, we set the stage for our obligatory customs sketch — always surefire in a foreign country — featuring Hope, Barbara and Florence as themselves confronted by an ultra-suspicious customs officer (Charo).
(Up on busy airport lobby)
ANNOUNCER: (V.O.) Will the Bob Hope party please report to Customs.
(Barbara Eden and Florence enter the arrival area and move toward a long table with a sign reading: AUSTRALIAN CUSTOMS.)
BARBARA: What’s taking Bob so long? I’d sure like to get to the hotel.
FLORENCE: It takes time to organize a spontaneous demonstration.
BARBARA: I think I saw him signing autographs. It’s ten dollars an autograph.
FLORENCE: He gets ten dollars an autograph?
BARBARA: Oh, no. He pays it.
(Hope enters dressed in an Australian safari outfit: bush jacket, shorts, long stockings and a hat with the brim turned up on one side as is the Australian
custom)
HOPE: Okay, mates, billy me bloke, let’s go pick up a cobber and a jackeroo and catch us a dinkem boomerang, huh!
FLORENCE: Bob, what are you saying?
HOPE: I don’t know, but five stewardesses thought it was hilarious.
This is a classic gag formula that appeared in many Hope sketches. We
called it the “I don’t know, but... ” setup. In a sketch at the Air Force
Academy, Hope enters and says “Cadet Hope reporting as ordered, sir! Flaps up, wheels down, zeroes at eleven o’clock, coming in on a wing and a prayer, bombs away, A-OK, roger, over and out!” Loni Anderson asks, “What does all that mean?” Hope says “I have no idea, but it sure made a star out of Jimmy
Stewart.”
BARBARA: Are you sure it wasn’t your legs?
HOPE: Owww, there’s so much jealousy in this business. (bangs on table) How about some service here!
BARBARA: Oh, look, he’s doing his David Niven impression.
HOPE: Now let me do the talking. I know how to handle these Australian accents. (calls out) What say in there, cobbers? How about some service!
(Charo enters dressed as a customs officer: short shorts, white blouse with the buttons unfastened. She looks gorgeous)
Charo had been discovered at age sixteen by band leader Xavier Cougat. Her drop-dead Spanish beauty coupled with an accent that tended to pummel the English language into submission, had insured many return visits to The Merv Griffin Show, where she became well-known to viewers — most of whom were stunned when learning for the first time that she played classical Spanish guitar like she’d been raised by Andre Segovia. Charo was a Hope favorite and would appear on our World Series special later this same year.
Continued Next Week
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A Longtime Bob Hope Joke Writer Presents Daily Insightful Topical Satire Of Current Events (Illustrated) Plus Rare Photos From Hollywood's Bygone Era And Excerpts From THE LAUGH MAKERS By Robert L. Mills -- Color Photos From the Book and Rare Classic Vintage Video Clips! Send Your Show Biz Questions to "ASK BOB" at: TheLaughMakers@GMail.com
;
THURSDAY, June 17, 2010
The 100-inmate strong Grand Orchestra and Chorale at a maximum security prison in Manila gave their first public performance of “A Salute to Broadway Musicals.” Prison officials beamed proudly until three convicted murders flew over the wall during the helicopter scene in “Miss Saigon.”
San Francisco recently passed an ordinance requiring all cell phones sold there to post the amount of radiation they emit. San Francisco has always been hard on cell-phone users. They only allow one ring tone within the city limits -- the Rice-A-Roni jingle.
An 87-year old former track and field athlete from San Antonio, Texas is in training to challenge the world record for his age group in the pole vault. Well, actually he uses his cane to hop over the velvet rope at upscale restaurants that offer an Early Bird menu.
Officials at New York’s Citibank fired a teller who, despite numerous warnings, insisted on wearing revealing, low-cut dresses to work. Actually, she should have been given a raise. Last week, the FBI finally nabbed a bank robber who kept asking her to reread his demand note.
Recently discovered in an attic, a photo believed to have been taken by an apprentice of Matthew Brady in 1860, shows two black children in tattered clothes who are identified as slaves. The photo was authenticated by an ID card on one that reads “Wal Mart-Second Shift.”
______________________________
Excerpted From THE LAUGH MAKERS
In 1978, we flew to Australia to tape a two-hour special Down Under. Our flight from Los Angeles to Perth would take twenty-three hours, and on board our Quantas 747 were guest stars Barbara Eden, Florence Henderson and Charo as well as twenty Hope staffers that included Les Brown’s musical arranger, Bob Alberti , makeup man Don Marando and Hope’s longtime cue card wizard, Barney McNulty.
Eighteen hours after lifting off at LAX, we touched down in Sydney for a two-hour refueling stop before completing the five-hour hop to Perth. The Aussies’ welcome was as warm as the water of the half-mile wide Swan River that flows through the pristine city’s center. “I Dream of Jeannie” and “The Brady Bunch” were still in their first runs on Australian TV, so from the moment they stepped off the plane, Barbara and Florence were stalked by screaming, autograph-seeking fans.
Armed with one of the longest monologues he’d ever deliver, and with 8,300 Aussie fans cheering wildly, Hope strode on stage dressed in a crisp, beige linen suit.
* I can’t tell you how happy I am to be here in Perth, the most
isolated city on earth. Now I know why you didn’t send a man
to the moon — you’re on it.
* Perth is strategically located — between nowhere and nothing.
* It’s such a long flight from Los Angeles, by the time we got here, I was starting to look like my passport picture.
* I love to fly, but I have a terrible fear of being hijacked to a
country where they never heard of me.
That line was strangely prophetic. A little over a year later, along with his wife, Dolores, Gig and me, Hope would carry his own luggage from a China Airlines 707 that had just touched down at the Peking Airport. Thanks to a welcoming committee that had been delayed, one of the most recognizable faces in the world would belong to just another visiting American.
* And Perth has to be the friendliest city in the world. Yesterday, I saw two lobsters propositioning a kangaroo.
Perched on the far western edge of Australia’s vast Outback, the city is a demarcation point between that dusty red desert and the Indian Ocean and supports enough indigenous wildlife to keep Crocodile Dundee in business indefinitely.
* And you have such clean air here. My lungs aren’t used to it. This morning, they got up two hours before I did.
* The water here is so clear, I hear the shark from Jaws has to swim all the way to New Guinea just to change his shorts. Is that right?
Great Whites call the Indian Ocean home, so any reference to Peter Benchley’s heart-stopping classic was sure to draw a tremendous reaction. And there’s no air or water pollution in Perth. Where have you gone wrong?
Considered one of the most desirable areas in Australia, the city of Perth looks like what one imagines — someone my age anyway — Los Angeles must have been like in the twenties.
* I can’t tell you how happy I am to be standing here on the stage of the biggest theater in the world, with eighty-three-hundred seats. The last twelve rows are in Indonesia.
Though maybe not as far away as Jakarta, the uppermost rows were a good 300 feet from the stage which meant that, for our sketches to be seen and understood by the entire audience, we’d have to use simple sets and readily identifiable props.
Continued Tomorrow
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San Francisco recently passed an ordinance requiring all cell phones sold there to post the amount of radiation they emit. San Francisco has always been hard on cell-phone users. They only allow one ring tone within the city limits -- the Rice-A-Roni jingle.
An 87-year old former track and field athlete from San Antonio, Texas is in training to challenge the world record for his age group in the pole vault. Well, actually he uses his cane to hop over the velvet rope at upscale restaurants that offer an Early Bird menu.
Officials at New York’s Citibank fired a teller who, despite numerous warnings, insisted on wearing revealing, low-cut dresses to work. Actually, she should have been given a raise. Last week, the FBI finally nabbed a bank robber who kept asking her to reread his demand note.
Recently discovered in an attic, a photo believed to have been taken by an apprentice of Matthew Brady in 1860, shows two black children in tattered clothes who are identified as slaves. The photo was authenticated by an ID card on one that reads “Wal Mart-Second Shift.”
______________________________
Excerpted From THE LAUGH MAKERS
In 1978, we flew to Australia to tape a two-hour special Down Under. Our flight from Los Angeles to Perth would take twenty-three hours, and on board our Quantas 747 were guest stars Barbara Eden, Florence Henderson and Charo as well as twenty Hope staffers that included Les Brown’s musical arranger, Bob Alberti , makeup man Don Marando and Hope’s longtime cue card wizard, Barney McNulty.
Eighteen hours after lifting off at LAX, we touched down in Sydney for a two-hour refueling stop before completing the five-hour hop to Perth. The Aussies’ welcome was as warm as the water of the half-mile wide Swan River that flows through the pristine city’s center. “I Dream of Jeannie” and “The Brady Bunch” were still in their first runs on Australian TV, so from the moment they stepped off the plane, Barbara and Florence were stalked by screaming, autograph-seeking fans.
Armed with one of the longest monologues he’d ever deliver, and with 8,300 Aussie fans cheering wildly, Hope strode on stage dressed in a crisp, beige linen suit.
* I can’t tell you how happy I am to be here in Perth, the most
isolated city on earth. Now I know why you didn’t send a man
to the moon — you’re on it.
* Perth is strategically located — between nowhere and nothing.
* It’s such a long flight from Los Angeles, by the time we got here, I was starting to look like my passport picture.
* I love to fly, but I have a terrible fear of being hijacked to a
country where they never heard of me.
That line was strangely prophetic. A little over a year later, along with his wife, Dolores, Gig and me, Hope would carry his own luggage from a China Airlines 707 that had just touched down at the Peking Airport. Thanks to a welcoming committee that had been delayed, one of the most recognizable faces in the world would belong to just another visiting American.
* And Perth has to be the friendliest city in the world. Yesterday, I saw two lobsters propositioning a kangaroo.
Perched on the far western edge of Australia’s vast Outback, the city is a demarcation point between that dusty red desert and the Indian Ocean and supports enough indigenous wildlife to keep Crocodile Dundee in business indefinitely.
* And you have such clean air here. My lungs aren’t used to it. This morning, they got up two hours before I did.
* The water here is so clear, I hear the shark from Jaws has to swim all the way to New Guinea just to change his shorts. Is that right?
Great Whites call the Indian Ocean home, so any reference to Peter Benchley’s heart-stopping classic was sure to draw a tremendous reaction. And there’s no air or water pollution in Perth. Where have you gone wrong?
Considered one of the most desirable areas in Australia, the city of Perth looks like what one imagines — someone my age anyway — Los Angeles must have been like in the twenties.
* I can’t tell you how happy I am to be standing here on the stage of the biggest theater in the world, with eighty-three-hundred seats. The last twelve rows are in Indonesia.
Though maybe not as far away as Jakarta, the uppermost rows were a good 300 feet from the stage which meant that, for our sketches to be seen and understood by the entire audience, we’d have to use simple sets and readily identifiable props.
Continued Tomorrow
Order THE LAUGH MAKERS on line:
http://www.amazon.com/LAUGH-MAKERS-Behind-Scenes-Incredible/product-reviews/1593933231/ref=cm_cr_pr_link_2?ie=UTF8&showViewpoints=0&pageNumber=2
Also available in an unabridged audio version read by the author:
http://www.audible.com/adbl/site/products/ProductDetail.jsp?BV_SessionID=@@@@0545479184.1272211432@@@@&BV_EngineID=cccjadekfdmleefcefecekjdffidfmf.0&productID=BK_BEAR_000001
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WEDNESDAY, June 15, 2010
The new movie version of the 1970s hit “The A-Team” is a graphic reminder of how much has changed in 35 years. The formerly life-threatening stunts are now computer-generated -- most scenes are electronically simulated -- and the gold jewelry Mr. T wore back then was only worth $35 an ounce.
Recently uncovered geological records left by the Russians indicate that the mountains of Afghanistan contain a treasure trove of precious metals, including copper, zinc, platinum, silver and gold. Well, if we don’t capture bin Laden at least we’ll qualify for some nice parting gifts.
Beginning in July, anyone convicted of a DUI will have to install an alcohol sensing device which disables the vehicle’s starter if the driver has been drinking. Mercedes has already introduced their new “Lindsay AL .10” sedan with a handy breath-tester built right into the steering column.
In an attempt to avert criticism of their wildly varying oil leak-flow estimates, BP announced that they’ve deployed “undersea sensors“ for more accurate monitoring -- instruments they claim were developed by their engineers after studying Pamela Anderson on “Baywatch.”
Archaeologists excavating in Armenia uncovered a shoe made of stitched leather skins and stuffed with straw that they estimate is 5,000 years old. The experts are at a loss, however, to explain the hieroglyphics on the heel that, roughly translated, read “Sperry Topsiders.”
______________________________
Excerpted From THE LAUGH MAKERS
Sliced Tongue
Howard Cosell was a former lawyer who, as a dutiful dad, had volunteered to describe his son’s Pop Warner League game for a local radio station and saw his law career quickly replaced by a new and more lucrative one — in broadcasting.
Coming to the game late myself from the courtroom, on our first special together, I was anxious and excited to meet him. I went up, introduced myself and said, “Howard, you and I have something in common.” He said, “What’s that?” I said, “We both started out as lawyers.” He just stared at me for a moment and said, “So?” That was my crash course in Howard Cosell.
Howard had been characterized by sports writers for so long as a certified curmudgeon, I think he gradually began believing it himself and felt compelled to deliver the crusty, cantankerous version of himself that he was convinced the public had come to expect. He was rehearsing a routine in Hope’s dressing room and came to a line he thought could be improved upon. I happened to be standing nearby so Hope said, pointing to the joke, “See if you guys can come up with something better for Howard.” I noted the line and went back to the writers room where about five of us “threw lines” — made suggestions for the others to rule on — until we had ten replacements that we all agreed filled the bill.
I hurried back to Hope’s dressing room with the list. Hope was checking his makeup and motioned for me to hand the list to Cosell. He took it and, slowly looking it up-and-down, said, “Is this the best you could do?” I could see Hope wince. He obviously resented Howard’s assessment of his writing staff, one of whom, Charlie Isaacs, dated back to Hope’s radio days. He snatched the list from Howard, quickly chose a new line and told me to get it to Barney McNulty to put on cue cards.
Despite his being difficult, Howard always added an air of authenticity to our sports specials, so he was invited back many times. Our NFL special featured this quintessential Cosell segment and showcased the popular commentator at his best:
HOPE: Do you just start talking, or do I have to light a fuse?
COSELL: Robert, your facility for the jocular riposte, and your mastery of droll repartee doesn’t extract a measure of risability from me.
HOPE: Howard, either thank you...or you’ll hear from my lawyer in the morning — Howard, you’re such a personality, I wouldn’t even know how to describe you.
COSELL: That’s easy, Bob. Basically, I’m a journalistic interpreter, concentrating on the domain of athletic endeavor, a commentator who prides himself as much on his dispassionate veracity as on his eloquent and insightful reportorial aptitude.
HOPE: Would you make a needlepoint of that for me? I’ll hang it in my office. You’ve been on “Monday Night Football” for some time now. Have you ever thought of retiring?
COSELL: Not ’til the children are raised.
HOPE: The children?
COSELL: The Giffer and Danderoo [nicknames for his fellow sportscasters Frank Gifford and “Dandy” Don Meredith].
HOPE: Howard, thanks for being with us.
COSELL: Robert, the gratification is distinctly and singularly mine. And should any specific circumstance necessitate a future reappearance on my part, simply voice your supplication, and it shall be made manifest.
HOPE: Thank you. Now I’m going backstage to run that through my decoder ring.
Howard Cosell died in 1995 at the age of 77.
Tomorrow: Bob Hope Down Under
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Also available in an unabridged audio version read by the author:
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Recently uncovered geological records left by the Russians indicate that the mountains of Afghanistan contain a treasure trove of precious metals, including copper, zinc, platinum, silver and gold. Well, if we don’t capture bin Laden at least we’ll qualify for some nice parting gifts.
Beginning in July, anyone convicted of a DUI will have to install an alcohol sensing device which disables the vehicle’s starter if the driver has been drinking. Mercedes has already introduced their new “Lindsay AL .10” sedan with a handy breath-tester built right into the steering column.
In an attempt to avert criticism of their wildly varying oil leak-flow estimates, BP announced that they’ve deployed “undersea sensors“ for more accurate monitoring -- instruments they claim were developed by their engineers after studying Pamela Anderson on “Baywatch.”
Archaeologists excavating in Armenia uncovered a shoe made of stitched leather skins and stuffed with straw that they estimate is 5,000 years old. The experts are at a loss, however, to explain the hieroglyphics on the heel that, roughly translated, read “Sperry Topsiders.”
______________________________
Excerpted From THE LAUGH MAKERS
Sliced Tongue
Howard Cosell was a former lawyer who, as a dutiful dad, had volunteered to describe his son’s Pop Warner League game for a local radio station and saw his law career quickly replaced by a new and more lucrative one — in broadcasting.
Coming to the game late myself from the courtroom, on our first special together, I was anxious and excited to meet him. I went up, introduced myself and said, “Howard, you and I have something in common.” He said, “What’s that?” I said, “We both started out as lawyers.” He just stared at me for a moment and said, “So?” That was my crash course in Howard Cosell.
Howard had been characterized by sports writers for so long as a certified curmudgeon, I think he gradually began believing it himself and felt compelled to deliver the crusty, cantankerous version of himself that he was convinced the public had come to expect. He was rehearsing a routine in Hope’s dressing room and came to a line he thought could be improved upon. I happened to be standing nearby so Hope said, pointing to the joke, “See if you guys can come up with something better for Howard.” I noted the line and went back to the writers room where about five of us “threw lines” — made suggestions for the others to rule on — until we had ten replacements that we all agreed filled the bill.
I hurried back to Hope’s dressing room with the list. Hope was checking his makeup and motioned for me to hand the list to Cosell. He took it and, slowly looking it up-and-down, said, “Is this the best you could do?” I could see Hope wince. He obviously resented Howard’s assessment of his writing staff, one of whom, Charlie Isaacs, dated back to Hope’s radio days. He snatched the list from Howard, quickly chose a new line and told me to get it to Barney McNulty to put on cue cards.
Despite his being difficult, Howard always added an air of authenticity to our sports specials, so he was invited back many times. Our NFL special featured this quintessential Cosell segment and showcased the popular commentator at his best:
HOPE: Do you just start talking, or do I have to light a fuse?
COSELL: Robert, your facility for the jocular riposte, and your mastery of droll repartee doesn’t extract a measure of risability from me.
HOPE: Howard, either thank you...or you’ll hear from my lawyer in the morning — Howard, you’re such a personality, I wouldn’t even know how to describe you.
COSELL: That’s easy, Bob. Basically, I’m a journalistic interpreter, concentrating on the domain of athletic endeavor, a commentator who prides himself as much on his dispassionate veracity as on his eloquent and insightful reportorial aptitude.
HOPE: Would you make a needlepoint of that for me? I’ll hang it in my office. You’ve been on “Monday Night Football” for some time now. Have you ever thought of retiring?
COSELL: Not ’til the children are raised.
HOPE: The children?
COSELL: The Giffer and Danderoo [nicknames for his fellow sportscasters Frank Gifford and “Dandy” Don Meredith].
HOPE: Howard, thanks for being with us.
COSELL: Robert, the gratification is distinctly and singularly mine. And should any specific circumstance necessitate a future reappearance on my part, simply voice your supplication, and it shall be made manifest.
HOPE: Thank you. Now I’m going backstage to run that through my decoder ring.
Howard Cosell died in 1995 at the age of 77.
Tomorrow: Bob Hope Down Under
Order THE LAUGH MAKERS on line:
http://www.amazon.com/LAUGH-MAKERS-Behind-Scenes-Incredible/product-reviews/1593933231/ref=cm_cr_pr_link_2?ie=UTF8&showViewpoints=0&pageNumber=2
Also available in an unabridged audio version read by the author:
http://www.audible.com/adbl/site/products/ProductDetail.jsp?BV_SessionID=@@@@0545479184.1272211432@@@@&BV_EngineID=cccjadekfdmleefcefecekjdffidfmf.0&productID=BK_BEAR_000001
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TUESDAY, June 15, 2010
On Sunday night, “Memphis,” the rhythm and blues musical set in the 1950’s south, won “Best Musical” at the annual Tony Awards, edging out “A Little Night Music.” The evening’s biggest loser, collecting no votes, was the revival of “BP -- How to Succeed in the Oil Business Without Really Trying.”
Metropolis, Illinois, recognized as the “official home of Superman,” has unveiled a statue of Lois Lane, the Man of Steel’s girlfriend. Thanks to the latest technology, visitors may rent special glasses that enable them to see Lois as Superman did -- with x-ray vision.
French President Nicolas Sarcozy, himself a diminutive 5’ ft. 4,“ has instructed his security detail to hire no bodyguards taller than that. So far, they’ve employed three sumo wrestlers, Mickey Rooney and Emmanuel Lewis.
Country music legend, Jimmy Dean who used royalties from his hit song “Big Bad John, to found a successful sausage company, passed on in Richmond, VA at age 81. His memorial service included touching eulogies by former competitors Oscar Meyer and Farmer John.
Japanese scientists have developed electronic software capable of projecting holograms of soccer games onto a screen in the opponent’s stadium. It’s so realistic, the holograms even include beer-swilling, tattooed hooligans killing one another in the stands.
______________________________
Excerpted From THE LAUGH MAKERS
In keeping with our tradition of dramatic entrances, at West Point, which we visited in the spring of 1981, we dressed Hope in the black cape and orange vest of the Academy's legendary "Airborne Man" and dropped him - with a little help from a stunt double - from a hovering Huey helicopter into a stadium packed to the bleachers with cheering plebes and their families.
“Thank you, cadets. You can relax. I have a directive from the Superintendent authorizing you to laugh until further notice.
Some of you are here because you're my fans, some are here because of our terrific guests and all of you are here because you couldn't get a three-day pass.”
He wasn't kidding. Unlike our civilian audiences, the military specials came with prepackaged, guaranteed attendance that was mandatory.
“I've never seen so much gold braid. This looks like a direct hit on Sammy Davis's jewelry case.
And what discipline. Yesterday, I saw a porcupine chewing out a raccoon for having his hands in his pouch.
One cadet commander yelled, "Suck in that stomach!" and three pine trees inhaled.
These military regulations are strictly enforced. As soon as taps sounded last night, all the lights went out, and the Hudson River stopped flowing.”
Hope was partial to jokes that involved animals, so we anthropomorphized whenever possible. Remember his kangaroo caddie in Australia? We wanted to give the plebes the opportunity to meet a real movie general, so we invited George C. Scott who had recently captured an Oscar nomination for his spellbinding performance as General George Patton, the Paderewski of the pearl-handled pistols. In real life, George was a certified pussycat, about as warlike as a battalion of Quakers. Despite his well-known objections to the war in Vietnam, he had become so identified with the gruff, private-slapping Patton, when he walked across the quadrangle, the cadets would salute him - in civilian clothes yet.
The Army had recently admitted its first female cadet; we had guest stars Brooke Shields and Marie Osmond in uniform faster than Shannon Faulkner would reject the Citadel's fourteen years later. The new arrivals discover that they've somehow been assigned quarters with a male.
(Hope enters in uniform and carrying a duffle bag.)
HOPE: Howdy, fellas.
MARIE: Fellas? Can't you see that we're girls?
HOPE: Yeah, but I wasn't gonna mention it if you didn't. My
name's Luke Festus, and it looks like we're roommates.
BROOKE: Are you sure you have the right room? There must be some mistake.
HOPE: I doubt it. The Army never makes mistakes.
Hope's line, of course, drew a deafening cheer. They may be future officers, but first-year plebes occupy rungs on the military ladder barely above meter maids and relish the opportunity to poke fun at their brass-laden faculty.
BROOKE: I'm sorry, Luke, but this would never work. We could walk in on one another while showering.
HOPE: I guess that's just the chance I'll have to take.
MARIE: Be reasonable. You wouldn't want to have stockings
hanging all over the place to dry, would you?
HOPE: Hey, no problem. If it bothers you, I'll hang my stockings someplace else.
The fresh recruits settle in. Hope wants to change into his "jammies," but is embarrassed to disrobe in front of the girls. They offer to hold up a blanket, shielding him. With Brooke and Marie at either end of the extended blanket, he drapes articles of clothing on it. First a girdle, then a garter belt, then a pair of Madras Jockey shorts.
BROOKE: Should we look?
MARIE: Nah. It's too close to lunch.
This line gets the biggest laugh in the show, and Hope could be heard mumbling to Marie, "How did you get that line?" He didn't mind guests getting laughs but preferred being visible when they did. As it turns out, Luke works on a nearby farm and has been trying to sneak into the Point for years. The cadet commander (Glen Campbell) hustles the intruder off, but not before making sure the two newcomers know where his quarters are. Coed dorms had provided us fertile diggings for years, and this sketch was no exception.
Tomorrow: Hope Jousts with Howard Cosell
Order THE LAUGH MAKERS on line:
http://www.amazon.com/LAUGH-MAKERS-Behind-Scenes-Incredible/product-reviews/1593933231/ref=cm_cr_pr_link_2?ie=UTF8&showViewpoints=0&pageNumber=2
Also available in an unabridged audio version read by the author:
http://www.audible.com/adbl/site/products/ProductDetail.jsp?BV_SessionID=@@@@0545479184.1272211432@@@@&BV_EngineID=cccjadekfdmleefcefecekjdffidfmf.0&productID=BK_BEAR_000001
UK orders:
http://www.audible.co.uk/aduk/site/product.jsp?p=BK_BEAR_000001UK&BV_SessionID=@@@@1904657385.1272326590@@@@&BV_EngineID=cccgadekffeehdjcefecekjdfikdffg.0
Metropolis, Illinois, recognized as the “official home of Superman,” has unveiled a statue of Lois Lane, the Man of Steel’s girlfriend. Thanks to the latest technology, visitors may rent special glasses that enable them to see Lois as Superman did -- with x-ray vision.
French President Nicolas Sarcozy, himself a diminutive 5’ ft. 4,“ has instructed his security detail to hire no bodyguards taller than that. So far, they’ve employed three sumo wrestlers, Mickey Rooney and Emmanuel Lewis.
Country music legend, Jimmy Dean who used royalties from his hit song “Big Bad John, to found a successful sausage company, passed on in Richmond, VA at age 81. His memorial service included touching eulogies by former competitors Oscar Meyer and Farmer John.
Japanese scientists have developed electronic software capable of projecting holograms of soccer games onto a screen in the opponent’s stadium. It’s so realistic, the holograms even include beer-swilling, tattooed hooligans killing one another in the stands.
______________________________
Excerpted From THE LAUGH MAKERS
In keeping with our tradition of dramatic entrances, at West Point, which we visited in the spring of 1981, we dressed Hope in the black cape and orange vest of the Academy's legendary "Airborne Man" and dropped him - with a little help from a stunt double - from a hovering Huey helicopter into a stadium packed to the bleachers with cheering plebes and their families.
“Thank you, cadets. You can relax. I have a directive from the Superintendent authorizing you to laugh until further notice.
Some of you are here because you're my fans, some are here because of our terrific guests and all of you are here because you couldn't get a three-day pass.”
He wasn't kidding. Unlike our civilian audiences, the military specials came with prepackaged, guaranteed attendance that was mandatory.
“I've never seen so much gold braid. This looks like a direct hit on Sammy Davis's jewelry case.
And what discipline. Yesterday, I saw a porcupine chewing out a raccoon for having his hands in his pouch.
One cadet commander yelled, "Suck in that stomach!" and three pine trees inhaled.
These military regulations are strictly enforced. As soon as taps sounded last night, all the lights went out, and the Hudson River stopped flowing.”
Hope was partial to jokes that involved animals, so we anthropomorphized whenever possible. Remember his kangaroo caddie in Australia? We wanted to give the plebes the opportunity to meet a real movie general, so we invited George C. Scott who had recently captured an Oscar nomination for his spellbinding performance as General George Patton, the Paderewski of the pearl-handled pistols. In real life, George was a certified pussycat, about as warlike as a battalion of Quakers. Despite his well-known objections to the war in Vietnam, he had become so identified with the gruff, private-slapping Patton, when he walked across the quadrangle, the cadets would salute him - in civilian clothes yet.
The Army had recently admitted its first female cadet; we had guest stars Brooke Shields and Marie Osmond in uniform faster than Shannon Faulkner would reject the Citadel's fourteen years later. The new arrivals discover that they've somehow been assigned quarters with a male.
(Hope enters in uniform and carrying a duffle bag.)
HOPE: Howdy, fellas.
MARIE: Fellas? Can't you see that we're girls?
HOPE: Yeah, but I wasn't gonna mention it if you didn't. My
name's Luke Festus, and it looks like we're roommates.
BROOKE: Are you sure you have the right room? There must be some mistake.
HOPE: I doubt it. The Army never makes mistakes.
BROOKE: I'm sorry, Luke, but this would never work. We could walk in on one another while showering.
HOPE: I guess that's just the chance I'll have to take.
MARIE: Be reasonable. You wouldn't want to have stockings
hanging all over the place to dry, would you?
HOPE: Hey, no problem. If it bothers you, I'll hang my stockings someplace else.
The fresh recruits settle in. Hope wants to change into his "jammies," but is embarrassed to disrobe in front of the girls. They offer to hold up a blanket, shielding him. With Brooke and Marie at either end of the extended blanket, he drapes articles of clothing on it. First a girdle, then a garter belt, then a pair of Madras Jockey shorts.
BROOKE: Should we look?
MARIE: Nah. It's too close to lunch.
This line gets the biggest laugh in the show, and Hope could be heard mumbling to Marie, "How did you get that line?" He didn't mind guests getting laughs but preferred being visible when they did. As it turns out, Luke works on a nearby farm and has been trying to sneak into the Point for years. The cadet commander (Glen Campbell) hustles the intruder off, but not before making sure the two newcomers know where his quarters are. Coed dorms had provided us fertile diggings for years, and this sketch was no exception.
Tomorrow: Hope Jousts with Howard Cosell
Order THE LAUGH MAKERS on line:
http://www.amazon.com/LAUGH-MAKERS-Behind-Scenes-Incredible/product-reviews/1593933231/ref=cm_cr_pr_link_2?ie=UTF8&showViewpoints=0&pageNumber=2
Also available in an unabridged audio version read by the author:
http://www.audible.com/adbl/site/products/ProductDetail.jsp?BV_SessionID=@@@@0545479184.1272211432@@@@&BV_EngineID=cccjadekfdmleefcefecekjdffidfmf.0&productID=BK_BEAR_000001
UK orders:
http://www.audible.co.uk/aduk/site/product.jsp?p=BK_BEAR_000001UK&BV_SessionID=@@@@1904657385.1272326590@@@@&BV_EngineID=cccgadekffeehdjcefecekjdfikdffg.0
MONDAY, June 14, 2010
A new musical based on the life of Pope Benedict XVI has opened in Rome. Based on “Little Orphan Annie,” it’s called “Little Altar Boy Andy” who is harassed by the orphanage’s Mother Superior, Sister Hannigan, but is rescued by his court-appointed guardian, Cardinal Warbucks.
Kevin Costner told a Congressional Committee investigating methods of stopping the Gulf oil spill that he’s invented an oil-water separator that would work perfectly. Question is, can we trust someone who couldn’t figure out a way to avoid drinking his own urine in “Water World?”
General Motors will debut a new model of its electric car, the Chevy Volt, that will operate much longer between charges. Not to be left in the dust, competitor Ford has unveiled its electric-powered sedan that will teach you to dance and pilot a 747 -- the Ford Travolta.
Welch-born actress Catherine Zeta-Jones, aka Mrs. Michael Douglas, has been honored by Britain’s Queen Elizabeth with a CBE. The royal title comes with a complimentary tiara, a scepter and complete access to Prince Andrew without paying Sarah Ferguson.
The US Ambassador to Great Britain says that President Obama's referring to BP as “British Petroleum,” a name the company hasn’t used since 1998, was inadvertent and doesn’t mean the president is down on the British. No more so than calling Sarah Palin a nitwit would mean he’s down on Alaskans.
______________________________
Excerpted From THE LAUGH MAKERS
HOPE/BURNS: The act was a dilly in Cleveland and Philly... We rocked ‘em in Brockton and Troy...What a joy, they went batty in old Cincinnati... They screamed in Moline, Illinois...
BURNS: We had ’em in Chatham...
HOPE: We killed ’em in Wilton. They raved in New Haavden...
BURNS: (speaks) Hold it! Where the hell is New Haav-den?
HOPE: Somewhere near Conned-id-did-icutt.
HOPE/BURNS: (sing) That’s the way it was in vaude...Listen every son and daughter... Aren’t you glad that you have bought a... ticket to a good old vaudeville!
Sol Weinstein was the most talented song writer I ever worked with. A former jazz disc jockey, he wrote several songs recorded by major artists including “The Curtain Falls,” heard for the first time on the Bobby Darin Show when Sol and Howard were on his staff in the sixties. Bobby used it to close his act, and it’s sung by Kevin Spacey, as Darin, in his 2004 biofilm, Beyond the Sea. Hope sang it at the conclusion of "A Tribute to the Palace Theater," and its lyrics conclude this book.
The comic duet took about an hour-and-a-half to tape. Both men had just returned from long road trips. But since we had the audience already in place for another number, they decided to go out and wing the duet without rehearsing it first. Several problems were immediately apparent. Since it’s an original song and not a familiar standard, it was more difficult to sing. And the words are alliterative — some difficult to pronounce. Also, the routine involved choreography. Singing unfamiliar lyrics while dancing proved to be a killer. And, most important, these guys had been around awhile — they claimed they met while appearing in the lounge on Noah’s Ark. At the time, Burns was 83 and Hope was 76.
They had begun the number about three times when Keller told the director to keep the tape running even during the flubs. The audience, of course, loved being witnesses to the train wreck. Hope and Burns adlibbed throughout, ribbing each other while referring to mutual friends they had known in vaudeville. When Burns drifted off camera, Hope stopped the track and said, “We’ve got to put a string on him. All at once, I was doing a single.” After about ten unsuccessful attempts on the line “The act was a dilly in Cleveland and Philly,” George looked at the audience and said, “The act was a dilly? The act was pathetic.” The audience roared. I replay the outtake reel for friends who often ask, “Why didn’t you make an entire special out of this?” With both legends now gone, the tape is priceless.
George Burns, appeared in many specials during the seventies and eighties. He and Hope even did a personal appearance tour together with Hope, in drag, performing the role of Gracie. Asked once if he would ever retire, George replied, “I’ve been retired since my first day in show business.” He had dropped out of the third grade to form the Pee-Wee Quartet that sang and danced for coins on the street corners of New York. Like Hope, George had a strong work ethic and remained a star his entire life, rehearsing his act daily (though it hadn’t changed in decades) with his longtime pianist Morty Jacobs. George Burns died in 1996 at age 100.
Tomorrow: Hope visits West Point
Order THE LAUGH MAKERS on line:
http://www.amazon.com/LAUGH-MAKERS-Behind-Scenes-Incredible/product-reviews/1593933231/ref=cm_cr_pr_link_2?ie=UTF8&showViewpoints=0&pageNumber=2
Also available in an unabridged audio version read by the author:
http://www.audible.com/adbl/site/products/ProductDetail.jsp?BV_SessionID=@@@@0545479184.1272211432@@@@&BV_EngineID=cccjadekfdmleefcefecekjdffidfmf.0&productID=BK_BEAR_000001
UK orders:
http://www.audible.co.uk/aduk/site/product.jsp?p=BK_BEAR_000001UK&BV_SessionID=@@@@1904657385.1272326590@@@@&BV_EngineID=cccgadekffeehdjcefecekjdfikdffg.0
Kevin Costner told a Congressional Committee investigating methods of stopping the Gulf oil spill that he’s invented an oil-water separator that would work perfectly. Question is, can we trust someone who couldn’t figure out a way to avoid drinking his own urine in “Water World?”
General Motors will debut a new model of its electric car, the Chevy Volt, that will operate much longer between charges. Not to be left in the dust, competitor Ford has unveiled its electric-powered sedan that will teach you to dance and pilot a 747 -- the Ford Travolta.
Welch-born actress Catherine Zeta-Jones, aka Mrs. Michael Douglas, has been honored by Britain’s Queen Elizabeth with a CBE. The royal title comes with a complimentary tiara, a scepter and complete access to Prince Andrew without paying Sarah Ferguson.
The US Ambassador to Great Britain says that President Obama's referring to BP as “British Petroleum,” a name the company hasn’t used since 1998, was inadvertent and doesn’t mean the president is down on the British. No more so than calling Sarah Palin a nitwit would mean he’s down on Alaskans.
______________________________
Excerpted From THE LAUGH MAKERS
HOPE/BURNS: The act was a dilly in Cleveland and Philly... We rocked ‘em in Brockton and Troy...What a joy, they went batty in old Cincinnati... They screamed in Moline, Illinois...
BURNS: We had ’em in Chatham...
HOPE: We killed ’em in Wilton. They raved in New Haavden...
BURNS: (speaks) Hold it! Where the hell is New Haav-den?
HOPE: Somewhere near Conned-id-did-icutt.
HOPE/BURNS: (sing) That’s the way it was in vaude...Listen every son and daughter... Aren’t you glad that you have bought a... ticket to a good old vaudeville!
Sol Weinstein was the most talented song writer I ever worked with. A former jazz disc jockey, he wrote several songs recorded by major artists including “The Curtain Falls,” heard for the first time on the Bobby Darin Show when Sol and Howard were on his staff in the sixties. Bobby used it to close his act, and it’s sung by Kevin Spacey, as Darin, in his 2004 biofilm, Beyond the Sea. Hope sang it at the conclusion of "A Tribute to the Palace Theater," and its lyrics conclude this book.
The comic duet took about an hour-and-a-half to tape. Both men had just returned from long road trips. But since we had the audience already in place for another number, they decided to go out and wing the duet without rehearsing it first. Several problems were immediately apparent. Since it’s an original song and not a familiar standard, it was more difficult to sing. And the words are alliterative — some difficult to pronounce. Also, the routine involved choreography. Singing unfamiliar lyrics while dancing proved to be a killer. And, most important, these guys had been around awhile — they claimed they met while appearing in the lounge on Noah’s Ark. At the time, Burns was 83 and Hope was 76.
They had begun the number about three times when Keller told the director to keep the tape running even during the flubs. The audience, of course, loved being witnesses to the train wreck. Hope and Burns adlibbed throughout, ribbing each other while referring to mutual friends they had known in vaudeville. When Burns drifted off camera, Hope stopped the track and said, “We’ve got to put a string on him. All at once, I was doing a single.” After about ten unsuccessful attempts on the line “The act was a dilly in Cleveland and Philly,” George looked at the audience and said, “The act was a dilly? The act was pathetic.” The audience roared. I replay the outtake reel for friends who often ask, “Why didn’t you make an entire special out of this?” With both legends now gone, the tape is priceless.
George Burns, appeared in many specials during the seventies and eighties. He and Hope even did a personal appearance tour together with Hope, in drag, performing the role of Gracie. Asked once if he would ever retire, George replied, “I’ve been retired since my first day in show business.” He had dropped out of the third grade to form the Pee-Wee Quartet that sang and danced for coins on the street corners of New York. Like Hope, George had a strong work ethic and remained a star his entire life, rehearsing his act daily (though it hadn’t changed in decades) with his longtime pianist Morty Jacobs. George Burns died in 1996 at age 100.
Tomorrow: Hope visits West Point
Order THE LAUGH MAKERS on line:
http://www.amazon.com/LAUGH-MAKERS-Behind-Scenes-Incredible/product-reviews/1593933231/ref=cm_cr_pr_link_2?ie=UTF8&showViewpoints=0&pageNumber=2
Also available in an unabridged audio version read by the author:
http://www.audible.com/adbl/site/products/ProductDetail.jsp?BV_SessionID=@@@@0545479184.1272211432@@@@&BV_EngineID=cccjadekfdmleefcefecekjdffidfmf.0&productID=BK_BEAR_000001
UK orders:
http://www.audible.co.uk/aduk/site/product.jsp?p=BK_BEAR_000001UK&BV_SessionID=@@@@1904657385.1272326590@@@@&BV_EngineID=cccgadekffeehdjcefecekjdfikdffg.0
FRI, SAT, SUN, June 11, 12, 13
LAFFS From The PAST From our issue dated June 12, 2000
Regis Philbin has introduced his new line of menswear called Regis by Van Heusen. The shirts are available in three patterns -- plain, striped and cashier's checks.
A study released by the Harvard School of Public Health shows that campus alcohol abuse rose a whopping 24.3% last year with the University of Wisconsin copping top honors. Officials became suspicious when several highly ranked universities began granting R.S.V.P. degrees.
Scientists from the Woods Hole Oceanographic Institution have discovered a large deposit of gas trapped beneath the mid-Atlantic sea floor. A tanker leased from Exxon is steaming to the area loaded with 460,000 gallons of Mylanta.
Ellery Chun who invented the Hawaiian shirt in 1931 passed away in Honolulu at the age of 91. Following a brief memorial service, he was buried in a special section of the cemetery beside the inventors of the leisure suit, earth
shoes and the Mao jacket.
Johnny Carson has donated $100,000 to help build a new senior citizen's center in his hometown of Norfolk, VA. Not to be overshadowed by his former boss, Ed MacMahon gave $100 to the Alpo Home for Aging Canines in Barstow.
According to an annual survey of international travelers, the top five airports in the world are Copenhagen, Changi, Singapore, Helsinki, Vancouver and Manchester, England. Dead last: Belfast's Crossfire International.
Until next time, I leave you with the immortal words of Babe Ruth who was overheard telling a girl in a singles bar, "Right now I'm the Sultan of Swat but I'd really like to direct."
_______________________________
Excerpted From THE LAUGH MAKERS
Glee for Two
Another vaudeville-born device we used often was the “comedy duet,” where, at several points throughout the number, the performers stopped singing to deliver jokes, usually in the familiar straightline-punchline format. In a 1978 special entitled “A Tribute to the Palace Theater,” our studio had been transformed into a replica of New York’s Palace Theater, the Holy Grail of all vaudevillians.
The special was produced by Sheldon Keller, a devoted vaude-afficionado (my word, but descriptive) and the lines throughout the show reflected his distinctive style. His writing partners, Howard Albrecht and Sol Weinstein (a team I had worked with on the “Dean Martin Roasts“), also shared writing credit. The music of this duet performed by Hope and George Burns was written by Sol Weinstein. It’s entitled “That’s the Way It Was in Vaudeville,” and I consider it a truly remarkable reflection of the spirit of the era it honors.
The set was a small-town railroad depot, circa 1928. The boys wore brown tweed suits and bowler hats. Each had a cane he would use throughout the number. As the gold-tasseled red velvet curtain rose, they were revealed along with two large steamer-trunks, Hope standing and George sitting. When the music begins, they don their bowlers and move forward to center-stage.
(Music: up)
HOPE/BURNS: (sing) Hat, cane, trunk, train... that’s the way it was in vaudeville... (Softshoe) Song cue, softshoe, that’s the way it was in vaudeville... They loved us in the cities, they loved us in the sticks, we didn’t mind the vegetables, but when they threw the bricks...Laughs, frowns, tank towns, that’s the way it was in vaudeville...
BURNS: Mamaroneck, Saranac, Scranton and Canton...
HOPE: Austin and Boston, Racine, yes I mean...
HOPE/BURNS: That’s the way it was in vaudeville...
BURNS: Ashville and Nashville, Nogales and Dallas,
HOPE: Detroit and Beloit, Kankakee, don’t you see?
HOPE/BURNS: That’s the way it was in vaudeville.
(Music:out)
HOPE: (Speaks) Vaudeville... what an era.
BURNS: But it wasn’t all fun and games. Bob.
HOPE: I know what you mean. Remember some of those small town we had to play?
BURNS: You remember Zyszx, Nevada?
HOPE: Do I remember Zyszx? Just saying it used to clear up my sinuses.
BURNS: That town was so small, the trains only stopped there once a week... just to laugh.
HOPE: It was so tiny, the electric company was four batteries and a jar of fireflies.
BURNS: But what made vaudeville worthwhile was some of the unusual acts we worked with. Like “The Great Maurice“... half-man and half-woman. It was fine until one night he was arrested for making a pass at himself.
HOPE: I remember the case. At the last minute, he dropped the charges. But the most unique act of them all was “Knock-Knees Needleman,” the original one-man-band.
BURNS: Yeah, nobody could follow him.
HOPE: He had a pair of cymbals strapped to his knees, a harmonica in his mouth, base drums on both hips, mallets on his elbows, and if that wasn’t enough, he tapped danced on a Wurlitzer to the tune of Tchaikovsky’s “Nutcracker Suite.”
BURNS: That kid had to belong to about six unions.
HOPE: (ad-lib) That’s the longest straight-line I’ve ever had. But in his prime, the poor guy was struck by a bolt of lightning and died in the key of F.
BURNS: I remember his last request was to be buried dressed in his instruments. And while they were lowering him, a windstorm came up and he played at his own funeral.
HOPE: Where else but in a free America?
Continued next Week
Order THE LAUGH MAKERS on line:
http://www.amazon.com/LAUGH-MAKERS-Behind-Scenes-Incredible/product-reviews/1593933231/ref=cm_cr_pr_link_2?ie=UTF8&showViewpoints=0&pageNumber=2
Also available in an unabridged audio version read by the author:
http://www.audible.com/adbl/site/products/ProductDetail.jsp?BV_SessionID=@@@@0545479184.1272211432@@@@&BV_EngineID=cccjadekfdmleefcefecekjdffidfmf.0&productID=BK_BEAR_000001
UK orders:
http://www.audible.co.uk/aduk/site/product.jsp?p=BK_BEAR_000001UK&BV_SessionID=@@@@1904657385.1272326590@@@@&BV_EngineID=cccgadekffeehdjcefecekjdfikdffg.0
Regis Philbin has introduced his new line of menswear called Regis by Van Heusen. The shirts are available in three patterns -- plain, striped and cashier's checks.
A study released by the Harvard School of Public Health shows that campus alcohol abuse rose a whopping 24.3% last year with the University of Wisconsin copping top honors. Officials became suspicious when several highly ranked universities began granting R.S.V.P. degrees.
Scientists from the Woods Hole Oceanographic Institution have discovered a large deposit of gas trapped beneath the mid-Atlantic sea floor. A tanker leased from Exxon is steaming to the area loaded with 460,000 gallons of Mylanta.
Ellery Chun who invented the Hawaiian shirt in 1931 passed away in Honolulu at the age of 91. Following a brief memorial service, he was buried in a special section of the cemetery beside the inventors of the leisure suit, earth
shoes and the Mao jacket.
Johnny Carson has donated $100,000 to help build a new senior citizen's center in his hometown of Norfolk, VA. Not to be overshadowed by his former boss, Ed MacMahon gave $100 to the Alpo Home for Aging Canines in Barstow.
According to an annual survey of international travelers, the top five airports in the world are Copenhagen, Changi, Singapore, Helsinki, Vancouver and Manchester, England. Dead last: Belfast's Crossfire International.
Until next time, I leave you with the immortal words of Babe Ruth who was overheard telling a girl in a singles bar, "Right now I'm the Sultan of Swat but I'd really like to direct."
_______________________________
Excerpted From THE LAUGH MAKERS
Glee for Two
Another vaudeville-born device we used often was the “comedy duet,” where, at several points throughout the number, the performers stopped singing to deliver jokes, usually in the familiar straightline-punchline format. In a 1978 special entitled “A Tribute to the Palace Theater,” our studio had been transformed into a replica of New York’s Palace Theater, the Holy Grail of all vaudevillians.
The special was produced by Sheldon Keller, a devoted vaude-afficionado (my word, but descriptive) and the lines throughout the show reflected his distinctive style. His writing partners, Howard Albrecht and Sol Weinstein (a team I had worked with on the “Dean Martin Roasts“), also shared writing credit. The music of this duet performed by Hope and George Burns was written by Sol Weinstein. It’s entitled “That’s the Way It Was in Vaudeville,” and I consider it a truly remarkable reflection of the spirit of the era it honors.
The set was a small-town railroad depot, circa 1928. The boys wore brown tweed suits and bowler hats. Each had a cane he would use throughout the number. As the gold-tasseled red velvet curtain rose, they were revealed along with two large steamer-trunks, Hope standing and George sitting. When the music begins, they don their bowlers and move forward to center-stage.
(Music: up)
HOPE/BURNS: (sing) Hat, cane, trunk, train... that’s the way it was in vaudeville... (Softshoe) Song cue, softshoe, that’s the way it was in vaudeville... They loved us in the cities, they loved us in the sticks, we didn’t mind the vegetables, but when they threw the bricks...Laughs, frowns, tank towns, that’s the way it was in vaudeville...
BURNS: Mamaroneck, Saranac, Scranton and Canton...
HOPE: Austin and Boston, Racine, yes I mean...
HOPE/BURNS: That’s the way it was in vaudeville...
BURNS: Ashville and Nashville, Nogales and Dallas,
HOPE: Detroit and Beloit, Kankakee, don’t you see?
HOPE/BURNS: That’s the way it was in vaudeville.
(Music:out)
HOPE: (Speaks) Vaudeville... what an era.
BURNS: But it wasn’t all fun and games. Bob.
HOPE: I know what you mean. Remember some of those small town we had to play?
BURNS: You remember Zyszx, Nevada?
HOPE: Do I remember Zyszx? Just saying it used to clear up my sinuses.
BURNS: That town was so small, the trains only stopped there once a week... just to laugh.
HOPE: It was so tiny, the electric company was four batteries and a jar of fireflies.
BURNS: But what made vaudeville worthwhile was some of the unusual acts we worked with. Like “The Great Maurice“... half-man and half-woman. It was fine until one night he was arrested for making a pass at himself.
HOPE: I remember the case. At the last minute, he dropped the charges. But the most unique act of them all was “Knock-Knees Needleman,” the original one-man-band.
BURNS: Yeah, nobody could follow him.
HOPE: He had a pair of cymbals strapped to his knees, a harmonica in his mouth, base drums on both hips, mallets on his elbows, and if that wasn’t enough, he tapped danced on a Wurlitzer to the tune of Tchaikovsky’s “Nutcracker Suite.”
BURNS: That kid had to belong to about six unions.
HOPE: (ad-lib) That’s the longest straight-line I’ve ever had. But in his prime, the poor guy was struck by a bolt of lightning and died in the key of F.
BURNS: I remember his last request was to be buried dressed in his instruments. And while they were lowering him, a windstorm came up and he played at his own funeral.
HOPE: Where else but in a free America?
Continued next Week
Order THE LAUGH MAKERS on line:
http://www.amazon.com/LAUGH-MAKERS-Behind-Scenes-Incredible/product-reviews/1593933231/ref=cm_cr_pr_link_2?ie=UTF8&showViewpoints=0&pageNumber=2
Also available in an unabridged audio version read by the author:
http://www.audible.com/adbl/site/products/ProductDetail.jsp?BV_SessionID=@@@@0545479184.1272211432@@@@&BV_EngineID=cccjadekfdmleefcefecekjdffidfmf.0&productID=BK_BEAR_000001
UK orders:
http://www.audible.co.uk/aduk/site/product.jsp?p=BK_BEAR_000001UK&BV_SessionID=@@@@1904657385.1272326590@@@@&BV_EngineID=cccgadekffeehdjcefecekjdfikdffg.0
THURSDAY, June 10, 2010
A 20-year-old Romanian man crawled under a fence at an airport in Vienna and hid in the wheel well of a jet that flew to London. Later, he told reporters that even though he had to endure temperatures that reached 60 degrees below zero, overall the flight was more comfortable and the service was better than Delta.
Though admitting that their results were counter intuitive, researchers at Hartford Hospital and the University of Iowa found that marijuana use has little effect on driving ability. Most accidents involving cannabis are caused when chocolate chip cookie crumbs whipped up by incoming air flow obscure the driver's vision.
Herpetologists from England, Australia, France, Italy and Nigeria conducted a study that found seventeen species of snakes have declined in population worldwide since 1990. The study was undertaken after Bar Associations in Canada, the U.S. and Australia noticed their membership had declined over the same period.
General Motors has recalled 1.5 million cars, trucks and SUVs to disable defective wiper fluid heaters that can catch fire. A company spokesman was quick to assure owners that the electrical problem does not effect drivers-side shiatsu massage units, in-dash juicers or glove box microwaves.
Lindsay Lohan’s bail was increased to $200,000 after her ankle bracelet indicated that she had violated her parole and imbibed alcohol last weekend. The judge seemed completely unimpressed by Lindsay’s explanation that she was at the MTV Movie Awards and Amy Winehouse breathed on her.
_______________________________
Excerpted From THE LAUGH MAKERS
One Mime At A Time
We found that having brought along Shields and Yarnell and Big Bird, whose acts were visual requiring no translation made producing a television special in a non-English speaking country much easier. A segment with Bob Shields and Lureen Yarnell mimicking mannequins in a Shanghai department store had no words, and needed none — the smiles of delight on the faces of the unsuspecting shoppers said it all. And Sesame Street’s Big Bird so totally captivated the kids, there’s a whole generation over there now that’s sworn off Peking duck.
Inside the Big Bird costume resides a talented puppeteer named Carroll Spinney who, thanks to a special contractual arrangement with Jim Henson Productions, operates the only Muppet character allowed to work solo. Besides the constant maintenance he requires (he loses about 350 turkey feathers per outing), the bird is no piece of cake to operate. While providing the voice, Spinney must keep his left arm extended over his head to work the beak and simulate neck movement. All the while, he’s watching a three-inch TV monitor inside the bird’s chest cavity just to be able to navigate. A small fan supplies some air circulation, but Carroll usually emerged looking like he’d been in a sauna. He relies on an assistant named Kermit Love (no relation to the frog) to keep the Bird looking spiffy and his operator from falling off a stage or walking into traffic. Of all our guests over the years, Big Bird was probably the most underpaid, considering what goes into every performance.
Tomorrow: Hope & Burns Revisit Vaudeville
Order THE LAUGH MAKERS on line:
http://www.amazon.com/LAUGH-MAKERS-Behind-Scenes-Incredible/product-reviews/1593933231/ref=cm_cr_pr_link_2?ie=UTF8&showViewpoints=0&pageNumber=2
Also available in an unabridged audio version read by the author:
http://www.audible.com/adbl/site/products/ProductDetail.jsp?BV_SessionID=@@@@0545479184.1272211432@@@@&BV_EngineID=cccjadekfdmleefcefecekjdffidfmf.0&productID=BK_BEAR_000001
UK orders:
http://www.audible.co.uk/aduk/site/product.jsp?p=BK_BEAR_000001UK&BV_SessionID=@@@@1904657385.1272326590@@@@&BV_EngineID=cccgadekffeehdjcefecekjdfikdffg.0
Though admitting that their results were counter intuitive, researchers at Hartford Hospital and the University of Iowa found that marijuana use has little effect on driving ability. Most accidents involving cannabis are caused when chocolate chip cookie crumbs whipped up by incoming air flow obscure the driver's vision.
Herpetologists from England, Australia, France, Italy and Nigeria conducted a study that found seventeen species of snakes have declined in population worldwide since 1990. The study was undertaken after Bar Associations in Canada, the U.S. and Australia noticed their membership had declined over the same period.
General Motors has recalled 1.5 million cars, trucks and SUVs to disable defective wiper fluid heaters that can catch fire. A company spokesman was quick to assure owners that the electrical problem does not effect drivers-side shiatsu massage units, in-dash juicers or glove box microwaves.
Lindsay Lohan’s bail was increased to $200,000 after her ankle bracelet indicated that she had violated her parole and imbibed alcohol last weekend. The judge seemed completely unimpressed by Lindsay’s explanation that she was at the MTV Movie Awards and Amy Winehouse breathed on her.
_______________________________
Excerpted From THE LAUGH MAKERS
One Mime At A Time
We found that having brought along Shields and Yarnell and Big Bird, whose acts were visual requiring no translation made producing a television special in a non-English speaking country much easier. A segment with Bob Shields and Lureen Yarnell mimicking mannequins in a Shanghai department store had no words, and needed none — the smiles of delight on the faces of the unsuspecting shoppers said it all. And Sesame Street’s Big Bird so totally captivated the kids, there’s a whole generation over there now that’s sworn off Peking duck.
Inside the Big Bird costume resides a talented puppeteer named Carroll Spinney who, thanks to a special contractual arrangement with Jim Henson Productions, operates the only Muppet character allowed to work solo. Besides the constant maintenance he requires (he loses about 350 turkey feathers per outing), the bird is no piece of cake to operate. While providing the voice, Spinney must keep his left arm extended over his head to work the beak and simulate neck movement. All the while, he’s watching a three-inch TV monitor inside the bird’s chest cavity just to be able to navigate. A small fan supplies some air circulation, but Carroll usually emerged looking like he’d been in a sauna. He relies on an assistant named Kermit Love (no relation to the frog) to keep the Bird looking spiffy and his operator from falling off a stage or walking into traffic. Of all our guests over the years, Big Bird was probably the most underpaid, considering what goes into every performance.
Tomorrow: Hope & Burns Revisit Vaudeville
Order THE LAUGH MAKERS on line:
http://www.amazon.com/LAUGH-MAKERS-Behind-Scenes-Incredible/product-reviews/1593933231/ref=cm_cr_pr_link_2?ie=UTF8&showViewpoints=0&pageNumber=2
Also available in an unabridged audio version read by the author:
http://www.audible.com/adbl/site/products/ProductDetail.jsp?BV_SessionID=@@@@0545479184.1272211432@@@@&BV_EngineID=cccjadekfdmleefcefecekjdffidfmf.0&productID=BK_BEAR_000001
UK orders:
http://www.audible.co.uk/aduk/site/product.jsp?p=BK_BEAR_000001UK&BV_SessionID=@@@@1904657385.1272326590@@@@&BV_EngineID=cccgadekffeehdjcefecekjdfikdffg.0
WEDNESDAY, June 9, 2010
Senior White House correspondent Helen Thomas resigned after making ill-advised comments about Israel. She’s not completely out of the business, though. She was immediately hired by “60 Minutes” to sit at Andy Rooney’s desk each week while technicians adjust the lights.
New York City officials are complaining that the decision to transfer “Law and Order” from New York to Los Angeles will result in an $80 million loss to local merchants. Not exactly cheap for the producers, either. So far, they’ve had to spend $75,000 just to have all the graffiti removed from the squad cars.
A Los Angeles judge ordered Lindsay Lohan, charged with violating her probation on a DUI conviction, to wear an electronic monitor attached to her ankle. Now, every time she goes through the checkout line at the supermarket, the bar code registers “$1.5 million a picture.”
A research team of biologists from the University of Queensland discovered that salt water crocodiles, naturally poor swimmers, can travel thousands of miles by “surfing” ocean currents. Not only that, several were spotted wearing polo shirts with designer logos in the shape of tiny humans.
In Jersey City, Weird Al Yankovic kicked off National Accordion Awareness Month with “A Salute to Myron Floren” amid a cheering crowd of excited fans who then watched Dick Contino play “Lady of Spain” and gave thanks that John Tesh never learned to squeeze one.
_______________________________
Excerpted From THE LAUGH MAKERS
We set aside a full day for our visit to Peking’s Chinese Opera School, which can best be described as the New York School for the Performing Arts — with barracks. Hand-picked by the government, kids from all over China are given free room, board and training to someday take their place in the cast of the Oriental version of the Met — the Peking Opera. I take that back. Compared to the Met, this ensemble is a Green Beret unit. With more centuries under their belt than they care to admit, the Opera combines tumbling, juggling, gymnastics, slapstick comedy, fencing, acting, dancing and singing. The entire company consists of a first string unit as well as a number of road versions that constantly tour the provinces. Sort of AAA-Opera. The kids, who range in age from about eight to twelve, gave us a heart-pounding demonstration of calisthenics that seemed to transform them into prepubescent pretzels. We would later borrow six of these talented youngsters for a musical number that Hope would perform on Peking’s famous Marble Boat — the one Billy Graham managed to float in the monologue.
Near the city’s edge is a lake, on the banks of which the emperors built a summer palace — for those times when the pressures of emperoring called for a little R&R. Its most famous resident was the empress dowager, who apparently handled money something like Leona Helmsley, who left her fortune to her dogs. Somehow she managed to blow hundreds of thousands of yuan that the Chinese parliament had allocated for a navy. To appease an unsatisfied admiralty, she ordered the construction of a boat made entirely of marble. The size of a small Mississippi paddle-wheeler, it forever stands immobile at the dock, a monument to the dowager’s quick thinking gift-giving.
Tomorrow: Big Bird Invades the Peoples Republic
Order THE LAUGH MAKERS on line:
http://www.amazon.com/LAUGH-MAKERS-Behind-Scenes-Incredible/product-reviews/1593933231/ref=cm_cr_pr_link_2?ie=UTF8&showViewpoints=0&pageNumber=2
Also available in an unabridged audio version read by the author:
http://www.audible.com/adbl/site/products/ProductDetail.jsp?BV_SessionID=@@@@0545479184.1272211432@@@@&BV_EngineID=cccjadekfdmleefcefecekjdffidfmf.0&productID=BK_BEAR_000001
UK orders:
http://www.audible.co.uk/aduk/site/product.jsp?p=BK_BEAR_000001UK&BV_SessionID=@@@@1904657385.1272326590@@@@&BV_EngineID=cccgadekffeehdjcefecekjdfikdffg.0
New York City officials are complaining that the decision to transfer “Law and Order” from New York to Los Angeles will result in an $80 million loss to local merchants. Not exactly cheap for the producers, either. So far, they’ve had to spend $75,000 just to have all the graffiti removed from the squad cars.
A Los Angeles judge ordered Lindsay Lohan, charged with violating her probation on a DUI conviction, to wear an electronic monitor attached to her ankle. Now, every time she goes through the checkout line at the supermarket, the bar code registers “$1.5 million a picture.”
A research team of biologists from the University of Queensland discovered that salt water crocodiles, naturally poor swimmers, can travel thousands of miles by “surfing” ocean currents. Not only that, several were spotted wearing polo shirts with designer logos in the shape of tiny humans.
In Jersey City, Weird Al Yankovic kicked off National Accordion Awareness Month with “A Salute to Myron Floren” amid a cheering crowd of excited fans who then watched Dick Contino play “Lady of Spain” and gave thanks that John Tesh never learned to squeeze one.
_______________________________
Excerpted From THE LAUGH MAKERS
We set aside a full day for our visit to Peking’s Chinese Opera School, which can best be described as the New York School for the Performing Arts — with barracks. Hand-picked by the government, kids from all over China are given free room, board and training to someday take their place in the cast of the Oriental version of the Met — the Peking Opera. I take that back. Compared to the Met, this ensemble is a Green Beret unit. With more centuries under their belt than they care to admit, the Opera combines tumbling, juggling, gymnastics, slapstick comedy, fencing, acting, dancing and singing. The entire company consists of a first string unit as well as a number of road versions that constantly tour the provinces. Sort of AAA-Opera. The kids, who range in age from about eight to twelve, gave us a heart-pounding demonstration of calisthenics that seemed to transform them into prepubescent pretzels. We would later borrow six of these talented youngsters for a musical number that Hope would perform on Peking’s famous Marble Boat — the one Billy Graham managed to float in the monologue.
Near the city’s edge is a lake, on the banks of which the emperors built a summer palace — for those times when the pressures of emperoring called for a little R&R. Its most famous resident was the empress dowager, who apparently handled money something like Leona Helmsley, who left her fortune to her dogs. Somehow she managed to blow hundreds of thousands of yuan that the Chinese parliament had allocated for a navy. To appease an unsatisfied admiralty, she ordered the construction of a boat made entirely of marble. The size of a small Mississippi paddle-wheeler, it forever stands immobile at the dock, a monument to the dowager’s quick thinking gift-giving.
Tomorrow: Big Bird Invades the Peoples Republic
Order THE LAUGH MAKERS on line:
http://www.amazon.com/LAUGH-MAKERS-Behind-Scenes-Incredible/product-reviews/1593933231/ref=cm_cr_pr_link_2?ie=UTF8&showViewpoints=0&pageNumber=2
Also available in an unabridged audio version read by the author:
http://www.audible.com/adbl/site/products/ProductDetail.jsp?BV_SessionID=@@@@0545479184.1272211432@@@@&BV_EngineID=cccjadekfdmleefcefecekjdffidfmf.0&productID=BK_BEAR_000001
UK orders:
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TUESDAY, June 8, 2010
Rush Limbaugh recently took his fourth wife at a simple ceremony attended by a few friends and supporters. After the vows were read, the bride threw the traditional bouquet in the air and out of habit, Sarah Palin shot it.
A rare British stamp, the 1904 6d Pale Dull Purple, was sold in London for a record $750,000. It's considered extremely rare because it’s the only stamp featuring a black-sheep member of the royal family -- the Earl of Scheib -- who disobeyed Queen Victoria and opened a paint and body shop near Windsor Castle.
Under pressure from the FDA, Kellogg’s has agreed to remove the claim printed on the box that Rice Krispies Cereal increases the natural immunity of children. An embarrassed Kellogg’s executive admitted to reporters that Snap and Crackle recently tested positive for the H1N1 virus.
Archaeologists in the UK exhumed eighty skeletons believed to be Roman gladiators who died between the first and fourth century AD, some apparently from coliseum battles with lions, tigers and bears. The first reality shows pitted man against beast and were popular until Will Shakespeare introduced more expensive scripted entertainment.
A team of scientists from the University of London found that cockroaches communicate with one another through a "foraging pheromone" and actually recommend the best places to eat. Even more remarkable, they also recommend the best places to stay -- usually at a five-star Roach Motel under a stove.
_______________________________
Excerpted From THE LAUGH MAKERS
We couldn’t visit the land of the eucalyptus groves without paying homage to their most cuddly inhabitants, the koalas. Sticking furry-ears and rubber-noses on Hope and Barbara after perching them on a tree limb seemed like a good way to start.
BARBARA: What’s the matter, honey? You look like you’ve just been hit in the face by the Flying Doctor.
HOPE: I’m so depressed. I’d call my therapist, but his tree is unlisted.
BARBARA: (sympathetically): Aw, tell me about it. That’s why I have big furry ears — to listen to my husband’s problems in koala stereo.
HOPE: I found out something shocking today. We’re not bears at all. We’re arboreal marsupials.
BARBARA: Don’t worry about it. What’s in a name, anyway?
HOPE: Easy for you to say, but would Juliet have looked at Romeo twice if he had been an arboreal marsupial instead of a Capulet? It sounds like a disease. If word of this leaks out, we’ll be the laughing stock of the sanctuary.
BARBARA: You need to see a psychiatrist. Someone who’ll get you to relax and slow down.
HOPE: Slow down? Our lives are already so slow, snails use us as examples.
BARBARA: I know, and the kids are getting suspicious. We’ve had our bedroom door locked for six months.
They eventually decide that attending the Bob Hope television show taping would be just what the doctor ordered to cure his case of koala-funk.
HOPE: What amazes me is how Hope can think of so many funny things to say while traveling all over the world entertaining so many people.
BARBARA: That’s obvious. He must have a very remarkable mind. In fact, he must be a genius.
HOPE: Really?
BARBARA: Yes. (glares at him) Now can I have my passport back?
Tomorrow: A visit to the Peking Opera School
Order THE LAUGH MAKERS on line:
http://www.amazon.com/LAUGH-MAKERS-Behind-Scenes-Incredible/product-reviews/1593933231/ref=cm_cr_pr_link_2?ie=UTF8&showViewpoints=0&pageNumber=2
Also available in an unabridged audio version read by the author:
http://www.audible.com/adbl/site/products/ProductDetail.jsp?BV_SessionID=@@@@0545479184.1272211432@@@@&BV_EngineID=cccjadekfdmleefcefecekjdffidfmf.0&productID=BK_BEAR_000001
UK orders:
http://www.audible.co.uk/aduk/site/product.jsp?p=BK_BEAR_000001UK&BV_SessionID=@@@@1904657385.1272326590@@@@&BV_EngineID=cccgadekffeehdjcefecekjdfikdffg.0
A rare British stamp, the 1904 6d Pale Dull Purple, was sold in London for a record $750,000. It's considered extremely rare because it’s the only stamp featuring a black-sheep member of the royal family -- the Earl of Scheib -- who disobeyed Queen Victoria and opened a paint and body shop near Windsor Castle.
Under pressure from the FDA, Kellogg’s has agreed to remove the claim printed on the box that Rice Krispies Cereal increases the natural immunity of children. An embarrassed Kellogg’s executive admitted to reporters that Snap and Crackle recently tested positive for the H1N1 virus.
Archaeologists in the UK exhumed eighty skeletons believed to be Roman gladiators who died between the first and fourth century AD, some apparently from coliseum battles with lions, tigers and bears. The first reality shows pitted man against beast and were popular until Will Shakespeare introduced more expensive scripted entertainment.
A team of scientists from the University of London found that cockroaches communicate with one another through a "foraging pheromone" and actually recommend the best places to eat. Even more remarkable, they also recommend the best places to stay -- usually at a five-star Roach Motel under a stove.
_______________________________
Excerpted From THE LAUGH MAKERS
We couldn’t visit the land of the eucalyptus groves without paying homage to their most cuddly inhabitants, the koalas. Sticking furry-ears and rubber-noses on Hope and Barbara after perching them on a tree limb seemed like a good way to start.
BARBARA: What’s the matter, honey? You look like you’ve just been hit in the face by the Flying Doctor.
HOPE: I’m so depressed. I’d call my therapist, but his tree is unlisted.
BARBARA: (sympathetically): Aw, tell me about it. That’s why I have big furry ears — to listen to my husband’s problems in koala stereo.
HOPE: I found out something shocking today. We’re not bears at all. We’re arboreal marsupials.
BARBARA: Don’t worry about it. What’s in a name, anyway?
HOPE: Easy for you to say, but would Juliet have looked at Romeo twice if he had been an arboreal marsupial instead of a Capulet? It sounds like a disease. If word of this leaks out, we’ll be the laughing stock of the sanctuary.
BARBARA: You need to see a psychiatrist. Someone who’ll get you to relax and slow down.
HOPE: Slow down? Our lives are already so slow, snails use us as examples.
BARBARA: I know, and the kids are getting suspicious. We’ve had our bedroom door locked for six months.
They eventually decide that attending the Bob Hope television show taping would be just what the doctor ordered to cure his case of koala-funk.
HOPE: What amazes me is how Hope can think of so many funny things to say while traveling all over the world entertaining so many people.
BARBARA: That’s obvious. He must have a very remarkable mind. In fact, he must be a genius.
HOPE: Really?
BARBARA: Yes. (glares at him) Now can I have my passport back?
Tomorrow: A visit to the Peking Opera School
Order THE LAUGH MAKERS on line:
http://www.amazon.com/LAUGH-MAKERS-Behind-Scenes-Incredible/product-reviews/1593933231/ref=cm_cr_pr_link_2?ie=UTF8&showViewpoints=0&pageNumber=2
Also available in an unabridged audio version read by the author:
http://www.audible.com/adbl/site/products/ProductDetail.jsp?BV_SessionID=@@@@0545479184.1272211432@@@@&BV_EngineID=cccjadekfdmleefcefecekjdffidfmf.0&productID=BK_BEAR_000001
UK orders:
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MONDAY, June 7, 2010
Illinois Republican Senate candidate Mark Kirk confessed to reporters that contrary to claims in his campaign ads, his plane was not shot at in Iraq, he was not in Operation Desert Storm and he was never named “Intelligence Officer of the Year” or commanded the Pentagon’s war room. In Mark‘s defense, though, GOP officials point out that he actually does shop at Old Navy.
Scientists at Canada’s Concordia University have created cloth, woven with wireless sensors, that can track the wearer’s vital signs including temperature, heart rate, and breathing. If all goes according to plan, Armani will soon market the “Dr. Georgio 500” -- a business suit that can give you a complete physical.
An Air Force test pilot recently set a world record by flying an experimental attack jet six times the speed of sound. To put that speed in terms the average laymen can understand, by the time the rockets he fired hit their target, he was retired and working as a lobbyist for Boeing.
Astronomers have confirmed that a huge explosion on Jupiter photographed last year by an Australian amateur was probably caused by a giant asteroid that left a crater the size of the Pacific Ocean. It was the worst damage to the solar system since Kirstie Alley started that grease fire in the kitchen of Planet Hollywood.
A collection of items including letters, a daily diary and an cigar that once belonged to Winston Churchill will be auctioned by Christie’s. Is this the end, you might ask? This isn’t even the beginning of the end -- but it might be the end of the beginning.
_______________________________
Excerpted From THE LAUGH MAKERS
Bob Hope and Bing Crosby met while working in vaudeville. A mutual friend who thought they would compliment each other on stage, introduced them. The friend was correct -- they seemed to have an immediate rapport and enjoyed visiting each other on the circuit where they would do short comedy bits called “cross-overs” (i.e., Two lawyers running into each other… they meet center stage and pick each others pocket.) A producer at Paramount Pictures Corporation in Hollywood happened to see them on stage together and sensed they might be able to transfer the chemistry they shared from stage to screen. Thus, the “road” pictures were born -- a collaboration that would prove to be one of the most successful film franchises in the history of Hollywood.
In the fall of 1977, news of Bing’s death stunned Hope since both were the same age (born twenty-seven days apart in 1903) and, while not the pals the Road pictures had led the public to believe — they seldom saw each other socially — they had been inordinately successful business partners and shared a mutual respect. While interacting on the screen, both performers seemed a lot alike. In truth, they were not. Hope was gregarious and enjoyed his fans while Bing was more of a loner, preferring to get his work done so he could get back to the tenth tee. Between takes on a movie set, Hope enjoyed exchanging banter with the crew working behind the camera and counted many of them among his friends. Bing, on the other hand, was notorious for sitting by himself, engaged in some lone activity like checking race results to see how his horses had done.
In truth, Hope was something short of the “hail-fellow-well-met” that he appeared to be on the screen, but hardly the icy tycoon that some in Hollywood imagined him to be — a characterization that could, at times, accurately describe his pal, Bing. In the early forties the Friars’ Club, an exclusive fraternity of successful actors and comedians, decided to honor Hope with a roast. Though a seat on the dais had been reserved for him, Bing, a Friars’ board member, failed to show up. Later, when asked by a reporter why he hadn’t attended Hope’s roast, Bing replied, “I wasn’t hungry.”
Tomorrow: Hope and Barbara Eden as Koalas
Order THE LAUGH MAKERS on line:
http://www.amazon.com/LAUGH-MAKERS-Behind-Scenes-Incredible/product-reviews/1593933231/ref=cm_cr_pr_link_2?ie=UTF8&showViewpoints=0&pageNumber=2
Also available in an unabridged audio version read by the author:
http://www.audible.com/adbl/site/products/ProductDetail.jsp?BV_SessionID=@@@@0545479184.1272211432@@@@&BV_EngineID=cccjadekfdmleefcefecekjdffidfmf.0&productID=BK_BEAR_000001
UK orders:
http://www.audible.co.uk/aduk/site/product.jsp?p=BK_BEAR_000001UK&BV_SessionID=@@@@1904657385.1272326590@@@@&BV_EngineID=cccgadekffeehdjcefecekjdfikdffg.0
Scientists at Canada’s Concordia University have created cloth, woven with wireless sensors, that can track the wearer’s vital signs including temperature, heart rate, and breathing. If all goes according to plan, Armani will soon market the “Dr. Georgio 500” -- a business suit that can give you a complete physical.
An Air Force test pilot recently set a world record by flying an experimental attack jet six times the speed of sound. To put that speed in terms the average laymen can understand, by the time the rockets he fired hit their target, he was retired and working as a lobbyist for Boeing.
Astronomers have confirmed that a huge explosion on Jupiter photographed last year by an Australian amateur was probably caused by a giant asteroid that left a crater the size of the Pacific Ocean. It was the worst damage to the solar system since Kirstie Alley started that grease fire in the kitchen of Planet Hollywood.
A collection of items including letters, a daily diary and an cigar that once belonged to Winston Churchill will be auctioned by Christie’s. Is this the end, you might ask? This isn’t even the beginning of the end -- but it might be the end of the beginning.
_______________________________
Excerpted From THE LAUGH MAKERS
Bob Hope and Bing Crosby met while working in vaudeville. A mutual friend who thought they would compliment each other on stage, introduced them. The friend was correct -- they seemed to have an immediate rapport and enjoyed visiting each other on the circuit where they would do short comedy bits called “cross-overs” (i.e., Two lawyers running into each other… they meet center stage and pick each others pocket.) A producer at Paramount Pictures Corporation in Hollywood happened to see them on stage together and sensed they might be able to transfer the chemistry they shared from stage to screen. Thus, the “road” pictures were born -- a collaboration that would prove to be one of the most successful film franchises in the history of Hollywood.
In the fall of 1977, news of Bing’s death stunned Hope since both were the same age (born twenty-seven days apart in 1903) and, while not the pals the Road pictures had led the public to believe — they seldom saw each other socially — they had been inordinately successful business partners and shared a mutual respect. While interacting on the screen, both performers seemed a lot alike. In truth, they were not. Hope was gregarious and enjoyed his fans while Bing was more of a loner, preferring to get his work done so he could get back to the tenth tee. Between takes on a movie set, Hope enjoyed exchanging banter with the crew working behind the camera and counted many of them among his friends. Bing, on the other hand, was notorious for sitting by himself, engaged in some lone activity like checking race results to see how his horses had done.
In truth, Hope was something short of the “hail-fellow-well-met” that he appeared to be on the screen, but hardly the icy tycoon that some in Hollywood imagined him to be — a characterization that could, at times, accurately describe his pal, Bing. In the early forties the Friars’ Club, an exclusive fraternity of successful actors and comedians, decided to honor Hope with a roast. Though a seat on the dais had been reserved for him, Bing, a Friars’ board member, failed to show up. Later, when asked by a reporter why he hadn’t attended Hope’s roast, Bing replied, “I wasn’t hungry.”
Tomorrow: Hope and Barbara Eden as Koalas
Order THE LAUGH MAKERS on line:
http://www.amazon.com/LAUGH-MAKERS-Behind-Scenes-Incredible/product-reviews/1593933231/ref=cm_cr_pr_link_2?ie=UTF8&showViewpoints=0&pageNumber=2
Also available in an unabridged audio version read by the author:
http://www.audible.com/adbl/site/products/ProductDetail.jsp?BV_SessionID=@@@@0545479184.1272211432@@@@&BV_EngineID=cccjadekfdmleefcefecekjdffidfmf.0&productID=BK_BEAR_000001
UK orders:
http://www.audible.co.uk/aduk/site/product.jsp?p=BK_BEAR_000001UK&BV_SessionID=@@@@1904657385.1272326590@@@@&BV_EngineID=cccgadekffeehdjcefecekjdfikdffg.0
FRI, SAT, SUN, June 4, 5, 6
The trial of former Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich on charges of racketeering, wire fraud, extortion and bribery in attempting to sell Barack Obama’s Senate seat has begun in Chicago. Prosecutors say they have audio tape proving the allegations while Rod says he’ll counter with video tape taken by a camera hidden in his hair.
Andrew Lloyd Webber has released the performance rights of “Phantom of the Opera” to high school drama departments. The rights to “Cats” are also included in the waiver providing the schools agree to advertise Andrew’s “Scat-A-Way” kitty litter on the sides of their buses.
In a survey conducted by Entertainment Weekly magazine, subscribers chose Homer Simpson the greatest TV character to emerge in the past 20 years. An historic choice since Homer is the first cartoon character voiced by a human to receive such an honor -- unless, of course, you count Larry King.
The classic 1964 Astin-Martin roadster driven by James Bond in “Thunderball” is up for auction. The seller guarantees that it’s exactly as it was in the film except, in compliance with demands of the National Safety Council, the ejection seat now has a belt and shoulder harness.
Bowing to pressure from womens rights groups, the Saudi Arabian government now requires marriage contracts to include the bride’s age after a 12-year-old girl was found to be married to an 80-year-old man. There has never been such a case in the U.S. -- if you discount all those Andy Rooney-Miley Cyrus rumors.
_______________________________
Excerpted From THE LAUGH MAKERS
When Les Brown retired, his musical director, Bob Alberti, was drafted to conduct on- camera. I got to know Bob well during my years with Hope and traveled with him to many countries — Australia, England, Tahiti, Sweden — but not China. The reason Bob sent Geoff Clarkson, Hope’s pianist, to work that show was because it violated his personal rule against visiting a non-English speaking country. Bob was inconsistent, though. He didn’t seem to mind visiting non-English speaking states, willingly working on shows we taped in the South. Just kidding. (I think.)
Bob came from a musical dynasty that could be traced back several generations in Italy. He had perfect pitch and during rehearsals could ferret out an errant note coming from any section of the band. If he suspected a player was hitting a clunker, he’d use the mixing-board in the control booth to isolate the section from which he thought it was coming. Then, he’d stop the band and say something like “Larry, you’re playing an F sharp in bar sixteen. Should be an F.” Once, after doing this he said to me, “I don’t know why I’m so picky. At home, they’ll be listening to this on a three-inch speaker.”
We were on the road one time, and Glen Campbell lost a bag that contained the arrangement of his hit “Southern Nights” that he was scheduled to sing on the special. Bob withdrew to his room and within two hours returned with a complete orchestral arrangement of the song that he had reconstructed from memory. Even Glen (no stranger to chromatic scales) was impressed.
Throughout the sixties and seventies, Bob was a musical fixture in Hollywood, working on shows as diverse as The Hollywood Palace, Hee-Haw, Name That Tune, and The Harlem Globetrotter’s Popcorn Machine where he met his wife, Shirley, who was an assistant producer on that show and later became a production coordinator on Barney Miller. Today, they live in Bluffton, South Carolina.
Next week: Were Hope and Crosby as friendly off-screen as they appeared on it?
Order THE LAUGH MAKERS on line:
http://www.amazon.com/LAUGH-MAKERS-Behind-Scenes-Incredible/product-reviews/1593933231/ref=cm_cr_pr_link_2?ie=UTF8&showViewpoints=0&pageNumber=2
Also available in an unabridged audio version read by the author:
http://www.audible.com/adbl/site/products/ProductDetail.jsp?BV_SessionID=@@@@0545479184.1272211432@@@@&BV_EngineID=cccjadekfdmleefcefecekjdffidfmf.0&productID=BK_BEAR_000001
UK orders:
http://www.audible.co.uk/aduk/site/product.jsp?p=BK_BEAR_000001UK&BV_SessionID=@@@@1904657385.1272326590@@@@&BV_EngineID=cccgadekffeehdjcefecekjdfikdffg.0
Andrew Lloyd Webber has released the performance rights of “Phantom of the Opera” to high school drama departments. The rights to “Cats” are also included in the waiver providing the schools agree to advertise Andrew’s “Scat-A-Way” kitty litter on the sides of their buses.
In a survey conducted by Entertainment Weekly magazine, subscribers chose Homer Simpson the greatest TV character to emerge in the past 20 years. An historic choice since Homer is the first cartoon character voiced by a human to receive such an honor -- unless, of course, you count Larry King.
The classic 1964 Astin-Martin roadster driven by James Bond in “Thunderball” is up for auction. The seller guarantees that it’s exactly as it was in the film except, in compliance with demands of the National Safety Council, the ejection seat now has a belt and shoulder harness.
Bowing to pressure from womens rights groups, the Saudi Arabian government now requires marriage contracts to include the bride’s age after a 12-year-old girl was found to be married to an 80-year-old man. There has never been such a case in the U.S. -- if you discount all those Andy Rooney-Miley Cyrus rumors.
_______________________________
Excerpted From THE LAUGH MAKERS
When Les Brown retired, his musical director, Bob Alberti, was drafted to conduct on- camera. I got to know Bob well during my years with Hope and traveled with him to many countries — Australia, England, Tahiti, Sweden — but not China. The reason Bob sent Geoff Clarkson, Hope’s pianist, to work that show was because it violated his personal rule against visiting a non-English speaking country. Bob was inconsistent, though. He didn’t seem to mind visiting non-English speaking states, willingly working on shows we taped in the South. Just kidding. (I think.)
Bob came from a musical dynasty that could be traced back several generations in Italy. He had perfect pitch and during rehearsals could ferret out an errant note coming from any section of the band. If he suspected a player was hitting a clunker, he’d use the mixing-board in the control booth to isolate the section from which he thought it was coming. Then, he’d stop the band and say something like “Larry, you’re playing an F sharp in bar sixteen. Should be an F.” Once, after doing this he said to me, “I don’t know why I’m so picky. At home, they’ll be listening to this on a three-inch speaker.”
We were on the road one time, and Glen Campbell lost a bag that contained the arrangement of his hit “Southern Nights” that he was scheduled to sing on the special. Bob withdrew to his room and within two hours returned with a complete orchestral arrangement of the song that he had reconstructed from memory. Even Glen (no stranger to chromatic scales) was impressed.
Throughout the sixties and seventies, Bob was a musical fixture in Hollywood, working on shows as diverse as The Hollywood Palace, Hee-Haw, Name That Tune, and The Harlem Globetrotter’s Popcorn Machine where he met his wife, Shirley, who was an assistant producer on that show and later became a production coordinator on Barney Miller. Today, they live in Bluffton, South Carolina.
Next week: Were Hope and Crosby as friendly off-screen as they appeared on it?
Order THE LAUGH MAKERS on line:
http://www.amazon.com/LAUGH-MAKERS-Behind-Scenes-Incredible/product-reviews/1593933231/ref=cm_cr_pr_link_2?ie=UTF8&showViewpoints=0&pageNumber=2
Also available in an unabridged audio version read by the author:
http://www.audible.com/adbl/site/products/ProductDetail.jsp?BV_SessionID=@@@@0545479184.1272211432@@@@&BV_EngineID=cccjadekfdmleefcefecekjdffidfmf.0&productID=BK_BEAR_000001
UK orders:
http://www.audible.co.uk/aduk/site/product.jsp?p=BK_BEAR_000001UK&BV_SessionID=@@@@1904657385.1272326590@@@@&BV_EngineID=cccgadekffeehdjcefecekjdfikdffg.0
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THE LAUGH MAKERS: A Leonard Maltin "Top 20" Year End Pick!
DOLORES HOPE MEDLEY
DOLORES HOPE "Silver Bells" (with Bob)
BOB HOPE'S 1983 U.S. COLLEGE CAMPUS TOUR: Your Alma Mater Here?
"Having spent twenty years writing for the indefatigable Bob Hope, and traveling all over the world, Bob Mills is well qualified to salute the famous corps of gag men who kept the comedian knee-deep in jokes. These first-hand recollections summon up the final phase of Hope’s career—and the end of the trail for an entire brand of show business."
http://www.leonardmaltin.com/2009YearEndBookSurvey.htm
http://www.leonardmaltin.com/2009YearEndBookSurvey.htm
Even Animals Love "THE YouTube WORLDWIDE NEWS"!
THE LAUGH MAKERS is now on KINDLE! (And Kindle equipped devices)
Download THE LAUGH MAKERS to your Kindle within one minute (for $2.99) by clicking on this link:
http://www.amazon.com/dp/B0041D9EPO
And if you're not yet a Kindle owner, when you purchase your new lower-priced Kindle with a capacity of 3500 books, be sure to sign up for our daily blog so you won't miss one issue of the web's most entertaining and insightful comments on the day's events... or a single serialized installment of THE LAUGH MAKERS. Order your Kindle today!
WakiLeaks: History Declassified 2000 (Vol. One) is now available on Kindle for $2.99
Compiled from Bob's newsletter "Funnyside Up" published in 2000. This is a yuck and chuckle-filled stroll down memory lane to a time before the Bush administration had inflicted its damage -- a time before the search for WMDs and Osama bin Laden. See what we were laughing at back then, who was in the news and who had yet to enter rehab -- which NFL stars had yet to do time in the Gray Bar Hotel.
http://www.amazon.com/dp/B004IZLXIQ
http://www.amazon.com/dp/B0041D9EPO
And if you're not yet a Kindle owner, when you purchase your new lower-priced Kindle with a capacity of 3500 books, be sure to sign up for our daily blog so you won't miss one issue of the web's most entertaining and insightful comments on the day's events... or a single serialized installment of THE LAUGH MAKERS. Order your Kindle today!
WakiLeaks: History Declassified 2000 (Vol. One) is now available on Kindle for $2.99
Compiled from Bob's newsletter "Funnyside Up" published in 2000. This is a yuck and chuckle-filled stroll down memory lane to a time before the Bush administration had inflicted its damage -- a time before the search for WMDs and Osama bin Laden. See what we were laughing at back then, who was in the news and who had yet to enter rehab -- which NFL stars had yet to do time in the Gray Bar Hotel.
http://www.amazon.com/dp/B004IZLXIQ