SHANGHAI (BBC) - The Peoples Republic of China has launched the largest world's fair in history featuring exhibits from every major country. At the Pavilion of the Americas, visitors from the U.S. can ride the “Debt-O-Rama” -- a breathtaking roller coaster ride through huge stacks of currency representing the money we owe them.
TORONTO (BBC) - A study of 1200 children conducted by the Institute of Child Study at Toronto University shows that the earlier toddlers learn to tell lies, the more successful they’ll be in life. To further support their findings, researchers were able to obtain school records from 1942 showing that little Bernie Madoff sold the school’s jungle gym to six unsuspecting kindergartners for their milk money.
HOLLYWOOD (BBC) - The highly-touted Robin Hood starring Russell Crowe which reportedly cost $155 million to make fell short of expectations in its opening weekend netting a paltry $37.1 million. Robin would have done better but, in keeping with the spirit of the film, Universal donated $8 million to films performing even more poorly like Date Night.
SOUTH LAKE TAHOE, CA (AP) - School district officials are investigation allegations that South Tahoe High’s softball coach Anneliese Neitling made players who struck out during an important game against Reno’s Wooster High drink soda out of a shoe. Worse, she made the losing pitcher suck it through one of her sweat socks.
PARIS (BBC) - Opting to avoid the restrictions of a church wedding, two-thirds as many French couples are by-passing the traditional marriage license in favor of the new “Pacte Civil de Solidarite,” which is French for “Don’t expect him to give up his custom Jaguar or his mistress.”
_______________________________
Excerpted From THE LAUGH MAKERS
Armed with one of the longest monologues he’d ever deliver, and with 8,300 Aussie fans cheering wildly, Hope strode on stage dressed in a crisp, beige linen suit.
* I can’t tell you how happy I am to be here in Perth, the most isolated city on earth. Now I know why you didn’t send a man to the moon — you’re on it.
* Perth is strategically located — between nowhere and nothing.
* It’s such a long flight from Los Angeles, by the time we got here, I was starting to look like my passport picture.
* I love to fly, but I have a terrible fear of being hijacked to a country where they never heard of me.
That line was strangely prophetic. A little over a year later, along with his wife, Dolores, Gig and me, Hope would carry his own luggage from a China Airlines 707 that had just touched down at the Peking Airport. Thanks to a welcoming committee that had been delayed, one of the most recognizable faces in the world would belong to just another visiting American.
* And Perth has to be the friendliest city in the world. Yesterday, I saw two lobsters propositioning a kangaroo.
Perched on the far western edge of Australia’s vast Outback, the city is a demarcation point between that dusty red desert and the Indian Ocean and supports enough indigenous wildlife to keep Crocodile Dundee in business indefinitely.
* And you have such clean air here. My lungs aren’t used to it. This morning, they got up two hours before I did.
*The water here is so clear, I hear the shark from Jaws has to swim all the way to New Guinea just to change his shorts. Is that right?
Great Whites call the Indian Ocean home, so any reference to Peter Benchley’s heart-stopping classic was sure to draw a tremendous reaction.
* And there’s no air or water pollution in Perth. Where have you gone wrong?
Considered one of the most desirable areas in Australia, the city of Perth looks like what one imagines — someone my age anyway — Los Angeles must have been like in the twenties.
* I can’t tell you how happy I am to be standing here on the stage of the biggest theater in the world, with eighty-three-hundred seats. The last twelve rows are in Indonesia.
Though maybe not as far away as Jakarta, the uppermost rows were a good 300 feet from the stage which meant that, for our sketches to be seen and understood by the entire audience, we’d have to use simple sets and readily identifiable props.
* These audiences are great, but Australians drink so much beer, you’re talking to more people in the aisles than in the seats.
* No, I love the beer here. One sip and you don’t feel old anymore. Two sips and you don’t feel anything anymore.
These were not exaggerations. Down under, beer is the oil of industry. Our rooms at the posh Parmelia Hotel were equipped with small refrigerators in which daily appeared two complimentary quarts of Swan Lager, an Aussie favorite. Like clockwork, at around nine, in would pop a jaunty bellman who’d grab a bottle and ask, “Can I uncork one for you, mate?” To decline would have been ungracious toward our hosts. Wouldn’t it?
* I’ve never seen so many beautiful girls. Perth wasn’t only the first city the astronauts saw from space — it was the first one they looked for.
* And the beaches here are so safe. The life guards give every girl mouth-to-mouth resuscitation — whether she needs it or not.
Aside from its gorgeous women, Australia boasts the best-trained lifeguards in the world. While shooting segments for the show on the beach, crack teams of them could be seen drilling nearby, racing through the surf in longboats. Matching the Aussies’ love of the water is a great respect for its power.
Of course, Hope wasn’t about to spend two weeks in a foreign land without his sticks.
* I love your golf courses. Yesterday, I had a great caddy. He was carrying my clubs in a pouch.
* On the third hole, my ball was okay, but my caddie took a bad hop.
* But it worked out great. He could run faster than I could hit.
(Tomorrow: The gang goes through Customs -- with a by-the-book Customs officer.)
Order THE LAUGH MAKERS on line:
http://www.amazon.com/LAUGH-MAKERS-Behind-Scenes-Incredible/product-reviews/1593933231/ref=cm_cr_pr_link_2?ie=UTF8&showViewpoints=0&pageNumber=2
Also available in an unabridged audio version read by the author:
http://www.audible.com/adbl/site/products/ProductDetail.jsp?BV_SessionID=@@@@0545479184.1272211432@@@@&BV_EngineID=cccjadekfdmleefcefecekjdffidfmf.0&productID=BK_BEAR_000001
UK orders:
http://www.audible.co.uk/aduk/site/product.jsp?p=BK_BEAR_000001UK&BV_SessionID=@@@@1904657385.1272326590@@@@&BV_EngineID=cccgadekffeehdjcefecekjdfikdffg.0
A Longtime Bob Hope Joke Writer Presents Daily Insightful Topical Satire Of Current Events (Illustrated) Plus Rare Photos From Hollywood's Bygone Era And Excerpts From THE LAUGH MAKERS By Robert L. Mills -- Color Photos From the Book and Rare Classic Vintage Video Clips! Send Your Show Biz Questions to "ASK BOB" at: TheLaughMakers@GMail.com
;
MONDAY, May 17, 2010
NEW ORLEANS (AP) - British Petroleum will try a new approach to plugging the oil leak that involves forcing a six-inch wide tube into the 21-inch opening inserted deeply enough to siphon oil to a waiting tanker. A BP engineer got the idea while on medical leave preparing for a colonoscopy.
CHICAGO (AP) - Tribune media Services has announced that “Little Orphan Annie,” the iconic cartoon strip that has been the subject of a hit Broadway musical and several movies featuring Annie, her dog Sandy, and Daddy Warbucks, will end publication on June 16. After 80 years, the sun won’t come up tomorrow.
ODESSA, TX (AP) - A twenty-two year old man posing as a 16-year old high school basketball player led Permian High to the Texas state championships. Guerdwich Montimere was was exposed only after he bought his wife a diamond ring after she caught him at the Senior prom with another girl.
CANNES (BBC) - Promoting his new film You will meet a Tall dark Stranger, Woody Allen told reporters, “My relationship with death remains the same. I’m against it.” Discussing the theme of the film which he directed but doesn’t appear in, Allen didn’t repeat his famous line of the 1960s: “I’m not afraid to die. I just don’t want to be there when it happens.”
PHILADELPHIA (BBC) - Postal inspectors discovered 20,000 pieces of mail containing checks, bills and official letters dating back to 1997, stored in the garage of a postman who couldn‘t manage to finish his route each day. Problem was, nobody at the post office took the complaints seriously until he got about ten years behind.
_______________________________
Excerpted From THE LAUGH MAKERS
Hope specials had been airing regularly, averaging eight-to twelve hours per year, for close to a quarter-century, and they had become, not surprisingly, not very special anymore. So at the behest of Texaco, with whom he had signed a new three-year contract, he agreed to take the show on the road, warming up with a journey to London for 1977’s America Salutes the Queen. Returning home with symptoms of travel bug-itis, he immediately laid plans to take the show to the land Down Under — Australia. He put the two-hour special in the hands of an experienced, Australian-born producer named Chris Bearde — again, bowing to his sponsor, Texaco, who preferred he hire separate producers for each special. The critically acclaimed tour which included stops in Auckland, New Zealand; Sydney; Adelaide; Brisbane; Melbourne and Perth would prove to be a major turning point for the Bob Hope Show, which suddenly acquired wings and could turn up at just about any spot on the globe.
At our production meeting with Chris Bearde, we decided to attack the land of the boomerang on two fronts — the main portion of the show would be taped at the just-completed, 8,300-seat Perth Entertainment Center on the far western coast of the continent. On his way there, Hope would detour to perform monologues at each satellite city along the way. Using the same process he had successfully developed for the overseas Christmas tours, Hope made sure that the writers were well-provided with background information on each city he would visit. Gig, Charlie and I would share writing credit with Bearde and a friend he’d worked with on a few previous shows, David Letterman. Dave was and still is a member of the Writers Guild of America (he paid his writers during the Guild strike in 2007), and that year needed a writing assignment to keep his Guild health insurance current. Having Dave on board wasn’t unusual. Our regular crew was often joined by writers who were brought in by the producers.
Our flight from Los Angeles to Perth would take twenty-three hours, and on board our Quantas 747 were guest stars Barbara Eden, Florence Henderson and Charo as well as twenty Hope staffers that included Les Brown’s musical arranger, Bob Alberti , makeup man Don Marando and Hope’s longtime cue card wizard, Barney McNulty. Eighteen hours after lifting off at LAX, we touched down in Sydney for a two-hour refueling stop before completing the five-hour hop to Perth. The Aussies’ welcome was as warm as the water of the half-mile wide Swan River that flows through the pristine city’s center. I Dream of Jeannie and The Brady Bunch were still in their first runs on Australian TV, so from the moment they stepped off the plane, Barbara and Florence were stalked by screaming, autograph-seeking fans.
(Tomorrow: Hope wows the Aussies with a tailor-made monologue)
Order THE LAUGH MAKERS on line:
http://www.amazon.com/LAUGH-MAKERS-Behind-Scenes-Incredible/product-reviews/1593933231/ref=cm_cr_pr_link_2?ie=UTF8&showViewpoints=0&pageNumber=2
Also available in an unabridged audio version read by the author:
http://www.audible.com/adbl/site/products/ProductDetail.jsp?BV_SessionID=@@@@0545479184.1272211432@@@@&BV_EngineID=cccjadekfdmleefcefecekjdffidfmf.0&productID=BK_BEAR_000001
UK orders:
http://www.audible.co.uk/aduk/site/product.jsp?p=BK_BEAR_000001UK&BV_SessionID=@@@@1904657385.1272326590@@@@&BV_EngineID=cccgadekffeehdjcefecekjdfikdffg.0
CHICAGO (AP) - Tribune media Services has announced that “Little Orphan Annie,” the iconic cartoon strip that has been the subject of a hit Broadway musical and several movies featuring Annie, her dog Sandy, and Daddy Warbucks, will end publication on June 16. After 80 years, the sun won’t come up tomorrow.
ODESSA, TX (AP) - A twenty-two year old man posing as a 16-year old high school basketball player led Permian High to the Texas state championships. Guerdwich Montimere was was exposed only after he bought his wife a diamond ring after she caught him at the Senior prom with another girl.
CANNES (BBC) - Promoting his new film You will meet a Tall dark Stranger, Woody Allen told reporters, “My relationship with death remains the same. I’m against it.” Discussing the theme of the film which he directed but doesn’t appear in, Allen didn’t repeat his famous line of the 1960s: “I’m not afraid to die. I just don’t want to be there when it happens.”
PHILADELPHIA (BBC) - Postal inspectors discovered 20,000 pieces of mail containing checks, bills and official letters dating back to 1997, stored in the garage of a postman who couldn‘t manage to finish his route each day. Problem was, nobody at the post office took the complaints seriously until he got about ten years behind.
_______________________________
Excerpted From THE LAUGH MAKERS
Hope specials had been airing regularly, averaging eight-to twelve hours per year, for close to a quarter-century, and they had become, not surprisingly, not very special anymore. So at the behest of Texaco, with whom he had signed a new three-year contract, he agreed to take the show on the road, warming up with a journey to London for 1977’s America Salutes the Queen. Returning home with symptoms of travel bug-itis, he immediately laid plans to take the show to the land Down Under — Australia. He put the two-hour special in the hands of an experienced, Australian-born producer named Chris Bearde — again, bowing to his sponsor, Texaco, who preferred he hire separate producers for each special. The critically acclaimed tour which included stops in Auckland, New Zealand; Sydney; Adelaide; Brisbane; Melbourne and Perth would prove to be a major turning point for the Bob Hope Show, which suddenly acquired wings and could turn up at just about any spot on the globe.
At our production meeting with Chris Bearde, we decided to attack the land of the boomerang on two fronts — the main portion of the show would be taped at the just-completed, 8,300-seat Perth Entertainment Center on the far western coast of the continent. On his way there, Hope would detour to perform monologues at each satellite city along the way. Using the same process he had successfully developed for the overseas Christmas tours, Hope made sure that the writers were well-provided with background information on each city he would visit. Gig, Charlie and I would share writing credit with Bearde and a friend he’d worked with on a few previous shows, David Letterman. Dave was and still is a member of the Writers Guild of America (he paid his writers during the Guild strike in 2007), and that year needed a writing assignment to keep his Guild health insurance current. Having Dave on board wasn’t unusual. Our regular crew was often joined by writers who were brought in by the producers.
Our flight from Los Angeles to Perth would take twenty-three hours, and on board our Quantas 747 were guest stars Barbara Eden, Florence Henderson and Charo as well as twenty Hope staffers that included Les Brown’s musical arranger, Bob Alberti , makeup man Don Marando and Hope’s longtime cue card wizard, Barney McNulty. Eighteen hours after lifting off at LAX, we touched down in Sydney for a two-hour refueling stop before completing the five-hour hop to Perth. The Aussies’ welcome was as warm as the water of the half-mile wide Swan River that flows through the pristine city’s center. I Dream of Jeannie and The Brady Bunch were still in their first runs on Australian TV, so from the moment they stepped off the plane, Barbara and Florence were stalked by screaming, autograph-seeking fans.
(Tomorrow: Hope wows the Aussies with a tailor-made monologue)
Order THE LAUGH MAKERS on line:
http://www.amazon.com/LAUGH-MAKERS-Behind-Scenes-Incredible/product-reviews/1593933231/ref=cm_cr_pr_link_2?ie=UTF8&showViewpoints=0&pageNumber=2
Also available in an unabridged audio version read by the author:
http://www.audible.com/adbl/site/products/ProductDetail.jsp?BV_SessionID=@@@@0545479184.1272211432@@@@&BV_EngineID=cccjadekfdmleefcefecekjdffidfmf.0&productID=BK_BEAR_000001
UK orders:
http://www.audible.co.uk/aduk/site/product.jsp?p=BK_BEAR_000001UK&BV_SessionID=@@@@1904657385.1272326590@@@@&BV_EngineID=cccgadekffeehdjcefecekjdfikdffg.0
FRI, SAT, SUN, May 14, 15, 16
DR. DIGIT'S BLASTS From The PAST From our issue dated May 16, 2000
The Cleveland Plain Dealer is conducting a contest to replace the ACLU challenged state motto: "With God All Things Are Possible." Leading the suggestions so far, "Ohio -- Iowa Without That Interminable Nightlife."
The folks at Mattel have launched their "Barbie For President" campaign hoping to sell plenty of their $240 Presidential Candidate Barbies. Let's hope she does better than Liddy did.
The British Parliament is on the verge of removing the 11 p.m. closing requirement of pubs that's been in effect for 80 years. Now if they can just keep those dentists' offices open a little later.
To bolster slumping sales, Coca-Cola will sack 5200 employees worldwide. Their new slogan: "The Pink Slip That Refreshes."
Until next time, I leave you with the immortal words of Mrs. Francis Scott Key who reportedly said to Frank, "Oh say can you see... you left the toilet seat up again."
_______________________________
Excerpted From THE LAUGH MAKERS
Were Hope and Crosby Friends Off-Screen?
Bob and Bing met while working in vaudeville. A mutual friend who thought they would compliment each other on stage, introduced them. The friend was correct -- they seemed to have an immediate rapport and enjoyed visiting each other on the circuit where they would do short comedy bits called “cross-overs” (i.e., Two lawyers running into each other… they meet center stage and pick each other’s pocket.) A producer at Paramount Pictures Corporation in Hollywood happened to see them on stage together and sensed they might be able to transfer the chemistry they shared from stage to screen. Thus, the “road” pictures were born -- a collaboration that would prove to be one of the most successful film franchises in the history of Hollywood.
On the night of October 14, 1977, only two months after I had joined Bob Hope’s writing staff, the phone in our Burbank condo rang. It was Hope calling from New York’s Waldorf-Astoria Hotel where he had just learned that Bing Crosby had suffered a fatal heart attack while playing golf in Spain. He said he was suffering from the worst headache he’d ever endured, had canceled the show that was scheduled that night in New Jersey (Bill Cosby subbed for him), and was flying straight home. News of Bing’s death stunned Hope since both were the same age (born twenty-seven days apart in 1903) and, while not the pals the Road pictures had led the public to believe — they seldom saw each other socially — they had been inordinately successful business partners and shared a mutual respect.
In the mid-forties, Hope had teamed up with Bing to buy a Texas oil well with some of their movie profits. Soon, the black gold began gushing in and a vial of it was still on display in Hope’s Toluca Lake office. Aside from sharing a mutual love of golf -- Bing was a 3 handicap, Hope an 8 -- both enjoyed baseball and once owned shares in the Cleveland Indians baseball team and constantly advised each other of investment opportunities. In fact, Hope told me once that in the early 40s, when both hosted successful radio shows (Bing‘s was called “The Kraft Music Hall“) and the road pictures were packing them in, their weekly income could reach $150,000. “We couldn’t invest it fast enough,” he confessed.
While interacting on the screen, both performers seemed a lot alike. In truth, they were not. Hope was gregarious and enjoyed his fans while Bing was more of a loner, preferring to get his work done so he could get back to the tenth tee. Between takes on a movie set, Hope enjoyed exchanging banter with the crew working behind the camera and counted many of them among his friends. Bing, on the other hand, was notorious for sitting by himself, engaged in some lone activity like checking race results to see how his horses had done. In truth, Hope was something short of the “hail-fellow-well-met” that he appeared to be on the screen, but hardly the icy tycoon that some in Hollywood imagined him to be — a characterization that could, at times, accurately describe his pal, Bing. In the early forties, the Friars’ Club, an exclusive fraternity of successful actors and comedians, decided to honor Hope with a roast. Though a seat on the dais had been reserved for him, Bing, a Friars’ board member, failed to show up. Later, when asked by a reporter why he hadn’t attended Hope’s roast, Bing replied, “I wasn’t hungry.”
(Next week: Hope opens the Perth Entertainment Center in 1978)
_________________________
Order THE LAUGH MAKERS on line:
http://www.amazon.com/LAUGH-MAKERS-Behind-Scenes-Incredible/product-reviews/1593933231/ref=cm_cr_pr_link_2?ie=UTF8&showViewpoints=0&pageNumber=2
Also available in an unabridged audio version read by the author:
http://www.audible.com/adbl/site/products/ProductDetail.jsp?BV_SessionID=@@@@0545479184.1272211432@@@@&BV_EngineID=cccjadekfdmleefcefecekjdffidfmf.0&productID=BK_BEAR_000001
UK orders:
http://www.audible.co.uk/aduk/site/product.jsp?p=BK_BEAR_000001UK&BV_SessionID=@@@@1904657385.1272326590@@@@&BV_EngineID=cccgadekffeehdjcefecekjdfikdffg.0
The Cleveland Plain Dealer is conducting a contest to replace the ACLU challenged state motto: "With God All Things Are Possible." Leading the suggestions so far, "Ohio -- Iowa Without That Interminable Nightlife."
The folks at Mattel have launched their "Barbie For President" campaign hoping to sell plenty of their $240 Presidential Candidate Barbies. Let's hope she does better than Liddy did.
The British Parliament is on the verge of removing the 11 p.m. closing requirement of pubs that's been in effect for 80 years. Now if they can just keep those dentists' offices open a little later.
To bolster slumping sales, Coca-Cola will sack 5200 employees worldwide. Their new slogan: "The Pink Slip That Refreshes."
Until next time, I leave you with the immortal words of Mrs. Francis Scott Key who reportedly said to Frank, "Oh say can you see... you left the toilet seat up again."
_______________________________
Excerpted From THE LAUGH MAKERS
Were Hope and Crosby Friends Off-Screen?
Bob and Bing met while working in vaudeville. A mutual friend who thought they would compliment each other on stage, introduced them. The friend was correct -- they seemed to have an immediate rapport and enjoyed visiting each other on the circuit where they would do short comedy bits called “cross-overs” (i.e., Two lawyers running into each other… they meet center stage and pick each other’s pocket.) A producer at Paramount Pictures Corporation in Hollywood happened to see them on stage together and sensed they might be able to transfer the chemistry they shared from stage to screen. Thus, the “road” pictures were born -- a collaboration that would prove to be one of the most successful film franchises in the history of Hollywood.
On the night of October 14, 1977, only two months after I had joined Bob Hope’s writing staff, the phone in our Burbank condo rang. It was Hope calling from New York’s Waldorf-Astoria Hotel where he had just learned that Bing Crosby had suffered a fatal heart attack while playing golf in Spain. He said he was suffering from the worst headache he’d ever endured, had canceled the show that was scheduled that night in New Jersey (Bill Cosby subbed for him), and was flying straight home. News of Bing’s death stunned Hope since both were the same age (born twenty-seven days apart in 1903) and, while not the pals the Road pictures had led the public to believe — they seldom saw each other socially — they had been inordinately successful business partners and shared a mutual respect.
In the mid-forties, Hope had teamed up with Bing to buy a Texas oil well with some of their movie profits. Soon, the black gold began gushing in and a vial of it was still on display in Hope’s Toluca Lake office. Aside from sharing a mutual love of golf -- Bing was a 3 handicap, Hope an 8 -- both enjoyed baseball and once owned shares in the Cleveland Indians baseball team and constantly advised each other of investment opportunities. In fact, Hope told me once that in the early 40s, when both hosted successful radio shows (Bing‘s was called “The Kraft Music Hall“) and the road pictures were packing them in, their weekly income could reach $150,000. “We couldn’t invest it fast enough,” he confessed.
While interacting on the screen, both performers seemed a lot alike. In truth, they were not. Hope was gregarious and enjoyed his fans while Bing was more of a loner, preferring to get his work done so he could get back to the tenth tee. Between takes on a movie set, Hope enjoyed exchanging banter with the crew working behind the camera and counted many of them among his friends. Bing, on the other hand, was notorious for sitting by himself, engaged in some lone activity like checking race results to see how his horses had done. In truth, Hope was something short of the “hail-fellow-well-met” that he appeared to be on the screen, but hardly the icy tycoon that some in Hollywood imagined him to be — a characterization that could, at times, accurately describe his pal, Bing. In the early forties, the Friars’ Club, an exclusive fraternity of successful actors and comedians, decided to honor Hope with a roast. Though a seat on the dais had been reserved for him, Bing, a Friars’ board member, failed to show up. Later, when asked by a reporter why he hadn’t attended Hope’s roast, Bing replied, “I wasn’t hungry.”
(Next week: Hope opens the Perth Entertainment Center in 1978)
_________________________
Order THE LAUGH MAKERS on line:
http://www.amazon.com/LAUGH-MAKERS-Behind-Scenes-Incredible/product-reviews/1593933231/ref=cm_cr_pr_link_2?ie=UTF8&showViewpoints=0&pageNumber=2
Also available in an unabridged audio version read by the author:
http://www.audible.com/adbl/site/products/ProductDetail.jsp?BV_SessionID=@@@@0545479184.1272211432@@@@&BV_EngineID=cccjadekfdmleefcefecekjdffidfmf.0&productID=BK_BEAR_000001
UK orders:
http://www.audible.co.uk/aduk/site/product.jsp?p=BK_BEAR_000001UK&BV_SessionID=@@@@1904657385.1272326590@@@@&BV_EngineID=cccgadekffeehdjcefecekjdfikdffg.0
THURSDAY, May 13, 2010
LOS ANGELES (BBC) - A rare reel-to-reel recording of a Beatles interview taped at Toronto’s King Edward Hotel in 1966 in which John Lennon claims the group “is more popular than Jesus” will be auctioned in June. In the background, Yoko Ono can be heard yelling “And I’m more popular than the Blessed Virgin Mary!”
PHOENIX, AZ (AP) Arizona governor Jan Brewer signed a bill that removes any courses from the state’s schools that “advocate ethic solidarity and promote chauvinism and racial resentment toward whites.” She signed the law on the lawn of the state capital below a burning cross while wearing a pillow case with eye holes.
CANNES (BBC) - “Robin Hood” with Russell Crowe and Kate Blanchett, the opening film of the week-long Cannes Film Festival, has been slightly updated. While the story still takes place in Sherwood Forest, Robin now steals from sub-prime mortgage brokers and gives to first-time home buyers threatened by foreclosure.
NEWARK, NJ (BBC) The NBA has approved the sale of the cellar-dwelling New Jersey Nets to Russian billionaire Mikhail Prokhorov. Already, the players are complaining that he’s changed their jerseys to read “New Jersey Nyets,” the key is now called the “Kiev” and their Gatorade has been replaced by borscht.
ASUNCION, PARAGUAY (AP) - The government of Paraguay has withdrawn all support for Oscar-winner Katherine Bigelow’s latest film about the notorious drug-smuggling “triple border” adjoining Argentina and Brazil, saying “It would have an economic impact.” And rightly so. We’d miss the Super Bowl MVP announcing “I’m going to Paraguay!”
_______________________________
Excerpted From THE LAUGH MAKERS
In 1978, Ohio was celebrating its Golden Jubilee, and the dedication of the newly-refurbished Ohio Theater in Columbus where Hope had performed in vaudeville. Produced by Bob Banner, our hour-long special would include a parade in which Hope would be the Grand Marshal, capped by a black-tie, invitation-only stage show. It had been a long day for Hope, and on the evening of the performance, about a half-hour before the taping was set to begin, he was standing in the wings with his long-time manager Elliott Kozak. Most of the guests had already filed into their seats, and a pianist was playing a medley of Ohio-themed songs. Hope turned to Elliott and said, “Feel my pulse.” Elliott did and was alarmed by what he felt. Hope’s heart was racing at about two hundred beats per minute!
As Elliott led him back to his dressing room, Hope said he felt all right and had no chest pains. Regardless of the absence of heart attack symptoms, his heart was racing abnormally, so Elliott insisted he lie down. Banner was called in from the tech truck outside the theater and after speaking with Hope, told a production assistant to go out front — and without explaining why — locate the insurance executive whose company had sponsored the charity event. Banner wanted to avoid alarming the audience with the usual announcement that was sure to do just that. The insurance guy told the PA that a well-known cardiologist was on the guest list, but hadn’t arrived yet. She got his number. Banner called him and described Hope’s symptoms. The doctor told Banner to take Hope back to his hotel — just a block from the theater — where the heart specialist could examine him more thoroughly. With Hope still protesting that he felt fine, Banner and Elliott quietly slipped him out a side door.
Meanwhile, the audience — and most members of Hope’s staff — had no inkling of the emergency. Gig and I accompanied Hope to the hotel and went to our own rooms to stand by if needed. As Hope lay on the bed waiting for the doctor to arrive, Banner had second thoughts. Maybe they were being too cautious in their attempts to keep the episode under wraps. After all, Hope was 76. Banner dialed 911. Within minutes, fire engines, sirens blaring, pulled up to the hotel entrance. Watching them from our balconies, Gig and I thought the unthinkable had happened. We rushed to Hope’s suite where he was being examined by the cardiologist while the fire department ME’s stood by in case their equipment was needed. They were soon released by the doctor, and after they left, we learned that Hope had been diagnosed with nothing more than an episode of tachycardia — an anxiety attack. The doctor had reduced his racing heart rate by applying pressure on Hope’s femoral artery. He was back to normal.
We all returned to the theater where some of our guest stars had kept the audience entertained during the hour-long delay they blamed on “technical difficulties.” The taping proceeded without incident with Hope as emcee. Over Dolores’s objection, he did a few more personal appearances in the East, but when he returned home, he had a complete cardio-checkup at Burbank’s St. Joseph’s Hospital. His doctors declared that he was heart healthy, but he had to wear a device called a Holter monitor, which he wore for a week. Connected by phone to the hospital, it measured his heart activity in real time. I asked him one day how he was taking to having the electronic device
strapped to his belt. “No problem,” he said. “But every time I open Playboy, the phone rings.”
(Tomorrow: Were Hope and Crosby close friends off-screen?)
Order THE LAUGH MAKERS on line:
http://www.amazon.com/LAUGH-MAKERS-Behind-Scenes-Incredible/product-reviews/1593933231/ref=cm_cr_pr_link_2?ie=UTF8&showViewpoints=0&pageNumber=2
Also available in an unabridged audio version read by the author:
http://www.audible.com/adbl/site/products/ProductDetail.jsp?BV_SessionID=@@@@0545479184.1272211432@@@@&BV_EngineID=cccjadekfdmleefcefecekjdffidfmf.0&productID=BK_BEAR_000001
UK orders:
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PHOENIX, AZ (AP) Arizona governor Jan Brewer signed a bill that removes any courses from the state’s schools that “advocate ethic solidarity and promote chauvinism and racial resentment toward whites.” She signed the law on the lawn of the state capital below a burning cross while wearing a pillow case with eye holes.
CANNES (BBC) - “Robin Hood” with Russell Crowe and Kate Blanchett, the opening film of the week-long Cannes Film Festival, has been slightly updated. While the story still takes place in Sherwood Forest, Robin now steals from sub-prime mortgage brokers and gives to first-time home buyers threatened by foreclosure.
NEWARK, NJ (BBC) The NBA has approved the sale of the cellar-dwelling New Jersey Nets to Russian billionaire Mikhail Prokhorov. Already, the players are complaining that he’s changed their jerseys to read “New Jersey Nyets,” the key is now called the “Kiev” and their Gatorade has been replaced by borscht.
ASUNCION, PARAGUAY (AP) - The government of Paraguay has withdrawn all support for Oscar-winner Katherine Bigelow’s latest film about the notorious drug-smuggling “triple border” adjoining Argentina and Brazil, saying “It would have an economic impact.” And rightly so. We’d miss the Super Bowl MVP announcing “I’m going to Paraguay!”
_______________________________
Excerpted From THE LAUGH MAKERS
In 1978, Ohio was celebrating its Golden Jubilee, and the dedication of the newly-refurbished Ohio Theater in Columbus where Hope had performed in vaudeville. Produced by Bob Banner, our hour-long special would include a parade in which Hope would be the Grand Marshal, capped by a black-tie, invitation-only stage show. It had been a long day for Hope, and on the evening of the performance, about a half-hour before the taping was set to begin, he was standing in the wings with his long-time manager Elliott Kozak. Most of the guests had already filed into their seats, and a pianist was playing a medley of Ohio-themed songs. Hope turned to Elliott and said, “Feel my pulse.” Elliott did and was alarmed by what he felt. Hope’s heart was racing at about two hundred beats per minute!
As Elliott led him back to his dressing room, Hope said he felt all right and had no chest pains. Regardless of the absence of heart attack symptoms, his heart was racing abnormally, so Elliott insisted he lie down. Banner was called in from the tech truck outside the theater and after speaking with Hope, told a production assistant to go out front — and without explaining why — locate the insurance executive whose company had sponsored the charity event. Banner wanted to avoid alarming the audience with the usual announcement that was sure to do just that. The insurance guy told the PA that a well-known cardiologist was on the guest list, but hadn’t arrived yet. She got his number. Banner called him and described Hope’s symptoms. The doctor told Banner to take Hope back to his hotel — just a block from the theater — where the heart specialist could examine him more thoroughly. With Hope still protesting that he felt fine, Banner and Elliott quietly slipped him out a side door.
Meanwhile, the audience — and most members of Hope’s staff — had no inkling of the emergency. Gig and I accompanied Hope to the hotel and went to our own rooms to stand by if needed. As Hope lay on the bed waiting for the doctor to arrive, Banner had second thoughts. Maybe they were being too cautious in their attempts to keep the episode under wraps. After all, Hope was 76. Banner dialed 911. Within minutes, fire engines, sirens blaring, pulled up to the hotel entrance. Watching them from our balconies, Gig and I thought the unthinkable had happened. We rushed to Hope’s suite where he was being examined by the cardiologist while the fire department ME’s stood by in case their equipment was needed. They were soon released by the doctor, and after they left, we learned that Hope had been diagnosed with nothing more than an episode of tachycardia — an anxiety attack. The doctor had reduced his racing heart rate by applying pressure on Hope’s femoral artery. He was back to normal.
We all returned to the theater where some of our guest stars had kept the audience entertained during the hour-long delay they blamed on “technical difficulties.” The taping proceeded without incident with Hope as emcee. Over Dolores’s objection, he did a few more personal appearances in the East, but when he returned home, he had a complete cardio-checkup at Burbank’s St. Joseph’s Hospital. His doctors declared that he was heart healthy, but he had to wear a device called a Holter monitor, which he wore for a week. Connected by phone to the hospital, it measured his heart activity in real time. I asked him one day how he was taking to having the electronic device
strapped to his belt. “No problem,” he said. “But every time I open Playboy, the phone rings.”
(Tomorrow: Were Hope and Crosby close friends off-screen?)
Order THE LAUGH MAKERS on line:
http://www.amazon.com/LAUGH-MAKERS-Behind-Scenes-Incredible/product-reviews/1593933231/ref=cm_cr_pr_link_2?ie=UTF8&showViewpoints=0&pageNumber=2
Also available in an unabridged audio version read by the author:
http://www.audible.com/adbl/site/products/ProductDetail.jsp?BV_SessionID=@@@@0545479184.1272211432@@@@&BV_EngineID=cccjadekfdmleefcefecekjdffidfmf.0&productID=BK_BEAR_000001
UK orders:
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WEDNESDAY, May 12, 2010
GROTON, CT (AP) - Since the announcement that women would be allowed to serve on submarines for the first time, several shakedown cruises have been completed with no problems reported. Well, there was one. First time the captain yelled “Dive!” a gal replied “If you won’t tell us where we’re diving, can we at least ask someone for directions?”
LOS ANGELES (AP) - Under terms of the city’s firearms-buyback program, former gun owners collected a total of $198,000 in Ralph’s Supermarket gift cards -- $100 for each pistol or rifle surrendered and $200 per assault rifle. O.J. Simpson is anxiously awaiting the knife buy-back program.
ROME (BBC) - Italy hosted its first “divorce fair,” to help couples untying the knot in a country where until recently, the Catholic Church has kept the divorce rate low. The week-long schedule of workshops, panel discussions and seminars began with keynote speeches by Elizabeth Taylor and Larry King.
LOS ANGELES (AP) - The Los Angeles Zoo’s Reggie the Alligator, a 20-year old lifelong bachelor who eluded wildlife officers for months until his capture in a nearby lake, has a new pen-mate -- 40-year old Cajun Kate. Keepers aren’t concerned about their age difference, but just in case, they’ve hired Ashton Kucher as a technical advisor.
NEW YORK (BBC) - Twitter has patched a major bug that allowed users to add others to their list of followers without their consent or to remove followers from others’ Twitter sites. In non-tech terms, a Twitterer could have lost so many of his Tweetees, that he might have been forced to get a life.
_______________________________
Excerpted From THE LAUGH MAKERS
One year, we taped a Halloween special on which one of the guests was Cassandra Peterson, well-known as a Charles Addams-like character named Elvira. She appeared in a parody of the popular sitcom Cheers as a customer in the bar opposite Hope as the show’s bartender, Coach. In our sketch, Cassandra entered the bar, looked Hope up and down, and said, “Nice job. Who’s your undertaker?”
The special was set to air on Sunday night but on Friday, Nick Callesandro, the actor who played “Coach” on Cheers, suffered a sudden heart attack at his home in Burbank and died. Minutes after the grim news was broadcast, my phone rang. It was Hope with instructions to call the writers and have them begin working on a replacement line that could be dubbed onto the master tape, which had already been delivered to the network. In the meantime, he said, he would notify Cassandra to meet us at the sound studio for the emergency-looping session. The line we were to come up with not only had to make sense in the context of the sketch, but it also had to match as closely as possible the actress’s lip movements.
We tried five or six replacements until everyone settled on “Nice job. Did your makeup man quit?” The syllables matched perfectly and even on a large studio monitor, it was difficult to tell that her voice had been dubbed. It was only a small change, but Hope had gone to the trouble and expense of fixing the line, knowing that failure to do so might make him appear crass and unfeeling to a television audience unaware that segments of so-called “live” shows are often taped well-in-advance. When it came to protecting his image in the eyes of the public, Hope’s judgment was usually sound.
(Tomorrow: The night we thought Hope had a heart attack…)
Order THE LAUGH MAKERS on line:
http://www.amazon.com/LAUGH-MAKERS-Behind-Scenes-Incredible/product-reviews/1593933231/ref=cm_cr_pr_link_2?ie=UTF8&showViewpoints=0&pageNumber=2
Also available in an unabridged audio version read by the author:
http://www.audible.com/adbl/site/products/ProductDetail.jsp?BV_SessionID=@@@@0545479184.1272211432@@@@&BV_EngineID=cccjadekfdmleefcefecekjdffidfmf.0&productID=BK_BEAR_000001
UK orders:
http://www.audible.co.uk/aduk/site/product.jsp?p=BK_BEAR_000001UK&BV_SessionID=@@@@1904657385.1272326590@@@@&BV_EngineID=cccgadekffeehdjcefecekjdfikdffg.0
LOS ANGELES (AP) - Under terms of the city’s firearms-buyback program, former gun owners collected a total of $198,000 in Ralph’s Supermarket gift cards -- $100 for each pistol or rifle surrendered and $200 per assault rifle. O.J. Simpson is anxiously awaiting the knife buy-back program.
ROME (BBC) - Italy hosted its first “divorce fair,” to help couples untying the knot in a country where until recently, the Catholic Church has kept the divorce rate low. The week-long schedule of workshops, panel discussions and seminars began with keynote speeches by Elizabeth Taylor and Larry King.
LOS ANGELES (AP) - The Los Angeles Zoo’s Reggie the Alligator, a 20-year old lifelong bachelor who eluded wildlife officers for months until his capture in a nearby lake, has a new pen-mate -- 40-year old Cajun Kate. Keepers aren’t concerned about their age difference, but just in case, they’ve hired Ashton Kucher as a technical advisor.
NEW YORK (BBC) - Twitter has patched a major bug that allowed users to add others to their list of followers without their consent or to remove followers from others’ Twitter sites. In non-tech terms, a Twitterer could have lost so many of his Tweetees, that he might have been forced to get a life.
_______________________________
Excerpted From THE LAUGH MAKERS
One year, we taped a Halloween special on which one of the guests was Cassandra Peterson, well-known as a Charles Addams-like character named Elvira. She appeared in a parody of the popular sitcom Cheers as a customer in the bar opposite Hope as the show’s bartender, Coach. In our sketch, Cassandra entered the bar, looked Hope up and down, and said, “Nice job. Who’s your undertaker?”
The special was set to air on Sunday night but on Friday, Nick Callesandro, the actor who played “Coach” on Cheers, suffered a sudden heart attack at his home in Burbank and died. Minutes after the grim news was broadcast, my phone rang. It was Hope with instructions to call the writers and have them begin working on a replacement line that could be dubbed onto the master tape, which had already been delivered to the network. In the meantime, he said, he would notify Cassandra to meet us at the sound studio for the emergency-looping session. The line we were to come up with not only had to make sense in the context of the sketch, but it also had to match as closely as possible the actress’s lip movements.
We tried five or six replacements until everyone settled on “Nice job. Did your makeup man quit?” The syllables matched perfectly and even on a large studio monitor, it was difficult to tell that her voice had been dubbed. It was only a small change, but Hope had gone to the trouble and expense of fixing the line, knowing that failure to do so might make him appear crass and unfeeling to a television audience unaware that segments of so-called “live” shows are often taped well-in-advance. When it came to protecting his image in the eyes of the public, Hope’s judgment was usually sound.
(Tomorrow: The night we thought Hope had a heart attack…)
Order THE LAUGH MAKERS on line:
http://www.amazon.com/LAUGH-MAKERS-Behind-Scenes-Incredible/product-reviews/1593933231/ref=cm_cr_pr_link_2?ie=UTF8&showViewpoints=0&pageNumber=2
Also available in an unabridged audio version read by the author:
http://www.audible.com/adbl/site/products/ProductDetail.jsp?BV_SessionID=@@@@0545479184.1272211432@@@@&BV_EngineID=cccjadekfdmleefcefecekjdffidfmf.0&productID=BK_BEAR_000001
UK orders:
http://www.audible.co.uk/aduk/site/product.jsp?p=BK_BEAR_000001UK&BV_SessionID=@@@@1904657385.1272326590@@@@&BV_EngineID=cccgadekffeehdjcefecekjdfikdffg.0
TUESDAY, May 11, 2010
WASHINGTON (BBC) - President Obama has named Solicitor General Elena Kagan to replace the retiring John Paul Stevens on the US Supreme Court. Despite her impeccable academic credentials, Republican lawmakers are already objecting to her lack of judicial experience -- she’s never addressed litigants or grilled attorneys from the bench. But then neither has Clarence Thomas so she should be okay.
YUMA, AZ (AP) - Investigating an outbreak of E. coli in three states, FDA agents traced the infection to a lettuce farm that had shipped produce to fast food chains where the victims were known to have eaten. ACLU attorneys immediately filed suit accusing the government of bacterially profiling Ronald McDonald, Colonel Sanders and the clown at Jack in the Box.
LONDON (BBC) - Using a complex scoring system, scientists report in the Journal Conservation that they determined that the brown rat inflicts the greatest damage on the world’s ecology, impacting 5% of its gross product. Also ranked among the world’s most toxic mammals were sika deer, muskrats, and executives from British Petroleum.
HOLLYWOOD (AP) - “Babies,“ a new documentary from Focus Features which follows the first year of children from five different countries including Namibia, Korea and the US, graphically demonstrates how similar raising kids is throughout the world. On the day following all five births, the parents of each mailed in their applications to Harvard.
MOSCOW (BBC) - Providing graphic evidence that the Cold War is over, military troops from Great Britain, the U.S. and France joined 10,500 Russian troops marching in Red Square to celebrate the defeat of the Nazis in World War II. Adding to the festive air of international cooperation were military bands, tanks, missiles, planes, and giant inflatable balloons of Charlie Brown, Snoopy and Herman Goering.
_______________________________
Excerpted From THE LAUGH MAKERS (page 254)
(Continued from yesterday…) Shortly, word arrived directly from the palace — since preparations for the gala were set and invitations sent out, postponing the performance, ruled the monarch, would cause world-class headaches all around. The show, as they say, must go on. Where this old saw originated, I have no idea, but there are instances where it flies in the face of common sense, and this was, undoubtedly, one of them. Picture, if you will, taping the Colgate Comedy Hour just three days following the death of John Kennedy. Same problem — similar reaction. The entire Swedish nation had been plunged into mourning. On our drive from the airport, we could see people lining the street, carrying candles and placing bouquets of flowers at the spot on the frozen sidewalk where the popular prime minister had fallen. A pall hung over the capital — literally and figuratively. Ships in the harbor stood at anchor, rigid and icebound — prisoners of a climate that almost half the year chills the bones and, one suspects, is no small contributor to the highest suicide rate in all of Scandinavia.
But forget all that. The assembled glitterati applauded dutifully as the king and queen were escorted to the royal box. The show began with a rambling, largely incomprehensible introduction of Hope by Swedish actress Liv Ullman. It was obvious that she would have preferred being somewhere else, and who wouldn’t? Hope did his best to deliver his monologue, but had about as much luck getting laughs as an atheist at a Southern Baptist Convention. The evening’s slate of performers — Boy George and the Culture Club, Omar Sharif , Dolf Lundgren and Scott Grimes as well as Glen, Emanuel and Shirley — carried on like the pros they are, but the project was doomed from the start. It was like watching the lounge act on the Hindenburg. It was a wake with entertainment. We had written a sketch that cast Hope and Emmanuel Lewis, dressed in reindeer pelts and horned helmets, as a pair of Vikings on their annual spring plunder. As Gene Perret and I stood offstage, puzzled why our pillage jokes were drawing gasps, one of the Swedish technicians pointed out that we had named Hope’s character, Olaf. In the confusion, no one had caught what now appeared to be an insensitive joke. During a break, we told Hope what had happened and he immediately called a halt to the proceedings and apologized to the audience.
When our Swedish fiasco finally concluded and we were winging home to a much warmer Los Angeles, I remember thinking back — I should have known from the start that the trip would turn out to be jinxed. Excited over my first junket to a Scandinavian country, I arrived at LAX sans passport! A messenger from the Hope office was dispatched to deliver it, but to avoid a delayed departure, a representative from the airline soon arrived and announced that my California drivers license would do the trick! My passport would follow on the next flight — without me. I learned later that Sweden had waived their usual customs requirements because I was on a special assignment for the king! Proving once again that it pays to work for someone who’s close to kings.
Tomorrow: Another unexpected death disrupts the Bob Hope Show.
Order THE LAUGH MAKERS on line:
http://www.amazon.com/LAUGH-MAKERS-Behind-Scenes-Incredible/product-reviews/1593933231/ref=cm_cr_pr_link_2?ie=UTF8&showViewpoints=0&pageNumber=2
Also available in an unabridged audio version read by the author:
http://www.audible.com/adbl/site/products/ProductDetail.jsp?BV_SessionID=@@@@0545479184.1272211432@@@@&BV_EngineID=cccjadekfdmleefcefecekjdffidfmf.0&productID=BK_BEAR_000001
UK orders:
http://www.audible.co.uk/aduk/site/product.jsp?p=BK_BEAR_000001UK&BV_SessionID=@@@@1904657385.1272326590@@@@&BV_EngineID=cccgadekffeehdjcefecekjdfikdffg.0
YUMA, AZ (AP) - Investigating an outbreak of E. coli in three states, FDA agents traced the infection to a lettuce farm that had shipped produce to fast food chains where the victims were known to have eaten. ACLU attorneys immediately filed suit accusing the government of bacterially profiling Ronald McDonald, Colonel Sanders and the clown at Jack in the Box.
LONDON (BBC) - Using a complex scoring system, scientists report in the Journal Conservation that they determined that the brown rat inflicts the greatest damage on the world’s ecology, impacting 5% of its gross product. Also ranked among the world’s most toxic mammals were sika deer, muskrats, and executives from British Petroleum.
HOLLYWOOD (AP) - “Babies,“ a new documentary from Focus Features which follows the first year of children from five different countries including Namibia, Korea and the US, graphically demonstrates how similar raising kids is throughout the world. On the day following all five births, the parents of each mailed in their applications to Harvard.
MOSCOW (BBC) - Providing graphic evidence that the Cold War is over, military troops from Great Britain, the U.S. and France joined 10,500 Russian troops marching in Red Square to celebrate the defeat of the Nazis in World War II. Adding to the festive air of international cooperation were military bands, tanks, missiles, planes, and giant inflatable balloons of Charlie Brown, Snoopy and Herman Goering.
_______________________________
Excerpted From THE LAUGH MAKERS (page 254)
(Continued from yesterday…) Shortly, word arrived directly from the palace — since preparations for the gala were set and invitations sent out, postponing the performance, ruled the monarch, would cause world-class headaches all around. The show, as they say, must go on. Where this old saw originated, I have no idea, but there are instances where it flies in the face of common sense, and this was, undoubtedly, one of them. Picture, if you will, taping the Colgate Comedy Hour just three days following the death of John Kennedy. Same problem — similar reaction. The entire Swedish nation had been plunged into mourning. On our drive from the airport, we could see people lining the street, carrying candles and placing bouquets of flowers at the spot on the frozen sidewalk where the popular prime minister had fallen. A pall hung over the capital — literally and figuratively. Ships in the harbor stood at anchor, rigid and icebound — prisoners of a climate that almost half the year chills the bones and, one suspects, is no small contributor to the highest suicide rate in all of Scandinavia.
But forget all that. The assembled glitterati applauded dutifully as the king and queen were escorted to the royal box. The show began with a rambling, largely incomprehensible introduction of Hope by Swedish actress Liv Ullman. It was obvious that she would have preferred being somewhere else, and who wouldn’t? Hope did his best to deliver his monologue, but had about as much luck getting laughs as an atheist at a Southern Baptist Convention. The evening’s slate of performers — Boy George and the Culture Club, Omar Sharif , Dolf Lundgren and Scott Grimes as well as Glen, Emanuel and Shirley — carried on like the pros they are, but the project was doomed from the start. It was like watching the lounge act on the Hindenburg. It was a wake with entertainment. We had written a sketch that cast Hope and Emmanuel Lewis, dressed in reindeer pelts and horned helmets, as a pair of Vikings on their annual spring plunder. As Gene Perret and I stood offstage, puzzled why our pillage jokes were drawing gasps, one of the Swedish technicians pointed out that we had named Hope’s character, Olaf. In the confusion, no one had caught what now appeared to be an insensitive joke. During a break, we told Hope what had happened and he immediately called a halt to the proceedings and apologized to the audience.
When our Swedish fiasco finally concluded and we were winging home to a much warmer Los Angeles, I remember thinking back — I should have known from the start that the trip would turn out to be jinxed. Excited over my first junket to a Scandinavian country, I arrived at LAX sans passport! A messenger from the Hope office was dispatched to deliver it, but to avoid a delayed departure, a representative from the airline soon arrived and announced that my California drivers license would do the trick! My passport would follow on the next flight — without me. I learned later that Sweden had waived their usual customs requirements because I was on a special assignment for the king! Proving once again that it pays to work for someone who’s close to kings.
Tomorrow: Another unexpected death disrupts the Bob Hope Show.
Order THE LAUGH MAKERS on line:
http://www.amazon.com/LAUGH-MAKERS-Behind-Scenes-Incredible/product-reviews/1593933231/ref=cm_cr_pr_link_2?ie=UTF8&showViewpoints=0&pageNumber=2
Also available in an unabridged audio version read by the author:
http://www.audible.com/adbl/site/products/ProductDetail.jsp?BV_SessionID=@@@@0545479184.1272211432@@@@&BV_EngineID=cccjadekfdmleefcefecekjdffidfmf.0&productID=BK_BEAR_000001
UK orders:
http://www.audible.co.uk/aduk/site/product.jsp?p=BK_BEAR_000001UK&BV_SessionID=@@@@1904657385.1272326590@@@@&BV_EngineID=cccgadekffeehdjcefecekjdfikdffg.0
MONDAY, May 10, 2010
PONTE VEDRA BEACH, FL (PBS) - Tiger Woods abruptly withdrew from the Players Championship, complaining of a pain in his neck he told reporters was “probably a slipped disc.” After x-rays were taken however, doctors announced that the pain apparently came from the impacted head of a nine iron that they estimate has been there since last Thanksgiving.
NEW YORK (BBC) - The oldest performer ever to host “Saturday Night Live,” Betty White wowed fans and critics alike with her cutting edge “octo-monologue” and roles in several sketches. According to preliminary Nielsen figures, there were more nursing homes tuned to the show than for the final episode of “Murder, She Wrote.”
MANHATTAN (AP) NY Giants Hall of Famer Lawrence Taylor has pleaded guilty to paying $300 for sex in a suburban Holiday Inn with a 16-year old prostitute. Not even Tiger Woods frequented underage hookers, but then Tiger had an advantage -- athletes who keep their own score are better at counting.
NEW YORK (BBC) - A 1932 Pablo Picasso painting called “Nude, Green Leaves and Bust” set a new record of $106 million for the most expensive art work ever sold at auction. It shouldn’t be confused with the 1956 documentary of the same name in which Marilyn Monroe and Robert Mitchum are arrested in a cheap motel for smoking pot.
NASHVILLE (AP) - Citizens of the Country Music capital are digging out after the worst flooding in decades inundated low level areas of the city including the block where the Grand Ol’ Opry Theater is located. It’s being described as the worst blow to the twang and tears industry since “Hee-Haw” was canceled.
_______________________________
Excerpted From THE LAUGH MAKERS (page 254)
To be sure, unforeseen problems bedeviled every show to some degree, but by far the most ill-fated special Hope produced on my watch was taped at the Oscars Theater in Stockholm before Sweden’s King Carl Gustav and Queen Sylvia in February, 1986. Billed as a Command Performance, Hope had agreed to emcee the black-tie gala entitled Bob Hope’s Royal Command Performance from Sweden, the proceeds of which were to go to the king’s favorite charity, the Children’s International Summer Village. Hope would host the show and in return would own the American rights which he’d license to NBC. It was a potentially profitable deal since most of the production expenses would be picked up by the Swedish government.
But even before the Scandinavian Airlines 747 had been loaded with our luggage at LAX, the hex kicked in. As Gene Perret and I sat in the executive lounge putting the finishing touches on a Viking sketch we were
confident would have the Swedes in hysterics from Goteborg to Lapland, producers Elliott Kozak and Dick Arlett came in and hit us between the eyes with the news that Sweden’s Prime Minister, Olaf Palme, had just been assassinated while walking his dog on a Stockholm street. The room fell silent. Glen Campbell, who had been sitting across from us noodling a few licks, put down his guitar and stared ahead blankly. Only moments before, we had entered the lounge filled with excited anticipation of what promised to be a fun-filled and interesting journey to a land few of us had visited. Two other troubadours who would appear on the show, Shirley Jones and Emanuel Lewis, looked on in shock as transatlantic phone calls were hurriedly made to decide if the show would be canceled. Our departure was pushed ahead an hour while we all sat biting our collective show business fingernails.
The show must go on. But must it… really? Tune in for tomorrow’s thrilling conclusion.
Order THE LAUGH MAKERS on line:
http://www.amazon.com/LAUGH-MAKERS-Behind-Scenes-Incredible/product-reviews/1593933231/ref=cm_cr_pr_link_2?ie=UTF8&showViewpoints=0&pageNumber=2
Also available in an unabridged audio version read by the author:
http://www.audible.com/adbl/site/products/ProductDetail.jsp?BV_SessionID=@@@@0545479184.1272211432@@@@&BV_EngineID=cccjadekfdmleefcefecekjdffidfmf.0&productID=BK_BEAR_000001
NEW YORK (BBC) - The oldest performer ever to host “Saturday Night Live,” Betty White wowed fans and critics alike with her cutting edge “octo-monologue” and roles in several sketches. According to preliminary Nielsen figures, there were more nursing homes tuned to the show than for the final episode of “Murder, She Wrote.”
MANHATTAN (AP) NY Giants Hall of Famer Lawrence Taylor has pleaded guilty to paying $300 for sex in a suburban Holiday Inn with a 16-year old prostitute. Not even Tiger Woods frequented underage hookers, but then Tiger had an advantage -- athletes who keep their own score are better at counting.
NEW YORK (BBC) - A 1932 Pablo Picasso painting called “Nude, Green Leaves and Bust” set a new record of $106 million for the most expensive art work ever sold at auction. It shouldn’t be confused with the 1956 documentary of the same name in which Marilyn Monroe and Robert Mitchum are arrested in a cheap motel for smoking pot.
NASHVILLE (AP) - Citizens of the Country Music capital are digging out after the worst flooding in decades inundated low level areas of the city including the block where the Grand Ol’ Opry Theater is located. It’s being described as the worst blow to the twang and tears industry since “Hee-Haw” was canceled.
_______________________________
Excerpted From THE LAUGH MAKERS (page 254)
To be sure, unforeseen problems bedeviled every show to some degree, but by far the most ill-fated special Hope produced on my watch was taped at the Oscars Theater in Stockholm before Sweden’s King Carl Gustav and Queen Sylvia in February, 1986. Billed as a Command Performance, Hope had agreed to emcee the black-tie gala entitled Bob Hope’s Royal Command Performance from Sweden, the proceeds of which were to go to the king’s favorite charity, the Children’s International Summer Village. Hope would host the show and in return would own the American rights which he’d license to NBC. It was a potentially profitable deal since most of the production expenses would be picked up by the Swedish government.
But even before the Scandinavian Airlines 747 had been loaded with our luggage at LAX, the hex kicked in. As Gene Perret and I sat in the executive lounge putting the finishing touches on a Viking sketch we were
confident would have the Swedes in hysterics from Goteborg to Lapland, producers Elliott Kozak and Dick Arlett came in and hit us between the eyes with the news that Sweden’s Prime Minister, Olaf Palme, had just been assassinated while walking his dog on a Stockholm street. The room fell silent. Glen Campbell, who had been sitting across from us noodling a few licks, put down his guitar and stared ahead blankly. Only moments before, we had entered the lounge filled with excited anticipation of what promised to be a fun-filled and interesting journey to a land few of us had visited. Two other troubadours who would appear on the show, Shirley Jones and Emanuel Lewis, looked on in shock as transatlantic phone calls were hurriedly made to decide if the show would be canceled. Our departure was pushed ahead an hour while we all sat biting our collective show business fingernails.
The show must go on. But must it… really? Tune in for tomorrow’s thrilling conclusion.
Order THE LAUGH MAKERS on line:
http://www.amazon.com/LAUGH-MAKERS-Behind-Scenes-Incredible/product-reviews/1593933231/ref=cm_cr_pr_link_2?ie=UTF8&showViewpoints=0&pageNumber=2
Also available in an unabridged audio version read by the author:
http://www.audible.com/adbl/site/products/ProductDetail.jsp?BV_SessionID=@@@@0545479184.1272211432@@@@&BV_EngineID=cccjadekfdmleefcefecekjdffidfmf.0&productID=BK_BEAR_000001
FRI, SAT, SUN, May 7, 8, 9
LAFFS From The PAST (From our issue dated May 9, 2000)
NRA vice president Kayne Robinson predicted that his group of pistol promoters "will have unbelievably friendly relations with the White House" if Bush wins in November. Prompting Charlton Heston to immediately order a child safety lock for Kayne's mouth.
Regis Philbin has partnered with Phillips-Van Heusen to produce a new line of clothing for men. He'll share sweatshop workers with Kathie Lee on an alternate day rotation arrangement.
Ringo Starr kicks off the sixth All Star Band tour May 12, ending in Milwaukee in July.
Initial ticket sales indicate that they'll play to "Walker Room Only" crowds.
Real estate agents in Philadelphia are suing to remove a city ban on "For Sale" signs in residential neighborhoods. Philadelphians have always been touchy about signs. They still ban signs that say "Warning! Sidewalks Liable to Roll Up at 9 PM.
Pilots of the Air Force's B-2 Spirit bombers took turns napping on lawn chairs they purchased at Wal-Mart for $8.88 during 30-hour flights over Kosovo. Not to mention the $4.99 badminton nets they set up on the wing.
Until next time, I leave you with the immortal words of Marcel Marceau's doctor who told him, "Bad news. According to our tests you have sign language Tourette's Syndrome."
_______________________________
Excerpted From THE LAUGH MAKERS (page 262)
Captain Blight
Each morning, Gene and I worked while trying not to notice the beach where halter tops appeared to be illegal. But we did manage to put the finishing touches on comedy bits for Jonathan as an American tourist, a Tahitian politician and a French chef as well as our “Mutiny on the Bounty” sketch. The plan was to tape the sketch aboard an exact replica of the legendary schooner that had been built by director Dino de Laurentis for his movie version of the epic tale. Actually, it was the Bounty from the waterline up and a luxurious yacht below with plush lounges, guest compartments, a huge kitchen and a spa.
Now we headed to the Bounty which was anchored in a lagoon on the opposite side of the island. Our richly costumed period sketch would feature Hope as the cruel, crew-beating Captain Bligh; Howard as the ship’s doctor; Susan Aiken as his nurse; Morgan Brittany as the prim, school marm passenger; John Denver as the young, Wahini-smitten Fletcher Christian and Jonathan Winters as his tribal chief, soon-to-be father-in-law. Even under ideal studio conditions, accommodating such a large cast on the small screen is a tall order for any director, and Walter, one of the best, had his hands full with this one.
While the ship had been ideal for de Laurentis who had the time to set up multiple camera shots, it was soon apparent that it wasn’t big enough to do our sketch on. People were a lot smaller in the eighteenth century, and everything was about three quarter scale. In many of the scenes, members of the cast were sardined on her decks tighter than Cuban boat people. They looked like they were performing in a telephone booth. So much for exact replicas. Walter tried setup after setup, attempting to create the illusion of size and depth. As a result, the taping ran longer than scheduled, and the entire company was supposed to depart that evening. A few crew members were sent back to our hotel-on-stilts to pack for those who had to remain to get the sketch, such as it was, in the can.
Finally, at about four in the afternoon, Walter yelled “Cut! That’s a wrap!” The cameras, lighting and sound paraphernalia were stowed into dockside trucks in record time. Electronic equipment hadn’t disappeared that fast since the L.A. riots. Everyone raced to the waiting busses which would convey us to the harbor where the swiftest picket boat on the island was standing by. We arrived at the airport in Papeete with only minutes to spare, but as it turned out, our plane was grounded in New Zealand with mechanical problems and wouldn’t arrive until the next day.
At this point, Howard Keel entered panic mode. He was due on the set of Dallas in less than forty-eight hours to film some key scenes. If he was delayed in Tahiti, it would cost the producers — and him after the lawsuit — hundreds of thousands of dollars. A smiling Quantas representative assured him that the plane would arrive in the morning as promised. We were given our hotel assignments — a night’s free lodging for our inconvenience. They also threw in a phone call, so we could notify our next-of-kin of the delay. “Swell,” responded a tired, hungry and Bounty-weary Jonathan. “I’ll call my brother. He’s dead.” Our patched-up 747 arrived on schedule, and Howard made it to Culver City in a limo he had waiting with only minutes to spare. He told me later he filmed the first scene with sand in his shoes. (Next week: Stockholm)
Order THE LAUGH MAKERS on line:
http://www.amazon.com/LAUGH-MAKERS-Behind-Scenes-Incredible/product-reviews/1593933231/ref=cm_cr_pr_link_2?ie=UTF8&showViewpoints=0&pageNumber=2
Also available in an unabridged audio version read by the author:
http://www.audible.com/adbl/site/products/ProductDetail.jsp?BV_SessionID=@@@@0545479184.1272211432@@@@&BV_EngineID=cccjadekfdmleefcefecekjdffidfmf.0&productID=BK_BEAR_000001
_______________________________
NRA vice president Kayne Robinson predicted that his group of pistol promoters "will have unbelievably friendly relations with the White House" if Bush wins in November. Prompting Charlton Heston to immediately order a child safety lock for Kayne's mouth.
Regis Philbin has partnered with Phillips-Van Heusen to produce a new line of clothing for men. He'll share sweatshop workers with Kathie Lee on an alternate day rotation arrangement.
Ringo Starr kicks off the sixth All Star Band tour May 12, ending in Milwaukee in July.
Initial ticket sales indicate that they'll play to "Walker Room Only" crowds.
Real estate agents in Philadelphia are suing to remove a city ban on "For Sale" signs in residential neighborhoods. Philadelphians have always been touchy about signs. They still ban signs that say "Warning! Sidewalks Liable to Roll Up at 9 PM.
Pilots of the Air Force's B-2 Spirit bombers took turns napping on lawn chairs they purchased at Wal-Mart for $8.88 during 30-hour flights over Kosovo. Not to mention the $4.99 badminton nets they set up on the wing.
Until next time, I leave you with the immortal words of Marcel Marceau's doctor who told him, "Bad news. According to our tests you have sign language Tourette's Syndrome."
_______________________________
Excerpted From THE LAUGH MAKERS (page 262)
Captain Blight
Each morning, Gene and I worked while trying not to notice the beach where halter tops appeared to be illegal. But we did manage to put the finishing touches on comedy bits for Jonathan as an American tourist, a Tahitian politician and a French chef as well as our “Mutiny on the Bounty” sketch. The plan was to tape the sketch aboard an exact replica of the legendary schooner that had been built by director Dino de Laurentis for his movie version of the epic tale. Actually, it was the Bounty from the waterline up and a luxurious yacht below with plush lounges, guest compartments, a huge kitchen and a spa.
Now we headed to the Bounty which was anchored in a lagoon on the opposite side of the island. Our richly costumed period sketch would feature Hope as the cruel, crew-beating Captain Bligh; Howard as the ship’s doctor; Susan Aiken as his nurse; Morgan Brittany as the prim, school marm passenger; John Denver as the young, Wahini-smitten Fletcher Christian and Jonathan Winters as his tribal chief, soon-to-be father-in-law. Even under ideal studio conditions, accommodating such a large cast on the small screen is a tall order for any director, and Walter, one of the best, had his hands full with this one.
While the ship had been ideal for de Laurentis who had the time to set up multiple camera shots, it was soon apparent that it wasn’t big enough to do our sketch on. People were a lot smaller in the eighteenth century, and everything was about three quarter scale. In many of the scenes, members of the cast were sardined on her decks tighter than Cuban boat people. They looked like they were performing in a telephone booth. So much for exact replicas. Walter tried setup after setup, attempting to create the illusion of size and depth. As a result, the taping ran longer than scheduled, and the entire company was supposed to depart that evening. A few crew members were sent back to our hotel-on-stilts to pack for those who had to remain to get the sketch, such as it was, in the can.
Finally, at about four in the afternoon, Walter yelled “Cut! That’s a wrap!” The cameras, lighting and sound paraphernalia were stowed into dockside trucks in record time. Electronic equipment hadn’t disappeared that fast since the L.A. riots. Everyone raced to the waiting busses which would convey us to the harbor where the swiftest picket boat on the island was standing by. We arrived at the airport in Papeete with only minutes to spare, but as it turned out, our plane was grounded in New Zealand with mechanical problems and wouldn’t arrive until the next day.
At this point, Howard Keel entered panic mode. He was due on the set of Dallas in less than forty-eight hours to film some key scenes. If he was delayed in Tahiti, it would cost the producers — and him after the lawsuit — hundreds of thousands of dollars. A smiling Quantas representative assured him that the plane would arrive in the morning as promised. We were given our hotel assignments — a night’s free lodging for our inconvenience. They also threw in a phone call, so we could notify our next-of-kin of the delay. “Swell,” responded a tired, hungry and Bounty-weary Jonathan. “I’ll call my brother. He’s dead.” Our patched-up 747 arrived on schedule, and Howard made it to Culver City in a limo he had waiting with only minutes to spare. He told me later he filmed the first scene with sand in his shoes. (Next week: Stockholm)
Order THE LAUGH MAKERS on line:
http://www.amazon.com/LAUGH-MAKERS-Behind-Scenes-Incredible/product-reviews/1593933231/ref=cm_cr_pr_link_2?ie=UTF8&showViewpoints=0&pageNumber=2
Also available in an unabridged audio version read by the author:
http://www.audible.com/adbl/site/products/ProductDetail.jsp?BV_SessionID=@@@@0545479184.1272211432@@@@&BV_EngineID=cccjadekfdmleefcefecekjdffidfmf.0&productID=BK_BEAR_000001
_______________________________
THURSDAY, MAY 6, 2010
LEIPZIG, (BBC) - Using hidden video cameras, scientists at the Max Planck Institute for Evolutionary Anthropology have observed bonobo apes shaking their heads to indicate “no.“ Even more remarkable, one of the cameras trained on a single pair of bonobos caught the female attempting to mouth the words “I have a headache.”
LONDON (BBC) - German and British researchers report that they have discovered a nasal spray they dubbed the “cuddle hormone” that makes men as conscious of the feelings of others as women are by nature. There is one minor side effect, though. It also gives men an insatiable desire to shop for shoes and have their breasts enlarged.
NEW YORK (BBC) - Robert Haldeman, the producer at CBS who attempted to extort a million dollars from David Letterman not to reveal Dave’s sexual affairs with staffers, has been sentenced to six months in jail. As a condition of his reduced jail time, he must also produce Dave’s new segment, “Stupid Blackmailer Tricks.”
LOS ANGELES (BBC) - Six County employees with the Department of Water and Power were reassigned after a local TV channel showed them drinking alcohol and visiting strip clubs while on duty. Three were given desk jobs and the other three accepted offers for higher-paying jobs with the Republican National Committee.
MONTREAL (BBC) - Researchers from the University of Manitoba have discovered that wooly mammoths had a form of "anti-freeze" blood that kept them warm in sub-zero temperatures. Scientists embracing intelligent design immediately challenged the findings, crediting the tea Noah served every day at four.
________________________________
From THE LAUGH MAKERS (page 260)
Bali HiJinks
On our final night in Moorea, Howard Keel was scheduled to sing “Some Enchanted Evening” at the same location Rosanno Brazzi had belted out “Bali Hai” in the movie South Pacific. The taping was to begin precisely at sundown so that when Howard hit the final eight bars, the golden orb would be tucking itself behind the famous mountain. Dramatic — beautiful — and technically tricky. Our director, Walter Miller,
would have only one shot at it, and, if anything went wrong, he’d get no second chance — we’re out of there the next day.
Just before Howard arrived to go to work, a few clouds formed in the otherwise-pristine sky. Though they blocked our view of the mountain, they looked fluffy and harmless to the crew — a form of wishful thinking common among men who depend on light for their livelihood. All at once, the sky parted and dumped enough rain on our little party to turn Death Valley into a Raging Waters theme park. The equipment
was quickly covered as everyone sprinted for cover and the producers convened an emergency summit meeting to devise Plan B. It’s quickly calculated that, without Howard’s number, we don’t have enough show. We’ll just have to shoot the scene back in Burbank in front of a convincing photo of the mountain.
But Howard has an idea. Would the audience notice the difference between a sunset and a sunrise if they see only three-minutes of it? Couldn’t we tape the number, reasons Howard, while the sun comes up? Howard’s inventive nature earned him a four-thirty wakeup call, but the number went off in the crisp, clear post-monsoon morn without a hitch. If you ever see a rerun of the show, look carefully — the evening is so enchanted it gets lighter instead of darker. (To be continued…)
Order your copy of The Laugh Makers online:
www.bearmanormedia.bizland.com/id370.html
http://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_ss?url=search-alias%3Daps&field-keywords=The+Laugh+Makers&x=11&y=13
Now available from Amazon.com in an unabridged MP3 audio version (11 hours, 40 min.) read by the author for an introductory price of $7.49:
http://www.audible.com/adbl/site/products/ProductDetail.jsp?BV_SessionID=@@@@0545479184.1272211432@@@@&BV_EngineID=cccjadekfdmleefcefecekjdffidfmf.0&productID=BK_BEAR_000001
________________________________
LONDON (BBC) - German and British researchers report that they have discovered a nasal spray they dubbed the “cuddle hormone” that makes men as conscious of the feelings of others as women are by nature. There is one minor side effect, though. It also gives men an insatiable desire to shop for shoes and have their breasts enlarged.
NEW YORK (BBC) - Robert Haldeman, the producer at CBS who attempted to extort a million dollars from David Letterman not to reveal Dave’s sexual affairs with staffers, has been sentenced to six months in jail. As a condition of his reduced jail time, he must also produce Dave’s new segment, “Stupid Blackmailer Tricks.”
LOS ANGELES (BBC) - Six County employees with the Department of Water and Power were reassigned after a local TV channel showed them drinking alcohol and visiting strip clubs while on duty. Three were given desk jobs and the other three accepted offers for higher-paying jobs with the Republican National Committee.
MONTREAL (BBC) - Researchers from the University of Manitoba have discovered that wooly mammoths had a form of "anti-freeze" blood that kept them warm in sub-zero temperatures. Scientists embracing intelligent design immediately challenged the findings, crediting the tea Noah served every day at four.
________________________________
From THE LAUGH MAKERS (page 260)
Bali HiJinks
On our final night in Moorea, Howard Keel was scheduled to sing “Some Enchanted Evening” at the same location Rosanno Brazzi had belted out “Bali Hai” in the movie South Pacific. The taping was to begin precisely at sundown so that when Howard hit the final eight bars, the golden orb would be tucking itself behind the famous mountain. Dramatic — beautiful — and technically tricky. Our director, Walter Miller,
would have only one shot at it, and, if anything went wrong, he’d get no second chance — we’re out of there the next day.
Just before Howard arrived to go to work, a few clouds formed in the otherwise-pristine sky. Though they blocked our view of the mountain, they looked fluffy and harmless to the crew — a form of wishful thinking common among men who depend on light for their livelihood. All at once, the sky parted and dumped enough rain on our little party to turn Death Valley into a Raging Waters theme park. The equipment
was quickly covered as everyone sprinted for cover and the producers convened an emergency summit meeting to devise Plan B. It’s quickly calculated that, without Howard’s number, we don’t have enough show. We’ll just have to shoot the scene back in Burbank in front of a convincing photo of the mountain.
But Howard has an idea. Would the audience notice the difference between a sunset and a sunrise if they see only three-minutes of it? Couldn’t we tape the number, reasons Howard, while the sun comes up? Howard’s inventive nature earned him a four-thirty wakeup call, but the number went off in the crisp, clear post-monsoon morn without a hitch. If you ever see a rerun of the show, look carefully — the evening is so enchanted it gets lighter instead of darker. (To be continued…)
Order your copy of The Laugh Makers online:
www.bearmanormedia.bizland.com/id370.html
http://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_ss?url=search-alias%3Daps&field-keywords=The+Laugh+Makers&x=11&y=13
Now available from Amazon.com in an unabridged MP3 audio version (11 hours, 40 min.) read by the author for an introductory price of $7.49:
http://www.audible.com/adbl/site/products/ProductDetail.jsp?BV_SessionID=@@@@0545479184.1272211432@@@@&BV_EngineID=cccjadekfdmleefcefecekjdffidfmf.0&productID=BK_BEAR_000001
________________________________
WEDNESDAY, May 5, 2010
NEW ORLEANS (AP) - The oil now pouring into the Gulf of Mexico at the rate of 200,000 gallons per day has closed fishing grounds and tied up cargo ships delivering fruit, rubber, grain, steel, and other commodities whose prices will skyrocket. And all thanks to one exploding offshore oil platform… or, as it’s now being called, the “Exxon Juan Valdez.”
SACRAMENTO (BBC) - In one of the most abrupt ecological reversals in history, California's Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger has canceled plans to begin oil drilling off the coast of Santa Barbara -- and all it took was someone turning the Gulf of Mexico into a “Jiffy Lube.” The governor admitted defeat when he realized he hadn’t seen an oil slick that big since Maria made him trade in the Hummer.
GRANADA HILLS, CA (AP) - A blond in her late twenties who is believed responsible for at least ten bank robberies in the San Fernando Valley has been dubbed the “Starlet Bandit” by the FBI because she wears large sunglasses on the job. Also, she brings along her manager to deliver the demand note and her agent who collects ten percent of the loot.
WASHINGTON (AP) - James Cameron has been hired by NASA to design a high-resolution 3-D camera to be used atop the rover Curiosity during the mission to Mars set for next year. You have to give Cameron credit as a tough negotiator. From now on Mars will be called “Pandora.”
EDINBURGH (AP) - Using isotope analysis, researchers from the University of Dundee have identified the remains of the earliest African ever found in the British Isles. Preliminary DNA evidence indicates that he may be a distant ancestor of either Count Basie, Duke Ellington or Nat King Cole.
________________________________
From THE LAUGH MAKERS (page 260)
In 1980, we flew to Tahiti to tape a special starring Howard Keel, Jonathan Winters, Morgan Brittany, John Denver and former Miss America, Susan Aiken. We settled into our assigned accommodations on Moorea — thatched-huts tucked among the volcanic ash and pearl-white sand of a beach that a few decades earlier had made Gauguin relocate. Each suite had its own waterfall/shower carved from coral, and at high-season rates of four-hundred dollars a day — a substantial sum for lodging back then — they were a cut above Holiday Inn.
The hotel-on-the-beach was the brainchild of three Americans — classmates at U.S.C. — who had visited Tahiti during spring break one year and decided it would be an ideal location to erect a getaway for the rich, near-rich and people who wanted to be pampered in a spot that’s so remote, it had taken four days for news of NASA’s recent Challenger disaster to reach the islands. The current owner had bought out his partners, taken a Tahitian wife, produced a bunch of kids and confided to me that he didn’t mind not getting news from the outside world for week on end. You can check out his photo in the dictionary under “laid back.”
The huts at the hotel were scattered in a configuration inspired by the native villages back in Gauguin’s day. A hut here, a hut there, with lush tropical plants and flowers filling the spaces in between. (Hope would sing his finale “Thanks for the Memory” verses while strolling among them.) The huts had thin walls made of bamboo stalks lashed together so sound carried.
One balmy evening, Gene Perret and I were unwinding at the bar watching the Polynesian sun set when we heard a shriek coming from the general direction of Susan Aiken’s hut. We yelled out, “What’s wrong?” She said, “There’s a huge bug crawling up my wall!” Instantly responding to Miss America’s cry for assistance, Gene leaped from his stool and said, “I’ll go. I’m from San Marino. I know how to handle bugs!”
I said, “Hold on, Skipper, I’m from Studio City, and our bugs are humungous.” We went back and forth like that until Gene said, “Let’s flip for it.” While he’s fishing around in his cargo shorts for a suitable coin, we heard Susan say, “Forget it, guys. I just stepped on it.”
Order your copy of The Laugh Makers online:
www.bearmanormedia.bizland.com/id370.html
http://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_ss?url=search-alias%3Daps&field-keywords=The+Laugh+Makers&x=11&y=13
Now available from Amazon.com in an unabridged MP3 audio version (11 hours, 40 min.) read by the author for an introductory price of $7.99:
http://www.audible.com/adbl/site/products/ProductDetail.jsp?BV_SessionID=@@@@0545479184.1272211432@@@@&BV_EngineID=cccjadekfdmleefcefecekjdffidfmf.0&productID=BK_BEAR_000001
________________________________
SACRAMENTO (BBC) - In one of the most abrupt ecological reversals in history, California's Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger has canceled plans to begin oil drilling off the coast of Santa Barbara -- and all it took was someone turning the Gulf of Mexico into a “Jiffy Lube.” The governor admitted defeat when he realized he hadn’t seen an oil slick that big since Maria made him trade in the Hummer.
GRANADA HILLS, CA (AP) - A blond in her late twenties who is believed responsible for at least ten bank robberies in the San Fernando Valley has been dubbed the “Starlet Bandit” by the FBI because she wears large sunglasses on the job. Also, she brings along her manager to deliver the demand note and her agent who collects ten percent of the loot.
WASHINGTON (AP) - James Cameron has been hired by NASA to design a high-resolution 3-D camera to be used atop the rover Curiosity during the mission to Mars set for next year. You have to give Cameron credit as a tough negotiator. From now on Mars will be called “Pandora.”
EDINBURGH (AP) - Using isotope analysis, researchers from the University of Dundee have identified the remains of the earliest African ever found in the British Isles. Preliminary DNA evidence indicates that he may be a distant ancestor of either Count Basie, Duke Ellington or Nat King Cole.
________________________________
From THE LAUGH MAKERS (page 260)
In 1980, we flew to Tahiti to tape a special starring Howard Keel, Jonathan Winters, Morgan Brittany, John Denver and former Miss America, Susan Aiken. We settled into our assigned accommodations on Moorea — thatched-huts tucked among the volcanic ash and pearl-white sand of a beach that a few decades earlier had made Gauguin relocate. Each suite had its own waterfall/shower carved from coral, and at high-season rates of four-hundred dollars a day — a substantial sum for lodging back then — they were a cut above Holiday Inn.
The hotel-on-the-beach was the brainchild of three Americans — classmates at U.S.C. — who had visited Tahiti during spring break one year and decided it would be an ideal location to erect a getaway for the rich, near-rich and people who wanted to be pampered in a spot that’s so remote, it had taken four days for news of NASA’s recent Challenger disaster to reach the islands. The current owner had bought out his partners, taken a Tahitian wife, produced a bunch of kids and confided to me that he didn’t mind not getting news from the outside world for week on end. You can check out his photo in the dictionary under “laid back.”
The huts at the hotel were scattered in a configuration inspired by the native villages back in Gauguin’s day. A hut here, a hut there, with lush tropical plants and flowers filling the spaces in between. (Hope would sing his finale “Thanks for the Memory” verses while strolling among them.) The huts had thin walls made of bamboo stalks lashed together so sound carried.
One balmy evening, Gene Perret and I were unwinding at the bar watching the Polynesian sun set when we heard a shriek coming from the general direction of Susan Aiken’s hut. We yelled out, “What’s wrong?” She said, “There’s a huge bug crawling up my wall!” Instantly responding to Miss America’s cry for assistance, Gene leaped from his stool and said, “I’ll go. I’m from San Marino. I know how to handle bugs!”
I said, “Hold on, Skipper, I’m from Studio City, and our bugs are humungous.” We went back and forth like that until Gene said, “Let’s flip for it.” While he’s fishing around in his cargo shorts for a suitable coin, we heard Susan say, “Forget it, guys. I just stepped on it.”
Order your copy of The Laugh Makers online:
www.bearmanormedia.bizland.com/id370.html
http://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_ss?url=search-alias%3Daps&field-keywords=The+Laugh+Makers&x=11&y=13
Now available from Amazon.com in an unabridged MP3 audio version (11 hours, 40 min.) read by the author for an introductory price of $7.99:
http://www.audible.com/adbl/site/products/ProductDetail.jsp?BV_SessionID=@@@@0545479184.1272211432@@@@&BV_EngineID=cccjadekfdmleefcefecekjdffidfmf.0&productID=BK_BEAR_000001
________________________________
TUESDAY, May 4, 2010
TURIN, ITALY (BBC) - Pope Benedict XVI visited the “Shroud of Turin,“ which, despite contrary evidence, many Catholics believe contains the image of Jesus, on display for the first time in 10 years. The ancient relic was protected by a bullet-proof, hermetically-sealed display case kept at a safe distance, well away from over-zealous pilgrims. Of course, the Shroud was heavily protected, too.
DELHI (BBC) - An Indian holy man who claims to have survived for 70 years without food or water is being kept under 24-hour surveillance at the Sterling Defense Institute Hospital while Army doctors authenticate his claim. If confirmed, he will dethrone the previous record-holder who survived twenty round trips on Delta without food or water.
CAIRO (AP) - Anthropologists now claim to have compelling evidence that King Tut suffered from a congenital bone condition that required him to wear orthopedic sandals. Asked to describe the malady in layman’s terms, the chief researcher said, “He probably had a gait similar to Dustin Hoffman’s in ‘Midnight Cowboy’.”
LOS ANGELES (AP) - A 16-year old teenager taking his driver’s license test, stepped on the gas instead of the brake sending his vehicle through the cinder block wall of the DMV and the examiner who was sitting beside him to the ER. On a brighter note for the teen, he received a passing grade on “Deployment of Front Seat Air Bag.”
TAMPA BAY, FL (AP) - Buccaneer catcher Dioner Navarro was suspended for two games after Bob Watson, baseball’s vice president of discipline, ruled that he had made contact with umpire Dan Bellino at home plate in a game against Oakland. An additional charge of “assaulting a seeing-eye dog” was dropped.
________________________________
From THE LAUGH MAKERS (page 161)
We taped the show’s opening segment which featured Hope singing “We’re Off on the Road to China” – Ã la “The Road to Morocco” — along the walkway atop the Great Wall. There weren’t many visiting tourists, and the few there were agreed to remain out of sight while we filmed. As Hope proceeded to strut down the ancient cobblestones, he lip-synced to a music track from speakers set up behind him. Only occasionally did he glance at cue cards with Jim Lipton’s lyrics that Barney McNulty had taped beneath the guard rails just out of the camera’s view. With the Great Wall spiraling into the distant sky, it was the most auspicious and visually impressive opening Hope ever performed on television. We had no doubt that it was worth the time, expense, and full day of shooting it had taken to get it on tape. Anxious to see as much of the wall as we were allowed to, and while Hope was off taping a commercial for Coca-Cola, several of us headed north — away from those sections with which the outside world is now so familiar. About a half mile past the steepest inclines — where it’s one step at a time, slowly — the rebuilt portion ends. Beyond stretches a band of rubble that extends as far as the eye can see. At this remote location, what strikes the first-time visitor is the silence. It’s been that way for at least a century, we were told, the result of starving peasants denuding the landscape
of insects, birds, small and large mammals — the entire kingdom of indigenous wildlife that once thrived there. With no ambient sounds save for the breeze gently rustling through the undergrowth — which looks like that in northern California — the atmosphere is eerie and unearthly. It’s the sound you’d imagine on the surface of the moon. It’s a grim reminder of the fragility of the earth’s ecology and the irreversible carnage mankind can inflict on it. Rush Limbaugh should see it. Just once.
Order your copy of The Laugh Makers online:
www.bearmanormedia.bizland.com/id370.html
http://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_ss?url=search-alias%3Daps&field-keywords=The+Laugh+Makers&x=11&y=13
Now available from Amazon.com in an unabridged MP3 audio version (11 hours, 40 min.) read by the author for an introductory price of $7.99:
http://www.audible.com/adbl/site/products/ProductDetail.jsp?BV_SessionID=@@@@0545479184.1272211432@@@@&BV_EngineID=cccjadekfdmleefcefecekjdffidfmf.0&productID=BK_BEAR_000001
DELHI (BBC) - An Indian holy man who claims to have survived for 70 years without food or water is being kept under 24-hour surveillance at the Sterling Defense Institute Hospital while Army doctors authenticate his claim. If confirmed, he will dethrone the previous record-holder who survived twenty round trips on Delta without food or water.
CAIRO (AP) - Anthropologists now claim to have compelling evidence that King Tut suffered from a congenital bone condition that required him to wear orthopedic sandals. Asked to describe the malady in layman’s terms, the chief researcher said, “He probably had a gait similar to Dustin Hoffman’s in ‘Midnight Cowboy’.”
LOS ANGELES (AP) - A 16-year old teenager taking his driver’s license test, stepped on the gas instead of the brake sending his vehicle through the cinder block wall of the DMV and the examiner who was sitting beside him to the ER. On a brighter note for the teen, he received a passing grade on “Deployment of Front Seat Air Bag.”
TAMPA BAY, FL (AP) - Buccaneer catcher Dioner Navarro was suspended for two games after Bob Watson, baseball’s vice president of discipline, ruled that he had made contact with umpire Dan Bellino at home plate in a game against Oakland. An additional charge of “assaulting a seeing-eye dog” was dropped.
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From THE LAUGH MAKERS (page 161)
We taped the show’s opening segment which featured Hope singing “We’re Off on the Road to China” – Ã la “The Road to Morocco” — along the walkway atop the Great Wall. There weren’t many visiting tourists, and the few there were agreed to remain out of sight while we filmed. As Hope proceeded to strut down the ancient cobblestones, he lip-synced to a music track from speakers set up behind him. Only occasionally did he glance at cue cards with Jim Lipton’s lyrics that Barney McNulty had taped beneath the guard rails just out of the camera’s view. With the Great Wall spiraling into the distant sky, it was the most auspicious and visually impressive opening Hope ever performed on television. We had no doubt that it was worth the time, expense, and full day of shooting it had taken to get it on tape. Anxious to see as much of the wall as we were allowed to, and while Hope was off taping a commercial for Coca-Cola, several of us headed north — away from those sections with which the outside world is now so familiar. About a half mile past the steepest inclines — where it’s one step at a time, slowly — the rebuilt portion ends. Beyond stretches a band of rubble that extends as far as the eye can see. At this remote location, what strikes the first-time visitor is the silence. It’s been that way for at least a century, we were told, the result of starving peasants denuding the landscape
of insects, birds, small and large mammals — the entire kingdom of indigenous wildlife that once thrived there. With no ambient sounds save for the breeze gently rustling through the undergrowth — which looks like that in northern California — the atmosphere is eerie and unearthly. It’s the sound you’d imagine on the surface of the moon. It’s a grim reminder of the fragility of the earth’s ecology and the irreversible carnage mankind can inflict on it. Rush Limbaugh should see it. Just once.
Order your copy of The Laugh Makers online:
www.bearmanormedia.bizland.com/id370.html
http://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_ss?url=search-alias%3Daps&field-keywords=The+Laugh+Makers&x=11&y=13
Now available from Amazon.com in an unabridged MP3 audio version (11 hours, 40 min.) read by the author for an introductory price of $7.99:
http://www.audible.com/adbl/site/products/ProductDetail.jsp?BV_SessionID=@@@@0545479184.1272211432@@@@&BV_EngineID=cccjadekfdmleefcefecekjdffidfmf.0&productID=BK_BEAR_000001
MONDAY, May 3, 2010
HOLLYWOOD (AP) - Greg Kinnear has been signed by the History Channel to play John F. Kennedy and Katie Holmes will play his wife, Jacqueline, in the 8-hour mini-series “The Kennedys” to air in 2011. Also in the cast, Kate Hudson as Marilyn Monroe, Antonio Banderas as Fidel Castro, Jason Alexander as Nikita Khrushev, and Kirstie Alley as The Bay of Pigs.
NEW YORK (BBC) - Former “Tonight Show” host Conan O’Brien spoke out for the first time on Sunday’s 60 Minutes, telling interviewer Steve Kroft that his relationship with NBC was “toxic.“ To say the least. To get him to step aside and return the “Tonight Show” to Jay Leno, they threatened to make him host “The Marriage Ref.”
NEW YORK (BBC) - Former “Tonight Show” host Conan O’Brien spoke out for the first time on Sunday’s 60 Minutes, telling interviewer Steve Kroft that his relationship with NBC was “toxic.“ To say the least. To get him to step aside and return the “Tonight Show” to Jay Leno, they threatened to make him host “The Marriage Ref.”
NEW YORK (AP) - Talks between United and Continental Airlines continue in earnest and industry analysts say a merger is almost a certainty. According to a reliable inside source, financial terms have been agreed upon, but the parties can’t decide whether to call the new company “ContaUnental” or “UnientiContal” Airlines.
ORLANDO, FL (AP) - Several prominent divorce lawyers estimate that Ulin Woods’ divorce settlement against Tiger could exceed half a billion dollars -- which would make the award the most costly marriage dissolution in the history of English Common Law -- not counting, of course, Henry VIII‘s wives.
NEW YORK (BBC) - In his return to Broadway in “Fences,” Oscar-winner Denzel Washington received sour reviews as Troy, the role made famous by James Earl Jones. Among the jibes, “His Troy is smaller than Jones’s,” “He seemed hollow,” and “He has difficulty modulating his theatrical intensity.” “Darth Vader?” Denzel screamed at his agent. “I thought you said I was following James Spader!”
________________________________
From THE LAUGH MAKERS (page 33)
While Hope sketches were broad, farcical and in the opinion of some, too silly, he had definite ideas about how he wanted them played. Most of the guests followed his directions to the letter, but once in awhile he’d run into a problem case — one like former model Susan Anton. Susan was cast on one of our football specials as a scientist hired by the NFL to test the safety of the equipment. Hope answers her want ad for a guinea pig and is put through a series of punishing tests. Susan was going with British actor Dudley Moore at the time, and he was never far away during rehearsal. During the read-through, Hope had warned Susan not to laugh at her own lines while putting him through the wringer — literally. In one sequence, he’s in a stretching “machine” we had designed like a magician’s trick. Following our diagram, the prop department built a box with hidden shelves and dummy pants, legs and shoes that would appear to belong to Hope. But despite his advice, Susan insisted on injecting a series of giggles before, during and after every one of her lines. Bad enough during rehearsal, but later in front of an audience, her giggling if anything, increased. Repeatedly, Hope stopped the taping, called her off to the side and whispered instructions. Then she’d go over to Dudley who’d give her more tips — apparently to keep up the good work. Finally, Hope surrendered and finished the sketch, hoping that Susan’s delivery could be fixed in post. But no amount of editing could save her performance, and we lost a perfectly serviceable eight-minute sketch — not to mention an opportunity to introduce the world to a human stretching machine that would have made Dick Cheney proud.
______________________________
NEW YORK (BBC) - In his return to Broadway in “Fences,” Oscar-winner Denzel Washington received sour reviews as Troy, the role made famous by James Earl Jones. Among the jibes, “His Troy is smaller than Jones’s,” “He seemed hollow,” and “He has difficulty modulating his theatrical intensity.” “Darth Vader?” Denzel screamed at his agent. “I thought you said I was following James Spader!”
________________________________
From THE LAUGH MAKERS (page 33)
While Hope sketches were broad, farcical and in the opinion of some, too silly, he had definite ideas about how he wanted them played. Most of the guests followed his directions to the letter, but once in awhile he’d run into a problem case — one like former model Susan Anton. Susan was cast on one of our football specials as a scientist hired by the NFL to test the safety of the equipment. Hope answers her want ad for a guinea pig and is put through a series of punishing tests. Susan was going with British actor Dudley Moore at the time, and he was never far away during rehearsal. During the read-through, Hope had warned Susan not to laugh at her own lines while putting him through the wringer — literally. In one sequence, he’s in a stretching “machine” we had designed like a magician’s trick. Following our diagram, the prop department built a box with hidden shelves and dummy pants, legs and shoes that would appear to belong to Hope. But despite his advice, Susan insisted on injecting a series of giggles before, during and after every one of her lines. Bad enough during rehearsal, but later in front of an audience, her giggling if anything, increased. Repeatedly, Hope stopped the taping, called her off to the side and whispered instructions. Then she’d go over to Dudley who’d give her more tips — apparently to keep up the good work. Finally, Hope surrendered and finished the sketch, hoping that Susan’s delivery could be fixed in post. But no amount of editing could save her performance, and we lost a perfectly serviceable eight-minute sketch — not to mention an opportunity to introduce the world to a human stretching machine that would have made Dick Cheney proud.
______________________________
Order your copy of The Laugh Makers online:
www.bearmanormedia.bizland.com/id370.html
http://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_ss?url=search-alias%3Daps&field-keywords=The+Laugh+Makers&x=11&y=13
www.bearmanormedia.bizland.com/id370.html
http://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_ss?url=search-alias%3Daps&field-keywords=The+Laugh+Makers&x=11&y=13
Now available from Amazon.com in an unabridged MP3 audio version (11 hours, 40 min.) read by the author for an introductory price of $7.49:
http://www.audible.com/adbl/site/products/ProductDetail.jsp?BV_SessionID=@@@@0545479184.1272211432@@@@&BV_EngineID=cccjadekfdmleefcefecekjdffidfmf.0&productID=BK_BEAR_000001
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THE LAUGH MAKERS: A Leonard Maltin "Top 20" Year End Pick!
DOLORES HOPE MEDLEY
DOLORES HOPE "Silver Bells" (with Bob)
BOB HOPE'S 1983 U.S. COLLEGE CAMPUS TOUR: Your Alma Mater Here?
"Having spent twenty years writing for the indefatigable Bob Hope, and traveling all over the world, Bob Mills is well qualified to salute the famous corps of gag men who kept the comedian knee-deep in jokes. These first-hand recollections summon up the final phase of Hope’s career—and the end of the trail for an entire brand of show business."
http://www.leonardmaltin.com/2009YearEndBookSurvey.htm
http://www.leonardmaltin.com/2009YearEndBookSurvey.htm
Even Animals Love "THE YouTube WORLDWIDE NEWS"!
THE LAUGH MAKERS is now on KINDLE! (And Kindle equipped devices)
Download THE LAUGH MAKERS to your Kindle within one minute (for $2.99) by clicking on this link:
http://www.amazon.com/dp/B0041D9EPO
And if you're not yet a Kindle owner, when you purchase your new lower-priced Kindle with a capacity of 3500 books, be sure to sign up for our daily blog so you won't miss one issue of the web's most entertaining and insightful comments on the day's events... or a single serialized installment of THE LAUGH MAKERS. Order your Kindle today!
WakiLeaks: History Declassified 2000 (Vol. One) is now available on Kindle for $2.99
Compiled from Bob's newsletter "Funnyside Up" published in 2000. This is a yuck and chuckle-filled stroll down memory lane to a time before the Bush administration had inflicted its damage -- a time before the search for WMDs and Osama bin Laden. See what we were laughing at back then, who was in the news and who had yet to enter rehab -- which NFL stars had yet to do time in the Gray Bar Hotel.
http://www.amazon.com/dp/B004IZLXIQ
http://www.amazon.com/dp/B0041D9EPO
And if you're not yet a Kindle owner, when you purchase your new lower-priced Kindle with a capacity of 3500 books, be sure to sign up for our daily blog so you won't miss one issue of the web's most entertaining and insightful comments on the day's events... or a single serialized installment of THE LAUGH MAKERS. Order your Kindle today!
WakiLeaks: History Declassified 2000 (Vol. One) is now available on Kindle for $2.99
Compiled from Bob's newsletter "Funnyside Up" published in 2000. This is a yuck and chuckle-filled stroll down memory lane to a time before the Bush administration had inflicted its damage -- a time before the search for WMDs and Osama bin Laden. See what we were laughing at back then, who was in the news and who had yet to enter rehab -- which NFL stars had yet to do time in the Gray Bar Hotel.
http://www.amazon.com/dp/B004IZLXIQ