MONDAY, October 27, 2008

From sunny southern California, home of Griffith Park, Rodeo Drive and Phil Spector's hair, here's what's happening...

LOS ANGELES, CALIFORNIA -- Researchers at UCLA have discovered a process that produces usable x-rays from ordinary rolls of Scotch Tape. When asked for her comment, Sarah Palin told reporters, "Even with their medical breakthroughs, Scotland will never overtake America's health care system."

SALT LAKE CITY, UTAH -- University of Utah geologists say they've discovered prehistoric animal tracks so densely crowded together they resemble a "dinosaur dance floor." In a related story, if McCain loses the election, he's signed to appear on "Dancing With the Stars" with Cloris Leachman.

BALTIMORE, MARYLAND -- A pharmaceutical analyst at Johns-Hopkins Bloomberg School of Public Health reports that patients are not having their prescriptions filled or are opting for generic drugs to save money. Some enterprising seniors are making do with one Viagra pill and a spray can of shellac,

SUNNYVALE, CALIFORNIA -- to save $400 million, Yahoo will lay off 1500 employees which amounts to 7% of its workforce. Understandably, they've changed their TV jingle to "Boo-hooooo."

SAN FRANCISCO, CALIFORNIA -- If voters approve Proposition K in the upcoming election, the city will become the first in the nation to decriminalize prostitution. Already, pimps who are reluctant to leave are hiring themselves out as consultants to Oakland and Marin County hookers.

ORLANDO, FLORIDA -- Disney World, which had purchased $700 million in natural gas futures from defunct Lehman Brothers, is now faced with escalating energy costs to heat the theme park. Snow White was so cold last night, she had to throw on another Dwarf.

LOS ANGELES, CALIFORNIA -- Federal agents conducted a sweep of biker clubs and arrested 60 members of the Mongols and the Hells Angeles on charges ranging from drug possession to murder. While officers detained several members of "Harlots With Harleys," they were later released for insufficient evidence of teeth.
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SEATTLE, WASHINGTON -- Nine state troopers are under investigation for submitting forged academic documents to qualify for higher pay scales. State inspectators became suspicious when they noticed degrees from the University of Winchells and Dunkin' Donuts Tech.

DENVER, COLORADO -- Chief Federal District Court Judge Edward Nottingham has resigned after being charged with viewing a pornographic video in his chambers. Vice Squad officers confirmed that the film, popular in judicial circles, was "Ruth Bader Ginsberg Does Dallas."

NEW DELHI, INDIA -- India has launched its first unmanned moon mission with Chandrayaan-4 which will enter moon orbit 16 hours into the flight. The mission will test for the presence of water, precious metals and Helium 3 needed to power nuclear fission. Time permitting, it will also scout future 7-Eleven locations.

BATON ROUGE, LOUISIANA -- Miss Teen Louisiana, Lindsay Evans was booked for theft and possession of marijuana after attempting to leave a restaurant without paying. Worse, the contract she had recently signed to become a model for Vogue was declared breached and therefore void. She ate.

HOLLYWOOD, CALIFORNIA -- Jada Pinkett Smith told an interviewer that she and her husband Will allow their children complete access to the bible, the Koran, the Kabbalah and the book of Mormon. Both of the Smiths are firm believers that children should be allowed to choose their own drivel.
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SURREY COUNTY, VIRGINIA -- Michael Vick will plead guilty to state dog fighting charges so he'll qualify for early release from federal prison. Following which, Mike plans to move to Spain and become a bullfighter.

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- A federal health panel is recommending a vaccination especially for smokers. That's the good news, The bad news is the needle is inserted through the skull and the serum injected into the section of the brain that controls common sense.

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Narcotic pain relief prescriptions for injured US troops have jumped from 30,000 to 50,000 annually since the outbreak of the Iraq war,mostly feigned, says the Veterans Administration. Imagined illnesses like missing limbs, embedded shrapnel, IED burns -- whatever the guys can dream up.

FALLS CHURCH, VIRGINIA -- Sarah Palin told a third grade class that the vice president "runs the Senate." If that's true, wouldn't Cheney have waterboarded Teddy Kennedy by now?
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QUOTH THE NITWIT...

"For a century and a half now, America and Japan have formed one of the great alliances of modern times."

George W. Bush 2/18/2002 During a visit to Tokyo

Hey, all couples have a little misunderstanding on occasion.

Idiotic quotes courtesy of: www.sourcebooks.com
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LONDON, ENGLAND -- British billionaire Richard Branson, along with his two children, is attempting to set a new speed record for a transatlantic crossing from New York to London in a sailboat. Barely past the Statue of Liberty, the kids intoned their first "Are we there yet?

NEW YORK, NEW YORK -- The Dow Jones Industrials plunged 514 points on Wednesday. That's the bad news. The good news is the dive got a combined 9.4 points from the judges which virtually clinches the silver for best dive since the meltdown.

RALEIGH, NORTH CAROLINA -- R. J. Reynolds Tobacco reports that profits for the third quarter plunged 41%. Maybe there is a god after all.
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Help Patrick Reynolds, heir to the Reynolds fortune who declined it, destroy the tobacco industry by clicking on: www.tobaccofree.org
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ANCHORAGE, ALASKA -- Sarah Palin was subpoenaed to testify in the Troopergate scandal. She challenged the process server but relented when he explained he was from the Senate.

WASHINGTON, D. C. -- Polls show that Palin is a bigger drag on the McCain campaign than Bush. An angry Laura Bush told reporters, "Nobody can pull down a GOP candidate more than my husband... nobody."

NEW YORK, NEW YORK -- Babe Ruth's daughter celebrated her 92nd birthday this week. Before you start celebrating, Hank Arron's daughter is 94.

LIVINGSTONE, TEXAS -- Department of Corrections officers locked down all 111 prisons in their system after a death row inmate was found in possession of a cell phone he'd been using for weeks with minutes provided by his mother. It was Nokia's much-heralded "Hard Time 550" model with cell waiting.
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[] [] [] Tune in to Bob's weekly on-line radio show "INSIDE TELEVISION" for the latest articles, celebrity profiles and interviews Thursday mornings from 0820 to 0900 PDT. LARRS, the all-volunteer, commercial free, non-profit Los Angeles Radio Reading Service is 24-hour Newsradio for the Blind, an affiliate of Minnesota's Radio Talking Book Network.
www.larrs.org
password: independence
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BALTIMORE, MARYLAND -- The Baltimore Sun reports that pirates off the African coast have commandeered 2400 ships since since 2006, costing businesses $16 billion a year. Or, in more appropriate piratespeak, 32 billion doubloons.

WARSAW, POLAND -- Prime Minister Donald Tusk has proposed castrating all convicted pedophiles. Ironically during the same week as the Vatican's "Priestly Ball."

BELGRADE, YUGOSLAVIA -- Serbian chef Ljubomir Erovic has released what is believed to be the world's first testicle cookbook. Recipes in "Cooking With Balls" include "Nuts on a Stick," "Ball Sack Bouillabaisse" and the "How They Hangin' Omelet."

TAMPA, FLORIDA -- Facing almost sure defeat in the orange state, McCain made a whirlwind tour of Florida, visiting six cities in one day, all the while touting his tax plan for "Joe the Plumber," "Phil the Mechanic," and Brad the Psychiatrist. He was accompanied his wife, "Cindy the Almost First Lady."

THE HAGUE -- The World Health Organization predicts 8.3 million deaths from tobacco use between now and 2030. Each grave "so round, so firm, so fully-packed"...
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Join Patrick Reynold's war against Big Tobacco. Click on: www.tobaccofree.org.
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LONDON, ENGLAND -- The London Daily Mirror reports that the Church of Scientology has offered to help Amy Winehouse defeat her addictions. Be interesting to see if having Tom Cruise jump up and down on her does any good.

LUSAKA, ZAMBIA -- Members of the Zambian soccer team jumped into the crocodile-infested Zambezi River to "cleanse themselves of bad spirits" before a match. Unfortunately, one of the bad spirits ate one of the players.

DETROIT, MICHIGAN -- The Chrysler Corporation has announced that it will lay off 25% of its workforce. Worse news for motorists, they'll be forced to replace their rich Corinthian leather with, according to a company spokesman, " a very high-quality faux leather polyester."

NEW YORK, NEW YORK -- A week after the shocking Madonna-Guy Richie divorce announcement, US Weekly Magazine blames "Lies, cheating and abuse" on its cover, while OK Magazine cites "Tears, lies and money." Home & Garden blames the couple's inability to agree on a color scheme for a recent kitchen-makeover.

ROANOKE, VIRGINIA -- Sheriff Mike Presgraves has been charged with racketeering and conspiracy for accepting bribes from a cockfight organizer to look the other way. Worse, it appears that he fried the losers and served them to his jail inmates on Saturday nights.

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Excerpt from Bob's upcoming book, "THE LAUGH MAKERS: A Tribute to Bob Hopes Incredible Gag Writers" from Bear Manor Media.

Make Room For Gunplay

Danny Thomas, in his later years, had grown paranoid about the rise in crime and general lawlessness that he believed was crippling the country. Concerned for his own safety, he wore a Palladin-like pistol in a holster strapped to his ankle. We were taping a special in Burbank called NBC Investigates Bob Hope, a sendup on the Iran-Contra hearings on which Danny played a senator. One day, he stormed into Hope's dressing room. "Some son-of-a-bitch just tried to run me off the road!" Hope sympathized, in an attempt to calm him down. "I hope you didn't stop, for God's sake." (There had recently been a rash of drive-by shootings.) Danny said he not only stopped, but confronted the offending driver on foot. Hope said "Jesus, Danny, you could have been killed." Danny said, "No he could have been. I stuck this in the bastard's face." He reached down and drew the pistol as Hope dove across the couch, leaning away from the waving Derringer. Hey, I wasn't taking any chances, either, and slipped behind the door of the adjoining bathroom. I could see Hope's face and it was as white as milk-of-magnesia -- and he was wearing makeup. Not happy with Danny. Not happy at all.

"Put that damn thing away." His color slowly returning, Hope said, "It's not loaded, is it?" Danny said, "Why would I pack an empty gun?" Danny couldn't believe that Hope didn't own a sidearm. Hope was partially deaf thanks to a prop pistol and wasn't keen on facing a real one. He made Danny unload the pistol and promise never to bring it on the set. There was a noticeable coolness between the two for the remainder of the shoot. If Hope had to work near loaded guns, they'd better belong to Secret Service agents.
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[] [] [] Click on the link below to read a chapter from Bob's new book, "THE LAUGH MAKERS," recalling Bob Hope's 1979 month-long invasion of the Peoples Republic of China. "How Now Chairman Mao?" is filled with fascinating stories of suspicion, mistrust, international intrigue and near-expulsion as agents of the Red Guard meet their match against members of the elite NBC Peacock Unit. Gunboat Diplomacy is replaced by Punchline Appeasement as Hope and his merry band of mirthmakers survive a bumpy ride on the Orient Express. All aboard for an unforgettable ride!
(The LAUGH MAKERS is due later this year from Bear Manor Media Publishers)
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CLEVELAND, OHIO -- Cardiologists have discovered that the 70s BeeGee's hit "Stayin' Alive" provides the perfect tempo for medical technicians administering CPR to a cardiac arrest victim. The McCain Campaign has adopted it as its official song, replacing the less effective Hi-Lo's classic "Pull the Plug on Grandpa."

SYDNEY, AUSTRALIA -- Jerry Lewis apoligized for an anti-gay comment he made during a TV interview Down Under. He admitted that he had no real evidence that Crocodile Dundee and Mel Gibson are married.

LAKEWOOD, COLORADO -- The owner of a mexican restaurant was charged with drug possession after marijuana was found in one of his tacos. He never should have named it the "Whitney Houston Tijuana Firecracker Special."

GREEN BAY, MINNESOTA -- In the race for the Senate, former SNL star Al Franken has a substantial lead in the polls over Republican incumbant Norm Coleman. Stuart Smiley was right. People DO like him.

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Homeland Security chief Michael Chartoff proudly announced that illegal immigration from Mexico has decreased since he took over. Critics concede that the idea to replace the skull and crossbones on the Mexican side of the wall with his photo may have been responsible.

CHICAGO, ILLINOIS -- A protestor attempted to make a citizen's arrest on Karl Rove following his speech at the National Mortgage Brokers Association, but was unable to handcuff him. Karl has an aversion to handcuffs... unless you count that time with Anne Coulter following the S&M GOP Boosters' Ball.

LEXINGTON, KENTUCKY -- Five students were arrested following a fight at Western Kentucky University. Seems a fight broke out in the cafeteria when a group of Hatfields accused a group of McCoys of hogging the hog jowls.

CLEVELAND, OHIO -- Brown tight end Kellen Winslow was suspended for one game without pay for accusing the team of "treating him like a piece of meat." Kellen must also attend counseling on the difference between the NFL and the Miss America Pageant.
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To Mr. and Mrs. America and all the ships at sea... Let's go to press...

HEMPSTEAD, NEW YORK -- Presidential candidates Barack Obama and John McCain faced off in their final debate of the campaign, a 90-minute round-table discussion refereed by CBS newsman Bob Sheiffer. While the candidates split on the usual issues of taxes, foreign policy, the federal deficit and the Wall Street meltdown, there appeared to be a different tone -- Obama repeatedly referred to McCain as "John" or "Senator," while McCain called him either "Homeboy" or "You uppity black S.O.B." Obama praised Joe Biden's international diplomatic expertise while McCain lauded Sarah Palin's "uncanny communication skills with sled dogs." McCain appeared, at times, to be feeling his age, referring to Bob Sheiffer as "Mr. O'Reilly" and asking several times to be excused to change his catheter.

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- After experiencing discomfort at the White House morning briefing, Vice President Dick Cheney was admitted to George Washington University Hospital for treatment of atrial fibrillation and underwent a two-hour procedure to shock his heart into beating normally. Atrial fibrillation occurs when the heart's upper chambers quiver rather than contract causing chest pain, dizziness and shortness of breath -- you know, feelings you'd have while being waterboarded. Reports of Cheney's death throes, like those of al-Qaeda, were greatly exaggerated.

BEVERLY HILLS, CALIFORNIA -- Former First Lady Nancy Reagan was admitted to the UCLA Ronald Reagan Medical Center's Trickle Down wing for treatment of a fractured pelvis. Following admission, she was examined by her usual team of internists, orthopedic surgeons, gerontologists and astrologers. She was sedated according to the admitting nurse "less for pain than to silence her repeated screams of 'John Hinkley did it!'"

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Admiral Michael Mullen, Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, has called for screening all troops returning from combat in Iraq and Afghanistan for Post Traumatic Stress (PTS). Good news for the Veterans Administration which issued a statement stating that without such tests, they have difficulty deciding which treatments to withhold.
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QUOTH THE NITWIT...

"I want you to know that farmers are not going to be secondary thoughts to a Bush administration. They will be in the forethought of our thinking."

George W. Bush 8/10/2000 Salinas, California

Idiotic quotes courtesy of: www.sourcebooks.com
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BAGHDAD, IRAQ -- Suicide car bombers killed six civilians in Mosul and seven in Baghdad with an unknown number of wounded in an area known, post surge, as "The Triangle of Frequent Commuter Delays Due to Police Activity."

WINSTON-SALEM, NORTH CAROLINA -- Tobacco giant R.J. Reynolds has introduced new "Orbs," nicotine pellets -- toothpick-sized "Sticks" -- and "Camel Strips," all of which are dissolved in the mouth "for a taste that resembes smoking." But the company's pride and joy are their new "Snuggles," nicotine-laced suppositories that are slipped in the anus and lodged in the general area of the user's brain.
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Support R.J. Reynolds heir Patrick Reynolds in his quest to ban the manufacture of tobacco products of any kind. Find out how you can help destroy an industry responsible for countless deaths. www.tobaccofree.com
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TERRE HAUTE, INDIANA -- The American Civil Liberties Union has filed a formal request with the Federal Bureau of Prisons to review the "grossly inadequate conditions on Terre Haute Prison's death row" that include inmate mistreatment and sub-standard health care that has resulted in "a significantly higher mortality rate than that of the general population."

NEW HAVEN, CONNECTICUT -- Yale University is celebrating the 250th birthday of Noah Webster, the inventor of the dictionary. Unable to locate any authenticated descendents of the famous wordsmith, officials have invited Emmanuel Lewis who played Webster on television.
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Excerpt from "THE LAUGH MAKERS: A Behind-The-Scenes Tribute To Hope's Incredible Gag Writers" to be published soon by Bear Manor Media

London Derriere

London, April 1979. It's the day before we're scheduled to tape an hour-long special, An Evening at the Palladium, for a black-tie audience that will include Queen Elizabeth and Prince Philip. Gig Henry and I are going over the script with Hope in his dressing room and, as usual when he was about to perform for royalty, he's wrestling with some last-minute jitters. ("She has the keys to the Tower of London.") Also present are executive producers Sid Vinnage and Elliott Kozak and a British writing team who had been hired to assist us, Dick Vosburgh and Gary Chambers.

The phone rings. Hope picks it up and on the other end of the line is one of our guest stars, Richard Burton, whose voice fills the room even though it's not a speaker-phone. It seems that Dick's "people" -- read new wife of some three weeks, one of Burton's "between Liz" marriages -- don't think it's in the actor's best interest to be doing a love scene with costar Raquel Welch in a sketch we'd prepared for them -- a parody of the popular PBS series Upstairs, Downstairs that we had re-titled Backstairs at Buckingham Palace. Hope cups his hand over the mouthpiece and asks us if we can rewrite the sketch omitting the kissing. We all shake our heads "no" -- if the love scenes go, there's no sketch.

Hope tells Burton he'll get back to him and hangs up. We carefully go over the sketch line-by-line just to be sure and Hope agrees that, unless Burton has lip privileges with the downstairs chambermaid, we'll have to write a whole new sketch and time, as they say over there, is frightfully short. Hope gets an idea. He calls Burton back and asks him if it would help if the chambermaid were someone other than Raquel. Several minutes elapse while Dick again checks with his people. That would solve the problem very nicely, he tells Hope.

Goodbye, Raquel. Vinnage starts calling his British contacts and soon locates actress Susan George who's appearing in a stage play about three-hundred miles from London. Susan, an experienced performer who had recently costarred with Dustin Hoffman in the popular American movie "Straw Dogs," agrees to step in for Raquel despite a case of laryingitis, finishes her matinee and arrives at the Palladium just hours before showtime. After a quick rehearsal, she bravely goes on for Raquel and ends up sharing equal-billing with Welch, Burton and Leslie Uggams. Later, Raquel explains to a group of British reporters that she had ankled the sketch because she was unhappy with her lines.

This time, we were happy to take the rap.

You can read a chapter from Bob's book, "How Now, Chairman Mao?," which recalls Hope's historic journey to China in June/July 1979. It's photo-illustrated at: www.laughmakers.blogspot.com
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LOS ANGELES, CALIFORNIA -- Bill Maher's new mockumentary "Religilous," which entertainingly condemns the hypocrisy of organized religion be it Christian or otherwise, is doing surprisingly well at the box office. Bill is said to be ecstatic although he had to visit his urologist twice last week after the Vatican ordered him turned into a pillar of saltpeter.

ANCHORAGE, ALASKA -- According to the US Geological Survey, satellite images and infrared photos confirm that 99% of Alaska's glaciers are melting. Sarah Palin agrees. She says even Russia is starting to look smaller.

THE HAGUE, NETHERLANDS -- Animal rights activists staged a topless protest outside the European Parliament demanding a ban on bullfighting in Spain, France and Portugal. First the gals set their bras on fire and then ignited a pile of books by Ernest Hemingway.

FAIRPLAY, COLORADO -- Software billionaire Jeff Hawn grew tired of watching a neighbor's buffalo roaming onto his land so he shot 37 of them. God knows what he'll do if he ever catches the deer and the antelope playing.

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Bush signed an executive order creating a "transitional coordinating council" to insure a smooth transfer of power to the next president. Their next challenge is getting it away from Cheney.

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FREE SAMPLE CHAPTER! You can read a chapter from Bob's new book "THE LAUGH MAKERS: A Behind-the-Scenes Tribute to Bob Hope's Incredible Gag Writers" due in bookstores and online in December from Bear Manor Media Publishers.

Here's what "Laugh In" star GARY OWENS says:

"'The Laugh Makers' is the book we've all been waiting for. It's jam-packed with stories, anecdotes and 110 unretouched photos from a fondly-remembered past, recalling often-hilarious, sometimes heartwarming, and always touching tales of legendary stars, near-legendary stars and one or two complete failures -- which happens in show business. You can look it up in your Funk & Wagnalls.
"This is a priceless collection of heretofore unpublished recollections revealing untold secrets and backstage goings-on behind the scenes on the Bob Hope Show. It's a never-before-seen look at the previously-classified inner workings of Hope's well-known comedy assembly line that for generations proved as efficient as any in Detroit."

But don't take Gary's word for it. Take a look for yourself. There's a FREE sample chapter waiting for you to download at: www.laughmakers.blogspot.com
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ATLANTA, GEORGIA -- Faced with spiraling fuel costs, airlines are cutting back on bereavement discounts with Delta, Southwest and US Airways eliminating them completely. Well actually, they'll give you 10% off if you're willing to travel with the dead loved one at full fare.

SANTA ANA, CALIFORNIA -- Dr. Brandon Mull has been disciplined by the state medical board for choking his psychiatrist. Seems they got into the fight when Dr. Brandon compared the shrink to Dr. Phil.

CEDAR FALLS, IOWA -- The University of North has suspended 18 athletes for drug and alcohol abuse. Campus authorities blamed "too much time on their hands" and threatened to require them to attend classes.

WESTLAND, MICHIGAN -- A Wayne County judge ordered 800 striking teachers back to the bargaining table. He also chastised them for picket signs that were riddled with split infinitives, dangling participles and gross misspellings.

LINCOLN, NEBRASKA -- Armadillos, once rare this far north, are migrating in greater numbers. Zoologists theorize that some are searching for food, some are seeking mates and the majority just want to get as far away from Texas as possible.
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[] Catch Bob's weekly on-line radio show "INSIDE TELEVISION" for the
latest articles, celebrity profiles and interviews Thursday mornings from 8:20 to
9:00 am. PDT. LARRS, the all-volunteer, commercial free, non-profit Los Angeles
Radio Reading Service is 24-hour News Radio for the Blind, an affiliate of Minnesota's Radio Talking Book Network. Check it out. We welcome your support.

www.larrs.org
password: independence
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CARSON CITY, NEVADA -- The state supreme court ruled that casino operators may require blackjack dealers to share their tips with supervisors. Unless, of course, they choose to double down and lose the draw.

ENGLISHTOWN, NEW JERSEY -- A flock of chickens, apparently wandering on their own, invaded the posh English Club Condominiums. Animal control officers determined that they were protesting the treatment of relatives by the owner of a nearby Popeye's living in the penthouse suite.

GOLDSBORO, NORTH CAROLINA -- An investigation revealed that attendants at the Cherry Mental Hospital allowed a patient to choke to death as they sat nearby playing cards and watching television. In their defense, they were watching "One Flew Over the Cookoo's Nest," an annual requirement for all mental hospital employees.

CORNERVILLE, OHIO -- Residents living near the Little Muskingusa River reported that the area has begun to smell like raw sewage. Health authorities theorize that the putrid odor may be due to film used for McCain campaign commercials recently discarded by the RNC.

NEW YORK, NEW YORK -- Formally endorsing McCain, NRA executive vice president Wayne La Pierre said "Mr. McCain has stood time and again to preserve our hunting heritage. Not as carelessly as Cheney, but a lot.
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[] FREE MEMBERSHIP: Subscribers in California, Las Vegas, Chicago, Washington, DC, New York and Boston (or those planing to visit) are invited to join Goldstar Events, a website offering drastically reduced tickets to major entertainment venues including live theater, comedy, sports, music and much more! Your FREE MEMBERSHIP includes e-mail notification of events opening near you. You'll love this online service that allows you to print your own tickets, often for about the cost of a movie! Check it out now!

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DETROIT, MICHIGAN -- Ford Motor Company has introduced "My key" which is programmed to limit the speed of the car when driven by a teenager and the volume of the radio. It also alerts the parents whenever the car gets within fifty yards of a tattoo parlor.

URBANA, OHIO -- After convicting him of playing his rap music too loud, Judge Susan Fornof-Lippencott ordered Andrew Vactor to listen to 20 hours of Bach, Beethoven and Chopin. After fifteen minutes, Andy rushed next door to the Army recruiting office and signed up for two tours of duty in Iraq.

KAZAKHSTAN, SOVIET REPUBLIC -- Computer software millionaire Richard Garriott who paid $30 million to become the world's first "space tourist," has departed aboard the Soyuz TMA-13 for a 10-day flight. Thirty million may seem high, but remember he earns 7,481,932,058 frequent flyer miles.

NORFOLK, VIRGINIA -- Scientists at the Virginia Aquarium and Marine Science Center have reported what appears to be a "virgin birth" by a shark. Within hours, thousands of Italian pilgrims flocked to a fisherman's grotto outside Milan where a seafood waitress reported seeing an apparition of the shark on the side of a smelt.

JUNEAU, ALASKA -- Records disclosed during the investigation surrounding "Troopergate" show that Sarah Palin was paid per diem during visits to the annual Bear Paw Festival in Eagle River and attendance at the Moose Dropping Festival in Talkeetna. The latter visit to help her speechwriter one would assume.
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QUOTH THE NITWIT...

On privatizing Social Security:

"It means your own money would grow better than that which the government can make it grow. And that's important."

George W.Bush 2/26/2007 Falls Church, Virginia

Oh, had we just listened!
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MONDAY, October 6, 2008

NEW YORK, NEW YORK -- Linguists with the American Bible Society have translated the good book into five languages. Their "Biblia Polyglotta" will be presented to Pope Benedict XVI next week. The languages include Gibberish, Mumbo-Jumbo, Pig Latin, Razzle Dazzle and Jive.

ROME, ITALY -- Giovanni Bisignani, head of the International Air Transportation Association, warns that at least 20 international air carriers are facing bankruptcy. Most at risk are Darfur Vacation Charters, Burmuda Triangle Air Service and Calcutta Sacred Cow Jet Transport, Inc.

SACRAMENTO, CALIFORNIA -- Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger has vetoed a bill that would have designated Harvey Milk's birthday a "day of significance." Well, if he plans any more Terminator movies, he can kiss off hair, makeup and wardrobe.

SAN DIEGO, CALIFORNIA -- Nick Reynolds, who along with Dave Guard and Bob Shane founded the Grammy-winning folk group The Kingston Trio, died at age 75. Following a brief memorial service, he was not buried but instead will roam forever 'neath the streets of Boston with the man who'll never return.

ATHENS, GREECE -- Jacques Rogge, IOC president, says the global financial crisis will not effect the Winter Olympics scheduled for 2010 in Vancouver. Well, there will be one small change. The ski jump events will take place from a window ledge.

SALT LAKE CITY, UTAH -- A new state law bans fruity alcoholic drinks from grocery and convenience stores. The measure is part of an ongoing campaign that has already banned fruity check-out clerks and baggers.

MADISON, WISCONSIN -- State wildlife officials are considering the removal of the trumpeter swan from the Endangered Species List. Just in time for the holidays. Nothing like gathering the family around a perfectly roasted trumpeter swan with all the trimmings.
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QUOTH THE NITWIT...

"I'm the master of low expectations." 1/04/2003

"We need an energy bill that encourages consumption" 9/23/2002

"Sometimes when I sleep at night, I think of Dr. Seuss's Hop on Pop." 4/02/2002

"I've coined new words like 'misunderstanding' and 'Hispanically'." 3/29/2001

George W. Bush

Idiotic quotes courtesy of: www.sourcebooks.com
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BIRCHWOOD, TENNESSEE -- A new park will honor 9000 Cherokee Indians forced to march at gunpoint by the Army from the Appalachians to Oklahoma when their reservation was relocated. Dedication of Crowd Control State Park will take place next week.

MUSKOGEE, OKLAHOMA -- Court clerk Jackie Borovetz has been charged with embezzling $340,000 worth of fines imposed by the court. To be fair, she did tell police she wasn't proud to be a dishonest Okie from Muskogee.

PORTLAND, MAINE -- Developers promise that their new resort-casino "will reflect the charm of New England." Yeah, instead of coins the slot machines will accept little neck clams and the keno runners will be dressed in Pilgrim outfits.

MANCHESTER, CONNECTICUT -- Police here nabbed five women who offered sex for money on Craig's List. Perhaps more subtlety might have been in order. Their ad read: "Let us refurbish your floppy and energize your hard drive,"

SACRAMENTO, CALIFORNIA -- Under a bill passed this week, fast food restaurants will be required to post calorie counts beside each menu item. Round Table Pizza will be allowed to use Roman numerals.

CHICAGO, ILLINOIS -- Pfizer, Inc. has announced that it will shift its research efforts to improving treatment of diseases like cancer and Alzheimer's. They've been trying to cut costs since Viagra sales softened in the spring and went completely limp during the summer.

MILWAUKEE, WISCONSIN -- High-end fashion retailer Valentina, Inc. has sued Oprah Winfrey's mother, Vernita, for $156,000 in unpaid credit card bills. Probably wasn't a good idea for Vernita to shop at a store Oprah owns.
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[] [] [] Bob's book, THE LAUGH MAKERS, which recalls his two decades on the road with Bob Hope, will be available soon from Bear Manor Media. It's a delightful, side-splitting journey back to the sketch comedy of television's Golden Age -- a long-ago era of variety, song and dance, brilliant patter and a seemingly endless parade of laughs sprung from the genius of "gag men," that talented gang of wit-blessed wordsmiths to whom the book pays well-deserved homage. Jam-packed with stories, anecdotes and unretouched photos, THE LAUGH MAKERS recalls the often-hilarious, sometimes heartwarming and always touching tales of the legendary stars who guested on The Bob Hope Show. Watch for the publication date on www.bearmanormedia.com and be sure to secure your copy early.
___________________________________________________________

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- The Department of the Interior has added 47 new species to the Endangered Species List. It now protects 1,488 plant species, 3,622 animal species, 941 insect species and six savings & loans.

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Under a new policy, Medicare will withhold payments to hospitals who commit medical errors. In laymens' terms, that means for example that Barbara Bush wouldn't have been reimbursed for birthing George.

CHICAGO, ILLINOIS -- Tenants at the posh Sears Tower are given the use of free bicycles to get around the traffic-clogged business district. The catch is, if they want to avoid shredding their Armani suit pants in the chain, they can rent a bicycle clip for $25 an hour.

TAMPA, FLORIDA -- The publisher of Creative Loafing Magazine has filed for bankruptcy. Actually, he started last March, but he can barely manage filling out two forms a week.

PHILADELPHIA, PENNSYLVANIA -- Landlord Thomas Daley, 45, has been charged with 2000 counts of illegally videotaping female tenants. Tom told police he thought the girls knew what they were getting into when they moved into the "Deep Throat Arms," specially since every unit has a green door.

GREENWICH, CONNECTICUT -- Now that the courts have ruled they must open their pristine beaches to the public, the local snoots are considering a proposal to build their own private swimming pool. And if it ever gets peed in, the pee better be blue.

CROSETT, ARKANSAS -- Marshall J. Kelley, 46, director of curriculum at Crosett High School has been charged with dealing cocaine. District authorities became suspicious when they noticed students were signing up for his classes as early as the fifth grade.

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- The Inspector General of the Department of Health and Human Services has found that 90% of nursing homes provide sub-standard care to the elderly. Worst offenders appear to be Cleveland's Pulverized Hip and IV World o' Healing and Atlanta's Happy Sutures Bedsore Convalescent Villa.
___________________________________________________________
[] [] [] Tune in to Bob's weekly on-line radio show "INSIDE TELEVISION" for the latest articles, celebrity profiles and interviews Thursday mornings from 0820 to 0900 PDT. LARRS, the all-volunteer, commercial free, non-profit Los Angeles Radio Reading Service is 24-hour Newsradio for the Blind, an affiliate of Minnesota's Radio Talking Book Network. Upcoming schedule:

10/9 Larry David Interviewed by David Steinberg
10/16 Review of "The Doctors"
10/23 Review of "Little Britain"

www.larrs.org
password: independence
__________________________________________________________

ATLANTA, GEORGIA -- A new state law allows licensed handgun owners to pack heat in state parks, in restaurants and on public transportation. Never know when you'll run into a bear at T.G.I. Friday's who got there on the bus.

RAVENSBURG, GERMANY -- The world's largest jigsaw puzzle covered 6500 square feet, had 1,141,800 pieces and took five hours to assemble. Finished, it turned out to be a photo of Sarah Palin explaining the Wall Street Bailout.

SACRAMENTO, CALIFORNIA -- According the the DMV, the state has 213 licensed drivers over the age of 100. With all his money, wouldn't you think Regis would hire a chauffeur?

TOKYO, JAPAN -- At 113, Tomoji Tanaba is believed to be the oldest person on earth. He admits he owns nine pagodas and 13 rickshaws.

CAPE CANAVERAL, FLORIDA -- Faced with budget shortfalls, personnel problems and public apathy, NASA may have to suspend any further missions. Maybe it's time for "Beijing, we have a problem."

NEW YORK, NEW YORK -- Following a 42% drop in it stock, Citi Group has purchased Wachovia Bank's 4300 branches and $600 billion in deposits for $2.1 billion. To sweeten the deal, the sale includes its pizza franchise financing subdivision, Anchovia.
______________________________________________________

QUOTH ANOTHER NITWIT...

Katie Couric: Aside from Roe vs. Wade, what other Supreme Court decisions have you disagreed with?

Sarah Palin: Well, let's see. There's of course in the great history of America's rulings -- there have been rulings -- that's never going to be absolute consensus by every American, and there are those issues again like Roe vs. Wade where I believe are best held on a state level and addressed there. So, you know, going through the history of America, there would be others, but ...

Katie Couric: Like which decisions?

Sarah Palin: Well, I could think of any again that could be best dealt with on a more local level -- maybe I would take issue with. But you know as mayor, as governor and even as vice president if I'm so privileged to serve, wouldn't be in a position of changing those things but in supporting the law of the land as it reads today.
______________________________________________________
[] Do you like to read? Your unique talent for reading aloud is needed to help blind and dyslexic students reach the academic heights! Become a member of our team of microphone magicians at Recording For the Blind & Dyslexic. Studios in major cities nationwide. Call to find out if there's one near you!

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____________________________________________________

MONROE, WASHINGTON -- An armored car guard was held up by a robber who grabbed his bag of cash, jumped onto an inner tube and escaped on the Skykomish River. Several miles downstream, he was met by an accomplice and drove off with someone witnesses said resembled the Michelin man.

PORTLAND, OREGON -- A jury didn't believe Joy Sartin, 25, a lingerie model who claimed she forgot her wallet when she handed a cop $270 from her bra during a traffic stop. She might have avoided the bribery conviction if she hadn't been wearing a G-string change-maker.

LOS ANGELES, CALIFORNIA -- During an interview on Larry King Live, Ben Stein called Bush a "great guy" whose only mistake was appointing Paulson Treasury Secretary. Then he weakened his position by repeating over and over "Ferris Bueller... Ferris Bueller... Ferris Bueller... " while squirting Visine on his private parts.

MANDRAKI, GREECE -- Archaeologists have discovered two stone sculptures built into a sunken harbor wall on the Aegean Sea island Kythnos. The statues, dating from 146 BC to 330 AD, are believed to have stood guard at the entrance to "Nick's Suds 'n' Studs" bath house.

MOSCOW, IDAHO -- University of Idaho cheerleaders will wear more modest outfits after alumni complaints that their tight halter tops and short-shorts were too revealing. The capper came last weekend against Ball State when Idaho was penalized twenty yards for a "wardrobe malfunction."

NEWARK, NEW JERSEY -- Following the demolition of 12 East Park Street, site of the Old Palace Chop House, a commemorative plaque will be placed at the spot where mobster "Dutch" Schultz was gunned down in 1935. He was the last surviving member of the Amsterdam-based Dutch mafia that spent decades battling Al Capone for control of Chicago's wooden shoe factory workers.

WOODLAND HILLS, CALIFORNIA -- House Peters, Jr., who played Procter & Gamble's "Mr. Clean" on scores of TV commercials, has passed away at the age of 92. He'll be laid to rest at Forest Lawn's Eternal Garden of Product Spokesmen between graves of the Jolly Green Giant and Mr. Whipple.

SAN DIEGO, CALIFORNIA -- Zondervan Publishers will release the New International Version of the bible that will be hand-written by 31,173 Americans. Not to be confused with the new Verizon Edition that will be one long text message.

TUCSON, ARIZONA -- The INS reports that illegal crossings from Mexico to the US have decreased 16%. Americans applying for Mexican citizenship is up 84% with most accepting entry-level positions bussing dishes in cantinas and helping with the chili pepper harvest.
____________________________________________
[] FREE MEMBERSHIP: Subscribers in California, Las Vegas, Chicago, Washington, DC, New York and Boston (or those planing to visit) are invited to join Goldstar Events, a website offering drastically reduced tickets to major entertainment venues including live theater, comedy, sports, music and much more! Your FREE MEMBERSHIP includes e-mail notification of events opening near you. You'll love this online service that allows you to print your own tickets, often for about the cost of a movie! Check it out now!

https://www.goldstarevents.com/join?p=F471918RP
____________________________________________

MONDAY, September 29, 2005

NEW YORK, NEW YORK -- Firefighter John Morabito told reporters that Sarah Palin was "very personable" during a tour of the 9/11 World Trade Tribute Center. But he did say she looked "disappointed" when told that there is no zero actually printed on the ground.

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- The Supreme Court returns this week and will take up the case of FCC vs. Fox TV to decide whether Cher's use of the F-word at the Billboard Music Awards is protected free speech. In a companion case, they'll also rule on whether her body should be declared a federally protected silicone reserve and made subject to off-shore drilling.

OMAHA, NEBRASKA -- A new "safe haven" law allows parents to drop kids at licensed hospitals between five and nine PM on Wednesdays "no questions asked." Since last Wednesday, Lindsay Lohan is wondering how in hell she'll find work in Nebraska.

WASHINGTON, D. C. -- The Pentagon has fired 17 Air Force and Army officers -- eight generals and nine colonels -- for allowing nuclear warheads to be flown to Taiwan. Not to worry, though. Six of the khaki-clad pinheads have already landed jobs at Fox News as ersatz "Middle East military experts."

LONDON, ENGLAND -- Archeologists have uncovered evidence that Stonehenge was once an ancient shrine to which the faithful flocked for cures of various physical ailments. Such use appears to have ceased after rights to the cures were sold to Pope Disneronimous XII for his new tourist attraction -- Lourdes.

NEW YORK, NEW YORK -- JP Morgan Chase & Company has purchased Washington Mutual National Bank, known as Wa-Mu -- which Morgan officials plan to change to "F-U."

KANAWHA COUNTY, WEST VIRGINIA -- Jose Cruz, 34, was charged with battery after he farted and wafted the resulting flatulence toward patrolman T. E. Parsons while being booked on a charge of DUI. At trial, the case was dismissed after Jose's lawyer raised the seldom-used "Blazing Saddles" defense.
__________________________________________________________
QUOTH THE NITWIT...

"It seemed to me they based some of their decisions on the word of -- and the allegations -- by people who were held in detention, people who hate America, people that had been trained in some instances to disassemble -- that means not to tell the truth."

George W. Bush 5/31/2005 Washington, DC

Idiotic quotes courtesy of: www.sourcebooks.com
__________________________________________________________

CONWAY, NEW HAMPSHIRE -- City officials are considering a proposal to provide a "warming station" this winter for people unable to afford heating oil. Warming station? Weren't those once called "brothels"?

NEW YORK, NEW YORK -- VH-1 has named "Fight The Power" by Public Enemy the best hip-hop song of all time. It only barely nudged out "Public Enema Number One" by Syphilitic Dwarf.

DES MOINES, IOWA -- The state supreme court will allow former Iowa hoop standout Pierre Pierce to play pro basketball in France despite his conviction of burglary, false imprisonment, assault with intent to commit sexual abuse and trespass. Pierre has been signed by the league-leading Bastille Ruffians.

NEW YORK, NEW YORK -- Earlier this week, Sarah Palin met with Henry Kissinger who briefed her on the intricacies of the Cold War. She briefed him on how to field dress a moose for cold storage.

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- The US Mint has unveiled designs for four new pennies to commemorate the 200th birthday of Abraham Lincoln. A slight departure from their usual patriotic themes, the coins will depict scenes of Abe, as though he were a guest, interacting with the cast of "Desperate Housewives."

SALEM, OREGON -- Officials in Marion County are considering a proposal to recycle bread, dairy products and meat. As though school lunches weren't bad enough already.

CHARLESTON, SOUTH CAROLINA -- The 32nd annual "Fall Tours of Homes and Gardens" celebrating Charleston's 18th-century architecture opened this past Thursday. For the first time in its history, the tours include homes in various stages of foreclosure and visitors can bid on them.

ATLANTIC CITY, NEW JERSEY -- New York lawyer Arelia Tavaras, an admitted gambling addict, sued seven casinos, claiming she lost over $1 million during gambling sprees they should have stopped. But she weakened her argument by claiming she also became addicted to Jerry Vale.
____________________________________________
[] FREE MEMBERSHIP: Subscribers in California, Las Vegas, Chicago, Washington, DC, New York and Boston (or those planing to visit) are invited to join Goldstar Events, a website offering drastically reduced tickets to major entertainment venues including live theater, comedy, sports, music and much more! You'll love this online service that allows you to print your own tickets, often for about the cost of a movie! Check it out now!

https://www.goldstarevents.com/join?p=F471918RP
____________________________________________

NEW YORK, NEW YORK -- Sarah Palin stopped by the United Nations building this week and met several world leaders including Afghanistan's Hamid Karzai and the president of Georgia. She would have met more, but she'll only meet with leaders from countries she can see from her front porch.

BEIJING, CHINA -- China launched its third manned space flight with three "Taikonauts" aboard Shenzhou 7. During the mission, tests were performed to determine if there is uncontaminated milk on Mars.

GLASGOW, DELAWARE -- A Girl Scout troop leader has been charged with embezzling $3000 collected during the recent cookie sale. The successful sting was carried out by several "undercover" scouts, daughters of cops, who were able to plant a listening device in a box of peanut clusters.

BOSTON, MASSACHUSETTS -- Boston University School of Medicine will study donated brains from sixteen athletes, including six former NFL players, to determine the long term effects of concussions. Any leftover samples from the NFL stars will be used to study the effects of long term cocaine and alcohol abuse.

SYDNEY, AUSTRALIA -- Nicole Kidman claims that swimming in Australian Outback "fertility waters" somehow contributed to her unexpected pregnancy. And all during her marriage to Tom Cruise, we thought TOM was the screwball.

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Following a long search, German conductor Christoph Eschenbach has been named director of the National Symphony. But he was offered the post only after attempts by Paul Shaeffer to get out of his contract with Dave failed.

CAIRO, EGYPT -- Archeologists have uncovered a 3000-year old, 30-inch high, red granite head of the 19th Dynasty pharaoh, Ramses II -- part of a larger statue that was dedicated to the Cat Goddess, Bastet -- often confused by Egyptologists with the Dog Goddess, Leona Helmsley.

QUEBEC, CANADA -- At 4.28 billion years, the oldest bedrock on earth was recently discovered by scientists from McGill University on the eastern bank of Hudson Bay. The second, third and fourth-oldest bedrocks are generally believed to be owned by John McCain.
___________________________________________________________
[] [] [] Tune in to Bob's weekly on-line radio show "INSIDE TELEVISION" for the latest articles, celebrity profiles and interviews Thursday mornings from 0820 to 0900 PDT. LARRS, the all-volunteer, commercial free, non-profit Los Angeles Radio Reading Service is 24-hour Newsradio for the Blind, an affiliate of Minnesota's Radio Talking Book Network.
10/2 Review of "True Blood"
10/7 Larry David Interviewed by David Steinberg
10/14 Review of "The Doctors"
10/21 Review of "Little Britain"

www.larrs.org
password: independence
__________________________________________________________

LOS ANGELES, CALIFORNIA -- Mathematicians at UCLA have won a $100,000 prize for discovering a Mersenne prime number (divisible by only itself and 1) -- that has 13,000,000,000 digits. It was discovered inadvertently while scientists were attempting to estimate the ultimate cost of the war in Iraq.

KING OF PRUSSIA, PENNSYLVANIA -- Four store detectives employed at the local Nordstrom's have been indicted for shoplifting. And they'd have pulled it off, too, if the lobby pianist hadn't thought his G string was flat, checked, and discovered sixteen assorted packs of Cross-Your-Heart bras stuffed in his Steinway.

CHICAGO, ILLINOIS -- Officials at Wal Mart have announced that, starting in 2009, they will phase out plastic shopping bags. They have no plans, however, to phase out the plastic smiles on the $6-per-hour retirees employed as greeters.

CALCUTTA, INDIA -- According to the latest census figures, of India's 1.1 billion people -- 5,000 of whom claim they're Jewish -- only 35 Jews live in Calcutta -- the fate of any city with only one Chinese restaurant.

HAMPTON, VIRGINIA -- More than $500 million will be needed to restore Fort Monroe, recently abandoned by the Army. The historic seaport fort was named after Marilyn Monroe in appreciation of her efforts to secure the commanding general a job as Clark Gable's stunt double in "The Misfits."

PASSAIC, NEW JERSEY -- PureCart Systems, Inc. now provides supermarkets with a high-tech cleaning machine that sprays a mist of peroxide solution on shopping carts after each use. Customers can choose the regular line for routine decontamination or the express line for 10 deadly staphylococci or fewer.

LONDON, ENGLAND -- Organizers of the 2012 Olympics have assured Muslim participants that they will not have to face Mecca while using restroom facilities provided for the Games. Toilets will be mounted on a lazy Susan so athletes can dial their defecation direction according to their individual religious beliefs.
___________________________________________________________
[] [] [] Bob's book, THE LAUGH MAKERS, which recalls his two decades on the road with Bob Hope, will be available soon from Bear Manor Media. It's a delightful, side-splitting journey back to the sketch comedy of television's Golden Age -- a long-ago era of variety, song and dance, brilliant patter and a seemingly endless parade of laughs sprung from the genius of "gag men," that talented gang of wit-blessed wordsmiths to whom the book pays well-deserved homage. Jam-packed with stories, anecdotes and unretouched photos, THE LAUGH MAKERS recalls the often-hilarious, sometimes heartwarming and always touching tales of the legendary stars who guested on The Bob Hope Show. Watch for the publication date on www.bearmanormedia.com and be sure to secure your copy early.
____________________________________________________________

MIDDLETON, CONNECTICUT -- Thirty students at Middleton High were suspended after authorities raided a "breakfast barbecue" being hosted by the senior class in the school's parking lot. When police arrived, students had their school mascot, "Porky," lashed to a spit but hadn't yet fired up the Charm-Glo.

PHOENIX, ARIZONA -- McCain recently admitted to an interviewer that he owns thirteen cars. He admitted that, at any given time, eight of them have their left turn signals stuck on "On."

LOUISVILLE, KENTUCKY -- Dr. John Patterson and the Commonwealth Eurology Clinic have been sued by Phillip Seaton, 61, for wrongful removal of his penis during surgery to reduce inflammation. Criminally, Dr. Patterson faces charges of malpractice, gross negilgence and impersonating a rabbi.

KEY WEST, FLORIDA -- State animal welfare authorities have allowed the Ernest Hemmingway Home and Museum to keep the fifty or so 6-toed cats, descendents of Papa's favorite "Snowball," that roam the grounds. On the condition that the curator install an industrial-strength scratching post.

BOSTON, MASSACHUSETTS -- Three middle school science and mathematics teachers fired for their inability to speak English have been reenstated by the state appeals court. The three, fluent in math, elatedly described the decision as "3x=6-2.09y+1/4!"

DETROIT, MICHIGAN -- The Michigan State Police have closed the Detroit Crime Lab after an investigation revealed that 10% of their cases resulted in erroneous convictions. Investigators found they had routinely used powdered donuts to dust for latent fingerprints and often misplaced the weapons planted by cops to insure convictions.

BEVERLY HILLS, CALIFORNIA -- Ed McMahon, 86, has been hired by FreeCreditRep.com to tape a series of commercials while reciting rap lyrics. They provided Ed, now working as "L'il Alpo," with a week's training by P. Diddy and a 14-caret gold front tooth.
___________________________________________________________

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___________________________________________________________

Feel free to leave comments either below or by e-mail addressed to: jokesmith@peoplepc.com. But if you don't sign your letter, you won't receive an answer. That's just the system. ED
___________________________________________________________

MONDAY, September 22, 2008

BRISTOL, RHODE ISLAND -- The new director of the Rhode Island Veterans home is Gen. Rick Baccus, former head of the Guantanamo Detention Camp. No one knows what he's doing in there, but so far, six veterans have admitted planning 9/11.

DAYTONA, FLORIDA -- A 32-year old man wading in the surf has become the 22nd shark bite victim in Volusia County this year. Lifeguards say the vacationing lawyer can thank "professional courtesy" for suffering only a nip on his heel.

BAGHDAD, IRAQ -- Petreas transfers command of US forces in Iraq to Odierno... which is a contraction of the ancient Spanish battle cry "This war stinks to high heaven, but as long as we're already here... "

FAIRBANKS, ALASKA -- A minor riot broke out in the stands during a football game between crosstown rivals Lathrop High and West Valley High. Governor Palin declared the stands a disaster area and blamed outside agitators from nearby Russia.

BIRMINGHAM, ALABAMA -- The Sixteenth Baptist Church tolled its bells on the 45th anniversary of the killing of four black girls by the Ku Klux Klan. The Klan celebrated the event with a barbecue followed by their annual "Skeets 'N' Sheets" shotgun tournament.

MIAMI BEACH, FLORIDA -- City fathers here are considering a proposal to impose a $250 fee for couples using Dade County beaches as a wedding site. The fee would include free use of medical waste for guests to
throw instead of rice.

HELENA, MONTANA -- Police will attempt to kill 50 deer to reduce their ever-increasing urban population. Alaska's Governor Palin has offered to dress the carcasses since deer and moose are, as she put it, "pretty darned similar."

BARNSTEAD, NEW HAMPSHIRE -- Two girl scouts were injured when cooking fuel spattered on them during a camp out with boy scouts at Camp Fatima. Looks like it's back to the ol' manual. No one was ever injured rubbing two sticks together.

CHARLESTON, SOUTH CAROLINA -- The state will conduct its first alligator hunt in 20 years with 1000 licensed hunters. Divided into three groups -- Group I: Wallets, Group II: Belts and Group III: Shoes.

ROME, ITALY -- A spokesman for Pope Benedict XVI announced he will not apologize for his church's condemnation of Charles Darwin following publication of "Origin of Species" 150 years ago next March. And rightly so. If the pope had to apologize for erroneous Catholic teachings, he'd scarcely have time left to oppose abortion following rape, excommunicate politicians he doesn't agree with and pardon his priest pedophiles.
___________________________________________________________
[] [] [] Bob's book, THE LAUGH MAKERS, which recalls his two decades on the road with Bob Hope, will be available soon from Bear Manor Media. It's a delightful, side-splitting journey back to the sketch comedy of television's Golden Age -- a long-ago era of variety, song and dance, brilliant patter and a seemingly endless parade of laughs sprung from the genius of "gag men," that talented gang of wit-blessed wordsmiths to whom the book pays well-deserved homage. Jam-packed with stories, anecdotes and unretouched photos, THE LAUGH MAKERS recalls the often-hilarious, sometimes heartwarming and always touching tales of the legendary stars who guested on The Bob Hope Show. Watch for th publication date on www.bearmanormedia.com and be sure to secure your copy early.
___________________________________________________________

CHATTANOOGA, TENNESSEE -- Traces of thirteen drugs including antibiotics and anti-depressants have been detected in water samples taken from the Tennessee River. Which explains why the trout caught there seem so healthy and well-adjusted lately.

BIG STONE GAP, VIRGINIA -- The new inductee into the Southwest Virginia Walk of Fame is Daniel Boone, to mark his historic impact on frontier development. Last year's honoree was Pat Boone for putting Virginia's White Bucks County on the map.

MADISON, WISCONSIN -- Campus police at the University of Wisconsin are planting GPS devices on "bait" bikes to catch bicycle thieves. So far,"Operation Lance Armstrong" has snagged twelve hard-core Schwinn snatchers.

ANCHORAGE, ALASKA -- State officials have confirmed rumors that Sarah Palin had a tanning bed installed in the governor's mansion. Aides quickly explained that the bed was used to make elk jerky, a favorite among state house staffers.

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- The Pentagon has ordered more 20-foot long bombs that can deliver two tons of explosives deep into the earth. Probably too much to hope that they'll conduct tests of the "Bunker Busters" on Cheney's.

TUCSON, ARIZONA -- The University of Arizona has scrapped its slogan "Arizona's First University" in favor of ""Arizona's World-Class University." Which barely edged out "Don't look at us -- we didn't encourage him to run!"

ORLANDO, FLORIDA -- As many as 200 homes built over an abandoned military gunnery range near the Orlando International Airport may be sitting on unexploded ordinance left behind by the Army. The threatened developments include "Del Webb's Hand Grenade Estates," "Smith & Wesson Meadows," and Donald Trump's "Run For Cover Retirement Condos."

REDDING, CALIFORNIA -- The California National has successfully located and destroyed a record 410,000 marijuana plants which they refer to as "weapons of mass hallucination."

NEW BRITAIN, CONNECTICUT -- Andrew Glover, 60, has sued the police department for ripping out his catheter during his arrest on child pornography charges. Turns out one of the vice officers was previously a male nurse at Kaiser.

SALINA, KANSAS -- A county health inspector closed down the annual Hispanic Heritage Celebration when he discovered the Mexican caterer had provided wooden tables. Seems an obscure 1898 ordinance prohibits anyone but a caucasian to picnic.

MINNEAPOLIS, MINNESOTA -- The Minnesota Twins' new ball park will be called "Target Field" under terms of a 25-year contract with the retailer. The competitive bidding could have resulted in "Bed Bath & Beyond Field," "99-Cent Store Field," or "Ross Dress For Less Field."
_____________________________________________
QUOTH THE NITWIT...

"Border relations between Canada and Mexico have never been better."

George W. Bush 9/24/2001 Montreal, Canada
_____________________________________________

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- When Michael Haden, head of the CIA, was asked by reporters why his agency has been unable to catch Osama bin Laden, he said, "Because he's hiding." You get the feeling it probably wouldn't make any difference even if he weren't?

LONDON, ENGLAND -- British artist Damien Hirst, whose works celebrating death and decay include a pickled shark and an embalmed calf, collected a record $198 million at a Sotheby's auction. The 200 works didn't include his most famous piece, a mobile made of Ted Williams' frozen head and body parts once attached to Allister Cooke.

TRENTON, NEW JERSEY -- The New Jersey Hall of Fame will install its second group of inductees that includes Jack Nicholson, Bon Jovi and F. Scott Fitzgerald. It's New Jersey's highest honor -- second only to not being on the list.

SYRACUSE, NEW YORK -- Sculptor Bruno Lucchesi will correct anachronistic errors on his statue of 1961's Heisman Trophy winner Ernie Davis, who's sporting a modern face mask and a Nike logo. Careless, but not as bad as his statue of O.J. on the front lawn of U.S.C. wearing Bruno Magli cleats.

NEW YORK, NEW YORK -- Last week, gold prices made the biggest one-day gain in history. According to his agent, Mr. T was offered three parts he didn't even audition for.

GRAND ISLAND, NEBRASKA -- Under terms of a union settlement, the Swift Meat Packing plant will allow Muslim workers a 30-minute break atsundown during Ramadan. Catholics will be allowed a 30-minute bereavement break each time another priest pedophile arrest is announced.

HELENA, MONTANA -- Responding to complaints, the trustees of the Clara Library will rule on whether "The Joy of Gay Sex" should be removed fromthe shelves. In the meantime, a sign over the check-out desk will read: "You Don't Ask, We Won't Tell."

CHARLESTON, WEST VIRGINIA -- A special panel of women veterans settled a controversy over a proposed statue honoring them by ruling that it's not too masculine. The largely symbolic work depicts six of them planting an American flag on Rosie O'Donnell.
___________________________________________________________
[] [] [] Tune in to Bob's weekly on-line radio show "INSIDE TELEVISION" for the latest articles, celebrity profiles and interviews Thursday mornings from 0820 to 0900 PDT. LARRS, the all-volunteer, commercial free, non-profit Los Angeles Radio Reading Service is 24-hour News Radio for the Blind, an affiliate of Minnesota's Radio Talking Book Network.
Upcoming schedule:
9/25 New fall TV season
10/2 Review of "True Blood"
10/7 Larry David Interviewed by David Steinberg
10/14 Review of "The Doctors"
10/21 Review of "Little Britain"

www.larrs.org
password: independence
__________________________________________________________

MARYSVILLE, TENNESSEE -- Officials at Smoky Mountain National Park say they'll eliminate a certain number of female feral pigs, but will never eliminate them completely. Not as long as they're allowed to wear lipstick, anyway.

TWIN MOUNTAIN, NEW HAMPSHIRE -- The state of New Hampshire averages 230
moose-automobile collisions a year. Almost twice that of Elks, Lions and Knights of Columbus combined.

OREM, UTAH -- Former Mormon Bruce Bastian, co-founder of WordPerfect, donated $1 million to oppose the Mormon-supported bill to overturn California's gay-marriage law. In all fairness to the LDSers, they also oppose gay polygamy.

MONTGOMERY, ALABAMA -- Alabama's infant mortality rate rose to 10 per 1000 childbirths last year and health officials intend to find out why. Maybe requiring that it be done indoors would be a step in the right direction.

FAIRBANKS, ALASKA -- A burglar used a chain saw to cut a hole through the wall of a log cabin village store. He told police his ice-sculpture business had dropped off.

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- The federal government now owns 80% of AIG, the world's largest insurance company. Didn't that used to be called Communism?

NANTES, FRANCE -- A heretofore unknown draft of a melody written by Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart was found in a library here. On the reverse of the document are lyrics of the ditty entitled "Bonaparte, We've Grown Apart Since You Left For Elba."

ANNAPOLIS, MARYLAND -- McCain attended his fiftieth class reunion of 1958 Naval Academy graduates. The guests cocktail partied, dined, danced and then watched Sarah Palin demonstrate field dressing a moose on the deck of the aircraft carrier Ronald Reagan.

NEW YORK, NEW YORK -- Henry Z. Steinway, great grandson of the legendary founder of the piano empire, died at age 93. In accordance with his final wishes, he was buried in a company-made casket with heavy legs, pedals and a bench.

ANCHORAGE, ALASKA -- McCain aides admitted that someone hacked into Sarah Palin's e-mail account, "trailortrash@firstdude.com."

BRAZILIA -- Scientists in the Amazonian rain forest have discovered the remains of a blind, subterranean ant -- three millimeters long and pale -- they believe is the first ant species to evolve on earth. The specimen was perfectly preserved in a deviled brontosaurus egg sandwich left behind by the Flintstones after a picnic.
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