Quagmyra Breckenridge

[] New Bush Iraq war plan calls for "benchmarks" that will dictate the rate of US troop withdrawal. (CBS News 10/22)

So many by Cheney's indictment... so many by Bush's impeachment... so many by Rumsfeld's execution... and so on...

_________________________________________________


[] On-field violence this season is highlighting NFL pileups that are often referred to as "torture chambers." (USA Today 10/26)

On a more positive note, several engagements have resulted.

_________________________________________________


[] Preakness winner Bernardini is an 8-5 favorite to win the Breeders Cup. (USA Today 10/26)

Not to be confused with longtime papal nuncio Pasquale Cardinal Bernardini who is referred to by many of his colleagues as a "pontiff-in-waiting."

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[] An Israeli jet fired on a German warship patrolling the coast of Lebanon. (USA Today 10/26)

The Germans should have known better than to name it the Bismark.

_________________________________________________


[] And speaking of names, officials in Bangladore, India have renamed it "Bengaluru." (USA Today 10/26)

Which barely edged out "Googleville" and "Toshiba Laptopuru."

_________________________________________________


[] Iraq's top US general Casey says, "'Operation Together Forward' has not met our overall expectations." (USA Today 10/20)

Wait 'til he sees "Operation Impeach the Commander-in-chief."

_________________________________________________


[] New York taxi rates will increase from twenty to forty cents a minute for idle time spent in traffic. (USA Today 10/26)

And the "pickup rejection" symbol will increase from one middle finger to two.

_________________________________________________


[] A new study shows that an average driver could save $396 per year on gasoline expenses by losing 100 pounds. (USA Today 10/25)

Researchers studied Mafia drivers with and without a body in the trunk.

_________________________________________________


[] Shaquille O'Neal, a deputy reserve sheriff, participated in a child porn raid which turned out to be at the wrong home. (USA Today 10/25)

In lieu of a lawsuit, the victims settled for Shaq personally inscribing their mug shots.

_________________________________________________


[] Rush Limbaugh accused Michael J. Fox of "going off his meds" before apopearing in a Democratic campaign commercial. (USA Today 10/25)

Hey, if anyone is an expert on meds, it's Rushbo.

_________________________________________________


[] Cheney tells Limbaugh "If you look at the general overall situation, our troops are doing remarkably well." (Los Angeles Daily News 10/22)

Overall, the Hindenburgh was doing fine, too----and then...

_________________________________________________


Q: What's the Spanish word for "700 mile fence"?

A: Clothesline.

_________________________________________________


[] Mens magazine Maxim will open a chain of steakhouses offering "sexy and sophisticated lighter fare." (USA Today 10/25)

The desserts are displayed on the menu's centerfold.

_________________________________________________


[] Angela Lansbury will return to Broadway after a twenty-two year absence. (Associated Press 10/24)

"S.R.O., She Wrote."

_________________________________________________


[] Two paintings missing from Harvard University for thirty years have been found and returned. (Associated Press 10/24)

Renoir's "Two Little Lambs Who Have Gone Astray" and Van Gogh's "The Table Down at Morrie's."

_________________________________________________


[] The NBA has approved a new, more uniform basketball made of a microfiber composite, replacing leather. (USA Today 10/24)

PETA is up-in-arms, claiming the switch threatens the already engangered South American Mountain Micro.

_________________________________________________


[] Tombs of royal dentists estimated to be 4000 years old have been discovered near Saqqara, Egypt. (Associated Press 10/23)

Believed to be the office of "Painless" Biscuspidamin III.

_________________________________________________


[] Malawian father reverses his consent to Madonna's adoption of his son. (USA Today 10/23)

And she thought Sean Penn gave her a bad time.

_________________________________________________


[] Britions appear to be split over whether Muslim women should be allowed to wear veils in government offices. (USA Today 10/23)

They split about the same as they do on the question of requiring Camilla Parker-Bowles to wear one.

_________________________________________________


[] Pope extends "cordial greetings" to Muslims observing their holy month of Ramadan. (USA Today 10/23)

He went even further and invited several of them over for a toddy on Christmas Eve.

_________________________________________________


[] Frito-Lay unveiled a new line of health-conscious snacks called "Flat Earth." (USA Today 10/23)

Soon to be followed by "Intelligent Design," "UFO" and "Bible Science."

_________________________________________________


[] A high-ranking State Department diplomat says "The US is ready to talk to any group except al Qaida." (Associated Press 10/22)

And possibly that gang on "The View."

_________________________________________________


[] A top State Department diplomat told an Arab news service that "There was arrogance and stupidity from the US in Iraq." (Associated Press 10/22)

He's been reassigned to investigate prisoner abuse at Guantanamo----from the inside.

_________________________________________________


[] Filthy airplanes are becoming the norm as major air carriers outsource routine cleaning to the lowest bidders. (New York Times 10/24)

Passengers on Delta are now issued a pillow, a blanket and a Dirt Devil.

_________________________________________________


[] The GOP has spent more than $3 million to retain the seat of disgraced congressman Bob Ney. (Associated Press 10/22)

Bob has even tossed some of his bribes into the pot.

_________________________________________________


[] A visitor at Crater of Diamonds State Park in Murfreesboro, Arkansas found a 5.47 caret diamond. (Associated Press 10/22)

It was on the finger of another visitor, but still...

_________________________________________________


[] Spoony Singh, founder of the Hollywood Wax Museum died at age 83. (Associated Press 10/22)

Following Indian tradition, Marilyn Monroe, Jayne Mansfield and Dagmar were thrown on his funeral pyre.

_________________________________________________


[] Bush aides insist that he won't retreat from his vision of a united, stable, secure, and democratic Iraq. (Associated Press 10/21)

You know, like we have.

_________________________________________________


[] Keith Urban, new husband of Nicole Kidmen, has checked himself into alcohol rehab. (Associated Press 10/21)

If you were constantly being compared to Tom Cruise, you'd drink too.

_________________________________________________


[] Wesley Snipes has been located in Namibia. (Associated Press 10/21)

Working on his new movie "Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Tax Avoidance But Were Afraid to Ask."

_________________________________________________


[] Haley Joel Osment has been sentenced on drunk driving and drug possession charges. (Associated Press 10/21)

"I see probation officers... "

_________________________________________________


[] NBC will excise the controversial crucifixion scene from Madonna's televised concert from London. (USA Today 10/20)

They don't want to see anyone nailed to a cross---- with the possible exception of Katie Couric.

_________________________________________________


[] The University of Wisconsin has sued Iowa's Waukie High School over their use of the letter "W" as a logo. (USA Today 10/20)

According to reliable sources, Der Weinerschnitzel is next.

_________________________________________________


[] Anheuser-Busch has teamed with rapper Jay-Z to promote Budweiser Select. (USA Today 10/20)

Beer and rap. If ever there was a match made in heaven...

_________________________________________________


[] "When there's more troops present, there's more chance of casualties," said the commander of the US 172nd "Stryker Brigade." (USA Today 10/20)

... 85th "Stating the Patently Obvious Battalion."

_________________________________________________


[] Chief military spokesman in Iraq calls the bloodshed that's raged during October "disheartening." (USA Today 10/20)

Especially for the guys supplying the blood.

_________________________________________________


[] Bush names new chief of the Department of Mine Safety. (USA Today 10/20)

Michael Brown with a canary on his shoulder.

_________________________________________________


[] The traditional brass urns which hold cremated human remains are being replaced by picture frames, pendants, wind chimes, sundials and even Teddy Bears. (USA Today 10/20)

You can even have your loved one turned into a bag of barbecue briquettes.

_________________________________________________

Calorie Countdown

[] A judge postponed the execution of an Ohio death row inmate on the grounds that lethally injecting a person so obese would constitute cruel and unusual punishment. (ABC News 10/19)

They may have to compromise and strap him to Kirstie Alley.

_________________________________________________


[] The Florida priest who molested Tom Foley as a youth has stepped forward. (ABC News 10/19)

Happened while Tom was an altar boy at Our Lady of Neverland parish near Orlando.

_________________________________________________


[] Democrats are poised to take over the House of Representatives. (Associated Press 10/18)

But Nancy Pelosi isn't measuring the Speaker's office for drapes. She plans to save the taxpayers some money by using one of Hastert's old suits.

_________________________________________________


[] Major League Baseball has licensed the Eternal Image Company to produce caskets with team colors and logos. (USA Today 10/19)

Including the "Blue Crew Extra Innings Capsule" that's shaped like a Dodger dog.

_________________________________________________


[] The U.S. population has reached 300,000,000. (USA Today 10/18)

300,000,001 if you count Madonna's new kid.

_________________________________________________


[] Intense fighting takes toll----October violence heading for near-record numbers. (USA Today 10/19)

But enough about Miami and Florida International.

_________________________________________________


[] Last year, the government spent $87 million to transport convicted prisoners by air. (USA Today 10/18)

Worse still, the cons were allowed to apply their frequent flier miles toward reduced sentences.

_________________________________________________


[] A recent survey showed that 30-year old women with graduate degrees stand a 75% chance of finding a husband. (USA Today 10/17)

100% if they also own a major sports franchise.

_________________________________________________


[] Xiamen University in Beijing will require its law and business students to take courses in golf. (USA Today 10/18)

Over there, a birdie is known as a "pressed duck."

_________________________________________________


[] Steve Wynn poked a hole in a $139 million Picasso painting he was selling. (NBC News 10/17)

Serves him right for hanging it next to a one-armed bandit.

_________________________________________________


[] Wesley Snipes has been indicted on income tax evasion charges for failing to file for ten years. (NBC News 10/17)

Willie Nelson told him nothing would happen.

_________________________________________________


[] Pope Benedict will allow priests to say mass in Latin. (Time Magazine 10/25)

Helps the coverup. How many people know the Latin word for "pedophile"?

_________________________________________________


[] Fossils of a pygmy Buffalo 2 1/2 feet tall were discovered in a cave in Cebu, Philippines. (USA Today 10/16)

Believed to have been hunted to extinction by Buffalo Billy the Kid.

_________________________________________________


[] Police in St. Petersburg, Florida are rousting church groups who feed the homeless in public parks. (USA Today 10/16)

Most are "Early Bird" soup kitchens for homeless retirees.

_________________________________________________


[] Officials in Berkeley, CA have withdrawn the free use of a boat dock by Sea Scouts because they bar atheists and gays. (USA Today 10/16)

The boys are now sailing aimlessly in their 21-foot sloop, "The S.S. Oscar Wilde."

_________________________________________________


[] Detroit voters will decide whether to ban dove hunting. (USA Today 10/17)

Not to protect the birds----to protect other hunters from Dick Cheney.

_________________________________________________


[] Wal Mart is negotiating to buy China's largest store chain for $1 billion. (Cable News Network 10/16)

Just good business. The closer you are to the sweat shops...

_________________________________________________


[] A recent survey found that 36% of people under 25 don't wear a wristwatch. (USA Today 10/16)

Mostly because they clash with their tattoos.

_________________________________________________


[] Singer Sarah Evans withdrew from "Dancing With the Stars" after filing for divorce charging her husband with adultery, verbal and emotional abuse and watching pornography. (USA Today 10/16)

... while "Dancing With the Stars" was on.

_________________________________________________


[] Los Angeles ninth annual "Fashion Week" kicked off on Sunday. (Associated Press 10/16)

With the traditional runway favorite "The Parade of Bulimics."

_________________________________________________


[] Disney will restrict sugar, fat and salt content in all food marketed with Disney characters. (Cable News Network 10/16)

The planned Spring marriage of Snow White to Ronald McDonald has been scrapped and Snow has already moved in with the Jolly Green Giant.

_________________________________________________


[] Pope Benedict XVI has named four new saints. (Cable News Network 10/16)

May not mean much to you, but Mel Gibson has now moved up four notches.

_________________________________________________


[] Scalia's "originalist" interpretation of the First Amendment requires that it be read in its 18th century context. ((USA Today 10/16)

He'd prefer a 17th century version if there was one.

_________________________________________________


[] Saddam Hussein will be sentenced on November 5. (Cable News Network 10/16)

He'll be given the choice of death by hanging, firing squad or one of his weapons of mass destruction.

_________________________________________________


[] Further atmospheric tests reveal that Korea's explosion, though less than a kilotron, was indeed a nuclear weapon. (Cable News Network 10/16)

Actually at that strength, it was only a new-cue-ler bomb, but that's good enough for Bush.

_________________________________________________


[] The Hawaiian Islands were rocked by a 6.7 earthquake. (Cable News Network 10/15)

The largest tremor since the 5.4 quake in 1981 that was so strong, it messed Jack Lord's hair.

_________________________________________________

Poetry in Motion

[] The Smithsonian National Museum is featuring an exhibit entitled "Hip-Hop Won't Stop: The Beat, The Rhyme, The Life." (USA Today 10/13)

... The Meaningless Noise, The Mindless Repetition, The Gratuitous Profanity, The Atrocious Grammar, The Ostentatious Gold Jewelry, The Tasteless Tattoos, The Dead Cops... "


_________________________________________________



[] U-2's Bono hitched a ride last week with Bush on Air Force One. (Cable News Network 10/12)

He was in town to sound mix his latest CD: "He May Be a Douche Bag But He's Our Prez."


_________________________________________________



[] Congressman Bob Ney pleads guilty to federal corruption charges. He's the fourth Republican to resign in disgrace this year. (Cable News Network 10/13)

On a brighter note, Bob's now in the running with Cunningham, DeLay and Foley for the coveted Richard Nixon Toxic Pond Scum Trophy.


_________________________________________________



[] Mel Gibson told Diane Sawyer that he sprinkled water on his hair so his mug shot "wouldn't look like Nick Nolte's." (ABC News 10/12)

But more like Paris Hilton's.


_________________________________________________



[] Pedigree and Good Humor are teaming up to produce an ice cream sandwich for dogs. (Cable News Network 10/12)

Only two flavors at first----My Balls and Kitty Poo.


_________________________________________________



[] Madonna has applied to adopt an orphan in Malawai. (AP 10/11)

If she's turned down, she' says she'll buy one from Angelina Jolie.


_________________________________________________



[] Kathy Lee Gifford will play Miss Hannigan in "Annie." (Associated Press 10/14)

In the new version, the exploited orphans work in a Taiwanese sweat shop.


_________________________________________________



[] Entertainment Tonight's Mary Hart who was first hired in 1982 has been signed for another two years. (USA Today 10/10)

To put her career in perspective, her first interview was Cher with her original face.


_________________________________________________



[] Bush and Hastert appeared together at a GOP fund-raiser in Chicago. (Cable News Network 10/12)

Now they're looking for Republican candidates willing to take the dough.


_________________________________________________



"The Foley affair is a maraschino cherry atop the Democrats' delectable sundae of Republican miseries."

George Will in the Washington Post


_________________________________________________



[] Superbowl officials are asking fans to submit ideas for a 30-second commercial to be aired during the game. (USA Today 10/16)

Anything goes except a wardrobe malfunction.


_________________________________________________



[] Harley-Davidson will soon begin selling beef jerkey. (USA Today 10/10)

With plans to add other food items later including hell's angel hair pasta.


_________________________________________________



[] New Yorkers were surprised to learn that private planes are allowed to fly freely above the city. (Cable News Network 10/12)

A practice that began back in 1937 when Mayor LaGuardia granted that exemption to Superman.


_________________________________________________



[] Republican Senator Christopher Shays compared the Foley scandal to Chappaquiddick "only nobody died." (Cable News Network 10/12)

If you don't count GOP rallying cries of family values, scripture-dipping and gay bashing.


_________________________________________________



[] Muslim cabbies in Minneapolis are refusing to pick up passengers carrying alcohol. (USA Today 10/11)

Unless it's in a Molotov cocktail.


_________________________________________________



[] Sean "P. Diddy" Combs has teamed with Burger King. (USA Today 10/11)

New menu item: the Double Cheese Heavy Gold Jewelry Whopper.


_________________________________________________



[] Young South African babblers emerging from their nests increase survival rates by responding to their parents' calls to the best foraging sites. (USA Today 10/11)

North American Babblers are trained to survive by watching "Live With Regis and Kelly."


_________________________________________________



[] After a visit to violence-torn Baghdad, Sen. John Warner concluded that the war in Iraq is "drifting sideways." (Cable News Network 10/10)

Warner hasn't unleashed a shocker like that since he announced he was marrying Liz Taylor.


_________________________________________________



[] Top British general in Iraq says, "We've kicked in the door, now it's time to leave." (Cable News Network 10/13)

He's the commander of the elite 108th Bruce Lee-Tony Lama Royal Cavaliers.


_________________________________________________



[] US experts have dismissed the idea, believed initially, that the North Korean nuclear test may have been faked. (Associated Press 10/14)

Gives you a sense of security, doesn't it? These guys can't find weapons of mass destruction even when they're there.


_________________________________________________



[] Gerald Ford was admitted to the Eisenhower Medical Center for tests. (USA Today 10/13)

Complaining of dizziness, an irregular heartbeat, and an uncontrollable desire to pardon Dennis Hastert.


_________________________________________________
Address comments to: Jokesmith@peoplepc.com

White Man Speak With Forked Tongue

[] The Army has replaced its slogan "Army of One," used since 2001, with "Army Strong." (USA Today 10/10)

Complete motto: "Army Strong... but commander-in-chief is blithering idiot."

________________________________________________


[] A new study shows that marijuana may delay the onset of Alzheimers disease. (HBO 10/6)

Biggest clue came when Whitney Houston suddenly remembered she's married to Bobby.

________________________________________________


[] Rice meets with Iraqi prime minister Nouri Kamal al-Maliki on a surprise visit to Baghdad. (New York Times 10/6)

They discussed the insurgency, US troop strength and the possibility of hooking up after the war.

________________________________________________


[] Today, the high court justices ask many questions during oral argument, with the exception of the typically silent Clarence Thomas. (USA Today 10/6)

Who's the official poster boy for Bush-----the "Child Left Behind."

________________________________________________


[] Wrote Russian journalist Anna Politkovskaya, assassinated by agents of Vladimir Putin: "... Nobody seeks justice in law courts which flaunt their subservience and partisanship." (Associated Press 10/9)

Know any court like that?

_________________________________________________


[] Pennsylvania congressman Don Sherwood apologized to his constituants for abusing his mistress. (New York Times 10/7)

Seems one of his weekly Motel 8 S&M sessions got a little rough while they were playing "Karl Rove Comes To Fix Ann Coulter's Faucet."

_________________________________________________


[] Bob Woodward's book "State of Denial" claims that Henry Kissinger is a frequent guest at the White House to advise Bush on the Iraq war. (Associated Press 10/5)

He's reportedly in favor of invading Cambodia.

_________________________________________________


[] After the ambassadors from Latvia and Thailand dropped out of the race for UN chief, South Korea's Bon Ki Moon was tapped to succeed Kofi Anon. (USA Today 10/6)

The final decision was made by Simon Cowell and Paula Abdul.

________________________________________________


[] French National Assembly will ban smoking in public places. (New York Times 10/6)

With the exception of that legally required after sex.

________________________________________________


[] Researchers have discovered a 379.1 foot tall Coast Redwood believed to be the world's tallest tree. ( SF Chronicle 10/8)

They did it by following the world's tallest dog.

________________________________________________


[] A New York man was released from prison after serving 21 years for a rape that DNA testing proved he didn't commit. (Cable News Network 10/6)

Lucky he didn't live in Texas. He'd have been dead now for 21 years.

________________________________________________


[] San Quintin death row inmate claims injection methods are poorly designed and administered by an untrained staff. (SF Chronicle 10/8)

Provided by Kaiser.

________________________________________________


[] Nimitz Class aircraft carrier "George Herbert Walker Bush" is christened at Newport News, Va. (Associated Press 10/8)

Sister ship, the "USS Rudderless," will honor his son's legacy.

________________________________________________


[] Schwarzenegger vetoes universal health care bill, labeling the plan "socialized medicine." (San Francisco Chronicle 10/8)

No surprise here. That's one of the reasons he defected from Austria.

________________________________________________


[] A Florida man has formed the first pizza deliverymans union. (Associated Press 10/8)

In the event of a wage dispute, if they fail to form a picket line within a half hour, they work free.

________________________________________________


[] Documentary "Jesus Camp" examines evangelical summer camps for kids. (San Francisco Chronicle 10/8)

Most popular of which is Jerry Falwell's "Camp Thump-a-Bible."

_________________________________________________

Ready... Aim...

[] The plane carrying Condoleezza Rice was delayed landing in Baghdad due to hostile ground fire. (Cable News Network 10/5)

Seems a couple of our lads whose tour of duty was extended decided that real bullets for the secretary's usual 21-gun salute would be in order.


________________________________________________


[] Foley's lawyer told reporters that his client is a long-time alcoholic. (USA Today 10/3)

"Grossly insulting to legitimate alcholics," said Hyman Bloomberg, spokesman for Mel Gibson.


________________________________________________


[] Malibu septic tanks are suspected as the source of contamination flowing into the bay. (USA Today 10/5)

Until now, no one knew what happened to old scripts from failed prime-time sitcoms.


________________________________________________


[] Los Angeles Laker coach Phil Jackson is recouperating from successful hip replacement surgery. (USA Today 10/5)

The operation was a snap. The hard part was finding a willing donor among his benched players.


________________________________________________


[] Barton County Kansas Community College track coach Lance Brauman was sentenced to a year in federal prison for embezzlement. (USA Today 10/3)

His trial was delayed. The FBI had to press some of his team members into service to help run him down.


________________________________________________


[] Tennessee Titans defensive lineman Albert Haynesworth stomped on Dallas Cowboy center Andre Gurode's face, inflicting wounds requiring thirty sutures to close. (USA Today 10/3)

And to make matters worse, he was clearly offsides.


________________________________________________


[] Despite being winless since 1995, Patrick McEnroe has been signed to coach the US Davis Cup team for another two years. (USA Today 10/3)

Kind of like hiring Rumsfeld to teach Anti-Insurgency Warfare at West Point.


________________________________________________


[] The New York Metropolitan Transportation Authority will soon install sensors that will analyze air in the coaches for toxic substances. (USA Today 10/4)

Up until now, they've only had one for urine.


________________________________________________


[] Rice claims she "doesn't remember" a pre-9/11 al Qaida warning from the CIA.(USA Today 10/3)

And, as a demonstration of her good faith, she's checked herself into a convenient lapse of memory rehab clinic.


________________________________________________


[] The late Sonny Bono and his wife, Mary, worked closely with Congressman Foley to boost ties between Republicans and the Hollywood community. (USA Today 10/3)

But they could come up with only one convert----Michael Jackson.


________________________________________________


[] Little Rock, Arkansas officials have replaced "City of Roses" with "The Rock" as the city's official nickname. (USA Today 10/3)

Trading names with Alcatraz, now known as "Rose Island."


________________________________________________


[] Catholic Supreme Court justices Roberts, Scalia, Kennedy and Thomas attended a "Red Mass" at the Cathedral of St. Matthew the Apostle in Washington. (USA Today 10/2)

The "red" in red mass symbolizes the blood splattered about when they slice the balls off of the Separation of of Church and State doctrine.


________________________________________________

Page Turner

[] Republican Mark Foley resigned his House seat after suggestive e-mails to a male page came to light----statements included "Do I make you horny?... well, strip down and get naked." (Associated Press 9/30)

GOP leaders vowed to root such behavior out of Congress and send it back to the sacristy where it belongs.

________________________________________________


[] The President and First Lady hosted a black tie gala to launch the National Book Festival. (USA Today 9/30)

Anytime Bush is in the same room with a book it merits a black tie gala.

________________________________________________


[] Congress has okayed a bill to construct a 700-mile-long fence along the US-Mexican border. (USA Today 9/30)

With a 1,300-mile-wide gate.

________________________________________________


[] New, high tech sound editing software proves that Neil Armstrong was correct when he insisted he actually said "One small step for a man... " (Associated Press 10/1)

Followed by "Oops. Hand me the Pooper Scooper."

________________________________________________


[] The Sons of Confederate Veterans have objected to Sen. Mark Allen admitting that he failed to grasp that the Confederate flag could be offensive to minorities. (USA Today 9/25)

Offensive? Just because they use it to line birdcages?

________________________________________________


[] A West Point cadet has been convicted of rape----the first since women were admitted in 1976. (Cable News Network 9/29)

Duty... Honor... Country... DNA.

________________________________________________


[] Michael Jackson and Deborah Rowe agree on custody rights of their two children. (Associated Press 9/30)

She gets to take them to the park and he gets to dangle them from balconies.

________________________________________________


[] The Los Angeles Archdiocese is close to a settlement that would pay forty-five sexual abuse victims $60 million. (Los Angeles Daily News 9/30)

Hang up wasn't the money, but Cardinal Rog Mahoney's refusal to have his testicles put on display as official relics at our Lady of the Endless Stonewall Cathedral.

________________________________________________


[] Two Palm Beach FL priests embezzled $8.6 million from St. Vincent Ferrer Catholic church to pay gambling debts. (USA Today 9/29)

In the padres' defense, you can't molest underage one-armed bandits.

________________________________________________


[] Pope tells Castle Gondolfo audience that "the Church does not force anyone to accept the message of the gospel." (USA Today 9/29)

He was in town to excommunicate Madonna.

________________________________________________


[] Former White House chief-of-staff Andrew Card denies allegations in Bob Woodward's Book that he tried to get rid of Rumsfeld. (Fox News 10/1)

"Ut tu, Andrew?"

________________________________________________


[] Bush says he retains the "fullest" confidence in Rumsfeld. (Cable News Network 10/1)

As opposed to "full" confidence which, to this grammar-challenged ignoramus, just doesn't seem quite full enough.

________________________________________________


[] Al-Zawahari accuses Bush of being a "deceitful liar" and the pope of launching another Crusade. (Associated Press 9/30)

And both were elected by ballots that had to be burned afterwards.

________________________________________________


Terrall Owens called A.T. & T. and signed up for Suicide Call Waiting.

________________________________________________


[] John Gotti, Jr. won his third consecutive mistrial on racketeering charges. (CBS News 9/28)

After jurors received a personal invitation to an overnight at the Red Lobster.

________________________________________________


[] Danny Flores who wrote the 1958 classic "Tequila" has passed away at age 77. (People Magazine 10/9)

According to his final wishes, he was creamated and his ashes placed in an urn with a salted rim.

________________________________________________


[] A New York City judge has dismissed David Gest's $10 million spousal abuse lawsuit against his former wife, Liza Minnelli. (AP 9/28)

Looks like Liza's $10 mil will continue sitting alone on the shelf.

________________________________________________


[] F.E.M.A. will donate thousands of unused travel trailers to church groups, charitable organizations and Indian tribes. (Fox News 10/1)

"Good job, Brownie!"

________________________________________________

Trombone Lady

[] Barbara Walters turned 76 this week. (CBS News 9/26)

In her honor, Bush signed a proclamation allowing her to torture Star Jones.

________________________________________________


[] "60 Minutes" launched its 39th season on CBS. (USA Today 9/26)

The cast celebrated with on-air colonoscopies.

________________________________________________


[] Fox will produce faith-themed films. (Time Magazine 10/3)

In "Jackass III," Jesus will be riding it.

________________________________________________


[] Accused polygamist Warren Jeffs says he willing to stay in jail for several weeks until the state of Utah decides whether to prosecute him for bigamy. (USA Today 9/29)

It's the most peace and quiet he's had in 20 years.

________________________________________________


[] Twenty-two sketches and watercolors believed to be the work of Adolf Hitler fetched $220,000 at auction. (Associated Press 9/27)

The most recognizable of which is his "Nude Descending Herman Goering."

________________________________________________


[] Using laser scanning, art experts have discovered a cloth shawl on Mona Lisa that was commonly worn by pregnant women at the time. (Associated Press 9/27)

They even spotted the faint outline of a "Babies-R-Us" label in Italian.

________________________________________________


[] Paris Hilton has been formally charged with DUI. (Associated Press 9/27)

A charge of gifting In-N-Out Burger with gratutious media exposure was dropped by Carl's, Jr.

________________________________________________


[] The Game Show Network is hosting a "National Vocabulary Championship" with a $40,000 prize going to the winner. (USA Today 9/27)

Plus a trophy to be known as the "George W. Bush Cup."

________________________________________________


[] Record rain and severe heat waves have resulted in a shortage of pumpkins for Halloween. (Time Magazine 10/3)

Kids are being given classes in how to carve a face in an eggplant.

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Admit it----you'd just love to get the lowdown on that creep who keeps showing up at the Alanon meetings... or the lovable pervert who lives over on Elm? Relax. Help is but a click away ]----------------------->
_______________________________________________


[] Boeing has landed a $67 million contract to install a "virtual" wall along the US-Mexican border. (Time Magazine 10/2)

Using lost luggage donated by their airline customers.

________________________________________________


[] The "Shape-Up" weight-loss system endorsed by Dr. Phil paid $10.5 million after being exposed as a fraud. (USA Today 9/26)

In the good doctor's defense, the pills did grow hair.

________________________________________________


[] Freshmen at top-rated colleges including Brown, Cornell and Yale outscored seniors in a history quiz. (USA Today 9/26)

Of course. They have more of it to remember.

________________________________________________


[] Pope meets with Muslim leaders, proclaims "a profound respect for Islam."(USA Today 9/26)

So much respect, he ordered that all parish Bingo games be played while facing Mecca.

________________________________________________


[] Kazakahstan's foreign minister Kasymzhomart Tokayev and president Nursultan Nazarbayev lunched with Bush at the White House. (USA Today 9/26)

The chef had to use Scrabble tiles for the place settings.

________________________________________________


[] Top Army generals agree that their forces are stretched painfully thin----tours of duty in Iraq and Afghanistan are being extended. (ABC News 5/25)

Can you say "draft"?

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[] Bill O'Rielly's book, "Culture Warrior," has gone on sale. (USA Today 9/26)

It's expected to quickly eclipse Ann Coulter's book as a "Freak-Of-The-Month-Club" selection.

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[] China charges US zoos $1 million per year to lease a panda. (LA Zoo 9/24)

Even decent-looking knockoffs go for $600,000.

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[] Bill O'Reilly claims he's on the Al Qaida hit list. (HBO 9/25)

An al Qaida spokesman issued a denial, telling reporters, "We're really after Jack Reilly who played Mr. Carlin on the Bob Newhart Show."

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[] The average woman shopper is a size 14. The average model is a size 4. (USA Today 9/26)

A spokesman for Bloomingdale's chalked up the extra ten sizes to "profit margin."

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[] Eighty-three military recruiters have been charged with sexually abusing potential recruits, some as young as 16. (Cable News Network 9/25)

The majority are members of the 104th Kobe Bryant Reconnaissance Regiment, Jerry Lee Lewis Honor Brigade.

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Irish Eyes Are Smiling

[] The US Ryder Cup team is trounced for the third consecutive time by the Europeans. Tiger Woods' Ryder record now stands at 10-13-2. (Associated Press 9/24)

Woods won't play well in it until it's renamed the "Ryder Truck Rental Open" and offers a two million dollar purse.

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[] While the US was losing the Ryder Cup, American tennis players were being eliminated from the Davis Cup by Russia. (USA Today 9/25)

On a more positive note, US athletes still lead the world in spousal abuse.

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[] Tampa Bay Bucaneers Chris Simms had to have his spleen removed after being injured in the team's loss to the Carolina Panthers on Sunday. (USA Today 9/25)

Maybe the NFL is getting too rough. Now the "sack" comes with bodily organs in it.

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[] Pope Benedict XVI invites envoys from Muslim nations to meet with him----Turkey and Iran quickly accept. (Associated Press 9/23)

This time, he'll try to convince them that he was really talking about Muhammad Ali.

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[] The National Association of Evangelicals has launched "Muslim Prayer Forums" in which Christians will ask God to help Muslims accept Jesus. (Associated Press 9/23)

Allah isn't used to granting favors to Christians, but, hey----this just might work.

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[] Jerry Falwell says he hopes Democrats nominate Hillary Clinton because she'd mobilize his backers "even more than Satan would." (Los Angeles Times 9/24)

Does Jere really believe she could recreate that distinctive Bush/Beelzebub "sulphur odor"?

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[] Bush blinks----accepts McCain's "Spirit of the Geneva Convention" terrorist interrogation guidelines. (New York Times 9/21)

Among the new do's and don'ts:

Acceptable: Attaching moistened genitals to a fully-charged Sears Die-Hard

Unacceptable: Forcing prisoners to watch Bush try to pronounce"nuclear"

Acceptable: Waterboarding to extract location of top-ranking Al Qaida members

Unacceptable: Waterboarding to extract location of Bush twins

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[] Army now explains living wills to troops because so many of them return from Iraq in a coma. (USA Today 9/25)

Like the one their commander-in-chief must have been in when he planned this thing.

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[] Rumsfeld is about to become the longest-serving Defense Secretary in US history. (USA Today 9/25)

World history if you don't count Martin Goebbels.

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[] A website manned by volunteer Catholic priests answers questions from the faithful via e-mail. (Los Angeles Times 9/24)

A special feature designed after "Ask Jeeves" invites inquisitive teens to "Ask Father Digits."

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[] Archeologists in Ethiopia have discovered the fossilized remains of a child believed to be three million years old. (Los Angeles Times 9/24)

Artifacts dug up nearby included trinkets, beads and a Flintstones lunch box.

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[] A French newspaper printed a report that Osama bin Laden died of typhoid fever in September. (Los Angeles Times 9/24)

While waiting for his Afghanistan war veteran's medical benefits.

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[] Lawyers for Oprah Winfrey have threatened to sue a Kansas City man who is promoting Oprah for president on the internet. (Kansas City Star 9/23)

Patrick Crowe says he'll redirect his efforts toward electing Oprah's running mate----Ellen DeGeneres.

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[] Paring his show's budget, "Saturday Night Live" producer Lorne Michaels has let five cast members go. (USA Today 9/22)

With typical SNL bravado, several were spotted outside NBC smoking something rolled up in their pink slips.

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[] Playskool has recalled 255,000 toy tool sets. (USA Today 9/22)

Seems that some of the more mechanically sophisticated tots were able to improvise explosive devices by watchng Iraq war news footage.

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[] Wal Mart and Target have squared off in a prescription drug war, offering some generics as low as $4. (ABC News 9/22)

The war began at dawn on Friday when two pharmacists faced each other with matching pestles.

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[] N.A.S.A. officials blamed weightlessness in space after Atlantis astronaut Heidemarie Stefanyshyn-Piper fainted twice at a welcome home ceremony in Houston. (Associated Press 9/23)

Likely story. They probably showed her the bill.

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[] Ban on taking liquids aboard airliners is lifted. (Associated Press 9/25)

With the possible exception of nitroglycerine.

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[] A Columbus, Ohio auto dealer offers "Fatwa Fridays" where kids are given free swords. (USA Today 9/25)

Moms get a free burka with the logo of their son's soccer team printed on it.

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Poparazzi

[] Al Qaida vows jihad against the Vatican----Muslim leaders demand an apology----Pope Benedict XVI says he regrets the reaction to his comments in the Muslim world. (ABC News 9/18)

Vatican lawyers are working around the clock to find a loophole in that infallibility thing he's so proud of.

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[] Vatican dispatches papal nuncios to Muslim countries to perform damage control. (USA Today 9/19)

"Nuncio" is a Latin word meaning "Holy Catholic and Apostolic Spinmeister."

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[] Benedict's plans to visit Turkey in November will go forward----with increased security. (USA Today 9/21)

I'll say. His Swiss Guards have been issued lead-lined tutus.

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[] An amateur ornithologist in India has discovered the first new bird species found there in over 50 years----the "Bungun Liocichia," a breed of babbler. (Time Magazine 9/25)

It's already been designated the official bird of "The View."

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[] According to the Public Library of Science Medicine, the average life expectancy in Minnesota is 78.8 years while Californians live to 78.2. (USA Today 9/19)

Easily explainable. Minnesotan corpses need that extra six months just to thaw out.

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[] Police in Breaux Bridge, LA charged Willie Nelson with possession of marijuana and hallucinatory mushrooms. (USA Today 9/19)

Seems Willie decided to take matters into his own hands after Papa John refused to make him a controlled substance pizza.

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[] A former press officer with Homeland Security pleads guilty of attempting to date a 14-year old girl online. (USA Today 9/20)

It's not nice to fool Neil Clark Warren.

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[] In his new book "State of Emergency," Pat Buchanan points out that immigrants from Mexico outnumber all English, Irish and Jewish immigrants arriving over the past 400 years. (USA Today 9/19)

Which would have been different if Jews were willing to pick lettuce.

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Admit it----you'd just love to get the lowdown on that creep who keeps showing up at the Al Anon meetings... or the lovable pervert who lives over on Elm. Relax. Help is but a click away ]----------------------------------------------->

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[] Turkish novelist and University of Arizona professor of Middle Eastern studies Elif Shafar is being tried in Istanbul for "insulting Turkishness" in a recent book. (USA Today 9/20)

Not quite as insulting as the pope's insult of "Muslimness," but insulting.

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[] Scientists have discovered what they believe is the first "walking shark" on the ocean floor off the coast of Indonesia. (ABC News 9/18)

Big deal. Lawyers have always known how to walk.

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[] USC officials have complained to ABC/ESPN about comments by Brent Musburger that revealed secret hand signals Trojan quarterback John Booty was using in USC's win against Nebraska. (USA Today 9/20)

Actually, Brent got them from Scooter Libby who got them from Robert Novak.

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[] Thirty baseballs autographed by Pete Rose along with the inscription "I'm sorry I bet on baseball" are upfor auction on eBay. (USA Today 9/19)

Also available in a gift set with an autographed football from O.J. saying "Sorry I killed Ron and Nicole."

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[] Five Duquesne basketball players were shot outside a school dance by an unidentified gunman. (USA Today 9/19)

Yet another example of the alarming rise in campus binge-sniping.

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[] The National Park Service is considering a plan to poison prairie dogs that invade grazing land in National Parks leased to cattle ranchers. (USA Today 9/20)

The ones not already destroyed by motorcycles and all terrain vehicles.

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[] The White House office of National Drug Control Policy will run anti-drug videos on YouTube. (USA Today 9/20)

Narrated by Rush Limbaugh.

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[] Sponsors now pay to "integrate" product references in TV story lines. (USA Today 9/20)

Even crime dramas are not immune to the insidious hype----like this season's "CSI: Proctor & Gamble."

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[] Ecology-conscious communities are installing sidewalks made from discarded auto tires that are less damaging to trees and roots. (USA Today 9/20)

The sidewalks along Rodeo Drive are made exclusively from old Michelin steel-belted radials.

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[] NASA scientists theorize that the objects seen following the space shuttle Atlantis could be a small pieces that fell off the craft. (USA Today 9/20)

New rule at NASA: No more valet parking.

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POLL QUESTION: Will Bush invade Iran within a year?
To vote, write to: Jokesmith@peoplepc.com and write "Yes" or "No" in the Subject Box. Results will be announced in a future post.

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Ecclesiasticatastrophe

[] Turkey and Pakistan condemn Pope Benedict XVI, likening him to Hitler and Mussolini for calling Islam's founder "evil and inhuman." Said Turkey's Deputy Prime Minister, "He has a dark mentality that comes from the darkness of the Middle Ages... the result of pitiful ignorance." (Associated Press 9/16)

Also the result of hiring Ann Coulter as a speechwriter.

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[] A Senate panel led by Senators John McCain, John Warner and Lindsey Graham rejected Bush's interpretation of the Geneva Convention rules. (New York Times 9/15)

Bush reportedly told an aide, "I didn't even know about the convention and, even if I did, I wouldn't have attended it anyway."

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[] Victims of spinach-borne e.coli bacteria reaches 109----more brands recalled. (USA Today 9/18)

Under his interpretation of the Geneva Convention, Bush ordered the CDC to put the thumbscrews to the Jolly Green Giant until he comes clean.

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[] A judge in Miami sentenced an 87-year old woman to 31 years in prison for murder. (Associated Press 9/16)

"I'll die before I can serve 31 years," said Maria Otero. "Do the best you can," said the judge.

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[] L. W. McNutt, Jr., who as president of the Colin Street Bakery built the company into the world's largest mail-order fruit cake distributor, passed away at age 81. (Los Angeles Times 9/16)

He won't be buried or cremated----he'll be stored in the freezer.

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[] Allegations of fraud leveled by the N.C.A.A. could cost Heisman winner Reggie Bush his trophy. (Los Angeles Times 9/16)

Worse, he could be forced to give it to O.J.

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[] The British government has imparted "protected heritage" status on a Liverpool basement where the Beatles first performed together. (Associated Press 9/16)

Still awaiting approval is the Soho pub where Yoko Ono coldcocked Paul McCartney.

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[] Officials in Iraq plan to dig a 60-mile-long trench around Baghdad to keep out insurgents. (New York Times 9/16)

Once they get the water in it, Australia has promised them an unlimited supply of crocodiles.

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[] John Gotti, Jr. has written a childrens book in prison. (CBS News 9/15)

Entitled "The Grinch Who Whacked Lucky Luciano."

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[] Ford has discontinued production of the Lincoln Town Car. (CBS News 9/15)

After saving a black one to take executives to the company's funeral.

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[] A 3,000-year old slab found in Veracruz, Mexico is the oldest script ever discovered in the Western Hemisphere. (New York Times 9/15)

If you don't count the pilot script for "Murder She Wrote."

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[] With support from the N.R.A., the state of Wyoming is seeking federal approval of its policy allowing husbands convicted of beating their wives to own a gun. (Associated Press 9/16)

Hey, it's not like these guys held up a bank or something.

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[] NASA's QuickScat satellite shows that the Arctic's perennial sea ice has lost an area the size of Texas. (Associated Press 9/16)

Would that it had actually been Texas.

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[] For the first time, scientists have deciphered the genetic code of a tree. (Associated Press 9/16)

They began by studying the personality of Sen. Bill Frist and worked back.

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[] Michele Wei finished last in the 84 Lumber Classic, the sixth consecutive PGA event in which she's missed the cut. (Los Angeles Times 9/16)

Nike and Sony won't ask for their $10 million back, but they'd appreciate it if she'd remove their logos from her stuff.

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[] Andrew Lloyd Webber will stage a production of "The Sound of Music" in London. (Associated Press 9/18)

That low rumble you hear is the sound of Rogers and Hammerstein in full spin mode.

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