SUNDAY, February 22, 2009

Human Resource Reduction

The Real McCoys, produced by Danny Thomas, aired on ABC Television from 1957 to 1963. The show, one of the most successful early sitcoms, starred Walter Brennan as Grampa, Richard Crenna as his son, Luke, and Kathy Nolan as Luke's wife, Kate. They had two kids, Hassie and Little Luke and a handyman named Pepino.

Many of the scripts for The Real McCoys were written by my friend, the late Everett Greenbaum and his partner Jim Fritzell. In his delightful autobiography The Goldenberg Who Couldn't Dance (Harcourt Brace Janovich 1980), Ev wrote this passage which, I think, sums up the ephemeral quality of success in Hollywood:

The audience watching a successful TV show in one evening is larger than the total audience for the entire run of most movies. An actor appearing weekly in a series receives overwhelming fame and adulation. If he appears in a public place, mobbing is possible. New friends come out of the woodwork. Hangers-on tell him that he alone is responsible for the popularity of the show; never mind the writers, the other actors, the director, producer and film editors.

Now, since he is well known, he gets offers to appear in motion pictures and plays, the things he has always wanted to do. But instead, he is a prisoner in a dark, drafty TV sound stage for 60 hours a week.His agents and business managers step in. The actor is unhappy. More money is demanded and granted. The unhappiness persists. New demands! A lush dressing room. More time off. And so forth. This is the injustice syndrome.

On The Real McCoys, Kathy Nolan, who played Kate, had it bad. After several years on the show, she refused to renew her contract unless she got even more money, script approval, and the opportunity to direct. Irving Pincus [the Pincus brothers, Norman and Irving, produced the show] called us in.“

"Boys," he said, "at the opening of the next show, Grampa and Luke have just returned from Kate's funeral. Go home and write it as fast as you can."”As we went out the door, he stopped us. “As long as you're at it, let's drop the kids. Little Luke can be away in the Army and Hassie's off to college."

I'll never forget the opening line we wrote for the next script. Grampa and Luke come in the front door. “"I just don't understand it, Grampa," Luke says. "It all happened so fast!”
__________________________________

The Laugh Makers is now available on Amazon.com and Barnes & Nobel.com! Please post a review, if you would, at both sites. Apparently, reviews help potential purchasers (who aren't as familiar with my writing style as you folks are) to commit. Thanks!

And, if you haven't visited the sample chapter (the historic 1979 visit of the Hope show to China in 1979 as well as my return there in 2007) take a look. Some new photos have been posted!

www.laughmakers.blogspot.com




KBLG 7 Action News

From the KBLG Newsroom in Los Angeles, here is anchor, Blitz Wolfman…

(UP ON BLITZ AT ANCHOR DESK)

BLITZ

Hello. I’m Blitz Wolfman and this is the news… President Barack Obama made his first official state visit to a foreign country on Thursday, but not before asking his new attorney general for a legal ruling that Canada is, indeed, a foreign country. Convinced that it is, Obama boarded Air Force One and flew to Ottawa for a seven-hour visit, during which he engaged in high level talks with Canadian Prime Minister Steven Harper at Parliament Hill. The two leaders discussed the North American Free Trade Agreement, the war in Afghanistan and Canada’s vast oil reserves before Obama delivered an official apology for the eight years of George W. Bush. According to aides, he plans to do the same during all future visits to U.S. allies, apologizing to Mexico for Dick Cheney, England for Donald Rumsfeld and France for Condoleezza Rice. If he ever gets to Ethiopia, they’ll get one for Karl Rove. The president hopes it will become a tradition that will extend far beyond his two terms… In a show of reciprocal good will, Harper awarded Canada’s coveted Nelson Eddy Cup to Alex Trebek. Surrounded by a double line of Royal Canadian Mounted Police, Obama laid a wreath at the Tomb of Peter Jennings before boarding Air Force One for the flight home… In a report to the president delivered yesterday, the Pentagon has concluded that the military detention center at Guantanamo Bay meets the standards for humane treatment established by the Geneva Convention accords. The report, signed by Admiral Patrick M. Walsh, assures Obama that all water-boarding is strictly carried out by guards using pure, bottled water --- never, or almost never, with water obtained from the tap which has been determined by Cuban Public Health officials to contain harmful bacteria. Moreover, the report contends, any fingernails extracted during interrogations are cleaned, buffed and polished by a Pentagon-approved manicurist prior to being returned to the detainee. However, human rights activists say this directly contradicts charges lodged last month with the International Red Cross by detainee Muhammad Abdul “Stubby” Ali-Baba… Secretary of State Hillary Clinton concluded a week-long tour of Asia with a stop in Beijing. She reportedly asked several high-ranking Chinese officials if they are satisfied with Barack Obama’s conduct so far as he attempts to extricate his Chinese-owned country from imminent financial ruin. The officials appeared to be cordial and ready to defer payment on billions of outstanding loans currently being used to keep the U.S. afloat. They continue to insist that they will allow American leaders to manage their own international affairs although they will, according to a UN interpreter, “voice suggestions from time to time regarding the conduct of the government.” When Clinton raised the topic of China’s treatment of Tibet, she was reminded of the record of Texas with regard to execution rates. The discussion apparently concluded in a stalemate. And now, here’s Biff Ridgely with sports…

(CUT TO BIFF)

BIFF

Thank you, Blitz. Good news for Michael Phelps. After being dropped as an official spokesman for Kellogg, he got news today that the bong he was pictured smoking pot in was sold on e-bay for $368,244 and, under his endorsement deal with Recreational Thongs ‘n’ Bongs of North America, Inc., he’ll receive one-third of the proceeds. On Friday, Bill Maher said in his opening monologue on HBO that “ Michael’s pot smoking wasn’t nearly as harmful as the chlorine he’s been marinating in his whole swimming career.” Good point, Bill. Now A-Rod is demanding equal time and Michael Vick hopes Bill is a dog-owner… Manager Joe Torre blames his “naiveté” for not noticing Alex Rodriguez‘s long-running steroid use. The Velcro strip installed on A-Rod’s ball cap to allow it to be enlarged three inches per season was, according to Joe, “something I should have noticed -- especially when the bat boy started using the brim for shade.”… NASCAR’s most popular driver, Dale Earnhardt, Jr. insists that he didn’t intend to “wreck all them cars” at last weekend’s Daytona 500 and denied persistent rumors that he’ll soon promote dental health south of the Mason-Dixon Line with a new sponsor, “1-800-DENTIST” and that he’ll rename his car “The Joy of Novocain.” Meanwhile, Matt Kenseth’s crew chief, Earl-Billy Fester, denied he was fined by NASCAR officials for failing to wear shoes in the pits, a clear violation of the rules. He also denied reports that he may leave Kenseth for Brian Vickers’ Team White Trash. That’s KBLG sports to the hour. Back to you, Blitz…

(CUT TO BLITZ)

BLITZ

Thanks, Biff. And here are some stories we’re working on for the eleven… Price-Waterhouse is denying charges that they tampered with Academy Award votes and that the actual winner for “Best Picture” on Sunday’s telecast was Paul Blart Mall Cop… Barbara Walters is wearing a neck brace she claims is the result of a hammerlock Mickey Rourke threw on her following her Sunday night interview of the Oscar nominee. Film at eleven right here on KBLG Action News!

(FADE TO COMMERCIAL)

_______________________________

[] FREE MEMBERSHIP: Subscribers in California, Las Vegas, Chicago, Washington, DC, New York and Boston (or those planing to visit) are invited to join Goldstar Events, a website offering drastically reduced tickets to major entertainment venues including live theater, comedy, sports, music and much more! Your FREE MEMBERSHIP includes e-mail notification of events opening near you. You'll love this online service that allows you to print your own tickets, often for about the cost of a movie! Check it out now! https://www.goldstarevents.com/join?p=F471918RP (or click on the "I Got a Goldstar" button in the right hand column)

Sunday, February 1, 2009

A HOMEY PRAYER COMPANION

It’s been a busy week in my hometown of Lake Misbegotten…

• Deacon Holmquist over at Our Lady of Perpetual Plate-Passing announced during Sunday services that the Ladies Sodality will host a pancake breakfast to help defray Mildred Bumgartner’s rising medical bills. According to the buzz at the Chattering Teeth Café, Mildred had recently confided to friends that she had a date with the stork. No, no, she’s not pregnant -- she had a date with an actual stork she claims she met and fell in love with while on a 4-H Club tour of the new aviary over at Pine Mulch.
  

• Well, her friends thought that a bit odd, so they made an appointment for her at the Amy Semple McPherson Mental Health Clinic & Spa. After administering a series of diagnostic procedures recently developed in Latvia, the docs concluded that Mildred is suffering from what’s referred to within the medical community as mallardiphobia, a rare but not entirely unknown condition whose symptoms include fever, chills and an inordinate desire to experience carnal knowledge with water fowl.
  

• As some of you may recall, a few years back, Mildred was interrogated by sheriff’s deputies at the Botox County Fair after someone reported observing her under the livestock judging bleachers en flagrante delicto with a goose. Unfortunately, the victim was ol’ Homer Billingsley’s prize gander, “Mr. Pecker“ and the unfortunate incident cost him the blue ribbon that year. According to the intel at the Chattering Teeth, the docs at the clinic suspect that Mildred’s problem may have begun right after graduation from Bruno Hauptmann High when she opted to skip college in favor of full-time entry level employment at Foster Farms as a down-sorter. It was there, you’ll recall, that she met her husband-to-be, Harold, who was a beak-separator while supplementing his income selling used lariats to traveling rodeo cowboys.
  

• The couple soon married, settled down and led what appeared to be a normal life -- if you don‘t count the criminal charges, later dropped according to court records, that accused Harold of participating in three-way sex with Leopold and Loeb. Life appeared to improve until the unplanned and totally unexpected arrival of twins Skeeter and Tac dashed their lifelong dream of opening a cleaning service specializing in truck stop restrooms.
  

• It appears that Mildred’s first episode of mental instability occurred just after son Tac turned eighteen. He had expressed a desire for a career in the military, had done well in high school R.O.T.C. and applied to his congressman for an appointment to West Point. Instead, for some reason never fully explained, he received an appointment to the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences. Now you must remember that both Mildred and Harold detested show business, apparently --- and this is pure conjecture at this point --- because Mildred’s mother had committed suicide while working as a social secretary to Fatty Arbuckle.

• Of course, all that can be hoped for now is that Mildred’s mental stability be restored so that she can return to her much-appreciated volunteer job mending prayer shawls at Temple Beth Georgie Jessel. And in a bit of good news toward that end, the National Audubon Society has, bowing to public pressure, dropped their sexual harassment suit. I’m sure we’ll hear all the details at the pancake breakfast following the raffle drawing for two free tickets to "Doubt."

Well, that’s the news from Lake Misbegotten... where all the women are looking for a good way out and all the children are living above the garage.
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[][][] THE HUTONGS OF BEIJING -- While China is currently undergoing one of the largest building booms in its history, the government has protected areas from development which exemplify typical living conditions that have prevailed in China for centuries. These areas, called "hutongs," are made up of compounds called "siheyuan" -- clustered homes built around a common courtyard. The homes comprise maze-like alleys (the longest has more than 20 turns) that were home to generations of Chinese families including that of the well-known Chinese novelist-playwright, Lao She who grew up in a small western hutong in the 1930s and 1940s that is the setting for his best-selling novel "The Four Generations Under One Roof." Life in the hutongs has been the subject of countless Chinese operas and plays ("Teahouse" and "Small Hutong") and are still performed in Beijing's "People's Art Theater." Today, 400,000 residences are located four districts: The East, West, Xuanwu and Chongwen. You can take a full-screen photo-tour of the hutongs at: www.laughmakers.blogspot.com
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BLEACHER CREATURES

• In the midst of planning our 1978 Bob Hope special Salute to the 75th Anniversary of the World Series, Hope got a call from Steve Martin who told him he'd heard about the two-hour show, was a longtime baseball fan, and would like to offer his services as a guest. Hope was delighted, of course, because aside from Saturday Night Live, Steve was relatively gun shy about appearing on network television. He had big plans for a career in the movies and TV guest shots were hardly major building blocks for that. But this one, he felt, was a special special. Plus, he knew the reputation of the show's producer, Don Ohlmeyer.
  

• Hope was anxious to grab Steve because he'd appeal to a considerably younger audience than we were used to. Even better as far as we were concerned, he told Hope he had written a short sketch and asked if he'd consider including it. "Send it over," he told Steve. "I'll have the boys look at it." Ordinarily, if a guest wanted to perform his own material, Hope would consider it, but only on the condition that we be allowed to edit and add "Hope touches" where necessary.

• But when we read Steve's script, we were ecstatic, though not surprised. It was a brilliant piece of work that utilized Steve's talents as a magician. (His "Great Flydini " bit was called by Johnny Carson the "greatest magic bit" he'd ever seen on The Tonight Show.) Plus, the sketch would make Hope look good, too.

• The sketch involved a pair of vendors in the stands competing for business. It opened with Hope, alone in the nosebleed section of the cheapest bleachers above center field. "So far from the diamond," he laments, that "when it's one-o'clock down there, it's two-o'clock up here." And sales have been so slow, "I may have to go back to my old job -- teaching."

• Enter Steve, dressed much like Hope and carrying what appears to be an ordinary sales tray supported by a strap around his neck. But he's selling something else. "Elephant traps! Mouse ears! Elephant traps!" Hope looks on, dismayed. A fan comes up to Steve and asks, "Do you have any fright glasses?" Steve reaches into his tray. "Fright glasses, right here." The guy puts them on and the eyeballs attached by springs bounce up and down. He moves off, delighted. Hope says, "How about that. I'm selling nuts and this guy is one."

• Another fan approaches Steve. "Do you have any giraffe leg-warmers?" Steve reaches into his tray and removes a pair of large, knitted socks. "Giraffe leg-warmers. There you go, sir." A woman approaches both and asks, "Does anyone have a metal detector?" Hope says, "What kind of idiot would have a metal detector?" Steve pipes up. "I've got one!" Hope says, "That's the kind of idiot!" Steve removes a full-size metal detector and hands it to the woman who immediately begins using it.
  

• Hope moves over to Steve and says, "Mind if I ask you something?" Steve says, "Not at all." Hope says, "Well, I've been working here all day and haven't made a sale. You come up here with all this crazy stuff and they can't get enough of it. What's your secret?" Steve says, "Market research. I figured if people are willing to pay to sit this far from a ball game, they'd be willing to buy my crazy stuff." Hope grabs some items from Steve's tray -- "Elephant traps! Mouse ears! Giraffe leg-warmers!" The crowd now engulfs both of them as they can't wait on customers fast enough.

• The visual impact of Steve's sketch was important to its success. How could anyone fit a metal detector into a vendor's tray? It wasn't an ordinary tray. Steve had rigged it so that, from the vantage point of the camera, it would appear to be an ordinary tray. As he'd done for his Great Flydini routine, reaching into his unzipped fly to remove an egg, a rabbit, a dove and other unexpected items, he had performed a carefully prepared, well-designed magic trick. It was a great addition to the show and, best of all, it had a strong blackout.

(Excerpted from THE LAUGH MAKERS: A Behind-the-Scenes Tribute to Bob Hope’s Incredible Gag Writers available soon from Bear Manor Media at www.bearmanormedia.com)
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[][][] Silk was discovered in China in 2640 B.C. by Empress Xi Ling Shi, if one chooses to believe Confucius. During our 2007 voyage up the Yangkze, we visited the city of Suzhou on the "Silk Road" located about midway between Nanjing and Shanghai. This is the rug capital of China and weavers there still turn out exquisite rugs from designs dating back centuries. They can take as many as five years to produce, weavers toiling in shifts around the clock. No surprise that today, China produces about half of the world's silk. Photos include workers extracting silk strands from the caterpillar larvae that produce it, weavers and embroiderers fashioning rugs and wall hangings; and colorful examples of their handiwork. See it all at: www.laughmakers.blogspot.com
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HUMAN RESOURCES REDUCTION

The Real McCoys, produced by Danny Thomas, aired on ABC Television from 1957 to 1963. The show, one of the most successful early sitcoms, starred Walter Brennan as Grampa, Richard Crenna as his son, Luke, and Kathy Nolan as Luke’s wife, Kate. They had two kids, Hassie and Little Luke and a handyman named Pepino.

Many of the scripts for The Real McCoys were written by my friend, the late Everett Greenbaum and his partner Jim Fritzell. In his delightful autobiography The Goldenberg Who Couldn’t Dance (Harcourt Brace Janovich 1980), Ev wrote this passage which, I think, sums up the ephemeral quality of success in Hollywood.
The audience watching a successful TV show in one evening is larger than the total audience for the entire run of most movies. An actor appearing weekly in a series receives overwhelming fame and adulation. If he appears in a public place, mobbing is possible. New friends come out of the woodwork. Hangers-on tell him that he alone is responsible for the popularity of the show; never mind the writers, the other actors, the director, producer and film editors.

Now, since he is well known, he gets offers to appear in motion pictures and plays, the things he has always wanted to do. But instead, he is a prisoner in a dark, drafty TV sound stage for 60 hours a week. His agents and business managers step in. The actor is unhappy. More money is demanded and granted. The unhappiness persists. New demands! A lush dressing room. More time off. And so forth. This is the injustice syndrome.

On The Real McCoys, Kathy Nolan, who played Kate, had it bad. After several years on the show, she refused to renew her contract unless she got even more money, script approval. And the opportunity to direct. Irving Pincus [the Pincus brothers, Norman and Irving, produced the show] called us in. “Boys,” he said, “at the opening of the next show, Grampa and Luke have just returned from Kate’s funeral. Go home and write it as fast as you can.” As we went out the door, he stopped us. “As long as you’re at it, let’s drop the kids. Little Luke can be away in the Army and Hassie’s off to college.”

I’ll never forget the opening line we wrote for the next script. Grampa and Luke come in the front door. “I just don’t understand it, Grampa,” Luke says. “It all happened so fast!”

(ED NOTE: Only in Hollywood... )
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[][][] In the Spring of 1974, two farmers in XiYang, China were digging a well and discovered pottery fragments that archeologists later determined were 2200 years old. Further excavation revealed the burial site of the Qin and Han Dynasty mauseleums containing (at a depth of 20 feet) 8,000 life size pottery warriors and horses arrayed in battle formation. So far, 10,000 weapons including brass, bronze and nickel daggers, spears and cross-bows have been recovered. You can view these statues and artifacts in full-screen photographs taken in June, 2007 by the author at the Terra Cotta Museum, China's largest on-site museum. To view the photos and the accompanying commentary, go to:
www.laughmakers.blogspot.com
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HAPPY NEW YEAR!

PASADENA, CALIFORNIA -- Celebrating its 120th anniversary, over one million spectators huddled along the 5 1/2 mile route of the annual Rose Parade & Pageant on a clear, crisp, sunny day that was never threatened by the rain that drenched the event in 2006 . Led by Grand Marshal Cloris Leachman, this year's theme, "Hat's Off to Entertainment!", was evident in the 46 exquisitely decorated floats, 22 marching bands and 18 equestrian units. More than 60 million people worldwide viewed the parade on television.

As expected, not all the floats were able to meet the stringent standards imposed by the white-suited Tournament of Roses Committee and were ordered withdrawn. Among this year's rejects:

• The National Rifle Association's "America Locked and Loaded" which used an array of multi-colored hydrangea to recreate "Duck Hunt" depicting a giant effigy of Dick Cheney in calla lilies administering mouth-to-mouth resuscitation to a fellow nimrod he's just peppered with buckshot of peach lentil seeds. Rose pedal blood flows copiously into a river polluted by offshore oil wells of Japanese bamboo shoots lashed together with Manila hemp from the Philippines. Golden retrievers of gladioli scamper about, the lead dog, Dick's beloved "Waterboard," with a battery-powered, portable heart defibrillator strapped to his back.

• "The Big Three Jamboree" co-sponsored by General Motors, Chrysler and Ford along with the City of Detroit featured simulated corporate jets of silver buttercups with executives of all three automakers waving to irate taxpayers with animated raised fists below. Hundred dollar bills of pressed parsley waft from the chimney of a replica of the U.S. Senate Chambers in pampas grass and goldenrod. Special guest, Illinois governor Rod Blagojevich, stands on the front steps, conducting an auction of Senate seats as lobbyists and hack politicians led by Fred Thompson -- all made of heather and antheriam -- excitedly place their bids.

• Sparklettes goes international with their multi-layered, animated, long overdue "Up Your Organized Religion" entry. All cults and sects are colorfully represented in flora indigenous to their home countries. Pope Benedict XVI sits on his throne of golden chrysanthemums, adorned in a cape of purple dendrobiam as he sprinkles Sparklettes specially imported from Lourdes on the wheel-chaired and crutched peasants below. On a lower tier, Mormon missionaries wearing magic underwear of white Zenia, kneel before a statue of Mitt Romney in heather, sesame seeds and tulips. The Reverends (some more than others) Al Sharpton, Jerry Falwell, Rick Warren, Bob Schuller and James Dodson circumnavigate the float's lower perimeter in Rolls-Royce Silver Clouds of bougainvillea, turnip seeds and sun flowers.

____________________________
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IN MEMORIAM

Among the luminaries being remembered at year's end were Tim Russert, Heath Ledger, Eartha Kitt, Roy Scheider, Charlton Heston, Suzanne Pleshette, George Carlin, Harold Pinter, Michael Crichton, William F. Buckley, Sunny von Bulow, Sir Edmund Hillary, Studs Turkel, Isaac Hayes, Bo Diddly, Bobby Fischer, Eddy Arnold, Sydney Pollack, Yves St. Laurent, Cyd Chrisse and Steve Fossett.

For others, the initial reports of their deaths later proved, thankfully, erroneous,

• During an interview for Vanity Fair Magazine, Larry King suffered a massive stroke while attempting to remember how many times he's been married.
  

• While emphasizing the ridiculously low price of one of her faux diamond necklaces on QVC, Joan Rivers exclaimed "May God strike me dead!" and he did.

• During a rehearsal of "Wheel of Fortune," Vanna White stumbled while carrying an inordinately tall stack of letters and was crushed by tiles "L" through "Z."

• Donald Trump was decapitated when a bomb hidden in his hair detonated. Police theorized it was placed there by Ariana Huffington when he sent it out to be cleaned.

• Working alone in a mid-Manhattan brownstone walk up, Joe the Plumber drowned while attempting to clear a clogged toilet with a bent coat hanger

____________________________________
[] FREE MEMBERSHIP: Subscribers in California, Las Vegas, Chicago, Washington, DC, New York and Boston (or those planing to visit) are invited to join Goldstar Events, a website offering drastically reduced tickets to major entertainment venues including live theater, comedy, sports, music and much more! Your FREE MEMBERSHIP includes e-mail notification of events opening near you. You'll love this online service that allows you to print your own tickets, often for about the cost of a movie! Check it out now!

https://www.goldstarevents.com/join?p=F471918RP
(or click on the "I Got a Goldstar" button in the right hand column)
_____________________________________

HAPPY NEW YEAR ISSUE

ALL IN THE FIRST FAMILY

(Episode 1)

(INT. WHITE HOUSE FAMILY QUARTERS)

(PLAY ON: "Hail to the Chief")

(The door opens and the Obamas enter: Barack first
dressed in black tie, followed by Michele and the two
kids, Sasha and Malia, dressed in their Sunday finest.
Barack immediately heads for the couch and plops down.
Michele takes their coats and hangs them in the closet
near the door. The kids rush over to the TV and snap it
on. They sit on the floor to watch the replay.)

BARACK
Whew! What a day. I don't think I've
been this bushed since I integrated Chicago.

MICHELLE
(Mixing drinks at the small bar-on-wheels)
Honey, you looked so presidential taking the
oath.

BARACK
(Studies himself on the TV)
You don't think the stovepipe hat was
too much?

MICHELLE
It was the perfect touch. (Pause)
although I'm glad we talked you out of the
fake beard.

MALIA
(Crawls onto the couch with him)
Daddy, we were all so proud!

BARACK
I know. I got your text message between
"Do you solemnly swear" and "So help me
God."

MICHELLE
(Hands Barack a scotch & soda) I thought I'd die
when Hillary tried to mount the podium
wearing that Joe Biden mask.

BARACK
And Roberts almost fell for it. I caught him
just in time. (laughs) I guess Joe will have
to be sworn in later.

SASHA
(Points to screen) Look, Uncle Joe is still
in the parking lot trying to get through
security.

(SFX: Telephone rings O.S.)

BARACK
Sasha, will you get that, please.

(Sasha rushes off)

BARACK
(to Malia) Malia, did you ever find out
what those lumps under your mattress
were?

MALIA
The Secret Service said they were
crumpled up beer cans.

MICHELLE
I knew we should have asked the Bush twins
to take their beds with them.

(We hear Sasha on the phone in the next room.)

SASHA
Hello? (pause) Hold on, I'll get him. (yells)
It's for you, daddy.

BARACK: Ask who it is.

SASHA
Who's calling? (Pause) (yells) Sarah Palin.

MICHELLE
(Aside to Barack) I thought we were rid of
her. What on earth could she want?

BARACK
Probably an appointment as Ambassador to
Russia since she wouldn't have to leave home.
(to Sasha) Find out what she wants.

SASHA
What do you want? (Pause) She wants to know
if Cheney left any of his shotguns lying around.

MICHELLE
(Aside to Barack) Probably another wedding
in the family.

BARACK
Tell her no, but ask her if she'd be interested
in a used defibrillator.

SASHA
No on the shotgun, but do you want an old
defibrallator? (Pause) She says "What's a
defibrillator?"

MICHELLE
Tell her to look in her current issue of "Cardio
World."

BARACK
(Losing patience) Forget it, Sasha. Just hang up.

SASHA
Sorry, I have to go now. (Sound of hanging up)

(Sasha comes back into the room.)

MALIA
What did she say?

SASHA
"You betcha!"

(Shimmer screen. Scene dissolves, ethereal music under)

(INT. BEDROOM. John and Cindy McCain in a
huge four-poster. John is wearing an old-fashioned
night cap and a chin strap and Cindy's hair is in
curlers. Dentures rest in a glass of water on the
night stand on John's side.)

CINDY
(Shaking him awake) John! John! Wake up.
You were having a nightmare.

JOHN
(Rubs his eyes) Gee, it was so real. Everything
was so clear.

CINDY
Was it the Viet Cong again?

JOHN
No, not this time.

CINDY
The Keating Five investigating committee?

JOHN
No.

CINDY
Joe the Plumber?

JOHN
No.

CINDY
What was it then? What did you see?

JOHN
Honey, I think we lost the election to the Cosbys!

(To be continued...)

HOLIDAY EDITION

AP -- The city of Dartford, England, birthplace of Rolling Stones lead singer Mick Jagger, will soon begin naming streets and roads in honor of the group's hits including Dandelion Row, Little Red Walk, Rainbow Close, Cloud Close, Sympathy Street and Stones Avenue.

• The decision of the city fathers recalls the naming of streets in the British city of Buffington after World War II big band hits. Initially popular practice was abandoned after the town's volunteer fire brigade took so long writing down the address, the flaming structure at 11568 Don't Sit Under the Apple Tree With Anyone Else But Me Lane burned to the ground.
  
• The earliest known evidence of such a practice occurred in Rome when Carpethian monks named streets in the Vatican after Top Forty Gregorian Chants. In fact, the pope's residence is still located at the corner of Te Deum Boulevard and Adeste Fidelis Drive.

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[] BROADCAST ALERT! Don't miss tuning in on New Year's morn to hear Bob mike side in Pasadena for a three-hour audio description of the Rose Parade on Colorado Avenue. Broadcast live and commercial-free, the show will reach 2.7 million listeners worldwide via NPR satellite and by live stream over the internet at www.larrs.org. Manned entirely by volunteers, the broadcast is brought to you by the Los Angeles Radio Reading Service for the Blind and kickoff is at 7am Pacific. Don't miss it!
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Rx

A recent article in the medical journal Pharmacotherapy (the November issue with the nude centerfold of Dr. Scholl's mistress), warns that otherwise competent and experienced physicians sometimes prescribe drugs to treat conditions for which the drugs have not been medically approved.and that can, in some cases, harm the patients ingesting them.

• This is by no means a new phenomenon. In 1936, Dr. Irving Pincus, a Pittsburgh rhumatologist, was disciplined for advising a patient to rub his gout-inflicted knee with a live penguin, believing the arctic bird would be close enough to the accepted ground peach pits to provide similar relief. It was approved medical practice at the time to use penguins only to treat acute cases of low self-esteem -- and even then, only after massive doses of pine tar mixed with sow's urine proved ineffective. The careless Dr. Pincus escaped prosecution only after the bird's owner failed, after repeated attempts which stretched over several weeks to identify his penguin in a lineup.
• The earliest known documented case of miss-prescription occurred in 1643 in the English village of Suddenbury-on-the-Thames. Dr. Rodney Pace-Wellington, third Earl of Scheib, was accused by the Knights bridge Constabulary of prescribing live maggots instead of the commonly used leeches. Represented in Magistrates Court by the legendary barrister Bailey of the Balboa, the earl was acquitted after explaining that his wife had inadvertently served them to her guests at a dinner party the night before, believing them to be escargot.
  
• On rare occasions, a drug intended for one purpose has been shown to be more effective for another, only through the empirical evidence produced by its mistaken use. In the 1700s, the most effective treatment for snakebite was believed to be oral extraction of the venom (performed as soon as possible after the bite) by a certified village wench. Tarts could sometimes be substituted, but only if the snake's venom had not yet reached the delicate scrotal tissues. (Sluts could be used only as a last resort). Gradually, news of the treatment got around and breeding venomous reptiles for social purposes became big business. The process was outlawed in 1783, but not before it had become the eighteenth century's version of E-Harmony dot com. Due to the treatment's popularity, snake-bite kits are still referred to in some regions of the south as "strumpets."
  

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[] [] [] Bob's book, THE LAUGH MAKERS, which recalls his two decades on the road with Bob Hope, will be available soon from Bear Manor Media. It's a delightful, side-splitting journey back to the sketch comedy of television's Golden Age -- a long-ago era of variety, song and dance, brilliant patter and a seemingly endless parade of laughs sprung from the genius of "gag men," that talented gang of wit-blessed wordsmiths to whom the book pays well-deserved homage. Jam-packed with stories, anecdotes and un-retouched photos, THE LAUGH MAKERS recalls the often-hilarious, sometimes heartwarming and always touching tales of the legendary stars who guested on The Bob Hope Show. Watch for the publication date on www.bearmanormedia.com
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AP -- For the first time in forty years,the BBC will not televise Britain's most popular dog show. Organizers of "The Crufts Show" withdrew the program after the BBC aired a documentary alleging that excessive inbreeding has caused serious health problems in some pedigreed breeds.

• British history is replete with similar controversies. In 1546, the Amalgamated Union of Court Jesters called a strike and refused to allow their members to perform at the marriage of King Fornicatius XVI to his half-sister, Princess Esmeralda of Prussia, who herself was the offspring of a count who had abandoned his family and attempted to force Joan of Arc to sell Tupperware. Christians and lions, summoned at the last minute from Rome, were substituted along with a popular lyre and lute jazz ensemble. The jesters turned out to be right. Later, Esmerada gave birth to three village idiots and a troll.

• In modern times, palace physicians were wary of the marriage of Prince Charles to commoner Camilla Parker Bowles, but the crisis was averted when Charles graciously consented to be neutered. Evidence of the procedure is now a popular tourist attraction, displayed in a jar at Windsor Castle, replacing the Crown Jewels.

Formerly Bereft-on-the-Left

THE TWELVE FRY'S OF CHRISTMAS

On the first day of Christmas, my true love gave to me
A "Partridge Family" HD-DVD

On the second day of Christmas, my true love gave to me
Two refurbished Macs and
A "Partridge Family" HD-DVD

On the third day of Christmas, my true love gave to me
"Three printer/fax, two refurbished Macs and
A "Partridge Family" HD-DVD

On the fourth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me
Four CD stacks, three printer/fax, two refurbished Macs and
A "Partridge Family" HD-DVD

On the fifth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me
Five gold upgrades...
Four CD stacks, three printer/fax, two refurbished Macs and
A "Partridge Family" HD-DVD

On the sixth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me
Six flash drives flashing,
Five gold upgrades...
Four CD stacks, three printer/fax, two refurbished Macs and
A "Partridge Family" HD-DVD

On the seventh day of Christmas, my true love gave to me
Seven Googles goog-ling, six flash drives flashing,
Five gold upgrades...
Four CD stacks, three printer/fax, two refurbished Macs and
A "Partridge Family" HD-DVD

On the eighth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me
Eight Yahoos hoo-ing, seven Googles goog-ling,
Six flash drives flashing,
Five gold upgrades...
Four CD stacks, three printer/fax, two refurbished Macs and
A "Partridge Family" HD-DVD

On the ninth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me
Nine Nortons sweeping, eight Yahoos hoo-ing,
Seven Googles goog-ling, six flash drives flashing
Five gold upgrades...
Four CD stacks, three printer/fax, two refurbished Macs and
A "Partridge Family" HD-DVD

On the tenth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me
Ten dial-ups creeping, nine Nortons sweeping,
Eight Yahoos hoo-ing, seven Googles goog-ling,
Six flash drives flashing,
Five gold upgrades...
Four CD stacks, three printer/fax, two refurbished Macs and
A "Partridge Family" HD-DVD

On the eleventh day of Christmas, my true love gave to me
Eleven cursors dragging, ten dial-ups creeping,
Nine Nortons sweeping, eight Yahoos hoo-ing,
Seven Googles goog-ling, six flash drives flashing,
Five gold upgrades...
Four CD stacks, three printer/fax, two refurbished Macs and
A "Partridge Family" HD-DVD

On the twelfth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me
Twelve wiggies wagging, eleven cursors dragging,
Ten dial-ups creeping, nine Nortons sweeping,
Eight Yahoos hoo-ing, seven Googles goog-ling,
Six flash drives flashing,
Five gold upgrades...
Four CD stacks, three printer/fax, two refurbished Macs and
A "Partridge Family" HD-DVD
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[] BROADCAST ALERT! Don't miss tuning in on New Year's morn to hear Bob mike side in Pasadena, California co-hosting a three-hour audio description of the Rose Parade on Colorado Avenue. Broadcast live and commercial-free, the show will reach 2.7 million listeners worldwide via NPR satellite and by live stream over the internet at www.larrs.org. Manned entirely by volunteers, the broadcast is brought to you by the Los Angeles Radio Reading Service for the Blind. Kickoff is at 7AM Pacific, so don't sleep in and miss it!
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Formerly Bereft-on-the-Left

TEAMWORK

The word "transition" is derived from the Latin "transito," a past pluperfect verb meaning "to clean a medium-sized flounder while reading War and Peace." This should not be confused with the word "transari," a similar-sounding verb meaning "to juggle endangered farm animals." As Barack Obama unveiled his transition team last week, the Los Angeles Times noted that "... since 1797, when George Washington handed over the presidency to John Adams in the first transition, transfers of power in the U.S. have sometimes gone smoothly, have often been bumpy and sometimes verged on the outrageous." An understatement, to be sure. Andrew Jackson's transition team so enjoyed their new roles, they reportedly adopted a secret handshake, bought matching silk bowling shirts with their names embroidered on the back and even hired an itinerant former designer of domino tiles as an advisor. He advised them to send out for Chinese. Authorities had to intervene when James Garfield's new Treasury Secretary, Aloysius Fester III, arrived at his first cabinet meeting dressed as a postal worker and played the concertina while reciting the third act of Othello. The newly-elected John Adams stunned party officials by eschewing a transition team altogether. In their place, he hired the squash team from the College of William and Mary -- despite their dismal 3-12 win-loss record that year. It's generally conceded that Chester A. Arthur sought out the most qualified candidates for his team, choosing only 30-degree Freemasons whose parents, despite truly valiant efforts, had failed to make a name in vaudeville. On the opposite end of the spectrum, Herbert Hoover was so disappointed in his choices, he reportedly threatened to make them eat Mrs. Hoover's fried okra in pesto sauce. Conversely, Ulysses S. Grant was so pleased with his team, he offered them continued, uninterrupted employment after he left office -- as long as they would agree to become rabbis and study astrophysics. By far the most legendary member of a newly-elected president's transition team was Thaddeus Pinkerton, former governor of what is now Bayonne, New Jersey, who was appointed Chief-of-Staff by president-elect Millard Fillmore. Pinkerton -- "Pinkie" to his friends and selected members of the judiciary -- was said to be so devoted to his boss, he could often be found doing his taxes -- his laundry -- and sometimes Mrs. Fillmore. Pinkerton was summarily let go when a female member of the White House domestic staff accused him of impersonating Czar Nicholas while riding a goat.
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[] BROADCAST ALERT! Don't miss tuning in on New Year's morn to hear Bob mike side in Pasadena for a three-hour audio description of the Rose Parade on Colorado Boulevard. Broadcast live and commercial-free, the show will reach 2.7 million listeners worldwide via NPR satellite and by live stream over the internet at www.larrs.org. Manned entirely by volunteers, the broadcast is brought to you by the Los Angeles Radio Reading Service for the Blind . Kickoff is at 7am Pacific. Don't miss it!
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(Formerly Bereft-on-the-Left)

FRESHMAN ORIENTATION

Last week, Barack and Michelle Obama, after much soul searching, hand wringing, and several visits to an astrologer, decided to enroll their daughters Malia and Sasha in Washington's ultra-tony Sidwell Friends School. The institution has an interesting history, beginning with its founding by Jeremiah Sidwell in 1797. The family's name was actually "Sitwell" and they made their fortune selling cut-rate latrine seats to the British during the Revolutionary War. The school was shut down for a brief period in the mid-1800s after the Head Master ran off to marry a groundhog. The marriage was quickly annulled after it was learned that the groundhog was already married (they mate for life.). The upscale prep school was known as simply "Sidwell" until 1997 when the cast of "Friends" donated their old sets to the Drama Department. Many time-honored traditions are observed at Sidwell Friends including the assignment to each student a combination locker and safety deposit box. The school boasts a cafeteria sommalier and full-time concierge. Report cards are rated by Standard and Poors and students engaged in science projects are allowed to consult scientists at NASA and the Goddard Space Center.

In modern times, Chelsea Clinton attended Sidwell Friends after Bill vetted her teachers, requiring them to submit to week-long sleep-overs at the White House. However, the Bush twins did not attend the school. George and Laura decided to try home-schooling, but Jenna and Barb gave it up after George refused to complete his homework assignments. But the school is probably best known for their ground-breaking appeal to minority youths through their popular "Midnight Polo" athletic program.
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[] Do you like to read? Your unique talent for reading aloud is needed to help blind and dyslexic students reach the academic heights! Become a member of our team of microphone magicians at Recording For the Blind & Dyslexic. Call to find out if there's a studio near you!
www.rfbd.org
(866) 732-3585
_____________________________________________

LIGHTS, CAMERA, ACTION!

Following the failure of ongoing negotiations with the major film studios, members of the Screen Actors Guild are expected to vote this week to authorize a strike. This comes as no surprise to Hollywood insiders as LA Times theater critic Kenneth Turan recently characterized the talks as "wooden, uninspired and poorly lit." Sticking points seem to surround the calculation of residuals, actors' share of DVD profits, and custody of children conceived on the picket line -- preparations for which are already underway. While painting a picket sign, one ham actor from a canceled TV sitcom was overheard to say, "Who writes this crap?" While Brad Pitt supports the strike, he won't actually walk the picket line and has been auditioning suitable stand-ins. Never one to overlook a promotional opportunity, Sean Penn plans to picket dressed and made up as Harvey Milk. Leonardo DiCaprio will walk the line but won't be carrying a sign. Instead, he hopes to carry Kate Winslet. For the first time in its history, SAG will attempt to recover some of the strike costs by allowing product placements. Well-known has-beens will march in a special picket line around several Century City high-rises, erected on the sites of famous 20th Century-Fox movie sets. Joan and Melinda Rivers will report picket line fashion for E! Entertainment Television. Their show will be dedicated to the memory of Mr. Blackwell. The traditional star-studded wrap party, already in the planning stages, will take place at Spago.
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[] FREE MEMBERSHIP: Subscribers in California, Las Vegas, Chicago, Washington, DC, New York and Boston (or those planing to visit) are invited to join Goldstar Events, a website offering drastically reduced tickets to major entertainment venues including live theater, comedy, sports, music and much more! Your FREE MEMBERSHIP includes e-mail notification of events opening near you. You'll love this online service that allows you to print your own tickets, often for about the cost of a movie! Check it out now!
https://www.goldstarevents.com/join?p=F471918RP
(or click on the "I Got a Goldstar" button in the righthand column
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HOUSE CALLS

Dr. Jay Katz, recognized as the nation's leading authority on medical ethics, has died in New Haven, Connecticut at age 86. Dr. Katz first became interested in medicine at the age of seven after being given a "Mr. Doctor" play set by Tyco for Christmas. He immediately attempted several unsuccessful amputations on his younger brother, Irving "Stumpy" Katz, now a successful dance instructor at Arthur Murray. Undeterred, Dr. Katz perfected an improved scalpel for cardiac surgeons by practicing on artichoke hearts. After being awarded his medical degree by correspondence from Johnson & Johnson, Dr. Katz was instrumental in spearheading laws in several states outlawing waiting room magazines dated prior to the birth of Christ. He went on to popularize the now-standard doctor's admonition "Keep on doing what you've been doing" and perfected a full body cast to help perfectly healthy patients get a seat on a crowded bus. Most recently, he invented the I-Pod stethoscope which is still undergoing tests at Cedars Sinai. Dr. Katz was known to advise patients to save medical costs by requesting chest x-rays while checking their luggage at the airport. In 1954, he was briefly disciplined by the Connecticut Medical Board after investigators discovered he was recycling tongue-depressors and lining his examination table with blood-stained butcher paper he purchased from a friend at the A&P. Services are pending.
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[] [] [] Tune in to Bob's weekly on-line radio show "INSIDE TELEVISION" for the latest articles, celebrity profiles and interviews Thursday mornings from 0820 to 0900 PDT. LARRS, the all-volunteer, commercial free, non-profit Los Angeles Radio Reading Service is 24-hour News Radio for the Blind, an affiliate of Minnesota's "Radio Talking Book Network."
www.larrs.org
Click on MP3
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RANGE WARS

Some things in life are difficult, but look easy, while other things look easy but are actually hard. I've always wanted to make something hard look easy and came close once, only to be interrupted by a giant carp... As a kid growing up, I always preferred Red Ryder over the Lone Ranger, despite the fact that Red spent a suspiciously inordinate amount of time with a minor that he wasn't, as far as I could see, related to. "Little Beaver," more familiar with English tense and syntax, seemed more intelligent than "Tonto" whom I always suspected of having alcohol issues. Besides, the manufacture of bullets seemed, even to my young mind, a terrible waste of silver... This past week, an old friend, Buster Slime, Jr., showed up out of nowhere. We hadn't seen each other since serving together in the Salvation Army. Somehow, we survived boot camp (enjoyed it, actually) but washed out while on our first duty assignments. Buster was found guilty of assaulting a donut while serving in a rescue unit and I lost my epaulets after the C.O. (a rather nasty lieutenant colonel who spoke with a pronounced lisp) noticed that I was wearing my uniform inside out. So we decided, Buster and I, to start a business together in the service industry. We hired ourselves out as absentee voters for convicted felons, dissolving our partnership only after Buster landed a job with more upward mobility demonstrating fly rods at Sears-Roebuck.
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Please pass this debut issue of "THE CRUSADING BLOGTOLOGIST" on to a friend. The doctor will be most grateful since his goal is to reach every person on earth.
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Contents Copyright (c) 2008 by Robert L. Mills. Portions may be quoted if attributed to "THE CRUSADING BLOGTOLOGIST" and linked to www.bereftontheleft.blogspot.com.
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Webmasters: Inquiries regarding link swapping are welcomed by Dr. Digit.

This is the final issue of "Bereft-on-the-Left." Coming soon: Dr. Digit "THE CRUSADING BLOGTOLOGIST." ..

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Barack Hussein Obama has been elected the 44th president of the United States, proving yet again the truth of Abraham Lincoln's oft-quoted admonition: "You can fool most of the people some of the time and some of the people most of the time, but you can't fool people who sometimes aren't fooled and other times... " Oh, sorry, that was SarahPalin.

McCain loyalists who gathered at Arizona's Biltmore Resort & Spa expressed cautious optimism early in the evening, but suddenly became subdued when NBC projected that Obama would win Ohio.Palin scoffed and said, "No need to worry. You can't trust a state that's spelled the same way backwards as forwards."

When returns showed conclusively that his White House bid was lost, McCain called Fox News and said, "I don't see any path to a win." Then he called Obama and congratulated him. ThenPalin called to congratulate Tina Fey.

Actually, Palin had predicted the ticket's ignominious defeat earlier in the day when she flew to Alaska to cast her vote. She announced to reporters that she could see it from her front porch.

Then she excused herself and said she had "a great big pile of magazines and Supreme Court decisions to catch up on. It's back to the trailer park for me!" (Wink.)

In an uncharacteristic gesture of good will toward her opponent, Sarah congratulated Joe Biden and offered him some tips for his new job running the Senate. "So you can help make good, sound, real American policy, you betcha." (Wink.)
___________________________________
[] Do you like to read? Your unique talent for reading aloud is needed to help blind and dyslexic students reach the academic heights! Become a member of our team of microphone magicians at Recording For the Blind & Dyslexic. Call to find out if there's a studio near you!

www.rfbd.org
(866) 732-3585
___________________________________

After a surprisingly sincere concession speech and a call to his rabid followers to cooperate with the economic changes they had fought so hard to defeat, the old warrior withdrew with second wife Cindy to decide which of their 13 homes they would return to.

Suddenly, McCain's supporters became almost civil. Even right-wing talk show diva Ann Coulter called to congratulate Rachael Maddow... and then asked her if she was seeing anyone.

Bill O'Reilly emerged momentarily from his "no spin zone" to call and congratulate Keith Olbermann... and offered to send him a copy of his latest book, "I'm Not Frothing At The Mouth I Just Brushed My Teeth."

Even Bush suddenly felt conciliatory. But before he could call his successor, he had to stand in line to use the hot line. Cheney, Rice,Wolfowitz, Bremmer and Rumsfeld were on a conference call to their lawyers in the Hague discussing a defense for their war crimes trial.

Bremmer was overheard calling the trial a "slam dunk." Wolfowitz predicted that the judges would "welcome them as liberators" and all of them had to administer CPR to Cheney who suddenly started gurgling like he was in his "final death throes."

Cheney had spent the evening on a Secret Service-imposed suicide watch after they caught him rummaging through his medicine chest for a cyanide pill he'd already asked his dentist to embed in one of his molars.
____________________________________
[] [] [] Tune in to Bob's weekly on-line radio show "INSIDE TELEVISION" for the latest articles, celebrity profiles and interviews Thursday mornings from 0820 to 0900 PDT. LARRS, the all-volunteer, commercial free, non-profit Los Angeles Radio Reading Service is 24-hour News Radio for the Blind, an affiliate of Minnesota's "Radio Talking Book Network."

www.larrs.org
Click on MP3
__________________________________________________________

As the returns began to reflect an overwhelming Democratic win, Cheney gathered up his family and assured them that they needn't worry. Then he ordered subordinates to build a bonfire to burn the records.

Exit polls showed that 80% of voters said his choice of Sarah Palin was "a major factor" in McCain's defeat. Another 74% said his brush-off of David Letterman was the clincher.

The same polls showed conclusively that the meteoric rise of "Joe the Plumber" soured many Republicans, one of whom said, "He wasn't licensed and he didn't even smell better."

Following his decisive win, Obama told his staff to be very careful not to allow organized religion to poison the Oval Office as his predecessor had. Then, he added, "While I'm thinking of it, better order a new Koran for my swearing in ceremony. .. and tell my Disciples to lose the sandals."

Rabid Bush supporter and loyal administration ally Liddy Dole was decisively ejected from her Senate seat by Kay Hagen, whose Christian faith she had impugned during her mud-stained, unsuccessful campaign. Before leaving for the unemployment office, she called hubby, Bob, and said "Better renew your contract with Pfizer as official spokesman for Viagra."
____________________________________
[] FREE MEMBERSHIP: Subscribers in California, Las Vegas, Chicago, Washington, DC, New York and Boston (or those planing to visit) are invited to join Goldstar Events, a website offering drastically reduced tickets to major entertainment venues including live theater, comedy, sports, music and much more! Your FREE MEMBERSHIP includes e-mail notification of events opening near you. You'll love this online service that allows you to print your own tickets, often for about the cost of a movie! Check it out now!

https://www.goldstarevents.com/join?p=F471918RP
(or click on the "I Got a Goldstar" button in the right hand column)
_____________________________________

And in other news, such as it is...

JERUSALEM (AP) -- Forty thousand people who converted to the Jewish religion have had their conversions annulled by the state-funded Rabbinical High Court which, according to Orthodox Judaism, has the final say over who is, or is not, Jewish. "Nobody checked how many of Israel's 300,000 converts really wanted to be Jews," said Rabbi Eliyahu Ben-Dahan, director of the rabbinical courts. The rabbi confided that among the behaviors that could trigger immediate disqualification were infrequent and/or misuse of the terms "oivai," "farklempt" and "schlep" as well as unfamiliarity with the pharmaceutical benefits of chicken soup.

KUT, IRAQ (AP) -- (Photo Caption) "Iraqi soldiers parade in Wasit Province. The U.S. military handed security responsibilities over in the province, which is the 13th of Iraq's 18 provinces to return to full Iraqi government control. Kut is about 100 miles southeast of Baghdad." Or as much as it as the foreign invaders have left standing.

SUMPTER, SOUTH CAROLINA (AP) -- On Halloween, an ex-convict who thought he was being robbed gunned down a 12-year old trick-or-treater, spraying nearly 30 rounds with an assault rifle from inside his home after hearing a knock on the door. He now faces a charge of first degree murder, or as the National Rifle Association defines it, "reasonable self defense by a home owner."

POSTVILLE, IOWA (AP) -- A federal judge has appointed a temporary receiver for a kosher meatpacking company after a bank accused the company of defaulting on a $35 million loan and writing $1.4 million in bad checks. The company's CEO, SholomRubashkin , has been charged individually with knowingly hiring 400 illegal immigrants to work in the plant. And if all this weren't enough, inspectors discovered that the company's chicken nuggets are actually pigs' feet.

PORT-AU-PRINCE, HAITI (AP) -- Haitians flocked to cemeteries carrying rum, candles and hopes for a better future, kicking off Voodoo's two-day Festival of the Dead. Voodoo, a blend of Christian tenets and African religions fused by slaves, is practiced across the nation. It was sanctioned as an official religion in 2003. After government officials decided it was no more ridiculous than any other religion.

CHICAGO, ILLINOIS (AP) -- A study conducted between 2001 and 2004 by the Rand Corporation found that teens 13 to 17 who reported that they watched "Sex and the City," "That '70s Show," and "Friends" regularly were twice as likely to engage in sexual activity that resulted in pregnancy. Most often while their parents were watching "Murder, She Wrote," "LawrenceWelk" and "Regis and Kathy Lee."

SAN FRANCISCO, CALIFORNIA (AP) -- Records reveal that the National Association of Catholic Bishops contributed a total of $200,000 and that the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints spent over $2 million to help pass California's Proposition 8 to ban gay marriage. No financial strain for the Mormons, but the Catholics had to dip into their pedophile-priest legal defense fund.

FORT CAMPBELL, KENTUCKY (AP) -- The Army will close down as many as ten of its 36 "Warrior Transition Units," that were set up to treat U.S. troops wounded in action. A study found that admission screening had become so lax, half of the patients being treated there do not have injuries serious enough to qualify. The problem came to light when the Inspector General discovered that Cheney was sending wounded hunting buddies over there for free treatment.

DETROIT, MICHIGAN (AP) -- General Motors has announced that profits are down a whopping 45%. The once-powerful auto-maker ("As G.M. goes, so goes the nation) seems to be sinking like... well, to use their own term... "like a rock."

WINSTON-SALEM, NORTH CAROLINA (AP) -- P.G.A. bad boy John Daly was taken into custody in the parking lot of a Hooter's Restaurant after police found him "extremely intoxicated" and without transportation. "It was a misunderstanding," said the winner of two major tournaments, who went on to explain that he often sleeps with his eyes open when he's tired, stressed or has been drinking. All the while, out of habit, keeping his head down.

ROME, ITALY (AP) For the first time in over 50 years, employees at Vatican City, including the clergy and members of religious orders, will be required to sign in and out when reporting for work. Which immediately prompted a formal protest from their union, the International Association of Theme Park & Fantasy Workers.
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FREE SAMPLE CHAPTER! You can read a chapter from Bob's new book "THE LAUGH MAKERS: A Behind-the-Scenes Tribute to Bob Hope's Incredible Gag Writers" due in bookstores and online in December from Bear Manor Media Publishers. Here's what "Laugh In" star GARY OWENS says:

"This is a priceless collection of heretofore unpublished recollections revealing untold secrets and backstage goings-on behind the scenes on the Bob Hope Show. It's a never-before-seen look at the previously-classified inner workings of Bob Hope's well-known comedy assembly line that for generations proved as efficient as any in Detroit."

But don't take Gary's word for it. Take a look for yourself. There's a FREE sample chapter, "HOW NOW, CHAIRMAN MAO," waiting for you to download at: www.laughmakers.blogspot.com
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