TWO-ARMED BANDITS -- Las Vegas spent $15 million to create a Mob Museum to honor members of the Mafia who founded the desert oasis. Most popular exhibits are in the “Offers That Couldn’t be Refused” wing that features a display of wall-mounted horses’ heads.
BOBBIN’ ALONG -- Divers with the Hawaii Undersea Research Laboratory discovered an unknown reef that is the home of what they believe may be a new species of deep sea sponge. They were stunned when they noticed that it appears to be wearing square pants.
BALLROOM -- Former Kansas City hurler Mark Lytell invented what he claims is a safer, more comfortable athletic cup that sells for $19.95 and is named the “Nutty Buddy.” A top-of-the-line model in solid platinum is available at Tiffany’s in their Family Jewels section.
FINAL CURTAIN -- Riverview Monuments in Wausau, WIS offers $2000 digital headstones that show a continuous DVD of scenes of the departed loved one’s life. For a slight additional charge, the undertaker will provide a professional writer to punch up the script.
SFO HMO -- Airports in Atlanta, Chicago, Denver, Newark and San Francisco offer flu shots to arriving and departing passengers. And those whose security x-rays show a sprain or inflammation may qualify for a Cortisone shot.
CHAMPS -- A survey of 400,000 15-year-olds in 57 countries found that youths in South Korea lead the world in reading skills while those in Taiwan excel in mathematics and Finland leads in science. US students were not entirely shut out, however, placing first in video gaming, cell phone text messaging, recreational binge drinking and hanging out.
INTENSIVE CARE -- Men’s Health Magazine has ranked their “20 Worst Foods in America” with Aussie Cheese Fries from The Outback topping the artery-clogging list with 2900 calories and 182 fat grams. In hot pursuit and not far behind -- Denny’s Grand Mal Seizure Breakfast, Appleby’s Macadamia Nut and Caramelized Pork Rind Salad, and T. G. I. Friday’s Deep Fried Lard-On-A-Stick.
GNARLY HARLEY -- Archaeologists in Valley of the Kings, Egypt discovered eighteen broken bones in the body of King Tut. Which pretty much explains that tattered leather jacket they found under him with “Evel Tut” embroidered on the back.
BAPTISM -- When J. Robert Cade the inventor of Gatorade died at age 80, he was cremated and, in accordance with his final wishes, his ashes were dissolved in a tub of Gatorade and dumped on the winning coach at the Super Bowl.
SAM’S CLUB -- Time Magazine reported that 400,000 Americans live full time in a motor home, most of them buying luxury coaches in the $300,000 to $1,000,000 price range. Next time you’re behind one on the freeway, consider this: it’s probably being driven by a 77-year old retired dentist from Keokuk with a heart in about the same shape as Cheney’s whose only training was watching Robin Williams in “RV.” For God‘s sake, don‘t try to pass him!”
SUCH SWEET SORROW -- Banned from sale in the United States since 1912, absinthe is now approved by the FDA. The 100+ proof, distilled from worm wood aperitif, was once described by Oscar Wilde as “… producing the ability to see things as they really are, and that is the most horrible thing in the world.” However, contrary to centuries-old belief, there appears to be no empirical evidence that absinthe makes the heart grow fonder.
ANATOMICALLY CORRECT -- A toymaker in Italy now offers Moses and Mary dolls at $20 a copy. Press a button on her back and Mary announces “With God, all things are possible.” Pull a string and Moses sings two choruses of the Notre Dame fight song.
WE’RE OFF TO SEE -- When Midgets and dwarfs who played the Munchkins in 1939’s “Wizard of Oz” were awarded a star on Hollywood’s Walk of Fame, there was an unfortunate accident during the installation ceremony in front of Graumann’s Chinese Theater. Three of them fell into one of the footprints.
WHEN YOU WISH -- Disney World, which had purchased $700 million in natural gas futures from the now defunct Lehman Brothers, is now faced with escalating energy costs to heat the theme park. Snow White was so cold last night, she had to throw on another Dwarf.
BOOLA BOOLA -- Nine state troopers were caught submitting forged academic documents to qualify for higher pay scales. State inspectors became suspicious when they noticed degrees from the University of Winchell's and Dunkin' Donuts Tech.
REACH OUT -- A death row inmate in Texas was found in possession of a cell phone he'd been using for weeks with minutes provided by his mother. It was Nokia's popular "Hard Time 550" model with cell waiting.
CALL FOR AMERICAN -- The World Health Organization predicts there will be 8.3 million deaths from tobacco related illnesses between now and 2030. Each grave "so round, so firm, so fully-packed"...
WALKING ALONE -- Jerry Lewis apologized for an anti-gay comment he made during a TV interview Down Under. He had to admit that he has no real evidence that Crocodile Dundee and Mel Gibson are married.
MUNCHIES -- The owner of a Mexican restaurant in Colorado was charged with drug possession after marijuana was found in one of his tacos. He never should have named it the "Willie Nelson Tijuana Firecracker Special."
ANNUAL PHYSICAL -- The American Civil Liberties Union filed a formal request with the Federal Bureau of Prisons to review the "grossly inadequate conditions on death row that include inmate mistreatment and sub-standard health care that has resulted in a significantly higher mortality rate than that of the general population."
PAPA BURNING -- Animal rights activists staged a topless protest outside the European Parliament demanding a ban on bullfighting in Spain, France and Portugal. First the gals set their bras on fire and then ignited a pile of books by Ernest Hemingway.
ROAD KILL -- Armadillos, once rarely found in the north, are migrating in greater numbers. Zoologists theorize that some are searching for food, some are seeking mates and the majority just want to get as far away from Texas as possible.
SKIN GAME -- Ford Motor Company offers an option called "My key" which is programmed to limit both the speed of the car and the radio's volume when the car is driven by a teenager. It also alerts the parents whenever the car gets within fifty yards of a tattoo parlor.
Contents Copyright (c) 2012 by Robert L. Mills All Rights Reserved
MON DEU! -- France celebrates five years of its controversial ban on smoking in restaurants, hotels, casinos, cafes and brasseries. Doctors concluded that tobacco use accounted for 61,000 French deaths a year -- a health threat rivaled only by excessive viewing of Jerry Lewis movies.
COUNTDOWN -- At 85, Queen Elizabeth II is Britain’s oldest-ever monarch, eclipsing the record previously held by Queen Victoria. Shes' the longest reigning queen in history -- unless, of course, you count Elton John.
UNDER THE COUCH CUSHION -- When Robert Adler, the inventor of the TV remote control, died in 2007 at age 93, his funeral had to be postponed for six weeks. No one could find him.
VICTORIA’S SECRET -- Declassified FBI documents reveal a plan by J. Edgar Hoover to arrest 12,000 Americans suspected of disloyalty. Even worse, he also wanted to seize, without a warrant, the frilly underthings of their wives.
CSI CAIRO -- Egyptologists now contend that the Discovery Channel’s 2007“Secrets of Egypt’s Lost Queen” may have relied on uncorroborated evidence to identify the mummified remains of Queen Hatsheput. Seems they used pre-DNA techniques used in the 1970’s to authenticate Cher.
EARLY BIRDERS -- The town of Greenburgh, NY allows senior citizens to work off their property taxes at government agencies. Which explains that fire truck I spotted last week with its left turn signal permanently flashing.
BIBLE BILLBOARD -- Country stars with successful religious-themed albums include Vince Gill with “Give Me Jesus,” Brad Paisley’s “The Old Rugged Cross,” and Sara Evans’s “Just a Closer Walk With Thee.” Tunes that just didn't shout hallelujah include Dolly Parton’s “That Bible in the Nightstand Says No Lovin’ Here Tonight,” “I Want More Sodom in My Gomorra” by Billy Ray Cyrus and Garth Brooks’ “God Bless My Hat”
DUCK AND COVER -- In 2007, China entered its first float in the Rose Parade. The crowd lining the streets in Pasadena was stunned when it began lobbing ground-to-air missiles at the Japanese float.
LOVIN’ IT -- A McDonald’s near London’s Gatwick Airport imposes a $150 fine for using their parking lot longer than 45 minutes. And that's not the worst of it. Drive-thru customers must place their order within the required 60 seconds to disable tire-deflating spikes.
WINGED VICTORY -- In January, air travel aficionados will gather in Dayton, OH to celebrate the 109th anniversary of the Wright Brothers’ first flight. They’ll reconvene a week later to mark the return of their luggage.
FANTASIA -- Fish and Game officials report a marked increase in automatic weapon assaults on wardens in the field. They attribute the violence to rural methamphetamine labs… marijuana cultivation in wooded areas… and an increase in gang activity among wildlife.
RATATOUILLE -- Naturalists conducting research with Conservation International discovered a new species of rat, five times larger than normal rodents, in the Foja Mountains near Papua, New Guinea. Unlike urban sewer rats that just bite tourists, these use poison spear guns.
BALANCING ACT -- Researchers discovered that pregnant women have specially adapted lower back and hip joints that keep them from tipping forward. The study also showed specially-positioned shoulder blades that allow females them to carry heavy shopping bags, fully loaded, virtually indefinitely.
SQUEEZE MY GRAPEFRUIT -- A contest to find a new state song for Florida included among the finalists: “Where the Saw Grass Meets the Sky,” “Florida, My Home” and “My Florida Home.” Runners up included: “Where Old Folks Come to Die,” “Florida, My Nursing Home” and “What Time Is Lawrence Welk On?”
ARE YOU READY? -- The “NFL Experience” theme park in Glendale, AZ enables visitors to experience being an NFL player. Attractions include the “Spousal Abuse Tilt-A-Whirl,” the “Late Night Strip Club Shooting Gallery” and “DUI Bumper Cars.”
JURASSIC HOOVER -- Fossils from a 110 million year old dinosaur found in the Sahara Desert are now on display at the headquarters of the National Geographic Society. The specimen, which had a large shovel-like mouth is believed to have survived by sucking in food like a giant vacuum cleaner. Paleontologists have named the prehistoric creature “Rush Limbaugh Rex.”
KODAK MOMENT -- Photo experts at the Smithsonian Museum believe they have discovered the image of Abraham Lincoln among the huge crowd waiting to hear him deliver the Gettysburg Address. Under intense microscopic examination, he appears to be buying two tickets to the Ford Theater from a notorious scalper known in Virginia as “Balcony Bob.”
WE’RE DOIN’ FINE -- Oklahomans are commemorating the 105th anniversary of statehood with year-long celebrations. They’re glad they belong to the land and the land they belong to is grand.
M-I-C-K-E-Y -- Officials at Disneyland warned patrons that ashes of loved ones may not be spread in the park after a woman was spotted sprinkling a “white powder” into the water at the Pirates of the Caribbean ride. Let’s just hope they never dump the cryogenically frozen body of their founder in there.
MIEN ORB -- A world globe recovered by the Allies in Hitler’s “Eagle’s Nest” in the Bavarian Alps fetched $100,000 at a San Francisco auction. Probably the real McCoy. You can see the holes where the fuhrer poked his pencil into Poland… France… Denmark… Norway… Belgium… Moscow…
STONE TABLETS -- While searching the home of mob “boss-of-bosses” Salvatore Lo Piccolo, Italian police discovered a document containing the “Ten Commandments of the Mafia.” While it's being held for evidence, we've obtained an advance copy: 1] Thou shalt kill. 2] Thou shalt not worship false gods with the exception of Francis Ford Coppola. 3] Honor thy father and thy mother and thy father's mistress. 4] Don't Taketh in vain either the name “Vinnie” or “Nunzio.” 5] Speaketh thou like Marlon Brando in the Godfather. 6] Stuffeth not more than three bodies into the trunk of thy Cadillac. 7] Never whacketh anyone named “Bob.” 8] Sit with thy back to the wall while dining in public. 9] Never misseth a rerun of “The Sopranos.”10] Forgetith not that the Pope calls the shots.
DINNER MUSIC -- An Italian author and art buff claims he has discovered a musical staff on the surface Leonardo Da Vinci's “The Last Supper” with objects on the table representing the notes of a song. Sacred musicologists are at odds over whether the notes comprise “Hey Jude” or the theme from “Jesus Christ Superstar.”
OI VEY -- Forty thousand people who converted to the Jewish religion have had their conversions annulled by the state-funded Rabbinical High Court. Among the behaviors that could trigger immediate disqualification were infrequent and/or misuse of the terms "farklempt" "schnoorer," and "schlep" as well as unfamiliarity with the pharmaceutical benefits of chicken soup.
PAPA LOVES VOODOO -- In Port Au Prince, Haitians flocked to cemeteries , kicking off Voodoo's Festival of the Dead. Voodoo, a blend of Christian tenets and African religions fused by slaves, is practiced across the nation. It was sanctioned as an official religion in 2003 -- when the government conceded it was no more ridiculous than any other religion.
Contents Copyright (c) 2012 by Robert L. Mills All Rights Reserved
COMPARE & CONTRAST -- Fans of 65-year old Rolling Stones sideman Ronnie Wood are wondering if his plans to marry girlfriend Sally Humphries, 41 years younger, is a good idea heart attack-wise. Of course, being a Stone gives him an advantage. Standing next to Keith Richards, he looks ten years younger than she does.
HOWDY, PARD -- Cattle from Bismarck, North Dakota transplanted last year to Kazakhstan are thriving in the cold climate there, but local cowhands are too green to care for them properly so American cowboys are coaching them. The six-week course includes roping, branding, fence-mending and honky-tonk line dancing with someone else's wife.
PARTING GIFTS -- Yet another sign of Europe's crumbling economy -- UBS, the largest bank in Switzerland, is laying off 10,000 employees. On the surface, this sounds like bad news, right? No way. They've all been given a free Rolex and offered jobs guarding the pope.
APP CHAP -- A 17-year old London youth has designed a million dollar app called "Summly" that digests lengthy news stories into smaller bites in nanoseconds using algorithms. It's literally flying off the shelves in England thanks to a feature that automatically cancels dental appointments.
TOP BROWN -- Engineers at Boeing have developed a missile armed with microwaves that disables only electrically-powered devices without harming humans. However, they're still trying to work out a glitch. The only electrical device it won't destroy are microwave ovens -- due, the scientists think, to professional courtesy.
Contents Copyright (c) 2012 by Robert L. Mills All Rights Reserved
LAUREL & HARDY -- New Jersey Governor Chris Christie heaped glowing praise on President Obama for his handling of rescue efforts in New Jersey. He loves all the Obamas. In fact, he's so grateful, he promised Michelle he'll try to lose 100 pounds by New Years.
WORSE THAN DEATH -- For his own safety, Jerry Sandusky has been transferred to Greene State Prison and housed with the Death Row inmates. Great welcome he got. Three condemned men requested early executions.
RAT-TA-TAT-TAT -- Responding to the public outcry over their decision to levy a nickle-per-bullet tax on ammo, Chicago's Cook County Board has reconsidered. Seems the AK-47 owners complained that the tax would add $3,000-to-$4,000 per drive-by.
EX-PAT EXODIS -- According to a study published in the Wall Street Journal, Americans in record numbers are abandoning the faltering U.S. economy and seeking employment abroad. Most are finding jobs in engineering, health care and teaching foreigners how to use Windows 8.
TRADITION -- County officials are reconsidering their naming a street in Las Vegas after rockers Guns 'N' Roses after the group put up a promotional billboard featuring a woman being violated beneath the "Welcome to Las Vegas" sign. Good luck with that. Don't they know that "What's Honored in Vegas Stays Honored in Vegas"?
Contents Copyright (c) 2012 by Robert L. Mills All Rights Reserved
WHEN YOU WISH -- Disney has acquired the "Star Wars" franchise for a whopping $4.05 billion. But already, there are signs of trouble. Darth Vader is fighting with Michael Ovitz over the corner office... Snow White has to share three Dwarfs with Princess Leah... and R2D2 is refusing to host the Robotics Exhibit at Epcot Center.
BY THE SHORE -- Superstorm Sandy completely devastated the New Jersey shore, toppling familiar Boardwalk attractions like the Tilt-a-Whirl, the Ferris Wheel and the Tornado roller coaster. So far, the only thing they've found left standing was Snooki.
SPLIT DECISION -- In a study commissioned by the UN, researchers studying world hunger have predicted that due to global warming, bananas will soon replace potatoes as the primary source of food in Third World Countries. May be happening already. Several banana republics are now listed in the Zugat Guide.
SWIMMING UPSTREAM -- A new web site now offers live sperm of well-known stars from the world of sports and entertainment. For a slight additional charge, the sperm of an agent is included in the sample so the kid will have work virtually from birth.
HANGING THREE -- NASA's lunar rover Curiosity has the analyzed its first soil samples of the Mars surface and discovered compelling evidence that they contain "basaltic" materials similar to those in Hawaii. Looks like there was not only liquid water on Mars, there might have been surfing.
Contents Copyright (c) 2012 by Robert L. Mills All Rights Reserved
"Having spent twenty years writing for the indefatigable Bob Hope, and traveling all over the world, Bob Mills is well qualified to salute the famous corps of gag men who kept the comedian knee-deep in jokes. These first-hand recollections summon up the final phase of Hope’s career—and the end of the trail for an entire brand of show business."http://www.leonardmaltin.com/2009YearEndBookSurvey.htm
THE LAUGH MAKERS is now on KINDLE! (And Kindle equipped devices)
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WakiLeaks: History Declassified 2000 (Vol. One) is now available on Kindle for $2.99
Compiled from Bob's newsletter "Funnyside Up" published in 2000. This is a yuck and chuckle-filled stroll down memory lane to a time before the Bush administration had inflicted its damage -- a time before the search for WMDs and Osama bin Laden. See what we were laughing at back then, who was in the news and who had yet to enter rehab -- which NFL stars had yet to do time in the Gray Bar Hotel.
http://www.amazon.com/dp/B004IZLXIQ
MUNCHIES -- The owner of a Mexican restaurant in Colorado was charged with drug possession after marijuana was found in one of his tacos. He never should have named it the "Willie Nelson Tijuana Firecracker Special."
