SUN, MON, August 12, 13, 2012

NOEL -- Snoop Dog, who recently changed his name to Snoop Lion claiming he had become the reincarnation of reggae icon Bob Marley, is having second thoughts and will appeal to the Federal Courts to change his name back.  Seems he's realized that he actually became the reincarnation of the Bob Marley in Charles Dickens' "A Christmas Carol."

TYPO -- For the first time in Olympic Games history, a diving competitor achieved a perfect score of zero-zero point zero-zero.  Easily explainable.  See, he speaks only German and the official Olympic schedule was printed only in English.  He simply misread "triple twist with a tuck" as "trip and lisp like a duck."

 

TAXI! -- Two New York taxi medallions — aluminum plates that grant the right to operate a yellow cab — sold last week for a record $1 million each, the highest recorded sale since the city began granting $10 licenses in 1937.  Before you scoff, the licenses come with certain extras -- such as a lifetime supply of fully-charged, rear-view mirror Christmas tree deodorizers.

 

NEW IN TOWN? -- In response to a UN study showing that legalizing prostitution worldwide would reduce the incidence of violence on women, a preliminary vote
was taken on the proposal.  You could tell right away which countries support legalization.  They left their marked ballots on UN Secretary General Ban Ki-moon's bedroom dresser.

 

STRUMMIN' & BUMMIN' -- Randy Travis entered a North Texas convenience store without any clothes and demanded a pack of smokes.  Asked how he intended to pay, he stormed out, rammed his Trans Am into another car and fled, cops in hot pursuit.  He's been charged with attempt to harm a police officer, felony retaliation and DUI.  Could be real trouble.  Randy's blood-alcohol test registered .22 -- with a bullet.  



Copyright (c) 2012 by Robert L. Mills  All Rights Reserved

FRI, SAT, August 10, 11, 2012

NASABULOUS! -- The digital photos and meteorological data being transmitted to earth from the Mars rover Curiosity has NASA staffers in a state of extraterrestrial euphoria.  They had a party last night that went well past ten and reports are the Tang was flowing like water.

 STOP THE PRESSES! -- With newspapers tanking faster than a late-afternoon extra, newsstand magazine profits are down 10% from last year.  Not even Playboy is immune to the rapid downturn in non subscription sales.  Hef has had to pare his per-page photography budget to the bone.  For instance, Miss October will be replaced by Miss Fourth Quarter.

CAN WE TALK? -- Furious with Costco for their refusal to stock her New York Times best-seller "I Hate Everyone... Starting With Me," Joan Rivers chained herself to a shopping cart outside their Burbank, CA store.  Police had to be called before Joan agreed to leave voluntarily.  No arrest was made but not for lack of effort.  Officers tried to handcuff her but couldn't find anything real enough to snap them onto.

 

DEAD LETTER OFFICE -- Rivaling the shocking stats on loans plunging college grads into a lifetime of debt, the Chronicle of Higher Education recently reported that the percentage of advanced degree holders on food stamps doubled in the past five years.  These people know how the stamps were made and from whence the paper they're printed on came -- but, unfortunately -- not how to saute them with garlic and parsley for dinner. 

 

ALL EARS -- Dire warnings of escalating food prices resulting from the record-breaking drought in the mid-west unfortunately fell on deaf ears at our house.  Last night, I took the gang to the pictures and made the mistake of not buying the popcorn raw for $5 a bag.  By the time the kid popped it, it was $3.88 a kernel.


Copyright (c) 2012 by Robert L. Mills  All Rights Reserved

THURSDAY, August 9, 2012

38th PARALLELOGRAM -- Details surrounding North Korea's Supreme leader Kim Jong Un's recent wedding are filtering out to the West.  According to tradition, the bride wore something old (signed photo of Gen. MacArthur), something new (signed photo of Margaret Cho), something borrowed (crown belonging to Queen Latifa), and something blue (Smurf lashed to her garter belt).

PUMP YOU UP! -- Former California governor and silver screen terminator Arnold Schwarzenegger has turned sixty-five.  The familiar ol' iron-pumper is still in fine physical condition, though he might be slowing down a tad.  His next movie is entitled "A Caregiver Called Wanda."
 

 

PUMPING OARS -- A forty-eight year old Swedish kayaker is rowing three thousand miles from Bodega Bay, CA to Oahu, Hawaii alone in his five-foot boat.  He estimates that his solo voyage will take about two months -- more like two hours if a shark stalks him like it did that guy in Massachusetts.

 

BROWNIED -- Claiming that he had "inadvertently ingested food that contained marijuana," American judoka athlete Nicholas Deipopolo was thrown out of the London Games after a positive drug test.  On an even more positive note, before departing London, he snagged a bronze in the hop, skip and jump bail.

 

SHUTTLECOCKED -- A recent study on sports injuries concluded that those who pursue multiple sports are half as likely to be injured as those doing only one.  Of course some sports are inherently more hazardous.  For instance, according to the official Olympic Games Manual, danger wise, badminton, curling and synchronized swimming are considered one sport.


Copyright (c) 2012 by Robert L. Mills  All Rights Reserved

WEDNESDAY, August 8, 2012

STRIPED BLOUSE -- Thanks to a labor dispute,  for the first time in league history, a woman will be a line judge for the preseason  Green Bay at San Diego game.  Fans may notice a few changes instituted to accommodate  Shannon Eastin -- like the coin toss replaced by the credit card toss, infraction handkerchiefs replaced by embroidered hankies, and a ten degree increase in  stadium air conditioning.

BLIND JUSTICE -- Lawyers are circling and salivating like crazed vultures over the potential payday that will result from the Stevie Wonder divorce from his wife of eleven years, Kai Millard Morris.   Grounds?  Seems Stevie became enraged when his wife committed the unpardonable sin -- she laughed at Eddie Murphy's impression of him.

 

NOTICE ANYTHING DIFFERENT? -- Italian robotologists (generally acknowledged to be among the world's finest) have successfully created a robotic face that recreates five basic and familiar human expressions.  In other words, it has the ability to mimic both Joan Rivers and Cher, not necessarily in that order.

ULTIMATE DINING -- Las Vegas's protected landmark Caesar's Palace just spent a whopping $17 million to re-vamp their buffet that now seats 590 and offers 524 items.  Interesting floor show, too.  The first 524 diners get one item each and the rest fight over the remaining sixty-six.

CALLING HOME -- GOP nominee for the Texas Senate Ted Cruz told reporters he'll be happy to work with Democrats, Republicans and even Martians if necessary.  "Voters are taking him too literally.  He just meant he'll sit down with anyone," said Cruz campaign spokesperson R2D2.



SERIALIZED EXCERPT FROM THE LAUGH MAKERS

 CHAPTER 8  "HOW NOW, CHAIRMAN MAO?"


In 1974, soon after Richard Nixon opened relations with the People’s Republic of China, Hope began a behind-the-scenes campaign to become the first American entertainer to tape a television special there. He spent the next five years cajoling the State Department and the Department of Defense — at the start of every new season, I’d say, “We doing China this year?” and he’d say, “Any day now. Stay packed.”
 
Leaning on a raft of influential government pals including Henry Kissinger and calling in markers he’d been collecting from the government since World War II, he finally received permission to take our show there as part of a cultural exchange program dubbed “Ping-Pong Diplomacy” by the press.
 
On June 16, 1979, after a four-hour flight from Narita, Japan, a Chinese Airlines 707 filled with our merry band of mirth makers eager to get their first look at this hotbed of Communism, touched down at the Peking Airport. The group included Bob and Dolores Hope, their daughter, Linda, her co-producer Jim Lipton — with whom Gig Henry
and I would share writing credit — Jim’s wife, Kedakai, director Bob Wynn and a support crew made up of pretty much the same gang who had earned their Hope Squadron wings on our trek to Australia the previous year.

Since Hope was the most recognizable American to set foot in China since Nixon, we’d be whisked through Customs with some of the usual formalities either waived or abbreviated — an accommodation I’d later come to regret.
Our guest stars would arrive over the next several days — Mikhail Baryshnikov, Crystal Gayle, Big Bird from Sesame Street, mimes Shields and Yarnell and a popular disco-duo, Peaches and Herb. Booking the show had not been easy since we’d be spending a full month on location — three weeks in Peking and a week in Shanghai. While many major
stars would have welcomed the opportunity to see China, most are unwilling to commit that much time to any project short of a film and Hope wasn’t paying movie caliber fees.

Where’s The Stretch Rickshaw?
At the airport, we disembarked and discovered we were on our own. We would learn later that a delay in our arrival time had put us in conflict with a group of American mayors whose plane had touched down several minutes before ours. The junketing hizzoners included LA’s Tom Bradley,
whom we would meet later. The PRC officials were busy rolling out the red (no pun intended) carpet for them, so there we were, standing beside the plane — no movable ramps back then — holding our carry-on luggage.  “Well,” said Hope, “looks like we’ll end up tipping ourselves.”
 
We started off toward what looked like the main reception area — it  had a portrait of Mao over the front door — and after a minute or two spotted a convoy of government limos speeding toward us. Out climbed several officials from the Ministry of Culture who immediately began spewing apologies that would have put Kobe Bryant to shame. 
Presently there was more bowing than a convention of Sumo wrestlers as they led us into the airport’s reception area.
They had a long table set up in the lobby offering refreshments that the crew proceeded to devour while Hope was giving the first of his many interviews on Chinese soil.
 
We were soon convoyed to the twenty-five story Peking Hotel in small vans that carried about six people. (They would be available to us throughout our visit like free taxis.) During the half-hour drive, we got our first look at the hustle and bustle of life in the PRC and noticed few vehicles among the seemingly endless lines of bicycles. Bicycles were the
norm — millions of them. The hotel was about six blocks from Tiananmen Square and on the main thoroughfare that leads to the Forbidden City. There, a few years later, a student protester would gain the admiration of the world by making a Chinese Army tank blink first.
 
We were welcomed by the starched hotel staff standing in formation on the front steps. Each smiled and bowed as we passed. This custom would be repeated when we checked out, and again in Shanghai when we checked into the hotel there three weeks later.

Gig and I were shown to our rooms on the eighth floor while the Hopes were escorted to the twenty-fifth. Immediately, there was a problem.  Dolores’s room was on the same floor as her husband’s, but about fifty yards down the hall. She was told that was the custom among upper class Chinese. Apparently, our hosts believed that the centuries-old norm
for emperors should apply to tourists with emperor status on their home turf. Dolores would have none of it, requesting that her bed be placed in a large anteroom just inside one of the entrances to Hope’s suite where it would remain for her entire stay.

Most of the company — staff, crew and talent, forty-five of us in all — were lodged in the Peking (whose marble-heavy architecture resembled a Hilton shipped in from Moscow). The Russians had supervised its design and construction, and it showed. Our rooms were basic, comfortable — a
color TV was included, but for some strange reason, received only programs in Chinese — and they were never locked. The sliding doors to the balconies were double-pane glass to keep guests insulated from the street noise below.
On each floor near the elevator, a concierge stood guard with the vigilance of a rock concert rent-a-cop. Strangely, we came to feel no hesitation in leaving valuable belongings in a hotel room with the door open. Maybe the penalty for petty theft in China — death — had something to do with this.

Gig and I were assigned a young, affable Chinese college student, who spoke excellent English and was spending his summer with the government, to act as our guide and interpreter and to make sure we didn’t wander onto any military installations. When behind the Bamboo Curtain,
one feels much safer with a plainclothes agent within earshot. Or any kind of shot.
 
In 1979, first-class hotels in China had yet to come equipped with gyms, spas and swimming pools, but we had the next best thing — Dale Huffstedler, Hope’s masseur. Whenever we worked late, Dale would drop by, deliver a quick rub-on-the-run , and we’d soldier on, refreshed.  Each morning, there would be a large Thermos of hot tea outside the
door, which was the closest we ever got to Room Service. All of our meals were served in a cavernous, high-walled dining hall with huge murals of the Yangtze’s Three Gorges. It was about the size of UCLA’s Pauley Pavilion and every bit as intimate. Mealtimes were posted, and if you missed them, you were out of luck. McDonald’s and other fast food meccas had yet to invade the People’s Republic, but going hungry was never a problem since the Chinese traditionally demonstrate their hospitality through copious gifts of calories. Important visitors rate eight-to-twelvecourse
banquets — almost every evening. We ended up attending more banquets than a major league manager in the off-season.
 
Every day, lunch was a buffet that was heavy on seafood. Piles of shrimp, scallops, clams, mussels, oysters, crab, calamari, octopus, sea snails, fresh salmon and sea bass and other undersea creatures known only to the Chinese were arranged in attractive displays along with the usual items
found on most Chinese menus back home — the only noticeable difference  being a subtle “gaminess” due to the duck fat used in China for frying.
 
Gig claimed he was allergic to seafood and had to be careful. His allergy severely limited his choices; but one day, he announced that he’d found sliced tongue that was as good as the Stage Deli’s in New York. It was available daily, so he took advantage of it. Toward the end of our stay, I was in line with one of our Chinese technicians and said, “Have you
tried the tongue? My partner says it’s fantastic.”  He said, “That’s not tongue. It’s sea slug.”  I never had the heart to tell Gig.

TO BE CONTINUED...



(Excerpted from THE LAUGH MAKERS: A Behind-the-Scenes Tribute to Bob Hope's Incredible Gag Writers by Robert L. Mills.  Foreword by Gary Owens. Published by Bear Manor Media.  Copyright (c) 2009 by Robert L. Mills.  All Rights Reserved.)


Blog content Copyright (c) 2012 by Robert L. Mills  All Rights Reserved

TUESDAY, August 7, 2012

LITTLE CABLE CARS -- Retaining its reputation as one of the most health-conscious cities in the nation, San Francisco has banned smoking (except medical marijuana) at all public outdoor events.  Next, the San Francisco Board of Supervisors has promised to address the increasing dangers of second-hand fog.

GRAND OPRAH -- Since Oprah Winfrey left network TV to establish her own cable channel she's lost a quarter of a million dolllars.  But despite her financial woes, she's as generous as ever.  She still hands out free cars to audience members, but now they have to be returned to Avis when the week's rental runs out.

SING YOU SPINNERS -- Penal authorities in California have responded to long-standing complaints that Muslim prisoners weren't allowed to wear the traditional skull cap while non-Muslims could wear ball caps backwards.  The Muslim cons are thrilled with their new prison-issued caps -- but not so much by the striped propellers on top.  

SMALL HARVEST -- In Newport City, Vermont, 34-year old farmer Roger Pion crushed seven Orleans County Sheriff's cruisers by driving his John Deere tractor over them in retaliation for a marijuana possession charge he felt was unjust.  He later told reporters he thinks the cops singled him out because of his disappointing donut crop this year. 

     

SQUARED CIRCLE -- International boxing officials are decrying the one-sided, obviously biased decisions that have marred Olympic boxing in London.  Despite their denials, the incompetence of some judges is undeniable.  For instance, the chief ringside judge for the men's heavyweight finals was Paula Abdul.

HATS OFF -- At West Point in 1982, most of the cast and crew were assigned rooms in the Hotel Thayer, a comfortable, old, ivy-covered building on the Academy grounds that’s used primarily to house visiting family members.  There was a gift shop in the lobby that offered academy-themed items.  I bought this poster-sized print of an oil painting of a black, fur-plumed drum major’s parade helmet. I carried it around with me all week, collecting the autographs of our guest stars, George C. Scott, Bob Urick, Mickey Rooney, Mary Martin, Brooke Shields, Glen Campbell, Marie Osmond, David Merrick, Sugar Ray Leonard and VP George Bush. I managed to nail them all and didn’t realize until later that I might have a collector’s item. It’s no doubt the only document in existence signed by a Bush and George C. Scott.

Copyright (c) 2012 by Robert L. Mills  All Rights Reserved

SUN, MON, August 5, 6, 2012

SHRIMP ON THE BARBIE -- According to Match.com, three quarters of America's eligible singles have dated someone at least once during the past year while Australians report that only half have.  Probably because Down Under it's not considered an official "date" unless the guy ties a kangaroo down or waltzes with someone named Matilda.

 

PLASMA SUITE -- Nationwide, the stockpile of fresh blood is at dangerously low levels, according to the American Red Cross.  Blamed are increased surgical procedures, a decrease in voluntary donations and the fact that out-of-work actors are hesitant to sell their blood in case they get a call to work in a vampire movie.

 

FUSSY AUSSIES -- The Australian Legislature in Sydney recently approved a bill allowing tourists to take home souvenir live crocodiles.  Which is odd since Australian citizens themselves aren't allowed to domesticate a lawyer without obtaining a permit issued by the Society For the Preservation of the Outback. 

 

REBOOT! -- Science Daily reports the average lifespan today is six years longer than it was in 1982 thanks to better diets and regular exercise.  Unfortunately, according to another study commissioned by Microsoft, they spend most of those
extra six years trying to figure out how to send e-mail to their grandchildren.

SATURDAY DELIVERY -- The world will be watching as the Mars Rover Curiosity attempts to learn if life could have survived on the planet.  Not that we'll know the answer right away.  NASA says that it takes 14 minutes for pictures sent from the rover to arrive back in Houston.  That's because they hired scientists from the Post Office to handle communications. 
 

Perth, Australia 1978 -- Chuck Gouert (left) was an account executive with Benton and Bowles, the ad agency representing Texaco. Here, he’s reviewing the script with Hope and Chris during dress rehearsal. Texaco’s guidance and influence in the production of Hope’s specials improved their quality for the remainder of his career on television.  I took these shots at the Perth Entertainment Centre (Aussie spelling) that had 8300 seats, the last three rows of which -- Hope said in his monologue -- are in Indonesia.  




Copyright (c) 2012 by Robert L. Mills  All Rights Reserved

FRI, SAT, August 3, 4, 2012

SHUTTLECOCKY  -- Eight badminton competitors from China were summarily ejected from the London Olympics for trying to lose.  Attempting to advance to easier opponents, the players hit "soft" lobs, aimed outside the foul lines and did something unheard of in international competition -- they failed to properly cock their shuttle before serving.

PENTA-PORN -- Internal e-mail messages from top-level Pentagon officials to employees in sensitive security positions warned them that porn had been detected on their computers.  No employees were fired -- well, one was let go for a related offense.  A military satellite data analyst was canned for Photo-shopping Secretary of State Hillary Clinton wearing a pink polka-dot bikini pantsuit.

SAY "AHHH" -- Dr. Adam Levinson, a 39-year old assistant professor of urology at New York's Mount Sinai Hospital School of Medicine, was arrested in the Union Square station and charged with taking pen camera photos underneath womens' skirts as they rode the subway.  He was later released when government officials confirmed that he was in training to become a medical officer for the TSA. 

ORKIN MAN! -- In an effort to provide guests more sanitary rooms, the American Hotel and lodging Association commissioned a study to determine where hotel room bacteria congregates.  Researchers found that while the bathrooms are relatively germ-free, the TV remote control harbors the most bacteria.  And that just covers the physical body.  You contaminate the mind when you start pushing the buttons.

NO MAN'S LAND -- Olympic officials in London are denying that poor planning and inadequate logistics  are to blame for the dismal attendance at some events.  While
sell-out crowds were predicted and scalpers are thriving, many venues have been embarrassingly empty.  One British sports writer said of one, "There were more empty seats than a typical UK dentist's waiting room."

EXCERPT FROM THE LAUGH MAKERS

CARDIOMAN

 In 1978, Ohio was celebrating its Golden Jubilee, and the dedication of the newly-refurbished Ohio Theater in Columbus where Hope had performed in vaudeville. Produced by Bob Banner, our hour-long special would include a parade in which Hope would be the Grand Marshal, capped by a black-tie, invitation-only stage show.
 
It had been a long day for Hope, and on the evening of the performance, about a half-hour before the taping was set to begin, he was standing in the wings with Elliott Kozak. Most of the guests had already filed into their seats, and a pianist was playing a medley of Ohio-themed songs. Hope turned to Elliott and said, “Feel my pulse.” Elliott did and was alarmed by what he felt. Hope’s heart was racing at about two hundred beats per minute!
 
As Elliott led him back to his dressing room, Hope said he felt all right and had no chest pains. Regardless of the absence of heart attack symptoms, his heart was racing abnormally, so Elliott insisted he lie down.  Banner was called in from the tech truck outside the theater and after speaking with Hope, told a production assistant to go out front — and without explaining why — locate the insurance executive whose company had sponsored the charity event. Banner wanted to avoid alarming the audience with the usual announcement that was sure to do just that.  The insurance guy told the PA that a well-known cardiologist was on the guest list, but hadn’t arrived yet. She got his number. Banner called him and described Hope’s symptoms. The doctor told Banner to take Hope back to his hotel — just a block from the theater — where the heart specialist could examine him more thoroughly.
 
With Hope still protesting that he felt fine, Banner and Elliott quietly slipped him out a side door.  Meanwhile, the audience — and most members of Hope’s staff — had no inkling of the emergency. Gig and I accompanied Hope to the hotel and went to our own rooms to stand by if needed.  As Hope lay on the bed waiting for the doctor to arrive, Banner had
second thoughts. Maybe they were being too cautious in their attempts to keep the episode under wraps. After all, Hope was 76.  Banner dialed 911.
 
Within minutes, fire engines, sirens blaring, pulled up to the hotel ntrance. Watching them from our balconies, Gig and I thought the unthinkable had happened. We rushed to Hope’s suite where he was being examined by the cardiologist while the fire department ME’s stood by in case their equipment was needed.  They were soon released by the doctor, and after they left, we learned that Hope had been diagnosed with nothing more than an episode of tachycardia — an anxiety attack. The doctor had reduced his racing heart rate by applying pressure on Hope’s femoral artery. He was back to normal. 

We all returned to the theater where some of our guest stars had kept the audience entertained during the hour-long delay they blamed on “technical difficulties.” The taping proceeded without incident with Hope as emcee.
Over Dolores’s objection, he did a few more personal appearances in the East, but when he returned home, he had a complete cardio-checkup at Burbank’s St. Joseph’s Hospital. His doctors declared that he was heart healthy, but he had to wear a device called a Holter monitor, which he
wore for a week. Connected by phone to the hospital, it measured his heart activity in real time.  I asked him one day how he was taking to having the electronic device strapped to his belt.  “No problem,” he said. “But every time I open Playboy, the phone rings.”

(Excerpted from THE LAUGH MAKERS (c) 2009 by Robert L. Mills and published by Bear Manor Media.  All Rights Reserved.)

THURSDAY, August 2, 2012

NOT EASY BEING GREEN -- The Henson Company, creators of the Muppets, abruptly severed their long-standing promotional ties with the nationwide Chic-A-Fil Restaurant chain for their stance against gay marriage.  Chick-Fil-A promptly responded by condemning the Muppets' inter-species romance between a pig and a frog that they contend clearly violates at least three biblical prohibitions.

WAX IMPRESSION -- India suffered the most widespread electrical power outage in its history, causing 500 trains to screech to a halt, some in tunnels.  There was an immediate shortage of candles, suddenly the sole light source.  One Microsoft tech support employee was spotted beside a Delhi freeway on-ramp holding up a sign that said "Will Explain Windows 8 for a flashlight."

 

NO BUSINESS LIKE IT -- Preliminary talks are underway for a Broadway musical based on the life of Cher. If all goes as planned, the book will be written by Cher with music by Elton John and financing from the AMA.  It's tentative title is "Feathers, Beads and Sutures: A Salute to Reconstructive Surgery."

 

WOOF WOOF -- An enterprising young dog breeder is allowing tourists to exercise her dogs in New York's Central Park and charging them $15 an hour for the privilege.  Kind of reminds me of an escort service I once availed myself of during my bachelor days.  They also cost $15 an hour and they were dogs.

 

LIKE THIS -- AARP has launched a new social network designed for the 50% of Americans over 50 who are computer savvy.  It's a lot like Facebook with different terminology.  For instance, instead of a wall, users post photos and messages on something that looks like an "Early Bird" menu and instead of being "friended," you're "geezered."

ONE FOR THE ROAD -- This photo was taken in 1979 during our month-long visit to China to tape a 3-hour special.  An admitted

sweetsaholic, Hope became a frequent flier at the Peking Hotel’s ice cream bar which featured one of his favorites, chocolate mocha with sprinkles. But he had to pay a steep price when he got back home — six weeks at the Betty Ford on a non-fat yogurt drip. 

Copyright (c) 2012 by Robert L. Mills  All Rights Reserved

WEDNESDAY, August 1, 2012

RICKSHAW 54 WHERE ARE YOU? -- Embarrassed officials in Beijing recently admitted that eighteen Chinese cops were dispatched to save a drowning swimmer in the Yangtze who turned out to be an inflatable plastic sex toy.  The Taiwanese manufacturer filed a lawsuit alleging "undue adverse publicity causing loss of sales."  The case was thrown out for lack of evidence.  Three of the cops are engaged to Exhibit A.

 

GEIGER COUNTER DECK -- According to a water quality study conducted by the National Oceanic Laboratory,  fallout from the Japanese nuclear disaster in the form of radioactive sea water threatens to reach the United States within the next few
months.  Never one to overlook a commercial tie-in, Holland America Lines is already planning an L.A. to Vancouver "You Light Up My Life... Literally" Cruise.

 

NO STINKING BADGES -- The newly-elected Mexican President Felipe de Jesus Calderon Hinojosa has vowed to work hand-in-hand with Americans to quell increasing violence along our mutual border.  For it's part, the U.S. has agreed to limit gun sales to Mexico by the Justice Department and to destroy all remaining prints of "The Three Amigos."

 

RUNNING OF THE BULLS -- An enterprising wedding dress manufacturer in Belgrade, Yugoslavia staged a race in which over a hundred women vied to win a free wedding with all the trappings.  Just the sight of a pack of single female Yugoslavs running toward them so terrified Belgrade's bachelors, 300 of them immediately enlisted in the Syrian Army.

 

THE DUNDEE FACTOR -- Over vehement objections by wildlife activists, the Australian Legislature in Sydney has approved a bill that will allow tourists to purchase for immediate export live crocodiles.  Is there a size limit, you might ask.  Yes.  Your snapping amphibian must fit comfortably in the
overhead luggage bin in Tourist Class on QUANTAS.

CAST IN MARBLE -- The producer of our 1979 China special Jim Lipton wrote a parody of Gilbert & Sullivan's "Queen's Navy" to sing with these recruits from the Peking Opera who memorized the words phonetically.  We shot the number aboard the Marble Boat near the Emperor's Summer Palace.  As the story goes, the Empress Dowager had the paddle wheeler built to appease the Chinese Navy for whom she was supposed to purchase real ships.  Hope had joked about the boat in his monologue:  "They said it wouldn't float...  and then Billy Graham showed up."  The number was shot from a nearby boat as Hope and the dancers made their way around her decks.  




Copyright (c) 2012 by Robert L. Mills  All Rights Reserved