At the Dallas-Ft. Worth airport, an American Airlines flight attendant had to be carted off to the loony bin after she began screaming at takeoff “We’re going to crash! We’re going to crash!” Turns out she’s not nuts at all. She was on her cell phone with her stock broker.
In Washington state, Facebook recommended that two “friends” of one of their subscribers ought to know each other since they both knew the same guy. They did -- corresponded -- and discovered they were both married to him. What happened? Let’s just say his Facebook wall now has razor wire and towers.
The world of evangelism was shocked at the announcement that Pat Robertson has formally endorsed the legalization of marijuana. But it came as no surprise to his staff who became very suspicious when he changed his “700 Club” theme song to “On the Road Again.”
An ancient Judean silver shekel, minted in AD 66 was sold at auction in New York for $1.1 million to an anonymous collector. That’s the good news. The bad news is, it somehow got in among his loose change the guy tipped the valet with and now the valet refuses to give it back.
The Oreo cookie celebrates its 100th birthday this month. In honor of the event Kraft Foods unveiled three life size bronze statues on the steps of their Northfield, Ill. Headquarters -- Robin Williams standing between Chris Rock and Eddie Murphy.
A Longtime Bob Hope Joke Writer Presents Daily Insightful Topical Satire Of Current Events (Illustrated) Plus Rare Photos From Hollywood's Bygone Era And Excerpts From THE LAUGH MAKERS By Robert L. Mills -- Color Photos From the Book and Rare Classic Vintage Video Clips! Send Your Show Biz Questions to "ASK BOB" at: TheLaughMakers@GMail.com
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FRI, SAT, SUN, March 9, 10, 11, 2012
Thanks to Father Time and a season-canceling neck injury, Payton Manning has been released by the Colts as a free agent. The 14-season vet is reportedly taking his imposed retirement well. Brother Eli showed his sympathy by letting Payton rub his Super Bowl ring.
I-Pads are revolutionizing the restaurant business whose waiters rely more and more on them to take orders. Now a waiter can press a picture of the item ordered and the kitchen receives it instantly. Waiters needn’t be actors anymore. Idiots can do it.
American Idol icon Ruben Studdard has been assessed $180,000 in unpaid back taxes. That’s the bad news. The good news is, the IRS has agreed to write off $50,000 if he’ll agree to sing at their Christmas party.
In an attempt, according to a Wendy’s International executive, to make their restaurants more “customer-friendly,” they plan to widen their aisles, modernize their restrooms and allow their French Fry warmers to be used as tanning beds.
Bentley debuted their new EXP 9F SUV at the Geneva Motor Show.
Fitted with a 6.0 liter twin turbo-charged W12 engine and 8 speed transmission, the 600 horsepower monster will price out at about $160,000. It’s guaranteed by Bentley Motors to stand up to any 5-star restaurant parking lot on earth.
I-Pads are revolutionizing the restaurant business whose waiters rely more and more on them to take orders. Now a waiter can press a picture of the item ordered and the kitchen receives it instantly. Waiters needn’t be actors anymore. Idiots can do it.
American Idol icon Ruben Studdard has been assessed $180,000 in unpaid back taxes. That’s the bad news. The good news is, the IRS has agreed to write off $50,000 if he’ll agree to sing at their Christmas party.
In an attempt, according to a Wendy’s International executive, to make their restaurants more “customer-friendly,” they plan to widen their aisles, modernize their restrooms and allow their French Fry warmers to be used as tanning beds.
Bentley debuted their new EXP 9F SUV at the Geneva Motor Show.
Fitted with a 6.0 liter twin turbo-charged W12 engine and 8 speed transmission, the 600 horsepower monster will price out at about $160,000. It’s guaranteed by Bentley Motors to stand up to any 5-star restaurant parking lot on earth.
THURSDAY, March 8, 2012
A Japanese firm has begun marketing a laser gun that when fired at someone can electronically disrupt their speech pattern, effectively silencing them. Should be a lucrative U.S. market for the device. In fact, three of Rush Limbaugh’s sponsors have already ordered one.
Gasoline prices have increased so drastically, several Los Angeles gas stations are seriously considering adding armed guards at their pumps. The liquid gold has become so valuable, Kobe Bryant now gifts his wife 25 gallons of gas per marital infidelity.
French President Nicolas Sarkozy has said there are too many foreigners in France and that if he’s re-elected, he’ll cut immigration quotas by half. So much for the “the poor, the tired, and the huddled masses” immortalized on that statue they gave us.
According to figures released by the World Monetary Fund, Brazil has passed Great Britain as the world’s sixth-largest economy. How fleeting is fame? As soon as the shocking news was announced, Madame Tussuad replaced the statue of Mary Poppins with Carmen Miranda.
There are ugly rumors, growing daily, that Whitney Houston did not as reported in the media die from a drug overdose but was murdered. Wait, it gets even stranger. The prime suspect according to the conspiracy theorists is Andrew Breitbart.
Gasoline prices have increased so drastically, several Los Angeles gas stations are seriously considering adding armed guards at their pumps. The liquid gold has become so valuable, Kobe Bryant now gifts his wife 25 gallons of gas per marital infidelity.
French President Nicolas Sarkozy has said there are too many foreigners in France and that if he’s re-elected, he’ll cut immigration quotas by half. So much for the “the poor, the tired, and the huddled masses” immortalized on that statue they gave us.
According to figures released by the World Monetary Fund, Brazil has passed Great Britain as the world’s sixth-largest economy. How fleeting is fame? As soon as the shocking news was announced, Madame Tussuad replaced the statue of Mary Poppins with Carmen Miranda.
There are ugly rumors, growing daily, that Whitney Houston did not as reported in the media die from a drug overdose but was murdered. Wait, it gets even stranger. The prime suspect according to the conspiracy theorists is Andrew Breitbart.
WEDNESDAY, March 7, 2012
Vladimir Putin has again won the presidential election in Russia. According to exit polls, he won over the voters by promising he’d ban partial birth interrogations and provide free morning-after pills to co-eds at the University of Minsk.
According to a recent Gallup poll, 32% of Americans consider Iran the most dangerous threat to America. In second place is North Korea. Tied for third are China and BP.
Looks like we need to bribe students in our ongoing attempt to catch up to the Chinese. A Cincinnati high school awards a Visa Card with a $25 credit to outstanding students. Big deal. In China, the outstanding kids get a part ownership in Bank of America.
NBC is working on a new show based on the life of the cannibalistic imprisoned madman “Hannibal Lecter” who eats any kind of living flesh. They’re also developing a female version to be called “Kirstible Alleyter.”
London’s University of Lincoln has developed a computerized system of detecting defective potatoes on a conveyor belt using components available off-the-shelf. Oh, boy -- if used by TSA screeners, maybe they'll omit their foreplay.
According to a recent Gallup poll, 32% of Americans consider Iran the most dangerous threat to America. In second place is North Korea. Tied for third are China and BP.
Looks like we need to bribe students in our ongoing attempt to catch up to the Chinese. A Cincinnati high school awards a Visa Card with a $25 credit to outstanding students. Big deal. In China, the outstanding kids get a part ownership in Bank of America.
NBC is working on a new show based on the life of the cannibalistic imprisoned madman “Hannibal Lecter” who eats any kind of living flesh. They’re also developing a female version to be called “Kirstible Alleyter.”
London’s University of Lincoln has developed a computerized system of detecting defective potatoes on a conveyor belt using components available off-the-shelf. Oh, boy -- if used by TSA screeners, maybe they'll omit their foreplay.
TUESDAY, March 6, 2012
North Korea’s Kim Jong Un’s interest in American celebrities is already paying valuable dividends. Kim agreed to suspend his government’s nuclear weapons program, but not without demanding something in return. If Obama is reelected in November, he had to agree to book Margaret Cho for his Inaugural Ball.
According to a recent poll, the happiest Americans live in Hawaii. And why not? Fleecing unsuspecting tourists by hanging flowers around their neck that they picked for nothing and selling them conch shells they found on the beach while wearing free clothes they made out of grass.
A popular trend among celebrities and gaining with civilians is naming kids after the location of their conception -- like London, Avalon or Paris. Our parents did the same, but were even more specific, as I was just telling my brother “Rumble Seat” and my sister “Divan.”
Apparently, we need to bribe students in our ongoing attempt to catch up to the Chinese. A Cincinnati high school awards a Visa Card with a $25 credit to outstanding students. Big deal. In China, the outstanding kids get part ownership in Bank of America.
A vending machine outside the student union at Shippensburg College contains female morning-after tablets. But undergraduates aren’t allowed to buy them without first taking Biology 1A and Introduction to the New Testament.
According to a recent poll, the happiest Americans live in Hawaii. And why not? Fleecing unsuspecting tourists by hanging flowers around their neck that they picked for nothing and selling them conch shells they found on the beach while wearing free clothes they made out of grass.
A popular trend among celebrities and gaining with civilians is naming kids after the location of their conception -- like London, Avalon or Paris. Our parents did the same, but were even more specific, as I was just telling my brother “Rumble Seat” and my sister “Divan.”
Apparently, we need to bribe students in our ongoing attempt to catch up to the Chinese. A Cincinnati high school awards a Visa Card with a $25 credit to outstanding students. Big deal. In China, the outstanding kids get part ownership in Bank of America.
A vending machine outside the student union at Shippensburg College contains female morning-after tablets. But undergraduates aren’t allowed to buy them without first taking Biology 1A and Introduction to the New Testament.
MONDAY, March 5, 2012
A Modesto, California high school business administration teacher left his wife and four kids to move in with a former student when she turned eighteen. The girl’s family was stunned. Until now, she had never shown the slightest interest in business.
Lakers star Kobe Bryant was diagnosed with a concussion after a hard foul he suffered during the NBA All-Star Game. But doctors couldn’t tell whether he received the injury from Dwayne Wade or from enforcers from Tiffany when he missed that payment on his latest apology ring.
NASA has reluctantly admitted that they’ve “misplaced” forty-eight electronic devices including a laptop computer with the codes for controlling the International Space Station. Worse, the formula for Tang is missing.
Irish pop icon Sinead O’Conner says her fondest wish is to be photographed nude in Playboy. Some years ago, she was excommunicated after tearing up a photo of the pope. Irony, or what? Now the pope could be excommunicated for looking at a picture of Sinead.
According to a recent poll, the happiest Americans live in Hawaii. And why not? Fleecing unsuspecting tourists by hanging flowers around their neck that they picked for nothing and selling them conch shells they found on the beach while wearing free clothes they made out of grass.
Lakers star Kobe Bryant was diagnosed with a concussion after a hard foul he suffered during the NBA All-Star Game. But doctors couldn’t tell whether he received the injury from Dwayne Wade or from enforcers from Tiffany when he missed that payment on his latest apology ring.
NASA has reluctantly admitted that they’ve “misplaced” forty-eight electronic devices including a laptop computer with the codes for controlling the International Space Station. Worse, the formula for Tang is missing.
Irish pop icon Sinead O’Conner says her fondest wish is to be photographed nude in Playboy. Some years ago, she was excommunicated after tearing up a photo of the pope. Irony, or what? Now the pope could be excommunicated for looking at a picture of Sinead.
According to a recent poll, the happiest Americans live in Hawaii. And why not? Fleecing unsuspecting tourists by hanging flowers around their neck that they picked for nothing and selling them conch shells they found on the beach while wearing free clothes they made out of grass.
FRI, SAT, SUN, March 2, 3, 4, 2012
The Carnival Cruise Line’s Costa Allegra, crippled by an engine room fire, now drifts aimlessly in the pirate-infested Indian Ocean with no air conditioning, food refrigeration, stateroom plumbing, or electricity. Worse, without electric guitar backup, Kathy Lee Gifford has to sing a capella.
Fans of unbridled flag-waving are flocking to see “Act of Valor” about a Navy Seal team like the one that terminated Osama. Its opening weekend $36 mil gross was well-earned by producers who had a hard time financing the $12 mil film. Obama kept vetoing their budget.
Seeking forgiveness from Michigan Republican voters for recommending bankruptcy for failing Detroit auto-makers, Mitt Romney told them that his wife drives two Cadillacs -- both of which have built-in dog-carriers on the roof.
Automotive engineers in the UK have developed an alarm system that can observe driving habits and warn a driver when he’s putting himself in danger. Great, but how about a device that will warn British chefs when they’re endangering diners?
A new study published in the British Medical Journal indicates that ski-helmets lower the risk of head injury by 35%, but most skiers prefer the more fashionable ski-mask. Unfortunately, they say they’ll switch to helmets only if bank robbers do.
Fans of unbridled flag-waving are flocking to see “Act of Valor” about a Navy Seal team like the one that terminated Osama. Its opening weekend $36 mil gross was well-earned by producers who had a hard time financing the $12 mil film. Obama kept vetoing their budget.
Seeking forgiveness from Michigan Republican voters for recommending bankruptcy for failing Detroit auto-makers, Mitt Romney told them that his wife drives two Cadillacs -- both of which have built-in dog-carriers on the roof.
Automotive engineers in the UK have developed an alarm system that can observe driving habits and warn a driver when he’s putting himself in danger. Great, but how about a device that will warn British chefs when they’re endangering diners?
A new study published in the British Medical Journal indicates that ski-helmets lower the risk of head injury by 35%, but most skiers prefer the more fashionable ski-mask. Unfortunately, they say they’ll switch to helmets only if bank robbers do.
THURSDAY, March 1, 2012
Bill Maher told CNN’s Piers Morgan that prayer is “nothing more than trying to communicate with your imaginary friend.” Maybe Bill, but just wait until the imaginary friend decides to give your pot supplier a heart attack just as he‘s ringing your doorbell.
A Catholic church in Columbus, Ohio celebrated Ash Wednesday by distributing ashes in a special drive-thru lane. They got the idea from church in Cleveland that recently began allowing parishioners to go the confession using a drive-thru lane they named “Toot-N-Tell.”
GOP Oval Office hopeful Rick Santorum told supporters that John Kennedy’s endorsement of “Separation of Church and State” made him sick to his stomach. Strange since he seems to embrace the concept of “Separation of Brain and Common Sense.”
The sister ship of the ill-fated Costa Concordia had its engines suddenly quit while cruising the Indian Ocean. When reporters tried to contact the captain of the Costa Allegra for an update on conditions aboard, they were told he had already taken a lifeboat heading for shore.
Health officials in Mexico have announced that the obesity epidemic affecting Americans has leaked south of the border. In fact, it’s so bad, you can’t even do the Mexican hat dance anymore. The hats have become so big, by the time you can dance around one, everyone has gone home.
A Catholic church in Columbus, Ohio celebrated Ash Wednesday by distributing ashes in a special drive-thru lane. They got the idea from church in Cleveland that recently began allowing parishioners to go the confession using a drive-thru lane they named “Toot-N-Tell.”
GOP Oval Office hopeful Rick Santorum told supporters that John Kennedy’s endorsement of “Separation of Church and State” made him sick to his stomach. Strange since he seems to embrace the concept of “Separation of Brain and Common Sense.”
The sister ship of the ill-fated Costa Concordia had its engines suddenly quit while cruising the Indian Ocean. When reporters tried to contact the captain of the Costa Allegra for an update on conditions aboard, they were told he had already taken a lifeboat heading for shore.
Health officials in Mexico have announced that the obesity epidemic affecting Americans has leaked south of the border. In fact, it’s so bad, you can’t even do the Mexican hat dance anymore. The hats have become so big, by the time you can dance around one, everyone has gone home.
WEDNESDAY, February 29, 2012
Sean Stone, the son of Oliver Stone, recently visited Iran and while there converted to the Islam religion, changing his name to Ali. And following in his dad’s footsteps, he’s now claiming there was a second shooter in the assassination of Osama bin Laden.
Officials in Pakistan have demolished the Abbottabad compound where Navy Seals killed Osama bin Laden. As the building was torn down, the wrecking ball exposed several hidden rooms including a kiln for curing beaver pelts used in making fake beards, and a dressing room for forty-two virgins.
In Puerto Villarta, Mexico, thirty passengers on a shore excursion from a Princess cruise ship were held up at gunpoint by bandits. But Princess PR officials managed to make the best of it by re-naming the excursion the “I Don’t Got to Show You No Stinking Badges Adventure.”
The FDA will soon approve a compound made from spider venom that may be used to treat erectile dysfunction. Strict warning label required, though -- “See your doctor if it lasts longer than four hours or starts spinning a web.”
Apple Computers has partnered with LensCrafters to market a computer screen that can be displayed on eyeglass lenses and seen only by the wearer. They haven’t chosen a very appealing name for the new computer, though -- the “LensCrapple.”
Officials in Pakistan have demolished the Abbottabad compound where Navy Seals killed Osama bin Laden. As the building was torn down, the wrecking ball exposed several hidden rooms including a kiln for curing beaver pelts used in making fake beards, and a dressing room for forty-two virgins.
In Puerto Villarta, Mexico, thirty passengers on a shore excursion from a Princess cruise ship were held up at gunpoint by bandits. But Princess PR officials managed to make the best of it by re-naming the excursion the “I Don’t Got to Show You No Stinking Badges Adventure.”
The FDA will soon approve a compound made from spider venom that may be used to treat erectile dysfunction. Strict warning label required, though -- “See your doctor if it lasts longer than four hours or starts spinning a web.”
Apple Computers has partnered with LensCrafters to market a computer screen that can be displayed on eyeglass lenses and seen only by the wearer. They haven’t chosen a very appealing name for the new computer, though -- the “LensCrapple.”
TUESDAY, February 28, 2012
Memorable night at the Academy Awards. Biggest surprise was the Oscar for Best Supporting Animal. When the winner was announced, Sasha Baron Cohen’s Doberman in “Hugo” got so excited, he ate two other nominees -- the Charles Russell terrier in “The Artist” and Charlize Theron’s Pomeranian in “Young Adult.”
Currently undergoing rigorous background vetting to insure there are no surprises, hoop sensation Jeremy Lin is poised to sign the most lucrative endorsement deals in the history of professional sports. And he’s been told that he’d be even more marketable if he’d marry Adele.
A high school in Cincinnati, Ohio promises to issue a Visa card with a $25 credit for perfect attendance and good deportment. Kids who can stick to Michelle Obama’s child dietary guidelines get a Diners Club card.
The Food and Drug Administration has indicated that it will approve marijuana in an aerosol spray for pain relief. According to his friends, Willie Nelson is ecstatic. He plans to use it on his tour bus as an air freshener.
Once headed for NBA hoop legend status, former scoring champ Alan Iverson squandered $200 million in salary and endorsement deals, is broke and owes an Atlanta jeweler $860,000. We thought Kobe’s wife was unforgiving -- Alan’s must be absolutely impossible.
Currently undergoing rigorous background vetting to insure there are no surprises, hoop sensation Jeremy Lin is poised to sign the most lucrative endorsement deals in the history of professional sports. And he’s been told that he’d be even more marketable if he’d marry Adele.
A high school in Cincinnati, Ohio promises to issue a Visa card with a $25 credit for perfect attendance and good deportment. Kids who can stick to Michelle Obama’s child dietary guidelines get a Diners Club card.
The Food and Drug Administration has indicated that it will approve marijuana in an aerosol spray for pain relief. According to his friends, Willie Nelson is ecstatic. He plans to use it on his tour bus as an air freshener.
Once headed for NBA hoop legend status, former scoring champ Alan Iverson squandered $200 million in salary and endorsement deals, is broke and owes an Atlanta jeweler $860,000. We thought Kobe’s wife was unforgiving -- Alan’s must be absolutely impossible.
MONDAY, February 27, 2012
A vending machine outside the student union at Shippensburg College contains female morning-after tablets. The most popular brand is “Good Morning, Eve” from Johnson & Johnson, advertised with the slogan “Why take a chance on something that’s probably been in his wallet for a year and a half?”
Pleading diplomatic immunity, Prince Albert of Monaco will avoid facing charges that arose from a brawl at a popular Manhattan pub. According to police, the prince took offense when another guy at the bar accused his mom of living with Jimmy Stewart in “Rear Window” without benefit of clergy.
Kim Kardashian has been advised by her accountants that her 72-day marriage to Kris Humphries was disastrous for her various businesses. She’s not alone. Her quickie marriage adversely effected wedding-related businesses nationwide. The only sales that showed gains were wash-and-wear wedding gowns.
A convict on San Quentin’s Death Row protesting prison food, beat his executioner by dying of malnutrition. You have to admire his seriousness about making his point. For his last meal, he ordered roast nothing on a bed of fried nothing, a side of mixed nothing, washed down by a vintage bottle of nothing. No dessert.
The Boy Scouts of America turn 100 years old this year. Things have sure changed since I was a Scout. Used to be you had to demonstrate woodsmanship and outdoor survival methods. Nowadays, a Scout can earn a merit badge for memorizing all the apps available for his I-Phone.
Pleading diplomatic immunity, Prince Albert of Monaco will avoid facing charges that arose from a brawl at a popular Manhattan pub. According to police, the prince took offense when another guy at the bar accused his mom of living with Jimmy Stewart in “Rear Window” without benefit of clergy.
Kim Kardashian has been advised by her accountants that her 72-day marriage to Kris Humphries was disastrous for her various businesses. She’s not alone. Her quickie marriage adversely effected wedding-related businesses nationwide. The only sales that showed gains were wash-and-wear wedding gowns.
A convict on San Quentin’s Death Row protesting prison food, beat his executioner by dying of malnutrition. You have to admire his seriousness about making his point. For his last meal, he ordered roast nothing on a bed of fried nothing, a side of mixed nothing, washed down by a vintage bottle of nothing. No dessert.
The Boy Scouts of America turn 100 years old this year. Things have sure changed since I was a Scout. Used to be you had to demonstrate woodsmanship and outdoor survival methods. Nowadays, a Scout can earn a merit badge for memorizing all the apps available for his I-Phone.
FRI, SAT, SUN, February 24, 25, 26, 2012
Michelle Obama caught flack from Republicans for taking her sixteenth vacation, spending the Presidents Day Weekend skiing with her girls in Vail. But she did exercise one official duty by placing a wreath on the tomb of Spider Savitch.
Under the Department of Homeland Security’s new “friendly flyer” program, those who use the airlines twice a month or more may submit personal info in advance to avoid being searched. More than three times a month, they qualify for a free pre-flight cocktail with the pilot.
Fans want Israel to postpone attacking Iran until Madonna performs there in May. This is getting a little out-of-hand. Last April, they tried to delay major league baseball’s opening day until she had dated all of the Yankees.
Los Angeles beach-goers were stunned when County officials banned dog-walking, alcoholic drinks, tobacco use and Frisbee or football tossing. Exempt from the ban are objects one might find already there like medical waste, used condoms, plastic bottles, syringes, shopping carts. . .
Scientists in Denmark have developed test tube hamburgers made from bovine stem cells. Rick Santorum immediately condemned them telling reporters that “if God had intended humans to create hamburgers he would have made Ronald McDonald a pope by now.”
Under the Department of Homeland Security’s new “friendly flyer” program, those who use the airlines twice a month or more may submit personal info in advance to avoid being searched. More than three times a month, they qualify for a free pre-flight cocktail with the pilot.
Fans want Israel to postpone attacking Iran until Madonna performs there in May. This is getting a little out-of-hand. Last April, they tried to delay major league baseball’s opening day until she had dated all of the Yankees.
Los Angeles beach-goers were stunned when County officials banned dog-walking, alcoholic drinks, tobacco use and Frisbee or football tossing. Exempt from the ban are objects one might find already there like medical waste, used condoms, plastic bottles, syringes, shopping carts. . .
Scientists in Denmark have developed test tube hamburgers made from bovine stem cells. Rick Santorum immediately condemned them telling reporters that “if God had intended humans to create hamburgers he would have made Ronald McDonald a pope by now.”
THURSDAY, February 23, 2012
The Food Net’s Ann Thornton was caught stealing recipes. She first gained notoriety in the 1950s as a graduate student studying nutrition at Harvard when she slept with visiting lecturer Col. Harlan Sanders and got him to reveal his eight secret herbs and spices.
Italian prosecutors will soon indict the Costa Concordia captain with 36 counts of manslaughter. Looks like it won’t be long before an invitation to dine at the Captain’s Table will require that you bring your own tray and tin cup.
While swimming off the South African coast, pop thrush Shakira was assaulted by a sea lion. Turns out he actually meant her no harm. He just wanted a professional critique of his rendition of “Humoresque” on the xylophone.
Harry Potter’s Emma Watson will play the lead in a planned live-action version of “Beauty and the Beast.” The captain of the Costa Concordia has communicated to the Disney organization through his lawyers that he’s interested in auditioning for the Beast.
A living plant has been grown from seeds frozen in Siberian permafrost
for 30,000 years. According to scientists who discovered them, a note scratched into a rock found nearby suggests that the flowers were a peace offering from Fred Flintstone to his wife Wilma following a spat.
Italian prosecutors will soon indict the Costa Concordia captain with 36 counts of manslaughter. Looks like it won’t be long before an invitation to dine at the Captain’s Table will require that you bring your own tray and tin cup.
While swimming off the South African coast, pop thrush Shakira was assaulted by a sea lion. Turns out he actually meant her no harm. He just wanted a professional critique of his rendition of “Humoresque” on the xylophone.
Harry Potter’s Emma Watson will play the lead in a planned live-action version of “Beauty and the Beast.” The captain of the Costa Concordia has communicated to the Disney organization through his lawyers that he’s interested in auditioning for the Beast.
A living plant has been grown from seeds frozen in Siberian permafrost
for 30,000 years. According to scientists who discovered them, a note scratched into a rock found nearby suggests that the flowers were a peace offering from Fred Flintstone to his wife Wilma following a spat.
WEDNESDAY, February 22, 2012
Lindsay Lohan got good news and bad news last week. Bad news is she owes $140,000 in back taxes. Good news, she’s hosting “Saturday Night Live” and it will mark the first time the SNL cast will present an IRS sketch with a real IRS auditor.
A nude shopper who weighed 300 pounds showed up at a Pittsburgh Wal Mart and stole a pair of black socks. Turns out he was a porn actor buying wardrobe for his role in the now-filming “Debbie Does the Dallas Cowboys.”
Coincidentally, the guy was the only 300-pounder mentioned in the news last week -- unless, of course, you count New Jersey‘s Governor Christie.
The co-host of a popular British TV archeology series left the show after a former fashion model was hired as his on-air partner. Actually, the model demanded that the producers sack him after he refused to stop referring to her on-camera as "Airheadonus rex."
Launched last year amid much hype and hysteria, Oprah’s new cable channel OWN can’t seem to attract viewers. Seems nobody is tuning in -- nobody. Stedman confessed to reporters that he only watches it for sex.
A nude shopper who weighed 300 pounds showed up at a Pittsburgh Wal Mart and stole a pair of black socks. Turns out he was a porn actor buying wardrobe for his role in the now-filming “Debbie Does the Dallas Cowboys.”
Coincidentally, the guy was the only 300-pounder mentioned in the news last week -- unless, of course, you count New Jersey‘s Governor Christie.
The co-host of a popular British TV archeology series left the show after a former fashion model was hired as his on-air partner. Actually, the model demanded that the producers sack him after he refused to stop referring to her on-camera as "Airheadonus rex."
Launched last year amid much hype and hysteria, Oprah’s new cable channel OWN can’t seem to attract viewers. Seems nobody is tuning in -- nobody. Stedman confessed to reporters that he only watches it for sex.
TUESDAY, February 21, 2012
Last week, pomp and circumstance ruled the day in Washington as President Barack Obama welcomed the man slated to become China's next president, Vice President Xi Jinping. Obama took him on a guided tour during which Jinping was thrilled to meet American leaders that included Joe Biden, John Boehner and Jeremy Lin.
Two plainclothes federal agents on duty in their Los Angeles office got into a gunfight that was broken up only when another agent plugged the agent who drew first. Internal Affairs investigators have determined that the dispute arose when one made fun of the other by reminding him that his biggest pinch was Martha Stewart.
Social scientists are at a loss to explain why, in a nation with staggering unemployment, the sale of premium-priced hard liquor like Grey Goose Vodka and Crown-Royal Bourbon has eclipsed once-popular beer sales. One possibility -- upscale rehab centers routinely favor applicants addicted to more expensive substances.
Three hikers were rescued after spending six days and nights in a cold, wet Oregon forest. They told police they were saved by a hermit who's been living in a cave for 30 years. Yeah, right. Who's D.B. Cooper?
Two plainclothes federal agents on duty in their Los Angeles office got into a gunfight that was broken up only when another agent plugged the agent who drew first. Internal Affairs investigators have determined that the dispute arose when one made fun of the other by reminding him that his biggest pinch was Martha Stewart.
Social scientists are at a loss to explain why, in a nation with staggering unemployment, the sale of premium-priced hard liquor like Grey Goose Vodka and Crown-Royal Bourbon has eclipsed once-popular beer sales. One possibility -- upscale rehab centers routinely favor applicants addicted to more expensive substances.
Three hikers were rescued after spending six days and nights in a cold, wet Oregon forest. They told police they were saved by a hermit who's been living in a cave for 30 years. Yeah, right. Who's D.B. Cooper?
MONDAY, February 20, 2012
Hugh Hefner's 20 year-old son Marston has been charged with asasulting his girlfriend, 2011 Playmate Claire Sinclair. Maybe it's all for the best. Geneticists warn that if the son of the inventor of the Playmate marries a Playmate, there's a 40% chance that their offspring will be born with staples across their stomach.
Federal investigators are examining complaints that school authorities in North Carolina reportedly made teen-age girls flip their bras up during a concealed weapons search. Teachers blame the popularity of Smith & Wessen's new Cross-Your-Heart C Cup semi-automatic.
Preparing for the eagerly-awaited March debut of the iPad3, Apple's factory workers in Maylasia are toiling in three shifts, round the clock. In fact, they've been so busy, they barely had time to fill out Angelina Jolie's adoption application.
The most valuable franchise in the NBA is are now the Los Angeles Lakers, barely edging out the New York Knicks. Factors considered included yearly ticket sales, player salaries, stadium value and a pile of diamond rings found in Kobe Bryant's locker.
Federal investigators are examining complaints that school authorities in North Carolina reportedly made teen-age girls flip their bras up during a concealed weapons search. Teachers blame the popularity of Smith & Wessen's new Cross-Your-Heart C Cup semi-automatic.
Preparing for the eagerly-awaited March debut of the iPad3, Apple's factory workers in Maylasia are toiling in three shifts, round the clock. In fact, they've been so busy, they barely had time to fill out Angelina Jolie's adoption application.
The most valuable franchise in the NBA is are now the Los Angeles Lakers, barely edging out the New York Knicks. Factors considered included yearly ticket sales, player salaries, stadium value and a pile of diamond rings found in Kobe Bryant's locker.
FRI, SAT, SUN, February 17, 18, 19, 2012
The Beach Boys, celebrating 50 years in the business, were honored at the Grammy Awards. There were a few telltale signs that ol' Father Time has taken his toll, though -- like surf boards with safety rails... IV tubes that outnumber the guitar cords... and the lyric change from "I get around" to "I barely get around."
N.A.S.A. has opened bidding for a company to build "space taxis" to deliver astronauts to orbiting space station. Actually this is NASA's second invitation for bids. A New York taxi company was awarded the contract, but it had to be canceled. The prototype models smelled too much of urine and Christmas tree deodorizers.
New Hampshire is about to pass the first law allowing businesses to refuse service to non-heterosexual married couples. There are a few exemptions, though -- Ikea, the Pottery Barn, manufacturers of tight jeans or loafers with tassels and scalpers of tickets to Broadway musicals.
An inventive judge in Florida sentenced a man he'd found guilty of spousal abuse to take his wife to the Red Lobster to celebrate her birthday. Unfortunately, they were back in court within a week. Seems she ordered the all-you-can-eat popcorn shrimp for herself and the Crayons and coloring book for him.
N.A.S.A. has opened bidding for a company to build "space taxis" to deliver astronauts to orbiting space station. Actually this is NASA's second invitation for bids. A New York taxi company was awarded the contract, but it had to be canceled. The prototype models smelled too much of urine and Christmas tree deodorizers.
New Hampshire is about to pass the first law allowing businesses to refuse service to non-heterosexual married couples. There are a few exemptions, though -- Ikea, the Pottery Barn, manufacturers of tight jeans or loafers with tassels and scalpers of tickets to Broadway musicals.
An inventive judge in Florida sentenced a man he'd found guilty of spousal abuse to take his wife to the Red Lobster to celebrate her birthday. Unfortunately, they were back in court within a week. Seems she ordered the all-you-can-eat popcorn shrimp for herself and the Crayons and coloring book for him.
THURSDAY, February 16, 2012
Shortly after being sworn in as North Korea's new premier, Kim Jon Un unceremoniously replaced the longtime news anchorette on the state-run television channel with a younger woman closer to his age. Who knew Paula Abdul even spoke Korean?
In response to complaints from passengers, Alaska Airlines has discontinued passing out prayer cards at each seat. But they haven't phased out their religious ties completely. At check-in, you can now request an aisle seat or a stained-glass window seat.
The FAA released stats on flight arrivals and departures at major airports and Newark, New Jersey ranks lowest in the nation in on-time departures. Hey, give the ground crews a break. You ever tried to get a flight out on time with 300 dead bodies stuffed in the luggage compartment?
At the Westminster Kennel Dog Show in New York City, ex-con Martha Stewart's Chow Chow won the "Best of Breed" blue ribbon. Genghis Khan was disqualified, though, when he was caught teaching the other dogs how to escape.
In response to complaints from passengers, Alaska Airlines has discontinued passing out prayer cards at each seat. But they haven't phased out their religious ties completely. At check-in, you can now request an aisle seat or a stained-glass window seat.
The FAA released stats on flight arrivals and departures at major airports and Newark, New Jersey ranks lowest in the nation in on-time departures. Hey, give the ground crews a break. You ever tried to get a flight out on time with 300 dead bodies stuffed in the luggage compartment?
At the Westminster Kennel Dog Show in New York City, ex-con Martha Stewart's Chow Chow won the "Best of Breed" blue ribbon. Genghis Khan was disqualified, though, when he was caught teaching the other dogs how to escape.
WEDNESDAY, February 15, 2012
I spent a glorious Valentines Day making mad passionate love for nine hours straight. That's the good news. The bad news? My wife just found out about it.
The formerly indomitable Tiger Woods ended up carrying winner Phil Mickelson's clubs at the A.T. & T. Pebble Beach Pro-Am, finishing a dismal 15th. The only real money he made came from his commercial endorsement of A.T.&T.'s child support and alimony app.
According to the latest college eligibility stats, U.S. high school students score the lowest in chemistry of any industrialized nation. It's gotten so bad, some prestigious Ivy League schools now waive the usual science prerequisites and accept "meth lab" experience.
Last week was New York's annual "Fashion Week" when top designers and their models gather to show off their latest creations. Biggest fans of the gathering are New York's subway rats who like to gnaw on the bones of models who slip through the sewer gratings.
The formerly indomitable Tiger Woods ended up carrying winner Phil Mickelson's clubs at the A.T. & T. Pebble Beach Pro-Am, finishing a dismal 15th. The only real money he made came from his commercial endorsement of A.T.&T.'s child support and alimony app.
According to the latest college eligibility stats, U.S. high school students score the lowest in chemistry of any industrialized nation. It's gotten so bad, some prestigious Ivy League schools now waive the usual science prerequisites and accept "meth lab" experience.
Last week was New York's annual "Fashion Week" when top designers and their models gather to show off their latest creations. Biggest fans of the gathering are New York's subway rats who like to gnaw on the bones of models who slip through the sewer gratings.
TUESDAY, February 14, 2012
Europe is gripped in some of the worst winter weather in recent history. Wind, rain and massive snowstorms have blanketed much of the continent from Scandinavia to the UK. In fact France is buried in so much white stuff, last week dogs were lined up from Paris to Verdun to use the tip of the Eiffel Tower.
Kim Kardashian has revealed that she'll soon host her own bible study group. Fans needn't fear that she'll lose her nasty-girl image, though. She just launched a new line of perfume called "Mary Magdalene Fragrances."
Lucas Films has re-released the original "Star Wars 1" in 3-D. Fans will thrill all over again to the adventures of Luke Skywalker, Princess Lea, Darth Vader and R2D2. The film is being shown on a double bill with a documentary entitled "Whatever Happened to Mark Hamill?"
One of the largest babies ever recorded in China was born on Super Bowl Weekend to a couple in a town near Beijing. The parents of the hefty 15 pound, eight ounce boy are Giants fans and named him "Eli Manning Wong."
Kim Kardashian has revealed that she'll soon host her own bible study group. Fans needn't fear that she'll lose her nasty-girl image, though. She just launched a new line of perfume called "Mary Magdalene Fragrances."
Lucas Films has re-released the original "Star Wars 1" in 3-D. Fans will thrill all over again to the adventures of Luke Skywalker, Princess Lea, Darth Vader and R2D2. The film is being shown on a double bill with a documentary entitled "Whatever Happened to Mark Hamill?"
One of the largest babies ever recorded in China was born on Super Bowl Weekend to a couple in a town near Beijing. The parents of the hefty 15 pound, eight ounce boy are Giants fans and named him "Eli Manning Wong."
MONDAY, February 13, 2012
Robert Wagner celebrated his 82nd birthday last week. At a small gathering of family members, close friends, and executives from the reverse mortgage industry, Bob partied into the night and the best part -- nobody drowned in the pool.
Jack in the Box has introduced a new menu item -- the Bacon-Flavored Milk Shake. In their unending quest to best competitors, Jack's management rushed the announcement to beat the debut of McDonald's new French-Fry-Grease-Flavored Smoothie."
Sylvester Stallone and Arnold Schwarzenegger have been signed to appear together in action-spy thriller scheduled for release later this year. According to our inside sources, it will be titled 'Tinker, Tailor, Soldier, Spy, Over the Hill Boxer, Aging Philanderer."
A woman in Great Britain has entered the Guinness Book of Records by eating nothing but chicken McNuggets for fifteen years. She credits her success to the encouragement she received from her husband, Tom, and her triplet daughters "Peep," "Peep," and "Peep."
Jack in the Box has introduced a new menu item -- the Bacon-Flavored Milk Shake. In their unending quest to best competitors, Jack's management rushed the announcement to beat the debut of McDonald's new French-Fry-Grease-Flavored Smoothie."
Sylvester Stallone and Arnold Schwarzenegger have been signed to appear together in action-spy thriller scheduled for release later this year. According to our inside sources, it will be titled 'Tinker, Tailor, Soldier, Spy, Over the Hill Boxer, Aging Philanderer."
A woman in Great Britain has entered the Guinness Book of Records by eating nothing but chicken McNuggets for fifteen years. She credits her success to the encouragement she received from her husband, Tom, and her triplet daughters "Peep," "Peep," and "Peep."
FRI, SAT, SUN, February 10, 11, 12, 2012
Seventy-eight-year old Joan Rivers confided to CNN 360's Anderson Cooper that she has undergone 734 plastic surgeries. The reason she's counting is that as soon as she reaches 747, she's been offered a job as celebrity spokesperson for Boeing.
Two Princess cruise liners packed with passengers were suddenly stricken by a mysterious virus that stumped ships' doctors. WHO entomologists are trying to track the origin of the germs and so far are certain they're not from Italy because they stayed on the ships.
The National Assembly of the Republic of North Korea passed a measure forbidding the use of cell phones anywhere in the country. Loudest complaints came from North Korea's top fashion models -- now they have nothing to throw at their maids.
Rabbis nationwide were stunned by a report in the National Post that members of their congregations are secretly buying battery-powered sexual aids online. Favorite among the Jewish couples is FantasyWorld's "Hava Negila Massager." While it vibrates, it plays a disco version of Barbra Streisand's "Not Tonight I Have a Headache"
Two Princess cruise liners packed with passengers were suddenly stricken by a mysterious virus that stumped ships' doctors. WHO entomologists are trying to track the origin of the germs and so far are certain they're not from Italy because they stayed on the ships.
The National Assembly of the Republic of North Korea passed a measure forbidding the use of cell phones anywhere in the country. Loudest complaints came from North Korea's top fashion models -- now they have nothing to throw at their maids.
Rabbis nationwide were stunned by a report in the National Post that members of their congregations are secretly buying battery-powered sexual aids online. Favorite among the Jewish couples is FantasyWorld's "Hava Negila Massager." While it vibrates, it plays a disco version of Barbra Streisand's "Not Tonight I Have a Headache"
THURSDAY, February 9, 2012
Recently, when Facebook staged an IPO, founder Mark Zuckerberg's stock soared into the hemisphere and he's now one of the richest humans on earth. He can afford anything he wants -- anything. When he felt the urge to send God a shout out for his good fortune, he hired Tim Tebow to kneel for him.
Apple has dethroned Exxon as the most valuable U.S. company. unfortunately, Apple is heading down the same environmentally unfriendly path as Exxon did thirty years ago. One of their tanker captains recently ran the I-Pad Valdez aground and it's now polluting Alaskan waters with millions of lead-based memory chips.
In a northern province of China, palm readers were predicting which kindergarten children were destined for greatness. But Communist Party authorities quickly shut down the crystal ballers after one of them identified a future accountant who would advocate the return of all U.S. dollars as ill-gotten gains "forbidden by Confucius."
A Chinese gamer died at his console in a Taiwan game cabaret before being discovered nine hours later. Police quickly determined that the death was explainable. Bystanders reasonably believed that he was channeling the "corpse-in-the trunk" that's an integral element of "Grand Theft Auto: Confronting the Mob."
Apple has dethroned Exxon as the most valuable U.S. company. unfortunately, Apple is heading down the same environmentally unfriendly path as Exxon did thirty years ago. One of their tanker captains recently ran the I-Pad Valdez aground and it's now polluting Alaskan waters with millions of lead-based memory chips.
In a northern province of China, palm readers were predicting which kindergarten children were destined for greatness. But Communist Party authorities quickly shut down the crystal ballers after one of them identified a future accountant who would advocate the return of all U.S. dollars as ill-gotten gains "forbidden by Confucius."
A Chinese gamer died at his console in a Taiwan game cabaret before being discovered nine hours later. Police quickly determined that the death was explainable. Bystanders reasonably believed that he was channeling the "corpse-in-the trunk" that's an integral element of "Grand Theft Auto: Confronting the Mob."
WEDNESDAY, February 8, 2012
After much Bollywood ballyhoo, Starbucks has been introduced throughout India with 50 more stores scheduled to open just this year. Most popular menu item so far is the 300 rupee "Mahatma Gandhi Latte" which they won't serve you unless you're wearing a sari and agree to fast for 30 days.
Country twang-and-warble king Garth Brooks sued an Oklahoma hospital that promised to name a wing after his mom in exchange for a hefty donation. But that's not really what prompted the lawsuit. To add insult to injury, the hospital named the wing after Mel Brooks' mother.
Spain is currently undergoing the highest unemployment figures in their history. No one is immune it seems. Last week, an American tourist spotted Julio Iglasius on a freeway on-ramp holding up a sign that said "Will make another album with Willie Nelson for spare change."
Demi Moore was in the midst of a full-fledged seizure when a friend dialed 911 for what turned out to be an overdose of nitrous oxide. Toxicologists are dismissing it as a coincidence, but the drug of choice for the guy her estranged husband replaced on "Two and a Half Men" is "obnoxious oxide."
Country twang-and-warble king Garth Brooks sued an Oklahoma hospital that promised to name a wing after his mom in exchange for a hefty donation. But that's not really what prompted the lawsuit. To add insult to injury, the hospital named the wing after Mel Brooks' mother.
Spain is currently undergoing the highest unemployment figures in their history. No one is immune it seems. Last week, an American tourist spotted Julio Iglasius on a freeway on-ramp holding up a sign that said "Will make another album with Willie Nelson for spare change."
Demi Moore was in the midst of a full-fledged seizure when a friend dialed 911 for what turned out to be an overdose of nitrous oxide. Toxicologists are dismissing it as a coincidence, but the drug of choice for the guy her estranged husband replaced on "Two and a Half Men" is "obnoxious oxide."
TUESDAY, February 7, 2012
Fans and critics alike are unanimous that Madonna delivered one of the most entertaining halftime shows in Super Bowl history. Afterward she told an interviewer that she enjoyed it almost as much as her first halftime show -- and she didn't have to follow the lions and the Christians.
Now that the dust from the Super Bowl has settled, some truly staggering statistics are emerging. Did you know that fans across the nation consumed 450 million chicken wings? Sobering thought. There are now 900 million unemployed chickens nicknamed "Stumpy" trying to get a job with Colonel Sanders.
The Detroit Tigers just signed a nine-year $220 million contract with home run ace Prince Fielder. Turns out Prince comes from a long line of royal ancestors -- his grandfather was Count Basie and his second cousin once removed was Duke Ellington.
Kim Kardashian confided to an interviewer that she's long harbored a desire to start a bible-study group for her friends. Lesson one: the Old Testament parable of the woman who sought out Moses following his Sermon on the Mount to ask him "Are you sure he didn't say anything about 72-day marriages?
Now that the dust from the Super Bowl has settled, some truly staggering statistics are emerging. Did you know that fans across the nation consumed 450 million chicken wings? Sobering thought. There are now 900 million unemployed chickens nicknamed "Stumpy" trying to get a job with Colonel Sanders.
The Detroit Tigers just signed a nine-year $220 million contract with home run ace Prince Fielder. Turns out Prince comes from a long line of royal ancestors -- his grandfather was Count Basie and his second cousin once removed was Duke Ellington.
Kim Kardashian confided to an interviewer that she's long harbored a desire to start a bible-study group for her friends. Lesson one: the Old Testament parable of the woman who sought out Moses following his Sermon on the Mount to ask him "Are you sure he didn't say anything about 72-day marriages?
MONDAY, February 6, 2012
Starting next year, ballots for the annual Academy Awards awards will be computed electronically. Apparently, they've worked out the bugs that some years back necessitated a time-consuming hand-recount after "Beverly Hills Ninja" beat out "Avatar" for Best Picture.
Shirley McClain has been signed to join the cast of the popular PPS WWI soaper "Downton Abbey." Shirley should fit right in. Seems that in the sixteenth century she haunted the Abbey as the ghost of Lady Favershim in one of her previous lives.
According to county documents, Tom Cruise has purchased the hilltop Palm Springs mansion built in the 1980s by Bob and Dolores Hope. Local realtors are breathing a sigh of relief. While shopping for a new house, he ruined sixteen couches by jumping on them.
Yet another sign that the US economy continues to languish in the dumper, last year's housing starts were down 26%. One building contractor is so desperate for business, he hires rappers to trash their hotel rooms.
Shirley McClain has been signed to join the cast of the popular PPS WWI soaper "Downton Abbey." Shirley should fit right in. Seems that in the sixteenth century she haunted the Abbey as the ghost of Lady Favershim in one of her previous lives.
According to county documents, Tom Cruise has purchased the hilltop Palm Springs mansion built in the 1980s by Bob and Dolores Hope. Local realtors are breathing a sigh of relief. While shopping for a new house, he ruined sixteen couches by jumping on them.
Yet another sign that the US economy continues to languish in the dumper, last year's housing starts were down 26%. One building contractor is so desperate for business, he hires rappers to trash their hotel rooms.
FRI, SAT, SUN, February 3, 4, 5, 2012
According to polls, gambling receipts on this Sunday's Super Bowl will be the highest in history including an estimated $4.3 million won by the winners of office pools. The Patriots are favored to win by 3 points and it's even money whether Madonna will experience a wardrobe malfunction.
A group of gourmet diners in an upscale Tokyo restaurant required emergency medical treatment after being served broiled blow fish testicles. It wasn't the food that sent them to the hospital -- it was a gang of freshly-castrated blow fish who stormed the restaurant to exact their revenge.
After months of negative cash register receipts, the first Starbucks on the East Coast that opened in 1993 has called it quits. It was simple economics. Who'll pay $4.75 for a cup of some exotic overpriced blend of flavored hot water when they can walk down the street to another Starbucks and pay $4.50?
Spain-based SpanAir stranded over 20,000 passengers when it shut down suddenly and cancelled all lights throughout Europe. The good news is, each stranded passenger was offered a full refund plus $5,000 for their inconvenience. The bad news is, SpanAir is charging them $10,000 to return their luggage.
A group of gourmet diners in an upscale Tokyo restaurant required emergency medical treatment after being served broiled blow fish testicles. It wasn't the food that sent them to the hospital -- it was a gang of freshly-castrated blow fish who stormed the restaurant to exact their revenge.
After months of negative cash register receipts, the first Starbucks on the East Coast that opened in 1993 has called it quits. It was simple economics. Who'll pay $4.75 for a cup of some exotic overpriced blend of flavored hot water when they can walk down the street to another Starbucks and pay $4.50?
Spain-based SpanAir stranded over 20,000 passengers when it shut down suddenly and cancelled all lights throughout Europe. The good news is, each stranded passenger was offered a full refund plus $5,000 for their inconvenience. The bad news is, SpanAir is charging them $10,000 to return their luggage.
THURSDAY, February 2, 2012
A four-year-old kindergartner in Connecticut brought nine baggies stuffed with pot for "show-and-tell." His teacher wasn't the least bit surprised. She'd been watching him since she noticed that he was coloring with psychedelic colors that she knew Crayola doesn't make.
For the first time since it opened, people working with visitors at Disneyland will be allowed to grow a beard. The straitlaced outfit really hasn't conceded that much, however. Married male employees dating another Disney employee in public are still barred from using the services of a beard.
Beginning with the Australian Open, ladies who scream while striking the ball will be penalized to discourage the practice. Good news for the retired Monica Seles, though. She's been told she won't have to return any of the royalties she collected every time a fem netster grunted during a televised match.
Shocking most Americans who read it, the results of a UK study on driving habits indicate that women are better at parking than men. Of course, it's a British study that observed Brit drivers. Over there, men tend to be more distracted because most of them suffer from constant toothaches.
For the first time since it opened, people working with visitors at Disneyland will be allowed to grow a beard. The straitlaced outfit really hasn't conceded that much, however. Married male employees dating another Disney employee in public are still barred from using the services of a beard.
Beginning with the Australian Open, ladies who scream while striking the ball will be penalized to discourage the practice. Good news for the retired Monica Seles, though. She's been told she won't have to return any of the royalties she collected every time a fem netster grunted during a televised match.
Shocking most Americans who read it, the results of a UK study on driving habits indicate that women are better at parking than men. Of course, it's a British study that observed Brit drivers. Over there, men tend to be more distracted because most of them suffer from constant toothaches.
WEDNESDAY, February 1, 2012
Archaeologists excavating near Palestine turned up a marble statue of a Roman boxer they date at 0002. This guy had turned pro in 20 BC and had what's still considered the best corner men in fisticuffs history. Matthew, Mark and Luke handled his ringside strategy and Jesus was his cut man.
"Wheel of Fortune" emcee Pat Sajak recently confessed to an interviewer on ESPN that he sometimes went to work blotto. Actually, the audience suspected as much one night when he entered the studio, thought he was at his AA meeting, and announced, "My name is Pat and I've been hosting this mindless pap for 32 years."
Elton John and his partner, David Furnish, have released photos of their new baby Zachary Jackson Levon Furnish-John conceived by a surrogate mom with sperm from both men. But it's pretty obvious that Elton's sperm won the race upstream. The baby was born wearing over sized sequined sunglasses.
Hoping to reverse a gradual downward trend in cash register receipts, the Olive Garden restaurant chain has instituted some changes in decor and service. For instance, to add biblical authenticity, waiters dressed in a robe and sandals will kneel at your table while taking your order.
"Wheel of Fortune" emcee Pat Sajak recently confessed to an interviewer on ESPN that he sometimes went to work blotto. Actually, the audience suspected as much one night when he entered the studio, thought he was at his AA meeting, and announced, "My name is Pat and I've been hosting this mindless pap for 32 years."
Elton John and his partner, David Furnish, have released photos of their new baby Zachary Jackson Levon Furnish-John conceived by a surrogate mom with sperm from both men. But it's pretty obvious that Elton's sperm won the race upstream. The baby was born wearing over sized sequined sunglasses.
Hoping to reverse a gradual downward trend in cash register receipts, the Olive Garden restaurant chain has instituted some changes in decor and service. For instance, to add biblical authenticity, waiters dressed in a robe and sandals will kneel at your table while taking your order.
TUESDAY, January 31, 2012
With a best picture nomination and a Best Actor nod for star Gary Oldman, "Tinker, Tailor, Soldier, Spy" has already spawned plans for a sequel. But already, critics are warning that the sequel may carry too heavy a commercial tie-in. It's been titled "Tinker, Tailor, Soldier, Spy, Bed, Bath & Beyond."
Mexico City now has a new tourist attraction -- a huge countdown clock ticking off the seconds before the December Apocalypse predicted by the Mayans. May be a coincidence, but Arizona governor Jan Brewer has installed a clock on the steeple of the statehouse counting down the months and weeks left before Barack Obama's next visit.
Courteous drivers in northern Texas are now being rewarded with free gift-certificates handed out by state troopers. Clever idea the Texas DMV came up with to get rid of a warehouse full of "Rick Perry for President" bumper stickers.
Korean auto maker Kia has recalled some 146,000 cars, citing faulty airbags that will be replaced. Company officials remain mum, but insiders report that some wiseacre at the factory installed airbags that when inflated take on the distinctive shape of former North Korean president Kim Jong Il.
Mexico City now has a new tourist attraction -- a huge countdown clock ticking off the seconds before the December Apocalypse predicted by the Mayans. May be a coincidence, but Arizona governor Jan Brewer has installed a clock on the steeple of the statehouse counting down the months and weeks left before Barack Obama's next visit.
Courteous drivers in northern Texas are now being rewarded with free gift-certificates handed out by state troopers. Clever idea the Texas DMV came up with to get rid of a warehouse full of "Rick Perry for President" bumper stickers.
Korean auto maker Kia has recalled some 146,000 cars, citing faulty airbags that will be replaced. Company officials remain mum, but insiders report that some wiseacre at the factory installed airbags that when inflated take on the distinctive shape of former North Korean president Kim Jong Il.
MONDAY, January 30, 2012
Alumni, fans and supporters set aside two full days to mourn the death of legendary Penn State gridiron coach Joe Paterno. In what's being called the most heartfelt remembrance since that for Vince Lombardi, college locker rooms across the nation shut off their showers for one minute.
According to the gay and lesbian news magazine The Advocate, Salt Lake City is the gayest city in the nation. Evidence cited includes granting tax-free status to Ikea -- stats that show the city has more florists than "Starbucks" -- and the overnight success of "The Mormon Tabernacle Choir Sings Broadway!"
Fans and critics alike agree that Dustin Hoffman is sensational as race track gambler "Ace" Bernstein in HBO's new mini-series "Luck." The role was quite a stretch for him. Dusty hasn't gambled this much since he checked into that
hotel with Mrs. Robinson.
Since the Tom Hanks-Max Von Sydow starrer "Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close" landed a Best picture Oscar nomination, box office receipts have soared. When questioned, movie-goers said they had stayed away thinking the picture was a documentary about "The View."
According to the gay and lesbian news magazine The Advocate, Salt Lake City is the gayest city in the nation. Evidence cited includes granting tax-free status to Ikea -- stats that show the city has more florists than "Starbucks" -- and the overnight success of "The Mormon Tabernacle Choir Sings Broadway!"
Fans and critics alike agree that Dustin Hoffman is sensational as race track gambler "Ace" Bernstein in HBO's new mini-series "Luck." The role was quite a stretch for him. Dusty hasn't gambled this much since he checked into that
hotel with Mrs. Robinson.
Since the Tom Hanks-Max Von Sydow starrer "Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close" landed a Best picture Oscar nomination, box office receipts have soared. When questioned, movie-goers said they had stayed away thinking the picture was a documentary about "The View."
FRI, SAT, SUN, January 27, 28, 29, 2012
Students at a high school in Utah wanted to name their new football team the "Cougars" but their Mormon elders rejected it as "too racy." And that was the kids' second choice. They knew their first pick wouldn't stand a chance: the
"Latter Day New Orleans Saints."
Archaeologists and zoologists agree that new evidence suggests that the dog was domesticated about 33,000 years ago. And it wasn't easy for the cave men to walk their new dogs. Since fire hydrants hadn't been invented yet, every so often they would have to find a cave and draw one on the wall.
Queen Elizabeth is getting a new yacht and Royal Navy sailors are now being trained on proper behavior aboard the new vessel. For instance, in the presence of royalty the poop deck must be called the "defecation deck," scuttlebutt is "scuttle-derriere" and crew members must never mention Lady Gaga in the presence of the queen.
If you have a Facebook account, there's now an app that allows you to communicate with your followers after you die. Just think how handy that could be. If you die suddenly, you can send back for a change-of-clothes and toiletries.
"Latter Day New Orleans Saints."
Archaeologists and zoologists agree that new evidence suggests that the dog was domesticated about 33,000 years ago. And it wasn't easy for the cave men to walk their new dogs. Since fire hydrants hadn't been invented yet, every so often they would have to find a cave and draw one on the wall.
Queen Elizabeth is getting a new yacht and Royal Navy sailors are now being trained on proper behavior aboard the new vessel. For instance, in the presence of royalty the poop deck must be called the "defecation deck," scuttlebutt is "scuttle-derriere" and crew members must never mention Lady Gaga in the presence of the queen.
If you have a Facebook account, there's now an app that allows you to communicate with your followers after you die. Just think how handy that could be. If you die suddenly, you can send back for a change-of-clothes and toiletries.
THURSDAY, January 26, 2012
Fans laughed when chat host Wendy Williams launched her "Save the Twinkie" campaign. But already, she's entered a valuable collaboration with the Tea Party that will generate national publicity. Every afternoon at 4 PM London time, members gather for tea and Twinkies.
First Lady Michelle Obama's new Twitter page attracted 100,000 followers on its first day. What's being called pure coincidence, the National School Cafeteria Council announced that schools that adopted Michelle's dietary guidelines have reduced their average school lunch by 100,000 calories.
Here's a shocker that will make you stop and think -- a study commissioned by the F.B.I. predicts that by next year, one-third of all kids will have a rap sheet by the time they're 23. On the plus side, each will receive free front and side view portraits.
MSNBC has a frequent contributor named Crystal Ball. Think that's a strange name for a reporter? It's nothing compared to her brothers "Knuckle" and "Spit."
First Lady Michelle Obama's new Twitter page attracted 100,000 followers on its first day. What's being called pure coincidence, the National School Cafeteria Council announced that schools that adopted Michelle's dietary guidelines have reduced their average school lunch by 100,000 calories.
Here's a shocker that will make you stop and think -- a study commissioned by the F.B.I. predicts that by next year, one-third of all kids will have a rap sheet by the time they're 23. On the plus side, each will receive free front and side view portraits.
MSNBC has a frequent contributor named Crystal Ball. Think that's a strange name for a reporter? It's nothing compared to her brothers "Knuckle" and "Spit."
WEDNESDAY, January 25, 2012
Delta Airlines is leading the way in jacking up airfares by being the first national carrier to boost ticket prices 10%. Signs of cutbacks are everywhere. Last week, I flew to Cincinnati and in place of the in-flight movie, one of the cabin stewards put on a tux jacket and made balloon animals.
A woman in Burbank, California was charged with prostitution after vice cops caught her in a McDonald's drive-thru offering to exchange sexual favors for Chicken McNuggets. Kind of gives a whole new meaning to the Mickey-Doo jingle "I'm lovin' it!" doesn't it?
According to the cover story in this month's Cosmetic Surgeon Magazine, the recession has had a devastating effect on elective procedures. One well-known Beverly Hills practitioner told the interviewer, "If it weren't for Joan Rivers and Cher, there'd be no industry at all."
According to the latest reports from Beijing, former NBA hoopster Yao Ming is entering politics. Right now he's wrestling with the critical decision of which party to join -- the Communist, the Communist or the Communist for his first campaign against the popular former governor of Nanjing, Rickshaw Perry.
A woman in Burbank, California was charged with prostitution after vice cops caught her in a McDonald's drive-thru offering to exchange sexual favors for Chicken McNuggets. Kind of gives a whole new meaning to the Mickey-Doo jingle "I'm lovin' it!" doesn't it?
According to the cover story in this month's Cosmetic Surgeon Magazine, the recession has had a devastating effect on elective procedures. One well-known Beverly Hills practitioner told the interviewer, "If it weren't for Joan Rivers and Cher, there'd be no industry at all."
According to the latest reports from Beijing, former NBA hoopster Yao Ming is entering politics. Right now he's wrestling with the critical decision of which party to join -- the Communist, the Communist or the Communist for his first campaign against the popular former governor of Nanjing, Rickshaw Perry.
TUESDAY, January 24, 2012
The current crop of movie hits has not, by those addicted to profit, gone unnoticed. Never a movie studio to overlook the opportunity to hop on a ticket-sales bandwagon, Disney has green lighted a 3-D cartoon project entitled "The Dragon with the Girl Tattoo."
Donald Trump began placing a bids on Tim Tebow memorabilia and went home with $12,000 worth of the QB's collection. Ironically, the sale falls right in line with Tim's favorite bible verse, Corinthians 22:11 -- "Blessed are the
gullible, for they shall be fleeced shamelessly.
Faced with federal charges that they violated EEOC rules by refusing employment to applicants with criminal records, Pepsi has agreed to pay a $3 million fine. Great news for Martha Stewart who can now get that bottling plant job she's been eyeing.
Only twenty-six Americans were killed last year by lightening strikes, the lowest figure in recorded history. Not surprising since the chances of being struck are one in 12,000,000 -- in layman's terms about the same chance as Captain Schettino going down with his ship.
Donald Trump began placing a bids on Tim Tebow memorabilia and went home with $12,000 worth of the QB's collection. Ironically, the sale falls right in line with Tim's favorite bible verse, Corinthians 22:11 -- "Blessed are the
gullible, for they shall be fleeced shamelessly.
Faced with federal charges that they violated EEOC rules by refusing employment to applicants with criminal records, Pepsi has agreed to pay a $3 million fine. Great news for Martha Stewart who can now get that bottling plant job she's been eyeing.
Only twenty-six Americans were killed last year by lightening strikes, the lowest figure in recorded history. Not surprising since the chances of being struck are one in 12,000,000 -- in layman's terms about the same chance as Captain Schettino going down with his ship.
MONDAY, January 23, 2012
Readers were stunned by a news story that a stranded hiker on Washington's Mount Rainier burned the dollar bills he was carrying to keep warm until rescuers arrived. Big deal. In the last Olympics, China kept the Olympic flame going by feeding it fresh, crisp Alexander Hamiltons.
The Federal Appeals Court in Denver has ruled in favor of a Muslim who challenged Oklahoma's ban on observing Sharia law. The justices reasoned that if the Oklahoma Klan can wear pillowcases with eye holes, why can't Muslim women?
Music critics around the world were astounded at the news that Paris Hilton is actually producing another album. No one holds out much hope of a hit. Let's put it this way: Paris is to carrying a tune what Captain Schettino is to steering a cruise ship.
Viewers were shocked that Sarah Michelle Geller actually brought her two-year old daughter to the Golden Globes. But they're snickering out of the other side of their mouth now. Producers in the audience signed the kid for the lead in Lifetime's upcoming "The Life of the Gerber Baby."
The Federal Appeals Court in Denver has ruled in favor of a Muslim who challenged Oklahoma's ban on observing Sharia law. The justices reasoned that if the Oklahoma Klan can wear pillowcases with eye holes, why can't Muslim women?
Music critics around the world were astounded at the news that Paris Hilton is actually producing another album. No one holds out much hope of a hit. Let's put it this way: Paris is to carrying a tune what Captain Schettino is to steering a cruise ship.
Viewers were shocked that Sarah Michelle Geller actually brought her two-year old daughter to the Golden Globes. But they're snickering out of the other side of their mouth now. Producers in the audience signed the kid for the lead in Lifetime's upcoming "The Life of the Gerber Baby."
FRI, SAT, SUN, January 20, 21, 22, 2012
Disgruntled factory workers in Shanghai who assemble complex Xbox consoles climbed on the roof of their factory and threatened to commit mass suicide. That's nothing compared to Kim Kardashian's seamstresses in Singapore who threatened to kill themselves unless they got a roof.
O.J. Simpson's half-million dollar, four bedroom, four bath home near Miami is threatened with foreclosure while its owner is serving a nine to thirty-three year term in a Nevada jail. Questioned by reporters, the Broward County Sheriff told them simply, "If the striped suit fits, I must evict."
The religion police in Iran have ordered all Barbie Dolls be removed from toy store shelves because they're "un-Muslim." Tough luck for Mattel. Their new "Arranged Marriage Barbie" was just beginning to sell.
For the first time, Wal-Mart will offer its customers income tax advice for free in 3,000 of its stores nationwide. The way it works is, you give them your tax documents and they send them to a bunch of Chinese accountants in a Shanghai sweat shop.
O.J. Simpson's half-million dollar, four bedroom, four bath home near Miami is threatened with foreclosure while its owner is serving a nine to thirty-three year term in a Nevada jail. Questioned by reporters, the Broward County Sheriff told them simply, "If the striped suit fits, I must evict."
The religion police in Iran have ordered all Barbie Dolls be removed from toy store shelves because they're "un-Muslim." Tough luck for Mattel. Their new "Arranged Marriage Barbie" was just beginning to sell.
For the first time, Wal-Mart will offer its customers income tax advice for free in 3,000 of its stores nationwide. The way it works is, you give them your tax documents and they send them to a bunch of Chinese accountants in a Shanghai sweat shop.
THURSDAY, January 19, 2012
According to Sports Marketing, Inc., the top-selling pro sports item in 2010 was the Aaron Rogers Green Bay Packers jersey. In collegiate marketing, the biggest-selling sports-themed item was Penn State's Jerry Sandusky Soap-on-a-Rope.
Texas State Police pulled over a tour bus that was transporting Snoop Dogg to his next gig in Amarillo. During a routine search a member of their K-9 Unit zeroed-in on some marijuana stashed in a waste basket. Sense the irony here? Snoop Dog exposed by a snoopy dog?
New York's opera season may be canceled thanks to a dispute between opera members and musicians. Talks appeared to be going well when suddenly the brass section started dueling with some spear-carriers from "Rigoletto" and by the time police arrived, three of them were impaled -- two on spears and one on a trombone slide.
Speech scientists at Florida Atlantic University have discovered that, contrary to popular belief, infants don't learn to speak by hearing words but rather by reading lips. Even more shocking to the researchers, tots taken to baseball games become fluent in sign language by watching the catcher's hands.
Texas State Police pulled over a tour bus that was transporting Snoop Dogg to his next gig in Amarillo. During a routine search a member of their K-9 Unit zeroed-in on some marijuana stashed in a waste basket. Sense the irony here? Snoop Dog exposed by a snoopy dog?
New York's opera season may be canceled thanks to a dispute between opera members and musicians. Talks appeared to be going well when suddenly the brass section started dueling with some spear-carriers from "Rigoletto" and by the time police arrived, three of them were impaled -- two on spears and one on a trombone slide.
Speech scientists at Florida Atlantic University have discovered that, contrary to popular belief, infants don't learn to speak by hearing words but rather by reading lips. Even more shocking to the researchers, tots taken to baseball games become fluent in sign language by watching the catcher's hands.
WEDNESDAY, January 18, 2012
Producers of the new "Dallas" series on TNT promise that it will remain faithful to the original while being "more modern." Maybe it's a little too current. For instance, J.R. still gets shot but this time he's assassinated by a team of Navy Seals after a neighboring rancher accuses him of joining al Quaeda.
A company called SpareOne has developed a cell phone battery with a 15-year life. I guess it was inevitable. We went from a society where parents would stay married until the children were grown to a society where their children will keep their cell phones until the batteries run down and stay married for 72 days.
A Washington, DC Burger King franchise has become the first fast food restaurant in the nation to deliver. But is this really something we should encourage? When you stop to think about it, it's the first time in gastronomic history that the fat grams, the sodium and cost of the fuel to deliver it exceeds the price of the food itself.
Space officials in Moscow are now under investigation by the KGB after a $170 million space probe rocket that was supposed to explore a moon near Mars plunged into the drink off the coast of Chile after attempting to reach orbit for over two months. For the first time in its history, Pravda ran a five-inch, one word headline -- "OOPS-SKI!
A company called SpareOne has developed a cell phone battery with a 15-year life. I guess it was inevitable. We went from a society where parents would stay married until the children were grown to a society where their children will keep their cell phones until the batteries run down and stay married for 72 days.
A Washington, DC Burger King franchise has become the first fast food restaurant in the nation to deliver. But is this really something we should encourage? When you stop to think about it, it's the first time in gastronomic history that the fat grams, the sodium and cost of the fuel to deliver it exceeds the price of the food itself.
Space officials in Moscow are now under investigation by the KGB after a $170 million space probe rocket that was supposed to explore a moon near Mars plunged into the drink off the coast of Chile after attempting to reach orbit for over two months. For the first time in its history, Pravda ran a five-inch, one word headline -- "OOPS-SKI!
TUESDAY, January 17, 2012
The Golden Globe Awards were particularly entertaining this year with host Ricky Gervaise as funny as ever and the wall-to-wall film stars applauded dutifully. Most deserved was the special award for “resisting a primal urge” that went to Angelina Jolie for not adopting an Ethiopian kid during the entire three-hour telecast.
Chinese space scientists have vowed to put a “lunarnaut” on the moon before the end of this decade. Beijing has already approved the official first-step motto: “One small step for Mandarin -- one giant step for P. F. Chang’s.”
Bed, Bath & Beyond had to recall several thousand chromium facial tissue-holders after a routine check found them to be contaminated with atomic radiation. Less than an hour after the news was released, Iran issued an official statement that they had nothing to do with it.
A tea maker in Beijing who discovered that leaves fertilized with excrement of pandas have a unique flavor is planning to market it as the “world’s most expensive tea.” It has one unfortunate side effect, however. Five cups and you get an overwhelming urge to hibernate in a cave near Kowloon.
Chinese space scientists have vowed to put a “lunarnaut” on the moon before the end of this decade. Beijing has already approved the official first-step motto: “One small step for Mandarin -- one giant step for P. F. Chang’s.”
Bed, Bath & Beyond had to recall several thousand chromium facial tissue-holders after a routine check found them to be contaminated with atomic radiation. Less than an hour after the news was released, Iran issued an official statement that they had nothing to do with it.
A tea maker in Beijing who discovered that leaves fertilized with excrement of pandas have a unique flavor is planning to market it as the “world’s most expensive tea.” It has one unfortunate side effect, however. Five cups and you get an overwhelming urge to hibernate in a cave near Kowloon.
MONDAY, January 16, 2012
Donald Trump has applied to New York building authorities for permits necessary to build an 18-hole golf course in the heart of the city. New York City golf is a little different from the game invented in Scotland -- the hazards include sand traps, out-of-bounds, casual water and muggers.
Producers of a biographical film on the life of Elizabeth Taylor are rumored to be seriously considering Lindsay Lohan to play the lead. Nothing confirmed yet, but they’ve already hired a jeweler to design a diamond-studded ankle alarm bracelet that will look like a gift from Richard Burton.
Nike’s hot new basketball shoe the “Air Jordan” is so popular, lucky wearers who found a pair have been mugged for them. Not quite as popular but big on the west coast are Nike’s new “Air Kobes” that wearers report give them an uncontrollable desire to abandon their loyalty to Nike in favor of Converse shoes.
International scholars are all agog over the upcoming meeting between lifelong friends Venuzuela’s Hugo Chavez and Iran’s Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. If their rumored intentions are realized, the United Nations will soon receive a request for membership from “Veranuzuela.”
Producers of a biographical film on the life of Elizabeth Taylor are rumored to be seriously considering Lindsay Lohan to play the lead. Nothing confirmed yet, but they’ve already hired a jeweler to design a diamond-studded ankle alarm bracelet that will look like a gift from Richard Burton.
Nike’s hot new basketball shoe the “Air Jordan” is so popular, lucky wearers who found a pair have been mugged for them. Not quite as popular but big on the west coast are Nike’s new “Air Kobes” that wearers report give them an uncontrollable desire to abandon their loyalty to Nike in favor of Converse shoes.
International scholars are all agog over the upcoming meeting between lifelong friends Venuzuela’s Hugo Chavez and Iran’s Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. If their rumored intentions are realized, the United Nations will soon receive a request for membership from “Veranuzuela.”
FRI, SAT, SUN, January 13, 14, 15, 2012
TV's Kiefer Sutherland has been signed to play his "24" character Jack Bauer in the film version. I can't wait to watch him on the big screen. Just think how much more exciting water boarding will be when the board looks like it's 30-feet long.
Hostess Bakeries, makers of Twinkies as well as other junk foods, has filed a petition in federal court for bankruptcy protection. Sales began to plummet drastically right after the FDA authorized the makers of poisonous substances like cyanide and arsenic to replace the skull and cross-bones on their containers with an outline of a Twinkie.
An exhibition in New York City currently on display features well-known Big Apple landmarks like the Bowery and Herald Square recreated with indigenous tree bark, roots, stems, flowers, leaves and seeds. Or, as Martha Stewart calls them "a salad."
This year makes the 100th birthday of the Girl Scouts of America which was modeled after Great Britain's "Girl Explorers." They even copied their cookie recipe. In fact, that same year, a shipment of them bound from England to the U.S. was thought to have contributed to the sinking of the Titanic.
Hostess Bakeries, makers of Twinkies as well as other junk foods, has filed a petition in federal court for bankruptcy protection. Sales began to plummet drastically right after the FDA authorized the makers of poisonous substances like cyanide and arsenic to replace the skull and cross-bones on their containers with an outline of a Twinkie.
An exhibition in New York City currently on display features well-known Big Apple landmarks like the Bowery and Herald Square recreated with indigenous tree bark, roots, stems, flowers, leaves and seeds. Or, as Martha Stewart calls them "a salad."
This year makes the 100th birthday of the Girl Scouts of America which was modeled after Great Britain's "Girl Explorers." They even copied their cookie recipe. In fact, that same year, a shipment of them bound from England to the U.S. was thought to have contributed to the sinking of the Titanic.
THURSDAY, January 12, 2012
Facing massive losses due to rising fuel prices, Delta Air Lines has reluctantly raised the price of their tickets across-the-board. And they've instituted drastic cutbacks to save money. Now in the event of a sudden drop in cabin pressure, an oxygen mask drops down between the seats with a sign on it that says "Share this."
Beyonce and husband Jay-Z are now the proud parents of a new girl baby they've named "Ive Blue." And I know what you're thinking. Like every other joke writer throughout the land, I somehow resisted the urge to report that she gave birth to a "beyonce baby girl."
A bank robber holding up a London Bank got rattled and inadvertently handed the teller his .38 snub-nose automatic instead of the demand note he had written. Then things got even more confusing. The uniformed guard nearby thought the teller was delivering a premium for opening a new account and gave the robber tips on where to buy cut-rate ammo.
Mattel has announced that they'll soon offer a matched set of Kardashian Sister dolls. Advance word is that they're so lifelike, the Kim doll comes with six Chinese children dolls that make her clothes in a sweatshop doll house.
Beyonce and husband Jay-Z are now the proud parents of a new girl baby they've named "Ive Blue." And I know what you're thinking. Like every other joke writer throughout the land, I somehow resisted the urge to report that she gave birth to a "beyonce baby girl."
A bank robber holding up a London Bank got rattled and inadvertently handed the teller his .38 snub-nose automatic instead of the demand note he had written. Then things got even more confusing. The uniformed guard nearby thought the teller was delivering a premium for opening a new account and gave the robber tips on where to buy cut-rate ammo.
Mattel has announced that they'll soon offer a matched set of Kardashian Sister dolls. Advance word is that they're so lifelike, the Kim doll comes with six Chinese children dolls that make her clothes in a sweatshop doll house.
WEDNESDAY, January 11, 2012
When the clerk at White Castle asks if you'd like to "supersize that," he may be offering to put a head on your brewski. The fast food chain now offers beer and wine so be careful, gals -- from now on when a guy asks you out for a drink, best you ask for specifics.
Pop culture gadflies The Kardashians have launched their own magazine called "K." I think there are already too many magazines named with a letter. "Gentleman's Quarterly" is now "GQ" -- Oprah's magazine is called "O." If the Kardashians insist on a letter, wouldn't it make more sense to call it "Y?"
A rare penny minted by the government 219 years ago recently fetched $1.38 million at auction. What are the chances, you probably wonder, of you finding a penny that will make you $1,380,000? Mathematicians tell us it's 1-in-1 billion, 380 million.
The FAA has issued strict new guidelines to prevent pilot fatigue. Included are limits on the amount of consecutive hours allowed at the controls, more time off between flights and accumulating Mile High points no longer qualifies as a "nap."
Pop culture gadflies The Kardashians have launched their own magazine called "K." I think there are already too many magazines named with a letter. "Gentleman's Quarterly" is now "GQ" -- Oprah's magazine is called "O." If the Kardashians insist on a letter, wouldn't it make more sense to call it "Y?"
A rare penny minted by the government 219 years ago recently fetched $1.38 million at auction. What are the chances, you probably wonder, of you finding a penny that will make you $1,380,000? Mathematicians tell us it's 1-in-1 billion, 380 million.
The FAA has issued strict new guidelines to prevent pilot fatigue. Included are limits on the amount of consecutive hours allowed at the controls, more time off between flights and accumulating Mile High points no longer qualifies as a "nap."
TUESDAY, January 10, 2012
Former Chicago Bull net star and occasional cross-dresser Dennis Rodman is about to take a job coaching a woman's basketball team that plays topless. Actually, he received two job offers -- one from the Jacksonville Jigglers and the one from his new employer, the Houston Hooters.
Carnival's upcoming summer cruise "Tides of Torture" will visit Caribbean islands while passengers attend vampire seminars and watch the top slasher films. As you might expect, the Midnight Buffet will offer an extremely limited
beverage menu -- Type O, Type B and Type B Positive.
Jonathan Duhamel, the world's number one poker champion, told police his home was invaded by a stranger who assaulted him before escaping into the night. Apparently, he got so used to saying "hit me" somebody finally did.
Kim Kardashian is being picketed by Human Rights groups after it became known that her designer clothing company employs Chinese children as seamstresses. And right after she had to return those 377 Singer sewing machines along with the rest of the wedding gifts.
Carnival's upcoming summer cruise "Tides of Torture" will visit Caribbean islands while passengers attend vampire seminars and watch the top slasher films. As you might expect, the Midnight Buffet will offer an extremely limited
beverage menu -- Type O, Type B and Type B Positive.
Jonathan Duhamel, the world's number one poker champion, told police his home was invaded by a stranger who assaulted him before escaping into the night. Apparently, he got so used to saying "hit me" somebody finally did.
Kim Kardashian is being picketed by Human Rights groups after it became known that her designer clothing company employs Chinese children as seamstresses. And right after she had to return those 377 Singer sewing machines along with the rest of the wedding gifts.
MONDAY, January 9, 2012
A German national living with his mother was arrested after fifty-three cars were set on fire in Los Angeles over the New Years weekend. He's been charged with arson, destruction of property and infringement of the copyright on flaming cars owned by the Chevy Volt.
Iran threatened "to blow US ships out of the water" if they interfered with their closing of the Straits of Hormuz. The navy has come up with a unique solution. They've changed the name of the nuclear sub they're sending there from the USS Ronald Reagan to the USS Amadinajad.
Plans are underway to develop a script for a film which will depict Elton John's journey from humble beginnings in the streets of London to a world class entertainer. Biggest winner if the movie is made? Lenscrafters who have landed the eyeglasses contract.
Members of the Chicago Cab Drivers Association have petitioned City Hall for the right to charge riders $75 extra if they leave a messy cab. Is there no end to their greed? They already demand an extra $50 just to store a corpse in the trunk.
Iran threatened "to blow US ships out of the water" if they interfered with their closing of the Straits of Hormuz. The navy has come up with a unique solution. They've changed the name of the nuclear sub they're sending there from the USS Ronald Reagan to the USS Amadinajad.
Plans are underway to develop a script for a film which will depict Elton John's journey from humble beginnings in the streets of London to a world class entertainer. Biggest winner if the movie is made? Lenscrafters who have landed the eyeglasses contract.
Members of the Chicago Cab Drivers Association have petitioned City Hall for the right to charge riders $75 extra if they leave a messy cab. Is there no end to their greed? They already demand an extra $50 just to store a corpse in the trunk.
FRI, SAT, SUN, January 6, 7, 8, 2012
North Korea's new Supreme leader Kim Jung Un has already hired American ad agency Benton & Bowles to polish his international image. He's hoping that the same agency that marketed 7-Up as the "Un-Cola" can come up with a campaign establishing him as the "Un-Dictator."
Remember that experimental DeLorean roadster used in the movie "Back to the Future"? It recently sold at auction for half a million dollars. And it came with an added bonus -- thanks to a small-print provision in his contract, once a month Michael J. Fox comes to your house to wash it.
As you may or may not have noticed, during Lindsay Lohan's recent photo shoot for Playboy, she tried to imitate the poses made famous by Marilyn Monroe. When she announced she was seeking a ball player to stand-in for Joe DiMaggio, twenty-six New York Yankees applied.
Seeking a change of scenery, an adventurous kitty cat in Columbus, Ohio crawled under the hood of an SUV where she completed a 200-mile trip as a stowaway. She was discovered only when the driver, checking his mileage gauge, noticed he was getting only 17 miles to the hair ball.
Remember that experimental DeLorean roadster used in the movie "Back to the Future"? It recently sold at auction for half a million dollars. And it came with an added bonus -- thanks to a small-print provision in his contract, once a month Michael J. Fox comes to your house to wash it.
As you may or may not have noticed, during Lindsay Lohan's recent photo shoot for Playboy, she tried to imitate the poses made famous by Marilyn Monroe. When she announced she was seeking a ball player to stand-in for Joe DiMaggio, twenty-six New York Yankees applied.
Seeking a change of scenery, an adventurous kitty cat in Columbus, Ohio crawled under the hood of an SUV where she completed a 200-mile trip as a stowaway. She was discovered only when the driver, checking his mileage gauge, noticed he was getting only 17 miles to the hair ball.
THURSDAY, January 5
Critics and fans alike are unanimous that Meryl Streep is marvelous as Margaret Thatcher in "Iron Lady." Well, a few have pointed out one little flaw in her portrayal. In a scene shot at Windsor Castle, she gets a little confused between Thatcher and Julia Childs and explains to Queen Elizabeth how to prepare beef and kidney pie.
Space officials in Beijing announced that they intend to send a man to the moon by 2022. In fact, they've already approved a special "space diet" for the "lunarnauts" that includes an energy drink formulated from a recipe that dates back to the Tang Dynasty.
An amorous couple in Galesburg, Illinois decided to pop out for a couple of Big Macs but forgot to put their clothes back on. They hopped into the guy's convertible, tooled up to the drive-thru window, and before the counterman could say "Supersize that?" the guy already had.
Born-again Christian quarterback Tim Tebow drops to one knee as though in prayer following every touchdown. Actually, it as no religious connotations. What he's doing is adjusting his "Lucky Depends" that were given to him by his mentor, Brett Favre, when Tim was a struggling high school QB.
Space officials in Beijing announced that they intend to send a man to the moon by 2022. In fact, they've already approved a special "space diet" for the "lunarnauts" that includes an energy drink formulated from a recipe that dates back to the Tang Dynasty.
An amorous couple in Galesburg, Illinois decided to pop out for a couple of Big Macs but forgot to put their clothes back on. They hopped into the guy's convertible, tooled up to the drive-thru window, and before the counterman could say "Supersize that?" the guy already had.
Born-again Christian quarterback Tim Tebow drops to one knee as though in prayer following every touchdown. Actually, it as no religious connotations. What he's doing is adjusting his "Lucky Depends" that were given to him by his mentor, Brett Favre, when Tim was a struggling high school QB.
WEDNESDAY, January 4, 2012
Lowe's Home Improvement stores canceled their sponsorship of "All-American Muslim" on TLC prompting Muslim groups to protest outside a Lowe's in New Jersey. Turns out it wasn't the cancellation that got the riled up -- it was
Lowe's House & Garden associates using slaughtered goats to demonstrate their barbecue grills.
In his new book "Time to Get Tough," Donald Trump says it's time for the U.S. to take off the gloves and confront Beijing. Don's been miffed at the Chinese ever since he walked into a P. F. Chang's for lunch and the chef took one look
at his hair and thought he was delivering the bird's nest soup.
This year's Super Bowl Halftime will be sponsored by Bridgestone Tires and will feature Madonna in a "Salute to the 1970s." And what an entrance they have planned. She'll jump out of a giant Bridgestone radial wearing her trademark
black mesh hose and a bra with pointed steel cups.
Some dentists are advising their patients to avoid over-indulging lattes because they may contribute to tooth decay. Urologists feel the same way but for a different reason -- too many lattes cause too many visits to the potte.
Lowe's House & Garden associates using slaughtered goats to demonstrate their barbecue grills.
In his new book "Time to Get Tough," Donald Trump says it's time for the U.S. to take off the gloves and confront Beijing. Don's been miffed at the Chinese ever since he walked into a P. F. Chang's for lunch and the chef took one look
at his hair and thought he was delivering the bird's nest soup.
This year's Super Bowl Halftime will be sponsored by Bridgestone Tires and will feature Madonna in a "Salute to the 1970s." And what an entrance they have planned. She'll jump out of a giant Bridgestone radial wearing her trademark
black mesh hose and a bra with pointed steel cups.
Some dentists are advising their patients to avoid over-indulging lattes because they may contribute to tooth decay. Urologists feel the same way but for a different reason -- too many lattes cause too many visits to the potte.
WEDNESDAY, January 4, 2012
Lowe's Home Improvement stores canceled their sponsorship of "All-American Muslim" on TLC prompting Muslim groups to protest outside a Lowe's in New Jersey. Turns out it wasn't the cancellation that got them riled up -- it was
Lowe's House & Garden associates using slaughtered goats to demonstrate their barbecue grills.
In his new book "Time to Get Tough," Donald Trump says it's time for the U.S. to take off the gloves and confront Beijing. Don's been miffed at the Chinese ever since he walked into a P. F. Chang's for lunch and the chef took one look
at his hair and thought he was delivering the bird's nest soup.
This year's Super Bowl Halftime will be sponsored by Bridgestone Tires and will feature Madonna in a "Salute to the 1970s." And what an entrance they have planned. She'll jump out of a giant Bridgestone radial wearing her trademark
black mesh hose and a bra with pointed steel cups.
Some dentists are advising their patients to avoid over-indulging lattes because they may contribute to tooth decay. Urologists feel the same way but for a different reason -- too many lattes cause too many visits to the potte.
Lowe's House & Garden associates using slaughtered goats to demonstrate their barbecue grills.
In his new book "Time to Get Tough," Donald Trump says it's time for the U.S. to take off the gloves and confront Beijing. Don's been miffed at the Chinese ever since he walked into a P. F. Chang's for lunch and the chef took one look
at his hair and thought he was delivering the bird's nest soup.
This year's Super Bowl Halftime will be sponsored by Bridgestone Tires and will feature Madonna in a "Salute to the 1970s." And what an entrance they have planned. She'll jump out of a giant Bridgestone radial wearing her trademark
black mesh hose and a bra with pointed steel cups.
Some dentists are advising their patients to avoid over-indulging lattes because they may contribute to tooth decay. Urologists feel the same way but for a different reason -- too many lattes cause too many visits to the potte.
TUESDAY, January 3, 2012
Police in Bethlehem rushed to the Basilica of the Nativity after receiving reports that rival groups of Orthodox and Armenian clerics were fist fighting. Apparently, both groups wanted to provide the Three Wise Men on Christmas Eve and couldn't agree on who would provide the myrrh.
Ocean-going fans are signing up in droves for next summer's Carnival Cruise "Tides of Torture" which will showcase the top slasher movies of the past 20 years. So far the most popular staterooms are on the "Ghoul Deck" and boast a full shower, a veranda and upper and lower coffins.
The Canadian high court has ordered a popular restaurant in Montreal to cease employing topless waitresses. It's pretty much the same Hooters we're used to here in the states only up there, because of the French connection, it's pronounced "whoo-tairs."
The 16-day marriage of Sinead O'Conner did not go unnoticed by the Irish Parliament. They've proposed a measure requiring that all marriages in the Emerald Isle last at least long enough to allow the best man to return his tux to the rental agency.
Ocean-going fans are signing up in droves for next summer's Carnival Cruise "Tides of Torture" which will showcase the top slasher movies of the past 20 years. So far the most popular staterooms are on the "Ghoul Deck" and boast a full shower, a veranda and upper and lower coffins.
The Canadian high court has ordered a popular restaurant in Montreal to cease employing topless waitresses. It's pretty much the same Hooters we're used to here in the states only up there, because of the French connection, it's pronounced "whoo-tairs."
The 16-day marriage of Sinead O'Conner did not go unnoticed by the Irish Parliament. They've proposed a measure requiring that all marriages in the Emerald Isle last at least long enough to allow the best man to return his tux to the rental agency.
MONDAY, January 2, 2012
What looked like a sure bet for Kim Kardashian to capture the shortest marriage crown for 2011 suddenly evaporated when Sinead O'Conner filed for divorce from her new hubby Barry Herridgein after only 16 days. She came so close, too. Isn't twenty days platinum?
In their divorce settlement, Mel Gibson's ex-wife Robyn Moore got several homes, a fleet of cars and clothing that totaled $400 million. She even got some of Mel's duds -- and to add insult to injury, she mooned him wearing the same kilt he had on when he mooned the enemy in "Braveheart."
According to a survey conducted by Major League Baseball, the average player in 2011 collected $3 million in salary. Which, of course, doesn't include hefty signing bonuses for rookies and Hollywood starlets for veterans.
Bowl games were traditionally named after fruit -- the Orange Bowl, the Peach Bowl, the Citrus Bow but now fast food companies are getting into the act. At the Little Caesar's Pizza Bowl, the fans were constantly reminded of the sponsor. For the coin toss, instead of a coin, they used pepperoni.
In their divorce settlement, Mel Gibson's ex-wife Robyn Moore got several homes, a fleet of cars and clothing that totaled $400 million. She even got some of Mel's duds -- and to add insult to injury, she mooned him wearing the same kilt he had on when he mooned the enemy in "Braveheart."
According to a survey conducted by Major League Baseball, the average player in 2011 collected $3 million in salary. Which, of course, doesn't include hefty signing bonuses for rookies and Hollywood starlets for veterans.
Bowl games were traditionally named after fruit -- the Orange Bowl, the Peach Bowl, the Citrus Bow but now fast food companies are getting into the act. At the Little Caesar's Pizza Bowl, the fans were constantly reminded of the sponsor. For the coin toss, instead of a coin, they used pepperoni.
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THE LAUGH MAKERS: A Leonard Maltin "Top 20" Year End Pick!
DOLORES HOPE MEDLEY
DOLORES HOPE "Silver Bells" (with Bob)
BOB HOPE'S 1983 U.S. COLLEGE CAMPUS TOUR: Your Alma Mater Here?
"Having spent twenty years writing for the indefatigable Bob Hope, and traveling all over the world, Bob Mills is well qualified to salute the famous corps of gag men who kept the comedian knee-deep in jokes. These first-hand recollections summon up the final phase of Hope’s career—and the end of the trail for an entire brand of show business."
http://www.leonardmaltin.com/2009YearEndBookSurvey.htm
http://www.leonardmaltin.com/2009YearEndBookSurvey.htm
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THE LAUGH MAKERS is now on KINDLE! (And Kindle equipped devices)
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WakiLeaks: History Declassified 2000 (Vol. One) is now available on Kindle for $2.99
Compiled from Bob's newsletter "Funnyside Up" published in 2000. This is a yuck and chuckle-filled stroll down memory lane to a time before the Bush administration had inflicted its damage -- a time before the search for WMDs and Osama bin Laden. See what we were laughing at back then, who was in the news and who had yet to enter rehab -- which NFL stars had yet to do time in the Gray Bar Hotel.
http://www.amazon.com/dp/B004IZLXIQ
http://www.amazon.com/dp/B0041D9EPO
And if you're not yet a Kindle owner, when you purchase your new lower-priced Kindle with a capacity of 3500 books, be sure to sign up for our daily blog so you won't miss one issue of the web's most entertaining and insightful comments on the day's events... or a single serialized installment of THE LAUGH MAKERS. Order your Kindle today!
WakiLeaks: History Declassified 2000 (Vol. One) is now available on Kindle for $2.99
Compiled from Bob's newsletter "Funnyside Up" published in 2000. This is a yuck and chuckle-filled stroll down memory lane to a time before the Bush administration had inflicted its damage -- a time before the search for WMDs and Osama bin Laden. See what we were laughing at back then, who was in the news and who had yet to enter rehab -- which NFL stars had yet to do time in the Gray Bar Hotel.
http://www.amazon.com/dp/B004IZLXIQ