The Golden Globe Awards were particularly entertaining this year with host Ricky Gervaise as funny as ever and the wall-to-wall film stars applauded dutifully. Most deserved was the special award for “resisting a primal urge” that went to Angelina Jolie for not adopting an Ethiopian kid during the entire three-hour telecast.
Chinese space scientists have vowed to put a “lunarnaut” on the moon before the end of this decade. Beijing has already approved the official first-step motto: “One small step for Mandarin -- one giant step for P. F. Chang’s.”
Bed, Bath & Beyond had to recall several thousand chromium facial tissue-holders after a routine check found them to be contaminated with atomic radiation. Less than an hour after the news was released, Iran issued an official statement that they had nothing to do with it.
A tea maker in Beijing who discovered that leaves fertilized with excrement of pandas have a unique flavor is planning to market it as the “world’s most expensive tea.” It has one unfortunate side effect, however. Five cups and you get an overwhelming urge to hibernate in a cave near Kowloon.
A Longtime Bob Hope Joke Writer Presents Daily Insightful Topical Satire Of Current Events (Illustrated) Plus Rare Photos From Hollywood's Bygone Era And Excerpts From THE LAUGH MAKERS By Robert L. Mills -- Color Photos From the Book and Rare Classic Vintage Video Clips! Send Your Show Biz Questions to "ASK BOB" at: TheLaughMakers@GMail.com
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MONDAY, January 16, 2012
Donald Trump has applied to New York building authorities for permits necessary to build an 18-hole golf course in the heart of the city. New York City golf is a little different from the game invented in Scotland -- the hazards include sand traps, out-of-bounds, casual water and muggers.
Producers of a biographical film on the life of Elizabeth Taylor are rumored to be seriously considering Lindsay Lohan to play the lead. Nothing confirmed yet, but they’ve already hired a jeweler to design a diamond-studded ankle alarm bracelet that will look like a gift from Richard Burton.
Nike’s hot new basketball shoe the “Air Jordan” is so popular, lucky wearers who found a pair have been mugged for them. Not quite as popular but big on the west coast are Nike’s new “Air Kobes” that wearers report give them an uncontrollable desire to abandon their loyalty to Nike in favor of Converse shoes.
International scholars are all agog over the upcoming meeting between lifelong friends Venuzuela’s Hugo Chavez and Iran’s Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. If their rumored intentions are realized, the United Nations will soon receive a request for membership from “Veranuzuela.”
Producers of a biographical film on the life of Elizabeth Taylor are rumored to be seriously considering Lindsay Lohan to play the lead. Nothing confirmed yet, but they’ve already hired a jeweler to design a diamond-studded ankle alarm bracelet that will look like a gift from Richard Burton.
Nike’s hot new basketball shoe the “Air Jordan” is so popular, lucky wearers who found a pair have been mugged for them. Not quite as popular but big on the west coast are Nike’s new “Air Kobes” that wearers report give them an uncontrollable desire to abandon their loyalty to Nike in favor of Converse shoes.
International scholars are all agog over the upcoming meeting between lifelong friends Venuzuela’s Hugo Chavez and Iran’s Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. If their rumored intentions are realized, the United Nations will soon receive a request for membership from “Veranuzuela.”
FRI, SAT, SUN, January 13, 14, 15, 2012
TV's Kiefer Sutherland has been signed to play his "24" character Jack Bauer in the film version. I can't wait to watch him on the big screen. Just think how much more exciting water boarding will be when the board looks like it's 30-feet long.
Hostess Bakeries, makers of Twinkies as well as other junk foods, has filed a petition in federal court for bankruptcy protection. Sales began to plummet drastically right after the FDA authorized the makers of poisonous substances like cyanide and arsenic to replace the skull and cross-bones on their containers with an outline of a Twinkie.
An exhibition in New York City currently on display features well-known Big Apple landmarks like the Bowery and Herald Square recreated with indigenous tree bark, roots, stems, flowers, leaves and seeds. Or, as Martha Stewart calls them "a salad."
This year makes the 100th birthday of the Girl Scouts of America which was modeled after Great Britain's "Girl Explorers." They even copied their cookie recipe. In fact, that same year, a shipment of them bound from England to the U.S. was thought to have contributed to the sinking of the Titanic.
Hostess Bakeries, makers of Twinkies as well as other junk foods, has filed a petition in federal court for bankruptcy protection. Sales began to plummet drastically right after the FDA authorized the makers of poisonous substances like cyanide and arsenic to replace the skull and cross-bones on their containers with an outline of a Twinkie.
An exhibition in New York City currently on display features well-known Big Apple landmarks like the Bowery and Herald Square recreated with indigenous tree bark, roots, stems, flowers, leaves and seeds. Or, as Martha Stewart calls them "a salad."
This year makes the 100th birthday of the Girl Scouts of America which was modeled after Great Britain's "Girl Explorers." They even copied their cookie recipe. In fact, that same year, a shipment of them bound from England to the U.S. was thought to have contributed to the sinking of the Titanic.
THURSDAY, January 12, 2012
Facing massive losses due to rising fuel prices, Delta Air Lines has reluctantly raised the price of their tickets across-the-board. And they've instituted drastic cutbacks to save money. Now in the event of a sudden drop in cabin pressure, an oxygen mask drops down between the seats with a sign on it that says "Share this."
Beyonce and husband Jay-Z are now the proud parents of a new girl baby they've named "Ive Blue." And I know what you're thinking. Like every other joke writer throughout the land, I somehow resisted the urge to report that she gave birth to a "beyonce baby girl."
A bank robber holding up a London Bank got rattled and inadvertently handed the teller his .38 snub-nose automatic instead of the demand note he had written. Then things got even more confusing. The uniformed guard nearby thought the teller was delivering a premium for opening a new account and gave the robber tips on where to buy cut-rate ammo.
Mattel has announced that they'll soon offer a matched set of Kardashian Sister dolls. Advance word is that they're so lifelike, the Kim doll comes with six Chinese children dolls that make her clothes in a sweatshop doll house.
Beyonce and husband Jay-Z are now the proud parents of a new girl baby they've named "Ive Blue." And I know what you're thinking. Like every other joke writer throughout the land, I somehow resisted the urge to report that she gave birth to a "beyonce baby girl."
A bank robber holding up a London Bank got rattled and inadvertently handed the teller his .38 snub-nose automatic instead of the demand note he had written. Then things got even more confusing. The uniformed guard nearby thought the teller was delivering a premium for opening a new account and gave the robber tips on where to buy cut-rate ammo.
Mattel has announced that they'll soon offer a matched set of Kardashian Sister dolls. Advance word is that they're so lifelike, the Kim doll comes with six Chinese children dolls that make her clothes in a sweatshop doll house.
WEDNESDAY, January 11, 2012
When the clerk at White Castle asks if you'd like to "supersize that," he may be offering to put a head on your brewski. The fast food chain now offers beer and wine so be careful, gals -- from now on when a guy asks you out for a drink, best you ask for specifics.
Pop culture gadflies The Kardashians have launched their own magazine called "K." I think there are already too many magazines named with a letter. "Gentleman's Quarterly" is now "GQ" -- Oprah's magazine is called "O." If the Kardashians insist on a letter, wouldn't it make more sense to call it "Y?"
A rare penny minted by the government 219 years ago recently fetched $1.38 million at auction. What are the chances, you probably wonder, of you finding a penny that will make you $1,380,000? Mathematicians tell us it's 1-in-1 billion, 380 million.
The FAA has issued strict new guidelines to prevent pilot fatigue. Included are limits on the amount of consecutive hours allowed at the controls, more time off between flights and accumulating Mile High points no longer qualifies as a "nap."
Pop culture gadflies The Kardashians have launched their own magazine called "K." I think there are already too many magazines named with a letter. "Gentleman's Quarterly" is now "GQ" -- Oprah's magazine is called "O." If the Kardashians insist on a letter, wouldn't it make more sense to call it "Y?"
A rare penny minted by the government 219 years ago recently fetched $1.38 million at auction. What are the chances, you probably wonder, of you finding a penny that will make you $1,380,000? Mathematicians tell us it's 1-in-1 billion, 380 million.
The FAA has issued strict new guidelines to prevent pilot fatigue. Included are limits on the amount of consecutive hours allowed at the controls, more time off between flights and accumulating Mile High points no longer qualifies as a "nap."
TUESDAY, January 10, 2012
Former Chicago Bull net star and occasional cross-dresser Dennis Rodman is about to take a job coaching a woman's basketball team that plays topless. Actually, he received two job offers -- one from the Jacksonville Jigglers and the one from his new employer, the Houston Hooters.
Carnival's upcoming summer cruise "Tides of Torture" will visit Caribbean islands while passengers attend vampire seminars and watch the top slasher films. As you might expect, the Midnight Buffet will offer an extremely limited
beverage menu -- Type O, Type B and Type B Positive.
Jonathan Duhamel, the world's number one poker champion, told police his home was invaded by a stranger who assaulted him before escaping into the night. Apparently, he got so used to saying "hit me" somebody finally did.
Kim Kardashian is being picketed by Human Rights groups after it became known that her designer clothing company employs Chinese children as seamstresses. And right after she had to return those 377 Singer sewing machines along with the rest of the wedding gifts.
Carnival's upcoming summer cruise "Tides of Torture" will visit Caribbean islands while passengers attend vampire seminars and watch the top slasher films. As you might expect, the Midnight Buffet will offer an extremely limited
beverage menu -- Type O, Type B and Type B Positive.
Jonathan Duhamel, the world's number one poker champion, told police his home was invaded by a stranger who assaulted him before escaping into the night. Apparently, he got so used to saying "hit me" somebody finally did.
Kim Kardashian is being picketed by Human Rights groups after it became known that her designer clothing company employs Chinese children as seamstresses. And right after she had to return those 377 Singer sewing machines along with the rest of the wedding gifts.
MONDAY, January 9, 2012
A German national living with his mother was arrested after fifty-three cars were set on fire in Los Angeles over the New Years weekend. He's been charged with arson, destruction of property and infringement of the copyright on flaming cars owned by the Chevy Volt.
Iran threatened "to blow US ships out of the water" if they interfered with their closing of the Straits of Hormuz. The navy has come up with a unique solution. They've changed the name of the nuclear sub they're sending there from the USS Ronald Reagan to the USS Amadinajad.
Plans are underway to develop a script for a film which will depict Elton John's journey from humble beginnings in the streets of London to a world class entertainer. Biggest winner if the movie is made? Lenscrafters who have landed the eyeglasses contract.
Members of the Chicago Cab Drivers Association have petitioned City Hall for the right to charge riders $75 extra if they leave a messy cab. Is there no end to their greed? They already demand an extra $50 just to store a corpse in the trunk.
Iran threatened "to blow US ships out of the water" if they interfered with their closing of the Straits of Hormuz. The navy has come up with a unique solution. They've changed the name of the nuclear sub they're sending there from the USS Ronald Reagan to the USS Amadinajad.
Plans are underway to develop a script for a film which will depict Elton John's journey from humble beginnings in the streets of London to a world class entertainer. Biggest winner if the movie is made? Lenscrafters who have landed the eyeglasses contract.
Members of the Chicago Cab Drivers Association have petitioned City Hall for the right to charge riders $75 extra if they leave a messy cab. Is there no end to their greed? They already demand an extra $50 just to store a corpse in the trunk.
FRI, SAT, SUN, January 6, 7, 8, 2012
North Korea's new Supreme leader Kim Jung Un has already hired American ad agency Benton & Bowles to polish his international image. He's hoping that the same agency that marketed 7-Up as the "Un-Cola" can come up with a campaign establishing him as the "Un-Dictator."
Remember that experimental DeLorean roadster used in the movie "Back to the Future"? It recently sold at auction for half a million dollars. And it came with an added bonus -- thanks to a small-print provision in his contract, once a month Michael J. Fox comes to your house to wash it.
As you may or may not have noticed, during Lindsay Lohan's recent photo shoot for Playboy, she tried to imitate the poses made famous by Marilyn Monroe. When she announced she was seeking a ball player to stand-in for Joe DiMaggio, twenty-six New York Yankees applied.
Seeking a change of scenery, an adventurous kitty cat in Columbus, Ohio crawled under the hood of an SUV where she completed a 200-mile trip as a stowaway. She was discovered only when the driver, checking his mileage gauge, noticed he was getting only 17 miles to the hair ball.
Remember that experimental DeLorean roadster used in the movie "Back to the Future"? It recently sold at auction for half a million dollars. And it came with an added bonus -- thanks to a small-print provision in his contract, once a month Michael J. Fox comes to your house to wash it.
As you may or may not have noticed, during Lindsay Lohan's recent photo shoot for Playboy, she tried to imitate the poses made famous by Marilyn Monroe. When she announced she was seeking a ball player to stand-in for Joe DiMaggio, twenty-six New York Yankees applied.
Seeking a change of scenery, an adventurous kitty cat in Columbus, Ohio crawled under the hood of an SUV where she completed a 200-mile trip as a stowaway. She was discovered only when the driver, checking his mileage gauge, noticed he was getting only 17 miles to the hair ball.
THURSDAY, January 5
Critics and fans alike are unanimous that Meryl Streep is marvelous as Margaret Thatcher in "Iron Lady." Well, a few have pointed out one little flaw in her portrayal. In a scene shot at Windsor Castle, she gets a little confused between Thatcher and Julia Childs and explains to Queen Elizabeth how to prepare beef and kidney pie.
Space officials in Beijing announced that they intend to send a man to the moon by 2022. In fact, they've already approved a special "space diet" for the "lunarnauts" that includes an energy drink formulated from a recipe that dates back to the Tang Dynasty.
An amorous couple in Galesburg, Illinois decided to pop out for a couple of Big Macs but forgot to put their clothes back on. They hopped into the guy's convertible, tooled up to the drive-thru window, and before the counterman could say "Supersize that?" the guy already had.
Born-again Christian quarterback Tim Tebow drops to one knee as though in prayer following every touchdown. Actually, it as no religious connotations. What he's doing is adjusting his "Lucky Depends" that were given to him by his mentor, Brett Favre, when Tim was a struggling high school QB.
Space officials in Beijing announced that they intend to send a man to the moon by 2022. In fact, they've already approved a special "space diet" for the "lunarnauts" that includes an energy drink formulated from a recipe that dates back to the Tang Dynasty.
An amorous couple in Galesburg, Illinois decided to pop out for a couple of Big Macs but forgot to put their clothes back on. They hopped into the guy's convertible, tooled up to the drive-thru window, and before the counterman could say "Supersize that?" the guy already had.
Born-again Christian quarterback Tim Tebow drops to one knee as though in prayer following every touchdown. Actually, it as no religious connotations. What he's doing is adjusting his "Lucky Depends" that were given to him by his mentor, Brett Favre, when Tim was a struggling high school QB.
WEDNESDAY, January 4, 2012
Lowe's Home Improvement stores canceled their sponsorship of "All-American Muslim" on TLC prompting Muslim groups to protest outside a Lowe's in New Jersey. Turns out it wasn't the cancellation that got the riled up -- it was
Lowe's House & Garden associates using slaughtered goats to demonstrate their barbecue grills.
In his new book "Time to Get Tough," Donald Trump says it's time for the U.S. to take off the gloves and confront Beijing. Don's been miffed at the Chinese ever since he walked into a P. F. Chang's for lunch and the chef took one look
at his hair and thought he was delivering the bird's nest soup.
This year's Super Bowl Halftime will be sponsored by Bridgestone Tires and will feature Madonna in a "Salute to the 1970s." And what an entrance they have planned. She'll jump out of a giant Bridgestone radial wearing her trademark
black mesh hose and a bra with pointed steel cups.
Some dentists are advising their patients to avoid over-indulging lattes because they may contribute to tooth decay. Urologists feel the same way but for a different reason -- too many lattes cause too many visits to the potte.
Lowe's House & Garden associates using slaughtered goats to demonstrate their barbecue grills.
In his new book "Time to Get Tough," Donald Trump says it's time for the U.S. to take off the gloves and confront Beijing. Don's been miffed at the Chinese ever since he walked into a P. F. Chang's for lunch and the chef took one look
at his hair and thought he was delivering the bird's nest soup.
This year's Super Bowl Halftime will be sponsored by Bridgestone Tires and will feature Madonna in a "Salute to the 1970s." And what an entrance they have planned. She'll jump out of a giant Bridgestone radial wearing her trademark
black mesh hose and a bra with pointed steel cups.
Some dentists are advising their patients to avoid over-indulging lattes because they may contribute to tooth decay. Urologists feel the same way but for a different reason -- too many lattes cause too many visits to the potte.
WEDNESDAY, January 4, 2012
Lowe's Home Improvement stores canceled their sponsorship of "All-American Muslim" on TLC prompting Muslim groups to protest outside a Lowe's in New Jersey. Turns out it wasn't the cancellation that got them riled up -- it was
Lowe's House & Garden associates using slaughtered goats to demonstrate their barbecue grills.
In his new book "Time to Get Tough," Donald Trump says it's time for the U.S. to take off the gloves and confront Beijing. Don's been miffed at the Chinese ever since he walked into a P. F. Chang's for lunch and the chef took one look
at his hair and thought he was delivering the bird's nest soup.
This year's Super Bowl Halftime will be sponsored by Bridgestone Tires and will feature Madonna in a "Salute to the 1970s." And what an entrance they have planned. She'll jump out of a giant Bridgestone radial wearing her trademark
black mesh hose and a bra with pointed steel cups.
Some dentists are advising their patients to avoid over-indulging lattes because they may contribute to tooth decay. Urologists feel the same way but for a different reason -- too many lattes cause too many visits to the potte.
Lowe's House & Garden associates using slaughtered goats to demonstrate their barbecue grills.
In his new book "Time to Get Tough," Donald Trump says it's time for the U.S. to take off the gloves and confront Beijing. Don's been miffed at the Chinese ever since he walked into a P. F. Chang's for lunch and the chef took one look
at his hair and thought he was delivering the bird's nest soup.
This year's Super Bowl Halftime will be sponsored by Bridgestone Tires and will feature Madonna in a "Salute to the 1970s." And what an entrance they have planned. She'll jump out of a giant Bridgestone radial wearing her trademark
black mesh hose and a bra with pointed steel cups.
Some dentists are advising their patients to avoid over-indulging lattes because they may contribute to tooth decay. Urologists feel the same way but for a different reason -- too many lattes cause too many visits to the potte.
TUESDAY, January 3, 2012
Police in Bethlehem rushed to the Basilica of the Nativity after receiving reports that rival groups of Orthodox and Armenian clerics were fist fighting. Apparently, both groups wanted to provide the Three Wise Men on Christmas Eve and couldn't agree on who would provide the myrrh.
Ocean-going fans are signing up in droves for next summer's Carnival Cruise "Tides of Torture" which will showcase the top slasher movies of the past 20 years. So far the most popular staterooms are on the "Ghoul Deck" and boast a full shower, a veranda and upper and lower coffins.
The Canadian high court has ordered a popular restaurant in Montreal to cease employing topless waitresses. It's pretty much the same Hooters we're used to here in the states only up there, because of the French connection, it's pronounced "whoo-tairs."
The 16-day marriage of Sinead O'Conner did not go unnoticed by the Irish Parliament. They've proposed a measure requiring that all marriages in the Emerald Isle last at least long enough to allow the best man to return his tux to the rental agency.
Ocean-going fans are signing up in droves for next summer's Carnival Cruise "Tides of Torture" which will showcase the top slasher movies of the past 20 years. So far the most popular staterooms are on the "Ghoul Deck" and boast a full shower, a veranda and upper and lower coffins.
The Canadian high court has ordered a popular restaurant in Montreal to cease employing topless waitresses. It's pretty much the same Hooters we're used to here in the states only up there, because of the French connection, it's pronounced "whoo-tairs."
The 16-day marriage of Sinead O'Conner did not go unnoticed by the Irish Parliament. They've proposed a measure requiring that all marriages in the Emerald Isle last at least long enough to allow the best man to return his tux to the rental agency.
MONDAY, January 2, 2012
What looked like a sure bet for Kim Kardashian to capture the shortest marriage crown for 2011 suddenly evaporated when Sinead O'Conner filed for divorce from her new hubby Barry Herridgein after only 16 days. She came so close, too. Isn't twenty days platinum?
In their divorce settlement, Mel Gibson's ex-wife Robyn Moore got several homes, a fleet of cars and clothing that totaled $400 million. She even got some of Mel's duds -- and to add insult to injury, she mooned him wearing the same kilt he had on when he mooned the enemy in "Braveheart."
According to a survey conducted by Major League Baseball, the average player in 2011 collected $3 million in salary. Which, of course, doesn't include hefty signing bonuses for rookies and Hollywood starlets for veterans.
Bowl games were traditionally named after fruit -- the Orange Bowl, the Peach Bowl, the Citrus Bow but now fast food companies are getting into the act. At the Little Caesar's Pizza Bowl, the fans were constantly reminded of the sponsor. For the coin toss, instead of a coin, they used pepperoni.
In their divorce settlement, Mel Gibson's ex-wife Robyn Moore got several homes, a fleet of cars and clothing that totaled $400 million. She even got some of Mel's duds -- and to add insult to injury, she mooned him wearing the same kilt he had on when he mooned the enemy in "Braveheart."
According to a survey conducted by Major League Baseball, the average player in 2011 collected $3 million in salary. Which, of course, doesn't include hefty signing bonuses for rookies and Hollywood starlets for veterans.
Bowl games were traditionally named after fruit -- the Orange Bowl, the Peach Bowl, the Citrus Bow but now fast food companies are getting into the act. At the Little Caesar's Pizza Bowl, the fans were constantly reminded of the sponsor. For the coin toss, instead of a coin, they used pepperoni.
FRI, SAT, SUN, December 30, 31, 1
Elizabeth Taylor's entire jewelry collection was auctioned at Christie's for $140 million. So close and yet so far. Just one more marriage to Richard Burton would have nudged her over the $150 million mark.
The National Transportation Safety Board is urging states to ban all drivers from using any electronic devices while behind the wheel. Are they kidding? Like long-haul truckers would go along with a ban like that. "Ten-four, Rubber Duckie!"
The NFL signed a TV deal with Fox, CBS, NBC and ESPN that pays the league $28 billion. That's a record. The largest sum ever paid by Americans to a group of businessmen, not one of whom is Chinese.
Facebook has relocated to a new headquarters in Menlo Park, California. Unique building, though -- no rooms, just walls.
The National Transportation Safety Board is urging states to ban all drivers from using any electronic devices while behind the wheel. Are they kidding? Like long-haul truckers would go along with a ban like that. "Ten-four, Rubber Duckie!"
The NFL signed a TV deal with Fox, CBS, NBC and ESPN that pays the league $28 billion. That's a record. The largest sum ever paid by Americans to a group of businessmen, not one of whom is Chinese.
Facebook has relocated to a new headquarters in Menlo Park, California. Unique building, though -- no rooms, just walls.
THURSDAY, December 29, 2011
New York police issued an Amber Alert when a nine-year old Tennessee girl flying by herself failed to arrive at JFK. Turns out Continental had rerouted her plane without notifying the girl's
grandparents. In Continental's defense, they did keep her in a safe place during the unscheduled
flight -- it was in he overhead bin, but still. . .
White Castle claims they're the first fast food emporium to offer beer and wine. Actually,
McDonald's tried it some years ago, but customers refused the test required before being
allowed to drive out of the parking lot -- blowing into a balloon that came with the Happy
Meal.
The Chilean newspaper La Tercera was ordered by a court to pay damages to readers who were
injured when a recipe they had read in the paper exploded. This probably spells curtains for the
popular personal advice column "Ask the Unabomber."
In a first for the NFL, owners have approved the sale of the Jacksonville Jaguars to Pakistani
businessman Shahid Khan. Team stats should improve dramatically. If the players don't shape up immediately, Shahid has instructed the coach to stone them.
grandparents. In Continental's defense, they did keep her in a safe place during the unscheduled
flight -- it was in he overhead bin, but still. . .
White Castle claims they're the first fast food emporium to offer beer and wine. Actually,
McDonald's tried it some years ago, but customers refused the test required before being
allowed to drive out of the parking lot -- blowing into a balloon that came with the Happy
Meal.
The Chilean newspaper La Tercera was ordered by a court to pay damages to readers who were
injured when a recipe they had read in the paper exploded. This probably spells curtains for the
popular personal advice column "Ask the Unabomber."
In a first for the NFL, owners have approved the sale of the Jacksonville Jaguars to Pakistani
businessman Shahid Khan. Team stats should improve dramatically. If the players don't shape up immediately, Shahid has instructed the coach to stone them.
WEDNESDAY, December 28, 2011
If you thought the Tiger Woods divorce was a professional athlete's worst nightmare, prepare for the Kobe Bryant prenup-a-thon. With the cars, the houses and the country club memberships already on Vanessa's score card, Kobe's attorneys have advised him to get too attached to his tattoos.
The once proud and indomitable Chicago Bears were eliminated from the playoffs at the hands of the Green Bay Packers, 35-21. For some brighter numbers, former Bear wide receiver Sam Hurd may have his federal drug dealing penalties reduced from life to 75 years.
Anxious to preserve their dwindling core of loyal customers, America's major retail chains now have the most forgiving return policies in history. For example in one store, a shoplifter gets his choice of a new item or one returned by another shoplifter and refurbished.
Los Angeles School District Police are investigating a rash of burglaries in which only tubas were taken from high school music department storage lockers. The cops set up a giant sting operation focusing on German beer parlors and Bowl games.
The once proud and indomitable Chicago Bears were eliminated from the playoffs at the hands of the Green Bay Packers, 35-21. For some brighter numbers, former Bear wide receiver Sam Hurd may have his federal drug dealing penalties reduced from life to 75 years.
Anxious to preserve their dwindling core of loyal customers, America's major retail chains now have the most forgiving return policies in history. For example in one store, a shoplifter gets his choice of a new item or one returned by another shoplifter and refurbished.
Los Angeles School District Police are investigating a rash of burglaries in which only tubas were taken from high school music department storage lockers. The cops set up a giant sting operation focusing on German beer parlors and Bowl games.
TUESDAY, December 27, 2011
Evidence is emerging that North Korean President Kim Jung Il may have been assassinated by the Army or by his son, Kim Jong, Jr.. Even worse, CIA photo analysts say the body shown lying in state may actually have been that of Marty Allen.
Big year for film pooches. In "Young Adult," Charlese Theron travels with her Pomeranian, the gendarme in "Hugo" patrols with a vicious Great Dane, and the leading man in "The Artist" is followed around by a Charles Russell terrier. All are up for this year's Irving Thalberg "Kibbles 'N' Bits Award" at the Oscars.
A predator drone like the one flown over Iran was used to expose ranchers stealing cattle in North Dakota. That's the good news. The bad news is the drone was later shot down by agents of the National Cattle Rustlers Association and now officials fear they'll reverse engineer it.
New York Yankees diamond wizard Derek Jeter reportedly pays bimbos he's picked up for one-night-stands with a pre-autographed baseball. Although, he claims it doesn't work very well on road trips. The balls usually roll off the dresser and wake them up.
Big year for film pooches. In "Young Adult," Charlese Theron travels with her Pomeranian, the gendarme in "Hugo" patrols with a vicious Great Dane, and the leading man in "The Artist" is followed around by a Charles Russell terrier. All are up for this year's Irving Thalberg "Kibbles 'N' Bits Award" at the Oscars.
A predator drone like the one flown over Iran was used to expose ranchers stealing cattle in North Dakota. That's the good news. The bad news is the drone was later shot down by agents of the National Cattle Rustlers Association and now officials fear they'll reverse engineer it.
New York Yankees diamond wizard Derek Jeter reportedly pays bimbos he's picked up for one-night-stands with a pre-autographed baseball. Although, he claims it doesn't work very well on road trips. The balls usually roll off the dresser and wake them up.
MONDAY, December 26, 2011
Carnival Cruise Lines is taking reservations for its April "Tides of Torture" cruise of the Caribbean that will feature all of the hit slasher movies of the past two decades. It will be the maiden voyage of their new 3,000-passenger luxury cruise liner the SS Freddie Krueger.
When Customs officials in Mexico City noticed a "tourist" who matched a photo on an international watch list, they refused to allow Moammar Kadaffi's son to enter the country. Just as well. If he thinks the Lybian people sought their revenge on dad, wait until he gets a taste of Montezuma's.
Researchers in Israel have developed a molecular "car" that can be inserted into the body to diagnose illness. Some problems while testing it, though. A doctor driving it through a patient's colon was texting and accidentally veered off into the patient's spleen.
Whoopie Goldberg is denying rumors that she passed wind while in the midst of interviewing a guest on "The View." In Whoopie's defense, the National Weather Service denied that their instruments detected any more wind coming from the studio than usual.
When Customs officials in Mexico City noticed a "tourist" who matched a photo on an international watch list, they refused to allow Moammar Kadaffi's son to enter the country. Just as well. If he thinks the Lybian people sought their revenge on dad, wait until he gets a taste of Montezuma's.
Researchers in Israel have developed a molecular "car" that can be inserted into the body to diagnose illness. Some problems while testing it, though. A doctor driving it through a patient's colon was texting and accidentally veered off into the patient's spleen.
Whoopie Goldberg is denying rumors that she passed wind while in the midst of interviewing a guest on "The View." In Whoopie's defense, the National Weather Service denied that their instruments detected any more wind coming from the studio than usual.
FRI, SAT, SUN, December 23, 24, 25, 2011
For the first time in Sunday Night Football history, a game at San Francisco's Candlestick Park was delayed when the lights went out. Niners management learned a good lesson. You can leave your heart in San Francisco and nothing happens, but forget to pay your electric bill and. . .
Items of Hollywood memorabilia was sold including props and set decorations from "The Wizard of Oz." Dorothy's famous ruby slippers went unsold, though. Actually, the auction was canceled when the auctioneer found a Munchkin curled up napping in the left one.
Fans are anxiously awaiting the start of the Beach Boys' "50th Anniversary Tour," scheduled for next summer. Should bring back memories. In the promotional video, several of the Boys are actually seen riding the waves -- using walkers balanced between two surfboards.
You can now purchase for only $250 a share of the Green Bay Packers that accrues no dividends and may not be sold or traded. There's absolutely no profit in owning any. It's like owning, say, a share in the company that makes "Jerry Sandusky Bath & Shower Fixtures."
Items of Hollywood memorabilia was sold including props and set decorations from "The Wizard of Oz." Dorothy's famous ruby slippers went unsold, though. Actually, the auction was canceled when the auctioneer found a Munchkin curled up napping in the left one.
Fans are anxiously awaiting the start of the Beach Boys' "50th Anniversary Tour," scheduled for next summer. Should bring back memories. In the promotional video, several of the Boys are actually seen riding the waves -- using walkers balanced between two surfboards.
You can now purchase for only $250 a share of the Green Bay Packers that accrues no dividends and may not be sold or traded. There's absolutely no profit in owning any. It's like owning, say, a share in the company that makes "Jerry Sandusky Bath & Shower Fixtures."
THURSDAY, December 22, 2011
Long feared as a crazed madman with his finger on the nuclear button, North Korean dictator Kim Jong-Il has died at age 69. Despite his ruthless reputation, he did possess a unique sense of humor. For instance, he pre-ordered his headstone to read: "I told you I was Il."
Newt Gingrich says that if he becomes president, he'll have Supreme Court Justices arrested if they make decisions that threaten American values. Is he kidding? Only one man in history could do that -- J. Edgar Hoover. Hasn't Newt seen the picture?
Exceeding all pre-publication expectations, Playboy Magazine's December issue featuring nude photos of Lindsay Lohan is breaking circulation records. Lindsay is said to be so proud of her layout, so far she's shoplifted forty copies.
Rolls-Royce Motors in London is now selling a gold-plated model with a sticker price of $1.5 million. The first American owner lives in Los Angeles and received it as a gift from her husband. Chances are that Mrs. Bryant will get to keep it in the divorce settlement.
Newt Gingrich says that if he becomes president, he'll have Supreme Court Justices arrested if they make decisions that threaten American values. Is he kidding? Only one man in history could do that -- J. Edgar Hoover. Hasn't Newt seen the picture?
Exceeding all pre-publication expectations, Playboy Magazine's December issue featuring nude photos of Lindsay Lohan is breaking circulation records. Lindsay is said to be so proud of her layout, so far she's shoplifted forty copies.
Rolls-Royce Motors in London is now selling a gold-plated model with a sticker price of $1.5 million. The first American owner lives in Los Angeles and received it as a gift from her husband. Chances are that Mrs. Bryant will get to keep it in the divorce settlement.
WEDNESDAY, December 21, 2011
According to leading audiologists, the 20% of the American public suffering from hearing loss all share similar causes: too many rock concerts, a job near heavy machinery or being at that Padres game when Roseanne Barr sang the National Anthem.
A well-known lingerie manufacturer in Colombia staged what is believed to be the first fashion show in a passenger jet cruising at 13,000 feet. Making it the first fashion show where the air was thinner than the models.
Warren Buffett shocked everyone in publishing by actually paying $200 million for the floundering Omaha World Herald. Warren's eyes aren't what they used to be. Turns out he misread the contract and thought he was buying Obama an endorsement from the World Heritage Foundation.
In Salt Lake City, a flock of migrating birds suddenly veered off course and dove head first into a nearby parking lot of a Wal Mart. While at a loss to explain the strange behavior, several leading ornithologists theorize that they may have been looking for some engines on a jet flown by Sully
Sullenberger to fly into.
A well-known lingerie manufacturer in Colombia staged what is believed to be the first fashion show in a passenger jet cruising at 13,000 feet. Making it the first fashion show where the air was thinner than the models.
Warren Buffett shocked everyone in publishing by actually paying $200 million for the floundering Omaha World Herald. Warren's eyes aren't what they used to be. Turns out he misread the contract and thought he was buying Obama an endorsement from the World Heritage Foundation.
In Salt Lake City, a flock of migrating birds suddenly veered off course and dove head first into a nearby parking lot of a Wal Mart. While at a loss to explain the strange behavior, several leading ornithologists theorize that they may have been looking for some engines on a jet flown by Sully
Sullenberger to fly into.
TUESDAY, December 20, 2011
Vanessa Bryant, wife of super-Laker Kobe who stood by him during admissions of on-the-road adulterous dalliances, has filed for divorce. She's charging the net star with irreconcilable differences -- of what constitutes a suitably-carited apology diamond.
Chicago Bears wide receiver Sam Hurd is charged with attempting to buy ten kilos of cocaine and 1000 pounds of marijuana to supply his drug distribution ring. On a more positive note, he's taking a class in Political Science from his cell-mate, former Illinois governor Rod Blagojevich.
A Chicago disrobing emporium is offering free lap dances to men who agree to donate an unwrapped Christmas toy to homeless children. Actually, they can donate wrapped toys but the girls keep unwrapping them out of habit.
The Animal Rescue Center of Milwaukee is generating national publicity for its annual fund drive by displaying a kitten that was born there with 26 toes. Only six weeks old and already the kitty is a world record holder -- she can shred an entire leather couch in 6.8 seconds.
Chicago Bears wide receiver Sam Hurd is charged with attempting to buy ten kilos of cocaine and 1000 pounds of marijuana to supply his drug distribution ring. On a more positive note, he's taking a class in Political Science from his cell-mate, former Illinois governor Rod Blagojevich.
A Chicago disrobing emporium is offering free lap dances to men who agree to donate an unwrapped Christmas toy to homeless children. Actually, they can donate wrapped toys but the girls keep unwrapping them out of habit.
The Animal Rescue Center of Milwaukee is generating national publicity for its annual fund drive by displaying a kitten that was born there with 26 toes. Only six weeks old and already the kitty is a world record holder -- she can shred an entire leather couch in 6.8 seconds.
MONDAY, December 19, 2011
GM is offering to buy back Chevy Volts after several models of the revolutionary electric automobile suddenly burst into flames. Ever alert to turn lemons into lemonade, the automaker also offers a free kit that converts the car into a very serviceable outdoor grill.
Eager to present the best of the British experience, Olympics officials have appointed Princes William and Harry as "goodwill ambassadors." They'll recommend the best London restaurants, theaters, tours and, for the Russian women athletes, the most popular shaving parlors.
Australian Customs authorities placed Kim Kardashian on an immigration "watch list" after she was found conducting business without proper permits. Seems she was promoting her line of designer clothing while trying to interest Crockodile Dundee in a three-month marriage.Much secrecy surrounded the recent visit to Colombia by Charlie Sheen, reported to be scouting locations for his next picture. According to inside sources, the film will depict the life of a successful cocaine kingpin and is tentatively titled "Two and a Half Nostrils."
FRI, SAT, SUN, December 16, 17, 18, 2011
Diamonds, rubies and emeralds in the estate of Elizabeth Taylor sold at auction for a record $115 million. Oft-married Liz was an accomplished actress... a successful philanthropist... and a role model for Kobe Bryant's wife.
Time Magazine announced their Person of the Year for 2011 is "The Protester." The Occupy Wallstreeters barely edged out Newt Gingrich, but Time's editors have shied away from power-crazed megalomaniacs since 1939 when they drew so much flack for naming Adolph Hitler.
In the biggest sports-politics story since former quarterback Gerald Ford ran for the House, Craig James, an analyst at ESPN, announced he'll seek a U.S. Senate seat. When asked his party affiliation, he told reporters he'll be running as a "Free Agent."
Both TLC and A&E have passed on a pitch for a reality show based on Todd Palin's career as a snowmobile race driver. Still on the Family Channel's drawing board however, is a sitcom focused on the home life of the famous couple tentatively titled "Fluke & Flake."
Time Magazine announced their Person of the Year for 2011 is "The Protester." The Occupy Wallstreeters barely edged out Newt Gingrich, but Time's editors have shied away from power-crazed megalomaniacs since 1939 when they drew so much flack for naming Adolph Hitler.
In the biggest sports-politics story since former quarterback Gerald Ford ran for the House, Craig James, an analyst at ESPN, announced he'll seek a U.S. Senate seat. When asked his party affiliation, he told reporters he'll be running as a "Free Agent."
Both TLC and A&E have passed on a pitch for a reality show based on Todd Palin's career as a snowmobile race driver. Still on the Family Channel's drawing board however, is a sitcom focused on the home life of the famous couple tentatively titled "Fluke & Flake."
THURSDAY, December 15, 2011
Alec Baldwin got into a Class A scuffle with an American Airlines hostess over his refusal to hang up his cell phone. Fans and supporters alike were shocked. They have one question. He's Alec Baldwin, for Pete's sake. Why doesn't he charter a Learjet and talk on his cell all he wants?
A female Wal Mart customer in Tulsa was caught mixing a batch of crystal meth in the store's Housewares Department. The store's Santa wandered by, thought it was holiday eggnog, and had to be plucked off the roof by a police helicopter.
A man hunting ducks near Salt Lake City was shot by his golden retriever who stepped on his shotgun. Officials at Winchester Arms, speaking through their attorney, continue to insist that their "Dick Cheney Model 300" has a pet-proof safety.
Dick Cheney says that the Pentagon should have destroyed that U.S. surveillance drone brought down in Iran. He claims he would have handled the situation differently. Maybe, but how easy would it be to convince Amadinajhad to go hunting with him?
A female Wal Mart customer in Tulsa was caught mixing a batch of crystal meth in the store's Housewares Department. The store's Santa wandered by, thought it was holiday eggnog, and had to be plucked off the roof by a police helicopter.
A man hunting ducks near Salt Lake City was shot by his golden retriever who stepped on his shotgun. Officials at Winchester Arms, speaking through their attorney, continue to insist that their "Dick Cheney Model 300" has a pet-proof safety.
Dick Cheney says that the Pentagon should have destroyed that U.S. surveillance drone brought down in Iran. He claims he would have handled the situation differently. Maybe, but how easy would it be to convince Amadinajhad to go hunting with him?
WEDNESDAY, December 14, 2011
According to the watchdog organization the Committee to Protect Journalists, more newsmen are incarcerated worldwide than ever. On the plus side, the inmate-produced newspaper in Colombia's maximum security prison "La Graybar Hacienda" is up for two Pulitzer prizes and a Peabody.
When the press reported that Lindsay Lohan had her purse stolen with $10,000 in it, some people were shocked that any woman would walk around with that much in her purse. But in Lindsay's defense, do you have any idea how much "Murray's Ankle Bracelet Deactivation of Encino" charges?
George Giuliani, Long Island University professor, has written a book condemning "Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer" as a story that glorifies bullying by the other reindeer. He plans several sequels including "The NRA Says 'Die, Bambi, Die!'" and "The Mad Hatter Promotes Drug Addiction."
Viing for the annual Grinch Who Stole Christmas Prize, a family in Miami snuck onto a neighbor's roof and stole a Santa lighting display complete with sleigh and reindeer. The police had no trouble locating the thieves. They forgot to unplug them.
When the press reported that Lindsay Lohan had her purse stolen with $10,000 in it, some people were shocked that any woman would walk around with that much in her purse. But in Lindsay's defense, do you have any idea how much "Murray's Ankle Bracelet Deactivation of Encino" charges?
George Giuliani, Long Island University professor, has written a book condemning "Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer" as a story that glorifies bullying by the other reindeer. He plans several sequels including "The NRA Says 'Die, Bambi, Die!'" and "The Mad Hatter Promotes Drug Addiction."
Viing for the annual Grinch Who Stole Christmas Prize, a family in Miami snuck onto a neighbor's roof and stole a Santa lighting display complete with sleigh and reindeer. The police had no trouble locating the thieves. They forgot to unplug them.
TUESDAY, December 13, 2011
GOP presidential hopeful Governor Rick Perry continues to show signs that he may not be the brightest bulb on the string. During a stump speech he referred to the "eight members of the Supreme Court." Then, attempting to name them, he stumbled when he got to Justices Donner and Blitzen.
As violent demonstrations raged in sixty cities of the former Soviet Union, there are signs that Prime Minister Vladimir Putin, long criticized for his harsh treatment of dissidents, may be treating them more humanely. He still water boards them but now he use Perrier and Avian.
Faced with a dwindling astronaut corps due to natural attrition and a rash of retirements, NASA has been interviewing potential replacements. Several applicants survived the psychological and mental testing but were rejected when the physical revealed that they were Tang intolerant.
The Los Angeles Angels have signed diamond wizard Albert Pujols to a record-breaking $250 million contract. Which makes Albert the highest paid Angel since God inked Gabriel to that 2500 year gig.
As violent demonstrations raged in sixty cities of the former Soviet Union, there are signs that Prime Minister Vladimir Putin, long criticized for his harsh treatment of dissidents, may be treating them more humanely. He still water boards them but now he use Perrier and Avian.
Faced with a dwindling astronaut corps due to natural attrition and a rash of retirements, NASA has been interviewing potential replacements. Several applicants survived the psychological and mental testing but were rejected when the physical revealed that they were Tang intolerant.
The Los Angeles Angels have signed diamond wizard Albert Pujols to a record-breaking $250 million contract. Which makes Albert the highest paid Angel since God inked Gabriel to that 2500 year gig.
MONDAY, December 12, 2011
A family in Columbus, Ohio returned home to find their Christmas tree had been completely decorated and stockings hung my the chimney. Police are confidant they'll catch the intruder. Luckily, a neighbor was able to jot down the license number of his getaway sleigh.
In Tokyo, auto giant Toyota has unveiled a street-legal vehicle that's best described as a cross between a Laz-E-Boy adjustable recliner and a motorcycle. Intended primarily for the elderly, it can be kick-started with a cane.
Charlie Sheen has been signed to star in a movie to be filmed in Colombia. He's already traveled to Bogota to scout locations and while there he did some Christmas shopping. He was spotted by local reporters buying wreaths, mistletoe and nose-candy canes.
Recent studies have confirmed what scientists had suspected for years -- that excessive use of laptop computers causes infertility in men. Just in time for last-minute Christmas shoppers, master-marketer Toshiba debuted their new 17-inch screen, "Trojan 500."
In Tokyo, auto giant Toyota has unveiled a street-legal vehicle that's best described as a cross between a Laz-E-Boy adjustable recliner and a motorcycle. Intended primarily for the elderly, it can be kick-started with a cane.
Charlie Sheen has been signed to star in a movie to be filmed in Colombia. He's already traveled to Bogota to scout locations and while there he did some Christmas shopping. He was spotted by local reporters buying wreaths, mistletoe and nose-candy canes.
Recent studies have confirmed what scientists had suspected for years -- that excessive use of laptop computers causes infertility in men. Just in time for last-minute Christmas shoppers, master-marketer Toshiba debuted their new 17-inch screen, "Trojan 500."
FRI, SAT, SUN, December 9, 10, 11, 2011
One of the bidders to purchase the Los Angeles Dodgers is Larry King. The players are already demanding they be traded if the rumors circulating around the club are true -- that they'd be required to wear suspenders on the field.
Issue #1 of Action Comics recently sold at auction for in excess of $2 million. Ironic, isn't it? That's the issue in which the Metropolis police chief seeks Superman's help in catching a publisher of overpriced comic books.
Seventies model/actress Christie Brinkley has vowed to straighten out her current problems with the IRS. Seems they take the position that declaring medical deductions of $8.3 million for fad diets was a tad excessive even for a model.
At the urging of medical authorities, Great Britain is considering a bill that would ban smoking in all automobiles and lorries. The health threat doesn't come from the tobacco use as you might think. Seems it gets so smokey in some cars, drivers inadvertently turn into a restaurant.
Issue #1 of Action Comics recently sold at auction for in excess of $2 million. Ironic, isn't it? That's the issue in which the Metropolis police chief seeks Superman's help in catching a publisher of overpriced comic books.
Seventies model/actress Christie Brinkley has vowed to straighten out her current problems with the IRS. Seems they take the position that declaring medical deductions of $8.3 million for fad diets was a tad excessive even for a model.
At the urging of medical authorities, Great Britain is considering a bill that would ban smoking in all automobiles and lorries. The health threat doesn't come from the tobacco use as you might think. Seems it gets so smokey in some cars, drivers inadvertently turn into a restaurant.
THURSDAY, December 8, 2011
Target has banned Salvation Army bell-ringers in front of their stores. It's not that they're against charities collecting funds for the disadvantaged -- what got them up-in-arms was the Army's refusal to purchase their kettles from Target's Home & Garden Department.
The U.S. Postal Service, faced with massive losses, will close hundreds of mail-sorting centers and cut back deliveries. Under their new guidelines, you should mail your Christmas gifts now to insure arrival by December 25 -- 2010.
Oceanographers are appealing to the public to report instances of hearing pilot and killer whales "singing." For those unfamiliar with undersea taxonomy, pilot whales are killer whales who need at least three Margaritas before they can take off on a hunt.
The San Francisco Board of Supervisors has voted to ban McDonald's Happy Meals because the small toys included in them pose a choking hazard. Which will disappoint the kids who have discovered that the toys usually taste better than the meal.
The U.S. Postal Service, faced with massive losses, will close hundreds of mail-sorting centers and cut back deliveries. Under their new guidelines, you should mail your Christmas gifts now to insure arrival by December 25 -- 2010.
Oceanographers are appealing to the public to report instances of hearing pilot and killer whales "singing." For those unfamiliar with undersea taxonomy, pilot whales are killer whales who need at least three Margaritas before they can take off on a hunt.
The San Francisco Board of Supervisors has voted to ban McDonald's Happy Meals because the small toys included in them pose a choking hazard. Which will disappoint the kids who have discovered that the toys usually taste better than the meal.
WEDNESDAY, December 7, 2011
Al-Jazeera will soon debut a new sports network providing daily reports on Middle East athletics. Included will be exclusive worldwide coverage of major events at the region's most popular arena -- Madison Square Garden of Allah.
For the first time, the FDA has lifted the once-sacrosanct ban on human consumption of horse meat. Several national fast food chains have already taken advantage of the new law. For instance, McDonald's popular Egg McMuffin is now served on a warm sea biscuit.
All of the popular "Sesame Street" Muppets are now being shown on Afghan television. In the premier episode, Kermit the Frog enthralled Afghan youngsters with his signature song "It's Not Easy Being in the Green Zone."
At the Scottsdale Rod and Gun Club, Arizona children can have their picture taken sharing Santa's lap with a Winchester 30-30 deer rifle. Each kid photographed becomes eligible for the big Christmas Eve drawing in which the winner gets to shoot Rudolph.
For the first time, the FDA has lifted the once-sacrosanct ban on human consumption of horse meat. Several national fast food chains have already taken advantage of the new law. For instance, McDonald's popular Egg McMuffin is now served on a warm sea biscuit.
All of the popular "Sesame Street" Muppets are now being shown on Afghan television. In the premier episode, Kermit the Frog enthralled Afghan youngsters with his signature song "It's Not Easy Being in the Green Zone."
At the Scottsdale Rod and Gun Club, Arizona children can have their picture taken sharing Santa's lap with a Winchester 30-30 deer rifle. Each kid photographed becomes eligible for the big Christmas Eve drawing in which the winner gets to shoot Rudolph.
TUESDAY, December 6, 2011
Child welfare authorities in Newark, New Jersey took a child away from a couple who had named him "Adolph Hitler." The parents wouldn't have reported him if the kid's first words hadn't been "Tomorrow, we invade Poland!"
The US Air Force Academy has installed a Stonehenge-like area where cadets who practice witchcraft may worship. Which is so popular, they've changed their fight song to "Coming in On a Wing... a Prayer... and an Incantation."
San Diego Charger place kicker Nick Novak is facing disciplinary action because a TV camera caught him relieving himself on the sidelines during a game. On a more positive note, his doctor watching at home diagnosed a urinary tract infection.
The Pentagon has unveiled a super-rocket capable of hitting any target on the planet within an hour. Unfortunately, they cost $10 billion apiece to build and China won't give us the money.
The US Air Force Academy has installed a Stonehenge-like area where cadets who practice witchcraft may worship. Which is so popular, they've changed their fight song to "Coming in On a Wing... a Prayer... and an Incantation."
San Diego Charger place kicker Nick Novak is facing disciplinary action because a TV camera caught him relieving himself on the sidelines during a game. On a more positive note, his doctor watching at home diagnosed a urinary tract infection.
The Pentagon has unveiled a super-rocket capable of hitting any target on the planet within an hour. Unfortunately, they cost $10 billion apiece to build and China won't give us the money.
MONDAY, December 5, 2011
The LA Sheriff's Department is reexamining the tragic death of Natalie Wood. They ruled out
murder, though. New evidence indicates she may have jumped overboard to get away from listening to Robert Wagner explaining reverse mortgages.
A new AMA survey shows that within a year 50% of all practicing physicians will rely on electronic devices exclusively. Mine already is. I called him last week because I had indigestion and he said, "Sounds like a virus in your firewall. Could be an allergy to Blackberries. Of course, I won't know until I see the Blu-Rays."
A Delta Airlines pilot recently got stuck in the restroom when the door latch malfunctioned. The
crew was becoming concerned that the plane wouldn't be able to fly itself, but even worse, the
stewardess had to leave his margaritas on the floor outside the door.
An elderly man in Moline, Illinois accidentally donated his suit to Goodwill with $13,000 sewn into
the seams for safe-keeping. Luckily, police quickly spotted the recipient of the second-hand suit.
He was pushing a shopping cart with a new set of Michelin steel-belted radials with mag rims.
murder, though. New evidence indicates she may have jumped overboard to get away from listening to Robert Wagner explaining reverse mortgages.
A new AMA survey shows that within a year 50% of all practicing physicians will rely on electronic devices exclusively. Mine already is. I called him last week because I had indigestion and he said, "Sounds like a virus in your firewall. Could be an allergy to Blackberries. Of course, I won't know until I see the Blu-Rays."
A Delta Airlines pilot recently got stuck in the restroom when the door latch malfunctioned. The
crew was becoming concerned that the plane wouldn't be able to fly itself, but even worse, the
stewardess had to leave his margaritas on the floor outside the door.
An elderly man in Moline, Illinois accidentally donated his suit to Goodwill with $13,000 sewn into
the seams for safe-keeping. Luckily, police quickly spotted the recipient of the second-hand suit.
He was pushing a shopping cart with a new set of Michelin steel-belted radials with mag rims.
FRI, SAT, SUN, December 2, 3, 4, 2011
Completing his military training in Arizona, Britain's Prince Harry rented a Harley and biked across the dessert to Las Vegas. Universal has already optioned the rights to the film they plan to call "Harry of Arabia."
Lady Gaga has released her first Christmas album of holiday favorites. Her penchant for wearing meat products is reflected in a few of the cuts like "Oh, Little Armor Star of Bethlehem"... "I'm Dreaming of a White Castle Christmas" and "Fillet Ride."
The Indian Ministry of Commerce has opened its doors to supermarkets already successful in other countries. They have a big advantage in India. When a computer in the check-out line breaks down, the tech support people are right there among the shoppers.
You can now avoid banks by opening a debit card account with Wal-Mart. They're even offering a premium for first-time customers who sign up for their MoneyCard -- a free pass to watch them unload the cargo containers from China.
Lady Gaga has released her first Christmas album of holiday favorites. Her penchant for wearing meat products is reflected in a few of the cuts like "Oh, Little Armor Star of Bethlehem"... "I'm Dreaming of a White Castle Christmas" and "Fillet Ride."
The Indian Ministry of Commerce has opened its doors to supermarkets already successful in other countries. They have a big advantage in India. When a computer in the check-out line breaks down, the tech support people are right there among the shoppers.
You can now avoid banks by opening a debit card account with Wal-Mart. They're even offering a premium for first-time customers who sign up for their MoneyCard -- a free pass to watch them unload the cargo containers from China.
THURSDAY, December 1, 2011
Drug Enforcement agents discovered a long, fully-ventilated tunnel being used to smuggle marijuana into San Diego. Now it's being put to lawful use. After the pot was removed, commuters began using it as an alternative to the bumper-to-bumper 405.
The National league cellar-dwelling Huston Astros will relocate next season to the American League. Forget the designated hitter rule. What they're really hoping for are some designated WINS.
The Christmas Season is now in full swing and even the Salvation Army is feeling the effects of the recession. They're so short of bell-ringers, they had to ask the Defense Department for some whistle-blowers.
Godfather director Francis Ford Coppola confided to an interviewer that he regrets making all those Corleone family sequels. While he was at it, he apologized to PETA for cutting off the head of a real horse in`the first one.
The National league cellar-dwelling Huston Astros will relocate next season to the American League. Forget the designated hitter rule. What they're really hoping for are some designated WINS.
The Christmas Season is now in full swing and even the Salvation Army is feeling the effects of the recession. They're so short of bell-ringers, they had to ask the Defense Department for some whistle-blowers.
Godfather director Francis Ford Coppola confided to an interviewer that he regrets making all those Corleone family sequels. While he was at it, he apologized to PETA for cutting off the head of a real horse in`the first one.
WEDNESDAY, November 30, 2011
Former "American Idol" winner Ruben Stoddard has been dropped by his wife of three years. From now on, he plans to marry Kardashians. He figures if his marriages aren't gonna last, he'd rather have a lifetime of great sex compressed into a couple of months.
A study on urban living shows that rich people walking from room-to-room in their over-sized mansions often forget what they were doing. Except when they're banished to the den for getting caught doing it with the maid.
A study by Triple A shows that hybrid automobiles are in far fewer accidents than gasoline-powered vehicles. The difference is attributed to their smaller size, slower speed and when a driver's heart pacemaker suddenly quits on him, the car's battery automatically kicks in.
According to the danger list issued annually by "World Against Toys Causing Harm," the "Samurai "Mega-Blade from Power Rangers is this year's most dangerous toy -- barely edging out the second place finisher, "Let's Play Coach" from Penn State Toys & Games.
A study on urban living shows that rich people walking from room-to-room in their over-sized mansions often forget what they were doing. Except when they're banished to the den for getting caught doing it with the maid.
A study by Triple A shows that hybrid automobiles are in far fewer accidents than gasoline-powered vehicles. The difference is attributed to their smaller size, slower speed and when a driver's heart pacemaker suddenly quits on him, the car's battery automatically kicks in.
According to the danger list issued annually by "World Against Toys Causing Harm," the "Samurai "Mega-Blade from Power Rangers is this year's most dangerous toy -- barely edging out the second place finisher, "Let's Play Coach" from Penn State Toys & Games.
TUESDAY, November 29, 2011
Meryl Streep is getting good buzz for her role as Margaret Thatcher in "The Iron Lady." The title had to be cleaned up to please the American censors. In Spanish-speaking nations, it's called "Cajonas en 10 Avenita Downing."
Upscale clothier Benetton was forced to withdraw a print ad showing Pope Benedict XVI kissing a Muslim cleric on the lips after Catholics complained. And that was the scaled-down version. In the first version, they used an altar boy.
Italian is such an expressive language. For instance, "paterno" in Italian means "father figure." Joe must have been that and more to Coach Sandusky. Almost every weekend, he gave him the keys to the shower room.
Figures compiled by the Census Department show that a college degree today is worth about $1 million over the life of its recipient. That's nothing. The ones that NBA players were supposed to get but didn't are worth a hundred times that much.
Upscale clothier Benetton was forced to withdraw a print ad showing Pope Benedict XVI kissing a Muslim cleric on the lips after Catholics complained. And that was the scaled-down version. In the first version, they used an altar boy.
Italian is such an expressive language. For instance, "paterno" in Italian means "father figure." Joe must have been that and more to Coach Sandusky. Almost every weekend, he gave him the keys to the shower room.
Figures compiled by the Census Department show that a college degree today is worth about $1 million over the life of its recipient. That's nothing. The ones that NBA players were supposed to get but didn't are worth a hundred times that much.
MONDAY, November 28, 2011
Agreement in the NBA strike settled after players decided to file an anti-trust action against the league. For those of you unfamiliar with legalese, "anti-trust" is the one Mrs. Bryant always threatens Kobe with to get another ring.
Microsoft has been commissioned to design the rooms for a luxury hotel being built in Paris. However, their first blueprints were rejected after test subjects reported that they had trouble sleeping in them. Too many windows.
With mortgage defaults at a record high, unemployment figures through the roof, the national debt set on self-destruct, the U.S. has never been in more dire straits. In fact, there are reports that China is getting buyer's remorse.
The Pentagon has been complaining that if the cuts proposed by the Democrats are approved, the defense Department will end up with their smallest budget since World War II. On the other hand, isn't World War II the last one in the winning column?
Microsoft has been commissioned to design the rooms for a luxury hotel being built in Paris. However, their first blueprints were rejected after test subjects reported that they had trouble sleeping in them. Too many windows.
With mortgage defaults at a record high, unemployment figures through the roof, the national debt set on self-destruct, the U.S. has never been in more dire straits. In fact, there are reports that China is getting buyer's remorse.
The Pentagon has been complaining that if the cuts proposed by the Democrats are approved, the defense Department will end up with their smallest budget since World War II. On the other hand, isn't World War II the last one in the winning column?
FRI, SAT, SUN, November 25, 26, 27, 2011
It's remarkable these days how people who retire are able to reinvent themselves and find new careers. Like the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade had two new floats this year -- Larry King and Regis Philbin.
The Food and Drug Administration is being careful to use the $600 million Congress gave them to expose Big Tobacco wisely. So far, they've pointed out that Joe Camel isn't cool. In fact, he's not even a camel -- he's a dromedary.
In "The Descendants," now playing in theaters, George Clooney is a member of one of Hawaii's richest family. In fact, they're so rich they don't even have a regular doorbell. When someone comes to the door, Don Ho opens it and sings "Tiny Bubbles."
World Physicists have added three new elements to the Periodic Table which join elements like carbon and aluminum. One of the new ones is even harder than a diamond. Kobe Bryant has already had a ring for his wife made out of it.
The Food and Drug Administration is being careful to use the $600 million Congress gave them to expose Big Tobacco wisely. So far, they've pointed out that Joe Camel isn't cool. In fact, he's not even a camel -- he's a dromedary.
In "The Descendants," now playing in theaters, George Clooney is a member of one of Hawaii's richest family. In fact, they're so rich they don't even have a regular doorbell. When someone comes to the door, Don Ho opens it and sings "Tiny Bubbles."
World Physicists have added three new elements to the Periodic Table which join elements like carbon and aluminum. One of the new ones is even harder than a diamond. Kobe Bryant has already had a ring for his wife made out of it.
THANKSGIVING DAY November 24, 2001
A government auditor's report shows that the U.S. Postal Service lost a whopping $5.1 billion last year. The breakdown shows that $1.8 billion went for salaries, $2.6 billion for vehicle maintenance and $700,000 for pepper spray.
A frequent flier has filed a lawsuit against Southwest Airlines over their refusal to honor free drink coupons he's accumulated over the past several years. I sympathize with the guy but I wish the airlines would just pay their pilots a regular salary like they used to.
Bob Barker told a Congressional committee investigating animal cruelty that circus trainers punish their elephants by making them dance on tiny foot stools. Hey, Bob, is that any worse than forcing women to stand around pretending to be using household appliances?
A Maine couple age 88 and 87 who met in a nursing home have requested a marriage license from the County Registrar. If you'd like to send them a gift, they're registered at Bed With Side Rails, Bath & Beyond.
A frequent flier has filed a lawsuit against Southwest Airlines over their refusal to honor free drink coupons he's accumulated over the past several years. I sympathize with the guy but I wish the airlines would just pay their pilots a regular salary like they used to.
Bob Barker told a Congressional committee investigating animal cruelty that circus trainers punish their elephants by making them dance on tiny foot stools. Hey, Bob, is that any worse than forcing women to stand around pretending to be using household appliances?
A Maine couple age 88 and 87 who met in a nursing home have requested a marriage license from the County Registrar. If you'd like to send them a gift, they're registered at Bed With Side Rails, Bath & Beyond.
WEDNESDAY, November 23, 2011
On Thanksgiving, ABC will air their first holiday special hosted by Lady Gaga. It will be a typical Thanksgiving celebration with turkey, oyster dressing, mashed potatoes, cranberry sauce and pumpkin pie. And that's just her wardrobe.
Former First Daughter Chelsea Clinton has landed an on-air gig with NBC. Maybe they should think of rescheduling, though. Her show is between "Cooking with Monica Lewinsky" and "Let's Go White Water Rafting!"
Thanks to massive budget cutbacks resulting in extensive city employee layoffs, the Chicago coroner is so short-staffed, the storage locker at the morgue is now piled high with corpses -- or, as they refer to them in Chicago, "votes."
While she regrets her decision to file for divorce against husband Ashton Kucher, Demi Moore told reporters that she places full blame on the age issue. She caught him cheating with much younger women.
Former First Daughter Chelsea Clinton has landed an on-air gig with NBC. Maybe they should think of rescheduling, though. Her show is between "Cooking with Monica Lewinsky" and "Let's Go White Water Rafting!"
Thanks to massive budget cutbacks resulting in extensive city employee layoffs, the Chicago coroner is so short-staffed, the storage locker at the morgue is now piled high with corpses -- or, as they refer to them in Chicago, "votes."
While she regrets her decision to file for divorce against husband Ashton Kucher, Demi Moore told reporters that she places full blame on the age issue. She caught him cheating with much younger women.
TUESDAY, November 22, 2011
Parents complained to L.A. Unified School District officials when they learned that a well-known porn star was allowed to read a story to their first-graders. Until now, nobody had any idea what "The Little Engine That Could" did on his day off.
The producers of "Happy Feet 2" now playing in theaters are defendants in a multimillion dollar lawsuit filed by the Vatican and alleging theft of intellectual property. The church claims that the penguins' wardrobe was lifted almost entirely from the Little Sisters of the Poor.
Video game fans are flocking to purchase "Call of Duty 3," reportedly the most realistic police video ever made. Some gamers are taking the advice of the game's makers to add even more realism by playing it in a do-nut shop.
After lengthy and heated negotiations, L.A. Dodger home run wizard Matt Kemp has signed a new contract with the club. Under the terms of his new pact, he'll receive $160 million in salary and three Hollywood starlets to be named later.
The producers of "Happy Feet 2" now playing in theaters are defendants in a multimillion dollar lawsuit filed by the Vatican and alleging theft of intellectual property. The church claims that the penguins' wardrobe was lifted almost entirely from the Little Sisters of the Poor.
Video game fans are flocking to purchase "Call of Duty 3," reportedly the most realistic police video ever made. Some gamers are taking the advice of the game's makers to add even more realism by playing it in a do-nut shop.
After lengthy and heated negotiations, L.A. Dodger home run wizard Matt Kemp has signed a new contract with the club. Under the terms of his new pact, he'll receive $160 million in salary and three Hollywood starlets to be named later.
MONDAY, November 21, 2011
The NBA lockout is having devastating effects on businesses that rely on the regularly-scheduled games like restaurants, hotels, and auto-rental agencies. Without the usual player traffic, Big Five reported a 67% drop in the sale of hand-gun ammo.
There are now over 500 Starbucks in China. They're just as over-priced as ours, but over there if you're a little short they'll give you a low-interest loan to cover the balance.
According to the Journal Nature, woolly mammoths coexisted with native Americans as late as 6000 years ago. Actually, they got along pretty well. Any Indian who could survive the shearing ended up in an expensive-looking designer suit.
Stung by the toxic mortgages scandal and beset by declining revenues, Citigroup will be forced to cashier over 3000 longtime employees. They'll also be changing their name to Citi Skeleton Crew.
There are now over 500 Starbucks in China. They're just as over-priced as ours, but over there if you're a little short they'll give you a low-interest loan to cover the balance.
According to the Journal Nature, woolly mammoths coexisted with native Americans as late as 6000 years ago. Actually, they got along pretty well. Any Indian who could survive the shearing ended up in an expensive-looking designer suit.
Stung by the toxic mortgages scandal and beset by declining revenues, Citigroup will be forced to cashier over 3000 longtime employees. They'll also be changing their name to Citi Skeleton Crew.
FRI, SAT, SUN, November 18, 19, 20, 2011
With all her legal entanglements, Lindsay Lohan had a problem scheduling the shoot for her January Playboy spread. Get ready for this. She'll be shown naked picking up trash on the Hollywood Freeway.
Never one to miss a marketing opportunity, Nike is has introduced their new "NBA Lockout 500" basketball shoe that will sell for $87.50 a pair. They were assembled in a Malaysian sweatshop by underage workers on strike.
Won't be long before Nissan will market an electric car with a battery that will charge in ten minutes. Even with all the technological breakthroughs, some things never change. What do you bet the key to the restroom will still be on a stick?
The doors at all Target stores will swing open at midnight Thanksgiving to mark to start of "Black Friday," America's biggest shopping day of the year. Last year's winner was a 120 pound Ethiopian who completed her shopping in a record one hour, 14 minutes, 6 seconds.
Never one to miss a marketing opportunity, Nike is has introduced their new "NBA Lockout 500" basketball shoe that will sell for $87.50 a pair. They were assembled in a Malaysian sweatshop by underage workers on strike.
Won't be long before Nissan will market an electric car with a battery that will charge in ten minutes. Even with all the technological breakthroughs, some things never change. What do you bet the key to the restroom will still be on a stick?
The doors at all Target stores will swing open at midnight Thanksgiving to mark to start of "Black Friday," America's biggest shopping day of the year. Last year's winner was a 120 pound Ethiopian who completed her shopping in a record one hour, 14 minutes, 6 seconds.
THURSDAY, November 17, 2011
GOP hopefuls Rick Perry, Michelle Bachmann and Herman Cain all claim they decided to run after God told them to. Well, now we know what God was doing instead of keeping his eye on the Penn State coaching staff.
Michelle Bachmann told reporters that she doesn't consider water boarding torture and thinks the CIA should do more of it. In fact, she said she even tried it once on vacation in Waikiki but kept wiping out.
A professional rugby player in the UK is claiming that he had a stroke that made him turn gay. Not likely when you examine the circumstances. He had the stroke when someone told him that Bette Midler was retiring.
Duke University hoop legend Mike Krzyzewski has tied Bobby Knight for career coaching wins. They have lots in common. Knight was known for throwing chairs across the court. Mike is famous for doing it while a player was still sitting in it.
Michelle Bachmann told reporters that she doesn't consider water boarding torture and thinks the CIA should do more of it. In fact, she said she even tried it once on vacation in Waikiki but kept wiping out.
A professional rugby player in the UK is claiming that he had a stroke that made him turn gay. Not likely when you examine the circumstances. He had the stroke when someone told him that Bette Midler was retiring.
Duke University hoop legend Mike Krzyzewski has tied Bobby Knight for career coaching wins. They have lots in common. Knight was known for throwing chairs across the court. Mike is famous for doing it while a player was still sitting in it.
WEDNESDAY, November 16, 2011
According to press reports, Eddie Murphy bailed out of his Oscar hosting gig after producer and pal Brett Ratner walked. Actually, there were creative differences, too. He was insisting that they let him host the entire show dressed as Gumby.
Clint Eastwood's new movie "J. Edgar" was made with the full cooperation and aid of the F.B.I. in Washington. They must have really bent the rules for Clint. I was in the Post office yesterday and Leonardo DiCaprio's mug shot was among the Ten Most Wanted.
Wal-Mart is exploring the possibility of placing fully-staffed medical clinics in all of their stores nationwide. Good luck. Sears tried that years ago but shoppers balked -- probably because you had to buy a health insurance policy from the doctor who was also an Allstate agent.
Jane Fonda is currently producing a workout DVD designed especially for seniors. Problem is, you have to do all the exercises while sitting in a Viet Cong anti-aircraft gun turret.
Clint Eastwood's new movie "J. Edgar" was made with the full cooperation and aid of the F.B.I. in Washington. They must have really bent the rules for Clint. I was in the Post office yesterday and Leonardo DiCaprio's mug shot was among the Ten Most Wanted.
Wal-Mart is exploring the possibility of placing fully-staffed medical clinics in all of their stores nationwide. Good luck. Sears tried that years ago but shoppers balked -- probably because you had to buy a health insurance policy from the doctor who was also an Allstate agent.
Jane Fonda is currently producing a workout DVD designed especially for seniors. Problem is, you have to do all the exercises while sitting in a Viet Cong anti-aircraft gun turret.
TUESDAY, November 15, 2011
Convinced that he'll eventually be exonerated from sexual harassment accusations, Herman Cain has agreed to take a lie-detector test to speed up the process. Typical of a former pizza man, he promised to quit the race if he doesn't deliver the truth within 30 minutes or less.
Three men robbed a Washington, D.C. bank of $100,000. Two of them were wearing George W. Bush masks and a third, wearing a Dick Cheney mask, told the teller to hand over all her cash or he'd water board her.
Lindsay Lohan was released from jail after serving only four hours of a 30-day sentence for violating her probation. Apparently, in Los Angeles, celebrity pet owners are allowed to convert their sentences into dog years.
Thanks to massive budget cuts, the City Council in Smithfield, North Carolina no longer provides the police department gas for their cruisers. Next time you're caught in Springfield's speed trap, try bribing the guy with your Shell credit card.
Three men robbed a Washington, D.C. bank of $100,000. Two of them were wearing George W. Bush masks and a third, wearing a Dick Cheney mask, told the teller to hand over all her cash or he'd water board her.
Lindsay Lohan was released from jail after serving only four hours of a 30-day sentence for violating her probation. Apparently, in Los Angeles, celebrity pet owners are allowed to convert their sentences into dog years.
Thanks to massive budget cuts, the City Council in Smithfield, North Carolina no longer provides the police department gas for their cruisers. Next time you're caught in Springfield's speed trap, try bribing the guy with your Shell credit card.
MONDAY, November 14, 2011
For the first time, the Aflac duck of TV fame will join Charlie Brown and Snoopy in the annual Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade. Executives had to be persuaded to use the customary neoprene rubber to construct the float. They wanted to blow up Gilbert Gottfreid.
A graduate student at M.I.T. has patented a portable vacuum cleaner that's made out of the box it comes in. And for the really cost-conscious, prepackaged dust is available for a slight extra charge.
Michele Bachmann promises that if she ever becomes president, she'll have presidents Reagan, Garfield and Coolidge added to Mt. Rushmore. And she says they'll be carved by a real sculptor, not naturally formed like the present ones.
A crowd of Wall Street protesters camped in a Sacramento park clashed with a group of homeless people who claimed squatters rights. Governor Jerry Brown was so confused, he didn't know which group to pitch his tent with.
A graduate student at M.I.T. has patented a portable vacuum cleaner that's made out of the box it comes in. And for the really cost-conscious, prepackaged dust is available for a slight extra charge.
Michele Bachmann promises that if she ever becomes president, she'll have presidents Reagan, Garfield and Coolidge added to Mt. Rushmore. And she says they'll be carved by a real sculptor, not naturally formed like the present ones.
A crowd of Wall Street protesters camped in a Sacramento park clashed with a group of homeless people who claimed squatters rights. Governor Jerry Brown was so confused, he didn't know which group to pitch his tent with.
FRI, SAT, SUN, November 11, 12, 13, 2011
After the Penn State Board of Trustees fired coach Joe Paterno for not reporting staff child abuse, Joe issued a formal statement of resignation -- but not before checking the instant replay of the trustees' press conference for loopholes.
Even at age 84, Joe is nothing if not resilient. He's already applied for and been hired to host the Academy Awards.
This scandal is the worst in Penn State history. The whole state is so ashamed, plans have been scrapped to re-issue a Christmas album by Fred Waring and the Pennsylvanians.
Supermodel Heidi Montag has signed with a major publisher to pen her memoirs. And she's already chosen a perfect title to titillate potential readers -- "Here's the Skinny."
Even at age 84, Joe is nothing if not resilient. He's already applied for and been hired to host the Academy Awards.
This scandal is the worst in Penn State history. The whole state is so ashamed, plans have been scrapped to re-issue a Christmas album by Fred Waring and the Pennsylvanians.
Supermodel Heidi Montag has signed with a major publisher to pen her memoirs. And she's already chosen a perfect title to titillate potential readers -- "Here's the Skinny."
THURSDAY, November 10, 2011
Speculation among royal-watchers in London is that Prince William's new wife Kate Middleton may be with child. No confirmation from the palace, but tell-tale signs persist. The couple recently hired a morning sickness lady-in-waiting.
To curb the spiraling stats on pregnancy and STDs, New York now issues middle school students a life-style "risk card." Risks include heavy petting . . . pre-marital sex. . . oral copulation . . . and enrolling at Penn State.
Chanel has debuted a new perfume entitled "Jersey." Some may find the new fragrance vaguely familiar. It smells like Chanel No. 5 that's had a body floating in it.
The CIA monitors five million tweets a day looking for suspicious communications. They're constantly on the alert for buzz words that could mean trouble -- like "bomb". . . "Allah" . . . "jihad". . . "I.E.D.". . . "Snooki. . .
To curb the spiraling stats on pregnancy and STDs, New York now issues middle school students a life-style "risk card." Risks include heavy petting . . . pre-marital sex. . . oral copulation . . . and enrolling at Penn State.
Chanel has debuted a new perfume entitled "Jersey." Some may find the new fragrance vaguely familiar. It smells like Chanel No. 5 that's had a body floating in it.
The CIA monitors five million tweets a day looking for suspicious communications. They're constantly on the alert for buzz words that could mean trouble -- like "bomb". . . "Allah" . . . "jihad". . . "I.E.D.". . . "Snooki. . .
WEDNESDAY, November 9, 2011
A jury in Los Angeles found Dr. Conrad Murray guilty of voluntary manslaughter in the death of Michael Jackson. Afterward on the steps of the courthouse, one of the jurors told a reporter it was the prosecutor's poetry that insured conviction -- "If the IV fit, you can't acquit."
L.A. firemen were called out to extinguish a blaze at the famed Magic Castle, the well-known headquarters of the world's leading magicians. Three firefighters were treated for smoke inhalation, two were levitated and one was sawed in half.
The legendary department store Macy's in New York's Herald Square is boasting that it has the world's largest shoe department with 39,000 square feet. Sounds great if your feet happen to be square.
Due to massive budget cuts, city fathers in Smithfield, North Carolina refused to authorize funds to provide their police department with gasoline for their cruisers. Now when dignitaries are welcomed to Springfield, they get a skateboard escort.
L.A. firemen were called out to extinguish a blaze at the famed Magic Castle, the well-known headquarters of the world's leading magicians. Three firefighters were treated for smoke inhalation, two were levitated and one was sawed in half.
The legendary department store Macy's in New York's Herald Square is boasting that it has the world's largest shoe department with 39,000 square feet. Sounds great if your feet happen to be square.
Due to massive budget cuts, city fathers in Smithfield, North Carolina refused to authorize funds to provide their police department with gasoline for their cruisers. Now when dignitaries are welcomed to Springfield, they get a skateboard escort.
TUESDAY, November 8, 2011
Archaeologists in Patagonia found fossils believed to have belonged to a sabre-toothed squirrel that lived 93 million years ago. At first, they wondered why a squirrel would need such sharp teeth -- then they discovered Fred Flintstone was using him to crack walnuts.
The latest Bond film, "Skyfall,"is filming now for release in early 2012. Longtime fans of the series may be shocked to learn that the effects of the energy crisis have even reached Agent .007. For instance, his specially-equipped Aston-Martin has been replaced by a stripped-down Aston-Prius.
According to a survey of national driving habits conducted by Travel & Leisure Magazine, Miami, Florida boasts the worst drivers. Experts theorize that much of the erratic behavior on the road is the result of obstruction from handicapped parking permits hanging on rear-view mirrors.
Greek prime Minister George Papandreou may be sacked because of the country's economic collapse. Opposition party leaders say he worsened the debt crisis when he used his Olympic connections to place Greek currency on the Gold Medal Standard.
The latest Bond film, "Skyfall,"is filming now for release in early 2012. Longtime fans of the series may be shocked to learn that the effects of the energy crisis have even reached Agent .007. For instance, his specially-equipped Aston-Martin has been replaced by a stripped-down Aston-Prius.
According to a survey of national driving habits conducted by Travel & Leisure Magazine, Miami, Florida boasts the worst drivers. Experts theorize that much of the erratic behavior on the road is the result of obstruction from handicapped parking permits hanging on rear-view mirrors.
Greek prime Minister George Papandreou may be sacked because of the country's economic collapse. Opposition party leaders say he worsened the debt crisis when he used his Olympic connections to place Greek currency on the Gold Medal Standard.
MONDAY, November 7, 2011
Thick dense fog is being blamed for a horrendous pileup on the thruway outside London that demolished 37 automobiles, lorries and motorcycles. Americans expressed total shock at the devastation. No one suspected that the court would allow Lindsay Lohan to leave the country.
Cher is reportedly upset at the "Dancing With the Stars" judges who made fun of Chaz. Can't blame her. She's afraid it might harm sales of a new single she'll soon release honoring her son's sex-change operation -- "I Got Rid of You, Babe."
New York City's Nighthawk Cinema is the first theater in the state to offer patrons cocktails during screenings. The price may discourage sales, though -- there's a 20-bags of popcorn minimum.
Pro golfer Erik Compton convinced the P.G.A. to allow him to join the Tour even though he's had two heart transplants. They made an exception to the 14-club-per-bag maximum. He'll be allowed to carry two paddles.
Cher is reportedly upset at the "Dancing With the Stars" judges who made fun of Chaz. Can't blame her. She's afraid it might harm sales of a new single she'll soon release honoring her son's sex-change operation -- "I Got Rid of You, Babe."
New York City's Nighthawk Cinema is the first theater in the state to offer patrons cocktails during screenings. The price may discourage sales, though -- there's a 20-bags of popcorn minimum.
Pro golfer Erik Compton convinced the P.G.A. to allow him to join the Tour even though he's had two heart transplants. They made an exception to the 14-club-per-bag maximum. He'll be allowed to carry two paddles.
FRI, SAT, SUN, November 4, 5, 6, 2011
Friends and relatives were shocked when Kim Kardashian filed for divorce from her husband of seventy-two days, Kris Humphries. Some welcome news, though, for guests who bought gifts. The couple was registered at "Bed, Bath & If It Doesn't Last Beyond 90-Days You Get a Refund."
A Polish airline pilot is being hailed as a hero after he belly-landed his disabled jetliner in Warsaw. Setting down there wasn't his first choice but air controllers convinced him that he'd run short of fuel before reaching the Hudson River.
Lindsay Lohan has agreed to appear nude in Playboy Magazine for $1 million. She did impose a few conditions, though. The centerfold has to be arranged in such a way that one of the staples covers her ankle bracelet.
Four men aged 65 to 73 were arrested in Gainesville, Florida and charged with domestic terrorism. Seems they were plotting to destroy the national headquarters of A.A.R.P. using pipe bombs stuffed with Metamucil.
A Polish airline pilot is being hailed as a hero after he belly-landed his disabled jetliner in Warsaw. Setting down there wasn't his first choice but air controllers convinced him that he'd run short of fuel before reaching the Hudson River.
Lindsay Lohan has agreed to appear nude in Playboy Magazine for $1 million. She did impose a few conditions, though. The centerfold has to be arranged in such a way that one of the staples covers her ankle bracelet.
Four men aged 65 to 73 were arrested in Gainesville, Florida and charged with domestic terrorism. Seems they were plotting to destroy the national headquarters of A.A.R.P. using pipe bombs stuffed with Metamucil.
THURSDAY, November 3, 2011
Following the interview of Ruth Madoff on "60 Minutes," Larry King confided to a reporter that he holds no ill will toward Bernie since he recovered all of his $700,000 investment. Of course, Larry has kind of an inside track. He went to grammar school with Charlie Ponzi.
The producers of the new Antonio Bandaras starrer "Puss N Boots" used cutting-edge digital motion software to duplicate exactly a feline's natural movements. There's an intermission halfway through the film when Puss regurgitates a giant hair ball.
The re-release of the six "Star Wars" movies on Blu-Ray raked in $38 million during its first week. That's the good news. The bad news is that in the Blue-ray version, Carrie Fisher's hair looks even more like a helmet.
Is nothing safe anymore? There's a new warning that sugar-free chewing gum can damage teeth. They discovered it strictly by accident when someone noticed that a wad of it was eating through the metal on the bottom of a theater seat.
The producers of the new Antonio Bandaras starrer "Puss N Boots" used cutting-edge digital motion software to duplicate exactly a feline's natural movements. There's an intermission halfway through the film when Puss regurgitates a giant hair ball.
The re-release of the six "Star Wars" movies on Blu-Ray raked in $38 million during its first week. That's the good news. The bad news is that in the Blue-ray version, Carrie Fisher's hair looks even more like a helmet.
Is nothing safe anymore? There's a new warning that sugar-free chewing gum can damage teeth. They discovered it strictly by accident when someone noticed that a wad of it was eating through the metal on the bottom of a theater seat.
WEDNESDAY, November 2, 2011
McDonald's is planning to reintroduce the once-popular McRib Sandwich at most of its
franchises. It's part of a new program designed to insure that no animal parts go to waste. In the
coming months, watch for the "McUdder" and the "McHoof."
L.A. firemen were called out to extinguish a blaze at the famed Magic Castle, the well-known
headquarters of the world's leading magicians. Three firefighters were treated for smoke
inhalation, two were levitated and one was sawed in half.
China's Ministry of Culture issued a blanket ban on all reality TV programming deemed to be
"overly entertaining." First to go was the widely popular "Survivor:Taiwan" in which contestants
voted off the island were shot.
According to a census of the earth commissioned by the United Nations, the world is now the
home of seven billion human beings. And do you think I can get just one of them to show up and
install my new cable TV?
franchises. It's part of a new program designed to insure that no animal parts go to waste. In the
coming months, watch for the "McUdder" and the "McHoof."
L.A. firemen were called out to extinguish a blaze at the famed Magic Castle, the well-known
headquarters of the world's leading magicians. Three firefighters were treated for smoke
inhalation, two were levitated and one was sawed in half.
China's Ministry of Culture issued a blanket ban on all reality TV programming deemed to be
"overly entertaining." First to go was the widely popular "Survivor:Taiwan" in which contestants
voted off the island were shot.
According to a census of the earth commissioned by the United Nations, the world is now the
home of seven billion human beings. And do you think I can get just one of them to show up and
install my new cable TV?
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THE LAUGH MAKERS: A Leonard Maltin "Top 20" Year End Pick!
DOLORES HOPE MEDLEY
DOLORES HOPE "Silver Bells" (with Bob)
BOB HOPE'S 1983 U.S. COLLEGE CAMPUS TOUR: Your Alma Mater Here?
"Having spent twenty years writing for the indefatigable Bob Hope, and traveling all over the world, Bob Mills is well qualified to salute the famous corps of gag men who kept the comedian knee-deep in jokes. These first-hand recollections summon up the final phase of Hope’s career—and the end of the trail for an entire brand of show business."
http://www.leonardmaltin.com/2009YearEndBookSurvey.htm
http://www.leonardmaltin.com/2009YearEndBookSurvey.htm
Even Animals Love "THE YouTube WORLDWIDE NEWS"!
THE LAUGH MAKERS is now on KINDLE! (And Kindle equipped devices)
Download THE LAUGH MAKERS to your Kindle within one minute (for $2.99) by clicking on this link:
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And if you're not yet a Kindle owner, when you purchase your new lower-priced Kindle with a capacity of 3500 books, be sure to sign up for our daily blog so you won't miss one issue of the web's most entertaining and insightful comments on the day's events... or a single serialized installment of THE LAUGH MAKERS. Order your Kindle today!
WakiLeaks: History Declassified 2000 (Vol. One) is now available on Kindle for $2.99
Compiled from Bob's newsletter "Funnyside Up" published in 2000. This is a yuck and chuckle-filled stroll down memory lane to a time before the Bush administration had inflicted its damage -- a time before the search for WMDs and Osama bin Laden. See what we were laughing at back then, who was in the news and who had yet to enter rehab -- which NFL stars had yet to do time in the Gray Bar Hotel.
http://www.amazon.com/dp/B004IZLXIQ
http://www.amazon.com/dp/B0041D9EPO
And if you're not yet a Kindle owner, when you purchase your new lower-priced Kindle with a capacity of 3500 books, be sure to sign up for our daily blog so you won't miss one issue of the web's most entertaining and insightful comments on the day's events... or a single serialized installment of THE LAUGH MAKERS. Order your Kindle today!
WakiLeaks: History Declassified 2000 (Vol. One) is now available on Kindle for $2.99
Compiled from Bob's newsletter "Funnyside Up" published in 2000. This is a yuck and chuckle-filled stroll down memory lane to a time before the Bush administration had inflicted its damage -- a time before the search for WMDs and Osama bin Laden. See what we were laughing at back then, who was in the news and who had yet to enter rehab -- which NFL stars had yet to do time in the Gray Bar Hotel.
http://www.amazon.com/dp/B004IZLXIQ