The NBA lockout is having devastating effects on businesses that rely on the regularly-scheduled games like restaurants, hotels, and auto-rental agencies. Without the usual player traffic, Big Five reported a 67% drop in the sale of hand-gun ammo.
There are now over 500 Starbucks in China. They're just as over-priced as ours, but over there if you're a little short they'll give you a low-interest loan to cover the balance.
According to the Journal Nature, woolly mammoths coexisted with native Americans as late as 6000 years ago. Actually, they got along pretty well. Any Indian who could survive the shearing ended up in an expensive-looking designer suit.
Stung by the toxic mortgages scandal and beset by declining revenues, Citigroup will be forced to cashier over 3000 longtime employees. They'll also be changing their name to Citi Skeleton Crew.
A Longtime Bob Hope Joke Writer Presents Daily Insightful Topical Satire Of Current Events (Illustrated) Plus Rare Photos From Hollywood's Bygone Era And Excerpts From THE LAUGH MAKERS By Robert L. Mills -- Color Photos From the Book and Rare Classic Vintage Video Clips! Send Your Show Biz Questions to "ASK BOB" at: TheLaughMakers@GMail.com
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FRI, SAT, SUN, November 18, 19, 20, 2011
With all her legal entanglements, Lindsay Lohan had a problem scheduling the shoot for her January Playboy spread. Get ready for this. She'll be shown naked picking up trash on the Hollywood Freeway.
Never one to miss a marketing opportunity, Nike is has introduced their new "NBA Lockout 500" basketball shoe that will sell for $87.50 a pair. They were assembled in a Malaysian sweatshop by underage workers on strike.
Won't be long before Nissan will market an electric car with a battery that will charge in ten minutes. Even with all the technological breakthroughs, some things never change. What do you bet the key to the restroom will still be on a stick?
The doors at all Target stores will swing open at midnight Thanksgiving to mark to start of "Black Friday," America's biggest shopping day of the year. Last year's winner was a 120 pound Ethiopian who completed her shopping in a record one hour, 14 minutes, 6 seconds.
Never one to miss a marketing opportunity, Nike is has introduced their new "NBA Lockout 500" basketball shoe that will sell for $87.50 a pair. They were assembled in a Malaysian sweatshop by underage workers on strike.
Won't be long before Nissan will market an electric car with a battery that will charge in ten minutes. Even with all the technological breakthroughs, some things never change. What do you bet the key to the restroom will still be on a stick?
The doors at all Target stores will swing open at midnight Thanksgiving to mark to start of "Black Friday," America's biggest shopping day of the year. Last year's winner was a 120 pound Ethiopian who completed her shopping in a record one hour, 14 minutes, 6 seconds.
THURSDAY, November 17, 2011
GOP hopefuls Rick Perry, Michelle Bachmann and Herman Cain all claim they decided to run after God told them to. Well, now we know what God was doing instead of keeping his eye on the Penn State coaching staff.
Michelle Bachmann told reporters that she doesn't consider water boarding torture and thinks the CIA should do more of it. In fact, she said she even tried it once on vacation in Waikiki but kept wiping out.
A professional rugby player in the UK is claiming that he had a stroke that made him turn gay. Not likely when you examine the circumstances. He had the stroke when someone told him that Bette Midler was retiring.
Duke University hoop legend Mike Krzyzewski has tied Bobby Knight for career coaching wins. They have lots in common. Knight was known for throwing chairs across the court. Mike is famous for doing it while a player was still sitting in it.
Michelle Bachmann told reporters that she doesn't consider water boarding torture and thinks the CIA should do more of it. In fact, she said she even tried it once on vacation in Waikiki but kept wiping out.
A professional rugby player in the UK is claiming that he had a stroke that made him turn gay. Not likely when you examine the circumstances. He had the stroke when someone told him that Bette Midler was retiring.
Duke University hoop legend Mike Krzyzewski has tied Bobby Knight for career coaching wins. They have lots in common. Knight was known for throwing chairs across the court. Mike is famous for doing it while a player was still sitting in it.
WEDNESDAY, November 16, 2011
According to press reports, Eddie Murphy bailed out of his Oscar hosting gig after producer and pal Brett Ratner walked. Actually, there were creative differences, too. He was insisting that they let him host the entire show dressed as Gumby.
Clint Eastwood's new movie "J. Edgar" was made with the full cooperation and aid of the F.B.I. in Washington. They must have really bent the rules for Clint. I was in the Post office yesterday and Leonardo DiCaprio's mug shot was among the Ten Most Wanted.
Wal-Mart is exploring the possibility of placing fully-staffed medical clinics in all of their stores nationwide. Good luck. Sears tried that years ago but shoppers balked -- probably because you had to buy a health insurance policy from the doctor who was also an Allstate agent.
Jane Fonda is currently producing a workout DVD designed especially for seniors. Problem is, you have to do all the exercises while sitting in a Viet Cong anti-aircraft gun turret.
Clint Eastwood's new movie "J. Edgar" was made with the full cooperation and aid of the F.B.I. in Washington. They must have really bent the rules for Clint. I was in the Post office yesterday and Leonardo DiCaprio's mug shot was among the Ten Most Wanted.
Wal-Mart is exploring the possibility of placing fully-staffed medical clinics in all of their stores nationwide. Good luck. Sears tried that years ago but shoppers balked -- probably because you had to buy a health insurance policy from the doctor who was also an Allstate agent.
Jane Fonda is currently producing a workout DVD designed especially for seniors. Problem is, you have to do all the exercises while sitting in a Viet Cong anti-aircraft gun turret.
TUESDAY, November 15, 2011
Convinced that he'll eventually be exonerated from sexual harassment accusations, Herman Cain has agreed to take a lie-detector test to speed up the process. Typical of a former pizza man, he promised to quit the race if he doesn't deliver the truth within 30 minutes or less.
Three men robbed a Washington, D.C. bank of $100,000. Two of them were wearing George W. Bush masks and a third, wearing a Dick Cheney mask, told the teller to hand over all her cash or he'd water board her.
Lindsay Lohan was released from jail after serving only four hours of a 30-day sentence for violating her probation. Apparently, in Los Angeles, celebrity pet owners are allowed to convert their sentences into dog years.
Thanks to massive budget cuts, the City Council in Smithfield, North Carolina no longer provides the police department gas for their cruisers. Next time you're caught in Springfield's speed trap, try bribing the guy with your Shell credit card.
Three men robbed a Washington, D.C. bank of $100,000. Two of them were wearing George W. Bush masks and a third, wearing a Dick Cheney mask, told the teller to hand over all her cash or he'd water board her.
Lindsay Lohan was released from jail after serving only four hours of a 30-day sentence for violating her probation. Apparently, in Los Angeles, celebrity pet owners are allowed to convert their sentences into dog years.
Thanks to massive budget cuts, the City Council in Smithfield, North Carolina no longer provides the police department gas for their cruisers. Next time you're caught in Springfield's speed trap, try bribing the guy with your Shell credit card.
MONDAY, November 14, 2011
For the first time, the Aflac duck of TV fame will join Charlie Brown and Snoopy in the annual Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade. Executives had to be persuaded to use the customary neoprene rubber to construct the float. They wanted to blow up Gilbert Gottfreid.
A graduate student at M.I.T. has patented a portable vacuum cleaner that's made out of the box it comes in. And for the really cost-conscious, prepackaged dust is available for a slight extra charge.
Michele Bachmann promises that if she ever becomes president, she'll have presidents Reagan, Garfield and Coolidge added to Mt. Rushmore. And she says they'll be carved by a real sculptor, not naturally formed like the present ones.
A crowd of Wall Street protesters camped in a Sacramento park clashed with a group of homeless people who claimed squatters rights. Governor Jerry Brown was so confused, he didn't know which group to pitch his tent with.
A graduate student at M.I.T. has patented a portable vacuum cleaner that's made out of the box it comes in. And for the really cost-conscious, prepackaged dust is available for a slight extra charge.
Michele Bachmann promises that if she ever becomes president, she'll have presidents Reagan, Garfield and Coolidge added to Mt. Rushmore. And she says they'll be carved by a real sculptor, not naturally formed like the present ones.
A crowd of Wall Street protesters camped in a Sacramento park clashed with a group of homeless people who claimed squatters rights. Governor Jerry Brown was so confused, he didn't know which group to pitch his tent with.
FRI, SAT, SUN, November 11, 12, 13, 2011
After the Penn State Board of Trustees fired coach Joe Paterno for not reporting staff child abuse, Joe issued a formal statement of resignation -- but not before checking the instant replay of the trustees' press conference for loopholes.
Even at age 84, Joe is nothing if not resilient. He's already applied for and been hired to host the Academy Awards.
This scandal is the worst in Penn State history. The whole state is so ashamed, plans have been scrapped to re-issue a Christmas album by Fred Waring and the Pennsylvanians.
Supermodel Heidi Montag has signed with a major publisher to pen her memoirs. And she's already chosen a perfect title to titillate potential readers -- "Here's the Skinny."
Even at age 84, Joe is nothing if not resilient. He's already applied for and been hired to host the Academy Awards.
This scandal is the worst in Penn State history. The whole state is so ashamed, plans have been scrapped to re-issue a Christmas album by Fred Waring and the Pennsylvanians.
Supermodel Heidi Montag has signed with a major publisher to pen her memoirs. And she's already chosen a perfect title to titillate potential readers -- "Here's the Skinny."
THURSDAY, November 10, 2011
Speculation among royal-watchers in London is that Prince William's new wife Kate Middleton may be with child. No confirmation from the palace, but tell-tale signs persist. The couple recently hired a morning sickness lady-in-waiting.
To curb the spiraling stats on pregnancy and STDs, New York now issues middle school students a life-style "risk card." Risks include heavy petting . . . pre-marital sex. . . oral copulation . . . and enrolling at Penn State.
Chanel has debuted a new perfume entitled "Jersey." Some may find the new fragrance vaguely familiar. It smells like Chanel No. 5 that's had a body floating in it.
The CIA monitors five million tweets a day looking for suspicious communications. They're constantly on the alert for buzz words that could mean trouble -- like "bomb". . . "Allah" . . . "jihad". . . "I.E.D.". . . "Snooki. . .
To curb the spiraling stats on pregnancy and STDs, New York now issues middle school students a life-style "risk card." Risks include heavy petting . . . pre-marital sex. . . oral copulation . . . and enrolling at Penn State.
Chanel has debuted a new perfume entitled "Jersey." Some may find the new fragrance vaguely familiar. It smells like Chanel No. 5 that's had a body floating in it.
The CIA monitors five million tweets a day looking for suspicious communications. They're constantly on the alert for buzz words that could mean trouble -- like "bomb". . . "Allah" . . . "jihad". . . "I.E.D.". . . "Snooki. . .
WEDNESDAY, November 9, 2011
A jury in Los Angeles found Dr. Conrad Murray guilty of voluntary manslaughter in the death of Michael Jackson. Afterward on the steps of the courthouse, one of the jurors told a reporter it was the prosecutor's poetry that insured conviction -- "If the IV fit, you can't acquit."
L.A. firemen were called out to extinguish a blaze at the famed Magic Castle, the well-known headquarters of the world's leading magicians. Three firefighters were treated for smoke inhalation, two were levitated and one was sawed in half.
The legendary department store Macy's in New York's Herald Square is boasting that it has the world's largest shoe department with 39,000 square feet. Sounds great if your feet happen to be square.
Due to massive budget cuts, city fathers in Smithfield, North Carolina refused to authorize funds to provide their police department with gasoline for their cruisers. Now when dignitaries are welcomed to Springfield, they get a skateboard escort.
L.A. firemen were called out to extinguish a blaze at the famed Magic Castle, the well-known headquarters of the world's leading magicians. Three firefighters were treated for smoke inhalation, two were levitated and one was sawed in half.
The legendary department store Macy's in New York's Herald Square is boasting that it has the world's largest shoe department with 39,000 square feet. Sounds great if your feet happen to be square.
Due to massive budget cuts, city fathers in Smithfield, North Carolina refused to authorize funds to provide their police department with gasoline for their cruisers. Now when dignitaries are welcomed to Springfield, they get a skateboard escort.
TUESDAY, November 8, 2011
Archaeologists in Patagonia found fossils believed to have belonged to a sabre-toothed squirrel that lived 93 million years ago. At first, they wondered why a squirrel would need such sharp teeth -- then they discovered Fred Flintstone was using him to crack walnuts.
The latest Bond film, "Skyfall,"is filming now for release in early 2012. Longtime fans of the series may be shocked to learn that the effects of the energy crisis have even reached Agent .007. For instance, his specially-equipped Aston-Martin has been replaced by a stripped-down Aston-Prius.
According to a survey of national driving habits conducted by Travel & Leisure Magazine, Miami, Florida boasts the worst drivers. Experts theorize that much of the erratic behavior on the road is the result of obstruction from handicapped parking permits hanging on rear-view mirrors.
Greek prime Minister George Papandreou may be sacked because of the country's economic collapse. Opposition party leaders say he worsened the debt crisis when he used his Olympic connections to place Greek currency on the Gold Medal Standard.
The latest Bond film, "Skyfall,"is filming now for release in early 2012. Longtime fans of the series may be shocked to learn that the effects of the energy crisis have even reached Agent .007. For instance, his specially-equipped Aston-Martin has been replaced by a stripped-down Aston-Prius.
According to a survey of national driving habits conducted by Travel & Leisure Magazine, Miami, Florida boasts the worst drivers. Experts theorize that much of the erratic behavior on the road is the result of obstruction from handicapped parking permits hanging on rear-view mirrors.
Greek prime Minister George Papandreou may be sacked because of the country's economic collapse. Opposition party leaders say he worsened the debt crisis when he used his Olympic connections to place Greek currency on the Gold Medal Standard.
MONDAY, November 7, 2011
Thick dense fog is being blamed for a horrendous pileup on the thruway outside London that demolished 37 automobiles, lorries and motorcycles. Americans expressed total shock at the devastation. No one suspected that the court would allow Lindsay Lohan to leave the country.
Cher is reportedly upset at the "Dancing With the Stars" judges who made fun of Chaz. Can't blame her. She's afraid it might harm sales of a new single she'll soon release honoring her son's sex-change operation -- "I Got Rid of You, Babe."
New York City's Nighthawk Cinema is the first theater in the state to offer patrons cocktails during screenings. The price may discourage sales, though -- there's a 20-bags of popcorn minimum.
Pro golfer Erik Compton convinced the P.G.A. to allow him to join the Tour even though he's had two heart transplants. They made an exception to the 14-club-per-bag maximum. He'll be allowed to carry two paddles.
Cher is reportedly upset at the "Dancing With the Stars" judges who made fun of Chaz. Can't blame her. She's afraid it might harm sales of a new single she'll soon release honoring her son's sex-change operation -- "I Got Rid of You, Babe."
New York City's Nighthawk Cinema is the first theater in the state to offer patrons cocktails during screenings. The price may discourage sales, though -- there's a 20-bags of popcorn minimum.
Pro golfer Erik Compton convinced the P.G.A. to allow him to join the Tour even though he's had two heart transplants. They made an exception to the 14-club-per-bag maximum. He'll be allowed to carry two paddles.
FRI, SAT, SUN, November 4, 5, 6, 2011
Friends and relatives were shocked when Kim Kardashian filed for divorce from her husband of seventy-two days, Kris Humphries. Some welcome news, though, for guests who bought gifts. The couple was registered at "Bed, Bath & If It Doesn't Last Beyond 90-Days You Get a Refund."
A Polish airline pilot is being hailed as a hero after he belly-landed his disabled jetliner in Warsaw. Setting down there wasn't his first choice but air controllers convinced him that he'd run short of fuel before reaching the Hudson River.
Lindsay Lohan has agreed to appear nude in Playboy Magazine for $1 million. She did impose a few conditions, though. The centerfold has to be arranged in such a way that one of the staples covers her ankle bracelet.
Four men aged 65 to 73 were arrested in Gainesville, Florida and charged with domestic terrorism. Seems they were plotting to destroy the national headquarters of A.A.R.P. using pipe bombs stuffed with Metamucil.
A Polish airline pilot is being hailed as a hero after he belly-landed his disabled jetliner in Warsaw. Setting down there wasn't his first choice but air controllers convinced him that he'd run short of fuel before reaching the Hudson River.
Lindsay Lohan has agreed to appear nude in Playboy Magazine for $1 million. She did impose a few conditions, though. The centerfold has to be arranged in such a way that one of the staples covers her ankle bracelet.
Four men aged 65 to 73 were arrested in Gainesville, Florida and charged with domestic terrorism. Seems they were plotting to destroy the national headquarters of A.A.R.P. using pipe bombs stuffed with Metamucil.
THURSDAY, November 3, 2011
Following the interview of Ruth Madoff on "60 Minutes," Larry King confided to a reporter that he holds no ill will toward Bernie since he recovered all of his $700,000 investment. Of course, Larry has kind of an inside track. He went to grammar school with Charlie Ponzi.
The producers of the new Antonio Bandaras starrer "Puss N Boots" used cutting-edge digital motion software to duplicate exactly a feline's natural movements. There's an intermission halfway through the film when Puss regurgitates a giant hair ball.
The re-release of the six "Star Wars" movies on Blu-Ray raked in $38 million during its first week. That's the good news. The bad news is that in the Blue-ray version, Carrie Fisher's hair looks even more like a helmet.
Is nothing safe anymore? There's a new warning that sugar-free chewing gum can damage teeth. They discovered it strictly by accident when someone noticed that a wad of it was eating through the metal on the bottom of a theater seat.
The producers of the new Antonio Bandaras starrer "Puss N Boots" used cutting-edge digital motion software to duplicate exactly a feline's natural movements. There's an intermission halfway through the film when Puss regurgitates a giant hair ball.
The re-release of the six "Star Wars" movies on Blu-Ray raked in $38 million during its first week. That's the good news. The bad news is that in the Blue-ray version, Carrie Fisher's hair looks even more like a helmet.
Is nothing safe anymore? There's a new warning that sugar-free chewing gum can damage teeth. They discovered it strictly by accident when someone noticed that a wad of it was eating through the metal on the bottom of a theater seat.
WEDNESDAY, November 2, 2011
McDonald's is planning to reintroduce the once-popular McRib Sandwich at most of its
franchises. It's part of a new program designed to insure that no animal parts go to waste. In the
coming months, watch for the "McUdder" and the "McHoof."
L.A. firemen were called out to extinguish a blaze at the famed Magic Castle, the well-known
headquarters of the world's leading magicians. Three firefighters were treated for smoke
inhalation, two were levitated and one was sawed in half.
China's Ministry of Culture issued a blanket ban on all reality TV programming deemed to be
"overly entertaining." First to go was the widely popular "Survivor:Taiwan" in which contestants
voted off the island were shot.
According to a census of the earth commissioned by the United Nations, the world is now the
home of seven billion human beings. And do you think I can get just one of them to show up and
install my new cable TV?
franchises. It's part of a new program designed to insure that no animal parts go to waste. In the
coming months, watch for the "McUdder" and the "McHoof."
L.A. firemen were called out to extinguish a blaze at the famed Magic Castle, the well-known
headquarters of the world's leading magicians. Three firefighters were treated for smoke
inhalation, two were levitated and one was sawed in half.
China's Ministry of Culture issued a blanket ban on all reality TV programming deemed to be
"overly entertaining." First to go was the widely popular "Survivor:Taiwan" in which contestants
voted off the island were shot.
According to a census of the earth commissioned by the United Nations, the world is now the
home of seven billion human beings. And do you think I can get just one of them to show up and
install my new cable TV?
TUESDAY, November 1, 2011
Virgin Galactic Airlines' Sir Richard Branson is vowing to give his first civilian passengers an experience as close to a real astronaut's as possible -- hours of floating around weightless sipping Tang while wearing a custom-fitted space suit with a built-in catheter.
A public cleanliness survey conducted by Kleenex-maker Kimberly-Clark shows that handles on gas pumps contain more bacteria than public toilets. That tub of dirty windshield squeegee water is highly suspect, too. Last week, the one I was using had tadpoles in it.
After being killed by anti-government rebels, the body of former Libyan dictator Moammar Qaddafi was put on display in a popular Tripoli shopping mall. Quite a sight. They propped him up between Mrs. Field's Cookies and The Gap which was running a sale on medals.
To help speed up their security check-in, the TSA has devised special tests for airline pilots -- walking a straight line, standing on one foot with their eyes closed while touching their nose, and blowing into a balloon.
A public cleanliness survey conducted by Kleenex-maker Kimberly-Clark shows that handles on gas pumps contain more bacteria than public toilets. That tub of dirty windshield squeegee water is highly suspect, too. Last week, the one I was using had tadpoles in it.
After being killed by anti-government rebels, the body of former Libyan dictator Moammar Qaddafi was put on display in a popular Tripoli shopping mall. Quite a sight. They propped him up between Mrs. Field's Cookies and The Gap which was running a sale on medals.
To help speed up their security check-in, the TSA has devised special tests for airline pilots -- walking a straight line, standing on one foot with their eyes closed while touching their nose, and blowing into a balloon.
MONDAY, October 31, 2011
McDonald's now has a closed-circuit TV channel that delivers kid-friendly programming to its franchises. So far the program lineup includes "The Egg McMuppets," "Big Mac & Molly," and "The McView."
Ashton Kutcher is in hot water with wife Demi Moore. Four starlets claim they Jacuzzied naked with Charlie Sheen's "Two and a Half Men" replacement. Big mistake coming home with bubble bath on his breath.
"Moneyball," the peanuts and Cracker Jack epic starring Brad Pitt as the General Manager of the Oakland A's, may well be the most realistic baseball film ever made. It's so authentic, the theater where I saw it had an organ and a seventh inning stretch.
Troy Polamalu, defensive back for the Pittsburgh Steelers, recently drew a $10,000 fine for calling his wife on his cell phone during a game. And he almost got away with it. He shouldn't have switched to speaker-phone in the huddle.
Ashton Kutcher is in hot water with wife Demi Moore. Four starlets claim they Jacuzzied naked with Charlie Sheen's "Two and a Half Men" replacement. Big mistake coming home with bubble bath on his breath.
"Moneyball," the peanuts and Cracker Jack epic starring Brad Pitt as the General Manager of the Oakland A's, may well be the most realistic baseball film ever made. It's so authentic, the theater where I saw it had an organ and a seventh inning stretch.
Troy Polamalu, defensive back for the Pittsburgh Steelers, recently drew a $10,000 fine for calling his wife on his cell phone during a game. And he almost got away with it. He shouldn't have switched to speaker-phone in the huddle.
FRI, SAT, SUN, October 28, 29, 30, 2011
For the second consecutive year, Michael Jackson topped the Forbes list of dead-celebrity wage earners at $170 million. A new sub-category of celebrities whose careers are dead but who still make money included Lindsay Lohan, Andy Dick and Michael Richards.
Denver Broncos quarterback Tim Tebow supports a pledge of pre-marital abstinence for unmarried young adults. He's really religious. His snap calls usually sound something like "Matthew 13:24... Corinthians 22:12... Leviticus 19:33... hike!"
At the direction of Congress, the U.S. State Department will issue a visa to any immigrant who agrees to buy a home here worth at least $500,000. Already, they're facing their first dilemma -- do they let Roman Polanski back in or not?
To teach Lindsay Lohan that her parole violations just won't be tolerated, a judge ordered her to perform public service at the L.A. Morgue. More effective, really, would be a stint in the cold storage locker where the William Morris Agency stores the remains of dead movie careers.
Denver Broncos quarterback Tim Tebow supports a pledge of pre-marital abstinence for unmarried young adults. He's really religious. His snap calls usually sound something like "Matthew 13:24... Corinthians 22:12... Leviticus 19:33... hike!"
At the direction of Congress, the U.S. State Department will issue a visa to any immigrant who agrees to buy a home here worth at least $500,000. Already, they're facing their first dilemma -- do they let Roman Polanski back in or not?
To teach Lindsay Lohan that her parole violations just won't be tolerated, a judge ordered her to perform public service at the L.A. Morgue. More effective, really, would be a stint in the cold storage locker where the William Morris Agency stores the remains of dead movie careers.
THURSDAY, October 27, 2011
A letter written by Albert Einstein to a friend in New York recently sold for $40,000. Its value is contained in what itdiscloses. In it, the world-renowned physicist confesses that his Theory of Relativity was wrong. The formula should have read: E=MC Hammer.
A badly discolored molar with a large cavity that once belonged to John Lennon will soon be up for
auction. The certificate of Authenticity says it was extracted in Liverpool by his future wife who
was working at the time as "Painless Yoko."
Leaked reports from prison officials say Bernie Madoff has received life-threatening beatings from
his fellow convicts. But they're being described as "Ponzi Beatings" -- big burly cons on the
bottom are constantly being relieved by crazed lifers on top so they can go on indefinitely.
The U.S. Labor Department has partnered with Facebook to link employment opportunities with
anxious job-seekers. But the online opportunities aren't exactly primo -- escort services for women
and Guinea pigs in erectile dysfunction studies for men.
A badly discolored molar with a large cavity that once belonged to John Lennon will soon be up for
auction. The certificate of Authenticity says it was extracted in Liverpool by his future wife who
was working at the time as "Painless Yoko."
Leaked reports from prison officials say Bernie Madoff has received life-threatening beatings from
his fellow convicts. But they're being described as "Ponzi Beatings" -- big burly cons on the
bottom are constantly being relieved by crazed lifers on top so they can go on indefinitely.
The U.S. Labor Department has partnered with Facebook to link employment opportunities with
anxious job-seekers. But the online opportunities aren't exactly primo -- escort services for women
and Guinea pigs in erectile dysfunction studies for men.
WEDNESDAY, October 26, 2011
To mark the 125th birthday of the Statue of Liberty on October 28, five real-time web cams will be activated on her torch. Along with a view of New York Harbor, viewers can witness tourists being mugged, pockets being picked and wandering itinerants talking to themselves.
A driver for new York's Lickey Split Ice Cream was arrested for dispensing crack cocaine from his truck. And he was getting away with it, too, until one of the kids' parents tipped off the cops when he asked for $150 for a kilo of Rocky Road.
Bruce Willis may be a bit long in the tooth, but he's undertaken to star in yet another sequel to his biggest movie, "Die Hard." But it's not called "Die Hard 3." In deference to its star, it's called "Died From Hardening of the Arteries."
This week marks the 150th anniversary of the transcontinental telegraph that for the first time allowed instant communication over long distances. Not much has changed since. During the first week of operation, several Amish teenagers were cited for telegraphing their friends while buggying.
A driver for new York's Lickey Split Ice Cream was arrested for dispensing crack cocaine from his truck. And he was getting away with it, too, until one of the kids' parents tipped off the cops when he asked for $150 for a kilo of Rocky Road.
Bruce Willis may be a bit long in the tooth, but he's undertaken to star in yet another sequel to his biggest movie, "Die Hard." But it's not called "Die Hard 3." In deference to its star, it's called "Died From Hardening of the Arteries."
This week marks the 150th anniversary of the transcontinental telegraph that for the first time allowed instant communication over long distances. Not much has changed since. During the first week of operation, several Amish teenagers were cited for telegraphing their friends while buggying.
TUESDAY, October 25, 2011
Will and Jada Smith have been offered a part-ownership of the Philadelphia 76ers. According to reliable NBA insiders, it's part of a carefully crafted plan to lure Jack Nicholson away from the Lakers.
A panel of physicians and psychologists recommended that New York's Governor Andrew Cuomo approve state-paid sex change operations. If you thought Rent Control was bad, wait 'til the government controls your private parts.
Hard hit by the sinking economy, Medford Oregon's Rogue Valley International Airport has sought permission to place paid ads on their control tower. The air controllers recently rejected a substantial offer from "No-Doz" to have the product tattooed on their forehead.
Queen Elizabeth is on a tour of Australia. During her historic visit Down Under she'll meet with the Prime Minister to discuss the repatriation of aboriginal tribes, the establishment of a new Royal Navy training base in Perth and a Ladyship for Olivia Newton-John.
A panel of physicians and psychologists recommended that New York's Governor Andrew Cuomo approve state-paid sex change operations. If you thought Rent Control was bad, wait 'til the government controls your private parts.
Hard hit by the sinking economy, Medford Oregon's Rogue Valley International Airport has sought permission to place paid ads on their control tower. The air controllers recently rejected a substantial offer from "No-Doz" to have the product tattooed on their forehead.
Queen Elizabeth is on a tour of Australia. During her historic visit Down Under she'll meet with the Prime Minister to discuss the repatriation of aboriginal tribes, the establishment of a new Royal Navy training base in Perth and a Ladyship for Olivia Newton-John.
MONDAY, October 24, 2011
The World Series Texas Rangers/St. Louis Cardinals match up is heading for the lowest TV ratings in history. Network executives are so desperate to attract
viewers, they've even considered inviting Roseanne Barr to sing the National Anthem.
Hard to believe that the Facebook virtual game "Farmville" is being made into a major motion picture. Harder to believe a porno version has been available
for some time -- "Debbie Does Old McDonald."
The U.S. Justice Department has instructed the F.B.I. to begin closing down medical marijuana dispensaries operating in California. They'll begin with a popular
chain co-owned by Cheech, Chong, Willie Nelson and Woody Harrelson called "Dooby World."
A Detroit man used his nine-year old daughter as his "designated driver" after he removed himself from behind the wheel drunk. Could have been a lot worse.
If they were in Mississippi, the girl would have been his wife.
viewers, they've even considered inviting Roseanne Barr to sing the National Anthem.
Hard to believe that the Facebook virtual game "Farmville" is being made into a major motion picture. Harder to believe a porno version has been available
for some time -- "Debbie Does Old McDonald."
The U.S. Justice Department has instructed the F.B.I. to begin closing down medical marijuana dispensaries operating in California. They'll begin with a popular
chain co-owned by Cheech, Chong, Willie Nelson and Woody Harrelson called "Dooby World."
A Detroit man used his nine-year old daughter as his "designated driver" after he removed himself from behind the wheel drunk. Could have been a lot worse.
If they were in Mississippi, the girl would have been his wife.
FRI, SAT, SUN, October 21, 22, 23, 2011
Second Amendment activists in Georgia filed a federal lawsuit to affirm their right to carry their guns in church. Their crack team of NRA constitutional lawyers claim to have supporting biblical quotes from Matthew, Mark, Smith and Wesson.
Bruce Willis is doing another "Die Hard" sequel, but longtime fans may notice some subtle plot adjustments to accommodate his advancing years. For instance, there's still a heart-pounding chase scene -- but this one takes place on a wheel-chair ramp at a Veteran's Administration rehab clinic.
You know, kids are really inventive. Some of the cleverest discovered that they can soak Gummy Bears in vodka to munch in front of unsuspecting parents. Which might explain the growing popularity of the Betty Ford Day Care Center.
Congress is considering a bill banning over-the-counter asthma inhalers because they contribute to air pollution. The government is getting too touchy about what goes into our lungs. Did you know you can't even give someone mouth-to-mouth resuscitation without a special permit from the EPA?
Bruce Willis is doing another "Die Hard" sequel, but longtime fans may notice some subtle plot adjustments to accommodate his advancing years. For instance, there's still a heart-pounding chase scene -- but this one takes place on a wheel-chair ramp at a Veteran's Administration rehab clinic.
You know, kids are really inventive. Some of the cleverest discovered that they can soak Gummy Bears in vodka to munch in front of unsuspecting parents. Which might explain the growing popularity of the Betty Ford Day Care Center.
Congress is considering a bill banning over-the-counter asthma inhalers because they contribute to air pollution. The government is getting too touchy about what goes into our lungs. Did you know you can't even give someone mouth-to-mouth resuscitation without a special permit from the EPA?
THURSDAY, October 20, 2011
After months of legal wrangling, all of which was covered extensively on the sports pages, Dodger owners Frank and Jamie McCourt have arrived at a settlement. Must be a religious connotation to this. During a recent Dodger game, white smoke rose over the Cardinal dugout.
In Montreal, 100-year old British runner Fauja Singh became the oldest person in history to complete a marathon. That's the good news. The bad news is he was disqualified for using a cane.
The Bronx Zoo has an exhibit featuring the world's rarest insects and rodents. It's mainly popular among the millions of tourists who flock to New York each year. Native New Yorkers don't need to travel to the zoo to examine bugs -- they can just look at their sheets.
A study commissioned by the National Highway Safety Council shows that new teenage drivers face a 50% greater chance of wrecking the family car during their first month behind the wheel. Which finally explains the sudden rash of girls quitting high school to marry tow-truck drivers.
In Montreal, 100-year old British runner Fauja Singh became the oldest person in history to complete a marathon. That's the good news. The bad news is he was disqualified for using a cane.
The Bronx Zoo has an exhibit featuring the world's rarest insects and rodents. It's mainly popular among the millions of tourists who flock to New York each year. Native New Yorkers don't need to travel to the zoo to examine bugs -- they can just look at their sheets.
A study commissioned by the National Highway Safety Council shows that new teenage drivers face a 50% greater chance of wrecking the family car during their first month behind the wheel. Which finally explains the sudden rash of girls quitting high school to marry tow-truck drivers.
WEDNESDAY, October 19, 2011
After losing Gatorade, AT&T, Gillette and others who all bailed when his marital infidelities came to light, Tiger Woods is ecstatic over his new endorsement deal with Rolex high-end timepieces. His first TV commercial will be for the new Rolex Oyster Philanderer.
After years of turning down thousands of Cuban immigrants living in Miami, the State Department has relaxed restrictions on Americans visiting Cuba. Which may not mean much to you, but Luci Arnaz can now visit the statue of her dad in Havana's Plaza de Ricky Ricardo.
This year's Nobel Prize winners impressed the judges with a theory that our planet is heading for a life-ending cataclysmic explosion. They came up with their hypothesis after careful study of the earth's melting crust, the expansion of volcanic gasses and Mel Gibson's divorce.
Gibson Guitar CEO Henry Juszkiewicz condemned federal agents for charging his company with using wood illegally obtained. It's the worst thing to happen to Gibson since termites found in the drying kiln were traced to the CEO of Fender.
After years of turning down thousands of Cuban immigrants living in Miami, the State Department has relaxed restrictions on Americans visiting Cuba. Which may not mean much to you, but Luci Arnaz can now visit the statue of her dad in Havana's Plaza de Ricky Ricardo.
This year's Nobel Prize winners impressed the judges with a theory that our planet is heading for a life-ending cataclysmic explosion. They came up with their hypothesis after careful study of the earth's melting crust, the expansion of volcanic gasses and Mel Gibson's divorce.
Gibson Guitar CEO Henry Juszkiewicz condemned federal agents for charging his company with using wood illegally obtained. It's the worst thing to happen to Gibson since termites found in the drying kiln were traced to the CEO of Fender.
TUESDAY, October 18, 2011
California governor Jerry Brown has signed a law that provides college subsidies to children of illegal aliens. It was either that or see his lawns go unmowed, his pool go unskimmed, his favorite restaurant table go uncleared, his vegetables go unpicked, his pizzas go undelivered, his. . .
Alabama drug enforcement officials were stunned when they busted a female crack cocaine dealer who turned out to be 80-years old. Unfortunately, she already had a rap sheet that includes drug possession and distribution and three convictions for felony Bingo fraud.
The U.S. government is now stuck with 248,000 foreclosed Fanny Mae and Freddy Mac-financed homes. No doubt about it, Fanny and Freddy left a trail of destruction behind them that makes Bonnie and Clyde look like Donny and Marie.
The former police chief of crime-ridden Oakland, California has taken a security job at Harvard University. He's going from drive-by shootings and drug deal murders to wearing socks with Sperry Top-Siders and seersucker after September 1.
Alabama drug enforcement officials were stunned when they busted a female crack cocaine dealer who turned out to be 80-years old. Unfortunately, she already had a rap sheet that includes drug possession and distribution and three convictions for felony Bingo fraud.
The U.S. government is now stuck with 248,000 foreclosed Fanny Mae and Freddy Mac-financed homes. No doubt about it, Fanny and Freddy left a trail of destruction behind them that makes Bonnie and Clyde look like Donny and Marie.
The former police chief of crime-ridden Oakland, California has taken a security job at Harvard University. He's going from drive-by shootings and drug deal murders to wearing socks with Sperry Top-Siders and seersucker after September 1.
MONDAY, October 17, 2011
An investigation has confirmed that several popular pitchers with the Red Socks drank beer during games last season. They would have gotten away with it, too, if the manager hadn't noticed the Jacuzzi they were soaking their arms in had a head on it.
Target Stores, Inc. has become the first national retailer to produce a lighter, easier-to-navigate shopping cart. Best new improvement are the in-line, replaceable rubber wheels -- available at a substantial discount -- at Target.
WBC light-heavyweight champion Bernard Hopkins, who successfully defended his crown against Chad Dawson, is the oldest title-holder ever. In fact, he goes so far back, in his first match he had to share the ring with several lions and a Christian.
Bank of America is now charging $5 per month for a debit card -- but not without a loud outcry from longtime depositors. They may make them pay to access their own money, but they're not completely heartless. They also offer a $3 card that allows them to visit their money.
Target Stores, Inc. has become the first national retailer to produce a lighter, easier-to-navigate shopping cart. Best new improvement are the in-line, replaceable rubber wheels -- available at a substantial discount -- at Target.
WBC light-heavyweight champion Bernard Hopkins, who successfully defended his crown against Chad Dawson, is the oldest title-holder ever. In fact, he goes so far back, in his first match he had to share the ring with several lions and a Christian.
Bank of America is now charging $5 per month for a debit card -- but not without a loud outcry from longtime depositors. They may make them pay to access their own money, but they're not completely heartless. They also offer a $3 card that allows them to visit their money.
FRI, SAT, SUN, October 14, 15, 16, 2011
Hank Williams, Jr. made a reference to Hitler while excoriating Barack Obama and immediately lost his job as opening singer on Monday Night Football. They we're a tad unfeeling in notifying him. The six-word telegram read: "Are you ready for some unemployment?"
Herman Cain, once considered unelectable, has surged ahead of Mitt Romney and Rick Perry in the polls. Apparently he's bringing some formerly undecided independents out of the woodwork that some TV pundits have nicknamed "Herman's Hermits."
The pastor of Kansas City's Westboro Baptist Church urged his followers to picket Steve Jobs' funeral because he "failed to give God glory." He's just mad because Steve commandeered the apple Adam took a bite out of and parlayed it into the world's best-known corporate logo.
Several new generations will be introduced to 1960s super-thrush Madonna when she performs at the Super Bowl this year. She'll pay tribute to her original fans with a special "Early Bird Halftime" just for them.
Herman Cain, once considered unelectable, has surged ahead of Mitt Romney and Rick Perry in the polls. Apparently he's bringing some formerly undecided independents out of the woodwork that some TV pundits have nicknamed "Herman's Hermits."
The pastor of Kansas City's Westboro Baptist Church urged his followers to picket Steve Jobs' funeral because he "failed to give God glory." He's just mad because Steve commandeered the apple Adam took a bite out of and parlayed it into the world's best-known corporate logo.
Several new generations will be introduced to 1960s super-thrush Madonna when she performs at the Super Bowl this year. She'll pay tribute to her original fans with a special "Early Bird Halftime" just for them.
THURSDAY, October 13, 2011
Sharp-eyed net surfers have discovered several inaccuracies in the Dead Sea Scrolls recently put online in Israel. For instance, Jesus's dad never toured with the Carpenters, the Ten Commandments were never called the Ten Behavioral Guidelines and Lot's wife was turned into a pillar of salt, not Accent.
In London, Paul McCartney, 69, married the American heiress Nancy Shevell who's 51. Some fear their age difference may be a problem and they're probably right. Yesterday she said to him, "Will I still love you when? Paul, when I'm 65, you'll be dead."
A woman in Moscow who had "died" at age 49 suddenly woke up while lying in state. The KGB is investigating the doctor who signed her death certificate. As if Dr. Conrad Murray didn't already have enough legal trouble.
Tiger Woods, currently languishing at the lower depths of the PGA rankings list, has hired himself a new caddy. With the divorce and the endorsement losses, Tiger's having worse financial problems than anyone imagined. He told the new guy he'd have to provide his own pencil.
In London, Paul McCartney, 69, married the American heiress Nancy Shevell who's 51. Some fear their age difference may be a problem and they're probably right. Yesterday she said to him, "Will I still love you when? Paul, when I'm 65, you'll be dead."
A woman in Moscow who had "died" at age 49 suddenly woke up while lying in state. The KGB is investigating the doctor who signed her death certificate. As if Dr. Conrad Murray didn't already have enough legal trouble.
Tiger Woods, currently languishing at the lower depths of the PGA rankings list, has hired himself a new caddy. With the divorce and the endorsement losses, Tiger's having worse financial problems than anyone imagined. He told the new guy he'd have to provide his own pencil.
WEDNESDAY, October 12, 2011
According to the Retailers Association, this year's most popular Halloween costumes are Snookie and a zombie. One store is cashing in on the trend -- combining both into a getup they call the "Snombie" with plastic fangs that not only suck your blood but also test it for STDs.
During an interview on 60 Minutes, New York police Commissioner Ray Kelly disclosed that his department now has the capability of bringing down an airliner by ground-to-air missile. You have to admit that New York's Boys in Blue have come a long way since "Car 54, Where Are You?"
All major airlines will reduce their number of flights next year. Which means fewer flight attendants, fewer ticket agents and reservations clerks on duty. It also means fewer pilot pre-flight pick-me-ups at the airport cocktail lounge. The National Association of Distillers has already appealed to the F.A.A.
With decades of experience designing sympathy and get-well cards, Hallmark has expanded their line into cards for those who have recently lost jobs. Most are received by the newly-unemployed with appreciation -- with the possible exception of the pink ones.
During an interview on 60 Minutes, New York police Commissioner Ray Kelly disclosed that his department now has the capability of bringing down an airliner by ground-to-air missile. You have to admit that New York's Boys in Blue have come a long way since "Car 54, Where Are You?"
All major airlines will reduce their number of flights next year. Which means fewer flight attendants, fewer ticket agents and reservations clerks on duty. It also means fewer pilot pre-flight pick-me-ups at the airport cocktail lounge. The National Association of Distillers has already appealed to the F.A.A.
With decades of experience designing sympathy and get-well cards, Hallmark has expanded their line into cards for those who have recently lost jobs. Most are received by the newly-unemployed with appreciation -- with the possible exception of the pink ones.
TUESDAY, October 11, 2011
Hard to believe that Orlando's Disney World is celebrating its 40th anniversary. Staffers are in 24 -7 partying mode and the gifts to loyal employees are being opened with typical Disney glee -- including for Mickey Mouse another finger on each hand, for Minnie a pair of more stylish shoes and Pluto is sporting a new flea collar.
In his hometown in Austria, Arnold Schwarzenegger, movie hero and former California governor, now has a museum dedicated in his honor. It has three sections -- honoring his movie career, his political career -- and a special display of court subpoenas sponsored by the Domestic Workers of America.
British botanists and cardiologists have joined forces to develop a strain of "super-broccoli" that will help lower heart attack deaths in the UK. But not nutritionally. It has a stem that's digitally programmed to detect an abnormal arrhythmia and dial 911 on the victim's cell phone.
Alarmed by the nationwide rise in childhood obesity, educators in Michigan have proposed a law that will require monthly weight monitoring of all school children. Teachers should get ready for a new excuse -- "The dog ate my diet!"
In his hometown in Austria, Arnold Schwarzenegger, movie hero and former California governor, now has a museum dedicated in his honor. It has three sections -- honoring his movie career, his political career -- and a special display of court subpoenas sponsored by the Domestic Workers of America.
British botanists and cardiologists have joined forces to develop a strain of "super-broccoli" that will help lower heart attack deaths in the UK. But not nutritionally. It has a stem that's digitally programmed to detect an abnormal arrhythmia and dial 911 on the victim's cell phone.
Alarmed by the nationwide rise in childhood obesity, educators in Michigan have proposed a law that will require monthly weight monitoring of all school children. Teachers should get ready for a new excuse -- "The dog ate my diet!"
MONDAY, October 10, 2011
An internal government audit disclosed that the Office of Personnel Management has paid $600 million to deceased federal retirees since 2011. The Federal Retirement Board says they got the idea from the private sector. They claim to have credible evidence that CNN continued to pay Larry King after his untimely death in 1998.
According to friends who've read the first draft of Arnold Schwarzenegger's memoirs to be published next year, he confesses to having had even more children with his household help. In fact, he wanted Simon & Schuster to call the book "The Help," but they told him it was already taken.
Joining the Slinky and Mr. Potato Head, the makers of Rubic's Cube have applied for entry into the Toy Hall of Fame. May be rough going though. Longtime members Barbie, GI Joe, Chatty Cathy and the Cabbage Patch Kids are picketing to block the nomination.
After years of attending conventions and signing autographs from coast-to-coast, Star trekker Leonard Nemoy has sworn off meeting the fans. Friends say he was devastated to learn that "nemoy" in Klingon means "illigitimate son of Bill Shatner and Lt. Uhura."
According to friends who've read the first draft of Arnold Schwarzenegger's memoirs to be published next year, he confesses to having had even more children with his household help. In fact, he wanted Simon & Schuster to call the book "The Help," but they told him it was already taken.
Joining the Slinky and Mr. Potato Head, the makers of Rubic's Cube have applied for entry into the Toy Hall of Fame. May be rough going though. Longtime members Barbie, GI Joe, Chatty Cathy and the Cabbage Patch Kids are picketing to block the nomination.
After years of attending conventions and signing autographs from coast-to-coast, Star trekker Leonard Nemoy has sworn off meeting the fans. Friends say he was devastated to learn that "nemoy" in Klingon means "illigitimate son of Bill Shatner and Lt. Uhura."
FRI, SAT, SUN, October 7, 8, 9, 2011
NBC has given "The Playboy Club" the axe after only two episodes. Apparently, viewers found it was just too much trouble to wait for a bunch of virtual unknowns to take their clothes off when they could just switch over to "Dancing With the Stars" and watch Nancy Grace.
Amanda Knox is slowly becoming accustomed to being back in the U.S. after spending four years of virtual isolation in an Italian prison. She expressed surprise at how much President Obama's approval rating has plummeted and how different Charlie Sheen looks on "Two and Half Men."
Overcoming a centuries-old religious prohibition, women in Saudi Arabia have finally won the right to vote. Never known to overlook an opportunity to make a killing, Avon has begun marketing a new line of exotically scented dye for them to stick their finger in.
A restaurant called "Obama Fried Chicken" has opened in Beijing. The Chinese love to name food after American politicians. The same restaurant boasts that its Orange Chicken is "the color of John Boehner."
Amanda Knox is slowly becoming accustomed to being back in the U.S. after spending four years of virtual isolation in an Italian prison. She expressed surprise at how much President Obama's approval rating has plummeted and how different Charlie Sheen looks on "Two and Half Men."
Overcoming a centuries-old religious prohibition, women in Saudi Arabia have finally won the right to vote. Never known to overlook an opportunity to make a killing, Avon has begun marketing a new line of exotically scented dye for them to stick their finger in.
A restaurant called "Obama Fried Chicken" has opened in Beijing. The Chinese love to name food after American politicians. The same restaurant boasts that its Orange Chicken is "the color of John Boehner."
THURSDAY, October 6, 2011
American exchange student Amanda Knox has been freed after spending four years in an Italian prison on a murder conviction. Emerging from her dank cell into the bright Rome sunshine, she told reporters the first thing she plans to do is take a long, leisurely hike along the Iran-Iraq border.
The new baseball film "Moneyball" is about building a team with players who get on base a lot, not necessarily those who hit home runs. But the fans want the home run hitters. It would be like hiring romantic leads from a pool of guys who only get the bra strap undone.
Steven Spielberg is writing and directing a film based on the life of Abraham Lincoln. According to those who've read the script, he's integrating past successes into the plot. For instance, Abe is now assassinated by a Great White while he and his wife are watching the Aqua Show at Sea World.
Does NBA Commissioner David Stern realize the impact his threat to cancel next year's season means? Nike will have to stop making $195 basketball shoes -- Jack Nicholson may have to go back to Angelica Houston --- and without Kobe Bryant, De Beers says they'll have to declare bankruptcy.
The new baseball film "Moneyball" is about building a team with players who get on base a lot, not necessarily those who hit home runs. But the fans want the home run hitters. It would be like hiring romantic leads from a pool of guys who only get the bra strap undone.
Steven Spielberg is writing and directing a film based on the life of Abraham Lincoln. According to those who've read the script, he's integrating past successes into the plot. For instance, Abe is now assassinated by a Great White while he and his wife are watching the Aqua Show at Sea World.
Does NBA Commissioner David Stern realize the impact his threat to cancel next year's season means? Nike will have to stop making $195 basketball shoes -- Jack Nicholson may have to go back to Angelica Houston --- and without Kobe Bryant, De Beers says they'll have to declare bankruptcy.
WEDNESDAY, October 5, 2011
A government audit revealed that last year the Justice Department spent $4 million for sweets and pastries served at conferences they hosted. Wow. Those have to be the most costly government tarts since Gary Hart's and Bill Clinton's.
The Utah state legislature passed a measure requiring saloon-owners to install barriers to separate bartenders from patrons. Apparently it's a biblical requirement -- like their rule that all margarita glasses must be pre-salted in the Lake.
Award-winning celebrity chef Emeril Lagasse has signed with the Hallmark Channel to host a new cooking show featuring haute cuisine of the South. Hallmark will sponsor the as yet unnamed program, but they do have a motto -- "When You Care Enough to Deep-fry the Very Best."
Last week, Barack Obama was confronted by a heckler at LA's House of Blues. American citizens from coast-to-coast were shocked. With unemployment and the national debt at an all-time high, we have a president who's spending time in The House of Blues?
The Utah state legislature passed a measure requiring saloon-owners to install barriers to separate bartenders from patrons. Apparently it's a biblical requirement -- like their rule that all margarita glasses must be pre-salted in the Lake.
Award-winning celebrity chef Emeril Lagasse has signed with the Hallmark Channel to host a new cooking show featuring haute cuisine of the South. Hallmark will sponsor the as yet unnamed program, but they do have a motto -- "When You Care Enough to Deep-fry the Very Best."
Last week, Barack Obama was confronted by a heckler at LA's House of Blues. American citizens from coast-to-coast were shocked. With unemployment and the national debt at an all-time high, we have a president who's spending time in The House of Blues?
MONDAY, October 3, 2011
According to a recent study by Travel & Leisure Magazine, New York's Times Square is the world's most popular tourist attraction. The researchers discovered that tourists often cite attractions they've never been to, so they now have a more accurate method -- they ask the pickpockets.
A elk hunter armed with only a cross-bow was attacked by a grizzly bear near Yellowstone National Park. The guy would have been killed if Friar Tuck hadn't distracted him by twirling his rosary beads over his head.
Believe it or not, you can now study the Dead Sea Scrolls on the Internet. And after reading them, you can give them a "thumbs up," post a comment on Moses's wall, and become one of his followers.
To commemorate the anniversary of Henry Hudson's voyage up the Hudson River in 1611, people cheered a replica of his ship the Half Moon. It was named the Half Moon because from the distance, the people on shore thought it was a floating outhouse.
A elk hunter armed with only a cross-bow was attacked by a grizzly bear near Yellowstone National Park. The guy would have been killed if Friar Tuck hadn't distracted him by twirling his rosary beads over his head.
Believe it or not, you can now study the Dead Sea Scrolls on the Internet. And after reading them, you can give them a "thumbs up," post a comment on Moses's wall, and become one of his followers.
To commemorate the anniversary of Henry Hudson's voyage up the Hudson River in 1611, people cheered a replica of his ship the Half Moon. It was named the Half Moon because from the distance, the people on shore thought it was a floating outhouse.
FRI, SAT, SUN, September 30, October 1, 2, 2011
Ninety-two year old Andy Rooney will bid his fans adieu on Sunday's edition of 60 Minutes after 1,096"Visits From Andy Rooney" and three decades of complaining, kvetching, and harping about everything from gas prices tolong lines at the DMV.
* Andy has been around for so long, when he was hired the stopwatch at the start of the show was a sun dial.
* No one can say he's not exiting stage right with class. He's donated his typewriter to the Smithsonian Museum and his eyebrows to Sy Sperling's Institute of Hair.
A man in California shot his neighbor after the neighbor refused to redirect spotlights that were shining into the shooter's master bedroom. It wasn't the lights that pushed the guy over the edge -- it was those hand shadows of bunnies while he was trying to make love to his wife.
The first long-awaited Dreamliner has rolled off the Boeing assembly line, destined to join the fleet of All Nippon Airlines. The new aircraft features space-age technology and a completely re-configured cockpit with a tube that the pilot blows into and if he's not sober, the thing won't start.
* Andy has been around for so long, when he was hired the stopwatch at the start of the show was a sun dial.
* No one can say he's not exiting stage right with class. He's donated his typewriter to the Smithsonian Museum and his eyebrows to Sy Sperling's Institute of Hair.
A man in California shot his neighbor after the neighbor refused to redirect spotlights that were shining into the shooter's master bedroom. It wasn't the lights that pushed the guy over the edge -- it was those hand shadows of bunnies while he was trying to make love to his wife.
The first long-awaited Dreamliner has rolled off the Boeing assembly line, destined to join the fleet of All Nippon Airlines. The new aircraft features space-age technology and a completely re-configured cockpit with a tube that the pilot blows into and if he's not sober, the thing won't start.
HURSDAY, September 29, 2011
Four Manhattan subway stations now offer commuters free wi-fi. Could cost more than it's worth, though. Anyone who would get on a New York subway with a $2500 Apple laptop without a couple of $100 an hour, Blackwater-trained bodyguards is asking for it.
A Montgomery Alabama judge gives convicted defendants a choice of jail, a fine or a promise to attend church services every Sunday. He views it as an accurate test of what's more popular -- conjugal visits, Alexander Hamilton or Jesus.
CBS News has exposed several Indian tribes operating usurious loan companies online that are exempt from state or federal laws that control interest rates. Some loan contracts are so strict, they allow repayment only in rifles or firewater.
A factory in Americus, Georgia is making chopsticks and selling them to the Chinese. Taking coal o Newcastle, you say? Well, the Chinese have all of our money that pays for some of the tastiest food in the world. It's only fitting that we're allowed to help them eat it.
A Montgomery Alabama judge gives convicted defendants a choice of jail, a fine or a promise to attend church services every Sunday. He views it as an accurate test of what's more popular -- conjugal visits, Alexander Hamilton or Jesus.
CBS News has exposed several Indian tribes operating usurious loan companies online that are exempt from state or federal laws that control interest rates. Some loan contracts are so strict, they allow repayment only in rifles or firewater.
A factory in Americus, Georgia is making chopsticks and selling them to the Chinese. Taking coal o Newcastle, you say? Well, the Chinese have all of our money that pays for some of the tastiest food in the world. It's only fitting that we're allowed to help them eat it.
WEDNESDAY, September 28, 2011
The Tea Party plans to convene its own debt-reduction "super-committee" meeting prior to the GOP's. It will be held at a Miami Beach Denny's at the suggestion of Michelle Bachman. Denny's is so grateful, they named a new breakfast after her -- The "Grand Slam Thank You Ma'am."
Once the Queen of the Skies, Pan American World Airways is now the background for a TV series called "Pan Am." The trend toward using defunct American institutions as settings for TV shows may be catching on. The History Channel is working on two of them to be titled "Lehman Brothers" and "Morgan Stanley."
Long-distance swimmer Diana Nyad's third attempt to swim from Florida to Cuba was dashed after forty hours, thanks to life-threatening jellyfish stings. Not surprising since "nyad" is the Russian word for a Soviet cocktail made with brandy and white creme de menthe -- what we Americans call a "stinger."
The Census Bureau reports that 77% of commuters drive to work alone. Which is probably just as well. If they doubled up they'd have even more cash to squander on office collections for silly baby shower gifts, parties for retirees who'd rather just leave, and football pools that only the jocks in Shipping & Receiving ever win.
Once the Queen of the Skies, Pan American World Airways is now the background for a TV series called "Pan Am." The trend toward using defunct American institutions as settings for TV shows may be catching on. The History Channel is working on two of them to be titled "Lehman Brothers" and "Morgan Stanley."
Long-distance swimmer Diana Nyad's third attempt to swim from Florida to Cuba was dashed after forty hours, thanks to life-threatening jellyfish stings. Not surprising since "nyad" is the Russian word for a Soviet cocktail made with brandy and white creme de menthe -- what we Americans call a "stinger."
The Census Bureau reports that 77% of commuters drive to work alone. Which is probably just as well. If they doubled up they'd have even more cash to squander on office collections for silly baby shower gifts, parties for retirees who'd rather just leave, and football pools that only the jocks in Shipping & Receiving ever win.
TUESDAY, September 27, 2011
Einstein's theory that nothing is faster than the speed of light may be wrong. Atomic scientists have discovered a neutrino that is faster. To add insult to injury, Guinness has certified that there's something even faster than the neutrino -- Joy Behar's tongue.
Hackers invaded Scarlett Johansson's personal web site and have spread nude photos of her across the Internet. To add to her embarrassment, she took the photos herself with her cell phone. This has to be the worst thing to happen to a Scarlett since "Gone With the Wind."
Some upscale restaurants are now doing what was once unthinkable -- allowing patrons to make reservations on the Internet. One big drawback, though. Customers who do that usually find that their waiter is from Delhi and knows nothing but computer menus.
To illustrate their similarity, P.E.T.A. is now integrating photos of animals being mistreated with scenes from well-known porno movies. For instance, scenes from "Deep Throat" are combined with shots showing where chefs get goose liver pate.
Hackers invaded Scarlett Johansson's personal web site and have spread nude photos of her across the Internet. To add to her embarrassment, she took the photos herself with her cell phone. This has to be the worst thing to happen to a Scarlett since "Gone With the Wind."
Some upscale restaurants are now doing what was once unthinkable -- allowing patrons to make reservations on the Internet. One big drawback, though. Customers who do that usually find that their waiter is from Delhi and knows nothing but computer menus.
To illustrate their similarity, P.E.T.A. is now integrating photos of animals being mistreated with scenes from well-known porno movies. For instance, scenes from "Deep Throat" are combined with shots showing where chefs get goose liver pate.
MONDAY, September 26
German scientists in Berlin have developed an automobile that operates itself without the aid of a human driver. Unfortunately, it quickly seems top adapt the bad habits of its owner. Already, one was pulled over and arrested for driving under the influence of WD-40.
A woman airline passenger is suing Homeland Security because her Afro was searched at the Atlanta Airport. Their own fault. She probably wouldn't have objected if they hadn't used a pitchfork.
A couple on vacation in Colorado claimed they had no idea where $10 million worth of cocaine found in their rental car during a routine traffic stop came from. The name alone should have raised some suspicion -- "Across the Ally From the Alamo Car Rental"?
After an amazing 40 years and 10,463 episodes, ABC's "All My Children" is leaving the air. Fittingly, its replacement will be a cooking show called "The Chew," designed especially to teach the average "All My Children" fan how to get used to wearing dentures.
A woman airline passenger is suing Homeland Security because her Afro was searched at the Atlanta Airport. Their own fault. She probably wouldn't have objected if they hadn't used a pitchfork.
A couple on vacation in Colorado claimed they had no idea where $10 million worth of cocaine found in their rental car during a routine traffic stop came from. The name alone should have raised some suspicion -- "Across the Ally From the Alamo Car Rental"?
After an amazing 40 years and 10,463 episodes, ABC's "All My Children" is leaving the air. Fittingly, its replacement will be a cooking show called "The Chew," designed especially to teach the average "All My Children" fan how to get used to wearing dentures.
FRI, SAT, SUN, September 23, 24, 25, 2011
Faced with ever-increasing fan violence during games, the NFL will soon enforce a rule requiring that everyone entering the stadium undergo a pat-down search. They'll be looking for drugs, contraband, weapons -- and in the case of Tony Romo, broken bones.
Police in Berlin are investigating a man who emerged from the forest carrying a backpack and no identification. He proceeded to give the authorities a fantastic story. He says he was hiking with some other guys along the Iran-Iraq border, when suddenly, out of nowhere --
Oceanographers warn that they are finding dangerous levels of floating bacteria caused by rising ocean temperatures. If that doesn't keep you out of the water, let's put it this way: that's like Great Whites being replaced by schools of piranhas.
Police in Pennsylvania are investigating a man accused of defrauding hundreds of unsuspecting members of the Amish community. Seems he sold them overpriced buggies with, according to the police report "seats of genuine leather and isinglass windows you can roll right down in case there's a change in the weather."
Police in Berlin are investigating a man who emerged from the forest carrying a backpack and no identification. He proceeded to give the authorities a fantastic story. He says he was hiking with some other guys along the Iran-Iraq border, when suddenly, out of nowhere --
Oceanographers warn that they are finding dangerous levels of floating bacteria caused by rising ocean temperatures. If that doesn't keep you out of the water, let's put it this way: that's like Great Whites being replaced by schools of piranhas.
Police in Pennsylvania are investigating a man accused of defrauding hundreds of unsuspecting members of the Amish community. Seems he sold them overpriced buggies with, according to the police report "seats of genuine leather and isinglass windows you can roll right down in case there's a change in the weather."
THURSDAY, September 22, 2011
So far has Tiger Woods' star plummeted -- so low has he descended in the PGA rankings -- he may not qualify to play in his own tournament next month at the Sherwood Country Club. That's almost as professionally unthinkable as -- let's see -- it would be like "The View" having to go to a commercial because nobody could think of anything to say.
According to the latest batch of WikiLeaks disclosures, Saudi King Abdullah, who claims to be 82, is actually 92. Kings just seem to have difficulty keeping track of numbers. Larry keeps insisting he's had only four wives.
Former IMF chief Dominique Strauss-Kahn told French TV that he suffered from a "moral failing" when he assaulted a New York chambermaid. But you have to remember the French term for "moral failing" is "le comprimision ala moral" which, roughly translated means, "Undress. I'm on a coffee break."
Microsoft has released its long-anticipated Windows 8 operating system. According to a press release sent out to distributors by Bill Gates, the system's tech support has been completely upgraded and now includes complementary curry recipes.
According to the latest batch of WikiLeaks disclosures, Saudi King Abdullah, who claims to be 82, is actually 92. Kings just seem to have difficulty keeping track of numbers. Larry keeps insisting he's had only four wives.
Former IMF chief Dominique Strauss-Kahn told French TV that he suffered from a "moral failing" when he assaulted a New York chambermaid. But you have to remember the French term for "moral failing" is "le comprimision ala moral" which, roughly translated means, "Undress. I'm on a coffee break."
Microsoft has released its long-anticipated Windows 8 operating system. According to a press release sent out to distributors by Bill Gates, the system's tech support has been completely upgraded and now includes complementary curry recipes.
WEDNESDAY, September 21, 2011
At the Emmy Awards Sunday night, the Emmy for Best Actress in a Comedy went to Melissa McCarthy of the new sitcom "Mike and Molly." Actually, she suspected she would get the nod when she sat down down before the show and noticed one of the statuettes on the awards table was 30 pounds overweight.
Accepting her award for Best Actress in "Mildred Pierce," Kate Winslet thanked her co-star Guy Pearce who also won for Best Actor. She confessed that she hadn't been that excited on a movie set since her rumble seat scene with Leonardo DiCaprio in "Titanic."
Despite the ongoing struggle to control its anti-social elements, scientists have discovered that body odor is genetic. And archaeologists confirm that the problem has been with us since the dawn of man. They recently unearthed several Neanderthal skeletons that still had pine cones strapped under their arms.
According to the Department of Justice annual report on crime in the US, the stats show a whopping 12% decrease in drug offenses, assaults and domestic violence. The F.B.I. credits stricter enforcement of parole violations, the wobbly economy, and getting Charlie Sheen off the streets.
Accepting her award for Best Actress in "Mildred Pierce," Kate Winslet thanked her co-star Guy Pearce who also won for Best Actor. She confessed that she hadn't been that excited on a movie set since her rumble seat scene with Leonardo DiCaprio in "Titanic."
Despite the ongoing struggle to control its anti-social elements, scientists have discovered that body odor is genetic. And archaeologists confirm that the problem has been with us since the dawn of man. They recently unearthed several Neanderthal skeletons that still had pine cones strapped under their arms.
According to the Department of Justice annual report on crime in the US, the stats show a whopping 12% decrease in drug offenses, assaults and domestic violence. The F.B.I. credits stricter enforcement of parole violations, the wobbly economy, and getting Charlie Sheen off the streets.
TUESDAY, September 20, 2011
The influence of large corporations may extend as far back as biblical times. Archaeologists digging near the cradle of Christianity have discovered credible evidence that the Three Wise men were actually carrying gifts of stocks, bonds and negotiable securities from Goldman-Sachs, Franklin Templeton and Merck.
The San Francisco Board of Supervisors has banned "sexual contact between crowded passengers using public transportation..." Standing passengers must have one hand on the strap and may use the other to read a newspaper or operate a can of mace.
Ultra-luxury car maker Maserati has recalled 763 late model four-door Quattroporte sedans citing suspension problems. According to complaints voiced by numerous owners, the car has a tendency to turn into parking lots of restaurants which have fewer than five stars.
LA grocery clerks have struck major southern California supermarkets. Issues in dispute include management's refusal to pay higher wages, provide more inclusive medical coverage and to change the express line sign from "10 Items or Less" to the more grammatically correct "10 Items or Fewer."
The San Francisco Board of Supervisors has banned "sexual contact between crowded passengers using public transportation..." Standing passengers must have one hand on the strap and may use the other to read a newspaper or operate a can of mace.
Ultra-luxury car maker Maserati has recalled 763 late model four-door Quattroporte sedans citing suspension problems. According to complaints voiced by numerous owners, the car has a tendency to turn into parking lots of restaurants which have fewer than five stars.
LA grocery clerks have struck major southern California supermarkets. Issues in dispute include management's refusal to pay higher wages, provide more inclusive medical coverage and to change the express line sign from "10 Items or Less" to the more grammatically correct "10 Items or Fewer."
MONDAY, September 19, 2011
Baltimore's Edgar Allen Poe Museum may close due to budget cuts. A merger has been proposed between the Edgar Allen Poe House and the Winnie the Pooh Plaza financed by a new Hawaiian Restaurant to be called "Poe Pooh Paradise."
The unconventional LA Laker forward Ron Artest has had his name officially changed by the court to "Metta World Peace." He told the judge he's following the example of his twin sisters "Loretta and Henrietta End World Hunger."
"Drive," with Ryan Gosling and Cary Mulligan, is doing well despite the critics who decry the gratuitous violence that includes graphic scenes of humans being tortured, innocent bystanders being cut down by automatic weapons fire and Albert Brooks trying to climb out of his Mini-Cooper.
Police in Miami Beach arrested a driver who, according to witnesses, exposed himself using his car's sunroof. He told the arresting officers he was just following the instructions in the Owners' Manual under "Operating the Moon Roof."
The unconventional LA Laker forward Ron Artest has had his name officially changed by the court to "Metta World Peace." He told the judge he's following the example of his twin sisters "Loretta and Henrietta End World Hunger."
"Drive," with Ryan Gosling and Cary Mulligan, is doing well despite the critics who decry the gratuitous violence that includes graphic scenes of humans being tortured, innocent bystanders being cut down by automatic weapons fire and Albert Brooks trying to climb out of his Mini-Cooper.
Police in Miami Beach arrested a driver who, according to witnesses, exposed himself using his car's sunroof. He told the arresting officers he was just following the instructions in the Owners' Manual under "Operating the Moon Roof."
FRI, SAT, SUN, September 16, 17, 18, 2011
The Chicago Board of Health has cited Wrigley Field food vendors for multiple health violations. But the fans are taking it as good sports. Now after the seventh inning, they sing "... Buy me some peanuts and Cracker Jack... antibiotics for e.Coli attacks."
In California, San Diego State University has launched the first fully-accredited Center for Surf Research devoted entirely to the study of surfing. Qualified applicants can even earn a Ph. D but here the D stands for "Dude."
NASCAR's 14-year old driver, Katie Brice, must be really persuasive -- not only because she has to talk the officials into letting her race and convince her pit crew that she's a better driver than they are, but most of all because she has to talk her dad into giving her the keys to the car.
A new poll of blue-collar employees nationwide shows that 32% of them prefer working for a male superior and 22% favor a lady in charge. An investigation is underway of the 13% who said they'd settle for either -- as long as their disciplinary preferences include bondage.
In California, San Diego State University has launched the first fully-accredited Center for Surf Research devoted entirely to the study of surfing. Qualified applicants can even earn a Ph. D but here the D stands for "Dude."
NASCAR's 14-year old driver, Katie Brice, must be really persuasive -- not only because she has to talk the officials into letting her race and convince her pit crew that she's a better driver than they are, but most of all because she has to talk her dad into giving her the keys to the car.
A new poll of blue-collar employees nationwide shows that 32% of them prefer working for a male superior and 22% favor a lady in charge. An investigation is underway of the 13% who said they'd settle for either -- as long as their disciplinary preferences include bondage.
THURSDAY, September 15, 2011
Forking over one of the highest prices ever paid for a restaurant rating service, Google shelled out $200 million for Zagat. They weren't the only interested buyer. They had to outbid Charo who misread the offer and thought it said "Cugat."
The Professional Golfers Association has signed a nine-year contract with both CBS and NBC. Viewers may find the new deal a tad confusing, though. NBC will televise the first nine holes, and CBS the back nine.
Every major airline has instituted fare increases at least ten times since January. They're not all greedy, though. At Delta, if your luggage is overweight because it's stuffed with the extra cash needed for your ticket, it flies free.
Golden State Warriors coach Mark Jackson admits that a suspected marijuana dealer is a member of the church in which he serves as pastor. Maybe you've heard of it -- Our Lady of the Perpetual Munchies?
The Professional Golfers Association has signed a nine-year contract with both CBS and NBC. Viewers may find the new deal a tad confusing, though. NBC will televise the first nine holes, and CBS the back nine.
Every major airline has instituted fare increases at least ten times since January. They're not all greedy, though. At Delta, if your luggage is overweight because it's stuffed with the extra cash needed for your ticket, it flies free.
Golden State Warriors coach Mark Jackson admits that a suspected marijuana dealer is a member of the church in which he serves as pastor. Maybe you've heard of it -- Our Lady of the Perpetual Munchies?
WEDNESDAY, September 14, 2011
According to the National Automobile Association, Washington DC leads the nation in fender-benders. So many drivers there enjoy diplomatic immunity, they never have to pay for the damage. Instead of calling AAA, they call the UN.
Rightfully fearful of France's paparazzi, First Lady Carla Bruni insists that her child, due any day, will never be photographed. She must be serious. Recently she underwent amniocentesis and insisted her pediatrician use the images of a non-famous kid.
Cell phone manufacturer Nokia has a standing offer of $10,000 to anyone who can improve on its signature ring tone. Why don't they save the ten grand and just record the sound of a cash register?
Along with Meryl Streep and Neil Diamond, another recipient of this year's Kennedy Center Honors will be celebrated cellist Yo-Yo-Ma. He will be introduced by Oh-Oh-Oprah.
Rightfully fearful of France's paparazzi, First Lady Carla Bruni insists that her child, due any day, will never be photographed. She must be serious. Recently she underwent amniocentesis and insisted her pediatrician use the images of a non-famous kid.
Cell phone manufacturer Nokia has a standing offer of $10,000 to anyone who can improve on its signature ring tone. Why don't they save the ten grand and just record the sound of a cash register?
Along with Meryl Streep and Neil Diamond, another recipient of this year's Kennedy Center Honors will be celebrated cellist Yo-Yo-Ma. He will be introduced by Oh-Oh-Oprah.
TUESDAY, September 13, 2011
"CONTAGION," starring Matt Damon, Gweneth Paltrow and Kate Winslet absolutely clobbered its opening weekend competition at the box office. But the dramatic tension isn't the search for a cure -- CDC entomologists find that right away. The suspense comes from watching the Food and Drug Administration put the vaccine through five years of needless testing.
The University of Massachusetts set a Guinness record by assembling and cooking a 4,000-pound stir-fry using 4,000 onions, 30,000 carrots, and 16,000 heads of lettuce. The chopsticks were donated by AT&T -- telephone poles.
Lifeguards closed Mission Beach after they thought they saw a Great White circling. There's a rational explanation for that. See, Kirstie Alley just bought a $10 million condo in a Malibu gated community and the Homeowners Association made her promise not to swim within sight of their beach.
Fourteen Muslim women wearing burkas were refused admittance to the roller coaster at New York's Play Land because their scarves could become tangled in the wheels. But they were placated when the park manager gave them fifteen free passes to the latest attraction "So You Wanna Be a Beekeeper?"
The University of Massachusetts set a Guinness record by assembling and cooking a 4,000-pound stir-fry using 4,000 onions, 30,000 carrots, and 16,000 heads of lettuce. The chopsticks were donated by AT&T -- telephone poles.
Lifeguards closed Mission Beach after they thought they saw a Great White circling. There's a rational explanation for that. See, Kirstie Alley just bought a $10 million condo in a Malibu gated community and the Homeowners Association made her promise not to swim within sight of their beach.
Fourteen Muslim women wearing burkas were refused admittance to the roller coaster at New York's Play Land because their scarves could become tangled in the wheels. But they were placated when the park manager gave them fifteen free passes to the latest attraction "So You Wanna Be a Beekeeper?"
MONDAY, September 12, 2011
Fisticuffs legend Oscar de la Hoya is out of rehab and has admitted that he was caught by the paparazzi last year wearing ladies undergarments. Actually, his name alone gave him away. "de la Hoya" is Spanish for "Do these trunks make me look fat?"
The Lifetime Channel has signed supermodel Molly Sims to host a new reality show called "Project Accessory," a spin-off of "Project Runway." The show will mark the first use of the newly-developed "Bulimi-Cam" which digitally adds 30 pounds to supermodels so viewers can see them.
Michael Moore confides in his new book that his bodyguards are retired Navy Seals. Actually, Michael employs lots of military personnel. He just hired the Army's 101st Airborne Division to provide the silk needed to make his cargo shorts.
Archaeologists digging in Egypt came up with a mummy whose brain had been removed. They're being careful not to make any rash conclusions, though. They've been gun shy ever since they found that mummy missing its asp and announced they'd discovered Cleopatra.
The Lifetime Channel has signed supermodel Molly Sims to host a new reality show called "Project Accessory," a spin-off of "Project Runway." The show will mark the first use of the newly-developed "Bulimi-Cam" which digitally adds 30 pounds to supermodels so viewers can see them.
Michael Moore confides in his new book that his bodyguards are retired Navy Seals. Actually, Michael employs lots of military personnel. He just hired the Army's 101st Airborne Division to provide the silk needed to make his cargo shorts.
Archaeologists digging in Egypt came up with a mummy whose brain had been removed. They're being careful not to make any rash conclusions, though. They've been gun shy ever since they found that mummy missing its asp and announced they'd discovered Cleopatra.
FRI, SAT, SUN, September 9, 10, 11, 2011
The family of John Wayne has authorized Heritage Auctions to sell of some of the Duke's memorabilia. Items expected to entice bidders include his leather football helmet from USC, the saddle he used in seven westerns and several stuffed pilgrims left over from "True Grit."
Hollywood insiders were shocked at the announcement that Eddie Murphy will host the Oscars. That's because Gumby has made nothing but clunkers lately like "Meet Dave" and "Adventures of Pluto Nash" -- which may be why the producers have asked him to wear his donkey costume from "Shrek."
"J. Edgar," a new film on the life of the FBI founder, opens this week with Leonardo DiCaprio as Hoover. Leo spent six months at Quantico, VA learning how to handle weapons, how to follow the Bureau's strict rules of evidence gathering, and how to look natural wearing ladies' underwear under his suit.
Wells Fargo has introduced a radical new debit card that will cost customers a flat fee of $3 per month. They're hoping that those who can't afford to pay the fee will put it on their Wells Fargo Credit card where it will generate an additional 22% interest.
Hollywood insiders were shocked at the announcement that Eddie Murphy will host the Oscars. That's because Gumby has made nothing but clunkers lately like "Meet Dave" and "Adventures of Pluto Nash" -- which may be why the producers have asked him to wear his donkey costume from "Shrek."
"J. Edgar," a new film on the life of the FBI founder, opens this week with Leonardo DiCaprio as Hoover. Leo spent six months at Quantico, VA learning how to handle weapons, how to follow the Bureau's strict rules of evidence gathering, and how to look natural wearing ladies' underwear under his suit.
Wells Fargo has introduced a radical new debit card that will cost customers a flat fee of $3 per month. They're hoping that those who can't afford to pay the fee will put it on their Wells Fargo Credit card where it will generate an additional 22% interest.
THURSDAY, September 8, 2011
For a guy who was known for wearing a flashy uniform with shiny medals, Moammar Kadaffi is turning out to be a wizard when it comes to blending in. Only a few spectators noticed when he stood between New Gingrich and Ron Paul at the Reagan Library on Wednesday night.
Firefighters in Texas stood by helplessly as water to fight the out-of-control wildfires ran out. It graphically recalls the ancient lament from The Ancient Mariner so familiar to every English major -- "Oil, oil everywhere and not a drop to squirt."
While his political credentials appear sound, Republican presidential candidate Jon Huntsman appears to have a name recognition problem. 84% of GOP voters surveyed identified the Huntsman as one of those all-purpose utility tools used by outdoorsmen.
Journeyman LA Laker Ron Artest predicts his team will win the 2012 NBA Championship. Yeah, sure. That's like, let's see... Joe Namath predicting the Jets would beat the Colts in Super Bowl III. Okay... bad example.
Firefighters in Texas stood by helplessly as water to fight the out-of-control wildfires ran out. It graphically recalls the ancient lament from The Ancient Mariner so familiar to every English major -- "Oil, oil everywhere and not a drop to squirt."
While his political credentials appear sound, Republican presidential candidate Jon Huntsman appears to have a name recognition problem. 84% of GOP voters surveyed identified the Huntsman as one of those all-purpose utility tools used by outdoorsmen.
Journeyman LA Laker Ron Artest predicts his team will win the 2012 NBA Championship. Yeah, sure. That's like, let's see... Joe Namath predicting the Jets would beat the Colts in Super Bowl III. Okay... bad example.
WEDNESDAY, September 7, 2011
Nabisco has launched a new cookie called the "Triple Double Oreo" -- three biscuits separated by vanilla and chocolate creme. Think Billy Crystal... Whoopie Goldberg... Robin Williams... and Eddie Murphy.
Australia's Foster's Beer is about to be taken over by rival brewer SABMiller. Foster's is an institution Down Under. In fact, when Aussie wives withhold sex because their husbands come home drunk, it's called a "Foster's Freeze."
Michael Vick is one lucky professional athlete. He hit the jackpot with Philadelphia Eagles management, signing a hundred million dollar ten-year deal even though he almost failed the league-mandated physical. He was recovering from a nasty case of kennel cough.
The divorce court has ruled that Mel Gibson must pay his ex-wife Oksana a $750,000 settlement. How was that figure arrived at? Well, the judge reviewed the audio tapes of his rants and decided to charge him $10,000 per racial epithet.
Australia's Foster's Beer is about to be taken over by rival brewer SABMiller. Foster's is an institution Down Under. In fact, when Aussie wives withhold sex because their husbands come home drunk, it's called a "Foster's Freeze."
Michael Vick is one lucky professional athlete. He hit the jackpot with Philadelphia Eagles management, signing a hundred million dollar ten-year deal even though he almost failed the league-mandated physical. He was recovering from a nasty case of kennel cough.
The divorce court has ruled that Mel Gibson must pay his ex-wife Oksana a $750,000 settlement. How was that figure arrived at? Well, the judge reviewed the audio tapes of his rants and decided to charge him $10,000 per racial epithet.
TUESDAY, August 6, 2011
Court guru Nancy Grace has been signed as a contestant on "Dancing With the Stars." She should be admired for her spunk, but she may be in for a rude shock. Practicing by dancing with your broom is one thing, but doing it with a human partner. . .?
Fans of the Jerry Lewis MDA telethon gathered at LA's Laugh factory to protest the abrupt and unfeeling dismissal of its host of 45 years. Meanwhile, MDA officials triumphantly announced that they may have finally discovered a cure for Jerry Lewis.
A state trooper in New Mexico was fired after a hearing determined he'd had sex on the hood of a suspected speeder's car. Evidence against him included a surveillance video, DNA samples and a distinct outline of a Ford Mustang hood ornament on his back.
Fans of Denver Broncos quarterback say he was benched because he's an outspoken born-again Christian. Could be a factor here. The Bronco's defensive coach claims he was demoted because he was tipping off the snap by saying "amen" at the end of every signal.
Fans of the Jerry Lewis MDA telethon gathered at LA's Laugh factory to protest the abrupt and unfeeling dismissal of its host of 45 years. Meanwhile, MDA officials triumphantly announced that they may have finally discovered a cure for Jerry Lewis.
A state trooper in New Mexico was fired after a hearing determined he'd had sex on the hood of a suspected speeder's car. Evidence against him included a surveillance video, DNA samples and a distinct outline of a Ford Mustang hood ornament on his back.
Fans of Denver Broncos quarterback say he was benched because he's an outspoken born-again Christian. Could be a factor here. The Bronco's defensive coach claims he was demoted because he was tipping off the snap by saying "amen" at the end of every signal.
LABOR DAY August 5, 2011
Customers expressed surprise when 7-Eleven began offering potato chips that taste like hot dogs. Actually, it's a long association that began back in 1989 when Laura Scudder married Oscar Meyer and soon gave birth to twins -- "Frito" and "Pringle."
A government survey reveals that since 9/11 airport screeners have failed to detect 25,000 banned items. Among the most overlooked were liquids like shampoo, aftershave, perfume and fifths of Jack Daniels carried aboard by pilots.
Actress Melissa Gilbert has divorced actor Bruce Boxleitner. Under terms of the settlement, he gets the beach house in Malibu, the three Mercedes sedans and the Riviera Club membership and she gets the Beverly Hills mansion, the Bentley and the little house behind the Little House on the Prairie.
A San Diego teenager was hospitalized after being attacked by a gang who shot an arrow through his shoulder. Apparently he's homeless. He told the cops his address is "Tree 614 Sherwood Forest."
A government survey reveals that since 9/11 airport screeners have failed to detect 25,000 banned items. Among the most overlooked were liquids like shampoo, aftershave, perfume and fifths of Jack Daniels carried aboard by pilots.
Actress Melissa Gilbert has divorced actor Bruce Boxleitner. Under terms of the settlement, he gets the beach house in Malibu, the three Mercedes sedans and the Riviera Club membership and she gets the Beverly Hills mansion, the Bentley and the little house behind the Little House on the Prairie.
A San Diego teenager was hospitalized after being attacked by a gang who shot an arrow through his shoulder. Apparently he's homeless. He told the cops his address is "Tree 614 Sherwood Forest."
FRI, SAT, SUN, September 2, 3, 4, 2011
Two burglars wearing fake Time-Warner Cable uniforms were arrested by LA cops. Police say it was the uniforms that caused neighbors to call them. Of course, even when a real cable installer shows up is suspicious enough to rate a call to 911.
The Little league team from Huntington Beach defeated Japan to win the World Series. Which just proves once again that a baseball team from southern California can win if the players aren't distracted by the owner's divorce.
Believed caused by the stress of her recent wedding, Kim Kardashian has developed the skin disease psoriasis. But in a way she's lucky. Her welts spell out the names of well-known designers.
House majority leader Eric Cantor is urging fellow GOP members to work with him to repeal liberal environmental laws that impede oil drilling and prevent new hiring. He's got lots of support. Most Republicans now call the Endangered Species list the "menu."
Archeologists digging in Kenya have unearthed axe heads made 1.76 million years ago, much earlier than previously thought. Some were extremely sophisticated. One had seven blades and a label scratched on the side that said "Swiss Army Ax."
The Little league team from Huntington Beach defeated Japan to win the World Series. Which just proves once again that a baseball team from southern California can win if the players aren't distracted by the owner's divorce.
Believed caused by the stress of her recent wedding, Kim Kardashian has developed the skin disease psoriasis. But in a way she's lucky. Her welts spell out the names of well-known designers.
House majority leader Eric Cantor is urging fellow GOP members to work with him to repeal liberal environmental laws that impede oil drilling and prevent new hiring. He's got lots of support. Most Republicans now call the Endangered Species list the "menu."
Archeologists digging in Kenya have unearthed axe heads made 1.76 million years ago, much earlier than previously thought. Some were extremely sophisticated. One had seven blades and a label scratched on the side that said "Swiss Army Ax."
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THE LAUGH MAKERS: A Leonard Maltin "Top 20" Year End Pick!
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BOB HOPE'S 1983 U.S. COLLEGE CAMPUS TOUR: Your Alma Mater Here?
"Having spent twenty years writing for the indefatigable Bob Hope, and traveling all over the world, Bob Mills is well qualified to salute the famous corps of gag men who kept the comedian knee-deep in jokes. These first-hand recollections summon up the final phase of Hope’s career—and the end of the trail for an entire brand of show business."
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WakiLeaks: History Declassified 2000 (Vol. One) is now available on Kindle for $2.99
Compiled from Bob's newsletter "Funnyside Up" published in 2000. This is a yuck and chuckle-filled stroll down memory lane to a time before the Bush administration had inflicted its damage -- a time before the search for WMDs and Osama bin Laden. See what we were laughing at back then, who was in the news and who had yet to enter rehab -- which NFL stars had yet to do time in the Gray Bar Hotel.
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And if you're not yet a Kindle owner, when you purchase your new lower-priced Kindle with a capacity of 3500 books, be sure to sign up for our daily blog so you won't miss one issue of the web's most entertaining and insightful comments on the day's events... or a single serialized installment of THE LAUGH MAKERS. Order your Kindle today!
WakiLeaks: History Declassified 2000 (Vol. One) is now available on Kindle for $2.99
Compiled from Bob's newsletter "Funnyside Up" published in 2000. This is a yuck and chuckle-filled stroll down memory lane to a time before the Bush administration had inflicted its damage -- a time before the search for WMDs and Osama bin Laden. See what we were laughing at back then, who was in the news and who had yet to enter rehab -- which NFL stars had yet to do time in the Gray Bar Hotel.
http://www.amazon.com/dp/B004IZLXIQ