NBC has given "The Playboy Club" the axe after only two episodes. Apparently, viewers found it was just too much trouble to wait for a bunch of virtual unknowns to take their clothes off when they could just switch over to "Dancing With the Stars" and watch Nancy Grace.
Amanda Knox is slowly becoming accustomed to being back in the U.S. after spending four years of virtual isolation in an Italian prison. She expressed surprise at how much President Obama's approval rating has plummeted and how different Charlie Sheen looks on "Two and Half Men."
Overcoming a centuries-old religious prohibition, women in Saudi Arabia have finally won the right to vote. Never known to overlook an opportunity to make a killing, Avon has begun marketing a new line of exotically scented dye for them to stick their finger in.
A restaurant called "Obama Fried Chicken" has opened in Beijing. The Chinese love to name food after American politicians. The same restaurant boasts that its Orange Chicken is "the color of John Boehner."
A Longtime Bob Hope Joke Writer Presents Daily Insightful Topical Satire Of Current Events (Illustrated) Plus Rare Photos From Hollywood's Bygone Era And Excerpts From THE LAUGH MAKERS By Robert L. Mills -- Color Photos From the Book and Rare Classic Vintage Video Clips! Send Your Show Biz Questions to "ASK BOB" at: TheLaughMakers@GMail.com
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THURSDAY, October 6, 2011
American exchange student Amanda Knox has been freed after spending four years in an Italian prison on a murder conviction. Emerging from her dank cell into the bright Rome sunshine, she told reporters the first thing she plans to do is take a long, leisurely hike along the Iran-Iraq border.
The new baseball film "Moneyball" is about building a team with players who get on base a lot, not necessarily those who hit home runs. But the fans want the home run hitters. It would be like hiring romantic leads from a pool of guys who only get the bra strap undone.
Steven Spielberg is writing and directing a film based on the life of Abraham Lincoln. According to those who've read the script, he's integrating past successes into the plot. For instance, Abe is now assassinated by a Great White while he and his wife are watching the Aqua Show at Sea World.
Does NBA Commissioner David Stern realize the impact his threat to cancel next year's season means? Nike will have to stop making $195 basketball shoes -- Jack Nicholson may have to go back to Angelica Houston --- and without Kobe Bryant, De Beers says they'll have to declare bankruptcy.
The new baseball film "Moneyball" is about building a team with players who get on base a lot, not necessarily those who hit home runs. But the fans want the home run hitters. It would be like hiring romantic leads from a pool of guys who only get the bra strap undone.
Steven Spielberg is writing and directing a film based on the life of Abraham Lincoln. According to those who've read the script, he's integrating past successes into the plot. For instance, Abe is now assassinated by a Great White while he and his wife are watching the Aqua Show at Sea World.
Does NBA Commissioner David Stern realize the impact his threat to cancel next year's season means? Nike will have to stop making $195 basketball shoes -- Jack Nicholson may have to go back to Angelica Houston --- and without Kobe Bryant, De Beers says they'll have to declare bankruptcy.
WEDNESDAY, October 5, 2011
A government audit revealed that last year the Justice Department spent $4 million for sweets and pastries served at conferences they hosted. Wow. Those have to be the most costly government tarts since Gary Hart's and Bill Clinton's.
The Utah state legislature passed a measure requiring saloon-owners to install barriers to separate bartenders from patrons. Apparently it's a biblical requirement -- like their rule that all margarita glasses must be pre-salted in the Lake.
Award-winning celebrity chef Emeril Lagasse has signed with the Hallmark Channel to host a new cooking show featuring haute cuisine of the South. Hallmark will sponsor the as yet unnamed program, but they do have a motto -- "When You Care Enough to Deep-fry the Very Best."
Last week, Barack Obama was confronted by a heckler at LA's House of Blues. American citizens from coast-to-coast were shocked. With unemployment and the national debt at an all-time high, we have a president who's spending time in The House of Blues?
The Utah state legislature passed a measure requiring saloon-owners to install barriers to separate bartenders from patrons. Apparently it's a biblical requirement -- like their rule that all margarita glasses must be pre-salted in the Lake.
Award-winning celebrity chef Emeril Lagasse has signed with the Hallmark Channel to host a new cooking show featuring haute cuisine of the South. Hallmark will sponsor the as yet unnamed program, but they do have a motto -- "When You Care Enough to Deep-fry the Very Best."
Last week, Barack Obama was confronted by a heckler at LA's House of Blues. American citizens from coast-to-coast were shocked. With unemployment and the national debt at an all-time high, we have a president who's spending time in The House of Blues?
MONDAY, October 3, 2011
According to a recent study by Travel & Leisure Magazine, New York's Times Square is the world's most popular tourist attraction. The researchers discovered that tourists often cite attractions they've never been to, so they now have a more accurate method -- they ask the pickpockets.
A elk hunter armed with only a cross-bow was attacked by a grizzly bear near Yellowstone National Park. The guy would have been killed if Friar Tuck hadn't distracted him by twirling his rosary beads over his head.
Believe it or not, you can now study the Dead Sea Scrolls on the Internet. And after reading them, you can give them a "thumbs up," post a comment on Moses's wall, and become one of his followers.
To commemorate the anniversary of Henry Hudson's voyage up the Hudson River in 1611, people cheered a replica of his ship the Half Moon. It was named the Half Moon because from the distance, the people on shore thought it was a floating outhouse.
A elk hunter armed with only a cross-bow was attacked by a grizzly bear near Yellowstone National Park. The guy would have been killed if Friar Tuck hadn't distracted him by twirling his rosary beads over his head.
Believe it or not, you can now study the Dead Sea Scrolls on the Internet. And after reading them, you can give them a "thumbs up," post a comment on Moses's wall, and become one of his followers.
To commemorate the anniversary of Henry Hudson's voyage up the Hudson River in 1611, people cheered a replica of his ship the Half Moon. It was named the Half Moon because from the distance, the people on shore thought it was a floating outhouse.
FRI, SAT, SUN, September 30, October 1, 2, 2011
Ninety-two year old Andy Rooney will bid his fans adieu on Sunday's edition of 60 Minutes after 1,096"Visits From Andy Rooney" and three decades of complaining, kvetching, and harping about everything from gas prices tolong lines at the DMV.
* Andy has been around for so long, when he was hired the stopwatch at the start of the show was a sun dial.
* No one can say he's not exiting stage right with class. He's donated his typewriter to the Smithsonian Museum and his eyebrows to Sy Sperling's Institute of Hair.
A man in California shot his neighbor after the neighbor refused to redirect spotlights that were shining into the shooter's master bedroom. It wasn't the lights that pushed the guy over the edge -- it was those hand shadows of bunnies while he was trying to make love to his wife.
The first long-awaited Dreamliner has rolled off the Boeing assembly line, destined to join the fleet of All Nippon Airlines. The new aircraft features space-age technology and a completely re-configured cockpit with a tube that the pilot blows into and if he's not sober, the thing won't start.
* Andy has been around for so long, when he was hired the stopwatch at the start of the show was a sun dial.
* No one can say he's not exiting stage right with class. He's donated his typewriter to the Smithsonian Museum and his eyebrows to Sy Sperling's Institute of Hair.
A man in California shot his neighbor after the neighbor refused to redirect spotlights that were shining into the shooter's master bedroom. It wasn't the lights that pushed the guy over the edge -- it was those hand shadows of bunnies while he was trying to make love to his wife.
The first long-awaited Dreamliner has rolled off the Boeing assembly line, destined to join the fleet of All Nippon Airlines. The new aircraft features space-age technology and a completely re-configured cockpit with a tube that the pilot blows into and if he's not sober, the thing won't start.
HURSDAY, September 29, 2011
Four Manhattan subway stations now offer commuters free wi-fi. Could cost more than it's worth, though. Anyone who would get on a New York subway with a $2500 Apple laptop without a couple of $100 an hour, Blackwater-trained bodyguards is asking for it.
A Montgomery Alabama judge gives convicted defendants a choice of jail, a fine or a promise to attend church services every Sunday. He views it as an accurate test of what's more popular -- conjugal visits, Alexander Hamilton or Jesus.
CBS News has exposed several Indian tribes operating usurious loan companies online that are exempt from state or federal laws that control interest rates. Some loan contracts are so strict, they allow repayment only in rifles or firewater.
A factory in Americus, Georgia is making chopsticks and selling them to the Chinese. Taking coal o Newcastle, you say? Well, the Chinese have all of our money that pays for some of the tastiest food in the world. It's only fitting that we're allowed to help them eat it.
A Montgomery Alabama judge gives convicted defendants a choice of jail, a fine or a promise to attend church services every Sunday. He views it as an accurate test of what's more popular -- conjugal visits, Alexander Hamilton or Jesus.
CBS News has exposed several Indian tribes operating usurious loan companies online that are exempt from state or federal laws that control interest rates. Some loan contracts are so strict, they allow repayment only in rifles or firewater.
A factory in Americus, Georgia is making chopsticks and selling them to the Chinese. Taking coal o Newcastle, you say? Well, the Chinese have all of our money that pays for some of the tastiest food in the world. It's only fitting that we're allowed to help them eat it.
WEDNESDAY, September 28, 2011
The Tea Party plans to convene its own debt-reduction "super-committee" meeting prior to the GOP's. It will be held at a Miami Beach Denny's at the suggestion of Michelle Bachman. Denny's is so grateful, they named a new breakfast after her -- The "Grand Slam Thank You Ma'am."
Once the Queen of the Skies, Pan American World Airways is now the background for a TV series called "Pan Am." The trend toward using defunct American institutions as settings for TV shows may be catching on. The History Channel is working on two of them to be titled "Lehman Brothers" and "Morgan Stanley."
Long-distance swimmer Diana Nyad's third attempt to swim from Florida to Cuba was dashed after forty hours, thanks to life-threatening jellyfish stings. Not surprising since "nyad" is the Russian word for a Soviet cocktail made with brandy and white creme de menthe -- what we Americans call a "stinger."
The Census Bureau reports that 77% of commuters drive to work alone. Which is probably just as well. If they doubled up they'd have even more cash to squander on office collections for silly baby shower gifts, parties for retirees who'd rather just leave, and football pools that only the jocks in Shipping & Receiving ever win.
Once the Queen of the Skies, Pan American World Airways is now the background for a TV series called "Pan Am." The trend toward using defunct American institutions as settings for TV shows may be catching on. The History Channel is working on two of them to be titled "Lehman Brothers" and "Morgan Stanley."
Long-distance swimmer Diana Nyad's third attempt to swim from Florida to Cuba was dashed after forty hours, thanks to life-threatening jellyfish stings. Not surprising since "nyad" is the Russian word for a Soviet cocktail made with brandy and white creme de menthe -- what we Americans call a "stinger."
The Census Bureau reports that 77% of commuters drive to work alone. Which is probably just as well. If they doubled up they'd have even more cash to squander on office collections for silly baby shower gifts, parties for retirees who'd rather just leave, and football pools that only the jocks in Shipping & Receiving ever win.
TUESDAY, September 27, 2011
Einstein's theory that nothing is faster than the speed of light may be wrong. Atomic scientists have discovered a neutrino that is faster. To add insult to injury, Guinness has certified that there's something even faster than the neutrino -- Joy Behar's tongue.
Hackers invaded Scarlett Johansson's personal web site and have spread nude photos of her across the Internet. To add to her embarrassment, she took the photos herself with her cell phone. This has to be the worst thing to happen to a Scarlett since "Gone With the Wind."
Some upscale restaurants are now doing what was once unthinkable -- allowing patrons to make reservations on the Internet. One big drawback, though. Customers who do that usually find that their waiter is from Delhi and knows nothing but computer menus.
To illustrate their similarity, P.E.T.A. is now integrating photos of animals being mistreated with scenes from well-known porno movies. For instance, scenes from "Deep Throat" are combined with shots showing where chefs get goose liver pate.
Hackers invaded Scarlett Johansson's personal web site and have spread nude photos of her across the Internet. To add to her embarrassment, she took the photos herself with her cell phone. This has to be the worst thing to happen to a Scarlett since "Gone With the Wind."
Some upscale restaurants are now doing what was once unthinkable -- allowing patrons to make reservations on the Internet. One big drawback, though. Customers who do that usually find that their waiter is from Delhi and knows nothing but computer menus.
To illustrate their similarity, P.E.T.A. is now integrating photos of animals being mistreated with scenes from well-known porno movies. For instance, scenes from "Deep Throat" are combined with shots showing where chefs get goose liver pate.
MONDAY, September 26
German scientists in Berlin have developed an automobile that operates itself without the aid of a human driver. Unfortunately, it quickly seems top adapt the bad habits of its owner. Already, one was pulled over and arrested for driving under the influence of WD-40.
A woman airline passenger is suing Homeland Security because her Afro was searched at the Atlanta Airport. Their own fault. She probably wouldn't have objected if they hadn't used a pitchfork.
A couple on vacation in Colorado claimed they had no idea where $10 million worth of cocaine found in their rental car during a routine traffic stop came from. The name alone should have raised some suspicion -- "Across the Ally From the Alamo Car Rental"?
After an amazing 40 years and 10,463 episodes, ABC's "All My Children" is leaving the air. Fittingly, its replacement will be a cooking show called "The Chew," designed especially to teach the average "All My Children" fan how to get used to wearing dentures.
A woman airline passenger is suing Homeland Security because her Afro was searched at the Atlanta Airport. Their own fault. She probably wouldn't have objected if they hadn't used a pitchfork.
A couple on vacation in Colorado claimed they had no idea where $10 million worth of cocaine found in their rental car during a routine traffic stop came from. The name alone should have raised some suspicion -- "Across the Ally From the Alamo Car Rental"?
After an amazing 40 years and 10,463 episodes, ABC's "All My Children" is leaving the air. Fittingly, its replacement will be a cooking show called "The Chew," designed especially to teach the average "All My Children" fan how to get used to wearing dentures.
FRI, SAT, SUN, September 23, 24, 25, 2011
Faced with ever-increasing fan violence during games, the NFL will soon enforce a rule requiring that everyone entering the stadium undergo a pat-down search. They'll be looking for drugs, contraband, weapons -- and in the case of Tony Romo, broken bones.
Police in Berlin are investigating a man who emerged from the forest carrying a backpack and no identification. He proceeded to give the authorities a fantastic story. He says he was hiking with some other guys along the Iran-Iraq border, when suddenly, out of nowhere --
Oceanographers warn that they are finding dangerous levels of floating bacteria caused by rising ocean temperatures. If that doesn't keep you out of the water, let's put it this way: that's like Great Whites being replaced by schools of piranhas.
Police in Pennsylvania are investigating a man accused of defrauding hundreds of unsuspecting members of the Amish community. Seems he sold them overpriced buggies with, according to the police report "seats of genuine leather and isinglass windows you can roll right down in case there's a change in the weather."
Police in Berlin are investigating a man who emerged from the forest carrying a backpack and no identification. He proceeded to give the authorities a fantastic story. He says he was hiking with some other guys along the Iran-Iraq border, when suddenly, out of nowhere --
Oceanographers warn that they are finding dangerous levels of floating bacteria caused by rising ocean temperatures. If that doesn't keep you out of the water, let's put it this way: that's like Great Whites being replaced by schools of piranhas.
Police in Pennsylvania are investigating a man accused of defrauding hundreds of unsuspecting members of the Amish community. Seems he sold them overpriced buggies with, according to the police report "seats of genuine leather and isinglass windows you can roll right down in case there's a change in the weather."
THURSDAY, September 22, 2011
So far has Tiger Woods' star plummeted -- so low has he descended in the PGA rankings -- he may not qualify to play in his own tournament next month at the Sherwood Country Club. That's almost as professionally unthinkable as -- let's see -- it would be like "The View" having to go to a commercial because nobody could think of anything to say.
According to the latest batch of WikiLeaks disclosures, Saudi King Abdullah, who claims to be 82, is actually 92. Kings just seem to have difficulty keeping track of numbers. Larry keeps insisting he's had only four wives.
Former IMF chief Dominique Strauss-Kahn told French TV that he suffered from a "moral failing" when he assaulted a New York chambermaid. But you have to remember the French term for "moral failing" is "le comprimision ala moral" which, roughly translated means, "Undress. I'm on a coffee break."
Microsoft has released its long-anticipated Windows 8 operating system. According to a press release sent out to distributors by Bill Gates, the system's tech support has been completely upgraded and now includes complementary curry recipes.
According to the latest batch of WikiLeaks disclosures, Saudi King Abdullah, who claims to be 82, is actually 92. Kings just seem to have difficulty keeping track of numbers. Larry keeps insisting he's had only four wives.
Former IMF chief Dominique Strauss-Kahn told French TV that he suffered from a "moral failing" when he assaulted a New York chambermaid. But you have to remember the French term for "moral failing" is "le comprimision ala moral" which, roughly translated means, "Undress. I'm on a coffee break."
Microsoft has released its long-anticipated Windows 8 operating system. According to a press release sent out to distributors by Bill Gates, the system's tech support has been completely upgraded and now includes complementary curry recipes.
WEDNESDAY, September 21, 2011
At the Emmy Awards Sunday night, the Emmy for Best Actress in a Comedy went to Melissa McCarthy of the new sitcom "Mike and Molly." Actually, she suspected she would get the nod when she sat down down before the show and noticed one of the statuettes on the awards table was 30 pounds overweight.
Accepting her award for Best Actress in "Mildred Pierce," Kate Winslet thanked her co-star Guy Pearce who also won for Best Actor. She confessed that she hadn't been that excited on a movie set since her rumble seat scene with Leonardo DiCaprio in "Titanic."
Despite the ongoing struggle to control its anti-social elements, scientists have discovered that body odor is genetic. And archaeologists confirm that the problem has been with us since the dawn of man. They recently unearthed several Neanderthal skeletons that still had pine cones strapped under their arms.
According to the Department of Justice annual report on crime in the US, the stats show a whopping 12% decrease in drug offenses, assaults and domestic violence. The F.B.I. credits stricter enforcement of parole violations, the wobbly economy, and getting Charlie Sheen off the streets.
Accepting her award for Best Actress in "Mildred Pierce," Kate Winslet thanked her co-star Guy Pearce who also won for Best Actor. She confessed that she hadn't been that excited on a movie set since her rumble seat scene with Leonardo DiCaprio in "Titanic."
Despite the ongoing struggle to control its anti-social elements, scientists have discovered that body odor is genetic. And archaeologists confirm that the problem has been with us since the dawn of man. They recently unearthed several Neanderthal skeletons that still had pine cones strapped under their arms.
According to the Department of Justice annual report on crime in the US, the stats show a whopping 12% decrease in drug offenses, assaults and domestic violence. The F.B.I. credits stricter enforcement of parole violations, the wobbly economy, and getting Charlie Sheen off the streets.
TUESDAY, September 20, 2011
The influence of large corporations may extend as far back as biblical times. Archaeologists digging near the cradle of Christianity have discovered credible evidence that the Three Wise men were actually carrying gifts of stocks, bonds and negotiable securities from Goldman-Sachs, Franklin Templeton and Merck.
The San Francisco Board of Supervisors has banned "sexual contact between crowded passengers using public transportation..." Standing passengers must have one hand on the strap and may use the other to read a newspaper or operate a can of mace.
Ultra-luxury car maker Maserati has recalled 763 late model four-door Quattroporte sedans citing suspension problems. According to complaints voiced by numerous owners, the car has a tendency to turn into parking lots of restaurants which have fewer than five stars.
LA grocery clerks have struck major southern California supermarkets. Issues in dispute include management's refusal to pay higher wages, provide more inclusive medical coverage and to change the express line sign from "10 Items or Less" to the more grammatically correct "10 Items or Fewer."
The San Francisco Board of Supervisors has banned "sexual contact between crowded passengers using public transportation..." Standing passengers must have one hand on the strap and may use the other to read a newspaper or operate a can of mace.
Ultra-luxury car maker Maserati has recalled 763 late model four-door Quattroporte sedans citing suspension problems. According to complaints voiced by numerous owners, the car has a tendency to turn into parking lots of restaurants which have fewer than five stars.
LA grocery clerks have struck major southern California supermarkets. Issues in dispute include management's refusal to pay higher wages, provide more inclusive medical coverage and to change the express line sign from "10 Items or Less" to the more grammatically correct "10 Items or Fewer."
MONDAY, September 19, 2011
Baltimore's Edgar Allen Poe Museum may close due to budget cuts. A merger has been proposed between the Edgar Allen Poe House and the Winnie the Pooh Plaza financed by a new Hawaiian Restaurant to be called "Poe Pooh Paradise."
The unconventional LA Laker forward Ron Artest has had his name officially changed by the court to "Metta World Peace." He told the judge he's following the example of his twin sisters "Loretta and Henrietta End World Hunger."
"Drive," with Ryan Gosling and Cary Mulligan, is doing well despite the critics who decry the gratuitous violence that includes graphic scenes of humans being tortured, innocent bystanders being cut down by automatic weapons fire and Albert Brooks trying to climb out of his Mini-Cooper.
Police in Miami Beach arrested a driver who, according to witnesses, exposed himself using his car's sunroof. He told the arresting officers he was just following the instructions in the Owners' Manual under "Operating the Moon Roof."
The unconventional LA Laker forward Ron Artest has had his name officially changed by the court to "Metta World Peace." He told the judge he's following the example of his twin sisters "Loretta and Henrietta End World Hunger."
"Drive," with Ryan Gosling and Cary Mulligan, is doing well despite the critics who decry the gratuitous violence that includes graphic scenes of humans being tortured, innocent bystanders being cut down by automatic weapons fire and Albert Brooks trying to climb out of his Mini-Cooper.
Police in Miami Beach arrested a driver who, according to witnesses, exposed himself using his car's sunroof. He told the arresting officers he was just following the instructions in the Owners' Manual under "Operating the Moon Roof."
FRI, SAT, SUN, September 16, 17, 18, 2011
The Chicago Board of Health has cited Wrigley Field food vendors for multiple health violations. But the fans are taking it as good sports. Now after the seventh inning, they sing "... Buy me some peanuts and Cracker Jack... antibiotics for e.Coli attacks."
In California, San Diego State University has launched the first fully-accredited Center for Surf Research devoted entirely to the study of surfing. Qualified applicants can even earn a Ph. D but here the D stands for "Dude."
NASCAR's 14-year old driver, Katie Brice, must be really persuasive -- not only because she has to talk the officials into letting her race and convince her pit crew that she's a better driver than they are, but most of all because she has to talk her dad into giving her the keys to the car.
A new poll of blue-collar employees nationwide shows that 32% of them prefer working for a male superior and 22% favor a lady in charge. An investigation is underway of the 13% who said they'd settle for either -- as long as their disciplinary preferences include bondage.
In California, San Diego State University has launched the first fully-accredited Center for Surf Research devoted entirely to the study of surfing. Qualified applicants can even earn a Ph. D but here the D stands for "Dude."
NASCAR's 14-year old driver, Katie Brice, must be really persuasive -- not only because she has to talk the officials into letting her race and convince her pit crew that she's a better driver than they are, but most of all because she has to talk her dad into giving her the keys to the car.
A new poll of blue-collar employees nationwide shows that 32% of them prefer working for a male superior and 22% favor a lady in charge. An investigation is underway of the 13% who said they'd settle for either -- as long as their disciplinary preferences include bondage.
THURSDAY, September 15, 2011
Forking over one of the highest prices ever paid for a restaurant rating service, Google shelled out $200 million for Zagat. They weren't the only interested buyer. They had to outbid Charo who misread the offer and thought it said "Cugat."
The Professional Golfers Association has signed a nine-year contract with both CBS and NBC. Viewers may find the new deal a tad confusing, though. NBC will televise the first nine holes, and CBS the back nine.
Every major airline has instituted fare increases at least ten times since January. They're not all greedy, though. At Delta, if your luggage is overweight because it's stuffed with the extra cash needed for your ticket, it flies free.
Golden State Warriors coach Mark Jackson admits that a suspected marijuana dealer is a member of the church in which he serves as pastor. Maybe you've heard of it -- Our Lady of the Perpetual Munchies?
The Professional Golfers Association has signed a nine-year contract with both CBS and NBC. Viewers may find the new deal a tad confusing, though. NBC will televise the first nine holes, and CBS the back nine.
Every major airline has instituted fare increases at least ten times since January. They're not all greedy, though. At Delta, if your luggage is overweight because it's stuffed with the extra cash needed for your ticket, it flies free.
Golden State Warriors coach Mark Jackson admits that a suspected marijuana dealer is a member of the church in which he serves as pastor. Maybe you've heard of it -- Our Lady of the Perpetual Munchies?
WEDNESDAY, September 14, 2011
According to the National Automobile Association, Washington DC leads the nation in fender-benders. So many drivers there enjoy diplomatic immunity, they never have to pay for the damage. Instead of calling AAA, they call the UN.
Rightfully fearful of France's paparazzi, First Lady Carla Bruni insists that her child, due any day, will never be photographed. She must be serious. Recently she underwent amniocentesis and insisted her pediatrician use the images of a non-famous kid.
Cell phone manufacturer Nokia has a standing offer of $10,000 to anyone who can improve on its signature ring tone. Why don't they save the ten grand and just record the sound of a cash register?
Along with Meryl Streep and Neil Diamond, another recipient of this year's Kennedy Center Honors will be celebrated cellist Yo-Yo-Ma. He will be introduced by Oh-Oh-Oprah.
Rightfully fearful of France's paparazzi, First Lady Carla Bruni insists that her child, due any day, will never be photographed. She must be serious. Recently she underwent amniocentesis and insisted her pediatrician use the images of a non-famous kid.
Cell phone manufacturer Nokia has a standing offer of $10,000 to anyone who can improve on its signature ring tone. Why don't they save the ten grand and just record the sound of a cash register?
Along with Meryl Streep and Neil Diamond, another recipient of this year's Kennedy Center Honors will be celebrated cellist Yo-Yo-Ma. He will be introduced by Oh-Oh-Oprah.
TUESDAY, September 13, 2011
"CONTAGION," starring Matt Damon, Gweneth Paltrow and Kate Winslet absolutely clobbered its opening weekend competition at the box office. But the dramatic tension isn't the search for a cure -- CDC entomologists find that right away. The suspense comes from watching the Food and Drug Administration put the vaccine through five years of needless testing.
The University of Massachusetts set a Guinness record by assembling and cooking a 4,000-pound stir-fry using 4,000 onions, 30,000 carrots, and 16,000 heads of lettuce. The chopsticks were donated by AT&T -- telephone poles.
Lifeguards closed Mission Beach after they thought they saw a Great White circling. There's a rational explanation for that. See, Kirstie Alley just bought a $10 million condo in a Malibu gated community and the Homeowners Association made her promise not to swim within sight of their beach.
Fourteen Muslim women wearing burkas were refused admittance to the roller coaster at New York's Play Land because their scarves could become tangled in the wheels. But they were placated when the park manager gave them fifteen free passes to the latest attraction "So You Wanna Be a Beekeeper?"
The University of Massachusetts set a Guinness record by assembling and cooking a 4,000-pound stir-fry using 4,000 onions, 30,000 carrots, and 16,000 heads of lettuce. The chopsticks were donated by AT&T -- telephone poles.
Lifeguards closed Mission Beach after they thought they saw a Great White circling. There's a rational explanation for that. See, Kirstie Alley just bought a $10 million condo in a Malibu gated community and the Homeowners Association made her promise not to swim within sight of their beach.
Fourteen Muslim women wearing burkas were refused admittance to the roller coaster at New York's Play Land because their scarves could become tangled in the wheels. But they were placated when the park manager gave them fifteen free passes to the latest attraction "So You Wanna Be a Beekeeper?"
MONDAY, September 12, 2011
Fisticuffs legend Oscar de la Hoya is out of rehab and has admitted that he was caught by the paparazzi last year wearing ladies undergarments. Actually, his name alone gave him away. "de la Hoya" is Spanish for "Do these trunks make me look fat?"
The Lifetime Channel has signed supermodel Molly Sims to host a new reality show called "Project Accessory," a spin-off of "Project Runway." The show will mark the first use of the newly-developed "Bulimi-Cam" which digitally adds 30 pounds to supermodels so viewers can see them.
Michael Moore confides in his new book that his bodyguards are retired Navy Seals. Actually, Michael employs lots of military personnel. He just hired the Army's 101st Airborne Division to provide the silk needed to make his cargo shorts.
Archaeologists digging in Egypt came up with a mummy whose brain had been removed. They're being careful not to make any rash conclusions, though. They've been gun shy ever since they found that mummy missing its asp and announced they'd discovered Cleopatra.
The Lifetime Channel has signed supermodel Molly Sims to host a new reality show called "Project Accessory," a spin-off of "Project Runway." The show will mark the first use of the newly-developed "Bulimi-Cam" which digitally adds 30 pounds to supermodels so viewers can see them.
Michael Moore confides in his new book that his bodyguards are retired Navy Seals. Actually, Michael employs lots of military personnel. He just hired the Army's 101st Airborne Division to provide the silk needed to make his cargo shorts.
Archaeologists digging in Egypt came up with a mummy whose brain had been removed. They're being careful not to make any rash conclusions, though. They've been gun shy ever since they found that mummy missing its asp and announced they'd discovered Cleopatra.
FRI, SAT, SUN, September 9, 10, 11, 2011
The family of John Wayne has authorized Heritage Auctions to sell of some of the Duke's memorabilia. Items expected to entice bidders include his leather football helmet from USC, the saddle he used in seven westerns and several stuffed pilgrims left over from "True Grit."
Hollywood insiders were shocked at the announcement that Eddie Murphy will host the Oscars. That's because Gumby has made nothing but clunkers lately like "Meet Dave" and "Adventures of Pluto Nash" -- which may be why the producers have asked him to wear his donkey costume from "Shrek."
"J. Edgar," a new film on the life of the FBI founder, opens this week with Leonardo DiCaprio as Hoover. Leo spent six months at Quantico, VA learning how to handle weapons, how to follow the Bureau's strict rules of evidence gathering, and how to look natural wearing ladies' underwear under his suit.
Wells Fargo has introduced a radical new debit card that will cost customers a flat fee of $3 per month. They're hoping that those who can't afford to pay the fee will put it on their Wells Fargo Credit card where it will generate an additional 22% interest.
Hollywood insiders were shocked at the announcement that Eddie Murphy will host the Oscars. That's because Gumby has made nothing but clunkers lately like "Meet Dave" and "Adventures of Pluto Nash" -- which may be why the producers have asked him to wear his donkey costume from "Shrek."
"J. Edgar," a new film on the life of the FBI founder, opens this week with Leonardo DiCaprio as Hoover. Leo spent six months at Quantico, VA learning how to handle weapons, how to follow the Bureau's strict rules of evidence gathering, and how to look natural wearing ladies' underwear under his suit.
Wells Fargo has introduced a radical new debit card that will cost customers a flat fee of $3 per month. They're hoping that those who can't afford to pay the fee will put it on their Wells Fargo Credit card where it will generate an additional 22% interest.
THURSDAY, September 8, 2011
For a guy who was known for wearing a flashy uniform with shiny medals, Moammar Kadaffi is turning out to be a wizard when it comes to blending in. Only a few spectators noticed when he stood between New Gingrich and Ron Paul at the Reagan Library on Wednesday night.
Firefighters in Texas stood by helplessly as water to fight the out-of-control wildfires ran out. It graphically recalls the ancient lament from The Ancient Mariner so familiar to every English major -- "Oil, oil everywhere and not a drop to squirt."
While his political credentials appear sound, Republican presidential candidate Jon Huntsman appears to have a name recognition problem. 84% of GOP voters surveyed identified the Huntsman as one of those all-purpose utility tools used by outdoorsmen.
Journeyman LA Laker Ron Artest predicts his team will win the 2012 NBA Championship. Yeah, sure. That's like, let's see... Joe Namath predicting the Jets would beat the Colts in Super Bowl III. Okay... bad example.
Firefighters in Texas stood by helplessly as water to fight the out-of-control wildfires ran out. It graphically recalls the ancient lament from The Ancient Mariner so familiar to every English major -- "Oil, oil everywhere and not a drop to squirt."
While his political credentials appear sound, Republican presidential candidate Jon Huntsman appears to have a name recognition problem. 84% of GOP voters surveyed identified the Huntsman as one of those all-purpose utility tools used by outdoorsmen.
Journeyman LA Laker Ron Artest predicts his team will win the 2012 NBA Championship. Yeah, sure. That's like, let's see... Joe Namath predicting the Jets would beat the Colts in Super Bowl III. Okay... bad example.
WEDNESDAY, September 7, 2011
Nabisco has launched a new cookie called the "Triple Double Oreo" -- three biscuits separated by vanilla and chocolate creme. Think Billy Crystal... Whoopie Goldberg... Robin Williams... and Eddie Murphy.
Australia's Foster's Beer is about to be taken over by rival brewer SABMiller. Foster's is an institution Down Under. In fact, when Aussie wives withhold sex because their husbands come home drunk, it's called a "Foster's Freeze."
Michael Vick is one lucky professional athlete. He hit the jackpot with Philadelphia Eagles management, signing a hundred million dollar ten-year deal even though he almost failed the league-mandated physical. He was recovering from a nasty case of kennel cough.
The divorce court has ruled that Mel Gibson must pay his ex-wife Oksana a $750,000 settlement. How was that figure arrived at? Well, the judge reviewed the audio tapes of his rants and decided to charge him $10,000 per racial epithet.
Australia's Foster's Beer is about to be taken over by rival brewer SABMiller. Foster's is an institution Down Under. In fact, when Aussie wives withhold sex because their husbands come home drunk, it's called a "Foster's Freeze."
Michael Vick is one lucky professional athlete. He hit the jackpot with Philadelphia Eagles management, signing a hundred million dollar ten-year deal even though he almost failed the league-mandated physical. He was recovering from a nasty case of kennel cough.
The divorce court has ruled that Mel Gibson must pay his ex-wife Oksana a $750,000 settlement. How was that figure arrived at? Well, the judge reviewed the audio tapes of his rants and decided to charge him $10,000 per racial epithet.
TUESDAY, August 6, 2011
Court guru Nancy Grace has been signed as a contestant on "Dancing With the Stars." She should be admired for her spunk, but she may be in for a rude shock. Practicing by dancing with your broom is one thing, but doing it with a human partner. . .?
Fans of the Jerry Lewis MDA telethon gathered at LA's Laugh factory to protest the abrupt and unfeeling dismissal of its host of 45 years. Meanwhile, MDA officials triumphantly announced that they may have finally discovered a cure for Jerry Lewis.
A state trooper in New Mexico was fired after a hearing determined he'd had sex on the hood of a suspected speeder's car. Evidence against him included a surveillance video, DNA samples and a distinct outline of a Ford Mustang hood ornament on his back.
Fans of Denver Broncos quarterback say he was benched because he's an outspoken born-again Christian. Could be a factor here. The Bronco's defensive coach claims he was demoted because he was tipping off the snap by saying "amen" at the end of every signal.
Fans of the Jerry Lewis MDA telethon gathered at LA's Laugh factory to protest the abrupt and unfeeling dismissal of its host of 45 years. Meanwhile, MDA officials triumphantly announced that they may have finally discovered a cure for Jerry Lewis.
A state trooper in New Mexico was fired after a hearing determined he'd had sex on the hood of a suspected speeder's car. Evidence against him included a surveillance video, DNA samples and a distinct outline of a Ford Mustang hood ornament on his back.
Fans of Denver Broncos quarterback say he was benched because he's an outspoken born-again Christian. Could be a factor here. The Bronco's defensive coach claims he was demoted because he was tipping off the snap by saying "amen" at the end of every signal.
LABOR DAY August 5, 2011
Customers expressed surprise when 7-Eleven began offering potato chips that taste like hot dogs. Actually, it's a long association that began back in 1989 when Laura Scudder married Oscar Meyer and soon gave birth to twins -- "Frito" and "Pringle."
A government survey reveals that since 9/11 airport screeners have failed to detect 25,000 banned items. Among the most overlooked were liquids like shampoo, aftershave, perfume and fifths of Jack Daniels carried aboard by pilots.
Actress Melissa Gilbert has divorced actor Bruce Boxleitner. Under terms of the settlement, he gets the beach house in Malibu, the three Mercedes sedans and the Riviera Club membership and she gets the Beverly Hills mansion, the Bentley and the little house behind the Little House on the Prairie.
A San Diego teenager was hospitalized after being attacked by a gang who shot an arrow through his shoulder. Apparently he's homeless. He told the cops his address is "Tree 614 Sherwood Forest."
A government survey reveals that since 9/11 airport screeners have failed to detect 25,000 banned items. Among the most overlooked were liquids like shampoo, aftershave, perfume and fifths of Jack Daniels carried aboard by pilots.
Actress Melissa Gilbert has divorced actor Bruce Boxleitner. Under terms of the settlement, he gets the beach house in Malibu, the three Mercedes sedans and the Riviera Club membership and she gets the Beverly Hills mansion, the Bentley and the little house behind the Little House on the Prairie.
A San Diego teenager was hospitalized after being attacked by a gang who shot an arrow through his shoulder. Apparently he's homeless. He told the cops his address is "Tree 614 Sherwood Forest."
FRI, SAT, SUN, September 2, 3, 4, 2011
Two burglars wearing fake Time-Warner Cable uniforms were arrested by LA cops. Police say it was the uniforms that caused neighbors to call them. Of course, even when a real cable installer shows up is suspicious enough to rate a call to 911.
The Little league team from Huntington Beach defeated Japan to win the World Series. Which just proves once again that a baseball team from southern California can win if the players aren't distracted by the owner's divorce.
Believed caused by the stress of her recent wedding, Kim Kardashian has developed the skin disease psoriasis. But in a way she's lucky. Her welts spell out the names of well-known designers.
House majority leader Eric Cantor is urging fellow GOP members to work with him to repeal liberal environmental laws that impede oil drilling and prevent new hiring. He's got lots of support. Most Republicans now call the Endangered Species list the "menu."
Archeologists digging in Kenya have unearthed axe heads made 1.76 million years ago, much earlier than previously thought. Some were extremely sophisticated. One had seven blades and a label scratched on the side that said "Swiss Army Ax."
The Little league team from Huntington Beach defeated Japan to win the World Series. Which just proves once again that a baseball team from southern California can win if the players aren't distracted by the owner's divorce.
Believed caused by the stress of her recent wedding, Kim Kardashian has developed the skin disease psoriasis. But in a way she's lucky. Her welts spell out the names of well-known designers.
House majority leader Eric Cantor is urging fellow GOP members to work with him to repeal liberal environmental laws that impede oil drilling and prevent new hiring. He's got lots of support. Most Republicans now call the Endangered Species list the "menu."
Archeologists digging in Kenya have unearthed axe heads made 1.76 million years ago, much earlier than previously thought. Some were extremely sophisticated. One had seven blades and a label scratched on the side that said "Swiss Army Ax."
WEDNESDAY, August 31, 2011
Based on a best-seller, the movie "The Help" is doing surprisingly well at the box office. Arnold Schwartzenegger is reportedly attending Mass again and praying that tell-all books written by maids doesn't become a fad.
Burger King, continuing its quest for a healthier menu, has added old-fashioned oatmeal to its breakfast choices. Must be Quaker Oats. When Ronald McDonald made fun of the King, he turned the other cheek.
Barack Obama's uncle was arrested in Framingham, Massachusetts and charged with drunk driving. The booking procedure took longer than usual because he couldn't produce what they considered an authentic enough birth certificate.
A Scottish mortuary has developed an eco-friendly machine that liquefies dead bodies in three hours and emits fewer green house gasses than cremation. American scientists who've tested the device says it works even faster on bodies that have had a head start like, say, Mel Gibson's or Lindsay Lohan's.
Long awaited by blood n' gore film fans, “Don’t Be Afraid of the Dark,” has opened wide. Unfortunately, some of them aren't showing up because they're afraid of the dark.
Burger King, continuing its quest for a healthier menu, has added old-fashioned oatmeal to its breakfast choices. Must be Quaker Oats. When Ronald McDonald made fun of the King, he turned the other cheek.
Barack Obama's uncle was arrested in Framingham, Massachusetts and charged with drunk driving. The booking procedure took longer than usual because he couldn't produce what they considered an authentic enough birth certificate.
A Scottish mortuary has developed an eco-friendly machine that liquefies dead bodies in three hours and emits fewer green house gasses than cremation. American scientists who've tested the device says it works even faster on bodies that have had a head start like, say, Mel Gibson's or Lindsay Lohan's.
Long awaited by blood n' gore film fans, “Don’t Be Afraid of the Dark,” has opened wide. Unfortunately, some of them aren't showing up because they're afraid of the dark.
WEDNESDAY, August 31, 2011
Former Vice President Dick Cheney has launched a major book tour to promote his new memoir "In My View." He's hitting almost all the talk shows and even offered to go on "The View" if Barbara Walters would allow him waterboard Joy Behar. .
In Germany, a flashmob recently torched luxury cars on the streets of Berlin. Luxury does have its demands, though. Arsonists using regular gas failed while those dousing the cars with premium got flames immediately.
Disaster was narrowly averted when two beehives being smuggled on a Russian Aeroflot passenger plane tipped over and the bees escaped. The pilot tried to alert ground personnel but the flight controllers, having just finished a nap, thought he was just buzzing the tower.
As Hurricane Irene approached the east coast, all the casinos in Atlantic City were evacuated and boarded up to withstand the high winds. Despite the precautions, Irene's winds hit a slot machine handle in Harrah's and won forty dollars in nickles.
A rare shortage of the popular anesthetic propofol forced many hospitals to adapt available substitutes to put surgery patients under. One enterprising clinic in Lower Manhattan forced them to watch clips of Robert Wagner explaining how reverse mortgages work.
In Germany, a flashmob recently torched luxury cars on the streets of Berlin. Luxury does have its demands, though. Arsonists using regular gas failed while those dousing the cars with premium got flames immediately.
Disaster was narrowly averted when two beehives being smuggled on a Russian Aeroflot passenger plane tipped over and the bees escaped. The pilot tried to alert ground personnel but the flight controllers, having just finished a nap, thought he was just buzzing the tower.
As Hurricane Irene approached the east coast, all the casinos in Atlantic City were evacuated and boarded up to withstand the high winds. Despite the precautions, Irene's winds hit a slot machine handle in Harrah's and won forty dollars in nickles.
A rare shortage of the popular anesthetic propofol forced many hospitals to adapt available substitutes to put surgery patients under. One enterprising clinic in Lower Manhattan forced them to watch clips of Robert Wagner explaining how reverse mortgages work.
TUESDAY, August 30, 2011
A recent sports survey shows that Labron James is the most unpopular player in the NBA. Even his teammates can't stand him. Since he arrived, they've purposely refused to share their keg after the game, and won't disclose the name of the team's Dr. Feelgood or its bail bondsman.
A new study on mental deterioration due to aging has shown that one shot of alcohol per day substantially lowers the risk of Alzheimer's Disease. In light of the new findings, the Betty Ford Clinic has been renamed the "Center for the Over Medicated."
A Michigan man whose truck struck four other cars before coming to a halt told police he lost his brakes and tried to slow down by dragging his foot on the ground. Already he's back to work -- with a new nickname -- "Stumpy."
Online dating now has everything -- a web site devoted to singles interested in finding a partner but not in sex. If it sounds like something for you, check it out at http://NotTonightIHaveaHeadache.com
Researchers at IBM have developed a computer chip that mimics the human mind It also comes in a female version that has no fear of asking a stranger for directions, can't learn to use a TV remote and prefers the temperature 10 degrees higher than the male chip.
A new study on mental deterioration due to aging has shown that one shot of alcohol per day substantially lowers the risk of Alzheimer's Disease. In light of the new findings, the Betty Ford Clinic has been renamed the "Center for the Over Medicated."
A Michigan man whose truck struck four other cars before coming to a halt told police he lost his brakes and tried to slow down by dragging his foot on the ground. Already he's back to work -- with a new nickname -- "Stumpy."
Online dating now has everything -- a web site devoted to singles interested in finding a partner but not in sex. If it sounds like something for you, check it out at http://NotTonightIHaveaHeadache.com
Researchers at IBM have developed a computer chip that mimics the human mind It also comes in a female version that has no fear of asking a stranger for directions, can't learn to use a TV remote and prefers the temperature 10 degrees higher than the male chip.
MONDAY, August 29, 2011
According to USA Today, the economy has reached such depths, some formerly comfortable Americans now rely on newspaper and magazine food coupons to survive. And it can be quite a shock. For some, it's the first time they've had to follow a dotted line that wasn't cocaine.
Popular jockey and Kentucky Derby winner Calvin Borel was recently arrested and charged with a DUI. He probably antagonized the cops. After he blew into the balloon they gave him, he twisted it into a passable replica of Seattle Slew.
Recently in Beijing, a vicious fist-fight broke out during an exhibition basketball game between students from Georgetown University and Chinese students. The Chinese hosts are so repentant, they offered to lower the interest rate half a percentage point on the money we owe them.
A wealthy Miami booster admitted to NCAA officials that he provided players being recruited with a yacht with a fully-stocked bar and a crew of hookers. The players were ecstatic. Gives them a place to meet with school officials to really negotiate a deal.
New findings suggest that athletes in love turn in better performances on the playing field. Hoping those findings will help boost sales, Absorbine, Jr., the athlete's foot medicine, is now marketing "Absorbine Lover." It has the same formula as the original but it smells like Cameron Diaz.
Popular jockey and Kentucky Derby winner Calvin Borel was recently arrested and charged with a DUI. He probably antagonized the cops. After he blew into the balloon they gave him, he twisted it into a passable replica of Seattle Slew.
Recently in Beijing, a vicious fist-fight broke out during an exhibition basketball game between students from Georgetown University and Chinese students. The Chinese hosts are so repentant, they offered to lower the interest rate half a percentage point on the money we owe them.
A wealthy Miami booster admitted to NCAA officials that he provided players being recruited with a yacht with a fully-stocked bar and a crew of hookers. The players were ecstatic. Gives them a place to meet with school officials to really negotiate a deal.
New findings suggest that athletes in love turn in better performances on the playing field. Hoping those findings will help boost sales, Absorbine, Jr., the athlete's foot medicine, is now marketing "Absorbine Lover." It has the same formula as the original but it smells like Cameron Diaz.
FRI, SAT, SUN, August 26, 27, 28, 2011
Shaking plaster from the National Cathedral, an earthquake rattled windows and nerves from New Hampshire to Georgia. Officially, meteorologists rated the quake 5.9 on the Richter Scale -- while out of habit, Standard & Poors reduced it to a 4.7.
Songwriter Jerry Lieber who with his partner Mike Stoller wrote many of Elvis's biggest hits, died in Los Angeles at age 78. After a brief memorial service attended by fans, friends and family, he was laid to rest wearing black denim trousers and motorcycle boots and a black leather jacket with an eagle on the back.
Geneticists have estimated that there are now 8.7 million separate species of life on earth. And all of them have been given a name -- except, maybe, for whatever that is on Donald Trump's head.
Kim Kardashian fulfilled her childhood dream of having a lavish wedding ceremony, wearing an expensive designer gown, and having hundreds of guests. It lacked only one thing. She wanted Dad to spring OJ so he could provide the knife to cut the cake.
Following McDonald's lead to stress healthier fare, Burger King has ditched its mustachioed king mascot. In his place, they've adopted a new, more in-touch-with-reality mascot -- an ambulance driver carrying heart defibrillator paddles.
Songwriter Jerry Lieber who with his partner Mike Stoller wrote many of Elvis's biggest hits, died in Los Angeles at age 78. After a brief memorial service attended by fans, friends and family, he was laid to rest wearing black denim trousers and motorcycle boots and a black leather jacket with an eagle on the back.
Geneticists have estimated that there are now 8.7 million separate species of life on earth. And all of them have been given a name -- except, maybe, for whatever that is on Donald Trump's head.
Kim Kardashian fulfilled her childhood dream of having a lavish wedding ceremony, wearing an expensive designer gown, and having hundreds of guests. It lacked only one thing. She wanted Dad to spring OJ so he could provide the knife to cut the cake.
Following McDonald's lead to stress healthier fare, Burger King has ditched its mustachioed king mascot. In his place, they've adopted a new, more in-touch-with-reality mascot -- an ambulance driver carrying heart defibrillator paddles.
THURSDAY, August 25, 2011
Libyan rebels surrounded Col. Muammar Gaddafi's palace but he appears to have fled and is now in hiding. Rebel agents have staked out every uniform shop in and around Tripoli just in case he sends out for more medals.
The frenzied pack of GOP presidential hopefuls have booked so many softball interviews at Fox News, the FCC may investigate. Could be risky, too. Governor Rick Perry made the mistake of letting Greta Von Susteren get too close and had to have her surgically removed by his proctologist.
Al-Queda threatened to cut out David Letterman's tongue after he joked about the Muslim jihad. Less than thrilled with his staff, Dave checked with CBS Legal to see if his contract allows him to behead a writer.
Scientists at Exxon-Mobil have discovered that the fat cells found in alligators may be used as a cheap alternative fuel. Gas prices are so high in Italy, when the news was announced, a guy was spotted stuffing his designer loafers into his tank.
The NFL is considering hiring its first female official. They've been testing a candidate they believe would be perfect for the job, but there's a problem -- every time she drops the handkerchief, one of the male refs picks it up for her.
The frenzied pack of GOP presidential hopefuls have booked so many softball interviews at Fox News, the FCC may investigate. Could be risky, too. Governor Rick Perry made the mistake of letting Greta Von Susteren get too close and had to have her surgically removed by his proctologist.
Al-Queda threatened to cut out David Letterman's tongue after he joked about the Muslim jihad. Less than thrilled with his staff, Dave checked with CBS Legal to see if his contract allows him to behead a writer.
Scientists at Exxon-Mobil have discovered that the fat cells found in alligators may be used as a cheap alternative fuel. Gas prices are so high in Italy, when the news was announced, a guy was spotted stuffing his designer loafers into his tank.
The NFL is considering hiring its first female official. They've been testing a candidate they believe would be perfect for the job, but there's a problem -- every time she drops the handkerchief, one of the male refs picks it up for her.
WEDNESDAY, August 24, 2011
Kim Kardashian's wedding gown had a tulle skirt with a basque waist and Chantilly lace set off by a pair of Giuseppe Zanotti shoes. Pretty impressive for a bride who became famous for not wearing anything at all.
A pilot for Cathay Pacific Airlines was suspended for initiating a flight attendant into the "Mile High Club" in the cockpit of his Boeing 747. He'd have gotten away with it if he hadn't left the intercom on after pointing out landmarks.
Over sixty-thousand grocery workers have voted to strike southern California supermarkets. Could take awhile, though. Last time they struck, it took them a month to decide whether to print their picket signs on paper or plastic.
The Little League World Series is underway in South Williamsport, Pennsylvania. It's getting more like the major leagues every year -- identical equipment, national radio and TV coverage, Girl Scout groupies. . .
A 15-year old UK girl has been fitted with bionic fingers to replace those she lost after contracting chickenpox. The fingers were developed by a Scottish firm that provides bionic middle fingers for New York City cabbies.
A pilot for Cathay Pacific Airlines was suspended for initiating a flight attendant into the "Mile High Club" in the cockpit of his Boeing 747. He'd have gotten away with it if he hadn't left the intercom on after pointing out landmarks.
Over sixty-thousand grocery workers have voted to strike southern California supermarkets. Could take awhile, though. Last time they struck, it took them a month to decide whether to print their picket signs on paper or plastic.
The Little League World Series is underway in South Williamsport, Pennsylvania. It's getting more like the major leagues every year -- identical equipment, national radio and TV coverage, Girl Scout groupies. . .
A 15-year old UK girl has been fitted with bionic fingers to replace those she lost after contracting chickenpox. The fingers were developed by a Scottish firm that provides bionic middle fingers for New York City cabbies.
TUESDAY, August 23, 2011
A study of movie-goers reveals that many of them become nauseous when viewing movies shot in 3-D. Director James Cameron took advantage of the phenomena and made vomiting a fun diversion among the Avatar crew on the way to the planet Pandora.
Shell oil has received permission to begun off-shore drilling in Alaska. The EPA demanded some pretty strict conditions. For instance, in the event of a spill that destroys wildlife, Shell had to agree to provide free to the public a supply of those little yellow balls that snap on the end of your car's radio antenna.
A study of international sexual habits shows that for adulterers, Paris provides the most discreet hotel workers. Yet another reason that the makers of Viagra often use shots of the Eiffel Tower in their European TV commercials.
A study of youth sports shows that high school and college basketball players suffer fewer injuries on the court if they wear braces on their ankles. Already, Nike is developing the LaBron James "Mr. Achilles 500" that will sell for $95 a pair.
California wildlife officials are investigating the siting of a huge capybarra living in a Paso Robles water treatment plant. A native of South America, the capybarra is considered the world's largest rodent -- if you don't count Lamar V. Swine, a grossly-obese Mississippi lawyer with an office in Natchez.
Shell oil has received permission to begun off-shore drilling in Alaska. The EPA demanded some pretty strict conditions. For instance, in the event of a spill that destroys wildlife, Shell had to agree to provide free to the public a supply of those little yellow balls that snap on the end of your car's radio antenna.
A study of international sexual habits shows that for adulterers, Paris provides the most discreet hotel workers. Yet another reason that the makers of Viagra often use shots of the Eiffel Tower in their European TV commercials.
A study of youth sports shows that high school and college basketball players suffer fewer injuries on the court if they wear braces on their ankles. Already, Nike is developing the LaBron James "Mr. Achilles 500" that will sell for $95 a pair.
California wildlife officials are investigating the siting of a huge capybarra living in a Paso Robles water treatment plant. A native of South America, the capybarra is considered the world's largest rodent -- if you don't count Lamar V. Swine, a grossly-obese Mississippi lawyer with an office in Natchez.
MONDAY, August 22, 2011
French actor Gerard Depardieu was ejected from a City Jet flight for urinating in the aisle. No big surprise here -- "depardieu" is a French term that became popular during the reign of King Louis XIV that roughly translated means "Has my dampness ruined your cape?"
NBC executives are excited over their new series "Playboy Club" scheduled to debut in the fall. It's reportedly so authentic a depiction of Hugh Hefner's dream, to watch it you need a special key that fits a slot in back of your TV set.
A study of popular medical mores shows that a married man suffering a heart attack will more likely receive prompt treatment than a bachelor with the same symptoms. Makes sense. After those wedding bells ring, you can be pretty sure that stabbing pain in your heart isn't caused by Cupid's arrow.
This is the most exciting time of the year in the NFL. The groundskeepers are laying down new chalk lines, the trainers are checking and double checking their equipment, and the new draft picks are assigned a locker, a parking space, and a training Hollywood starlet.
Despite rumors to the contrary, Brett Favre's agent insists that his aging client has no interest in signing with the Miami Dolphins. Too bad. The Dolphins were already preparing to make him feel welcome -- they installed a new shower with wheelchair access and everything.
NBC executives are excited over their new series "Playboy Club" scheduled to debut in the fall. It's reportedly so authentic a depiction of Hugh Hefner's dream, to watch it you need a special key that fits a slot in back of your TV set.
A study of popular medical mores shows that a married man suffering a heart attack will more likely receive prompt treatment than a bachelor with the same symptoms. Makes sense. After those wedding bells ring, you can be pretty sure that stabbing pain in your heart isn't caused by Cupid's arrow.
This is the most exciting time of the year in the NFL. The groundskeepers are laying down new chalk lines, the trainers are checking and double checking their equipment, and the new draft picks are assigned a locker, a parking space, and a training Hollywood starlet.
Despite rumors to the contrary, Brett Favre's agent insists that his aging client has no interest in signing with the Miami Dolphins. Too bad. The Dolphins were already preparing to make him feel welcome -- they installed a new shower with wheelchair access and everything.
FRI, SAT, SUN, August 19, 20, 21, 2011
In a heartless display typical of TV Executives, TBS canceled George Lopez's late-night talk show without advance notice. Let me get this straight. George's ex-wife didn't ask for her donated kidney back and TBS is taking back his TIME SLOT?
Believed to be a first in what has widely been considered a beer-drinking culture, a pit crew chief for NASCAR was arrested for selling marijuana. Officials became suspicious when they noticed that some crews were rolling more joints than race cars.
Chicago Cubs pitcher Carlos Zambrano received a 30-day suspension for what the team said was "misconduct." What did Carlos do? Well, in the big leagues, stealing bases and signals is permitted, but stealing another player's Hollywood starlet girlfriend is a no-no.
Today Show morning chat guru Matt Lauer recently revealed to an interviewer that he makes $17 million per year. Which raises the question we'd all ask if we ever got the chance to meet him in real life -- $17 million won't buy you a better haircut?
A new Pew research study of cell phone users found that 13% say they have faked an M2D2 voice to get out of talking to someone. That's not surprising. What's surprising are the 37% of women who say they have faked an orgasm while texting.
Believed to be a first in what has widely been considered a beer-drinking culture, a pit crew chief for NASCAR was arrested for selling marijuana. Officials became suspicious when they noticed that some crews were rolling more joints than race cars.
Chicago Cubs pitcher Carlos Zambrano received a 30-day suspension for what the team said was "misconduct." What did Carlos do? Well, in the big leagues, stealing bases and signals is permitted, but stealing another player's Hollywood starlet girlfriend is a no-no.
Today Show morning chat guru Matt Lauer recently revealed to an interviewer that he makes $17 million per year. Which raises the question we'd all ask if we ever got the chance to meet him in real life -- $17 million won't buy you a better haircut?
A new Pew research study of cell phone users found that 13% say they have faked an M2D2 voice to get out of talking to someone. That's not surprising. What's surprising are the 37% of women who say they have faked an orgasm while texting.
THURSDAY, August 18, 2011
According to the Commerce Department, consumer confidence is at its lowest level since 1980. What is consumer confidence? Well, it's like when you give your credit card to a waiter and are confident that he'll give it back after using it to pay a traffic ticket.
The Secret Service has purchased two $2.3 million bullet-proof, blackened window, double-decker buses that will be used to transport the President and other government officials. They've code-named them "Greyhound One" and "Greyhound Two."
Faced with drastic budget cuts, the US Postal service announced they'll let 120,000 employees go. They knew their days of sorting, filing and delivering mail were numbered when they replaced the "Dead Letter Office" with the "Dead Job Office."
First it was aluminum, then brass cable, and now thieves are yanking clumps of victims' hair to sell to hair extension companies. One victim told police in San Francisco she considered herself lucky -- the clump of hair the thief grabbed was HER hair extension.
According to arrest records, the use of crystal meth has gone up in Hollywood. People seeking a sublime, transcendental experience while flashes of dazzling colored lights seem to appear from nowhere. No -- wait -- my mistake. That's the Crystal Cathedral.
The Secret Service has purchased two $2.3 million bullet-proof, blackened window, double-decker buses that will be used to transport the President and other government officials. They've code-named them "Greyhound One" and "Greyhound Two."
Faced with drastic budget cuts, the US Postal service announced they'll let 120,000 employees go. They knew their days of sorting, filing and delivering mail were numbered when they replaced the "Dead Letter Office" with the "Dead Job Office."
First it was aluminum, then brass cable, and now thieves are yanking clumps of victims' hair to sell to hair extension companies. One victim told police in San Francisco she considered herself lucky -- the clump of hair the thief grabbed was HER hair extension.
According to arrest records, the use of crystal meth has gone up in Hollywood. People seeking a sublime, transcendental experience while flashes of dazzling colored lights seem to appear from nowhere. No -- wait -- my mistake. That's the Crystal Cathedral.
WEDNESDAY, August 17, 2011
The F.C.C. has issued a new ruling that will allow those calling 911 to text message the emergency. They suggest using these internationally-recognized anagrams: HOF= "My house is on fire!" JBM= "I've just been mugged! MGFOA= "Mel Gibson has flipped out again!"
PETA and other environmental groups have criticized President Obama for being too soft enforcing the Endangered Species list. Barack probably didn't make any points with the anti-fur crowd when he hosted a state dinner for the Dali Lama that included Spotted Owl Under Glass.
Now that Jennifer Lopez has shed Marc Anthony, she's agreed to return as a judge on "American Idol." She had one stipulation, though. The other judges had to agree not to use her booty as a writing desk.
Two million former Californians have relocated elsewhere over the past ten years -- 1,999,984 because they couldn't find a job, a house they could afford, or adequate medical care and the other sixteen left after they were groped by Arnold Schwarzenegger.
According to the latest accident stats from the National Safety Council, kids riding with their grandparents are three times safer than riding with their parents. That's mainly because other drivers tend to steer clear of a car whose turn signal has been on for 268 miles of straight freeway.
PETA and other environmental groups have criticized President Obama for being too soft enforcing the Endangered Species list. Barack probably didn't make any points with the anti-fur crowd when he hosted a state dinner for the Dali Lama that included Spotted Owl Under Glass.
Now that Jennifer Lopez has shed Marc Anthony, she's agreed to return as a judge on "American Idol." She had one stipulation, though. The other judges had to agree not to use her booty as a writing desk.
Two million former Californians have relocated elsewhere over the past ten years -- 1,999,984 because they couldn't find a job, a house they could afford, or adequate medical care and the other sixteen left after they were groped by Arnold Schwarzenegger.
According to the latest accident stats from the National Safety Council, kids riding with their grandparents are three times safer than riding with their parents. That's mainly because other drivers tend to steer clear of a car whose turn signal has been on for 268 miles of straight freeway.
TUESDAY, August 16, 2011
Former president Bill Clinton surprised some of his former White House aides by endorsing New York's same-sex marriage law. He's really matured since his Oval Office days. He's also endorsed same-sex troubled marriage legislation.
Exxon Mobil, long holding the title of most valuable corporation in the United States, has been dropped to second place by Apple Computer. Which explains why last week someone spotted T. Boon Pickens skimming the leaves on Steve Jobs's swimming pool.
The prequel to "Planet of the Apes," "Rise of the Planet of the Apes," continues to rake in plenty of bananas at the box office. The picture is gaining in popularity particularly among Reagan Republicans. Turns out one of the leads is a the great grandson of "Bonzo."
Oceanographers are at a loss to explain an orange-colored substance that suddenly appeared on the water in the remote Alaskan harbor of Kivalina. The same thing happened last summer on the beaches of Maui but that just turned out to be House Speaker Boehner snorkeling.
A federal court in Chicago will decide once and for all how far companies can go when claiming product superiority over a competitor. Ball Park Hot Dogs sued Oscar Meyer for claiming their dogs contain more gristle, ground up bone fragments, animal muscle tissue and nitrates than Ball Parks.
Exxon Mobil, long holding the title of most valuable corporation in the United States, has been dropped to second place by Apple Computer. Which explains why last week someone spotted T. Boon Pickens skimming the leaves on Steve Jobs's swimming pool.
The prequel to "Planet of the Apes," "Rise of the Planet of the Apes," continues to rake in plenty of bananas at the box office. The picture is gaining in popularity particularly among Reagan Republicans. Turns out one of the leads is a the great grandson of "Bonzo."
Oceanographers are at a loss to explain an orange-colored substance that suddenly appeared on the water in the remote Alaskan harbor of Kivalina. The same thing happened last summer on the beaches of Maui but that just turned out to be House Speaker Boehner snorkeling.
A federal court in Chicago will decide once and for all how far companies can go when claiming product superiority over a competitor. Ball Park Hot Dogs sued Oscar Meyer for claiming their dogs contain more gristle, ground up bone fragments, animal muscle tissue and nitrates than Ball Parks.
MONDAY August 15, 2011
Thanks to high unemployment and a floundering economy, for the first time, more people are canceling cable TV subscriptions than are signing up. Could take awhile, though. You thought the cable installer took a long time to show up -- wait 'til you try the uninstaller.
Los Angeles laker hoop star Ron Artest has signed a contract to play for a basketball team based in London. He's had to take a crash course in the game's pecular British terminology. For instance, jump shots are called "lifts," a time-out is called a "Big Ben" and a third foul penalty is called a "Tower of London."
Forty-five thousand cell phone carrier workers have walked off their jobs at Verizon. They may be ticked off at the company's treatment of them, but they haven't given up their free perks -- and they look a little silly walking a picket line holding up signs printed on their cell phone screens.
Conservative-leaning Kelsey Grammer told friends and supporters that he's considering a run for mayor of New York City. He may be serious. He's already earning campaign cash working as a radio call-in psychologist at WABC.
Kobe Bryant has let it be known that he's bored with the NBA lockout and would play for a Turkish team willing to pay him $1 million a month. Kobe should be used to lockouts. His wife locks him out of their bedroom after almost every road trip.
Los Angeles laker hoop star Ron Artest has signed a contract to play for a basketball team based in London. He's had to take a crash course in the game's pecular British terminology. For instance, jump shots are called "lifts," a time-out is called a "Big Ben" and a third foul penalty is called a "Tower of London."
Forty-five thousand cell phone carrier workers have walked off their jobs at Verizon. They may be ticked off at the company's treatment of them, but they haven't given up their free perks -- and they look a little silly walking a picket line holding up signs printed on their cell phone screens.
Conservative-leaning Kelsey Grammer told friends and supporters that he's considering a run for mayor of New York City. He may be serious. He's already earning campaign cash working as a radio call-in psychologist at WABC.
Kobe Bryant has let it be known that he's bored with the NBA lockout and would play for a Turkish team willing to pay him $1 million a month. Kobe should be used to lockouts. His wife locks him out of their bedroom after almost every road trip.
FRI, SAT, SUN, August 12, 13, 14, 2011
Riots continue to broil across the UK, with marauding street thugs eluding pursuing Bobbies as they shatter shop windows, topple parked cars and torch restaurants. Granted, that's probably a health benefit, but it shouldn't be done this way.
While parents struggle to insure their kids eat healthy meals, an alarming study out of the University of Texas shows that up to 98% of school lunches made at home are too warm to eat safely by lunchtime. Even worse, peanut butter sandwiches packed in the popular "Star Trek" Captain Kirk lunch box contained traces of radio-active isotopes.
Texas Governor Rick Perry hosted a prayer-a-thon last weekend and joined the faithful to pray for an end to world hunger, for a permanent and lasting peace, and that his Republican colleague, New Jersey's Governor Chris Christie, lose at least 50 pounds in time for the next election.
Dethroned by the Muscular Dystrophy Association as its national chairman, former host Jerry Lewis told friends he may demonstrate on the steps outside of this year's telethon and sing "You'll Never Walk Alone" so powerfully, he's hoping it will resurrect Ed McMahon.
Michelle Bachmann's husband, Marcus, runs a clinic that claims to be able to return gay people to a straight lifestyle through a careful program of therapy and counseling. And he guarantees the patient will not lose any of his enthusiasm for Bette Midler albums or shopping at IKEA.
While parents struggle to insure their kids eat healthy meals, an alarming study out of the University of Texas shows that up to 98% of school lunches made at home are too warm to eat safely by lunchtime. Even worse, peanut butter sandwiches packed in the popular "Star Trek" Captain Kirk lunch box contained traces of radio-active isotopes.
Texas Governor Rick Perry hosted a prayer-a-thon last weekend and joined the faithful to pray for an end to world hunger, for a permanent and lasting peace, and that his Republican colleague, New Jersey's Governor Chris Christie, lose at least 50 pounds in time for the next election.
Dethroned by the Muscular Dystrophy Association as its national chairman, former host Jerry Lewis told friends he may demonstrate on the steps outside of this year's telethon and sing "You'll Never Walk Alone" so powerfully, he's hoping it will resurrect Ed McMahon.
Michelle Bachmann's husband, Marcus, runs a clinic that claims to be able to return gay people to a straight lifestyle through a careful program of therapy and counseling. And he guarantees the patient will not lose any of his enthusiasm for Bette Midler albums or shopping at IKEA.
THURSDAY, August 11, 2011
The Disney Company posted a quarterly profit of $3.17 billion from its theme parks and resorts, up 12%. Company analysts credit increased ticket sales, an influx of foreign tourists, and the decision to replace four of the Seven Dwarfs with non-union midgets from Wisconsin.
Newport Beach California police are looking for a pair of bicycle thieves who disguise themselves as Ashton Kutcher and Colonel Sanders. In the surveillance photos, it looks like the real Ashton paired with Demi Moore in a white suit. He probably wanted to be the Colonel, but couldn't grow a goatee.
According to a study commissioned by the CDC, the two national restaurant chains serving the most calories are Denny's and The Cheesecake Factory. The Factory may be a slightly better bet for you calorie-counters, though. Last week, someone spotted Denny eating lunch there.
Tiger Woods is reportedly sweating bullets over rumors that Steve Williams, his longtime caddy he recently gave the heave-ho, is scribbling a tell-all book about him. And that can't be easy. Ever see those itty-bitty pencils they're forced to keep score with?
According to a survey conducted each year since 1989 by the A.M.A., the best hospital in the United States is Baltimore's Johns Hopkins. In fact, their Proctology Department is so well-known, one of their films appeared on "Let's Explore Caves!" Week on the Discovery Channel.
Newport Beach California police are looking for a pair of bicycle thieves who disguise themselves as Ashton Kutcher and Colonel Sanders. In the surveillance photos, it looks like the real Ashton paired with Demi Moore in a white suit. He probably wanted to be the Colonel, but couldn't grow a goatee.
According to a study commissioned by the CDC, the two national restaurant chains serving the most calories are Denny's and The Cheesecake Factory. The Factory may be a slightly better bet for you calorie-counters, though. Last week, someone spotted Denny eating lunch there.
Tiger Woods is reportedly sweating bullets over rumors that Steve Williams, his longtime caddy he recently gave the heave-ho, is scribbling a tell-all book about him. And that can't be easy. Ever see those itty-bitty pencils they're forced to keep score with?
According to a survey conducted each year since 1989 by the A.M.A., the best hospital in the United States is Baltimore's Johns Hopkins. In fact, their Proctology Department is so well-known, one of their films appeared on "Let's Explore Caves!" Week on the Discovery Channel.
WEDNESDAY, August 10, 2011
The Cellar at New York City's ultra-trendy eatery Beecher's now offers a specialty martini that tastes like a grilled cheese sandwich. And for non-Jewish martini-lovers, there's even a ham-flavored olive.
Kobe Bryant may sign to play off-season basketball in Turkey. He hasn't actually announced that yet, but there are plenty of tip-offs. He signed a two-month lease on the penthouse at the Ankara Hilton, he has six belly-dancers on call and he's hired a diamond ring expert from Van Cleef &
Arpels as a valet.
Bill Gates has offered $41.5 million for the designer who can come up with a better toilet. There are some pretty interesting prototypes on the drawing board already. One model, designed especially for young parents, features a low level potty-trainer, a slot for used diapers and a dead turtle chute.
Faced with a homeless population that's even worse than that in the U.S., a Dehli-based home builder is offering a dwelling ready for immediate occupancy that sells for $750 and can be assembled in seven days. Terrific if you've got a week to lock together 6,387,412 Lego pieces.
Rumors are racing around the NFL that Brett Favre, on-again-off-again Green Bay QB, may be acquired by the Eagles as a backup for Michael Vick. Probably won't happen, though, because Philadelphia coaches are wary that Farve, known to work like a dog and fight with team owners, might cause Michael to relapse.
Kobe Bryant may sign to play off-season basketball in Turkey. He hasn't actually announced that yet, but there are plenty of tip-offs. He signed a two-month lease on the penthouse at the Ankara Hilton, he has six belly-dancers on call and he's hired a diamond ring expert from Van Cleef &
Arpels as a valet.
Bill Gates has offered $41.5 million for the designer who can come up with a better toilet. There are some pretty interesting prototypes on the drawing board already. One model, designed especially for young parents, features a low level potty-trainer, a slot for used diapers and a dead turtle chute.
Faced with a homeless population that's even worse than that in the U.S., a Dehli-based home builder is offering a dwelling ready for immediate occupancy that sells for $750 and can be assembled in seven days. Terrific if you've got a week to lock together 6,387,412 Lego pieces.
Rumors are racing around the NFL that Brett Favre, on-again-off-again Green Bay QB, may be acquired by the Eagles as a backup for Michael Vick. Probably won't happen, though, because Philadelphia coaches are wary that Farve, known to work like a dog and fight with team owners, might cause Michael to relapse.
TUESDAY, August 9, 2011
Standard & Poors stunned the U.S. financial community by downgrading the country's credit rating from AAA to AA+. To put this in terms the average American can understand, the U.S. government -- without a co-signer like China or India -- would not qualify to borrow $300 from Payday Loans to buy a 1947 Buick.
"Cowboys & Aliens," Universal's new scifi oater currently enjoying boffo box office receipts, stars Daniel Craig and Harrison Ford as cowpokes who can't seem to shake old habits. Craig's James Bond keeps surfacing to order a martini "stirred not shaken," and Ford is the first Old West cowboy to wear a fedora .
"Rise of the Planet of the Apes," the prequel to 1968's "Planet of the Apes," grossed a respectable $54 million, sailing past the Jason Batman pablum-fest, "The Chang Up." Industry insiders credited the simian cinema's strength to improved special effects, audience hunger for a summer hit, and the absence of Charlston Heston.
The City fathers of Los Angeles have come up with an ambitious plan to build a multi-million dollar new football stadium with a retractable roof. Designed to look like a giant Roach Motel, top NFL draft choices will be lured inside by Hollywood starlets where they'll quickly become immobilized on the sticky floor until they agree to play in Los Angeles.
Fans of Lucille Ball flocked to her hometown of Jamestown, New York to celebrate the redhead's 100th birthday at a five-day festival. In Havana, Fidel Castro marked the event by naming Dezi Arnaz Cuba's most famous favorite son.
"Cowboys & Aliens," Universal's new scifi oater currently enjoying boffo box office receipts, stars Daniel Craig and Harrison Ford as cowpokes who can't seem to shake old habits. Craig's James Bond keeps surfacing to order a martini "stirred not shaken," and Ford is the first Old West cowboy to wear a fedora .
"Rise of the Planet of the Apes," the prequel to 1968's "Planet of the Apes," grossed a respectable $54 million, sailing past the Jason Batman pablum-fest, "The Chang Up." Industry insiders credited the simian cinema's strength to improved special effects, audience hunger for a summer hit, and the absence of Charlston Heston.
The City fathers of Los Angeles have come up with an ambitious plan to build a multi-million dollar new football stadium with a retractable roof. Designed to look like a giant Roach Motel, top NFL draft choices will be lured inside by Hollywood starlets where they'll quickly become immobilized on the sticky floor until they agree to play in Los Angeles.
Fans of Lucille Ball flocked to her hometown of Jamestown, New York to celebrate the redhead's 100th birthday at a five-day festival. In Havana, Fidel Castro marked the event by naming Dezi Arnaz Cuba's most famous favorite son.
MONDAY, August 8, 2011
The Board of Directors of the Muscular Dystrophy Association removed Jerry Lewis as their national director after 45 years. Some thought the way they notified him was a tad unfeeling -- a six-word telegram that said "From now on you're walking alone."
To help smooth the transition of military personnel re-entering civilian life, President Obama has proposed a "boot camp" to reacclimate the former GIs. Included in the training would be reveille at 8am to encourage sleeping in, two-block marches walking the family dog and finger calisthenics operating the TV remote.
This year marks the 100th anniversary of the famous Rolls-Royce hood ornament, "Spirit of Ecstasy." According to legend, it's the Greek god Venus pursuing Atlas. Actually, she's glancing back at the driver with a look that says "What kind of idiot would pay this much for a car that gets such lousy gas mileage?"
Texas governor Rick Perry hosted an evangelical answer to the country's problems at Houston's Reliant Stadium with an event he called "Prayer-0-Palooza," featuring sermons, hymns and spiritual enlightenment. Highlight was when Lady Gaga came out and turned her dress into loaves and fishes.
McDonald officials in Beijing announced they'll open one new restaurant a day over the next four years. All 1420 restaurants will feature a culture-friendly menu more in tune with China's culinary history -- Kung Pao Chicken McNuggets, Moo Shoo McPork and Peking McDuck.
To help smooth the transition of military personnel re-entering civilian life, President Obama has proposed a "boot camp" to reacclimate the former GIs. Included in the training would be reveille at 8am to encourage sleeping in, two-block marches walking the family dog and finger calisthenics operating the TV remote.
This year marks the 100th anniversary of the famous Rolls-Royce hood ornament, "Spirit of Ecstasy." According to legend, it's the Greek god Venus pursuing Atlas. Actually, she's glancing back at the driver with a look that says "What kind of idiot would pay this much for a car that gets such lousy gas mileage?"
Texas governor Rick Perry hosted an evangelical answer to the country's problems at Houston's Reliant Stadium with an event he called "Prayer-0-Palooza," featuring sermons, hymns and spiritual enlightenment. Highlight was when Lady Gaga came out and turned her dress into loaves and fishes.
McDonald officials in Beijing announced they'll open one new restaurant a day over the next four years. All 1420 restaurants will feature a culture-friendly menu more in tune with China's culinary history -- Kung Pao Chicken McNuggets, Moo Shoo McPork and Peking McDuck.
FRI, SAT, SUN, August 5 ,6 ,7 2011
Old time politicians are comparing New Jersey's 250-pound governor Chris Christie to Grover Cleveland, the porkiest president in U.S. history. Christie is so fat, when he flies he has to buy two seats and pay for the extra power it takes the TSA x-ray machine to see through him.
Police were summoned to Wall Street when three performance artists removed their clothes to protest the behavior of stock manipulators. Nonetheless, before the cops showed up one of the brokers somehow managed to pick the pocket of one of them.
After serving a two year sentence for brandishing a firearm in a nightclub and shooting himself in the leg, NFL wide receiver Plaxico Burress has signed with the New York Jets. His first day back, one of the wiseacre trainers pulled a practical joke on him and sewed his prison number across the back of his jersey.
Chinese physicists have completed a study that concluded that time travel, either into the past or the future, is impossible. The findings were based on formulas confirming the speed of light, principals derived from the laws of quantum physics and the ancient Chinese admonition "No tickee, no laundry!"
President Obama may order a stop to the recall of 36 million pounds of ground turkey found to contain salmonella. Makes sense. He's been advised that the expense of slaughtering this year's White House Thanksgiving turkey could be avoided by simply allowing the disease to run its course.
Police were summoned to Wall Street when three performance artists removed their clothes to protest the behavior of stock manipulators. Nonetheless, before the cops showed up one of the brokers somehow managed to pick the pocket of one of them.
After serving a two year sentence for brandishing a firearm in a nightclub and shooting himself in the leg, NFL wide receiver Plaxico Burress has signed with the New York Jets. His first day back, one of the wiseacre trainers pulled a practical joke on him and sewed his prison number across the back of his jersey.
Chinese physicists have completed a study that concluded that time travel, either into the past or the future, is impossible. The findings were based on formulas confirming the speed of light, principals derived from the laws of quantum physics and the ancient Chinese admonition "No tickee, no laundry!"
President Obama may order a stop to the recall of 36 million pounds of ground turkey found to contain salmonella. Makes sense. He's been advised that the expense of slaughtering this year's White House Thanksgiving turkey could be avoided by simply allowing the disease to run its course.
THURSDAY, August 4, 2011
A Mississippi dad was cited by police when they discovered he had allowed his eight-year old son to drive the family car for more than forty miles on a major interstate. The father told police he was putting safety first -- the boy was the only one in the vehicle wearing shoes.
Now that NFL owners and players have reached an agreement, training camps are back in full swing. And not a moment too soon. Apparently a lot of players spent their time during the lockout pounding down the Big Macs -- eight out of ten wide receivers now are.
America's largest clothing chain, the Gap, is making an all out effort to redefine its image after failing to post a profit since 2005. A recent survey showed the brand is viewed unfavorably when compared to its closest competitors Old Navy and Banana Republic. Even worse, it ranks below a real banana republic -- El Salvador.
One of the provisions in the newly-ratified agreement between NFL players and owners is an "educational outreach program." The players will return to their colleges on alumni day and apologize to their classmates who had to actually
attend classes to earn their degree.
Long thought to be the result of a shrinking population, the exodus of nude Germans sunbathers at formerly popular Baltic seaports has finally been explained. The Germans haven't given up nude sunbathing -- they just decided to invade the beaches in Poland.
Now that NFL owners and players have reached an agreement, training camps are back in full swing. And not a moment too soon. Apparently a lot of players spent their time during the lockout pounding down the Big Macs -- eight out of ten wide receivers now are.
America's largest clothing chain, the Gap, is making an all out effort to redefine its image after failing to post a profit since 2005. A recent survey showed the brand is viewed unfavorably when compared to its closest competitors Old Navy and Banana Republic. Even worse, it ranks below a real banana republic -- El Salvador.
One of the provisions in the newly-ratified agreement between NFL players and owners is an "educational outreach program." The players will return to their colleges on alumni day and apologize to their classmates who had to actually
attend classes to earn their degree.
Long thought to be the result of a shrinking population, the exodus of nude Germans sunbathers at formerly popular Baltic seaports has finally been explained. The Germans haven't given up nude sunbathing -- they just decided to invade the beaches in Poland.
WEDNESDAY, August 3, 2011
While sightseeing in Monaco, three blonds (one driving) crashed their $363,000 Bentley Azure into the rear of a $91,000 Mercedes-Benz S Class which then careened into a $186,000 Ferrari F430 which then clipped a 4-door
$228,000 Aston Martin Rapide which came to rest on the hood of a stray $77,000 Porche 911. With that much damage, it would be pointless to call Triple A, right? So the blonds did the next logical thing -- they called
Quadruple A.
The New England Patriots are so thrilled to have acquired the experienced (and some fear a bit over-the-hill) Chad Ochocinco from the Cincinnati Bengals, they have already set aside an entire day in his honor. They're calling it
"Ochocinco de Mayo."
Lady Gaga is reported to be very excited that her book of photographs taken on tour is scheduled for worldwide publication in November. According to her publisher, Grand Central Publishing, the book will offer fans plenty of
beefcake -- and that's just her wardrobe.
Herbarists from the Chinese Academy of Sciences in Shenyang discovered the largest mushroom ever recorded -- a giant half-ton fungus four city blocks long. Investigation revealed that it was grown by Tim Burton for the teacup scene in "Alice in Wonderland" and left behind by the Disney film crew.
Ford recalled 1.2 million F-150 pick-up trucks after reports that their fuel tanks were falling off. Also, several instances have been reported where the gun rack in the cab worked loose and accidentally discharged the deer rifle which exploded the six-pack sitting beside the driver.
$228,000 Aston Martin Rapide which came to rest on the hood of a stray $77,000 Porche 911. With that much damage, it would be pointless to call Triple A, right? So the blonds did the next logical thing -- they called
Quadruple A.
The New England Patriots are so thrilled to have acquired the experienced (and some fear a bit over-the-hill) Chad Ochocinco from the Cincinnati Bengals, they have already set aside an entire day in his honor. They're calling it
"Ochocinco de Mayo."
Lady Gaga is reported to be very excited that her book of photographs taken on tour is scheduled for worldwide publication in November. According to her publisher, Grand Central Publishing, the book will offer fans plenty of
beefcake -- and that's just her wardrobe.
Herbarists from the Chinese Academy of Sciences in Shenyang discovered the largest mushroom ever recorded -- a giant half-ton fungus four city blocks long. Investigation revealed that it was grown by Tim Burton for the teacup scene in "Alice in Wonderland" and left behind by the Disney film crew.
Ford recalled 1.2 million F-150 pick-up trucks after reports that their fuel tanks were falling off. Also, several instances have been reported where the gun rack in the cab worked loose and accidentally discharged the deer rifle which exploded the six-pack sitting beside the driver.
TUESDAY, AUGUST 2, 2011
A young female shopper in Pendleton, Oregon was taking advantage of Wal-Mart's "Back-to-School" sale when security personnel tactfully asked her to don a T-shirt over her barely effective bikini top. She finally agreed to don the T-shirt, but not before the greeter conducted a three-hour interrogation.
That 22-year old former Playboy Bunny who got cold feet and left Hugh Hefner stranded at the altar last month will nonetheless collect a sizable settlement from Mr. Hefner. An unlucky break for Hef, but his lawyers' hands are tied. It's all spelled out very clearly in the pre-autopsy agreement.
President Obama has unveiled new fuel efficiency standards for cars and light trucks. He's also predicting that the housing market will rebound and average people will again be able to afford their own homes. Unfortunately, they'll be those same cars and light trucks.
Wal-Mart has announced that it will begin streaming live on its web site, walmart.com. It's kind of an educational site. Now you can learn how Wal-Mart stock clerks unload the cargo containers from China.
Greenway University, advertised as the first college equipped to teach the cultivation and harvesting of cannabis for medicinal purposes, has been ordered to close its doors. It really wasn't the first, though. That honor goes to Texas A&M -- Acid and Marijuana.
That 22-year old former Playboy Bunny who got cold feet and left Hugh Hefner stranded at the altar last month will nonetheless collect a sizable settlement from Mr. Hefner. An unlucky break for Hef, but his lawyers' hands are tied. It's all spelled out very clearly in the pre-autopsy agreement.
President Obama has unveiled new fuel efficiency standards for cars and light trucks. He's also predicting that the housing market will rebound and average people will again be able to afford their own homes. Unfortunately, they'll be those same cars and light trucks.
Wal-Mart has announced that it will begin streaming live on its web site, walmart.com. It's kind of an educational site. Now you can learn how Wal-Mart stock clerks unload the cargo containers from China.
Greenway University, advertised as the first college equipped to teach the cultivation and harvesting of cannabis for medicinal purposes, has been ordered to close its doors. It really wasn't the first, though. That honor goes to Texas A&M -- Acid and Marijuana.
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THE LAUGH MAKERS: A Leonard Maltin "Top 20" Year End Pick!
DOLORES HOPE MEDLEY
DOLORES HOPE "Silver Bells" (with Bob)
BOB HOPE'S 1983 U.S. COLLEGE CAMPUS TOUR: Your Alma Mater Here?
"Having spent twenty years writing for the indefatigable Bob Hope, and traveling all over the world, Bob Mills is well qualified to salute the famous corps of gag men who kept the comedian knee-deep in jokes. These first-hand recollections summon up the final phase of Hope’s career—and the end of the trail for an entire brand of show business."
http://www.leonardmaltin.com/2009YearEndBookSurvey.htm
http://www.leonardmaltin.com/2009YearEndBookSurvey.htm
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THE LAUGH MAKERS is now on KINDLE! (And Kindle equipped devices)
Download THE LAUGH MAKERS to your Kindle within one minute (for $2.99) by clicking on this link:
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And if you're not yet a Kindle owner, when you purchase your new lower-priced Kindle with a capacity of 3500 books, be sure to sign up for our daily blog so you won't miss one issue of the web's most entertaining and insightful comments on the day's events... or a single serialized installment of THE LAUGH MAKERS. Order your Kindle today!
WakiLeaks: History Declassified 2000 (Vol. One) is now available on Kindle for $2.99
Compiled from Bob's newsletter "Funnyside Up" published in 2000. This is a yuck and chuckle-filled stroll down memory lane to a time before the Bush administration had inflicted its damage -- a time before the search for WMDs and Osama bin Laden. See what we were laughing at back then, who was in the news and who had yet to enter rehab -- which NFL stars had yet to do time in the Gray Bar Hotel.
http://www.amazon.com/dp/B004IZLXIQ
http://www.amazon.com/dp/B0041D9EPO
And if you're not yet a Kindle owner, when you purchase your new lower-priced Kindle with a capacity of 3500 books, be sure to sign up for our daily blog so you won't miss one issue of the web's most entertaining and insightful comments on the day's events... or a single serialized installment of THE LAUGH MAKERS. Order your Kindle today!
WakiLeaks: History Declassified 2000 (Vol. One) is now available on Kindle for $2.99
Compiled from Bob's newsletter "Funnyside Up" published in 2000. This is a yuck and chuckle-filled stroll down memory lane to a time before the Bush administration had inflicted its damage -- a time before the search for WMDs and Osama bin Laden. See what we were laughing at back then, who was in the news and who had yet to enter rehab -- which NFL stars had yet to do time in the Gray Bar Hotel.
http://www.amazon.com/dp/B004IZLXIQ