Two burglars wearing fake Time-Warner Cable uniforms were arrested by LA cops. Police say it was the uniforms that caused neighbors to call them. Of course, even when a real cable installer shows up is suspicious enough to rate a call to 911.
The Little league team from Huntington Beach defeated Japan to win the World Series. Which just proves once again that a baseball team from southern California can win if the players aren't distracted by the owner's divorce.
Believed caused by the stress of her recent wedding, Kim Kardashian has developed the skin disease psoriasis. But in a way she's lucky. Her welts spell out the names of well-known designers.
House majority leader Eric Cantor is urging fellow GOP members to work with him to repeal liberal environmental laws that impede oil drilling and prevent new hiring. He's got lots of support. Most Republicans now call the Endangered Species list the "menu."
Archeologists digging in Kenya have unearthed axe heads made 1.76 million years ago, much earlier than previously thought. Some were extremely sophisticated. One had seven blades and a label scratched on the side that said "Swiss Army Ax."
A Longtime Bob Hope Joke Writer Presents Daily Insightful Topical Satire Of Current Events (Illustrated) Plus Rare Photos From Hollywood's Bygone Era And Excerpts From THE LAUGH MAKERS By Robert L. Mills -- Color Photos From the Book and Rare Classic Vintage Video Clips! Send Your Show Biz Questions to "ASK BOB" at: TheLaughMakers@GMail.com
;
WEDNESDAY, August 31, 2011
Based on a best-seller, the movie "The Help" is doing surprisingly well at the box office. Arnold Schwartzenegger is reportedly attending Mass again and praying that tell-all books written by maids doesn't become a fad.
Burger King, continuing its quest for a healthier menu, has added old-fashioned oatmeal to its breakfast choices. Must be Quaker Oats. When Ronald McDonald made fun of the King, he turned the other cheek.
Barack Obama's uncle was arrested in Framingham, Massachusetts and charged with drunk driving. The booking procedure took longer than usual because he couldn't produce what they considered an authentic enough birth certificate.
A Scottish mortuary has developed an eco-friendly machine that liquefies dead bodies in three hours and emits fewer green house gasses than cremation. American scientists who've tested the device says it works even faster on bodies that have had a head start like, say, Mel Gibson's or Lindsay Lohan's.
Long awaited by blood n' gore film fans, “Don’t Be Afraid of the Dark,” has opened wide. Unfortunately, some of them aren't showing up because they're afraid of the dark.
Burger King, continuing its quest for a healthier menu, has added old-fashioned oatmeal to its breakfast choices. Must be Quaker Oats. When Ronald McDonald made fun of the King, he turned the other cheek.
Barack Obama's uncle was arrested in Framingham, Massachusetts and charged with drunk driving. The booking procedure took longer than usual because he couldn't produce what they considered an authentic enough birth certificate.
A Scottish mortuary has developed an eco-friendly machine that liquefies dead bodies in three hours and emits fewer green house gasses than cremation. American scientists who've tested the device says it works even faster on bodies that have had a head start like, say, Mel Gibson's or Lindsay Lohan's.
Long awaited by blood n' gore film fans, “Don’t Be Afraid of the Dark,” has opened wide. Unfortunately, some of them aren't showing up because they're afraid of the dark.
WEDNESDAY, August 31, 2011
Former Vice President Dick Cheney has launched a major book tour to promote his new memoir "In My View." He's hitting almost all the talk shows and even offered to go on "The View" if Barbara Walters would allow him waterboard Joy Behar. .
In Germany, a flashmob recently torched luxury cars on the streets of Berlin. Luxury does have its demands, though. Arsonists using regular gas failed while those dousing the cars with premium got flames immediately.
Disaster was narrowly averted when two beehives being smuggled on a Russian Aeroflot passenger plane tipped over and the bees escaped. The pilot tried to alert ground personnel but the flight controllers, having just finished a nap, thought he was just buzzing the tower.
As Hurricane Irene approached the east coast, all the casinos in Atlantic City were evacuated and boarded up to withstand the high winds. Despite the precautions, Irene's winds hit a slot machine handle in Harrah's and won forty dollars in nickles.
A rare shortage of the popular anesthetic propofol forced many hospitals to adapt available substitutes to put surgery patients under. One enterprising clinic in Lower Manhattan forced them to watch clips of Robert Wagner explaining how reverse mortgages work.
In Germany, a flashmob recently torched luxury cars on the streets of Berlin. Luxury does have its demands, though. Arsonists using regular gas failed while those dousing the cars with premium got flames immediately.
Disaster was narrowly averted when two beehives being smuggled on a Russian Aeroflot passenger plane tipped over and the bees escaped. The pilot tried to alert ground personnel but the flight controllers, having just finished a nap, thought he was just buzzing the tower.
As Hurricane Irene approached the east coast, all the casinos in Atlantic City were evacuated and boarded up to withstand the high winds. Despite the precautions, Irene's winds hit a slot machine handle in Harrah's and won forty dollars in nickles.
A rare shortage of the popular anesthetic propofol forced many hospitals to adapt available substitutes to put surgery patients under. One enterprising clinic in Lower Manhattan forced them to watch clips of Robert Wagner explaining how reverse mortgages work.
TUESDAY, August 30, 2011
A recent sports survey shows that Labron James is the most unpopular player in the NBA. Even his teammates can't stand him. Since he arrived, they've purposely refused to share their keg after the game, and won't disclose the name of the team's Dr. Feelgood or its bail bondsman.
A new study on mental deterioration due to aging has shown that one shot of alcohol per day substantially lowers the risk of Alzheimer's Disease. In light of the new findings, the Betty Ford Clinic has been renamed the "Center for the Over Medicated."
A Michigan man whose truck struck four other cars before coming to a halt told police he lost his brakes and tried to slow down by dragging his foot on the ground. Already he's back to work -- with a new nickname -- "Stumpy."
Online dating now has everything -- a web site devoted to singles interested in finding a partner but not in sex. If it sounds like something for you, check it out at http://NotTonightIHaveaHeadache.com
Researchers at IBM have developed a computer chip that mimics the human mind It also comes in a female version that has no fear of asking a stranger for directions, can't learn to use a TV remote and prefers the temperature 10 degrees higher than the male chip.
A new study on mental deterioration due to aging has shown that one shot of alcohol per day substantially lowers the risk of Alzheimer's Disease. In light of the new findings, the Betty Ford Clinic has been renamed the "Center for the Over Medicated."
A Michigan man whose truck struck four other cars before coming to a halt told police he lost his brakes and tried to slow down by dragging his foot on the ground. Already he's back to work -- with a new nickname -- "Stumpy."
Online dating now has everything -- a web site devoted to singles interested in finding a partner but not in sex. If it sounds like something for you, check it out at http://NotTonightIHaveaHeadache.com
Researchers at IBM have developed a computer chip that mimics the human mind It also comes in a female version that has no fear of asking a stranger for directions, can't learn to use a TV remote and prefers the temperature 10 degrees higher than the male chip.
MONDAY, August 29, 2011
According to USA Today, the economy has reached such depths, some formerly comfortable Americans now rely on newspaper and magazine food coupons to survive. And it can be quite a shock. For some, it's the first time they've had to follow a dotted line that wasn't cocaine.
Popular jockey and Kentucky Derby winner Calvin Borel was recently arrested and charged with a DUI. He probably antagonized the cops. After he blew into the balloon they gave him, he twisted it into a passable replica of Seattle Slew.
Recently in Beijing, a vicious fist-fight broke out during an exhibition basketball game between students from Georgetown University and Chinese students. The Chinese hosts are so repentant, they offered to lower the interest rate half a percentage point on the money we owe them.
A wealthy Miami booster admitted to NCAA officials that he provided players being recruited with a yacht with a fully-stocked bar and a crew of hookers. The players were ecstatic. Gives them a place to meet with school officials to really negotiate a deal.
New findings suggest that athletes in love turn in better performances on the playing field. Hoping those findings will help boost sales, Absorbine, Jr., the athlete's foot medicine, is now marketing "Absorbine Lover." It has the same formula as the original but it smells like Cameron Diaz.
Popular jockey and Kentucky Derby winner Calvin Borel was recently arrested and charged with a DUI. He probably antagonized the cops. After he blew into the balloon they gave him, he twisted it into a passable replica of Seattle Slew.
Recently in Beijing, a vicious fist-fight broke out during an exhibition basketball game between students from Georgetown University and Chinese students. The Chinese hosts are so repentant, they offered to lower the interest rate half a percentage point on the money we owe them.
A wealthy Miami booster admitted to NCAA officials that he provided players being recruited with a yacht with a fully-stocked bar and a crew of hookers. The players were ecstatic. Gives them a place to meet with school officials to really negotiate a deal.
New findings suggest that athletes in love turn in better performances on the playing field. Hoping those findings will help boost sales, Absorbine, Jr., the athlete's foot medicine, is now marketing "Absorbine Lover." It has the same formula as the original but it smells like Cameron Diaz.
FRI, SAT, SUN, August 26, 27, 28, 2011
Shaking plaster from the National Cathedral, an earthquake rattled windows and nerves from New Hampshire to Georgia. Officially, meteorologists rated the quake 5.9 on the Richter Scale -- while out of habit, Standard & Poors reduced it to a 4.7.
Songwriter Jerry Lieber who with his partner Mike Stoller wrote many of Elvis's biggest hits, died in Los Angeles at age 78. After a brief memorial service attended by fans, friends and family, he was laid to rest wearing black denim trousers and motorcycle boots and a black leather jacket with an eagle on the back.
Geneticists have estimated that there are now 8.7 million separate species of life on earth. And all of them have been given a name -- except, maybe, for whatever that is on Donald Trump's head.
Kim Kardashian fulfilled her childhood dream of having a lavish wedding ceremony, wearing an expensive designer gown, and having hundreds of guests. It lacked only one thing. She wanted Dad to spring OJ so he could provide the knife to cut the cake.
Following McDonald's lead to stress healthier fare, Burger King has ditched its mustachioed king mascot. In his place, they've adopted a new, more in-touch-with-reality mascot -- an ambulance driver carrying heart defibrillator paddles.
Songwriter Jerry Lieber who with his partner Mike Stoller wrote many of Elvis's biggest hits, died in Los Angeles at age 78. After a brief memorial service attended by fans, friends and family, he was laid to rest wearing black denim trousers and motorcycle boots and a black leather jacket with an eagle on the back.
Geneticists have estimated that there are now 8.7 million separate species of life on earth. And all of them have been given a name -- except, maybe, for whatever that is on Donald Trump's head.
Kim Kardashian fulfilled her childhood dream of having a lavish wedding ceremony, wearing an expensive designer gown, and having hundreds of guests. It lacked only one thing. She wanted Dad to spring OJ so he could provide the knife to cut the cake.
Following McDonald's lead to stress healthier fare, Burger King has ditched its mustachioed king mascot. In his place, they've adopted a new, more in-touch-with-reality mascot -- an ambulance driver carrying heart defibrillator paddles.
THURSDAY, August 25, 2011
Libyan rebels surrounded Col. Muammar Gaddafi's palace but he appears to have fled and is now in hiding. Rebel agents have staked out every uniform shop in and around Tripoli just in case he sends out for more medals.
The frenzied pack of GOP presidential hopefuls have booked so many softball interviews at Fox News, the FCC may investigate. Could be risky, too. Governor Rick Perry made the mistake of letting Greta Von Susteren get too close and had to have her surgically removed by his proctologist.
Al-Queda threatened to cut out David Letterman's tongue after he joked about the Muslim jihad. Less than thrilled with his staff, Dave checked with CBS Legal to see if his contract allows him to behead a writer.
Scientists at Exxon-Mobil have discovered that the fat cells found in alligators may be used as a cheap alternative fuel. Gas prices are so high in Italy, when the news was announced, a guy was spotted stuffing his designer loafers into his tank.
The NFL is considering hiring its first female official. They've been testing a candidate they believe would be perfect for the job, but there's a problem -- every time she drops the handkerchief, one of the male refs picks it up for her.
The frenzied pack of GOP presidential hopefuls have booked so many softball interviews at Fox News, the FCC may investigate. Could be risky, too. Governor Rick Perry made the mistake of letting Greta Von Susteren get too close and had to have her surgically removed by his proctologist.
Al-Queda threatened to cut out David Letterman's tongue after he joked about the Muslim jihad. Less than thrilled with his staff, Dave checked with CBS Legal to see if his contract allows him to behead a writer.
Scientists at Exxon-Mobil have discovered that the fat cells found in alligators may be used as a cheap alternative fuel. Gas prices are so high in Italy, when the news was announced, a guy was spotted stuffing his designer loafers into his tank.
The NFL is considering hiring its first female official. They've been testing a candidate they believe would be perfect for the job, but there's a problem -- every time she drops the handkerchief, one of the male refs picks it up for her.
WEDNESDAY, August 24, 2011
Kim Kardashian's wedding gown had a tulle skirt with a basque waist and Chantilly lace set off by a pair of Giuseppe Zanotti shoes. Pretty impressive for a bride who became famous for not wearing anything at all.
A pilot for Cathay Pacific Airlines was suspended for initiating a flight attendant into the "Mile High Club" in the cockpit of his Boeing 747. He'd have gotten away with it if he hadn't left the intercom on after pointing out landmarks.
Over sixty-thousand grocery workers have voted to strike southern California supermarkets. Could take awhile, though. Last time they struck, it took them a month to decide whether to print their picket signs on paper or plastic.
The Little League World Series is underway in South Williamsport, Pennsylvania. It's getting more like the major leagues every year -- identical equipment, national radio and TV coverage, Girl Scout groupies. . .
A 15-year old UK girl has been fitted with bionic fingers to replace those she lost after contracting chickenpox. The fingers were developed by a Scottish firm that provides bionic middle fingers for New York City cabbies.
A pilot for Cathay Pacific Airlines was suspended for initiating a flight attendant into the "Mile High Club" in the cockpit of his Boeing 747. He'd have gotten away with it if he hadn't left the intercom on after pointing out landmarks.
Over sixty-thousand grocery workers have voted to strike southern California supermarkets. Could take awhile, though. Last time they struck, it took them a month to decide whether to print their picket signs on paper or plastic.
The Little League World Series is underway in South Williamsport, Pennsylvania. It's getting more like the major leagues every year -- identical equipment, national radio and TV coverage, Girl Scout groupies. . .
A 15-year old UK girl has been fitted with bionic fingers to replace those she lost after contracting chickenpox. The fingers were developed by a Scottish firm that provides bionic middle fingers for New York City cabbies.
TUESDAY, August 23, 2011
A study of movie-goers reveals that many of them become nauseous when viewing movies shot in 3-D. Director James Cameron took advantage of the phenomena and made vomiting a fun diversion among the Avatar crew on the way to the planet Pandora.
Shell oil has received permission to begun off-shore drilling in Alaska. The EPA demanded some pretty strict conditions. For instance, in the event of a spill that destroys wildlife, Shell had to agree to provide free to the public a supply of those little yellow balls that snap on the end of your car's radio antenna.
A study of international sexual habits shows that for adulterers, Paris provides the most discreet hotel workers. Yet another reason that the makers of Viagra often use shots of the Eiffel Tower in their European TV commercials.
A study of youth sports shows that high school and college basketball players suffer fewer injuries on the court if they wear braces on their ankles. Already, Nike is developing the LaBron James "Mr. Achilles 500" that will sell for $95 a pair.
California wildlife officials are investigating the siting of a huge capybarra living in a Paso Robles water treatment plant. A native of South America, the capybarra is considered the world's largest rodent -- if you don't count Lamar V. Swine, a grossly-obese Mississippi lawyer with an office in Natchez.
Shell oil has received permission to begun off-shore drilling in Alaska. The EPA demanded some pretty strict conditions. For instance, in the event of a spill that destroys wildlife, Shell had to agree to provide free to the public a supply of those little yellow balls that snap on the end of your car's radio antenna.
A study of international sexual habits shows that for adulterers, Paris provides the most discreet hotel workers. Yet another reason that the makers of Viagra often use shots of the Eiffel Tower in their European TV commercials.
A study of youth sports shows that high school and college basketball players suffer fewer injuries on the court if they wear braces on their ankles. Already, Nike is developing the LaBron James "Mr. Achilles 500" that will sell for $95 a pair.
California wildlife officials are investigating the siting of a huge capybarra living in a Paso Robles water treatment plant. A native of South America, the capybarra is considered the world's largest rodent -- if you don't count Lamar V. Swine, a grossly-obese Mississippi lawyer with an office in Natchez.
MONDAY, August 22, 2011
French actor Gerard Depardieu was ejected from a City Jet flight for urinating in the aisle. No big surprise here -- "depardieu" is a French term that became popular during the reign of King Louis XIV that roughly translated means "Has my dampness ruined your cape?"
NBC executives are excited over their new series "Playboy Club" scheduled to debut in the fall. It's reportedly so authentic a depiction of Hugh Hefner's dream, to watch it you need a special key that fits a slot in back of your TV set.
A study of popular medical mores shows that a married man suffering a heart attack will more likely receive prompt treatment than a bachelor with the same symptoms. Makes sense. After those wedding bells ring, you can be pretty sure that stabbing pain in your heart isn't caused by Cupid's arrow.
This is the most exciting time of the year in the NFL. The groundskeepers are laying down new chalk lines, the trainers are checking and double checking their equipment, and the new draft picks are assigned a locker, a parking space, and a training Hollywood starlet.
Despite rumors to the contrary, Brett Favre's agent insists that his aging client has no interest in signing with the Miami Dolphins. Too bad. The Dolphins were already preparing to make him feel welcome -- they installed a new shower with wheelchair access and everything.
NBC executives are excited over their new series "Playboy Club" scheduled to debut in the fall. It's reportedly so authentic a depiction of Hugh Hefner's dream, to watch it you need a special key that fits a slot in back of your TV set.
A study of popular medical mores shows that a married man suffering a heart attack will more likely receive prompt treatment than a bachelor with the same symptoms. Makes sense. After those wedding bells ring, you can be pretty sure that stabbing pain in your heart isn't caused by Cupid's arrow.
This is the most exciting time of the year in the NFL. The groundskeepers are laying down new chalk lines, the trainers are checking and double checking their equipment, and the new draft picks are assigned a locker, a parking space, and a training Hollywood starlet.
Despite rumors to the contrary, Brett Favre's agent insists that his aging client has no interest in signing with the Miami Dolphins. Too bad. The Dolphins were already preparing to make him feel welcome -- they installed a new shower with wheelchair access and everything.
FRI, SAT, SUN, August 19, 20, 21, 2011
In a heartless display typical of TV Executives, TBS canceled George Lopez's late-night talk show without advance notice. Let me get this straight. George's ex-wife didn't ask for her donated kidney back and TBS is taking back his TIME SLOT?
Believed to be a first in what has widely been considered a beer-drinking culture, a pit crew chief for NASCAR was arrested for selling marijuana. Officials became suspicious when they noticed that some crews were rolling more joints than race cars.
Chicago Cubs pitcher Carlos Zambrano received a 30-day suspension for what the team said was "misconduct." What did Carlos do? Well, in the big leagues, stealing bases and signals is permitted, but stealing another player's Hollywood starlet girlfriend is a no-no.
Today Show morning chat guru Matt Lauer recently revealed to an interviewer that he makes $17 million per year. Which raises the question we'd all ask if we ever got the chance to meet him in real life -- $17 million won't buy you a better haircut?
A new Pew research study of cell phone users found that 13% say they have faked an M2D2 voice to get out of talking to someone. That's not surprising. What's surprising are the 37% of women who say they have faked an orgasm while texting.
Believed to be a first in what has widely been considered a beer-drinking culture, a pit crew chief for NASCAR was arrested for selling marijuana. Officials became suspicious when they noticed that some crews were rolling more joints than race cars.
Chicago Cubs pitcher Carlos Zambrano received a 30-day suspension for what the team said was "misconduct." What did Carlos do? Well, in the big leagues, stealing bases and signals is permitted, but stealing another player's Hollywood starlet girlfriend is a no-no.
Today Show morning chat guru Matt Lauer recently revealed to an interviewer that he makes $17 million per year. Which raises the question we'd all ask if we ever got the chance to meet him in real life -- $17 million won't buy you a better haircut?
A new Pew research study of cell phone users found that 13% say they have faked an M2D2 voice to get out of talking to someone. That's not surprising. What's surprising are the 37% of women who say they have faked an orgasm while texting.
THURSDAY, August 18, 2011
According to the Commerce Department, consumer confidence is at its lowest level since 1980. What is consumer confidence? Well, it's like when you give your credit card to a waiter and are confident that he'll give it back after using it to pay a traffic ticket.
The Secret Service has purchased two $2.3 million bullet-proof, blackened window, double-decker buses that will be used to transport the President and other government officials. They've code-named them "Greyhound One" and "Greyhound Two."
Faced with drastic budget cuts, the US Postal service announced they'll let 120,000 employees go. They knew their days of sorting, filing and delivering mail were numbered when they replaced the "Dead Letter Office" with the "Dead Job Office."
First it was aluminum, then brass cable, and now thieves are yanking clumps of victims' hair to sell to hair extension companies. One victim told police in San Francisco she considered herself lucky -- the clump of hair the thief grabbed was HER hair extension.
According to arrest records, the use of crystal meth has gone up in Hollywood. People seeking a sublime, transcendental experience while flashes of dazzling colored lights seem to appear from nowhere. No -- wait -- my mistake. That's the Crystal Cathedral.
The Secret Service has purchased two $2.3 million bullet-proof, blackened window, double-decker buses that will be used to transport the President and other government officials. They've code-named them "Greyhound One" and "Greyhound Two."
Faced with drastic budget cuts, the US Postal service announced they'll let 120,000 employees go. They knew their days of sorting, filing and delivering mail were numbered when they replaced the "Dead Letter Office" with the "Dead Job Office."
First it was aluminum, then brass cable, and now thieves are yanking clumps of victims' hair to sell to hair extension companies. One victim told police in San Francisco she considered herself lucky -- the clump of hair the thief grabbed was HER hair extension.
According to arrest records, the use of crystal meth has gone up in Hollywood. People seeking a sublime, transcendental experience while flashes of dazzling colored lights seem to appear from nowhere. No -- wait -- my mistake. That's the Crystal Cathedral.
WEDNESDAY, August 17, 2011
The F.C.C. has issued a new ruling that will allow those calling 911 to text message the emergency. They suggest using these internationally-recognized anagrams: HOF= "My house is on fire!" JBM= "I've just been mugged! MGFOA= "Mel Gibson has flipped out again!"
PETA and other environmental groups have criticized President Obama for being too soft enforcing the Endangered Species list. Barack probably didn't make any points with the anti-fur crowd when he hosted a state dinner for the Dali Lama that included Spotted Owl Under Glass.
Now that Jennifer Lopez has shed Marc Anthony, she's agreed to return as a judge on "American Idol." She had one stipulation, though. The other judges had to agree not to use her booty as a writing desk.
Two million former Californians have relocated elsewhere over the past ten years -- 1,999,984 because they couldn't find a job, a house they could afford, or adequate medical care and the other sixteen left after they were groped by Arnold Schwarzenegger.
According to the latest accident stats from the National Safety Council, kids riding with their grandparents are three times safer than riding with their parents. That's mainly because other drivers tend to steer clear of a car whose turn signal has been on for 268 miles of straight freeway.
PETA and other environmental groups have criticized President Obama for being too soft enforcing the Endangered Species list. Barack probably didn't make any points with the anti-fur crowd when he hosted a state dinner for the Dali Lama that included Spotted Owl Under Glass.
Now that Jennifer Lopez has shed Marc Anthony, she's agreed to return as a judge on "American Idol." She had one stipulation, though. The other judges had to agree not to use her booty as a writing desk.
Two million former Californians have relocated elsewhere over the past ten years -- 1,999,984 because they couldn't find a job, a house they could afford, or adequate medical care and the other sixteen left after they were groped by Arnold Schwarzenegger.
According to the latest accident stats from the National Safety Council, kids riding with their grandparents are three times safer than riding with their parents. That's mainly because other drivers tend to steer clear of a car whose turn signal has been on for 268 miles of straight freeway.
TUESDAY, August 16, 2011
Former president Bill Clinton surprised some of his former White House aides by endorsing New York's same-sex marriage law. He's really matured since his Oval Office days. He's also endorsed same-sex troubled marriage legislation.
Exxon Mobil, long holding the title of most valuable corporation in the United States, has been dropped to second place by Apple Computer. Which explains why last week someone spotted T. Boon Pickens skimming the leaves on Steve Jobs's swimming pool.
The prequel to "Planet of the Apes," "Rise of the Planet of the Apes," continues to rake in plenty of bananas at the box office. The picture is gaining in popularity particularly among Reagan Republicans. Turns out one of the leads is a the great grandson of "Bonzo."
Oceanographers are at a loss to explain an orange-colored substance that suddenly appeared on the water in the remote Alaskan harbor of Kivalina. The same thing happened last summer on the beaches of Maui but that just turned out to be House Speaker Boehner snorkeling.
A federal court in Chicago will decide once and for all how far companies can go when claiming product superiority over a competitor. Ball Park Hot Dogs sued Oscar Meyer for claiming their dogs contain more gristle, ground up bone fragments, animal muscle tissue and nitrates than Ball Parks.
Exxon Mobil, long holding the title of most valuable corporation in the United States, has been dropped to second place by Apple Computer. Which explains why last week someone spotted T. Boon Pickens skimming the leaves on Steve Jobs's swimming pool.
The prequel to "Planet of the Apes," "Rise of the Planet of the Apes," continues to rake in plenty of bananas at the box office. The picture is gaining in popularity particularly among Reagan Republicans. Turns out one of the leads is a the great grandson of "Bonzo."
Oceanographers are at a loss to explain an orange-colored substance that suddenly appeared on the water in the remote Alaskan harbor of Kivalina. The same thing happened last summer on the beaches of Maui but that just turned out to be House Speaker Boehner snorkeling.
A federal court in Chicago will decide once and for all how far companies can go when claiming product superiority over a competitor. Ball Park Hot Dogs sued Oscar Meyer for claiming their dogs contain more gristle, ground up bone fragments, animal muscle tissue and nitrates than Ball Parks.
MONDAY August 15, 2011
Thanks to high unemployment and a floundering economy, for the first time, more people are canceling cable TV subscriptions than are signing up. Could take awhile, though. You thought the cable installer took a long time to show up -- wait 'til you try the uninstaller.
Los Angeles laker hoop star Ron Artest has signed a contract to play for a basketball team based in London. He's had to take a crash course in the game's pecular British terminology. For instance, jump shots are called "lifts," a time-out is called a "Big Ben" and a third foul penalty is called a "Tower of London."
Forty-five thousand cell phone carrier workers have walked off their jobs at Verizon. They may be ticked off at the company's treatment of them, but they haven't given up their free perks -- and they look a little silly walking a picket line holding up signs printed on their cell phone screens.
Conservative-leaning Kelsey Grammer told friends and supporters that he's considering a run for mayor of New York City. He may be serious. He's already earning campaign cash working as a radio call-in psychologist at WABC.
Kobe Bryant has let it be known that he's bored with the NBA lockout and would play for a Turkish team willing to pay him $1 million a month. Kobe should be used to lockouts. His wife locks him out of their bedroom after almost every road trip.
Los Angeles laker hoop star Ron Artest has signed a contract to play for a basketball team based in London. He's had to take a crash course in the game's pecular British terminology. For instance, jump shots are called "lifts," a time-out is called a "Big Ben" and a third foul penalty is called a "Tower of London."
Forty-five thousand cell phone carrier workers have walked off their jobs at Verizon. They may be ticked off at the company's treatment of them, but they haven't given up their free perks -- and they look a little silly walking a picket line holding up signs printed on their cell phone screens.
Conservative-leaning Kelsey Grammer told friends and supporters that he's considering a run for mayor of New York City. He may be serious. He's already earning campaign cash working as a radio call-in psychologist at WABC.
Kobe Bryant has let it be known that he's bored with the NBA lockout and would play for a Turkish team willing to pay him $1 million a month. Kobe should be used to lockouts. His wife locks him out of their bedroom after almost every road trip.
FRI, SAT, SUN, August 12, 13, 14, 2011
Riots continue to broil across the UK, with marauding street thugs eluding pursuing Bobbies as they shatter shop windows, topple parked cars and torch restaurants. Granted, that's probably a health benefit, but it shouldn't be done this way.
While parents struggle to insure their kids eat healthy meals, an alarming study out of the University of Texas shows that up to 98% of school lunches made at home are too warm to eat safely by lunchtime. Even worse, peanut butter sandwiches packed in the popular "Star Trek" Captain Kirk lunch box contained traces of radio-active isotopes.
Texas Governor Rick Perry hosted a prayer-a-thon last weekend and joined the faithful to pray for an end to world hunger, for a permanent and lasting peace, and that his Republican colleague, New Jersey's Governor Chris Christie, lose at least 50 pounds in time for the next election.
Dethroned by the Muscular Dystrophy Association as its national chairman, former host Jerry Lewis told friends he may demonstrate on the steps outside of this year's telethon and sing "You'll Never Walk Alone" so powerfully, he's hoping it will resurrect Ed McMahon.
Michelle Bachmann's husband, Marcus, runs a clinic that claims to be able to return gay people to a straight lifestyle through a careful program of therapy and counseling. And he guarantees the patient will not lose any of his enthusiasm for Bette Midler albums or shopping at IKEA.
While parents struggle to insure their kids eat healthy meals, an alarming study out of the University of Texas shows that up to 98% of school lunches made at home are too warm to eat safely by lunchtime. Even worse, peanut butter sandwiches packed in the popular "Star Trek" Captain Kirk lunch box contained traces of radio-active isotopes.
Texas Governor Rick Perry hosted a prayer-a-thon last weekend and joined the faithful to pray for an end to world hunger, for a permanent and lasting peace, and that his Republican colleague, New Jersey's Governor Chris Christie, lose at least 50 pounds in time for the next election.
Dethroned by the Muscular Dystrophy Association as its national chairman, former host Jerry Lewis told friends he may demonstrate on the steps outside of this year's telethon and sing "You'll Never Walk Alone" so powerfully, he's hoping it will resurrect Ed McMahon.
Michelle Bachmann's husband, Marcus, runs a clinic that claims to be able to return gay people to a straight lifestyle through a careful program of therapy and counseling. And he guarantees the patient will not lose any of his enthusiasm for Bette Midler albums or shopping at IKEA.
THURSDAY, August 11, 2011
The Disney Company posted a quarterly profit of $3.17 billion from its theme parks and resorts, up 12%. Company analysts credit increased ticket sales, an influx of foreign tourists, and the decision to replace four of the Seven Dwarfs with non-union midgets from Wisconsin.
Newport Beach California police are looking for a pair of bicycle thieves who disguise themselves as Ashton Kutcher and Colonel Sanders. In the surveillance photos, it looks like the real Ashton paired with Demi Moore in a white suit. He probably wanted to be the Colonel, but couldn't grow a goatee.
According to a study commissioned by the CDC, the two national restaurant chains serving the most calories are Denny's and The Cheesecake Factory. The Factory may be a slightly better bet for you calorie-counters, though. Last week, someone spotted Denny eating lunch there.
Tiger Woods is reportedly sweating bullets over rumors that Steve Williams, his longtime caddy he recently gave the heave-ho, is scribbling a tell-all book about him. And that can't be easy. Ever see those itty-bitty pencils they're forced to keep score with?
According to a survey conducted each year since 1989 by the A.M.A., the best hospital in the United States is Baltimore's Johns Hopkins. In fact, their Proctology Department is so well-known, one of their films appeared on "Let's Explore Caves!" Week on the Discovery Channel.
Newport Beach California police are looking for a pair of bicycle thieves who disguise themselves as Ashton Kutcher and Colonel Sanders. In the surveillance photos, it looks like the real Ashton paired with Demi Moore in a white suit. He probably wanted to be the Colonel, but couldn't grow a goatee.
According to a study commissioned by the CDC, the two national restaurant chains serving the most calories are Denny's and The Cheesecake Factory. The Factory may be a slightly better bet for you calorie-counters, though. Last week, someone spotted Denny eating lunch there.
Tiger Woods is reportedly sweating bullets over rumors that Steve Williams, his longtime caddy he recently gave the heave-ho, is scribbling a tell-all book about him. And that can't be easy. Ever see those itty-bitty pencils they're forced to keep score with?
According to a survey conducted each year since 1989 by the A.M.A., the best hospital in the United States is Baltimore's Johns Hopkins. In fact, their Proctology Department is so well-known, one of their films appeared on "Let's Explore Caves!" Week on the Discovery Channel.
WEDNESDAY, August 10, 2011
The Cellar at New York City's ultra-trendy eatery Beecher's now offers a specialty martini that tastes like a grilled cheese sandwich. And for non-Jewish martini-lovers, there's even a ham-flavored olive.
Kobe Bryant may sign to play off-season basketball in Turkey. He hasn't actually announced that yet, but there are plenty of tip-offs. He signed a two-month lease on the penthouse at the Ankara Hilton, he has six belly-dancers on call and he's hired a diamond ring expert from Van Cleef &
Arpels as a valet.
Bill Gates has offered $41.5 million for the designer who can come up with a better toilet. There are some pretty interesting prototypes on the drawing board already. One model, designed especially for young parents, features a low level potty-trainer, a slot for used diapers and a dead turtle chute.
Faced with a homeless population that's even worse than that in the U.S., a Dehli-based home builder is offering a dwelling ready for immediate occupancy that sells for $750 and can be assembled in seven days. Terrific if you've got a week to lock together 6,387,412 Lego pieces.
Rumors are racing around the NFL that Brett Favre, on-again-off-again Green Bay QB, may be acquired by the Eagles as a backup for Michael Vick. Probably won't happen, though, because Philadelphia coaches are wary that Farve, known to work like a dog and fight with team owners, might cause Michael to relapse.
Kobe Bryant may sign to play off-season basketball in Turkey. He hasn't actually announced that yet, but there are plenty of tip-offs. He signed a two-month lease on the penthouse at the Ankara Hilton, he has six belly-dancers on call and he's hired a diamond ring expert from Van Cleef &
Arpels as a valet.
Bill Gates has offered $41.5 million for the designer who can come up with a better toilet. There are some pretty interesting prototypes on the drawing board already. One model, designed especially for young parents, features a low level potty-trainer, a slot for used diapers and a dead turtle chute.
Faced with a homeless population that's even worse than that in the U.S., a Dehli-based home builder is offering a dwelling ready for immediate occupancy that sells for $750 and can be assembled in seven days. Terrific if you've got a week to lock together 6,387,412 Lego pieces.
Rumors are racing around the NFL that Brett Favre, on-again-off-again Green Bay QB, may be acquired by the Eagles as a backup for Michael Vick. Probably won't happen, though, because Philadelphia coaches are wary that Farve, known to work like a dog and fight with team owners, might cause Michael to relapse.
TUESDAY, August 9, 2011
Standard & Poors stunned the U.S. financial community by downgrading the country's credit rating from AAA to AA+. To put this in terms the average American can understand, the U.S. government -- without a co-signer like China or India -- would not qualify to borrow $300 from Payday Loans to buy a 1947 Buick.
"Cowboys & Aliens," Universal's new scifi oater currently enjoying boffo box office receipts, stars Daniel Craig and Harrison Ford as cowpokes who can't seem to shake old habits. Craig's James Bond keeps surfacing to order a martini "stirred not shaken," and Ford is the first Old West cowboy to wear a fedora .
"Rise of the Planet of the Apes," the prequel to 1968's "Planet of the Apes," grossed a respectable $54 million, sailing past the Jason Batman pablum-fest, "The Chang Up." Industry insiders credited the simian cinema's strength to improved special effects, audience hunger for a summer hit, and the absence of Charlston Heston.
The City fathers of Los Angeles have come up with an ambitious plan to build a multi-million dollar new football stadium with a retractable roof. Designed to look like a giant Roach Motel, top NFL draft choices will be lured inside by Hollywood starlets where they'll quickly become immobilized on the sticky floor until they agree to play in Los Angeles.
Fans of Lucille Ball flocked to her hometown of Jamestown, New York to celebrate the redhead's 100th birthday at a five-day festival. In Havana, Fidel Castro marked the event by naming Dezi Arnaz Cuba's most famous favorite son.
"Cowboys & Aliens," Universal's new scifi oater currently enjoying boffo box office receipts, stars Daniel Craig and Harrison Ford as cowpokes who can't seem to shake old habits. Craig's James Bond keeps surfacing to order a martini "stirred not shaken," and Ford is the first Old West cowboy to wear a fedora .
"Rise of the Planet of the Apes," the prequel to 1968's "Planet of the Apes," grossed a respectable $54 million, sailing past the Jason Batman pablum-fest, "The Chang Up." Industry insiders credited the simian cinema's strength to improved special effects, audience hunger for a summer hit, and the absence of Charlston Heston.
The City fathers of Los Angeles have come up with an ambitious plan to build a multi-million dollar new football stadium with a retractable roof. Designed to look like a giant Roach Motel, top NFL draft choices will be lured inside by Hollywood starlets where they'll quickly become immobilized on the sticky floor until they agree to play in Los Angeles.
Fans of Lucille Ball flocked to her hometown of Jamestown, New York to celebrate the redhead's 100th birthday at a five-day festival. In Havana, Fidel Castro marked the event by naming Dezi Arnaz Cuba's most famous favorite son.
MONDAY, August 8, 2011
The Board of Directors of the Muscular Dystrophy Association removed Jerry Lewis as their national director after 45 years. Some thought the way they notified him was a tad unfeeling -- a six-word telegram that said "From now on you're walking alone."
To help smooth the transition of military personnel re-entering civilian life, President Obama has proposed a "boot camp" to reacclimate the former GIs. Included in the training would be reveille at 8am to encourage sleeping in, two-block marches walking the family dog and finger calisthenics operating the TV remote.
This year marks the 100th anniversary of the famous Rolls-Royce hood ornament, "Spirit of Ecstasy." According to legend, it's the Greek god Venus pursuing Atlas. Actually, she's glancing back at the driver with a look that says "What kind of idiot would pay this much for a car that gets such lousy gas mileage?"
Texas governor Rick Perry hosted an evangelical answer to the country's problems at Houston's Reliant Stadium with an event he called "Prayer-0-Palooza," featuring sermons, hymns and spiritual enlightenment. Highlight was when Lady Gaga came out and turned her dress into loaves and fishes.
McDonald officials in Beijing announced they'll open one new restaurant a day over the next four years. All 1420 restaurants will feature a culture-friendly menu more in tune with China's culinary history -- Kung Pao Chicken McNuggets, Moo Shoo McPork and Peking McDuck.
To help smooth the transition of military personnel re-entering civilian life, President Obama has proposed a "boot camp" to reacclimate the former GIs. Included in the training would be reveille at 8am to encourage sleeping in, two-block marches walking the family dog and finger calisthenics operating the TV remote.
This year marks the 100th anniversary of the famous Rolls-Royce hood ornament, "Spirit of Ecstasy." According to legend, it's the Greek god Venus pursuing Atlas. Actually, she's glancing back at the driver with a look that says "What kind of idiot would pay this much for a car that gets such lousy gas mileage?"
Texas governor Rick Perry hosted an evangelical answer to the country's problems at Houston's Reliant Stadium with an event he called "Prayer-0-Palooza," featuring sermons, hymns and spiritual enlightenment. Highlight was when Lady Gaga came out and turned her dress into loaves and fishes.
McDonald officials in Beijing announced they'll open one new restaurant a day over the next four years. All 1420 restaurants will feature a culture-friendly menu more in tune with China's culinary history -- Kung Pao Chicken McNuggets, Moo Shoo McPork and Peking McDuck.
FRI, SAT, SUN, August 5 ,6 ,7 2011
Old time politicians are comparing New Jersey's 250-pound governor Chris Christie to Grover Cleveland, the porkiest president in U.S. history. Christie is so fat, when he flies he has to buy two seats and pay for the extra power it takes the TSA x-ray machine to see through him.
Police were summoned to Wall Street when three performance artists removed their clothes to protest the behavior of stock manipulators. Nonetheless, before the cops showed up one of the brokers somehow managed to pick the pocket of one of them.
After serving a two year sentence for brandishing a firearm in a nightclub and shooting himself in the leg, NFL wide receiver Plaxico Burress has signed with the New York Jets. His first day back, one of the wiseacre trainers pulled a practical joke on him and sewed his prison number across the back of his jersey.
Chinese physicists have completed a study that concluded that time travel, either into the past or the future, is impossible. The findings were based on formulas confirming the speed of light, principals derived from the laws of quantum physics and the ancient Chinese admonition "No tickee, no laundry!"
President Obama may order a stop to the recall of 36 million pounds of ground turkey found to contain salmonella. Makes sense. He's been advised that the expense of slaughtering this year's White House Thanksgiving turkey could be avoided by simply allowing the disease to run its course.
Police were summoned to Wall Street when three performance artists removed their clothes to protest the behavior of stock manipulators. Nonetheless, before the cops showed up one of the brokers somehow managed to pick the pocket of one of them.
After serving a two year sentence for brandishing a firearm in a nightclub and shooting himself in the leg, NFL wide receiver Plaxico Burress has signed with the New York Jets. His first day back, one of the wiseacre trainers pulled a practical joke on him and sewed his prison number across the back of his jersey.
Chinese physicists have completed a study that concluded that time travel, either into the past or the future, is impossible. The findings were based on formulas confirming the speed of light, principals derived from the laws of quantum physics and the ancient Chinese admonition "No tickee, no laundry!"
President Obama may order a stop to the recall of 36 million pounds of ground turkey found to contain salmonella. Makes sense. He's been advised that the expense of slaughtering this year's White House Thanksgiving turkey could be avoided by simply allowing the disease to run its course.
THURSDAY, August 4, 2011
A Mississippi dad was cited by police when they discovered he had allowed his eight-year old son to drive the family car for more than forty miles on a major interstate. The father told police he was putting safety first -- the boy was the only one in the vehicle wearing shoes.
Now that NFL owners and players have reached an agreement, training camps are back in full swing. And not a moment too soon. Apparently a lot of players spent their time during the lockout pounding down the Big Macs -- eight out of ten wide receivers now are.
America's largest clothing chain, the Gap, is making an all out effort to redefine its image after failing to post a profit since 2005. A recent survey showed the brand is viewed unfavorably when compared to its closest competitors Old Navy and Banana Republic. Even worse, it ranks below a real banana republic -- El Salvador.
One of the provisions in the newly-ratified agreement between NFL players and owners is an "educational outreach program." The players will return to their colleges on alumni day and apologize to their classmates who had to actually
attend classes to earn their degree.
Long thought to be the result of a shrinking population, the exodus of nude Germans sunbathers at formerly popular Baltic seaports has finally been explained. The Germans haven't given up nude sunbathing -- they just decided to invade the beaches in Poland.
Now that NFL owners and players have reached an agreement, training camps are back in full swing. And not a moment too soon. Apparently a lot of players spent their time during the lockout pounding down the Big Macs -- eight out of ten wide receivers now are.
America's largest clothing chain, the Gap, is making an all out effort to redefine its image after failing to post a profit since 2005. A recent survey showed the brand is viewed unfavorably when compared to its closest competitors Old Navy and Banana Republic. Even worse, it ranks below a real banana republic -- El Salvador.
One of the provisions in the newly-ratified agreement between NFL players and owners is an "educational outreach program." The players will return to their colleges on alumni day and apologize to their classmates who had to actually
attend classes to earn their degree.
Long thought to be the result of a shrinking population, the exodus of nude Germans sunbathers at formerly popular Baltic seaports has finally been explained. The Germans haven't given up nude sunbathing -- they just decided to invade the beaches in Poland.
WEDNESDAY, August 3, 2011
While sightseeing in Monaco, three blonds (one driving) crashed their $363,000 Bentley Azure into the rear of a $91,000 Mercedes-Benz S Class which then careened into a $186,000 Ferrari F430 which then clipped a 4-door
$228,000 Aston Martin Rapide which came to rest on the hood of a stray $77,000 Porche 911. With that much damage, it would be pointless to call Triple A, right? So the blonds did the next logical thing -- they called
Quadruple A.
The New England Patriots are so thrilled to have acquired the experienced (and some fear a bit over-the-hill) Chad Ochocinco from the Cincinnati Bengals, they have already set aside an entire day in his honor. They're calling it
"Ochocinco de Mayo."
Lady Gaga is reported to be very excited that her book of photographs taken on tour is scheduled for worldwide publication in November. According to her publisher, Grand Central Publishing, the book will offer fans plenty of
beefcake -- and that's just her wardrobe.
Herbarists from the Chinese Academy of Sciences in Shenyang discovered the largest mushroom ever recorded -- a giant half-ton fungus four city blocks long. Investigation revealed that it was grown by Tim Burton for the teacup scene in "Alice in Wonderland" and left behind by the Disney film crew.
Ford recalled 1.2 million F-150 pick-up trucks after reports that their fuel tanks were falling off. Also, several instances have been reported where the gun rack in the cab worked loose and accidentally discharged the deer rifle which exploded the six-pack sitting beside the driver.
$228,000 Aston Martin Rapide which came to rest on the hood of a stray $77,000 Porche 911. With that much damage, it would be pointless to call Triple A, right? So the blonds did the next logical thing -- they called
Quadruple A.
The New England Patriots are so thrilled to have acquired the experienced (and some fear a bit over-the-hill) Chad Ochocinco from the Cincinnati Bengals, they have already set aside an entire day in his honor. They're calling it
"Ochocinco de Mayo."
Lady Gaga is reported to be very excited that her book of photographs taken on tour is scheduled for worldwide publication in November. According to her publisher, Grand Central Publishing, the book will offer fans plenty of
beefcake -- and that's just her wardrobe.
Herbarists from the Chinese Academy of Sciences in Shenyang discovered the largest mushroom ever recorded -- a giant half-ton fungus four city blocks long. Investigation revealed that it was grown by Tim Burton for the teacup scene in "Alice in Wonderland" and left behind by the Disney film crew.
Ford recalled 1.2 million F-150 pick-up trucks after reports that their fuel tanks were falling off. Also, several instances have been reported where the gun rack in the cab worked loose and accidentally discharged the deer rifle which exploded the six-pack sitting beside the driver.
TUESDAY, AUGUST 2, 2011
A young female shopper in Pendleton, Oregon was taking advantage of Wal-Mart's "Back-to-School" sale when security personnel tactfully asked her to don a T-shirt over her barely effective bikini top. She finally agreed to don the T-shirt, but not before the greeter conducted a three-hour interrogation.
That 22-year old former Playboy Bunny who got cold feet and left Hugh Hefner stranded at the altar last month will nonetheless collect a sizable settlement from Mr. Hefner. An unlucky break for Hef, but his lawyers' hands are tied. It's all spelled out very clearly in the pre-autopsy agreement.
President Obama has unveiled new fuel efficiency standards for cars and light trucks. He's also predicting that the housing market will rebound and average people will again be able to afford their own homes. Unfortunately, they'll be those same cars and light trucks.
Wal-Mart has announced that it will begin streaming live on its web site, walmart.com. It's kind of an educational site. Now you can learn how Wal-Mart stock clerks unload the cargo containers from China.
Greenway University, advertised as the first college equipped to teach the cultivation and harvesting of cannabis for medicinal purposes, has been ordered to close its doors. It really wasn't the first, though. That honor goes to Texas A&M -- Acid and Marijuana.
That 22-year old former Playboy Bunny who got cold feet and left Hugh Hefner stranded at the altar last month will nonetheless collect a sizable settlement from Mr. Hefner. An unlucky break for Hef, but his lawyers' hands are tied. It's all spelled out very clearly in the pre-autopsy agreement.
President Obama has unveiled new fuel efficiency standards for cars and light trucks. He's also predicting that the housing market will rebound and average people will again be able to afford their own homes. Unfortunately, they'll be those same cars and light trucks.
Wal-Mart has announced that it will begin streaming live on its web site, walmart.com. It's kind of an educational site. Now you can learn how Wal-Mart stock clerks unload the cargo containers from China.
Greenway University, advertised as the first college equipped to teach the cultivation and harvesting of cannabis for medicinal purposes, has been ordered to close its doors. It really wasn't the first, though. That honor goes to Texas A&M -- Acid and Marijuana.
MONDAY, August 1, 2011
Jeopardy host Alex Trebeck surprised a burglar in his San Francisco Hotel room and chased him down the hall, tearing his Achilles Tendon in the process. The thief got away but not before tossing the loot in an ice machine. And now, in the form of a question -- "What famous game show host stays in hotels where you have to get your own ice?"
In danger of losing its triple A credit rating for the first time in history, the U.S. has been given the chilling news by the Treasury department that Apple Computer's cash reserves of $76.4 billion exceed the $73.7 billion currently held by the government. Apple CEO Steve Jobs was unavailable for comment, said to be busy assembling a cabinet and preparing for his inauguration.
A survey on underage drinking shows that Vermont is the teen-tippler capital of the nation with 36% of 12 to 20-year-olds admitting to sampling John Barleycorn. Hey, this is Vermont, folks. Wouldn't you think their parents could tell the difference between J&B Scotch and Dolly Madison pancake syrup?
Embarrassed executives at Continental Airlines admitted last week that twenty-four flights had to be cancelled because the airline ran out of pilots. It's a strange story that's baffling the FAA. There they all were, at the airport bar for a preflight pick-me-up when suddenly -- they were gone.
In an upcoming film based on the trapped Chilean miners, we finally learn how the miners were located so quickly. The president of Chili calls the producer of "Entertainment Tonight," who leaks a false rumor that Lindsay Lohan has been
sentenced to perform community service in a Chilean mine and the paparazzi finds them.
In danger of losing its triple A credit rating for the first time in history, the U.S. has been given the chilling news by the Treasury department that Apple Computer's cash reserves of $76.4 billion exceed the $73.7 billion currently held by the government. Apple CEO Steve Jobs was unavailable for comment, said to be busy assembling a cabinet and preparing for his inauguration.
A survey on underage drinking shows that Vermont is the teen-tippler capital of the nation with 36% of 12 to 20-year-olds admitting to sampling John Barleycorn. Hey, this is Vermont, folks. Wouldn't you think their parents could tell the difference between J&B Scotch and Dolly Madison pancake syrup?
Embarrassed executives at Continental Airlines admitted last week that twenty-four flights had to be cancelled because the airline ran out of pilots. It's a strange story that's baffling the FAA. There they all were, at the airport bar for a preflight pick-me-up when suddenly -- they were gone.
In an upcoming film based on the trapped Chilean miners, we finally learn how the miners were located so quickly. The president of Chili calls the producer of "Entertainment Tonight," who leaks a false rumor that Lindsay Lohan has been
sentenced to perform community service in a Chilean mine and the paparazzi finds them.
FRI, SAT, SUN, July 29, 30, 31
In an attempt to lend a hand to American buyers who have hit on hard times, IKEA is offering cheaper assemble-yourself furniture. And for evicted homeowners, the crate the parts come in easily converts into a makeshift homeless shelter.
Bowing to criticism that they have been a major contributor to childhood obesity, McDonald's will offer kids a more healthy "Happy Meal" that includes fruit along with a smaller portion of French Fries. New name, too. From now on it will be called the "Be Happy It's Not All Broccoli Meal."
The city of Fremont, Michigan hosted their first annual Baby Food Festival last week. Keynote speaker was an executive from Gerber's whose talk was entitled "Don't Knock Strained Carrots -- Wait 'Til You're Toothless in a Senior Retirement Center."
Formerly the quickie marriage capital of the world, Las Vegas is in such a slump, they're now encouraging people to renew their wedding vows. One cut-rate chapel is offering a great deal to repeat customers. If you'll renew your vows, they'll renew the thin layer of gold that quickly wore off the cheap wedding ring they sold you.
A man in southern California got tired of waiting for Medicare, so he decided to perform his own hernia surgery at home. Then strange things happened. His handwriting became illegible, he developed an overwhelming desire to play golf on Wednesdays and he over-billed himself.
Bowing to criticism that they have been a major contributor to childhood obesity, McDonald's will offer kids a more healthy "Happy Meal" that includes fruit along with a smaller portion of French Fries. New name, too. From now on it will be called the "Be Happy It's Not All Broccoli Meal."
The city of Fremont, Michigan hosted their first annual Baby Food Festival last week. Keynote speaker was an executive from Gerber's whose talk was entitled "Don't Knock Strained Carrots -- Wait 'Til You're Toothless in a Senior Retirement Center."
Formerly the quickie marriage capital of the world, Las Vegas is in such a slump, they're now encouraging people to renew their wedding vows. One cut-rate chapel is offering a great deal to repeat customers. If you'll renew your vows, they'll renew the thin layer of gold that quickly wore off the cheap wedding ring they sold you.
A man in southern California got tired of waiting for Medicare, so he decided to perform his own hernia surgery at home. Then strange things happened. His handwriting became illegible, he developed an overwhelming desire to play golf on Wednesdays and he over-billed himself.
THURSDAY, July 28, 2011
Top Pentagon general David Petraeus has left his command in Afghanistan to assume his new assignment heading up the C.I.A. The Agency works undercover in plain clothes which could be a problem for him. In the Army "plain clothes" means wearing only half your medals.
An alarming study has discovered that children now spend so much time indoors playing video games, they lack Vitamin D, an essential nutriant found in sunlight. Or, as those of you who grew up taking Flintstone Vitamins know it -- "Pebbles."
Major crimes committed against farmers are on the rise including livestock and crop theft, extortion and farmhouse invasion robberies. The problem is growing so rapidly, CBS is rushing to develop a new Fall series called "CSI: Green Acres."
Yuo Ming, the first Chinese-born basketball player to make it to the NBA, has hung up his Adidas. Throughout his career, he was a perfect role model for NBA players. He was never charged with a DUI, never caught with a gun in his locker and never had to buy expensive jewelry for his wife.
A study conducted by anthropologists from Oxford University concluded that the human eye becomes larger the further away from the equator the person lives due to the necessity of processing images in subdued light. The phenomenon was confirmed by male boys age 13-18 observing their first bare female breasts in a darkened bedroom.
An alarming study has discovered that children now spend so much time indoors playing video games, they lack Vitamin D, an essential nutriant found in sunlight. Or, as those of you who grew up taking Flintstone Vitamins know it -- "Pebbles."
Major crimes committed against farmers are on the rise including livestock and crop theft, extortion and farmhouse invasion robberies. The problem is growing so rapidly, CBS is rushing to develop a new Fall series called "CSI: Green Acres."
Yuo Ming, the first Chinese-born basketball player to make it to the NBA, has hung up his Adidas. Throughout his career, he was a perfect role model for NBA players. He was never charged with a DUI, never caught with a gun in his locker and never had to buy expensive jewelry for his wife.
A study conducted by anthropologists from Oxford University concluded that the human eye becomes larger the further away from the equator the person lives due to the necessity of processing images in subdued light. The phenomenon was confirmed by male boys age 13-18 observing their first bare female breasts in a darkened bedroom.
WEDNESDAY, July 27, 2011
A free fall skydiver in Minnesota found his iPhone in perfect working order after he had dropped it from 13,000 feet. Falls aren't the problem. Tiger Woods proved that the most dangerous distance is the three feet between the message screen and a wife's eyes.
According to court records, Kim Kardashian has filed a multi-million dollar
lawsuit against Old Navy for unauthorized use of her image in an ad. It isn't
likeness to her that Kim objects to -- it's the men's T-shirts the ad is trying to sell: "I'm With Trailer Trash."
Tourists are taking advantage of Jefferson City Missouri's offer of an overnight in jail for only $30. plus tax and gratuity. The "Mugshot Special" includes a gruel dinner, a cellmate who plays the harmonica -- and you get to keep the tin cup and orange jumpsuit with "Missouri Dept. of Corrections" stenciled on the back.
A record price is expected to be bid for a Marilyn Monroe sex video only recently discovered in a rare film shop. The video may sell for even more as an item of sports memorabilia. The guy wearing the Lone Ranger mask and black socks bears a striking resemblance to Joe DiMaggio.
The youngest champion in U.S. Open history, 21-year old Rory McIlroy has broken up with his girlfriend of three years. Neighbors recalled their final argument in which they heard her yell "It's our anniversary and you prefer to play GOLF?"
According to court records, Kim Kardashian has filed a multi-million dollar
lawsuit against Old Navy for unauthorized use of her image in an ad. It isn't
likeness to her that Kim objects to -- it's the men's T-shirts the ad is trying to sell: "I'm With Trailer Trash."
Tourists are taking advantage of Jefferson City Missouri's offer of an overnight in jail for only $30. plus tax and gratuity. The "Mugshot Special" includes a gruel dinner, a cellmate who plays the harmonica -- and you get to keep the tin cup and orange jumpsuit with "Missouri Dept. of Corrections" stenciled on the back.
A record price is expected to be bid for a Marilyn Monroe sex video only recently discovered in a rare film shop. The video may sell for even more as an item of sports memorabilia. The guy wearing the Lone Ranger mask and black socks bears a striking resemblance to Joe DiMaggio.
The youngest champion in U.S. Open history, 21-year old Rory McIlroy has broken up with his girlfriend of three years. Neighbors recalled their final argument in which they heard her yell "It's our anniversary and you prefer to play GOLF?"
TUESDAY, July 26, 2011
"Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows" continues to rake in solid box office receipts. But it may be at the cost of good health. Accountants at Warner Bros. who have handled the cash pouring in have developed strange skin eruptions that dermatologists have named -- for want of a better term -- "hogwarts."
After Yankee fan Chris Lopez caught Derek Jeter's 3000th hit and gave it back to him without asking for money, Miller Brewing Company offered to pay off the generous lad's outstanding student loans. Even better, Cameron Diaz has guaranteed him a bit part in "Bad Teacher 2."
The record heat wave blanketing the country has set records from coast-to-coast. Last week Minnesota, the ice-fishing capital of the world, posted a whopping 125 degrees. It was so hot in Lake Wobegone, Garrison Keillor's prairie home companion was his room air conditioner.
After watching profits plummet for nearly a decade while the sales of e-books spiraled upwards, Borders Books have tossed in the towel. And it's about time. It was hard to tell which borders were the least popular, the bookstores or the ones in Arizona.
DC Comics has made the shocking announcement that Superman and Lois Lane are splitting up. One would think that Superman has to be the best lover on earth, right? Wrong! Lois claims that by the time he extricates himself from those leotards, she's out of the mood.
After Yankee fan Chris Lopez caught Derek Jeter's 3000th hit and gave it back to him without asking for money, Miller Brewing Company offered to pay off the generous lad's outstanding student loans. Even better, Cameron Diaz has guaranteed him a bit part in "Bad Teacher 2."
The record heat wave blanketing the country has set records from coast-to-coast. Last week Minnesota, the ice-fishing capital of the world, posted a whopping 125 degrees. It was so hot in Lake Wobegone, Garrison Keillor's prairie home companion was his room air conditioner.
After watching profits plummet for nearly a decade while the sales of e-books spiraled upwards, Borders Books have tossed in the towel. And it's about time. It was hard to tell which borders were the least popular, the bookstores or the ones in Arizona.
DC Comics has made the shocking announcement that Superman and Lois Lane are splitting up. One would think that Superman has to be the best lover on earth, right? Wrong! Lois claims that by the time he extricates himself from those leotards, she's out of the mood.
MONDAY, July 25, 2011
Looks like the NFL players will reach an agreement with team owners any minute now. Turns out the big hangup isn't players' salaries, working conditions or pension benefits -- the coaches are pushing for a provision that would allow them to Photo Shop the Instant Replay.
Donald trump's wife, Ivanka, gave birth to a baby girl over the weekend. Donald insists that he wasn't expecting a boy but can't seem to explain the Three Wise Men who showed up at New York University Hospital carrying gold, frankincense and myrrh.
An Atlanta Braves game was interrupted last week when a man dressed in a white satin, hand-embroidered wedding dress and high heels suddenly appeared on the field. Before cops could hustle him off, a near-sighted umpire married him to Atlanta's third base coach.
The Tennessee department of Education reports that enrolment at Frayser High School in Memphis currently includes ninety pregnant students. Hey, here's a great project for this year's Inter-Scholastic Science Fair: "How Condoms Work."
According to a study commissioned by Men's Health Magazine, men who live in Lexington, Kentucky are the least likely to exercise. A whopping 83% of the men surveyed there listed "The Colonel" as their personal fitness coach.
Donald trump's wife, Ivanka, gave birth to a baby girl over the weekend. Donald insists that he wasn't expecting a boy but can't seem to explain the Three Wise Men who showed up at New York University Hospital carrying gold, frankincense and myrrh.
An Atlanta Braves game was interrupted last week when a man dressed in a white satin, hand-embroidered wedding dress and high heels suddenly appeared on the field. Before cops could hustle him off, a near-sighted umpire married him to Atlanta's third base coach.
The Tennessee department of Education reports that enrolment at Frayser High School in Memphis currently includes ninety pregnant students. Hey, here's a great project for this year's Inter-Scholastic Science Fair: "How Condoms Work."
According to a study commissioned by Men's Health Magazine, men who live in Lexington, Kentucky are the least likely to exercise. A whopping 83% of the men surveyed there listed "The Colonel" as their personal fitness coach.
FRI, SAT, SUN, July 22, 23, 24, 2011
Following the World Cup win by Japan in women's soccer, news was released that five North Korean girls had tested positive for performance enhancing steroids. Of course they all denied it. One of them even threw out her bronze medal in protest. But not before bending it in half.
The Dali Lama, currently on a world tour, stopped in at the White House for a meeting with President Obama. When reporters told Sarah Palin of the visit, she said, "I think have a sweater made out of that."
Health inspectors from the state of Nevada have been called in to investigate reports that Las Vegas's Aria Resort and Casino was experiencing an outbreak of Legionnaire's Disease. A similar outbreak was reported at the Lido, but it was French Foreign Legionnaire's Disease.
Charlie Sheen will now host a TBS series called "Anger Management." In the first episode, he and guest Mel Gibson the throw furniture out the window, hack the set to pieces with machetes and sexually assault several female production assistants before Charlie announces that next week's guest will be Dr. Dru to explain it all.
Considered the most hated person in the world aside from Korea's Kim Jong Il , Casey Anthony decided to alter her appearance with plastic surgery. But it looks like Casey's long nightmare will probably continue. She had the surgeon try to duplicate Nancy Grace.
The Dali Lama, currently on a world tour, stopped in at the White House for a meeting with President Obama. When reporters told Sarah Palin of the visit, she said, "I think have a sweater made out of that."
Health inspectors from the state of Nevada have been called in to investigate reports that Las Vegas's Aria Resort and Casino was experiencing an outbreak of Legionnaire's Disease. A similar outbreak was reported at the Lido, but it was French Foreign Legionnaire's Disease.
Charlie Sheen will now host a TBS series called "Anger Management." In the first episode, he and guest Mel Gibson the throw furniture out the window, hack the set to pieces with machetes and sexually assault several female production assistants before Charlie announces that next week's guest will be Dr. Dru to explain it all.
Considered the most hated person in the world aside from Korea's Kim Jong Il , Casey Anthony decided to alter her appearance with plastic surgery. But it looks like Casey's long nightmare will probably continue. She had the surgeon try to duplicate Nancy Grace.
THURSDAY, July 21, 2011
A woman in Austin, Texas gave birth to a 16 pound baby. The obstetrician got some laughs in the delivery room when he began singing the old
Tennessee Ernie hit "You load 16 pounds and what do you get... another day older and deeper in debt. . . "
A team of psychologists has discovered that showing people photos that evoke unpleasant memories improved their memories overall. They first noticed the phenomena when they showed Maria Shriver a picture of Arnold Schwarzenegger and she suddenly remembered he's a Republican.
Lindsay Lohan's mom has signed to appear on "Dancing With the Stars." By sheer coincidence, the Lindser will appear on a new show, "Dancing Around the Truth" with Star Jones.
A tiny insect called the lesser Water Boatman is, according to a study by the Cochrane Data Base, the loudest animal on earth relative to its size. Its
mating call is produced when it rubs its sex organs on its abdomen. No wonder. If we did that, we'd be loud, too.
A teenager in Russia recently set a world record by typing the English alphabet on his iPad in 5.26 seconds. He might have done it even faster, but he
was driving at the time.
Tennessee Ernie hit "You load 16 pounds and what do you get... another day older and deeper in debt. . . "
A team of psychologists has discovered that showing people photos that evoke unpleasant memories improved their memories overall. They first noticed the phenomena when they showed Maria Shriver a picture of Arnold Schwarzenegger and she suddenly remembered he's a Republican.
Lindsay Lohan's mom has signed to appear on "Dancing With the Stars." By sheer coincidence, the Lindser will appear on a new show, "Dancing Around the Truth" with Star Jones.
A tiny insect called the lesser Water Boatman is, according to a study by the Cochrane Data Base, the loudest animal on earth relative to its size. Its
mating call is produced when it rubs its sex organs on its abdomen. No wonder. If we did that, we'd be loud, too.
A teenager in Russia recently set a world record by typing the English alphabet on his iPad in 5.26 seconds. He might have done it even faster, but he
was driving at the time.
WEDNESDAY, July 20, 2011
Publishing mega-mogul Rupert Murdoch was called before Parliament to answer questions about why his reporters hacked the telephones of private citizens to spy on their activities, collect data on their daily lives and use the personal information to coerce them to do his bidding. There's a problem with that? Haven't they heard of Google?
Maryland has passed a law requiring all high schools to add "Environmental Literacy" to their requirements to graduate. Now they don't mean graduates must be versed in the complexities of climate change, air pollution and toxic waste disposal -- they must just be able to name the city their school is in.
Despite a heroic effort that went into overtime, the American woman's soccer team failed to defeat Japan for the coveted World Cup. Nonetheless, it was an historic match for the American net nymphs. When the game was over, no one stripped down to their sports bra.
Former diamond wizard Roger Clemens was stunned when his perjury trial was dismissed on the first day because prosecutors introduced evidence the judge had ruled inadmissible. What were they thinking? What does a corked bat have to do with lying?
A North Dakota teacher, doing a research project on the state's early history, discovered a loophole in the constitution that could mean North Dakota is still a territory. You think that's a shocker? A college professor in Phoenix claims to have found a dog-eared scrap of parchment that proves Arizona still belongs to Mexico.
Maryland has passed a law requiring all high schools to add "Environmental Literacy" to their requirements to graduate. Now they don't mean graduates must be versed in the complexities of climate change, air pollution and toxic waste disposal -- they must just be able to name the city their school is in.
Despite a heroic effort that went into overtime, the American woman's soccer team failed to defeat Japan for the coveted World Cup. Nonetheless, it was an historic match for the American net nymphs. When the game was over, no one stripped down to their sports bra.
Former diamond wizard Roger Clemens was stunned when his perjury trial was dismissed on the first day because prosecutors introduced evidence the judge had ruled inadmissible. What were they thinking? What does a corked bat have to do with lying?
A North Dakota teacher, doing a research project on the state's early history, discovered a loophole in the constitution that could mean North Dakota is still a territory. You think that's a shocker? A college professor in Phoenix claims to have found a dog-eared scrap of parchment that proves Arizona still belongs to Mexico.
TUESDAY, July 19, 2011
After seven years of what appeared to be an idyllic marriage, Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony are calling in the divorce lawyers. This is Jay-Lo's third go-round in Cupid's Rumpus Room. Apparently, she's in the habit of adding a "butt" after her promise to love, honor and obey.
A contestant on the Jerry Seinfeld-produced "The Marraige Ref" has filed suit against Jerry for breaking up his marriage. Seinfeld admitted that the show almost broke up his own marriage, too. Mrs. Seinfeld happened to see it once.
A study commissioned by the Robert Wood Johnson Founbdation revealed that obesity rates in the South are reaching catastrophic levels -- to health,
well-being and lifespan. They're really packing on the pounds down there. Just last week, they had to punch three more holes in the Bible Belt.
A 747 taxiing on the runway of the Dallas-Ft. Worth Airport clipped the tail on a smaller regional airliner. The FAA, trying to put the most positive spin on the incident, explained that they were just trying to mate.
The Discovery Channel is gearing up for their much-anticipated annual "Shark Week." Viewers will notice an added bonus this year. They've added toxic mortgage brokers.
A contestant on the Jerry Seinfeld-produced "The Marraige Ref" has filed suit against Jerry for breaking up his marriage. Seinfeld admitted that the show almost broke up his own marriage, too. Mrs. Seinfeld happened to see it once.
A study commissioned by the Robert Wood Johnson Founbdation revealed that obesity rates in the South are reaching catastrophic levels -- to health,
well-being and lifespan. They're really packing on the pounds down there. Just last week, they had to punch three more holes in the Bible Belt.
A 747 taxiing on the runway of the Dallas-Ft. Worth Airport clipped the tail on a smaller regional airliner. The FAA, trying to put the most positive spin on the incident, explained that they were just trying to mate.
The Discovery Channel is gearing up for their much-anticipated annual "Shark Week." Viewers will notice an added bonus this year. They've added toxic mortgage brokers.
MONDAY, July 18, 2011
Unemployment is so rampant, no one has any money to gamble anymore. So Las Vegas casinos are now allowed by law to take bets on non-sporting events like who'll become the next Miss America, which movie will win Best Picture and what brand of cold cuts Lady Gaga will wear at her next concert appearance.
The U.S. has bid a fond farewell to the Atlantis space shuttle, after years of faithful service despite stuck toilets, missing tiles and returns to Houston piggy-backed on a 747. No, wait a minute -- sorry -- that's Oprah.
A mother in Austin, Texas gave birth to a boy who weighed over 16 pounds. Luckily, the hospital is located next to a Home Depot because the obstetrician had to send out for barbecue tongs.
Some Catholics were outraged over reports that the Vatican was negotiating to purchase Orange County's Crystal Cathedral. But here's the pope's reasoning -- he figures priests will think twice before molesting children in front of all those window washers.
The governor of Ohio has signed a bill that legalizes carrying a concealed weapon into a bar. It's about time. Finally, a better way to settle a bar tab than liar's dice.
The U.S. has bid a fond farewell to the Atlantis space shuttle, after years of faithful service despite stuck toilets, missing tiles and returns to Houston piggy-backed on a 747. No, wait a minute -- sorry -- that's Oprah.
A mother in Austin, Texas gave birth to a boy who weighed over 16 pounds. Luckily, the hospital is located next to a Home Depot because the obstetrician had to send out for barbecue tongs.
Some Catholics were outraged over reports that the Vatican was negotiating to purchase Orange County's Crystal Cathedral. But here's the pope's reasoning -- he figures priests will think twice before molesting children in front of all those window washers.
The governor of Ohio has signed a bill that legalizes carrying a concealed weapon into a bar. It's about time. Finally, a better way to settle a bar tab than liar's dice.
FRI, SAT, SUN, July 15, 16, 17, 2011
An irate wife drugged her husband, tied him to their bed, cut off his penis and stuffed it down the garbage disposal. Just his luck, they had just installed the new "Genital 500" from Waste King.
As they do each year at this time, tourists are flocking to Pomplona, Spain to drink excessively and then taunt panicked young bulls as they run down the city's narrow streets. Many of them fall, slipping and sliding as they lose their balance. And that's just in their own vomit before the bulls are even released.
Explaining how a potential terrorist managed to slip past airport screeners without any identification, a TSA watchdog group pointed out that there ave been 25,000 breaches of security at U.S. airports. In their defense, a TSA official proudly pointed out that their x-ray machines have exposed six defective breast implants, an enlarged prostate and 116 Men's Warehouse suits falsely labeled "Armani."
Amid the usual English pomp and circumstance, the history-seeped British Open has begun at Royal St. George. Interesting how the course got its
name. Saint George was one of Jesus' favorite disciples -- and for good reason. Somehow, he could always manage to get a starting time at the
exclusive Gomorrah Country Club.
According to a national entomology study recently completed in Holland, Dutch motorists squash an estimated 133 billion flying insects every month.
Whenever they spot an insect heading into their path, they just can't stop fast enough. And with good reason. You ever tried stomping on the brake
peddle wearing a wooden shoe?
As they do each year at this time, tourists are flocking to Pomplona, Spain to drink excessively and then taunt panicked young bulls as they run down the city's narrow streets. Many of them fall, slipping and sliding as they lose their balance. And that's just in their own vomit before the bulls are even released.
Explaining how a potential terrorist managed to slip past airport screeners without any identification, a TSA watchdog group pointed out that there ave been 25,000 breaches of security at U.S. airports. In their defense, a TSA official proudly pointed out that their x-ray machines have exposed six defective breast implants, an enlarged prostate and 116 Men's Warehouse suits falsely labeled "Armani."
Amid the usual English pomp and circumstance, the history-seeped British Open has begun at Royal St. George. Interesting how the course got its
name. Saint George was one of Jesus' favorite disciples -- and for good reason. Somehow, he could always manage to get a starting time at the
exclusive Gomorrah Country Club.
According to a national entomology study recently completed in Holland, Dutch motorists squash an estimated 133 billion flying insects every month.
Whenever they spot an insect heading into their path, they just can't stop fast enough. And with good reason. You ever tried stomping on the brake
peddle wearing a wooden shoe?
THURSDAY, July 14, 2011
An international study found that Brits are happier and more productive listening to the radio than Americans watching TV and using the Internet. Experts credit the difference to the excellence of the BBC, the greater proportion of college graduates in the UK, and the fact that there's no British version of Rush Limbaugh.
Leading Tour de France cyclist Frank Schleck was taken ill after a Dragonfly flew into his open mouth during the race. As if those cyclists don't already have enough to worry about like getting enough sleep, eating a healthy diet and abstaining from sex, now they'll have to brush their teeth with windshield wiper fluid.
Following a weekend conjugal visit with her convict husband, a woman in Mexico was caught trying to sneak him out of the prison hidden in her luggage. She'd have gotten away with it, too, if the warden hadn't just purchased that new Swiss-trained husband-sniffing dog.
In response to calls to limit auto emissions, the White House has issued new mileage guidelines for electric cars and hybrids. They're more all-inclusive than usual with special requirements for individual models. For instance, a new Toyota must get at least 46.8 mpg on the highway and 37.2 city while the gas pedal is stuck to the floorboard.
Facebook has partnered with Skype to enable users not only to communicate with their new friends, but to look at them while they're friending. And from now on, you'll be able to post pictures of your weird-looking friends on your Wall. They got the idea from the Post Office.
Leading Tour de France cyclist Frank Schleck was taken ill after a Dragonfly flew into his open mouth during the race. As if those cyclists don't already have enough to worry about like getting enough sleep, eating a healthy diet and abstaining from sex, now they'll have to brush their teeth with windshield wiper fluid.
Following a weekend conjugal visit with her convict husband, a woman in Mexico was caught trying to sneak him out of the prison hidden in her luggage. She'd have gotten away with it, too, if the warden hadn't just purchased that new Swiss-trained husband-sniffing dog.
In response to calls to limit auto emissions, the White House has issued new mileage guidelines for electric cars and hybrids. They're more all-inclusive than usual with special requirements for individual models. For instance, a new Toyota must get at least 46.8 mpg on the highway and 37.2 city while the gas pedal is stuck to the floorboard.
Facebook has partnered with Skype to enable users not only to communicate with their new friends, but to look at them while they're friending. And from now on, you'll be able to post pictures of your weird-looking friends on your Wall. They got the idea from the Post Office.
WEDNESDAY, July 13, 2011
O.J. Simpson reportedly celebrated his 64th birthday this week with family members and the few friends he has. After they all had ice cream and cake that someone else sliced, they sang several choruses of the Beatles hit "Will You Still Think I'm Guilty When I'm Sixty-Four?"
Many Catholics were outraged over reports that the Vatican was negotiating with the bankruptcy court referee to purchase Orange County's Crystal Cathedral. The archbishop was quick to respond, telling them "Let he who lives in a glass cathedral cast the first stone."
According to the latest study on parenthood, a child today costs 22% more to raise than one born in 1961. In those days, parents saved a bundle on video games alone. The only video game the kids had back then was guessing the pin count on "Bowling For Dollars."
For the first time in its history Dunkin' Donuts is going public. Which is great news for law enforcement. From now on, when when cops pig out on empty calories, they can claim they're just helping their stock go up.
The owners of that 7,000 square foot L.A. mansion where the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge stayed over the weekend is now up for sale. May take awhile to move, though. Unless there's some buyer out there who's always longed to own a moat.
Many Catholics were outraged over reports that the Vatican was negotiating with the bankruptcy court referee to purchase Orange County's Crystal Cathedral. The archbishop was quick to respond, telling them "Let he who lives in a glass cathedral cast the first stone."
According to the latest study on parenthood, a child today costs 22% more to raise than one born in 1961. In those days, parents saved a bundle on video games alone. The only video game the kids had back then was guessing the pin count on "Bowling For Dollars."
For the first time in its history Dunkin' Donuts is going public. Which is great news for law enforcement. From now on, when when cops pig out on empty calories, they can claim they're just helping their stock go up.
The owners of that 7,000 square foot L.A. mansion where the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge stayed over the weekend is now up for sale. May take awhile to move, though. Unless there's some buyer out there who's always longed to own a moat.
TUESDAY, July 12, 2011
Everyone thought it a little strange when Natalie Portman announced that she'd named her new baby boy "Aleph." However, it was fully explainable. Seems she intended to name the kid Ralph, but the nurse filling out the tag on the maternity ward crib was dyslexic.
A young woman in Richmond, Kentucky was arrested for stealing an expensive diamond ring by swallowing it at a jewelry store counter. She's been charged with grand theft, shoplifting, and ingesting a controlled substance. The good news: an additional charge of concealing evidence will be dropped as soon as it shows up.
After the NBA Players Union rejected their latest offer, team owners staged a lockout. The term "lockout" isn't entirely accurate -- the players could still get to their lockers, but knowing that none of them have ever heard of Roman history, they just switched the combination locks to Roman numerals.
The California legislature passed a bill allowing school districts throughout the state to teach Gay History as an official course. Already, state colleges have made it a prerequisite for degrees in Broadway Musicology, Interior Design and Anthropological Artifact Acquisition.
Archaeologists digging in Israel uncovered 3,000-year old tiles believed to have been made by the Philistines. Graphologists concluded that the tiles were from an ancient lavatory when the inscription on them was translated to read: "For a Good Time Call Bathsheba at "Sodom I-XIV-XXIX"
A young woman in Richmond, Kentucky was arrested for stealing an expensive diamond ring by swallowing it at a jewelry store counter. She's been charged with grand theft, shoplifting, and ingesting a controlled substance. The good news: an additional charge of concealing evidence will be dropped as soon as it shows up.
After the NBA Players Union rejected their latest offer, team owners staged a lockout. The term "lockout" isn't entirely accurate -- the players could still get to their lockers, but knowing that none of them have ever heard of Roman history, they just switched the combination locks to Roman numerals.
The California legislature passed a bill allowing school districts throughout the state to teach Gay History as an official course. Already, state colleges have made it a prerequisite for degrees in Broadway Musicology, Interior Design and Anthropological Artifact Acquisition.
Archaeologists digging in Israel uncovered 3,000-year old tiles believed to have been made by the Philistines. Graphologists concluded that the tiles were from an ancient lavatory when the inscription on them was translated to read: "For a Good Time Call Bathsheba at "Sodom I-XIV-XXIX"
MONDAY, July 11. 2011
During their three-day visit to southern California, Prince William and the Duchess of Cambridge visited Santa Barbara where the Prince got in a spirited polo match. Afterwards he donated his mallet, saddle and jodhpurs to charity -- a night polo program for inner city gang members.
After several postponements, the trial of seven-time Cy Young Award winner Roger Clemons has gotten underway. Court watchers are pretty sure he'll start lying again, though. At his request, he was sworn in on a copy of "Beat the Odds My Way" by Pete Rose.
A coffee grower in Malaysia has developed a method of adding Viagra to a special blend of beans. Solid sales, but a weird side-effect. Men who begin drinking it regularly know what they're supposed to do but are too nervous to do it.
A survey by leading sunscreen maker Coppertone found that almost 75% of summer beach-goers violate some rule of sunbathing etiquette. Most common gaffs are wearing Spandex trunks three sizes too small, showing up at a nude beach fully clothed, and kicking medical waste on someone smaller than you are.
It's time once again for the annual running of the bulls in Pomplona, Spain. Some people claim that bullfighting is cruel. They don't realize that those bulls would be slaughtered anyway and supply enough beef to keep the entire McDonald's Corporation in business for a year.
After several postponements, the trial of seven-time Cy Young Award winner Roger Clemons has gotten underway. Court watchers are pretty sure he'll start lying again, though. At his request, he was sworn in on a copy of "Beat the Odds My Way" by Pete Rose.
A coffee grower in Malaysia has developed a method of adding Viagra to a special blend of beans. Solid sales, but a weird side-effect. Men who begin drinking it regularly know what they're supposed to do but are too nervous to do it.
A survey by leading sunscreen maker Coppertone found that almost 75% of summer beach-goers violate some rule of sunbathing etiquette. Most common gaffs are wearing Spandex trunks three sizes too small, showing up at a nude beach fully clothed, and kicking medical waste on someone smaller than you are.
It's time once again for the annual running of the bulls in Pomplona, Spain. Some people claim that bullfighting is cruel. They don't realize that those bulls would be slaughtered anyway and supply enough beef to keep the entire McDonald's Corporation in business for a year.
FRI, SAT, SUN, July 8, 9, 10, 2011
There's evidence that al Quaida may begin to equip suicide bombers with surgically implanted explosives. The bad news is airport screeners will now perform a full body scan, chest x-ray and colonoscopy. The good news is you're getting a state-of-the-art physical free.
California's ban on the use of cancer-causing tanning beds by minors may be the strictest in the nation. It prohibits the use of any device that emits ultraviolet, gamma, or x-rays as well as the glow that surrounds young starlets commanding more than $4 million per picture.
Meteorologists recently discovered that planes landing and taking off can alter the weather by puncturing rain clouds -- a phenomenon that Air traffic controllers discovered years ago. You ever meet a traffic controller who ever paid to have his car washed?
Religion police in the Gaza Strip will soon enforce a ban on male hairdressers on the grounds that men handling womens' hair violates Islamic tradition. Good luck to the Muslim women. Only a man has the strength to deliver a decent $85 shampoo, tint and set under those beekeeper's helmets they wear.
Visitors to the Windy City can now take a bus tour of famous gangster sites like Al Capone's vault, the garage where the St. Valentine's Day Massacre took place and several notorious speakeasies. The tours are doing well, but the most popular tourist attraction in Chicago is still the spot where Frank Sinatra saw a man dance with his wife.
California's ban on the use of cancer-causing tanning beds by minors may be the strictest in the nation. It prohibits the use of any device that emits ultraviolet, gamma, or x-rays as well as the glow that surrounds young starlets commanding more than $4 million per picture.
Meteorologists recently discovered that planes landing and taking off can alter the weather by puncturing rain clouds -- a phenomenon that Air traffic controllers discovered years ago. You ever meet a traffic controller who ever paid to have his car washed?
Religion police in the Gaza Strip will soon enforce a ban on male hairdressers on the grounds that men handling womens' hair violates Islamic tradition. Good luck to the Muslim women. Only a man has the strength to deliver a decent $85 shampoo, tint and set under those beekeeper's helmets they wear.
Visitors to the Windy City can now take a bus tour of famous gangster sites like Al Capone's vault, the garage where the St. Valentine's Day Massacre took place and several notorious speakeasies. The tours are doing well, but the most popular tourist attraction in Chicago is still the spot where Frank Sinatra saw a man dance with his wife.
THURSDAY, July 7, 2011
An anthropologist in London discovered a marijuana pipe buried in Shakespeare's garden. Nearby he found a crumpled parchment with phrases apparently written by The Bard while under the influence -- lines like "Hark, what rainbow-colored, groovy light through yonder window breaks?" and "To be or not to be stoned, that is the totally awesome question."
The 2011 Tour de France got off to a wild and dramatic start in the Vendee region of France as a multiple bike spill marred the first lap. There was a 3-hour delay while French police administered roadside tests for performance-enhancing drugs.
The NIH has released the results of a study that shows 20% of Americans are mentally ill. And 87% of those have appeared on the Jerry Springer Show, Judge Judy, the Jaywalking segment on the Tonight Show or served on the Casey Anthony jury.
Thanks to an unusually long drought and super-dry conditions, Phoenix, AZ experienced a two-mile high dust cloud that canceled scheduled flights. It got so bad, the usual immigration rules were waived and anyone could cross the border if they had a Weed-Eater, a leaf blower or a feather duster.
In the Burrough of the Bronx, New York, someone made off with a grand piano that had been included in a display celebrating the arts. Next day, three gang members from Queens were arrested for possession of thirty AK-47s and a loaded Steinway.
The 2011 Tour de France got off to a wild and dramatic start in the Vendee region of France as a multiple bike spill marred the first lap. There was a 3-hour delay while French police administered roadside tests for performance-enhancing drugs.
The NIH has released the results of a study that shows 20% of Americans are mentally ill. And 87% of those have appeared on the Jerry Springer Show, Judge Judy, the Jaywalking segment on the Tonight Show or served on the Casey Anthony jury.
Thanks to an unusually long drought and super-dry conditions, Phoenix, AZ experienced a two-mile high dust cloud that canceled scheduled flights. It got so bad, the usual immigration rules were waived and anyone could cross the border if they had a Weed-Eater, a leaf blower or a feather duster.
In the Burrough of the Bronx, New York, someone made off with a grand piano that had been included in a display celebrating the arts. Next day, three gang members from Queens were arrested for possession of thirty AK-47s and a loaded Steinway.
WEDNESDAY, July 6, 2011
Computer hackers somehow entered the Fox News Twitter account. The U.S. Secret Service is investigating the leading suspects, a group that calls themselves "The Script Kiddies." Evidence of the break-in began to emerge when readers noticed that political items that Fox claims are "Fair and Balanced," actually were fair and balanced.
Former IMF chief Dominique Strauss Kahn, now faces allegations by Paris magazine writer Tristane Banon that he sexually assaulted her during an
interview. Surete investigators were shocked at some of their discoveries in Strauss Kahn's family history. For instance, did Arnold Schwarzenegger ever mention that he had an older brother?
A recent survey indicates that fast food meccas like McDonald's and Wendy's get low marks on taste tests. Another survey showed that people who agree to participate in surveys that require sampling fast food got low marks in high school.
Burger King is considering a plan to offer beer and wine after 4 pm. Hope it works out better than the plan McDonald's tried in the 1960s to go completely Scottish and offer the "Big Mac, Fries, Scotch & Soda Combo."
As if their nuclear program wasn't worrisome enough, Iran now plans to send a Capuchin monkey into space next month. They preferred to use a different experimental animal, but Mahmoud Ahmadinejad had too may speeches scheduled for August.
Former IMF chief Dominique Strauss Kahn, now faces allegations by Paris magazine writer Tristane Banon that he sexually assaulted her during an
interview. Surete investigators were shocked at some of their discoveries in Strauss Kahn's family history. For instance, did Arnold Schwarzenegger ever mention that he had an older brother?
A recent survey indicates that fast food meccas like McDonald's and Wendy's get low marks on taste tests. Another survey showed that people who agree to participate in surveys that require sampling fast food got low marks in high school.
Burger King is considering a plan to offer beer and wine after 4 pm. Hope it works out better than the plan McDonald's tried in the 1960s to go completely Scottish and offer the "Big Mac, Fries, Scotch & Soda Combo."
As if their nuclear program wasn't worrisome enough, Iran now plans to send a Capuchin monkey into space next month. They preferred to use a different experimental animal, but Mahmoud Ahmadinejad had too may speeches scheduled for August.
TUESDAY, July 5, 2011
Malaysian Airlines says it will no longer allow First Class passengers to bring their babies along. But Coach on that airline is no place for kids -- see, it's not just over the wing, it's on it.
George Ballas, the inventor of the Weed-Eater, died at age 84. In his honor, Mexican and Japanese gardeners across the entire Los Angeles basin, switched off their leaf blowers for one minute of silence.
According to Dr. Karen Halliogan, director of veterinary services for the SPCA, coughing up hair balls and shredding couches are normal behavior for a cat in good health and owners should not be concerned. However, if your cat coughs up a couch....
A carpenter in the Netherlands built an exact replica of Noah's Ark. Turned out he ended up with the same problem Noah reportedly had -- not enough life boats. But he solved the shortage just like Noah did -- he invited enough giant sea turtles to make up the difference.
A spokesman for the Catholic Church, commenting on "Jerry Springer: the Opera" soon to open in Los Angeles, condemned its "profanity, nudity and blasphemous content" and it's depiction of Jesus as "the hypocrite son of the fascist tyrant on high." His did, however, praise the play's lighting and its sound.
George Ballas, the inventor of the Weed-Eater, died at age 84. In his honor, Mexican and Japanese gardeners across the entire Los Angeles basin, switched off their leaf blowers for one minute of silence.
According to Dr. Karen Halliogan, director of veterinary services for the SPCA, coughing up hair balls and shredding couches are normal behavior for a cat in good health and owners should not be concerned. However, if your cat coughs up a couch....
A carpenter in the Netherlands built an exact replica of Noah's Ark. Turned out he ended up with the same problem Noah reportedly had -- not enough life boats. But he solved the shortage just like Noah did -- he invited enough giant sea turtles to make up the difference.
A spokesman for the Catholic Church, commenting on "Jerry Springer: the Opera" soon to open in Los Angeles, condemned its "profanity, nudity and blasphemous content" and it's depiction of Jesus as "the hypocrite son of the fascist tyrant on high." His did, however, praise the play's lighting and its sound.
FOURTH OF JULY ISSUE! (Cue fireworks)
In Ottawa, Canada, Prince William and his new wife the Duchess of Cambridge hosted their first official tree-planting ceremony as they planted a Canadian hemlock on the grounds of Government House. But old scores are still being settled. An Irish setter rushed from the crowd and urinated on it.
The L.A. Unified School District's Teachers union has lodged a formal complaint against the new Cameron Diaz Movie "Bad Teacher." They feel that any school teacher who looks like that is just too much of a temptation -- not for her students, for the mayor when he shows up to pass out the state scholarships.
Critics are slashing the new Tom Hanks-Julia Roberts movie "Larry Crowne" with machetes. And not without cause. There's just very little between them that you could call chemistry. In fact, Tom had a more torrid love affair with Wilson, his soccer ball in "Castaway."
Fans of the original "The Hangover" are appalled at the similarity of the so-called sequel to the original. Not only has the almost identical plot just been given a different location, keen-eyed moviegoers noticed that both pictures use the same fake plastic vomit.
Crustaseanologists in Puerto Rico have discovered a previously unknown species of crab that has a 16-inch wide shell. The one specimen they caught has already been hired to join the cast of "Spongebob Squarepants."
The L.A. Unified School District's Teachers union has lodged a formal complaint against the new Cameron Diaz Movie "Bad Teacher." They feel that any school teacher who looks like that is just too much of a temptation -- not for her students, for the mayor when he shows up to pass out the state scholarships.
Critics are slashing the new Tom Hanks-Julia Roberts movie "Larry Crowne" with machetes. And not without cause. There's just very little between them that you could call chemistry. In fact, Tom had a more torrid love affair with Wilson, his soccer ball in "Castaway."
Fans of the original "The Hangover" are appalled at the similarity of the so-called sequel to the original. Not only has the almost identical plot just been given a different location, keen-eyed moviegoers noticed that both pictures use the same fake plastic vomit.
Crustaseanologists in Puerto Rico have discovered a previously unknown species of crab that has a 16-inch wide shell. The one specimen they caught has already been hired to join the cast of "Spongebob Squarepants."
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
Click here to add theme music to your reading experience...
THE LAUGH MAKERS: A Leonard Maltin "Top 20" Year End Pick!
DOLORES HOPE MEDLEY
DOLORES HOPE "Silver Bells" (with Bob)
BOB HOPE'S 1983 U.S. COLLEGE CAMPUS TOUR: Your Alma Mater Here?
"Having spent twenty years writing for the indefatigable Bob Hope, and traveling all over the world, Bob Mills is well qualified to salute the famous corps of gag men who kept the comedian knee-deep in jokes. These first-hand recollections summon up the final phase of Hope’s career—and the end of the trail for an entire brand of show business."
http://www.leonardmaltin.com/2009YearEndBookSurvey.htm
http://www.leonardmaltin.com/2009YearEndBookSurvey.htm
Even Animals Love "THE YouTube WORLDWIDE NEWS"!
THE LAUGH MAKERS is now on KINDLE! (And Kindle equipped devices)
Download THE LAUGH MAKERS to your Kindle within one minute (for $2.99) by clicking on this link:
http://www.amazon.com/dp/B0041D9EPO
And if you're not yet a Kindle owner, when you purchase your new lower-priced Kindle with a capacity of 3500 books, be sure to sign up for our daily blog so you won't miss one issue of the web's most entertaining and insightful comments on the day's events... or a single serialized installment of THE LAUGH MAKERS. Order your Kindle today!
WakiLeaks: History Declassified 2000 (Vol. One) is now available on Kindle for $2.99
Compiled from Bob's newsletter "Funnyside Up" published in 2000. This is a yuck and chuckle-filled stroll down memory lane to a time before the Bush administration had inflicted its damage -- a time before the search for WMDs and Osama bin Laden. See what we were laughing at back then, who was in the news and who had yet to enter rehab -- which NFL stars had yet to do time in the Gray Bar Hotel.
http://www.amazon.com/dp/B004IZLXIQ
http://www.amazon.com/dp/B0041D9EPO
And if you're not yet a Kindle owner, when you purchase your new lower-priced Kindle with a capacity of 3500 books, be sure to sign up for our daily blog so you won't miss one issue of the web's most entertaining and insightful comments on the day's events... or a single serialized installment of THE LAUGH MAKERS. Order your Kindle today!
WakiLeaks: History Declassified 2000 (Vol. One) is now available on Kindle for $2.99
Compiled from Bob's newsletter "Funnyside Up" published in 2000. This is a yuck and chuckle-filled stroll down memory lane to a time before the Bush administration had inflicted its damage -- a time before the search for WMDs and Osama bin Laden. See what we were laughing at back then, who was in the news and who had yet to enter rehab -- which NFL stars had yet to do time in the Gray Bar Hotel.
http://www.amazon.com/dp/B004IZLXIQ