Wonder Woman has been given a fashion makeover to more accurately reflect today’s liberated female. From now on she’ll wear a red and gold blouse, black pants, a midnight blue jacket, bullet-deflecting Bracelets of Victory, a Lasso of Truth… oops, sorry -- those are the flight attendants on Delta.
Scientists have successfully formulated a synthetic form of marijuana that can be sold legally in forty-two states. K-2 delivers a genuine high but appears to have one unfortunate side-effect -- it seems to work only if you’re wearing a polyester suit.
Porsche is selling a hybrid sports car that gets 78 miles per gallon and can accelerate from zero to sixty in three seconds. It has a price tag of $630,000, but so far, buyers who financed made one payment and Porsche hasn’t been able to catch them to collect any more.
U.S. Marines are being given “ride-a-longs” by the LAPD so they’ll be able to train Afghan recruits as cops. During their three week, comprehensive course on police tactics, they learn how to interrogate drunk drivers, identify parking lot drug buys and spot unmarked do-nut shops.
Workers excavating at Ground Zero came upon a wooden ship from the 17th century that had been buried in Manhattan’s land fill. Graphologists were able to determine its age by tracing the Latin graffiti scrawled on the vessel’s sides.
___________________________
Serialized excerpt from THE LAUGH MAKERS: A Behind-the-Scenes Tribute to Bob Hope’s Incredible Gag Writers © copyright 2009 by Robert L. Mills
PREFACE
When I was born, Bob Hope was thirty-five and already a star who could boast a vaudeville career that dated back to 1924, a stint on Broadway in Roberta, seven short films beginning with Going Spanish in 1934 and a starring role with Jimmy Durante and Ethel Merman in Red, Hot and Blue!, which had been a highlight of the Great White Way’s 1937 season.
When, forty years later almost to the day, Hope hired me to write for him, he had dominated the airwaves in radio and had starred in fifty-two movies. (The sudden death of Bing Crosby just two months later would scuttle plans for yet another, The Road to the Fountain of Youth.) Hope had been visiting America’s living rooms, first on kinescope and later on tape, for almost three decades. Yet, at the age of seventy-five, he was in many ways just hitting his stride and would, over the next fifteen years, produce and star in over eighty-five television specials, many of which would rank among his best.
When you signed on with Bob Hope, it was akin to entering an ancient, tradition-laden religious order where you agreed to forgo the temptations of the secular world in exchange for a life of unwavering loyalty, absolute obedience and, I have to admit, more thrills and excitement than anyone could possibly imagine. First, there was great professional satisfaction in being a “Hope writer.” In those days, a contract to write for him was considered gilt edged— the comedic equivalent of a degree from Harvard.
As for the work itself, he might have been the pope and you a cardinal commissioned by the Almighty to provide a never-ending supply of wit and drollery for delivery to the masses assembled in Vatican Square.
Hope-staff-alumnus Larry Gelbart (M*A*S*H, A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Forum), quoted in the Museum of Broadcasting’s "Bob Hope: A Half Century on Radio and Television," summed it up perfectly:
“Hope would never fire anybody. If he bought you,
you were there. He knew pretty much you were
going to stay. He got his help down to a science —
people preparing him, massaging him, laying out
his clothes. It was a little like preparing a bullfighter.”
The only difference being, the work was steadier. When a bullfighter dies, you’re out of a job. When Hope died, he kept coming back for more. When you were invited to take a seat at his comedy Round Table (to switch to a less religious metaphor), you were keenly aware that your name was being added to a venerable honor roll of humorists.
Hope had employed more writers over a longer period than any performer in history and among the veterans of “Hope’s Army” (so labeled by the press) were Mort Lachman, Mel Shavelson, Larry Rhine, Sherwood Schwartz, Norman Panama, Jay Burton, Jack Douglas, Larry Marks, Si Rose, Mel Tolkin, Al Schwartz, Jack Rose, Les White, Johnny Rapp, Mel Frank, Bill Larkin, Hal Goodman, Marty Ragaway, Ray Siller, Hal Kanter and Milt Josefsberg. To a man, these veteran joke smiths shared a common talent: the ability to put words into Hope’s mouth that appeared to have originated there.
Hope himself was the first to point out that having maintained a staff of the most able writers he could find contributed as much to his sustained popularity and prodigious body of work as the uncommon physical stamina with which he had been genetically gifted. The unique performer-writer symbiosis that developed between Hope and his comedic entourage was the first — and most likely will be the last — of its kind. What follows is an inside look at how Hope’s system operated — one that I hope will provide clues as to why it did for seventy years
Next: Chapter 1 “If You See an Opening, Jump In!”
Order THE LAUGH MAKERS on line at Amazon.com and download a FREE MP3 audio version, unabridged and read by the author, by clicking on this link:
http://bearmanoraudio.com/audio/BOB-MILLS-AUDIO-BOOK/
A Longtime Bob Hope Joke Writer Presents Daily Insightful Topical Satire Of Current Events (Illustrated) Plus Rare Photos From Hollywood's Bygone Era And Excerpts From THE LAUGH MAKERS By Robert L. Mills -- Color Photos From the Book and Rare Classic Vintage Video Clips! Send Your Show Biz Questions to "ASK BOB" at: TheLaughMakers@GMail.com
;
FRI, SAT, SUN, July 16, 17, 18
LAFFS From the PAST (from our issue dated July 12, 2000)
Barbra Streisand will perform at a fundraising concert for Al Gore where Dem Bigwigs will shell out $25,000 per couple. Any legitimate movie or TV producer who offers James Brolin a job will be admitted, along with a guest, free.
GOP vice presidential hopeful Christine Todd Whitman's chances to get the nod from Bush disappeared when a photo of her laughing while frisking an innocent black man came to light. Unfortunate. Would have made a great bumper sticker -- "Vote For Frisk 'Em & Fry 'Em."
Brigitte Bardot has made a formal appeal to the pope to speak out against bullfighting in Spain as "an atrocious custom... this terrible way of treating animals. "Not likely," said the pontiff's official spokesman, Cardinal Manolete.
Six people were gored, trampled or kicked and several other suffered cuts and bruises at the San Fermin Fiesta in Pamplona, Spain -- or, as it's known in Los Angeles, the “Presidents' Day Bra Sale” at Bloomingdale's.
Scores of SAG members protested outside a McDonald's in Studio City, CA because of the company's refusal to pay residuals to actors appearing in their TV commercials. The union is demanding $150 and one free McDonald's Meal Deal per rerun.
Naples, NY, near Rochester, is being plagued by swarms of house flies apparently attracted by 200 tons of manure spread on a farmer's field. Either that or too many people tuned in Howard Stern at the same time.
Until next time, I leave you with the immortal words of Emperor Nero who once ran an ad in the personals that said "Love long walks on the beach followed by fiddling before an open fire."
Excerpted from THE LAUGH MAKERS
PREFACE
I first laid eyes on Bob Hope in person when I was seventeen. He came to my hometown, San Francisco, in 1954 to promote his recently published book, “Have Tux, Will Travel.” A friend and I rode the streetcar from the fog-enshrouded Parkside District where we lived, through the Twin Peaks Tunnel, past the soon-to-be-infamous Castro District to Market Street.
Within sight of the Bay and just a few blocks from the Ferry Building, one of the city’s largest department stores, The Emporium, stood grandly in the heart of downtown. As we waited in the midst of the small crowd of expectant celebrity watchers that had gathered along the curb, our hearts beat like trip hammers — we were about to meet our first movie star!
Since I had held the undisputed title of class clown at St. Gabriel Grammar School, it was no surprise that, just before I left the house, I grabbed a paperback copy of Bing Crosby’s autobiography, “Call Me Lucky.” I couldn’t wait to see Hope’s reaction when I asked him to autograph it instead of his own book.
Soon, a black stretch limo glided up to the store’s ornate entrance and out stepped the instantly-recognizable, matinee-idol-handsome, 52-year-old Hope. As everyone in the crowd applauded, whistled or cheered, he quickly combed back a still-generous shock of brown hair that had been suddenly rearranged by a gust from the Bay. “Where am I? Chicago?” Laughter joined the sound of passing traffic. He was funny in real life, too!
As the star made his way through a path across the sidewalk that had parted for him like the Red Sea, we dutifully followed him to the book department. A special author’s table had been set up on a riser with stacks of “Have Tux” strategically stacked nearby. A queue quickly formed and I got into it, my copy of Bing’s book clutched securely for action.
Hope began signing, and, as he asked each person’s name, would add a little joke or comment — “O’Callahan. Jewish, huh?” — an accommodation that slowed the process, but one that presaged something in his nature that, years later, I would observe time and again: whenever he had the chance, he made fans and supporters feel that they were somehow special. It was the mark of a consummate salesman which, I would someday learn, he was.
I reached the head of the line and said, “Hi, Bob.” He nodded. Then, in that smart-alecky way only teens can handle just right, I said, “I can’t afford your book, but will this do?” He looked at the dog-eared paperback, held it up for the others in line to see — it had a picture of Bing with his pipe on the front — and tossed it straight up, where it hovered momentarily at mezzanine level and then fluttered to the floor like a wounded pheasant, landing beside a Hoover upright on sale in the adjoining housewares department.
The crowd reacted just as I thought they would. My visual gag produced a spontaneous, genuine laugh. I had created my first comic routine for Bob Hope! I had no way of knowing then, of course, that some two decades later, he’d hire me to write thousands of them. There would be a few detours during my journey, but for a brief, fleeting moment I was in show business — and I liked it.
Next week: I'm Commissioned a Lieutenant in "Hope's Army"
Order THE LAUGH MAKERS on line:
http://www.amazon.com/LAUGH-MAKERS-Behind-Scenes-Incredible/product-reviews/1593933231/ref=cm_cr_pr_link_2?ie=UTF8&showViewpoints=0&pageNumber=2
Also available in an unabridged audio version read by the author: http://www.audible.com/adbl/site/products/ProductDetail.jsp?BV_SessionID=@@@@0545479184.1272211432@@@@&BV_EngineID=cccjadekfdmleefcefecekjdffidfmf.0&productID=BK_BEAR_000001
FREE OFFER Would you like to write a short review of THE LAUGH MAKERS to be posted on Amazon.com? If so, you will be provided a FREE AUDIO VERSION of the book, unabridged and read by the author with musical bridges by Barry Dugan. Write to:
TheLaughmakers@GMail.com and write “Review Copy” in the subject line. You will be sent an address to access the book on MP3 or .wav files that may be downloaded to your I-Pod or computer. No time limit applies -- you may post your review at any time following completion of the book.
Barbra Streisand will perform at a fundraising concert for Al Gore where Dem Bigwigs will shell out $25,000 per couple. Any legitimate movie or TV producer who offers James Brolin a job will be admitted, along with a guest, free.
GOP vice presidential hopeful Christine Todd Whitman's chances to get the nod from Bush disappeared when a photo of her laughing while frisking an innocent black man came to light. Unfortunate. Would have made a great bumper sticker -- "Vote For Frisk 'Em & Fry 'Em."
Brigitte Bardot has made a formal appeal to the pope to speak out against bullfighting in Spain as "an atrocious custom... this terrible way of treating animals. "Not likely," said the pontiff's official spokesman, Cardinal Manolete.
Six people were gored, trampled or kicked and several other suffered cuts and bruises at the San Fermin Fiesta in Pamplona, Spain -- or, as it's known in Los Angeles, the “Presidents' Day Bra Sale” at Bloomingdale's.
Scores of SAG members protested outside a McDonald's in Studio City, CA because of the company's refusal to pay residuals to actors appearing in their TV commercials. The union is demanding $150 and one free McDonald's Meal Deal per rerun.
Naples, NY, near Rochester, is being plagued by swarms of house flies apparently attracted by 200 tons of manure spread on a farmer's field. Either that or too many people tuned in Howard Stern at the same time.
Until next time, I leave you with the immortal words of Emperor Nero who once ran an ad in the personals that said "Love long walks on the beach followed by fiddling before an open fire."
Excerpted from THE LAUGH MAKERS
PREFACE
I first laid eyes on Bob Hope in person when I was seventeen. He came to my hometown, San Francisco, in 1954 to promote his recently published book, “Have Tux, Will Travel.” A friend and I rode the streetcar from the fog-enshrouded Parkside District where we lived, through the Twin Peaks Tunnel, past the soon-to-be-infamous Castro District to Market Street.
Within sight of the Bay and just a few blocks from the Ferry Building, one of the city’s largest department stores, The Emporium, stood grandly in the heart of downtown. As we waited in the midst of the small crowd of expectant celebrity watchers that had gathered along the curb, our hearts beat like trip hammers — we were about to meet our first movie star!
Since I had held the undisputed title of class clown at St. Gabriel Grammar School, it was no surprise that, just before I left the house, I grabbed a paperback copy of Bing Crosby’s autobiography, “Call Me Lucky.” I couldn’t wait to see Hope’s reaction when I asked him to autograph it instead of his own book.
Soon, a black stretch limo glided up to the store’s ornate entrance and out stepped the instantly-recognizable, matinee-idol-handsome, 52-year-old Hope. As everyone in the crowd applauded, whistled or cheered, he quickly combed back a still-generous shock of brown hair that had been suddenly rearranged by a gust from the Bay. “Where am I? Chicago?” Laughter joined the sound of passing traffic. He was funny in real life, too!
As the star made his way through a path across the sidewalk that had parted for him like the Red Sea, we dutifully followed him to the book department. A special author’s table had been set up on a riser with stacks of “Have Tux” strategically stacked nearby. A queue quickly formed and I got into it, my copy of Bing’s book clutched securely for action.
Hope began signing, and, as he asked each person’s name, would add a little joke or comment — “O’Callahan. Jewish, huh?” — an accommodation that slowed the process, but one that presaged something in his nature that, years later, I would observe time and again: whenever he had the chance, he made fans and supporters feel that they were somehow special. It was the mark of a consummate salesman which, I would someday learn, he was.
I reached the head of the line and said, “Hi, Bob.” He nodded. Then, in that smart-alecky way only teens can handle just right, I said, “I can’t afford your book, but will this do?” He looked at the dog-eared paperback, held it up for the others in line to see — it had a picture of Bing with his pipe on the front — and tossed it straight up, where it hovered momentarily at mezzanine level and then fluttered to the floor like a wounded pheasant, landing beside a Hoover upright on sale in the adjoining housewares department.
The crowd reacted just as I thought they would. My visual gag produced a spontaneous, genuine laugh. I had created my first comic routine for Bob Hope! I had no way of knowing then, of course, that some two decades later, he’d hire me to write thousands of them. There would be a few detours during my journey, but for a brief, fleeting moment I was in show business — and I liked it.
Next week: I'm Commissioned a Lieutenant in "Hope's Army"
Order THE LAUGH MAKERS on line:
http://www.amazon.com/LAUGH-MAKERS-Behind-Scenes-Incredible/product-reviews/1593933231/ref=cm_cr_pr_link_2?ie=UTF8&showViewpoints=0&pageNumber=2
Also available in an unabridged audio version read by the author: http://www.audible.com/adbl/site/products/ProductDetail.jsp?BV_SessionID=@@@@0545479184.1272211432@@@@&BV_EngineID=cccjadekfdmleefcefecekjdffidfmf.0&productID=BK_BEAR_000001
FREE OFFER Would you like to write a short review of THE LAUGH MAKERS to be posted on Amazon.com? If so, you will be provided a FREE AUDIO VERSION of the book, unabridged and read by the author with musical bridges by Barry Dugan. Write to:
TheLaughmakers@GMail.com and write “Review Copy” in the subject line. You will be sent an address to access the book on MP3 or .wav files that may be downloaded to your I-Pod or computer. No time limit applies -- you may post your review at any time following completion of the book.
THURSDAY, July 15, 2010
A group of Christian demonstrators protested the proposed building of a Muslim mosque near New York’s Ground Zero -- the same group that turned out last spring when an Iranian cleric applied for permission to stone an adulteress at Rockaway Beach.
A woman in Bishop, Texas won four separate lottery drawings for a grand total of $21 million, defying odds estimated to be one in 18,000,000,000,000,000,000 -- in layman’s terms about the same odds of Mel Gibson being named “Humanitarian of the Year” by the N.A.A.C.P.
A recent survey of worldwide communication systems concluded that there are now over 5 billion cell phones in use -- 14.6% of which have been used by Naomi Campbell as a missile to discipline a domestic.
Census Department data shows that obesity is most common in the state of Mississippi and rare in Colorado. No surprise here. The only Colonel Sanders in the Rocky Mountain state is a former Green Beret working as a ski instructor in Aspen.
As the City of Los Angeles proclaimed “Pat Boone Day” to celebrate the career of the 1960s teen icon, his signature white buck shoes were put on permanent display at the Dr. Scholl Footwear Museum in Cleveland.
Excerpted from THE LAUGH MAKERS
At his home in Toluca Lake, Hope had a display-room in the gate house where we sometimes met with him. In the display-room were glass cases chock full of memorabilia — dancing shoes that had belonged to vaudevillian Eddie Foy whom Hope had played in “The Seven Little Foys“; the NBC microphone he had used on radio covered by a sheepskin sheath;the oversized cowboy hat he’d worn in The Paleface; a vial of crude oil from the well in which he and Bing had invested; a silver money clip autographed by Richard Nixon; golf scorecards signed by opponents such as Dwight Eisenhower, Sam Snead and Ben Hogan; ID cards he’d been issued by the Defense Department to tour the war zones; honorary Academy Award statuettes; Peoples Choice Awards; and myriad plaques, engraved cups and commemorative plates.
But the most interesting items were souvenirs that he’d been given by Allied forces at the end of World War II — personal property confiscated from captured Nazis that included an S.S. officer’s ring with a skull-and-crossbones; a Nazi general’s dress uniform hat; ID cards, insignia and medals taken from members of the Gestapo; daggers with markings of the Third Reich and assorted machine guns, rifles and Lugers. He even had stationery used by Hitler and his staff with a swastika embossed at the top. (which he’d sometimes hand out to guests as souvenirs).
But Hope kept the most valuable Nazi artifact in a walk-in vault off the secretaries’ room where filing-cabinets filled with jokes and scripts dating back to radio were stored. It was a solid-gold liquor decanter caddy about the size of a small mailbox — with remnants of brandy, vodka and scotch still in the bottles — an ornate jeweled handle and hooks on which hung small glasses embossed in gold leaf. The story was that the caddy had been discovered in Hitler’s bunker seconds after Allied troops overran it. Two glasses were beside the decanter, partially filled as though they had been used just before the Nazi officers escaped.
As impressive as the decanter was, it wasn’t Hope’s favorite wartime gift from the military. That honor went to a faded, black-and-white photograph that he kept under lock- and-key and brought out proudly for any guest getting a personal tour of the display room. It was a picture of General George Patton using the Rhine as a urinal.
Tomorrow: The first time I met Bob Hope
Order THE LAUGH MAKERS on line:
http://www.amazon.com/LAUGH-MAKERS-Behind-Scenes-Incredible/product-reviews/1593933231/ref=cm_cr_pr_link_2?ie=UTF8&showViewpoints=0&pageNumber=2
Also available in an unabridged audio version read by the author: http://www.audible.com/adbl/site/products/ProductDetail.jsp?BV_SessionID=@@@@0545479184.1272211432@@@@&BV_EngineID=cccjadekfdmleefcefecekjdffidfmf.0&productID=BK_BEAR_000001
FREE OFFER Would you like to write a short review of THE LAUGH MAKERS to be posted on Amazon.com? If so, you will be provided a FREE AUDIO VERSION of the book, unabridged and read by the author with musical bridges by Barry Dugan. Write to:
TheLaughmakers@GMail.com and write “Review Copy” in the subject line. You will be sent an address to access the book on MP3 or .wav files that may be downloaded to your I-Pod or computer. No time limit applies -- you may post your review at any time following completion of the book.
A woman in Bishop, Texas won four separate lottery drawings for a grand total of $21 million, defying odds estimated to be one in 18,000,000,000,000,000,000 -- in layman’s terms about the same odds of Mel Gibson being named “Humanitarian of the Year” by the N.A.A.C.P.
A recent survey of worldwide communication systems concluded that there are now over 5 billion cell phones in use -- 14.6% of which have been used by Naomi Campbell as a missile to discipline a domestic.
Census Department data shows that obesity is most common in the state of Mississippi and rare in Colorado. No surprise here. The only Colonel Sanders in the Rocky Mountain state is a former Green Beret working as a ski instructor in Aspen.
As the City of Los Angeles proclaimed “Pat Boone Day” to celebrate the career of the 1960s teen icon, his signature white buck shoes were put on permanent display at the Dr. Scholl Footwear Museum in Cleveland.
Excerpted from THE LAUGH MAKERS
At his home in Toluca Lake, Hope had a display-room in the gate house where we sometimes met with him. In the display-room were glass cases chock full of memorabilia — dancing shoes that had belonged to vaudevillian Eddie Foy whom Hope had played in “The Seven Little Foys“; the NBC microphone he had used on radio covered by a sheepskin sheath;the oversized cowboy hat he’d worn in The Paleface; a vial of crude oil from the well in which he and Bing had invested; a silver money clip autographed by Richard Nixon; golf scorecards signed by opponents such as Dwight Eisenhower, Sam Snead and Ben Hogan; ID cards he’d been issued by the Defense Department to tour the war zones; honorary Academy Award statuettes; Peoples Choice Awards; and myriad plaques, engraved cups and commemorative plates.
But the most interesting items were souvenirs that he’d been given by Allied forces at the end of World War II — personal property confiscated from captured Nazis that included an S.S. officer’s ring with a skull-and-crossbones; a Nazi general’s dress uniform hat; ID cards, insignia and medals taken from members of the Gestapo; daggers with markings of the Third Reich and assorted machine guns, rifles and Lugers. He even had stationery used by Hitler and his staff with a swastika embossed at the top. (which he’d sometimes hand out to guests as souvenirs).
But Hope kept the most valuable Nazi artifact in a walk-in vault off the secretaries’ room where filing-cabinets filled with jokes and scripts dating back to radio were stored. It was a solid-gold liquor decanter caddy about the size of a small mailbox — with remnants of brandy, vodka and scotch still in the bottles — an ornate jeweled handle and hooks on which hung small glasses embossed in gold leaf. The story was that the caddy had been discovered in Hitler’s bunker seconds after Allied troops overran it. Two glasses were beside the decanter, partially filled as though they had been used just before the Nazi officers escaped.
As impressive as the decanter was, it wasn’t Hope’s favorite wartime gift from the military. That honor went to a faded, black-and-white photograph that he kept under lock- and-key and brought out proudly for any guest getting a personal tour of the display room. It was a picture of General George Patton using the Rhine as a urinal.
Tomorrow: The first time I met Bob Hope
Order THE LAUGH MAKERS on line:
http://www.amazon.com/LAUGH-MAKERS-Behind-Scenes-Incredible/product-reviews/1593933231/ref=cm_cr_pr_link_2?ie=UTF8&showViewpoints=0&pageNumber=2
Also available in an unabridged audio version read by the author: http://www.audible.com/adbl/site/products/ProductDetail.jsp?BV_SessionID=@@@@0545479184.1272211432@@@@&BV_EngineID=cccjadekfdmleefcefecekjdffidfmf.0&productID=BK_BEAR_000001
FREE OFFER Would you like to write a short review of THE LAUGH MAKERS to be posted on Amazon.com? If so, you will be provided a FREE AUDIO VERSION of the book, unabridged and read by the author with musical bridges by Barry Dugan. Write to:
TheLaughmakers@GMail.com and write “Review Copy” in the subject line. You will be sent an address to access the book on MP3 or .wav files that may be downloaded to your I-Pod or computer. No time limit applies -- you may post your review at any time following completion of the book.
WEDNESDAY, July 14, 2010
Swiss authorities rejected a request from L.A.’s District Attorney to extradite Roman Polanski to face child sex abuse charges in California. The Swiss provide body guards for the pope who reportedly told them “Hey, it’s not like he committed a crime or anything…”
A World Court judge ordered supermodel Naomi Campbell to testify in the war crimes trial of former Liberian President Charles Taylor. Her attorney informed the court that his client had no objection to appearing as long as she could be sworn in on a copy of Women’s Wear Daily.
“Despicable Me” opened strongly over the weekend, outperforming “Toy Story 3” and “Knight and Day.” It had an advantage, though -- most ticket-buyers thought it was the life story of PB’s CEO, Tony Hayward.
Health authorities in Scotland report that 97% of the population are guilty of either chain-smoking, and/or habitual drunkenness, and/or lack of exercise -- and, if you count Mel Gibson, “rampant racism.”
Doctors at George Washington University Hospital are experimenting with a text messaging system designed to communicate health care directives to their younger patients. So far, the most effective advice seems to be “tke 2 asprnz n cl me n th mrn.”
Excerpted from THE LAUGH MAKERS
Like the comedy relief pitchers we were trained to be, Gene and I sprung into action. While Air Force One winged toward Pope, we’d bang out a page of dialogue for the two old veterans of the silver screen. After Hope okayed it, we’d call Reagan back so his secretary could type it up for him to memorize.
While Gene and I tapped away, the Secret Service was conferring with Lipton and co-producer Elliott Kozak. Reagan’s Boeing 707 would land and taxi directly to the stage. Within an hour, scores of agents descended on the area like a swarm of armed locusts in dark suits. Some of the same German shepherds that had “sanitized” Grand Rapids six years earlier sniffed their way through our production equipment.
Metal detectors suddenly sprouted up everywhere to ensure that there would be no gate crashers. We were all instructed that once the president’s plane touched down, we weren’t to wander from our assigned areas under threat of sudden death by Uzi.
Here’s how it all works. On any major flight, Air Force One is accompanied by an identical “decoy” plane carrying several hundred uniformed and plainclothes agents. Additionally, an unmarked C-130 troop carrier containing the bullet-proof presidential limo and specially armed escort vehicles complete the flotilla.
As soon as the decision to detour to Pope had been made, these escort planes flew ahead to complete the last minute security arrangements which (in this case) must have been nerve wracking. Reagan had already been the target of a would-be assassin, and they weren’t looking for a sequel.
As expected, the audience, having no inkling of the unscheduled stopover, literally erupted when the Gipper strode down that boarding ramp. He greeted Hope warmly, and the two old troupers did their one minute exchange. Total elapsed time from touchdown to departure was exactly thirty minutes as promised. Exciting stuff, to be sure, all made possible because Hope could dial a president’s number and know there would be one at the other end.
Tomorrow: Hope the Pack Rat
Order THE LAUGH MAKERS on line:
http://www.amazon.com/LAUGH-MAKERS-Behind-Scenes-Incredible/product-reviews/1593933231/ref=cm_cr_pr_link_2?ie=UTF8&showViewpoints=0&pageNumber=2
Also available in an unabridged audio version read by the author: http://www.audible.com/adbl/site/products/ProductDetail.jsp?BV_SessionID=@@@@0545479184.1272211432@@@@&BV_EngineID=cccjadekfdmleefcefecekjdffidfmf.0&productID=BK_BEAR_000001
FREE OFFER Would you like to write a short review of THE LAUGH MAKERS to be posted on Amazon.com? If so, you will be provided a FREE AUDIO VERSION of the book, unabridged and read by the author with musical bridges by Barry Dugan. Write to:
TheLaughmakers@GMail.com and write “Review Copy” in the subject line. You will be sent an address to access the book on MP3 or .wav files that may be downloaded to your I-Pod or computer. No time limit applies -- you may post your review at any time following completion of the book.
A World Court judge ordered supermodel Naomi Campbell to testify in the war crimes trial of former Liberian President Charles Taylor. Her attorney informed the court that his client had no objection to appearing as long as she could be sworn in on a copy of Women’s Wear Daily.
“Despicable Me” opened strongly over the weekend, outperforming “Toy Story 3” and “Knight and Day.” It had an advantage, though -- most ticket-buyers thought it was the life story of PB’s CEO, Tony Hayward.
Health authorities in Scotland report that 97% of the population are guilty of either chain-smoking, and/or habitual drunkenness, and/or lack of exercise -- and, if you count Mel Gibson, “rampant racism.”
Doctors at George Washington University Hospital are experimenting with a text messaging system designed to communicate health care directives to their younger patients. So far, the most effective advice seems to be “tke 2 asprnz n cl me n th mrn.”
Excerpted from THE LAUGH MAKERS
Like the comedy relief pitchers we were trained to be, Gene and I sprung into action. While Air Force One winged toward Pope, we’d bang out a page of dialogue for the two old veterans of the silver screen. After Hope okayed it, we’d call Reagan back so his secretary could type it up for him to memorize.
While Gene and I tapped away, the Secret Service was conferring with Lipton and co-producer Elliott Kozak. Reagan’s Boeing 707 would land and taxi directly to the stage. Within an hour, scores of agents descended on the area like a swarm of armed locusts in dark suits. Some of the same German shepherds that had “sanitized” Grand Rapids six years earlier sniffed their way through our production equipment.
Metal detectors suddenly sprouted up everywhere to ensure that there would be no gate crashers. We were all instructed that once the president’s plane touched down, we weren’t to wander from our assigned areas under threat of sudden death by Uzi.
Here’s how it all works. On any major flight, Air Force One is accompanied by an identical “decoy” plane carrying several hundred uniformed and plainclothes agents. Additionally, an unmarked C-130 troop carrier containing the bullet-proof presidential limo and specially armed escort vehicles complete the flotilla.
As soon as the decision to detour to Pope had been made, these escort planes flew ahead to complete the last minute security arrangements which (in this case) must have been nerve wracking. Reagan had already been the target of a would-be assassin, and they weren’t looking for a sequel.
As expected, the audience, having no inkling of the unscheduled stopover, literally erupted when the Gipper strode down that boarding ramp. He greeted Hope warmly, and the two old troupers did their one minute exchange. Total elapsed time from touchdown to departure was exactly thirty minutes as promised. Exciting stuff, to be sure, all made possible because Hope could dial a president’s number and know there would be one at the other end.
Tomorrow: Hope the Pack Rat
Order THE LAUGH MAKERS on line:
http://www.amazon.com/LAUGH-MAKERS-Behind-Scenes-Incredible/product-reviews/1593933231/ref=cm_cr_pr_link_2?ie=UTF8&showViewpoints=0&pageNumber=2
Also available in an unabridged audio version read by the author: http://www.audible.com/adbl/site/products/ProductDetail.jsp?BV_SessionID=@@@@0545479184.1272211432@@@@&BV_EngineID=cccjadekfdmleefcefecekjdffidfmf.0&productID=BK_BEAR_000001
FREE OFFER Would you like to write a short review of THE LAUGH MAKERS to be posted on Amazon.com? If so, you will be provided a FREE AUDIO VERSION of the book, unabridged and read by the author with musical bridges by Barry Dugan. Write to:
TheLaughmakers@GMail.com and write “Review Copy” in the subject line. You will be sent an address to access the book on MP3 or .wav files that may be downloaded to your I-Pod or computer. No time limit applies -- you may post your review at any time following completion of the book.
TUESDAY, July 13, 2010
To honor Ringo Starr’s 70th birthday, Arista Records will soon release a new album of lesser-known Beatles songs including “Lucy in the Sky With Diverticulitis,” “All You Need is Levitra,” “Here Comes the Sun City Tour Bus,” “Prune Fields Forever,” “Eleanor Roosevelt” and “Hello, Goodbye, Rest in Peace.”
Attempting to repair their tattered safety record, Toyota has launched a new campaign promising that all new models will offer features that “reflect a greater emphasis on internal design engineering” as well as a parachute folded under the trunk that will deploy when the brakes fail.
Lindsay Lohan hasn’t even reported to the L.A. County Jail to serve her 90-day sentence and already, detractors are claiming she’s being given special treatment -- just because word leaked out that she’ll be assigned to the Charlie Sheen Cell Block in the Robert Downey, Jr. Wing.
Right-to-Life organizations worldwide were shocked by a recent study showing the majority of euthanasia cases in Belgium last year were carried out by nurses -- and that in several instances, patients checking in wrote “drip” just to indicate how they preferred their coffee brewed.
For the third consecutive year, the Vatican’s books show $5.2 million in financial losses. On the plus side, the pope was able to avoid paying income taxes thanks to a bible inspired accounting system papal accountants refer to as “double-entry Good Book keeping.”
Excerpted from THE LAUGH MAKERS
PARTY FAVOR
Hope would meet us at Pope after flying in from a personal-appearance tour on the eastern-seaboard. Our guest stars, Glen Campbell, Barbara Mandrell, Don Johnson, Emanuel Lewis, Brooke Shields and Phylicia Rashad, were waiting to go to work. Over the next several days, we rehearsed the show that would be taped before a crowd of four thousand servicemen and their families — as well as soldiers from nearby Ft. Bragg.
The monologue would be taped with the latest military hardware in the background to remind the viewers at home just how the Defense Department was spending their taxes — payback for their picking-up a good portion of the production costs. The logistics of staging a show like this one were complicated, but things had progressed smoothly and tape was ready to roll. Hope had read in the local paper that morning that Reagan was flying back to Washington after delivering the commencement address at the University of Georgia.
He said to producer Jim Lipton, “Call the White House. Maybe we can get Ronnie to pop over and appear on our show.” Jim gulped hard. “Nice idea, but, gee, Bob, every segment is locked in and we start seating the audience in two hours.” Hope was not deterred. “We can always find an extra five minutes somewhere. Call.”
Hope was well aware of the impact a presidential visit would have on Pope and the infantry outfits. Lipton called the personal number that Hope gave him and was soon patched through to Air Force One, already airborne. The call was switched to the Winnebago in the main hanger that had been provided for Hope as a dressing room. As Gene Perret and I sat on the fold-down couch across from him, the following conversation took place:
“Ron? Bob. Hey, we’re doing a little birthday thing here at Pope Air Force Base and — Pope — it’s in North Carolina. We thought you might take a quick left turn and drop in. Be great, you know. I’ll have the boys bang out something we can do together. The whole thing shouldn’t take more than a half hour, tops.” There was a long pause as Hope listened to the most powerful leader in the free-world confer with his aides. Then he covered the receiver with his hand and mouthed the words: “He’ll do it.”
Tomorrow: If We Knew He Was Comin‘…
Order THE LAUGH MAKERS on line:
http://www.amazon.com/LAUGH-MAKERS-Behind-Scenes-Incredible/product-reviews/1593933231/ref=cm_cr_pr_link_2?ie=UTF8&showViewpoints=0&pageNumber=2
Also available in an unabridged audio version read by the author: http://www.audible.com/adbl/site/products/ProductDetail.jsp?BV_SessionID=@@@@0545479184.1272211432@@@@&BV_EngineID=cccjadekfdmleefcefecekjdffidfmf.0&productID=BK_BEAR_000001
FREE OFFER Would you like to write a short review of THE LAUGH MAKERS to be posted on Amazon.com? If so, you will be provided a FREE AUDIO VERSION of the book, unabridged and read by the author with musical bridges by Barry Dugan. Write to:
TheLaughmakers@GMail.com and write “Review Copy” in the subject line. You will be sent an address to access the book on MP3 or .wav files that may be downloaded to your I-Pod or computer. No time limit applies -- you may post your review at any time following completion of the book.
_______________________
Attempting to repair their tattered safety record, Toyota has launched a new campaign promising that all new models will offer features that “reflect a greater emphasis on internal design engineering” as well as a parachute folded under the trunk that will deploy when the brakes fail.
Lindsay Lohan hasn’t even reported to the L.A. County Jail to serve her 90-day sentence and already, detractors are claiming she’s being given special treatment -- just because word leaked out that she’ll be assigned to the Charlie Sheen Cell Block in the Robert Downey, Jr. Wing.
Right-to-Life organizations worldwide were shocked by a recent study showing the majority of euthanasia cases in Belgium last year were carried out by nurses -- and that in several instances, patients checking in wrote “drip” just to indicate how they preferred their coffee brewed.
For the third consecutive year, the Vatican’s books show $5.2 million in financial losses. On the plus side, the pope was able to avoid paying income taxes thanks to a bible inspired accounting system papal accountants refer to as “double-entry Good Book keeping.”
Excerpted from THE LAUGH MAKERS
PARTY FAVOR
Hope would meet us at Pope after flying in from a personal-appearance tour on the eastern-seaboard. Our guest stars, Glen Campbell, Barbara Mandrell, Don Johnson, Emanuel Lewis, Brooke Shields and Phylicia Rashad, were waiting to go to work. Over the next several days, we rehearsed the show that would be taped before a crowd of four thousand servicemen and their families — as well as soldiers from nearby Ft. Bragg.
The monologue would be taped with the latest military hardware in the background to remind the viewers at home just how the Defense Department was spending their taxes — payback for their picking-up a good portion of the production costs. The logistics of staging a show like this one were complicated, but things had progressed smoothly and tape was ready to roll. Hope had read in the local paper that morning that Reagan was flying back to Washington after delivering the commencement address at the University of Georgia.
He said to producer Jim Lipton, “Call the White House. Maybe we can get Ronnie to pop over and appear on our show.” Jim gulped hard. “Nice idea, but, gee, Bob, every segment is locked in and we start seating the audience in two hours.” Hope was not deterred. “We can always find an extra five minutes somewhere. Call.”
Hope was well aware of the impact a presidential visit would have on Pope and the infantry outfits. Lipton called the personal number that Hope gave him and was soon patched through to Air Force One, already airborne. The call was switched to the Winnebago in the main hanger that had been provided for Hope as a dressing room. As Gene Perret and I sat on the fold-down couch across from him, the following conversation took place:
“Ron? Bob. Hey, we’re doing a little birthday thing here at Pope Air Force Base and — Pope — it’s in North Carolina. We thought you might take a quick left turn and drop in. Be great, you know. I’ll have the boys bang out something we can do together. The whole thing shouldn’t take more than a half hour, tops.” There was a long pause as Hope listened to the most powerful leader in the free-world confer with his aides. Then he covered the receiver with his hand and mouthed the words: “He’ll do it.”
Tomorrow: If We Knew He Was Comin‘…
Order THE LAUGH MAKERS on line:
http://www.amazon.com/LAUGH-MAKERS-Behind-Scenes-Incredible/product-reviews/1593933231/ref=cm_cr_pr_link_2?ie=UTF8&showViewpoints=0&pageNumber=2
Also available in an unabridged audio version read by the author: http://www.audible.com/adbl/site/products/ProductDetail.jsp?BV_SessionID=@@@@0545479184.1272211432@@@@&BV_EngineID=cccjadekfdmleefcefecekjdffidfmf.0&productID=BK_BEAR_000001
FREE OFFER Would you like to write a short review of THE LAUGH MAKERS to be posted on Amazon.com? If so, you will be provided a FREE AUDIO VERSION of the book, unabridged and read by the author with musical bridges by Barry Dugan. Write to:
TheLaughmakers@GMail.com and write “Review Copy” in the subject line. You will be sent an address to access the book on MP3 or .wav files that may be downloaded to your I-Pod or computer. No time limit applies -- you may post your review at any time following completion of the book.
_______________________
MONDAY, July 12, 2010
In a taped telephone call, Mel Gibson unleashed a racist, hate-filled rant against his estranged girlfriend Oksana Grigorieva. A YouTube version has surfaced in which he’s seen mooning her dressed in a kilt.
It turns out that the Russian-American spy swap in Vienna almost didn’t come off as planned. At the last minute, the Russians threatened to walk away unless the U.S. threw in Yakov Smirnoff.
A treasure hunter using a metal detector on a English countryside unearthed thousands of Roman coins which archeologists are calling the most compelling evidence yet that the original Caesar’s Palace had slot machines.
Delhi, India’s new $3 billion international airport features 95 airline counters on sixty-three levels serving 400 departure-arrival gates. It’s so efficient, the air traffic controllers fill their time between flights providing tech support for Microsoft.
Sky Chefs, Inc., which prepares in-flight meals for the major airlines, faces stiff fines for maintaining facilities contaminated with bacteria. Investigators became suspicious when they noticed “Truffles and Smoked Norwegian Salmonella” offered in First Class on Delta.
Excerpted from THE LAUGH MAKERS
AIR PENTAGON
Throughout his career, Hope’s friendships with high-ranking politicians paid tremendous dividends. Whenever he visited the capital, the red carpet was promptly unrolled. He was beeper-friendly with government officials from congressmen to press aides to Pentagon generals, and for Reagan’s two terms, he was only a phone call away from the Oval Office.
In May 1987, the Hope Squadron was airlifted to Pope Air Force base in Fayetteville, North Carolina aboard the personal plane of Gen. Dwayne Cassidy, the chief of the Air Force’s Military Airlift Command. We would tape a 90-minute special there celebrating both Hope’s eighty-fifth birthday and the seventy-fifth anniversary of the outfit that had transported him from base-to-base during his overseas Christmas tours.
Also on board sharing the general’s special VIP quarters that included a kitchen (complete with chef ) were Dolores Hope, Lucille Ball and her husband Gary Morton and the Hopes’ toy poodle, “Toby.” The pampered pooch was seldom left at home whenever the Hopes traveled. Since Hope believed that spaying constituted cruel-and-unusual punishment, the catered-to canine had left his distinctive scent on some of the most expensive hotel suite curtains in the world — including his favorites in New York’s posh Waldorf Towers.
The first inkling I had that there might be trouble on our flight to Pope came as I was returning from the galley after breakfast to catch a nap in the passenger seats they had set up for us in the rear of the plane, further from the engines and a little quieter. I passed a bird colonel standing at the bottom of a seven-foot ladder with a large maintenance manual open on the ladder’s shelf. He was studying it intently while handing tools to someone who, from about chest-high, was invisible. He reached for another tool and I could see stripes — he was a tech sergeant!
Colonels don’t ordinarily follow a sergeant’s orders. I went to find Jim Lipton, an experienced pilot himself, to see what I could find out. “Don’t tell anyone else,” he whispered, as much as one can whisper on a Starlifter in flight. “The pilot may not be able to lower the flaps all the way when we land. They think it’s a hydraulic problem, and they’re trying to find the leak.” I said, I thought rather calmly under the circumstances, “Can we land without the flaps?”
We could, but, since the flaps slow the plane, it would require a longer air field — about 250 more feet than Pope has. And foam — lots of foam. We were still about an hour-and-a-half from touchdown. Plenty of time to isolate that leak, right? No one else seemed to notice the little drama I had spotted immediately. Writers are just more observant, I guess. Sometimes, it’s a curse.
After a nail-biting fifteen minutes, the sergeant smiled, replaced the sound-baffling panel he had removed to access the hydraulic lines, and climbed down the ladder. I think I saw the colonel salute him. We would land with the flaps fully extended after all. And that, my friends, was the closest we came to real trouble — as far as I was ever aware — during the thousands of miles I flew with the Hope show. Pretty remarkable, no?
Tomorrow: Reagan drops in
Order THE LAUGH MAKERS on line:
http://www.amazon.com/LAUGH-MAKERS-Behind-Scenes-Incredible/product-reviews/1593933231/ref=cm_cr_pr_link_2?ie=UTF8&showViewpoints=0&pageNumber=2
Also available in an unabridged audio version read by the author: http://www.audible.com/adbl/site/products/ProductDetail.jsp?BV_SessionID=@@@@0545479184.1272211432@@@@&BV_EngineID=cccjadekfdmleefcefecekjdffidfmf.0&productID=BK_BEAR_000001
FREE OFFER Would you like to write a short review of THE LAUGH MAKERS to be posted on Amazon.com? If so, you will be provided a FREE AUDIO VERSION of the book, unabridged and read by the author with musical bridges by Barry Dugan. Write to:
TheLaughmakers@GMail.com and write “Review Copy” in the subject line. You will be sent an address to access the book on MP3 or .wav files that may be downloaded to your I-Pod or computer. No time limit applies -- you may post your review at any time following completion of the book.
_______________________
It turns out that the Russian-American spy swap in Vienna almost didn’t come off as planned. At the last minute, the Russians threatened to walk away unless the U.S. threw in Yakov Smirnoff.
A treasure hunter using a metal detector on a English countryside unearthed thousands of Roman coins which archeologists are calling the most compelling evidence yet that the original Caesar’s Palace had slot machines.
Delhi, India’s new $3 billion international airport features 95 airline counters on sixty-three levels serving 400 departure-arrival gates. It’s so efficient, the air traffic controllers fill their time between flights providing tech support for Microsoft.
Sky Chefs, Inc., which prepares in-flight meals for the major airlines, faces stiff fines for maintaining facilities contaminated with bacteria. Investigators became suspicious when they noticed “Truffles and Smoked Norwegian Salmonella” offered in First Class on Delta.
Excerpted from THE LAUGH MAKERS
AIR PENTAGON
Throughout his career, Hope’s friendships with high-ranking politicians paid tremendous dividends. Whenever he visited the capital, the red carpet was promptly unrolled. He was beeper-friendly with government officials from congressmen to press aides to Pentagon generals, and for Reagan’s two terms, he was only a phone call away from the Oval Office.
In May 1987, the Hope Squadron was airlifted to Pope Air Force base in Fayetteville, North Carolina aboard the personal plane of Gen. Dwayne Cassidy, the chief of the Air Force’s Military Airlift Command. We would tape a 90-minute special there celebrating both Hope’s eighty-fifth birthday and the seventy-fifth anniversary of the outfit that had transported him from base-to-base during his overseas Christmas tours.
Also on board sharing the general’s special VIP quarters that included a kitchen (complete with chef ) were Dolores Hope, Lucille Ball and her husband Gary Morton and the Hopes’ toy poodle, “Toby.” The pampered pooch was seldom left at home whenever the Hopes traveled. Since Hope believed that spaying constituted cruel-and-unusual punishment, the catered-to canine had left his distinctive scent on some of the most expensive hotel suite curtains in the world — including his favorites in New York’s posh Waldorf Towers.
The first inkling I had that there might be trouble on our flight to Pope came as I was returning from the galley after breakfast to catch a nap in the passenger seats they had set up for us in the rear of the plane, further from the engines and a little quieter. I passed a bird colonel standing at the bottom of a seven-foot ladder with a large maintenance manual open on the ladder’s shelf. He was studying it intently while handing tools to someone who, from about chest-high, was invisible. He reached for another tool and I could see stripes — he was a tech sergeant!
Colonels don’t ordinarily follow a sergeant’s orders. I went to find Jim Lipton, an experienced pilot himself, to see what I could find out. “Don’t tell anyone else,” he whispered, as much as one can whisper on a Starlifter in flight. “The pilot may not be able to lower the flaps all the way when we land. They think it’s a hydraulic problem, and they’re trying to find the leak.” I said, I thought rather calmly under the circumstances, “Can we land without the flaps?”
We could, but, since the flaps slow the plane, it would require a longer air field — about 250 more feet than Pope has. And foam — lots of foam. We were still about an hour-and-a-half from touchdown. Plenty of time to isolate that leak, right? No one else seemed to notice the little drama I had spotted immediately. Writers are just more observant, I guess. Sometimes, it’s a curse.
After a nail-biting fifteen minutes, the sergeant smiled, replaced the sound-baffling panel he had removed to access the hydraulic lines, and climbed down the ladder. I think I saw the colonel salute him. We would land with the flaps fully extended after all. And that, my friends, was the closest we came to real trouble — as far as I was ever aware — during the thousands of miles I flew with the Hope show. Pretty remarkable, no?
Tomorrow: Reagan drops in
Order THE LAUGH MAKERS on line:
http://www.amazon.com/LAUGH-MAKERS-Behind-Scenes-Incredible/product-reviews/1593933231/ref=cm_cr_pr_link_2?ie=UTF8&showViewpoints=0&pageNumber=2
Also available in an unabridged audio version read by the author: http://www.audible.com/adbl/site/products/ProductDetail.jsp?BV_SessionID=@@@@0545479184.1272211432@@@@&BV_EngineID=cccjadekfdmleefcefecekjdffidfmf.0&productID=BK_BEAR_000001
FREE OFFER Would you like to write a short review of THE LAUGH MAKERS to be posted on Amazon.com? If so, you will be provided a FREE AUDIO VERSION of the book, unabridged and read by the author with musical bridges by Barry Dugan. Write to:
TheLaughmakers@GMail.com and write “Review Copy” in the subject line. You will be sent an address to access the book on MP3 or .wav files that may be downloaded to your I-Pod or computer. No time limit applies -- you may post your review at any time following completion of the book.
_______________________
FRI, SAT, SUN, July 9, 10, 11
LAFFS From The PAST (From our issue dated July, 10, 2000)
Following a record voter turnout, former Coca-Cola executive Vicente Fox has been elected the new president of Mexico. When asked for his reaction, George Bush said he wishes him luck and loved him in “Back to the Future."
A thermal invasion from the Sahara Desert is breaking centuries-old heat records in Europe, scorching Turkey, Bulgaria, Greece, Romania and Italy. Vatican priests are baptizing kids by dipping them in crushed ice.
Michelle Wei, 10, who could drive a golf ball 100 yards at age 5, is the youngest player ever to compete in the USGA's Amateur Public Links Championship. At that age, the 19th hole is a medium pepperoni and small soda at Chucky Cheese.
Doctors at the Harvard Medical School have successfully regenerated dead or nonexistent brain cells in lab mice and believe they could do the same for humans. The next step in the research could be touchy -- trying to convince
Dan Quayle to be tested.
Until next time, I leave you with the immortal words of Marie Antoinette who really said of the peasants threatening to revolt, "Let 'em carbo load."
______________________________
Excerpted From THE LAUGH MAKERS
We were allowed to shop during our visit but — officially — only at government-sponsored retail outlets for tourists called “Freedom Stores.” Here the prices were set and clearly marked. No dickering. Even so, they were reasonable, and I brought home three good-quality wool rugs which still serve admirably.
Longing for a little more adventure, one afternoon Don, Gig and I slipped away from our guide for a couple of hours. In a narrow alley about a mile from the hotel, we discovered a small antique shop, obviously not intended for tourists. The musty interior was piled high with artifacts from estate-sales — rugs, furniture, household utensils, silverware, paintings, photos, lamps, vases, family stamps called chops made of marble or ivory and decorated with dragons, lions, monkeys and other characters from China’s ancient mythology.
More items made of ivory — chopsticks, statuary, and finely-carved jewelry. Up a narrow flight of stairs was the clothing — kimonos, men’s suits, jackets, caps, sandals, shoes — all in a pile that said it hadn’t been disturbed in years. Hanging on one wall of the dimly lit mezzanine, almost unnoticed, were old costumes retired from the Peking Opera — multicolored capes, pantaloons, garments weighted down with gold embroidery. Here was a treasure trove that foreigners weren’t supposed to find! We felt like Sydney Greenstreet stumbling upon the Maltese Falcon. We made a few purchases and headed back to the hotel.
That night over dinner, we mentioned our find to Mikhail Baryshnikov — Mischa to his friends, thank you — and he went giddy with excitement. Peking Opera costumes? Authentic ones? Immediately. We had to draw him a detailed map so he could check them out next day. A few days later, Mischa’s manager asked me if I’d be willing to lend his client some money. He had run out of cash and he had arranged to buy five of the costumes for around $300 apiece. I said, “Like I’m gonna lend money to a Russian defector who’s in show business? This is a joke, right?” Actually, I had about tapped out too, but suggested he ask our production cashier, Wil Oborn — we were issued a daily per diem in yuan — for an advance. I’m told the five priceless costumes are now on display in his Manhattan brownstone.
Next week: Trouble at 30,000 feet?
Order THE LAUGH MAKERS on line:
http://www.amazon.com/LAUGH-MAKERS-Behind-Scenes-Incredible/product-reviews/1593933231/ref=cm_cr_pr_link_2?ie=UTF8&showViewpoints=0&pageNumber=2
Also available in an unabridged audio version read by the author: http://www.audible.com/adbl/site/products/ProductDetail.jsp?BV_SessionID=@@@@0545479184.1272211432@@@@&BV_EngineID=cccjadekfdmleefcefecekjdffidfmf.0&productID=BK_BEAR_000001
FREE OFFER Would you like to write a short review of THE LAUGH MAKERS to be posted on Amazon.com? If so, you will be provided a FREE AUDIO VERSION of the book, unabridged and read by the author with musical bridges by Barry Dugan. Write to:
TheLaughmakers@GMail.com and write “Review Copy” in the subject line. You will be sent an address to access the book on MP3 or .wav files that may be downloaded to your I-Pod or computer. No time limit applies -- you may post your review at any time following completion of the book.
Following a record voter turnout, former Coca-Cola executive Vicente Fox has been elected the new president of Mexico. When asked for his reaction, George Bush said he wishes him luck and loved him in “Back to the Future."
A thermal invasion from the Sahara Desert is breaking centuries-old heat records in Europe, scorching Turkey, Bulgaria, Greece, Romania and Italy. Vatican priests are baptizing kids by dipping them in crushed ice.
Michelle Wei, 10, who could drive a golf ball 100 yards at age 5, is the youngest player ever to compete in the USGA's Amateur Public Links Championship. At that age, the 19th hole is a medium pepperoni and small soda at Chucky Cheese.
Doctors at the Harvard Medical School have successfully regenerated dead or nonexistent brain cells in lab mice and believe they could do the same for humans. The next step in the research could be touchy -- trying to convince
Dan Quayle to be tested.
Until next time, I leave you with the immortal words of Marie Antoinette who really said of the peasants threatening to revolt, "Let 'em carbo load."
______________________________
Excerpted From THE LAUGH MAKERS
We were allowed to shop during our visit but — officially — only at government-sponsored retail outlets for tourists called “Freedom Stores.” Here the prices were set and clearly marked. No dickering. Even so, they were reasonable, and I brought home three good-quality wool rugs which still serve admirably.
Longing for a little more adventure, one afternoon Don, Gig and I slipped away from our guide for a couple of hours. In a narrow alley about a mile from the hotel, we discovered a small antique shop, obviously not intended for tourists. The musty interior was piled high with artifacts from estate-sales — rugs, furniture, household utensils, silverware, paintings, photos, lamps, vases, family stamps called chops made of marble or ivory and decorated with dragons, lions, monkeys and other characters from China’s ancient mythology.
More items made of ivory — chopsticks, statuary, and finely-carved jewelry. Up a narrow flight of stairs was the clothing — kimonos, men’s suits, jackets, caps, sandals, shoes — all in a pile that said it hadn’t been disturbed in years. Hanging on one wall of the dimly lit mezzanine, almost unnoticed, were old costumes retired from the Peking Opera — multicolored capes, pantaloons, garments weighted down with gold embroidery. Here was a treasure trove that foreigners weren’t supposed to find! We felt like Sydney Greenstreet stumbling upon the Maltese Falcon. We made a few purchases and headed back to the hotel.
That night over dinner, we mentioned our find to Mikhail Baryshnikov — Mischa to his friends, thank you — and he went giddy with excitement. Peking Opera costumes? Authentic ones? Immediately. We had to draw him a detailed map so he could check them out next day. A few days later, Mischa’s manager asked me if I’d be willing to lend his client some money. He had run out of cash and he had arranged to buy five of the costumes for around $300 apiece. I said, “Like I’m gonna lend money to a Russian defector who’s in show business? This is a joke, right?” Actually, I had about tapped out too, but suggested he ask our production cashier, Wil Oborn — we were issued a daily per diem in yuan — for an advance. I’m told the five priceless costumes are now on display in his Manhattan brownstone.
Next week: Trouble at 30,000 feet?
Order THE LAUGH MAKERS on line:
http://www.amazon.com/LAUGH-MAKERS-Behind-Scenes-Incredible/product-reviews/1593933231/ref=cm_cr_pr_link_2?ie=UTF8&showViewpoints=0&pageNumber=2
Also available in an unabridged audio version read by the author: http://www.audible.com/adbl/site/products/ProductDetail.jsp?BV_SessionID=@@@@0545479184.1272211432@@@@&BV_EngineID=cccjadekfdmleefcefecekjdffidfmf.0&productID=BK_BEAR_000001
FREE OFFER Would you like to write a short review of THE LAUGH MAKERS to be posted on Amazon.com? If so, you will be provided a FREE AUDIO VERSION of the book, unabridged and read by the author with musical bridges by Barry Dugan. Write to:
TheLaughmakers@GMail.com and write “Review Copy” in the subject line. You will be sent an address to access the book on MP3 or .wav files that may be downloaded to your I-Pod or computer. No time limit applies -- you may post your review at any time following completion of the book.
THURSDAY, July 8, 2010
There was some confusion during Queen Elizabeth’s historic visit to the UN as to whether curtsying would be required. But all was well after Hillary Clinton notified the British embassy that she didn’t care whether the queen curtsied or not.
The Kremlin has signaled the F.B.I. that they would be willing to swap American spies serving sentences in Russian prisons for the ten Russian spy suspects arrested in Virginia and New York. Not to be outdone, Sweden has offered to toss in Roman Polanski for Ann-Margret.
According to a study conducted by Morgan Chase, the nations with the friendliest banks are China, Russia and India. Small problem with Chinese banks, though -- you can’t withdraw your money until you promise not to spent it in Taiwan.
A 15-year-old girl in St. Paul, Minnesota was charged with shoplifting forty-four pairs of panties from a local K-Mart. She was sentenced to one year’s probation and ordered to take remedial math after she told the judge she wanted a different pair for each day of the month.
According to a study commissioned by the Department of Agriculture, it now costs parents in the U.S. $475,000 to raise one child. And that’s just the bill for college -- housing, clothing and food are extra.
______________________________
Excerpted From THE LAUGH MAKERS
CARD TRICKS
On every overseas trip, Barney McNulty, a naval history buff, would check out the local maritime museums. During our week’s stay in Shanghai, he struck a mother-lode and was spending much of his free time exploring the museum he found in that ancient seaport upon which the British had so thoroughly stamped their influence. As would happen occasionally, on one foray, he lost the concept of time’s unceasing march and was nowhere to be found when Hope and Mikhail Baryshnikov arrived for a scheduled run-through.
Without the cue cards, they were helpless and, as the minutes ticked on, Hope became more and more annoyed. He was slow to anger, but cross the line and he could make the offending party wish he or she had stayed in bed or
even out of show business — witness his dressing down Tony Randall in Chapter 2. Since Barney’s tardiness was not that unusual, when it did happen, we’d all pitch in to protect him, making sure we’d catch him before Hope did to warn him.
Finally, Barney strolled into the hotel — forty-five minutes late — and we were able to alert him that he’d better have a solid story ready. He did and immediately began pleading his case — he’d never seen so many books on the British Navy, he was so fascinated by the ship models that lined the museum’s walls, he was transported to another place, another time — a place where cue cards weren’t on the top of one’s list. It was a gallant effort, but Hope was all over him like Simon Cowell on a tone-deaf American Idol contestant.
“This is it, Barney — the last straw! You’ve gone too far this time. I’ve let it slide in the past, but now it’s too late. You’re through. Done. I can’t rely on you, and you’re no longer of any use to me.” Barney looked genuinely crestfallen. “Sorry, boss...” It was an apology that was all too familiar. We’d heard it before. As Barney slowly turned to leave. Hope said, “Where are you going now?” “To find a Chinese guy who can print in English.” “Okay, as soon as we land in Burbank...”
Barney had a unique relationship with Hope because he was, while holding the cards, always up front and visible, vulnerable — the ideal flack-catching position if anything went wrong. Worse, he was almost in the audience. He was like an all-too-convenient whipping boy. But there was a special bond between the two men that you could feel just watching them together. Maybe part of it was due to an incident that happened in Vietnam toward the end of the war.
A secret itinerary for a USO Christmas special had fallen into the hands of the Viet Cong who scored a direct hit on the suite Hope was supposed to be occupying at the Brinks Hotel in Saigon. The room, and several to either side of it, was completely destroyed, and the only reason Hope wasn’t in it was because Barn had failed to show up for a rehearsal.
Barney had saved Hope’s life and the memory of that close call was never far from their minds.
Tomorrow: Shopping in 1979 China
Order THE LAUGH MAKERS on line:
http://www.amazon.com/LAUGH-MAKERS-Behind-Scenes-Incredible/product-reviews/1593933231/ref=cm_cr_pr_link_2?ie=UTF8&showViewpoints=0&pageNumber=2
Also available in an unabridged audio version read by the author: http://www.audible.com/adbl/site/products/ProductDetail.jsp?BV_SessionID=@@@@0545479184.1272211432@@@@&BV_EngineID=cccjadekfdmleefcefecekjdffidfmf.0&productID=BK_BEAR_000001
FREE OFFER Would you like to write a short review of THE LAUGH MAKERS to be posted on Amazon.com? If so, you will be provided a FREE AUDIO VERSION of the book, unabridged and read by the author with musical bridges by Barry Dugan. Write to:
TheLaughmakers@GMail.com and write “Review Copy” in the subject line. You will be sent an address to access the book on MP3 or .wav files that may be downloaded to your I-Pod or computer. No time limit applies -- you may post your review at any time following completion of the book.
The Kremlin has signaled the F.B.I. that they would be willing to swap American spies serving sentences in Russian prisons for the ten Russian spy suspects arrested in Virginia and New York. Not to be outdone, Sweden has offered to toss in Roman Polanski for Ann-Margret.
According to a study conducted by Morgan Chase, the nations with the friendliest banks are China, Russia and India. Small problem with Chinese banks, though -- you can’t withdraw your money until you promise not to spent it in Taiwan.
A 15-year-old girl in St. Paul, Minnesota was charged with shoplifting forty-four pairs of panties from a local K-Mart. She was sentenced to one year’s probation and ordered to take remedial math after she told the judge she wanted a different pair for each day of the month.
According to a study commissioned by the Department of Agriculture, it now costs parents in the U.S. $475,000 to raise one child. And that’s just the bill for college -- housing, clothing and food are extra.
______________________________
Excerpted From THE LAUGH MAKERS
CARD TRICKS
On every overseas trip, Barney McNulty, a naval history buff, would check out the local maritime museums. During our week’s stay in Shanghai, he struck a mother-lode and was spending much of his free time exploring the museum he found in that ancient seaport upon which the British had so thoroughly stamped their influence. As would happen occasionally, on one foray, he lost the concept of time’s unceasing march and was nowhere to be found when Hope and Mikhail Baryshnikov arrived for a scheduled run-through.
Without the cue cards, they were helpless and, as the minutes ticked on, Hope became more and more annoyed. He was slow to anger, but cross the line and he could make the offending party wish he or she had stayed in bed or
even out of show business — witness his dressing down Tony Randall in Chapter 2. Since Barney’s tardiness was not that unusual, when it did happen, we’d all pitch in to protect him, making sure we’d catch him before Hope did to warn him.
Finally, Barney strolled into the hotel — forty-five minutes late — and we were able to alert him that he’d better have a solid story ready. He did and immediately began pleading his case — he’d never seen so many books on the British Navy, he was so fascinated by the ship models that lined the museum’s walls, he was transported to another place, another time — a place where cue cards weren’t on the top of one’s list. It was a gallant effort, but Hope was all over him like Simon Cowell on a tone-deaf American Idol contestant.
“This is it, Barney — the last straw! You’ve gone too far this time. I’ve let it slide in the past, but now it’s too late. You’re through. Done. I can’t rely on you, and you’re no longer of any use to me.” Barney looked genuinely crestfallen. “Sorry, boss...” It was an apology that was all too familiar. We’d heard it before. As Barney slowly turned to leave. Hope said, “Where are you going now?” “To find a Chinese guy who can print in English.” “Okay, as soon as we land in Burbank...”
Barney had a unique relationship with Hope because he was, while holding the cards, always up front and visible, vulnerable — the ideal flack-catching position if anything went wrong. Worse, he was almost in the audience. He was like an all-too-convenient whipping boy. But there was a special bond between the two men that you could feel just watching them together. Maybe part of it was due to an incident that happened in Vietnam toward the end of the war.
A secret itinerary for a USO Christmas special had fallen into the hands of the Viet Cong who scored a direct hit on the suite Hope was supposed to be occupying at the Brinks Hotel in Saigon. The room, and several to either side of it, was completely destroyed, and the only reason Hope wasn’t in it was because Barn had failed to show up for a rehearsal.
Barney had saved Hope’s life and the memory of that close call was never far from their minds.
Tomorrow: Shopping in 1979 China
Order THE LAUGH MAKERS on line:
http://www.amazon.com/LAUGH-MAKERS-Behind-Scenes-Incredible/product-reviews/1593933231/ref=cm_cr_pr_link_2?ie=UTF8&showViewpoints=0&pageNumber=2
Also available in an unabridged audio version read by the author: http://www.audible.com/adbl/site/products/ProductDetail.jsp?BV_SessionID=@@@@0545479184.1272211432@@@@&BV_EngineID=cccjadekfdmleefcefecekjdffidfmf.0&productID=BK_BEAR_000001
FREE OFFER Would you like to write a short review of THE LAUGH MAKERS to be posted on Amazon.com? If so, you will be provided a FREE AUDIO VERSION of the book, unabridged and read by the author with musical bridges by Barry Dugan. Write to:
TheLaughmakers@GMail.com and write “Review Copy” in the subject line. You will be sent an address to access the book on MP3 or .wav files that may be downloaded to your I-Pod or computer. No time limit applies -- you may post your review at any time following completion of the book.
WEDNESDAY, July 7, 2010
Former Vice-President Dick Cheney was treated over the memorial Day weekend for chest pains. His doctors ruled out a coronary, but he wasn’t taking any chances. He’s had so many heart attacks, he named his two Great Danes “Jolt” and “Paddles.”
The $117 million “Knight and Day” starring Tom Cruise as a federal agent who romances Cameron Diaz has been soundly trounced by “Toy Story 3” in ticket sales. Which just goes to prove the public is more willing to accept Don Rickles as a potato than Tom Cruise as a romantic G-Man.
To discourage their use, the federal government has imposed a 10% surtax on cancer-causing tanning beds. Undeterred, some cash-challenged sun worshipers are making do by sticking their face under the French fry warming lamps at Burger King.
Cut-rate Irish air carrier Ryanair, known for reducing costs, may soon offer a "standing-room only" ticket for 10% less than the price of a regular seat. You can save an additional 10% if you’re willing to wonder up and down the aisle pointing out landmarks.
Among the first states to allow personalized license plates, California will soon introduce LED-equipped plates that display advertising. For a few dollars more, you can order one that also plays music and is made and signed by Phil Spector.
______________________________
Excerpted From THE LAUGH MAKERS
In July 1969, Neil Armstrong became the first man to set foot on the moon. The eyes of the world were focused on TV screens from Maine to Moscow as Armstrong planted the stars and stripes on the planet’s silvery surface and haltingly spoke his momentous words: “One small step for man, one giant leap for mankind.” As Armstrong was shaking the moon dust off of his space boots, at the NBC studios in Burbank, a tape of a Bob Hope special was being beamed by satellite to New York to be aired that night. Hope had taped his monologue the day before, and, while he had referred to the moon shot generally, the landing itself, which NASA had authorized at the last minute, wasn’t mentioned. Immediately, Hope was on the phone to NBC’s Engineering
-- Would it be possible to pause the tape during the monologue so that he could insert several jokes live? They told him it had never been done, but they felt certain it was technically possible. The writers were put to work on fresh material covering the historic landing. Then Hope reserved a set and assembled his technical crew.
They would have to recreate the stage backdrop and lighting precisely as they looked on the master tape. Hope himself would dress exactly as he was dressed that night and position himself so that when the director cut away during an audience transition shot, he’d appear on camera, insert the new jokes, the tape would resume running and the audience at home would be none the wiser. Pinpoint timing would be essential. Hope’s lines must fit snugly into the hole in the tape created expressly for them. As it had begun, the live insert would conclude with a shot of the audience, which would allow the director leeway of a second or two. The volume level of Hope’s voice would have to match the tape’s for the ruse to work. And it was not without considerable risk. If anything went wrong, the operation could come off as cheesy and amateurish — and torpedo the entire show. Luckily, all went as planned and Hope had his updated monologue.
Since every crew member connected with the deception was working on what the craft unions call “golden time” (triple their usual salary), the jokes had to be the most expensive Hope ever delivered — “I’d congratulate the NASA scientists, but I don’t speak German.” The process was costly, technically challenging, and, some would argue, entirely unnecessary. Would the audience have faulted Hope for not mentioning the moon landing? Who knows? But the incident illustrates the lengths he would go to ensure that whatever went into America’s living rooms bearing his name was the best show that he could produce.
Tomorrow: Looking for an English-speaking cue card man in China
Order THE LAUGH MAKERS on line:
http://www.amazon.com/LAUGH-MAKERS-Behind-Scenes-Incredible/product-reviews/1593933231/ref=cm_cr_pr_link_2?ie=UTF8&showViewpoints=0&pageNumber=2
Also available in an unabridged audio version read by the author: http://www.audible.com/adbl/site/products/ProductDetail.jsp?BV_SessionID=@@@@0545479184.1272211432@@@@&BV_EngineID=cccjadekfdmleefcefecekjdffidfmf.0&productID=BK_BEAR_000001
FREE OFFER Would you like to write a short review of THE LAUGH MAKERS to be posted on Amazon.com? If so, you will be provided a FREE AUDIO VERSION of the book, unabridged and read by the author with musical bridges by Barry Dugan. Write to:
TheLaughmakers@GMail.com and write “Review Copy” in the subject line. You will be sent an address to access the book on MP3 or .wav files that may be downloaded to your I-Pod or computer. No time limit applies -- you may post your review at any time following completion of the book.
_______________________
The $117 million “Knight and Day” starring Tom Cruise as a federal agent who romances Cameron Diaz has been soundly trounced by “Toy Story 3” in ticket sales. Which just goes to prove the public is more willing to accept Don Rickles as a potato than Tom Cruise as a romantic G-Man.
To discourage their use, the federal government has imposed a 10% surtax on cancer-causing tanning beds. Undeterred, some cash-challenged sun worshipers are making do by sticking their face under the French fry warming lamps at Burger King.
Cut-rate Irish air carrier Ryanair, known for reducing costs, may soon offer a "standing-room only" ticket for 10% less than the price of a regular seat. You can save an additional 10% if you’re willing to wonder up and down the aisle pointing out landmarks.
Among the first states to allow personalized license plates, California will soon introduce LED-equipped plates that display advertising. For a few dollars more, you can order one that also plays music and is made and signed by Phil Spector.
______________________________
Excerpted From THE LAUGH MAKERS
In July 1969, Neil Armstrong became the first man to set foot on the moon. The eyes of the world were focused on TV screens from Maine to Moscow as Armstrong planted the stars and stripes on the planet’s silvery surface and haltingly spoke his momentous words: “One small step for man, one giant leap for mankind.” As Armstrong was shaking the moon dust off of his space boots, at the NBC studios in Burbank, a tape of a Bob Hope special was being beamed by satellite to New York to be aired that night. Hope had taped his monologue the day before, and, while he had referred to the moon shot generally, the landing itself, which NASA had authorized at the last minute, wasn’t mentioned. Immediately, Hope was on the phone to NBC’s Engineering
-- Would it be possible to pause the tape during the monologue so that he could insert several jokes live? They told him it had never been done, but they felt certain it was technically possible. The writers were put to work on fresh material covering the historic landing. Then Hope reserved a set and assembled his technical crew.
They would have to recreate the stage backdrop and lighting precisely as they looked on the master tape. Hope himself would dress exactly as he was dressed that night and position himself so that when the director cut away during an audience transition shot, he’d appear on camera, insert the new jokes, the tape would resume running and the audience at home would be none the wiser. Pinpoint timing would be essential. Hope’s lines must fit snugly into the hole in the tape created expressly for them. As it had begun, the live insert would conclude with a shot of the audience, which would allow the director leeway of a second or two. The volume level of Hope’s voice would have to match the tape’s for the ruse to work. And it was not without considerable risk. If anything went wrong, the operation could come off as cheesy and amateurish — and torpedo the entire show. Luckily, all went as planned and Hope had his updated monologue.
Since every crew member connected with the deception was working on what the craft unions call “golden time” (triple their usual salary), the jokes had to be the most expensive Hope ever delivered — “I’d congratulate the NASA scientists, but I don’t speak German.” The process was costly, technically challenging, and, some would argue, entirely unnecessary. Would the audience have faulted Hope for not mentioning the moon landing? Who knows? But the incident illustrates the lengths he would go to ensure that whatever went into America’s living rooms bearing his name was the best show that he could produce.
Tomorrow: Looking for an English-speaking cue card man in China
Order THE LAUGH MAKERS on line:
http://www.amazon.com/LAUGH-MAKERS-Behind-Scenes-Incredible/product-reviews/1593933231/ref=cm_cr_pr_link_2?ie=UTF8&showViewpoints=0&pageNumber=2
Also available in an unabridged audio version read by the author: http://www.audible.com/adbl/site/products/ProductDetail.jsp?BV_SessionID=@@@@0545479184.1272211432@@@@&BV_EngineID=cccjadekfdmleefcefecekjdffidfmf.0&productID=BK_BEAR_000001
FREE OFFER Would you like to write a short review of THE LAUGH MAKERS to be posted on Amazon.com? If so, you will be provided a FREE AUDIO VERSION of the book, unabridged and read by the author with musical bridges by Barry Dugan. Write to:
TheLaughmakers@GMail.com and write “Review Copy” in the subject line. You will be sent an address to access the book on MP3 or .wav files that may be downloaded to your I-Pod or computer. No time limit applies -- you may post your review at any time following completion of the book.
_______________________
TUESDAY, July 6, 2010
The F.B.I. now admits that the Russian spy plot might have gone undetected but for an alert elementary school teacher in Queens who noticed one of her students in the cafeteria drinking borscht he’d brought to school in a Karl Marx lunch box.
Secretary of State Hillary Clinton says she’s busy making final arrangements for the wedding of daughter Chelsea who will marry childhood sweetheart Marc Mesvinsky on July 31 at the estate of billionaire John Jacob Astor. Bill Clinton, meanwhile, is in charge of Marc’s bachelor party at Hooters in Westchester.
Lady Gaga has become the first living celebrity to collect more than 10 million fans on Facebook, although she still trails Michael Jackson who, of course, is dead. But she may best Michael at his own game -- there are rumors that she’s hired his doctor to anesthetize one of her Ga’s.
Female Disney employees may now wear skirts without the stockings previously required to hide their legs. The announcement was made on the same day the Little Mermaid’s sports bra and Annette Funicello’s white turtleneck Mouseketeer jersey were formally retired.
Republican national Committee Chairman Michael Steele stunned reporters with his claim that it was Barack Obama who originally ordered U.S. troops into Afghanistan. When asked for his source, he claimed he’d first read it in print on Sarah Palin’s palm.
______________________________
Excerpted From THE LAUGH MAKERS
BAR EXAM
Sometimes, problems didn’t arise until after a show had been taped which made them even more troublesome and costly. One year, we did a Halloween special on which one of the guests was Cassandra Peterson, well-known as a Charles Addams-like character named Elvira. She appeared in a parody of the popular sitcom “Cheers” as a customer in the bar opposite Hope as the show’s bartender, Coach. In our sketch, Cassandra entered the bar, looked Hope up and down, and said, “Nice job. Who’s your undertaker?”
The Halloween special was set to air on Sunday night but on Friday, Nick Callesandro, the actor who played “Coach” on Cheers, suffered a sudden heart attack at his home in Burbank and died. Minutes after the grim news was broadcast, my phone rang. It was Hope with instructions to call the writers and have them begin working on a replacement line that could be dubbed onto the master tape, which had already been delivered to the network. In the meantime, he said, he would notify Cassandra to meet us at the sound studio for the emergency-looping session.
The line we were to come up with not only had to make sense in the context of the sketch, but it also had to match as closely as possible the actress’s lip movements. We tried five or six replacements until everyone settled on “Nice job. Did your makeup man quit?” The syllables matched perfectly and even on a large studio monitor, it was difficult to tell that her voice had been dubbed.
It was only a small change, but Hope had gone to the trouble and expense of fixing the line, knowing that failure to do so might make him appear crass and unfeeling to a television audience unaware that segments of so-called “live” shows are often taped well-in-advance. When it came to protecting his image in the eyes of the public, Hope’s judgment was usually sound.
Tomorrow: The first moon landing makes it into Hope’s monologue
Tomorrow: Order THE LAUGH MAKERS on line:
http://www.amazon.com/LAUGH-MAKERS-Behind-Scenes-Incredible/product-reviews/1593933231/ref=cm_cr_pr_link_2?ie=UTF8&showViewpoints=0&pageNumber=2
Also available in an unabridged audio version read by the author: http://www.audible.com/adbl/site/products/ProductDetail.jsp?BV_SessionID=@@@@0545479184.1272211432@@@@&BV_EngineID=cccjadekfdmleefcefecekjdffidfmf.0&productID=BK_BEAR_000001
FREE OFFER Would you like to write a short review of THE LAUGH MAKERS to be posted on Amazon.com? If so, you will be provided a FREE AUDIO VERSION of the book, unabridged and read by the author with musical bridges by Barry Dugan. Write to:
TheLaughmakers@GMail.com and write “Review Copy” in the subject line. You will be sent an address to access the book on MP3 or .wav files that may be downloaded to your I-Pod or computer. No time limit applies -- you may post your review at any time following completion of the book.
_______________________
Secretary of State Hillary Clinton says she’s busy making final arrangements for the wedding of daughter Chelsea who will marry childhood sweetheart Marc Mesvinsky on July 31 at the estate of billionaire John Jacob Astor. Bill Clinton, meanwhile, is in charge of Marc’s bachelor party at Hooters in Westchester.
Lady Gaga has become the first living celebrity to collect more than 10 million fans on Facebook, although she still trails Michael Jackson who, of course, is dead. But she may best Michael at his own game -- there are rumors that she’s hired his doctor to anesthetize one of her Ga’s.
Female Disney employees may now wear skirts without the stockings previously required to hide their legs. The announcement was made on the same day the Little Mermaid’s sports bra and Annette Funicello’s white turtleneck Mouseketeer jersey were formally retired.
Republican national Committee Chairman Michael Steele stunned reporters with his claim that it was Barack Obama who originally ordered U.S. troops into Afghanistan. When asked for his source, he claimed he’d first read it in print on Sarah Palin’s palm.
______________________________
Excerpted From THE LAUGH MAKERS
BAR EXAM
Sometimes, problems didn’t arise until after a show had been taped which made them even more troublesome and costly. One year, we did a Halloween special on which one of the guests was Cassandra Peterson, well-known as a Charles Addams-like character named Elvira. She appeared in a parody of the popular sitcom “Cheers” as a customer in the bar opposite Hope as the show’s bartender, Coach. In our sketch, Cassandra entered the bar, looked Hope up and down, and said, “Nice job. Who’s your undertaker?”
The Halloween special was set to air on Sunday night but on Friday, Nick Callesandro, the actor who played “Coach” on Cheers, suffered a sudden heart attack at his home in Burbank and died. Minutes after the grim news was broadcast, my phone rang. It was Hope with instructions to call the writers and have them begin working on a replacement line that could be dubbed onto the master tape, which had already been delivered to the network. In the meantime, he said, he would notify Cassandra to meet us at the sound studio for the emergency-looping session.
The line we were to come up with not only had to make sense in the context of the sketch, but it also had to match as closely as possible the actress’s lip movements. We tried five or six replacements until everyone settled on “Nice job. Did your makeup man quit?” The syllables matched perfectly and even on a large studio monitor, it was difficult to tell that her voice had been dubbed.
It was only a small change, but Hope had gone to the trouble and expense of fixing the line, knowing that failure to do so might make him appear crass and unfeeling to a television audience unaware that segments of so-called “live” shows are often taped well-in-advance. When it came to protecting his image in the eyes of the public, Hope’s judgment was usually sound.
Tomorrow: The first moon landing makes it into Hope’s monologue
Tomorrow: Order THE LAUGH MAKERS on line:
http://www.amazon.com/LAUGH-MAKERS-Behind-Scenes-Incredible/product-reviews/1593933231/ref=cm_cr_pr_link_2?ie=UTF8&showViewpoints=0&pageNumber=2
Also available in an unabridged audio version read by the author: http://www.audible.com/adbl/site/products/ProductDetail.jsp?BV_SessionID=@@@@0545479184.1272211432@@@@&BV_EngineID=cccjadekfdmleefcefecekjdffidfmf.0&productID=BK_BEAR_000001
FREE OFFER Would you like to write a short review of THE LAUGH MAKERS to be posted on Amazon.com? If so, you will be provided a FREE AUDIO VERSION of the book, unabridged and read by the author with musical bridges by Barry Dugan. Write to:
TheLaughmakers@GMail.com and write “Review Copy” in the subject line. You will be sent an address to access the book on MP3 or .wav files that may be downloaded to your I-Pod or computer. No time limit applies -- you may post your review at any time following completion of the book.
_______________________
MONDAY, July 5, 2010
Capping the deadliest month there since 2001, Gen. David Petraeus formally took command of US forces in Afghanistan. While admitting it will be difficult, he predicts the eventual eradication of the Taliban, al Qaeda and Rolling Stone Magazine.
During Vice President Joe Biden’s surprise Independence Day visit to Baghdad, security was ultra-tight. To confuse would-be assassins, he wore a turban and fingered worry beads while the two Secret Service agents inside his camel were changed every 15 minutes.
Reversing a decades-long trend, some school Phys Ed programs are being reinstated. It finally dawned on someone that since obese teens are already being pinned at Junior Proms held in otherwise unused school gymnasiums, maybe they’d get more out of wrestling.
At the G-20 global economic summit in Toronto last week, Canadian police arrested nearly 600 suspects -- 477 of whom have already been convicted. In Toronto, police induce suspects to plead guilty by piping Nelson Eddy-Janette McDonald records into their cells.
Customs agents conducting a routine sweep at the Bogota Airport found a gold-plated replica of the World Cup molded from 24 pounds of cocaine. Narcotics agents believe it was made by the same cartel that crafted Lindsay Lohan’s Peoples Choice statuette.
______________________________
Excerpted From THE LAUGH MAKERS
ARMOR STAR
Hope and the Muppets enjoyed a mutual admiration that came across on the screen every time they appeared on one of our specials or he guested on their syndicated series. They taped their weekly show at Elstree Studios near London, and whenever we were in England, Hope was sure to drop in. He also appeared in a cameo role as an ice cream vendor in their feature film, The Muppet Movie. His friendship with them had to be the warmest comedian-puppet relationship since W.C. Fields and Charlie McCarthy.
I think it was because they were so much alike. Jim Henson, the creator of the charming group of woolen wonders, was as careful about the material that he’d let come out of their mouths as Hope was about choosing jokes for himself. Both realized the importance of consistency in their characters and situations that the audience had come to expect. Whenever we submitted routines for the Muppets, Jim and his partner Frank Oz — the voice of Miss Piggy — would change any line that didn’t feel just right for their latex-and-felt cohorts whom they knew intimately. Reviewing a script, Jim might say, “This joke isn’t right for Kermit. Fozzy Bear might say it, but not the frog.” He spoke of them as though they were human, and, after working with them, I was convinced they were, too.
As usual, on a baseball special we taped one year, they added a delightful touch to our sketch that cast Hope as a major league team owner on the lookout for talent.
KERMIT: What did you want to see me about, Mr. Hope?
HOPE: Well frankly, Kermit, I’m looking for talent.
KERMIT: I get it. You’re doing another road picture, and you want me to be your co-star. You’re in luck. I happen to be at liberty.
HOPE: Hold on to your lily pad, Kermit. I need someone who can hit forty homers, drive in a hundred-and-twenty runs and steal thirty bases.
MISS PIGGY: (enters from offstage) You called?
Miss Piggy was the brainchild of Henson designer Kermit Love who had accompanied Big Bird’s operator, Carroll Spinney, to China in 1979. (See Chapter 8) Originally, he had modeled Miss Piggy after singer Peggy Lee, and named her “Miss Piggy Lee.” She had long, flowing hair like Peggy’s and a mole on her chin. After several appearances on television, the phone rang at Henson HQ — Ms. Lee’s lawyer threatening to sue. But everyone on the show liked the puppet so much, Love decided to make a few adjustments. He removed the mole, made her a new curly wig and dropped the “Lee.” The rest as they say...
KERMIT: Miss Piggy, this is man talk.
MISS PIGGY: I know, dear. What else could be so dull?
KERMIT: Bob was talking about me joining his team. It’s nothing that would interest you.
MISS PIGGY: It would if I were your agent.
This was a theme that ran through almost every routine we wrote for the Muppets — either Hope was going to join their troupe or one of them was to become his partner. The deals invariably fell through, when both sides realized what a good thing they had going. Why tamper with the success of superstars?
Though best known for their work on the PBS children’s series Sesame Street, the Muppets maintained a level of sophistication a few notches above that of some of our human guests. So completely convincing were they, the sound man would often hover the boom mike above their heads as they spoke, forgetting that their operators provided the voices on separate mikes located behind the stage.
MISS PIGGY: Kermit wants three-hundred grand for the season, limousine service to the ball park, caviar and champagne between innings, fresh flowers in the dugout daily and, oh yeah, a hairdresser for his agent.
In 1978, demands like these were exaggerations. How times have changed in thirty years. That would be parking meter change for today’s hot prospects. When it becomes clear that Kermit isn’t willing to leave the Muppets, Miss Piggy withdraws her client’s offer, but Hope manages to get in one parting-shot.
HOPE: I guess you wouldn’t be interested in playing football, either, huh?
MISS PIGGY: I beg your pardon.
HOPE: You know, kicking the ol’ pigskin around. (She winds up and punches Hope squarely in the solar plexus.)
The Muppets appeared regularly on our show throughout the eighties and in 1995, three years following the death of Jim Henson, they landed their own prime-time network series on ABC.
Tomorrow: When an unexpected death threatened to derail a Hope special
Order THE LAUGH MAKERS on line:
http://www.amazon.com/LAUGH-MAKERS-Behind-Scenes-Incredible/product-reviews/1593933231/ref=cm_cr_pr_link_2?ie=UTF8&showViewpoints=0&pageNumber=2
Also available in an unabridged audio version read by the author: http://www.audible.com/adbl/site/products/ProductDetail.jsp?BV_SessionID=@@@@0545479184.1272211432@@@@&BV_EngineID=cccjadekfdmleefcefecekjdffidfmf.0&productID=BK_BEAR_000001
FREE OFFER Would you like to write a short review of THE LAUGH MAKERS to be posted on Amazon.com? If so, you will be provided a FREE AUDIO VERSION of the book, unabridged and read by the author with musical bridges by Barry Dugan. Write to:
TheLaughmakers@GMail.com and write “Review Copy” in the subject line. You will be sent an address to access the book on MP3 or .wav files that may be downloaded to your I-Pod or computer. No time limit applies -- you may post your review at any time following completion of the book.
_______________________
During Vice President Joe Biden’s surprise Independence Day visit to Baghdad, security was ultra-tight. To confuse would-be assassins, he wore a turban and fingered worry beads while the two Secret Service agents inside his camel were changed every 15 minutes.
Reversing a decades-long trend, some school Phys Ed programs are being reinstated. It finally dawned on someone that since obese teens are already being pinned at Junior Proms held in otherwise unused school gymnasiums, maybe they’d get more out of wrestling.
At the G-20 global economic summit in Toronto last week, Canadian police arrested nearly 600 suspects -- 477 of whom have already been convicted. In Toronto, police induce suspects to plead guilty by piping Nelson Eddy-Janette McDonald records into their cells.
Customs agents conducting a routine sweep at the Bogota Airport found a gold-plated replica of the World Cup molded from 24 pounds of cocaine. Narcotics agents believe it was made by the same cartel that crafted Lindsay Lohan’s Peoples Choice statuette.
______________________________
Excerpted From THE LAUGH MAKERS
ARMOR STAR
Hope and the Muppets enjoyed a mutual admiration that came across on the screen every time they appeared on one of our specials or he guested on their syndicated series. They taped their weekly show at Elstree Studios near London, and whenever we were in England, Hope was sure to drop in. He also appeared in a cameo role as an ice cream vendor in their feature film, The Muppet Movie. His friendship with them had to be the warmest comedian-puppet relationship since W.C. Fields and Charlie McCarthy.
I think it was because they were so much alike. Jim Henson, the creator of the charming group of woolen wonders, was as careful about the material that he’d let come out of their mouths as Hope was about choosing jokes for himself. Both realized the importance of consistency in their characters and situations that the audience had come to expect. Whenever we submitted routines for the Muppets, Jim and his partner Frank Oz — the voice of Miss Piggy — would change any line that didn’t feel just right for their latex-and-felt cohorts whom they knew intimately. Reviewing a script, Jim might say, “This joke isn’t right for Kermit. Fozzy Bear might say it, but not the frog.” He spoke of them as though they were human, and, after working with them, I was convinced they were, too.
As usual, on a baseball special we taped one year, they added a delightful touch to our sketch that cast Hope as a major league team owner on the lookout for talent.
KERMIT: What did you want to see me about, Mr. Hope?
HOPE: Well frankly, Kermit, I’m looking for talent.
KERMIT: I get it. You’re doing another road picture, and you want me to be your co-star. You’re in luck. I happen to be at liberty.
HOPE: Hold on to your lily pad, Kermit. I need someone who can hit forty homers, drive in a hundred-and-twenty runs and steal thirty bases.
MISS PIGGY: (enters from offstage) You called?
Miss Piggy was the brainchild of Henson designer Kermit Love who had accompanied Big Bird’s operator, Carroll Spinney, to China in 1979. (See Chapter 8) Originally, he had modeled Miss Piggy after singer Peggy Lee, and named her “Miss Piggy Lee.” She had long, flowing hair like Peggy’s and a mole on her chin. After several appearances on television, the phone rang at Henson HQ — Ms. Lee’s lawyer threatening to sue. But everyone on the show liked the puppet so much, Love decided to make a few adjustments. He removed the mole, made her a new curly wig and dropped the “Lee.” The rest as they say...
KERMIT: Miss Piggy, this is man talk.
MISS PIGGY: I know, dear. What else could be so dull?
KERMIT: Bob was talking about me joining his team. It’s nothing that would interest you.
MISS PIGGY: It would if I were your agent.
This was a theme that ran through almost every routine we wrote for the Muppets — either Hope was going to join their troupe or one of them was to become his partner. The deals invariably fell through, when both sides realized what a good thing they had going. Why tamper with the success of superstars?
Though best known for their work on the PBS children’s series Sesame Street, the Muppets maintained a level of sophistication a few notches above that of some of our human guests. So completely convincing were they, the sound man would often hover the boom mike above their heads as they spoke, forgetting that their operators provided the voices on separate mikes located behind the stage.
MISS PIGGY: Kermit wants three-hundred grand for the season, limousine service to the ball park, caviar and champagne between innings, fresh flowers in the dugout daily and, oh yeah, a hairdresser for his agent.
In 1978, demands like these were exaggerations. How times have changed in thirty years. That would be parking meter change for today’s hot prospects. When it becomes clear that Kermit isn’t willing to leave the Muppets, Miss Piggy withdraws her client’s offer, but Hope manages to get in one parting-shot.
HOPE: I guess you wouldn’t be interested in playing football, either, huh?
MISS PIGGY: I beg your pardon.
HOPE: You know, kicking the ol’ pigskin around. (She winds up and punches Hope squarely in the solar plexus.)
The Muppets appeared regularly on our show throughout the eighties and in 1995, three years following the death of Jim Henson, they landed their own prime-time network series on ABC.
Tomorrow: When an unexpected death threatened to derail a Hope special
Order THE LAUGH MAKERS on line:
http://www.amazon.com/LAUGH-MAKERS-Behind-Scenes-Incredible/product-reviews/1593933231/ref=cm_cr_pr_link_2?ie=UTF8&showViewpoints=0&pageNumber=2
Also available in an unabridged audio version read by the author: http://www.audible.com/adbl/site/products/ProductDetail.jsp?BV_SessionID=@@@@0545479184.1272211432@@@@&BV_EngineID=cccjadekfdmleefcefecekjdffidfmf.0&productID=BK_BEAR_000001
FREE OFFER Would you like to write a short review of THE LAUGH MAKERS to be posted on Amazon.com? If so, you will be provided a FREE AUDIO VERSION of the book, unabridged and read by the author with musical bridges by Barry Dugan. Write to:
TheLaughmakers@GMail.com and write “Review Copy” in the subject line. You will be sent an address to access the book on MP3 or .wav files that may be downloaded to your I-Pod or computer. No time limit applies -- you may post your review at any time following completion of the book.
_______________________
FRI, SAT, SUN, July 2, 3, 4
LAFFS From the PAST (From our issue dated July 4, 2000)
Fox will produce a rap version of The Wizard of Oz with Queen Latifa as the Good Witch, Busta Rhymes as the Cowardly Lion and Little Richard as the Wizard. Snoop Dog will play Toto if they can keep him out of jail long enough.
A middle-aged man dropped his pants and pranced around the court for about a minute, delaying a doubles match at Wimbledon involving Anna Kournikova. This is the first year Marv Albert has covered Wimbledon and he probably just became overly excited.
KLM Royal Dutch Airlines is being prosecuted for grinding up 440 Chinese squirrels after they arrived at Schiphol Airport without proper import documents. Now we know the source of that "Treetop Businessman's Lunch" served in First Class.
Headed for certain constitutional challenge, legislators have posted the Ten Commandments in the Orange County Indiana courthouse under a new law allowing it. Yet another example of Separation of Indiana and Common Sense.
By a vote of 390-1, Congress passed a bill banning the slicing off of shark fins and casting the carcasses into the sea. No surprise here. Most members of Congress are lawyers.
Until next time, I leave you with the immortal words of Sigmund Freud who reportedly told a colleague, "I wouldn't promote the damn thing if my brother-in-law didn't own a couch factory."
______________________________
Excerpted From THE LAUGH MAKERS
CARDIOMAN
In 1978, Ohio was celebrating its Golden Jubilee, and the dedication of the newly-refurbished Ohio Theater in Columbus where Hope had performed in vaudeville. Produced by Bob Banner, our hour-long special would include a parade in which Hope would be the Grand Marshal, capped by a black-tie, invitation-only stage show. It had been a long day for Hope, and on the evening of the performance, about a half-hour before the taping was set to begin, he was standing in the wings with Elliott Kozak, his manager. Most of the guests had already filed into their seats, and a pianist was playing a medley of Ohio-themed songs. Hope turned to Elliott and said, "Feel my pulse." Elliott did and was alarmed by what he felt. Hope's heart was racing at about two hundred beats per minute!
As Elliott led him back to his dressing room, Hope said he felt all right and had no chest pains. Regardless of the absence of heart attack symptoms, his heart was racing abnormally, so Elliott insisted he lie down. Banner was called in from the tech truck outside the theater and after speaking with Hope, told a production assistant to go out front - and without explaining why - locate the insurance executive whose company had sponsored the charity event. Banner wanted to avoid alarming the audience with the usual announcement that was sure to do just that.
The insurance guy told the PA that a well-known cardiologist was on the guest list, but hadn't arrived yet. She got his number. Banner called him and described Hope's symptoms. The doctor told Banner to take Hope back to his hotel - just a block from the theater - where the heart specialist could examine him more thoroughly. With Hope still protesting that he felt fine, Banner and Elliott quietly slipped him out a side door. Meanwhile, the audience - and most members of Hope's staff - had no inkling of the emergency. Gig and I accompanied Hope to the hotel and went to our own rooms to stand by if needed. As Hope lay on the bed waiting for the doctor to arrive, Banner had second thoughts. Maybe they were being too cautious in their attempts to keep the episode under wraps. After all, Hope was 76. Banner dialed 911.
Within minutes, fire engines, sirens blaring, pulled up to the hotel entrance. Watching them from our balconies, Gig and I thought the unthinkable had happened. We rushed to Hope's suite where he was being examined by the cardiologist while the fire department ME's stood by in case their equipment was needed. They were soon released by the doctor, and after they left, we learned that Hope had been diagnosed with nothing more than an episode of tachycardia - an anxiety attack. The doctor had reduced his racing heart rate by applying pressure on Hope's femoral artery. He was back to normal. We all returned to the theater where some of our guest stars had kept the audience entertained during the hour-long delay they blamed on "technical difficulties." The taping proceeded without incident with Hope as emcee.
Over his wife Dolores's objection, he did a few more personal appearances in the East, but when he returned home, he had a complete cardio-checkup at Burbank's St. Joseph's Hospital. His doctors declared that he was heart
healthy, but he had to wear a device called a Holter monitor, which he wore for a week. Connected by phone to the hospital, it measured his heart activity in real time. I asked him one day how he was taking to having the electronic device strapped to his belt. "No problem," he said. "But every time I open Playboy, the phone rings."
Next week: Hope and the Muppets
Order THE LAUGH MAKERS on line:
http://www.amazon.com/LAUGH-MAKERS-Behind-Scenes-Incredible/product-reviews/1593933231/ref=cm_cr_pr_link_2?ie=UTF8&showViewpoints=0&pageNumber=2
Also available in an unabridged audio version read by the author: http://www.audible.com/adbl/site/products/ProductDetail.jsp?BV_SessionID=@@@@0545479184.1272211432@@@@&BV_EngineID=cccjadekfdmleefcefecekjdffidfmf.0&productID=BK_BEAR_000001
FREE OFFER Would you like to write a short review of THE LAUGH MAKERS to be posted on Amazon.com? If so, you will be provided a FREE AUDIO VERSION of the book, unabridged and read by the author with musical bridges by Barry Dugan. Write to:
TheLaughmakers@GMail.com and write “Review Copy” in the subject line. You will be sent an address to access the book on MP3 or .wav files that may be downloaded to your I-Pod or computer. No time limit applies -- you may post your review at any time following completion of the book.
Fox will produce a rap version of The Wizard of Oz with Queen Latifa as the Good Witch, Busta Rhymes as the Cowardly Lion and Little Richard as the Wizard. Snoop Dog will play Toto if they can keep him out of jail long enough.
A middle-aged man dropped his pants and pranced around the court for about a minute, delaying a doubles match at Wimbledon involving Anna Kournikova. This is the first year Marv Albert has covered Wimbledon and he probably just became overly excited.
KLM Royal Dutch Airlines is being prosecuted for grinding up 440 Chinese squirrels after they arrived at Schiphol Airport without proper import documents. Now we know the source of that "Treetop Businessman's Lunch" served in First Class.
Headed for certain constitutional challenge, legislators have posted the Ten Commandments in the Orange County Indiana courthouse under a new law allowing it. Yet another example of Separation of Indiana and Common Sense.
By a vote of 390-1, Congress passed a bill banning the slicing off of shark fins and casting the carcasses into the sea. No surprise here. Most members of Congress are lawyers.
Until next time, I leave you with the immortal words of Sigmund Freud who reportedly told a colleague, "I wouldn't promote the damn thing if my brother-in-law didn't own a couch factory."
______________________________
Excerpted From THE LAUGH MAKERS
CARDIOMAN
In 1978, Ohio was celebrating its Golden Jubilee, and the dedication of the newly-refurbished Ohio Theater in Columbus where Hope had performed in vaudeville. Produced by Bob Banner, our hour-long special would include a parade in which Hope would be the Grand Marshal, capped by a black-tie, invitation-only stage show. It had been a long day for Hope, and on the evening of the performance, about a half-hour before the taping was set to begin, he was standing in the wings with Elliott Kozak, his manager. Most of the guests had already filed into their seats, and a pianist was playing a medley of Ohio-themed songs. Hope turned to Elliott and said, "Feel my pulse." Elliott did and was alarmed by what he felt. Hope's heart was racing at about two hundred beats per minute!
As Elliott led him back to his dressing room, Hope said he felt all right and had no chest pains. Regardless of the absence of heart attack symptoms, his heart was racing abnormally, so Elliott insisted he lie down. Banner was called in from the tech truck outside the theater and after speaking with Hope, told a production assistant to go out front - and without explaining why - locate the insurance executive whose company had sponsored the charity event. Banner wanted to avoid alarming the audience with the usual announcement that was sure to do just that.
The insurance guy told the PA that a well-known cardiologist was on the guest list, but hadn't arrived yet. She got his number. Banner called him and described Hope's symptoms. The doctor told Banner to take Hope back to his hotel - just a block from the theater - where the heart specialist could examine him more thoroughly. With Hope still protesting that he felt fine, Banner and Elliott quietly slipped him out a side door. Meanwhile, the audience - and most members of Hope's staff - had no inkling of the emergency. Gig and I accompanied Hope to the hotel and went to our own rooms to stand by if needed. As Hope lay on the bed waiting for the doctor to arrive, Banner had second thoughts. Maybe they were being too cautious in their attempts to keep the episode under wraps. After all, Hope was 76. Banner dialed 911.
Within minutes, fire engines, sirens blaring, pulled up to the hotel entrance. Watching them from our balconies, Gig and I thought the unthinkable had happened. We rushed to Hope's suite where he was being examined by the cardiologist while the fire department ME's stood by in case their equipment was needed. They were soon released by the doctor, and after they left, we learned that Hope had been diagnosed with nothing more than an episode of tachycardia - an anxiety attack. The doctor had reduced his racing heart rate by applying pressure on Hope's femoral artery. He was back to normal. We all returned to the theater where some of our guest stars had kept the audience entertained during the hour-long delay they blamed on "technical difficulties." The taping proceeded without incident with Hope as emcee.
Over his wife Dolores's objection, he did a few more personal appearances in the East, but when he returned home, he had a complete cardio-checkup at Burbank's St. Joseph's Hospital. His doctors declared that he was heart
healthy, but he had to wear a device called a Holter monitor, which he wore for a week. Connected by phone to the hospital, it measured his heart activity in real time. I asked him one day how he was taking to having the electronic device strapped to his belt. "No problem," he said. "But every time I open Playboy, the phone rings."
Next week: Hope and the Muppets
Order THE LAUGH MAKERS on line:
http://www.amazon.com/LAUGH-MAKERS-Behind-Scenes-Incredible/product-reviews/1593933231/ref=cm_cr_pr_link_2?ie=UTF8&showViewpoints=0&pageNumber=2
Also available in an unabridged audio version read by the author: http://www.audible.com/adbl/site/products/ProductDetail.jsp?BV_SessionID=@@@@0545479184.1272211432@@@@&BV_EngineID=cccjadekfdmleefcefecekjdffidfmf.0&productID=BK_BEAR_000001
FREE OFFER Would you like to write a short review of THE LAUGH MAKERS to be posted on Amazon.com? If so, you will be provided a FREE AUDIO VERSION of the book, unabridged and read by the author with musical bridges by Barry Dugan. Write to:
TheLaughmakers@GMail.com and write “Review Copy” in the subject line. You will be sent an address to access the book on MP3 or .wav files that may be downloaded to your I-Pod or computer. No time limit applies -- you may post your review at any time following completion of the book.
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THE LAUGH MAKERS: A Leonard Maltin "Top 20" Year End Pick!
DOLORES HOPE MEDLEY
DOLORES HOPE "Silver Bells" (with Bob)
BOB HOPE'S 1983 U.S. COLLEGE CAMPUS TOUR: Your Alma Mater Here?
"Having spent twenty years writing for the indefatigable Bob Hope, and traveling all over the world, Bob Mills is well qualified to salute the famous corps of gag men who kept the comedian knee-deep in jokes. These first-hand recollections summon up the final phase of Hope’s career—and the end of the trail for an entire brand of show business."
http://www.leonardmaltin.com/2009YearEndBookSurvey.htm
http://www.leonardmaltin.com/2009YearEndBookSurvey.htm
Even Animals Love "THE YouTube WORLDWIDE NEWS"!
THE LAUGH MAKERS is now on KINDLE! (And Kindle equipped devices)
Download THE LAUGH MAKERS to your Kindle within one minute (for $2.99) by clicking on this link:
http://www.amazon.com/dp/B0041D9EPO
And if you're not yet a Kindle owner, when you purchase your new lower-priced Kindle with a capacity of 3500 books, be sure to sign up for our daily blog so you won't miss one issue of the web's most entertaining and insightful comments on the day's events... or a single serialized installment of THE LAUGH MAKERS. Order your Kindle today!
WakiLeaks: History Declassified 2000 (Vol. One) is now available on Kindle for $2.99
Compiled from Bob's newsletter "Funnyside Up" published in 2000. This is a yuck and chuckle-filled stroll down memory lane to a time before the Bush administration had inflicted its damage -- a time before the search for WMDs and Osama bin Laden. See what we were laughing at back then, who was in the news and who had yet to enter rehab -- which NFL stars had yet to do time in the Gray Bar Hotel.
http://www.amazon.com/dp/B004IZLXIQ
http://www.amazon.com/dp/B0041D9EPO
And if you're not yet a Kindle owner, when you purchase your new lower-priced Kindle with a capacity of 3500 books, be sure to sign up for our daily blog so you won't miss one issue of the web's most entertaining and insightful comments on the day's events... or a single serialized installment of THE LAUGH MAKERS. Order your Kindle today!
WakiLeaks: History Declassified 2000 (Vol. One) is now available on Kindle for $2.99
Compiled from Bob's newsletter "Funnyside Up" published in 2000. This is a yuck and chuckle-filled stroll down memory lane to a time before the Bush administration had inflicted its damage -- a time before the search for WMDs and Osama bin Laden. See what we were laughing at back then, who was in the news and who had yet to enter rehab -- which NFL stars had yet to do time in the Gray Bar Hotel.
http://www.amazon.com/dp/B004IZLXIQ