Monday 11/12/07

CODE OF CONDUCT... While searching the home of mob “boss-of-bosses” Salvatore Lo Piccolo, Italian police discovered a document containing the “Ten Commandments of the Mafia.” While it's being held for evidence, we've obtained an advance copy:

1] Thou shalt kill.

2] Thou shalt not worship false gods with the exception of Francis Ford Coppola.

3] Honor thy father and thy mother and thy father's mistress.

4] Takest the name either “Vinnie” or “Nunzio.”

5] Speakest thou like Marlon Brando in the Godfather.

6] Stuffeth not more than three bodies into the trunk of thy Cadillac.

7] Never whacketh anyone named “Bob.”

8] Sit with thy back to the wall while dining in public.

9] Never misseth a rerun of “The Sopranos.”

10] Forgetith not that the Pope calls the shots.

DINNER MUSIC... An Italian author and art buff claims he has discovered a musical staff on the surface Leonardo Da Vinci's “The Last Supper” with objects on the table representing the notes of a song. Sacred musicologists are at odds over whether the notes comprise “Hey Jude” or the theme from “Jesus Christ Superstar.”

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LOURDES II... Religious pilgrims are flocking to an Agua Dulce, CA sycamore tree, in the bark of which they claim to be able to see the Blessed Virgin Mary. Pending official licensing from the Vatican, cures are limited to non-chronic diseases.

“I cut the taxes on everybody. I didn't cut them. The Congress cut them. I asked them to cut them”

George W. Bush 8/05/04 Washington DC

[] For hundreds of authentic idiotic quotes like this, check out “The George W. Bush Out of Office Countdown Handbook,” available at:

www.sourcebooks.com

CHEER CHEER FOR... DNA tests conducted on the body of George “Gipper” Gipp prove that he didn't, as alleged, father a child shortly before he died. Which essentially means that college football handicappers will have to look elsewhere to determine why God has put a hex on Notre Dame.

I'M SORRY... The highest ticket price in the NBA is the Lakers $89.24. Which isn't too bad when you consider that $27.60 of it goes to the “Diamond Ring for Kobe's Wife” fund.

AM I BLUE?... Former Yankee skipper Joe Torre appears to have been welcomed with open arms by LA Dodger fans, management and players alike. He's even been granted an audience with Tommy Lasorda.

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CRIPS & BLOODS... A new street gang called “Squad Up!” has taken root in Las Vegas. They're currently engaged in a violent power struggle with the strip's established gangs, the “Elvis Impersonators” and the “Jerry Vales.”

HICKSBURG.... Toyota has apologized to the city of Fresno for a TV commercial that referred to it as “a low budget tourist stop.” They've instructed their ad agency to re-shoot the spot using Bakersfield.

RING-A-DING-DING... Dennis Kusinich's wife admitted to an interviewer that she has a tongue ring. Which was installed over the vehement objections of Dennis' urologist.

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Friday 11/09/07

CLUB SANDBOX... The Product Safety Commission ordered the recall of 4.2 million Chinese-made toys containing beads that, when swallowed, turn into a date rape drug. Authorities discovered the problem after noticing a Minneapolis preschool had a mosh pit.

SMACK ATTACKS... In response to a rash of child abuse suits involving nannies, “nannywatch” sites are popping up all over the internet, including reportmynanny.com which collects abuse sightings from witnesses. Here are some red flags to watch for when hiring a child care professional:

1] Attributes her bruised knuckles to former job as plumber

2] Under “special skills” lists “exorcisms”

3] Lists Britney Spears as a reference

4] Is bonded by Witches of Omaha

5] Has advanced degree from Joan Crawford University

PULL UP! PULL UP!... The NTSB now admits that near miss runway collisions are under-reported and pilot fatigue is more rampant than ever. In a related story, United and Delta recently came close to merging---literally.

“Listen, I want to thank the leaders of the---in the faith---faith based and community based community for being here.”

George W. Bush 9/6/05 Washington DC

WILL YOU STILL LOVE ME?... Paul McCartney is reported to be seriously involved with Nancy Shevell, a board member at New York's MTA. But wedding bells won't chime at least until next March when Paul's lawyers estimate they'll complete his prenup.

CARDBOARD FOXHOLES... A new study released by the Census Bureau found that one in four victims of homelessness are military veterans. “The Few... The Proud... The Swept Under the Rug.”

IN JEEZUZ NAME... Fire & brimstoner Pat Robertson has officially endorsed Rudy Giuliani. And warns that God will “call him home” if Rudy doesn't win.

This is a SMOKE FREE blog. Thank you for not smoking while reading it.

LITTLE BIT COUNTRY... Over 100 Osmond-related family members appeared on Oprah to remember George Osmond, their musical patriarch, who passed away last weekend. Mitt Romney was one of them but didn't campaign.

BERNIE THE DIP... Bernard Kerik, New York Police Commissioner under Rudy Giuliani and disgraced nominee for Homeland Security chief, has been indicted on charges of corruption and tax evasion. Well, there goes Rudy's mob support.

SIN SUMMIT... A conference of Catholic bishops is meeting in Baltimore to decide whether to order the faithful to reject politicians whose views are at odds with the Vatican's on abortion, euthanasia and gay marriage. Apparently, the candidates get a freebie on pedophilia.

"I think war is a dangerous place.”

George W. Bush 5/7/03 Washington DC

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Wednesday 11/07/07

THANKS, BUT... Bush offers to share American intelligence with Turkey to help them track the PKK rebels “using modern technology.” Pardon me, but isn't that a little like Giuliani offering to share his marriage tips?

FAMILY TIES... For the first time in the history of the Gallup Poll, 50% of Americans say they “strongly disapprove” of their president, displacing the 48% Nixon got during his impeachment hearings. But on a brighter note for George and Laura, 72% said they think the twins are less obnoxious than the Nixon girls, Trish and Julie.

HANDS DOWN... Seems nobody likes Bush. Even his urologist is outsourcing his digital prostate exams.

“And so, in my State of the---my State of the Union---or State---my speech to the nation, whatever you want to call it, speech to the nation---I asked Americans to give 4,000 years---4,000 hours over the next---the rest of your life---of service to America. That's what I asked---4,000 hours.”

George W. Bush 4/3/01 Bridgeport, CT

ALOHA OI VEY... Despite vigorous opposition from animal rights groups, a court in Hawaii lifted an injunction against the 349 foot “Super Ferry” that will sail between Oahu, Maui and Konai, crossing through the Humpback Whale Natural Marine Sanctuary. Ferry owners were willing to compromise, though. They replaced the engines with 250 Samoans with oars.

AND THEY'RE OFF!... A federal judge in Lexington, KY struck down an exemption from a smoking ban granted to owners of Churchill Downs Raceway. Bad news for health care groups who were planning to burn several tobacco company executives in effigy during the Kentucky Derby.

SIDE BY SIDE... Thomas Dawes, the jingle writer who came up with Alka-Seltzer's “Plop-Plop, Fizz, Fizz” commercial, has passed away in New York. Following a brief memorial service in the lobby of Bristol-Meyers' corporate headquarters in Indianapolis, he was laid to rest in a grave next to that guy who couldn't believe he ate the whole thing.

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PLAY BALL!... Four star players from Beijing's China League have been signed by major league ball clubs. And they're hard workers. A half hour after a game, they want to play another one.

GOING, GOING... GONE?... Major League team owners have voted to explore the possibility of using instant replay to aid umpires after close calls. A proposal to place Barry Bonds under 24-7 surveillance was rejected.

HOG HEAVEN... Rosie O'Donnell is in negotiations to host an afternoon talk show on MSNBC. Actually, more of a game show format. It'll be called “Are You Smarter Than Elizabeth Hasselhoff?”

“If a person doesn't have the capacity that we all want that person to have, I suspect hope is in the far distant future, if at all.”

George W. Bush 5/22/01 Washington, DC

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PAPAL NUNZIOS... Longtime fugitive, Mafia “boss-of-bosses” Salvatore Lo Piccolo was arrested in Sicily during a police raid on a summit meeting of local dons. Their cover almost worked. They dressed up as cardinals and told the cops they were in town to canonize Mother Teresa.

HOG HEAVEN... National Safety Council figures show that 81% of all motorcycle collisions result in death or injury of the cyclist. Instructors at the Harley Institute of Safe Biking in Duluth routinely instruct neophytes that the only air bag they can rely on is a fat girlfriend.

YEAH, YEAH, YEAH... Rocker Meatloaf was recalled from his European tour after traces of e. Coli were found in his dressing room.

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Monday 11/05/07

SCRIBES SCRAMBLE... Expected to last for months, the Writers Guild of America has launched its first strike since 1988, shutting down TV and film production and forcing producers to rely on reruns. All is not repetition, though. Here are a few last-minute replacements:
1] Everybody Wonders Why Raymond Isn't Saying Anything Funny
2] Murder, She Didn't Write
3] Are You Smarter Than a Fifth Grade Writer?
4] Dancing With the Scabs
5] Jordan Crossing the Picket Line

SWEEPS... Al-Qaeda leader Al-Zawahri has released a 28 minute video entitled “Unity of the Ranks” condemning Kaddafi and his “masters, the Western Crusaders.” Actually, it was rushed into release to avoid the writers' strike.

ROLE MODEL... Pakistan's president Musharraf has suspended the country's constitution, replaced Supreme Court justices and shut down TV and radio stations to stamp out dissent. For God’s sake, don’t let Bush hear about this.
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“Anyway, I’m so thankful and so gracious---I’m gracious that my brother Jeb is concerned about the hemisphere as well.”

George W. Bush 6/4/01 Miami, FL
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[] For hundreds of authentic idiotic quotes like this, check out “The George W. Bush Out of Office Countdown Handbook,” available at:
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JUGGLER… Fred Thompson’s campaign co-chairman Phil Martin resigned after being exposed as a convicted marijuana and cocaine dealer as well as a bookmaker. Fred has always valued staffers who can multi-task.

NO CLARENCE THOMAS… Despite his continuing unhappiness with Mukasey’s refusal to define water boarding as torture, Arlen Specter will nonetheless vote yes on his nomination because “he’s really learned the law.” Well, that certainly evens things up.

MUMMIFIED… Archeologists in Luxor, Egypt have transferred King Tut into a glass showcase for public viewing. Said their Antiquities Chief: “The face of the Golden Boy is amazing. It has magic and it has mystery.” He was talking about Michael Jackson’s but thinks Tut’s is nice, too.
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PARAPHELEGICS FOR JESUS… Donald Wildman, head of the American Family Association, is appealing to the Pentagon to enforce the congressional ban on pornography sold on military bases which he claims should include Playboy, Nude and Penthouse magazines. As Don sees it, soldiers shouldn’t be allowed to look at bare skin unless it’s riddled with bullets or shrapnel.

DUTY CALLS… Rice’s memo ordering all US diplomats to volunteer for duty in Afghanistan and Iraq is causing many to resign from the Foreign Service. Despite her offer to cut deployments in half for anyone who agrees to sleep with her.

SNACKSIDE… As part of their “Go Green” energy conservation campaign, NBC cut the studio lights during halftime on Sunday Night Football. To show his support, John Madden even turned off the French fryer he keeps beside him in the booth.
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TABLOID CASUALTY… Telling an interviewer she was disgusted by press coverage of Anna Nicole’s death, Maria Shriver quit her occasional job as a reporter for NBC. Which leaves only one experienced, battle-tested network female news analyst---Katie Couric.

PUMP IT UP… In a related story, NBC has confirmed that Jay Leno will be replaced in 2009 by Conan O’Brien. Not to be confused with “Conan the Barbarian II” which begins filming in 2009 with Arnold Schwarzenegger.

JOLLY GREEN GIANT… A huge patch of garbage from sewer runoff and cruise ship dumping is floating in the Pacific 1000 miles north of Hawaii. Coast Guard spotters report that it’s shaped like Texas and smells like New Jersey.
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Friday 11/02/07

ECO-FRIENDLY… Karen Hughes, Bush’s longtime press hack and “public diplomat” charged with improving the US image abroad, quit leaving 26 of 33 countries surveyed with a less favorable view of America than when she began. In all fairness though, she was instrumental in helping Third World nations develop cleaner-burning Bush and Cheney effigies.

ROBED CRUSADER… The Supreme Court halted the execution of Mississippi condemned killer Wesley Berry while they determine if lethal injection is cruel and unusual punishment. Scalia rushed into the parking lot, grabbed a baseball bat from his trunk and offered to do the job himself.

WARM SEAT… The Monroe State Prison near Seattle has gone green with a $35.5 renovation project that will cut energy consumption by 30%. One small problem, though. The solar powered electric chair takes an hour to work even when guards douse the victim with water.
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“Free societies are hopeful societies. And free societies will be allies against these hateful few who have no conscience, who kill at the whim of a hat.”

George W. Bush 9/17/04 Washington DC
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RE-MAXED… The chancellor of the Catholic Diocese of Albany told the faithful who are selling their homes that burying a statue in the backyard speeds up the process. Even better is planting a sign on the front lawn with the silhouette of a pedophile priest inside a circle with a line running through it.

LDS HOLE… Mitt Romney has referred to Barack Obama as “Barack Osama.” Mitt’s Talent at pronouncing names stops pretty much at Joseph Smith.

SPEECHLESS… TV and screen writers have voted to strike---late night talk shows are predicted to suffer first. A new feature on Letterman is the Top Ten Ad Lib List.
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FAULT!… Net diva Martina Hingis tearfully retires after denying that she used cocaine while competing at Wimbledon. The evidence, however, suggests otherwise. Why, Martina, were you able to deliver a letter-perfect impression of Whitney Houston at the post-tournament party?

UNDER GLASS… A high school football coach in Utah has been charged with animal cruelty for stomping on a pheasant that had been released on the field during halftime. He’ll be tried under the state’s new “Dick Cheney Law.”

SAFE AT HOME… At a ceremony on the White House lawn, Bush welcomed the Robbins, Georgia Little League World Series champs. Who thanked him for enforcing the embargo against Cuba.
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“The enemy understands a free Iraq will be a major defeat in their ideology of hatred. That’s why they’re fighting so vociferously.”

George W. Bush 9/30/04 Coral Gables, FL
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Wednesday 10/31/07

SOPRANOS II... Petreaus recently described a "Mafia-like presence" in Iraq. Ah, at last---an enemy we can fashion an HBO series around.

SCUTTLEBUTT... A Navy commander is charged with videotaping Annapolis midshipmen having sex in his den. Police confiscated a rough cut of "Debbie Does the Admiral."

BIBLE BABBLE... According to a University of Chicago poll, only 24% of Americans have faith in organized religion. Two percentage points below organized baseball and ten below organized crime.
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"I'm confident we can work with Congress to come up with an economic stimulus package that will send a clear signal to the risk takers and capital formators of our country."

George W. Bush 9/17/01 Washington, DC
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OBSERVE IF YOU WILL... A federal grand jury in Las Vegas will soon hand down an indictment charging David Copperfield with sexual harassment. It's slow going, though. Jury members keep disappearing---and reappearing as bunnies.

DARE TO DREAM... Stanley O'Niel, the first black CEO at Merrill-Lynch, was ousted for poor performance on the job but nonetheless was awarded a $200 million severance package. Think there could be enough money to get rid of Clarence Thomas?

INJECTION COUNTER... O'Hare, LAX, JFK and Boston Logan are among airports now offering passengers flu shots during layovers. Great news. Can food poisoning shots be far behind?
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[] Catch Bob's weekly on-line radio show "INSIDE TELEVISION" for the latest articles, celebrity profiles and interviews Thursday mornings from 8:20 to 9:00 am. PDT. LARRS, the all-volunteer, commercial free, non-profit Los Angeles Radio Reading Service is 24-hour Newsradio for the Blind, an affiliate of Minnesota's Radio Talking Book Network. Check it out. We welcome your support.

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___________________________________________________________

FORGIVE & FORGET... The State Department is mum on reports that those trigger-happy Blackwater mercenaries were given immunity from prosecution for killing 17 Iraqi civilians. According to a White House insider, Bush was granting himself, Cheney, Rice and Rumsfeld immunity and thought "Oh, what the hell?" and penciled them in.

DEEP THRONE... Two men have been arrested in London for attempting to extort $100,000 from a member of the royal family over a sex video. Details are sketchy, but unconfirmed reports say Scotland Yard is focusing on Camilla Parker Bowles and a mule from Yorkshire.

MOM TOME... Britney Spears' mother is reportedly writing a book on parenting. A how not to book.
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Monday 10/29/07

CROSSING THE LINE… The Senate Judiciary Committee is threatening to block Mukasey’s confirmation as attorney general unless he agrees to define water boarding as torture---which, he has insisted so far, only includes being strapped naked to Ann Coulter.

DUCK!… Cheney spent the weekend in New York stalking ducks with fellow nimrods at the Hudson River Valley Hunt Club. Which, rumor has it, releases birds who are trained to welcome their members as “liberators.”

WHEN YOU’RE SMILING… Maj. Gen. Rick Lynch, commander of the 3rd Infantry Division, says of the insurgents in Kabala: “There are indeed inter-Shia rivalries where different groups are trying to be in charge and sometimes revert to violence---but not at the magnitude that’s got me concerned.” Maybe you remember Rick from his old job at Mad Magazine?
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“I want to thank the astronauts who are with us, the courageous spatial entrepreneurs who set such a wonderful example for the young of our country.”

George W. Bush 1/14/04 Washington DC
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[] For hundreds of authentic idiotic quotes like this, check out “The George W. Bush Out of Office Countdown Handbook,” available at:
www.sourcebooks.com
_____________________________________

PUTTIN’ ON THE RITZ… Larry Craig claims in his appeal that men’s room “foot tapping” among consenting adults is free speech. Called by prosecutors the “Fred Astaire Defense,” it hasn’t worked yet, but I’m for anything that keeps the Craigster in the news as long as possible.

STAG PARTY… Leonardo Da Vinci’s “The Last Supper” is now viewable online in crystal clear, 16 billion pixels at:
www.haltadefinizione.com
Among the tiny details heretofore unnoticed:
1] Everyone is wearing Birkenstocks
2] Thirty pieces of silver is actually 29 pieces and a crumpled gum wrapper
3] Stains on Peter’s tunic show he ordered a medium loaves and fishes pizza with anchovies
4] Naked Mary Magdalene hiding in cake
5] Jesus has a tattoo that says “Born to Raise the Dead”
6] Logo on napkins says “Olive Garden”
7] Wine ordered was a mediocre vintage 23 cabernet.
8] Mark and Luke appear to be playing footsy under the table
9] Tip at bottom of bill reads: “Buy IBM”
10] Sign on wall reads: “So Shirt, No Shoes, No Salvation”
______________________________________
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WORD WONKS WALK… Chances are almost certain that Hollywood script writers will vote to strike this week. If they’re true to form, picketing will most likely be delayed while they engage in extensive rewrites of what will appear on their signs.

SEAT MATES… Bamboo International has recalled one million “Baby Sitter” infant carriers after reports of several injuries. All but eclipsing last week’s recall of 200,000 Britney Spears “’Lil Driver” car seats which reportedly flings the kid into the mother’s lap at the first sign of a process server.
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Friday 10/26/07

PERRIER HYDRANTS… The Malibu fires threatened but didn’t burn the homes of Kelsey Grammer, Jane Seymour, Mel Gibson and Olivia Newton-John. Thanks in no small part to the private jet chemical drops and the 200 threads per inch, Madras canvass hoses manned by private “Blaze Managers.”

MOMMA MIA… Support is building in Congress to erect a monument to military families who’ve lost loved ones. Front runner so far is a marble statue of moms toppling a statue of Saddam Hussein kicking a bronze bust of Rumsfeld.

NICKEL DEFENSE… Bush has moved forward with a plan to implement a missile defense shield with radar in the Czech Republic and missiles in Poland. It’s an overpriced, hare brained scheme Reagan came up with that works about as well as trickle down economics.

SLIPPING FAST… Bush says the people of Cuba are witnessing “the dying gasps of a failed regime.” You know, like those “final throes” Cheney said al Qaeda was in.
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“We ought to make the pie higher.”
George W. Bush 2/15/00 South Carolina Debate
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EYEBALL WITNESS… Two of OJ’s co-defendants had their charges reduced in exchange for their agreement to testify against him. It’s even an even sweeter deal than the DA had hoped. One of them will swear he saw OJ kill Nicole.

BODILY FLUIDS… Ellen DeGeneres says “There is nothing wrong with having feelings. I think more people should cry.” People like, say, Ann Heche.

HALFWAY TO THE STARS… Vincent De Domenico, the inventor of Rice-A-Roni, died at age 92. In his memory, San Francisco’s cable cars tolled their bells 21 times.

QUO VADIS… Sales of religious paperback books have increased 24% over the past five years. Even though research shows most people prefer to wait for the movie.
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FORE!… Mattel has introduced “Barbie Golf Clubs” for 4-6 year olds to promote physical activity. The $39.99 set comes with a bag, a “Ken the Caddy” smock, tees, and a scorecard.

VANISHED… The Terror Watch List now has 755,000 names on it. Bin Laden is supposed to be on it, but his name keeps mysteriously disappearing.

DEBT RELIEF… The Congressional Budget Office estimates the cost of the wars in Afghanistan and Iraq will top $2.41 trillion. A hell of a debt to leave the Chinese, but let them figure out how to pay it off.

BOARDING PASS… The Department of Transportation may levy fines on air carriers who arrive 15 minutes late more that 70% of the time. In other words, Delta’s regular on-time schedule.
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“And one of the things we’ve got to make sure that we do is anything.”
George W. Bush 5/7/02 Washington, DC
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7-10 SPLIT… Bowling has surpassed ice hockey as the fastest growing high school sport. Remember when you had to sign up for interior decorating or the Drama Club to get a silk shirt with your name embroidered over the pocket?

SINGAPORE SLING… Singapore’s Parliament has voted to renew the ban on sex between men. May not mean much to you, but it tosses a wrench in Larry Craig’s Christmas vacation plans.

SLICE O’ LIFE… Donna Mills and Joan Van Ark of “Knots Landing” fame have signed to appear in an upcoming episode of “Nip/Tuck” as aging divorcees in need of cosmetic surgery. Any leftover skin will be used to patch up Larry Hagman.

GOOD EVENING… Brian Williams will become the first news anchor to host “Saturday Night Live.” Not to be outdone, Katie Couric will appear as a contestant on “Dancing With the Stars.”
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PURSE-A-FLAGE… From Bags To Riches.com is renting designer handbags from Louis Vuitton, Chanel, Fendi, Prada, Gucci, Burberry, Bottega Veneta, Balenciaga, Chloe, Christian Dior and Yves Saint Laurent for $299 per month. And if you can’t afford the mandatory theft insurance, each bag comes with an identical Chinese knockoff.

NUMBERS GAME…. Stanford post-doctoral chemistry student Thomas Snyder won the Philadelphia Inquirer’s first National Sudoku Championship---despite showing up late. He kept pressing the wrong elevator button.

OINK!… A report in the Journal Circulation estimates that 40% of men and 30% of women worldwide are overweight. And most of them are married to each other.

DEAD POETS SOCIETY… Dead at age 33 of a heart attack is hip hop king Big Moe, whose hit album “Purple World” celebrated the unique high of hip hop’s drug of choice, codeine-laced cough syrup. Gee, the world just won’t be the same without him.
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COMMENTS? SUGGESTIONS? RIGHT WING REBUTTALS? Send ‘em all to:
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DIDDY DILLY… Sean “Diddy” Combs has signed a $100 million deal to develop the Ciroc Vodka brand. To replace that codeine-laced cough syrup no doubt.

ET TU MITT?… Larry Craig says his former friend Mitt Romney “not only threw me under his campaign bus, he backed up and ran over me again.” I know what you’re thinking. He actually considers a fellow hack politician a friend?

BLACKENED H2O… Last year, says the Government Accounting Office, the US spent $5 billion for private contractor security. A record unless you count the Beatles’ rent-a-cops in Yankee Stadium in ‘65.

POPULAR DEMAND… For only the second time in their film careers, Robert DeNiro and Al Pacino will share the big screen in the upcoming “Righteous Kill.” According to our on-set insiders, they’re taking turns chewing the scenery.

BANK ON THAT… After posting a 32% pofit drop last quarter, the Bank of America is cutting 3000 jobs. Mainly non-essential hold-up note translators and rejected loan grief counselors.
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“The Bob Jones policy on interracial dating… I spoke out against that. I spoke out against interracial dating. I support the policy of interracial dating.”
George W. Bush 2/28/00 Newsweek
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Wednesday 10/24/07

THANKS, BUT… Bush called California’s Governor Schwarzenegger and offered to send FEMA to aid the 500,000 evacuees of the state’s wildfires. Luckily, Arnold was able to talk him out of it. But Bush assured him that he’s ordered the Army Corps of Engineers to check Malibu’s levees and FEMA to air drop life preservers to the survivors.

PHOTO OP… Shortly thereafter, Bush announced that he’ll personally tour the fire-devastated areas on Thursday. He’s really empathetic. He’s already ordered the “Mission Accomplished” sign and asked the Secret Service to find a surfboard for him to hold.

RAMBO PAMBY… Rice has issued new ground rules governing those trigger happy Blackwater mercenaries who’ve been ordered to show more “cultural sensitivity.”
Which in laymen’s terms means that from now on they have to allow the Iraqi civilians to face Mecca while they’re being shot.
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“And the other lesson is that there are people who can’t stand what America stands for, the desire to conflict great harm on the American people.”

George W. Bush 8/1/03 Pittsburgh, PENN
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MOON RIVER… The GOP presidential hopefuls are embroiled in a debate over which of them is the “most conservative.” If no agreement is reached, they may have to resort to what Republicans have always dreaded---they may have to drop trow and compete in a winner-take-all “pucker off.”

SAWBONES… The FBI conducted a raid on David Copperfield’s prop warehouse in Las Vegas in a search for evidence of sexual abuse an assistant claims recently took place in the Bahamas. Agents refused to identify which half he abused.

MUMBO JUMBALIA… A conference of top-ranking Christian, Jewish and Muslim religious leaders met in Los Angeles to discuss “problematic passages” in Jewish scripture, the New Testament and the Koran. In attempting to unravel the myths, legends, fantasies and fairy tales, they’ve agreed on only one sacred truth: that the fallen angel Lucifer has returned to earth in the body of Ann Coulter.

BUFFET BUFFS… The cruise industry has reported a threefold increase in passengers since 1988. Not in numbers---in pounds.

HEAVY DUTY… Former House Speaker Dennis Hastert has announced that he’ll not seek reelection. According to an aide, he feels he should spend more time with his family---and his diet.
_____________________________________
[] Catch Bob's weekly on-line radio show "INSIDE TELEVISION" streamed live Thursday mornings from 8:20 to 9:00 am. PDT. The Los Angeles Radio Reading Service is an all-volunteer, commercial free, non-profit 24-hour Newsradio for the Blind. Check it out. We welcome your support.

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password: independence
_____________________________________

BOOK ‘EM, DANO… Bush says he’ll oppose a bill being considered in the House that would grant federal recognition of native Hawaiians. He did offer a comprimise, though. He’d be willing to grant a posthumous Medal of Freedom to Jack Lord.

CHATTERBOX CAFÉ… Prairie Home Companion’s Garrison Keillor went to court to stop a woman’s obscene e-mails and harassing phone calls. He declined police intervention, however, preferring instead to rely on his private investigator, Guy Noir.

BLAST OFF!… The space shuttle Discovery is now 24 years old and showing signs of age that half of NASA’s scientists say are sufficient reason to ground it. Among the problems:
1] Tang dispenser is constantly clogged.
2] Not enough storage space for today’s fluffier, more absorbant Huggies.
3] Doors on pilot’s liquor cabinet stick.

THREEFER… Maria Schriver is hosting a first-ever meeting of the the presidential candidates‘ spouses. Mrs. Giuliani declined to attend, but luckily, Rudy has two backups.

HEAD SHOTS… Employees of New Jersey’s Palisades Medical Center were suspended for releasing George Clooney’s medical records. They would have gotten away with it but they went too far and tried to forge his autograph on the x-rays.

Monday 10/22/07

FEATHERS… Bush dropped in at Maryland’s Patuxent Research Refuge to promote “stopover habitats” for 800 bird species and declared that the owl perched on his gloved finger was “… a cute little fellow.” Then Cheney shot it.

MOBY DICK… GOP presidential candidate Sam Brownback yanked his hat out of the ring after a poll found that 83% of the Republicans questioned identified “Brownback” as a species of whale.

STUNG… Harry Potter author J. K. Rowling shocked her fans by announcing that Hogwarts Headmaster Albus Dumbledore is gay. And if that weren‘t shocking enough, he’s living with the school’s Faculty Men’s Room attendant, Larrididdle Craigadoodle.
______________________________________
“Those who enter the country illegally violate the law.”

George W. Bush 11/20/05
______________________________________

SENIOR SCIENCE PROJECT… A Van Nuys, CA female home school teacher has been charged with oral copulation of one of her 14-year old male students. A team of top plastic surgeons has been flown in to attempt an emergency reversal of the lad’s permanent smile.

COLOR TV, PHONES… The world’s largest hotel is Malaysia’s First World which includes an indoor theme park, a shopping mall, 6118 rooms serviced by 32 desk clerks---and three ice machines, none where you can find them.

TASTE TEST… In Pennsylvania, police were called after two soft drink delivery men got into a fistfight in the parking lot of a mini mart. Seems the Coca-Cola delivery man attempted to teach the Pepsi delivery man how to sing in perfect harmony and …
______________________________________
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WHAT, ME WORRY?… The National Hockey League is testing a new thermal ice skate blade that’s kept warm by a battery. It also has a tiny compartment that stores dislodged teeth at body temperature until the player can seek medical attention.

X’s & O’s… The offensive line coach for the Baylor University football team was fired after being arrested for urinating on the bar at Scruffy Murphy’s in Waco. Before bystanders could intervene, he somehow managed to diagram several secret plays.

HOLY MOLY… Attempting to regain voters turned off by his stand on abortion, Giuliani told the Conservative Family Research Council that “I am an imperfect man who asks for guidance through prayer.” In response, Jesus often calls him on his cell phone during speeches.
_____________________________________
“I hope we get to the bottom of the answer.”

George W. Bush 4/26/00 Associated Press
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Friday 10/19/07

MUSHROOM CLOUD… Bush tells Congress: “Stop Iran from getting nukes if you’re interested in stopping World War III.” Which sounded pretty ballsy until an aide later admitted that he had just warned the Dalai Lama that he’d invade Tibet if Jenna’s book didn’t make the New York Times Best Sellers’ List.

SILVER LINING… Bush’s approval rating has hit an all-time low: 24%. On a brighter note for the Skipper, he’s still two percentage points ahead of Chester the Molester.

PATHETIC GENETICS… Bush rejects a suggestion by some that Congress has made him “irrelevant.” He’s right. Why blame Congress for the handiwork of Barb and Bush the Elder?
______________________________________
“That’s just the nature of democracy. Sometimes pure politics enters into the rhetoric.”

George W. Bush 8/8/03 Crawford, TX
______________________________________

DOGGIE DOOR… Ellen DeGeneres broke into tears on her show after a dog she’d adopted was taken back by a rescue group called “Mutts And Moms.” Sad part is, she didn’t even want the dog. She thought she was dealing with “Foreign Orphans and Angelina Jolie.”

GROUNDED… Home sales in Southern California have plummeted 50% from the same time last year. Even ReMax is struggling. They had to sell their hot air balloon and are now using a kite.

MICKEY MAKEOVER… Deciding that it was an idea whose time had not come, Disney will spend $1.1 billion to completely redesign their “California Adventure” theme park---adding new attractions that more closely duplicate real California adventures like “The Menendez Brothers Family Vacation,” “Weekend at Phil Spector’s” and “Hugh Grant picks up a Hooker.”
______________________________________
COMMENTS? SUGGESTIONS? RIGHT WING REBUTTALS? Send ’em all to:
Jokesmith@peoplepc.com.
______________________________________

TAILGATE PARTY… A Stockton, CA high school has been banned from competing in the playoffs after evidence was uncovered that its coach had been recruiting players from American Samoa. Opposing teams became suspicious when they noticed three defensive linemen roasting a pig---under the end zone.

TEN-HUT!… The City of Chicago School District now has four high schools that are run by the military. Non-college bound students are allowed to take four years of Motor Pool.

SOCIALIZED MEDICINE… Coca-Cola has contracted with the Peoples Republic to develop a new soft drink that incorporates ancient Chinese herbal remedies. The pause that refreshes and cures your fallen arches.
______________________________________
[] BULLETIN! To catch late-breaking headlines the moment they hit the street, check this "Bereft On The Left" blog often. To insure that you don't miss a beat, it's a smart idea to add us to your "Favorites" list.

www.bereftontheleft.blogspot.com
___________________________________

CACTUS FLOWER… Mexico’s tequila industry has launched a program to warn the public that counterfeiters are selling home brew that can cause sudden dizziness, unconsciousness, blindness and even death. Like that isn’t what tequila is for?

HAT TRICKS… The Transportation Security Agency has issued new, more relaxed rules regarding searches of passengers’ head gear such as turbans, fezzes, ball caps and the like. Still subject to a full search are Brazilian women wearing suspicious fruit and Packers fans wearing cheese.

Wednesday 10/17/07

ANNIE GET YOUR GUN… The State Department is reported to be considering alternatives to Blackwater to provide security in Iraq. One idea on the table is to send Ann Coulter over there and tell her the insurgents are in need of being perfected.

STALLED AGAIN… About as welcome in the GOP as Nancy Pelosi, Larry Craig has vowed to explore all legal appeals of his sex solicitation case while continuing to serve in the Senate. Rumors are that he’ll ask the court if he can change his guilty plea to “not guilty by reason of temporary homosexuality.”

COMPASSIONATE CONSERVATISM… Congress is considering a bill that would allow judges to release terminally ill convicts to die at home. With the exception, of course, of those who are scheduled to be “terminally executed.”
______________________________________

“It is clear that our nation is reliant upon big foreign oil. More and more of our imports come from overseas.”

George W. Bush 9/18/03 Beaverton, ORE
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POCKET DONUT… At least eight states either have banned or are about to ban low slung pants favored by gang members. Despite fierce opposition from the International Brotherhood of Plumbers.

SPECIAL EFFECTS… To create more realism during fire drills, several universities are releasing theatrical smoke in the dorms. Some of the more affluent Ivy League schools reenact the chandelier scene from “Phantom of the Opera.”

FLUSHED WITH PRIDE… The Rutgers Woman’s Basketball Team was recently honored by the Women’s Sports Foundation in New York City. They were presented with a bronze toilet seat for their locker room with Don Imus’s portrait painted on it.
______________________________________

[] Catch Bob's weekly on-line radio show "INSIDE TELEVISION" for
the latest articles, celebrity profiles and interviews Thursday mornings from 8:20 to 9:00 am. PDT. LARRS, the all-volunteer, commercial free, non-profit Los Angeles Radio Reading Service is 24-hour News Radio for the Blind, an affiliate of Minnesota's Radio Talking Book Network. Check it out. We welcome your support.

www.larrs.org
password:independence
______________________________________________

JAYWALKING?… Jay Leno now says he doesn’t want to step aside for Conan O’Brian as promised. Apparently, Jay has cooled some on his lifelong dream of becoming a chin model.

TOME TODDLERS… “Mayor Peyton’s Book Club” admits Jacksonville, Florida preschoolers as young as four years old. This month’s selection: “Who Moved My Poo?”

CALL ME “MOM”… Prince William’s girlfriend Kate Middleton was photographed with Prince Charles, spurring rumors that an engagement announcement may be imminent. Even stronger evidence---she had lunch with Queen Liz and didn’t bring her food taster.

Monday 10/15/07

SWITCHEROO… Ann Coulter told an interviewer that “In an ideal America, everyone would be a Christian. Jews should be perfected through Christianity.” Ann has been into seeking perfection since his/her sex-change surgery proved so darn successful.

MARCUS WELBY… McCain tells the Des Moines Rotary Club: “The solution, my friends, isn’t a one-size-fits-all big government takeover of health care.” John’s solution, inspired mainly by boyhood memories, would involve bloodletting, leech therapy and bed rest.

P’s & Q’s… The NCAA has issued new “rules of decorum” for basketball coaches to penalize unsportsmanlike behavior. No longer allowed:
[1] Foul, demeaning or lewd language
[2] Obscene hand, arm or tongue gestures
[3] Casting doubt on opponent’s parentage
[4] Spitting
[5] Anything Bobby Knight does

____________________________________________
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RUBBER GAME… The world’s leading condom experts convened in Seogwipo, South Korea to update international standards for the 14 billion condoms produced each year. Until now, they’ve been available in only three sizes: “Small,” “Medium,” and “Wilt Chamberlain.”

MEANING OF LIFE… The Dali Lama has arrived in the US for a three-day visit. When Bush presented him with the Congressional Gold Medal, he was so appreciative, he pardoned Marion Jones.

PEANUTS & CRACKER JACK… The Freedom From Religion Foundation kicked off its 30th national convention in Madison, WIS. In lieu of an opening prayer, they recited the lyrics from “Take Me Out To The Ballgame” in front of a portrait of Madelyn Murray O’Hare.

DEUS IN ADJUTORIAM NOSTRAM… The Vatican has suspended Monsignor Tommaso Stenico after he was caught on a hidden video camera telling a group of young men that he doesn’t consider gay sex a sin. Authorities became suspicious when they noticed he employed a particularly wide stance while celebrating Mass.

_____________________________________

“I like my buddies from West Texas. I liked them when I was young, I liked them when I was middle-age, I liked them before I was president, and I like them during president, and I like them after president.”

George W. Bush 2/1/06 Nashville, TENN
_____________________________________

LIFT OFF… The annual FBI crime report shows an increase in homicides and a decrease in assaults with firearms. Another welcome trend---astronaut stalkings have fallen off dramatically.

HOLE IN THE WALL… A photograph believed taken in the early 1800’s is thought to be the first visual depiction of pornography. Though difficult to identify, those pictured appear to be Butch Cassidy, The Sundance Kid, Etta Place and an unidentified mule.

BEE-REEP… Scientists in India have developed a reusable adhesive inspired by a substance found in the toe pads of tree frogs. As if Kermit weren’t already getting enough residuals.

UNANIMOUS… Evander Holyfield, 45, seeking his fifth heavyweight crown, lost a 12-round decision to Russian Sultan Ibragimov, 32, in Moscow. The judges had it 118-110, 117-111 and 117-111. On a slightly brighter note for Evander, he won healthiest blood pressure with 70/110 and best PSA at .03.

Friday 10/12/07

WIN ONE... The body of Notre Dame football legend George Gipp, who died of pneumonia in his senior year so Knute Rockne could inspire the team, has been exhumed to extract his DNA. Which scientists hope will help determine why Ronald Reagan was such a hammy actor.

Rx INDEX… The FDA rejects one third of all names proposed for new drugs, despite pharmaceutical companies spending $200,000 to $500,000 to come up with them. The agency’s stringent rules require that they be distinctive, not easily confused with other names and easy for Rush Limbaugh to pronounce.

CHI SHAKEUP… The Chicago Police Department has disbanded its elite Drug and Gang Unit after evidence surfaced that they were involved with assaults, home invasions and kidnapping. That’s the good news. The bad news: they’ve hired Blackwater.

EMBASSILITY… The scheduled opening of the $750 million US embassy in Baghdad has been postponed indefinitely due to cost overruns and shoddy workmanship. Some other problems:

[1] The storage rooms for the asbestos American flags are too small.
[2] Pipes leading to waterboarding room leak.
[3] No gun rack in Cheney’s office.
[4] Statue of Rumsfeld on the front lawn looks like David Hasselhoff.
[5] Blackwater operatives keep shooting out the windows.
_______________________________________

"I want everybody to hear loud and clear that I'm going to be the president of everybody."

George W. Bush 1/18/2001 Washington DC
_______________________________________

TECH SUPPORT… Immunologists at Duke University have discovered that the appendix, long thought superfluous, actually serves a useful purpose by producing beneficial bacteria that can “reboot” an ailing stomach. Even better, in the event of a crash, you can "reset" by poking a finger in your navel.

ROSE TATTOOED… Human rights activists are protesting China’s entry in this year’s Rose Parade. Also, they claim it’s a knockoff of last year’s Cartier float.

ROAMING CHARGES… Gary Forsee, the CEO of Sprint, has stepped down. The Board of Directors reluctantly accepted his text message of resignation.

OLE!… Taco Bell has opened its first restaurant in Mexico featuring the American version of the taco. Called a "tacostada," it comes with a complimentary green card.

Wednesday 10/10/07

REVERSE PSYCHOLOGY… British Prime Minister Gordon Brown announced that he’ll reduce troops in Iraq by half. The problem, he says, will be backing out without being picked off by one of Bush’s trigger-happy Blackwater rent-a-cops.

BORED WALK… The mayor of Atlantic City, under indictment for fraudulently claiming service in Special Forces, is missing along with his city-issued car. Adding to the mystery, he was last seen with a Spanish speaking reporter from Telemundo.

THREE POINTER… Larry Craig will be installed in the Idaho Hall of Fame. Not to be outdone, the National Association of NFL Linemen will soon honor him with their annual “Wide Stance Award.”
_______________________________________
[] BULLETIN! To catch late-breaking headlines (OJ, anyone?) the moment they
hit the street, check the "Bereft On The Left" blog often. To insure that you don't miss a
beat, it's a smart idea to add the blog to your "Favorites" list.
www.bereftontheleft.blogspot.com
_______________________________________

NO REFUND… Marion Jones has returned her five Olympic medals. Within a half hour, OJ called and offered to steal them back.

KOSHER… Israeli officials have signaled a willingness to divide Jerusalem. Evidenced by the new “Deli” and “No Deli” Zones.

OIL OF MONET… Vandals broke into a Paris museum and defaced a painting by impressionist Claude Monet. Several suspects have already been identified from the painting, one of Monet’s lesser-known works entitled “Vandals Breaking Into a Museum.”
_______________________________________

“I think we are welcomed. But it was not a peaceful welcome.”
George W. Bush 12/12/05 Philadelphia, PA
_______________________________________

ROYALLY FLUSHED… Britney Spears says she feels like another Princess Di. Before you scoff, you have to admit that marrying a future king isn’t that different from appearing on Larry King.

DANG ME, DANG ME… That Florida federal prosecutor who was jailed after he flew to Ohio to have sex with a 5-year old hung himself in his cell with a bed sheet. Actually, it was the third sheet guards smuggled in to him. The first two broke.

DO DO THAT VOODOO… A Haitian memorial monument has been unveiled in Savannah. Visitors are encouraged to stick pins in it.
_______________________________________
Do you like to read? Your unique talent for reading aloud is needed to help blind and dyslexic students reach the academic heights! Become a member of our team of microphone magicians at Recording For the Blind & Dyslexic. Call to find out if there's a studio near you!
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(866) 732-3585
_______________________________________

PATE MATE… Experimenting on mice, a team of medical researchers at the Cleveland Clinic believe they have found a method of transplanting an entire head of hair from a cadaver. Unfortunately, only one human has undergone the costly procedure---Donald Trump.

ROUNDING THE TURN… Champion British jockey Kieran Fallon went on trial at the Old Bailey for fixing races only one day after winning the Prix de l’ Arc du Triomphe in Paris. Aboard the Cincinnati three year old, Pete Rose.

Monday 10/8/07

TIME BANDIT… The Rolex that OJ was ordered to turn over to the Goldmans turned out to be a $100 knockoff. But a good one---the Oyster Perpetual Day, Date, Alibi-adjust.

WHO’S SORRY NOW… Olympic track star Marion Jones made a tearful, heart-wrenching, court house steps apology for lying to federal agents about her steroid use. In fact, she got so carried away, she inadvertently confessed to killing Nicole Simpson, Ron Goldman and Lana Clarkson.

ZZZZZ… In Washington, Fred Thompson delivered a stultifyingly boring speech that McNeil-Lehrer’s Mark Shields described as “a cure for Sominex. About midway, someone in the crowd yelled “Do Buford Pusser!"

BODY COUNT… McCain said that as president he’d appoint Alan Greenspan to revamp the Tax Code and “… if he’s no longer alive, we’ll prop him up and put sunglasses on him like they did in ‘Weekend at Bernie’s’.” You know, kind of like what they do with Cheney’s weekend hunting victims.
_______________________________

“It’s important for us to explain to our nation that life is important. It’s not only life of babies, but it’s life of children living in, you know, the dark dungeons of the internet.”

George W. Bush 10/24/00 Arlington Heights, ILL
________________________________

HENHOUSE DEPT… To stem the carnage of Iraqi civilians, Rice sent State Department employees to oversee those trigger-happy Blackwater mercenaries. Isn’t this a little like sending Marion Jones to the Olympics as a track and field drug tester?

TAKE TWO… George Rieveschi, who in 1946 gave up art to become a chemist and soon after invented Benedryl, has died at age 91. After a fitting memorial service, he was buried in a pink casket shaped like a football.

SCENT & SCENTABILITY… California State University Northridge is considering a ban on students wearing perfume on campus. Not good news for Yves St. Laurent’s new “Essence of Frat House” cologne for men.
_______________________________________

[] Catch Bob's weekly on-line radio show "INSIDE TELEVISION" for
the latest articles, celebrity profiles and interviews Thursday mornings from 8:20
to 9:00 am. PDT. LARRS, the all-volunteer, commercial free, non-profit Los Angeles
Radio Reading Service is 24-hour Newsradio for the Blind, an affiliate of Minnesota's
Radio Talking Book Network. Check it out. We welcome your support.
www.larrs.org
password: intelligence
_______________________________________

OUR LADY OF POND SCUM… Orange County, CA bishop Tod Brown has been charged with contempt of court for sending a monsignor charged with pedophilia while serving at Mater Die High School out of the country to escape prosecution. Mater Die is Latin for “Give a douche bag a scepter and a pointy hat… “

HITCHCOCK REVISITED… Ornithologists in New Caledonia have observed crows that seem to possess the ability to use tools. Which they often put to the test by building straw-filled effigies of farmers.

ORAL DISSERTATION… Oral Roberts, Jr., president of Oral Roberts University, has been sued by school benefactors for squandering college funds on expensive clothes, cars, jewelry, cell phones, electronic equipment and vacation trips. Hello! Hey, the guy is a bible-thumping evangelist. That’s his JOB.

CHEERS!… Kevin Costner says he has lost $40 million in “green” projects including a scheme to develop a chemical-free battery. Seems after drinking his own in “Waterworld,” he mistakenly placed a lot of faith in urine.
____________________________________________

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____________________________________________

WORKING LATE TONIGHT… Guiliani frequently tells supporters that “I’m probably one of the four or five best known Americans in the world.” Best known adulterer for sure.

MIDDLE AISLE SEVEN… A couple who met and dated while training as WalMart employees, were married in the Springfield, Ohio store. They’re registered at Home Improvement, Electronics and the Garden Center.

GOING ONCE… A bidder paid $47,100 in a charity auction for a chance to appear in a movie with Will Ferrell. Even better, another bidder paid $62,700 not to.

ACHTUNG!… Human rights activists complained when the Google Earth satellite revealed that a Navy barracks in California is shaped like a swastika. Also causing concern in Washington, when viewed from above, Bush’s house, garage, barn and bunkhouse in Crawford spell out “Here Lives an Idiot.”
________________________________

“They want the federal government controlling Social Security like it’s some kind of federal program”

George W. Bush 11/2/07 St. Charles, Missouri
________________________________

Friday 10/05/07

THUMBSCREWED... Bush says "This nation doesn't torture people." Unless, of course, you count having to watch this nitwit stumble his way through two terms.

CRAIG LISTS... Larry Craig says he's decided to serve out his Senate term to "clear his name." Flush away all those innuendoes, so to speak.

NO LIBRARIAN... Five time Olympic gold medal winner Marion Jones has admitted using steroids. Would have gotten away with it, too, if she wasn't four home runs behind Barry Bonds.

CLARENCE REVISITED... Isiah Thomas was found guilty of sexual harrassment while coaching the New York Knicks. He could be forgiven if he had harrassed some opposing teams.

PIN NUMBER... Republicans are outraged over Barack Obama's refusal to wear a flag pin on his lapel. Their candidates are required to wear the flag, except of course, when they wrap themselves in it.
_______________________________________
[] BULLETIN! To catch major, late-breaking headlines (OJ, anyone?) the moment they hit the street, check the "Bereft On The Left" blog often. To insure that you don't miss a beat, it's a smart idea to add the blog to your "Favorites" list.
www.bereftontheleft.blogspot.com
_______________________________________

TROJAN HORSE... The FDA is considering a new drug catagory--"behind the counter"--to be dispensed by pharmacists. Much like teens have purchased rubbers for time immemorial.

EARLY VIEW... Paleontologists in Utah have uncovered fossils of a birdlike dinosaur which had 800 teeth. Thay've given it the scientific name, "Rosierious O'Donnellus Rex."

GOAL!... A new health study has shown that female athletes suffer more concussions playing body contact sports than boys. They're being advised to pursue gentler sports like, say, presidential politics.

Wednesday 10/03/07

PRIDE UNPREJUDICED... Surpassing Russia and Great Britain, the US is the top supplier of weapons to Third World nations. Which isn't as bad as it seems. What proud American wouldn't be proud to be shot with a gun proudly made by proud Americans?

WATERMARK... A new congressional report claims that Blackwater operatives have been involved in 195 shootings since 2005. A record for the Bush administration even without counting Cheney.

RIGHT TO STRIFE... Evangelists James Dobson and Tony Perkins warn that evangelicals will abandon the Republicans for a third party if Giuliani, a pro-abortionist in their opinion, is nominated. They promise the new party will have the cahones to challenge Row v. Wade and will be called the "Evantesticles."

GO IN NOW, JAMES... Actress Lois Maxwell, who appeared in fourteen Bond pictures as "Miss Moneypenny," has died at age 80. Adjusted to the declining US dollar, she'd be known today as "Miss Money Tenth-of-a-Cent."
_______________________________________
Do you like to read? Your unique talent for reading aloud is needed to help blind and dyslexic students reach the academic heights! Become a member of our team of microphone magicians at Recording For the Blind & Dyslexic. Call to find out if there's a studio near you!

www.rfbd.org
(866) 732-3585
_______________________________________

SPOOKS DUPED... A Justice Department study shows that the FBI could easily be infiltrated by double agents. And without Miss Moneypenny, England isn't much better off.

GROUND ZERO... AD-Air UK will install horizontal billboards around airports that are visible only to airline passengers. To add insult to injury, they'll include ads for luggage.

MOTHER DECREE... A Los Angeles judge has revoked Britney Spears' joint child custody rights and awarded them exclusively to K Fed. He also ordered her to stop trying to lip synch.

ROGER THAT... The makers of Hostess Twinkies have reported no progress in its talks with the Teamsters Union. Things may turn around, however, when Rubber Duckie finds a case of Twinkies stuffed into his exhaust manifold.
_______________________________________

"Border relations between Canada and Mexico have never been better."

George W. Bush 9/24/2001 Washington DC
_______________________________________

GOLDEN 'CHUTE... Vladimir Putin has indicated that he may appoint himself Prime Minister of Russia before his term as president runs out, which could keep him in power until 2024. For God's sake, don't tell Bush about this.

BUZZZ... TSA has ordered airport screeners to examine more closely all remotely controlled devices in carry-on luggage. And some passengers may be required to demonstrate the use of sex toys.

SWEET SORROW... Hershey has laid off 3000 workers in six plants---Each of whom received a chocolate kiss with "So long---been nice" printed on that little white strip.

COMBOVER... In her new book, "Celebrity Detox: The Fame Game," Rosie O'Donnell describes Donald Trump as "Totally creepy. He was sadistic in a deeply distrubing way." Worse, she suspects something evil is living in his hair.