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MORMONICO?... Romney says the US should bar the president of Iran from addressing the United Nations General Assembly. Sorry, Mitt, but the UN is an international body and Utah isn't a country---yet.
FUNK & WANGELS... Barry Manilow canceled an appearance on "The View," calling Elizabeth Hasselbeck "dangerous and offensive." After he looked up "airhead" in the dictionary and found her picture next to "dangerous, offensive and married to a professional athlete."
BLEEPED... Sally Field was cut off during her Emmy speech: "If mothers ruled the world, there would be no goddam wars in the first place!" Sally has been down on war ever since Marlon Brando beat out Burt Reynolds for "Apocalypse Now."
THREE HAIL MARYS... Fox excised the Emmy acceptance speech of "My Life on the D List" star Kathy Griffin after complaints from the Catholic League over her comment that "Jesus had nothing to do with this." They're still mad because the Book of Mormon refers to the Last Supper as "a D-List event."
PAGE TURNER... During a visit to Israel, Madonna presented President Shimon Peres with "The Book of Splendor," a guide to Jewish mysticism. It's believed to enable the owner to channel Georgie Jessel.
IF HE DID IT... OJ Simpson has been charged by Las Vegas police with two counts of robbery with a deadly weapon, two counts of assault with a deadly weapon, conspiracy to commit burglary and burglary with a firearm--charges that could result in 1-15 years in prison.
[] Close call. One more firearm charge and he would have lost his Ginzu Carving Knife endorsement deal.
[] Another lucky break. Nothing in the charges mention an airport mensroom.
[] After seeing his mug shot, he said, "Could you use the one they took when I murdered Ron and Nicole?"
[] He was booked into the "Celebrity Block"---wall-to-wall Elvis impersonators and Wayne Newton drag queens.
[] Las Vegas cell blocks are windowless, clockless, and noisy 24/7---oh, I'm sorry---that's the casinos.
[] He felt right at home. Prisoners in Las Vegas are issued a sequined jumpsuit and Bruno Mahli loafers.
[] When he entered his holding cell, he noticed Kato Kaelin already asleep in the bunk.
[] He may see some old faces. Marcia Clark has applied for a job with the prosecution---as an unpaid volunteer.
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SPANGLISH... Former Federal Reserve Chairman Alan Greenspan, once praised by Bush for his vision and insight, claims in his new book the "The Iraq war is for oil." The White House immediately issued a denial but Cheney's comments were drowned out by his camel.
GLAND ENTRANCE... McCain has launched what he calls his "No Surrender Tour." But it doesn't refer to the war----it's about his enlarged prostate.
CRONE-FREE... Bush has announced his choice for Attorney General, Michael Mukasey, a former federal judge with impressive legal credentials. Which can mean only one thing: the GOP's "Annual Summer's End Incompetent Right Wing Political Hack Sale" must have been a bust.
STEP RIGHT UP... The airport mens room where Larry Craig was busted is now a popular tourist attraction. Joining Ted Haggart's choir loft and Mark Foley's apartment on the route of Grayline's "Compassionate Republicans Family Values Closeted Gay Hypocrites Trysts & Twists Magical Mystery Tour."
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NUNS ON THE RUN... The Los Angeles Archdiocese will sell Santa Barbara's Sisters of Bethany Convent to help pay off the $660 million priest pedophile settlement. No problem for the Vatican, though. Pope Benny declared homelessness a fourth vow.
COME UNTO ME... And the pope approved a new Beatitude: "Blessed are the homeless for they shall inherit Sears refrigerator cartons to live in."
SLIGHT DISCONNECT... Petreaus told the Congressional committee that "I'm not aware of a connection between 9/11 and Iraq." But destroying the country is okay because, well, didn't FDR answer Pearl Harbor by invading Lichtenstein?
ETHEREAL... Petreaus says that testifying before Congress "was like an out-of-body experience." Which wasn't easy with eighty-six pounds of medals and assorted battle bric-a-brac pinned to his chest.
OWEN'S VALLEY... Eschewing the rehab being urged by his friends, Owen Wilson has hired a $750-a-day "sobriety buddy" to chaperon him around the clock. Nice to see Mel Gibson is keeping busy between films.
ALTARNATION... Over half of Americans polled recently said they believe the Constitution designates the US as a "Christian nation." Even more alarming, three quarters of them think the Declaration of Independence was signed by Matthew, Mark, Luke and John Hancock.
PAINLESS OGG... Several teeth found in Spain believed to be 63,400 years old show evidence that Neanderthals tried to preserve their teeth. Then, unfortunately, most of them migrated to England and, well ----
BARK... New ultra-accurate GPS instruments have been able to identify the world's tallest tree, a 379-foot California Coast Redwood named "Hyperion." Which was recently irregated by the world's tallest dog, a pure bred Great Dane named "Michael Vick."
SILENT VIGIL... On September 11, American's across the nation commemorated the attack on the World Trade Towers. Even Bush. He reread "My Pet Goat."
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"Sometimes when I sleep at night, I think of Dr.Seuss's 'Hop on Pop'."
George W. Bush 4/2/2002 Washington, DC
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EMPTY CHAMBER... Bush's Homeland Security advisor Frances Townsend called Bin Laden "virtually impotent." Oops----sorry, that was Bush.
DON THE BEACHCOMBER... Rumsfeld called Afghanistan "a big success." Not big enough for a "Mission Accomplished" banner maybe, but big.
PICTURE PERFECT... A recent survey shows that 22% of Americans sport tattoos, many in unexpected places. A proctologist at the Mayo recently spotted "Dogs Playing Poker" on his colonoscopy screen.
DOUBLE PLY... Larry Craig filed a motion with the Minneapolis court to withdraw his disorderly conduct guilty plea. Still making poor decisions, he had his lawyer type it up on a roll of Charmin.
DA... Starbucks opened its first kiosk in Russia. Hottest seller so far: French Vanilla Borcht Frappacino Decaf.
_______________________________________
Do you like to read? Your unique talent for reading aloud is needed to help blind and dyslexic students reach the academic heights! Become a member of our team of microphone magicians at Recording For the Blind & Dyslexic. Call to find out if there's a studio near you!
www.rfbd.org
(866) 732-3585
_______________________________________
FAULT!... This year, over 400 applicants competed for jobs as ball boys at the US Tennis Open. Most unemployed former dog fight referees.
WIDE STANCE... An internet photo of Vanessa Hudgens, star of Disney's "High School Musical 2," shows her standing nude in a bathroom. Worse, you can just make out Larry Craig's shoe poking under the adjoining stall.
MARGARITAVILLE... MTV is developing a bisexual dating show with MySpace star Tila Tequila the grand prize. Contestants are switch-hitters----you know, they don't mind if their rims are salted or unsalted.
NECK BRACE... A White House spokesman called Laura Bush's neck surgery for a pinched nerve "minimally invasive." Would that pinched nerve she married was.
ALL NET... Shaquille O'Neal and his wife, Shaunie, are divorcing. Things could get nasty. She's even going after his Reserve Sheriff Deputy checks.
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FREE MEMBERSHIP: Subscribers in California, Las Vegas, Chicago, Washington, DC, New York and Boston (or those planing to visit) are invited to join Goldstar Events, a website offering drastically reduced tickets to major entertainment venues including live theater, comedy, sports, music and much more! Your FREE MEMBERSHIP includes e-mail notification of events opening near you. You'll love this online service that allows you to print your own tickets, often for about the cost of a movie! Check it out now!
https://www.goldstarevents.com/join?p=F471918RP
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BATTLE OF VICKSBURG... Whoopie Goldberg was booed on "The View" when she defended Michael Vick. But boos turned to cheers when Elizabeth Hasselbeck's chihuahua, "Rosie," attached herself to Whoopie's ankle.
ORDER IN THE COURT... The Post Office has issued a new stamp that commends those who show up for jury duty. May be a tad too graphic, though. It has a picture of a jury tieing a noose around Phil Spector's neck.
GEEZERVILLE... Americans' life spans now average 77.9 years. Gerontologists credit improved diets, healthier lifestyles and Bob Barker.
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"The law I sign today directs new funds and new focus to the task of collecting vital intelligence on terrorist threats and on weapons of mass production."
George W. Bush 11/27/2002 Washington DC
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FRIENDLY FIRE... Bush made a surprise Iraq visit to 10,000 US troops stationed in Anbar Provence. When Air Force One landed, he got the traditional 21-gun salute----thirteen of them aimed AT Air Force One.
MILD DISAPPOINTMENT... Said White House Chief-of-Staff Joshua Bolten: "There have been unexpected developments on the negative side in Iraq." Well, sure, if you want to call no success after five years and 4,000 deaths "negative."
GENERAL ECLECTIC... Said Bush's number two man in Iraq, Lt. Gen. Ray Odierno: "I think that if we continue doing what we are doing, we'll get to such a level where we think we can do it with less troops." It's "fewer troops," but hey, English is kind of an elective at West Point.
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"We ended the rule of one of history's worst tyrants, and in so doing, we not only freed the American people, we made our own people more secure."
George W. Bush 5/3/2003 Crawford, Texas
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PALS... The Marine Corps "Buddy Program" guarantees that friends who enlist together will be assigned to the same platoon, drill sergeant and duty station. Not to mention field hospitals, morphine drips, litters, splints, tourniquets, crutches, prosthetic limbs...
PICTURE PERFECT... The Marines do not permit tattoos that feature profanity, gang symbols, racial slurs or pornography. Or depictions of the commander-in-chief as "What, me worry?"
HONOR ROLL CHALLENGED... According to the latest progress report, the Iraqi government has met only three of the eighteen benchmarks imposed upon them by the Bush administration. Not too bad if you compare it to Bush's report card at Yale.
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Catch Bob's weekly radio show "INSIDE TELEVISION" for the latest articles, celebrity profiles and interviews from The New Yorker, The Los Angeles Times and USA Today. The show airs on-line Thursday mornings from 8:20 to 9:00 am. PDT on LARRS, the all-volunteer, commercial free, non-profit Los Angeles Radio Reading Service----24-hour Newsradio for the Blind, an affiliate of Minnesota's Radio Talking Book Network.
www.larrs.org
password: intelligence
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HORMEL REPORT... Fred Thompson announced "I'm running for the presidency" on the Tonight Show----after declining an invitation to guest on C-Span's "Ham Actor Week," honoring Ronald Reagan.
JOB INTERVIEW... Bush says he'll name a replacement for Al Gonzales soon. He must be serious. Yesterday, he met with Larry Craig for three hours in the mensroom of the West Wing.
WIDE STANCE... GOP honcho Lindsay Graham on Larry Craig's decision to recant his resignation: "There was a lot of expectation that it was behind us." Lindsay, it's best not to use "Craig" and "behind" in the same sentence.
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BETTER IDEA... The Postal Service has unveiled a 41 cent stamp honoring President Gerald R. Ford. With a special feature. If you fail to attach enough postage, it pardons you.
BUZZZ... The TSA has begun using an improved airport luggage scanner that's better at recognizing shapes. Correcting a problem that plagued the previous scanners, it can distinguish between batteries attached to bombs from those attached to sex toys.
GRRR... Midway, Utah hosted the annual Classic Sheepdog Championships. Contestants were judged on field mobility, command response and form while tearing an effigy of Michael Vick to shreds.
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"I'm a patient man. And when I say I'm a patient man, I mean I'm a patient man."
George W. Bush 8/23/2001 Crawford, Texas
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ET CUM SPIRITU TUO... Pope Benedict XVI hosted the eco-friendly Youth Festival whose participants used recycled prayer books----while enjoying the pontiff's traditional recycled ecclesiastical claptrap.
CONDOMINIMUM... More than 100,000 condoms distributed free by the District of Columbia to fight AIDS and STD's were recalled as defective. Seems some of them were missing the "This End First" stamp on the tip.
WAGNERIAN OPERA... A 1909 Honus Wagner T206 baseball card sold at auction for a record $2.8 million. In a related story, an early publicity photo of Robert Wagner was purchased on e-Bay for $13.95----by Stephanie Powers.
CLOAK & DAGGER... Carbon dating has confirmed the authenticity of a 13th century tunic believed to have belonged to St. Francis of Assisi----despite claims by some skeptics that it's actually a shawl worn by Jeannie Francis on "Days of Our Lives."
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CRAIG'S LIST... GOP Senator says his lewd conduct guilty plea was based on charges that were "misconstrued."
1) Undercover cop misconstrued handshake attempt as a "crotch grab."
2) Hand under stall searching for toilet paper misconstrued as stroking neighbor's ankle.
3) "First time in Minneapolis?" misconstrued as "Hi, big boy, up for some layover fun?"
4) Perfectly straight, family-values-touting senator misconstrued as Merv Griffin.
CHARMIN GUY... Sen. Craig at a Boise press conference: "I did nothing wrong at the Minneapolis Airport... I am not gay... I never have been gay." Which should come as good news to Kimberly-Clark who desperately want Larry to consider becoming the next "Mr. Whipple."
STALLING... Mitt Romney's campaign has accepted Larry Craig's resignation as "campaign laison." On a brighter note for the senator, the Senate Ethics Committee has assured him that no charges of dog fighting are presently on the table.
MITT MIFFED... Romney tells CNN that he finds Craig "incredibly disappointing" but whether he'll demand his resignation, "I'll let him make that decision." Mitt does point out, though, that this probably puts him out of the running for his own planet that Mormons believe faithful spouses are awarded after death.
OINK!... The Minneapolis police have released the taped interrogation of Craig by the arresting officer. Says Larry: "I'm a fairly wide guy... I tend to spread my legs when I lower my pants so I won't slide..." Is it just me or does this remind you of "Deliverance"?
AMEN... Christian Fundamentalist, former "Family Values" presidential candidate Gary Bower says "What's disturbing and disgusting is that Minneapolis police have to stake out mens rest rooms." He's a firm (excuse the pun) believer that fellatio should be performed in private... behind the pulpit if possible.
GO ON... Seigfried and Roy have announced that both are gay. Okay, one, maybe----but BOTH?
HOT DOG... Sarah Lee has named September 5 "National Take Your Whole Grain Sandwich to School Day." Coming next month: "National I Wish I Were an Oscar Meyer Weiner Day."
_______________________________________
FREE MEMBERSHIP: Subscribers in California, Las Vegas, Chicago, Washington, DC, New York and Boston (or those planing to visit) are invited to join Goldstar Events, a website offering drastically reduced tickets to major entertainment venues including live theater, comedy, sports, music and much more! Your FREE MEMBERSHIP includes e-mail notification of events opening near you. You'll love this online service that allows you to print your own tickets, often for about the cost of a movie! Check it out now!
https://www.goldstarevents.com/join?p=F471918RP
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PENNY LOAFERS: Officials at TSA have abandoned attempts to develop an effective shoe scanner. Seems the test models could locate and identify powder or plastic explosives but just couldn't recognize Michael Vick basketball shoes.
LOST CHORD... Newly released data on Beethoven's death indicate that he may have died from lead poisoning. Most likely suspects are the keys on his harpsichord which were made in China.
YEAH, YEAH, YEAH... Shiela E heads the panel of judges for Fox's new reality series "The Next Great American Band." Contestants will be ranked for excellence in:
1) Thoroughness and originality of hotel room trashing.
2) Requiring groupies to produce complete and up-to- date STD medical records.
3) Proper syntax, grammar, spelling and punctuation of all body art.
4) Knowledge of, and ability to demonstrate, at least four guitar chords requiring three or more fingers.
5) Coming up with a totally meaningless name for the group.
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FAITHLESS... Newly-published letters of Mother Teresa show that she was haunted by doubts that Jesus ever really existed. And if that wasn't enough to shake her faith, she bought Enron stock.
AUTOGRAPH... The Atlanta Falcons will try to recover Michael Vick's $30 million signing bonus. I know what you're thinking. He knows how to write his name?
PRAISE D'LAWD... Vick told reporters that during his current difficulties, he "found the Lord." Maybe Mother Teresa should have tortured some dogs.
DAISY MAE... Officials in Atlanta are considering a measure that would ban jogging bras and thongs in public places. There are some pretty strict rules for women, too.
DUNES... The new $600 million, 65 acre, US embassy in Baghdad will have 1157 apartments, a soccer field and a mall surrounded by a nine foot wall. Opening in the 1000-seat Boom Boom Lounge is "Hallalujah Halliburton!" starring Sam Butera and the Coalition of the Willing featuring Keeley Smith.
_______________________________________
Catch Bob's weekly radio show "INSIDE TELEVISION" for the latest articles, celebrity profiles and interviews from leading print media sources including The New Yorker, The Los Angeles Times and USA Today. The show airs on-line Thursday mornings from 8:20 to 9:00 am. PDT. Hear it all on LARRS, the all-volunteer, commercial free, non-profit Los Angeles Radio Reading Service----24-hour Newsradio for the Blind, an affiliate of Minnesota's Radio Talking Book Network.
www.larrs.org
password: intelligence
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TEMPUS FUGIT... AT&T is discontinuing its 80-year old free time service. The toll free number will be reassigned to their new Keep Track of Republican Politician Sex Offenders service.
MEA CULPA... Michael Vick told reporters at a hastily-convened press conference "I apologize for all the things I've done... now I have to pay the consequences... I'm ashamed... what I did was very immature... I'm disappointed with myself... I need to grow up..." Oh, I'm sorry. That was Alberto Gonzales.
TOAST... There were some unmistakable signs that Al was headed back to Lone Star State oblivion:
1) Bush started addressing him as "Dude."
2) Portrait in hall repeatedly mistaken for John Mitchell's.
3) Phil Spector called him for legal advice.
4) Merriam-Webster printed his picture next to their entry on "hack."
5) His law school demanded return of his signing bonus.
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"It's about past seven in the evening here so we're actually in different time lines."
George W. Bush 4/28/2005 Washington DC
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RENO 911?... The Wall Street Journal reports that White House advisors have mentioned Sandra Day O'Conner as a possible replacement for Gonzales. Only if Harriet Miers isn't available, of course.
THUMBS DOWN... Roger Ebert, who owns the tradmark on the "thumbs up, thumbs down" film rating system, has refused to allow producers of "At The Movies" to use it. ABC/Disney decided to go with up and down middle fingers instead, but the New York City Cabbies Union owns that trademark.
SAN FRANCISCO TREAT... To help offset $4 million yearly maintenance costs, Golden Gate Bridge authorities will begin accepting advertising. First advertiser: Rice-A-Roni.
BAH, BAH, BAH... At current loss rates, British Airways is on track to misplace 1.3 million bags this year. Most of which, rumor has it, will be diverted to the ancient Greek city of Sampsonite.
BIG TOP... The Ringling Brothers, Barnum & Bailey Circus has been charged with animal cruelty for mishandling elephants. Keepers insist that balancing all four feet on a ball is perfectly natural behavior in the wild. How else are they expected to kill coconuts?
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Bob's book, "HOPE WRITER: My Life On The Road With Bob Hope," recounting his hilarious adventures with the legendary comedian, is now available FREE online at:
www.Hope-writer.blogspot.com
_______________________________________
OLE! Spanish TV will no longer air live bullfights, calling the practice a "cruel and brutal sport." This follows recent bans of "The View," "The Jerry Springer Show" and "American Idol" for the same reason.
DR. SCHOLL... A footprint believed to be 2 million years old was discovered beside an oasis in Egypt. Archeologists are stumped as to whose it is, but suffice to say, they're checking Cher's shoes.
FOREVER... Gemologists are verifying the discovery of a 7,000 carat diamond reportedly found in a mine near Johannesburg, South Africa. Before you get too excited, Kobe Bryant already bought it for his wife.
COCKED & LOADED... Last year, Americans bought half of the eight million firearms manufactured worldwide. And that's not even counting all those guns that Petraeus gave al Quaeda.
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"I think there is some methodology in my travels."
George W. Bush 3/5/2001 Washington DC
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NO MAPS... Attempting to appeal to younger voters, the Romney campaign has come up with a web site inviting them to "Create your own ad!" Not a bad idea if they hadn't hired that brain-numb, geography-challenged Miss Teenage America contestant to host it.
POPS... McCain's new web site features a clip of Lt. McCain being interrogated by enemy soldiers. Vietnam soldiers, not Roman Centurians as his age might suggest.
DOG DAZE... Leona Helmsley's will bequeathed $12 million to her dog----who's already been spotted club hopping with Paris Hilton's dog.
MUSKRAT RAMBLE... New federal airport screening rules now require additional inspection of certain types of head gear. The new requirement covers cowboy hats, berets, turbans and Donald Trump's hair.
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WEDDING BELLS... The White House announced that Jenna Bush is engaged to Henry Hager, former aide to Karl Rove and son of the former lieutenant governor of Virginia, John Hager. Before you go into a complete panic, geneticists worldwide are hard at work on a process that would insure, through selective juggling of DNA, that none of the couples' progeny, should they choose to procreate, will be born with a desire to enter politics... ADIOS AMIGO... "I just think it's time" said Karl Rove to Bush on the White House lawn before exiting stage left and heading home to join his new firm of Washington lobbyists, "Rove, Gingrich, DeLay, Foley & Cunningham"... ACADEMIA... US News & World Report ranks Princeton the top US college with Harvard not far behind. Bottom feeders included Pauly Shore's Traffic School in Encino, the Rhyman School of Bartending and that ersatz Jerry Falwell law school that all those Bush-appointed Justice Department retards matriculated from...SEE SPOT RUN... Laura Bush and her daughter Jenna have written a novel that will be published next spring. According to an aide, Bush enjoyed the gallies so much, he asked his tutor to read parts of it to him twice.
_______________________________________
Do you like to read? Ever been told your voice could charm the birds out of the trees? Okay, how about into the trees? Your unique talent for reading aloud is needed to help blind and dyslexic students reach the academic heights! Become a member of our team of microphone magicians at Recording For the Blind & Dyslexic. Call to find out if there's a studio near you!
www.rfbd.org
(866) 732-3585
____________________
AUTO MOTIVES... A Ferrari once owned by Steve McQueen sold at auction for $2.3 million. A rare MGM film spool containing outtakes of Butterfly McQueen in "Gone With the Wind" is also expected to earn a bundle... COME ON DOWN!... Details are sketchy, but Drew Carey was, according the show's insiders, injured during a taping of "The Price Is Right." Apparently Drew was trapped between two large appliances while being chased by a "Barker's Beauty" insisting that he "prove" that he's been neutered... LITTLE BIT COUNTRY... Seventies pop icons The Osmonds reunited on stage after 25 years apart. At the conclusion of the well-attended concert, Donny and Marie admitted that, thanks to a maze of mirrors and breakaway costumes, they are, as many fans have long suspected, the same person... KILL THE COPS... Casting his film on the life of rapper Notorious B.I.G., Sean "Diddy" Combs says he's looking for an actor who can capture B.I.G.'s "style, energy and smile." That Shouldn't be a problem. How many groosly obese, foul mouthed, black gangsters are there?... CHECK MATE... CNN's Anderson Cooper says he's "mildly dyslexic" and learned to read watching Sesame Street. He wasn't that great with numbers, either, constantly miscounting the zeros on his trust fund checks...
_______________________________________
FREE MEMBERSHIP: Subscribers in California, Las Vegas, Chicago, Washington, DC, New York and Boston (or those planing to visit) are invited to join Goldstar Events, a website offering drastically reduced tickets to major entertainment venues including live theater, comedy, sports, music and much more! Your FREE MEMBERSHIP includes e-mail notification of events opening near you. You'll love this online service that allows you to print your own tickets, often for about the cost of a movie! Check it out now!
https://www.goldstarevents.com/join?p=F471918RP
_______________________________________
LOVE LOVE... Serena Williams appears nude in the current issue of Jane Magazine. Well, almost naked save for two tennis balls and a torn hot dog wrapper... MEDIC!... Johnson & Johnson has filed suit against the American Red Cross alledging illegal use of its logo. In a related story, Krispy Kreme has filed their own suit charging them with illegal donut distribution... SENIOR DISCOUNT... McCain says he's the candidate most qualified to "take on radical Islamic exteremism." He may be right, being the only one who actually met Allah as a youth... LOUISVILLE SLUGGER... Former Dodger Jose Offerman was charged with assault after clubbing the opposing pitcher and catcher with his bat during a Triple A game----the second of a double-header on "Michael Vick Night."... CHEERS!... With a population topping 4.2 million, Ireland is the fastest growing European country and could reach six million within a generation. Which, at the current ratio, would mean thay'd have 56,430,812,957 pubs... HI, SAILOR... Scientists at U.C. Davis have discovered that ground squirrels possess the ability to increase the temperature of their tails by as much as 12%. Big deal, Manhattan's call girls can do twice that...
_______________________________________
Catch Bob's weekly radio show "INSIDE TELEVISION" for the latest articles, celebrity profiles and interviews from leading print media sources including The New Yorker, The Los Angeles Times and USA Today. The show airs on-line Thursday mornings from 8:20 to 9:00 am. PDT. Hear it all on LARRS, the all-volunteer, commercial free, non-profit Los Angeles Radio Reading Service----24-hour Newsradio for the Blind, an affiliate of Minnesota's Radio Talking Book Network.
www.larrs.org
password: intelligence
_______________________________________
AGED IN OAK... NASA cut short by one day the mission of the space shuttle Endeavour in order to avoid Hurricane Dean. And also to insure that the astronauts would be able to attend a celebration in Lexington, Kentucky marking the 150th anniversary of Southern Comfort... PINNACLED... Seventy-one year old Katsusuke Yanagisowa has become the oldest person ever to climb Mt. Everest. Eclipsing Regis Philbin's record as the oldest person ever to climb Kathy Lee Gifford... DUH... Michigan University's Institute for Social Research found that the average net worth of people 20 to 30 has fallen 30% since 2003. But luckily their math scores plummeted by the same amount so they probably didn't notice... BUFF... According to a poll conducted by afteradult.com, the favorite male athletes among gays are David Beckham and Brady Quinn. Favorite among lesbians is Ann Coulter... BON APPETIT... Signaling a thaw in Franco-American relations, France's foreign minister told reporters during a surprise visit to Baghdad that "we are ready to be useful." I'll say. He's sending in the elite 285th Croissant & Baguette Reconnaissance Battalion to provide pastry chef backup...
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"See, in my line of work you got to keep repeating things over and over and over again for the truth to sink in, to kind of catapult the propaganda."
George W. Bush 5/22/2004 New York City
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BOW WOW... Michael Vick has elected to avoid a trial on dog cruelty charges by pleading guilty to conspiracy. After he learned from court insiders that the jury pool is made up of members of the Westminster Kennel Club...BONZAI!... Clint Eastwood's "Letters From Iwo Jima" grossed three times more in Japan than it did in the US. Upon hearing the figures, the Warner Bros. flack who hawked the film here impaled himself on a Samurai sword... ABU DABU HONEYMOON... Army Lt. Col. Steven Jordan, who has gone on trial for atrocities committed at Abu Ghraib Prison, claims he's a scapegoat. He has a point. The strongest evidence against him is the Sears Die Hard traced to his Humvee that was used to wire that inmate's testicles... PINK PANTHERS... Researchers at Newcastle University in England have demonstrated that color preferences are gender based with females prefering pink and males blue. Trans-sexuals appear to lean toward plaid... GOL-LY!... The Princeton Review has ranked West Virginia University as the nation's number one party school. Which explains that bronze bust of John Beluchi in the lobby of Dukes of Hazzard Hall...
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Bob's book, "HOPE WRITER: My Life On The Road With Bob Hope," recounting his hilarious adventures with the legendary comedian, is now available FREE online at:
www.Hope-writer.blogspot.com
_______________________________________
VIAGRACULTURE... A University of Chicago study shows that many Americans have sex well into their 70's and 80's. With some adjustments, of course. Foreplay is replaced by trying to remember what they just did... KNICK ON VICKS... New York Knicks guard Steven Marbury says "dogfighting is just another sport, like hunting." He said this while on tour to promote his new $200-a-pair basketball shoes----the "Model 55 Puppy Stompers."... GHOSTBUSTING... Bill Murray was arrested by Swedish police for driving a golf cart down a Stockholm street. He explained that he was reenacting "Groundhog Day" but somehow, it got "Lost in Translation."... CHECK OUT TIME... Leona Helmsley died in New York City at the age of 92. In her memory, 21 runway models threw cell phones at their maids...
Petraeus predicts that "... the US footprint in Iraq will be a lot smaller by next summer." Well, sure, given the rate their legs are being blown off.
Crooked NBA referee Tim Donaghy has admitted that he's been fixing games for a fee of $5000 each since 2003. In mitigation, though, he did buy his wife a ring.
Michael Vick is said to be considering a plea deal offered by prosecutors. Rumors are they'll recommend probation if he agrees to have a wounded pit bull strapped to his ankle.
_______________________________________
Do you like to read? Ever been told your voice could charm the birds out of the trees? Okay, how about into the trees? Your unique talent for reading aloud is needed to help blind and dyslexic students reach the academic heights! Become a member of our team of microphone magicians at Recording For the Blind & Dyslexic. Call to find out if there's a studio near you!
www.rfbd.org
(866) 732-3585
_______________________________________
Mormons believe that married couples who are faithful to each other in life will, in the afterlife, be awarded their own planet. Mitt Romney has already subdivided his and is selling prime beachfront lots to non-Mormons who won't get their own planet.
A Catholic priest in Mexico was sentenced to 55 years in prison for impregnating one of his parishioners. Pope Benedict XVI threatened to excommunicate him, but Mrs. Benedict talked him out it.
Officials at the National Association of Evangelicals are conducting interviews to replace male prostitute- loving, methamphetimine-using Ted Haggard. Just for a change of pace, they're looking for an alcoholic, porn-collecting pedophile.
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"The war on terror involves Saddam Hussein because of the nature of Saddam Hussein, the history of Saddam Hussein, and his willingness to terrorize himself."
George W. Bush 1/28/2003 Grand Rapids, Mich.
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The price of ammunition used by recreational hunters has risen 35% due to the war in Iraq. It's so bad, Cheney can only afford to shoot one hunting buddy a year.
Since the death penalty was restored in 1989, Texas has executed 400 prisoners----thanks to the Supreme Court ruling that life imprisonment in Texas constitutes cruel and unusual punishment.
The city of Newark, New Jersey is installing a $3.2 million system of surveillance cameras and gunshot detectors in high crime areas----starting with the mayor's office, the City Council Chamber and police stations.
_______________________________________
Catch Bob's weekly radio show "INSIDE TELEVISION" for the latest articles, celebrity profiles and interviews from leading print media sources including The New Yorker, The Los Angeles Times and USA Today. The show airs on-line Thursday mornings from 8:20 to 9:00 am. PDT. Hear it all on LARRS, the all-volunteer, commercial free, non-profit Los Angeles Radio Reading Service----24-hour Newsradio for the Blind, an affiliate of Minnesota's Radio Talking Book Network.
www.larrs.org
password: intelligence
_______________________________________
A new State Department study shows that 17% of US diplomats suffer symptoms of stress----mainly due to worldwide political unrest, widespread hatred of Americans and pressure to get Condoleezza Rice laid.
The S.E.C. is concluding a 5-year investigation of Dell Computers for accounting irregularities. "Hey, Dude, you're getting a subpoena!"
Quarterly profits at Home Depot have dipped 5%. One more decline that steep and those illegal immigrants in the parking lot will have minimum wage jobs in the store.
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"In other words, I don't think people ought to be compelled to make the decision which they think is best for their family."
George W. Bush 12/11/2002 Washington DC
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Health Department authorities in England have announced that the recent outbreak of hoof and mouth disease has been contained. Much to the relief of Paula Abdul who's been refusing to sit next to Simon Cowell.
For only the fourth time since 1859, Big Ben is silent while workmen clean the clock's internal gears. Whenever any teeth are cleaned in England, it's cause for celebration.
_______________________________________
Bob's book, "HOPE WRITER: My Life On The Road With Bob Hope," recounting his hilarious adventures with the legendary comedian, is now available FREE online at:
www.Hope-writer.blogspot.com
_______________________________________
An Army report shows that thousands of US-made firearms issued to hastily-trained Iraqi forces are now in the hands of the insurgents. And to add insult to injury, they appear to be more accurate with them.
Public school students in Texas are required to recite the state pledge of allegiance followed by a moment of silence----one hopes to reflect on how they'll someday manage to get the hell out of Texas.
Elvis fans will gather in Memphis on August 16 to honor the 30th anniversary of his death. The highlight of which will be a drug overdose reenactment by 20 Elvis lookalikes.
_______________________________________
Catch Bob's weekly radio show "INSIDE TELEVISION" for the latest articles, celebrity profiles and interviews from leading print media sources including The New Yorker, The Los Angeles Times and USA Today. The show airs on-line Thursday mornings from 8:20 to 9:00 am. PDT. Hear it all on LARRS, the all-volunteer, commercial free, non-profit Los Angeles Radio Reading Service----24-hour Newsradio for the Blind, an affiliate of Minnesota's Radio Talking Book Network.
www.larrs.org
password: intelligence
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A federal judge has barred the Navy from using sonar off the coast of California. Rejecting the Pentagon's argument that they've uncovered a terrorist plot to arm suicide whales.
The space shuttle Endeavor with seven crew members aboard, is on its way to the International Space Station. Also on board are several scientific experiments, new suits designed to offset the effects of weightlessness and 30 cases of industrial strength Huggies.
The baseball that Barry Bonds hit to break Hank Aaron's record will sell at auction, say collectors, for more that a half million dollars. In a related story, the syringe he used to break Mark Maguire's illegal performance enhancement drug record recently sold on e-Bay for $1.39.
_______________________________________
FREE MEMBERSHIP: Subscribers in California, Las Vegas, Chicago, Washington, DC, New York and Boston (or those planing to visit) are invited to join Goldstar Events, a website offering drastically reduced tickets to major entertainment venues including live theater, comedy, sports, music and much more! Your FREE MEMBERSHIP includes e-mail notification of events opening near you. You'll love this online service that allows you to print your own tickets, often for about the cost of a movie! Check it out now!
https://www.goldstarevents.com/join?p=F471918RP
_______________________________________
Philip Morris has launched Marlboro "Snus," a nicotine pouch that addicted smokers on airplanes and other places where smoking is not allowed. can tuck under their upper lip. For those who prefer colon cancer, the pouch easily doubles as a suppository.
A collector rummaging through an attic in Germany found over 100 gramophone records of Russian and Jewish composers, banned by the Nazis, in a collection secretly assembled by Adolph Hitler. In a related story, a ranch hand in Crawford, Texas claims he has proof that Bush occasionally sneaks out to the bunkhouse to listen to Broadway show tunes.
NBC has renewed "America's Got Talent" for another season, signing David Hasselhoff as a judge. As part of his deal, Dave had to agree to be strapped to his chair during tapings and lay off the cheeseburgers in the green room.
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"I am mindful not only of preserving executive powers for myself, but for predecessors as well."
George W. Bush 1/29/2001 Washington, DC
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The $400 million, 675-acre Four Winds Casino Resort owned by the Potanatomi Indian tribe has opened in Michigan. Now playing in the 4500-seat "Pow Wow Room" is the smash topless musical review "Hallelujah Wounded Knee!"
Four hundred beachgoers in Florida were stung during an invasion by giant jellyfish----most of whom, authorities later learned, had inexplicably panicked during underwater filming of a Smuckers commercial.
Great Britain has announced that Iraqis who aided British troops will under no circumstances be granted asylum after the troops withdraw. Under their new prime minister, only Prince Harry's ex-girlfriends qualify for government protection.
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Bob's book, "HOPE WRITER: My Life On The Road With Bob Hope," recounting his hilarious adventures with the legendary comedian, is now available FREE online at:
www.Hope-writer.blogspot.com
_______________________________________
Great Britain has demanded that the US release eight British Muslims being held at Guantanamo. Bush, of course, has refused----although he did offer to exchange Jon Voight for Vanessa Redgrave.
One in three flights arrives late, says the US Department of Transportation. On a brighter note for travelers, their luggage arrives early----in the wrong city, but early.
Over a million and a half dolls, including Dora the Explorer, Big Bird, Elmo and the Cookie Monster have been recalled by the Consumer Product Safety Commission due to excessive lead levels. The commission is urging parents to test their small children by holding them near a refrigerator. If they stick, immediate medical attention is recommended.
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"He was a state sponsor of terror. In other words, the government had declared, you are a state sponsor of terror."
George W. Bush 1/23/2006 Manhattan, Kan
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Dan Marino's Restaurant in South Florida offers electronic "talking" menues. With ear phones for "Early Bird" diners.
A new Forbes survey says that Las Vegas is the "most visited" US city. Barely edging out Bayonne, New Jersey.
A submarine planted a Russian flag 13,980 feet below the Arctic Circle to claim rights to future energy producing minerals found there. Then they noticed it was only a few feet from the flag Starbucks planted last year.
The Army will pay recruits a $20,000 bonus if they agree to report for duty within 30 days. Even more tempting to employment-desperate youths is a guarantee of $10,000 per shrapnel wound, $50,000 per blown off limb and a whopping $100,000 for the ultimate sacrifice (coffin flag not included).
New evidence shows that pigskin hero turned Army patriot Pat Tillman may have been murdered by fellow soldiers jealous of his notoriety. The Pentagon can explain the three bullet holes found in his back----it's the knife they're having problems with.
Chief Justice John Roberts suffered a seizure at his vacation home in Penobscot, Maine. A spokesman for the Supreme Court immediately assured the public that he's as healthy as Rehnquist was when we were told he was fit.
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"And I want those who are questioning it to step up and explain why all of a sudden a Middle Eastern company is held to a different standard than a Great British company."
George W. Bush 2/21/2006 Air Force One
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Prince William told an interviewer on NBC "I love America. I think it's brilliant. Everyone's very good at not being too invasive." Bush, it appears, has escaped his notice.
NASA officials disclose that astronauts on a Soyez mission to the International Space station flew while drunk. "One small step for man----one giant leap for Smirnoff."
Two photographers have been charged with attempted extortion for demanding Tom Cruise pay them $1 million for stolen photos of his wedding. Seems they caught a shot of the wedding party which included several space aliens from the Church of Scientology.
_______________________________________
Bob's book, "HOPE WRITER: My Life On The Road With Bob Hope," recounting his hilarious adventures with the legendary comedian, is now available FREE online at:
www.Hope-writer.blogspot.com
_______________________________________
HISTORY TELLS US...
Aspirin was discovered in 1897 by a German chemist named Felix Hoffman. The Bayer employee was busy on other projects until one evening, returning from a long day in his lab, his wife Freida uttered the immortal words that would eventually result in the 700,000,000 pounds of aspirin produced today: "Not tonight I have a headache."
It was an Englishman, not an American, who founded the Boy Scouts of America in 1907. In 1908, Robert Baden-Powell published "Scouting For Boys," which taught woodcraft, boatsmanship, chivalry, dedication----and how to start a fire by rubbing two Girl Scouts together. Today, there are 28 million Boy Scouts in 155 countries----all searching for two girl scouts to rub together.
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Three hundred Boy Scouts gathered in Poole Harbor, England to celebrate the organization's 100th anniversary. With demonstrations of canoeing, pottery making, archery and dance. Local elderly residents volunteered to be helped across the street.
Frederick von Anhalt, husband of Zsa Zsa Gabor, was mugged by two girls who took his wallet and clothes, leaving him naked in the back seat of his Rolls-Royce. The same back seat, you'll recall, on which he claimed to have fathered Anna Nicole's baby.
Producers of "The View" have confirmed that Whoopie Goldberg will replace Rosie O'Donnell. When told of the announcement, Elizabeth Hasselbeck reportedly exclaimed "Oh, I love blacks. And she's Jewish, too!"
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"But I also made it clear to Putin that it's important to think beyond the old days of when we had the concept that if we blew each other up, the world would be safe."
George W. Bush 5/1/2001 Washington DC
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Lindsay Lohan's new movie "I Know Who Killed Me" tanked in its opening weekend, earning a paltry $3.4 million. In an attempt to goose the box office, producers have renamed it "I Know Who Stashed That Cocaine in Your Car."
The Adam Sandler movie "I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry" dropped a whopping 44% from its opening weekend. Critics have renamed it "I Now Pronounce You Pauley Shore and Rob Schnieder."
Laurie David is divorcing "Seinfeld" creator, Larry David. Friends confide that she finally realized that the marriage was about nothing.
NASA has hired a team of MIT engineers to come up with a new skin-tight space suit that will give astronauts greater mobility. Drunk or sober.
_______________________________________
FREE MEMBERSHIP: Subscribers in California, Las Vegas, Chicago, Washington, DC, New York and Boston (or those planing to visit) are invited to join Goldstar Events, a website offering drastically reduced tickets to major entertainment venues including live theater, comedy, sports, music and much more! Your FREE MEMBERSHIP includes e-mail notification of events opening near you. You'll love this online service that allows you to print your own tickets, often for about the cost of a movie! Check it out now!
https://www.goldstarevents.com/join?p=F471918RP
_______________________________________
McDonalds has debuted the "Hugo," their new 42 ounce, 400 calorie soft drink. Not to be outdone, Burger King has introduced its new soft drink called the "Edsel."
Paris Hilton has her Hollywood Hills manse on the market for $4.25. It has four bedrooms, three baths and a library. No books in it, but it's a library.
Famed Swedish film director Ingmar Bergman died in Stockholm. Apparently after eating some wild strawberries.
_______________________________________
Do you like to read? Ever been told your voice could charm the birds out of the trees? Okay, how about into the trees? Your unique talent for reading aloud is needed to help blind and dyslexic students reach the academic heights! Become a member of our team of microphone magicians at Recording For the Blind & Dyslexic. Call to find out if there's a studio near you!
www.rfbd.org
(866) 732-3585
_______________________________________
Posh Spice Beckham told reporters in Los Angeles "High heels are good because they really lengthen you out." Hey, a guy who makes millions hitting a soccer ball with his head doesn't need a wife with anything in hers.
Scary Spice has filed an action to collect child support from Eddie Murphy through her attorney, Gloria Allred. Who, coincidentially, is also known as "Scary."
Woman in San Francisco went topless during a visit by Hillary Clinton to protest her support for the Iraq war. Turned out they were there to open the new Nob Hill Hooters.
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PROGRAM REMINDER: Bob is scheduled to co-host "Access Unlimited," KPFK's weekly hour dedicated to helping the disabled. Our topic on Tuesday, August 7 will be "Should Bush be impeached?" The show is broadcast at 90.7 FM in Los Angeles and 90.8 in Santa Barbara. It's also streamed live on the internet at 3pm to 4pm PDT and archieved for 90 days.
KPFK.org
_______________________________________
Seventy percent of applicants for police jobs in Las Vegas are rejected for past drug use, prostitution or other crimes. Not committed in Las Vegas, of course. What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas.
Experimental marijuana use in their past will no longer disqualify FBI agent wannabes. Even a reasonable amount of transsexual crossdressing will be allowed in honor of the founder, J. Edgar Hoover.
Atlanta quarterback Michael Vick has been indicted on animal cruelty charges and told by the NFL not to report to training camp. He will, however, be allowed to hire himself out to college teams to strangle the opposing team's mascot.
Bush met with King Abdullah II of Jordan and was overheard telling him "Your son sure could play basketball."
Bush's recent colonoscopy showed no malignancies, say his doctors who also expect to find nothing after his upcoming brain scan.
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"We need to counter the shockwave of the evildoer by having individual rate cuts accelerated and by thinking about tax rebates."
George W. Bush 10/4/2001 Washington, DC
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Bush's underqualified head shyster Bert Gonzales tells Congress he'll stay on the job "to replace the Justice Department's broken image." Pardon me, but isn't that a little like putting Cardinal Mahoney in charge a day care center?
Disgraced former House Speaker Newt Gingrich called the current crop of GOP presidential candidates "a pathetic bunch of pygmies." Three of the Seven Dwarfs immediately demanded an apology.
Paleontologists in Greece have discovered the petrified remains of a mastadon believed to be 3,000,000 years old. Dethroning the previous record-holder, Bob Barker.
_______________________________________
Bob's book, "HOPE WRITER: My Life On The Road With Bob Hope," recounting his hilarious adventures with the legendary comedian, is now available FREE online at:
www.Hope-writer.blogspot.com
_______________________________________
NBA referee Tim Doneghy has been accused of fixing games. Bad enough, but now it looks like he may have covered bets placed by Michael Vick.
Hall of Famer Gary Player says at least ten of the top professional golfers take steroids. Which explains why current PGA rules allow golfers to carry 14 clubs and a syringe.
Airport luggage screeners report finding blocks of cheese wrapped in wire that they suspect may be terrorists making "dry runs." They found a suspicious brick in Kirstie Alley's luggage, but it turned out to be nothing more dangerous than a Kraft Nut Roll with Crushed Almonds & Cashews.
_______________________________________
Do you like to read? Ever been told your voice could charm the birds out of the trees? Okay, how about into the trees? Your unique talent for reading aloud is needed to help blind and dyslexic students reach the academic heights! Become a member of our team of microphone magicians at Recording For the Blind & Dyslexic. Call to find out if there's a studio near you!
www.rfbd.org
(866) 732-3585
_______________________________________
A computer analyst in Milan has discovered "hidden images" in Da Vinci's "The Last Supper" in which an unidentified figure appears to be holding a baby. Theologians theorize that it could be Mary Magdalene begging Jesus to save enough drachma to buy their son, Chip, a new Easter outfit.
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HISTORY TELLS US...
The first hot air balloon to take passengers aloft was launched in Versailles, France in 1783 carrying a rooster, a duck and a sheep. They survived the flight but the sheep was strangled upon landing by Michael Vick's great-great-grandfather, Michele Victoir, personal bookie to Marie Antoinette. Early hot air balloons were made of paper and fabric which was later replaced by rip-stop nylon----human skin if you count Rush Limbaugh. Two Frenchmen, Francois Laurent and Jean Francis Pilatre de Rozier, made the first flight carrying humans. It took them 25 minutes to cover five miles----and two and a half days to find their luggage which, due to poor weather, was diverted to the Island of Malta. The first US manned balloon flight took place in 1793 when Jean-Pierra Blanchard flew from Philadelphia to New Jersey. To keep the air in the balloon warm, he burned pages torn from the Book of Mormon. He later studied rodeo clowning by mail and died shortly thereafter from injuries suffered when, in full makeup, he tried to date Buffalo Bill. In accordance with his final wishes, his body was stuffed into a barrel and buried in the vestibule of the cathedral of St. Stephen the Eunuch near Stockholm.
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"I am a person who recognizes the fallacy of humans."
George W. Bush 9/19/2000 Oprah Winfrey Show
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Ham actor, former tobacco company lobbyist, Reagan wannabe and unannounced GOP presidential candidate Fred Thompson, has replaced his campaign manager, a former executive with Philip Morris. Seems the guy had to return to the den for the annual skin-shedding season.
Disney has banned tobacco products from all future movies carrying the Disney logo. Which explains why Snow White was recently spotted at a film premiere wearing a skin patch.
England has suffered its worst flooding in 60 years but the waters are finally receding. London has been able to reopen two of its three dental clinics.
_______________________________________
Catch Bob's weekly radio show "INSIDE TELEVISION" for the latest articles, celebrity profiles and interviews from leading print media sources including The New Yorker, The Los Angeles Times and USA Today. The show airs on-line Thursday mornings from 8:20 to 9:00 am. PDT. Hear it all on LARRS, the all-volunteer, commercial free, non-profit Los Angeles Radio Reading Service----24-hour Newsradio for the Blind, an affiliate of Minnesota's Radio Talking Book Network.
www.larrs.org
password: intelligence
_______________________________________
Starbucks has raised its prices across the board by nine cents. But in defense of the caffeinated conglomerate, they are granting customers longer grace periods to pay off their loans.
Drew Carey has been chosen to replace Bob Barker as host of "The Price Is Right." He beat out a raft of others including Rosie O'Donnell because he was the only one willing to neuter himself.
_______________________________________
FREE MEMBERSHIP: Subscribers in California, Las Vegas, Chicago, Washington, DC, New York and Boston (or those planing to visit) are invited to join Goldstar Events, a website offering drastically reduced tickets to major entertainment venues including live theater, comedy, sports, music and much more! Your FREE MEMBERSHIP includes e-mail notification of events opening near you. You'll love this online service that allows you to print your own tickets, often for about the cost of a movie! Check it out now!
https://www.goldstarevents.com/join?p=F471918RP
_______________________________________
CNN has hired former NBC Bush apologist Campbell Brown to replace the ratings-challenged Paula Zahn who sniffed to reporters "Youth must be served," while stuffing pins into a Campbell Brown voodoo doll.
Prince Charles celebrated his 60th birthday at a black-tie party at his country mansion Highgrove House near Tetbury. Guests reported that Tony Blair, appearing at his first gig since leaving 10 Downing Street, was sensational doing magic and making balloon animals.
Only twenty states require motorcyclists to wear helmets----mainly for the safety of other drivers. Brain tissue flying through a windshield is much less dangerous than bullet-shaped reinforced plastic.
_______________________________________
PROGRAM ALERT! Bob is scheduled to co-host "Access Unlimited," KPFK's weekly hour dedicated to helping the disabled. Our topic on Tuesday, August 7 will be "Should Bush be impeached?" The show is broadcast at 90.7 FM in Los Angeles and 90.8 in Santa Barbara. It's also streamed live on the internet at 3pm to 4pm PDT and archieved for 90 days.
www.KPFK.org
_______________________________________
Bush underwent a colonoscopy at Camp David. To explain the procedure in terms he could understand, doctors told him they were using a wand "just like the one Harry Potter uses." When they tried to explain their exit strategy, he had no idea what they were talking about. Dick Cheney was "acting president" during the procedure so just to be on the safe side, they hooked up his pacemaker to a Sears Die Hard. Doctors found and removed five polyps in Bush's anal canal plus two suspicious growths that turned out to be, on closer inspection, Cindy Sheehan and Michael Moore.
John Travolta is getting raves for his performance in "Hairspray" in which he plays Tracy Turnblad's mom, Edna. Officials at the Church of Scientology are so impressed, they've asked John to portray Anna Sciento, the Italian peasant who founded the whacko cult in 1878 in Salerno using two empty soup cans, at this year's company Christmas pageant. Tom Cruise has been offered the part of Anna's husband, Giovanni, but so far, he hasn't announced anything on Oprah.
"I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry" was roundly "pronounced lousy" by critics. In fact, it's so bad, Adam Sandler reportedly asked Robin Williams, who plays a minister in the equally dreadful "License to Wed," for a dispensation.
In other news from ecclesiastica, the Los Angeles archdiocese reports that the $660 million settlement of the Roman collar child rape cases will require the "sale of some church assets." Already doing his part, Cardinal Rog "Stonewall" Mahoney is renting out his silk vestments and several of his pointy hats to the Grand Klingon of the Ku Klux Klan to wear at "black tie" cross burnings.
Nike has put the scheduled introduction of Michael Vick's $100-a-pair athletic shoes on hold, pending the outcome of animal cruelty charges. Plans to rename the "Vick Pup-Crusher 500s" are also underway. Meanwhile, the NFL is proposing that Michael take a paid leave of absence during which he'd be allowed to work weekends at Atlanta's Animal Welfare Department spaying and neutering himself.
Homeland Security will now allow mothers to take breast milk on airplanes. Under previous Bush administration guidelines, it was allowed on board only if still in the original container.
A five-acre Roman bath house believed to date to the second century has been unearthed near the Italian capital. A sign over the door indicates that it was restricted----to "Romans, Countrymen and Friends."
A New Jersey nurse has been sentenced to life in prison for killing and dismembering her husband and stuffing his body parts into a set of matched luggage that washed ashore in Chesapeake Bay. If she had just thought to check them at Delta, she's be a free woman today.
Also in New Jersey, a professor of evangelism has published a book entitled "The Gospel According to Starbuck's." It's just like the New Testament, except in this version, Jesus turns water into a French vanilla cappuccino decaf with double half & half.
LA's Cardinal Roger "Stonewall" Mahoney said of the $660 million last-minute priest pedophile settlement: "My own testifying would not have been a problem." Then he licked himself to make sure he hadn't turned into a pillar of salt. That's rare, isn't it? A pedophile enabler licking himself.
Minnesota Democrat Keith Ellison said he erred when he compared 9/11 to the Reichtag fire in Nazi Germany. He's right. Hitler ordered the latter and Bush hasn't got the brains to have masterminded the former.
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"And so during these holiday seasons, we thanks our blessings... "
George W. Bush 12/10/2004 Ft. Belvoir, VA
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GOP Senator David "Family Values" Vitter apologized after admitting that he frequented hookers. Shocking, isn't it? A Republican getting laid by an adult heterosexual, I mean.
Atlanta Falcon quarterback Michael Vick has been charged with breeding pit bulls and executing those that failed to pass muster by gunshot, strangulation or electrocution. On a brighter note, Bob Barker's season box at Atlanta Stadium is up for sale----cheap.
New York cabs will sprout fins to promote the Discovery Channel's "Shark Week." Much like they flashed red lights during "Hooker Week."
Celeb photog Annie Leibovitz got an icy reaction from Queen Elizabeth II when she asked her to remove her tiara during a portrait shoot. Compounding Her Majesty's embarrassment, she was sitting on the throne at the time.
Osama bin Laden's son, Omar, has taken a bride. But hold the gifts. Bush and his intel brain trust can't find him, either.
O.J. Simpson celebrated his 60th birthday at a small party among friends who reported that he cut the cake himself----after sneaking up on it from behind.
_______________________________________
Catch Bob's weekly radio show "INSIDE TELEVISION" for the latest articles, celebrity profiles and interviews. The show airs on-line Thursday mornings from 8:20 to 9:00 am. PDT. On July 26, he'll be reading a chapter from his book "On The Road With Bob Hope." Hear it all on LARRS, the all-volunteer, commercial free, non-profit Los Angeles Radio Reading Service----24-hour Newsradio for the Blind, an affiliate of Minnesota's Radio Talking Book Network.
www.larrs.org
password: intelligence
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"Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix" is amassing record grosses but many longtime fans are disappointed to find that Harry's arch enemies in this one are Penn and Teller.
Housing is scarce as miners converge on eastern Arizona where a mother lode of copper has been discovered. It's so bad, the working girls are working out of a local Jiffy Lube.
The National Rifle Association successfully defeated a bill that would have granted cities access to federal gun-owner data. Whew... let this one slip by and pretty soon you've got mental defectives with nothing to hunt with.
______________________________________
FREE MEMBERSHIP: Subscribers in California, Las Vegas, Chicago, Washington, DC, New York and Boston (or those planing to visit) are invited to join Goldstar Events, a website offering drastically reduced tickets to major entertainment venues including live theater, comedy, sports, music and much more! Your FREE MEMBERSHIP includes e-mail notification of events opening near you. You'll love this online service that allows you to print your own tickets, often for about the cost of a movie! Check it out now!
https://www.goldstarevents.com/join?p=F471918RP
_______________________________________
Said Homeland Security honcho Michael Chertoff: "Just because terrorists adjust and morph despite our efforts to defeat them doesn't mean they're smarter than we are." Yes it does, Mike. Trust me.
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For the first time, Wal Mart will sell religious toys. Expected to fly off the shelves:
1) The Darwin Dartboard from Mattel.
2) Price-Fischer's "Let's Bugger an Altar Boy" that comes with an anatomically correct action figure of Cardinal Rog "Stonewall" Mahoney.
3) Blessed Virgin Mary Ring Toss (miraculous rings extra)
4) Lourdes Holy Water Super Soaker
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After undergoing extensive refurbishing, the Statue of Liberty's crown has been reopened to the public. In a related story, Liz's crown has been reopened to Annie Leibowitz.
Pope Benedict XVI will travel to New York to address the UN. Mayor Bloomberg has already ordered extra security around all the city's boy's clubs.
Louisiana has become the last state to ban cockfighting. Well, there goes Michael Vick's plan to move there.
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"In other words, I don't think people ought to be compelled to make the decision which they think is best for their family."
George W. Bush 12/15/2003 Washington, DC
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Absolut has introduced a new mango-black pepper flavored vodka to honor New Orleans. If it catches on, next they'll honor Kansas City with a stockyard/slaughter house version.
Britney Spears bought a dog in a Beverly Hills pet shop for $3,000. But it's dead already. She made the mistake of letting Michael Vick pet it.
A court in Tennessee awarded damages to students caught on a security video camera in their high school locker room. Even better news, they've all been signed for the next "College Girls Go Wild" video.
The Senate postponed voting on a bill that would put tobacco under FDA jurisdiction. One of the senators accidentally sat on the tobacco executive in his back pocket and the putrid smell quickly cleared the room.
The US has raised the reward for the capture of Osama bin Laden to $50 million. Even more enticing, Howie Mandel has agreed to inflate a condom on his head before handing over the dough.
A portrait by Renaissance painter Raphael sold at auction in London for a record $37.2 million. Later withdrawn when art experts determined that the signature was that of Sally Jesse Raphael.
Snoop Dogg is being tried in Los Angeles for possession of an illegal martial arts baton found in his luggage at LAX. The one he carries to fight off Michael Vick.
_______________________________________
Bob's book, "HOPE WRITER: My Life On The Road With Bob Hope," recounting his hilarious adventures with the legendary comedian, is now available FREE online at:
www.Hope-writer.blogspot.com
_______________________________________
Homeland Security honcho Chertoff claims to have a "gut feeling" a terrorist attack is imminent. And, as one would expect from such an unqualified nitwit, has raised the threat level from "Tagamet" to "Maalox."
The Army, struggling to meet its June recruitment goal, lowered the bar yet again and accepted convicted felons. May not mean much to you, but Scooter Libby is ecstatic.
Manuel Noriega is scheduled to be released from prison in September. What more could the Army ask for? He'll even provide his own uniform.
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"We're spending money on clean coal technology. Do you realize we've got 250 million years of coal?
George W. Bush 6/13/2001 Washington DC
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Hamburg, Germany is planning a memorial honoring the birthplace of the Beatles. Not to be outdone, Tokyo will honor the spot where Yoko Ono first tried to break them up.
Believed to be the first evidence of Mexican food, five perfectly preserved, pre-Columbian chili peppers were found in a southern Mexico cave. With their "Taco Bell" wrappers still around them.
Victor Willis, the cop with the 80's group "The Village People" who popularized "In the Navy" and "YMCA," is planning a worldwide tour in which he'll come on stage riding his motorcycle. He even has an opening act if Milli can talk Vanilli into reuniting.
_______________________________________
FREE MEMBERSHIP: Subscribers in California, Las Vegas, Chicago, Washington, DC, New York and Boston (or those planing to visit) are invited to join Goldstar Events, a website offering drastically reduced tickets to major entertainment venues including live theater, comedy, sports, music and much more! Your FREE MEMBERSHIP includes e-mail notification of events opening near you. You'll love this online service that allows you to print your own tickets, often for about the cost of a movie! Check it out now!
https://www.goldstarevents.com/join?p=F471918RP
_______________________________________
Responding to dismal second quarter sales figures, Liz Claiborne will cut 800 jobs. Even worse, she's slashing 1600 pounds of runway models----almost all 20 of them.
Six members of Chile's Olympic soccer team are charged with trashing their Puerto Ordaz, Venuzuela hotel room. On a positive training note however, they dropped kicked their plasma TV through the 25th story window without hitting the sill.
The frozen remains of a young wooly mammoth believed to be 10,000 years old was found in northern Siberia. Paleontologists theorize it was fatally injured during the popular Neanderthal annual celebration, the "Running of the Mammoths."
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"No question the enemy has tried to spread sectarian violence. They use violence as a tool to do that."
George W. Bush 3/22/2006 Washington, DC
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A global poll of 100 million voters chose new "Wonders of the World" including the Roman Coliseum, Taj Mahal and Rio's Christ the Redeemer statue. Barely missing the cut were the Ronal Reagan Museum, Caesar's Palace Hotel & Casino and Rosie O'Donnell.
Rejecting settlement offers of close to $1 billion, plaintiff's in LA's pedophile priest cases have opted to proceed to trial. The noose slowly tightening around his neck, Cardinal "Stonewall" Mahoney is rumored to be seeking legal advice from Phil Spector.
Merriam-Webster has added 100 new words to its Collegiate Dictionary including "Bollywood----the Indian film industry, "sudoku"----a popular number puzzle and "IED"----improvised explosive device. Barely escaping inclusion were "hasselhoffing"----the act of eating a cheeseburger and "rove"----to cause unimaginable harm without personal accountability.
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Bob's book, "HOPE WRITER: My Life On The Road With Bob Hope," recounting his hilarious adventures with the legendary comedian, is now available FREE online at:
www.Hope-writer.blogspot.com
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Catch Bob's weekly radio show "INSIDE TELEVISION" for the latest articles, celebrity profiles and interviews from leading print media sources including The New Yorker, The Los Angeles Times and USA Today. The show airs on-line Thursday mornings from 8:20 to 9:00 am. PST. Hear it all on LARRS, the all-volunteer, commercial free, non-profit Los Angeles Radio Reading Service----24-hour Newsradio for the Blind, an affiliate of Minnesota's Radio Talking Book Network.
www.larrs.org
password: intelligence
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Civilian contractors now outnumber US troops in Iraq. Kind of gives a whole new meaning to the term "can't buy a victory" doesn't it? If you can't support our troops, will you at least support our contractors?
McCain visits Iraq, meets with Iraqi prime minister and coalition military leaders. But despite the senator's best efforts, they still think the war was a mistake.
All but broke, McCain has canned between 50 and 100 staffers. Rumors persist that he's privately asked Bush to cummute his campaign.
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"You're free. And freedom is beautiful. And, you know, it will take time to restore chaos and order----order out of chaos. But we will."
George W. Bush 4/13/2003 Washington, DC
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After commuting Liddy's prison sentence, Bush says he hasn't ruled out a full pardon. And not just for Liddy----he may include Ann Coulter, too.
Those terrorist plots in London and Glasgow involved doctors and medical students. Authorities now believe they may have been in training for employment with HMO's.
Bill Clinton flew to Ohio to lend Hil his fund-raising skills. But it wasn't easy. She had to outbid Obama and Dennis Kucinich.
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Bob's book, "HOPE WRITER: My Life On The Road With Bob Hope," recounting his hilarious adventures with the legendary comedian, is now available FREE online at:
www.Hope-writer.blogspot.com
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Los Angeles mayor Antonio Villaraigosa has admitted having an affair with a Telemundo anchor gal. LA is getting more like San Francisco all the time.
Corporate giant Blackstone Group has agreed to buy Hilton Hotel Corp. for $26 billion. The announcement was delayed so as not to conflict with Paris's release from stir.
Negotiations to avert a strike of Los Angeles supermarket workers have broken down. Problem seems to be management's rule limiting checkout clerks to fourteen demands or fewer.
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FREE MEMBERSHIP:
P: Subscribers in California, Las Vegas, Chicago, Washington, DC, New York and Boston (or those planing to visit) are invited to join Goldstar Events, a website offering drastically reduced tickets to major entertainment venues including live theater, comedy, sports, music and much more! Your FREE MEMBERSHIP includes e-mail notification of events opening near you. You'll love this online service that allows you to print your own tickets, often for about the cost of a movie! Check it out now!
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_______________________________________
The Swiss boat Alinghi defeated New Zealand's boat to capture the America's Cup. The Aucklanders cried foul when they learned that three Swiss crewmen are bodyguards for the pope who christened the Alinghi with holy water from Lourdes.
June auto sales for General Motors fell 21.7% while Nissan's were up 22%. The USS Missouri is being taken out of mothballs for the formal surrender ceremony.
A Navy commander at Annapolis is charged with taping a porn video using cadets and their girlfriends. The video was to be called "Debbie Does the USS Dallas."
_______________________________________
Catch Bob's weekly radio show "INSIDE TELEVISION" for the latest articles, celebrity profiles and interviews from leading print media sources including The New Yorker, The Los Angeles Times and USA Today. The show airs on-line Thursday mornings from 8:20 to 9:00 am. PST. Hear it all on LARRS, the all-volunteer, commercial free, non-profit Los Angeles Radio Reading Service----24-hour Newsradio for the Blind, an affiliate of Minnesota's Radio Talking Book Network.
www.larrs.org
password: intelligence
_______________________________________
The Harlem Globetrotters have signed China's 7ft. 9 in. Sun Ming Ming. He'll be disassembled and shipped to the US in sections.
Michael Jackson is shopping for a vacation home on Maryland's posh Eastern Shores. Preferably near a school, day care center, Boy Scout clubhouse or Little League ballfield.
Al Gore's son, Al III, was arrested in Anaheim, CA and charged with speeding after being clocked driving 37 mph over the speed limit. But after a recount, police awarded the arrest to Jenna Bush.
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"We discussed the way forward in Iraq, discussed the importance of a democracy in the greater Middle East in order to leave behind a peaceful tomorrow."
George W. Bush 5/10/2005 Tbilisi, Georgia
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An Army National Guard spokesman credits improved recruiting stats to "more visits to high schools, NASCAR races and shopping malls." Not to mention trailer parks, tattoo parlors, pool halls, bowling alleys, truck pulls, demolition derbies, wrestling matches and lines waiting to get into "The Jerry Springer Show."
Last year, consumers spent $2.8 billion on fragrances named after celebrities. Most popular was Paris Hilton's "Holding Cell" for women and David Hasselhoff's "Cheeseburger" for men.
Reversing itself for the first time in over 60 years, the Supreme Court has agreed to reconsider the constitutionality of detaining terrorist suspects at Guantanamo. Most likely to shut it down before Rumsfeld, Chaney and Rice face a war crimes trial.
In a clear rebuke of US policy toward Israel, a Palestinian TV children's show killed off a Mickey Mouse lookalike. Worse, the deed was done by a Phil Spector lookalike.
The Chinese government has passed strict laws allowing Chinese factory workers to join unions. Executives at WalMart had no comment.
_______________________________________
Catch Bob's weekly radio show "INSIDE TELEVISION" for the latest articles, celebrity profiles and interviews from leading print media sources including The New Yorker, The Los Angeles Times and USA Today. The show airs on-line Thursday mornings from 8:20 to 9:00 am. PST. Hear it all on LARRS, the all-volunteer, commercial free, non-profit Los Angeles Radio Reading Service----24-hour Newsradio for the Blind, an affiliate of Minnesota's Radio Talking Book Network.
www.larrs.org password: intelligence
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Archeologists have concluded that cats were first domesticated about 10,000 years ago. Strongest evidence: a 10,000 year old couch with shredded arms.
Michael Moore's "Sicko" turns up the heat on the sorry state of medical care in the US. Not surprisingly, Mike's HMO just notified him that his coverage isn't as permanente as he thought it was.
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"You teach a child to read and he or her will be able to pass a literacy test."
George W.Bush 2/21/2001 Townsend, TN
_______________________________________
FREE MEMBERSHIP: Subscribers in California, Las Vegas, Chicago, Washington, DC, New York and Boston (or those planing to visit) are invited to join Goldstar Events, a website offering drastically reduced tickets to major entertainment venues including live theater, comedy, sports, music and much more! Your FREE MEMBERSHIP includes e-mail notification of events opening near you. You'll love this online service that allows you to print your own tickets, often for about the cost of a movie! Check it out now!
https://www.goldstarevents.com/join?p=F471918RP
_______________________________________
Pope Benedict XVI has reinstated the 16th century Tridentine Mass. Which he promises will provide the faithful with a wider selection of ecclesiastical mumbo and greatly updated litergical jumbo.
A disappointing "Evan Almighty" which cost about $160 million, opened to a paltry $31.2 million. Ted Haggart reportedly has asked to be removed from the credits as "Biblical Gay Reference Consultant."
The American bald eagle has been removed from the Endangered Species List. Except, of course, the one on the presidential seal.
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"I've coined new words, like 'misunderstanding' and 'Hispanically'."
George W. Bush 3/29/2001 Washington, DC
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Bob's book, "HOPE WRITER: My Life On The Road With Bob Hope," recounting his hilarious adventures with the legendary comedian, is now available FREE online at:
www.Hope-writer.blogspot.com
_______________________________________
"Oceans Thirteen" boasts high-tech gagetry, sumptuous sets and witty banter but can't overcome Ellen Barkin's femme fatale which is so un-fatale she's rumored to be searching for another rich guy to marry.
Mel Brooks' "Young Frankenstein," opening on Broadway in November, will top out at $450 a ticket. But in all fairness to Mel, that includes a tank of gas to help you get to the Helen Hayes.
An aerial survey shows that a 2-mile fence along the US-Mexican border is ten feet into Mexico----will take $3.5 million to correct. On the plus side, the project will employ 750,000 illegal immigrants.
A Longtime Bob Hope Joke Writer Presents Daily Insightful Topical Satire Of Current Events (Illustrated) Plus Rare Photos From Hollywood's Bygone Era And Excerpts From THE LAUGH MAKERS By Robert L. Mills -- Color Photos From the Book and Rare Classic Vintage Video Clips! Send Your Show Biz Questions to "ASK BOB" at: TheLaughMakers@GMail.com
;
Thursday, June 28, 2007 (1648 PST)
TO RECEIVE E-MAIL UPDATES OF THIS BLOG, SEND A BLANK MESSAGE TO: Funnysideup-subscribe@topica.com
Radio Alert! Catch Bob Mills as Willie Nelson singing "On the Road Again" and "Georgia On My Mind" tomorrow morning -- 0820 PST to 0900 PST on LARRS, the LA Reading Service for the Blind and Print Impared. Streamed live at: www.larrs.org password: independent
Also, catch Bob's weekly show "Inside Television" every Thursday at 0820 PST to 0900 PST.
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Said David Cullkeller, senior US counter-intelligence advisor: "We haven't turned the tide. We haven't turned the corner. There isn't a light at the end of the tunnel. What we have done is take a failing enterprise and put it on a sound, long-term footing." Can you believe these guys actually get paid to come up with bullshit like this?
Forty-four year old Evander Holyfield will fight Lou Saverese, 41, Saturday in El Paso. Under Texas Boxing Commission requirements, there will be a "three heart defibrilations" rule in effect.
CT scans have confirmed archeologists' suspicions that a mummy found in Egypt is the female pharaoh, Hatshepsut. Correcting earlier reports that it was Cher.
Newly released documents disclose that the CIA bugged Dan Rowan's telephone at the request of mobster Sam Giancana who suspected Dan was fooling around with his girlfriend. Instead, they caught Dan psychologically abusing Goldie Hawn.
_______________________________________
FREE MEMBERSHIP: Subscribers in California, Las Vegas, Chicago, Washington, DC, New York and Boston (or those planing to visit) are invited to join Goldstar Events, a website offering drastically reduced tickets to major entertainment venues including live theater, comedy, sports, music and much more! Your FREE MEMBERSHIP includes e-mail notification of events opening near you. You'll love this online service that allows you to print your own tickets, often for about the cost of a movie! Check it out now!
https://www.goldstarevents.com/join?p=F471918RP
_______________________________________
The Vatican has issued "Guidelines for the sanctification of auto travel." Which include these caveats:
1) Never refer to a "used car." The proper designation is "born again car."
2) The only "safe" carpooling is abstinence.
3) Limit your obscene hand gestures to Protestants, Jews, Muslims, Buddists and atheists.
4) Vatican-approved bumper stickers:
a) Support Intelligent Interior Design
b) Darwin----My Ass!
c) Make War, Not Sister Immaculata
d) Ask Me About Transubstantiation
e) I'd Rather Be Infallible Than President
f) I Brake For Pedophile Priests
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Air-Tran is sponsoring a free wedding contest at the Viva Las Vegas wedding chapel that includes three nights at the Venetian Hotel, a rental car and a quickie divorce.
According to a recent survey, the average Brit consumes eighteen and a half pounds of chocolate yearly. Eighteen is also their average tooth count. Coincidence?
The remains of a giant penguin that lived 40 million years ago were found in Peru. Archelogists became curious after a farmer unearthed several huge tuxedoes.
Anthropologists in Leipzig, Germany are using DNA samples to construct a new model of Neanderthal man. To replace the statue of George W. Bush they've been using.
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"Amnesty means that you've got to pay a price for having been here illegally and this bill does that."
George W. Bush 6/26/2007 Washington, DC
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Producers of "The Price is Right" have passed on Rosie O'Donnell to replace Bob Barker. Seems Rosie's price wasn't right.
The Spanish Olympic Committee has appealed for suggestions to add lyrics to their national anthem. "La Cucaracha" sounds so hokey on the medal winners platform.
Pope Benedict XVI has changed the rule on papal election balloting, reinstating the 2/3 majority requirement. The rules on campaign financing remain unchanged.
Israel has launched its first professional baseball league. Recently overheard at Yashiva Stadium:
1) "I can't change the roster, ump. It's on a stone tablet."
2) "You've lost your stuff, Sol. Get off the mount."
3) "Time for a little pepper. Get the matzo balls."
4) "Anyone stealing a base is entitled to guilt counseling."
5) "Some son. He never calls. He never writes. He never bunts."
6) "It's going... going... it's a home run over the wailing wall!"
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"I'm honored to shake the hand of a brave Iraqi citizen who had his hand cut off by Saddam Hussein."
George W. Bush 5/25/2004 Washington, DC
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Bob's book, "HOPE WRITER: My Life On The Road With Bob Hope," recounting his hilarious adventures with the legendary comedian, is now available FREE online at:
www.Hope-writer.blogspot.com
_______________________________________
Tony Blair will meet with the pope this week to begin steps, some say, to convert. Makes sense. Without Bush, he'll need a new lap.
Tiger Woods has signed a new endorsement contract with General Motors. Same day, ironically, John Daly's wife signed with Ginzu Knives of Tokyo.
Rosie O'Donnell says she's been offered Bob Barker's old job on "The Price Is Right." Actually, the job offer was as a large kitchen appliances model.
For the first time, the US released a list of hospital heart-related death rates. Mainly so Cheney can plan his vacation.
Bush hosted Vietnam president Nguyen Minh Triet for talks at the White House. They discussed the future of nuclear proliferation, CO2 emissions and Jane Fonda.
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"The Bob Jones policy on interracial dating----I spoke against that. I spoke out against interracial dating. I support the policy of interracial dating."
George W. Bush 2/25/2000 CBS News
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Paris Hilton is scheduled to be released from jail on Tuesday. At which time she'll be given the traditional $30 suit and $10 cash to start a new life.
She told reporters "I spent my time staring at the ceiling." Isn't that what got her in hot water in the first place?
New survey shows that only 18% of Americans have confidence in Congress. Worse, only 13% have confidence in Dr. Laura.
Jimmy Kimmel underwent an emergency appendectomy. Turned out to be an impacted Sarah Silverman.
____________________________________________
F R E E M E M B E R S H I P: Subscribers in California, Las Vegas, Chicago, Washington, DC, New York and Boston (or those planing to visit) are invited to join Goldstar Events, a website offering drastically reduced tickets to major entertainment venues including live theater, comedy, sports, music and much more! Your FREE MEMBERSHIP includes e-mail notification of events opening near you. You'll love this online service that allows you to print your own tickets, often for about the cost of a movie! Check it out now!
https://www.goldstarevents.com/join?p=F471918RP
____________________________________________
Thousands of Muslims in Britain protested the announcement of a knighthood for Salman Rushdie. On the grounds that he's nowhere near as qualified as Elton John.
New York mayor Bloomberg ankles GOP, may run as an independent. Can you say Ross Perot?
Army claims widespread discussion of "surge" tipped al Qaeda and doomed Baghdad offensive "Operation Together Forward" to failure. Formerly called "Operation Save Bush's Legacy."
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"You took an oath to defend our flag and our freedom, and you kept that oath underseas and under fire."
George W.Bush 1/10/2006 Washington, DC
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The Pentagon has asked for 4.9 million national park acres to "practice battlefield technology." Isn't that called "martial law"?
Mistakenly called Iwo Jima by Japanese naval officers in 1944, site of WWII battle is renamed "Iwo Ito." May not mean much to you, but Clint Eastwood is beside himself.
Tom Cruise says he's now qualified to perform Scientology marriages. Run for your lives! They're breeding!
Lawmakers celebrated "Seersucker Thursday," a tradition started by Trent Lot. Not to be confused with Scooter Libby's "Orange Jumpsuit Day."
(Photo Caption) Celebrants blow ancient horns during annual pagan soltice festival at Stonehenge. Following which they pulverized a pinata of Camilla Parker Bowles.
Fred Thompson has decided to make a run for the Oval Office----apparently believing that at least once every century, Americans deserve a right wing hack actor in the White House.
NASA Chief Michael Griffin says he's not convinced that global warming is "a long term concern." This, you'll recall, is the same guy who thought Lisa Nowak could get by without industrial strength Huggies.
Lindsay Lohan was arrested for DUI after plowing her Mercedes into a Hollywood hedge. She may beat the rap, though. Witnesses say she swerved to avoid a mini-van being driven by Britney Spears' baby.
"Explosively formed penetrators," being used to destroy the Army's new armoured vehicles in Iraq, can pierce five inches of steel. Which, when you think about it, means they have a better exit strategy than Bush.
Bush has appointed Lt. General Douglas Lute as the new "War Czar." Who, much like the "Drug Czar" who preceded him, will try to sell the public on a doomed-from-the-start program to "Just Say No" to getting the hell out of Iraq.
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"I was not pleased that Hamas has refused to announce its desire to destroy Israel."
George W. Bush 5/4/2006 Washington, DC
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Customs officers at the Cairo airport arrested a man carrying 700 snakes including two cobras. Thanks to "Slinky," their drug-sniffing mongoose.
Illionois has banned the slaughter of horses for food. Pretty much scuttling the planned summer debut of the "McWhinny Burger."
The world's oldest camera, made in 1839, sold at auction in Vienna for $800,000. It has one pixel.
Pope Benedict XVI is seriously considering reviving the Latin mass, dropped by Vatican II. If this proves to be popular among the laity, next he may bring back burning at the stake.
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Bob's book, "HOPE WRITER: My Life On The Road With Bob Hope," recounting his hilarious adventures with the legendary comedian, is now available FREE online at:
www.Hope-writer.blogspot.com
_______________________________________
Newly released from prison, Dr. jack Kevorkian is vowing to help legalize physian-assisted suicide. Not to be confused with the perfectly legal "Pentagon-assisted suicide" now being practiced in Iraq.
The new "Creation Museum" in Petersburg, Kentucky features a replica of Noah's Ark with animals including dinosaurs. Along with a lifesized statue of Charles Darwin whom they identify as the author of "A Tale of Two Cities."
Scientists announced the discovery of a new lizard species in eastern India that looks like a snake without legs. Snakes and lizards are not related, the former being descended from lawyers and the latter from tobacco company executives.
The Alabama Legislature passed a law apologizing for slavery. Which may explain the overwhelming demand for white sheets at Mobile's Bed, Bath & Beyond.
For the first time in 28 years, the US and Iran have begun delicate negotiations to ease tensions in Iraq. If successful, next they'll try to restore diplomatic relations between Rosie O'Donnell and Elizabeth Hasselbeck.
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"That's called 'A Charge To Keep,' based upon a religious hymn. The hymn talks about serving God. The president's job is never to promote a religion."
George W. Bush 5/5/2006 Washington, DC
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Kobe Bryant to the Los Angeles Lakers: "I want out of my contract." Mrs. Bryant to Kobe: "Not so fast, Diamond Ring Boy."
____________________________________________
F R E E M E M B E R S H I P: Subscribers in California, Las Vegas, Chicago, Washington, DC, New York and Boston (or those planing to visit) are invited to join Goldstar Events, a website offering drastically reduced tickets to major entertainment venues including live theater, comedy, sports, music and much more! Your FREE MEMBERSHIP includes e-mail notification of events opening near you. You'll love this online service that allows you to print your own tickets, often for about the cost of a movie! Check it out now!
https://www.goldstarevents.com/join?p=F471918RP
____________________________________________
ATTENTION WORLD TRAVELERS!
On Sunday, the author is off to China to tour Beijing, Xian, Chongqing, and by riverboat, Fengdu, Qutang, Jingzhou, Dongting Lake, Wuhan, Jingdezhen, Mt. Jiu Hua, Nanjing, Suzhou and Shanghai. Anyone with tips or info regarding these exotic ports o' call is urged to forward same to: Jokesmith@peoplepc.com
Your help will be much appreciated!
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The arrival of the USS Wasp in New York Harbor marks the start of "Fleet Week" that features half priced hookers, complimentary tattoos and 21-hand gesture salutes from NY cabbies.
Shrek III captured $122 million on its opening weekend, a record for an animated film. Entomologists were stunned. They had no idea that ogres fed on spiders.
A pornography crackdown in China has shuttered 13,000 smut shops. Authorities became suspicious by a menu item that read "With #3, you get Paris Hilton."
China has entered its first float in the Pasadena Rose Parade----a perfect knockoff of a float they saw in the Mardi Gras Parade.
The Army has asked for $20 billion to purchase new, safer "MRAP's," Mine Resistant Ambush Protected vehicles. Not to be confused with the vehicles in current use, "MFDT's," Mine Friendly Death Traps.
A survey shows that per acre land values in Las Vegas have topped $40 million. Which makes it the most expensive pile of sand in the world----not counting Iraq.
The $592 million, 104 acre US Embassy in Baghdad is scheduled to open in September. Allen & Rossi will headline in the Fallujah Room.
Three mortar rounds exploded near Tony Blair during his visit to Baghdad's Green Zone. It's not easy being a Green Zone.
A general in Iraq said the insurgents are catching on to to US tactics and fled ahead of raids launched to capture them. Oh, oh----now we're in trouble.
Jimmy Carter called Bush "the worst president in US history," but Bush was unfazed, telling an aide "Martin Sheen is."
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"They didn't think we were a nation that could conceivably sacrifice for something greater than our self----that we were soft, that we were so self-absorbed and so materialistic that we wouldn't defend anything we believed in. My were they wrong. They were just reading the wrong magazine or watching the wrong Springer show."
George W. Bush 3/12/2002 Washington, DC
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Cincinnati Bengal linebacker A.J. Nicholson was charged with assaulting his girlfriend. A charge of impersonating an HBO executive was dropped.
Utah Jazz point guard Deron Williams has "No Guts" tattooed on one arm and "No Glory" on the other. On the plus side, no misspellings.
Despite protests from animal rights groups, the LA Dodgers will continue selling Farmer John Dodger Dogs, avoiding a deal that would have traded them for Nathan's Famous and a Polish sausage to be named later.
US Census Bureau reports that by 2011, 10,000 people a day will turn 65, prompting CBS to order 5000 more "Murder She Wrote" reruns.
Congress will require airlines to provide stranded passengers with food, water, medical care and, in the case of JetBlue, a fitness coach after twelve hours on the tarmac.
Sharpton apologized after saying "Those who really believe in God will defeat Romney." Al has never forgiven the Mormons for giving us Donny & Marie.
Paula Abdul broke her nose after stumbling over one of her chihuahuas. She wasn't sure whether it was "Simon" or "Cowell."
Paris Hilton was named #1 on Forbes Hot Billionaire
Heiresses List----ironically, the same week she was named Top Fugitive by "America's Most Wanted."
____________________________________________
F R E E M E M B E R S H I P: Subscribers in California, Las Vegas, Chicago, Washington, DC, New York and Boston (or those planing to visit) are invited to join Goldstar Events, a website offering drastically reduced tickets to major entertainment venues including live theater, comedy, sports, music and much more! Your FREE MEMBERSHIP includes e-mail notification of events opening near you. You'll love this online service that allows you to print your own tickets, often for about the cost of a movie! Check it out now!
https://www.goldstarevents.com/join?p=F471918RP
____________________________________________
"Reagan Diaries" was released in bookstores, triggering a campaign by supporters to have it named America's Official National Journal and placed on permanent display in the Capital Rotunda.
Britney Spears was ejected from an airline flight after complaining about the lack of leather seats. She doesn't much care for cloth panties, either.
SkyBus Airlines has launched a "no frills" service with 14 jets. To reduce equipment costs, a sideshow freak guesses the weight of your luggage.
The autobiography of George Forman is called "God In My Corner." Probably that cut man who never had to use stitches.
"Addams Family: The Musical" will debut on Broadway in 2009. Buzz is that it's a cross between "Phantom of the Opera" and "The Sound of Music."
New evidence has been uncovered that indicates Abraham Lincoln may have delivered the Gettysburg Address while suffering from smallpox. "Fourscore and seven" may have been a reference to his temperature.
A Mexican cardinal testified in a priest pedophile lawsuit that Catholic bishops and cardinals concealed sexual preditors from the public, using code phrases such as "family and health problems." A personal favorite of Mahoney's was "Ocular perceptionis digitus," Latin for "Keep an eye on this guy's hands."
Prince Harry won't be deployed to Iraq after all. According to a reliable Palace source, he called the White House last week, got a few phone numbers from Bush and viola!----he's now a pilot in London's Air National Guard.
Britain's legendary spy agency MI-5 is seeking more qualified females to fill their ranks. They decided they needed more gals after Miss Moneypenny went into deep cover and caught Andrew Lloyd Webber slipping military troop locations to al Qaeda hidden in coded lyrics.
Lame duck Blair paid a final visit to lame duck Bush, during which both posed for effigy figures that will be hung and burned during next summer's anti-Iraq war rallies at American and British embassies throughout the world.
Falwell's sudden exit wasn't entirely unexpected as the corpulent spiritualist suffered from long-standing heart disease and hypertention for which his doctors had prescribed a strict, pillar-of-salt free diet.
Not that life-saving efforts weren't employed. Pat Robertson immediately performed wallet-to-wallet resuscitation which, alas, proved futile.
Sky pilot colleagues and fellow ecclesiastics from all over the world attended the memorial service in Lynchburg with Jim Bakker, Larry Flynt and four Teletubbies acting as pallbearers.
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"The march to war hurt the economy. Laura reminded me awhile ago that remember what was on the TV screens----she calls me, 'George W.'----I call her 'First Lady.' No, anyway----she said, we said, march to war on our TV screen."
George W. Bush 3/3/2004 Bay Shore, NY
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Sharper Image is now marketing gourmet meat under the Donald Trump label. Prime rib cuts are available in three sizes: "Queen," "King" and "Rosie O'Donnell."
Said an Army general in Kirkuk, "The US military hopes to sooth public anger by making an extraordinary effort to repair damage caused by explosions... " Which the Pentagon likes to call "urban redevelopment."
The Pentagon has cut off access by US troops to MySpace, You Tube, MTV.com and Photo Bucket. However, they're still allowed to sell parts of blown up equipment on e-Bay.
Notre Dame, Duke and the University of Virginia are among colleges offering alumni internment in campus cemeteries. Spotted on a headstone at Duke's Eternal Quad "I finally found a parking space."
Faced with FAA rules that call for mandatory retirement upon reaching 60, commercial pilots are seeking employment with foreign carriers that are subject to no such rules. The current favorite among the graying jet jockies is Virgin Island-based "Viagra Air."
Disgraced House speaker Newt Gingrich told reporters that a presidential bid in '08 is "a great possibility." Right now he's torn between an expensive campaign or an equally expensive extramarital affair.
Bush has appointed Lt. General Douglas Lute as the country's first "war czar" whose duties will primarily involve coming up with a term more acceptable to the American public than "surrender."
Harper Collins has announced that it will publish the autobiography of Clarence Thomas in October. It comes with a CD of Clarence's historic judicial pronouncements during oral arguments----blank at the moment but maybe between now and October...
O.J. Simpson is claiming racial discrimination after being ejected from Jeff Ruby's Steakhouse in Louisville, KY. Seems he insisted on slaughtering his own steer.
Several squirrels captured in Colorado tested positive for the Black Plague. Animal control officers were alerted when two of them were spotted loading the body of a third one onto an ox cart.
A fast-moving brushfire on Catalina Island threatened to destroy the famed Avalon Ballroom, scorching a nearby cornfield planted by Lawrence Welk.
The LA Sheriff says Paris could, with credit for good behavior, serve as little as 29 days. Hey, it's not the days that worry her----it's those interminable nights.
A new R rating for movies includes tobacco use. From now on, if a guy fires up a cigar, he'd better be torturing an Arab.
The Iraqi Parliament will vacation during July and August. Most of them have reservations at Fallujah's popular "Club Dead."
A Pentagon report shows that 40% of US troops in Iraq condone torture and would, given the opportunity, waterboard Bush, Cheney and Rumsfeld.
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BOB ON THE RADIO: This Tuesday, May 15 at 3 to 4 pm Pacific, catch Bob co-hosting "Access Unlimited" on LA's KPFK fm (90.7). The program is also streamed live at www.kpfk.org.
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In Sao Paulo, the pope sat on a red and gold throne watching a parade of samba dancers----in honor of his Brazilian hosts, dressed as Joe Carioca.
Later, Ben cononized Brazil's first saint, Antonia Galvao, better known to American movie-goers as Antonio Bandares.
CBS bids "The Price Is Right" farewell after 51 years on the air. The final trio of contestants had to guess the price of Bob Barker's walker.
Olympic bad boy skier Bode Miller has quit the US team. He'll do okay, though. John Daly has offered to teach him golf.
HBO fired CEO Chris Albrecht after Las Vegas police arrested him for assault and battery. Best guess is, Chris will produce HBO's summer series "Curb Your Enthusiasm For Beating Up Your Girlfriend."
Clint Eastwood has been awarded an honorary degree from USC----a doctorate of Humane Letters from Iwo Jima.
According to the GAO, 300,000 barrels of Iraqi oil have disappeared over the past four years. Major problem for Halliburton appears to be how to get them back here.
Cheney did some sword rattling on the deck of the carrier John C. Stennis off the coast of Iran. During his speech, a short in his pacemaker accidentally launched three F-16's.
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"Wow! Brazil is BIG!"
George W. Bush 10/6/2005 Looking at a map of South America
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British Prime Minister-in-waiting, Gordon Brown, is trying to convince Brits that his position as Chancellor of the Exchequer qualifies him for the post. Lately, most of his duties have involved keeping Prince Harry out of the pubs.
Britain's Queen Liz II capped her 6-day US visit hosting a dinner for Bush. Following which, she presented him with a diamond-encrusted replica of the monarchy's Imperial Seal and he gave her an honorary membership on the girls basketball team at Rutgers.
The previous night, Elizabeth Hasselbeck was a guest at the White House State Dinner. On arrival, she waved at Rosie and Joy Behar who were parking limos in the West Wing lot.
Earlier in the day, Helen Mirren turned down an invitation to have lunch with Liz. Seems it conflicted with her weekly mahjong game.
A record 85% voter turnout elected conservative Nicolas Sarkozy as president of France. He'll immediately assume Tony Blair's former spot on Bush's lap.
A "Free Paris" movement has been launched to petition Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger to commute Paris Hilton's jail sentence scheduled to begin on June 5. Several factors favor a commutation:
1) The Pampered Heiress Cell Block is filled to capacity.
2) Sleeping until noon is allowed only in solitary.
3) Would ruin any chance she might have had to replace Rosie.
4) Warden is partial to Marriott Hotels.
5) Martha Stewart's bitch is already taken.
A '69 Dodge Charger used on "The Dukes of Hazard" sold for a record $10 million on E-Bay. It came with an unused car seat that once belonged to Britney Spears' baby.
Evander Holyfield, 44, will fight Lou Savarese on June 30 in El Paso. The "three knockdown" rule will be in effect, with special consideration for strokes.
Hillary Clinton is being pressured to return an $800,000
campaign contribution from rapper Timbaland, whose latest album is studded with references to "bitches," "ho's" and "mofo's." Hil claims she thought he was referring to White House interns.
The Archieves of Pediatrics reports that 40% of 3-month old toddlers regularly watch television. More disturbing, 86% of them think it's good.
More than 200 people have paid $200,000 for a 2 1/2 hour sub-orbital space flight on Virgin Galactic. Included with the First Class ducats: Use of the VIP lounge, free headsets and NASA-designed Huggies with the Virgin logo.
Pope Benedict XVI is scheduled to make his first visit to Brazil to canonize the country's first saint. Carmen Miranda.
The British fashion chain TopShop has launched its new Kate Moss line. Which includes stone-washed blue denim cargo pants with pockets specially tailored to accomodate prescription hallucinogenics.
Congressman Dennis Kusinich has sponsored a bill to begin impreachment proceedings against Dick Cheney. Which, when you think about it, would remove him from the stressful position of being one erratic heartbeat from the presidency.
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"There was no malfeance involved. This was an honest disagreement about account procedures----there was no malfeance, no attempt to hide anything."
George W. Bush 7/8/2002 Washington DC
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Bob's book, "HOPE WRITER: My Life On The Road With Bob Hope," recounting his hilarious adventures with the legendary comedian, is now available FREE online at:
www.Hope-writer.blogspot.com
_______________________________________
The average age of planes used by the Air Force is 23.5 years. Juggle the numbers and you get the average age of stewardesses on Delta----53.2.
David Hasselhoff has lost visitation rights to his teen girls. And, if he wants to speak to them by phone, he has to go through Alec Baldwin.
The FBI intercepted a plot by Islamic radicals to attack soldiers training at Ft. Dix. As we all know, placing soldiers in harm's way is the Pentagon's job.
TOM POSTON 1922-2007
Latinos gathered to celebrate Cinco de Mayo in LA's McArthur Park. Or, as the LAPD calls it, "the practice range."
A new Gallup survey shows that 29% of TV viewers have a negative view of Katie Couric. On a brighter note, it's the same 29% who LIKE Bush.
Hillary Clinton will co-sponsor a bill to revoke Bush's war powers. Using techniques she learned while neutralizing Bill.
There is no truth to the rumor that David Hasselhoff has been hired as a spokesperson for In-N-Out Burger.
The late Cardinals pitcher Josh Hancock was legally drunk, had marijuana in the car, wasn't wearing a seat belt and was on his cell phone when he plowed into a tow truck. If that wasn't stupid enough, he was talking to Paris Hilton.
Mitt Romney's camp admits they pay college students a commission for every campaign contributor recruited on campus. They get a bonus if the contributors ever heard of Joseph Smith.
Cheney has had four coronaries, two angioplasties and quadruple bypass surgery. And he thought he had heart problems BEFORE Tenet drove a stake through it.
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"My pan plays down an unprecedented amount of our national debt."
George W. Bush 2/27/2001 Addressing Congress
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Donors of $75 to McCain's campaign receive a complimentary mouse pad with a picture of the Senator on it. Unfortunately, it's the one of him undergoing a colonoscopy.
Obama is the first presidential candidate to receive Secret Service protection. Even though the Clinton campaign signed a pledge not to have him whacked.
The 98% white Cleveland Bar Association has launched a program to educate blacks on the Constitution, civil rights and social studies and already it's paying off. They've signed seven of them to NBA contracts.
Queen Elizabeth kicked off her week-long American tour by addressing the Virginia Legislature. Yes, Virginia, there is a queen.
Ten GOP presidential hopefuls held an ersatz "debate" at the Reagan Library. From behind, some viewers thought they were watching the Kentucky Derby.
Don Imus is suing CBS for $120 million, claiming breach of contract. Seems his new salary announcing womens basketball at Rutgers isn't cutting it.
Cheney is set to visit Saudi Arabia, Egypt, Jordan and the United Arab Emirates. The only Middle East countries he hasn't shot anybody in yet.
The Cleveland Browns choice in the third round of the NFL draft pick was Wisconsin's offensive tackle, Joe Thomas. Affectionately known among his fellow pro draftees as "Who's the white guy?"
Texas has become the first state to randomly test high school athletes for steroids. With particular emphasis on San Antonio's Barry Bonds Middle School.
Queen Elizabeth will attend the Kentucky Derby this weekend. Contrary to rumors, she's not going just because she was told Camilla Parker Bowles is in it.
The Vatican has announced that Pope Benedict XVI will visit New York City. Mayor Bloomberg has placed all altar boys in Manhattan under 24-hour police guard.
Tony Snow told his class reunion at Davidson College "God hasn't promised us tomorrow but He has promised us eternity." George W. Bush only makes it SEEM like eternity.
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"As Luce reminded me, he said, without data, without facts, without information, the discussions about public education mean that a person is just another opinion."
George W. Bush 9/9/2003 Jacksonville, Florida
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Hookers working for Washington DC madam Jeane Palfrey charged, according to police records, $300 an hour. Not bad considering they also did plumbing.
Thursday marked the annual national National Day of Prayer. There was something for everyone. Wall Street brokers paused for a minute of silence to worship the Almighty Dollar.
Hillary Rodham Clinton has announced she's dropping the "Rodham." May not mean much to you but now she has to change the monograms on 350 pant suits.
Rejected Supreme Court nominee Harriet Miers has aken a job at a private law firm. Washington's prestigious Hacks, Cronies & Duds.
British Army lieutenant Prince Harry is headed to Iraq with his tank unit. The elite 357th "Don't Shoot, He's a Royal!" Armoured Battalion.
_______________________________________
Bob's book, "HOPE WRITER: My Life On The Road With Bob Hope," recounting his hilarious adventures with the legendary comedian, is now available FREE online at:
www.Hope-writer.blogspot.com
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Four hundred hip hop moguls and rappers gathered in Chicago to discuss banning lyrics like "ho," "bitch," "mother ******, and "tits." No agreement on songs, but they did agree to censor their tattoos.
The Judge in the Phil Spector trial admonished the jury to disregard the defendant's hair. Pretty much neutralizing the defense motto: "If the wig fits, you must acquit."
Dutch police have searched the backyard of their chief suspect in the disappearance of Natalee Holloway in Aruba. While also looking for the missing career of Nancy Grace.
Iranian police have increased enforcement of laws that call for death by stoning for women convicted of adultry. Or Richard Gere for kissing in public.
Bush hosted Japan's Prime Minister Shingo Abe at Camp David. Where he signed formal surrender papers making the defeat of General Motors by Toyota official.
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"If you don't have any ambitions, the minimum-wage job isn't going to get you to where you want to get, for example. In other words, what is your ambitions? And oh, by the way, if that is your ambition, here is what it's going to take to achieve it."
George W. Bush 8/29/2002 Little Rock, Arkansas
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Alec Baldwin told "The View" that he plans to write a book on parenting. From the same publisher of last year's "Small Bird Hunting Tips" by Dick Cheney.
The British Court has charged Hugh Grant with hitting a photographer with a can of baked beans. In England, throwing food is a misdemeanor. Eating it is a felony.
Heather Mills was eliminated from "Dancing With The Stars." Nasty scene. On her way to the limo, she clubbed three ABC security guards with her----well, you know.
Rosie O'Donnell has announced she's leaving "The View." Which couldn't make Donald Trump happier. He and his lawyers are currently in negotiations to subdivide her.
Rent-A-Car founder Warren Avis has passed away at the age of 93. Despite life-saving efforts by his physicians who tried harder than Hertz's doctors did.
CBS has refused to run a Maxfli golf ball commercial that features John Daly drinking beer in a bar. Several stools from Phil Mickelson who is shown choking on a bowl of mixed nuts.
April was the deadliest month of the year for troops in Iraq. It wasn't too kind to Don Imus, either.
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"Free societies are hopeful societies. And free societies will be allies against these hateful few who have no conscience, who kill at the whim of a hat."
George W. Bush 9/17/2004 Washington, DC
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A mineral has been discovered in Serbia that contains the same elements as Superman's nemesis, Kryptonite: sodium, lithium, boron, silicate, and hydroxide. Pretty much matching the contents of Rush Limbaugh's medicine cabinet.
The Diocese of Spokane has paid $48 million to settle 150 priest sex abuse cases. Prompting Pope Benedict XVI to comment "We have a branch office in Spokane?"
Astronomers have discovered a new planet 180 trillion miles away, in the constellation Libra. To put its size in perspective, if earth were Valerie Bertinelli, it would be Kate Moss.
Police in Iran arrested 300 woman for violating Islam's strict dress code. Most were wearing t-shirts that said "I Can't Spell ABIDINAJHAD, Either."
Toyota has dethroned General Motors as the world's largest seller of automobiles. Let's take another peek at those WWII results, shall we?
_______________________________________
Bob's book, "HOPE WRITER: My Life On The Road With Bob Hope," recounting his hilarious adventures with the legendary comedian, is now available FREE online at:
www.Hope-writer.blogspot.com
_______________________________________
This year marks the 200th anniversary of the first use by a Renaissance French cartographer of the name "America" for the US. Replacing its previous title----Cleveland.
Bill Clinton's saxophone sold at a New York charity auction for $64,800. Rare because it's the only thing in the Oval Office that HE blew.
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"Trying to stop suiciders----which we're doing a pretty good job of on occasion----is difficult to do. And what the Iraqis are going to have to eventually do is convince those who are conducting suiciders who are not inspired by Al Qaeda, for example, to realize there's a peaceful tomorrow."
George W. Bush 5/24/2006 Washington, D.C.
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Tony Gonzales responded with "I don't know" seventy-one times during Senate committee hearings... For awhile there, he sounded like Kobe talking to Mrs. Bryant after a road trip.
The 100th birthday of John Wayne will be marked by celebrations in his hometown of Winterset, Iowa... Dr. Scholl has commissioned a bronze statue of the flat feet that enabled the Duke to duck the draft during World War II.
A musical version of "Spiderman" is headed for Broadway with Bono and the Edge do-re-me-ing the show... Buzz says the second act curtain will feature Spidey scaling the north side of Andrew Lloyd Webber.
US troops in Iraq have begun constructing a three mile long, 12 foot high concrete wall to separate the Sunnis from the Shiites... And it's working already. So far, they've caught 372 illegal Mexican immigrants trying to climb over it.
Sharon Osbourne has signed on as a judge on NBC's "America's Got Talent"... Which makes sense. After all, she married Ozzy and he's got plenty of----okay, bad example.
Pope Benedict XVI has issued a proclamation removing the concept of limbo for unbaptized babies from Catholic dogma... No mention was made, however, of the beach dance which will, for the time being, remain a mortal sin.
The Milwaukee School Board has approved the use of handcuffs by school security officers on students in Kindergarten and above... They stopped short, however, of replacing their Super Soakers with stun guns.
Last year, the US imported $206 million worth of diamonds from Botswana... Most of which ended up on Mrs. Bryant's finger.
Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger has halted construction of a new death chamber at San Quentin, citing excessive costs... If he really wants to save money, why not just buy the death row inmates one-way tickets to Iraq?
The TV Guide Channel has sacked Joan Rivers and her daughter, Melissa, from their annual Emmy Awards red carpet gig... But grieve not. They've already been signed to greet hack presidential candidates arriving for prayer vigils following national calamities.
Only fifteen of the nation's top 100 universities require their English majors to study Shakespeare... Which explains why 82% of them identified Hamlet as "a pejorative for Danny DeVito."
Homeland Security officials have found "rampant fraud" in a third of the visas issued to foreign "religious workers"... Blessed are the self-righteous for they shall inherit a green card.
A new word-for-word, two CD dramatic reading of the bible stars Terrance Stamp as God, Luke Perry as Judas and Marisa Tomei as Mary Magdelene... And Don Imus does a nifty turn as a nappy-headed Nubian slave.
A Volkswagen hatchback once owned by Pope Benedict XVI failed to sell on e-Bay... Potential buyers were probably turned off by his bumper-sticker: My Altar Boy Is On The Honor Roll At St. Bartholomew Elementary.
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"Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning?"
George W. Bush 1/11/2000 Columbia, South Carolina
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Benedict's new book "Jesus of Nazareth" will be published in sixteen languages... Translated from the ecclesiastical mumbo-jumbo in which he is fluent.
A surveillance video shows a Mankato, Minnesota jailer beating an inmate with a bible... The "King James Knuckle-Buster" version commissioned by the Pentagon for use at Abu Gharib.
Former Iraq war planner Paul Wolfowitz, now head of the World Bank, apologized for giving his girlfriend a huge raise... Which once again demonstrates the fundamental differences between Democrats and Republicans----Clinton didn't have to pay for it.
The fourth Indiana Jones movie will begin filming this summer with Harrison Ford again in the lead... It's called "Indiana Jones: The Search For the Missing Kidney Stones."
_______________________________________
Bob's book, "HOPE WRITER: My Life On The Road With Bob Hope," recounting his hilarious adventures with the legendary comedian, is now available FREE online at:
www.Hope-writer.blogspot.com
_______________________________________
Senator Ted Stevens has toppled Strom Thurmond's longevity record in Congress... And he went Strom one better----he did it while still alive.
Jennifer Hudson sang the Stars Spangled banner at a recent Dodgers-Padre game... Seems Roseanne Barr was unavailable.
Fear of the number 13 is called "Triskaidekaphobia"... Not to be confused with fear of the talentless, "Sanjayamalakaraphobia."
Bowing to complaints from neighbors, New York City officials may shut down the annual Italian Gennaro Festival... High point of which is the running of the Good Fellas.
Regis Philbin claims his open heart surgery has "changed his whole personality."... Probably those Simon Cowell blood transfusions.
Prince William and his girlfriend Kate Middleton have called it quits... After paparazzi snapped a nude Kate on board a yacht owned by an Arab sheik.
Woolworth's is scrapping its line of Will and Kate ceramic cups and plates... Actually, they'll be placed in storage just in case Will Farrell and Kate Hudson ever become an item.
A press photographer was fired from the Toledo Ohio Blade after admitting he digitally altered 58 photos... Tipoff for editors was his recent shot of Michael Jackson with his original nose.
Police at Atlanta's Hartsfield-Jackson Airport make an average of ten "indecent act" arrests a month in the mens restrooms... Mostly in and around the George Michael Food Court.
Cirque du Soleil will produce a new show based on the life and times of Elvis... The finale of which will feature acrobats scaling a giant lucite Fender guitar filled with multi-colored prescription hallucinogenics.
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"We look forward to hearing your vision, so we can more better do our job."
George W. Bush 9/20/2005 Gulfport, Mississippi
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Charles de Gaulle Airport has unveiled a 2.2 mile long driverless train... Amtrak runs driverless trains too----but not on purpose.
MTV is producing an American Idol type reality show called "The Road to Manudo."... First prize is a chance to audition for The Village People.
A new Pew Research poll shows that only 69% of Americans can identify a picture of Dick Cheney... About the same percentage that can identify him in a lineup following one of his "hunting" trips.
Turns out that mass killer was judged "psychologically unstable" by his college professors but was allowed to remain at large... Oh, I'm sorry----that was Bush.
The British pound has passed the $2 mark as inflation in England surges... To put this in laymens terms, it now costs Tony Blair twice as much to get hostages released.
A Harris poll shows that 24% of fans of professional sports don't approve of gay athletes... Most subscribe to a "don't ask, don't bet" policy.
Former Golden Girl Rue McClanahan's autobiography is entitled "My First Five Husbands"... Three of whom were Larry King.
American taxpayers have spent $1.5 billion on a GOP-sponsored sexual abstinance program for teens that hasn't worked... Undaunted, the Republican hacks will introduce a bill to bring back the chastity belt.
Andre Agassi hit his wife Steffi Graff in the face with his racket during a charity exhibition match... Andre was using the new Head "Bobby Brown Bruisemaker 500."
Mattel will soon unveil "Barbie Girls," the first new Barbie concept in four years... The new versions include "Overmedicated Barbie," "Bald Barbie," and "Rehab Barbie."
Thousands gathered at the courthouse in Nassau, Bahamas to learn the results of DNA tests to determine the paternity of Anna Nicole's baby... And the lucky dad?----Sanjaya Malakar.
Vehicles were banned from the streets as Iraqis celebrated the fourth anniversary of the fall of Baghdad... Marking the event by toppling a statue of Alberto Gonzales.
The Army will pay $1 billion in recruitment bonuses this year... Wouldn't it make more sense just to pay the insurgents to stop blowing them up?
The Journal Public Health reports a 24% increase in the morbidly obese over the last five years... And that was just Valerie Bertinelli.
British military authorities have withdrawn their permission for those captured sailors and Marines to sell their stories... But not before Faye Turney, the only woman in the group, signed to appear in Sports Illustrated's Swimsuit Issue.
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"I'm gonna talk about the ideal world, Chris. I've read----I understand reality. If you're asking me as the president, would I understand reality, I do."
George W. Bush 5/31/2000 On "Hardball"
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Bush reversed course and agreed to give the Guest Workers Program another shot... Much to the relief of the National Association of Illegal Immigrants who gave him a 21-leaf blower salute.
Bush's approval rating is 20 points below Bill Clinton's at the same point in his second term... Lesson here for future presidents: Better to do one person than the entire country.
Since 1950, more than 13,000 child molestation claims have been filed against the Catholic Church which to date has paid over $1.5 billion in claims... Which explains why Rog "Stonewall" Mahoney was recently spotted standing in line at a Pay Advance.
Chicago's Cardinal Francis George fractured his hip after slipping on some holy water... Attempting to walk across it, no doubt.
_______________________________________
Bob's book, "HOPE WRITER: My Life On The Road With Bob Hope," recounting his hilarious adventures with the legendary comedian, is now available FREE online at:
www.Hope-writer.blogspot.com
_______________________________________
In an article on the Supreme Court, USA Today reports that "occasionally Roberts and Scalia launch into rapid, back and forth dialogues that recall the routines of Abbott and Costello".... While Clarence Thomas leans more toward Norm Crosby and Professon Backwards.
Thomas "sometimes goes for months without asking a question," the article goes on to say... Which is no surprise. Why open your mouth and remove all doubt?
Bitterly cold weather blanketed the east coast on Easter... It was so cold, worshipers at the Cathedral of St. John the Devine crucified Al Roker.
Mitt Romney, who claims to be "a lifelong hunter," has actually been hunting only twice... Once with Cheney and once with Phil Spector.
A Northwest Airlines flight from Las Vegas to Detroit was canceled because the pilot was yelling obscenities while passengers were boarding... I know what you're thinking----Who knew Imus could fly a plane?
Russian cosmonauts traditionally urinate on the tire of the bus ferrying them to the launch pad... Our astronauts don't have to do that because----well, you know.
A man completed a 9-week, 3272 mile swim down the Amazon River while suffering diarrhea, vertigo, hypertension, dizziness, nausea and delirium... He later said it was like watching 15 reruns of "American Idol" in a row.
It cost ex-Microsoft exec Charles Simonyi $25 million to fly to the International Space Station... Pretty steep until you consider he gets credit for 1,600,800,000 frequent flyer miles.
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"There's no question that the minute I got elected, the storm clouds on the horizon were getting directly overhead."
George W. Bush 5/11/2001 Washington, D.C.
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Shock jock Don Imus draws the ire of MSNBC and CBS executives after calling members of the Rutgers womens basketball team "a bunch of nappy-headed ho's."... Which pretty much puts the kibosh on his co-starring Broadway debut with Michael Richards in "Pride and Prejudice."
Martha Stewart prepared a gourmet meal for boyfriend Charles Simonyi's civilian space flight that included quail roasted in Madiran wine, duck breast confit with capers, shredded chicken parmentier, apple fondant pieces, rice pudding with candied fruit and semolina cake with dried apricots... All washed down with a vintage bottle of 1938 Baron de Rothschild Tang.
Those captured British sailors and Marines now claim they were "separated, stripped, given pajamas and then put in solitary confinement."----No, wait a minute, that was Prince William after he was caught cupping the breast of that 19-year old girl in a pub.
Monica Goodling, the Gonzales aide scheduled to testify in the Senate hearings on the federal prosecutor firings, has resigned... Same day rats jumped from a Greek cruise ship about to sink in the Aegean. Coincidence?
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"See, we love----we love freedom. That's what they didn't understand. They hate things; we love things; They act out of hatred; we don't seek revenge, we seek justice out of love."
George W. Bush 8/21/2002 Oklahoma City, OK
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(Photo Caption) LA's Cardinal Roger Mahoney kisses the feet of a parishioner at Our Lady of the Angels Cathedral during a traditional Easter Week ceremony... Not to be confused with his annual Law Day tradition of kissing the ass of his criminal defense lawyers.
Christians across the globe celebrated Good Friday by reenacting the crucifixion of Jesus... Police in Burbank had to be called when Sanjaya Malakar tried to have himself nailed to Paula Abdul.
Gordon Hinckey, president of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, defends the Book of Mormon, believed to have been translated from gold printing plates delivered to Joseph Smith by an angel... Despite persistent rumors that he bought them online from the Franklin Mint.
The New York Police Department has hired their first Muslim chaplin... Following a stringent job interview that included water boarding.
The Phil Spector trial prosecutor has challenged testimony from defense witness "Punkin Pie" Laughlin who claims victim Lana Clarkson "used Vicodin recreationally and was suicidal."... The prosecution hopes to defuse Pumpkin Pie's testimony with their own witness, "Peach Cobbler" McDuff.
Reversing a decades-long policy, Disney will now allow gay marriages in their Fairy Tale Wedding Program at theme parks and cruise ships... First couple to break the ice: Jiminey Cricket and Thumper.
_______________________________________
Bob's book, "HOPE WRITER: My Life On The Road With Bob Hope," recounting his hilarious adventures with the legendary comedian, is now available FREE online at:
www.Hope-writer.blogspot.com
_______________________________________
"The Screamer," a thrill ride at an amusement park near Sacramento, ejects riders who scream... Theme park officials say they got the idea from Magic Mountain's "The Fornicator."
The Journal of the National Academy of Dermatology reports that 24% of Americans between 18 and 50 sport tattoos... Twelve percent of which contain words that are misspelled.
Keith Richards told the British magazine NME that he snorted his father's ashes mixed with cocaine... Not to be outdone, Frederick von Alholt claims he snorted Anna Nicole Smith.
Country song writer Billy Joe Shaver, author of several Willie Nelson hits, was charged with shooting a man outside Papa Joe's Texas Saloon in Lorena... Ironically, his big hit was "Mama, Don't Let Your Babies Grow Up To Be Dick Cheney."
In Louisiana, five fifth graders have been accused of having sex in a classroom while other students watched while acting as lookouts... The investigation continues at New Orleans' Charlie Sheen Elementary.
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"The best way to relieve families from time is to let them keep some of their own money."
George W. Bush 9/13/2000 Westminster, CA
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A recent study by Allstate Insurance found that the slowest drivers in the nation live in Des Moines, Iowa...
Makes sense when you think about it. Where would they be in a rush to get to?
Dubbed "PrayerFlight," twenty-eight people flew over Cincinnati praying for Ohio's 11 million residents... Must have been grounded during the recent NCAA playoff game.
One day after he was hired, Arkansas basketball coach Dana Altman quit, saying "I wish I would have come to that decision earlier."... And we wish you would have spent more time in Freshman English, Dana.
A gay retirement home has opened in Hollywood, Florida... They have a nice golf course, but someone keeps rearranging the furniture in the clubhouse.
The rise in motorcycle fatalities has spurred efforts to pass more helmet laws... Which kind of defeats the purpose since motorcycles have traditionally been nature's way of thinning out the population.
A French V-150 high-speed train reached 357.2 mph, four short of the record held by the Japanese... Amtrak, of course, still holds the speed record for a train OFF the tracks.
McCain, once a GOP front-runner, now trails Romney in fund raising by $12 million... Even worse news for supporters of the aging hawk, Mrs. Giuliani now says she was once married to him.
To better accomodate smaller space vehicles, NASA will revise their height and weight requirements for astronauts... Also, continence is now a deciding factor during employment interviews.
Three Disney employees were among 28 child predators caught in a Florida sting operation... A reliable source within the rodent kingdom identified them as Sneezy, Grumpy and Doc.
The most popular names for boy babies in 2005 were Jacob, Michael and Joshua... Least popular: Karl, Alberto and George.
Bush visited Walter Reed Army Hospital and apologized for the scandal... Well, he sure as hell wasn't there to visit Tony Snow.
Bush warns Iran: "Give back the British hostages. They're innocent. They didn't do anything wrong."
You know, like those prosecutors he canned.
_______________________________________
Bob's book, "HOPE WRITER: My Life On The Road With Bob Hope," recounting his hilarious adventures with the legendary comedian, is now available FREE online at:
www.Hope-writer.blogspot.com
_______________________________________
A New York art museum removed an anatomically correct statue of Jesus made of chocolate after Cardinal Thomas Egan complained... Actually, there were two chocolate statues. The one with nuts pulled the card's rosary beads.
A French nun, Sister Marie Simon-Pierre, claims Pope John Paul II cured her Parkinson's Disease... When pressed, she admits it also could have been Penn and Teller.
Religious leaders are lobbying for immigrants' citizenship. LA's Mahoney says "The Catholic Church has helped every wave of immigrants coming to the US."... You got that right, Rog----a veritable Big Rock Candy Mountain of potential priest pedophilia victims.
As a condition of their bankruptcy filing, the Diocese of San Diego released the names of 38 priests accused of child sex abuse... Sniffed "Stonewall" Mahoney, "We release twice that many at a time."
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"I need to be able to move the right people to the right place at the right time to protect you, and I'm not going to accept a lousy bill out of the United Nations Senate."
George W. Bush 10/31/2002 South Bend, Indiana
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Ernest Hemingway and Marlene Dietrich exchanged love letters over many years, but never slept together, the newly discovered letters show... Not that they didn't try. Talullah Bankhead kept jumping into bed between them.
Hispanic groups say Ken Burns' upcoming documentary on World War II shortchanges Latinos' contribution to the war effort... Seems Ken somehow overlooked the Fifth Cavalry's elite Pinata and Mariachi Battalion.
Michael Jackson was "under the weather" recently, according to a spokesperson... He was pale, clammy, his voice was squeaky----no, wait a minute---that's when he's normal.
Nevada chalks up more murders annually than any other state... Most of them unsolved since what happens there----well, you know the rest.
Meredith Viera told Ladies Home Journal that she suffers from "gephydrophia"----a phobic fear of crossing bridges... Primarily bridges over troubled waters... to nowhere... too far... and Todd.
University of Toledo running back "Scooter" McDougal, Jr. was charged with throwing games for a car, a free cell phone, merchandise, gifts and cash... Say it ain't so, Scooter.
Brigham Young University is being urged by students and faculty to recind Dick Cheney's invitation to deliver this year's commencement address because "he lacks personal honesty and integrity"... Ol' "Shotgun" just doesn't measure up to the standards set last year by Tom DeLay.
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"I strongly believe we're doing the right thing. If I didn't believe it----I'm going to repeat what I said before----I'd pull the troops out, nor if I believed we could win, I would pull the troops out."
George W. Bush 4/6/2006 Charlotte, North Carolina
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Radio Alert! Catch Bob Mills as Willie Nelson singing "On the Road Again" and "Georgia On My Mind" tomorrow morning -- 0820 PST to 0900 PST on LARRS, the LA Reading Service for the Blind and Print Impared. Streamed live at: www.larrs.org password: independent
Also, catch Bob's weekly show "Inside Television" every Thursday at 0820 PST to 0900 PST.
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Said David Cullkeller, senior US counter-intelligence advisor: "We haven't turned the tide. We haven't turned the corner. There isn't a light at the end of the tunnel. What we have done is take a failing enterprise and put it on a sound, long-term footing." Can you believe these guys actually get paid to come up with bullshit like this?
Forty-four year old Evander Holyfield will fight Lou Saverese, 41, Saturday in El Paso. Under Texas Boxing Commission requirements, there will be a "three heart defibrilations" rule in effect.
CT scans have confirmed archeologists' suspicions that a mummy found in Egypt is the female pharaoh, Hatshepsut. Correcting earlier reports that it was Cher.
Newly released documents disclose that the CIA bugged Dan Rowan's telephone at the request of mobster Sam Giancana who suspected Dan was fooling around with his girlfriend. Instead, they caught Dan psychologically abusing Goldie Hawn.
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FREE MEMBERSHIP: Subscribers in California, Las Vegas, Chicago, Washington, DC, New York and Boston (or those planing to visit) are invited to join Goldstar Events, a website offering drastically reduced tickets to major entertainment venues including live theater, comedy, sports, music and much more! Your FREE MEMBERSHIP includes e-mail notification of events opening near you. You'll love this online service that allows you to print your own tickets, often for about the cost of a movie! Check it out now!
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The Vatican has issued "Guidelines for the sanctification of auto travel." Which include these caveats:
1) Never refer to a "used car." The proper designation is "born again car."
2) The only "safe" carpooling is abstinence.
3) Limit your obscene hand gestures to Protestants, Jews, Muslims, Buddists and atheists.
4) Vatican-approved bumper stickers:
a) Support Intelligent Interior Design
b) Darwin----My Ass!
c) Make War, Not Sister Immaculata
d) Ask Me About Transubstantiation
e) I'd Rather Be Infallible Than President
f) I Brake For Pedophile Priests
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Air-Tran is sponsoring a free wedding contest at the Viva Las Vegas wedding chapel that includes three nights at the Venetian Hotel, a rental car and a quickie divorce.
According to a recent survey, the average Brit consumes eighteen and a half pounds of chocolate yearly. Eighteen is also their average tooth count. Coincidence?
The remains of a giant penguin that lived 40 million years ago were found in Peru. Archelogists became curious after a farmer unearthed several huge tuxedoes.
Anthropologists in Leipzig, Germany are using DNA samples to construct a new model of Neanderthal man. To replace the statue of George W. Bush they've been using.
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"Amnesty means that you've got to pay a price for having been here illegally and this bill does that."
George W. Bush 6/26/2007 Washington, DC
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Producers of "The Price is Right" have passed on Rosie O'Donnell to replace Bob Barker. Seems Rosie's price wasn't right.
The Spanish Olympic Committee has appealed for suggestions to add lyrics to their national anthem. "La Cucaracha" sounds so hokey on the medal winners platform.
Pope Benedict XVI has changed the rule on papal election balloting, reinstating the 2/3 majority requirement. The rules on campaign financing remain unchanged.
Israel has launched its first professional baseball league. Recently overheard at Yashiva Stadium:
1) "I can't change the roster, ump. It's on a stone tablet."
2) "You've lost your stuff, Sol. Get off the mount."
3) "Time for a little pepper. Get the matzo balls."
4) "Anyone stealing a base is entitled to guilt counseling."
5) "Some son. He never calls. He never writes. He never bunts."
6) "It's going... going... it's a home run over the wailing wall!"
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"I'm honored to shake the hand of a brave Iraqi citizen who had his hand cut off by Saddam Hussein."
George W. Bush 5/25/2004 Washington, DC
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Bob's book, "HOPE WRITER: My Life On The Road With Bob Hope," recounting his hilarious adventures with the legendary comedian, is now available FREE online at:
www.Hope-writer.blogspot.com
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Tony Blair will meet with the pope this week to begin steps, some say, to convert. Makes sense. Without Bush, he'll need a new lap.
Tiger Woods has signed a new endorsement contract with General Motors. Same day, ironically, John Daly's wife signed with Ginzu Knives of Tokyo.
Rosie O'Donnell says she's been offered Bob Barker's old job on "The Price Is Right." Actually, the job offer was as a large kitchen appliances model.
For the first time, the US released a list of hospital heart-related death rates. Mainly so Cheney can plan his vacation.
Bush hosted Vietnam president Nguyen Minh Triet for talks at the White House. They discussed the future of nuclear proliferation, CO2 emissions and Jane Fonda.
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"The Bob Jones policy on interracial dating----I spoke against that. I spoke out against interracial dating. I support the policy of interracial dating."
George W. Bush 2/25/2000 CBS News
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Paris Hilton is scheduled to be released from jail on Tuesday. At which time she'll be given the traditional $30 suit and $10 cash to start a new life.
She told reporters "I spent my time staring at the ceiling." Isn't that what got her in hot water in the first place?
New survey shows that only 18% of Americans have confidence in Congress. Worse, only 13% have confidence in Dr. Laura.
Jimmy Kimmel underwent an emergency appendectomy. Turned out to be an impacted Sarah Silverman.
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____________________________________________
Thousands of Muslims in Britain protested the announcement of a knighthood for Salman Rushdie. On the grounds that he's nowhere near as qualified as Elton John.
New York mayor Bloomberg ankles GOP, may run as an independent. Can you say Ross Perot?
Army claims widespread discussion of "surge" tipped al Qaeda and doomed Baghdad offensive "Operation Together Forward" to failure. Formerly called "Operation Save Bush's Legacy."
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"You took an oath to defend our flag and our freedom, and you kept that oath underseas and under fire."
George W.Bush 1/10/2006 Washington, DC
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The Pentagon has asked for 4.9 million national park acres to "practice battlefield technology." Isn't that called "martial law"?
Mistakenly called Iwo Jima by Japanese naval officers in 1944, site of WWII battle is renamed "Iwo Ito." May not mean much to you, but Clint Eastwood is beside himself.
Tom Cruise says he's now qualified to perform Scientology marriages. Run for your lives! They're breeding!
Lawmakers celebrated "Seersucker Thursday," a tradition started by Trent Lot. Not to be confused with Scooter Libby's "Orange Jumpsuit Day."
(Photo Caption) Celebrants blow ancient horns during annual pagan soltice festival at Stonehenge. Following which they pulverized a pinata of Camilla Parker Bowles.
Fred Thompson has decided to make a run for the Oval Office----apparently believing that at least once every century, Americans deserve a right wing hack actor in the White House.
NASA Chief Michael Griffin says he's not convinced that global warming is "a long term concern." This, you'll recall, is the same guy who thought Lisa Nowak could get by without industrial strength Huggies.
Lindsay Lohan was arrested for DUI after plowing her Mercedes into a Hollywood hedge. She may beat the rap, though. Witnesses say she swerved to avoid a mini-van being driven by Britney Spears' baby.
"Explosively formed penetrators," being used to destroy the Army's new armoured vehicles in Iraq, can pierce five inches of steel. Which, when you think about it, means they have a better exit strategy than Bush.
Bush has appointed Lt. General Douglas Lute as the new "War Czar." Who, much like the "Drug Czar" who preceded him, will try to sell the public on a doomed-from-the-start program to "Just Say No" to getting the hell out of Iraq.
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"I was not pleased that Hamas has refused to announce its desire to destroy Israel."
George W. Bush 5/4/2006 Washington, DC
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Customs officers at the Cairo airport arrested a man carrying 700 snakes including two cobras. Thanks to "Slinky," their drug-sniffing mongoose.
Illionois has banned the slaughter of horses for food. Pretty much scuttling the planned summer debut of the "McWhinny Burger."
The world's oldest camera, made in 1839, sold at auction in Vienna for $800,000. It has one pixel.
Pope Benedict XVI is seriously considering reviving the Latin mass, dropped by Vatican II. If this proves to be popular among the laity, next he may bring back burning at the stake.
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Bob's book, "HOPE WRITER: My Life On The Road With Bob Hope," recounting his hilarious adventures with the legendary comedian, is now available FREE online at:
www.Hope-writer.blogspot.com
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Newly released from prison, Dr. jack Kevorkian is vowing to help legalize physian-assisted suicide. Not to be confused with the perfectly legal "Pentagon-assisted suicide" now being practiced in Iraq.
The new "Creation Museum" in Petersburg, Kentucky features a replica of Noah's Ark with animals including dinosaurs. Along with a lifesized statue of Charles Darwin whom they identify as the author of "A Tale of Two Cities."
Scientists announced the discovery of a new lizard species in eastern India that looks like a snake without legs. Snakes and lizards are not related, the former being descended from lawyers and the latter from tobacco company executives.
The Alabama Legislature passed a law apologizing for slavery. Which may explain the overwhelming demand for white sheets at Mobile's Bed, Bath & Beyond.
For the first time in 28 years, the US and Iran have begun delicate negotiations to ease tensions in Iraq. If successful, next they'll try to restore diplomatic relations between Rosie O'Donnell and Elizabeth Hasselbeck.
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"That's called 'A Charge To Keep,' based upon a religious hymn. The hymn talks about serving God. The president's job is never to promote a religion."
George W. Bush 5/5/2006 Washington, DC
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Kobe Bryant to the Los Angeles Lakers: "I want out of my contract." Mrs. Bryant to Kobe: "Not so fast, Diamond Ring Boy."
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F R E E M E M B E R S H I P: Subscribers in California, Las Vegas, Chicago, Washington, DC, New York and Boston (or those planing to visit) are invited to join Goldstar Events, a website offering drastically reduced tickets to major entertainment venues including live theater, comedy, sports, music and much more! Your FREE MEMBERSHIP includes e-mail notification of events opening near you. You'll love this online service that allows you to print your own tickets, often for about the cost of a movie! Check it out now!
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____________________________________________
ATTENTION WORLD TRAVELERS!
On Sunday, the author is off to China to tour Beijing, Xian, Chongqing, and by riverboat, Fengdu, Qutang, Jingzhou, Dongting Lake, Wuhan, Jingdezhen, Mt. Jiu Hua, Nanjing, Suzhou and Shanghai. Anyone with tips or info regarding these exotic ports o' call is urged to forward same to: Jokesmith@peoplepc.com
Your help will be much appreciated!
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The arrival of the USS Wasp in New York Harbor marks the start of "Fleet Week" that features half priced hookers, complimentary tattoos and 21-hand gesture salutes from NY cabbies.
Shrek III captured $122 million on its opening weekend, a record for an animated film. Entomologists were stunned. They had no idea that ogres fed on spiders.
A pornography crackdown in China has shuttered 13,000 smut shops. Authorities became suspicious by a menu item that read "With #3, you get Paris Hilton."
China has entered its first float in the Pasadena Rose Parade----a perfect knockoff of a float they saw in the Mardi Gras Parade.
The Army has asked for $20 billion to purchase new, safer "MRAP's," Mine Resistant Ambush Protected vehicles. Not to be confused with the vehicles in current use, "MFDT's," Mine Friendly Death Traps.
A survey shows that per acre land values in Las Vegas have topped $40 million. Which makes it the most expensive pile of sand in the world----not counting Iraq.
The $592 million, 104 acre US Embassy in Baghdad is scheduled to open in September. Allen & Rossi will headline in the Fallujah Room.
Three mortar rounds exploded near Tony Blair during his visit to Baghdad's Green Zone. It's not easy being a Green Zone.
A general in Iraq said the insurgents are catching on to to US tactics and fled ahead of raids launched to capture them. Oh, oh----now we're in trouble.
Jimmy Carter called Bush "the worst president in US history," but Bush was unfazed, telling an aide "Martin Sheen is."
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"They didn't think we were a nation that could conceivably sacrifice for something greater than our self----that we were soft, that we were so self-absorbed and so materialistic that we wouldn't defend anything we believed in. My were they wrong. They were just reading the wrong magazine or watching the wrong Springer show."
George W. Bush 3/12/2002 Washington, DC
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Cincinnati Bengal linebacker A.J. Nicholson was charged with assaulting his girlfriend. A charge of impersonating an HBO executive was dropped.
Utah Jazz point guard Deron Williams has "No Guts" tattooed on one arm and "No Glory" on the other. On the plus side, no misspellings.
Despite protests from animal rights groups, the LA Dodgers will continue selling Farmer John Dodger Dogs, avoiding a deal that would have traded them for Nathan's Famous and a Polish sausage to be named later.
US Census Bureau reports that by 2011, 10,000 people a day will turn 65, prompting CBS to order 5000 more "Murder She Wrote" reruns.
Congress will require airlines to provide stranded passengers with food, water, medical care and, in the case of JetBlue, a fitness coach after twelve hours on the tarmac.
Sharpton apologized after saying "Those who really believe in God will defeat Romney." Al has never forgiven the Mormons for giving us Donny & Marie.
Paula Abdul broke her nose after stumbling over one of her chihuahuas. She wasn't sure whether it was "Simon" or "Cowell."
Paris Hilton was named #1 on Forbes Hot Billionaire
Heiresses List----ironically, the same week she was named Top Fugitive by "America's Most Wanted."
____________________________________________
F R E E M E M B E R S H I P: Subscribers in California, Las Vegas, Chicago, Washington, DC, New York and Boston (or those planing to visit) are invited to join Goldstar Events, a website offering drastically reduced tickets to major entertainment venues including live theater, comedy, sports, music and much more! Your FREE MEMBERSHIP includes e-mail notification of events opening near you. You'll love this online service that allows you to print your own tickets, often for about the cost of a movie! Check it out now!
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____________________________________________
"Reagan Diaries" was released in bookstores, triggering a campaign by supporters to have it named America's Official National Journal and placed on permanent display in the Capital Rotunda.
Britney Spears was ejected from an airline flight after complaining about the lack of leather seats. She doesn't much care for cloth panties, either.
SkyBus Airlines has launched a "no frills" service with 14 jets. To reduce equipment costs, a sideshow freak guesses the weight of your luggage.
The autobiography of George Forman is called "God In My Corner." Probably that cut man who never had to use stitches.
"Addams Family: The Musical" will debut on Broadway in 2009. Buzz is that it's a cross between "Phantom of the Opera" and "The Sound of Music."
New evidence has been uncovered that indicates Abraham Lincoln may have delivered the Gettysburg Address while suffering from smallpox. "Fourscore and seven" may have been a reference to his temperature.
A Mexican cardinal testified in a priest pedophile lawsuit that Catholic bishops and cardinals concealed sexual preditors from the public, using code phrases such as "family and health problems." A personal favorite of Mahoney's was "Ocular perceptionis digitus," Latin for "Keep an eye on this guy's hands."
Prince Harry won't be deployed to Iraq after all. According to a reliable Palace source, he called the White House last week, got a few phone numbers from Bush and viola!----he's now a pilot in London's Air National Guard.
Britain's legendary spy agency MI-5 is seeking more qualified females to fill their ranks. They decided they needed more gals after Miss Moneypenny went into deep cover and caught Andrew Lloyd Webber slipping military troop locations to al Qaeda hidden in coded lyrics.
Lame duck Blair paid a final visit to lame duck Bush, during which both posed for effigy figures that will be hung and burned during next summer's anti-Iraq war rallies at American and British embassies throughout the world.
Falwell's sudden exit wasn't entirely unexpected as the corpulent spiritualist suffered from long-standing heart disease and hypertention for which his doctors had prescribed a strict, pillar-of-salt free diet.
Not that life-saving efforts weren't employed. Pat Robertson immediately performed wallet-to-wallet resuscitation which, alas, proved futile.
Sky pilot colleagues and fellow ecclesiastics from all over the world attended the memorial service in Lynchburg with Jim Bakker, Larry Flynt and four Teletubbies acting as pallbearers.
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"The march to war hurt the economy. Laura reminded me awhile ago that remember what was on the TV screens----she calls me, 'George W.'----I call her 'First Lady.' No, anyway----she said, we said, march to war on our TV screen."
George W. Bush 3/3/2004 Bay Shore, NY
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Sharper Image is now marketing gourmet meat under the Donald Trump label. Prime rib cuts are available in three sizes: "Queen," "King" and "Rosie O'Donnell."
Said an Army general in Kirkuk, "The US military hopes to sooth public anger by making an extraordinary effort to repair damage caused by explosions... " Which the Pentagon likes to call "urban redevelopment."
The Pentagon has cut off access by US troops to MySpace, You Tube, MTV.com and Photo Bucket. However, they're still allowed to sell parts of blown up equipment on e-Bay.
Notre Dame, Duke and the University of Virginia are among colleges offering alumni internment in campus cemeteries. Spotted on a headstone at Duke's Eternal Quad "I finally found a parking space."
Faced with FAA rules that call for mandatory retirement upon reaching 60, commercial pilots are seeking employment with foreign carriers that are subject to no such rules. The current favorite among the graying jet jockies is Virgin Island-based "Viagra Air."
Disgraced House speaker Newt Gingrich told reporters that a presidential bid in '08 is "a great possibility." Right now he's torn between an expensive campaign or an equally expensive extramarital affair.
Bush has appointed Lt. General Douglas Lute as the country's first "war czar" whose duties will primarily involve coming up with a term more acceptable to the American public than "surrender."
Harper Collins has announced that it will publish the autobiography of Clarence Thomas in October. It comes with a CD of Clarence's historic judicial pronouncements during oral arguments----blank at the moment but maybe between now and October...
O.J. Simpson is claiming racial discrimination after being ejected from Jeff Ruby's Steakhouse in Louisville, KY. Seems he insisted on slaughtering his own steer.
Several squirrels captured in Colorado tested positive for the Black Plague. Animal control officers were alerted when two of them were spotted loading the body of a third one onto an ox cart.
A fast-moving brushfire on Catalina Island threatened to destroy the famed Avalon Ballroom, scorching a nearby cornfield planted by Lawrence Welk.
The LA Sheriff says Paris could, with credit for good behavior, serve as little as 29 days. Hey, it's not the days that worry her----it's those interminable nights.
A new R rating for movies includes tobacco use. From now on, if a guy fires up a cigar, he'd better be torturing an Arab.
The Iraqi Parliament will vacation during July and August. Most of them have reservations at Fallujah's popular "Club Dead."
A Pentagon report shows that 40% of US troops in Iraq condone torture and would, given the opportunity, waterboard Bush, Cheney and Rumsfeld.
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BOB ON THE RADIO: This Tuesday, May 15 at 3 to 4 pm Pacific, catch Bob co-hosting "Access Unlimited" on LA's KPFK fm (90.7). The program is also streamed live at www.kpfk.org.
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In Sao Paulo, the pope sat on a red and gold throne watching a parade of samba dancers----in honor of his Brazilian hosts, dressed as Joe Carioca.
Later, Ben cononized Brazil's first saint, Antonia Galvao, better known to American movie-goers as Antonio Bandares.
CBS bids "The Price Is Right" farewell after 51 years on the air. The final trio of contestants had to guess the price of Bob Barker's walker.
Olympic bad boy skier Bode Miller has quit the US team. He'll do okay, though. John Daly has offered to teach him golf.
HBO fired CEO Chris Albrecht after Las Vegas police arrested him for assault and battery. Best guess is, Chris will produce HBO's summer series "Curb Your Enthusiasm For Beating Up Your Girlfriend."
Clint Eastwood has been awarded an honorary degree from USC----a doctorate of Humane Letters from Iwo Jima.
According to the GAO, 300,000 barrels of Iraqi oil have disappeared over the past four years. Major problem for Halliburton appears to be how to get them back here.
Cheney did some sword rattling on the deck of the carrier John C. Stennis off the coast of Iran. During his speech, a short in his pacemaker accidentally launched three F-16's.
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"Wow! Brazil is BIG!"
George W. Bush 10/6/2005 Looking at a map of South America
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British Prime Minister-in-waiting, Gordon Brown, is trying to convince Brits that his position as Chancellor of the Exchequer qualifies him for the post. Lately, most of his duties have involved keeping Prince Harry out of the pubs.
Britain's Queen Liz II capped her 6-day US visit hosting a dinner for Bush. Following which, she presented him with a diamond-encrusted replica of the monarchy's Imperial Seal and he gave her an honorary membership on the girls basketball team at Rutgers.
The previous night, Elizabeth Hasselbeck was a guest at the White House State Dinner. On arrival, she waved at Rosie and Joy Behar who were parking limos in the West Wing lot.
Earlier in the day, Helen Mirren turned down an invitation to have lunch with Liz. Seems it conflicted with her weekly mahjong game.
A record 85% voter turnout elected conservative Nicolas Sarkozy as president of France. He'll immediately assume Tony Blair's former spot on Bush's lap.
A "Free Paris" movement has been launched to petition Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger to commute Paris Hilton's jail sentence scheduled to begin on June 5. Several factors favor a commutation:
1) The Pampered Heiress Cell Block is filled to capacity.
2) Sleeping until noon is allowed only in solitary.
3) Would ruin any chance she might have had to replace Rosie.
4) Warden is partial to Marriott Hotels.
5) Martha Stewart's bitch is already taken.
A '69 Dodge Charger used on "The Dukes of Hazard" sold for a record $10 million on E-Bay. It came with an unused car seat that once belonged to Britney Spears' baby.
Evander Holyfield, 44, will fight Lou Savarese on June 30 in El Paso. The "three knockdown" rule will be in effect, with special consideration for strokes.
Hillary Clinton is being pressured to return an $800,000
campaign contribution from rapper Timbaland, whose latest album is studded with references to "bitches," "ho's" and "mofo's." Hil claims she thought he was referring to White House interns.
The Archieves of Pediatrics reports that 40% of 3-month old toddlers regularly watch television. More disturbing, 86% of them think it's good.
More than 200 people have paid $200,000 for a 2 1/2 hour sub-orbital space flight on Virgin Galactic. Included with the First Class ducats: Use of the VIP lounge, free headsets and NASA-designed Huggies with the Virgin logo.
Pope Benedict XVI is scheduled to make his first visit to Brazil to canonize the country's first saint. Carmen Miranda.
The British fashion chain TopShop has launched its new Kate Moss line. Which includes stone-washed blue denim cargo pants with pockets specially tailored to accomodate prescription hallucinogenics.
Congressman Dennis Kusinich has sponsored a bill to begin impreachment proceedings against Dick Cheney. Which, when you think about it, would remove him from the stressful position of being one erratic heartbeat from the presidency.
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"There was no malfeance involved. This was an honest disagreement about account procedures----there was no malfeance, no attempt to hide anything."
George W. Bush 7/8/2002 Washington DC
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Bob's book, "HOPE WRITER: My Life On The Road With Bob Hope," recounting his hilarious adventures with the legendary comedian, is now available FREE online at:
www.Hope-writer.blogspot.com
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The average age of planes used by the Air Force is 23.5 years. Juggle the numbers and you get the average age of stewardesses on Delta----53.2.
David Hasselhoff has lost visitation rights to his teen girls. And, if he wants to speak to them by phone, he has to go through Alec Baldwin.
The FBI intercepted a plot by Islamic radicals to attack soldiers training at Ft. Dix. As we all know, placing soldiers in harm's way is the Pentagon's job.
TOM POSTON 1922-2007
Latinos gathered to celebrate Cinco de Mayo in LA's McArthur Park. Or, as the LAPD calls it, "the practice range."
A new Gallup survey shows that 29% of TV viewers have a negative view of Katie Couric. On a brighter note, it's the same 29% who LIKE Bush.
Hillary Clinton will co-sponsor a bill to revoke Bush's war powers. Using techniques she learned while neutralizing Bill.
There is no truth to the rumor that David Hasselhoff has been hired as a spokesperson for In-N-Out Burger.
The late Cardinals pitcher Josh Hancock was legally drunk, had marijuana in the car, wasn't wearing a seat belt and was on his cell phone when he plowed into a tow truck. If that wasn't stupid enough, he was talking to Paris Hilton.
Mitt Romney's camp admits they pay college students a commission for every campaign contributor recruited on campus. They get a bonus if the contributors ever heard of Joseph Smith.
Cheney has had four coronaries, two angioplasties and quadruple bypass surgery. And he thought he had heart problems BEFORE Tenet drove a stake through it.
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"My pan plays down an unprecedented amount of our national debt."
George W. Bush 2/27/2001 Addressing Congress
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Donors of $75 to McCain's campaign receive a complimentary mouse pad with a picture of the Senator on it. Unfortunately, it's the one of him undergoing a colonoscopy.
Obama is the first presidential candidate to receive Secret Service protection. Even though the Clinton campaign signed a pledge not to have him whacked.
The 98% white Cleveland Bar Association has launched a program to educate blacks on the Constitution, civil rights and social studies and already it's paying off. They've signed seven of them to NBA contracts.
Queen Elizabeth kicked off her week-long American tour by addressing the Virginia Legislature. Yes, Virginia, there is a queen.
Ten GOP presidential hopefuls held an ersatz "debate" at the Reagan Library. From behind, some viewers thought they were watching the Kentucky Derby.
Don Imus is suing CBS for $120 million, claiming breach of contract. Seems his new salary announcing womens basketball at Rutgers isn't cutting it.
Cheney is set to visit Saudi Arabia, Egypt, Jordan and the United Arab Emirates. The only Middle East countries he hasn't shot anybody in yet.
The Cleveland Browns choice in the third round of the NFL draft pick was Wisconsin's offensive tackle, Joe Thomas. Affectionately known among his fellow pro draftees as "Who's the white guy?"
Texas has become the first state to randomly test high school athletes for steroids. With particular emphasis on San Antonio's Barry Bonds Middle School.
Queen Elizabeth will attend the Kentucky Derby this weekend. Contrary to rumors, she's not going just because she was told Camilla Parker Bowles is in it.
The Vatican has announced that Pope Benedict XVI will visit New York City. Mayor Bloomberg has placed all altar boys in Manhattan under 24-hour police guard.
Tony Snow told his class reunion at Davidson College "God hasn't promised us tomorrow but He has promised us eternity." George W. Bush only makes it SEEM like eternity.
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"As Luce reminded me, he said, without data, without facts, without information, the discussions about public education mean that a person is just another opinion."
George W. Bush 9/9/2003 Jacksonville, Florida
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Hookers working for Washington DC madam Jeane Palfrey charged, according to police records, $300 an hour. Not bad considering they also did plumbing.
Thursday marked the annual national National Day of Prayer. There was something for everyone. Wall Street brokers paused for a minute of silence to worship the Almighty Dollar.
Hillary Rodham Clinton has announced she's dropping the "Rodham." May not mean much to you but now she has to change the monograms on 350 pant suits.
Rejected Supreme Court nominee Harriet Miers has aken a job at a private law firm. Washington's prestigious Hacks, Cronies & Duds.
British Army lieutenant Prince Harry is headed to Iraq with his tank unit. The elite 357th "Don't Shoot, He's a Royal!" Armoured Battalion.
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Bob's book, "HOPE WRITER: My Life On The Road With Bob Hope," recounting his hilarious adventures with the legendary comedian, is now available FREE online at:
www.Hope-writer.blogspot.com
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Four hundred hip hop moguls and rappers gathered in Chicago to discuss banning lyrics like "ho," "bitch," "mother ******, and "tits." No agreement on songs, but they did agree to censor their tattoos.
The Judge in the Phil Spector trial admonished the jury to disregard the defendant's hair. Pretty much neutralizing the defense motto: "If the wig fits, you must acquit."
Dutch police have searched the backyard of their chief suspect in the disappearance of Natalee Holloway in Aruba. While also looking for the missing career of Nancy Grace.
Iranian police have increased enforcement of laws that call for death by stoning for women convicted of adultry. Or Richard Gere for kissing in public.
Bush hosted Japan's Prime Minister Shingo Abe at Camp David. Where he signed formal surrender papers making the defeat of General Motors by Toyota official.
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"If you don't have any ambitions, the minimum-wage job isn't going to get you to where you want to get, for example. In other words, what is your ambitions? And oh, by the way, if that is your ambition, here is what it's going to take to achieve it."
George W. Bush 8/29/2002 Little Rock, Arkansas
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Alec Baldwin told "The View" that he plans to write a book on parenting. From the same publisher of last year's "Small Bird Hunting Tips" by Dick Cheney.
The British Court has charged Hugh Grant with hitting a photographer with a can of baked beans. In England, throwing food is a misdemeanor. Eating it is a felony.
Heather Mills was eliminated from "Dancing With The Stars." Nasty scene. On her way to the limo, she clubbed three ABC security guards with her----well, you know.
Rosie O'Donnell has announced she's leaving "The View." Which couldn't make Donald Trump happier. He and his lawyers are currently in negotiations to subdivide her.
Rent-A-Car founder Warren Avis has passed away at the age of 93. Despite life-saving efforts by his physicians who tried harder than Hertz's doctors did.
CBS has refused to run a Maxfli golf ball commercial that features John Daly drinking beer in a bar. Several stools from Phil Mickelson who is shown choking on a bowl of mixed nuts.
April was the deadliest month of the year for troops in Iraq. It wasn't too kind to Don Imus, either.
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"Free societies are hopeful societies. And free societies will be allies against these hateful few who have no conscience, who kill at the whim of a hat."
George W. Bush 9/17/2004 Washington, DC
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A mineral has been discovered in Serbia that contains the same elements as Superman's nemesis, Kryptonite: sodium, lithium, boron, silicate, and hydroxide. Pretty much matching the contents of Rush Limbaugh's medicine cabinet.
The Diocese of Spokane has paid $48 million to settle 150 priest sex abuse cases. Prompting Pope Benedict XVI to comment "We have a branch office in Spokane?"
Astronomers have discovered a new planet 180 trillion miles away, in the constellation Libra. To put its size in perspective, if earth were Valerie Bertinelli, it would be Kate Moss.
Police in Iran arrested 300 woman for violating Islam's strict dress code. Most were wearing t-shirts that said "I Can't Spell ABIDINAJHAD, Either."
Toyota has dethroned General Motors as the world's largest seller of automobiles. Let's take another peek at those WWII results, shall we?
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Bob's book, "HOPE WRITER: My Life On The Road With Bob Hope," recounting his hilarious adventures with the legendary comedian, is now available FREE online at:
www.Hope-writer.blogspot.com
_______________________________________
This year marks the 200th anniversary of the first use by a Renaissance French cartographer of the name "America" for the US. Replacing its previous title----Cleveland.
Bill Clinton's saxophone sold at a New York charity auction for $64,800. Rare because it's the only thing in the Oval Office that HE blew.
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"Trying to stop suiciders----which we're doing a pretty good job of on occasion----is difficult to do. And what the Iraqis are going to have to eventually do is convince those who are conducting suiciders who are not inspired by Al Qaeda, for example, to realize there's a peaceful tomorrow."
George W. Bush 5/24/2006 Washington, D.C.
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Tony Gonzales responded with "I don't know" seventy-one times during Senate committee hearings... For awhile there, he sounded like Kobe talking to Mrs. Bryant after a road trip.
The 100th birthday of John Wayne will be marked by celebrations in his hometown of Winterset, Iowa... Dr. Scholl has commissioned a bronze statue of the flat feet that enabled the Duke to duck the draft during World War II.
A musical version of "Spiderman" is headed for Broadway with Bono and the Edge do-re-me-ing the show... Buzz says the second act curtain will feature Spidey scaling the north side of Andrew Lloyd Webber.
US troops in Iraq have begun constructing a three mile long, 12 foot high concrete wall to separate the Sunnis from the Shiites... And it's working already. So far, they've caught 372 illegal Mexican immigrants trying to climb over it.
Sharon Osbourne has signed on as a judge on NBC's "America's Got Talent"... Which makes sense. After all, she married Ozzy and he's got plenty of----okay, bad example.
Pope Benedict XVI has issued a proclamation removing the concept of limbo for unbaptized babies from Catholic dogma... No mention was made, however, of the beach dance which will, for the time being, remain a mortal sin.
The Milwaukee School Board has approved the use of handcuffs by school security officers on students in Kindergarten and above... They stopped short, however, of replacing their Super Soakers with stun guns.
Last year, the US imported $206 million worth of diamonds from Botswana... Most of which ended up on Mrs. Bryant's finger.
Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger has halted construction of a new death chamber at San Quentin, citing excessive costs... If he really wants to save money, why not just buy the death row inmates one-way tickets to Iraq?
The TV Guide Channel has sacked Joan Rivers and her daughter, Melissa, from their annual Emmy Awards red carpet gig... But grieve not. They've already been signed to greet hack presidential candidates arriving for prayer vigils following national calamities.
Only fifteen of the nation's top 100 universities require their English majors to study Shakespeare... Which explains why 82% of them identified Hamlet as "a pejorative for Danny DeVito."
Homeland Security officials have found "rampant fraud" in a third of the visas issued to foreign "religious workers"... Blessed are the self-righteous for they shall inherit a green card.
A new word-for-word, two CD dramatic reading of the bible stars Terrance Stamp as God, Luke Perry as Judas and Marisa Tomei as Mary Magdelene... And Don Imus does a nifty turn as a nappy-headed Nubian slave.
A Volkswagen hatchback once owned by Pope Benedict XVI failed to sell on e-Bay... Potential buyers were probably turned off by his bumper-sticker: My Altar Boy Is On The Honor Roll At St. Bartholomew Elementary.
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"Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning?"
George W. Bush 1/11/2000 Columbia, South Carolina
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Benedict's new book "Jesus of Nazareth" will be published in sixteen languages... Translated from the ecclesiastical mumbo-jumbo in which he is fluent.
A surveillance video shows a Mankato, Minnesota jailer beating an inmate with a bible... The "King James Knuckle-Buster" version commissioned by the Pentagon for use at Abu Gharib.
Former Iraq war planner Paul Wolfowitz, now head of the World Bank, apologized for giving his girlfriend a huge raise... Which once again demonstrates the fundamental differences between Democrats and Republicans----Clinton didn't have to pay for it.
The fourth Indiana Jones movie will begin filming this summer with Harrison Ford again in the lead... It's called "Indiana Jones: The Search For the Missing Kidney Stones."
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Bob's book, "HOPE WRITER: My Life On The Road With Bob Hope," recounting his hilarious adventures with the legendary comedian, is now available FREE online at:
www.Hope-writer.blogspot.com
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Senator Ted Stevens has toppled Strom Thurmond's longevity record in Congress... And he went Strom one better----he did it while still alive.
Jennifer Hudson sang the Stars Spangled banner at a recent Dodgers-Padre game... Seems Roseanne Barr was unavailable.
Fear of the number 13 is called "Triskaidekaphobia"... Not to be confused with fear of the talentless, "Sanjayamalakaraphobia."
Bowing to complaints from neighbors, New York City officials may shut down the annual Italian Gennaro Festival... High point of which is the running of the Good Fellas.
Regis Philbin claims his open heart surgery has "changed his whole personality."... Probably those Simon Cowell blood transfusions.
Prince William and his girlfriend Kate Middleton have called it quits... After paparazzi snapped a nude Kate on board a yacht owned by an Arab sheik.
Woolworth's is scrapping its line of Will and Kate ceramic cups and plates... Actually, they'll be placed in storage just in case Will Farrell and Kate Hudson ever become an item.
A press photographer was fired from the Toledo Ohio Blade after admitting he digitally altered 58 photos... Tipoff for editors was his recent shot of Michael Jackson with his original nose.
Police at Atlanta's Hartsfield-Jackson Airport make an average of ten "indecent act" arrests a month in the mens restrooms... Mostly in and around the George Michael Food Court.
Cirque du Soleil will produce a new show based on the life and times of Elvis... The finale of which will feature acrobats scaling a giant lucite Fender guitar filled with multi-colored prescription hallucinogenics.
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"We look forward to hearing your vision, so we can more better do our job."
George W. Bush 9/20/2005 Gulfport, Mississippi
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Charles de Gaulle Airport has unveiled a 2.2 mile long driverless train... Amtrak runs driverless trains too----but not on purpose.
MTV is producing an American Idol type reality show called "The Road to Manudo."... First prize is a chance to audition for The Village People.
A new Pew Research poll shows that only 69% of Americans can identify a picture of Dick Cheney... About the same percentage that can identify him in a lineup following one of his "hunting" trips.
Turns out that mass killer was judged "psychologically unstable" by his college professors but was allowed to remain at large... Oh, I'm sorry----that was Bush.
The British pound has passed the $2 mark as inflation in England surges... To put this in laymens terms, it now costs Tony Blair twice as much to get hostages released.
A Harris poll shows that 24% of fans of professional sports don't approve of gay athletes... Most subscribe to a "don't ask, don't bet" policy.
Former Golden Girl Rue McClanahan's autobiography is entitled "My First Five Husbands"... Three of whom were Larry King.
American taxpayers have spent $1.5 billion on a GOP-sponsored sexual abstinance program for teens that hasn't worked... Undaunted, the Republican hacks will introduce a bill to bring back the chastity belt.
Andre Agassi hit his wife Steffi Graff in the face with his racket during a charity exhibition match... Andre was using the new Head "Bobby Brown Bruisemaker 500."
Mattel will soon unveil "Barbie Girls," the first new Barbie concept in four years... The new versions include "Overmedicated Barbie," "Bald Barbie," and "Rehab Barbie."
Thousands gathered at the courthouse in Nassau, Bahamas to learn the results of DNA tests to determine the paternity of Anna Nicole's baby... And the lucky dad?----Sanjaya Malakar.
Vehicles were banned from the streets as Iraqis celebrated the fourth anniversary of the fall of Baghdad... Marking the event by toppling a statue of Alberto Gonzales.
The Army will pay $1 billion in recruitment bonuses this year... Wouldn't it make more sense just to pay the insurgents to stop blowing them up?
The Journal Public Health reports a 24% increase in the morbidly obese over the last five years... And that was just Valerie Bertinelli.
British military authorities have withdrawn their permission for those captured sailors and Marines to sell their stories... But not before Faye Turney, the only woman in the group, signed to appear in Sports Illustrated's Swimsuit Issue.
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"I'm gonna talk about the ideal world, Chris. I've read----I understand reality. If you're asking me as the president, would I understand reality, I do."
George W. Bush 5/31/2000 On "Hardball"
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Bush reversed course and agreed to give the Guest Workers Program another shot... Much to the relief of the National Association of Illegal Immigrants who gave him a 21-leaf blower salute.
Bush's approval rating is 20 points below Bill Clinton's at the same point in his second term... Lesson here for future presidents: Better to do one person than the entire country.
Since 1950, more than 13,000 child molestation claims have been filed against the Catholic Church which to date has paid over $1.5 billion in claims... Which explains why Rog "Stonewall" Mahoney was recently spotted standing in line at a Pay Advance.
Chicago's Cardinal Francis George fractured his hip after slipping on some holy water... Attempting to walk across it, no doubt.
_______________________________________
Bob's book, "HOPE WRITER: My Life On The Road With Bob Hope," recounting his hilarious adventures with the legendary comedian, is now available FREE online at:
www.Hope-writer.blogspot.com
_______________________________________
In an article on the Supreme Court, USA Today reports that "occasionally Roberts and Scalia launch into rapid, back and forth dialogues that recall the routines of Abbott and Costello".... While Clarence Thomas leans more toward Norm Crosby and Professon Backwards.
Thomas "sometimes goes for months without asking a question," the article goes on to say... Which is no surprise. Why open your mouth and remove all doubt?
Bitterly cold weather blanketed the east coast on Easter... It was so cold, worshipers at the Cathedral of St. John the Devine crucified Al Roker.
Mitt Romney, who claims to be "a lifelong hunter," has actually been hunting only twice... Once with Cheney and once with Phil Spector.
A Northwest Airlines flight from Las Vegas to Detroit was canceled because the pilot was yelling obscenities while passengers were boarding... I know what you're thinking----Who knew Imus could fly a plane?
Russian cosmonauts traditionally urinate on the tire of the bus ferrying them to the launch pad... Our astronauts don't have to do that because----well, you know.
A man completed a 9-week, 3272 mile swim down the Amazon River while suffering diarrhea, vertigo, hypertension, dizziness, nausea and delirium... He later said it was like watching 15 reruns of "American Idol" in a row.
It cost ex-Microsoft exec Charles Simonyi $25 million to fly to the International Space Station... Pretty steep until you consider he gets credit for 1,600,800,000 frequent flyer miles.
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"There's no question that the minute I got elected, the storm clouds on the horizon were getting directly overhead."
George W. Bush 5/11/2001 Washington, D.C.
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Shock jock Don Imus draws the ire of MSNBC and CBS executives after calling members of the Rutgers womens basketball team "a bunch of nappy-headed ho's."... Which pretty much puts the kibosh on his co-starring Broadway debut with Michael Richards in "Pride and Prejudice."
Martha Stewart prepared a gourmet meal for boyfriend Charles Simonyi's civilian space flight that included quail roasted in Madiran wine, duck breast confit with capers, shredded chicken parmentier, apple fondant pieces, rice pudding with candied fruit and semolina cake with dried apricots... All washed down with a vintage bottle of 1938 Baron de Rothschild Tang.
Those captured British sailors and Marines now claim they were "separated, stripped, given pajamas and then put in solitary confinement."----No, wait a minute, that was Prince William after he was caught cupping the breast of that 19-year old girl in a pub.
Monica Goodling, the Gonzales aide scheduled to testify in the Senate hearings on the federal prosecutor firings, has resigned... Same day rats jumped from a Greek cruise ship about to sink in the Aegean. Coincidence?
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"See, we love----we love freedom. That's what they didn't understand. They hate things; we love things; They act out of hatred; we don't seek revenge, we seek justice out of love."
George W. Bush 8/21/2002 Oklahoma City, OK
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(Photo Caption) LA's Cardinal Roger Mahoney kisses the feet of a parishioner at Our Lady of the Angels Cathedral during a traditional Easter Week ceremony... Not to be confused with his annual Law Day tradition of kissing the ass of his criminal defense lawyers.
Christians across the globe celebrated Good Friday by reenacting the crucifixion of Jesus... Police in Burbank had to be called when Sanjaya Malakar tried to have himself nailed to Paula Abdul.
Gordon Hinckey, president of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, defends the Book of Mormon, believed to have been translated from gold printing plates delivered to Joseph Smith by an angel... Despite persistent rumors that he bought them online from the Franklin Mint.
The New York Police Department has hired their first Muslim chaplin... Following a stringent job interview that included water boarding.
The Phil Spector trial prosecutor has challenged testimony from defense witness "Punkin Pie" Laughlin who claims victim Lana Clarkson "used Vicodin recreationally and was suicidal."... The prosecution hopes to defuse Pumpkin Pie's testimony with their own witness, "Peach Cobbler" McDuff.
Reversing a decades-long policy, Disney will now allow gay marriages in their Fairy Tale Wedding Program at theme parks and cruise ships... First couple to break the ice: Jiminey Cricket and Thumper.
_______________________________________
Bob's book, "HOPE WRITER: My Life On The Road With Bob Hope," recounting his hilarious adventures with the legendary comedian, is now available FREE online at:
www.Hope-writer.blogspot.com
_______________________________________
"The Screamer," a thrill ride at an amusement park near Sacramento, ejects riders who scream... Theme park officials say they got the idea from Magic Mountain's "The Fornicator."
The Journal of the National Academy of Dermatology reports that 24% of Americans between 18 and 50 sport tattoos... Twelve percent of which contain words that are misspelled.
Keith Richards told the British magazine NME that he snorted his father's ashes mixed with cocaine... Not to be outdone, Frederick von Alholt claims he snorted Anna Nicole Smith.
Country song writer Billy Joe Shaver, author of several Willie Nelson hits, was charged with shooting a man outside Papa Joe's Texas Saloon in Lorena... Ironically, his big hit was "Mama, Don't Let Your Babies Grow Up To Be Dick Cheney."
In Louisiana, five fifth graders have been accused of having sex in a classroom while other students watched while acting as lookouts... The investigation continues at New Orleans' Charlie Sheen Elementary.
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"The best way to relieve families from time is to let them keep some of their own money."
George W. Bush 9/13/2000 Westminster, CA
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A recent study by Allstate Insurance found that the slowest drivers in the nation live in Des Moines, Iowa...
Makes sense when you think about it. Where would they be in a rush to get to?
Dubbed "PrayerFlight," twenty-eight people flew over Cincinnati praying for Ohio's 11 million residents... Must have been grounded during the recent NCAA playoff game.
One day after he was hired, Arkansas basketball coach Dana Altman quit, saying "I wish I would have come to that decision earlier."... And we wish you would have spent more time in Freshman English, Dana.
A gay retirement home has opened in Hollywood, Florida... They have a nice golf course, but someone keeps rearranging the furniture in the clubhouse.
The rise in motorcycle fatalities has spurred efforts to pass more helmet laws... Which kind of defeats the purpose since motorcycles have traditionally been nature's way of thinning out the population.
A French V-150 high-speed train reached 357.2 mph, four short of the record held by the Japanese... Amtrak, of course, still holds the speed record for a train OFF the tracks.
McCain, once a GOP front-runner, now trails Romney in fund raising by $12 million... Even worse news for supporters of the aging hawk, Mrs. Giuliani now says she was once married to him.
To better accomodate smaller space vehicles, NASA will revise their height and weight requirements for astronauts... Also, continence is now a deciding factor during employment interviews.
Three Disney employees were among 28 child predators caught in a Florida sting operation... A reliable source within the rodent kingdom identified them as Sneezy, Grumpy and Doc.
The most popular names for boy babies in 2005 were Jacob, Michael and Joshua... Least popular: Karl, Alberto and George.
Bush visited Walter Reed Army Hospital and apologized for the scandal... Well, he sure as hell wasn't there to visit Tony Snow.
Bush warns Iran: "Give back the British hostages. They're innocent. They didn't do anything wrong."
You know, like those prosecutors he canned.
_______________________________________
Bob's book, "HOPE WRITER: My Life On The Road With Bob Hope," recounting his hilarious adventures with the legendary comedian, is now available FREE online at:
www.Hope-writer.blogspot.com
_______________________________________
A New York art museum removed an anatomically correct statue of Jesus made of chocolate after Cardinal Thomas Egan complained... Actually, there were two chocolate statues. The one with nuts pulled the card's rosary beads.
A French nun, Sister Marie Simon-Pierre, claims Pope John Paul II cured her Parkinson's Disease... When pressed, she admits it also could have been Penn and Teller.
Religious leaders are lobbying for immigrants' citizenship. LA's Mahoney says "The Catholic Church has helped every wave of immigrants coming to the US."... You got that right, Rog----a veritable Big Rock Candy Mountain of potential priest pedophilia victims.
As a condition of their bankruptcy filing, the Diocese of San Diego released the names of 38 priests accused of child sex abuse... Sniffed "Stonewall" Mahoney, "We release twice that many at a time."
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"I need to be able to move the right people to the right place at the right time to protect you, and I'm not going to accept a lousy bill out of the United Nations Senate."
George W. Bush 10/31/2002 South Bend, Indiana
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Ernest Hemingway and Marlene Dietrich exchanged love letters over many years, but never slept together, the newly discovered letters show... Not that they didn't try. Talullah Bankhead kept jumping into bed between them.
Hispanic groups say Ken Burns' upcoming documentary on World War II shortchanges Latinos' contribution to the war effort... Seems Ken somehow overlooked the Fifth Cavalry's elite Pinata and Mariachi Battalion.
Michael Jackson was "under the weather" recently, according to a spokesperson... He was pale, clammy, his voice was squeaky----no, wait a minute---that's when he's normal.
Nevada chalks up more murders annually than any other state... Most of them unsolved since what happens there----well, you know the rest.
Meredith Viera told Ladies Home Journal that she suffers from "gephydrophia"----a phobic fear of crossing bridges... Primarily bridges over troubled waters... to nowhere... too far... and Todd.
University of Toledo running back "Scooter" McDougal, Jr. was charged with throwing games for a car, a free cell phone, merchandise, gifts and cash... Say it ain't so, Scooter.
Brigham Young University is being urged by students and faculty to recind Dick Cheney's invitation to deliver this year's commencement address because "he lacks personal honesty and integrity"... Ol' "Shotgun" just doesn't measure up to the standards set last year by Tom DeLay.
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"I strongly believe we're doing the right thing. If I didn't believe it----I'm going to repeat what I said before----I'd pull the troops out, nor if I believed we could win, I would pull the troops out."
George W. Bush 4/6/2006 Charlotte, North Carolina
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THE LAUGH MAKERS: A Leonard Maltin "Top 20" Year End Pick!
DOLORES HOPE MEDLEY
DOLORES HOPE "Silver Bells" (with Bob)
BOB HOPE'S 1983 U.S. COLLEGE CAMPUS TOUR: Your Alma Mater Here?
"Having spent twenty years writing for the indefatigable Bob Hope, and traveling all over the world, Bob Mills is well qualified to salute the famous corps of gag men who kept the comedian knee-deep in jokes. These first-hand recollections summon up the final phase of Hope’s career—and the end of the trail for an entire brand of show business."
http://www.leonardmaltin.com/2009YearEndBookSurvey.htm
http://www.leonardmaltin.com/2009YearEndBookSurvey.htm
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WakiLeaks: History Declassified 2000 (Vol. One) is now available on Kindle for $2.99
Compiled from Bob's newsletter "Funnyside Up" published in 2000. This is a yuck and chuckle-filled stroll down memory lane to a time before the Bush administration had inflicted its damage -- a time before the search for WMDs and Osama bin Laden. See what we were laughing at back then, who was in the news and who had yet to enter rehab -- which NFL stars had yet to do time in the Gray Bar Hotel.
http://www.amazon.com/dp/B004IZLXIQ
http://www.amazon.com/dp/B0041D9EPO
And if you're not yet a Kindle owner, when you purchase your new lower-priced Kindle with a capacity of 3500 books, be sure to sign up for our daily blog so you won't miss one issue of the web's most entertaining and insightful comments on the day's events... or a single serialized installment of THE LAUGH MAKERS. Order your Kindle today!
WakiLeaks: History Declassified 2000 (Vol. One) is now available on Kindle for $2.99
Compiled from Bob's newsletter "Funnyside Up" published in 2000. This is a yuck and chuckle-filled stroll down memory lane to a time before the Bush administration had inflicted its damage -- a time before the search for WMDs and Osama bin Laden. See what we were laughing at back then, who was in the news and who had yet to enter rehab -- which NFL stars had yet to do time in the Gray Bar Hotel.
http://www.amazon.com/dp/B004IZLXIQ