TO RECEIVE E-MAIL UPDATES OF THIS BLOG, SEND A BLANK MESSAGE TO:
FunnySideUp-subscribe@Topica.com
_______________________________________
The White House announced that press secretary Tony Snow's colon cancer had returned... Rush Limbaugh immediately claimed that Tony timed the announcement to drum up sympathy for Bush's failed Iraq war strategy.
Country warbler Wynonna Judd has filed for divorce from her hubby, J.R. Rouch after a Nashville grand jury charged him with with sexual assault on a minor... Or, as they call it in Tennessee----"dating."
A coroner's report indicated that Anna Nichol Smith's body contained traces of Ativan, Cipro, Klonopin, Methedone, Noctec, Robaxin, Soma, Topamax, Tylenol, Benadryl, Nicorette, Tamiflu and vitamin B-12... On a less pathetic note, she died a majority stockholder in Johnson & Johnson, Merck and Pfizer.
Bush administration hack Monica Goodling, senior laison between the Justice Department and the White House, will plead the Fifth Amendment when appearing before Congress... And that comes straight from her lawyer, Nunzio "Tony the Lip" Frappiano.
Monica is a graduate of a law school founded by Pat Robertson... Thank God her legal skills are beyond question.
_______________________________________
Bob's book, "HOPE WRITER: My Life On The Road With Bob Hope," recounting his hilarious adventures with the legendary comedian, is now available FREE online at:
www.Hope-writer.blogspot.com
_______________________________________
The Inspector General reports that the $5 billion interagency communications network between the FBI, the DEA and the ATF does not work... They
concluded that it would be cheaper and more effective to just tap one another's phones.
A recent government survey shows that there are about 14,000 offenses prosecutable under federal law... Bush and his henchmen have vowed to test every one of them.
ESPN has sacked Joe Theisman and replaced him with Ron Jaworski as a Monday Night Football analyst... But on a brighter note, the producers did present him with the "Dennis Miller Trophy of Color Commentary Excellence."
Actor Eddie Griffin totaled his producer's $1.3 million Ferrari Enzo while practicing for a celebrity race promoting his new movie "Redline."... Thank goodness the car was fully insurred----with only a $400,000 deductible.
Nutty astronaut Lisa Nowak reported for her first day on her new job writing instruction manuals for the navy... Her first entry----"Place Depends on a flat surface absorbant side up."
FBI chief Robert Mueller testified before the Senate's Judiciary Committee on the Inspector General's findings of "sloppiness, mistakes and confusion" by agents... On a more positive note, there was no evidence of cross-dressing.
_______________________________________
"America stands for liberty, for the pursuit of happiness, and for the unalienable right of life."
George W. Bush 11/4/2003 Washington, DC
_______________________________________
Several Annapolis midshipmen are accused of "groping female passengers and offering alcohol to underage girls" during a Spring Break cruise to the Caribbean... They are all stationed aboard the navy's training vessel, the "USS Roman Polanski."
A Delaware court will decide who owns memorabilia from Elvis's doctor including a nasal irregation device and a laryngeal scope used to examine the throat... Also on the list is a 1952 Gibson Stratocaster with which the doctor performed colonoscopies on the King.
_______________________________________
TO RECEIVE E-MAIL UPDATES OF THIS BLOG, SEND A BLANK MESSAGE TO:
FunnySideUp-subscribe@Topica.com
_______________________________________
The British tabloid "The Sun" ran a photograph of Prince William in a pub cupping the breast of Lisa Agar, 19... An ancient Royal Family tradition that automatically conveys the title of "Vicountess" on the lucky recipient.
A new study shows widespread gambling on college campuses nationwide... One telltale sign that your kid may be involved----his faculty advisor is named Shorty "Daily Double" Lefkowitz and he makes house calls.
Official Beijing Olympics medals are unveiled----in gold with the 2008 Games logo and five interlocking rings... "Made in Taiwan" is stamped on the back.
Celebrity photographer Annie Leibowitz has been commissioned by Buckingham Palace to provide the queen's official portrait during her US visit in May... Liz agreed to sit for Annie anywhere but on the throne.
_______________________________________
"You're free. And freedom is beautiful. And, you know, it will take time to restore chaos and order----order out of chaos. But we will."
George W. Bush 4/13/2003 Washington, DC
_______________________________________
The Congressional "Prayer Caucus Foundation" is encouraging Americans to pray for America... Preferably while kneeling on a prayer rug and facing
James Dobson.
Over the weekend, suicide bombers killed 47 people in Baghdad, 10 in Tal Afar, 11 in Haswa, and 20 in Quim. A total of 125 were wounded... The good news is the "surge" appears to be working. The bad news is----it's theirs.
Regis Philbin says the amount of pain resulting from his recent heart bypass surgery "surprised" him... Much worse, he claims, than the pain he went through during his Kathy Lee Giffordectomy.
Iran seized eight sailors and seven Royal Marines from the HMS Cornwall for "entering Iranian territorial waters." So far, it appears the British hostages have undergone intense interrogation and a routine dental exam.
Iran's president, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad canceled a scheduled UN appearance after visas for members of his entourage failed to arrive in time. Also, he couldn't get reservations at Elaine's.
Mel Gibson told a Cal State Northridge Central American Studies professor to "F--- off!" after she challenged the historical accuracy of "Apocalypto." Which makes absolutely no sense since she's not even Jewish.
The Pentagon now admits that Pat Tillman's death in Afghanistan by friendly fire was covered up by nine officers including four generals... Looks like another one of those "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" policies they're so fond of.
The California legislature is considering a bill to legalize assisted suicide... Until now, only the producers of "American Idol" have been legally allowed to do that.
Historians now agree that Jamestown settlers and not those at Plymouth Rock were the first to bring tobacco, slavery and cannibalism to the New World... Or, as they called it, New Jersey.
_______________________________________
Bob's book, "HOPE WRITER: My Life On The Road With Bob Hope," recounting his hilarious adventures with the legendary comedian, is now available FREE online at:
www.Hope-writer.blogspot.com
_______________________________________
After 40 years of service, the navy carrier USS John F. Kennedy was decommissioned... Which means the last Kennedy Family connection to the sea is the Chapaquiddick Bridge.
The author of the thriller novel "The Heart Shaped Box," Jim Hill, now admits that he's the eldest son of Stephen King... and his then wife, Cujo.
The Cincinnati Pops has canceled a scheduled concert featuring "Dukes of Hazzard" stars Tom Wopat and John Schneider after the NAACP complained... Looks like "An Evening With Michael Richards" may be on thin ice, too.
The body of Harry Houdini will be exhumed to determine if he was poisoned in 1927 and didn't die from an appendicitis as reported at the time... If the investigation is successful, next they plan to dig up Abe Vigoda.
Supermodel Naomi Campbell has completed her community service with Manhattan's Department of Sanitation for throwing a cell phone at her maid... She served her sentence by throwing her cell phone at homeless persons sleeping in unauthorized areas of the New York Subway.
Pamela Anderson and Denise Richards have been sued by two celebrity photographers for tossing their laptops off a hotel balcony... The case was brought under California's new Naomi Campbell cell phone law.
CBS has switched the Evening News to a "more formal" format, instructing Katie Couric to open with "Hello, everyone" instead of her usual "Hi." However, a substantial portion of the audience won't rest until they hear "Goodbye, everyone."
_______________________________________
"We need an energy bill that encourages consumption."
George W. Bush 9/15/2002 Trenton, New Jersey
_______________________________________
TO RECEIVE E-MAIL UPDATES OF THIS BLOG, SEND A BLANK MESSAGE TO:
FunnySideUp-subscribe@Topica.com
_______________________________________
A missing Boy Scout was rescued after spending three days and nights in the woods of North Carolina. Which is weird since he disappeared while helping an old lady cross a street in downtown Pittsburgh.
Al Gore testified before Congress on the effects of global warming. Waiving the usual rule, Nancy Pelosi allowed him to be sworn in on his Oscar.
A Miami court announced that the trial of astronaut Lisa Nowak will begin sometime between July 30 and August 12. Meanwhile, NASA engineers are rushing to replace missing tiles on her Huggies.
The New York City Council has been asked to name 53rd Street and 8th Avenue "Jerry Orbach Corner." Which would put it about midway between Telly Savalas Boulevard and Rue de Jack Lord.
Teachers in France have gone on strike to protest job cuts... and discontinuance of the traditional midmorning chardonnay and brie break.
Defense Secretary Bob Gates tells "Face the Nation": "This is not going to be solved by the military." Which must come as swell news to a grunt who's just had his ass blown off.
_______________________________________
"We've tripled the amount of money----I believe it's from $50 million up to $195 million available."
George W. Bush 3/23/2002 Lima, Peru
_______________________________________
Chiquita has admitted hiring Colombian terrorists to protect its banana crops. You think that's shocking---- the head terrorist was Juan Valdez.
Congress will hold hearings to name the new $127 million federal courthouse in Jackson, Mississippi. One proposal is to rotate the names of dead southern political hacks on a monthly basis.
The body of a woman who died on a British Airways flight from Delhi to London was moved from coach to First Class. Apparently part of their current "Fly Dead For an Upgrade" promotion.
Sports Business Daily has reported that Tiger Woods and Payton Manning are the "most marketable" professional athletes in the world today. Replacing last year's winners, Mike Tyson and Tonya Harding.
After appeals to the Iraq Supreme Court failed, Saddam Hussein's number two man was hanged in Baghdad to Bush's great relief. The guy's his head remained attached to his body during the entire procedure.
_______________________________________
Bob's book, "Hope Writer: On the Road With Bob Hope," recounting his hilarious adventures with the legendary comedian, is now available FREE online:
www.Hope-Writer.blogspot.com
_______________________________________
Hooters has announced that they will open a restaurant in Israel... on a site near the Wailing Wall to remind worshippers what they're praying for.
Don King has been granted an audience with Pope Benedict XVI. Don's in Rome to drum up support for a title match between Ben and Billy Graham.
Ending an association lasting decades, Sir Paul McCartney has left Capitol Records to sign with Starbucks new label. But fans fear his first album may be hard to play through a cardboard heatshield wrapper.
After Arnold Schwarzenegger called Rush Limbaugh "irrelevant," the two went head-to-head on Limbaugh's radio show. Which just goes to prove that body-building steroids and illegal prescription drugs don't mix.
The Pentagon reports that sexual assaults in the military rose 24% last year. And that's not even counting astronauts.
A six foot one, off-duty Chicago cop is charged with beating up a 125 pound, five foot four barmaid. The assault was caught by the surveillance camera at Ike Turner's Bruise 'N' Pummel Pub on the Loop.
_______________________________________
"It's in our country's interests to find those who would do harm to us and get them out of harm's way."
George W. Bush 4/28/2005 Washington, D.C.
_______________________________________
TO RECEIVE E-MAIL UPDATES OF THIS BLOG, SEND A BLANK MESSAGE TO:
FunnySideUp-subscribe@Topica.com
_______________________________________
[] A drunk passenger jumped from a Carnival cruise ship off the coast of Miami and survived eight hours in 70 degree water. (USA Today 3/17)
Saved after someone tossed him an emergency midnight buffet.
_______________________________________
[] Cate Blanchett announced that she'll star opposite Harrison Ford in "Indiana Jones IV." (Associated Press 3/18)
She'll play Indiana's caregiver.
_______________________________________
[] Former nanny Melissa Dumas will write a tell-all book about her former boss, Madonna. (Associated Press 3/18)
Who she'll claim once threw Rosie O'Donnell at her.
_______________________________________
[] "Fashion Week" kicked off in Los Angeles. (Associated Press 3/18)
Hottest new summer outfit----the "Depends Bikini" from Malibu's Nutty Astronaut Swimwear.
_______________________________________
[] The 555 passenger Super Jumbo Airbus weighs over a million pounds. (Associated Press 3/18)
A quarter of which is luggage belonging to passengers on other planes.
_______________________________________
"I know what I believe. I will continue to articulate what I believe and what I believe... I believe what I believe is right."
George W. Bush 6/22/2001 Rome, Italy
_______________________________________
[] Pete Rose has admitted that he bet on every Cincinnati Reds game while their manager. (Cable News Network 3/19)
But staying within the rules. He swears he used a designated bookie.
_______________________________________
[] Heather Mills will compete on "Dancing With The Stars." (Cable News Network 3/19)
Yoko Ono is already demanding a voter boycott.
_______________________________________
[] Barack Obama is closing the gap on Democratic front-runner Hillary Clinton. (Time Magazine 3/26)
Who is pulling out all the stops. Last night, she burned a pantsuit on his front lawn.
_______________________________________
[] Snowstorms caused US Airways to strand 100,000 passengers across the country. (Cable News Network 3/19)
Many of whom begged security officers to frisk them----just to keep warm.
_______________________________________
[] The FBI reports that $2.5 billion will be bet on the NCAA Championships. (Time Magazine 3/27)
Office betting the J Edgarites are good at----it's laptop computers they can't seem to keep track of.
_______________________________________
Bob's book, "Hope Writer: On the Road With Bob Hope," recounting his hilarious adventures as a writer for the legendary comedian, is now available FREE online:
www.Hope-Writer.blogspot.com
_______________________________________
[] In Athens, "300" topped all comers in box office grosses. (ABC News 3/14)
Oiled bodies writhing in mortal combat... hey, it's Greece.
_______________________________________
[] Ex-Senator Fred Thompson may make a presidential bid in 2008. (Associated Press 3/19)
Next to Bush, even an aging ham actor is starting to look good.
_______________________________________
"If you don't have any ambitions, the minimum-wage job isn't going to get you where you want to get, for example. In other words, what is your ambitions? And, oh, by the way if that is your ambition, here's what it's going to take to achieve it."
George W. Bush 8/29/2002 Little Rock, AK
_______________________________________
[] Bill Maher will host a documentary on world religions to be released in theaters in the fall. (Cable News Network 3/15)
Closely followed by sequels on Tarot card reading, astrology and UFO's.
_______________________________________
[] Los Angeles will install cameras in its police partol cars. (USA Today 3/19)
Edited versions of the police beating up suspects are expected to go directly to DVD.
_______________________________________
[] The trial of Phil Spector, accused of murdering Lana Clarkson, has begun in Los Angeles. (Associated Press 3/19)
Picking a jury of his peers may be a problem----unless O.J., Bobby Blake and Michael Jackson answer their summonses.
_______________________________________
TO RECEIVE E-MAIL UPDATES OF THIS BLOG, SEND A BLANK MESSAGE TO:
FunnySideUp-subscribe@Topica.com
_______________________________________
[] Regis Philbin undergoes triple heart bypass surgery. (USA Today 3/13)
After his doctors told him he'd face death----or worse, turn into another Dick Cheney.
_______________________________________
[] Local priests in Mexico cleansed Myan ruins of "evil spirits" after Bush visit. (Associated Press 3/13)
Which came as quite a surprise since everyone thought Rove had stayed behind in Washington.
_______________________________________
[] New film "300" glorifies the "Spartan Code" embraced by Marines celebrating war, militarism and battlefield carnage. (Los Angeles Times 3/14)
Bush calls it a "date movie."
_______________________________________
[] Marine General Peter Pace calls gay troops "immoral." (Associated Press 3/14)
Tsk, tsk... and after they provided all those muscular, oiled bodies that make the "Spartan Code" so much fun.
_______________________________________
[] Only 62% of West Point graduates stay beyond their five-year commitment. (USA Today 3/12)
Looks like a cushy job at Halliburton or Fox News trumps the good ol' Spartan Code.
_______________________________________
[] VIP suites at Walter Reed Army Hospital are reserved for government dignitaries, Supreme Court justices, visiting world leaders and enlisted men who have won the Congressional Medal of Honor. (USA Today 3/16)
And even then, only if they agree to another tour in Iraq.
_______________________________________
"I think we are welcomed. But it was not a peaceful welcome."
George W. Bush 12/12/2005 Philadelphia
_______________________________________
Bob's book, "Hope Writer: On the Road With Bob Hope," recounting his hilarious adventures as a writer for the legendary comedian, is now available FREE online:
www.Hope-Writer.blogspot.com
_______________________________________
[] Pope Benedict XVI tells Catholics: "Abortion, gay marriage and priestly celibacy are not negotiable." (USA Today 3/14)
Like, say, the civil damages Father Feely incurred buggering altar boys.
_______________________________________
[] In his new book,"John Paul II, My Beloved," the pope calls Bob Dylan a "false prophet." (Associated Press 3/12)
I know what you're thinking. What's that "beloved" all about.
_______________________________________
[] Ford will offer a line of pink Mustangs aimed at the female market. (Associated Press 3/12)
Equipped pretty much the same as the male version except the air conditioner has three settings "Too hot," "Just Right" and "Wait a minute, I changed my mind."
_______________________________________
[] Kohler is now offering home builders "his" and "hers" toilets. (USA Today 3/16)
Guess which one's seat is permanently up.
_______________________________________
[] Rappers Grand Master Flash and the Furious Five were inducted in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. (Cable News Network 3/12)
That low rumble you hear is the Big Bopper, Buddy Holly and Richie Valens----shifting positions.
_______________________________________
"I am going to work with every Cabinet member to set a series of goals for each Cabinet."
George W. Bush 1/2/2001 Austin, TX
_______________________________________
TO RECEIVE E-MAIL UPDATES OF THIS BLOG, SEND A BLANK MESSAGE TO:
FunnySideUp-subscribe@Topica.com
_______________________________________
[] An archery club in Pennsylvania was charged with using live, domestic turkeys for target practice. (Associated Press 3/10)
Or, as Cheney calls it-----"hunting."
_______________________________________
[] Thousands of protesters in Uraguay taunt Bush, yelling "Murderer!" and "Fascist!" (Associated Press 3/10)
Which came as a surprise to Bush who had no idea Scooter Libby spoke Spanish.
_______________________________________
[] Miami Beach hosts "Models For Christ" to "bring faith to the fashion industry." (Associated Press 3/10)
Held in the Cathedral of St. Laurent.
_______________________________________
[] Gingrich admits to adultery while leading the charge to impeach Clinton. (USA Today 3/9)
Worse, with Mrs. Giuliani.
_______________________________________
[] General Petraeus warns of "long road ahead" before troops can be withdrawn. (USA Today 3/9)
And that's just from Walter Reed.
_______________________________________
"Listen, I want to thank the leaders of the... in the faith... faith... faith-based and community-based community for being here."
George W. Bush 9/6/2005 Washington
_______________________________________
[] James Brown's body has finally been placed in a crypt. (Associated Press 3/11)
But only after DNA samples ruled him out as the father of Anna Nicole's baby.
_______________________________________
[] Texas evangelical group Teen Mania gathers in San Francisco to "decry homosexuality as a sin." (Associated Press 3/11)
After being presented by the mayor with the Key to the Bath Houses.
_______________________________________
[] LA Sheriff's Office hires Jackie Chan to help recruit Asians. (Associated Press 3/11)
Step One: Convincing them that donuts are better for you than fortune cookies.
_______________________________________
_______________________________________
Bob's book, "Hope Writer: On the Road With Bob Hope,"
recounting his hilarious adventures as a writer for the
legendary comedian, is now available FREE online:
www.Hope-Writer.blogspot.com
_______________________________________
_______________________________________
[] New poll shows that 60% of Americans can't name five of the Ten Commandments. (USA Today 3/8)
Twenty-seven percent of those think the First Commandment is "Thou Shalt Not Have Sex With Contestants----Paula."
_______________________________________
[] New PGA Tour event has a military theme, admits GI's free. (USA Today 3/8)
Instead of sand traps----improvised explosive devices.
_______________________________________
[] Counterfeit vintage wine was found among bottles auctioned to collectors by Christies for up to $100,000 a bottle. (USA Today 3/8)
So convincing, the cast drank a bottle of it during the filming of "Sideways."
_______________________________________
[] Security screeners at LAX found wires and magnets hidden in a passenger's anal cavity. (Associated Press 3/7)
Flight attendants became suspicious when they noticed he kept sticking to the door of the galley refrigerator.
_______________________________________
[] Poll shows that 50% of Americans think that Sodom and Gomorrah were married. (USA Today 3/8)
And had a child----Ted Haggard.
_______________________________________
"As Luce reminded me, he said, without data, without facts, without information, the discussions about public education mean that a person is just another opinion."
George W. Bush 9/9/2003 Jacksonville, FL
_______________________________________
[] Scooter Libby was convicted on four counts of perjury and obstruction of justice. (Los Angeles Times 3/7)
His parents were convicted on one count of naming a kid "Scooter."
_______________________________________
[] Walter Reed Army Hospital Director Gen. George Wright was stripped of his command after the Washington Post exposed mistreatment of wounded soldiers. (USA Today 3/2)
During a formal ceremony in the lobby, he was stripped of his epaulets... the scrambled eggs on his hat were unscrambled... and you don't want to know what they did with his stethoscope.
_______________________________________
[] Bush has departed on a seven-day, five-nation tour of South America to discuss health care, education and business development. (USA Today 3/6)
And if these countries don't agree to help us, next he'll try Africa.
_______________________________________
[] Kobe Bryant was suspended for slugging Timberwolf guard, Marko Jaric. (USA Today 3/8)
This morning he sent Marko a diamond ring.
_______________________________________
[] Thousands of new $1 gold coins were circulated without the printing along the edge spelling out "In God We Trust" and "E Pluribus Unum." (USA Today 3/8)
Still others were jumbled to spell out "George Bush Is An Idiot."
_______________________________________
"The fact that he relies on facts... says things that are not factual... are going to undermine his campaign."
George W. Bush 5/4/2000 New York Times
_______________________________________
[] A court in Amsterdam, Holland ruled that the Hells Angels are not a criminal group. (Associated Press 3/7)
"Justice is served," said the group's leader, Lars "Mad Killer Daddy" Nordquist.
_______________________________________
[] Ernest Gallo, who along with his brother Julio, founded the Gallo Winery, is dead at age 97. (Associated Press 3/7)
He'll be buried Tuesday... in an oak-lined casket.
_______________________________________
[] A 65-year old cross removed from the altar at William & Mary College after non-Christians complained, has been returned, but now in a glass-enclosed display case. (Associated Press 3/7)
To emphasize its non-religious significance, it was placed beside a gold record won in 1968 by Peter, Paul & Mary.
_______________________________________
[] Cheney says the Bush administration will do all it can to treat and protect our wounded warriors. (ABC News 3/6)
And that's just Scooter Libby.
_______________________________________
[] NBC is denying reports that Brian Williams was sent to Iraq against his will to boost sagging ratings. (USA Today 3/6)
Actually, Brian had no choice. When Bush suspended the right of habeas corpus, NBC went along.
_______________________________________
[] High-level talks have begun to establish formal diplomatic relations with North Korea, once part of Bush's "Axis of Evil." (USA Today 3/6)
Which Bush now calls the "Burmuda Triangle."
_______________________________________
[] Angelina Jolie has begun the process of adopting a Vietnamese child. (Associated Press 3/3)
Jane Fonda is in charge of the arrangements.
_______________________________________
[] A stolen Norman Rockwell painting was found in the art collection of Steven Spielberg. (Associated Press 3/3)
Steve told investigating officers that the work was a thank you gift from John Baluchi for "1941."
_______________________________________
[] Katy Couric's ratings have dipped 500,000 from the 7.5 million viewers she inherited from Bob Schieffer. (USA Today 3/2)
CBS is getting so desprate, they're considering "Colonoscopy II."
_______________________________________
[] WaveBox has introduced a microwave oven that operates in a car. (USA Today 3/2)
And you thought New York cabs had some weird, foreign odors before.
_______________________________________
[] Daytona Beach, FL welcomed thousands of two-wheelers celebrating "Bike Week." (USA Today 3/5)
Led by Grand Marshal, Peter Fonda.
_______________________________________
[] British police have launched an anti-terrorism ad campaign asking the public to report suspicious behavior. (USA Today 3/5)
While keeping a close eye on Elton John and Boy George.
_______________________________________
"I don't bring God into my life to... to, you know... kind of be a political person."
George W. Bush 4/24/2003 Air Force One
_______________________________________
TO RECEIVE E-MAIL UPDATES OF THIS BLOG, SEND A BLANK MESSAGE TO:
FunnySideUp-subscribe@topica.com
_______________________________________
[] March 2 marked the Annual World Day of Prayer. (USA Today 3/2)
Coninciding, appropriately enough, with the Annual Convention of the World's Gods, Dieties, Icons and Idols meeting in Sparta to elect a new president to succeed Muhammed whose two-year tenure expired on the Ides of February.
At press time, front-runners in the secret balloting appear to be Buddha, Zeus and Mr. Clean, with a strong showing from Mrs. Christ thanks to the publicity being generated by James Cameron.
Workshop seminars this year include "How To Avoid Repeating the Ted Haggart Debacle," "Theology----Hey, It's Not Rocket Science!" and "Seven Steps to Becoming All-Knowing."
_______________________________________
[] GOP presidential candidates addressed the 34th Annual Conservative Political Action Conference in Washington. (USA Today 3/1)
Widely believed to be the largest concentration of horses asses since Churchill Downs.
_______________________________________
[] Justice Department report says federal death sentence appeals take too long, traumatize victims' families. (USA Today 3/1)
Bush and his henchmen would like to schedule them after the execution.
_______________________________________
[] Bush introduces new designs for nuclear warheads. (New York Times 3/3)
To replace the old nucular ones.
_______________________________________
[] Cheney flies in a military C-140 named "The Strom Thurmond." (HBO 3/2)
It's easy to spot. Instead of a windshield, eye holes.
_______________________________________
"Will the highways on the Internet become more few?"
George W. Bush 1/29/2000 Concord, NH
_______________________________________
[] Astronaut is charged with attempted kidnapping, set free on bond with an ankle tracking device. (Associated Press 3/3)
Which she must wear 24-7 along with her NASA-issued "Round Tripper" Depends.
_______________________________________
[] McCain tells Letterman "Iraq has wasted American lives." (Associated Press 3/1)
He later apologized, claiming he was looking at the band at the time and...
_______________________________________
[] "Titanic" director James Cameron claims to have proof in his documentary "The Last Tomb of Jesus" that Jesus was married. (USA Today 2/26)
"In the name of the Father... and of the Son... and of the Daughter-In-Law... and of the Holy Ghost... Amen."
_______________________________________
[] Jet Blue now offers passengers a "Bill of Rights" that protects them from being held captive on the tarmac. (USA Today 2/26)
It's printed on the free roll of Charmin you're supposed to use when the restrooms overflow.
_______________________________________
[] A 1908 Honus Wagner baseball card sold at auction for a record $2.35 million. (USA Today 2/24)
In a related story, a nude photo of Lindsay Wagner on her Sleep Number bed brought in $277.50.
_______________________________________
[] Queen Elizabeth may invite Oscar-winner Helen Mirren to tea. (Cable News Network 2/27)
Big question is whether curtsying will be required. Hey, if Helen demands a curtsy, she'll get it.
_______________________________________
[] (Photo Caption) "Miami Heat center Shaquille O'Neal towers over President Bush... " (USA Today 2/28)
Physically, too.
_______________________________________
[] Bush agrees to talks with Iran and Syria, aid to North Korea, countries he once dubbed the "Axis of Evil." (USA Today 3/1)
His new "Axis of Evil": Brittney, Paris and Lindsay.
_______________________________________
"I like my buddies from West Texas. I liked them when I was young, I liked them when I was middle-age, I liked them before I was president, and I like them during president, and I like them after president."
George W. Bush 2/1/06 Nashville,TN
_______________________________________
[] Cheney warns Pakistan President Musharraf: "You must get tough with Al Qaeda... " (ABC News 2/26)
"... take 'em dove hunting if need be."
_______________________________________
[] Al Gore will host a rock 'n' roll tour to drum up support for global warming. (NBC News 2/20)
Featured groups will include "Melting Glaciers," "The Melanomas" and "Wind, Fire and No Earth."
_______________________________________
[] Florida appeals court stays TV judge's order to bury Anna Nicole in the Bahamas. (Cable News Network 2/27)
But the judge did get some good news. He's next in line to replace Simon Cowell on "American Idol."
_______________________________________
[] Cheney's plane was repaired in Singapore after a generator failed. (USA Today 2/26)
According to a reliable source, he shot it while cleaning his 12-gauge.
_______________________________________
[] Vincent Pastore, "Big Pussy" on the Sopranos, bowed out of "Dancing With the Stars" during rehearsals, claiming it was "too physically demanding." (USA Today 3/1)
Not quite as demanding as sleeping with the fishes, but demanding.
_______________________________________
[] Hugh Hefner, 80, announces he's engaged to a 27-year old. (CBS News 2/28)
They're registered at Ripley's Believe It Or Not.
_______________________________________
[] Former Bush supporter Ricky Martin is now demanding an Iraq troop withdrawal. (NBC News 2/28)
Worse, he's dating one of the Dixie Chicks.
_______________________________________
"As you can possibly see, I have an injury myself... not here at the hospital but iun combat with a cedar. I eventually won. The cedar gave me alittle scratch. As a matter of fact, the Colonel asked if I needed first aid when she first saw me.I was able to avoid any major surgical operations here, but thanks for your compassion, Colonel."
George W. Bush 1/1/06 Amputee Care Center, Brooke Army Hospital
_______________________________________
[] Keifer Southerland tells West Point cadets: "Torture is wrong." (ABC News 2/28)
Except, of course, if the torturee is the right wing slime ball producer of "24," Joel Surnow.
_______________________________________
[] McCain to David Letterman: "I'm in the race." (NBC News 2/28)
Hillary Clinton to "The View": "If I lose I'll become a pantsuit model."
_______________________________________
[] Canada's Parliament cancels anti-terrorist law passed after 9/11. (USA Today 2/28)
After concluding that the only terrorists in Canada are hockey players.
_______________________________________
[] New York City Council votes a non-mandatory ban on use of the "N-word." (USA Today 2/28)
Which effectively reduces Chris Rock's act to about a minute and a half.
_______________________________________
[] An American Idol contestant faces dismissal after photos of her having sex appeared on the internet. (NBC News 2/27)
Everyone knows the only one on the show allowed to have sex publicly is Paula.
_______________________________________
[] The Gap closes its Fourth and Towne stores aimed at mature women. (Associated P ress 2/27)
It was probably a bad idea to show mannequins using walkers.
_______________________________________
[] Krispy Kreme unveils a donut with only 180 calories. (Associated Press 2/27)
Called a "Krispy Bagel."
_______________________________________
[] A man in Yuba City, CA died in a head on collision he caused by using his laptop while driving. (Associated Press 2/27)
Prompting the Yuba City Star Tribune Herald Press Democrat to headline: "MAN CRASHES WHILE COMPUTER DOESN'T."
_______________________________________
[] Al Sharpton may seek DNA test to prove he's not related to Strom Thurmond. (Associated Press 2/27)
They won't even have to dig up Strom. They'll get a sample from his pillow case with the eye holes.
_______________________________________
[] Some airports will post distance signs to help travelers who want to exercise between flights. (USA Today 2/27)
Those who prefer weight-lifting can bench press a Hari Krishna.
_______________________________________
[] An 84-year old woman in Portland, OR is charged with having sex with an 8-year old boy. (Associated Press 2/17)
She pleaded not guilty by reason of senility.
_______________________________________
[] Bank of America to issue credit cards to illegal immigrants. (NBC News 2/20)
Green, of course.
_______________________________________
[] HBO documentary "Friends of God" features Christian miniature golf where players play through the Tomb of Jesus. (USA Today 2/26)
So realistic that when they hit a cut-out of Moses, he parts the Red Sea water hazard.
_______________________________________
[] A Florida panel is reviewing the state's death row procedure after an inmate required an extra dose of chemicals to die. (USA Today 2/26)
They may have to go back to good ol' reliable lynching.
_______________________________________
[] Virginia becomes the first state to "express profound regret over the involuntary servitude of Africans and the exploitation of Native Americans." (USA Today 2/26)
Wal-Mart may soon follow suit.
_______________________________________
A Longtime Bob Hope Joke Writer Presents Daily Insightful Topical Satire Of Current Events (Illustrated) Plus Rare Photos From Hollywood's Bygone Era And Excerpts From THE LAUGH MAKERS By Robert L. Mills -- Color Photos From the Book and Rare Classic Vintage Video Clips! Send Your Show Biz Questions to "ASK BOB" at: TheLaughMakers@GMail.com
;
Sunday, February 25, 2007
[] Cheney visits Australia to drum up support for the war. (Associated Press 2/23)
At his welcoming ceremony, he was allowed to shoot an elderly aborigine in the face.
Next day, he was the keynote speaker at the annual convention of the International Association of Lesbian Dads.
_______________________________________
[] Jimmy Carter: "Cheney's batting average on the war has been abysmal." (ABC News 2/23)
His shotgun marksmanship has been nothing to write home about either.
_______________________________________
[] Carnival cruise tourists subdued muggers near San Jose, Costa Rica, snapping one's neck. (USA Today 2/23)
Using survival techniques learned at the Midnight Buffet.
They were on a theme cruise: "Discovering The Mysteries of South Central LA."
_______________________________________
[] The British Army in Afghanistan admits using psychics to help them locate Osama Bin Laden. (CNBC 2/22)
After astrologers recommended by Nancy Reagan failed.
_______________________________________
[] The Taliban has released seven more threatening videos. (Cable News Network 2/23)
Referred to at the Pentagon as a "boxed set."
_______________________________________
"I'm honored to shake the hand of the brave Iraqi citizen who had his hand cut off by Saddam Hussein."
George W. Bush 5/25/04 Washington, D.C.
_______________________________________
[] A new study shows that auto makers' milage claims are inflated. (ABC News 2/23)
And that "new car smell" lasts about half as long as they claim.
_______________________________________
[] The ACLU protests the use of super-sensitive airport x-ray machines. (ABC News 2/23)
Despite the TSA's offer to airbrush out your love handles.
_______________________________________
[] A Christian group sued a Philadelphia school for banning Jesus costumes on Halloween. (Associated Press 2/24)
Problem was the young redeemers were going door-to-door demanding loaves and fishes.
_______________________________________
[] NASA issues detailed procedures for treating astronauts who go haywire in space. (Associated Press 2/24)
Rule one, get that emergency astro-diaper on them ASAP.
_______________________________________
[] The gourmet chefs at the $50,000 a month rehab facility treating Britney Spears are called "recovery nutritionists."
(Associated Press 2/24)
The beauty salon operators are called "baldness councilors."
_______________________________________
[] DefSec Gates apologized for the run down, mouldy, flooded refurbished hotel housing outpatients at Walter Reed Army Hospital. (NBC News 2/24)
That's the good news. The bad news is he's asked FEMA to fix it.
_______________________________________
[] A Greenwich Village Taco Bell was found to be overrun with rats. (Associated Press 2/24)
Fittingly, some as large as chihuahuas.
_______________________________________
[] A 990 pound squid was caught in antarctic waters south of New Zealand. (Associated Press 2/24)
Watch for Red Lobster's annual "Squid-O-Rama" promotion coming to your town soon.
_______________________________________
"Keep good relations with the Grecians."
George W. Bush 6/12/99 The Economist
_______________________________________
[] A bodyguard for Anna Nicole Smith told Larry King he tried to save her with mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. (Cable News Network 2/23)
Now he's claiming he fathered the kid and wants a cut of the dough.
_______________________________________
[] Tennessee Titans cornerback Adam "Pacman" Jones showered 40 Las Vegas strippers with $81,000 in small bills. (USA Today 2/23)
Which entitled him to three lap dances and a free buffet at Caesar's.
_______________________________________
[] Donald Trump will be interred under the wedding chapel on the grounds of his Bedminster, N.J. golf course. (USA Today 2/23)
Everything except his hair which he's promised to the Smithsonian Museum.
_______________________________________
[] Trump's beachfront mansion Maison de L'Amitie in Florida is for sale for $125 million. (USA Today 2/23)
Which comes with or without his live-in housekeeper/chauffeur/valet... Rosie O'Donnell.
_______________________________________
[] Chimps living near Senegal have been observed using spears. (USA Today 2/23)
Switch blades if they're Crips.
_______________________________________
[] A Quantas flight attendant was fired after she admitted having sex with Ray Fiennes in a restroom between Darwin and Mumbai. (USA Today 2/20)
And I'm thrilled to get a blanket, a pillow and a bag of stale peanuts.
_______________________________________
[] Archivists found a receipt dated 1546 and signed by Michelangelo for a night's lodging at St.Peter's Basilica while painting the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel. (USA Today 2/20)
Included were several items from the mini-bar and three soft porn films.
_______________________________________
[] Actress Bridget Moynahan claims Patriots quarterback Tom Brady is the father of her child due in July. (USA Today 2/20)
Later, if the kid goes into overtime.
_______________________________________
[] Splashgear of Huntington Beach is offering polyester swimwear for Muslim women . (USA Today 2/19)
Currently featured on the cover of the annual swimsuit issue of "Amish World."
_______________________________________
[] Harlequin Books has launched a 16-book series of NASCAR-themed romance novels. (New York Times 2/19)
"Lanette gasped as Todd's Pennsoil-stained fingers eagerly released the buttons of her flame-retardant Nomex jumpsuit. Now the question was... could he reach the checkered flag without another pit stop to refuel?"
_______________________________________
"I have a different vision of leadership. A leadership is someone who brings people together."
George W. Bush 8/18/00 Bartlett, Tenn.
_______________________________________
[] In the latest polls, Israel's prime minister Ehud Olmert got a 14% approval rating. (USA Today 2/19)
You know you're in trouble when Bush offers his condolences.
_______________________________________
[] Evander Holyfield, 44, will fight Vinny Maddalone, 33, in Corpus Christie. (USA Today 2/19)
Evander has hired professional boxing's first cutman/gerontologist.
_______________________________________
[] Prince Harry has received orders to report for military duty in Iraq. (Cable News Network 2/22)
Yesterday, he called Bush and said "Could YOUR father get me out of it?"
_______________________________________
[] McDonald's franchise owner Lou Groen invented the "Filet-O-Fish" in the 1960's to feed his Catholic customers during Lent. (USA Today 2/20)
His "Filet-O-Chopped Chicken Livers" aimed at the Jewish customers failed to catch fire.
_______________________________________
[] "Miracle Child" Amelia Taylor is medically out-of-the-woods after only 22 weeks in the womb. (USA Today 2/21)
Which, when you think about it, is less time than Charlie Sheen has spent in there.
_______________________________________
"Laura and I don't realize how bright our children is sometimes until we get an objective analysis."
George W. Bush 4/15/00 CNBC
_______________________________________
[] Robert Adler, who invented the TV remote while working as an engineer at Zenith, died at age 93. (Los Angeles Times 2/17)
His memorial service will take place as soon as they find his body.
_______________________________________
[] Britney Spears, her head shaved bare, got two tattoos on her neck. (Associated Press 2/18)
She wanted tattooed underpants, but the guy missed.
_______________________________________
[] New Mexico is testing urinal cakes that display anti-drunk driving slogans when they get wet. (Associated Press 2/17)
From www.Name-in-the-Snow.com.
_______________________________________
[] An Army drill sargeant was relieved of duty for appearing in a porn movie. (HBO 2/16)
"Debbie Does Fallujah."
_______________________________________
"I haven't had a chance to talk, but I'm confident we'll get a bill that I can live with if we don't."
George W. Bush 6/13/01 Brussels, Belgium
_______________________________________
[] CDC study shows that West Virginia, Kentucky and Mississippi lead the nation in heart attacks. (Associated Press 2 /17)
No surprise. Down there hog jowls is considered a vegetable.
_______________________________________
[] Fitness Magazine ranked Las Vegas the nation's fattest city. (CBS News 2/16)
And Wayne Newton its fattest entertainer.
_______________________________________
[] Clint Eastwood has been named a knight in France's Legion of Honor. (Associated Press 2/18)
He got a medal and a statuette of Jerry Lewis.
_______________________________________
[] The mummified body of a Hampton Bay, NY man was found watching TV, still on after a year. (Associated Press 2/18)
Neighbors thought he was rehearsing for a shot on "American Idol" doing his impression of Keith Richards.
_______________________________________
[] Mitt Romney has declared that he'll run for president in 2008. (PBS 2/17)
Or, in Mormonese, he tossed his sacred fishnet underwear in the ring.
_______________________________________
[] Two priests in Palm Beach, FL are accused of embezzling $8.6 million from St. Vincent Ferrer parish over a 40-year period. (Time Magazine 2/16)
First time priests have been charged with collection plate molestation.
_______________________________________
[] Montana is about to adopt the nation's first official state lullaby. (USA Today 2/16)
The theme from "Brokeback Mountain."
_______________________________________
[] Police officers in Nezahualcoyotl, Mexico are required to learn English before being promoted. (USA Today 2/16)
Starting with correctly spelling the name of their town.
_______________________________________
"Security is the essential roadblock to achieving the road map to peace."
George W. Bush 7/25/03 Washington, D.C.
_______________________________________
[] Boston to ban trans fats. (Associated Press usa 2/16)
They'll begin by deporting Teddy Kennedy.
_______________________________________
[] California to legalize assisted suicides. (USA Today 2/16)
Mainly to protect the producers of "American Idol" from prosecution.
_______________________________________
[] The Mashpii Wampanoog tribe has been named an official Indian nation. (USA To2day /16)
They've launched a nationwide search for an easier-to-pronounce name for the casino.
_______________________________________
[] By 2030, 20% of US residents will be 65 or older. (USA Today 2/16)
And CBS will be back in first place.
_______________________________________
[] The window from which Lee Harvey Oswald shot JFK failed to attract qualified bidders on e-Bay. (Associated Press 2/18)
It was offered as a package deal with a piece of the railing from the Chapaquiddick Bridge.
_______________________________________
[] Kleenex debuts a new box with photos on the side. (USA Today 2/12)
Which Kimberley-Clark hopes will do for missing noses what the milk carton did for missing kids.
_______________________________________
[] Harvard has installed its first woman president. (USA Today 2/12)
"From the tables down at Morrie's to the place where Louise dwells... "
_______________________________________
[] Singer Gerald Leverts' death was due to a fatal combination of Vicodin, Percocet, Darvocet, and Xanax. (USA Today 2/12)
A mixture known in the medical community as a "Limbaugh."
_______________________________________
[] Treasury Department releases a $1 coin with the image of George Washington. (USA Today 2/12)
Replacing the canceled $3 bill with a portrait of Mark Foley.
_______________________________________
[] Top Shiite cleric al Sistani says, "No one knows but Allah when this tragedy will be over." (USA Today 2/13)
And Bush won't get the word until he tells Jesus.
_______________________________________
"This has been tough weeks in that country."
George W. Bush 4/21/2004 Washington, D.C.
_______________________________________
[] Bush told C-Span "Most of Iraq is in good shape." (USA Today 2/13)
And also that Prince Von Anhalt is the father of Anna Nicole's baby.
_______________________________________
[] Fossils found on the Ivory Coast indicate that chimps used tools as long as 4300 years ago. (USA Today 2/13)
And never returned them to the gorillas they borrowed them from.
_______________________________________
[] Justice Scalia's daughter was arrested for drunk driving and endangering her three children. (Associated Press 2/14)
Maybe Cheney's daughter could adopt them.
_______________________________________
[] UN study shows US ranks last among industrialized nations in child welfare. (USA Today 2/15)
Thanks in large part to "family values" conservatives like Scalia's daughter.
_______________________________________
[] McCain told reporters "It's not the US presence in Iraq that upsets voters but rather the number of casualties." (USA Today 2/13)
Which includes, for good reason, any chance he may have had to occupy the Oval Office.
_______________________________________
[] Pentagon sources say the use of "explosively formed penetrators," EFP's, has increased drastically in Iraq. (Associated Press 2/12)
Not to be confused with "improvised explosive devices," IED's... troops "missing in action," MIA's... or "gatherers of grossly inaccurate intelligence," CIA.
_______________________________________
"My job is to... like... think beyond the immediate."
George W. Bush 4/13/2004 Washington, D.C.
_______________________________________
[] Men who approve of office romances outnumber women who do 47% to 36%. (USA Today 2/12)
About the same breakdown as those who steal office supplies.
_______________________________________
[] Ex-NFL quarterback Kenny Stabler owes the IRS $500,000. (USA Today 2/12)
Seems his tax lawyer's nickle defense didn't work as promised.
_______________________________________
[] In Bangkok, Thailand, "Epicurean Masters of the World" starring top-rated Michelin chefs Alain Soliveres, Antoine Westerman, and Jean-Michael Lorain hosted 40 gourmands paying $25,000 each for a ten course meal that included Creme Brulee of foi gras, mousseline of pattes rouges creyfish with morel mushroom infusion, tatar of Kobe beef with Imperial Beluga caviar, Periogard truffles, coquille Saint-Jacques, live Brittany lobsters, and white truffles, washed down with $200,000 worth of vintage wines including a 1967 Chateau d'Yquem, a 1959 Chateau Rothschild, a 1985 Romance Coati, 1990 Crystal Champagne and a 1961 Chateau Palmer considered "one of the greatest single wines of the 20th century." (Associated Press 2/11)
Dessert was a small child.
_______________________________________
[] General David Petraeus takes charge of US forces in Iraq, warning of "barbaric enemies who brag of inhuman acts... " (USA Today 2/11)
And that's just Pelosi, Mertha and Obama.
_______________________________________
[] Astronaut Sunita Williams set the women's space walking record at 22 hours. (USA Today 2/9)
And she managed to do it without wearing Pampers.
_______________________________________
[] Toyota officially joined the NASCAR Nextel Cup racing circuit. (USA Today 2/9)
Good match. Rednecks and the setting sun.
_______________________________________
[] KKK membership is growing as leaders stress the influx of illegal immigrants. (USA Today 2/9)
Wait until they discover who picks the cotton for those sheets and pillow cases.
_______________________________________
[] Richard Branson and Al Gore have posted a $1 million prize for a formula to reduce global warming. (New York Times 2/10)
Al will toss in an additional $250,000 if it also includes weight loss secrets.
_______________________________________
[] North Dakota will downgrade cohabiting from a sex crime to fraud if marriage is promised. (Associated Press 2/10)
A one night stand with livestock remains a misdemeanor if consensual.
_______________________________________
[] New "Fox Faith" division will market faith-based films. (Los Angeles Times 2/10)
Actually, it's their former science fiction division renamed.
_______________________________________
[] A Catholic cardinal close to the pope caleds the ban on teaching intelligent design in school "censorship." (Associated Press 2/10)
The padre has a point. Who but an intelligent designer could create a fresh, untouched altar boy?
_______________________________________
[] A laboratory at Princeton used to study ESP and telekineses shut down after 28 years. (Associated Press 2/11)
Worse, they didn't see it coming.
_______________________________________
[] Rev. Ted Haggard says rehab revealed that he's not gay. (Associated Press 2/10)
And to prove it, he donated his entire collection of show tune albums to benefit AIDS research.
_______________________________________
[] Airline Pilots Security Alliance says 8% of the nation's 100,000 pilots fly while carrying a gun. (Associated Press 2/11)
Next time he points out landmarks on the ground, you'd best take a peek.
_______________________________________
[] UC researchers find that male sweat triggers sexual arousal in females. (Associated Press 2/11)
But its advantages are canceled by a butt crack or a pocket donut.
_______________________________________
"And I want those who are questioning it to step up and explain why all of a sudden a Middle Eastern company is held to a different standard than a Great British company."
George W. Bush 2/21/06 Air Force One
_______________________________________
[] L. Paul Bremer tells House committee: "I acknowledge I made mistakes in Iraq." (USA Today 2/7)
Not the least of which was wearing combat boots with $3000 Armani suits while Uzi-bearing mercenary bodyguards insurred his complete immunity from the vicissitudes of actual combat.
_______________________________________
[] Pentagon admits that it issued "moral waivers" to 35,000 troops now serving in Iraq and Afghanistan, many of them convicted felons. (Cable News Network 2/6)
Criminals started it. Criminals will finish it.
_______________________________________
[] Army Colonel Douglas on the troop "surge": "It's going to be much more than Baghdad has ever seen. It's going to be a rolling surge." (USA Today 2/6)
Think "Lawrence of Arabia Meets NASCAR."
_______________________________________
[] Evangelical Christian Bishop of Kenya denies the authenticity of Richard Leakey's 1.6 million year old skeleton of "Turkana Boy," saying, "These sorts of silly views are killing our faith." (USA Today 2/7)
Based, of course Bishop, on your silly views.
_______________________________________
[] Despite protests from scientists, the National Park Service's Visitor Center continues to sell "Grand Canyon: A Different View" which attributes the formation of the canyon to Noah's flood . (USA Today 2/5)
It's in the Science Fiction section, but still...
_______________________________________
[] Hasbro recalled over a million "Easy-Bake" toy ovens after multiple injuries were reported. (MSNBC 2/6)
Including cut fingers, bruised knuckles and several suicide attempts.
_______________________________________
[] M.A.C. has introduced a line of makeup that emulates the "Barbie" look.(USA Today 2/6)
Comes with a syringe for injecting air into your brain cavity.
_______________________________________
[] Wal Mart will sell day-old TV episodes for $1.98. (USA Today 2/6)
For ordering a copy of "American Idol, they'll pay YOU $1.98.
_______________________________________
[] Author of "Parenting the Millennial Generation" says: "The very narcissictic honestly believe they are awesome even when there's no evidence." (USA Today 2/6)
And that's just the judges.
_______________________________________
[] A soccer stadium in Italy has been closed until further notice following a post-game riot. (USA Today 2/6)
The championship match between the Sicilian Godfathers and the Catania Goodfellas.
_______________________________________
[] Apple Computers has settled a trademark dispute with the Beatles music company, Apple, Inc. (USA Today 2/6)
The high-level negotiations stalled when both sides refused to take custody of Yoko Ono.
_______________________________________
"That's George Washington, the first president, of course. The interesting thing about him is that I read three... three or four books about him last year. Isn't that interesting?"
George W. Bush 5/5/06 Washington, D.C.
_______________________________________
[] Ryan O'Neal faces charges of taking a shot at his son, Griffin, which he claims was in self-defense. (USA Today 2/5)
That's the bad news. The good news is Griffin has been signed as the on-air TV spokesman for Hearth-Master fireplace pokers.
_______________________________________
[] Astronaut Lisa Nowak charged with attempted murder, could get 30 years to life. (Cable News Network 2/6)
When she was told to get her instructions from Houston, she apparently thought they were talking about Whitney.
Colleagues believe she snapped after being told her next mission would be to Pluto.
NASA officials have alerted the public to be on the alert for the following warning signs that they're about to be attacked by a deranged astronaut:
1) Keeps yelling "One small step for man, one giant leap for CSI!"
2) Is carrying weapons in all 13 pockets of her flight suit.
3) Appears to be drooling Tang.
4) Warns you that "The eagle is about to land on your face."
5) She's weightless and you're not.
_______________________________________
[] Bowing to gay protests, Snickers dropped a commercial showing two straight men kissing and General Motors is under fire for a commercial showing a robot contemplating suicide. (USA Today 2/7)
You want a protest? Just wait until the top brass at NASA sees the new Depends commercial.
_______________________________________
[] From now on, the CDC will rank flu pandemics like hurricanes. (Associated Press 2/21)
And name them after those Bush administration putzes who got us into Iraq.
_______________________________________
[] Biden calls Obama "clean." (Associated Press 2/1)
The opposite of, say, Eddie Murphy's character in "Trading Places."
_______________________________________
[] The Virginia Legislature is considering a measure that would apologize to African-Americans for slavery. (Associated Press 2/1)
A rider that would apologize for Joe Biden died in committee.
_______________________________________
[] A jail nurse in Pittsburgh refused to give a rape victim birth control pills on "religious grounds." (USA Today 2/1)
Suggesting, instead, stoning the raspist.
_______________________________________
[] Illegal betting on the Super Bowl reached a record $8 billion. (Cable News Network 1/4)
Six billion of which will eventually end up with The Sopranos.
_______________________________________
[] Sandra Day O'Conner on the Supreme Court's decision in Bush vs. Gore:
"Given more time,I think we probably would have done better." (USA Today 1/2)
Exactly what Bush's parents have been saying for years.
_______________________________________
[] West Virginia will offer courses on how to reverse the state's rampant obesity rate. (Time Magazine 2/12)
Rule number one: No more than three deep fried possums a week.
_______________________________________
[] Gripped by the worst drought in its history, Queensland Australia will use water from recycled sewage. (Time Magazine 2/12)
But vintage sewage... from France.
_______________________________________
"Calling Bush shallow is like calling a dwarf small."
Molly Ivins 1944 - 2007
_______________________________________
[] The City of Los Angeles has set up internet cafes on Skid Row. (USA Today 2/1)
Which explains all those "Will Download For Food" signs popping up around town.
_______________________________________
[] Americans spent 1% more last year than they earned. (ABC News 2/1)
And charged it on their credit cards at 18% interest.
_______________________________________
[] The state of Georgia may apologize for sterilizing 3300 mental patients between 1937-1977 to eliminate "heriditary flaws." (USA Today 2/2)
Known down there as "redneck cleansing."
_______________________________________
[] Quarterback Brett Favre, 37, has resigned with the Packers. (Associated Press 2/3)
After the NFL graciously waived their "no walkers in the huddle" rule.
_______________________________________
[] San Francisco mayor Gavin Newsome apologized to voters for an adulterous affair with his appointments secretary. (Associated Press 2/2)
I didn't even know mayors had Oval Offices, did you?
_______________________________________
[] General George Casey to the Senate Armed Services Committee: "I actually don't see it as slow failure. I see it as slow progress." (New York Times 2/2)
Pentagon lingo for "The glass isn't half empty, it's half full... of American blood."
_______________________________________
[] ABA's Maryland Nighthawks have signed 370 pound, 7-9 Sun Ming Ming, who will be the tallest player in pro basketball. (USA Today 2/1)
He'll be shipped from Beijing in sections and reassembled in Baltimore.
_______________________________________
"Actually I... this may sound a little West texas to you... but I like it. When I'm talking about... when I'm talking about myself... and when he's talking about myself, all of us are talking about me."
George W. Bush to Chris Matthews on "Hardball" 5/31/00
_______________________________________
At his welcoming ceremony, he was allowed to shoot an elderly aborigine in the face.
Next day, he was the keynote speaker at the annual convention of the International Association of Lesbian Dads.
_______________________________________
[] Jimmy Carter: "Cheney's batting average on the war has been abysmal." (ABC News 2/23)
His shotgun marksmanship has been nothing to write home about either.
_______________________________________
[] Carnival cruise tourists subdued muggers near San Jose, Costa Rica, snapping one's neck. (USA Today 2/23)
Using survival techniques learned at the Midnight Buffet.
They were on a theme cruise: "Discovering The Mysteries of South Central LA."
_______________________________________
[] The British Army in Afghanistan admits using psychics to help them locate Osama Bin Laden. (CNBC 2/22)
After astrologers recommended by Nancy Reagan failed.
_______________________________________
[] The Taliban has released seven more threatening videos. (Cable News Network 2/23)
Referred to at the Pentagon as a "boxed set."
_______________________________________
"I'm honored to shake the hand of the brave Iraqi citizen who had his hand cut off by Saddam Hussein."
George W. Bush 5/25/04 Washington, D.C.
_______________________________________
[] A new study shows that auto makers' milage claims are inflated. (ABC News 2/23)
And that "new car smell" lasts about half as long as they claim.
_______________________________________
[] The ACLU protests the use of super-sensitive airport x-ray machines. (ABC News 2/23)
Despite the TSA's offer to airbrush out your love handles.
_______________________________________
[] A Christian group sued a Philadelphia school for banning Jesus costumes on Halloween. (Associated Press 2/24)
Problem was the young redeemers were going door-to-door demanding loaves and fishes.
_______________________________________
[] NASA issues detailed procedures for treating astronauts who go haywire in space. (Associated Press 2/24)
Rule one, get that emergency astro-diaper on them ASAP.
_______________________________________
[] The gourmet chefs at the $50,000 a month rehab facility treating Britney Spears are called "recovery nutritionists."
(Associated Press 2/24)
The beauty salon operators are called "baldness councilors."
_______________________________________
[] DefSec Gates apologized for the run down, mouldy, flooded refurbished hotel housing outpatients at Walter Reed Army Hospital. (NBC News 2/24)
That's the good news. The bad news is he's asked FEMA to fix it.
_______________________________________
[] A Greenwich Village Taco Bell was found to be overrun with rats. (Associated Press 2/24)
Fittingly, some as large as chihuahuas.
_______________________________________
[] A 990 pound squid was caught in antarctic waters south of New Zealand. (Associated Press 2/24)
Watch for Red Lobster's annual "Squid-O-Rama" promotion coming to your town soon.
_______________________________________
"Keep good relations with the Grecians."
George W. Bush 6/12/99 The Economist
_______________________________________
[] A bodyguard for Anna Nicole Smith told Larry King he tried to save her with mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. (Cable News Network 2/23)
Now he's claiming he fathered the kid and wants a cut of the dough.
_______________________________________
[] Tennessee Titans cornerback Adam "Pacman" Jones showered 40 Las Vegas strippers with $81,000 in small bills. (USA Today 2/23)
Which entitled him to three lap dances and a free buffet at Caesar's.
_______________________________________
[] Donald Trump will be interred under the wedding chapel on the grounds of his Bedminster, N.J. golf course. (USA Today 2/23)
Everything except his hair which he's promised to the Smithsonian Museum.
_______________________________________
[] Trump's beachfront mansion Maison de L'Amitie in Florida is for sale for $125 million. (USA Today 2/23)
Which comes with or without his live-in housekeeper/chauffeur/valet... Rosie O'Donnell.
_______________________________________
[] Chimps living near Senegal have been observed using spears. (USA Today 2/23)
Switch blades if they're Crips.
_______________________________________
[] A Quantas flight attendant was fired after she admitted having sex with Ray Fiennes in a restroom between Darwin and Mumbai. (USA Today 2/20)
And I'm thrilled to get a blanket, a pillow and a bag of stale peanuts.
_______________________________________
[] Archivists found a receipt dated 1546 and signed by Michelangelo for a night's lodging at St.Peter's Basilica while painting the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel. (USA Today 2/20)
Included were several items from the mini-bar and three soft porn films.
_______________________________________
[] Actress Bridget Moynahan claims Patriots quarterback Tom Brady is the father of her child due in July. (USA Today 2/20)
Later, if the kid goes into overtime.
_______________________________________
[] Splashgear of Huntington Beach is offering polyester swimwear for Muslim women . (USA Today 2/19)
Currently featured on the cover of the annual swimsuit issue of "Amish World."
_______________________________________
[] Harlequin Books has launched a 16-book series of NASCAR-themed romance novels. (New York Times 2/19)
"Lanette gasped as Todd's Pennsoil-stained fingers eagerly released the buttons of her flame-retardant Nomex jumpsuit. Now the question was... could he reach the checkered flag without another pit stop to refuel?"
_______________________________________
"I have a different vision of leadership. A leadership is someone who brings people together."
George W. Bush 8/18/00 Bartlett, Tenn.
_______________________________________
[] In the latest polls, Israel's prime minister Ehud Olmert got a 14% approval rating. (USA Today 2/19)
You know you're in trouble when Bush offers his condolences.
_______________________________________
[] Evander Holyfield, 44, will fight Vinny Maddalone, 33, in Corpus Christie. (USA Today 2/19)
Evander has hired professional boxing's first cutman/gerontologist.
_______________________________________
[] Prince Harry has received orders to report for military duty in Iraq. (Cable News Network 2/22)
Yesterday, he called Bush and said "Could YOUR father get me out of it?"
_______________________________________
[] McDonald's franchise owner Lou Groen invented the "Filet-O-Fish" in the 1960's to feed his Catholic customers during Lent. (USA Today 2/20)
His "Filet-O-Chopped Chicken Livers" aimed at the Jewish customers failed to catch fire.
_______________________________________
[] "Miracle Child" Amelia Taylor is medically out-of-the-woods after only 22 weeks in the womb. (USA Today 2/21)
Which, when you think about it, is less time than Charlie Sheen has spent in there.
_______________________________________
"Laura and I don't realize how bright our children is sometimes until we get an objective analysis."
George W. Bush 4/15/00 CNBC
_______________________________________
[] Robert Adler, who invented the TV remote while working as an engineer at Zenith, died at age 93. (Los Angeles Times 2/17)
His memorial service will take place as soon as they find his body.
_______________________________________
[] Britney Spears, her head shaved bare, got two tattoos on her neck. (Associated Press 2/18)
She wanted tattooed underpants, but the guy missed.
_______________________________________
[] New Mexico is testing urinal cakes that display anti-drunk driving slogans when they get wet. (Associated Press 2/17)
From www.Name-in-the-Snow.com.
_______________________________________
[] An Army drill sargeant was relieved of duty for appearing in a porn movie. (HBO 2/16)
"Debbie Does Fallujah."
_______________________________________
"I haven't had a chance to talk, but I'm confident we'll get a bill that I can live with if we don't."
George W. Bush 6/13/01 Brussels, Belgium
_______________________________________
[] CDC study shows that West Virginia, Kentucky and Mississippi lead the nation in heart attacks. (Associated Press 2 /17)
No surprise. Down there hog jowls is considered a vegetable.
_______________________________________
[] Fitness Magazine ranked Las Vegas the nation's fattest city. (CBS News 2/16)
And Wayne Newton its fattest entertainer.
_______________________________________
[] Clint Eastwood has been named a knight in France's Legion of Honor. (Associated Press 2/18)
He got a medal and a statuette of Jerry Lewis.
_______________________________________
[] The mummified body of a Hampton Bay, NY man was found watching TV, still on after a year. (Associated Press 2/18)
Neighbors thought he was rehearsing for a shot on "American Idol" doing his impression of Keith Richards.
_______________________________________
[] Mitt Romney has declared that he'll run for president in 2008. (PBS 2/17)
Or, in Mormonese, he tossed his sacred fishnet underwear in the ring.
_______________________________________
[] Two priests in Palm Beach, FL are accused of embezzling $8.6 million from St. Vincent Ferrer parish over a 40-year period. (Time Magazine 2/16)
First time priests have been charged with collection plate molestation.
_______________________________________
[] Montana is about to adopt the nation's first official state lullaby. (USA Today 2/16)
The theme from "Brokeback Mountain."
_______________________________________
[] Police officers in Nezahualcoyotl, Mexico are required to learn English before being promoted. (USA Today 2/16)
Starting with correctly spelling the name of their town.
_______________________________________
"Security is the essential roadblock to achieving the road map to peace."
George W. Bush 7/25/03 Washington, D.C.
_______________________________________
[] Boston to ban trans fats. (Associated Press usa 2/16)
They'll begin by deporting Teddy Kennedy.
_______________________________________
[] California to legalize assisted suicides. (USA Today 2/16)
Mainly to protect the producers of "American Idol" from prosecution.
_______________________________________
[] The Mashpii Wampanoog tribe has been named an official Indian nation. (USA To2day /16)
They've launched a nationwide search for an easier-to-pronounce name for the casino.
_______________________________________
[] By 2030, 20% of US residents will be 65 or older. (USA Today 2/16)
And CBS will be back in first place.
_______________________________________
[] The window from which Lee Harvey Oswald shot JFK failed to attract qualified bidders on e-Bay. (Associated Press 2/18)
It was offered as a package deal with a piece of the railing from the Chapaquiddick Bridge.
_______________________________________
[] Kleenex debuts a new box with photos on the side. (USA Today 2/12)
Which Kimberley-Clark hopes will do for missing noses what the milk carton did for missing kids.
_______________________________________
[] Harvard has installed its first woman president. (USA Today 2/12)
"From the tables down at Morrie's to the place where Louise dwells... "
_______________________________________
[] Singer Gerald Leverts' death was due to a fatal combination of Vicodin, Percocet, Darvocet, and Xanax. (USA Today 2/12)
A mixture known in the medical community as a "Limbaugh."
_______________________________________
[] Treasury Department releases a $1 coin with the image of George Washington. (USA Today 2/12)
Replacing the canceled $3 bill with a portrait of Mark Foley.
_______________________________________
[] Top Shiite cleric al Sistani says, "No one knows but Allah when this tragedy will be over." (USA Today 2/13)
And Bush won't get the word until he tells Jesus.
_______________________________________
"This has been tough weeks in that country."
George W. Bush 4/21/2004 Washington, D.C.
_______________________________________
[] Bush told C-Span "Most of Iraq is in good shape." (USA Today 2/13)
And also that Prince Von Anhalt is the father of Anna Nicole's baby.
_______________________________________
[] Fossils found on the Ivory Coast indicate that chimps used tools as long as 4300 years ago. (USA Today 2/13)
And never returned them to the gorillas they borrowed them from.
_______________________________________
[] Justice Scalia's daughter was arrested for drunk driving and endangering her three children. (Associated Press 2/14)
Maybe Cheney's daughter could adopt them.
_______________________________________
[] UN study shows US ranks last among industrialized nations in child welfare. (USA Today 2/15)
Thanks in large part to "family values" conservatives like Scalia's daughter.
_______________________________________
[] McCain told reporters "It's not the US presence in Iraq that upsets voters but rather the number of casualties." (USA Today 2/13)
Which includes, for good reason, any chance he may have had to occupy the Oval Office.
_______________________________________
[] Pentagon sources say the use of "explosively formed penetrators," EFP's, has increased drastically in Iraq. (Associated Press 2/12)
Not to be confused with "improvised explosive devices," IED's... troops "missing in action," MIA's... or "gatherers of grossly inaccurate intelligence," CIA.
_______________________________________
"My job is to... like... think beyond the immediate."
George W. Bush 4/13/2004 Washington, D.C.
_______________________________________
[] Men who approve of office romances outnumber women who do 47% to 36%. (USA Today 2/12)
About the same breakdown as those who steal office supplies.
_______________________________________
[] Ex-NFL quarterback Kenny Stabler owes the IRS $500,000. (USA Today 2/12)
Seems his tax lawyer's nickle defense didn't work as promised.
_______________________________________
[] In Bangkok, Thailand, "Epicurean Masters of the World" starring top-rated Michelin chefs Alain Soliveres, Antoine Westerman, and Jean-Michael Lorain hosted 40 gourmands paying $25,000 each for a ten course meal that included Creme Brulee of foi gras, mousseline of pattes rouges creyfish with morel mushroom infusion, tatar of Kobe beef with Imperial Beluga caviar, Periogard truffles, coquille Saint-Jacques, live Brittany lobsters, and white truffles, washed down with $200,000 worth of vintage wines including a 1967 Chateau d'Yquem, a 1959 Chateau Rothschild, a 1985 Romance Coati, 1990 Crystal Champagne and a 1961 Chateau Palmer considered "one of the greatest single wines of the 20th century." (Associated Press 2/11)
Dessert was a small child.
_______________________________________
[] General David Petraeus takes charge of US forces in Iraq, warning of "barbaric enemies who brag of inhuman acts... " (USA Today 2/11)
And that's just Pelosi, Mertha and Obama.
_______________________________________
[] Astronaut Sunita Williams set the women's space walking record at 22 hours. (USA Today 2/9)
And she managed to do it without wearing Pampers.
_______________________________________
[] Toyota officially joined the NASCAR Nextel Cup racing circuit. (USA Today 2/9)
Good match. Rednecks and the setting sun.
_______________________________________
[] KKK membership is growing as leaders stress the influx of illegal immigrants. (USA Today 2/9)
Wait until they discover who picks the cotton for those sheets and pillow cases.
_______________________________________
[] Richard Branson and Al Gore have posted a $1 million prize for a formula to reduce global warming. (New York Times 2/10)
Al will toss in an additional $250,000 if it also includes weight loss secrets.
_______________________________________
[] North Dakota will downgrade cohabiting from a sex crime to fraud if marriage is promised. (Associated Press 2/10)
A one night stand with livestock remains a misdemeanor if consensual.
_______________________________________
[] New "Fox Faith" division will market faith-based films. (Los Angeles Times 2/10)
Actually, it's their former science fiction division renamed.
_______________________________________
[] A Catholic cardinal close to the pope caleds the ban on teaching intelligent design in school "censorship." (Associated Press 2/10)
The padre has a point. Who but an intelligent designer could create a fresh, untouched altar boy?
_______________________________________
[] A laboratory at Princeton used to study ESP and telekineses shut down after 28 years. (Associated Press 2/11)
Worse, they didn't see it coming.
_______________________________________
[] Rev. Ted Haggard says rehab revealed that he's not gay. (Associated Press 2/10)
And to prove it, he donated his entire collection of show tune albums to benefit AIDS research.
_______________________________________
[] Airline Pilots Security Alliance says 8% of the nation's 100,000 pilots fly while carrying a gun. (Associated Press 2/11)
Next time he points out landmarks on the ground, you'd best take a peek.
_______________________________________
[] UC researchers find that male sweat triggers sexual arousal in females. (Associated Press 2/11)
But its advantages are canceled by a butt crack or a pocket donut.
_______________________________________
"And I want those who are questioning it to step up and explain why all of a sudden a Middle Eastern company is held to a different standard than a Great British company."
George W. Bush 2/21/06 Air Force One
_______________________________________
[] L. Paul Bremer tells House committee: "I acknowledge I made mistakes in Iraq." (USA Today 2/7)
Not the least of which was wearing combat boots with $3000 Armani suits while Uzi-bearing mercenary bodyguards insurred his complete immunity from the vicissitudes of actual combat.
_______________________________________
[] Pentagon admits that it issued "moral waivers" to 35,000 troops now serving in Iraq and Afghanistan, many of them convicted felons. (Cable News Network 2/6)
Criminals started it. Criminals will finish it.
_______________________________________
[] Army Colonel Douglas on the troop "surge": "It's going to be much more than Baghdad has ever seen. It's going to be a rolling surge." (USA Today 2/6)
Think "Lawrence of Arabia Meets NASCAR."
_______________________________________
[] Evangelical Christian Bishop of Kenya denies the authenticity of Richard Leakey's 1.6 million year old skeleton of "Turkana Boy," saying, "These sorts of silly views are killing our faith." (USA Today 2/7)
Based, of course Bishop, on your silly views.
_______________________________________
[] Despite protests from scientists, the National Park Service's Visitor Center continues to sell "Grand Canyon: A Different View" which attributes the formation of the canyon to Noah's flood . (USA Today 2/5)
It's in the Science Fiction section, but still...
_______________________________________
[] Hasbro recalled over a million "Easy-Bake" toy ovens after multiple injuries were reported. (MSNBC 2/6)
Including cut fingers, bruised knuckles and several suicide attempts.
_______________________________________
[] M.A.C. has introduced a line of makeup that emulates the "Barbie" look.(USA Today 2/6)
Comes with a syringe for injecting air into your brain cavity.
_______________________________________
[] Wal Mart will sell day-old TV episodes for $1.98. (USA Today 2/6)
For ordering a copy of "American Idol, they'll pay YOU $1.98.
_______________________________________
[] Author of "Parenting the Millennial Generation" says: "The very narcissictic honestly believe they are awesome even when there's no evidence." (USA Today 2/6)
And that's just the judges.
_______________________________________
[] A soccer stadium in Italy has been closed until further notice following a post-game riot. (USA Today 2/6)
The championship match between the Sicilian Godfathers and the Catania Goodfellas.
_______________________________________
[] Apple Computers has settled a trademark dispute with the Beatles music company, Apple, Inc. (USA Today 2/6)
The high-level negotiations stalled when both sides refused to take custody of Yoko Ono.
_______________________________________
"That's George Washington, the first president, of course. The interesting thing about him is that I read three... three or four books about him last year. Isn't that interesting?"
George W. Bush 5/5/06 Washington, D.C.
_______________________________________
[] Ryan O'Neal faces charges of taking a shot at his son, Griffin, which he claims was in self-defense. (USA Today 2/5)
That's the bad news. The good news is Griffin has been signed as the on-air TV spokesman for Hearth-Master fireplace pokers.
_______________________________________
[] Astronaut Lisa Nowak charged with attempted murder, could get 30 years to life. (Cable News Network 2/6)
When she was told to get her instructions from Houston, she apparently thought they were talking about Whitney.
Colleagues believe she snapped after being told her next mission would be to Pluto.
NASA officials have alerted the public to be on the alert for the following warning signs that they're about to be attacked by a deranged astronaut:
1) Keeps yelling "One small step for man, one giant leap for CSI!"
2) Is carrying weapons in all 13 pockets of her flight suit.
3) Appears to be drooling Tang.
4) Warns you that "The eagle is about to land on your face."
5) She's weightless and you're not.
_______________________________________
[] Bowing to gay protests, Snickers dropped a commercial showing two straight men kissing and General Motors is under fire for a commercial showing a robot contemplating suicide. (USA Today 2/7)
You want a protest? Just wait until the top brass at NASA sees the new Depends commercial.
_______________________________________
[] From now on, the CDC will rank flu pandemics like hurricanes. (Associated Press 2/21)
And name them after those Bush administration putzes who got us into Iraq.
_______________________________________
[] Biden calls Obama "clean." (Associated Press 2/1)
The opposite of, say, Eddie Murphy's character in "Trading Places."
_______________________________________
[] The Virginia Legislature is considering a measure that would apologize to African-Americans for slavery. (Associated Press 2/1)
A rider that would apologize for Joe Biden died in committee.
_______________________________________
[] A jail nurse in Pittsburgh refused to give a rape victim birth control pills on "religious grounds." (USA Today 2/1)
Suggesting, instead, stoning the raspist.
_______________________________________
[] Illegal betting on the Super Bowl reached a record $8 billion. (Cable News Network 1/4)
Six billion of which will eventually end up with The Sopranos.
_______________________________________
[] Sandra Day O'Conner on the Supreme Court's decision in Bush vs. Gore:
"Given more time,I think we probably would have done better." (USA Today 1/2)
Exactly what Bush's parents have been saying for years.
_______________________________________
[] West Virginia will offer courses on how to reverse the state's rampant obesity rate. (Time Magazine 2/12)
Rule number one: No more than three deep fried possums a week.
_______________________________________
[] Gripped by the worst drought in its history, Queensland Australia will use water from recycled sewage. (Time Magazine 2/12)
But vintage sewage... from France.
_______________________________________
"Calling Bush shallow is like calling a dwarf small."
Molly Ivins 1944 - 2007
_______________________________________
[] The City of Los Angeles has set up internet cafes on Skid Row. (USA Today 2/1)
Which explains all those "Will Download For Food" signs popping up around town.
_______________________________________
[] Americans spent 1% more last year than they earned. (ABC News 2/1)
And charged it on their credit cards at 18% interest.
_______________________________________
[] The state of Georgia may apologize for sterilizing 3300 mental patients between 1937-1977 to eliminate "heriditary flaws." (USA Today 2/2)
Known down there as "redneck cleansing."
_______________________________________
[] Quarterback Brett Favre, 37, has resigned with the Packers. (Associated Press 2/3)
After the NFL graciously waived their "no walkers in the huddle" rule.
_______________________________________
[] San Francisco mayor Gavin Newsome apologized to voters for an adulterous affair with his appointments secretary. (Associated Press 2/2)
I didn't even know mayors had Oval Offices, did you?
_______________________________________
[] General George Casey to the Senate Armed Services Committee: "I actually don't see it as slow failure. I see it as slow progress." (New York Times 2/2)
Pentagon lingo for "The glass isn't half empty, it's half full... of American blood."
_______________________________________
[] ABA's Maryland Nighthawks have signed 370 pound, 7-9 Sun Ming Ming, who will be the tallest player in pro basketball. (USA Today 2/1)
He'll be shipped from Beijing in sections and reassembled in Baltimore.
_______________________________________
"Actually I... this may sound a little West texas to you... but I like it. When I'm talking about... when I'm talking about myself... and when he's talking about myself, all of us are talking about me."
George W. Bush to Chris Matthews on "Hardball" 5/31/00
_______________________________________
Wednesday, January 31, 2007: "Shhhh... "
[] The University of Dallas has withdrawn its bid to host the George W. Bush Presidential Library. (USA Today 1/23)
They've decided to build the J.R. Ewing Library instead. More books.
_______________________________________
[] Pete Sampras, away from the courts for five years, will play in a senior tournament. (USA Today 1/30)
The "AARP-Centrum Silver-Metamucil-Cialas-Flomax-Salonpas Open" in Sun City.
_______________________________________
[] CBS canceled "Armed & Famous" after only four episodes. (Cable News Network 1/30)
Seems the famous couldn't avoid arresting suspects who were also famous. The non-famous had simply had enough.
_______________________________________
[] Sarah Lee sacks 1700 employees. (ABC News 1/29)
Even the company's namesake was pinkslipped. Their new slogan: "Nobody Doesn't Like Sarah Ferguson, Duchess of York."
_______________________________________
[] A tone-deaf Hillary Clinton was caught on an open microphone mangling the National Anthem during a visit to Iowa. (NBC News 1/29)
On a brighter note, she's been invited to perform at the San Diego Padres season opener.
_______________________________________
"Those who enter the country illegally violate the law."
George W. Bush 11/20/05 Tucson, Arizona
_______________________________________
[] Democratic congress vows to make global warming a top priority. (USA Today 1/30)
There's already a bill in the works to place Al Gore on the Endangered Species List.
_______________________________________
[] The captain of the nuclear submarine USS Newport News was relieved of duty after running his ship into a Japanese tanker. (USA Today 1/30)
Which fast tracked him onto Bush's short list for Navy Secretary.
_______________________________________
[] New Yorkers are suffering an invasion of bed bugs. (USA Today 1/27)
Mayor Bloomberg is this close to declaring a quarantine on Paris Hilton.
_______________________________________
[] The Beijing government has released a list of newly recognized job descriptions including "sports agent," "video mixer" and "pet doctor." (USA Today 1/29)
Formerly called "chef."
_______________________________________
[] Fishermen off the coast of Tokyo netted a rare, prehistoric shark, that lives at 2000 feet. (USA Today 1/24)
Known as a "living fossil," it has eel-like skin, rows of sharp teeth... oops, sorry, that's Donald Trump.
_______________________________________
[] Silverjet Airlines offers beds, gourmet meals and vintage wines on daily round trip business class between London and Newark. (USA Today 1/25)
So far, their biggest problem is coaxing passengers to get off the plane in Newark.
_______________________________________
[] Bush's approval rating at 28%, matching Nixon's a week before he resigned. (USA Today 1/28)
Just to be on the safe side, he's ordered Cheney's doctors to set his pacemaker on "pardon."
_______________________________________
[] Martha Stewart is helping boyfriend Charles Simonyi prepare for his journey to the Space Station in April. (USA Today 1/23)
He'll spend the mission in a French Provincial, Louis XIV captain's chair on an early American, Queen Anne inspired flight deck.
_______________________________________
[] Illinois Senator Dick Durbin to Anderson Cooper on CNN: "Cheney is delusional." (Cable News Network 1/25)
Just because he imagined the WMD's... a welcome as "liberators"... an insurgency in its "death throes"... "enormous successes" in Iraq? How about psychopathic?
_______________________________________
[] The average price of a seat at the Super Bowl is $5,115. (Associated Press 1/27)
Another $1500 if you want a back on it.
_______________________________________
[] Prince Charles and wife Camilla visit City of Brotherly Love. (USA Today 1/29)
Where the Prince participated in talks on urban renewal, global health care and human rights violations on "American Idol."
_______________________________________
[] Combination birth control-acne pill approved by FDA. (USA Today 1/30)
No kids, no zits.
_______________________________________
"Not over my dead body will they raise your taxes."
George W. Bush 1/5/02 Ontario, CA
_______________________________________
Friday, January 26, 2007: Tee For Two
[] An Australian passenger was removed from a Quantas flight for wearing a T-shirt with a photo of Bush that said "World's No. 1 Terrorist." (Associated Press 1/24)
The back had a picture of Cheney and the inscription: "World's Proudest Lesbian Grandpa."
_______________________________________
[] Isiah Washington enters rehab. (Associated Press 1/24)
Which could put him in the same graduating class as Lindsay Lohan, Mark Foley and Michael Richards.
_______________________________________
[] Attorney General Gonzales says the Constitution doesn't guarantee every citizen the right of habeas corpus. (S.F. Chronicle 1/24)
Citing as legal authority the works of Heinrich Himmler.
_______________________________________
[] Michigan court rules that the crime of adultery could draw life imprisonment. (Los Angeles Times 1/20)
Death by stoning if Gonzales has anything to say about it.
_______________________________________
[] On the third deadliest day in Iraq, insurgents infiltrated a green zone near Kabala wearing US Army uniforms. (Washington Post 1/22)
But, Bush was quick to boast, they were members of "the best-equipped, most highly motivated fake US Army in the world."
_______________________________________
[] Kerry: "I won't enter the 2008 presidential race." (Cable News Network 1/24)
But being Kerry, he could reverse course at any moment.
_______________________________________
"I like the idea of people running for office. There's a positive effect when you run for office. Maybe some will run for office and say, vote for me, I look forward to blowing up America. I don't know if that will be their platform or not. But it's... I don't think so. I think people who generally run for office say, vote for me, I'm looking forward to fixing your potholes or making sure you have bread on the table."
George W. Bush 3/16/05 Washington, D.C.
_______________________________________
[] A 1966, 800-horsepower Shelby Cobra sold at auction for a record $5.5 million. (Associated Press 1/22)
Pricy until you realize it included an extended warrenty.
_______________________________________
[] Oakland Raiders hire Lane Kiffin, at 31 the youngest coach in modern NFL history. (S.F. Chronicle 1/24)
He can't even get in to watch the game films unless accompanied by a parent or adult guardian.
_______________________________________
[] Bush's State if the Union Address drew more viewers than "American Idol." (ABC News 1/24)
Everybody was happy. Either way, they got an amateur.
_______________________________________
[] Study at the Oregon Health and Science University shows that 8% of sheep are gay. (New York Times 1/25)
And 73% of those prefer farmers.
_______________________________________
"It's very interesting when you think about it, the slaves who left here to go to America, because of their steadfast and their religion and their belief in freedom, helped change America."
George W. Bush 7/8/03 Dakar, Senegal
_______________________________________
Sunday, January 21, 2007: Here She Comes...
[] The Miss America Pageant is being revamped to make it more "relevant." (Associated Press 1/20)
Any contestant expressing a desire to "eradicate world hunger" will receive a free African orphan and a Lifetime Gold Pass at Denny's.
_______________________________________
[] The Motion Picture Association of America is revising its film rating system.(Associated Press 1/19)
And adding several new classifications:
1) PDC Must Be Accompanied by Parent or Parent's Divorce Lawyer
2) NFG Some Frontal Nudity Accompanied By Giggling
3) SPSN Stars Pauley Shore... 'Nuf Said
4) NARS Not Another "Rocky" Sequel
5) WGPC Who Greenlighted This Piece of Crap?
_______________________________________
[] A woman emerged after 19 years alone in the Cambodian jungle burbling, grunting and walking bent over. (Associated Press 1/20)
Oh, sorry... that was Rosie O'Donnell showing up for work on "The View."
_______________________________________
[] Bush to Scott Pelley on "60 Minutes": "You know, saying 'Bring 'em on' was a mistake." (USA Today 1/19)
But not as disastrous as saying "I will" at his swearing-in.
_______________________________________
[] Los Angeles will bid on the 2016 Summer Olympics. (Associated Press 1/20)
Offering a new event: the 1600 Meter American Idol Audition Medley Relay.
_______________________________________
"Saddam would still be in power if Kerry were president of the United States and the world would be a lot better off."
George W. Bush at the presidential debate on 10/8/04
_______________________________________
[] Julie Winnifred Bertrand, the world's second-oldest woman, died in Montreal at age 115. (Associated Press 1/20)
As a teen, she baby sat Dick Clark.
_______________________________________
[] Former Ohio Republican Congressman Bob Ney draws 2 1/2 years for his role in the Abramhoff scandal. (New York Times 1/20)
He's undergoing orientation at the Mark Foley Reception Center in the Dan Rostenkowski Unit of the Duke Cunningham Crooked Hack Politician Correctional Facility.
_______________________________________
[] The House has revamped the student intern program to protect the pages from sex abuse by members of Congress. (USA Today 1/20)
Lawmakers admit that their mistake in the past was relying on advice from Catholic Church leaders.
_______________________________________
[] Pope Benedict XVI will travel to Brazil to attend May's Conference of Latin American Bishops. (Associated Press 1/20)
During which time, he's expected to canonize George Lopez, Cameron Diaz, Penelope Cruz, Antonio Banderes, Jennifer Lopez and name Ricardo Montalban a cardinal.
_______________________________________
[] Forbes Magazine crowns Oprah Winfrey the "Richest Woman in Entertainment." (Associated Press 1/20)
Amid ugly rumors that she gifted the judges with free cars.
_______________________________________
[] Soon New York cabs will be equipped with video screens displaying product ads. (Associated Press 1/20)
Some imbedded in the driver's turban.
_______________________________________
[] A House investigation found that 24 cruise passengers went missing between 2003 and 2005. (Los Angeles Times 1/20)
And that's not even counting the ones who fell into the Midnight Buffet and disappeared.
_______________________________________
"It's my honor to speak to you as the leader of your country. And the great thing about America is you don't have to listen unless you want to."
George W. Bush at Ellis Island, New York on 7/15/01
_______________________________________
[] Sunnis outraged as Iraq botches the hanging of Saddam's half-brother by snapping off his head in the process. (USA Today 1/16)
Time for another peek at that "Texas Execution Handbook" Bush gave them for Christmas.
_______________________________________
[] For the first time since it began, a majority of Americans believe the US will lose the war in Iraq. (USA Today 1/16)
There's a silver lining, though. By the same margin, most believe that The Donald will sign a peace treaty with Rosie.
_______________________________________
"I strongly believe we're doing the right thing. If I didn't believe it, I'd pull the troops out, nor if I believed we could win, I'd pull the troops out."
George W.Bush on 4/6/06 in Charlotte, N.C.
"I think the tide is turning... see, as I remember... I was raised in the desert, but the tides kind of... it's easy to see a tide turn... Did I say those words?"
George W. Bush on 6/14/06 in Washington, D.C.
_______________________________________
"Nixon was Camelot to political satirists."
Art Buchwald -- 1925-2007
_______________________________________
[] AARP recalls child safety seat data after FDA challenges their testing procedures. (USA Today 1/18)
Seems they failed to use real children.
_______________________________________
[] Tobacco companies deny charges that they knowingly increased nicotine levels.(ABC News 1/18)
One slimeball executive at Philip Morris even asked, "What's nicotine?"
_______________________________________
[] Harley-Davidson posts a 4% rise in sales. (ABC News 1/18)
Spurring identical increases in beer sales, missing teeth and tattoos.
_______________________________________
[] Renamed LA/Ontario and LA/Palmdale airports expect to alleviate the crowding at LAX. (USA Today 1/16)
Still awaiting approval... LA/Anaheim/Azuza and Cu----camonga International.
_______________________________________
[] CIA to be made more flexible, remove barrier between spys and data analysts. (USA Today 1/16)
From now on, BOTH will be allowed to wear Ray-Bans and Burberry raincoats.
_______________________________________
[] Muslim teachers in Bavaria aren't allowed to wear head scarves while Catholic nuns' habits are okay. (USA Today 1/16)
The nuns have an advantage. The state bird of Bavaria is the penguin.
_______________________________________
[] Manhattan's New York Downtown Hospital is set to perform the world's first uterus transplant. (USA Today 1/16)
Christian Fundamentalists are strongly opposed, claiming embryos have a "right to life housing." (USA Today 1/16)
_______________________________________
[] Donald Trump gets a star on Hollywood Boulevard. (USA Today 1/16)
His hair is already in the cement at Graumann's Chinese.
___________________________________
[] Phil Michelson is reworking his form preparing for the Bob Hope Desert Classic. (USA Today 1/17)
Phil now breaks his wrists earlier on the downswing and chokes later in the tournament.
_______________________________________
[] Lt. General Dan Halutz, responsible for Israel's botched invasion of Palestine, has resigned. (USA Today 1/17)
Won't be out of work long, though. He'll join the war-planning firm of Don Rumsfeld & Associates.
_______________________________________
[] The Navy will name a new carrier after Gerald Ford. (USA Today 1/17)
Equipped with a stumble-proof gangplank.
_______________________________________
[] Bucking a long-time trend, TV dramas will feature more Christian conservative characters. (USA Today 1/17)
Most will be killed off early by the more intelligent left-leaning characters, but it's a start.
_______________________________________
[] Rumors persist that David Beckham joined the LA Galaxy to pursue a career in Hollywood. (USA Today 1/17)
Reports vehemently denied by his wife, Posh Oregano.
_______________________________________
[] The first regular-season NFL game will be played in England. (USA Today 1/17)
With a few changes to accomodate British sensibilities:
1) Coin toss replaced by the "Euro Flip"
2) Rupert Everett will act as an enterpreter for John Madden
3) No changing of guards without presence of a Beefeater
4) Line judges will wear robes and wigs
5) Tailgate parties limited to strawberries and cream
_______________________________________
[] Seven federal prosecutors were sacked by the Attorney General Gonzales with no explanation. (MSNBC 1/17)
Wouldn't you think Harriet Meirs could find a new job on her own?
_______________________________________
[] Lindsay Lohan has entered rehab. (USA Today 1/18)
She's been assigned a bed in the Britney Spears Unit in the Mel Gibson Wing of the Paris Hilton Hilton.
_______________________________________
[]The body of James Brown is being kept in a "chilled room" until a site for his mausoleum is chosen. (USA Today 1/17)
Actually, James is bunking with Ted Williams and Walt Disney.
_______________________________________
[] Age-O-Matic.com allows users to age photos of themselves up to fifty years. (USA Today 1/18)
Watching American Idol will do the same thing.
_______________________________________
[] The NHL has unveiled safer, more durable uniforms to be adopted by all teams. (USA Today 1/18)
The old ones had inadequate armor which had to be upgraded by the players' families and friends.
_______________________________________
"My pro-life position is I believe there's life. It's not necessarily based in religion. I think there's a life there, therefore the notion of life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness." (George W.Bush on 1/23/01 to the San Francisco Chronicle)
"I'm also mindful that man should never try to put words in God's mouth. I mean, we should never ascribe natural disasters or anything else to God. We are in no way, shape or form should a human being play God." (George W. Bush on 1/4/05 to "20-20")
_______________________________________
[] Bush promises to veto a House bill that would require the federal government to negotiate with drug companies to lower Medicare prices. (USA Today 1/12)
But most think he'll come around when Pfizer cuts off his free Viagra.
_______________________________________
[] Bush to "60 Minutes": "I'm the educator-in-chief." (Los Angeles Times 1/15)
Whose duties, we hope to God, won't conflict with those of his job as "the decider."
_______________________________________
[] A digitally-created Orville Redenbacher will appear in a commercial during half time at the Super Bowl. (USA Today 1/12)
If the public buys Orville, the Pentagon plans to kill a digital version of Osama Bin Laden, tell Bush they got him, and bring home the troops.
_______________________________________
[] David Beckham has signed with the Los Angeles Galaxy for $250 million. (USA Today 1/12)
And seems to be generating more interest in soccer than Mia Hamm's sports bra.
_______________________________________
[] MSC's new cruise liner "Orchestra" will cater primarily to passengers from Italy, France and Germany. (USA Today 1/12)
When the ship crosses the equator, they'll reenact World War II.
_______________________________________
[] About 40% of cats in the US are obese. (Associated Press 1/12)
What do they expect when their only exercise is shredding the occasional couch?
_______________________________________
[] A National Intelligence Agency report warns that the Hesbollah is gaining on Al Qaeda as a national threat. (USA Today 1/12)
Both, however, still trail Christian Fundamentalism by a wide margin.
_______________________________________
[] Air Force staff sergeant Michelle Manhart faces a court martial for appearing nude in Playboy Magazine. (USA Today 1/12)
Remove your clothes in today's military and they'd better be blood-soaked.
_______________________________________
[] Customs and Immigration officers have doubled their seizures of counterfeit designer goods coming in from abroad. (USA Today 1/12)
Thanks in large part to their synchronized, super-accurate Tag-Heuer knock-offs from Beijing.
_______________________________________
[] The Democrats have chosen Denver as the site of their 2008 presidential nominating convention. (USA Today 1/12)
Preparations are already underway to secure an adequate supply of hotel rooms, rental cars and hookers.
_______________________________________
[] The Los Angeles Dodgers will offer all-you-can-eat bleacher tickets for $30. (Associated Press 1/14)
Which has to be the biggest culinery news from the ballpark since Tommy Lasorda installed that salad bar in the bull pen. _______________________________________
[] Pepsi will unveil 35 new container designs to appeal to the youth market. (USA Today 1/15)
Including printed directions for the short attention spanners like "Open This End."
_______________________________________
[] Gerald Ford ranked Clinton "an average president, overall... " (Associated Press 1/13)
And if there was ever an expert on "average"...
_______________________________________
"As you know, we don't have relationships with Iran. I mean... that's ever since the late 70's, we have no contacts with them, and we've totally sanctioned them... You can't... we're out of sanctions."
George W. Bush on 8/9/04 Annandale, Va.
_______________________________________
[] The FAA may raise the commercial pilots retirement age to 65. (USA Today 1/10)
But the aging jet jockies will be restricted to "early bird" flights, cleared to land only at "easy" airports and be allowed "first-in-line" use of the restroom closest to the cockpit.
_______________________________________
[] Chicago's "Loopa-topia," an all night celebration of the city's urban renewal, will take place in May. (USA Today 1/15)
But don't confuse it with "Driveby-topia" which honors their skyrocketing firearm death toll.
_______________________________________
[] California has chosen a name for its earthquake awareness program: "Shift Happens: Secure Your Own Space." (USA Today 1/10)
It barely edged out "Being Buried Alive is a Bummer: Run Like Hell!"
_______________________________________
[] Kobe Bryant's jersey is back in the top spot as the NBA fans' favorite. (USA Today 1/11)
It's almost as popular as Mrs. Bryant's t-shirt that says "All I Got Was This Lousy Diamond Ring."
_______________________________________
[] Dracula's Transylvania castle is up for sale. (USA Today 1/11)
It may be acquired by the IRS and converted into a training facility.
_______________________________________
"Families is where our nation finds hope, where wings take dream."
George W. Bush on 10/18/00 in LaCrosse, Wisconsin
_______________________________________
C I N E M A - V E R I T I E S
"Little Miss Sunshine"
Semi-biographical documentary that examines, through interviews, clips and court reenactments, the life and career of Katie Couric.
"Blood Diamond"
Psychological thriller in which the camera tracks a down and out Triple A reliever bent on satisfying a delusional obsession to knock off the entire Cleveland bull pen one hurler at a time.
"The Queen"
This Robert Altmanesque look at a day in the life of Mr. Blackwell fondly recalls the halcyon days of "The Hollywood Squares" with rare clips of Waylon Flowers & Madam sparring comedically with Paul Lynde.
"The Good Shepherd"
This sequel to "Brokeback Mountain" features a Turkistanian sheepherder who, after being discovered having an affair with a member of his flock, must struggle to avoid being replaced by a "good shepherd" who is able to keep his tunic zippered while on duty.
"Babel"
A backstage parody of "The View" with Oscar-worthy performances by Meryl Streep as Barbara Walters and Sasha Baron Cohen as Rosie O'Donnell.
_______________________________________
Monday, January 8, 2007: Regrets Only...
[] Army apologizes for sending letters asking wounded and dead soldiers to reenlist. (Associated Press 1/6)
How would you like to be needlessly sacrificed at the altar of that incompetent nitwit twice?
_______________________________________
[] Rehnquist was addicted to the now-banned sedative Placidil and often hallucinated, newly released medical records show. (ABC News 1/6)
Which solves the mystery of why his colleagues often referred to him as "Rush."
_______________________________________
[] Bush replaces Casey and Abazaid with officers more sympathetic to his "surge" plan. (Cable News Network 1/5)
Family insiders admit that even Laura rejected his "surge" plan when he attempted one during his honeymoon.
_______________________________________
[] "The enemy is reacting the way we expected them to and that will ultimately lead us to triumph," said Lt. Col. Andrew Pappas in Fontimiya, Iraq. (Los Angeles Times 1/6)
Andy commands the storied 101st Wishful Thinking Reconnaissance Battalion, 37th In Your Dreams Brigade, 13th Land of Oz Regiment, Pie in the Sky Company.
_______________________________________
"But Iraq has... have got people there that are willing to kill, and they're hard-nosed killers. And we will work with the Iraqis to secure their future."
George W. Bush on 4/28/05 in Washington D.C.
_______________________________________
[] A Polish Catholic archbishop resigned after being exposed as having worked undercover for the Communist regime. (USA Today 1/8)
In defense of His Eminence, he only fingered pinko Lutherans.
_______________________________________
[] A new website (elpasotimes.com) allows users to report illegal immigrants crossing the US-Mexican border. (USA Today 1/8)
It was modeled after surveillance cameras in the parking lot of Home Depot.
_______________________________________
[] Prince William reports for duty with the Blues & Royals Regiment of the Household Cavalry stationed at Cambermere Barracks. (USA Today 1/8)
He'll be working as chum for the 67th Paparazzi Search & Destroy Regiment.
_______________________________________
[] HBO boxing commentator Jim Lampley was charged with felony domestic violence following an altercation with his girlfriend, former Miss California, Candice Sanders. (Los Angeles Times 1/6)
According to eye witnesses, when the fight was stopped ,Candi was ahead on points.
_______________________________________
"The Legislature's job is to write law. It's the Executive Branch's job to interpret law."
George W. Bush on 11/22/00 in Austin, TX
_______________________________________
Friday, January 5, 2007: Pearl Harbor and Heroshima Notwithstanding
"For a century and a half now, America and Japan have formed one of the great and enduring alliances of modern times."
George W. Bush during a visit to Tokyo in February, 2002
_______________________________________
[] George Bush Senior underwent hip replacement surgery at the Mayo Clinic. (USA Today 1/5)
The one weakened from all those years of being joined to Saudi sheiks.
_______________________________________
[] Harriet Miers, Bush's rejected Supreme Court choice, has resigned her post as White House Counsel. (USA Today 1/5)
She'll take a position in the Washington law firm of "Hacks, Duds & Losers" that specializes in representing unsuccessful Oscar nominees.
_______________________________________
[] Still mending after braking his leg skiing, Arnold Schwarzenegger will be sworn in on crutches. (USA Today 1/5)
Last night, he rolled over in bed and thought he felt a bone sticking out, but it was just Maria.
_______________________________________
[] The Catholic Diocese of Spokane, WA has agreed to pay $48 million to victims of priest sex abuse. (USA Today 1/5)
Which explains why the baby Jesus in their nativity scene this year was lying in a bed of shredded subpoenas.
_______________________________________
[] Forty-five cowboys are scheduled to compete in the Professional Bull Riders season opener in Madison Square Garden. (USA Today 1/5)
The theme this year is "Remembering Brokeback Mountain."
_______________________________________
[] Suicide among members of the California Hiway Patrol is five times the national average. (USA Today 1/5)
Due, experts believe, to their inability to meet the standards set by Eric Estrada.
_______________________________________
[] The FTC is threatening to fine weight loss firms for making clinically unproven claims. (Associated Press 1/5)
Like saying that people can lose weight taking pills or that Kirsty Alley can act.
_______________________________________
[] Spirit Airlines is offering round trip tickets for as low as 5 cents each way. (USA Today 1/5)
Some restrictions apply... like you have to provide your own aluminum lawn chair to sit on.
_______________________________________
[] Consumer Reports found that most infant car seats performed "disastrously" in crash tests. Only the "Flex-Loc" from Baby Trends and Graco's "SnugRide" passed. (USA Today 1/5)
The worst performer was the "Are We There Yet?" tiedown from Scampering Rugrats.
_______________________________________
[] Lindsay Lohan entered a Los Angeles hospital for an appendectomy. (Associated Press 1/5)
She demanded that her operating room be supplied with a deli platter, fresh fruit and a case of Evian.
_______________________________________
[] Celine Dione will close her four-year run at Caesar's Palace on December 15. (Associated Press 1/5)
She'll take some time off before starting work on her new album "Why the Long Face?"
_______________________________________
[] Neighbors of Charlton Heston have sued him for allowing a mud slide to damage their Mulholland Drive homes below his. (Associated Press 1/5)
Worse, they say, he kept trying to part it.
_______________________________________
[] A honeymooning bride has accepted a $1 million offer from Royal Caribbean for losing her husband during a cruise. (Associated Press 1/5)
Better still, they've agreed to waive his outstanding gratuity charges.
_______________________________________
"In my judgment, when the United States says there will be serious consequences, and if there isn't serious consequences, it creates adverse consequences."
George W. Bush on "Meet the Press" 2/8/04
_______________________________________
Thursday, January 4, 2007: Abu Dabba Honeymoon
[] US military officials: "We would have handled the execution differently." (ABC News 1/3)
Yeah, their version would have included a waterboard... genital jumper cables... sheets with eye holes... a nude pyramid... a ravenous German Shepard... a hillbilly woman dressed as a soldier...
_______________________________________
[] Home Depot CEO Robert Nardelli is ousted after stock plummets. (ABC News 1/3)
Along with having to accept a $60 million severance buyout, they stripped Bob of his orange apron.
_______________________________________
[] Coca-Cola's new "Enviga" claims to cut calories with green tea. (ABC News 1/31)
So effectively, say company execs, the can gets thinner as you drink it.
_______________________________________
[] Barbara defends O'Donnell: "Rosie has brought a new vitality to 'The View'." (Cable News Network 1/3)
Not as much as Danny DeVito, but a lot.
_______________________________________
[] Negroponte to step down as security chief, accepts post as Undersecretary of State. (Cable News Network 1/3)
At last... a guy willing to spend some time under Condi.
_______________________________________
[] Steven Spielberg, Harrison Ford and George Lucas have signed on to David Koepp's script for a fourth "Indiana Jones" movie. (Los Angeles Times 1/3)
His plot in a nutshell: Indiana, now 64 and arthritic, is working as a curator at the Hollywood Wax Museum. One day, while performing routine maintenance on Jennifer Lopez, he discovers an uncut diamond imbedded in her left buttock. Recognizing it immediately as the very stone that he had hidden in a rye bread during the Blitz when the Nazis threatened to expose his inordinate interest in Scientology, he sets off on a quest to return the gem to its rightful owner, Pope Valvoline VI, defrocked for tax irregularities and now a part time organ grinder at Euro-Disney dressed in the colorful papal garb that he was allowed to keep but failed to declare. Indie manages to locate the aging ex-pontiff but not before being castrated by Sean Connery during a seance arranged by the Duke of Marlboro. That's pretty much it, but the producers express high expectations that the extensive special effects will save both the film and Harrison Ford's career.
________________________________________
Tuesday, January 2, 2007: Loose Noose Nooze
[] Smuggled cell phone video shows Saddam's final moments. (USA Today 1/2)
Taken by a spy from Gentlemens Quarterly who reported the executee wore black gaberdine slacks and tasseled patent leather loafers from After Six and a summer weight polo shirt from Izod set off by a custom designed eight-spiral noose from "Omar's Hemp World" in Baghdad.
_______________________________________
[] The FBI reports that interrogators at Guantanamo dress as Catholic priests and perform mock baptisms on Muslim detainees. (USA Today 1/3)
Worse, they force them to play Bingo while facing Mecca.
_______________________________________
[] Pat Robertson claims that God told him there will be "mass killings" by terrorists in late 2007. (USA Today 1/3)
Preventable only if everyone sends him $5000 in unmarked bills.
_______________________________________
[] The US-Mexico border fence will cost ten times the original estimate. (USA Today 12/30)
Seems the GOP overlooked the cost of retraining all those Mexican stoop laborers.
_______________________________________
[] Wisconsin is one of only two states that ban the carrying of a concealed weapon. (USA Today 1/3)
In Green Bay, they aren't even allowed to carry a concealed cheese.
_______________________________________
"That's a chapter... the last chapter of the 20th... 20th... the 21st century that most of us would rather forget. The last chapter of the 20th century... this is the first chapter of the 21st century."
George W. Bush on 10/24/00 in Arlington Heights, Ill.
_______________________________________
[] The German based Smokers International Airways offers caviar, designer-clothed flight attendants and ashtrays at every seat. (USA Today 12/29)
And don't forget the complimentary chemo and radiation.
_______________________________________
[] Manchester, New Hampshire school busses will install video cameras in all their busses. (USA Today 12/29)
That's nothing. In Hollywood the school busses carry a cameraman, three gaffers and a second unit director.
_______________________________________
[] India's chess champion Umakant Sharma was banned from the game after officials discovered a Bluetooth transmitter sewn into his cap. (USA Today 12/29)
Worse, he was using corked bishops.
_______________________________________
Hey, you're in for a fun read if you haven't sampled Bob's online book entitled "HOPE WRITER: My Life Inside Bob Hope's Comedy Factory." It's chock full of backstage stories and celebrity anecdotes from the author's seventeen years "on the road" with Hope and it's audio-illustrated by Odeo.com. Now you can hear the classic songs, sketches and comedy routines that made Hope TV specials so unique. That golden era may be gone, but the memories linger on at:
www.hope-writer.blogspot.com
_______________________________________
[] Chrysler has partnered with China to produce small cars. (Associated Press 12/30)
Their first model will ba a won ton pickup.
_______________________________________
[] Rowan Williams, the Archbishop of Canterbury, blames the chaos in Iraq on US "shortsightedness and ignorance." (Associated Press 12/24)
When Bush learned of this, he reportedly told an aide "I didn't even like him on Laugh-In."
_______________________________________
"It's important for us to experience to our notion that life is important. It's not only life of babies, but it's life of children living in... you know... the dark dungeons of the internet."
George W. Bush on 10/24/00 in Arlington Heights, Ill.
_______________________________________
They've decided to build the J.R. Ewing Library instead. More books.
_______________________________________
[] Pete Sampras, away from the courts for five years, will play in a senior tournament. (USA Today 1/30)
The "AARP-Centrum Silver-Metamucil-Cialas-Flomax-Salonpas Open" in Sun City.
_______________________________________
[] CBS canceled "Armed & Famous" after only four episodes. (Cable News Network 1/30)
Seems the famous couldn't avoid arresting suspects who were also famous. The non-famous had simply had enough.
_______________________________________
[] Sarah Lee sacks 1700 employees. (ABC News 1/29)
Even the company's namesake was pinkslipped. Their new slogan: "Nobody Doesn't Like Sarah Ferguson, Duchess of York."
_______________________________________
[] A tone-deaf Hillary Clinton was caught on an open microphone mangling the National Anthem during a visit to Iowa. (NBC News 1/29)
On a brighter note, she's been invited to perform at the San Diego Padres season opener.
_______________________________________
"Those who enter the country illegally violate the law."
George W. Bush 11/20/05 Tucson, Arizona
_______________________________________
[] Democratic congress vows to make global warming a top priority. (USA Today 1/30)
There's already a bill in the works to place Al Gore on the Endangered Species List.
_______________________________________
[] The captain of the nuclear submarine USS Newport News was relieved of duty after running his ship into a Japanese tanker. (USA Today 1/30)
Which fast tracked him onto Bush's short list for Navy Secretary.
_______________________________________
[] New Yorkers are suffering an invasion of bed bugs. (USA Today 1/27)
Mayor Bloomberg is this close to declaring a quarantine on Paris Hilton.
_______________________________________
[] The Beijing government has released a list of newly recognized job descriptions including "sports agent," "video mixer" and "pet doctor." (USA Today 1/29)
Formerly called "chef."
_______________________________________
[] Fishermen off the coast of Tokyo netted a rare, prehistoric shark, that lives at 2000 feet. (USA Today 1/24)
Known as a "living fossil," it has eel-like skin, rows of sharp teeth... oops, sorry, that's Donald Trump.
_______________________________________
[] Silverjet Airlines offers beds, gourmet meals and vintage wines on daily round trip business class between London and Newark. (USA Today 1/25)
So far, their biggest problem is coaxing passengers to get off the plane in Newark.
_______________________________________
[] Bush's approval rating at 28%, matching Nixon's a week before he resigned. (USA Today 1/28)
Just to be on the safe side, he's ordered Cheney's doctors to set his pacemaker on "pardon."
_______________________________________
[] Martha Stewart is helping boyfriend Charles Simonyi prepare for his journey to the Space Station in April. (USA Today 1/23)
He'll spend the mission in a French Provincial, Louis XIV captain's chair on an early American, Queen Anne inspired flight deck.
_______________________________________
[] Illinois Senator Dick Durbin to Anderson Cooper on CNN: "Cheney is delusional." (Cable News Network 1/25)
Just because he imagined the WMD's... a welcome as "liberators"... an insurgency in its "death throes"... "enormous successes" in Iraq? How about psychopathic?
_______________________________________
[] The average price of a seat at the Super Bowl is $5,115. (Associated Press 1/27)
Another $1500 if you want a back on it.
_______________________________________
[] Prince Charles and wife Camilla visit City of Brotherly Love. (USA Today 1/29)
Where the Prince participated in talks on urban renewal, global health care and human rights violations on "American Idol."
_______________________________________
[] Combination birth control-acne pill approved by FDA. (USA Today 1/30)
No kids, no zits.
_______________________________________
"Not over my dead body will they raise your taxes."
George W. Bush 1/5/02 Ontario, CA
_______________________________________
Friday, January 26, 2007: Tee For Two
[] An Australian passenger was removed from a Quantas flight for wearing a T-shirt with a photo of Bush that said "World's No. 1 Terrorist." (Associated Press 1/24)
The back had a picture of Cheney and the inscription: "World's Proudest Lesbian Grandpa."
_______________________________________
[] Isiah Washington enters rehab. (Associated Press 1/24)
Which could put him in the same graduating class as Lindsay Lohan, Mark Foley and Michael Richards.
_______________________________________
[] Attorney General Gonzales says the Constitution doesn't guarantee every citizen the right of habeas corpus. (S.F. Chronicle 1/24)
Citing as legal authority the works of Heinrich Himmler.
_______________________________________
[] Michigan court rules that the crime of adultery could draw life imprisonment. (Los Angeles Times 1/20)
Death by stoning if Gonzales has anything to say about it.
_______________________________________
[] On the third deadliest day in Iraq, insurgents infiltrated a green zone near Kabala wearing US Army uniforms. (Washington Post 1/22)
But, Bush was quick to boast, they were members of "the best-equipped, most highly motivated fake US Army in the world."
_______________________________________
[] Kerry: "I won't enter the 2008 presidential race." (Cable News Network 1/24)
But being Kerry, he could reverse course at any moment.
_______________________________________
"I like the idea of people running for office. There's a positive effect when you run for office. Maybe some will run for office and say, vote for me, I look forward to blowing up America. I don't know if that will be their platform or not. But it's... I don't think so. I think people who generally run for office say, vote for me, I'm looking forward to fixing your potholes or making sure you have bread on the table."
George W. Bush 3/16/05 Washington, D.C.
_______________________________________
[] A 1966, 800-horsepower Shelby Cobra sold at auction for a record $5.5 million. (Associated Press 1/22)
Pricy until you realize it included an extended warrenty.
_______________________________________
[] Oakland Raiders hire Lane Kiffin, at 31 the youngest coach in modern NFL history. (S.F. Chronicle 1/24)
He can't even get in to watch the game films unless accompanied by a parent or adult guardian.
_______________________________________
[] Bush's State if the Union Address drew more viewers than "American Idol." (ABC News 1/24)
Everybody was happy. Either way, they got an amateur.
_______________________________________
[] Study at the Oregon Health and Science University shows that 8% of sheep are gay. (New York Times 1/25)
And 73% of those prefer farmers.
_______________________________________
"It's very interesting when you think about it, the slaves who left here to go to America, because of their steadfast and their religion and their belief in freedom, helped change America."
George W. Bush 7/8/03 Dakar, Senegal
_______________________________________
Sunday, January 21, 2007: Here She Comes...
[] The Miss America Pageant is being revamped to make it more "relevant." (Associated Press 1/20)
Any contestant expressing a desire to "eradicate world hunger" will receive a free African orphan and a Lifetime Gold Pass at Denny's.
_______________________________________
[] The Motion Picture Association of America is revising its film rating system.(Associated Press 1/19)
And adding several new classifications:
1) PDC Must Be Accompanied by Parent or Parent's Divorce Lawyer
2) NFG Some Frontal Nudity Accompanied By Giggling
3) SPSN Stars Pauley Shore... 'Nuf Said
4) NARS Not Another "Rocky" Sequel
5) WGPC Who Greenlighted This Piece of Crap?
_______________________________________
[] A woman emerged after 19 years alone in the Cambodian jungle burbling, grunting and walking bent over. (Associated Press 1/20)
Oh, sorry... that was Rosie O'Donnell showing up for work on "The View."
_______________________________________
[] Bush to Scott Pelley on "60 Minutes": "You know, saying 'Bring 'em on' was a mistake." (USA Today 1/19)
But not as disastrous as saying "I will" at his swearing-in.
_______________________________________
[] Los Angeles will bid on the 2016 Summer Olympics. (Associated Press 1/20)
Offering a new event: the 1600 Meter American Idol Audition Medley Relay.
_______________________________________
"Saddam would still be in power if Kerry were president of the United States and the world would be a lot better off."
George W. Bush at the presidential debate on 10/8/04
_______________________________________
[] Julie Winnifred Bertrand, the world's second-oldest woman, died in Montreal at age 115. (Associated Press 1/20)
As a teen, she baby sat Dick Clark.
_______________________________________
[] Former Ohio Republican Congressman Bob Ney draws 2 1/2 years for his role in the Abramhoff scandal. (New York Times 1/20)
He's undergoing orientation at the Mark Foley Reception Center in the Dan Rostenkowski Unit of the Duke Cunningham Crooked Hack Politician Correctional Facility.
_______________________________________
[] The House has revamped the student intern program to protect the pages from sex abuse by members of Congress. (USA Today 1/20)
Lawmakers admit that their mistake in the past was relying on advice from Catholic Church leaders.
_______________________________________
[] Pope Benedict XVI will travel to Brazil to attend May's Conference of Latin American Bishops. (Associated Press 1/20)
During which time, he's expected to canonize George Lopez, Cameron Diaz, Penelope Cruz, Antonio Banderes, Jennifer Lopez and name Ricardo Montalban a cardinal.
_______________________________________
[] Forbes Magazine crowns Oprah Winfrey the "Richest Woman in Entertainment." (Associated Press 1/20)
Amid ugly rumors that she gifted the judges with free cars.
_______________________________________
[] Soon New York cabs will be equipped with video screens displaying product ads. (Associated Press 1/20)
Some imbedded in the driver's turban.
_______________________________________
[] A House investigation found that 24 cruise passengers went missing between 2003 and 2005. (Los Angeles Times 1/20)
And that's not even counting the ones who fell into the Midnight Buffet and disappeared.
_______________________________________
"It's my honor to speak to you as the leader of your country. And the great thing about America is you don't have to listen unless you want to."
George W. Bush at Ellis Island, New York on 7/15/01
_______________________________________
[] Sunnis outraged as Iraq botches the hanging of Saddam's half-brother by snapping off his head in the process. (USA Today 1/16)
Time for another peek at that "Texas Execution Handbook" Bush gave them for Christmas.
_______________________________________
[] For the first time since it began, a majority of Americans believe the US will lose the war in Iraq. (USA Today 1/16)
There's a silver lining, though. By the same margin, most believe that The Donald will sign a peace treaty with Rosie.
_______________________________________
"I strongly believe we're doing the right thing. If I didn't believe it, I'd pull the troops out, nor if I believed we could win, I'd pull the troops out."
George W.Bush on 4/6/06 in Charlotte, N.C.
"I think the tide is turning... see, as I remember... I was raised in the desert, but the tides kind of... it's easy to see a tide turn... Did I say those words?"
George W. Bush on 6/14/06 in Washington, D.C.
_______________________________________
"Nixon was Camelot to political satirists."
Art Buchwald -- 1925-2007
_______________________________________
[] AARP recalls child safety seat data after FDA challenges their testing procedures. (USA Today 1/18)
Seems they failed to use real children.
_______________________________________
[] Tobacco companies deny charges that they knowingly increased nicotine levels.(ABC News 1/18)
One slimeball executive at Philip Morris even asked, "What's nicotine?"
_______________________________________
[] Harley-Davidson posts a 4% rise in sales. (ABC News 1/18)
Spurring identical increases in beer sales, missing teeth and tattoos.
_______________________________________
[] Renamed LA/Ontario and LA/Palmdale airports expect to alleviate the crowding at LAX. (USA Today 1/16)
Still awaiting approval... LA/Anaheim/Azuza and Cu----camonga International.
_______________________________________
[] CIA to be made more flexible, remove barrier between spys and data analysts. (USA Today 1/16)
From now on, BOTH will be allowed to wear Ray-Bans and Burberry raincoats.
_______________________________________
[] Muslim teachers in Bavaria aren't allowed to wear head scarves while Catholic nuns' habits are okay. (USA Today 1/16)
The nuns have an advantage. The state bird of Bavaria is the penguin.
_______________________________________
[] Manhattan's New York Downtown Hospital is set to perform the world's first uterus transplant. (USA Today 1/16)
Christian Fundamentalists are strongly opposed, claiming embryos have a "right to life housing." (USA Today 1/16)
_______________________________________
[] Donald Trump gets a star on Hollywood Boulevard. (USA Today 1/16)
His hair is already in the cement at Graumann's Chinese.
___________________________________
[] Phil Michelson is reworking his form preparing for the Bob Hope Desert Classic. (USA Today 1/17)
Phil now breaks his wrists earlier on the downswing and chokes later in the tournament.
_______________________________________
[] Lt. General Dan Halutz, responsible for Israel's botched invasion of Palestine, has resigned. (USA Today 1/17)
Won't be out of work long, though. He'll join the war-planning firm of Don Rumsfeld & Associates.
_______________________________________
[] The Navy will name a new carrier after Gerald Ford. (USA Today 1/17)
Equipped with a stumble-proof gangplank.
_______________________________________
[] Bucking a long-time trend, TV dramas will feature more Christian conservative characters. (USA Today 1/17)
Most will be killed off early by the more intelligent left-leaning characters, but it's a start.
_______________________________________
[] Rumors persist that David Beckham joined the LA Galaxy to pursue a career in Hollywood. (USA Today 1/17)
Reports vehemently denied by his wife, Posh Oregano.
_______________________________________
[] The first regular-season NFL game will be played in England. (USA Today 1/17)
With a few changes to accomodate British sensibilities:
1) Coin toss replaced by the "Euro Flip"
2) Rupert Everett will act as an enterpreter for John Madden
3) No changing of guards without presence of a Beefeater
4) Line judges will wear robes and wigs
5) Tailgate parties limited to strawberries and cream
_______________________________________
[] Seven federal prosecutors were sacked by the Attorney General Gonzales with no explanation. (MSNBC 1/17)
Wouldn't you think Harriet Meirs could find a new job on her own?
_______________________________________
[] Lindsay Lohan has entered rehab. (USA Today 1/18)
She's been assigned a bed in the Britney Spears Unit in the Mel Gibson Wing of the Paris Hilton Hilton.
_______________________________________
[]The body of James Brown is being kept in a "chilled room" until a site for his mausoleum is chosen. (USA Today 1/17)
Actually, James is bunking with Ted Williams and Walt Disney.
_______________________________________
[] Age-O-Matic.com allows users to age photos of themselves up to fifty years. (USA Today 1/18)
Watching American Idol will do the same thing.
_______________________________________
[] The NHL has unveiled safer, more durable uniforms to be adopted by all teams. (USA Today 1/18)
The old ones had inadequate armor which had to be upgraded by the players' families and friends.
_______________________________________
"My pro-life position is I believe there's life. It's not necessarily based in religion. I think there's a life there, therefore the notion of life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness." (George W.Bush on 1/23/01 to the San Francisco Chronicle)
"I'm also mindful that man should never try to put words in God's mouth. I mean, we should never ascribe natural disasters or anything else to God. We are in no way, shape or form should a human being play God." (George W. Bush on 1/4/05 to "20-20")
_______________________________________
[] Bush promises to veto a House bill that would require the federal government to negotiate with drug companies to lower Medicare prices. (USA Today 1/12)
But most think he'll come around when Pfizer cuts off his free Viagra.
_______________________________________
[] Bush to "60 Minutes": "I'm the educator-in-chief." (Los Angeles Times 1/15)
Whose duties, we hope to God, won't conflict with those of his job as "the decider."
_______________________________________
[] A digitally-created Orville Redenbacher will appear in a commercial during half time at the Super Bowl. (USA Today 1/12)
If the public buys Orville, the Pentagon plans to kill a digital version of Osama Bin Laden, tell Bush they got him, and bring home the troops.
_______________________________________
[] David Beckham has signed with the Los Angeles Galaxy for $250 million. (USA Today 1/12)
And seems to be generating more interest in soccer than Mia Hamm's sports bra.
_______________________________________
[] MSC's new cruise liner "Orchestra" will cater primarily to passengers from Italy, France and Germany. (USA Today 1/12)
When the ship crosses the equator, they'll reenact World War II.
_______________________________________
[] About 40% of cats in the US are obese. (Associated Press 1/12)
What do they expect when their only exercise is shredding the occasional couch?
_______________________________________
[] A National Intelligence Agency report warns that the Hesbollah is gaining on Al Qaeda as a national threat. (USA Today 1/12)
Both, however, still trail Christian Fundamentalism by a wide margin.
_______________________________________
[] Air Force staff sergeant Michelle Manhart faces a court martial for appearing nude in Playboy Magazine. (USA Today 1/12)
Remove your clothes in today's military and they'd better be blood-soaked.
_______________________________________
[] Customs and Immigration officers have doubled their seizures of counterfeit designer goods coming in from abroad. (USA Today 1/12)
Thanks in large part to their synchronized, super-accurate Tag-Heuer knock-offs from Beijing.
_______________________________________
[] The Democrats have chosen Denver as the site of their 2008 presidential nominating convention. (USA Today 1/12)
Preparations are already underway to secure an adequate supply of hotel rooms, rental cars and hookers.
_______________________________________
[] The Los Angeles Dodgers will offer all-you-can-eat bleacher tickets for $30. (Associated Press 1/14)
Which has to be the biggest culinery news from the ballpark since Tommy Lasorda installed that salad bar in the bull pen. _______________________________________
[] Pepsi will unveil 35 new container designs to appeal to the youth market. (USA Today 1/15)
Including printed directions for the short attention spanners like "Open This End."
_______________________________________
[] Gerald Ford ranked Clinton "an average president, overall... " (Associated Press 1/13)
And if there was ever an expert on "average"...
_______________________________________
"As you know, we don't have relationships with Iran. I mean... that's ever since the late 70's, we have no contacts with them, and we've totally sanctioned them... You can't... we're out of sanctions."
George W. Bush on 8/9/04 Annandale, Va.
_______________________________________
[] The FAA may raise the commercial pilots retirement age to 65. (USA Today 1/10)
But the aging jet jockies will be restricted to "early bird" flights, cleared to land only at "easy" airports and be allowed "first-in-line" use of the restroom closest to the cockpit.
_______________________________________
[] Chicago's "Loopa-topia," an all night celebration of the city's urban renewal, will take place in May. (USA Today 1/15)
But don't confuse it with "Driveby-topia" which honors their skyrocketing firearm death toll.
_______________________________________
[] California has chosen a name for its earthquake awareness program: "Shift Happens: Secure Your Own Space." (USA Today 1/10)
It barely edged out "Being Buried Alive is a Bummer: Run Like Hell!"
_______________________________________
[] Kobe Bryant's jersey is back in the top spot as the NBA fans' favorite. (USA Today 1/11)
It's almost as popular as Mrs. Bryant's t-shirt that says "All I Got Was This Lousy Diamond Ring."
_______________________________________
[] Dracula's Transylvania castle is up for sale. (USA Today 1/11)
It may be acquired by the IRS and converted into a training facility.
_______________________________________
"Families is where our nation finds hope, where wings take dream."
George W. Bush on 10/18/00 in LaCrosse, Wisconsin
_______________________________________
C I N E M A - V E R I T I E S
"Little Miss Sunshine"
Semi-biographical documentary that examines, through interviews, clips and court reenactments, the life and career of Katie Couric.
"Blood Diamond"
Psychological thriller in which the camera tracks a down and out Triple A reliever bent on satisfying a delusional obsession to knock off the entire Cleveland bull pen one hurler at a time.
"The Queen"
This Robert Altmanesque look at a day in the life of Mr. Blackwell fondly recalls the halcyon days of "The Hollywood Squares" with rare clips of Waylon Flowers & Madam sparring comedically with Paul Lynde.
"The Good Shepherd"
This sequel to "Brokeback Mountain" features a Turkistanian sheepherder who, after being discovered having an affair with a member of his flock, must struggle to avoid being replaced by a "good shepherd" who is able to keep his tunic zippered while on duty.
"Babel"
A backstage parody of "The View" with Oscar-worthy performances by Meryl Streep as Barbara Walters and Sasha Baron Cohen as Rosie O'Donnell.
_______________________________________
Monday, January 8, 2007: Regrets Only...
[] Army apologizes for sending letters asking wounded and dead soldiers to reenlist. (Associated Press 1/6)
How would you like to be needlessly sacrificed at the altar of that incompetent nitwit twice?
_______________________________________
[] Rehnquist was addicted to the now-banned sedative Placidil and often hallucinated, newly released medical records show. (ABC News 1/6)
Which solves the mystery of why his colleagues often referred to him as "Rush."
_______________________________________
[] Bush replaces Casey and Abazaid with officers more sympathetic to his "surge" plan. (Cable News Network 1/5)
Family insiders admit that even Laura rejected his "surge" plan when he attempted one during his honeymoon.
_______________________________________
[] "The enemy is reacting the way we expected them to and that will ultimately lead us to triumph," said Lt. Col. Andrew Pappas in Fontimiya, Iraq. (Los Angeles Times 1/6)
Andy commands the storied 101st Wishful Thinking Reconnaissance Battalion, 37th In Your Dreams Brigade, 13th Land of Oz Regiment, Pie in the Sky Company.
_______________________________________
"But Iraq has... have got people there that are willing to kill, and they're hard-nosed killers. And we will work with the Iraqis to secure their future."
George W. Bush on 4/28/05 in Washington D.C.
_______________________________________
[] A Polish Catholic archbishop resigned after being exposed as having worked undercover for the Communist regime. (USA Today 1/8)
In defense of His Eminence, he only fingered pinko Lutherans.
_______________________________________
[] A new website (elpasotimes.com) allows users to report illegal immigrants crossing the US-Mexican border. (USA Today 1/8)
It was modeled after surveillance cameras in the parking lot of Home Depot.
_______________________________________
[] Prince William reports for duty with the Blues & Royals Regiment of the Household Cavalry stationed at Cambermere Barracks. (USA Today 1/8)
He'll be working as chum for the 67th Paparazzi Search & Destroy Regiment.
_______________________________________
[] HBO boxing commentator Jim Lampley was charged with felony domestic violence following an altercation with his girlfriend, former Miss California, Candice Sanders. (Los Angeles Times 1/6)
According to eye witnesses, when the fight was stopped ,Candi was ahead on points.
_______________________________________
"The Legislature's job is to write law. It's the Executive Branch's job to interpret law."
George W. Bush on 11/22/00 in Austin, TX
_______________________________________
Friday, January 5, 2007: Pearl Harbor and Heroshima Notwithstanding
"For a century and a half now, America and Japan have formed one of the great and enduring alliances of modern times."
George W. Bush during a visit to Tokyo in February, 2002
_______________________________________
[] George Bush Senior underwent hip replacement surgery at the Mayo Clinic. (USA Today 1/5)
The one weakened from all those years of being joined to Saudi sheiks.
_______________________________________
[] Harriet Miers, Bush's rejected Supreme Court choice, has resigned her post as White House Counsel. (USA Today 1/5)
She'll take a position in the Washington law firm of "Hacks, Duds & Losers" that specializes in representing unsuccessful Oscar nominees.
_______________________________________
[] Still mending after braking his leg skiing, Arnold Schwarzenegger will be sworn in on crutches. (USA Today 1/5)
Last night, he rolled over in bed and thought he felt a bone sticking out, but it was just Maria.
_______________________________________
[] The Catholic Diocese of Spokane, WA has agreed to pay $48 million to victims of priest sex abuse. (USA Today 1/5)
Which explains why the baby Jesus in their nativity scene this year was lying in a bed of shredded subpoenas.
_______________________________________
[] Forty-five cowboys are scheduled to compete in the Professional Bull Riders season opener in Madison Square Garden. (USA Today 1/5)
The theme this year is "Remembering Brokeback Mountain."
_______________________________________
[] Suicide among members of the California Hiway Patrol is five times the national average. (USA Today 1/5)
Due, experts believe, to their inability to meet the standards set by Eric Estrada.
_______________________________________
[] The FTC is threatening to fine weight loss firms for making clinically unproven claims. (Associated Press 1/5)
Like saying that people can lose weight taking pills or that Kirsty Alley can act.
_______________________________________
[] Spirit Airlines is offering round trip tickets for as low as 5 cents each way. (USA Today 1/5)
Some restrictions apply... like you have to provide your own aluminum lawn chair to sit on.
_______________________________________
[] Consumer Reports found that most infant car seats performed "disastrously" in crash tests. Only the "Flex-Loc" from Baby Trends and Graco's "SnugRide" passed. (USA Today 1/5)
The worst performer was the "Are We There Yet?" tiedown from Scampering Rugrats.
_______________________________________
[] Lindsay Lohan entered a Los Angeles hospital for an appendectomy. (Associated Press 1/5)
She demanded that her operating room be supplied with a deli platter, fresh fruit and a case of Evian.
_______________________________________
[] Celine Dione will close her four-year run at Caesar's Palace on December 15. (Associated Press 1/5)
She'll take some time off before starting work on her new album "Why the Long Face?"
_______________________________________
[] Neighbors of Charlton Heston have sued him for allowing a mud slide to damage their Mulholland Drive homes below his. (Associated Press 1/5)
Worse, they say, he kept trying to part it.
_______________________________________
[] A honeymooning bride has accepted a $1 million offer from Royal Caribbean for losing her husband during a cruise. (Associated Press 1/5)
Better still, they've agreed to waive his outstanding gratuity charges.
_______________________________________
"In my judgment, when the United States says there will be serious consequences, and if there isn't serious consequences, it creates adverse consequences."
George W. Bush on "Meet the Press" 2/8/04
_______________________________________
Thursday, January 4, 2007: Abu Dabba Honeymoon
[] US military officials: "We would have handled the execution differently." (ABC News 1/3)
Yeah, their version would have included a waterboard... genital jumper cables... sheets with eye holes... a nude pyramid... a ravenous German Shepard... a hillbilly woman dressed as a soldier...
_______________________________________
[] Home Depot CEO Robert Nardelli is ousted after stock plummets. (ABC News 1/3)
Along with having to accept a $60 million severance buyout, they stripped Bob of his orange apron.
_______________________________________
[] Coca-Cola's new "Enviga" claims to cut calories with green tea. (ABC News 1/31)
So effectively, say company execs, the can gets thinner as you drink it.
_______________________________________
[] Barbara defends O'Donnell: "Rosie has brought a new vitality to 'The View'." (Cable News Network 1/3)
Not as much as Danny DeVito, but a lot.
_______________________________________
[] Negroponte to step down as security chief, accepts post as Undersecretary of State. (Cable News Network 1/3)
At last... a guy willing to spend some time under Condi.
_______________________________________
[] Steven Spielberg, Harrison Ford and George Lucas have signed on to David Koepp's script for a fourth "Indiana Jones" movie. (Los Angeles Times 1/3)
His plot in a nutshell: Indiana, now 64 and arthritic, is working as a curator at the Hollywood Wax Museum. One day, while performing routine maintenance on Jennifer Lopez, he discovers an uncut diamond imbedded in her left buttock. Recognizing it immediately as the very stone that he had hidden in a rye bread during the Blitz when the Nazis threatened to expose his inordinate interest in Scientology, he sets off on a quest to return the gem to its rightful owner, Pope Valvoline VI, defrocked for tax irregularities and now a part time organ grinder at Euro-Disney dressed in the colorful papal garb that he was allowed to keep but failed to declare. Indie manages to locate the aging ex-pontiff but not before being castrated by Sean Connery during a seance arranged by the Duke of Marlboro. That's pretty much it, but the producers express high expectations that the extensive special effects will save both the film and Harrison Ford's career.
________________________________________
Tuesday, January 2, 2007: Loose Noose Nooze
[] Smuggled cell phone video shows Saddam's final moments. (USA Today 1/2)
Taken by a spy from Gentlemens Quarterly who reported the executee wore black gaberdine slacks and tasseled patent leather loafers from After Six and a summer weight polo shirt from Izod set off by a custom designed eight-spiral noose from "Omar's Hemp World" in Baghdad.
_______________________________________
[] The FBI reports that interrogators at Guantanamo dress as Catholic priests and perform mock baptisms on Muslim detainees. (USA Today 1/3)
Worse, they force them to play Bingo while facing Mecca.
_______________________________________
[] Pat Robertson claims that God told him there will be "mass killings" by terrorists in late 2007. (USA Today 1/3)
Preventable only if everyone sends him $5000 in unmarked bills.
_______________________________________
[] The US-Mexico border fence will cost ten times the original estimate. (USA Today 12/30)
Seems the GOP overlooked the cost of retraining all those Mexican stoop laborers.
_______________________________________
[] Wisconsin is one of only two states that ban the carrying of a concealed weapon. (USA Today 1/3)
In Green Bay, they aren't even allowed to carry a concealed cheese.
_______________________________________
"That's a chapter... the last chapter of the 20th... 20th... the 21st century that most of us would rather forget. The last chapter of the 20th century... this is the first chapter of the 21st century."
George W. Bush on 10/24/00 in Arlington Heights, Ill.
_______________________________________
[] The German based Smokers International Airways offers caviar, designer-clothed flight attendants and ashtrays at every seat. (USA Today 12/29)
And don't forget the complimentary chemo and radiation.
_______________________________________
[] Manchester, New Hampshire school busses will install video cameras in all their busses. (USA Today 12/29)
That's nothing. In Hollywood the school busses carry a cameraman, three gaffers and a second unit director.
_______________________________________
[] India's chess champion Umakant Sharma was banned from the game after officials discovered a Bluetooth transmitter sewn into his cap. (USA Today 12/29)
Worse, he was using corked bishops.
_______________________________________
Hey, you're in for a fun read if you haven't sampled Bob's online book entitled "HOPE WRITER: My Life Inside Bob Hope's Comedy Factory." It's chock full of backstage stories and celebrity anecdotes from the author's seventeen years "on the road" with Hope and it's audio-illustrated by Odeo.com. Now you can hear the classic songs, sketches and comedy routines that made Hope TV specials so unique. That golden era may be gone, but the memories linger on at:
www.hope-writer.blogspot.com
_______________________________________
[] Chrysler has partnered with China to produce small cars. (Associated Press 12/30)
Their first model will ba a won ton pickup.
_______________________________________
[] Rowan Williams, the Archbishop of Canterbury, blames the chaos in Iraq on US "shortsightedness and ignorance." (Associated Press 12/24)
When Bush learned of this, he reportedly told an aide "I didn't even like him on Laugh-In."
_______________________________________
"It's important for us to experience to our notion that life is important. It's not only life of babies, but it's life of children living in... you know... the dark dungeons of the internet."
George W. Bush on 10/24/00 in Arlington Heights, Ill.
_______________________________________
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
Click here to add theme music to your reading experience...
THE LAUGH MAKERS: A Leonard Maltin "Top 20" Year End Pick!
DOLORES HOPE MEDLEY
DOLORES HOPE "Silver Bells" (with Bob)
BOB HOPE'S 1983 U.S. COLLEGE CAMPUS TOUR: Your Alma Mater Here?
"Having spent twenty years writing for the indefatigable Bob Hope, and traveling all over the world, Bob Mills is well qualified to salute the famous corps of gag men who kept the comedian knee-deep in jokes. These first-hand recollections summon up the final phase of Hope’s career—and the end of the trail for an entire brand of show business."
http://www.leonardmaltin.com/2009YearEndBookSurvey.htm
http://www.leonardmaltin.com/2009YearEndBookSurvey.htm
Even Animals Love "THE YouTube WORLDWIDE NEWS"!
THE LAUGH MAKERS is now on KINDLE! (And Kindle equipped devices)
Download THE LAUGH MAKERS to your Kindle within one minute (for $2.99) by clicking on this link:
http://www.amazon.com/dp/B0041D9EPO
And if you're not yet a Kindle owner, when you purchase your new lower-priced Kindle with a capacity of 3500 books, be sure to sign up for our daily blog so you won't miss one issue of the web's most entertaining and insightful comments on the day's events... or a single serialized installment of THE LAUGH MAKERS. Order your Kindle today!
WakiLeaks: History Declassified 2000 (Vol. One) is now available on Kindle for $2.99
Compiled from Bob's newsletter "Funnyside Up" published in 2000. This is a yuck and chuckle-filled stroll down memory lane to a time before the Bush administration had inflicted its damage -- a time before the search for WMDs and Osama bin Laden. See what we were laughing at back then, who was in the news and who had yet to enter rehab -- which NFL stars had yet to do time in the Gray Bar Hotel.
http://www.amazon.com/dp/B004IZLXIQ
http://www.amazon.com/dp/B0041D9EPO
And if you're not yet a Kindle owner, when you purchase your new lower-priced Kindle with a capacity of 3500 books, be sure to sign up for our daily blog so you won't miss one issue of the web's most entertaining and insightful comments on the day's events... or a single serialized installment of THE LAUGH MAKERS. Order your Kindle today!
WakiLeaks: History Declassified 2000 (Vol. One) is now available on Kindle for $2.99
Compiled from Bob's newsletter "Funnyside Up" published in 2000. This is a yuck and chuckle-filled stroll down memory lane to a time before the Bush administration had inflicted its damage -- a time before the search for WMDs and Osama bin Laden. See what we were laughing at back then, who was in the news and who had yet to enter rehab -- which NFL stars had yet to do time in the Gray Bar Hotel.
http://www.amazon.com/dp/B004IZLXIQ