[] The University of Dallas has withdrawn its bid to host the George W. Bush Presidential Library. (USA Today 1/23)
They've decided to build the J.R. Ewing Library instead. More books.
_______________________________________
[] Pete Sampras, away from the courts for five years, will play in a senior tournament. (USA Today 1/30)
The "AARP-Centrum Silver-Metamucil-Cialas-Flomax-Salonpas Open" in Sun City.
_______________________________________
[] CBS canceled "Armed & Famous" after only four episodes. (Cable News Network 1/30)
Seems the famous couldn't avoid arresting suspects who were also famous. The non-famous had simply had enough.
_______________________________________
[] Sarah Lee sacks 1700 employees. (ABC News 1/29)
Even the company's namesake was pinkslipped. Their new slogan: "Nobody Doesn't Like Sarah Ferguson, Duchess of York."
_______________________________________
[] A tone-deaf Hillary Clinton was caught on an open microphone mangling the National Anthem during a visit to Iowa. (NBC News 1/29)
On a brighter note, she's been invited to perform at the San Diego Padres season opener.
_______________________________________
"Those who enter the country illegally violate the law."
George W. Bush 11/20/05 Tucson, Arizona
_______________________________________
[] Democratic congress vows to make global warming a top priority. (USA Today 1/30)
There's already a bill in the works to place Al Gore on the Endangered Species List.
_______________________________________
[] The captain of the nuclear submarine USS Newport News was relieved of duty after running his ship into a Japanese tanker. (USA Today 1/30)
Which fast tracked him onto Bush's short list for Navy Secretary.
_______________________________________
[] New Yorkers are suffering an invasion of bed bugs. (USA Today 1/27)
Mayor Bloomberg is this close to declaring a quarantine on Paris Hilton.
_______________________________________
[] The Beijing government has released a list of newly recognized job descriptions including "sports agent," "video mixer" and "pet doctor." (USA Today 1/29)
Formerly called "chef."
_______________________________________
[] Fishermen off the coast of Tokyo netted a rare, prehistoric shark, that lives at 2000 feet. (USA Today 1/24)
Known as a "living fossil," it has eel-like skin, rows of sharp teeth... oops, sorry, that's Donald Trump.
_______________________________________
[] Silverjet Airlines offers beds, gourmet meals and vintage wines on daily round trip business class between London and Newark. (USA Today 1/25)
So far, their biggest problem is coaxing passengers to get off the plane in Newark.
_______________________________________
[] Bush's approval rating at 28%, matching Nixon's a week before he resigned. (USA Today 1/28)
Just to be on the safe side, he's ordered Cheney's doctors to set his pacemaker on "pardon."
_______________________________________
[] Martha Stewart is helping boyfriend Charles Simonyi prepare for his journey to the Space Station in April. (USA Today 1/23)
He'll spend the mission in a French Provincial, Louis XIV captain's chair on an early American, Queen Anne inspired flight deck.
_______________________________________
[] Illinois Senator Dick Durbin to Anderson Cooper on CNN: "Cheney is delusional." (Cable News Network 1/25)
Just because he imagined the WMD's... a welcome as "liberators"... an insurgency in its "death throes"... "enormous successes" in Iraq? How about psychopathic?
_______________________________________
[] The average price of a seat at the Super Bowl is $5,115. (Associated Press 1/27)
Another $1500 if you want a back on it.
_______________________________________
[] Prince Charles and wife Camilla visit City of Brotherly Love. (USA Today 1/29)
Where the Prince participated in talks on urban renewal, global health care and human rights violations on "American Idol."
_______________________________________
[] Combination birth control-acne pill approved by FDA. (USA Today 1/30)
No kids, no zits.
_______________________________________
"Not over my dead body will they raise your taxes."
George W. Bush 1/5/02 Ontario, CA
_______________________________________
Friday, January 26, 2007: Tee For Two
[] An Australian passenger was removed from a Quantas flight for wearing a T-shirt with a photo of Bush that said "World's No. 1 Terrorist." (Associated Press 1/24)
The back had a picture of Cheney and the inscription: "World's Proudest Lesbian Grandpa."
_______________________________________
[] Isiah Washington enters rehab. (Associated Press 1/24)
Which could put him in the same graduating class as Lindsay Lohan, Mark Foley and Michael Richards.
_______________________________________
[] Attorney General Gonzales says the Constitution doesn't guarantee every citizen the right of habeas corpus. (S.F. Chronicle 1/24)
Citing as legal authority the works of Heinrich Himmler.
_______________________________________
[] Michigan court rules that the crime of adultery could draw life imprisonment. (Los Angeles Times 1/20)
Death by stoning if Gonzales has anything to say about it.
_______________________________________
[] On the third deadliest day in Iraq, insurgents infiltrated a green zone near Kabala wearing US Army uniforms. (Washington Post 1/22)
But, Bush was quick to boast, they were members of "the best-equipped, most highly motivated fake US Army in the world."
_______________________________________
[] Kerry: "I won't enter the 2008 presidential race." (Cable News Network 1/24)
But being Kerry, he could reverse course at any moment.
_______________________________________
"I like the idea of people running for office. There's a positive effect when you run for office. Maybe some will run for office and say, vote for me, I look forward to blowing up America. I don't know if that will be their platform or not. But it's... I don't think so. I think people who generally run for office say, vote for me, I'm looking forward to fixing your potholes or making sure you have bread on the table."
George W. Bush 3/16/05 Washington, D.C.
_______________________________________
[] A 1966, 800-horsepower Shelby Cobra sold at auction for a record $5.5 million. (Associated Press 1/22)
Pricy until you realize it included an extended warrenty.
_______________________________________
[] Oakland Raiders hire Lane Kiffin, at 31 the youngest coach in modern NFL history. (S.F. Chronicle 1/24)
He can't even get in to watch the game films unless accompanied by a parent or adult guardian.
_______________________________________
[] Bush's State if the Union Address drew more viewers than "American Idol." (ABC News 1/24)
Everybody was happy. Either way, they got an amateur.
_______________________________________
[] Study at the Oregon Health and Science University shows that 8% of sheep are gay. (New York Times 1/25)
And 73% of those prefer farmers.
_______________________________________
"It's very interesting when you think about it, the slaves who left here to go to America, because of their steadfast and their religion and their belief in freedom, helped change America."
George W. Bush 7/8/03 Dakar, Senegal
_______________________________________
Sunday, January 21, 2007: Here She Comes...
[] The Miss America Pageant is being revamped to make it more "relevant." (Associated Press 1/20)
Any contestant expressing a desire to "eradicate world hunger" will receive a free African orphan and a Lifetime Gold Pass at Denny's.
_______________________________________
[] The Motion Picture Association of America is revising its film rating system.(Associated Press 1/19)
And adding several new classifications:
1) PDC Must Be Accompanied by Parent or Parent's Divorce Lawyer
2) NFG Some Frontal Nudity Accompanied By Giggling
3) SPSN Stars Pauley Shore... 'Nuf Said
4) NARS Not Another "Rocky" Sequel
5) WGPC Who Greenlighted This Piece of Crap?
_______________________________________
[] A woman emerged after 19 years alone in the Cambodian jungle burbling, grunting and walking bent over. (Associated Press 1/20)
Oh, sorry... that was Rosie O'Donnell showing up for work on "The View."
_______________________________________
[] Bush to Scott Pelley on "60 Minutes": "You know, saying 'Bring 'em on' was a mistake." (USA Today 1/19)
But not as disastrous as saying "I will" at his swearing-in.
_______________________________________
[] Los Angeles will bid on the 2016 Summer Olympics. (Associated Press 1/20)
Offering a new event: the 1600 Meter American Idol Audition Medley Relay.
_______________________________________
"Saddam would still be in power if Kerry were president of the United States and the world would be a lot better off."
George W. Bush at the presidential debate on 10/8/04
_______________________________________
[] Julie Winnifred Bertrand, the world's second-oldest woman, died in Montreal at age 115. (Associated Press 1/20)
As a teen, she baby sat Dick Clark.
_______________________________________
[] Former Ohio Republican Congressman Bob Ney draws 2 1/2 years for his role in the Abramhoff scandal. (New York Times 1/20)
He's undergoing orientation at the Mark Foley Reception Center in the Dan Rostenkowski Unit of the Duke Cunningham Crooked Hack Politician Correctional Facility.
_______________________________________
[] The House has revamped the student intern program to protect the pages from sex abuse by members of Congress. (USA Today 1/20)
Lawmakers admit that their mistake in the past was relying on advice from Catholic Church leaders.
_______________________________________
[] Pope Benedict XVI will travel to Brazil to attend May's Conference of Latin American Bishops. (Associated Press 1/20)
During which time, he's expected to canonize George Lopez, Cameron Diaz, Penelope Cruz, Antonio Banderes, Jennifer Lopez and name Ricardo Montalban a cardinal.
_______________________________________
[] Forbes Magazine crowns Oprah Winfrey the "Richest Woman in Entertainment." (Associated Press 1/20)
Amid ugly rumors that she gifted the judges with free cars.
_______________________________________
[] Soon New York cabs will be equipped with video screens displaying product ads. (Associated Press 1/20)
Some imbedded in the driver's turban.
_______________________________________
[] A House investigation found that 24 cruise passengers went missing between 2003 and 2005. (Los Angeles Times 1/20)
And that's not even counting the ones who fell into the Midnight Buffet and disappeared.
_______________________________________
"It's my honor to speak to you as the leader of your country. And the great thing about America is you don't have to listen unless you want to."
George W. Bush at Ellis Island, New York on 7/15/01
_______________________________________
[] Sunnis outraged as Iraq botches the hanging of Saddam's half-brother by snapping off his head in the process. (USA Today 1/16)
Time for another peek at that "Texas Execution Handbook" Bush gave them for Christmas.
_______________________________________
[] For the first time since it began, a majority of Americans believe the US will lose the war in Iraq. (USA Today 1/16)
There's a silver lining, though. By the same margin, most believe that The Donald will sign a peace treaty with Rosie.
_______________________________________
"I strongly believe we're doing the right thing. If I didn't believe it, I'd pull the troops out, nor if I believed we could win, I'd pull the troops out."
George W.Bush on 4/6/06 in Charlotte, N.C.
"I think the tide is turning... see, as I remember... I was raised in the desert, but the tides kind of... it's easy to see a tide turn... Did I say those words?"
George W. Bush on 6/14/06 in Washington, D.C.
_______________________________________
"Nixon was Camelot to political satirists."
Art Buchwald -- 1925-2007
_______________________________________
[] AARP recalls child safety seat data after FDA challenges their testing procedures. (USA Today 1/18)
Seems they failed to use real children.
_______________________________________
[] Tobacco companies deny charges that they knowingly increased nicotine levels.(ABC News 1/18)
One slimeball executive at Philip Morris even asked, "What's nicotine?"
_______________________________________
[] Harley-Davidson posts a 4% rise in sales. (ABC News 1/18)
Spurring identical increases in beer sales, missing teeth and tattoos.
_______________________________________
[] Renamed LA/Ontario and LA/Palmdale airports expect to alleviate the crowding at LAX. (USA Today 1/16)
Still awaiting approval... LA/Anaheim/Azuza and Cu----camonga International.
_______________________________________
[] CIA to be made more flexible, remove barrier between spys and data analysts. (USA Today 1/16)
From now on, BOTH will be allowed to wear Ray-Bans and Burberry raincoats.
_______________________________________
[] Muslim teachers in Bavaria aren't allowed to wear head scarves while Catholic nuns' habits are okay. (USA Today 1/16)
The nuns have an advantage. The state bird of Bavaria is the penguin.
_______________________________________
[] Manhattan's New York Downtown Hospital is set to perform the world's first uterus transplant. (USA Today 1/16)
Christian Fundamentalists are strongly opposed, claiming embryos have a "right to life housing." (USA Today 1/16)
_______________________________________
[] Donald Trump gets a star on Hollywood Boulevard. (USA Today 1/16)
His hair is already in the cement at Graumann's Chinese.
___________________________________
[] Phil Michelson is reworking his form preparing for the Bob Hope Desert Classic. (USA Today 1/17)
Phil now breaks his wrists earlier on the downswing and chokes later in the tournament.
_______________________________________
[] Lt. General Dan Halutz, responsible for Israel's botched invasion of Palestine, has resigned. (USA Today 1/17)
Won't be out of work long, though. He'll join the war-planning firm of Don Rumsfeld & Associates.
_______________________________________
[] The Navy will name a new carrier after Gerald Ford. (USA Today 1/17)
Equipped with a stumble-proof gangplank.
_______________________________________
[] Bucking a long-time trend, TV dramas will feature more Christian conservative characters. (USA Today 1/17)
Most will be killed off early by the more intelligent left-leaning characters, but it's a start.
_______________________________________
[] Rumors persist that David Beckham joined the LA Galaxy to pursue a career in Hollywood. (USA Today 1/17)
Reports vehemently denied by his wife, Posh Oregano.
_______________________________________
[] The first regular-season NFL game will be played in England. (USA Today 1/17)
With a few changes to accomodate British sensibilities:
1) Coin toss replaced by the "Euro Flip"
2) Rupert Everett will act as an enterpreter for John Madden
3) No changing of guards without presence of a Beefeater
4) Line judges will wear robes and wigs
5) Tailgate parties limited to strawberries and cream
_______________________________________
[] Seven federal prosecutors were sacked by the Attorney General Gonzales with no explanation. (MSNBC 1/17)
Wouldn't you think Harriet Meirs could find a new job on her own?
_______________________________________
[] Lindsay Lohan has entered rehab. (USA Today 1/18)
She's been assigned a bed in the Britney Spears Unit in the Mel Gibson Wing of the Paris Hilton Hilton.
_______________________________________
[]The body of James Brown is being kept in a "chilled room" until a site for his mausoleum is chosen. (USA Today 1/17)
Actually, James is bunking with Ted Williams and Walt Disney.
_______________________________________
[] Age-O-Matic.com allows users to age photos of themselves up to fifty years. (USA Today 1/18)
Watching American Idol will do the same thing.
_______________________________________
[] The NHL has unveiled safer, more durable uniforms to be adopted by all teams. (USA Today 1/18)
The old ones had inadequate armor which had to be upgraded by the players' families and friends.
_______________________________________
"My pro-life position is I believe there's life. It's not necessarily based in religion. I think there's a life there, therefore the notion of life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness." (George W.Bush on 1/23/01 to the San Francisco Chronicle)
"I'm also mindful that man should never try to put words in God's mouth. I mean, we should never ascribe natural disasters or anything else to God. We are in no way, shape or form should a human being play God." (George W. Bush on 1/4/05 to "20-20")
_______________________________________
[] Bush promises to veto a House bill that would require the federal government to negotiate with drug companies to lower Medicare prices. (USA Today 1/12)
But most think he'll come around when Pfizer cuts off his free Viagra.
_______________________________________
[] Bush to "60 Minutes": "I'm the educator-in-chief." (Los Angeles Times 1/15)
Whose duties, we hope to God, won't conflict with those of his job as "the decider."
_______________________________________
[] A digitally-created Orville Redenbacher will appear in a commercial during half time at the Super Bowl. (USA Today 1/12)
If the public buys Orville, the Pentagon plans to kill a digital version of Osama Bin Laden, tell Bush they got him, and bring home the troops.
_______________________________________
[] David Beckham has signed with the Los Angeles Galaxy for $250 million. (USA Today 1/12)
And seems to be generating more interest in soccer than Mia Hamm's sports bra.
_______________________________________
[] MSC's new cruise liner "Orchestra" will cater primarily to passengers from Italy, France and Germany. (USA Today 1/12)
When the ship crosses the equator, they'll reenact World War II.
_______________________________________
[] About 40% of cats in the US are obese. (Associated Press 1/12)
What do they expect when their only exercise is shredding the occasional couch?
_______________________________________
[] A National Intelligence Agency report warns that the Hesbollah is gaining on Al Qaeda as a national threat. (USA Today 1/12)
Both, however, still trail Christian Fundamentalism by a wide margin.
_______________________________________
[] Air Force staff sergeant Michelle Manhart faces a court martial for appearing nude in Playboy Magazine. (USA Today 1/12)
Remove your clothes in today's military and they'd better be blood-soaked.
_______________________________________
[] Customs and Immigration officers have doubled their seizures of counterfeit designer goods coming in from abroad. (USA Today 1/12)
Thanks in large part to their synchronized, super-accurate Tag-Heuer knock-offs from Beijing.
_______________________________________
[] The Democrats have chosen Denver as the site of their 2008 presidential nominating convention. (USA Today 1/12)
Preparations are already underway to secure an adequate supply of hotel rooms, rental cars and hookers.
_______________________________________
[] The Los Angeles Dodgers will offer all-you-can-eat bleacher tickets for $30. (Associated Press 1/14)
Which has to be the biggest culinery news from the ballpark since Tommy Lasorda installed that salad bar in the bull pen. _______________________________________
[] Pepsi will unveil 35 new container designs to appeal to the youth market. (USA Today 1/15)
Including printed directions for the short attention spanners like "Open This End."
_______________________________________
[] Gerald Ford ranked Clinton "an average president, overall... " (Associated Press 1/13)
And if there was ever an expert on "average"...
_______________________________________
"As you know, we don't have relationships with Iran. I mean... that's ever since the late 70's, we have no contacts with them, and we've totally sanctioned them... You can't... we're out of sanctions."
George W. Bush on 8/9/04 Annandale, Va.
_______________________________________
[] The FAA may raise the commercial pilots retirement age to 65. (USA Today 1/10)
But the aging jet jockies will be restricted to "early bird" flights, cleared to land only at "easy" airports and be allowed "first-in-line" use of the restroom closest to the cockpit.
_______________________________________
[] Chicago's "Loopa-topia," an all night celebration of the city's urban renewal, will take place in May. (USA Today 1/15)
But don't confuse it with "Driveby-topia" which honors their skyrocketing firearm death toll.
_______________________________________
[] California has chosen a name for its earthquake awareness program: "Shift Happens: Secure Your Own Space." (USA Today 1/10)
It barely edged out "Being Buried Alive is a Bummer: Run Like Hell!"
_______________________________________
[] Kobe Bryant's jersey is back in the top spot as the NBA fans' favorite. (USA Today 1/11)
It's almost as popular as Mrs. Bryant's t-shirt that says "All I Got Was This Lousy Diamond Ring."
_______________________________________
[] Dracula's Transylvania castle is up for sale. (USA Today 1/11)
It may be acquired by the IRS and converted into a training facility.
_______________________________________
"Families is where our nation finds hope, where wings take dream."
George W. Bush on 10/18/00 in LaCrosse, Wisconsin
_______________________________________
C I N E M A - V E R I T I E S
"Little Miss Sunshine"
Semi-biographical documentary that examines, through interviews, clips and court reenactments, the life and career of Katie Couric.
"Blood Diamond"
Psychological thriller in which the camera tracks a down and out Triple A reliever bent on satisfying a delusional obsession to knock off the entire Cleveland bull pen one hurler at a time.
"The Queen"
This Robert Altmanesque look at a day in the life of Mr. Blackwell fondly recalls the halcyon days of "The Hollywood Squares" with rare clips of Waylon Flowers & Madam sparring comedically with Paul Lynde.
"The Good Shepherd"
This sequel to "Brokeback Mountain" features a Turkistanian sheepherder who, after being discovered having an affair with a member of his flock, must struggle to avoid being replaced by a "good shepherd" who is able to keep his tunic zippered while on duty.
"Babel"
A backstage parody of "The View" with Oscar-worthy performances by Meryl Streep as Barbara Walters and Sasha Baron Cohen as Rosie O'Donnell.
_______________________________________
Monday, January 8, 2007: Regrets Only...
[] Army apologizes for sending letters asking wounded and dead soldiers to reenlist. (Associated Press 1/6)
How would you like to be needlessly sacrificed at the altar of that incompetent nitwit twice?
_______________________________________
[] Rehnquist was addicted to the now-banned sedative Placidil and often hallucinated, newly released medical records show. (ABC News 1/6)
Which solves the mystery of why his colleagues often referred to him as "Rush."
_______________________________________
[] Bush replaces Casey and Abazaid with officers more sympathetic to his "surge" plan. (Cable News Network 1/5)
Family insiders admit that even Laura rejected his "surge" plan when he attempted one during his honeymoon.
_______________________________________
[] "The enemy is reacting the way we expected them to and that will ultimately lead us to triumph," said Lt. Col. Andrew Pappas in Fontimiya, Iraq. (Los Angeles Times 1/6)
Andy commands the storied 101st Wishful Thinking Reconnaissance Battalion, 37th In Your Dreams Brigade, 13th Land of Oz Regiment, Pie in the Sky Company.
_______________________________________
"But Iraq has... have got people there that are willing to kill, and they're hard-nosed killers. And we will work with the Iraqis to secure their future."
George W. Bush on 4/28/05 in Washington D.C.
_______________________________________
[] A Polish Catholic archbishop resigned after being exposed as having worked undercover for the Communist regime. (USA Today 1/8)
In defense of His Eminence, he only fingered pinko Lutherans.
_______________________________________
[] A new website (elpasotimes.com) allows users to report illegal immigrants crossing the US-Mexican border. (USA Today 1/8)
It was modeled after surveillance cameras in the parking lot of Home Depot.
_______________________________________
[] Prince William reports for duty with the Blues & Royals Regiment of the Household Cavalry stationed at Cambermere Barracks. (USA Today 1/8)
He'll be working as chum for the 67th Paparazzi Search & Destroy Regiment.
_______________________________________
[] HBO boxing commentator Jim Lampley was charged with felony domestic violence following an altercation with his girlfriend, former Miss California, Candice Sanders. (Los Angeles Times 1/6)
According to eye witnesses, when the fight was stopped ,Candi was ahead on points.
_______________________________________
"The Legislature's job is to write law. It's the Executive Branch's job to interpret law."
George W. Bush on 11/22/00 in Austin, TX
_______________________________________
Friday, January 5, 2007: Pearl Harbor and Heroshima Notwithstanding
"For a century and a half now, America and Japan have formed one of the great and enduring alliances of modern times."
George W. Bush during a visit to Tokyo in February, 2002
_______________________________________
[] George Bush Senior underwent hip replacement surgery at the Mayo Clinic. (USA Today 1/5)
The one weakened from all those years of being joined to Saudi sheiks.
_______________________________________
[] Harriet Miers, Bush's rejected Supreme Court choice, has resigned her post as White House Counsel. (USA Today 1/5)
She'll take a position in the Washington law firm of "Hacks, Duds & Losers" that specializes in representing unsuccessful Oscar nominees.
_______________________________________
[] Still mending after braking his leg skiing, Arnold Schwarzenegger will be sworn in on crutches. (USA Today 1/5)
Last night, he rolled over in bed and thought he felt a bone sticking out, but it was just Maria.
_______________________________________
[] The Catholic Diocese of Spokane, WA has agreed to pay $48 million to victims of priest sex abuse. (USA Today 1/5)
Which explains why the baby Jesus in their nativity scene this year was lying in a bed of shredded subpoenas.
_______________________________________
[] Forty-five cowboys are scheduled to compete in the Professional Bull Riders season opener in Madison Square Garden. (USA Today 1/5)
The theme this year is "Remembering Brokeback Mountain."
_______________________________________
[] Suicide among members of the California Hiway Patrol is five times the national average. (USA Today 1/5)
Due, experts believe, to their inability to meet the standards set by Eric Estrada.
_______________________________________
[] The FTC is threatening to fine weight loss firms for making clinically unproven claims. (Associated Press 1/5)
Like saying that people can lose weight taking pills or that Kirsty Alley can act.
_______________________________________
[] Spirit Airlines is offering round trip tickets for as low as 5 cents each way. (USA Today 1/5)
Some restrictions apply... like you have to provide your own aluminum lawn chair to sit on.
_______________________________________
[] Consumer Reports found that most infant car seats performed "disastrously" in crash tests. Only the "Flex-Loc" from Baby Trends and Graco's "SnugRide" passed. (USA Today 1/5)
The worst performer was the "Are We There Yet?" tiedown from Scampering Rugrats.
_______________________________________
[] Lindsay Lohan entered a Los Angeles hospital for an appendectomy. (Associated Press 1/5)
She demanded that her operating room be supplied with a deli platter, fresh fruit and a case of Evian.
_______________________________________
[] Celine Dione will close her four-year run at Caesar's Palace on December 15. (Associated Press 1/5)
She'll take some time off before starting work on her new album "Why the Long Face?"
_______________________________________
[] Neighbors of Charlton Heston have sued him for allowing a mud slide to damage their Mulholland Drive homes below his. (Associated Press 1/5)
Worse, they say, he kept trying to part it.
_______________________________________
[] A honeymooning bride has accepted a $1 million offer from Royal Caribbean for losing her husband during a cruise. (Associated Press 1/5)
Better still, they've agreed to waive his outstanding gratuity charges.
_______________________________________
"In my judgment, when the United States says there will be serious consequences, and if there isn't serious consequences, it creates adverse consequences."
George W. Bush on "Meet the Press" 2/8/04
_______________________________________
Thursday, January 4, 2007: Abu Dabba Honeymoon
[] US military officials: "We would have handled the execution differently." (ABC News 1/3)
Yeah, their version would have included a waterboard... genital jumper cables... sheets with eye holes... a nude pyramid... a ravenous German Shepard... a hillbilly woman dressed as a soldier...
_______________________________________
[] Home Depot CEO Robert Nardelli is ousted after stock plummets. (ABC News 1/3)
Along with having to accept a $60 million severance buyout, they stripped Bob of his orange apron.
_______________________________________
[] Coca-Cola's new "Enviga" claims to cut calories with green tea. (ABC News 1/31)
So effectively, say company execs, the can gets thinner as you drink it.
_______________________________________
[] Barbara defends O'Donnell: "Rosie has brought a new vitality to 'The View'." (Cable News Network 1/3)
Not as much as Danny DeVito, but a lot.
_______________________________________
[] Negroponte to step down as security chief, accepts post as Undersecretary of State. (Cable News Network 1/3)
At last... a guy willing to spend some time under Condi.
_______________________________________
[] Steven Spielberg, Harrison Ford and George Lucas have signed on to David Koepp's script for a fourth "Indiana Jones" movie. (Los Angeles Times 1/3)
His plot in a nutshell: Indiana, now 64 and arthritic, is working as a curator at the Hollywood Wax Museum. One day, while performing routine maintenance on Jennifer Lopez, he discovers an uncut diamond imbedded in her left buttock. Recognizing it immediately as the very stone that he had hidden in a rye bread during the Blitz when the Nazis threatened to expose his inordinate interest in Scientology, he sets off on a quest to return the gem to its rightful owner, Pope Valvoline VI, defrocked for tax irregularities and now a part time organ grinder at Euro-Disney dressed in the colorful papal garb that he was allowed to keep but failed to declare. Indie manages to locate the aging ex-pontiff but not before being castrated by Sean Connery during a seance arranged by the Duke of Marlboro. That's pretty much it, but the producers express high expectations that the extensive special effects will save both the film and Harrison Ford's career.
________________________________________
Tuesday, January 2, 2007: Loose Noose Nooze
[] Smuggled cell phone video shows Saddam's final moments. (USA Today 1/2)
Taken by a spy from Gentlemens Quarterly who reported the executee wore black gaberdine slacks and tasseled patent leather loafers from After Six and a summer weight polo shirt from Izod set off by a custom designed eight-spiral noose from "Omar's Hemp World" in Baghdad.
_______________________________________
[] The FBI reports that interrogators at Guantanamo dress as Catholic priests and perform mock baptisms on Muslim detainees. (USA Today 1/3)
Worse, they force them to play Bingo while facing Mecca.
_______________________________________
[] Pat Robertson claims that God told him there will be "mass killings" by terrorists in late 2007. (USA Today 1/3)
Preventable only if everyone sends him $5000 in unmarked bills.
_______________________________________
[] The US-Mexico border fence will cost ten times the original estimate. (USA Today 12/30)
Seems the GOP overlooked the cost of retraining all those Mexican stoop laborers.
_______________________________________
[] Wisconsin is one of only two states that ban the carrying of a concealed weapon. (USA Today 1/3)
In Green Bay, they aren't even allowed to carry a concealed cheese.
_______________________________________
"That's a chapter... the last chapter of the 20th... 20th... the 21st century that most of us would rather forget. The last chapter of the 20th century... this is the first chapter of the 21st century."
George W. Bush on 10/24/00 in Arlington Heights, Ill.
_______________________________________
[] The German based Smokers International Airways offers caviar, designer-clothed flight attendants and ashtrays at every seat. (USA Today 12/29)
And don't forget the complimentary chemo and radiation.
_______________________________________
[] Manchester, New Hampshire school busses will install video cameras in all their busses. (USA Today 12/29)
That's nothing. In Hollywood the school busses carry a cameraman, three gaffers and a second unit director.
_______________________________________
[] India's chess champion Umakant Sharma was banned from the game after officials discovered a Bluetooth transmitter sewn into his cap. (USA Today 12/29)
Worse, he was using corked bishops.
_______________________________________
Hey, you're in for a fun read if you haven't sampled Bob's online book entitled "HOPE WRITER: My Life Inside Bob Hope's Comedy Factory." It's chock full of backstage stories and celebrity anecdotes from the author's seventeen years "on the road" with Hope and it's audio-illustrated by Odeo.com. Now you can hear the classic songs, sketches and comedy routines that made Hope TV specials so unique. That golden era may be gone, but the memories linger on at:
www.hope-writer.blogspot.com
_______________________________________
[] Chrysler has partnered with China to produce small cars. (Associated Press 12/30)
Their first model will ba a won ton pickup.
_______________________________________
[] Rowan Williams, the Archbishop of Canterbury, blames the chaos in Iraq on US "shortsightedness and ignorance." (Associated Press 12/24)
When Bush learned of this, he reportedly told an aide "I didn't even like him on Laugh-In."
_______________________________________
"It's important for us to experience to our notion that life is important. It's not only life of babies, but it's life of children living in... you know... the dark dungeons of the internet."
George W. Bush on 10/24/00 in Arlington Heights, Ill.
_______________________________________
A Longtime Bob Hope Joke Writer Presents Daily Insightful Topical Satire Of Current Events (Illustrated) Plus Rare Photos From Hollywood's Bygone Era And Excerpts From THE LAUGH MAKERS By Robert L. Mills -- Color Photos From the Book and Rare Classic Vintage Video Clips! Send Your Show Biz Questions to "ASK BOB" at: TheLaughMakers@GMail.com
;
Peace On Earth Goodwill Toward Men
[] Four Marines have been charged with murdering Iraqi civilians, bringing to 37 the number of military murders since the war began. (USA Today 12/21)
Thirty eight if you count their unindicted co-conspirator, the commander-in-chief.
[] Bush to reporters: "I'm going to sprint to the finish." (USA Today 12/21)
And if he has any brains, keep on running until he reaches a country that will grant him asylum.
[] Rosey O'Donnell and Donald Trump exchange insults----Trump threatens to sue. (USA Today 12/21)
Acting as a peacemaker, Barbara Walters has suggested that they cosponsor a "Gay and Guys With Weird Hair" cruise.
[] Britney Spears has a small tattoo on her hand. (USA Today 12/21)
A tiny reminder that reads: "Adjust panties."
[] Billy Graham's family is feuding over the location of his crypt. (USA Today 12/21)
While Billy himself couldn't care less since he only intends to use it for three days.
[] Sean "Ditty" combs is a new father of twin girls. (USA Today 12/22)
Both of whom came into the world wearing jewelry.
[] Toyota is poised to overtake General Motors as the world's largest automaker. (Associated Press 12/23)
While Detroit has vowed to capture the long-overlooked lawnmower and leaf blower market.
[] The seventh J.K. Rawlings book is entitled "Harry Potter and the Deathly Hollows." (USA Today 12/22)
To be followed by "Harry Potter and the Mystery of Why Paris Hilton's Life is Worth Bothering With."
[] Southern Methodist, Baylor and the University of Dallas are being considered as possible sites for the $200 million George W. Bush Presidential Library. (USA Today 12/22)
Yale, his alma mater, has removed itself from consideration on the grounds that he never used theirs.
[] Occidential College in Los Angeles is offering a course called "The Phallus." (USA Today 12/21)
It's popular despite some pretty stiff prerequisites.
[] The Army raises to 4% the number of recruits accepted with the lowest aptitude test scores. (USA Today 12/21)
They went from "dumb" to "dumber" to "Jackass II."
[] The Army pays $40,000 to soldiers who agree to reinlist for duty in Iraq. (USA Today 12/21)
Which they can apply toward thicker armor on their Humvee.
[] A female Komodo dragon in Britain's Chester Zoo has become pregnant without male intervention. (USA Today 12/21)
She's been nicknamed "Mary Cheney."
[] A woman sent her month old infant through the luggage scanner at the Los Angeles airport. (USA Today 12/21)
That's the bad news. The good news is the x-ray will be covered by Medicare.
[] Einstein Bros. is offering potato bagels colored and shaped like candy canes. (USA Today 12/22)
Along with the traditional favorite, the chopped chicken liver Yule Log.
[] Bush asks Gates to come up with a plan to expand US forces in Iraq and predicts "difficult choices and additional sacrifices ahead." (USA Today 12/21)
What is it about "exit strategy" this guy doesn't understand? He certainly had no problem getting out of Vietnam.
________________________________________
[] Ted Haggard's Life Church has ousted yet another youth minister for sexual misconduct while Haggard undergoes counseling. Says the pastor of Denver's Victory Church, "Ted is like a bird with a broken wing. We're just interested in making sure the wing is healed." (USA Today 12/20)
Wing? Wasn't it Ted's pecker that got him into hot water?
[] Faced with mounting legal costs in defending its actions, the Cobb County, Georgia school board has removed stickers on science texts that said: "Evolution is a theory, not a fact." (USA Today 12/20)
And the Bible has been returned to the Science Fiction section of the library.
[] The Pentagon will spend $22 million a year to develop a computerized Google sensor that will translate spoken English into Arabic. (USA Today 12/20)
The device will be programmed to kill anyone who answers "yes" to "Are you an insurgent?"
[] Cheney will testify in the CIA leak case. (USA Today 12/20)
He'll be sworn in with his right hand on the Bible and his left hand on his pacemaker.
[] Teen golfer Michelle Wei has been accepted at Stanford in the fall. (USA Today 12/20)
She plans to try and crack the "men's only" dorm tradition.
[] Rice tells reporters "Let's stop mourning the old middle east. It was not so great and it wasn't going to survive anyway." (USA Today 12/20)
But was it worth 3000 American lives to hurry it along?
[] Asian Games officials stripped Santhi Soundarajan of her silver medal in the 800 meters after "too many chromosomes" turned up in her blood. (USA Today 12/19)
They first became suspicious when they noticed she was a little too handy with the TV remote in the womens' dorm.
[] Nicks-Nuggets hoops brawl in the Garden draws seven suspensions, $500,000 fines for each team. (USA Today 12/19)
One Nugget felt so ashamed of himself, he bought his wife a ring.
[] Voter-approved smoking ban in Vegas will cover bars serving food, video arcades, shopping malls, schools and day care centers. (USA Today 12/19)
Or within 50 feet of a hooker, a mob boss or Wayne Newton.
[] The House will soon require mandatory screening of all airport employees for weapons upon arriving at work. (USA Today 12/19)
Mechanics will be allowed to bring in one Swiss Army knife.
[] The Pentagon reports that many US-trained Iraqi security officers fail to report for duty. (USA Today 12/19)
Most opting for rock concert security jobs.
[] Iraqis average eleven hours of electricity a day. (USA Today 12/19)
In laymens terms, about the same voltage Texas needs to carry out 300 executions a month.
[] American Society of Plastic Surgeons reports a 37% increase in boob jobs over the past five years. (USA Today 12.19)
Remember when the Colonel had a virtual lock on the "Bucket O' Breasts" market?
_______________________________________
Joseph Barbara 1911- 2006
"Yabba-Dabba-Doo!"
_______________________________________
[] More than 700 cases of priest sex abuse are still pending against Roger Mahoney and the Los Angeles archdiocese. (USA Today 12/16)
"... And there came from the East three wise men bearing gold, frankincense and subpoenas... "
[] Colin Powell says the US is losing the war and the army is "just about broken." The military is not large enough to sustain a "surge." (USA Today 12/18)
But what does a 35-year Army veteran and former head of the Joint Chiefs know? Let's go with the pencil neck pinhead from Texas.
[] NBA officials are investigating a bench-clearing melee that broke out at Madison Square Garden during a New York Knicks-Denver Nuggets game. (USA Today 12/18)
Sparked, according to witnesses, when a Nugget compared Woody Allen's acting ability unfavorably to Jack Nicholson's.
[] Oprah Winfrey is pitching a new game show entitled "Your Money or Your Life." (USA Today 12/18)
Executives at ABC are thinking it over.
[] Bill O'Reilly says he went to Iraq "to zero in on the chance of a US victory there." (USA Today 12/18)
Zero is the perfect word for it.
[] Rumsfeld given a full-dress military sendoff at the Pentagon. (Associated Press 12/16)
Cheney wanted to participate in the 21-gun salute, but Rice confiscated his 12-gauge.
[] Bush's approval rating has bottomed out at 23%. (NBC News 12/14)
On a brighter note, he is holding his own against Michael Richards.
[] British investigators have found no conspiracy in the death of Princess Di. (USA Today 12/15)
In other words, the queen's alibi checked out.
[] The Pentagon has asked Bush to authorize a military command in Africa. (USA Today 12/15)
Think Halliburton has found a way to crack the diamond business?
_______________________________________
"Our 100-strong embassy in Baghdad has six who speak fluent Arabic... Fifty-five Arabic language specialists have been forced out of the military for being gay."
(New Yorker Magazine 12/18)
_______________________________________
[] No member of Congress has ever been forced out of office because of physical infirmity. (USA Today 12/13)
Unless pedophilia can be considered a physical infirmity.
[] A Pew Research study shows that 68% of Americans consider the microwave oven a necessity. (USA Today 12/13)
47% of whom don't think it works fast enough.
[] The US Statistical Abstract shows that the average American spends 1500 hours a year in front of the TV. (USA Today 12/17)
And 3712 hours searching for the remote.
______________________________________________
DO PEOPLE TELL YOU YOU'RE FUNNY? DO YOU LIKE TO MAKE OTHERS LAUGH?
Now you can learn to write comic lines and funny routines with personal step-by-step guidance from a comedy veteran. The Jokesmith will provide one-on-one online tutoring in the essentials of writing and performing for the business world. Spice up your office presentations and speeches with humor tailor-made by you and for you alone. It's no more expensive than engaging a top-of-the-line trainer or voice coach and you'll soon be the envy of your friends and colleagues, snapping off one-liners like a seasoned comic. Creating humor is fun and who knows----you may end up being the next Seinfeld.
For details, write Jokesmith@Peoplepc.com and type "lessons" in the subject line.
______________________________________________
[] The Miami Dolphins' Marcus Vick has been sued for $6.3 million for sexually abusing a 15 year old girl two years ago. (USA Today 12/15)
While a quarterback at Jerry Lee Lewis University in Tallahassee.
[] The US Mint will unveil new solid gold coins honoring presidential spouses. (USA Today 12/15)
In a related story, Annhauser-Busch will soon issue a series of bottle caps honoring presidential daughters.
[] Prince William has been commissioned an officer in the British Army. (Associated Press 12/16)
He's already phoned Bush for tips on ducking service in Iraq.
_______________________________________
"That Bush's war in Iraq is an unmitigated catastrophe has been known for some time. What the Iraq Study Group has done is made it official."
Hendrick Hertzberg (New Yorker Magazine 12/18)
_______________________________________
[] Bush is considering adding a "surge" of 30,000 troops to Iraq. (New York Times 12/16)
To his crack military strategists, it's intuitive. When something isn't working, do more of it.
[] Florida governor suspends executions after an autopsy showed a botched lethal injection tortured the victim for 30 minutes. (Associated Press 12/16)
Katherine Harris has demanded a re-autopsy.
[] A notorious Somolian big game poacher, known to have slaughtered 17 elephants and 9 rhinos in Kenya over the past five years, has been killed in a shootout with game wardens. (Associated Press 12/16)
His teeth were extracted and turned into tiny piano keys.
[] A Beverly Hills dermatology clinic has begun offering "Gummy Bear" silicone breast implants. (Los Angeles Daily News 12/17)
Their June Groom Special includes a "Tootsie Roll" penile enhancement.
______________________________________
Bereft on the Left will be back in a moment, but first, this important message...
You're in for a fun read if you haven't sampled Bob's online book entitled "HOPE WRITER: My Life Inside Bob Hope's Comedy Factory." It's chock full of backstage stories and celebrity anecdotes from the author's seventeen years "on the road" with Hope and it's audio-illustrated by Odeo.com. Now you can hear the classic songs, sketches and comedy routines that made Hope TV specials so unique. That golden era may be gone, but the memories linger on at:
www.hope-writer.blogspot.com
_______________________________________
[] A proposed Texas law would allow the blind to hunt live game using lasers, long banned because they cause wildlife to freeze in fear. (USA Today 12/12)
Dick Cheney is exploring the possibility of being declared legally blind before the dove season opens.
[] J. Michael Hannigan, attorney for Cardinal Roger Mahoney, claims "there's not a chance that my client conspired to shield child molester priests from prosecution." (USA Today 12/12)
Mike is a senior partner at Scumbag, Douchebag & Slime.
[] The NBA has rejected the new composite ball after players complained. More uniform than the old ball, it spread perspiration evenly for more rapid evaporation. (USA Today 12/12)
Unfortunately, it also caused a chemical reaction with skin that obliterated
their tattoos.
[] Nicole Richie was arrested by the CHP after driving the wrong way up a Burbank on ramp. (USA Today 12/12)
She faces a charge of driving under the influence of Paris Hilton.
[] US troops in Iraq use Silly String sent to them from their families at home to help find hidden trip wires attached to bombs. (USA Today 12/12)
But it's the most advanced, technically superior Silly String in the world.
[] USA Today/Gallup poll shows that the majority of Americans believe Bush will be viewed by history as "poor" or "below average," well below the rankings of his five predecessors. (USA Today 12/13)
He even loses to the West Wing's Martin Sheen.
[] The Pentagon will soon begin using honeybees to sniff out explosives. (USA Today 12/11)
Owned and trained by Halliburton.
______________________________________________
DO PEOPLE TELL YOU YOU'RE FUNNY? DO YOU LIKE TO MAKE OTHERS LAUGH?
Now you can learn to write comic lines and funny routines with personal step-by-step guidance from a comedy veteran. The Jokesmith provides one-on-one online tutoring in the essentials of writing and performing for the business world. Spice up your office presentations and speeches with humor that's tailor-made by you and for you alone. It's no more expensive than taking golf lessons and you'll soon be the envy of your friends and colleagues, snapping off one-liners like a seasoned comic. Creating humor is fun and, who knows----you may end up being the next Seinfeld.
For details, write Jokesmith@Peoplepc.com and type "lessons" in the subject line.
______________________________________________
[] "Apocalypto" displaced "Happy Feet" with $14.2 million in opening weekend grosses. (NPR Radio 12/11)
Watch for copycat projects to spring up with no established stars speaking an unknown language and directed by an alcoholic antisemite.
[] All states except New Mexico allow death by lethal injection; Nevada and eight other states offer electrocution; three states allow hanging, three firing squad. (USA Today 12/11)
Federal death row inmates have their choice of hanging, facing a firing squad or accepting a tour of duty in Iraq.
[] Rumsfeld attended an hour-long farewell at the Pentagon. (New York Times 12/11)
Following which he crawled into his flag-draped coffin, a parting gift from John Mertha.
[] Bush will delay unveiling any new plans for Iraq until early next year. (New York Times 12/13)
Maybe Santa will bring him an exit strategy.
[] Pamela Anderson and Kid Rock have split up after only four months of marriage. (Associated Press 12/10)
Seems the Kid had some body parts pierced that he failed to tell Pam about.
[] A Justice Department study shows that 70% of California prison inmates return to prison after release. (USA Today 12/11)
Especially in Southern California where it's cheaper than renting or buying.
[] According to the American Society of Plastic Surgeons, cosmetic procedures for men rose 38% last year. (USA Today 11/12)
Most popular: the beer gut tuck.
[] Evergreen trees, mistletoe, holly, Yule logs, candles and elves were popular pagan symbols in pre-Christian Europe. (USA Today 12/11)
The original Santa Clause was a vestal virgin with a water retention problem.
[] The UN's Kofi Annan blasted Bush during his farewell speech to the General Assembly. (ABC News 12/10)
It would have been even more insulting if Bush knew who he was.
[] Dick Cheney's lesbian daughter has announced that she's expecting a baby. (USA Today 11/7)
The identity of the father won't be known until Dick shoots him.
[] Taco Bell removed green onions from 5800 restaurants after E. Coli sickened 58 people. (USA Today 12/7)
Never at a loss to capitalize on free publicity, the chain immediately unveiled its new "Bean & Cheese Siesta Buster Bacterito."
[] New York will become the first state to outlaw artery-clogging trans fats in all its restaurants. (USA Today 12/6)
"New Yorkers lead the world in health-conscious dining," said Pierre Souffle, maitre d' at Manhattan's trendy "Good Cholesterol Grill."
[] No frills EasyCruiseOne offers budget-conscious vacationers cabins starting at $17 a day on Caribbean sailings. (USA Today 12/8)
Amenities include a $4.99 almost midnight buffet, dinner at the bell captain's table and coin-operated life jacket dispensers.
__________________________________
[] Florida's Seminole Indian tribe will purchase the Hard Rock Cafe for $965 million. (USA Today 12/8)
Renamed the "Hiding Behind the Hard Rock Cafe."
[] George Steinbrenner has offered Dwight Gooden a job in the Yankee organization if Dwight can stay clean and sober until February. (USA Today 12/8)
As a locker room sniffer coach.
[] The nectar bat has a tongue 1 1/2 times longer than its body. (USA Today 12/7)
Rivaled only by that of Barbara Walters and Nancy Grace.
[] Critics are calling Mel Gibson's "Apocalypto" even more gruesome than "Braveheart." (USA Today 12/7)
Not quite as gruesome as his DUI mug shot, but almost.
[] TV Land editors and producers have selected "Heeeeere's Johnny!" television's most memorable catch phrase. (USA 1Today 2/7)
Barely edging out "I'm Chevy Chase and you're not."
[] The Crayola Company now offers scented Crayon markers with names like "Booger Buster," "Soda Burp" and "Alien Armpit." (USA Today 12/6)
Soon to be followed by "Sand Box Fart" and "Birthday Cake Acid Reflux."
[] Slyvester Stallone donated items from his Rocky movies to the Smithsonian's National Museum of American History. (USA Today 12/6)
Including his shoes, robe and the walker he uses in the latest sequel.
__________________________________
Dominu$ Vobi$ Cum
[] The Los Angeles archdiocese has paid 45 victims of priest sex abuse $60 million. (Associated Press 12/2)
Or, as they say in the parish, "two hundred and fifty thousand Bingo jackpots."
[] Rice tells Arab television: "I'm sure there are things we could have done differently." (Associated Press 12/2)
... Like liberate Lichtenstein instead.
[] A fast-spreading norovirus struck 338 passengers on Royal Caribbean's "Freedom of the Seas." (USA Today 12/4)
Renamed "Freedom of the Lower Digestive Tract."
[] A Consumer Reports study shows that 83% of supermarket chickens are contaminated with Campybacter or Salmonella bacteria. (USA Today 12/5)
To avoid illness, they recommend storing the birds at 45 degrees or below, cooking them at 165 degrees and passing on pullets that have recently been on a cruise.
[] Rumsfeld's leaked memo recommends that the administration "announce that whatever new approach the US decides on is on a trial basis. This will give us the ability to readjust... and therefore not 'lose'." (Associated Press 12/3)
Or, as we used to say, "surrender."
_____I_R_I_S_H____Y_I_D_D_I_S_H_I_S_M_S_____
Second best is still pretty darned good.
A man who buys a suit with two pairs of pants is just asking for trouble.
(From Bob Mills' "Handbook of Irish Yiddishisms" © 2006)
____________________________________________
[] Israel will overhaul its out-of-condition military following its botched invasion of Lebanon. (USA Today 12/4)
Which will probably mean saying sayonara to the famed 101st Lox, Bagel & Cream Cheese Nosh Battalion.
[] "Nativity Story" grossed a disappointing $8 million on its opening weekend, soundly outdistanced by three other films led by "Happy Feet.". (USA Today 12/4)
Prompting Daily Variety to headline: PENGUINS STOMP BABY JESUS.
[] Sylvester Stallone promoed his new "Rocky" sequel on Monday Night Football. (USA Today 12/4)
Entitled "Rocky KO's Arthritis."
[] Bush's meeting with Shiite leader and Iran confidant Al-Hakim is seen as part of a new administration strategy to get the US out of Iraq. (New York Times 12/2)
Which makes sense. When he decides to surrender, he'd like to have a cell phone number to call.
[] Paris Hilton withdrew from the "Billboard Music Awards" after rejecting the script that had been written for her. (USA Today 12/4)
She blamed "insufficient motivation coupled with uninspiring character development."
_______________________________________
[] Actor Rip Torn was arrested by North Salem, New York police and charged with driving while intoxicated. (MSNBC 12/4)
Allowed one telephone call after being booked, he rang up Gary Shandling.
[] Michael Richards will apoligize to the four black men he targeted after apologizing on David Lettermen, to Rev. Al Sharpton and on Rev. Jesse Jackson's radio show. (Associated Press 12/2)
Next, he'll fly to Constantinople and apologize to the Muslims on behalf of the pope.
[] (Phote Caption) President Bush chats with 8-year old Adds Bugg during a performance of Willie Wonka and the Chocolate Factory at the White House. (USA Today 12/5)
The boy was doing his best to explain the plot to him.
[] Japanese car maker Toyota has passed Ford as the nation's top seller. (Associated Press 12/2)
Hey, it could have been worse. They could have waited until December 7.
[] Lindsay Lohan is still drinking, according to her publicist, but is now attending AA meetings. (Associated Press 12/2)
That's the good news. The bad news is her sponsor is Mel Gibson.
[] Fist fights broke out among opposing legislators at the swearing in ceremony for new Mexican president Felipe Calderon. (Associated Press 12/2)
If this catches on, they may bring back ice hockey as a national sport.
[] An Arizona grandmother was arrested with 214 pounds of marijuana hidden in the trunk of her car. (Associated Press 12/2)
Capping a Thanksgiving visit with her grandson, Woody Harrelson.
____W_O_R_D_S___T_O___L_I_V_E___B_Y_____
I leave you with the immortal words of Tonto who once said to the Lone Ranger, "Mask okay, Keemosabe, but I'd lose the whip."
___________________________________________
[] Regis Philbin has released an album of Christmas standards which he sings, according to radio commentator Paul Harvey, "like the authors intended." (KABC Radio 12/1)
However, that sound you hear coming from their graves isn't applause.
[] McDonald's will provide high tech, kid friendly exercise facilities at several restaurants in Arizona. (USA Today 12/4)
Including a giant inflatable Egg McMuffin trampoline.
[] According to investigators, the Bush administration tried to limit compensation to AEC employees sickened by nuclear radiation. (USA Today 12/5)
George is suspicious of any illness he can't pronounce.
[] Acting UN Secretary John Bolton has resigned his post. (USA Today 12/5)
After being told that Michael Bolton stood a better chance of being confirmed.
[] A & E will air episodes of "The Sopranos" without the violence, nudity or the F word. (Philadelpha Inquirer 12/2)
You got a problem with that, Fuck Face?
_______________________________________
[] Capping his historic visit to Turkey, Pope Benedict XVI prayed in Istanbul's most famous mosque as a gesture of outreach to the Muslim community. (USA Today 12 /1) Following which he privately disclosed some of his church's most secret ecclesiastical mumbo jumbo as well as some of its most sacred flim flam.
[] The Iraq war study group will recommend that US forces begin to withdraw in a "graceful exit." (USA Today 12/1) One plan being considered is to ask George Clooney to shoot a movie in Baghdad and sneak the troops out imbedded with the extras.
[] A Heritage Foundation analyst advises against withdrawing all the troops because "You need a subtle but visual reminder that the Americans haven't left town." (USA Today 1/12) Like an endless pile of rubble isn't enough?
[] The nation's first Muslim congressman is refusing to be sworn in on the bible. (USA Today 1/12) Apparently he's unaware of the time-honored tradition in Congress of having the F.B.I. black out the passages you don't agree with.
[] Frist announces that he won't seek the 2008 Republican presidential nomination. (USA Today 11/30) Bill plans to return to the private sector to run a "diagnosis by TV" clinic for the brain damaged.
[] The Supreme Court has heard its first oral arguments on a case involving global warming. (NPR Radio 11/29) To help Clarence Thomas get up to speed on the topic, Chief Roberts gave him the morning off to see "Happy Feet."
[] A New York Times film critic calls "Happy Feet" "a piercingly sad story about the devistation being visited on the natural world." (USA Today 11/29) Producers now concede that it was probably a bad idea to cast Al Gore as a killer whale.
[] A new $14 million polar bear exhibit has opened at the Pittsburgh Zoo. (USA Today 11/22) Financed in large part by their Coca-Cola residuals.
[] Officials in Costa Rica captured a 50-foot long homemade submarine packed with three tons of cocaine. (USA Today 11/21) US Coast Guard records list the S.S. Courtney Love as "experimental."
[] Scientists have uncovered compelling evidence that a category three hurricane struck Plymouth Rock in 1635. (USA Today 11/21) And that FEMA arrived in 1637.
_______________________________________
Bereft on the Left will be back in a moment, but first, this important message...
You're in for a fun read if you haven't sampled Bob's FREE online book entitled "HOPE WRITER: My Life Inside Bob Hope's Comedy Factory." It's chock full of backstage stories and celebrity anecdotes from the author's seventeen years "on the road" with Hope and it's audio-illustrated by Odeo.com. Now you can hear the classic songs, sketches and comedy routines that made Hope TV specials so unique. That golden era may be gone, but the memories linger on at:
www.hope-writer.blogspot.com
_______________________________________
[] The US is the only country that does not make its currency easily recognizable by the blind. (USA Today 11/30) Maybe we sould adopt the currency of the countries we liberate. You think?
[] Atlanta Falcons quarterback Michael Vick was fined $20,000 for flipping off fans of the opposing team. (USA Today 11/30) On a more positive note, he's been named "Man of the Year" by the Association of New York Cabbies.
[] Jose Canseco is now eligible to be voted into major league baseball's Hall of Fame. (USA Today 11/30) Which is a little like okaying Michael Richards to head the N.A.A.C.P.
[] Andre Agassi and Steffi Graf couldn't get their asking price and had to sell their San Francisco mansion at a $3 million loss. (USA Today 11/30) It just wasn't their week. The ReMax balloon on their front lawn deflated, struck nearby power lines and injured three lookie-loos.
[] TSA begins testing passenger x-ray machines at several airports. (USA Today 12/1) While technicians try to defeat their only nemisis----Kryptonite.
[] According to a report in People Magazine, Britney Spears, Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan have teamed up socially. (USA Today 11/30) Friends say they plan to boy toy ride share.
[] "Nativity Story" with Keisha Castle-Hughes as Mary debuts. (USA Today 12/1) It will be followed by a TV reality-style spinoff entitled "Dancing With the Magi."
_______________________________________
Thirty eight if you count their unindicted co-conspirator, the commander-in-chief.
[] Bush to reporters: "I'm going to sprint to the finish." (USA Today 12/21)
And if he has any brains, keep on running until he reaches a country that will grant him asylum.
[] Rosey O'Donnell and Donald Trump exchange insults----Trump threatens to sue. (USA Today 12/21)
Acting as a peacemaker, Barbara Walters has suggested that they cosponsor a "Gay and Guys With Weird Hair" cruise.
[] Britney Spears has a small tattoo on her hand. (USA Today 12/21)
A tiny reminder that reads: "Adjust panties."
[] Billy Graham's family is feuding over the location of his crypt. (USA Today 12/21)
While Billy himself couldn't care less since he only intends to use it for three days.
[] Sean "Ditty" combs is a new father of twin girls. (USA Today 12/22)
Both of whom came into the world wearing jewelry.
[] Toyota is poised to overtake General Motors as the world's largest automaker. (Associated Press 12/23)
While Detroit has vowed to capture the long-overlooked lawnmower and leaf blower market.
[] The seventh J.K. Rawlings book is entitled "Harry Potter and the Deathly Hollows." (USA Today 12/22)
To be followed by "Harry Potter and the Mystery of Why Paris Hilton's Life is Worth Bothering With."
[] Southern Methodist, Baylor and the University of Dallas are being considered as possible sites for the $200 million George W. Bush Presidential Library. (USA Today 12/22)
Yale, his alma mater, has removed itself from consideration on the grounds that he never used theirs.
[] Occidential College in Los Angeles is offering a course called "The Phallus." (USA Today 12/21)
It's popular despite some pretty stiff prerequisites.
[] The Army raises to 4% the number of recruits accepted with the lowest aptitude test scores. (USA Today 12/21)
They went from "dumb" to "dumber" to "Jackass II."
[] The Army pays $40,000 to soldiers who agree to reinlist for duty in Iraq. (USA Today 12/21)
Which they can apply toward thicker armor on their Humvee.
[] A female Komodo dragon in Britain's Chester Zoo has become pregnant without male intervention. (USA Today 12/21)
She's been nicknamed "Mary Cheney."
[] A woman sent her month old infant through the luggage scanner at the Los Angeles airport. (USA Today 12/21)
That's the bad news. The good news is the x-ray will be covered by Medicare.
[] Einstein Bros. is offering potato bagels colored and shaped like candy canes. (USA Today 12/22)
Along with the traditional favorite, the chopped chicken liver Yule Log.
[] Bush asks Gates to come up with a plan to expand US forces in Iraq and predicts "difficult choices and additional sacrifices ahead." (USA Today 12/21)
What is it about "exit strategy" this guy doesn't understand? He certainly had no problem getting out of Vietnam.
________________________________________
[] Ted Haggard's Life Church has ousted yet another youth minister for sexual misconduct while Haggard undergoes counseling. Says the pastor of Denver's Victory Church, "Ted is like a bird with a broken wing. We're just interested in making sure the wing is healed." (USA Today 12/20)
Wing? Wasn't it Ted's pecker that got him into hot water?
[] Faced with mounting legal costs in defending its actions, the Cobb County, Georgia school board has removed stickers on science texts that said: "Evolution is a theory, not a fact." (USA Today 12/20)
And the Bible has been returned to the Science Fiction section of the library.
[] The Pentagon will spend $22 million a year to develop a computerized Google sensor that will translate spoken English into Arabic. (USA Today 12/20)
The device will be programmed to kill anyone who answers "yes" to "Are you an insurgent?"
[] Cheney will testify in the CIA leak case. (USA Today 12/20)
He'll be sworn in with his right hand on the Bible and his left hand on his pacemaker.
[] Teen golfer Michelle Wei has been accepted at Stanford in the fall. (USA Today 12/20)
She plans to try and crack the "men's only" dorm tradition.
[] Rice tells reporters "Let's stop mourning the old middle east. It was not so great and it wasn't going to survive anyway." (USA Today 12/20)
But was it worth 3000 American lives to hurry it along?
[] Asian Games officials stripped Santhi Soundarajan of her silver medal in the 800 meters after "too many chromosomes" turned up in her blood. (USA Today 12/19)
They first became suspicious when they noticed she was a little too handy with the TV remote in the womens' dorm.
[] Nicks-Nuggets hoops brawl in the Garden draws seven suspensions, $500,000 fines for each team. (USA Today 12/19)
One Nugget felt so ashamed of himself, he bought his wife a ring.
[] Voter-approved smoking ban in Vegas will cover bars serving food, video arcades, shopping malls, schools and day care centers. (USA Today 12/19)
Or within 50 feet of a hooker, a mob boss or Wayne Newton.
[] The House will soon require mandatory screening of all airport employees for weapons upon arriving at work. (USA Today 12/19)
Mechanics will be allowed to bring in one Swiss Army knife.
[] The Pentagon reports that many US-trained Iraqi security officers fail to report for duty. (USA Today 12/19)
Most opting for rock concert security jobs.
[] Iraqis average eleven hours of electricity a day. (USA Today 12/19)
In laymens terms, about the same voltage Texas needs to carry out 300 executions a month.
[] American Society of Plastic Surgeons reports a 37% increase in boob jobs over the past five years. (USA Today 12.19)
Remember when the Colonel had a virtual lock on the "Bucket O' Breasts" market?
_______________________________________
Joseph Barbara 1911- 2006
"Yabba-Dabba-Doo!"
_______________________________________
[] More than 700 cases of priest sex abuse are still pending against Roger Mahoney and the Los Angeles archdiocese. (USA Today 12/16)
"... And there came from the East three wise men bearing gold, frankincense and subpoenas... "
[] Colin Powell says the US is losing the war and the army is "just about broken." The military is not large enough to sustain a "surge." (USA Today 12/18)
But what does a 35-year Army veteran and former head of the Joint Chiefs know? Let's go with the pencil neck pinhead from Texas.
[] NBA officials are investigating a bench-clearing melee that broke out at Madison Square Garden during a New York Knicks-Denver Nuggets game. (USA Today 12/18)
Sparked, according to witnesses, when a Nugget compared Woody Allen's acting ability unfavorably to Jack Nicholson's.
[] Oprah Winfrey is pitching a new game show entitled "Your Money or Your Life." (USA Today 12/18)
Executives at ABC are thinking it over.
[] Bill O'Reilly says he went to Iraq "to zero in on the chance of a US victory there." (USA Today 12/18)
Zero is the perfect word for it.
[] Rumsfeld given a full-dress military sendoff at the Pentagon. (Associated Press 12/16)
Cheney wanted to participate in the 21-gun salute, but Rice confiscated his 12-gauge.
[] Bush's approval rating has bottomed out at 23%. (NBC News 12/14)
On a brighter note, he is holding his own against Michael Richards.
[] British investigators have found no conspiracy in the death of Princess Di. (USA Today 12/15)
In other words, the queen's alibi checked out.
[] The Pentagon has asked Bush to authorize a military command in Africa. (USA Today 12/15)
Think Halliburton has found a way to crack the diamond business?
_______________________________________
"Our 100-strong embassy in Baghdad has six who speak fluent Arabic... Fifty-five Arabic language specialists have been forced out of the military for being gay."
(New Yorker Magazine 12/18)
_______________________________________
[] No member of Congress has ever been forced out of office because of physical infirmity. (USA Today 12/13)
Unless pedophilia can be considered a physical infirmity.
[] A Pew Research study shows that 68% of Americans consider the microwave oven a necessity. (USA Today 12/13)
47% of whom don't think it works fast enough.
[] The US Statistical Abstract shows that the average American spends 1500 hours a year in front of the TV. (USA Today 12/17)
And 3712 hours searching for the remote.
______________________________________________
DO PEOPLE TELL YOU YOU'RE FUNNY? DO YOU LIKE TO MAKE OTHERS LAUGH?
Now you can learn to write comic lines and funny routines with personal step-by-step guidance from a comedy veteran. The Jokesmith will provide one-on-one online tutoring in the essentials of writing and performing for the business world. Spice up your office presentations and speeches with humor tailor-made by you and for you alone. It's no more expensive than engaging a top-of-the-line trainer or voice coach and you'll soon be the envy of your friends and colleagues, snapping off one-liners like a seasoned comic. Creating humor is fun and who knows----you may end up being the next Seinfeld.
For details, write Jokesmith@Peoplepc.com and type "lessons" in the subject line.
______________________________________________
[] The Miami Dolphins' Marcus Vick has been sued for $6.3 million for sexually abusing a 15 year old girl two years ago. (USA Today 12/15)
While a quarterback at Jerry Lee Lewis University in Tallahassee.
[] The US Mint will unveil new solid gold coins honoring presidential spouses. (USA Today 12/15)
In a related story, Annhauser-Busch will soon issue a series of bottle caps honoring presidential daughters.
[] Prince William has been commissioned an officer in the British Army. (Associated Press 12/16)
He's already phoned Bush for tips on ducking service in Iraq.
_______________________________________
"That Bush's war in Iraq is an unmitigated catastrophe has been known for some time. What the Iraq Study Group has done is made it official."
Hendrick Hertzberg (New Yorker Magazine 12/18)
_______________________________________
[] Bush is considering adding a "surge" of 30,000 troops to Iraq. (New York Times 12/16)
To his crack military strategists, it's intuitive. When something isn't working, do more of it.
[] Florida governor suspends executions after an autopsy showed a botched lethal injection tortured the victim for 30 minutes. (Associated Press 12/16)
Katherine Harris has demanded a re-autopsy.
[] A notorious Somolian big game poacher, known to have slaughtered 17 elephants and 9 rhinos in Kenya over the past five years, has been killed in a shootout with game wardens. (Associated Press 12/16)
His teeth were extracted and turned into tiny piano keys.
[] A Beverly Hills dermatology clinic has begun offering "Gummy Bear" silicone breast implants. (Los Angeles Daily News 12/17)
Their June Groom Special includes a "Tootsie Roll" penile enhancement.
______________________________________
Bereft on the Left will be back in a moment, but first, this important message...
You're in for a fun read if you haven't sampled Bob's online book entitled "HOPE WRITER: My Life Inside Bob Hope's Comedy Factory." It's chock full of backstage stories and celebrity anecdotes from the author's seventeen years "on the road" with Hope and it's audio-illustrated by Odeo.com. Now you can hear the classic songs, sketches and comedy routines that made Hope TV specials so unique. That golden era may be gone, but the memories linger on at:
www.hope-writer.blogspot.com
_______________________________________
[] A proposed Texas law would allow the blind to hunt live game using lasers, long banned because they cause wildlife to freeze in fear. (USA Today 12/12)
Dick Cheney is exploring the possibility of being declared legally blind before the dove season opens.
[] J. Michael Hannigan, attorney for Cardinal Roger Mahoney, claims "there's not a chance that my client conspired to shield child molester priests from prosecution." (USA Today 12/12)
Mike is a senior partner at Scumbag, Douchebag & Slime.
[] The NBA has rejected the new composite ball after players complained. More uniform than the old ball, it spread perspiration evenly for more rapid evaporation. (USA Today 12/12)
Unfortunately, it also caused a chemical reaction with skin that obliterated
their tattoos.
[] Nicole Richie was arrested by the CHP after driving the wrong way up a Burbank on ramp. (USA Today 12/12)
She faces a charge of driving under the influence of Paris Hilton.
[] US troops in Iraq use Silly String sent to them from their families at home to help find hidden trip wires attached to bombs. (USA Today 12/12)
But it's the most advanced, technically superior Silly String in the world.
[] USA Today/Gallup poll shows that the majority of Americans believe Bush will be viewed by history as "poor" or "below average," well below the rankings of his five predecessors. (USA Today 12/13)
He even loses to the West Wing's Martin Sheen.
[] The Pentagon will soon begin using honeybees to sniff out explosives. (USA Today 12/11)
Owned and trained by Halliburton.
______________________________________________
DO PEOPLE TELL YOU YOU'RE FUNNY? DO YOU LIKE TO MAKE OTHERS LAUGH?
Now you can learn to write comic lines and funny routines with personal step-by-step guidance from a comedy veteran. The Jokesmith provides one-on-one online tutoring in the essentials of writing and performing for the business world. Spice up your office presentations and speeches with humor that's tailor-made by you and for you alone. It's no more expensive than taking golf lessons and you'll soon be the envy of your friends and colleagues, snapping off one-liners like a seasoned comic. Creating humor is fun and, who knows----you may end up being the next Seinfeld.
For details, write Jokesmith@Peoplepc.com and type "lessons" in the subject line.
______________________________________________
[] "Apocalypto" displaced "Happy Feet" with $14.2 million in opening weekend grosses. (NPR Radio 12/11)
Watch for copycat projects to spring up with no established stars speaking an unknown language and directed by an alcoholic antisemite.
[] All states except New Mexico allow death by lethal injection; Nevada and eight other states offer electrocution; three states allow hanging, three firing squad. (USA Today 12/11)
Federal death row inmates have their choice of hanging, facing a firing squad or accepting a tour of duty in Iraq.
[] Rumsfeld attended an hour-long farewell at the Pentagon. (New York Times 12/11)
Following which he crawled into his flag-draped coffin, a parting gift from John Mertha.
[] Bush will delay unveiling any new plans for Iraq until early next year. (New York Times 12/13)
Maybe Santa will bring him an exit strategy.
[] Pamela Anderson and Kid Rock have split up after only four months of marriage. (Associated Press 12/10)
Seems the Kid had some body parts pierced that he failed to tell Pam about.
[] A Justice Department study shows that 70% of California prison inmates return to prison after release. (USA Today 12/11)
Especially in Southern California where it's cheaper than renting or buying.
[] According to the American Society of Plastic Surgeons, cosmetic procedures for men rose 38% last year. (USA Today 11/12)
Most popular: the beer gut tuck.
[] Evergreen trees, mistletoe, holly, Yule logs, candles and elves were popular pagan symbols in pre-Christian Europe. (USA Today 12/11)
The original Santa Clause was a vestal virgin with a water retention problem.
[] The UN's Kofi Annan blasted Bush during his farewell speech to the General Assembly. (ABC News 12/10)
It would have been even more insulting if Bush knew who he was.
[] Dick Cheney's lesbian daughter has announced that she's expecting a baby. (USA Today 11/7)
The identity of the father won't be known until Dick shoots him.
[] Taco Bell removed green onions from 5800 restaurants after E. Coli sickened 58 people. (USA Today 12/7)
Never at a loss to capitalize on free publicity, the chain immediately unveiled its new "Bean & Cheese Siesta Buster Bacterito."
[] New York will become the first state to outlaw artery-clogging trans fats in all its restaurants. (USA Today 12/6)
"New Yorkers lead the world in health-conscious dining," said Pierre Souffle, maitre d' at Manhattan's trendy "Good Cholesterol Grill."
[] No frills EasyCruiseOne offers budget-conscious vacationers cabins starting at $17 a day on Caribbean sailings. (USA Today 12/8)
Amenities include a $4.99 almost midnight buffet, dinner at the bell captain's table and coin-operated life jacket dispensers.
__________________________________
[] Florida's Seminole Indian tribe will purchase the Hard Rock Cafe for $965 million. (USA Today 12/8)
Renamed the "Hiding Behind the Hard Rock Cafe."
[] George Steinbrenner has offered Dwight Gooden a job in the Yankee organization if Dwight can stay clean and sober until February. (USA Today 12/8)
As a locker room sniffer coach.
[] The nectar bat has a tongue 1 1/2 times longer than its body. (USA Today 12/7)
Rivaled only by that of Barbara Walters and Nancy Grace.
[] Critics are calling Mel Gibson's "Apocalypto" even more gruesome than "Braveheart." (USA Today 12/7)
Not quite as gruesome as his DUI mug shot, but almost.
[] TV Land editors and producers have selected "Heeeeere's Johnny!" television's most memorable catch phrase. (USA 1Today 2/7)
Barely edging out "I'm Chevy Chase and you're not."
[] The Crayola Company now offers scented Crayon markers with names like "Booger Buster," "Soda Burp" and "Alien Armpit." (USA Today 12/6)
Soon to be followed by "Sand Box Fart" and "Birthday Cake Acid Reflux."
[] Slyvester Stallone donated items from his Rocky movies to the Smithsonian's National Museum of American History. (USA Today 12/6)
Including his shoes, robe and the walker he uses in the latest sequel.
__________________________________
Dominu$ Vobi$ Cum
[] The Los Angeles archdiocese has paid 45 victims of priest sex abuse $60 million. (Associated Press 12/2)
Or, as they say in the parish, "two hundred and fifty thousand Bingo jackpots."
[] Rice tells Arab television: "I'm sure there are things we could have done differently." (Associated Press 12/2)
... Like liberate Lichtenstein instead.
[] A fast-spreading norovirus struck 338 passengers on Royal Caribbean's "Freedom of the Seas." (USA Today 12/4)
Renamed "Freedom of the Lower Digestive Tract."
[] A Consumer Reports study shows that 83% of supermarket chickens are contaminated with Campybacter or Salmonella bacteria. (USA Today 12/5)
To avoid illness, they recommend storing the birds at 45 degrees or below, cooking them at 165 degrees and passing on pullets that have recently been on a cruise.
[] Rumsfeld's leaked memo recommends that the administration "announce that whatever new approach the US decides on is on a trial basis. This will give us the ability to readjust... and therefore not 'lose'." (Associated Press 12/3)
Or, as we used to say, "surrender."
_____I_R_I_S_H____Y_I_D_D_I_S_H_I_S_M_S_____
Second best is still pretty darned good.
A man who buys a suit with two pairs of pants is just asking for trouble.
(From Bob Mills' "Handbook of Irish Yiddishisms" © 2006)
____________________________________________
[] Israel will overhaul its out-of-condition military following its botched invasion of Lebanon. (USA Today 12/4)
Which will probably mean saying sayonara to the famed 101st Lox, Bagel & Cream Cheese Nosh Battalion.
[] "Nativity Story" grossed a disappointing $8 million on its opening weekend, soundly outdistanced by three other films led by "Happy Feet.". (USA Today 12/4)
Prompting Daily Variety to headline: PENGUINS STOMP BABY JESUS.
[] Sylvester Stallone promoed his new "Rocky" sequel on Monday Night Football. (USA Today 12/4)
Entitled "Rocky KO's Arthritis."
[] Bush's meeting with Shiite leader and Iran confidant Al-Hakim is seen as part of a new administration strategy to get the US out of Iraq. (New York Times 12/2)
Which makes sense. When he decides to surrender, he'd like to have a cell phone number to call.
[] Paris Hilton withdrew from the "Billboard Music Awards" after rejecting the script that had been written for her. (USA Today 12/4)
She blamed "insufficient motivation coupled with uninspiring character development."
_______________________________________
[] Actor Rip Torn was arrested by North Salem, New York police and charged with driving while intoxicated. (MSNBC 12/4)
Allowed one telephone call after being booked, he rang up Gary Shandling.
[] Michael Richards will apoligize to the four black men he targeted after apologizing on David Lettermen, to Rev. Al Sharpton and on Rev. Jesse Jackson's radio show. (Associated Press 12/2)
Next, he'll fly to Constantinople and apologize to the Muslims on behalf of the pope.
[] (Phote Caption) President Bush chats with 8-year old Adds Bugg during a performance of Willie Wonka and the Chocolate Factory at the White House. (USA Today 12/5)
The boy was doing his best to explain the plot to him.
[] Japanese car maker Toyota has passed Ford as the nation's top seller. (Associated Press 12/2)
Hey, it could have been worse. They could have waited until December 7.
[] Lindsay Lohan is still drinking, according to her publicist, but is now attending AA meetings. (Associated Press 12/2)
That's the good news. The bad news is her sponsor is Mel Gibson.
[] Fist fights broke out among opposing legislators at the swearing in ceremony for new Mexican president Felipe Calderon. (Associated Press 12/2)
If this catches on, they may bring back ice hockey as a national sport.
[] An Arizona grandmother was arrested with 214 pounds of marijuana hidden in the trunk of her car. (Associated Press 12/2)
Capping a Thanksgiving visit with her grandson, Woody Harrelson.
____W_O_R_D_S___T_O___L_I_V_E___B_Y_____
I leave you with the immortal words of Tonto who once said to the Lone Ranger, "Mask okay, Keemosabe, but I'd lose the whip."
___________________________________________
[] Regis Philbin has released an album of Christmas standards which he sings, according to radio commentator Paul Harvey, "like the authors intended." (KABC Radio 12/1)
However, that sound you hear coming from their graves isn't applause.
[] McDonald's will provide high tech, kid friendly exercise facilities at several restaurants in Arizona. (USA Today 12/4)
Including a giant inflatable Egg McMuffin trampoline.
[] According to investigators, the Bush administration tried to limit compensation to AEC employees sickened by nuclear radiation. (USA Today 12/5)
George is suspicious of any illness he can't pronounce.
[] Acting UN Secretary John Bolton has resigned his post. (USA Today 12/5)
After being told that Michael Bolton stood a better chance of being confirmed.
[] A & E will air episodes of "The Sopranos" without the violence, nudity or the F word. (Philadelpha Inquirer 12/2)
You got a problem with that, Fuck Face?
_______________________________________
[] Capping his historic visit to Turkey, Pope Benedict XVI prayed in Istanbul's most famous mosque as a gesture of outreach to the Muslim community. (USA Today 12 /1) Following which he privately disclosed some of his church's most secret ecclesiastical mumbo jumbo as well as some of its most sacred flim flam.
[] The Iraq war study group will recommend that US forces begin to withdraw in a "graceful exit." (USA Today 12/1) One plan being considered is to ask George Clooney to shoot a movie in Baghdad and sneak the troops out imbedded with the extras.
[] A Heritage Foundation analyst advises against withdrawing all the troops because "You need a subtle but visual reminder that the Americans haven't left town." (USA Today 1/12) Like an endless pile of rubble isn't enough?
[] The nation's first Muslim congressman is refusing to be sworn in on the bible. (USA Today 1/12) Apparently he's unaware of the time-honored tradition in Congress of having the F.B.I. black out the passages you don't agree with.
[] Frist announces that he won't seek the 2008 Republican presidential nomination. (USA Today 11/30) Bill plans to return to the private sector to run a "diagnosis by TV" clinic for the brain damaged.
[] The Supreme Court has heard its first oral arguments on a case involving global warming. (NPR Radio 11/29) To help Clarence Thomas get up to speed on the topic, Chief Roberts gave him the morning off to see "Happy Feet."
[] A New York Times film critic calls "Happy Feet" "a piercingly sad story about the devistation being visited on the natural world." (USA Today 11/29) Producers now concede that it was probably a bad idea to cast Al Gore as a killer whale.
[] A new $14 million polar bear exhibit has opened at the Pittsburgh Zoo. (USA Today 11/22) Financed in large part by their Coca-Cola residuals.
[] Officials in Costa Rica captured a 50-foot long homemade submarine packed with three tons of cocaine. (USA Today 11/21) US Coast Guard records list the S.S. Courtney Love as "experimental."
[] Scientists have uncovered compelling evidence that a category three hurricane struck Plymouth Rock in 1635. (USA Today 11/21) And that FEMA arrived in 1637.
_______________________________________
Bereft on the Left will be back in a moment, but first, this important message...
You're in for a fun read if you haven't sampled Bob's FREE online book entitled "HOPE WRITER: My Life Inside Bob Hope's Comedy Factory." It's chock full of backstage stories and celebrity anecdotes from the author's seventeen years "on the road" with Hope and it's audio-illustrated by Odeo.com. Now you can hear the classic songs, sketches and comedy routines that made Hope TV specials so unique. That golden era may be gone, but the memories linger on at:
www.hope-writer.blogspot.com
_______________________________________
[] The US is the only country that does not make its currency easily recognizable by the blind. (USA Today 11/30) Maybe we sould adopt the currency of the countries we liberate. You think?
[] Atlanta Falcons quarterback Michael Vick was fined $20,000 for flipping off fans of the opposing team. (USA Today 11/30) On a more positive note, he's been named "Man of the Year" by the Association of New York Cabbies.
[] Jose Canseco is now eligible to be voted into major league baseball's Hall of Fame. (USA Today 11/30) Which is a little like okaying Michael Richards to head the N.A.A.C.P.
[] Andre Agassi and Steffi Graf couldn't get their asking price and had to sell their San Francisco mansion at a $3 million loss. (USA Today 11/30) It just wasn't their week. The ReMax balloon on their front lawn deflated, struck nearby power lines and injured three lookie-loos.
[] TSA begins testing passenger x-ray machines at several airports. (USA Today 12/1) While technicians try to defeat their only nemisis----Kryptonite.
[] According to a report in People Magazine, Britney Spears, Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan have teamed up socially. (USA Today 11/30) Friends say they plan to boy toy ride share.
[] "Nativity Story" with Keisha Castle-Hughes as Mary debuts. (USA Today 12/1) It will be followed by a TV reality-style spinoff entitled "Dancing With the Magi."
_______________________________________
Suicide Bomber
[] Seinfeld's Kramer, Michael Richards, responded to hecklers at Hollywood's Laugh Factory with racial epithets, invective and multiple repetitions of the "n word." (CBS News 11/20) His uncharacteristic outburst prompted these responses:
John Kerry: "Everybody botches a joke now and then."
Sen. Trent Lott: "He was just paying tribute to trees and ropes."
George Bush: "I didn't even like him when he was a Rolling Stone."
Mel Gibson: "Obviously, the Jews had something to do with it."
Paris Hilton: "At least he didn't try to drive afterward."
_________________________________________________
[] Protesters jeered Bush's arrival in Indonesia. (USA Today 11/20) He thanked them for making him feel at home.
[] Bush daughter Barbara was the victim of a purse snatcher while visiting Buenos Aires. (ABC News 11/22) Just a few bucks in it, but it had all her personal items----tooth brush, credit cards, makeup, church key, cork screw, breathalyzer...
[] Troops in Iraq will be issued fire-retardant Nomex suits to protect them from IED explosions. (USA Today 11/22) The Pentagon figured they should at least be as safe as a NASCAR driver in the midst of moonshine-swilling hillbillies in the pits at the Firecracker 500.
[] Henry Kissinger told the BBC that "It's impossible to win in Iraq." (USA Today 11/20) Well, they think that's what he said. He may have said "It was impossible to get Peggy Lee in the sack."
[] The number of babies born by Caesarian section rose 46% over the last ten years. (USA Today 11/22) A rate that seems to be, no pun intended, going through the roof.
[] Three Muslin clerics were removed from a US Airways flight after praying in the Minneapolis-St. Paul airport lobby before boarding. (USA Today 11/22) Problem was, instead of using prayer rugs, they knelt on Hari Krishnas.
_________________________________________________
[] This year's Cat Fanciers Association cat show will, for the first time, include an agility course. (USA Today 11/21) Other events include the 200 Meter Couch Shredding Medley Relay, the Hairball Shot Put and the Food Rejection Triathlon.
[] MADD has launched a campaign to require all new cars to come equipped with an ignition-connected breathalyzer. (USA Today 11/20) The most popular device, made in Israel, is called "the Gibson."
[] Church leaders often cite Leviticus 18 to condemn homosexuality: "You shall not lie with a man as with a woman; it is an abomination." (USA Today 11/20) Problem is, three lines later, it condemns eating catfish.
_________________________________________________
Bereft on the Left will be back in a moment, but first, this important message...
You're in for a fun read if you haven't sampled Bob's online book entitled "HOPE WRITER: My Life Inside Bob Hope's Comedy Factory." It's chock full of backstage stories and celebrity anecdotes from the author's seventeen years "on the road" with Hope and it's audio-illustrated by Odeo.com. Now you can hear the classic songs, sketches and comedy routines that made Hope TV specials so unique. That golden era may be gone, but the memories linger on at:
www.hope-writer.blogspot.com
_________________________________________________
[] The nation's highest paid university president is Wilmington College's Audrey Duberstein who receives $2.7 million annually. (USA Today 11/20) But most important, she's guaranteed a parking place.
[] House Ways & Means committee chairman Charlie Rangel will introduce a bill to reinstate the military draft. (USA Today 11/20) To provide future generations of Bushs something to duck.
[] Senator John Kerry insists that his "botched joke" will not deter him from seeking the 2008 Democratic presidential nomination. (USA Today 11/20) Although his out-of-touch, Back Bay, Yalie, snob-dominated, Sperry Topsider and chinos sensibilities may.
[] Rangers at Custer State Park in South Dakota conducted their 41st annual bison auction, selling 213 buffalos. (USA Today 11/20) Potential bidders had to provide viable evidence that they would provide them new homes with plenty of deer and antelope at play.
_________________________________________________
[] Following a nationwide trend among law enforcement agencies, the Virginia State Police will replace all of their "10-4" radio codes with ordinary speech. (USA Today 11/20) Besides the "Read you loud and clear" code made popular by Brodrick Crawford on Highway Patrol, other favorites include "10-20": "What is your location?" and "10-80": "I just spotted OJ and he's carrying a bloody knife."
[] The American Federation of Government Employees wants to unionize the nation's 45,000 airport screeners. (USA Today 11/20) Which makes sense. Do you want to give someone making minimum wage unlimited access to your privates?
[] More than 3000 orthodox rabbis have gathered in Brooklyn for an international conference. (USA Today 11/20) Top item on their agenda will be trying to adopt a uniform bris protocol.
[] "Happy Feet," featuring dancing penguins, outgrossed "Casino Royale" on their opening weekend. (USA Today 11/20) Moviegoers had to decide who they wanted to watch dressed in tuxedos.
[] The US Treasury Department has unveiled their new $1 gold coin. (USA Today 11/20) Will it eventually replace the paper bill? It's a tossup.
[] FedEx, UPS, DHL and the Postal Service are the nation's largest airborne shippers. (USA Today 11/20) Delta, too, if you count misdirected luggage.
[] The Fox News channel will offer a weekly, conservative-leaning, half hour show that will target "the sacred cows of the left." (USA Today 11 21) Fox has agreed to pick up the tab for Bill O'Reilly's sense-of-humor transplant.
_________________________________________________
[] Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes were married in the Odescazchi Castle in Bracciano, Italy in a former stable decorated simply with white flowers. (Associated Press 11/19) Beside the rough-hewn manger in which Tom was born.
[] Katie wore a fitted off-the-shoulder ivory silk bridal gown adorned in Valenciennes lace and Swarovski beaded crystal embroidery featuring a delicate crinoline frill at the shoulders and a silk soleil border around the hem with an ivory tulle floor-length veil and ivory silk shoes. (Associated Press 11/19) Tom showed up in an off-the-rack seersucker suit from Ross Dress For Less.
[] The twenty minute ceremony ended with a never-ending kiss that prompted some guests to shout "Stop! Stop!" (Associated Press 11/19) Much as they do when Tom threatens to make another "Mission Impossible" sequel.
[] For the wedding reception, Holmes changed into an asymetric champagne Georgio Armani Prive evening dress of silk organza decorated in Swarovski crystal beads. (Associated Press 11/19) After cutting the five-tiered chocolate layer cake, the bride tossed her bouquet which was caught by Pope Benedict XVI.
[] Israel's deputy prime minister says Palestinian leaders should be assassinated. (Associated Press 11/19) Prime Minister Ehud Olmert later apologized, explaining that Avigdon Lieberman had just emerged from a special screening of "Casino Royale."
[] "Thunderball," "Goldfinger," and "You Only Live Twice" are the top-grossing Bond films so far. (USA Today 11/17) Lowest grosser: "From Peoria With Love."
[] For the first time since 1931, an iceberg has been sighted off the coast of New Zealand. (Associated Press 11/18) Oceanographers immediately named it the "Katherine Harris."
[] Parents in Shiloh, Illinois are seeking a ban on "And Tango Makes Three," a childrens book about two male penguins who adopt an orphaned penguin. (Associated Press 11/18) The two met while working as choreographers on "Happy Feet."
[] Seven hundred passengers aboard Carnival's cruise ship Liberty came down with the flu-like novovirus. (Associated Press 11/17) They were immediately transferred to the Liberty's sister ship, the Montezuma's Revenge.
[] A body builder was ejected from a Planet Fitness Gym for excessive grunting while lifting weights. (New York Times 11/18) He was bench-pressing his girlfriend, Heather.
[] Whitney Houston's $1.4 million, five bedroom home in Atlanta has been forclosed. (Associated Press 11/28) You inhale a couple of mortgage payments and ----
[] Mel Gibson was named "coldest person in Hollywood" by Film Threat.com. (Associated Press 11/18) Coldest uncircumcised person.
[] Bush tells an audience in Hanoi that "we won the Vietnam war." (Associated Press 11/18) Due in no small part to his military service there.
[] The F.D.A. has approved silicone breast implants, ending a 14-year ban. (Associated Press 11/18) Also, the use of the term "silicone valley" for any residual cleavage.
[] Hawaii has banned smoking in or within 20 feet of restaurants, bars, lobbies, offices, arenas, stadiums and airports. (USA Today 11/17) Or within ten feet of Don Ho.
[] China will test all food to be eaten by Beijing Games athletes with white mice. (USA Today 11/17) Canaries for those in underground events.
[] Ohio State's Troy Smith and Notre Dame's Brady Quinn are front runners for this year's Heisman Trophy. (USA Today1 1/17) And to add to the suspense, they're both dating the same girl.
[] TMX Elmo and Sony's Play Station 3 are expected to lead in toy sales this Christmas. (USA Today 11/17) Expected to tank at the cash register: Tyco's "How I Did It" O.J. action figure (knife and glove optional).
[] Moms stage a "nurse-in" after a woman was removed from a Delta flight for breast feeding. (USA Today 11/17) Flight attendants didn't want the other passengers to see someone enjoying a tasty meal.
[] Before the Iraq war began, Bush estimated its cost at $50-60 billion. The war is now expected to end up costing $600 billion. (USA Today 11/17) Not to mention both houses of Congress and his legacy.
[] The Postal Service has reduced to five years the length of time a person must be dead before appearing on a stamp. (USA Today 11/16) Which means Keith Richards will qualify next April.
Newsweek Magazine says Rove was so confident of victory, he planned to convene a panel of Republican political scientists to determine why the polls were so wrong. (MSNBC 11/13) Instead, he's convened a panel of Republican proctologists to examine his newly-reamed anal receptor.
Says Joe Klein in Time Magazine: "Bush's decision to delay the sacking of Rumsfeld until after the election will undoubtedly stand as one of his greatest mistakes." (Time Magazine 11/20) Second only to saying "I do" on January 20, 2000.
Rumsfeld is considering various employment options following his tenure as Defense Secretary. (USA Today 11/10) He'll probably accept a professorship at West Point teaching Shock & Awe 1-A.
Bush is visiting Asia this week, stopping first in Vietnam. (CBS News 11/14) Until now, his closest contact with Hanoi has been his hatred of Jane Fonda.
Trent Lott has been chosen the GOP's new minority whip. (MSNBC 11/12) A shoo-in. He may be a Klansman, but you have to admit, he's never molested anyone.
Ohio University has removed disgraced congressman Bob Ney's name from a building on campus. (USA Today 11/15) All is not lost, however. In Bob's honor, the rugby team has been renamed the Douche Bags.
Gerald Ford has passed Ronald Reagan as the US president who has lived the longest. (Los Angeles Times 11/12) And he's still remarkably spry for his age. He remembers everything except pardoning Nixon.
The US Department of Agriculture refers to mass hunger in its official documents as "food insecurity." (USA Today 11/16) Their verbs for voluntary starvation are "to moss" or "to flockhart."
The "Virtual Global Task Force" is a new international police unit formed to track down internet pedophiles. (USA Today 11/16) So far, all their leads have led to the Vatican.
A judge in Batavia, Illinois has refused to halt a high school production of
"Fuggegeddaboutit ---- A Little Mob Comedy" after the Order of the Sons of Italy protested. (USA Today 11/16) Nothing new here. Last year, they produced a takeoff on "Grease" called "Greaseball."
Eli Sherman, founder of the Jewish Sports Hall of Fame has passed away at 74. (Los Angeles Times 11/15) Which has two members ---- Hank Greenberg and Sandy Koufax.
Robert B. McCurry, the Chrysler executive who invented the rebate, has died. (USA Today 11/15) His family has already already mailed in proof of his funeral expenses attached to his death certificate.
Texas Tech coach Bobby Knight insists he was "lifting Michael Prince's chin, not slapping him." (USA Today 11/15) You know, like George Patton lifted the chin of that shell shocked private.
A UCLA study shows that film production is the second leading cause of air pollution in the Los Angeles basin. (USA Today 11/15) First place goes to the three major television networks' script departments.
Black Christmas trees are all the rage this holiday season. (USA Today 11/15) So much so, there's a shortage of skulls to hang on them.
The Marine Corps' "Toys For Tots" program has reconsidered after turning down a donation of 4000 "speaking" Jesus dolls. (USA Today 11/15) Problem was, the little guy speaks in rap.
Ernestine Galbreth, co-author of "Cheaper By the Dozen," which spurred the 1950 film starring Clifton Webb and the 2003 remake with Steve Martin, has died. (Time Magazine 11/20) A planned sequel, "Cheaper By the Baker's Dozen," never materialized.
Head of Germany's Secret Police during World War II, Marcus Wolf, suave spymaster known as "the man without a face," has died at age 83. (Time Magazine 11/20) Not to be confused with Michael Jackson, known as "the face without a man."
Wal Mart will soon begin selling wine. (CBS News 11/14) As soon as they can figure out how to produce it in a sweatshop.
Divers off the coast of Spain have discovered clay jugs that held a shipment of fish sauce bound for the Roman Empire in the first century. (USA Today 11/14) Some with their labels still attached ---- "Benihana of Thebes."
KFC's Colonel Sanders has shed his white coat for an apron ---- only the company's fourth logo change in 50 years. (USA Today 11/14) Last one was when they took the axe out of his hand.
China will soon enforce a "one dog per family" policy. (USA Today 11/13) That's "per family," mind you, not "per meal."
A list of World War II veterans in a Taylor County, Georgia government building is broken down into "Whites" and "Blacks." (USA Today 11/13) The whites are further broken down into "light" rednecks and "dark" rednecks.
Andy Griffith has sued Harold Fenrick for changing his name to Andrew Griffith to run for sheriff of Madison, Wisconsin. (Associated Press 11/12) Luckily, Harold's son, Opie, is a lawyer.
Former pitcher Dwight Gooden was released from prison after serving nine months of a year's sentence for a parole violation. (Cable News Network 10/9) The judge decided to pull him when it was clear he was tiring and losing his stuff.
Denise Richards, filming a movie in Canada, threw a laptop off a balcony at a photographer who was stalking her. (Cable News Network 11/09) Luckly, Denise had purchased the Toshiba "Lensbuster 9000."
The airlines are currently losing 33% more luggage than last year. (New York Times 11/12) On the plus side, passengers are now allowed to buy duty-free clothes.
The United Nations has voted Norway the "Best nation to live in," followed by Finland and Australia. The US ranked eighth after Ireland, Sweden, Canada and Japan. (USA Today 11/10) On the plus side, America was named "Best banana republic to live in."
Tests at the National Marine Laboratory in Sarasota, Florida indicate that manatees may be a lot more intelligent than previously believed. (Associated Press 11/11) This may not mean much to you, but the Bushes are ecstatic.
The state of Texas has executed 24 people so far this year. (USA Today 11/10) In fact, they have an offer on the table to do Saddam.
The pope has convened a summit to discuss removing the ban on married priests. (USA Today 11/14) To replace the traditional hair shirt.
Rumsfeld fired! (ABC News 11/8) He actually resigned, according to Karl Rove, "to spend more time with his family" .... and with the lawyers preparing for his war crimes trial.
Senator Rick Santorum, who once equated homosexuality with beastiality, was soundly defeated for reelection in a landslide. (Cable News Network 11/7) Due mainly to his last minute loss of support from the National Association for the Advancement of Buggery.
Dennis Hastert says he won't seek a leadership position in his party when Congress reconvenes. (USA Today 11/8) Denny will be too busy trying to extract the samurai sword Bush sent him.
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Biblical Drivel...
Despite threats of a boycott by non-Christian groups, Wal Mart will return to using the word "Christmas" this holiday season. (USA Today 11/9) They have agreed, however, to replace the baby Jesus in their nativity scene with a non-denominational African orphan they rented from Madonna.
Catholic bishops have approved a directory of "doctrinally correct hymns." (USA Today 11/9) Among which are the perennial favorites "The Immaculate Conception Blues," "Rising From the Dead is Hard to Do", "Don't Go Changin' Water Into Wine For Me," and "He's Not Heavy, He's My Altar Boy."
The Vatican has asked officials in Israel to cancel the gay pride parade in Jerusalem because it's "demeaning to Christians." (USA Today 11/9) Real reason: the pope doesn't want priests taking all that time off.
Pentacostal pastor shuts down "Jesus Camp" after being exposed in a documentary brainwashing children. (USA Today 11/8) It will be converted into a rehab center to be named after Ted Haggard.
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Show Biz Buzz...
The wrapper on Al Gore's new DVD "An Inconvenient Truth" can, if planted and watered, produce basil. (USA Today 11/8) It's not widely known that Al invented basil shortly after he invented the internet.
After 30 years of "Come on down!", Bob Barker will retire from "The Price Is Right" in June. (Time Magazine 11/13) As to what he'll do in retirement, he's still groping for an answer.
Britney Spears has filed for divorce from Kevin Federline. (USA Today 11/8) On the grounds of "irreconcilable bad career decisions."
A judge has dismissed a defamation lawsuit filed by Britney Spears against US Weekly. (USA Today 11/17) Citing the time-honored legal principle of "Separation of Slut and Reputation."
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Locker Room With a View...
Penn State football coach Joe Paterno was upended by a player and broke his leg on the sidelines during a game against Wisconsin. (USA Today 11/7) Before he hit the turf, four Penn State pre-law students handed him their cards.
Tiger Woods has announced that he'll form a company to design golf courses worldwide. (USA Today 11/7) Which he vows will build more courses than Jack Nicholaus's company.
John Daly suffered through his worst year on the pro tour with one win and earnings of only $192,134 ---- files for divorce from his wife Sherrie. (USA Today 11/8) Worse, he's lost his main endorsement ---- Annhauser-Busch.
Figure skater Michelle Kwan has been named to a non-salaried US ambassadorship. (USA Today 11/8) Replacing the Bush administration- appointed Tonya Harding.
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Science Undigested ...
A Berlin-based research group has ranked Finland "the least corrupt country in the world." (USA Today 11/7) But not for long. Tom DeLay is threatening to build a retirement home in Helsinki.
Giant snails that escaped from a cargo ship in 2000 and have been multiplying ever since are destroying crops all across the Caribbean island of Barbados. (USA Today 11/9) Careless chefs at the popular fast food chain "El Pollo Escargot" are being blamed for the disaster.
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Board Room Banter...
Imelda Marcos has founded a company that will produce a line of affordable fashion jewelry. (USA Today 11/7) Beginning with the "Moonlight Over Corregidor" Collection.
US and British researchers from Cambridge University and M.I.T. have designed a virtually silent passenger jet that could be in service by 2015. (USA Today 11/7) Sooner if they can figure out a faster way to wind up the giant rubber band.
FED EX has blamed production delays for canceling its 380-Airbus order ---- switching to Boeing 777's. (USA Today 11/8) Which are easier to double-park.
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"Praze Dee Lawd..."
Head of the National Association of Evangelicals, pastor of New Life Church, presidential advisor Ted Haggard ousted after 3-year "gay-for-pay" relationship with a male prostitute is revealed. (NBC News 11/2) Looks like the "gel" in evangelical stands for KY Jelly... No doubt, Ted will enter a rehab program, but experts agree that evangelicalism is one of the toughest addictions to conquer.
Here are some danger signs issued by the Atlanta Synod that your pastor may be following in Ted's sandal prints:
1) Uses the King Jamie version of the bible
2) Holds choir practice at Chippendale's
3) Is constantly rearranging the pews
4) Likes to do everything in tongues
5) Insists there was a 13th apostle named Kyle
Former Pentagon advisor Richard Pearle blames Bush for "huge mistakes," calling his national security advisors "among the most incompetent teams in the post WWII era." (USA Today 11/3) On the plus side, he thinks Bush has done a bangup job "keeping the twins off the sauce."
John McEnroe beat Bjorn Borg in an exhibition singles match in Dubai. (USA Today 11/3) Highlighting the "AARP-Sun City-Viagra-Nexium-Depends Open."
Iran test fires a missile capable of reaching Israel. (USA Today 11/3) It's designed to destroy everything except delis.
Paul McCartney and Heather Mills have hired Charles and Diana's lawyers to battle over a $1.5 billion fortune. (USA Today 11/3) You can be sure Heather won't be taking a limo ride anytime soon.
"When I see those 'Girls Gone Wild' videos, it makes me glad my daughters never went to college." Roseanne (HBO 11/4)
Neil Patrick Harris, TV's Doogie Howser, M.D., told People Magazine he's gay. (USA Today 11/4) But he denied ever giving Ted Haggard a massage.
A school bus driver in Seattle was fired after giving Bush the finger as his motorcade passed. (USA Today 11/2) She told authorities she was just trying to prepare him for Tuesday.
Miss Great Britain was decrowned after admitting that she slept with one of the judges. (USA Today 11/3) Pageant officials advised Danielle Lloyd to apply to American Idol where such behavior is tolerated.
The first Catholic cathedral built in the US has reopened in Baltimore after a $34 million restoration. (Associated Press 11/5) With updated ammenities including criminal defense lawyer conference rooms and a separate entrance for process servers.
"Gray's Anatomy" star T. R. Knight has admitted being gay. (Time Magazine 11/6) Which was the biggest shock at a network since Paul Lynde outed himself on "Hollywood Squares."
"I hate getting old. I'm dry where I'm supposed to be wet and wet where I'm supposed to be dry. And I multi-task. I pee when I sneeze." Roseanne (HBO 11/4)
"Honk if You're Innocent... "
"Death vans" visit villages in China to perform lethal injections for offenses from tax evasion and smuggling to government corruption. (USA Today 11/2) Between injections, the driver doubles as a Good Humor man.
Ann Coulter faces prosecution for voter fraud for casting a ballot in the wrong precinct. (USA Today 11/2) She voted in Warlock Township when she actually lives in the Village of Bubble Bubble Toil and Trouble.
Thirty percent of New Yorkers don't own a car. (USA Today 11/2) Worse, 12% of those lack a middle finger to hail a cab.
A GOP lawmaker in Florida resigned after being convicted of leaving obscene racial slurs on a colleague's voice mail. (USA Today 11/2) And violating the Republicans' time-honored tradition of sexually explicit e-mails.
The Catholic group CaAction.com advises Catholics on how to vote based on bans on euthanasia, stem cell research, human cloning and homosexual marriage they claim appear in the Catechism. (USA Today 11/2) Which they're still combing to find a pedophilia loophole.
NASCAR driver Robby Gordon was disciplined for tossing trash on the track during the Bass Pro Shops 500 in Atlanta. (USA Today 11/2) Not to be confused with the trash watching the race.
N.B.C. has canceled the highly touted "Kidnapped." (USA Today 11/2) After too many viewers sent them a ransom note by not tuning in.
Marilyn Monroe's pantaloons are among personal items up for auction at Bonham's in London. (USA Today 11/2) Along with several garter belts Tony Curtis wore in "Some Like It Hot."
Harvard Med researchers found that the chemical "restueratrol" found in red wine may extend life. (USA Today 11/2) They stumbled on this after several extraordinarily healthy mice were discovered living on Charles Shaw Cabernet Sauvignon at Trader Joes.
A little past cocaine use is okay says LAPD recruiters----but not meth or heroin. (USA Today 11/2) Which pretty much dashes the law enforcement career hopes of Courtney Love.
Martha Stewart will be a celebrity chef on Yahoo Food. (USA Today 11/2)Martha's first segment will cover several holiday variations of slop and gruel she learned in stir.
Barbie is teaming with trendy M-A-C Cosmetics to hype provocative products like "Encounter" and "Night Affair." (USA Today 11/2) G.I Joe will help sell mens' cologne like "Iraqi Tent" and "Evening in Kabul."
K.F.C. will replace trans fats with healthier soybean oil. (USA Today 10/30) They've already replaced their popular "Bucket o' Grease" with the "Tub o' Health."
New F.B.I. crime report says the most dangerous city in America is St. Louis. (USA Today 10/30) Home of valet car jackings.
A new CNN poll shows that 51% of Americans believe the US can never win in Iraq. (Cable News Network 10/30) About the same percentage who believe that Rosie can never really replace Star Jones on "The View."
Bob Barker has announced that he'll depart "The Price is Right" next June. (USA Today 11/1) The network let him guess the month without going over.
Zugat's annual list of America's top restaurants places New York's "Le Bernadin" and San Francisco's "Gary Danko" first and second. (USA Today 10/31) Missing the list by the width of a French fry were Houston's "Spleen-On-a-Stick" and "Hooter's Nipple World" in Peoria.
The Pentagon will replace the Humvee with the $750,000 Buffalo, a v-bottomed vehicle impervious to roadside bombs. (USA Today 10/31) The civilian version has already been ordered by several rappers.
The American Red Cross vows to rid itself of ill-qualified presidential appointees to restore its image tarnished by its Katrina response. (USA Today 10/31) And will now offer a wider selection of donuts at disaster sites.
The federal Administration of Children and Families will fund programs that promote sexual abstinence up to age 29. (USA Today 10/31) Which will include distribution of condoms with imbedded audio chips that say "Is this really necessary?" as the condom is unrolled.
That soldier missing in Iraq is now believed to have married his Iraqi girlfriend. (USA Today 10/30) Now he'll have to face his C.O. AND his mother-in-law.
The World Music Awards will present Michael Jackson with the "Diamond Award" for selling 100 million albums. (USA Today 10/30) And for paying $100 million in pedophile suit settlements.
"The CBS Evening News With Katie Couric" has dropped to third place in the ratings. (USA Today 10/30) Due primarily to the loss of her endorsement from the American Association of Incessant Perkiness.
The Army has blamed its failure to notify families of seven soldiers of their cause of death in Iraq on "the fog of war." (USA Today 10/31) Also the cause of them being sent there in the first place on "the fog of president."
Stolichnaya Vodka seeks to attract gay and lesbian drinkers with a one-hour documentary on the LOGO channel entitled "Be Real: Stories From Queer America." (USA Today 10/26) Narrated by Mark Foley.
Neilsen ratings for the World Series were the lowest since televising the games began. (USA Today 10/26) Desperate by game three, Fox hyped it as a reality show and renamed it "Lost: The Series."
Teens in El Dorado, Kansas must submit to drug testing before being allowed to park on campus. (USA Today 10/28) The new rule was first implemented at Paris Hilton Middle School.
The National Animal Identification System will require all farmers and ranchers to register their livestock. (USA Today 10/28) So far, the Bush administration has refused to grant amnesty to animals from Mexico.
The NBA has issued new rules covering attire allowed on the court during games. (USA Today 10/28) Uniforms must be stylish, loose-fitting and tattoo-friendly.
Parcels packed with cocaine washed up on the shoreline near Lisbon. (USA Today 10/26) Looks like Whitney Houston isn't taking any chances with Customs.
A new survey shows that 6% of air travelers last year found romance with strangers during their flight. (USA Today 10/26) A third of those without leaving their seat.
ABC's "Desperate Housewives" has halted its season two ratings plunge, leveling out in season three. (USA Today 10/26) The show has been renamed "Comfortably Ensconced Housewives.
Naomi Campbell was arrested in London after scuffling with another woman. (ABC News 10/26) She was unarmed, but under British law, a model's knees are considered lethal weapons.
The Vatican has agreed to pay $10 million to seven boys sexually abused in the diocese of Los Angeles. (Los Angeles Daily News 10/27) The Father and the Son caved early but the Holy Ghost was the sole holdout.
Jimmy Stewart is the thirteenth honoree in the Postal Service's "Legends of Hollywood" stamp series. (Associated Press 10/26) Next up is their "Drumbeat of Druggies" series featuring Janice Joplin, Jimi Hendrix, John Balushi and Chris Farley.
British heavy metal rockers Black Sabbath have reunited with a new name: "Heaven and Hell." (USA Today 10/26) Following the rebirth of Earth, Wind and Fire as "Asbestos, Lead and Mercury."
Catholic bishops adopt new rules more accepting of gays and allowing them to "reveal their tendencies only to friends, family and their priest." (New York Times 8/29) An eccleasiastical version of "Don't Ask, Don't Tell"----"Don't Bless, Do Confess."
Los Angeles will spend $1.9 million to install intersection cameras. (Los Angeles Daily News 10/26) The ones in Hollywood are more expensive because they come with a boom mike.
Last week marked the 120th birthday of the Statue of Liberty. (CBS News 10/27) Whose torch has been out since Bush abolished the Writ of Habeas Corpus.
The Iraq war is costing the Bush administration $4 billion a week. (CBS News 10/26) A hundred million just to bribe the generals to say we're winning it.
The Centers for Disease Control recommends frequent hand-washing during the flu season. (CBS News 10/26) More often if shaking hands with congressmen, tobacco company executives, or lawyers.
A survey of costume-makers shows that Osama bin Laden and Mark Foley were top sellers this Halloween. (USA Today 10/26) Followed by Bush and Condoleezza Rice dressed as Hitler and Eva Braun.
Dick Clark has put his career memorabelia up for auction. (Associated Press 10/29) Ed McMahon is expected to fetch well into four figures.
Harrison Ford has announced his willingness to star in another Indiana Jones film. (Los Angeles Daily News 10/29) "Indiana Jones and the Search for the Lost Viagra Mine."
Marauding rioters in France fire-bombed 277 cars and busses. (Associated Press 10/29) Using what are called over there "incindiare explosione a la improvization."
Forty percent of scientists now working for the government say they're looking for other jobs because of Bush administration ethics that inhibit research. (Associated Press 10/29) Some say they may even apply at tobacco companies.
Fidel Castro appeared on Cuban TV to dispel recent rumors of his death. (Associated Press 10/29) He insists he's healthier than Cheney.
The pope told a group of Irish bishops that Catholics "continue to regard their clergy with affection and esteem." (Associated Press 10/29) As long as they keep their hands where everyone can see them.
John Kerry: "Everybody botches a joke now and then."
Sen. Trent Lott: "He was just paying tribute to trees and ropes."
George Bush: "I didn't even like him when he was a Rolling Stone."
Mel Gibson: "Obviously, the Jews had something to do with it."
Paris Hilton: "At least he didn't try to drive afterward."
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[] Protesters jeered Bush's arrival in Indonesia. (USA Today 11/20) He thanked them for making him feel at home.
[] Bush daughter Barbara was the victim of a purse snatcher while visiting Buenos Aires. (ABC News 11/22) Just a few bucks in it, but it had all her personal items----tooth brush, credit cards, makeup, church key, cork screw, breathalyzer...
[] Troops in Iraq will be issued fire-retardant Nomex suits to protect them from IED explosions. (USA Today 11/22) The Pentagon figured they should at least be as safe as a NASCAR driver in the midst of moonshine-swilling hillbillies in the pits at the Firecracker 500.
[] Henry Kissinger told the BBC that "It's impossible to win in Iraq." (USA Today 11/20) Well, they think that's what he said. He may have said "It was impossible to get Peggy Lee in the sack."
[] The number of babies born by Caesarian section rose 46% over the last ten years. (USA Today 11/22) A rate that seems to be, no pun intended, going through the roof.
[] Three Muslin clerics were removed from a US Airways flight after praying in the Minneapolis-St. Paul airport lobby before boarding. (USA Today 11/22) Problem was, instead of using prayer rugs, they knelt on Hari Krishnas.
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[] This year's Cat Fanciers Association cat show will, for the first time, include an agility course. (USA Today 11/21) Other events include the 200 Meter Couch Shredding Medley Relay, the Hairball Shot Put and the Food Rejection Triathlon.
[] MADD has launched a campaign to require all new cars to come equipped with an ignition-connected breathalyzer. (USA Today 11/20) The most popular device, made in Israel, is called "the Gibson."
[] Church leaders often cite Leviticus 18 to condemn homosexuality: "You shall not lie with a man as with a woman; it is an abomination." (USA Today 11/20) Problem is, three lines later, it condemns eating catfish.
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Bereft on the Left will be back in a moment, but first, this important message...
You're in for a fun read if you haven't sampled Bob's online book entitled "HOPE WRITER: My Life Inside Bob Hope's Comedy Factory." It's chock full of backstage stories and celebrity anecdotes from the author's seventeen years "on the road" with Hope and it's audio-illustrated by Odeo.com. Now you can hear the classic songs, sketches and comedy routines that made Hope TV specials so unique. That golden era may be gone, but the memories linger on at:
www.hope-writer.blogspot.com
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[] The nation's highest paid university president is Wilmington College's Audrey Duberstein who receives $2.7 million annually. (USA Today 11/20) But most important, she's guaranteed a parking place.
[] House Ways & Means committee chairman Charlie Rangel will introduce a bill to reinstate the military draft. (USA Today 11/20) To provide future generations of Bushs something to duck.
[] Senator John Kerry insists that his "botched joke" will not deter him from seeking the 2008 Democratic presidential nomination. (USA Today 11/20) Although his out-of-touch, Back Bay, Yalie, snob-dominated, Sperry Topsider and chinos sensibilities may.
[] Rangers at Custer State Park in South Dakota conducted their 41st annual bison auction, selling 213 buffalos. (USA Today 11/20) Potential bidders had to provide viable evidence that they would provide them new homes with plenty of deer and antelope at play.
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[] Following a nationwide trend among law enforcement agencies, the Virginia State Police will replace all of their "10-4" radio codes with ordinary speech. (USA Today 11/20) Besides the "Read you loud and clear" code made popular by Brodrick Crawford on Highway Patrol, other favorites include "10-20": "What is your location?" and "10-80": "I just spotted OJ and he's carrying a bloody knife."
[] The American Federation of Government Employees wants to unionize the nation's 45,000 airport screeners. (USA Today 11/20) Which makes sense. Do you want to give someone making minimum wage unlimited access to your privates?
[] More than 3000 orthodox rabbis have gathered in Brooklyn for an international conference. (USA Today 11/20) Top item on their agenda will be trying to adopt a uniform bris protocol.
[] "Happy Feet," featuring dancing penguins, outgrossed "Casino Royale" on their opening weekend. (USA Today 11/20) Moviegoers had to decide who they wanted to watch dressed in tuxedos.
[] The US Treasury Department has unveiled their new $1 gold coin. (USA Today 11/20) Will it eventually replace the paper bill? It's a tossup.
[] FedEx, UPS, DHL and the Postal Service are the nation's largest airborne shippers. (USA Today 11/20) Delta, too, if you count misdirected luggage.
[] The Fox News channel will offer a weekly, conservative-leaning, half hour show that will target "the sacred cows of the left." (USA Today 11 21) Fox has agreed to pick up the tab for Bill O'Reilly's sense-of-humor transplant.
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[] Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes were married in the Odescazchi Castle in Bracciano, Italy in a former stable decorated simply with white flowers. (Associated Press 11/19) Beside the rough-hewn manger in which Tom was born.
[] Katie wore a fitted off-the-shoulder ivory silk bridal gown adorned in Valenciennes lace and Swarovski beaded crystal embroidery featuring a delicate crinoline frill at the shoulders and a silk soleil border around the hem with an ivory tulle floor-length veil and ivory silk shoes. (Associated Press 11/19) Tom showed up in an off-the-rack seersucker suit from Ross Dress For Less.
[] The twenty minute ceremony ended with a never-ending kiss that prompted some guests to shout "Stop! Stop!" (Associated Press 11/19) Much as they do when Tom threatens to make another "Mission Impossible" sequel.
[] For the wedding reception, Holmes changed into an asymetric champagne Georgio Armani Prive evening dress of silk organza decorated in Swarovski crystal beads. (Associated Press 11/19) After cutting the five-tiered chocolate layer cake, the bride tossed her bouquet which was caught by Pope Benedict XVI.
[] Israel's deputy prime minister says Palestinian leaders should be assassinated. (Associated Press 11/19) Prime Minister Ehud Olmert later apologized, explaining that Avigdon Lieberman had just emerged from a special screening of "Casino Royale."
[] "Thunderball," "Goldfinger," and "You Only Live Twice" are the top-grossing Bond films so far. (USA Today 11/17) Lowest grosser: "From Peoria With Love."
[] For the first time since 1931, an iceberg has been sighted off the coast of New Zealand. (Associated Press 11/18) Oceanographers immediately named it the "Katherine Harris."
[] Parents in Shiloh, Illinois are seeking a ban on "And Tango Makes Three," a childrens book about two male penguins who adopt an orphaned penguin. (Associated Press 11/18) The two met while working as choreographers on "Happy Feet."
[] Seven hundred passengers aboard Carnival's cruise ship Liberty came down with the flu-like novovirus. (Associated Press 11/17) They were immediately transferred to the Liberty's sister ship, the Montezuma's Revenge.
[] A body builder was ejected from a Planet Fitness Gym for excessive grunting while lifting weights. (New York Times 11/18) He was bench-pressing his girlfriend, Heather.
[] Whitney Houston's $1.4 million, five bedroom home in Atlanta has been forclosed. (Associated Press 11/28) You inhale a couple of mortgage payments and ----
[] Mel Gibson was named "coldest person in Hollywood" by Film Threat.com. (Associated Press 11/18) Coldest uncircumcised person.
[] Bush tells an audience in Hanoi that "we won the Vietnam war." (Associated Press 11/18) Due in no small part to his military service there.
[] The F.D.A. has approved silicone breast implants, ending a 14-year ban. (Associated Press 11/18) Also, the use of the term "silicone valley" for any residual cleavage.
[] Hawaii has banned smoking in or within 20 feet of restaurants, bars, lobbies, offices, arenas, stadiums and airports. (USA Today 11/17) Or within ten feet of Don Ho.
[] China will test all food to be eaten by Beijing Games athletes with white mice. (USA Today 11/17) Canaries for those in underground events.
[] Ohio State's Troy Smith and Notre Dame's Brady Quinn are front runners for this year's Heisman Trophy. (USA Today1 1/17) And to add to the suspense, they're both dating the same girl.
[] TMX Elmo and Sony's Play Station 3 are expected to lead in toy sales this Christmas. (USA Today 11/17) Expected to tank at the cash register: Tyco's "How I Did It" O.J. action figure (knife and glove optional).
[] Moms stage a "nurse-in" after a woman was removed from a Delta flight for breast feeding. (USA Today 11/17) Flight attendants didn't want the other passengers to see someone enjoying a tasty meal.
[] Before the Iraq war began, Bush estimated its cost at $50-60 billion. The war is now expected to end up costing $600 billion. (USA Today 11/17) Not to mention both houses of Congress and his legacy.
[] The Postal Service has reduced to five years the length of time a person must be dead before appearing on a stamp. (USA Today 11/16) Which means Keith Richards will qualify next April.
Newsweek Magazine says Rove was so confident of victory, he planned to convene a panel of Republican political scientists to determine why the polls were so wrong. (MSNBC 11/13) Instead, he's convened a panel of Republican proctologists to examine his newly-reamed anal receptor.
Says Joe Klein in Time Magazine: "Bush's decision to delay the sacking of Rumsfeld until after the election will undoubtedly stand as one of his greatest mistakes." (Time Magazine 11/20) Second only to saying "I do" on January 20, 2000.
Rumsfeld is considering various employment options following his tenure as Defense Secretary. (USA Today 11/10) He'll probably accept a professorship at West Point teaching Shock & Awe 1-A.
Bush is visiting Asia this week, stopping first in Vietnam. (CBS News 11/14) Until now, his closest contact with Hanoi has been his hatred of Jane Fonda.
Trent Lott has been chosen the GOP's new minority whip. (MSNBC 11/12) A shoo-in. He may be a Klansman, but you have to admit, he's never molested anyone.
Ohio University has removed disgraced congressman Bob Ney's name from a building on campus. (USA Today 11/15) All is not lost, however. In Bob's honor, the rugby team has been renamed the Douche Bags.
Gerald Ford has passed Ronald Reagan as the US president who has lived the longest. (Los Angeles Times 11/12) And he's still remarkably spry for his age. He remembers everything except pardoning Nixon.
The US Department of Agriculture refers to mass hunger in its official documents as "food insecurity." (USA Today 11/16) Their verbs for voluntary starvation are "to moss" or "to flockhart."
The "Virtual Global Task Force" is a new international police unit formed to track down internet pedophiles. (USA Today 11/16) So far, all their leads have led to the Vatican.
A judge in Batavia, Illinois has refused to halt a high school production of
"Fuggegeddaboutit ---- A Little Mob Comedy" after the Order of the Sons of Italy protested. (USA Today 11/16) Nothing new here. Last year, they produced a takeoff on "Grease" called "Greaseball."
Eli Sherman, founder of the Jewish Sports Hall of Fame has passed away at 74. (Los Angeles Times 11/15) Which has two members ---- Hank Greenberg and Sandy Koufax.
Robert B. McCurry, the Chrysler executive who invented the rebate, has died. (USA Today 11/15) His family has already already mailed in proof of his funeral expenses attached to his death certificate.
Texas Tech coach Bobby Knight insists he was "lifting Michael Prince's chin, not slapping him." (USA Today 11/15) You know, like George Patton lifted the chin of that shell shocked private.
A UCLA study shows that film production is the second leading cause of air pollution in the Los Angeles basin. (USA Today 11/15) First place goes to the three major television networks' script departments.
Black Christmas trees are all the rage this holiday season. (USA Today 11/15) So much so, there's a shortage of skulls to hang on them.
The Marine Corps' "Toys For Tots" program has reconsidered after turning down a donation of 4000 "speaking" Jesus dolls. (USA Today 11/15) Problem was, the little guy speaks in rap.
Ernestine Galbreth, co-author of "Cheaper By the Dozen," which spurred the 1950 film starring Clifton Webb and the 2003 remake with Steve Martin, has died. (Time Magazine 11/20) A planned sequel, "Cheaper By the Baker's Dozen," never materialized.
Head of Germany's Secret Police during World War II, Marcus Wolf, suave spymaster known as "the man without a face," has died at age 83. (Time Magazine 11/20) Not to be confused with Michael Jackson, known as "the face without a man."
Wal Mart will soon begin selling wine. (CBS News 11/14) As soon as they can figure out how to produce it in a sweatshop.
Divers off the coast of Spain have discovered clay jugs that held a shipment of fish sauce bound for the Roman Empire in the first century. (USA Today 11/14) Some with their labels still attached ---- "Benihana of Thebes."
KFC's Colonel Sanders has shed his white coat for an apron ---- only the company's fourth logo change in 50 years. (USA Today 11/14) Last one was when they took the axe out of his hand.
China will soon enforce a "one dog per family" policy. (USA Today 11/13) That's "per family," mind you, not "per meal."
A list of World War II veterans in a Taylor County, Georgia government building is broken down into "Whites" and "Blacks." (USA Today 11/13) The whites are further broken down into "light" rednecks and "dark" rednecks.
Andy Griffith has sued Harold Fenrick for changing his name to Andrew Griffith to run for sheriff of Madison, Wisconsin. (Associated Press 11/12) Luckily, Harold's son, Opie, is a lawyer.
Former pitcher Dwight Gooden was released from prison after serving nine months of a year's sentence for a parole violation. (Cable News Network 10/9) The judge decided to pull him when it was clear he was tiring and losing his stuff.
Denise Richards, filming a movie in Canada, threw a laptop off a balcony at a photographer who was stalking her. (Cable News Network 11/09) Luckly, Denise had purchased the Toshiba "Lensbuster 9000."
The airlines are currently losing 33% more luggage than last year. (New York Times 11/12) On the plus side, passengers are now allowed to buy duty-free clothes.
The United Nations has voted Norway the "Best nation to live in," followed by Finland and Australia. The US ranked eighth after Ireland, Sweden, Canada and Japan. (USA Today 11/10) On the plus side, America was named "Best banana republic to live in."
Tests at the National Marine Laboratory in Sarasota, Florida indicate that manatees may be a lot more intelligent than previously believed. (Associated Press 11/11) This may not mean much to you, but the Bushes are ecstatic.
The state of Texas has executed 24 people so far this year. (USA Today 11/10) In fact, they have an offer on the table to do Saddam.
The pope has convened a summit to discuss removing the ban on married priests. (USA Today 11/14) To replace the traditional hair shirt.
Rumsfeld fired! (ABC News 11/8) He actually resigned, according to Karl Rove, "to spend more time with his family" .... and with the lawyers preparing for his war crimes trial.
Senator Rick Santorum, who once equated homosexuality with beastiality, was soundly defeated for reelection in a landslide. (Cable News Network 11/7) Due mainly to his last minute loss of support from the National Association for the Advancement of Buggery.
Dennis Hastert says he won't seek a leadership position in his party when Congress reconvenes. (USA Today 11/8) Denny will be too busy trying to extract the samurai sword Bush sent him.
_________________________________________________
Biblical Drivel...
Despite threats of a boycott by non-Christian groups, Wal Mart will return to using the word "Christmas" this holiday season. (USA Today 11/9) They have agreed, however, to replace the baby Jesus in their nativity scene with a non-denominational African orphan they rented from Madonna.
Catholic bishops have approved a directory of "doctrinally correct hymns." (USA Today 11/9) Among which are the perennial favorites "The Immaculate Conception Blues," "Rising From the Dead is Hard to Do", "Don't Go Changin' Water Into Wine For Me," and "He's Not Heavy, He's My Altar Boy."
The Vatican has asked officials in Israel to cancel the gay pride parade in Jerusalem because it's "demeaning to Christians." (USA Today 11/9) Real reason: the pope doesn't want priests taking all that time off.
Pentacostal pastor shuts down "Jesus Camp" after being exposed in a documentary brainwashing children. (USA Today 11/8) It will be converted into a rehab center to be named after Ted Haggard.
_________________________________________________
Show Biz Buzz...
The wrapper on Al Gore's new DVD "An Inconvenient Truth" can, if planted and watered, produce basil. (USA Today 11/8) It's not widely known that Al invented basil shortly after he invented the internet.
After 30 years of "Come on down!", Bob Barker will retire from "The Price Is Right" in June. (Time Magazine 11/13) As to what he'll do in retirement, he's still groping for an answer.
Britney Spears has filed for divorce from Kevin Federline. (USA Today 11/8) On the grounds of "irreconcilable bad career decisions."
A judge has dismissed a defamation lawsuit filed by Britney Spears against US Weekly. (USA Today 11/17) Citing the time-honored legal principle of "Separation of Slut and Reputation."
_________________________________________________
Locker Room With a View...
Penn State football coach Joe Paterno was upended by a player and broke his leg on the sidelines during a game against Wisconsin. (USA Today 11/7) Before he hit the turf, four Penn State pre-law students handed him their cards.
Tiger Woods has announced that he'll form a company to design golf courses worldwide. (USA Today 11/7) Which he vows will build more courses than Jack Nicholaus's company.
John Daly suffered through his worst year on the pro tour with one win and earnings of only $192,134 ---- files for divorce from his wife Sherrie. (USA Today 11/8) Worse, he's lost his main endorsement ---- Annhauser-Busch.
Figure skater Michelle Kwan has been named to a non-salaried US ambassadorship. (USA Today 11/8) Replacing the Bush administration- appointed Tonya Harding.
_________________________________________________
Science Undigested ...
A Berlin-based research group has ranked Finland "the least corrupt country in the world." (USA Today 11/7) But not for long. Tom DeLay is threatening to build a retirement home in Helsinki.
Giant snails that escaped from a cargo ship in 2000 and have been multiplying ever since are destroying crops all across the Caribbean island of Barbados. (USA Today 11/9) Careless chefs at the popular fast food chain "El Pollo Escargot" are being blamed for the disaster.
_________________________________________________
Board Room Banter...
Imelda Marcos has founded a company that will produce a line of affordable fashion jewelry. (USA Today 11/7) Beginning with the "Moonlight Over Corregidor" Collection.
US and British researchers from Cambridge University and M.I.T. have designed a virtually silent passenger jet that could be in service by 2015. (USA Today 11/7) Sooner if they can figure out a faster way to wind up the giant rubber band.
FED EX has blamed production delays for canceling its 380-Airbus order ---- switching to Boeing 777's. (USA Today 11/8) Which are easier to double-park.
_________________________________________________
"Praze Dee Lawd..."
Head of the National Association of Evangelicals, pastor of New Life Church, presidential advisor Ted Haggard ousted after 3-year "gay-for-pay" relationship with a male prostitute is revealed. (NBC News 11/2) Looks like the "gel" in evangelical stands for KY Jelly... No doubt, Ted will enter a rehab program, but experts agree that evangelicalism is one of the toughest addictions to conquer.
Here are some danger signs issued by the Atlanta Synod that your pastor may be following in Ted's sandal prints:
1) Uses the King Jamie version of the bible
2) Holds choir practice at Chippendale's
3) Is constantly rearranging the pews
4) Likes to do everything in tongues
5) Insists there was a 13th apostle named Kyle
Former Pentagon advisor Richard Pearle blames Bush for "huge mistakes," calling his national security advisors "among the most incompetent teams in the post WWII era." (USA Today 11/3) On the plus side, he thinks Bush has done a bangup job "keeping the twins off the sauce."
John McEnroe beat Bjorn Borg in an exhibition singles match in Dubai. (USA Today 11/3) Highlighting the "AARP-Sun City-Viagra-Nexium-Depends Open."
Iran test fires a missile capable of reaching Israel. (USA Today 11/3) It's designed to destroy everything except delis.
Paul McCartney and Heather Mills have hired Charles and Diana's lawyers to battle over a $1.5 billion fortune. (USA Today 11/3) You can be sure Heather won't be taking a limo ride anytime soon.
"When I see those 'Girls Gone Wild' videos, it makes me glad my daughters never went to college." Roseanne (HBO 11/4)
Neil Patrick Harris, TV's Doogie Howser, M.D., told People Magazine he's gay. (USA Today 11/4) But he denied ever giving Ted Haggard a massage.
A school bus driver in Seattle was fired after giving Bush the finger as his motorcade passed. (USA Today 11/2) She told authorities she was just trying to prepare him for Tuesday.
Miss Great Britain was decrowned after admitting that she slept with one of the judges. (USA Today 11/3) Pageant officials advised Danielle Lloyd to apply to American Idol where such behavior is tolerated.
The first Catholic cathedral built in the US has reopened in Baltimore after a $34 million restoration. (Associated Press 11/5) With updated ammenities including criminal defense lawyer conference rooms and a separate entrance for process servers.
"Gray's Anatomy" star T. R. Knight has admitted being gay. (Time Magazine 11/6) Which was the biggest shock at a network since Paul Lynde outed himself on "Hollywood Squares."
"I hate getting old. I'm dry where I'm supposed to be wet and wet where I'm supposed to be dry. And I multi-task. I pee when I sneeze." Roseanne (HBO 11/4)
"Honk if You're Innocent... "
"Death vans" visit villages in China to perform lethal injections for offenses from tax evasion and smuggling to government corruption. (USA Today 11/2) Between injections, the driver doubles as a Good Humor man.
Ann Coulter faces prosecution for voter fraud for casting a ballot in the wrong precinct. (USA Today 11/2) She voted in Warlock Township when she actually lives in the Village of Bubble Bubble Toil and Trouble.
Thirty percent of New Yorkers don't own a car. (USA Today 11/2) Worse, 12% of those lack a middle finger to hail a cab.
A GOP lawmaker in Florida resigned after being convicted of leaving obscene racial slurs on a colleague's voice mail. (USA Today 11/2) And violating the Republicans' time-honored tradition of sexually explicit e-mails.
The Catholic group CaAction.com advises Catholics on how to vote based on bans on euthanasia, stem cell research, human cloning and homosexual marriage they claim appear in the Catechism. (USA Today 11/2) Which they're still combing to find a pedophilia loophole.
NASCAR driver Robby Gordon was disciplined for tossing trash on the track during the Bass Pro Shops 500 in Atlanta. (USA Today 11/2) Not to be confused with the trash watching the race.
N.B.C. has canceled the highly touted "Kidnapped." (USA Today 11/2) After too many viewers sent them a ransom note by not tuning in.
Marilyn Monroe's pantaloons are among personal items up for auction at Bonham's in London. (USA Today 11/2) Along with several garter belts Tony Curtis wore in "Some Like It Hot."
Harvard Med researchers found that the chemical "restueratrol" found in red wine may extend life. (USA Today 11/2) They stumbled on this after several extraordinarily healthy mice were discovered living on Charles Shaw Cabernet Sauvignon at Trader Joes.
A little past cocaine use is okay says LAPD recruiters----but not meth or heroin. (USA Today 11/2) Which pretty much dashes the law enforcement career hopes of Courtney Love.
Martha Stewart will be a celebrity chef on Yahoo Food. (USA Today 11/2)Martha's first segment will cover several holiday variations of slop and gruel she learned in stir.
Barbie is teaming with trendy M-A-C Cosmetics to hype provocative products like "Encounter" and "Night Affair." (USA Today 11/2) G.I Joe will help sell mens' cologne like "Iraqi Tent" and "Evening in Kabul."
K.F.C. will replace trans fats with healthier soybean oil. (USA Today 10/30) They've already replaced their popular "Bucket o' Grease" with the "Tub o' Health."
New F.B.I. crime report says the most dangerous city in America is St. Louis. (USA Today 10/30) Home of valet car jackings.
A new CNN poll shows that 51% of Americans believe the US can never win in Iraq. (Cable News Network 10/30) About the same percentage who believe that Rosie can never really replace Star Jones on "The View."
Bob Barker has announced that he'll depart "The Price is Right" next June. (USA Today 11/1) The network let him guess the month without going over.
Zugat's annual list of America's top restaurants places New York's "Le Bernadin" and San Francisco's "Gary Danko" first and second. (USA Today 10/31) Missing the list by the width of a French fry were Houston's "Spleen-On-a-Stick" and "Hooter's Nipple World" in Peoria.
The Pentagon will replace the Humvee with the $750,000 Buffalo, a v-bottomed vehicle impervious to roadside bombs. (USA Today 10/31) The civilian version has already been ordered by several rappers.
The American Red Cross vows to rid itself of ill-qualified presidential appointees to restore its image tarnished by its Katrina response. (USA Today 10/31) And will now offer a wider selection of donuts at disaster sites.
The federal Administration of Children and Families will fund programs that promote sexual abstinence up to age 29. (USA Today 10/31) Which will include distribution of condoms with imbedded audio chips that say "Is this really necessary?" as the condom is unrolled.
That soldier missing in Iraq is now believed to have married his Iraqi girlfriend. (USA Today 10/30) Now he'll have to face his C.O. AND his mother-in-law.
The World Music Awards will present Michael Jackson with the "Diamond Award" for selling 100 million albums. (USA Today 10/30) And for paying $100 million in pedophile suit settlements.
"The CBS Evening News With Katie Couric" has dropped to third place in the ratings. (USA Today 10/30) Due primarily to the loss of her endorsement from the American Association of Incessant Perkiness.
The Army has blamed its failure to notify families of seven soldiers of their cause of death in Iraq on "the fog of war." (USA Today 10/31) Also the cause of them being sent there in the first place on "the fog of president."
Stolichnaya Vodka seeks to attract gay and lesbian drinkers with a one-hour documentary on the LOGO channel entitled "Be Real: Stories From Queer America." (USA Today 10/26) Narrated by Mark Foley.
Neilsen ratings for the World Series were the lowest since televising the games began. (USA Today 10/26) Desperate by game three, Fox hyped it as a reality show and renamed it "Lost: The Series."
Teens in El Dorado, Kansas must submit to drug testing before being allowed to park on campus. (USA Today 10/28) The new rule was first implemented at Paris Hilton Middle School.
The National Animal Identification System will require all farmers and ranchers to register their livestock. (USA Today 10/28) So far, the Bush administration has refused to grant amnesty to animals from Mexico.
The NBA has issued new rules covering attire allowed on the court during games. (USA Today 10/28) Uniforms must be stylish, loose-fitting and tattoo-friendly.
Parcels packed with cocaine washed up on the shoreline near Lisbon. (USA Today 10/26) Looks like Whitney Houston isn't taking any chances with Customs.
A new survey shows that 6% of air travelers last year found romance with strangers during their flight. (USA Today 10/26) A third of those without leaving their seat.
ABC's "Desperate Housewives" has halted its season two ratings plunge, leveling out in season three. (USA Today 10/26) The show has been renamed "Comfortably Ensconced Housewives.
Naomi Campbell was arrested in London after scuffling with another woman. (ABC News 10/26) She was unarmed, but under British law, a model's knees are considered lethal weapons.
The Vatican has agreed to pay $10 million to seven boys sexually abused in the diocese of Los Angeles. (Los Angeles Daily News 10/27) The Father and the Son caved early but the Holy Ghost was the sole holdout.
Jimmy Stewart is the thirteenth honoree in the Postal Service's "Legends of Hollywood" stamp series. (Associated Press 10/26) Next up is their "Drumbeat of Druggies" series featuring Janice Joplin, Jimi Hendrix, John Balushi and Chris Farley.
British heavy metal rockers Black Sabbath have reunited with a new name: "Heaven and Hell." (USA Today 10/26) Following the rebirth of Earth, Wind and Fire as "Asbestos, Lead and Mercury."
Catholic bishops adopt new rules more accepting of gays and allowing them to "reveal their tendencies only to friends, family and their priest." (New York Times 8/29) An eccleasiastical version of "Don't Ask, Don't Tell"----"Don't Bless, Do Confess."
Los Angeles will spend $1.9 million to install intersection cameras. (Los Angeles Daily News 10/26) The ones in Hollywood are more expensive because they come with a boom mike.
Last week marked the 120th birthday of the Statue of Liberty. (CBS News 10/27) Whose torch has been out since Bush abolished the Writ of Habeas Corpus.
The Iraq war is costing the Bush administration $4 billion a week. (CBS News 10/26) A hundred million just to bribe the generals to say we're winning it.
The Centers for Disease Control recommends frequent hand-washing during the flu season. (CBS News 10/26) More often if shaking hands with congressmen, tobacco company executives, or lawyers.
A survey of costume-makers shows that Osama bin Laden and Mark Foley were top sellers this Halloween. (USA Today 10/26) Followed by Bush and Condoleezza Rice dressed as Hitler and Eva Braun.
Dick Clark has put his career memorabelia up for auction. (Associated Press 10/29) Ed McMahon is expected to fetch well into four figures.
Harrison Ford has announced his willingness to star in another Indiana Jones film. (Los Angeles Daily News 10/29) "Indiana Jones and the Search for the Lost Viagra Mine."
Marauding rioters in France fire-bombed 277 cars and busses. (Associated Press 10/29) Using what are called over there "incindiare explosione a la improvization."
Forty percent of scientists now working for the government say they're looking for other jobs because of Bush administration ethics that inhibit research. (Associated Press 10/29) Some say they may even apply at tobacco companies.
Fidel Castro appeared on Cuban TV to dispel recent rumors of his death. (Associated Press 10/29) He insists he's healthier than Cheney.
The pope told a group of Irish bishops that Catholics "continue to regard their clergy with affection and esteem." (Associated Press 10/29) As long as they keep their hands where everyone can see them.
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THE LAUGH MAKERS: A Leonard Maltin "Top 20" Year End Pick!
DOLORES HOPE MEDLEY
DOLORES HOPE "Silver Bells" (with Bob)
BOB HOPE'S 1983 U.S. COLLEGE CAMPUS TOUR: Your Alma Mater Here?
"Having spent twenty years writing for the indefatigable Bob Hope, and traveling all over the world, Bob Mills is well qualified to salute the famous corps of gag men who kept the comedian knee-deep in jokes. These first-hand recollections summon up the final phase of Hope’s career—and the end of the trail for an entire brand of show business."
http://www.leonardmaltin.com/2009YearEndBookSurvey.htm
http://www.leonardmaltin.com/2009YearEndBookSurvey.htm
Even Animals Love "THE YouTube WORLDWIDE NEWS"!
THE LAUGH MAKERS is now on KINDLE! (And Kindle equipped devices)
Download THE LAUGH MAKERS to your Kindle within one minute (for $2.99) by clicking on this link:
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WakiLeaks: History Declassified 2000 (Vol. One) is now available on Kindle for $2.99
Compiled from Bob's newsletter "Funnyside Up" published in 2000. This is a yuck and chuckle-filled stroll down memory lane to a time before the Bush administration had inflicted its damage -- a time before the search for WMDs and Osama bin Laden. See what we were laughing at back then, who was in the news and who had yet to enter rehab -- which NFL stars had yet to do time in the Gray Bar Hotel.
http://www.amazon.com/dp/B004IZLXIQ
http://www.amazon.com/dp/B0041D9EPO
And if you're not yet a Kindle owner, when you purchase your new lower-priced Kindle with a capacity of 3500 books, be sure to sign up for our daily blog so you won't miss one issue of the web's most entertaining and insightful comments on the day's events... or a single serialized installment of THE LAUGH MAKERS. Order your Kindle today!
WakiLeaks: History Declassified 2000 (Vol. One) is now available on Kindle for $2.99
Compiled from Bob's newsletter "Funnyside Up" published in 2000. This is a yuck and chuckle-filled stroll down memory lane to a time before the Bush administration had inflicted its damage -- a time before the search for WMDs and Osama bin Laden. See what we were laughing at back then, who was in the news and who had yet to enter rehab -- which NFL stars had yet to do time in the Gray Bar Hotel.
http://www.amazon.com/dp/B004IZLXIQ