Suicide Bomber

[] Seinfeld's Kramer, Michael Richards, responded to hecklers at Hollywood's Laugh Factory with racial epithets, invective and multiple repetitions of the "n word." (CBS News 11/20) His uncharacteristic outburst prompted these responses:

John Kerry: "Everybody botches a joke now and then."
Sen. Trent Lott: "He was just paying tribute to trees and ropes."
George Bush: "I didn't even like him when he was a Rolling Stone."
Mel Gibson: "Obviously, the Jews had something to do with it."
Paris Hilton: "At least he didn't try to drive afterward."

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[] Protesters jeered Bush's arrival in Indonesia. (USA Today 11/20) He thanked them for making him feel at home.

[] Bush daughter Barbara was the victim of a purse snatcher while visiting Buenos Aires. (ABC News 11/22) Just a few bucks in it, but it had all her personal items----tooth brush, credit cards, makeup, church key, cork screw, breathalyzer...

[] Troops in Iraq will be issued fire-retardant Nomex suits to protect them from IED explosions. (USA Today 11/22) The Pentagon figured they should at least be as safe as a NASCAR driver in the midst of moonshine-swilling hillbillies in the pits at the Firecracker 500.

[] Henry Kissinger told the BBC that "It's impossible to win in Iraq." (USA Today 11/20) Well, they think that's what he said. He may have said "It was impossible to get Peggy Lee in the sack."

[] The number of babies born by Caesarian section rose 46% over the last ten years. (USA Today 11/22) A rate that seems to be, no pun intended, going through the roof.

[] Three Muslin clerics were removed from a US Airways flight after praying in the Minneapolis-St. Paul airport lobby before boarding. (USA Today 11/22) Problem was, instead of using prayer rugs, they knelt on Hari Krishnas.

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[] This year's Cat Fanciers Association cat show will, for the first time, include an agility course. (USA Today 11/21) Other events include the 200 Meter Couch Shredding Medley Relay, the Hairball Shot Put and the Food Rejection Triathlon.

[] MADD has launched a campaign to require all new cars to come equipped with an ignition-connected breathalyzer. (USA Today 11/20) The most popular device, made in Israel, is called "the Gibson."

[] Church leaders often cite Leviticus 18 to condemn homosexuality: "You shall not lie with a man as with a woman; it is an abomination." (USA Today 11/20) Problem is, three lines later, it condemns eating catfish.

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Bereft on the Left will be back in a moment, but first, this important message...

You're in for a fun read if you haven't sampled Bob's online book entitled "HOPE WRITER: My Life Inside Bob Hope's Comedy Factory." It's chock full of backstage stories and celebrity anecdotes from the author's seventeen years "on the road" with Hope and it's audio-illustrated by Odeo.com. Now you can hear the classic songs, sketches and comedy routines that made Hope TV specials so unique. That golden era may be gone, but the memories linger on at:

www.hope-writer.blogspot.com

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[] The nation's highest paid university president is Wilmington College's Audrey Duberstein who receives $2.7 million annually. (USA Today 11/20) But most important, she's guaranteed a parking place.

[] House Ways & Means committee chairman Charlie Rangel will introduce a bill to reinstate the military draft. (USA Today 11/20) To provide future generations of Bushs something to duck.

[] Senator John Kerry insists that his "botched joke" will not deter him from seeking the 2008 Democratic presidential nomination. (USA Today 11/20) Although his out-of-touch, Back Bay, Yalie, snob-dominated, Sperry Topsider and chinos sensibilities may.

[] Rangers at Custer State Park in South Dakota conducted their 41st annual bison auction, selling 213 buffalos. (USA Today 11/20) Potential bidders had to provide viable evidence that they would provide them new homes with plenty of deer and antelope at play.

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[] Following a nationwide trend among law enforcement agencies, the Virginia State Police will replace all of their "10-4" radio codes with ordinary speech. (USA Today 11/20) Besides the "Read you loud and clear" code made popular by Brodrick Crawford on Highway Patrol, other favorites include "10-20": "What is your location?" and "10-80": "I just spotted OJ and he's carrying a bloody knife."

[] The American Federation of Government Employees wants to unionize the nation's 45,000 airport screeners. (USA Today 11/20) Which makes sense. Do you want to give someone making minimum wage unlimited access to your privates?

[] More than 3000 orthodox rabbis have gathered in Brooklyn for an international conference. (USA Today 11/20) Top item on their agenda will be trying to adopt a uniform bris protocol.

[] "Happy Feet," featuring dancing penguins, outgrossed "Casino Royale" on their opening weekend. (USA Today 11/20) Moviegoers had to decide who they wanted to watch dressed in tuxedos.

[] The US Treasury Department has unveiled their new $1 gold coin. (USA Today 11/20) Will it eventually replace the paper bill? It's a tossup.

[] FedEx, UPS, DHL and the Postal Service are the nation's largest airborne shippers. (USA Today 11/20) Delta, too, if you count misdirected luggage.

[] The Fox News channel will offer a weekly, conservative-leaning, half hour show that will target "the sacred cows of the left." (USA Today 11 21) Fox has agreed to pick up the tab for Bill O'Reilly's sense-of-humor transplant.

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[] Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes were married in the Odescazchi Castle in Bracciano, Italy in a former stable decorated simply with white flowers. (Associated Press 11/19) Beside the rough-hewn manger in which Tom was born.

[] Katie wore a fitted off-the-shoulder ivory silk bridal gown adorned in Valenciennes lace and Swarovski beaded crystal embroidery featuring a delicate crinoline frill at the shoulders and a silk soleil border around the hem with an ivory tulle floor-length veil and ivory silk shoes. (Associated Press 11/19) Tom showed up in an off-the-rack seersucker suit from Ross Dress For Less.

[] The twenty minute ceremony ended with a never-ending kiss that prompted some guests to shout "Stop! Stop!" (Associated Press 11/19) Much as they do when Tom threatens to make another "Mission Impossible" sequel.

[] For the wedding reception, Holmes changed into an asymetric champagne Georgio Armani Prive evening dress of silk organza decorated in Swarovski crystal beads. (Associated Press 11/19) After cutting the five-tiered chocolate layer cake, the bride tossed her bouquet which was caught by Pope Benedict XVI.

[] Israel's deputy prime minister says Palestinian leaders should be assassinated. (Associated Press 11/19) Prime Minister Ehud Olmert later apologized, explaining that Avigdon Lieberman had just emerged from a special screening of "Casino Royale."

[] "Thunderball," "Goldfinger," and "You Only Live Twice" are the top-grossing Bond films so far. (USA Today 11/17) Lowest grosser: "From Peoria With Love."

[] For the first time since 1931, an iceberg has been sighted off the coast of New Zealand. (Associated Press 11/18) Oceanographers immediately named it the "Katherine Harris."

[] Parents in Shiloh, Illinois are seeking a ban on "And Tango Makes Three," a childrens book about two male penguins who adopt an orphaned penguin. (Associated Press 11/18) The two met while working as choreographers on "Happy Feet."

[] Seven hundred passengers aboard Carnival's cruise ship Liberty came down with the flu-like novovirus. (Associated Press 11/17) They were immediately transferred to the Liberty's sister ship, the Montezuma's Revenge.

[] A body builder was ejected from a Planet Fitness Gym for excessive grunting while lifting weights. (New York Times 11/18) He was bench-pressing his girlfriend, Heather.

[] Whitney Houston's $1.4 million, five bedroom home in Atlanta has been forclosed. (Associated Press 11/28) You inhale a couple of mortgage payments and ----

[] Mel Gibson was named "coldest person in Hollywood" by Film Threat.com. (Associated Press 11/18) Coldest uncircumcised person.

[] Bush tells an audience in Hanoi that "we won the Vietnam war." (Associated Press 11/18) Due in no small part to his military service there.

[] The F.D.A. has approved silicone breast implants, ending a 14-year ban. (Associated Press 11/18) Also, the use of the term "silicone valley" for any residual cleavage.

[] Hawaii has banned smoking in or within 20 feet of restaurants, bars, lobbies, offices, arenas, stadiums and airports. (USA Today 11/17) Or within ten feet of Don Ho.

[] China will test all food to be eaten by Beijing Games athletes with white mice. (USA Today 11/17) Canaries for those in underground events.

[] Ohio State's Troy Smith and Notre Dame's Brady Quinn are front runners for this year's Heisman Trophy. (USA Today1 1/17) And to add to the suspense, they're both dating the same girl.

[] TMX Elmo and Sony's Play Station 3 are expected to lead in toy sales this Christmas. (USA Today 11/17) Expected to tank at the cash register: Tyco's "How I Did It" O.J. action figure (knife and glove optional).

[] Moms stage a "nurse-in" after a woman was removed from a Delta flight for breast feeding. (USA Today 11/17) Flight attendants didn't want the other passengers to see someone enjoying a tasty meal.

[] Before the Iraq war began, Bush estimated its cost at $50-60 billion. The war is now expected to end up costing $600 billion. (USA Today 11/17) Not to mention both houses of Congress and his legacy.

[] The Postal Service has reduced to five years the length of time a person must be dead before appearing on a stamp. (USA Today 11/16) Which means Keith Richards will qualify next April.

Newsweek Magazine says Rove was so confident of victory, he planned to convene a panel of Republican political scientists to determine why the polls were so wrong. (MSNBC 11/13) Instead, he's convened a panel of Republican proctologists to examine his newly-reamed anal receptor.

Says Joe Klein in Time Magazine: "Bush's decision to delay the sacking of Rumsfeld until after the election will undoubtedly stand as one of his greatest mistakes." (Time Magazine 11/20) Second only to saying "I do" on January 20, 2000.

Rumsfeld is considering various employment options following his tenure as Defense Secretary. (USA Today 11/10) He'll probably accept a professorship at West Point teaching Shock & Awe 1-A.

Bush is visiting Asia this week, stopping first in Vietnam. (CBS News 11/14) Until now, his closest contact with Hanoi has been his hatred of Jane Fonda.

Trent Lott has been chosen the GOP's new minority whip. (MSNBC 11/12) A shoo-in. He may be a Klansman, but you have to admit, he's never molested anyone.

Ohio University has removed disgraced congressman Bob Ney's name from a building on campus. (USA Today 11/15) All is not lost, however. In Bob's honor, the rugby team has been renamed the Douche Bags.

Gerald Ford has passed Ronald Reagan as the US president who has lived the longest. (Los Angeles Times 11/12) And he's still remarkably spry for his age. He remembers everything except pardoning Nixon.

The US Department of Agriculture refers to mass hunger in its official documents as "food insecurity." (USA Today 11/16) Their verbs for voluntary starvation are "to moss" or "to flockhart."

The "Virtual Global Task Force" is a new international police unit formed to track down internet pedophiles. (USA Today 11/16) So far, all their leads have led to the Vatican.

A judge in Batavia, Illinois has refused to halt a high school production of
"Fuggegeddaboutit ---- A Little Mob Comedy" after the Order of the Sons of Italy protested. (USA Today 11/16) Nothing new here. Last year, they produced a takeoff on "Grease" called "Greaseball."

Eli Sherman, founder of the Jewish Sports Hall of Fame has passed away at 74. (Los Angeles Times 11/15) Which has two members ---- Hank Greenberg and Sandy Koufax.

Robert B. McCurry, the Chrysler executive who invented the rebate, has died. (USA Today 11/15) His family has already already mailed in proof of his funeral expenses attached to his death certificate.

Texas Tech coach Bobby Knight insists he was "lifting Michael Prince's chin, not slapping him." (USA Today 11/15) You know, like George Patton lifted the chin of that shell shocked private.

A UCLA study shows that film production is the second leading cause of air pollution in the Los Angeles basin. (USA Today 11/15) First place goes to the three major television networks' script departments.

Black Christmas trees are all the rage this holiday season. (USA Today 11/15) So much so, there's a shortage of skulls to hang on them.

The Marine Corps' "Toys For Tots" program has reconsidered after turning down a donation of 4000 "speaking" Jesus dolls. (USA Today 11/15) Problem was, the little guy speaks in rap.

Ernestine Galbreth, co-author of "Cheaper By the Dozen," which spurred the 1950 film starring Clifton Webb and the 2003 remake with Steve Martin, has died. (Time Magazine 11/20) A planned sequel, "Cheaper By the Baker's Dozen," never materialized.

Head of Germany's Secret Police during World War II, Marcus Wolf, suave spymaster known as "the man without a face," has died at age 83. (Time Magazine 11/20) Not to be confused with Michael Jackson, known as "the face without a man."

Wal Mart will soon begin selling wine. (CBS News 11/14) As soon as they can figure out how to produce it in a sweatshop.

Divers off the coast of Spain have discovered clay jugs that held a shipment of fish sauce bound for the Roman Empire in the first century. (USA Today 11/14) Some with their labels still attached ---- "Benihana of Thebes."

KFC's Colonel Sanders has shed his white coat for an apron ---- only the company's fourth logo change in 50 years. (USA Today 11/14) Last one was when they took the axe out of his hand.

China will soon enforce a "one dog per family" policy. (USA Today 11/13) That's "per family," mind you, not "per meal."

A list of World War II veterans in a Taylor County, Georgia government building is broken down into "Whites" and "Blacks." (USA Today 11/13) The whites are further broken down into "light" rednecks and "dark" rednecks.

Andy Griffith has sued Harold Fenrick for changing his name to Andrew Griffith to run for sheriff of Madison, Wisconsin. (Associated Press 11/12) Luckily, Harold's son, Opie, is a lawyer.

Former pitcher Dwight Gooden was released from prison after serving nine months of a year's sentence for a parole violation. (Cable News Network 10/9) The judge decided to pull him when it was clear he was tiring and losing his stuff.

Denise Richards, filming a movie in Canada, threw a laptop off a balcony at a photographer who was stalking her. (Cable News Network 11/09) Luckly, Denise had purchased the Toshiba "Lensbuster 9000."

The airlines are currently losing 33% more luggage than last year. (New York Times 11/12) On the plus side, passengers are now allowed to buy duty-free clothes.

The United Nations has voted Norway the "Best nation to live in," followed by Finland and Australia. The US ranked eighth after Ireland, Sweden, Canada and Japan. (USA Today 11/10) On the plus side, America was named "Best banana republic to live in."

Tests at the National Marine Laboratory in Sarasota, Florida indicate that manatees may be a lot more intelligent than previously believed. (Associated Press 11/11) This may not mean much to you, but the Bushes are ecstatic.

The state of Texas has executed 24 people so far this year. (USA Today 11/10) In fact, they have an offer on the table to do Saddam.

The pope has convened a summit to discuss removing the ban on married priests. (USA Today 11/14) To replace the traditional hair shirt.

Rumsfeld fired! (ABC News 11/8) He actually resigned, according to Karl Rove, "to spend more time with his family" .... and with the lawyers preparing for his war crimes trial.

Senator Rick Santorum, who once equated homosexuality with beastiality, was soundly defeated for reelection in a landslide. (Cable News Network 11/7) Due mainly to his last minute loss of support from the National Association for the Advancement of Buggery.

Dennis Hastert says he won't seek a leadership position in his party when Congress reconvenes. (USA Today 11/8) Denny will be too busy trying to extract the samurai sword Bush sent him.

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Biblical Drivel...

Despite threats of a boycott by non-Christian groups, Wal Mart will return to using the word "Christmas" this holiday season. (USA Today 11/9) They have agreed, however, to replace the baby Jesus in their nativity scene with a non-denominational African orphan they rented from Madonna.

Catholic bishops have approved a directory of "doctrinally correct hymns." (USA Today 11/9) Among which are the perennial favorites "The Immaculate Conception Blues," "Rising From the Dead is Hard to Do", "Don't Go Changin' Water Into Wine For Me," and "He's Not Heavy, He's My Altar Boy."

The Vatican has asked officials in Israel to cancel the gay pride parade in Jerusalem because it's "demeaning to Christians." (USA Today 11/9) Real reason: the pope doesn't want priests taking all that time off.

Pentacostal pastor shuts down "Jesus Camp" after being exposed in a documentary brainwashing children. (USA Today 11/8) It will be converted into a rehab center to be named after Ted Haggard.

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Show Biz Buzz...

The wrapper on Al Gore's new DVD "An Inconvenient Truth" can, if planted and watered, produce basil. (USA Today 11/8) It's not widely known that Al invented basil shortly after he invented the internet.

After 30 years of "Come on down!", Bob Barker will retire from "The Price Is Right" in June. (Time Magazine 11/13) As to what he'll do in retirement, he's still groping for an answer.

Britney Spears has filed for divorce from Kevin Federline. (USA Today 11/8) On the grounds of "irreconcilable bad career decisions."

A judge has dismissed a defamation lawsuit filed by Britney Spears against US Weekly. (USA Today 11/17) Citing the time-honored legal principle of "Separation of Slut and Reputation."

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Locker Room With a View...

Penn State football coach Joe Paterno was upended by a player and broke his leg on the sidelines during a game against Wisconsin. (USA Today 11/7) Before he hit the turf, four Penn State pre-law students handed him their cards.

Tiger Woods has announced that he'll form a company to design golf courses worldwide. (USA Today 11/7) Which he vows will build more courses than Jack Nicholaus's company.

John Daly suffered through his worst year on the pro tour with one win and earnings of only $192,134 ---- files for divorce from his wife Sherrie. (USA Today 11/8) Worse, he's lost his main endorsement ---- Annhauser-Busch.

Figure skater Michelle Kwan has been named to a non-salaried US ambassadorship. (USA Today 11/8) Replacing the Bush administration- appointed Tonya Harding.

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Science Undigested ...

A Berlin-based research group has ranked Finland "the least corrupt country in the world." (USA Today 11/7) But not for long. Tom DeLay is threatening to build a retirement home in Helsinki.

Giant snails that escaped from a cargo ship in 2000 and have been multiplying ever since are destroying crops all across the Caribbean island of Barbados. (USA Today 11/9) Careless chefs at the popular fast food chain "El Pollo Escargot" are being blamed for the disaster.

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Board Room Banter...

Imelda Marcos has founded a company that will produce a line of affordable fashion jewelry. (USA Today 11/7) Beginning with the "Moonlight Over Corregidor" Collection.

US and British researchers from Cambridge University and M.I.T. have designed a virtually silent passenger jet that could be in service by 2015. (USA Today 11/7) Sooner if they can figure out a faster way to wind up the giant rubber band.

FED EX has blamed production delays for canceling its 380-Airbus order ---- switching to Boeing 777's. (USA Today 11/8) Which are easier to double-park.

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"Praze Dee Lawd..."

Head of the National Association of Evangelicals, pastor of New Life Church, presidential advisor Ted Haggard ousted after 3-year "gay-for-pay" relationship with a male prostitute is revealed. (NBC News 11/2) Looks like the "gel" in evangelical stands for KY Jelly... No doubt, Ted will enter a rehab program, but experts agree that evangelicalism is one of the toughest addictions to conquer.

Here are some danger signs issued by the Atlanta Synod that your pastor may be following in Ted's sandal prints:

1) Uses the King Jamie version of the bible
2) Holds choir practice at Chippendale's
3) Is constantly rearranging the pews
4) Likes to do everything in tongues
5) Insists there was a 13th apostle named Kyle

Former Pentagon advisor Richard Pearle blames Bush for "huge mistakes," calling his national security advisors "among the most incompetent teams in the post WWII era." (USA Today 11/3) On the plus side, he thinks Bush has done a bangup job "keeping the twins off the sauce."

John McEnroe beat Bjorn Borg in an exhibition singles match in Dubai. (USA Today 11/3) Highlighting the "AARP-Sun City-Viagra-Nexium-Depends Open."

Iran test fires a missile capable of reaching Israel. (USA Today 11/3) It's designed to destroy everything except delis.

Paul McCartney and Heather Mills have hired Charles and Diana's lawyers to battle over a $1.5 billion fortune. (USA Today 11/3) You can be sure Heather won't be taking a limo ride anytime soon.

"When I see those 'Girls Gone Wild' videos, it makes me glad my daughters never went to college." Roseanne (HBO 11/4)

Neil Patrick Harris, TV's Doogie Howser, M.D., told People Magazine he's gay. (USA Today 11/4) But he denied ever giving Ted Haggard a massage.

A school bus driver in Seattle was fired after giving Bush the finger as his motorcade passed. (USA Today 11/2) She told authorities she was just trying to prepare him for Tuesday.

Miss Great Britain was decrowned after admitting that she slept with one of the judges. (USA Today 11/3) Pageant officials advised Danielle Lloyd to apply to American Idol where such behavior is tolerated.

The first Catholic cathedral built in the US has reopened in Baltimore after a $34 million restoration. (Associated Press 11/5) With updated ammenities including criminal defense lawyer conference rooms and a separate entrance for process servers.

"Gray's Anatomy" star T. R. Knight has admitted being gay. (Time Magazine 11/6) Which was the biggest shock at a network since Paul Lynde outed himself on "Hollywood Squares."

"I hate getting old. I'm dry where I'm supposed to be wet and wet where I'm supposed to be dry. And I multi-task. I pee when I sneeze." Roseanne (HBO 11/4)

"Honk if You're Innocent... "

"Death vans" visit villages in China to perform lethal injections for offenses from tax evasion and smuggling to government corruption. (USA Today 11/2) Between injections, the driver doubles as a Good Humor man.

Ann Coulter faces prosecution for voter fraud for casting a ballot in the wrong precinct. (USA Today 11/2) She voted in Warlock Township when she actually lives in the Village of Bubble Bubble Toil and Trouble.

Thirty percent of New Yorkers don't own a car. (USA Today 11/2) Worse, 12% of those lack a middle finger to hail a cab.

A GOP lawmaker in Florida resigned after being convicted of leaving obscene racial slurs on a colleague's voice mail. (USA Today 11/2) And violating the Republicans' time-honored tradition of sexually explicit e-mails.

The Catholic group CaAction.com advises Catholics on how to vote based on bans on euthanasia, stem cell research, human cloning and homosexual marriage they claim appear in the Catechism. (USA Today 11/2) Which they're still combing to find a pedophilia loophole.

NASCAR driver Robby Gordon was disciplined for tossing trash on the track during the Bass Pro Shops 500 in Atlanta. (USA Today 11/2) Not to be confused with the trash watching the race.

N.B.C. has canceled the highly touted "Kidnapped." (USA Today 11/2) After too many viewers sent them a ransom note by not tuning in.

Marilyn Monroe's pantaloons are among personal items up for auction at Bonham's in London. (USA Today 11/2) Along with several garter belts Tony Curtis wore in "Some Like It Hot."

Harvard Med researchers found that the chemical "restueratrol" found in red wine may extend life. (USA Today 11/2) They stumbled on this after several extraordinarily healthy mice were discovered living on Charles Shaw Cabernet Sauvignon at Trader Joes.

A little past cocaine use is okay says LAPD recruiters----but not meth or heroin. (USA Today 11/2) Which pretty much dashes the law enforcement career hopes of Courtney Love.

Martha Stewart will be a celebrity chef on Yahoo Food. (USA Today 11/2)Martha's first segment will cover several holiday variations of slop and gruel she learned in stir.

Barbie is teaming with trendy M-A-C Cosmetics to hype provocative products like "Encounter" and "Night Affair." (USA Today 11/2) G.I Joe will help sell mens' cologne like "Iraqi Tent" and "Evening in Kabul."

K.F.C. will replace trans fats with healthier soybean oil. (USA Today 10/30) They've already replaced their popular "Bucket o' Grease" with the "Tub o' Health."

New F.B.I. crime report says the most dangerous city in America is St. Louis. (USA Today 10/30) Home of valet car jackings.

A new CNN poll shows that 51% of Americans believe the US can never win in Iraq. (Cable News Network 10/30) About the same percentage who believe that Rosie can never really replace Star Jones on "The View."

Bob Barker has announced that he'll depart "The Price is Right" next June. (USA Today 11/1) The network let him guess the month without going over.

Zugat's annual list of America's top restaurants places New York's "Le Bernadin" and San Francisco's "Gary Danko" first and second. (USA Today 10/31) Missing the list by the width of a French fry were Houston's "Spleen-On-a-Stick" and "Hooter's Nipple World" in Peoria.

The Pentagon will replace the Humvee with the $750,000 Buffalo, a v-bottomed vehicle impervious to roadside bombs. (USA Today 10/31) The civilian version has already been ordered by several rappers.

The American Red Cross vows to rid itself of ill-qualified presidential appointees to restore its image tarnished by its Katrina response. (USA Today 10/31) And will now offer a wider selection of donuts at disaster sites.

The federal Administration of Children and Families will fund programs that promote sexual abstinence up to age 29. (USA Today 10/31) Which will include distribution of condoms with imbedded audio chips that say "Is this really necessary?" as the condom is unrolled.

That soldier missing in Iraq is now believed to have married his Iraqi girlfriend. (USA Today 10/30) Now he'll have to face his C.O. AND his mother-in-law.

The World Music Awards will present Michael Jackson with the "Diamond Award" for selling 100 million albums. (USA Today 10/30) And for paying $100 million in pedophile suit settlements.

"The CBS Evening News With Katie Couric" has dropped to third place in the ratings. (USA Today 10/30) Due primarily to the loss of her endorsement from the American Association of Incessant Perkiness.

The Army has blamed its failure to notify families of seven soldiers of their cause of death in Iraq on "the fog of war." (USA Today 10/31) Also the cause of them being sent there in the first place on "the fog of president."

Stolichnaya Vodka seeks to attract gay and lesbian drinkers with a one-hour documentary on the LOGO channel entitled "Be Real: Stories From Queer America." (USA Today 10/26) Narrated by Mark Foley.

Neilsen ratings for the World Series were the lowest since televising the games began. (USA Today 10/26) Desperate by game three, Fox hyped it as a reality show and renamed it "Lost: The Series."

Teens in El Dorado, Kansas must submit to drug testing before being allowed to park on campus. (USA Today 10/28) The new rule was first implemented at Paris Hilton Middle School.

The National Animal Identification System will require all farmers and ranchers to register their livestock. (USA Today 10/28) So far, the Bush administration has refused to grant amnesty to animals from Mexico.

The NBA has issued new rules covering attire allowed on the court during games. (USA Today 10/28) Uniforms must be stylish, loose-fitting and tattoo-friendly.

Parcels packed with cocaine washed up on the shoreline near Lisbon. (USA Today 10/26) Looks like Whitney Houston isn't taking any chances with Customs.

A new survey shows that 6% of air travelers last year found romance with strangers during their flight. (USA Today 10/26) A third of those without leaving their seat.

ABC's "Desperate Housewives" has halted its season two ratings plunge, leveling out in season three. (USA Today 10/26) The show has been renamed "Comfortably Ensconced Housewives.

Naomi Campbell was arrested in London after scuffling with another woman. (ABC News 10/26) She was unarmed, but under British law, a model's knees are considered lethal weapons.

The Vatican has agreed to pay $10 million to seven boys sexually abused in the diocese of Los Angeles. (Los Angeles Daily News 10/27) The Father and the Son caved early but the Holy Ghost was the sole holdout.

Jimmy Stewart is the thirteenth honoree in the Postal Service's "Legends of Hollywood" stamp series. (Associated Press 10/26) Next up is their "Drumbeat of Druggies" series featuring Janice Joplin, Jimi Hendrix, John Balushi and Chris Farley.

British heavy metal rockers Black Sabbath have reunited with a new name: "Heaven and Hell." (USA Today 10/26) Following the rebirth of Earth, Wind and Fire as "Asbestos, Lead and Mercury."

Catholic bishops adopt new rules more accepting of gays and allowing them to "reveal their tendencies only to friends, family and their priest." (New York Times 8/29) An eccleasiastical version of "Don't Ask, Don't Tell"----"Don't Bless, Do Confess."

Los Angeles will spend $1.9 million to install intersection cameras. (Los Angeles Daily News 10/26) The ones in Hollywood are more expensive because they come with a boom mike.

Last week marked the 120th birthday of the Statue of Liberty. (CBS News 10/27) Whose torch has been out since Bush abolished the Writ of Habeas Corpus.

The Iraq war is costing the Bush administration $4 billion a week. (CBS News 10/26) A hundred million just to bribe the generals to say we're winning it.

The Centers for Disease Control recommends frequent hand-washing during the flu season. (CBS News 10/26) More often if shaking hands with congressmen, tobacco company executives, or lawyers.

A survey of costume-makers shows that Osama bin Laden and Mark Foley were top sellers this Halloween. (USA Today 10/26) Followed by Bush and Condoleezza Rice dressed as Hitler and Eva Braun.

Dick Clark has put his career memorabelia up for auction. (Associated Press 10/29) Ed McMahon is expected to fetch well into four figures.

Harrison Ford has announced his willingness to star in another Indiana Jones film. (Los Angeles Daily News 10/29) "Indiana Jones and the Search for the Lost Viagra Mine."

Marauding rioters in France fire-bombed 277 cars and busses. (Associated Press 10/29) Using what are called over there "incindiare explosione a la improvization."

Forty percent of scientists now working for the government say they're looking for other jobs because of Bush administration ethics that inhibit research. (Associated Press 10/29) Some say they may even apply at tobacco companies.

Fidel Castro appeared on Cuban TV to dispel recent rumors of his death. (Associated Press 10/29) He insists he's healthier than Cheney.

The pope told a group of Irish bishops that Catholics "continue to regard their clergy with affection and esteem." (Associated Press 10/29) As long as they keep their hands where everyone can see them.

Quagmyra Breckenridge

[] New Bush Iraq war plan calls for "benchmarks" that will dictate the rate of US troop withdrawal. (CBS News 10/22)

So many by Cheney's indictment... so many by Bush's impeachment... so many by Rumsfeld's execution... and so on...

_________________________________________________


[] On-field violence this season is highlighting NFL pileups that are often referred to as "torture chambers." (USA Today 10/26)

On a more positive note, several engagements have resulted.

_________________________________________________


[] Preakness winner Bernardini is an 8-5 favorite to win the Breeders Cup. (USA Today 10/26)

Not to be confused with longtime papal nuncio Pasquale Cardinal Bernardini who is referred to by many of his colleagues as a "pontiff-in-waiting."

_________________________________________________


[] An Israeli jet fired on a German warship patrolling the coast of Lebanon. (USA Today 10/26)

The Germans should have known better than to name it the Bismark.

_________________________________________________


[] And speaking of names, officials in Bangladore, India have renamed it "Bengaluru." (USA Today 10/26)

Which barely edged out "Googleville" and "Toshiba Laptopuru."

_________________________________________________


[] Iraq's top US general Casey says, "'Operation Together Forward' has not met our overall expectations." (USA Today 10/20)

Wait 'til he sees "Operation Impeach the Commander-in-chief."

_________________________________________________


[] New York taxi rates will increase from twenty to forty cents a minute for idle time spent in traffic. (USA Today 10/26)

And the "pickup rejection" symbol will increase from one middle finger to two.

_________________________________________________


[] A new study shows that an average driver could save $396 per year on gasoline expenses by losing 100 pounds. (USA Today 10/25)

Researchers studied Mafia drivers with and without a body in the trunk.

_________________________________________________


[] Shaquille O'Neal, a deputy reserve sheriff, participated in a child porn raid which turned out to be at the wrong home. (USA Today 10/25)

In lieu of a lawsuit, the victims settled for Shaq personally inscribing their mug shots.

_________________________________________________


[] Rush Limbaugh accused Michael J. Fox of "going off his meds" before apopearing in a Democratic campaign commercial. (USA Today 10/25)

Hey, if anyone is an expert on meds, it's Rushbo.

_________________________________________________


[] Cheney tells Limbaugh "If you look at the general overall situation, our troops are doing remarkably well." (Los Angeles Daily News 10/22)

Overall, the Hindenburgh was doing fine, too----and then...

_________________________________________________


Q: What's the Spanish word for "700 mile fence"?

A: Clothesline.

_________________________________________________


[] Mens magazine Maxim will open a chain of steakhouses offering "sexy and sophisticated lighter fare." (USA Today 10/25)

The desserts are displayed on the menu's centerfold.

_________________________________________________


[] Angela Lansbury will return to Broadway after a twenty-two year absence. (Associated Press 10/24)

"S.R.O., She Wrote."

_________________________________________________


[] Two paintings missing from Harvard University for thirty years have been found and returned. (Associated Press 10/24)

Renoir's "Two Little Lambs Who Have Gone Astray" and Van Gogh's "The Table Down at Morrie's."

_________________________________________________


[] The NBA has approved a new, more uniform basketball made of a microfiber composite, replacing leather. (USA Today 10/24)

PETA is up-in-arms, claiming the switch threatens the already engangered South American Mountain Micro.

_________________________________________________


[] Tombs of royal dentists estimated to be 4000 years old have been discovered near Saqqara, Egypt. (Associated Press 10/23)

Believed to be the office of "Painless" Biscuspidamin III.

_________________________________________________


[] Malawian father reverses his consent to Madonna's adoption of his son. (USA Today 10/23)

And she thought Sean Penn gave her a bad time.

_________________________________________________


[] Britions appear to be split over whether Muslim women should be allowed to wear veils in government offices. (USA Today 10/23)

They split about the same as they do on the question of requiring Camilla Parker-Bowles to wear one.

_________________________________________________


[] Pope extends "cordial greetings" to Muslims observing their holy month of Ramadan. (USA Today 10/23)

He went even further and invited several of them over for a toddy on Christmas Eve.

_________________________________________________


[] Frito-Lay unveiled a new line of health-conscious snacks called "Flat Earth." (USA Today 10/23)

Soon to be followed by "Intelligent Design," "UFO" and "Bible Science."

_________________________________________________


[] A high-ranking State Department diplomat says "The US is ready to talk to any group except al Qaida." (Associated Press 10/22)

And possibly that gang on "The View."

_________________________________________________


[] A top State Department diplomat told an Arab news service that "There was arrogance and stupidity from the US in Iraq." (Associated Press 10/22)

He's been reassigned to investigate prisoner abuse at Guantanamo----from the inside.

_________________________________________________


[] Filthy airplanes are becoming the norm as major air carriers outsource routine cleaning to the lowest bidders. (New York Times 10/24)

Passengers on Delta are now issued a pillow, a blanket and a Dirt Devil.

_________________________________________________


[] The GOP has spent more than $3 million to retain the seat of disgraced congressman Bob Ney. (Associated Press 10/22)

Bob has even tossed some of his bribes into the pot.

_________________________________________________


[] A visitor at Crater of Diamonds State Park in Murfreesboro, Arkansas found a 5.47 caret diamond. (Associated Press 10/22)

It was on the finger of another visitor, but still...

_________________________________________________


[] Spoony Singh, founder of the Hollywood Wax Museum died at age 83. (Associated Press 10/22)

Following Indian tradition, Marilyn Monroe, Jayne Mansfield and Dagmar were thrown on his funeral pyre.

_________________________________________________


[] Bush aides insist that he won't retreat from his vision of a united, stable, secure, and democratic Iraq. (Associated Press 10/21)

You know, like we have.

_________________________________________________


[] Keith Urban, new husband of Nicole Kidmen, has checked himself into alcohol rehab. (Associated Press 10/21)

If you were constantly being compared to Tom Cruise, you'd drink too.

_________________________________________________


[] Wesley Snipes has been located in Namibia. (Associated Press 10/21)

Working on his new movie "Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Tax Avoidance But Were Afraid to Ask."

_________________________________________________


[] Haley Joel Osment has been sentenced on drunk driving and drug possession charges. (Associated Press 10/21)

"I see probation officers... "

_________________________________________________


[] NBC will excise the controversial crucifixion scene from Madonna's televised concert from London. (USA Today 10/20)

They don't want to see anyone nailed to a cross---- with the possible exception of Katie Couric.

_________________________________________________


[] The University of Wisconsin has sued Iowa's Waukie High School over their use of the letter "W" as a logo. (USA Today 10/20)

According to reliable sources, Der Weinerschnitzel is next.

_________________________________________________


[] Anheuser-Busch has teamed with rapper Jay-Z to promote Budweiser Select. (USA Today 10/20)

Beer and rap. If ever there was a match made in heaven...

_________________________________________________


[] "When there's more troops present, there's more chance of casualties," said the commander of the US 172nd "Stryker Brigade." (USA Today 10/20)

... 85th "Stating the Patently Obvious Battalion."

_________________________________________________


[] Chief military spokesman in Iraq calls the bloodshed that's raged during October "disheartening." (USA Today 10/20)

Especially for the guys supplying the blood.

_________________________________________________


[] Bush names new chief of the Department of Mine Safety. (USA Today 10/20)

Michael Brown with a canary on his shoulder.

_________________________________________________


[] The traditional brass urns which hold cremated human remains are being replaced by picture frames, pendants, wind chimes, sundials and even Teddy Bears. (USA Today 10/20)

You can even have your loved one turned into a bag of barbecue briquettes.

_________________________________________________

Calorie Countdown

[] A judge postponed the execution of an Ohio death row inmate on the grounds that lethally injecting a person so obese would constitute cruel and unusual punishment. (ABC News 10/19)

They may have to compromise and strap him to Kirstie Alley.

_________________________________________________


[] The Florida priest who molested Tom Foley as a youth has stepped forward. (ABC News 10/19)

Happened while Tom was an altar boy at Our Lady of Neverland parish near Orlando.

_________________________________________________


[] Democrats are poised to take over the House of Representatives. (Associated Press 10/18)

But Nancy Pelosi isn't measuring the Speaker's office for drapes. She plans to save the taxpayers some money by using one of Hastert's old suits.

_________________________________________________


[] Major League Baseball has licensed the Eternal Image Company to produce caskets with team colors and logos. (USA Today 10/19)

Including the "Blue Crew Extra Innings Capsule" that's shaped like a Dodger dog.

_________________________________________________


[] The U.S. population has reached 300,000,000. (USA Today 10/18)

300,000,001 if you count Madonna's new kid.

_________________________________________________


[] Intense fighting takes toll----October violence heading for near-record numbers. (USA Today 10/19)

But enough about Miami and Florida International.

_________________________________________________


[] Last year, the government spent $87 million to transport convicted prisoners by air. (USA Today 10/18)

Worse still, the cons were allowed to apply their frequent flier miles toward reduced sentences.

_________________________________________________


[] A recent survey showed that 30-year old women with graduate degrees stand a 75% chance of finding a husband. (USA Today 10/17)

100% if they also own a major sports franchise.

_________________________________________________


[] Xiamen University in Beijing will require its law and business students to take courses in golf. (USA Today 10/18)

Over there, a birdie is known as a "pressed duck."

_________________________________________________


[] Steve Wynn poked a hole in a $139 million Picasso painting he was selling. (NBC News 10/17)

Serves him right for hanging it next to a one-armed bandit.

_________________________________________________


[] Wesley Snipes has been indicted on income tax evasion charges for failing to file for ten years. (NBC News 10/17)

Willie Nelson told him nothing would happen.

_________________________________________________


[] Pope Benedict will allow priests to say mass in Latin. (Time Magazine 10/25)

Helps the coverup. How many people know the Latin word for "pedophile"?

_________________________________________________


[] Fossils of a pygmy Buffalo 2 1/2 feet tall were discovered in a cave in Cebu, Philippines. (USA Today 10/16)

Believed to have been hunted to extinction by Buffalo Billy the Kid.

_________________________________________________


[] Police in St. Petersburg, Florida are rousting church groups who feed the homeless in public parks. (USA Today 10/16)

Most are "Early Bird" soup kitchens for homeless retirees.

_________________________________________________


[] Officials in Berkeley, CA have withdrawn the free use of a boat dock by Sea Scouts because they bar atheists and gays. (USA Today 10/16)

The boys are now sailing aimlessly in their 21-foot sloop, "The S.S. Oscar Wilde."

_________________________________________________


[] Detroit voters will decide whether to ban dove hunting. (USA Today 10/17)

Not to protect the birds----to protect other hunters from Dick Cheney.

_________________________________________________


[] Wal Mart is negotiating to buy China's largest store chain for $1 billion. (Cable News Network 10/16)

Just good business. The closer you are to the sweat shops...

_________________________________________________


[] A recent survey found that 36% of people under 25 don't wear a wristwatch. (USA Today 10/16)

Mostly because they clash with their tattoos.

_________________________________________________


[] Singer Sarah Evans withdrew from "Dancing With the Stars" after filing for divorce charging her husband with adultery, verbal and emotional abuse and watching pornography. (USA Today 10/16)

... while "Dancing With the Stars" was on.

_________________________________________________


[] Los Angeles ninth annual "Fashion Week" kicked off on Sunday. (Associated Press 10/16)

With the traditional runway favorite "The Parade of Bulimics."

_________________________________________________


[] Disney will restrict sugar, fat and salt content in all food marketed with Disney characters. (Cable News Network 10/16)

The planned Spring marriage of Snow White to Ronald McDonald has been scrapped and Snow has already moved in with the Jolly Green Giant.

_________________________________________________


[] Pope Benedict XVI has named four new saints. (Cable News Network 10/16)

May not mean much to you, but Mel Gibson has now moved up four notches.

_________________________________________________


[] Scalia's "originalist" interpretation of the First Amendment requires that it be read in its 18th century context. ((USA Today 10/16)

He'd prefer a 17th century version if there was one.

_________________________________________________


[] Saddam Hussein will be sentenced on November 5. (Cable News Network 10/16)

He'll be given the choice of death by hanging, firing squad or one of his weapons of mass destruction.

_________________________________________________


[] Further atmospheric tests reveal that Korea's explosion, though less than a kilotron, was indeed a nuclear weapon. (Cable News Network 10/16)

Actually at that strength, it was only a new-cue-ler bomb, but that's good enough for Bush.

_________________________________________________


[] The Hawaiian Islands were rocked by a 6.7 earthquake. (Cable News Network 10/15)

The largest tremor since the 5.4 quake in 1981 that was so strong, it messed Jack Lord's hair.

_________________________________________________

Poetry in Motion

[] The Smithsonian National Museum is featuring an exhibit entitled "Hip-Hop Won't Stop: The Beat, The Rhyme, The Life." (USA Today 10/13)

... The Meaningless Noise, The Mindless Repetition, The Gratuitous Profanity, The Atrocious Grammar, The Ostentatious Gold Jewelry, The Tasteless Tattoos, The Dead Cops... "


_________________________________________________



[] U-2's Bono hitched a ride last week with Bush on Air Force One. (Cable News Network 10/12)

He was in town to sound mix his latest CD: "He May Be a Douche Bag But He's Our Prez."


_________________________________________________



[] Congressman Bob Ney pleads guilty to federal corruption charges. He's the fourth Republican to resign in disgrace this year. (Cable News Network 10/13)

On a brighter note, Bob's now in the running with Cunningham, DeLay and Foley for the coveted Richard Nixon Toxic Pond Scum Trophy.


_________________________________________________



[] Mel Gibson told Diane Sawyer that he sprinkled water on his hair so his mug shot "wouldn't look like Nick Nolte's." (ABC News 10/12)

But more like Paris Hilton's.


_________________________________________________



[] Pedigree and Good Humor are teaming up to produce an ice cream sandwich for dogs. (Cable News Network 10/12)

Only two flavors at first----My Balls and Kitty Poo.


_________________________________________________



[] Madonna has applied to adopt an orphan in Malawai. (AP 10/11)

If she's turned down, she' says she'll buy one from Angelina Jolie.


_________________________________________________



[] Kathy Lee Gifford will play Miss Hannigan in "Annie." (Associated Press 10/14)

In the new version, the exploited orphans work in a Taiwanese sweat shop.


_________________________________________________



[] Entertainment Tonight's Mary Hart who was first hired in 1982 has been signed for another two years. (USA Today 10/10)

To put her career in perspective, her first interview was Cher with her original face.


_________________________________________________



[] Bush and Hastert appeared together at a GOP fund-raiser in Chicago. (Cable News Network 10/12)

Now they're looking for Republican candidates willing to take the dough.


_________________________________________________



"The Foley affair is a maraschino cherry atop the Democrats' delectable sundae of Republican miseries."

George Will in the Washington Post


_________________________________________________



[] Superbowl officials are asking fans to submit ideas for a 30-second commercial to be aired during the game. (USA Today 10/16)

Anything goes except a wardrobe malfunction.


_________________________________________________



[] Harley-Davidson will soon begin selling beef jerkey. (USA Today 10/10)

With plans to add other food items later including hell's angel hair pasta.


_________________________________________________



[] New Yorkers were surprised to learn that private planes are allowed to fly freely above the city. (Cable News Network 10/12)

A practice that began back in 1937 when Mayor LaGuardia granted that exemption to Superman.


_________________________________________________



[] Republican Senator Christopher Shays compared the Foley scandal to Chappaquiddick "only nobody died." (Cable News Network 10/12)

If you don't count GOP rallying cries of family values, scripture-dipping and gay bashing.


_________________________________________________



[] Muslim cabbies in Minneapolis are refusing to pick up passengers carrying alcohol. (USA Today 10/11)

Unless it's in a Molotov cocktail.


_________________________________________________



[] Sean "P. Diddy" Combs has teamed with Burger King. (USA Today 10/11)

New menu item: the Double Cheese Heavy Gold Jewelry Whopper.


_________________________________________________



[] Young South African babblers emerging from their nests increase survival rates by responding to their parents' calls to the best foraging sites. (USA Today 10/11)

North American Babblers are trained to survive by watching "Live With Regis and Kelly."


_________________________________________________



[] After a visit to violence-torn Baghdad, Sen. John Warner concluded that the war in Iraq is "drifting sideways." (Cable News Network 10/10)

Warner hasn't unleashed a shocker like that since he announced he was marrying Liz Taylor.


_________________________________________________



[] Top British general in Iraq says, "We've kicked in the door, now it's time to leave." (Cable News Network 10/13)

He's the commander of the elite 108th Bruce Lee-Tony Lama Royal Cavaliers.


_________________________________________________



[] US experts have dismissed the idea, believed initially, that the North Korean nuclear test may have been faked. (Associated Press 10/14)

Gives you a sense of security, doesn't it? These guys can't find weapons of mass destruction even when they're there.


_________________________________________________



[] Gerald Ford was admitted to the Eisenhower Medical Center for tests. (USA Today 10/13)

Complaining of dizziness, an irregular heartbeat, and an uncontrollable desire to pardon Dennis Hastert.


_________________________________________________
Address comments to: Jokesmith@peoplepc.com

White Man Speak With Forked Tongue

[] The Army has replaced its slogan "Army of One," used since 2001, with "Army Strong." (USA Today 10/10)

Complete motto: "Army Strong... but commander-in-chief is blithering idiot."

________________________________________________


[] A new study shows that marijuana may delay the onset of Alzheimers disease. (HBO 10/6)

Biggest clue came when Whitney Houston suddenly remembered she's married to Bobby.

________________________________________________


[] Rice meets with Iraqi prime minister Nouri Kamal al-Maliki on a surprise visit to Baghdad. (New York Times 10/6)

They discussed the insurgency, US troop strength and the possibility of hooking up after the war.

________________________________________________


[] Today, the high court justices ask many questions during oral argument, with the exception of the typically silent Clarence Thomas. (USA Today 10/6)

Who's the official poster boy for Bush-----the "Child Left Behind."

________________________________________________


[] Wrote Russian journalist Anna Politkovskaya, assassinated by agents of Vladimir Putin: "... Nobody seeks justice in law courts which flaunt their subservience and partisanship." (Associated Press 10/9)

Know any court like that?

_________________________________________________


[] Pennsylvania congressman Don Sherwood apologized to his constituants for abusing his mistress. (New York Times 10/7)

Seems one of his weekly Motel 8 S&M sessions got a little rough while they were playing "Karl Rove Comes To Fix Ann Coulter's Faucet."

_________________________________________________


[] Bob Woodward's book "State of Denial" claims that Henry Kissinger is a frequent guest at the White House to advise Bush on the Iraq war. (Associated Press 10/5)

He's reportedly in favor of invading Cambodia.

_________________________________________________


[] After the ambassadors from Latvia and Thailand dropped out of the race for UN chief, South Korea's Bon Ki Moon was tapped to succeed Kofi Anon. (USA Today 10/6)

The final decision was made by Simon Cowell and Paula Abdul.

________________________________________________


[] French National Assembly will ban smoking in public places. (New York Times 10/6)

With the exception of that legally required after sex.

________________________________________________


[] Researchers have discovered a 379.1 foot tall Coast Redwood believed to be the world's tallest tree. ( SF Chronicle 10/8)

They did it by following the world's tallest dog.

________________________________________________


[] A New York man was released from prison after serving 21 years for a rape that DNA testing proved he didn't commit. (Cable News Network 10/6)

Lucky he didn't live in Texas. He'd have been dead now for 21 years.

________________________________________________


[] San Quintin death row inmate claims injection methods are poorly designed and administered by an untrained staff. (SF Chronicle 10/8)

Provided by Kaiser.

________________________________________________


[] Nimitz Class aircraft carrier "George Herbert Walker Bush" is christened at Newport News, Va. (Associated Press 10/8)

Sister ship, the "USS Rudderless," will honor his son's legacy.

________________________________________________


[] Schwarzenegger vetoes universal health care bill, labeling the plan "socialized medicine." (San Francisco Chronicle 10/8)

No surprise here. That's one of the reasons he defected from Austria.

________________________________________________


[] A Florida man has formed the first pizza deliverymans union. (Associated Press 10/8)

In the event of a wage dispute, if they fail to form a picket line within a half hour, they work free.

________________________________________________


[] Documentary "Jesus Camp" examines evangelical summer camps for kids. (San Francisco Chronicle 10/8)

Most popular of which is Jerry Falwell's "Camp Thump-a-Bible."

_________________________________________________

Ready... Aim...

[] The plane carrying Condoleezza Rice was delayed landing in Baghdad due to hostile ground fire. (Cable News Network 10/5)

Seems a couple of our lads whose tour of duty was extended decided that real bullets for the secretary's usual 21-gun salute would be in order.


________________________________________________


[] Foley's lawyer told reporters that his client is a long-time alcoholic. (USA Today 10/3)

"Grossly insulting to legitimate alcholics," said Hyman Bloomberg, spokesman for Mel Gibson.


________________________________________________


[] Malibu septic tanks are suspected as the source of contamination flowing into the bay. (USA Today 10/5)

Until now, no one knew what happened to old scripts from failed prime-time sitcoms.


________________________________________________


[] Los Angeles Laker coach Phil Jackson is recouperating from successful hip replacement surgery. (USA Today 10/5)

The operation was a snap. The hard part was finding a willing donor among his benched players.


________________________________________________


[] Barton County Kansas Community College track coach Lance Brauman was sentenced to a year in federal prison for embezzlement. (USA Today 10/3)

His trial was delayed. The FBI had to press some of his team members into service to help run him down.


________________________________________________


[] Tennessee Titans defensive lineman Albert Haynesworth stomped on Dallas Cowboy center Andre Gurode's face, inflicting wounds requiring thirty sutures to close. (USA Today 10/3)

And to make matters worse, he was clearly offsides.


________________________________________________


[] Despite being winless since 1995, Patrick McEnroe has been signed to coach the US Davis Cup team for another two years. (USA Today 10/3)

Kind of like hiring Rumsfeld to teach Anti-Insurgency Warfare at West Point.


________________________________________________


[] The New York Metropolitan Transportation Authority will soon install sensors that will analyze air in the coaches for toxic substances. (USA Today 10/4)

Up until now, they've only had one for urine.


________________________________________________


[] Rice claims she "doesn't remember" a pre-9/11 al Qaida warning from the CIA.(USA Today 10/3)

And, as a demonstration of her good faith, she's checked herself into a convenient lapse of memory rehab clinic.


________________________________________________


[] The late Sonny Bono and his wife, Mary, worked closely with Congressman Foley to boost ties between Republicans and the Hollywood community. (USA Today 10/3)

But they could come up with only one convert----Michael Jackson.


________________________________________________


[] Little Rock, Arkansas officials have replaced "City of Roses" with "The Rock" as the city's official nickname. (USA Today 10/3)

Trading names with Alcatraz, now known as "Rose Island."


________________________________________________


[] Catholic Supreme Court justices Roberts, Scalia, Kennedy and Thomas attended a "Red Mass" at the Cathedral of St. Matthew the Apostle in Washington. (USA Today 10/2)

The "red" in red mass symbolizes the blood splattered about when they slice the balls off of the Separation of of Church and State doctrine.


________________________________________________

Page Turner

[] Republican Mark Foley resigned his House seat after suggestive e-mails to a male page came to light----statements included "Do I make you horny?... well, strip down and get naked." (Associated Press 9/30)

GOP leaders vowed to root such behavior out of Congress and send it back to the sacristy where it belongs.

________________________________________________


[] The President and First Lady hosted a black tie gala to launch the National Book Festival. (USA Today 9/30)

Anytime Bush is in the same room with a book it merits a black tie gala.

________________________________________________


[] Congress has okayed a bill to construct a 700-mile-long fence along the US-Mexican border. (USA Today 9/30)

With a 1,300-mile-wide gate.

________________________________________________


[] New, high tech sound editing software proves that Neil Armstrong was correct when he insisted he actually said "One small step for a man... " (Associated Press 10/1)

Followed by "Oops. Hand me the Pooper Scooper."

________________________________________________


[] The Sons of Confederate Veterans have objected to Sen. Mark Allen admitting that he failed to grasp that the Confederate flag could be offensive to minorities. (USA Today 9/25)

Offensive? Just because they use it to line birdcages?

________________________________________________


[] A West Point cadet has been convicted of rape----the first since women were admitted in 1976. (Cable News Network 9/29)

Duty... Honor... Country... DNA.

________________________________________________


[] Michael Jackson and Deborah Rowe agree on custody rights of their two children. (Associated Press 9/30)

She gets to take them to the park and he gets to dangle them from balconies.

________________________________________________


[] The Los Angeles Archdiocese is close to a settlement that would pay forty-five sexual abuse victims $60 million. (Los Angeles Daily News 9/30)

Hang up wasn't the money, but Cardinal Rog Mahoney's refusal to have his testicles put on display as official relics at our Lady of the Endless Stonewall Cathedral.

________________________________________________


[] Two Palm Beach FL priests embezzled $8.6 million from St. Vincent Ferrer Catholic church to pay gambling debts. (USA Today 9/29)

In the padres' defense, you can't molest underage one-armed bandits.

________________________________________________


[] Pope tells Castle Gondolfo audience that "the Church does not force anyone to accept the message of the gospel." (USA Today 9/29)

He was in town to excommunicate Madonna.

________________________________________________


[] Former White House chief-of-staff Andrew Card denies allegations in Bob Woodward's Book that he tried to get rid of Rumsfeld. (Fox News 10/1)

"Ut tu, Andrew?"

________________________________________________


[] Bush says he retains the "fullest" confidence in Rumsfeld. (Cable News Network 10/1)

As opposed to "full" confidence which, to this grammar-challenged ignoramus, just doesn't seem quite full enough.

________________________________________________


[] Al-Zawahari accuses Bush of being a "deceitful liar" and the pope of launching another Crusade. (Associated Press 9/30)

And both were elected by ballots that had to be burned afterwards.

________________________________________________


Terrall Owens called A.T. & T. and signed up for Suicide Call Waiting.

________________________________________________


[] John Gotti, Jr. won his third consecutive mistrial on racketeering charges. (CBS News 9/28)

After jurors received a personal invitation to an overnight at the Red Lobster.

________________________________________________


[] Danny Flores who wrote the 1958 classic "Tequila" has passed away at age 77. (People Magazine 10/9)

According to his final wishes, he was creamated and his ashes placed in an urn with a salted rim.

________________________________________________


[] A New York City judge has dismissed David Gest's $10 million spousal abuse lawsuit against his former wife, Liza Minnelli. (AP 9/28)

Looks like Liza's $10 mil will continue sitting alone on the shelf.

________________________________________________


[] F.E.M.A. will donate thousands of unused travel trailers to church groups, charitable organizations and Indian tribes. (Fox News 10/1)

"Good job, Brownie!"

________________________________________________