FRI, SAT, August 31, Sept 1, 2012

SHEEN TEAM -- After ordering ninety episodes of Charlie Sheen's sitcom, "Anger Management," the FX Channel has signed Charlie's dad, Martin, to play his on-screen dad.  When asked if he thought he'd have any problems working with his volatile son, Martin said, "Hey, after spending two years in a Philippine jungle with Marlon Brando filming "Apocalypse Now," how hard can it be?"

 

RHYME TIME -- Major cash cow for Ruff-House Records, rapper Beanie Sigel, awaiting the start of a prison term for tax evasion, was charged with carrying a concealed firearm.  At least the judge sentenced him in language he understands:  "Beanie, ten more years to learn your lesson -- five for Smith and five for Wesson."

KING'S CLOTHES -- Underwear once owned by Elvis Presley is up for auction and, according to experts, may fetch bids as high as $15,000.  Adding to the historical value of the King's red, polka-dot boxer shorts, is the fact they were the subject of a song on the flip side of "Blue Suede Shoes."  "Whatever You Do, Don't Wrinkle My Fruit-of-the-Looms."

KEEN SCREEN -- Rensselaer Polytechnic Institute warns people who use their Kindles, I-Pads or computers two hours before bedtime risk a sleepless night.  Seems the back lit screens fool the body into believing it's daytime and reduces the production of sleep-inducing melatonin up to 22%.  On the plus side, if you've spent the two hours watching porn, you're up and ready to go.

KIM DANDY -- Kim Kardashian has settled a multi-million dollar lawsuit against Old Navy whom she claimed had advertised similar clothing to her line using a lookalike model.  Settlement terms were undisclosed.  Next, she plans to sue the new navy demanding stronger drinks at officers clubs and longer liberties for enlisted men.




Copyright (c) 2012 by Robert L. Mills  All Rights Reserved

THURSDAY, August 30, 2012

FULL HOUSE -- Seems the U.S. government got snookered in grand fashion after a judge ordered online poker site Full Tilt to pay a $730,000 fine for luring players into a Ponzi scheme.  Justice Department lawyers admit they were careless in specifying mode of payment - now they're trying to figure out what to do with 73,000 poker chips.

LA-DIEEEEE! -- According to vacation travel stats, Las Vegas still reigns as America's most popular Labor Day destination.  Now that Jerry Lewis is no longer hosting the MDA Telethon, they go there hoping to capture some of Jerry's magic by spotting a mob boss with too much pomade in his hair.

 

EMERGENCY ENTRANCE -- Stand-up and talk show icon Rosie O'Donnell recently suffered a heart attack and, thankfully, is now as good as new.  She attributes her
remarkable recovery to a crack ER staff, her highly qualified cardiologist, and Johnson & Johnson's new "EZ-Roll Plus-Size Gurney."

GERONIMO! -- Challenging the world's free fall record, Vienna skydiver Felix Baumgartner will jump from a hot air balloon 23 miles in space.  Reaching speeds up to 700 mph, he's hoping to eclipse the record of fellow Austrian Arnold
Schwarzenegger, who managed to fall almost that far while holding on to his maid.

MULE TRAIN -- California firefighters use pack mules to transport vital equipment to areas inaccessible by plane or helicopter.  Besides, the mules are much cheaper to maintain -- except those who work forests in Southern California whose ancestors appeared in films like "Treasure of Serra Madre" and "Mr. Ed."  They have agents and make well above scale.  


Copyright (c) 2012 by Robert L. Mills  All Rights Reserved

WEDNESDAY, August 29, 2012

MEA MAXIMA CULPA -- Salvatore Cordileone, the new Catholic Archbishop of San Francisco, was spotted by San Diego police driving erratically, pulled over, tested and charged with DUI.  Ironically, according to reliable eye-witnesses, he walked a straight line perfectly -- on solid ground.  But on water -- not even close. 

BODY LANGUAGE -- The Dallas Cowboys have imposed some strict off-field rules of conduct on the newly arrived Dez Bryant, including a ban on after-hours strip club attendance. Totally unfair, unfeeling and in total disregard of the young man's future when his gridiron days are behind him.  See, Dez is working on his GED and needs but C in Anatomy to graduate.

FOUR-ON-THE-FLOOR -- Seems that male car-buyers are longing to return to the past and are ordering twice as many manual shifts than in the past.  Wives and girlfriends have to be reeducated.  They think that thing on the floor is called a "clutch" because it's where you hang your handbag.

 

TURTLE WAXED -- Lena Henderson and Roland Davis who had married as teenagers in Chattanooga, Tenn., in 1944, have remarried after being divorced for 50 years.  Not that they haven't kept in touch over the years.  Seems they could never agree on who should get custody of their pet tortoise.

DEM BONES -- The ease and success of modern-day cataract surgery has resulted in some unexpected benefits.  For instance, now able to see where they're going, seniors are suffering fewer hip fractures.  And restaurant owners couldn't be  happier.  Now they can go back to regular size print for their "Early Bird" menus.


Copyright (c) 2012 by Robert L. Mills  All Rights Reserved

TUESDAY, August 28, 202

TOPSIDER -- Quickly segueing from Patrick Schwarzenegger, son of Maria Shriver, country warbler Taylor Swift is reportedly dating Robert Kennedy, Jr's 18- year old son Coner.  So serious are the couple, she's rented a house near the Kennedy compound and has sailed with Conor -- or, as the Kennedys call it "Swift Boating." 

GRIM GREENERY -- En route to a dismal tie for 39th place in the Barkley's Playoff, Tiger Woods for the first time in his pro career posted four 3-putts in a single round. Even worse -- also a first -- he had to settle for only six bimbos that night.

 

ONE SMALL STEP -- French drivers are about to storm the Bastille over a new law requiring them to carry an alcohol "Breath-a-lizer" kit behind the wheel of a vehicle.  Applicable also to visiting tourists, most of them consider the law a step in the right direction since it could lead to the development of a "Rude-o-meter." 

 

SUPER STAR OF RENT-A-CAR -- Longtime car rental leader and legendary  O.J.Simpson employer Hertz Rent-a-Car has purchased Thrifty Rent-a-Car for $2.5 million.  Well, not quite.  Actually, Thrifty only got $1.8 million after topping off the tanks of their cars before turning them in. 

UNCLE SAM WINSTON -- Despite criticism, the U.S. military recruiters continue to  advertise at events popular among youth like NASCAR, bass fishing, pro wrestling, truck pulls and demolition derbies.  One small success, though -- no more Marlboro logos or Joe Camel stenciled on the sides of Army Humvees.

EXPEDITION NEW ORLEANS:  Jazz, Crawdads Creole, Crabs, the Caribbean& Mexico --  In November (8 to 18), Bob will journey -- camera in hand -- to New Orleans then, aboard the Norwegian Star, to Costa Maya, Belize City and Cozumel, Mexico, and Roatan, Honduras.  He'll be posting daily photos of his travels at:
www.expiditionneworleans.blogspot.com

To receive these daily photo updates of by e-mail, visit the site or click on this link and fill in the "Follow by e-mail" box.  This promises to be an exciting and fun-filled trip and you won't want to miss a port!

EXPEDITION NEW ORLEANS: Jazz, Crawdads, Creole, Crabs, the Caribbean & Mexico 


Copyright (c) 2012 by Robert L. Mills  All Rights Reserved

SUN, MON, August 26, 27, 2012

SHOE SHOE BABY -- The decision of Nike Sports to market the new La Bron James basketball shoe at $315 a pop is not sitting well with many unemployed Americans struggling to get by.  But already, they've become a trendy status symbol for American conspicuous consumption.  Kim Kardashian bought a pair to tie on the bumper of her wedding limo.

BRIDGEWORK -- Woody Allen is currently shooting a movie at locations all over the San Francisco Bay Area.  The last film he shot in the city was "Take the Money and Run" which contains several key scenes that take place in Golden Gate Park.  Woody not only took the money and ran, but now he OWNS Golden Gate Park.


 

GNARLY HARLEY --To underline the importance of reducing CO2 emissions in the coming years, Tokyo bathroom fixture giant TOTO has introduced a 3-wheel 250cc motorcycle with a toilet-shaped seat and an engine that's fueled with livestock fertilizer.  The best part is, according to test scientists it gets up to 69.3 miles per roll of Charmin. 

BIG BITE -- In what is being heralded the largest court verdict ever in an international intellectual property case, the jury found that Samsung Electronics adapted Apple's designs of their I-Phone and I-Pad and awarded the plaintiff $2 billion.  Or -- as Apple calls it -- "parking meter change."

DUSTY ROAD -- Sony Pictures Entertainment hopes to repeat the success of their film-to-stage productions "Leap of Faith" and "Ghost" by reprising "Tootsie" for the Broadway stage.  Details remain to be ironed out, but the biggest challenge appears to be making up Dustin Hoffman so he doesn't look like Leona Helmsley. 


Copyright (c) 2012 by Robert L. Mills  All Rights Reserved

FRI, SAT, August 24, 25, 2012

G-UNSTRUNG -- A study commissioned by the National Adult Entertainment Association found the average strip club tab at the Republican National Convention
is $150 while Dems traditionally part with about $50 each.  The difference is due to the GOPers not knowing where to tuck their bills so they tuck them everywhere.  

TALL ORDER -- "Anger Management," Charlie Sheen's new sitcom, has received one of the longest pickups in network history -- ninety episodes.  He's stunned.  The only times he's ever heard the word ninety was when a judge was sentencing him or a psychiatrist telling him to count backwards during hypnosis drug-aversion therapy. 

 

LITTLE JOE -- A wildfire is raging out-of-control in the parched, drought-dry forests north of Sacramento, California, already destroying 50 homes in its path. Dubbed the "Ponderosa Fire," arson investigators suspect it started during a rerun of "Bonanza" when they set that map on fire.

 

ROSIE OUTLOOK -- Admitting now to a classic case of denial, Rosie O'Donnell ignored symptoms of a heart attack and delayed seeing her doctor.  She credits taking an ordinary aspirin -- like you take for a headache -- for saving her life.   Women all over the country are paying attention -- now they tell their husbands, "Not tonight, I'm having a heart attack."

 

FANGS FOR THE MEMORY -- A farmer plowing his field in Bardanga, Nepal was bitten by a cobra and became so enraged that he chased it down and bit it to death with his bare teeth.  Doctors in nearby Kathmandu where he was taken for treatment credit his survival on the immunity to snake venom he inherited from his father, a lawyer.  




Copyright (c) 2012 by Robert L. Mills  All Rights Reserved  

THURSDAY, August 23, 2012

ALOHA, HANOI -- The official airline of Vietnam, "Viet-Jet," is turning out to be the sharpest marketing knife in the drawer.  On overseas flights, the entire crew dresses in Hawaiian clothing and even provide  live entertainment -- Jane Fonda and Don Ho harmonize to "Tiny Bubbles" while grass-skirted attendants serve the engine-roasted pig. 

FORBES FEMS -- For the second year running, Forbes Magazine has crowned German Chancellor Angela Merkel the "World's Most Powerful Woman," closely followed in the second and third slots by Hillary Clinton and Michelle Obama.  Placing fourth through seventh is the cast of "The View."  
 

 

FOOT FAULT -- Russian tennis ace Maria Sharapova has introduced her own line of premium candy called "Sugarpova."  Among the items offered are "fruit-flavored gummy lips," and "lemon-lime tennis ball shaped gumballs."  Her "gummy tennis racket" was withdrawn after customers complained that it tasted like sweetened cat gut.   

SHUFFLE SCUFFLE -- Three gamblers have sued Atlantic City's Golden Nugget Casino claiming they were denied their $1.5 million baccarat winnings after the casino's shuffling machine malfunctioned resulting in 41 consecutive winning hands. The plaintiffs claim they played by the rules and the broken machine was the casino's problem.  Said a Golden Nugget spokesman, "We've been more than reasonable.  We offered them a lifetime pass to our $3.99 Seafood Bonanza Buffet."   

ROGER...OVER NOT OUT -- Refusing to head for the permanent showers, mound icon Roger Clements, 50, will attempt to squeeze out a few more wins as a starter for the Sugerland Skeeters, a Texas Independent League team.  What attracted him to the squad was the "Skeeter Scooter," a battery-powered mobility chair specially installed to get him from the bullpen to the mound.

In November, Bob will journey to New Orleans, the Caribbean and Mexico aboard the Norwegian Star.  To receive daily e-mail photo updates from his travels, click on this link to register at the web site.  Should be an exciting trip and you won't want to miss a port!

EXPEDITION NEW ORLEANS: Jazz, Crawdads, Creole, Crabs, the Caribbean and Mexico



 Copyright (c) 2012 by Robert L. Mills  All Rights Reserved








 

WEDNESDAY, August 22, 2012

INSERT TAB "A" INTO... -- Ever alert to expand their products and services, Swedish-owned Ikea, home of reasonably priced assemble-yourself furniture and accessories, is entering  the hospitality industry, beginning with 100 budget hotels across Europe.   Budget is an understatement.  For only $20, you get a large room with a king-sized bed.  Well - uh - not exactly a bed.  Actually, you get a stack of lumber and a screwdriver. 

FAIRWAY FAIRNESS -- Finally breaking the iron shackles of tradition that for decades has barred women from membership, Augusta National Golf Club has enlarged its welcome mat.  Among the first female members, former Bush Cabinet officer Condoleezza Rice who already has her own locker and set of custom-made Calloways.  Only she doesn't call them clubs.  She calls them "weapons of mass destruction."

GOING DOWN -- Elevator music icon Kenny G has filed for divorce from his wife of 20 years, Lyndie Benson-Gorelick.  According to friends, their issue concerns the honesty and openness that all marriages, by their very nature, require.  It seems that even after 20 years Kenny steadfastly refuses to tell her what the "G" stands for.

BIMBO FUNGO -- Major League baseball officials were floored by a recent medical and life expectancy study that shows former big league ball players are less fit, more prone to serious illness, and die sooner than former NFL players.  While the popularity of chewing tobacco in the dugout is considered a major culprit, the most relevant finding was that 300 pound linebackers are less of a long-term health threat than a 120 pound starlet with a seven-year film contract.
 

SARDINEVILLE -- Symbolic of a country literally bursting at the seams, Shanghai China is by far the fastest-growing city on the planet with a population that's increased by 10 million since 1990, growing by a half-million per year.  Good news for U.S. government loans, though.  The Chinese now accept parking spaces as collateral.


Copyright (c) 2012 by Robert L. Mills  All Rights Reserved

TUESDAY, August 21, 2012

HURRY UP & WAIT -- Washington's Dulles International Airport is the first in the nation to install a video surveillance system to help departing passengers determine when to check in with the least hassle.  The ingenious software, developed by French time and motion scientists, estimates the wait based on the number of people in line weighed against the average times assigned to each security procedure -- Frisk (2.66 min), Grope (3.07 min), Probe (4.85 min) and Fore Play (12.56 min)

PEA COLD-COCKED -- In the midst of massive cutbacks to save a show that's "just breaking even," Jay Leno has accepted a pay cut from $25 million per year to just $20 million in order to, according to an NBC spokesman, "save jobs of the wonderful people who work with him on the Tonight Show."  A five mil cut?  Now that's what I'd call taking it on the chin.

 

FINTASTIC -- Former Olympic long-distance swimmer Diana Nyad is making her fourth attempt to become the first person to swim from Cuba to the United States without the aid of a shark cage.  Instead of a cage, in the event of an attack, several lawyers have volunteered  to jump in the water and appeal to the sharks to extend them the usual professional courtesy. 

MOOCHO GRACIAS -- Saddled with cattle feed-corn prices he could no longer afford, a dairy owner in Lexington, Kentucky began serving his cows candy at mealtimes which they seem to have adapted to.   Maybe a little too much.  Now before they'll give milk, he has to take them to dinner and dancing.

FEEL LIKE A NUT? -- A study released by the Journal Biology and  Reproduction found that men who ate two hands full of crushed walnuts daily improved the shape, movement and vitality of their sperm which in turn may lessen the incidence of male infertility.  Probably won't result in more kids, though.  Their partners were so turned off by the sound of cracking walnuts, they were out of the mood.



Copyright (c) 2012 by Robert L. Mills  All Rights Reserved