Dr. Digit's Daily Hollywood Memory Blog

FRI, SAT, SUN, February 3, 4, 5, 2012

2012-02-02T10:46:00.000-08:00

According to polls, gambling receipts on this Sunday's Super Bowl will be the highest in history including an estimated $4.3 million won by the winners of office pools. The Patriots are favored to win by 3 points and it's even money whether Madonna will experience a wardrobe malfunction.

A group of gourmet diners in an upscale Tokyo restaurant required emergency medical treatment after being served broiled blow fish testicles. It wasn't the food that sent them to the hospital -- it was a gang of freshly-castrated blow fish who stormed the restaurant to exact their revenge.

After months of negative cash register receipts, the first Starbucks on the East Coast that opened in 1993 has called it quits. It was simple economics. Who'll pay $4.75 for a cup of some exotic overpriced blend of flavored hot water when they can walk down the street to another Starbucks and pay $4.50?

Spain-based SpanAir stranded over 20,000 passengers when it shut down suddenly and cancelled all lights throughout Europe. The good news is, each stranded passenger was offered a full refund plus $5,000 for their inconvenience. The bad news is, SpanAir is charging them $10,000 to return their luggage.

THURSDAY, February 2, 2012

2012-02-01T12:40:00.000-08:00

A four-year-old kindergartner in Connecticut brought nine baggies stuffed with pot for "show-and-tell." His teacher wasn't the least bit surprised. She'd been watching him since she noticed that he was coloring with psychedelic colors that she knew Crayola doesn't make.

For the first time since it opened, people working with visitors at Disneyland will be allowed to grow a beard. The straitlaced outfit really hasn't conceded that much, however. Married male employees dating another Disney employee in public are still barred from using the services of a beard.

Beginning with the Australian Open, ladies who scream while striking the ball will be penalized to discourage the practice. Good news for the retired Monica Seles, though. She's been told she won't have to return any of the royalties she collected every time a fem netster grunted during a televised match.

Shocking most Americans who read it, the results of a UK study on driving habits indicate that women are better at parking than men. Of course, it's a British study that observed Brit drivers. Over there, men tend to be more distracted because most of them suffer from constant toothaches.

WEDNESDAY, February 1, 2012

2012-01-31T09:56:00.000-08:00

Archaeologists excavating near Palestine turned up a marble statue of a Roman boxer they date at 0002. This guy had turned pro in 20 BC and had what's still considered the best corner men in fisticuffs history. Matthew, Mark and Luke handled his ringside strategy and Jesus was his cut man.

"Wheel of Fortune" emcee Pat Sajak recently confessed to an interviewer on ESPN that he sometimes went to work blotto. Actually, the audience suspected as much one night when he entered the studio, thought he was at his AA meeting, and announced, "My name is Pat and I've been hosting this mindless pap for 32 years."

Elton John and his partner, David Furnish, have released photos of their new baby Zachary Jackson Levon Furnish-John conceived by a surrogate mom with sperm from both men. But it's pretty obvious that Elton's sperm won the race upstream. The baby was born wearing over sized sequined sunglasses.

Hoping to reverse a gradual downward trend in cash register receipts, the Olive Garden restaurant chain has instituted some changes in decor and service. For instance, to add biblical authenticity, waiters dressed in a robe and sandals will kneel at your table while taking your order.

TUESDAY, January 31, 2012

2012-01-30T12:36:00.000-08:00

With a best picture nomination and a Best Actor nod for star Gary Oldman, "Tinker, Tailor, Soldier, Spy" has already spawned plans for a sequel. But already, critics are warning that the sequel may carry too heavy a commercial tie-in. It's been titled "Tinker, Tailor, Soldier, Spy, Bed, Bath & Beyond."

Mexico City now has a new tourist attraction -- a huge countdown clock ticking off the seconds before the December Apocalypse predicted by the Mayans. May be a coincidence, but Arizona governor Jan Brewer has installed a clock on the steeple of the statehouse counting down the months and weeks left before Barack Obama's next visit.

Courteous drivers in northern Texas are now being rewarded with free gift-certificates handed out by state troopers. Clever idea the Texas DMV came up with to get rid of a warehouse full of "Rick Perry for President" bumper stickers.

Korean auto maker Kia has recalled some 146,000 cars, citing faulty airbags that will be replaced. Company officials remain mum, but insiders report that some wiseacre at the factory installed airbags that when inflated take on the distinctive shape of former North Korean president Kim Jong Il.

MONDAY, January 30, 2012

2012-01-29T08:10:00.000-08:00

Alumni, fans and supporters set aside two full days to mourn the death of legendary Penn State gridiron coach Joe Paterno. In what's being called the most heartfelt remembrance since that for Vince Lombardi, college locker rooms across the nation shut off their showers for one minute.

According to the gay and lesbian news magazine The Advocate, Salt Lake City is the gayest city in the nation. Evidence cited includes granting tax-free status to Ikea -- stats that show the city has more florists than "Starbucks" -- and the overnight success of "The Mormon Tabernacle Choir Sings Broadway!"

Fans and critics alike agree that Dustin Hoffman is sensational as race track gambler "Ace" Bernstein in HBO's new mini-series "Luck." The role was quite a stretch for him. Dusty hasn't gambled this much since he checked into that
hotel with Mrs. Robinson.

Since the Tom Hanks-Max Von Sydow starrer "Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close" landed a Best picture Oscar nomination, box office receipts have soared. When questioned, movie-goers said they had stayed away thinking the picture was a documentary about "The View."

FRI, SAT, SUN, January 27, 28, 29, 2012

2012-01-26T09:38:00.000-08:00

Students at a high school in Utah wanted to name their new football team the "Cougars" but their Mormon elders rejected it as "too racy." And that was the kids' second choice. They knew their first pick wouldn't stand a chance: the
"Latter Day New Orleans Saints."

Archaeologists and zoologists agree that new evidence suggests that the dog was domesticated about 33,000 years ago. And it wasn't easy for the cave men to walk their new dogs. Since fire hydrants hadn't been invented yet, every so often they would have to find a cave and draw one on the wall.

Queen Elizabeth is getting a new yacht and Royal Navy sailors are now being trained on proper behavior aboard the new vessel. For instance, in the presence of royalty the poop deck must be called the "defecation deck," scuttlebutt is "scuttle-derriere" and crew members must never mention Lady Gaga in the presence of the queen.

If you have a Facebook account, there's now an app that allows you to communicate with your followers after you die. Just think how handy that could be. If you die suddenly, you can send back for a change-of-clothes and toiletries.

THURSDAY, January 26, 2012

2012-01-25T11:15:00.000-08:00

Fans laughed when chat host Wendy Williams launched her "Save the Twinkie" campaign. But already, she's entered a valuable collaboration with the Tea Party that will generate national publicity. Every afternoon at 4 PM London time, members gather for tea and Twinkies.

First Lady Michelle Obama's new Twitter page attracted 100,000 followers on its first day. What's being called pure coincidence, the National School Cafeteria Council announced that schools that adopted Michelle's dietary guidelines have reduced their average school lunch by 100,000 calories.

Here's a shocker that will make you stop and think -- a study commissioned by the F.B.I. predicts that by next year, one-third of all kids will have a rap sheet by the time they're 23. On the plus side, each will receive free front and side view portraits.

MSNBC has a frequent contributor named Crystal Ball. Think that's a strange name for a reporter? It's nothing compared to her brothers "Knuckle" and "Spit."

WEDNESDAY, January 25, 2012

2012-01-24T09:49:00.000-08:00

Delta Airlines is leading the way in jacking up airfares by being the first national carrier to boost ticket prices 10%. Signs of cutbacks are everywhere. Last week, I flew to Cincinnati and in place of the in-flight movie, one of the cabin stewards put on a tux jacket and made balloon animals.

A woman in Burbank, California was charged with prostitution after vice cops caught her in a McDonald's drive-thru offering to exchange sexual favors for Chicken McNuggets. Kind of gives a whole new meaning to the Mickey-Doo jingle "I'm lovin' it!" doesn't it?

According to the cover story in this month's Cosmetic Surgeon Magazine, the recession has had a devastating effect on elective procedures. One well-known Beverly Hills practitioner told the interviewer, "If it weren't for Joan Rivers and Cher, there'd be no industry at all."

According to the latest reports from Beijing, former NBA hoopster Yao Ming is entering politics. Right now he's wrestling with the critical decision of which party to join -- the Communist, the Communist or the Communist for his first campaign against the popular former governor of Nanjing, Rickshaw Perry.

TUESDAY, January 24, 2012

2012-01-23T12:21:00.000-08:00

The current crop of movie hits has not, by those addicted to profit, gone unnoticed. Never a movie studio to overlook the opportunity to hop on a ticket-sales bandwagon, Disney has green lighted a 3-D cartoon project entitled "The Dragon with the Girl Tattoo."

Donald Trump began placing a bids on Tim Tebow memorabilia and went home with $12,000 worth of the QB's collection. Ironically, the sale falls right in line with Tim's favorite bible verse, Corinthians 22:11 -- "Blessed are the
gullible, for they shall be fleeced shamelessly.

Faced with federal charges that they violated EEOC rules by refusing employment to applicants with criminal records, Pepsi has agreed to pay a $3 million fine. Great news for Martha Stewart who can now get that bottling plant job she's been eyeing.

Only twenty-six Americans were killed last year by lightening strikes, the lowest figure in recorded history. Not surprising since the chances of being struck are one in 12,000,000 -- in layman's terms about the same chance as Captain Schettino going down with his ship.

MONDAY, January 23, 2012

2012-01-22T09:57:00.000-08:00

Readers were stunned by a news story that a stranded hiker on Washington's Mount Rainier burned the dollar bills he was carrying to keep warm until rescuers arrived. Big deal. In the last Olympics, China kept the Olympic flame going by feeding it fresh, crisp Alexander Hamiltons.

The Federal Appeals Court in Denver has ruled in favor of a Muslim who challenged Oklahoma's ban on observing Sharia law. The justices reasoned that if the Oklahoma Klan can wear pillowcases with eye holes, why can't Muslim women?

Music critics around the world were astounded at the news that Paris Hilton is actually producing another album. No one holds out much hope of a hit. Let's put it this way: Paris is to carrying a tune what Captain Schettino is to steering a cruise ship.

Viewers were shocked that Sarah Michelle Geller actually brought her two-year old daughter to the Golden Globes. But they're snickering out of the other side of their mouth now. Producers in the audience signed the kid for the lead in Lifetime's upcoming "The Life of the Gerber Baby."

FRI, SAT, SUN, January 20, 21, 22, 2012

2012-01-19T10:07:00.000-08:00

Disgruntled factory workers in Shanghai who assemble complex Xbox consoles climbed on the roof of their factory and threatened to commit mass suicide. That's nothing compared to Kim Kardashian's seamstresses in Singapore who threatened to kill themselves unless they got a roof.

O.J. Simpson's half-million dollar, four bedroom, four bath home near Miami is threatened with foreclosure while its owner is serving a nine to thirty-three year term in a Nevada jail. Questioned by reporters, the Broward County Sheriff told them simply, "If the striped suit fits, I must evict."

The religion police in Iran have ordered all Barbie Dolls be removed from toy store shelves because they're "un-Muslim." Tough luck for Mattel. Their new "Arranged Marriage Barbie" was just beginning to sell.

For the first time, Wal-Mart will offer its customers income tax advice for free in 3,000 of its stores nationwide. The way it works is, you give them your tax documents and they send them to a bunch of Chinese accountants in a Shanghai sweat shop.

THURSDAY, January 19, 2012

2012-01-18T12:20:00.000-08:00

According to Sports Marketing, Inc., the top-selling pro sports item in 2010 was the Aaron Rogers Green Bay Packers jersey. In collegiate marketing, the biggest-selling sports-themed item was Penn State's Jerry Sandusky Soap-on-a-Rope.

Texas State Police pulled over a tour bus that was transporting Snoop Dogg to his next gig in Amarillo. During a routine search a member of their K-9 Unit zeroed-in on some marijuana stashed in a waste basket. Sense the irony here? Snoop Dog exposed by a snoopy dog?

New York's opera season may be canceled thanks to a dispute between opera members and musicians. Talks appeared to be going well when suddenly the brass section started dueling with some spear-carriers from "Rigoletto" and by the time police arrived, three of them were impaled -- two on spears and one on a trombone slide.

Speech scientists at Florida Atlantic University have discovered that, contrary to popular belief, infants don't learn to speak by hearing words but rather by reading lips. Even more shocking to the researchers, tots taken to baseball games become fluent in sign language by watching the catcher's hands.

WEDNESDAY, January 18, 2012

2012-01-17T10:04:00.000-08:00

Producers of the new "Dallas" series on TNT promise that it will remain faithful to the original while being "more modern." Maybe it's a little too current. For instance, J.R. still gets shot but this time he's assassinated by a team of Navy Seals after a neighboring rancher accuses him of joining al Quaeda.

A company called SpareOne has developed a cell phone battery with a 15-year life. I guess it was inevitable. We went from a society where parents would stay married until the children were grown to a society where their children will keep their cell phones until the batteries run down and stay married for 72 days.

A Washington, DC Burger King franchise has become the first fast food restaurant in the nation to deliver. But is this really something we should encourage? When you stop to think about it, it's the first time in gastronomic history that the fat grams, the sodium and cost of the fuel to deliver it exceeds the price of the food itself.

Space officials in Moscow are now under investigation by the KGB after a $170 million space probe rocket that was supposed to explore a moon near Mars plunged into the drink off the coast of Chile after attempting to reach orbit for over two months. For the first time in its history, Pravda ran a five-inch, one word headline -- "OOPS-SKI!

TUESDAY, January 17, 2012

2012-01-16T11:08:00.000-08:00

The Golden Globe Awards were particularly entertaining this year with host Ricky Gervaise as funny as ever and the wall-to-wall film stars applauded dutifully. Most deserved was the special award for “resisting a primal urge” that went to Angelina Jolie for not adopting an Ethiopian kid during the entire three-hour telecast.

Chinese space scientists have vowed to put a “lunarnaut” on the moon before the end of this decade. Beijing has already approved the official first-step motto: “One small step for Mandarin -- one giant step for P. F. Chang’s.”

Bed, Bath & Beyond had to recall several thousand chromium facial tissue-holders after a routine check found them to be contaminated with atomic radiation. Less than an hour after the news was released, Iran issued an official statement that they had nothing to do with it.

A tea maker in Beijing who discovered that leaves fertilized with excrement of pandas have a unique flavor is planning to market it as the “world’s most expensive tea.” It has one unfortunate side effect, however. Five cups and you get an overwhelming urge to hibernate in a cave near Kowloon.

MONDAY, January 16, 2012

2012-01-15T07:41:00.000-08:00

Donald Trump has applied to New York building authorities for permits necessary to build an 18-hole golf course in the heart of the city. New York City golf is a little different from the game invented in Scotland -- the hazards include sand traps, out-of-bounds, casual water and muggers.

Producers of a biographical film on the life of Elizabeth Taylor are rumored to be seriously considering Lindsay Lohan to play the lead. Nothing confirmed yet, but they’ve already hired a jeweler to design a diamond-studded ankle alarm bracelet that will look like a gift from Richard Burton.

Nike’s hot new basketball shoe the “Air Jordan” is so popular, lucky wearers who found a pair have been mugged for them. Not quite as popular but big on the west coast are Nike’s new “Air Kobes” that wearers report give them an uncontrollable desire to abandon their loyalty to Nike in favor of Converse shoes.

International scholars are all agog over the upcoming meeting between lifelong friends Venuzuela’s Hugo Chavez and Iran’s Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. If their rumored intentions are realized, the United Nations will soon receive a request for membership from “Veranuzuela.”

FRI, SAT, SUN, January 13, 14, 15, 2012

2012-01-12T12:07:00.000-08:00

TV's Kiefer Sutherland has been signed to play his "24" character Jack Bauer in the film version. I can't wait to watch him on the big screen. Just think how much more exciting water boarding will be when the board looks like it's 30-feet long.

Hostess Bakeries, makers of Twinkies as well as other junk foods, has filed a petition in federal court for bankruptcy protection. Sales began to plummet drastically right after the FDA authorized the makers of poisonous substances like cyanide and arsenic to replace the skull and cross-bones on their containers with an outline of a Twinkie.

An exhibition in New York City currently on display features well-known Big Apple landmarks like the Bowery and Herald Square recreated with indigenous tree bark, roots, stems, flowers, leaves and seeds. Or, as Martha Stewart calls them "a salad."

This year makes the 100th birthday of the Girl Scouts of America which was modeled after Great Britain's "Girl Explorers." They even copied their cookie recipe. In fact, that same year, a shipment of them bound from England to the U.S. was thought to have contributed to the sinking of the Titanic.

THURSDAY, January 12, 2012

2012-01-11T10:32:00.000-08:00

Facing massive losses due to rising fuel prices, Delta Air Lines has reluctantly raised the price of their tickets across-the-board. And they've instituted drastic cutbacks to save money. Now in the event of a sudden drop in cabin pressure, an oxygen mask drops down between the seats with a sign on it that says "Share this."

Beyonce and husband Jay-Z are now the proud parents of a new girl baby they've named "Ive Blue." And I know what you're thinking. Like every other joke writer throughout the land, I somehow resisted the urge to report that she gave birth to a "beyonce baby girl."

A bank robber holding up a London Bank got rattled and inadvertently handed the teller his .38 snub-nose automatic instead of the demand note he had written. Then things got even more confusing. The uniformed guard nearby thought the teller was delivering a premium for opening a new account and gave the robber tips on where to buy cut-rate ammo.

Mattel has announced that they'll soon offer a matched set of Kardashian Sister dolls. Advance word is that they're so lifelike, the Kim doll comes with six Chinese children dolls that make her clothes in a sweatshop doll house.

WEDNESDAY, January 11, 2012

2012-01-10T10:40:00.000-08:00

When the clerk at White Castle asks if you'd like to "supersize that," he may be offering to put a head on your brewski. The fast food chain now offers beer and wine so be careful, gals -- from now on when a guy asks you out for a drink, best you ask for specifics.

Pop culture gadflies The Kardashians have launched their own magazine called "K." I think there are already too many magazines named with a letter. "Gentleman's Quarterly" is now "GQ" -- Oprah's magazine is called "O." If the Kardashians insist on a letter, wouldn't it make more sense to call it "Y?"

A rare penny minted by the government 219 years ago recently fetched $1.38 million at auction. What are the chances, you probably wonder, of you finding a penny that will make you $1,380,000? Mathematicians tell us it's 1-in-1 billion, 380 million.

The FAA has issued strict new guidelines to prevent pilot fatigue. Included are limits on the amount of consecutive hours allowed at the controls, more time off between flights and accumulating Mile High points no longer qualifies as a "nap."

TUESDAY, January 10, 2012

2012-01-09T13:37:00.000-08:00

Former Chicago Bull net star and occasional cross-dresser Dennis Rodman is about to take a job coaching a woman's basketball team that plays topless. Actually, he received two job offers -- one from the Jacksonville Jigglers and the one from his new employer, the Houston Hooters.

Carnival's upcoming summer cruise "Tides of Torture" will visit Caribbean islands while passengers attend vampire seminars and watch the top slasher films. As you might expect, the Midnight Buffet will offer an extremely limited
beverage menu -- Type O, Type B and Type B Positive.

Jonathan Duhamel, the world's number one poker champion, told police his home was invaded by a stranger who assaulted him before escaping into the night. Apparently, he got so used to saying "hit me" somebody finally did.

Kim Kardashian is being picketed by Human Rights groups after it became known that her designer clothing company employs Chinese children as seamstresses. And right after she had to return those 377 Singer sewing machines along with the rest of the wedding gifts.

MONDAY, January 9, 2012

2012-01-08T13:02:00.000-08:00

A German national living with his mother was arrested after fifty-three cars were set on fire in Los Angeles over the New Years weekend. He's been charged with arson, destruction of property and infringement of the copyright on flaming cars owned by the Chevy Volt.

Iran threatened "to blow US ships out of the water" if they interfered with their closing of the Straits of Hormuz. The navy has come up with a unique solution. They've changed the name of the nuclear sub they're sending there from the USS Ronald Reagan to the USS Amadinajad.

Plans are underway to develop a script for a film which will depict Elton John's journey from humble beginnings in the streets of London to a world class entertainer. Biggest winner if the movie is made? Lenscrafters who have landed the eyeglasses contract.

Members of the Chicago Cab Drivers Association have petitioned City Hall for the right to charge riders $75 extra if they leave a messy cab. Is there no end to their greed? They already demand an extra $50 just to store a corpse in the trunk.

FRI, SAT, SUN, January 6, 7, 8, 2012

2012-01-05T15:24:00.000-08:00

North Korea's new Supreme leader Kim Jung Un has already hired American ad agency Benton & Bowles to polish his international image. He's hoping that the same agency that marketed 7-Up as the "Un-Cola" can come up with a campaign establishing him as the "Un-Dictator."

Remember that experimental DeLorean roadster used in the movie "Back to the Future"? It recently sold at auction for half a million dollars. And it came with an added bonus -- thanks to a small-print provision in his contract, once a month Michael J. Fox comes to your house to wash it.

As you may or may not have noticed, during Lindsay Lohan's recent photo shoot for Playboy, she tried to imitate the poses made famous by Marilyn Monroe. When she announced she was seeking a ball player to stand-in for Joe DiMaggio, twenty-six New York Yankees applied.

Seeking a change of scenery, an adventurous kitty cat in Columbus, Ohio crawled under the hood of an SUV where she completed a 200-mile trip as a stowaway. She was discovered only when the driver, checking his mileage gauge, noticed he was getting only 17 miles to the hair ball.

THURSDAY, January 5

2012-01-04T09:50:00.000-08:00

Critics and fans alike are unanimous that Meryl Streep is marvelous as Margaret Thatcher in "Iron Lady." Well, a few have pointed out one little flaw in her portrayal. In a scene shot at Windsor Castle, she gets a little confused between Thatcher and Julia Childs and explains to Queen Elizabeth how to prepare beef and kidney pie.

Space officials in Beijing announced that they intend to send a man to the moon by 2022. In fact, they've already approved a special "space diet" for the "lunarnauts" that includes an energy drink formulated from a recipe that dates back to the Tang Dynasty.

An amorous couple in Galesburg, Illinois decided to pop out for a couple of Big Macs but forgot to put their clothes back on. They hopped into the guy's convertible, tooled up to the drive-thru window, and before the counterman could say "Supersize that?" the guy already had.

Born-again Christian quarterback Tim Tebow drops to one knee as though in prayer following every touchdown. Actually, it as no religious connotations. What he's doing is adjusting his "Lucky Depends" that were given to him by his mentor, Brett Favre, when Tim was a struggling high school QB.

WEDNESDAY, January 4, 2012

2012-01-03T09:41:00.001-08:00

Lowe's Home Improvement stores canceled their sponsorship of "All-American Muslim" on TLC prompting Muslim groups to protest outside a Lowe's in New Jersey. Turns out it wasn't the cancellation that got the riled up -- it was
Lowe's House & Garden associates using slaughtered goats to demonstrate their barbecue grills.

In his new book "Time to Get Tough," Donald Trump says it's time for the U.S. to take off the gloves and confront Beijing. Don's been miffed at the Chinese ever since he walked into a P. F. Chang's for lunch and the chef took one look
at his hair and thought he was delivering the bird's nest soup.

This year's Super Bowl Halftime will be sponsored by Bridgestone Tires and will feature Madonna in a "Salute to the 1970s." And what an entrance they have planned. She'll jump out of a giant Bridgestone radial wearing her trademark
black mesh hose and a bra with pointed steel cups.

Some dentists are advising their patients to avoid over-indulging lattes because they may contribute to tooth decay. Urologists feel the same way but for a different reason -- too many lattes cause too many visits to the potte.

WEDNESDAY, January 4, 2012

2012-01-03T09:18:00.000-08:00

Lowe's Home Improvement stores canceled their sponsorship of "All-American Muslim" on TLC prompting Muslim groups to protest outside a Lowe's in New Jersey. Turns out it wasn't the cancellation that got them riled up -- it was
Lowe's House & Garden associates using slaughtered goats to demonstrate their barbecue grills.

In his new book "Time to Get Tough," Donald Trump says it's time for the U.S. to take off the gloves and confront Beijing. Don's been miffed at the Chinese ever since he walked into a P. F. Chang's for lunch and the chef took one look
at his hair and thought he was delivering the bird's nest soup.

This year's Super Bowl Halftime will be sponsored by Bridgestone Tires and will feature Madonna in a "Salute to the 1970s." And what an entrance they have planned. She'll jump out of a giant Bridgestone radial wearing her trademark
black mesh hose and a bra with pointed steel cups.

Some dentists are advising their patients to avoid over-indulging lattes because they may contribute to tooth decay. Urologists feel the same way but for a different reason -- too many lattes cause too many visits to the potte.

TUESDAY, January 3, 2012

2012-01-02T11:39:00.000-08:00

Police in Bethlehem rushed to the Basilica of the Nativity after receiving reports that rival groups of Orthodox and Armenian clerics were fist fighting. Apparently, both groups wanted to provide the Three Wise Men on Christmas Eve and couldn't agree on who would provide the myrrh.

Ocean-going fans are signing up in droves for next summer's Carnival Cruise "Tides of Torture" which will showcase the top slasher movies of the past 20 years. So far the most popular staterooms are on the "Ghoul Deck" and boast a full shower, a veranda and upper and lower coffins.

The Canadian high court has ordered a popular restaurant in Montreal to cease employing topless waitresses. It's pretty much the same Hooters we're used to here in the states only up there, because of the French connection, it's pronounced "whoo-tairs."

The 16-day marriage of Sinead O'Conner did not go unnoticed by the Irish Parliament. They've proposed a measure requiring that all marriages in the Emerald Isle last at least long enough to allow the best man to return his tux to the rental agency.

MONDAY, January 2, 2012

2012-01-01T09:38:00.000-08:00

What looked like a sure bet for Kim Kardashian to capture the shortest marriage crown for 2011 suddenly evaporated when Sinead O'Conner filed for divorce from her new hubby Barry Herridgein after only 16 days. She came so close, too. Isn't twenty days platinum?

In their divorce settlement, Mel Gibson's ex-wife Robyn Moore got several homes, a fleet of cars and clothing that totaled $400 million. She even got some of Mel's duds -- and to add insult to injury, she mooned him wearing the same kilt he had on when he mooned the enemy in "Braveheart."

According to a survey conducted by Major League Baseball, the average player in 2011 collected $3 million in salary. Which, of course, doesn't include hefty signing bonuses for rookies and Hollywood starlets for veterans.

Bowl games were traditionally named after fruit -- the Orange Bowl, the Peach Bowl, the Citrus Bow but now fast food companies are getting into the act. At the Little Caesar's Pizza Bowl, the fans were constantly reminded of the sponsor. For the coin toss, instead of a coin, they used pepperoni.

FRI, SAT, SUN, December 30, 31, 1

2011-12-29T08:20:00.000-08:00

Elizabeth Taylor's entire jewelry collection was auctioned at Christie's for $140 million. So close and yet so far. Just one more marriage to Richard Burton would have nudged her over the $150 million mark.

The National Transportation Safety Board is urging states to ban all drivers from using any electronic devices while behind the wheel. Are they kidding? Like long-haul truckers would go along with a ban like that. "Ten-four, Rubber Duckie!"

The NFL signed a TV deal with Fox, CBS, NBC and ESPN that pays the league $28 billion. That's a record. The largest sum ever paid by Americans to a group of businessmen, not one of whom is Chinese.

Facebook has relocated to a new headquarters in Menlo Park, California. Unique building, though -- no rooms, just walls.

THURSDAY, December 29, 2011

2011-12-28T09:51:00.000-08:00

New York police issued an Amber Alert when a nine-year old Tennessee girl flying by herself failed to arrive at JFK. Turns out Continental had rerouted her plane without notifying the girl's
grandparents. In Continental's defense, they did keep her in a safe place during the unscheduled
flight -- it was in he overhead bin, but still. . .

White Castle claims they're the first fast food emporium to offer beer and wine. Actually,
McDonald's tried it some years ago, but customers refused the test required before being
allowed to drive out of the parking lot -- blowing into a balloon that came with the Happy
Meal.

The Chilean newspaper La Tercera was ordered by a court to pay damages to readers who were
injured when a recipe they had read in the paper exploded. This probably spells curtains for the
popular personal advice column "Ask the Unabomber."

In a first for the NFL, owners have approved the sale of the Jacksonville Jaguars to Pakistani
businessman Shahid Khan. Team stats should improve dramatically. If the players don't shape up immediately, Shahid has instructed the coach to stone them.

WEDNESDAY, December 28, 2011

2011-12-27T15:26:00.000-08:00

If you thought the Tiger Woods divorce was a professional athlete's worst nightmare, prepare for the Kobe Bryant prenup-a-thon. With the cars, the houses and the country club memberships already on Vanessa's score card, Kobe's attorneys have advised him to get too attached to his tattoos.

The once proud and indomitable Chicago Bears were eliminated from the playoffs at the hands of the Green Bay Packers, 35-21. For some brighter numbers, former Bear wide receiver Sam Hurd may have his federal drug dealing penalties reduced from life to 75 years.

Anxious to preserve their dwindling core of loyal customers, America's major retail chains now have the most forgiving return policies in history. For example in one store, a shoplifter gets his choice of a new item or one returned by another shoplifter and refurbished.

Los Angeles School District Police are investigating a rash of burglaries in which only tubas were taken from high school music department storage lockers. The cops set up a giant sting operation focusing on German beer parlors and Bowl games.

TUESDAY, December 27, 2011

2011-12-26T11:04:00.000-08:00

Evidence is emerging that North Korean President Kim Jung Il may have been assassinated by the Army or by his son, Kim Jong, Jr.. Even worse, CIA photo analysts say the body shown lying in state may actually have been that of Marty Allen.

Big year for film pooches. In "Young Adult," Charlese Theron travels with her Pomeranian, the gendarme in "Hugo" patrols with a vicious Great Dane, and the leading man in "The Artist" is followed around by a Charles Russell terrier. All are up for this year's Irving Thalberg "Kibbles 'N' Bits Award" at the Oscars.

A predator drone like the one flown over Iran was used to expose ranchers stealing cattle in North Dakota. That's the good news. The bad news is the drone was later shot down by agents of the National Cattle Rustlers Association and now officials fear they'll reverse engineer it.

New York Yankees diamond wizard Derek Jeter reportedly pays bimbos he's picked up for one-night-stands with a pre-autographed baseball. Although, he claims it doesn't work very well on road trips. The balls usually roll off the dresser and wake them up.

MONDAY, December 26, 2011

2011-12-25T10:03:00.000-08:00

Carnival Cruise Lines is taking reservations for its April "Tides of Torture" cruise of the Caribbean that will feature all of the hit slasher movies of the past two decades. It will be the maiden voyage of their new 3,000-passenger luxury cruise liner the SS Freddie Krueger.

When Customs officials in Mexico City noticed a "tourist" who matched a photo on an international watch list, they refused to allow Moammar Kadaffi's son to enter the country. Just as well. If he thinks the Lybian people sought their revenge on dad, wait until he gets a taste of Montezuma's.

Researchers in Israel have developed a molecular "car" that can be inserted into the body to diagnose illness. Some problems while testing it, though. A doctor driving it through a patient's colon was texting and accidentally veered off into the patient's spleen.

Whoopie Goldberg is denying rumors that she passed wind while in the midst of interviewing a guest on "The View." In Whoopie's defense, the National Weather Service denied that their instruments detected any more wind coming from the studio than usual.

FRI, SAT, SUN, December 23, 24, 25, 2011

2011-12-22T13:49:00.000-08:00

For the first time in Sunday Night Football history, a game at San Francisco's Candlestick Park was delayed when the lights went out. Niners management learned a good lesson. You can leave your heart in San Francisco and nothing happens, but forget to pay your electric bill and. . .

Items of Hollywood memorabilia was sold including props and set decorations from "The Wizard of Oz." Dorothy's famous ruby slippers went unsold, though. Actually, the auction was canceled when the auctioneer found a Munchkin curled up napping in the left one.

Fans are anxiously awaiting the start of the Beach Boys' "50th Anniversary Tour," scheduled for next summer. Should bring back memories. In the promotional video, several of the Boys are actually seen riding the waves -- using walkers balanced between two surfboards.

You can now purchase for only $250 a share of the Green Bay Packers that accrues no dividends and may not be sold or traded. There's absolutely no profit in owning any. It's like owning, say, a share in the company that makes "Jerry Sandusky Bath & Shower Fixtures."

THURSDAY, December 22, 2011

2011-12-21T10:29:00.000-08:00

Long feared as a crazed madman with his finger on the nuclear button, North Korean dictator Kim Jong-Il has died at age 69. Despite his ruthless reputation, he did possess a unique sense of humor. For instance, he pre-ordered his headstone to read: "I told you I was Il."

Newt Gingrich says that if he becomes president, he'll have Supreme Court Justices arrested if they make decisions that threaten American values. Is he kidding? Only one man in history could do that -- J. Edgar Hoover. Hasn't Newt seen the picture?

Exceeding all pre-publication expectations, Playboy Magazine's December issue featuring nude photos of Lindsay Lohan is breaking circulation records. Lindsay is said to be so proud of her layout, so far she's shoplifted forty copies.

Rolls-Royce Motors in London is now selling a gold-plated model with a sticker price of $1.5 million. The first American owner lives in Los Angeles and received it as a gift from her husband. Chances are that Mrs. Bryant will get to keep it in the divorce settlement.

WEDNESDAY, December 21, 2011

2011-12-20T09:31:00.000-08:00

According to leading audiologists, the 20% of the American public suffering from hearing loss all share similar causes: too many rock concerts, a job near heavy machinery or being at that Padres game when Roseanne Barr sang the National Anthem.

A well-known lingerie manufacturer in Colombia staged what is believed to be the first fashion show in a passenger jet cruising at 13,000 feet. Making it the first fashion show where the air was thinner than the models.

Warren Buffett shocked everyone in publishing by actually paying $200 million for the floundering Omaha World Herald. Warren's eyes aren't what they used to be. Turns out he misread the contract and thought he was buying Obama an endorsement from the World Heritage Foundation.

In Salt Lake City, a flock of migrating birds suddenly veered off course and dove head first into a nearby parking lot of a Wal Mart. While at a loss to explain the strange behavior, several leading ornithologists theorize that they may have been looking for some engines on a jet flown by Sully
Sullenberger to fly into.

TUESDAY, December 20, 2011

2011-12-19T11:53:00.000-08:00

Vanessa Bryant, wife of super-Laker Kobe who stood by him during admissions of on-the-road adulterous dalliances, has filed for divorce. She's charging the net star with irreconcilable differences -- of what constitutes a suitably-carited apology diamond.

Chicago Bears wide receiver Sam Hurd is charged with attempting to buy ten kilos of cocaine and 1000 pounds of marijuana to supply his drug distribution ring. On a more positive note, he's taking a class in Political Science from his cell-mate, former Illinois governor Rod Blagojevich.

A Chicago disrobing emporium is offering free lap dances to men who agree to donate an unwrapped Christmas toy to homeless children. Actually, they can donate wrapped toys but the girls keep unwrapping them out of habit.

The Animal Rescue Center of Milwaukee is generating national publicity for its annual fund drive by displaying a kitten that was born there with 26 toes. Only six weeks old and already the kitty is a world record holder -- she can shred an entire leather couch in 6.8 seconds.

MONDAY, December 19, 2011

2011-12-18T09:36:00.000-08:00

GM is offering to buy back Chevy Volts after several models of the revolutionary electric automobile suddenly burst into flames. Ever alert to turn lemons into lemonade, the automaker also offers a free kit that converts the car into a very serviceable outdoor grill.

Eager to present the best of the British experience, Olympics officials have appointed Princes William and Harry as "goodwill ambassadors." They'll recommend the best London restaurants, theaters, tours and, for the Russian women athletes, the most popular shaving parlors.

Australian Customs authorities placed Kim Kardashian on an immigration "watch list" after she was found conducting business without proper permits. Seems she was promoting her line of designer clothing while trying to interest Crockodile Dundee in a three-month marriage.

Much secrecy surrounded the recent visit to Colombia by Charlie Sheen, reported to be scouting locations for his next picture. According to inside sources, the film will depict the life of a successful cocaine kingpin and is tentatively titled "Two and a Half Nostrils."

FRI, SAT, SUN, December 16, 17, 18, 2011

2011-12-15T08:06:00.000-08:00

Diamonds, rubies and emeralds in the estate of Elizabeth Taylor sold at auction for a record $115 million. Oft-married Liz was an accomplished actress... a successful philanthropist... and a role model for Kobe Bryant's wife.

Time Magazine announced their Person of the Year for 2011 is "The Protester." The Occupy Wallstreeters barely edged out Newt Gingrich, but Time's editors have shied away from power-crazed megalomaniacs since 1939 when they drew so much flack for naming Adolph Hitler.

In the biggest sports-politics story since former quarterback Gerald Ford ran for the House, Craig James, an analyst at ESPN, announced he'll seek a U.S. Senate seat. When asked his party affiliation, he told reporters he'll be running as a "Free Agent."

Both TLC and A&E have passed on a pitch for a reality show based on Todd Palin's career as a snowmobile race driver. Still on the Family Channel's drawing board however, is a sitcom focused on the home life of the famous couple tentatively titled "Fluke & Flake."

THURSDAY, December 15, 2011

2011-12-14T11:44:00.000-08:00

Alec Baldwin got into a Class A scuffle with an American Airlines hostess over his refusal to hang up his cell phone. Fans and supporters alike were shocked. They have one question. He's Alec Baldwin, for Pete's sake. Why doesn't he charter a Learjet and talk on his cell all he wants?

A female Wal Mart customer in Tulsa was caught mixing a batch of crystal meth in the store's Housewares Department. The store's Santa wandered by, thought it was holiday eggnog, and had to be plucked off the roof by a police helicopter.

A man hunting ducks near Salt Lake City was shot by his golden retriever who stepped on his shotgun. Officials at Winchester Arms, speaking through their attorney, continue to insist that their "Dick Cheney Model 300" has a pet-proof safety.

Dick Cheney says that the Pentagon should have destroyed that U.S. surveillance drone brought down in Iran. He claims he would have handled the situation differently. Maybe, but how easy would it be to convince Amadinajhad to go hunting with him?

WEDNESDAY, December 14, 2011

2011-12-13T16:21:00.000-08:00

According to the watchdog organization the Committee to Protect Journalists, more newsmen are incarcerated worldwide than ever. On the plus side, the inmate-produced newspaper in Colombia's maximum security prison "La Graybar Hacienda" is up for two Pulitzer prizes and a Peabody.

When the press reported that Lindsay Lohan had her purse stolen with $10,000 in it, some people were shocked that any woman would walk around with that much in her purse. But in Lindsay's defense, do you have any idea how much "Murray's Ankle Bracelet Deactivation of Encino" charges?

George Giuliani, Long Island University professor, has written a book condemning "Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer" as a story that glorifies bullying by the other reindeer. He plans several sequels including "The NRA Says 'Die, Bambi, Die!'" and "The Mad Hatter Promotes Drug Addiction."

Viing for the annual Grinch Who Stole Christmas Prize, a family in Miami snuck onto a neighbor's roof and stole a Santa lighting display complete with sleigh and reindeer. The police had no trouble locating the thieves. They forgot to unplug them.

TUESDAY, December 13, 2011

2011-12-12T11:31:00.000-08:00

GOP presidential hopeful Governor Rick Perry continues to show signs that he may not be the brightest bulb on the string. During a stump speech he referred to the "eight members of the Supreme Court." Then, attempting to name them, he stumbled when he got to Justices Donner and Blitzen.

As violent demonstrations raged in sixty cities of the former Soviet Union, there are signs that Prime Minister Vladimir Putin, long criticized for his harsh treatment of dissidents, may be treating them more humanely. He still water boards them but now he use Perrier and Avian.

Faced with a dwindling astronaut corps due to natural attrition and a rash of retirements, NASA has been interviewing potential replacements. Several applicants survived the psychological and mental testing but were rejected when the physical revealed that they were Tang intolerant.

The Los Angeles Angels have signed diamond wizard Albert Pujols to a record-breaking $250 million contract. Which makes Albert the highest paid Angel since God inked Gabriel to that 2500 year gig.

MONDAY, December 12, 2011

2011-12-11T08:22:00.000-08:00

A family in Columbus, Ohio returned home to find their Christmas tree had been completely decorated and stockings hung my the chimney. Police are confidant they'll catch the intruder. Luckily, a neighbor was able to jot down the license number of his getaway sleigh.

In Tokyo, auto giant Toyota has unveiled a street-legal vehicle that's best described as a cross between a Laz-E-Boy adjustable recliner and a motorcycle. Intended primarily for the elderly, it can be kick-started with a cane.

Charlie Sheen has been signed to star in a movie to be filmed in Colombia. He's already traveled to Bogota to scout locations and while there he did some Christmas shopping. He was spotted by local reporters buying wreaths, mistletoe and nose-candy canes.

Recent studies have confirmed what scientists had suspected for years -- that excessive use of laptop computers causes infertility in men. Just in time for last-minute Christmas shoppers, master-marketer Toshiba debuted their new 17-inch screen, "Trojan 500."

FRI, SAT, SUN, December 9, 10, 11, 2011

2011-12-08T10:50:00.000-08:00

One of the bidders to purchase the Los Angeles Dodgers is Larry King. The players are already demanding they be traded if the rumors circulating around the club are true -- that they'd be required to wear suspenders on the field.

Issue #1 of Action Comics recently sold at auction for in excess of $2 million. Ironic, isn't it? That's the issue in which the Metropolis police chief seeks Superman's help in catching a publisher of overpriced comic books.

Seventies model/actress Christie Brinkley has vowed to straighten out her current problems with the IRS. Seems they take the position that declaring medical deductions of $8.3 million for fad diets was a tad excessive even for a model.

At the urging of medical authorities, Great Britain is considering a bill that would ban smoking in all automobiles and lorries. The health threat doesn't come from the tobacco use as you might think. Seems it gets so smokey in some cars, drivers inadvertently turn into a restaurant.

THURSDAY, December 8, 2011

2011-12-07T12:26:00.000-08:00

Target has banned Salvation Army bell-ringers in front of their stores. It's not that they're against charities collecting funds for the disadvantaged -- what got them up-in-arms was the Army's refusal to purchase their kettles from Target's Home & Garden Department.

The U.S. Postal Service, faced with massive losses, will close hundreds of mail-sorting centers and cut back deliveries. Under their new guidelines, you should mail your Christmas gifts now to insure arrival by December 25 -- 2010.

Oceanographers are appealing to the public to report instances of hearing pilot and killer whales "singing." For those unfamiliar with undersea taxonomy, pilot whales are killer whales who need at least three Margaritas before they can take off on a hunt.

The San Francisco Board of Supervisors has voted to ban McDonald's Happy Meals because the small toys included in them pose a choking hazard. Which will disappoint the kids who have discovered that the toys usually taste better than the meal.

WEDNESDAY, December 7, 2011

2011-12-06T12:46:00.000-08:00

Al-Jazeera will soon debut a new sports network providing daily reports on Middle East athletics. Included will be exclusive worldwide coverage of major events at the region's most popular arena -- Madison Square Garden of Allah.

For the first time, the FDA has lifted the once-sacrosanct ban on human consumption of horse meat. Several national fast food chains have already taken advantage of the new law. For instance, McDonald's popular Egg McMuffin is now served on a warm sea biscuit.

All of the popular "Sesame Street" Muppets are now being shown on Afghan television. In the premier episode, Kermit the Frog enthralled Afghan youngsters with his signature song "It's Not Easy Being in the Green Zone."

At the Scottsdale Rod and Gun Club, Arizona children can have their picture taken sharing Santa's lap with a Winchester 30-30 deer rifle. Each kid photographed becomes eligible for the big Christmas Eve drawing in which the winner gets to shoot Rudolph.

TUESDAY, December 6, 2011

2011-12-05T13:22:00.000-08:00

Child welfare authorities in Newark, New Jersey took a child away from a couple who had named him "Adolph Hitler." The parents wouldn't have reported him if the kid's first words hadn't been "Tomorrow, we invade Poland!"

The US Air Force Academy has installed a Stonehenge-like area where cadets who practice witchcraft may worship. Which is so popular, they've changed their fight song to "Coming in On a Wing... a Prayer... and an Incantation."

San Diego Charger place kicker Nick Novak is facing disciplinary action because a TV camera caught him relieving himself on the sidelines during a game. On a more positive note, his doctor watching at home diagnosed a urinary tract infection.

The Pentagon has unveiled a super-rocket capable of hitting any target on the planet within an hour. Unfortunately, they cost $10 billion apiece to build and China won't give us the money.

MONDAY, December 5, 2011

2011-12-04T09:41:00.000-08:00

The LA Sheriff's Department is reexamining the tragic death of Natalie Wood. They ruled out
murder, though. New evidence indicates she may have jumped overboard to get away from listening to Robert Wagner explaining reverse mortgages.

A new AMA survey shows that within a year 50% of all practicing physicians will rely on electronic devices exclusively. Mine already is. I called him last week because I had indigestion and he said, "Sounds like a virus in your firewall. Could be an allergy to Blackberries. Of course, I won't know until I see the Blu-Rays."

A Delta Airlines pilot recently got stuck in the restroom when the door latch malfunctioned. The
crew was becoming concerned that the plane wouldn't be able to fly itself, but even worse, the
stewardess had to leave his margaritas on the floor outside the door.

An elderly man in Moline, Illinois accidentally donated his suit to Goodwill with $13,000 sewn into
the seams for safe-keeping. Luckily, police quickly spotted the recipient of the second-hand suit.
He was pushing a shopping cart with a new set of Michelin steel-belted radials with mag rims.

FRI, SAT, SUN, December 2, 3, 4, 2011

2011-12-01T08:05:00.000-08:00

Completing his military training in Arizona, Britain's Prince Harry rented a Harley and biked across the dessert to Las Vegas. Universal has already optioned the rights to the film they plan to call "Harry of Arabia."

Lady Gaga has released her first Christmas album of holiday favorites. Her penchant for wearing meat products is reflected in a few of the cuts like "Oh, Little Armor Star of Bethlehem"... "I'm Dreaming of a White Castle Christmas" and "Fillet Ride."

The Indian Ministry of Commerce has opened its doors to supermarkets already successful in other countries. They have a big advantage in India. When a computer in the check-out line breaks down, the tech support people are right there among the shoppers.

You can now avoid banks by opening a debit card account with Wal-Mart. They're even offering a premium for first-time customers who sign up for their MoneyCard -- a free pass to watch them unload the cargo containers from China.

THURSDAY, December 1, 2011

2011-11-30T14:10:00.000-08:00

Drug Enforcement agents discovered a long, fully-ventilated tunnel being used to smuggle marijuana into San Diego. Now it's being put to lawful use. After the pot was removed, commuters began using it as an alternative to the bumper-to-bumper 405.

The National league cellar-dwelling Huston Astros will relocate next season to the American League. Forget the designated hitter rule. What they're really hoping for are some designated WINS.

The Christmas Season is now in full swing and even the Salvation Army is feeling the effects of the recession. They're so short of bell-ringers, they had to ask the Defense Department for some whistle-blowers.

Godfather director Francis Ford Coppola confided to an interviewer that he regrets making all those Corleone family sequels. While he was at it, he apologized to PETA for cutting off the head of a real horse in`the first one.

WEDNESDAY, November 30, 2011

2011-11-29T10:59:00.000-08:00

Former "American Idol" winner Ruben Stoddard has been dropped by his wife of three years. From now on, he plans to marry Kardashians. He figures if his marriages aren't gonna last, he'd rather have a lifetime of great sex compressed into a couple of months.

A study on urban living shows that rich people walking from room-to-room in their over-sized mansions often forget what they were doing. Except when they're banished to the den for getting caught doing it with the maid.

A study by Triple A shows that hybrid automobiles are in far fewer accidents than gasoline-powered vehicles. The difference is attributed to their smaller size, slower speed and when a driver's heart pacemaker suddenly quits on him, the car's battery automatically kicks in.

According to the danger list issued annually by "World Against Toys Causing Harm," the "Samurai "Mega-Blade from Power Rangers is this year's most dangerous toy -- barely edging out the second place finisher, "Let's Play Coach" from Penn State Toys & Games.

TUESDAY, November 29, 2011

2011-11-28T14:05:00.000-08:00

Meryl Streep is getting good buzz for her role as Margaret Thatcher in "The Iron Lady." The title had to be cleaned up to please the American censors. In Spanish-speaking nations, it's called "Cajonas en 10 Avenita Downing."

Upscale clothier Benetton was forced to withdraw a print ad showing Pope Benedict XVI kissing a Muslim cleric on the lips after Catholics complained. And that was the scaled-down version. In the first version, they used an altar boy.

Italian is such an expressive language. For instance, "paterno" in Italian means "father figure." Joe must have been that and more to Coach Sandusky. Almost every weekend, he gave him the keys to the shower room.

Figures compiled by the Census Department show that a college degree today is worth about $1 million over the life of its recipient. That's nothing. The ones that NBA players were supposed to get but didn't are worth a hundred times that much.

MONDAY, November 28, 2011

2011-11-27T11:46:00.000-08:00

Agreement in the NBA strike settled after players decided to file an anti-trust action against the league. For those of you unfamiliar with legalese, "anti-trust" is the one Mrs. Bryant always threatens Kobe with to get another ring.

Microsoft has been commissioned to design the rooms for a luxury hotel being built in Paris. However, their first blueprints were rejected after test subjects reported that they had trouble sleeping in them. Too many windows.

With mortgage defaults at a record high, unemployment figures through the roof, the national debt set on self-destruct, the U.S. has never been in more dire straits. In fact, there are reports that China is getting buyer's remorse.

The Pentagon has been complaining that if the cuts proposed by the Democrats are approved, the defense Department will end up with their smallest budget since World War II. On the other hand, isn't World War II the last one in the winning column?

FRI, SAT, SUN, November 25, 26, 27, 2011

2011-11-24T07:53:00.000-08:00

It's remarkable these days how people who retire are able to reinvent themselves and find new careers. Like the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade had two new floats this year -- Larry King and Regis Philbin.

The Food and Drug Administration is being careful to use the $600 million Congress gave them to expose Big Tobacco wisely. So far, they've pointed out that Joe Camel isn't cool. In fact, he's not even a camel -- he's a dromedary.

In "The Descendants," now playing in theaters, George Clooney is a member of one of Hawaii's richest family. In fact, they're so rich they don't even have a regular doorbell. When someone comes to the door, Don Ho opens it and sings "Tiny Bubbles."

World Physicists have added three new elements to the Periodic Table which join elements like carbon and aluminum. One of the new ones is even harder than a diamond. Kobe Bryant has already had a ring for his wife made out of it.

THANKSGIVING DAY November 24, 2001

2011-11-23T09:12:00.000-08:00

A government auditor's report shows that the U.S. Postal Service lost a whopping $5.1 billion last year. The breakdown shows that $1.8 billion went for salaries, $2.6 billion for vehicle maintenance and $700,000 for pepper spray.

A frequent flier has filed a lawsuit against Southwest Airlines over their refusal to honor free drink coupons he's accumulated over the past several years. I sympathize with the guy but I wish the airlines would just pay their pilots a regular salary like they used to.

Bob Barker told a Congressional committee investigating animal cruelty that circus trainers punish their elephants by making them dance on tiny foot stools. Hey, Bob, is that any worse than forcing women to stand around pretending to be using household appliances?

A Maine couple age 88 and 87 who met in a nursing home have requested a marriage license from the County Registrar. If you'd like to send them a gift, they're registered at Bed With Side Rails, Bath & Beyond.

WEDNESDAY, November 23, 2011

2011-11-22T10:07:00.000-08:00

On Thanksgiving, ABC will air their first holiday special hosted by Lady Gaga. It will be a typical Thanksgiving celebration with turkey, oyster dressing, mashed potatoes, cranberry sauce and pumpkin pie. And that's just her wardrobe.

Former First Daughter Chelsea Clinton has landed an on-air gig with NBC. Maybe they should think of rescheduling, though. Her show is between "Cooking with Monica Lewinsky" and "Let's Go White Water Rafting!"

Thanks to massive budget cutbacks resulting in extensive city employee layoffs, the Chicago coroner is so short-staffed, the storage locker at the morgue is now piled high with corpses -- or, as they refer to them in Chicago, "votes."

While she regrets her decision to file for divorce against husband Ashton Kucher, Demi Moore told reporters that she places full blame on the age issue. She caught him cheating with much younger women.

TUESDAY, November 22, 2011

2011-11-21T12:17:00.000-08:00

Parents complained to L.A. Unified School District officials when they learned that a well-known porn star was allowed to read a story to their first-graders. Until now, nobody had any idea what "The Little Engine That Could" did on his day off.

The producers of "Happy Feet 2" now playing in theaters are defendants in a multimillion dollar lawsuit filed by the Vatican and alleging theft of intellectual property. The church claims that the penguins' wardrobe was lifted almost entirely from the Little Sisters of the Poor.

Video game fans are flocking to purchase "Call of Duty 3," reportedly the most realistic police video ever made. Some gamers are taking the advice of the game's makers to add even more realism by playing it in a do-nut shop.

After lengthy and heated negotiations, L.A. Dodger home run wizard Matt Kemp has signed a new contract with the club. Under the terms of his new pact, he'll receive $160 million in salary and three Hollywood starlets to be named later.

MONDAY, November 21, 2011

2011-11-20T08:35:00.000-08:00

The NBA lockout is having devastating effects on businesses that rely on the regularly-scheduled games like restaurants, hotels, and auto-rental agencies. Without the usual player traffic, Big Five reported a 67% drop in the sale of hand-gun ammo.

There are now over 500 Starbucks in China. They're just as over-priced as ours, but over there if you're a little short they'll give you a low-interest loan to cover the balance.

According to the Journal Nature, woolly mammoths coexisted with native Americans as late as 6000 years ago. Actually, they got along pretty well. Any Indian who could survive the shearing ended up in an expensive-looking designer suit.

Stung by the toxic mortgages scandal and beset by declining revenues, Citigroup will be forced to cashier over 3000 longtime employees. They'll also be changing their name to Citi Skeleton Crew.

FRI, SAT, SUN, November 18, 19, 20, 2011

2011-11-17T10:07:00.000-08:00

With all her legal entanglements, Lindsay Lohan had a problem scheduling the shoot for her January Playboy spread. Get ready for this. She'll be shown naked picking up trash on the Hollywood Freeway.

Never one to miss a marketing opportunity, Nike is has introduced their new "NBA Lockout 500" basketball shoe that will sell for $87.50 a pair. They were assembled in a Malaysian sweatshop by underage workers on strike.

Won't be long before Nissan will market an electric car with a battery that will charge in ten minutes. Even with all the technological breakthroughs, some things never change. What do you bet the key to the restroom will still be on a stick?

The doors at all Target stores will swing open at midnight Thanksgiving to mark to start of "Black Friday," America's biggest shopping day of the year. Last year's winner was a 120 pound Ethiopian who completed her shopping in a record one hour, 14 minutes, 6 seconds.

THURSDAY, November 17, 2011

2011-11-16T09:13:00.000-08:00

GOP hopefuls Rick Perry, Michelle Bachmann and Herman Cain all claim they decided to run after God told them to. Well, now we know what God was doing instead of keeping his eye on the Penn State coaching staff.

Michelle Bachmann told reporters that she doesn't consider water boarding torture and thinks the CIA should do more of it. In fact, she said she even tried it once on vacation in Waikiki but kept wiping out.

A professional rugby player in the UK is claiming that he had a stroke that made him turn gay. Not likely when you examine the circumstances. He had the stroke when someone told him that Bette Midler was retiring.

Duke University hoop legend Mike Krzyzewski has tied Bobby Knight for career coaching wins. They have lots in common. Knight was known for throwing chairs across the court. Mike is famous for doing it while a player was still sitting in it.

WEDNESDAY, November 16, 2011

2011-11-15T10:09:00.000-08:00

According to press reports, Eddie Murphy bailed out of his Oscar hosting gig after producer and pal Brett Ratner walked. Actually, there were creative differences, too. He was insisting that they let him host the entire show dressed as Gumby.

Clint Eastwood's new movie "J. Edgar" was made with the full cooperation and aid of the F.B.I. in Washington. They must have really bent the rules for Clint. I was in the Post office yesterday and Leonardo DiCaprio's mug shot was among the Ten Most Wanted.

Wal-Mart is exploring the possibility of placing fully-staffed medical clinics in all of their stores nationwide. Good luck. Sears tried that years ago but shoppers balked -- probably because you had to buy a health insurance policy from the doctor who was also an Allstate agent.

Jane Fonda is currently producing a workout DVD designed especially for seniors. Problem is, you have to do all the exercises while sitting in a Viet Cong anti-aircraft gun turret.

TUESDAY, November 15, 2011

2011-11-14T12:10:00.000-08:00

Convinced that he'll eventually be exonerated from sexual harassment accusations, Herman Cain has agreed to take a lie-detector test to speed up the process. Typical of a former pizza man, he promised to quit the race if he doesn't deliver the truth within 30 minutes or less.

Three men robbed a Washington, D.C. bank of $100,000. Two of them were wearing George W. Bush masks and a third, wearing a Dick Cheney mask, told the teller to hand over all her cash or he'd water board her.

Lindsay Lohan was released from jail after serving only four hours of a 30-day sentence for violating her probation. Apparently, in Los Angeles, celebrity pet owners are allowed to convert their sentences into dog years.

Thanks to massive budget cuts, the City Council in Smithfield, North Carolina no longer provides the police department gas for their cruisers. Next time you're caught in Springfield's speed trap, try bribing the guy with your Shell credit card.

MONDAY, November 14, 2011

2011-11-13T09:31:00.000-08:00

For the first time, the Aflac duck of TV fame will join Charlie Brown and Snoopy in the annual Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade. Executives had to be persuaded to use the customary neoprene rubber to construct the float. They wanted to blow up Gilbert Gottfreid.

A graduate student at M.I.T. has patented a portable vacuum cleaner that's made out of the box it comes in. And for the really cost-conscious, prepackaged dust is available for a slight extra charge.

Michele Bachmann promises that if she ever becomes president, she'll have presidents Reagan, Garfield and Coolidge added to Mt. Rushmore. And she says they'll be carved by a real sculptor, not naturally formed like the present ones.

A crowd of Wall Street protesters camped in a Sacramento park clashed with a group of homeless people who claimed squatters rights. Governor Jerry Brown was so confused, he didn't know which group to pitch his tent with.

FRI, SAT, SUN, November 11, 12, 13, 2011

2011-11-10T12:01:00.000-08:00

After the Penn State Board of Trustees fired coach Joe Paterno for not reporting staff child abuse, Joe issued a formal statement of resignation -- but not before checking the instant replay of the trustees' press conference for loopholes.

Even at age 84, Joe is nothing if not resilient. He's already applied for and been hired to host the Academy Awards.

This scandal is the worst in Penn State history. The whole state is so ashamed, plans have been scrapped to re-issue a Christmas album by Fred Waring and the Pennsylvanians.

Supermodel Heidi Montag has signed with a major publisher to pen her memoirs. And she's already chosen a perfect title to titillate potential readers -- "Here's the Skinny."

THURSDAY, November 10, 2011

2011-11-09T08:09:00.000-08:00

Speculation among royal-watchers in London is that Prince William's new wife Kate Middleton may be with child. No confirmation from the palace, but tell-tale signs persist. The couple recently hired a morning sickness lady-in-waiting.

To curb the spiraling stats on pregnancy and STDs, New York now issues middle school students a life-style "risk card." Risks include heavy petting . . . pre-marital sex. . . oral copulation . . . and enrolling at Penn State.

Chanel has debuted a new perfume entitled "Jersey." Some may find the new fragrance vaguely familiar. It smells like Chanel No. 5 that's had a body floating in it.

The CIA monitors five million tweets a day looking for suspicious communications. They're constantly on the alert for buzz words that could mean trouble -- like "bomb". . . "Allah" . . . "jihad". . . "I.E.D.". . . "Snooki. . .

WEDNESDAY, November 9, 2011

2011-11-08T11:10:00.000-08:00

A jury in Los Angeles found Dr. Conrad Murray guilty of voluntary manslaughter in the death of Michael Jackson. Afterward on the steps of the courthouse, one of the jurors told a reporter it was the prosecutor's poetry that insured conviction -- "If the IV fit, you can't acquit."

L.A. firemen were called out to extinguish a blaze at the famed Magic Castle, the well-known headquarters of the world's leading magicians. Three firefighters were treated for smoke inhalation, two were levitated and one was sawed in half.

The legendary department store Macy's in New York's Herald Square is boasting that it has the world's largest shoe department with 39,000 square feet. Sounds great if your feet happen to be square.

Due to massive budget cuts, city fathers in Smithfield, North Carolina refused to authorize funds to provide their police department with gasoline for their cruisers. Now when dignitaries are welcomed to Springfield, they get a skateboard escort.

TUESDAY, November 8, 2011

2011-11-07T13:01:00.000-08:00

Archaeologists in Patagonia found fossils believed to have belonged to a sabre-toothed squirrel that lived 93 million years ago. At first, they wondered why a squirrel would need such sharp teeth -- then they discovered Fred Flintstone was using him to crack walnuts.

The latest Bond film, "Skyfall,"is filming now for release in early 2012. Longtime fans of the series may be shocked to learn that the effects of the energy crisis have even reached Agent .007. For instance, his specially-equipped Aston-Martin has been replaced by a stripped-down Aston-Prius.

According to a survey of national driving habits conducted by Travel & Leisure Magazine, Miami, Florida boasts the worst drivers. Experts theorize that much of the erratic behavior on the road is the result of obstruction from handicapped parking permits hanging on rear-view mirrors.

Greek prime Minister George Papandreou may be sacked because of the country's economic collapse. Opposition party leaders say he worsened the debt crisis when he used his Olympic connections to place Greek currency on the Gold Medal Standard.

MONDAY, November 7, 2011

2011-11-06T06:59:00.000-08:00

Thick dense fog is being blamed for a horrendous pileup on the thruway outside London that demolished 37 automobiles, lorries and motorcycles. Americans expressed total shock at the devastation. No one suspected that the court would allow Lindsay Lohan to leave the country.

Cher is reportedly upset at the "Dancing With the Stars" judges who made fun of Chaz. Can't blame her. She's afraid it might harm sales of a new single she'll soon release honoring her son's sex-change operation -- "I Got Rid of You, Babe."

New York City's Nighthawk Cinema is the first theater in the state to offer patrons cocktails during screenings. The price may discourage sales, though -- there's a 20-bags of popcorn minimum.

Pro golfer Erik Compton convinced the P.G.A. to allow him to join the Tour even though he's had two heart transplants. They made an exception to the 14-club-per-bag maximum. He'll be allowed to carry two paddles.

FRI, SAT, SUN, November 4, 5, 6, 2011

2011-11-03T08:14:00.000-07:00

Friends and relatives were shocked when Kim Kardashian filed for divorce from her husband of seventy-two days, Kris Humphries. Some welcome news, though, for guests who bought gifts. The couple was registered at "Bed, Bath & If It Doesn't Last Beyond 90-Days You Get a Refund."

A Polish airline pilot is being hailed as a hero after he belly-landed his disabled jetliner in Warsaw. Setting down there wasn't his first choice but air controllers convinced him that he'd run short of fuel before reaching the Hudson River.

Lindsay Lohan has agreed to appear nude in Playboy Magazine for $1 million. She did impose a few conditions, though. The centerfold has to be arranged in such a way that one of the staples covers her ankle bracelet.

Four men aged 65 to 73 were arrested in Gainesville, Florida and charged with domestic terrorism. Seems they were plotting to destroy the national headquarters of A.A.R.P. using pipe bombs stuffed with Metamucil.

THURSDAY, November 3, 2011

2011-11-02T10:03:00.000-07:00

Following the interview of Ruth Madoff on "60 Minutes," Larry King confided to a reporter that he holds no ill will toward Bernie since he recovered all of his $700,000 investment. Of course, Larry has kind of an inside track. He went to grammar school with Charlie Ponzi.

The producers of the new Antonio Bandaras starrer "Puss N Boots" used cutting-edge digital motion software to duplicate exactly a feline's natural movements. There's an intermission halfway through the film when Puss regurgitates a giant hair ball.

The re-release of the six "Star Wars" movies on Blu-Ray raked in $38 million during its first week. That's the good news. The bad news is that in the Blue-ray version, Carrie Fisher's hair looks even more like a helmet.

Is nothing safe anymore? There's a new warning that sugar-free chewing gum can damage teeth. They discovered it strictly by accident when someone noticed that a wad of it was eating through the metal on the bottom of a theater seat.

WEDNESDAY, November 2, 2011

2011-11-01T11:10:00.000-07:00

McDonald's is planning to reintroduce the once-popular McRib Sandwich at most of its
franchises. It's part of a new program designed to insure that no animal parts go to waste. In the
coming months, watch for the "McUdder" and the "McHoof."

L.A. firemen were called out to extinguish a blaze at the famed Magic Castle, the well-known
headquarters of the world's leading magicians. Three firefighters were treated for smoke
inhalation, two were levitated and one was sawed in half.

China's Ministry of Culture issued a blanket ban on all reality TV programming deemed to be
"overly entertaining." First to go was the widely popular "Survivor:Taiwan" in which contestants
voted off the island were shot.

According to a census of the earth commissioned by the United Nations, the world is now the
home of seven billion human beings. And do you think I can get just one of them to show up and
install my new cable TV?

TUESDAY, November 1, 2011

2011-10-31T14:20:00.000-07:00

Virgin Galactic Airlines' Sir Richard Branson is vowing to give his first civilian passengers an experience as close to a real astronaut's as possible -- hours of floating around weightless sipping Tang while wearing a custom-fitted space suit with a built-in catheter.

A public cleanliness survey conducted by Kleenex-maker Kimberly-Clark shows that handles on gas pumps contain more bacteria than public toilets. That tub of dirty windshield squeegee water is highly suspect, too. Last week, the one I was using had tadpoles in it.

After being killed by anti-government rebels, the body of former Libyan dictator Moammar Qaddafi was put on display in a popular Tripoli shopping mall. Quite a sight. They propped him up between Mrs. Field's Cookies and The Gap which was running a sale on medals.

To help speed up their security check-in, the TSA has devised special tests for airline pilots -- walking a straight line, standing on one foot with their eyes closed while touching their nose, and blowing into a balloon.

MONDAY, October 31, 2011

2011-10-30T10:22:00.000-07:00

McDonald's now has a closed-circuit TV channel that delivers kid-friendly programming to its franchises. So far the program lineup includes "The Egg McMuppets," "Big Mac & Molly," and "The McView."

Ashton Kutcher is in hot water with wife Demi Moore. Four starlets claim they Jacuzzied naked with Charlie Sheen's "Two and a Half Men" replacement. Big mistake coming home with bubble bath on his breath.

"Moneyball," the peanuts and Cracker Jack epic starring Brad Pitt as the General Manager of the Oakland A's, may well be the most realistic baseball film ever made. It's so authentic, the theater where I saw it had an organ and a seventh inning stretch.

Troy Polamalu, defensive back for the Pittsburgh Steelers, recently drew a $10,000 fine for calling his wife on his cell phone during a game. And he almost got away with it. He shouldn't have switched to speaker-phone in the huddle.

FRI, SAT, SUN, October 28, 29, 30, 2011

2011-10-27T07:52:00.000-07:00

For the second consecutive year, Michael Jackson topped the Forbes list of dead-celebrity wage earners at $170 million. A new sub-category of celebrities whose careers are dead but who still make money included Lindsay Lohan, Andy Dick and Michael Richards.

Denver Broncos quarterback Tim Tebow supports a pledge of pre-marital abstinence for unmarried young adults. He's really religious. His snap calls usually sound something like "Matthew 13:24... Corinthians 22:12... Leviticus 19:33... hike!"

At the direction of Congress, the U.S. State Department will issue a visa to any immigrant who agrees to buy a home here worth at least $500,000. Already, they're facing their first dilemma -- do they let Roman Polanski back in or not?

To teach Lindsay Lohan that her parole violations just won't be tolerated, a judge ordered her to perform public service at the L.A. Morgue. More effective, really, would be a stint in the cold storage locker where the William Morris Agency stores the remains of dead movie careers.

THURSDAY, October 27, 2011

2011-10-26T09:40:00.000-07:00

A letter written by Albert Einstein to a friend in New York recently sold for $40,000. Its value is contained in what itdiscloses. In it, the world-renowned physicist confesses that his Theory of Relativity was wrong. The formula should have read: E=MC Hammer.

A badly discolored molar with a large cavity that once belonged to John Lennon will soon be up for
auction. The certificate of Authenticity says it was extracted in Liverpool by his future wife who
was working at the time as "Painless Yoko."

Leaked reports from prison officials say Bernie Madoff has received life-threatening beatings from
his fellow convicts. But they're being described as "Ponzi Beatings" -- big burly cons on the
bottom are constantly being relieved by crazed lifers on top so they can go on indefinitely.

The U.S. Labor Department has partnered with Facebook to link employment opportunities with
anxious job-seekers. But the online opportunities aren't exactly primo -- escort services for women
and Guinea pigs in erectile dysfunction studies for men.

WEDNESDAY, October 26, 2011

2011-10-25T09:03:00.000-07:00

To mark the 125th birthday of the Statue of Liberty on October 28, five real-time web cams will be activated on her torch. Along with a view of New York Harbor, viewers can witness tourists being mugged, pockets being picked and wandering itinerants talking to themselves.

A driver for new York's Lickey Split Ice Cream was arrested for dispensing crack cocaine from his truck. And he was getting away with it, too, until one of the kids' parents tipped off the cops when he asked for $150 for a kilo of Rocky Road.

Bruce Willis may be a bit long in the tooth, but he's undertaken to star in yet another sequel to his biggest movie, "Die Hard." But it's not called "Die Hard 3." In deference to its star, it's called "Died From Hardening of the Arteries."

This week marks the 150th anniversary of the transcontinental telegraph that for the first time allowed instant communication over long distances. Not much has changed since. During the first week of operation, several Amish teenagers were cited for telegraphing their friends while buggying.

TUESDAY, October 25, 2011

2011-10-24T12:05:00.000-07:00

Will and Jada Smith have been offered a part-ownership of the Philadelphia 76ers. According to reliable NBA insiders, it's part of a carefully crafted plan to lure Jack Nicholson away from the Lakers.

A panel of physicians and psychologists recommended that New York's Governor Andrew Cuomo approve state-paid sex change operations. If you thought Rent Control was bad, wait 'til the government controls your private parts.

Hard hit by the sinking economy, Medford Oregon's Rogue Valley International Airport has sought permission to place paid ads on their control tower. The air controllers recently rejected a substantial offer from "No-Doz" to have the product tattooed on their forehead.

Queen Elizabeth is on a tour of Australia. During her historic visit Down Under she'll meet with the Prime Minister to discuss the repatriation of aboriginal tribes, the establishment of a new Royal Navy training base in Perth and a Ladyship for Olivia Newton-John.

MONDAY, October 24, 2011

2011-10-23T08:43:00.000-07:00

The World Series Texas Rangers/St. Louis Cardinals match up is heading for the lowest TV ratings in history. Network executives are so desperate to attract
viewers, they've even considered inviting Roseanne Barr to sing the National Anthem.

Hard to believe that the Facebook virtual game "Farmville" is being made into a major motion picture. Harder to believe a porno version has been available
for some time -- "Debbie Does Old McDonald."

The U.S. Justice Department has instructed the F.B.I. to begin closing down medical marijuana dispensaries operating in California. They'll begin with a popular
chain co-owned by Cheech, Chong, Willie Nelson and Woody Harrelson called "Dooby World."

A Detroit man used his nine-year old daughter as his "designated driver" after he removed himself from behind the wheel drunk. Could have been a lot worse.
If they were in Mississippi, the girl would have been his wife.

FRI, SAT, SUN, October 21, 22, 23, 2011

2011-10-20T10:42:00.000-07:00

Second Amendment activists in Georgia filed a federal lawsuit to affirm their right to carry their guns in church. Their crack team of NRA constitutional lawyers claim to have supporting biblical quotes from Matthew, Mark, Smith and Wesson.

Bruce Willis is doing another "Die Hard" sequel, but longtime fans may notice some subtle plot adjustments to accommodate his advancing years. For instance, there's still a heart-pounding chase scene -- but this one takes place on a wheel-chair ramp at a Veteran's Administration rehab clinic.

You know, kids are really inventive. Some of the cleverest discovered that they can soak Gummy Bears in vodka to munch in front of unsuspecting parents. Which might explain the growing popularity of the Betty Ford Day Care Center.

Congress is considering a bill banning over-the-counter asthma inhalers because they contribute to air pollution. The government is getting too touchy about what goes into our lungs. Did you know you can't even give someone mouth-to-mouth resuscitation without a special permit from the EPA?

THURSDAY, October 20, 2011

2011-10-19T13:00:00.000-07:00

After months of legal wrangling, all of which was covered extensively on the sports pages, Dodger owners Frank and Jamie McCourt have arrived at a settlement. Must be a religious connotation to this. During a recent Dodger game, white smoke rose over the Cardinal dugout.

In Montreal, 100-year old British runner Fauja Singh became the oldest person in history to complete a marathon. That's the good news. The bad news is he was disqualified for using a cane.

The Bronx Zoo has an exhibit featuring the world's rarest insects and rodents. It's mainly popular among the millions of tourists who flock to New York each year. Native New Yorkers don't need to travel to the zoo to examine bugs -- they can just look at their sheets.

A study commissioned by the National Highway Safety Council shows that new teenage drivers face a 50% greater chance of wrecking the family car during their first month behind the wheel. Which finally explains the sudden rash of girls quitting high school to marry tow-truck drivers.

WEDNESDAY, October 19, 2011

2011-10-18T09:32:00.000-07:00

After losing Gatorade, AT&T, Gillette and others who all bailed when his marital infidelities came to light, Tiger Woods is ecstatic over his new endorsement deal with Rolex high-end timepieces. His first TV commercial will be for the new Rolex Oyster Philanderer.

After years of turning down thousands of Cuban immigrants living in Miami, the State Department has relaxed restrictions on Americans visiting Cuba. Which may not mean much to you, but Luci Arnaz can now visit the statue of her dad in Havana's Plaza de Ricky Ricardo.

This year's Nobel Prize winners impressed the judges with a theory that our planet is heading for a life-ending cataclysmic explosion. They came up with their hypothesis after careful study of the earth's melting crust, the expansion of volcanic gasses and Mel Gibson's divorce.

Gibson Guitar CEO Henry Juszkiewicz condemned federal agents for charging his company with using wood illegally obtained. It's the worst thing to happen to Gibson since termites found in the drying kiln were traced to the CEO of Fender.

TUESDAY, October 18, 2011

2011-10-17T12:26:00.000-07:00

California governor Jerry Brown has signed a law that provides college subsidies to children of illegal aliens. It was either that or see his lawns go unmowed, his pool go unskimmed, his favorite restaurant table go uncleared, his vegetables go unpicked, his pizzas go undelivered, his. . .

Alabama drug enforcement officials were stunned when they busted a female crack cocaine dealer who turned out to be 80-years old. Unfortunately, she already had a rap sheet that includes drug possession and distribution and three convictions for felony Bingo fraud.

The U.S. government is now stuck with 248,000 foreclosed Fanny Mae and Freddy Mac-financed homes. No doubt about it, Fanny and Freddy left a trail of destruction behind them that makes Bonnie and Clyde look like Donny and Marie.

The former police chief of crime-ridden Oakland, California has taken a security job at Harvard University. He's going from drive-by shootings and drug deal murders to wearing socks with Sperry Top-Siders and seersucker after September 1.

MONDAY, October 17, 2011

2011-10-16T18:02:00.001-07:00

An investigation has confirmed that several popular pitchers with the Red Socks drank beer during games last season. They would have gotten away with it, too, if the manager hadn't noticed the Jacuzzi they were soaking their arms in had a head on it.

Target Stores, Inc. has become the first national retailer to produce a lighter, easier-to-navigate shopping cart. Best new improvement are the in-line, replaceable rubber wheels -- available at a substantial discount -- at Target.

WBC light-heavyweight champion Bernard Hopkins, who successfully defended his crown against Chad Dawson, is the oldest title-holder ever. In fact, he goes so far back, in his first match he had to share the ring with several lions and a Christian.

Bank of America is now charging $5 per month for a debit card -- but not without a loud outcry from longtime depositors. They may make them pay to access their own money, but they're not completely heartless. They also offer a $3 card that allows them to visit their money.

FRI, SAT, SUN, October 14, 15, 16, 2011

2011-10-13T12:18:00.000-07:00

Hank Williams, Jr. made a reference to Hitler while excoriating Barack Obama and immediately lost his job as opening singer on Monday Night Football. They we're a tad unfeeling in notifying him. The six-word telegram read: "Are you ready for some unemployment?"

Herman Cain, once considered unelectable, has surged ahead of Mitt Romney and Rick Perry in the polls. Apparently he's bringing some formerly undecided independents out of the woodwork that some TV pundits have nicknamed "Herman's Hermits."

The pastor of Kansas City's Westboro Baptist Church urged his followers to picket Steve Jobs' funeral because he "failed to give God glory." He's just mad because Steve commandeered the apple Adam took a bite out of and parlayed it into the world's best-known corporate logo.

Several new generations will be introduced to 1960s super-thrush Madonna when she performs at the Super Bowl this year. She'll pay tribute to her original fans with a special "Early Bird Halftime" just for them.

THURSDAY, October 13, 2011

2011-10-12T17:02:00.000-07:00

Sharp-eyed net surfers have discovered several inaccuracies in the Dead Sea Scrolls recently put online in Israel. For instance, Jesus's dad never toured with the Carpenters, the Ten Commandments were never called the Ten Behavioral Guidelines and Lot's wife was turned into a pillar of salt, not Accent.

In London, Paul McCartney, 69, married the American heiress Nancy Shevell who's 51. Some fear their age difference may be a problem and they're probably right. Yesterday she said to him, "Will I still love you when? Paul, when I'm 65, you'll be dead."

A woman in Moscow who had "died" at age 49 suddenly woke up while lying in state. The KGB is investigating the doctor who signed her death certificate. As if Dr. Conrad Murray didn't already have enough legal trouble.

Tiger Woods, currently languishing at the lower depths of the PGA rankings list, has hired himself a new caddy. With the divorce and the endorsement losses, Tiger's having worse financial problems than anyone imagined. He told the new guy he'd have to provide his own pencil.

WEDNESDAY, October 12, 2011

2011-10-11T08:37:00.000-07:00

According to the Retailers Association, this year's most popular Halloween costumes are Snookie and a zombie. One store is cashing in on the trend -- combining both into a getup they call the "Snombie" with plastic fangs that not only suck your blood but also test it for STDs.

During an interview on 60 Minutes, New York police Commissioner Ray Kelly disclosed that his department now has the capability of bringing down an airliner by ground-to-air missile. You have to admit that New York's Boys in Blue have come a long way since "Car 54, Where Are You?"

All major airlines will reduce their number of flights next year. Which means fewer flight attendants, fewer ticket agents and reservations clerks on duty. It also means fewer pilot pre-flight pick-me-ups at the airport cocktail lounge. The National Association of Distillers has already appealed to the F.A.A.

With decades of experience designing sympathy and get-well cards, Hallmark has expanded their line into cards for those who have recently lost jobs. Most are received by the newly-unemployed with appreciation -- with the possible exception of the pink ones.

TUESDAY, October 11, 2011

2011-10-10T08:09:00.000-07:00

Hard to believe that Orlando's Disney World is celebrating its 40th anniversary. Staffers are in 24 -7 partying mode and the gifts to loyal employees are being opened with typical Disney glee -- including for Mickey Mouse another finger on each hand, for Minnie a pair of more stylish shoes and Pluto is sporting a new flea collar.

In his hometown in Austria, Arnold Schwarzenegger, movie hero and former California governor, now has a museum dedicated in his honor. It has three sections -- honoring his movie career, his political career -- and a special display of court subpoenas sponsored by the Domestic Workers of America.

British botanists and cardiologists have joined forces to develop a strain of "super-broccoli" that will help lower heart attack deaths in the UK. But not nutritionally. It has a stem that's digitally programmed to detect an abnormal arrhythmia and dial 911 on the victim's cell phone.

Alarmed by the nationwide rise in childhood obesity, educators in Michigan have proposed a law that will require monthly weight monitoring of all school children. Teachers should get ready for a new excuse -- "The dog ate my diet!"

MONDAY, October 10, 2011

2011-10-09T08:14:00.000-07:00

An internal government audit disclosed that the Office of Personnel Management has paid $600 million to deceased federal retirees since 2011. The Federal Retirement Board says they got the idea from the private sector. They claim to have credible evidence that CNN continued to pay Larry King after his untimely death in 1998.

According to friends who've read the first draft of Arnold Schwarzenegger's memoirs to be published next year, he confesses to having had even more children with his household help. In fact, he wanted Simon & Schuster to call the book "The Help," but they told him it was already taken.

Joining the Slinky and Mr. Potato Head, the makers of Rubic's Cube have applied for entry into the Toy Hall of Fame. May be rough going though. Longtime members Barbie, GI Joe, Chatty Cathy and the Cabbage Patch Kids are picketing to block the nomination.

After years of attending conventions and signing autographs from coast-to-coast, Star trekker Leonard Nemoy has sworn off meeting the fans. Friends say he was devastated to learn that "nemoy" in Klingon means "illigitimate son of Bill Shatner and Lt. Uhura."

FRI, SAT, SUN, October 7, 8, 9, 2011

2011-10-06T09:49:00.000-07:00

NBC has given "The Playboy Club" the axe after only two episodes. Apparently, viewers found it was just too much trouble to wait for a bunch of virtual unknowns to take their clothes off when they could just switch over to "Dancing With the Stars" and watch Nancy Grace.

Amanda Knox is slowly becoming accustomed to being back in the U.S. after spending four years of virtual isolation in an Italian prison. She expressed surprise at how much President Obama's approval rating has plummeted and how different Charlie Sheen looks on "Two and Half Men."

Overcoming a centuries-old religious prohibition, women in Saudi Arabia have finally won the right to vote. Never known to overlook an opportunity to make a killing, Avon has begun marketing a new line of exotically scented dye for them to stick their finger in.

A restaurant called "Obama Fried Chicken" has opened in Beijing. The Chinese love to name food after American politicians. The same restaurant boasts that its Orange Chicken is "the color of John Boehner."

THURSDAY, October 6, 2011

2011-10-05T09:41:00.001-07:00

American exchange student Amanda Knox has been freed after spending four years in an Italian prison on a murder conviction. Emerging from her dank cell into the bright Rome sunshine, she told reporters the first thing she plans to do is take a long, leisurely hike along the Iran-Iraq border.

The new baseball film "Moneyball" is about building a team with players who get on base a lot, not necessarily those who hit home runs. But the fans want the home run hitters. It would be like hiring romantic leads from a pool of guys who only get the bra strap undone.

Steven Spielberg is writing and directing a film based on the life of Abraham Lincoln. According to those who've read the script, he's integrating past successes into the plot. For instance, Abe is now assassinated by a Great White while he and his wife are watching the Aqua Show at Sea World.

Does NBA Commissioner David Stern realize the impact his threat to cancel next year's season means? Nike will have to stop making $195 basketball shoes -- Jack Nicholson may have to go back to Angelica Houston --- and without Kobe Bryant, De Beers says they'll have to declare bankruptcy.

WEDNESDAY, October 5, 2011

2011-10-04T11:30:00.000-07:00

A government audit revealed that last year the Justice Department spent $4 million for sweets and pastries served at conferences they hosted. Wow. Those have to be the most costly government tarts since Gary Hart's and Bill Clinton's.

The Utah state legislature passed a measure requiring saloon-owners to install barriers to separate bartenders from patrons. Apparently it's a biblical requirement -- like their rule that all margarita glasses must be pre-salted in the Lake.

Award-winning celebrity chef Emeril Lagasse has signed with the Hallmark Channel to host a new cooking show featuring haute cuisine of the South. Hallmark will sponsor the as yet unnamed program, but they do have a motto -- "When You Care Enough to Deep-fry the Very Best."

Last week, Barack Obama was confronted by a heckler at LA's House of Blues. American citizens from coast-to-coast were shocked. With unemployment and the national debt at an all-time high, we have a president who's spending time in The House of Blues?

MONDAY, October 3, 2011

2011-10-02T09:08:00.000-07:00

According to a recent study by Travel & Leisure Magazine, New York's Times Square is the world's most popular tourist attraction. The researchers discovered that tourists often cite attractions they've never been to, so they now have a more accurate method -- they ask the pickpockets.

A elk hunter armed with only a cross-bow was attacked by a grizzly bear near Yellowstone National Park. The guy would have been killed if Friar Tuck hadn't distracted him by twirling his rosary beads over his head.

Believe it or not, you can now study the Dead Sea Scrolls on the Internet. And after reading them, you can give them a "thumbs up," post a comment on Moses's wall, and become one of his followers.

To commemorate the anniversary of Henry Hudson's voyage up the Hudson River in 1611, people cheered a replica of his ship the Half Moon. It was named the Half Moon because from the distance, the people on shore thought it was a floating outhouse.

FRI, SAT, SUN, September 30, October 1, 2, 2011

2011-09-29T08:00:00.000-07:00

Ninety-two year old Andy Rooney will bid his fans adieu on Sunday's edition of 60 Minutes after 1,096"Visits From Andy Rooney" and three decades of complaining, kvetching, and harping about everything from gas prices tolong lines at the DMV.

* Andy has been around for so long, when he was hired the stopwatch at the start of the show was a sun dial.

* No one can say he's not exiting stage right with class. He's donated his typewriter to the Smithsonian Museum and his eyebrows to Sy Sperling's Institute of Hair.

A man in California shot his neighbor after the neighbor refused to redirect spotlights that were shining into the shooter's master bedroom. It wasn't the lights that pushed the guy over the edge -- it was those hand shadows of bunnies while he was trying to make love to his wife.

The first long-awaited Dreamliner has rolled off the Boeing assembly line, destined to join the fleet of All Nippon Airlines. The new aircraft features space-age technology and a completely re-configured cockpit with a tube that the pilot blows into and if he's not sober, the thing won't start.

HURSDAY, September 29, 2011

2011-09-28T10:46:00.000-07:00

Four Manhattan subway stations now offer commuters free wi-fi. Could cost more than it's worth, though. Anyone who would get on a New York subway with a $2500 Apple laptop without a couple of $100 an hour, Blackwater-trained bodyguards is asking for it.

A Montgomery Alabama judge gives convicted defendants a choice of jail, a fine or a promise to attend church services every Sunday. He views it as an accurate test of what's more popular -- conjugal visits, Alexander Hamilton or Jesus.

CBS News has exposed several Indian tribes operating usurious loan companies online that are exempt from state or federal laws that control interest rates. Some loan contracts are so strict, they allow repayment only in rifles or firewater.

A factory in Americus, Georgia is making chopsticks and selling them to the Chinese. Taking coal o Newcastle, you say? Well, the Chinese have all of our money that pays for some of the tastiest food in the world. It's only fitting that we're allowed to help them eat it.

WEDNESDAY, September 28, 2011

2011-09-27T10:44:00.000-07:00

The Tea Party plans to convene its own debt-reduction "super-committee" meeting prior to the GOP's. It will be held at a Miami Beach Denny's at the suggestion of Michelle Bachman. Denny's is so grateful, they named a new breakfast after her -- The "Grand Slam Thank You Ma'am."

Once the Queen of the Skies, Pan American World Airways is now the background for a TV series called "Pan Am." The trend toward using defunct American institutions as settings for TV shows may be catching on. The History Channel is working on two of them to be titled "Lehman Brothers" and "Morgan Stanley."

Long-distance swimmer Diana Nyad's third attempt to swim from Florida to Cuba was dashed after forty hours, thanks to life-threatening jellyfish stings. Not surprising since "nyad" is the Russian word for a Soviet cocktail made with brandy and white creme de menthe -- what we Americans call a "stinger."

The Census Bureau reports that 77% of commuters drive to work alone. Which is probably just as well. If they doubled up they'd have even more cash to squander on office collections for silly baby shower gifts, parties for retirees who'd rather just leave, and football pools that only the jocks in Shipping & Receiving ever win.

TUESDAY, September 27, 2011

2011-09-26T14:27:00.000-07:00

Einstein's theory that nothing is faster than the speed of light may be wrong. Atomic scientists have discovered a neutrino that is faster. To add insult to injury, Guinness has certified that there's something even faster than the neutrino -- Joy Behar's tongue.

Hackers invaded Scarlett Johansson's personal web site and have spread nude photos of her across the Internet. To add to her embarrassment, she took the photos herself with her cell phone. This has to be the worst thing to happen to a Scarlett since "Gone With the Wind."

Some upscale restaurants are now doing what was once unthinkable -- allowing patrons to make reservations on the Internet. One big drawback, though. Customers who do that usually find that their waiter is from Delhi and knows nothing but computer menus.

To illustrate their similarity, P.E.T.A. is now integrating photos of animals being mistreated with scenes from well-known porno movies. For instance, scenes from "Deep Throat" are combined with shots showing where chefs get goose liver pate.

MONDAY, September 26

2011-09-25T07:57:00.000-07:00

German scientists in Berlin have developed an automobile that operates itself without the aid of a human driver. Unfortunately, it quickly seems top adapt the bad habits of its owner. Already, one was pulled over and arrested for driving under the influence of WD-40.

A woman airline passenger is suing Homeland Security because her Afro was searched at the Atlanta Airport. Their own fault. She probably wouldn't have objected if they hadn't used a pitchfork.

A couple on vacation in Colorado claimed they had no idea where $10 million worth of cocaine found in their rental car during a routine traffic stop came from. The name alone should have raised some suspicion -- "Across the Ally From the Alamo Car Rental"?

After an amazing 40 years and 10,463 episodes, ABC's "All My Children" is leaving the air. Fittingly, its replacement will be a cooking show called "The Chew," designed especially to teach the average "All My Children" fan how to get used to wearing dentures.

FRI, SAT, SUN, September 23, 24, 25, 2011

2011-09-22T11:32:00.000-07:00

Faced with ever-increasing fan violence during games, the NFL will soon enforce a rule requiring that everyone entering the stadium undergo a pat-down search. They'll be looking for drugs, contraband, weapons -- and in the case of Tony Romo, broken bones.

Police in Berlin are investigating a man who emerged from the forest carrying a backpack and no identification. He proceeded to give the authorities a fantastic story. He says he was hiking with some other guys along the Iran-Iraq border, when suddenly, out of nowhere --

Oceanographers warn that they are finding dangerous levels of floating bacteria caused by rising ocean temperatures. If that doesn't keep you out of the water, let's put it this way: that's like Great Whites being replaced by schools of piranhas.

Police in Pennsylvania are investigating a man accused of defrauding hundreds of unsuspecting members of the Amish community. Seems he sold them overpriced buggies with, according to the police report "seats of genuine leather and isinglass windows you can roll right down in case there's a change in the weather."

THURSDAY, September 22, 2011

2011-09-21T10:57:00.000-07:00

So far has Tiger Woods' star plummeted -- so low has he descended in the PGA rankings -- he may not qualify to play in his own tournament next month at the Sherwood Country Club. That's almost as professionally unthinkable as -- let's see -- it would be like "The View" having to go to a commercial because nobody could think of anything to say.

According to the latest batch of WikiLeaks disclosures, Saudi King Abdullah, who claims to be 82, is actually 92. Kings just seem to have difficulty keeping track of numbers. Larry keeps insisting he's had only four wives.

Former IMF chief Dominique Strauss-Kahn told French TV that he suffered from a "moral failing" when he assaulted a New York chambermaid. But you have to remember the French term for "moral failing" is "le comprimision ala moral" which, roughly translated means, "Undress. I'm on a coffee break."

Microsoft has released its long-anticipated Windows 8 operating system. According to a press release sent out to distributors by Bill Gates, the system's tech support has been completely upgraded and now includes complementary curry recipes.

WEDNESDAY, September 21, 2011

2011-09-20T11:17:00.000-07:00

At the Emmy Awards Sunday night, the Emmy for Best Actress in a Comedy went to Melissa McCarthy of the new sitcom "Mike and Molly." Actually, she suspected she would get the nod when she sat down down before the show and noticed one of the statuettes on the awards table was 30 pounds overweight.

Accepting her award for Best Actress in "Mildred Pierce," Kate Winslet thanked her co-star Guy Pearce who also won for Best Actor. She confessed that she hadn't been that excited on a movie set since her rumble seat scene with Leonardo DiCaprio in "Titanic."

Despite the ongoing struggle to control its anti-social elements, scientists have discovered that body odor is genetic. And archaeologists confirm that the problem has been with us since the dawn of man. They recently unearthed several Neanderthal skeletons that still had pine cones strapped under their arms.

According to the Department of Justice annual report on crime in the US, the stats show a whopping 12% decrease in drug offenses, assaults and domestic violence. The F.B.I. credits stricter enforcement of parole violations, the wobbly economy, and getting Charlie Sheen off the streets.

TUESDAY, September 20, 2011

2011-09-19T12:09:00.000-07:00

The influence of large corporations may extend as far back as biblical times. Archaeologists digging near the cradle of Christianity have discovered credible evidence that the Three Wise men were actually carrying gifts of stocks, bonds and negotiable securities from Goldman-Sachs, Franklin Templeton and Merck.

The San Francisco Board of Supervisors has banned "sexual contact between crowded passengers using public transportation..." Standing passengers must have one hand on the strap and may use the other to read a newspaper or operate a can of mace.

Ultra-luxury car maker Maserati has recalled 763 late model four-door Quattroporte sedans citing suspension problems. According to complaints voiced by numerous owners, the car has a tendency to turn into parking lots of restaurants which have fewer than five stars.

LA grocery clerks have struck major southern California supermarkets. Issues in dispute include management's refusal to pay higher wages, provide more inclusive medical coverage and to change the express line sign from "10 Items or Less" to the more grammatically correct "10 Items or Fewer."

MONDAY, September 19, 2011

2011-09-18T07:50:00.000-07:00

Baltimore's Edgar Allen Poe Museum may close due to budget cuts. A merger has been proposed between the Edgar Allen Poe House and the Winnie the Pooh Plaza financed by a new Hawaiian Restaurant to be called "Poe Pooh Paradise."

The unconventional LA Laker forward Ron Artest has had his name officially changed by the court to "Metta World Peace." He told the judge he's following the example of his twin sisters "Loretta and Henrietta End World Hunger."

"Drive," with Ryan Gosling and Cary Mulligan, is doing well despite the critics who decry the gratuitous violence that includes graphic scenes of humans being tortured, innocent bystanders being cut down by automatic weapons fire and Albert Brooks trying to climb out of his Mini-Cooper.

Police in Miami Beach arrested a driver who, according to witnesses, exposed himself using his car's sunroof. He told the arresting officers he was just following the instructions in the Owners' Manual under "Operating the Moon Roof."