FRI, SAT, September 7, 8, 2012
SEVERE MIGRAINES -- Researchers at Oxford University have developed a computer interface chip that allows the user to gain access to a human brain. The potential for unauthorized use is enormous. For instance, while conducting a routine study on the brains of the Royal Family, they discovered that Elizabeth's brain had been hacked by Queen Latifa and Prince Harry's by Tiger Woods.
ARE YOU READY? -- An NFL study of 3400 former players found that after retirement they face three times the risk of suffering from dementia or Alzheimer's than civilians. But hold on there, Binkie! Attorneys for the insurance companies covering NFL franchises called for an Instant Replay and after further consideration it was ruled that they face only twice the risk.
DINNER AT EIGHT -- "Desperate Housewives" luminary Eva Longoria will soon open a restaurant in Las Vegas devoted exclusively to women. According to a press release, the eatery will be "an updated interpretation of the gilded age when wealth and excessive opulence ruled America's upper class." New "fem-friendly" features include a non-committal menu that allows orders to be changed at any time, room temperature controls at every table and a ladies room with booths.
WHERE'S THE FIRE? -- Serving British Airways flights between Spain and the Isle of Gibraltar, the airport there is the only one in the world sharing its runways with an automobile expressway. Synchronized stop lights are used to control traffic and God help the driver who runs a red light -- you're pulled over by a motorcycle cop in Royal Air Force Harrier jet.
BLADE RUNNER -- Addressing the startling statistic that home table saws cause an average of eleven amputated finger cases per day in ERs nationwide, the Consumer Product Safety Commission is spearheading a campaign to require that all saws automatically shut off when the blade contacts flesh. "The technology is there. Safety should come first," said CPSC spokesman Chuck "Stumpy" Heimler.
Copyright (c) 2012 by Robert L. Mills All Rights Reserved
SEVERE MIGRAINES -- Researchers at Oxford University have developed a computer interface chip that allows the user to gain access to a human brain. The potential for unauthorized use is enormous. For instance, while conducting a routine study on the brains of the Royal Family, they discovered that Elizabeth's brain had been hacked by Queen Latifa and Prince Harry's by Tiger Woods. 
