Despite assurances by Japanese scientists that the Fukushima Daiichi nuclear power facility is not emitting enough atomic radiation to harm the world’s food supply, doctors at the CDC aren’t so sure. They suggest that you AVOID SEAFOOD if:
1) You recently replaced the dead batteries in your TV remote with two sardines.
2) Your urologist is treating your enlarged prostate with a tuna sandwich.
3) The seafood platter at the Red Lobster has been renamed the “Fukushima Special.”
4) The eyes on your Passover gefelte fish are flashing.
5) Your smoked oysters were canned by a company called “Tora! Tora! Tora!”
According to the Guinness Book of records, a 92-year-old woman in Honolulu has become the oldest person in history to complete a marathon. Of course, she began the marathon in 1989, but still…
Caterpillar Tractors has announced that, despite falling profits, the plant will remain in Decatur, Illinois for the time being. Executives made the decision after calculating that at a top speed of .08 miles per hour and .003 miles per gallon, it would take 17 years and $24,638 to move each tractor to Chicago.
Donald Trump is scheduled to drive the pace car at this year’s Indianapolis 500 in May. In an effort to attract the “green” vote, he’ll start the race by announcing “Gentlemen, plug in your engines.”
After months of advertiser boycotts and declining ratings, Fox News has pulled the plug on “The Glen Beck Show.” According to a statement issued by Fox News CEO Roger Ailes, Glen was hired to deliver the craziest, most irrational nonsense on TV and -- well -- then Charlie Sheen came along.
Not that Glen didn’t have plenty of warning signs that his neck was on the chopping block:
a) As he packed on the pounds, Fox anchors could no longer say “fair and balanced” with a straight face.
b) Fox News was charged $5,000 by DC’s Department of Sanitation to clean up the Lincoln memorial.
c) Bill O'Reilly and Greta Van Susteren began addressing him as “Dude.”
d) Moammar Quaddafi called to ask if he wanted to sell the medals on his fake uniform.
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