EMBALMED… FEMA has recalled 35,000 travel trailers after they were found to contain unhealthy formaldehyde levels five times that which is considered normal. They have issued these warning signs that your home may be in danger:
1] Neighbors have taken to calling you “The Coroner.”
2] Your microwave has three settings: “regular,” “defrost” and “decompose.”
3] Your stereo will only play “Swing Low, Sweet Chariot.”
4] The local high school rents space in your garage to store dead frogs.
5] Your home is tented annually for maggots.
PHONETIC… Bush’s tour of Africa will include stops at Benin, Tanzania, Rwanda, Ghana and Liberia. The nitwit has no particular reason to visit these cities, but they were the only ones he could pronounce.
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“I’m looking for a good night’s sleep on the soil of a friend.”______________________________________________
George W. Bush 6/28/2005 On a visit to Denmark
VROOOOM… Wilson’s Leather will cut 1000 jobs and close 162 stores nationwide. May not mean much to you, but Hell Angels members have been placed on a precautionary round-the-clock suicide watch.
SEX & THE CITY… Curators at Zoo Atlanta have announced that they will again attempt to mate their pair of Giant Pandas on loan from China as soon as the cub born last year is weaned. To aid in the process, they plan to show the pair outdoor x-rated panda films like “Deep Trout,” introduce them to bamboo vibrators and centerfolds from “Play Panda Magazine” and offer them counseling from sex advice guru Dr. Ruth Pandaheimer.
DUCK! -- McCain told Larry King that he’d be proud to have Bush join him on the campaign trail. Of course, Skippy would be required to wear a flack jacket, a ski mask and travel under an assumed name, but, hey…
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“You work three jobs? That’s uniquely American, isn’t it? I mean, that is fantastic that you’re doing that.”
George W. Bush 2/4/2005 Omaha, NEB
[] For hundreds of authentic, moronic quotes like this, check out “The George W. Bush Out of Office Countdown Handbook,” available at:
www.sourcebooks.com
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