FRIDAY, January 11, 2008

GOOD WILL HUNTING… In an attempt to bolster his flagging “Mideast Freedom Agenda,” Bush is visiting Israel, Kuwait, Bahrain, the UAE, Saudi Arabia, Egypt and the West Bank. The Palestinians hope he’ll visit Pakistan and poke his head through the sunroof of an SUV.

MELTING WAX… To quell an increase in al Qaeda suicide bombings, the US has launched “Operation Phantom Phoenix.” Not to be confused with “Operation By The Time I get to Phoenix,” which is Glen Campbell’s USO tour.

KNOT TONIGHT… The Golf Channel suspended Kelly Tilghman for two weeks after she told a group of young golf pros trying to overtake Tiger Woods to “lynch him in a back valley.” Kelly began her sportscasting career at a backwoods radio station in rural Mississippi -- WKKK.
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(While conducting a tour of the Oval Office) “That’s George Washington, the first president, of course. The interesting thing about him is that I read three -- three or four books about him last year. Isn’t that interesting?”

George W. Bush 5/5/2006
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STRAIGHT FLUSH… In his federal court appeal, Larry Craig is arguing that the hand signals he used to invite a sexual encounter at the Minneapolis Airport last year was “federally protected free speech.” Larry probably won’t overcome the longstanding Supreme Court maxim: Freedom of speech doesn’t allow someone to shout “Light my fire!” in a crowded mens room.

EXECUTION CONVOLUTION… During oral arguments in a case alleging that the method commonly used in lethal injections is inhumane and constitutes cruel and unusual punishment, Scalia said “The Constitution doesn’t mention the word ‘painless‘.” Apparently, Tony would be all right with death by root canal.

SCALE DIVAS… Two hundred pounder Queen Latifah has joined Valerie Bertinelli and Kerstie Alley as a spokesperson for Jenny Craig. No word yet on which ones will play “Before,” “During” and “After.”
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MASTER WHIPPLE… Kimberly-Clark has unveiled a new line of toddler-friendly toilet tissue that features “where-to-tear” graphics. To help moms educate those slow learners who insist on tearing it lengthwise.

SAY AMEN! -- A survey commissioned by the Southern Baptist Convention found that 72% of non-church goers think that organized religion is “full of hypocrites.” Even more alarming, 84% of regular church goers think there’s a bible quote that says “Blessed are the hypocrites for they shall inherit Pat Robertson.”

GAVE @ THE OFFICE… Police arrested two men who wheeled a dead colleague through the streets of Manhattan strapped to an office desk chair in order to cash his $355 Social Security check. The men have been charged with fraud, larceny and desecrating a corpse. The dead guy is charged with not wearing a seat belt and impersonating a postal employee.

PREEXISTING CONDITIONS… A survey by the London School of Hygiene & Tropical Medicine found that the US ranks below France, England and 18 other countries in annual deaths that adequate health care would have prevented. Several bright spots, though. The US does better than France in preventing deaths by too much sex and edges out England in tooth decay fatalities.
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