Friday 11/30/07

STONE CUTTERS… While visiting George Washington University Hospital for treatment of a persistent cough, Dick Cheney was diagnosed with an irregular heartbeat which was stabilized with electric shock treatment. Actually, his doctors opted for a less invasive procedure to induce shock. They anesthetized him, woke him up, and told him he shot Sean Taylor while hunting.

INTENSIVE CARE… Men’s Health Magazine has ranked their “20 Worst Foods in America” with Aussie Cheese Fries from The Outback topping the artery-clogging list with 2900 calories and 182 fat grams. In hot pursuit and not far behind:

2] Denny’s Grand Mal Seizure Breakfast
3] Appleby’s Macadamia Nut & Caramelized Pork Rind Salad.
4] T. G. Friday’s Deep Fried Lard-On-A-Stick.

McBELCH… McDonald’s has rolled out their new “McSkillet Burrito” which comes with a foil-wrapped packet of “McTums” or, with the supersized version, “McMaalox.”

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KNARLY HARLEY… Archeologists in Valley of the Kings, Egypt have discovered eighteen broken bones in the body of King Tut. Which pretty much explains that tattered leather jacket they found under him with “Evel Tut” embroidered on the back.

SEAT WARMER… Lance Armstrong is rumored to be romantically involved with Olsen Twin, Mary Kate. According to a reliable source, they met when he mistook her for one of his bikes and tried to mount her on the back of his SUV.

BAPTISM… J. Robert Cade, the inventor of Gatorade, which has earned $150 million in royalties for the University of Florida where he was a researcher, has died at age 80. Bob will be cremated and, in accordance with his final wishes, his ashes will be dissolved in a tub of Gatorade and dumped on the winning coach at the Super Bowl.

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“I strongly believe we’re doing the right thing. If I didn’t believe it --- I’m going to repeat what I said before --- I’d pull the troops out, nor if I believed we could win, I would pull the troops out.”

George W. Bush 4/6/06 Charlotte, NC

[] For hundreds of authentic idiotic quotes like this, check out “The George W. Bush Out of Office Countdown Handbook,” available at:
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SAM’S CLUB… Time Magazine reports that 400,000 Americans live full time in a motor home, most of them buying luxury coaches in the $300,000 to $1,000,000 price range. Next time you’re behind one on the freeway, consider this: it’s probably being driven by a 77-year old retired dentist from Keokuk with a heart in about the same shape as Cheney’s whose only training was watching Robin Williams in “RV.” For God‘s sake, don‘t try to pass him!”

AQUATICS… The Catholic League, anti-bias watchdogs for the Vatican, has demanded that Newline Cinema delay the December release of “The Golden Compass,” the movie version of British author Philip Pullman’s book on the grounds that it depicts the pope and his bishops, called “the Magisterium,” as “an ominous controlling governmental authority seeking to eliminate free will.” New Line is holding fast to its scheduled release date, but has offered to cut the pope’s water boarding scene.

S.O.S….While on a 19-day Antarctic voyage tracing the route taken by explorer Ernest Henry Shackleton, the 38 year old cruise ship Explorer sank after hitting an iceberg near King George Island. The 154 passengers and crew boarded lifeboats and were adrift for six hours before being rescued by a Norwegian vessel. All survived. The disaster immediately recalled the sinking of the Titanic under almost identical conditions, but further examination revealed many dissimilarities:

1] The Explorer didn’t have an arrogant, fate-tempting name that rhymed with “Gigantic.”
2] The Explorer didn‘t describe herself as “Unsinkable” --- just “As safe as we could build her.”
3] Explorer’s owner was not on board, determined to win a race with a competing cruise line.
4] Explorer’s iceberg spotter had reliable binoculars.
5] Explorer’s radio operator recognized the Morse code for “Iceberg!”
6] Explorer’s captain wasn’t asleep in his bunk.
7] Explorer’s band was not ordered to play “Nearer My God To Thee” --- but rather “We Shall Overcome.”
8] Explorer’s crew members weren’t the first ones in the lifeboats.
9] None of Explorer’s crew dressed up as women.
10] Leonardo DiCaprio and Kate Winslet don’t want to co-star in a movie about Explorer.