CONDOMONIUM… Olympic officials have announced that free condoms will be supplied in all Beijing hotel rooms during the 2008 Games. Nice gesture, but since they’re endorsed by the Chinese government, they only prevent female births.
GREGORY PECKED… Pope Benedict XVI has issued an order banning “popular music” in all Vatican buildings -- including those decadent Gregorian chants ground out by that depraved order of monks between 675 and 750 AD.
HO, HO, HO… Bob Barker has been chosen as the Grand Marshal of this year’s revamped Hollywood Santa Parade. And Barker drove a hard bargain. Santa had to agree to get a vasectomy.
EMPTY PROMISE… There is new evidence that the Pentagon has underreported cases of brain injuries sustained by the military in Iraq and Afghanistan by 20,000 cases. Twenty thousand and one if you count their brain-dead commander-in-chief.
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“I think we are welcomed. But it was not a peaceful welcome.”
George W. Bush 12/12/05 Philadelphia, PA
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[] For hundreds of authentic idiotic quotes like this, check out “The George W. Bush Out of Office Countdown Handbook,” available at:
www.sourcebooks.com
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LAY-DEE!… Former French president Jacques Chirac is under investigation for awarding phony jobs to cronies while serving as mayor of Paris for 18 years. Officials became suspicious when they noticed the manager of the Eiffel Tower is Jerry Lewis.
WE’RE OFF TO SEE… Midgets and dwarfs who played the Munchkins in 1939’s “Wizard of Oz” have been awarded a star on Hollywood’s Walk of Fame. But there was an unfortunate accident during the installation ceremony in front of Grauman’s Chinese Theater. Three of them fell into one of the footprints.
DOOR JAMMERS… Democratic senators are standing “sentry duty” in their chambers during the Thanksgiving holiday to prevent Bush from sneaking back to make recess appointments of unqualified nominees for vacant positions. Cheney is easier to keep track of. They put a 24 hour GPS monitor on his pacemaker.
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“Unfairly but truthfully, our party has been tagged as being against things. Anti-immigrant, for example. And we’re not a party of anti-immigrants. Quite the opposite. We’re a party that welcomes people.”
George W. Bush 7/01/00 Cleveland, OH
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FAMILY TREE… An infestation of wild pigs is damaging farms, fields and woodlands throughout Texas. Zoologists have traced the destructive species to a single pair of hogs imported from Africa in 1784 that appear to be distant relatives of Tom DeLay.
BUZZ CUT… Hundreds of Christmas trees harvested from forests in the northwest and shipped to Honolulu arrived infested with wasps. Which were immediately rounded up and sold to tourists as “interactive ornaments.”
THRONE POEM… Queen Elizabeth II and Prince Philip recently celebrated their 60th wedding anniversary. It must be remembered, though, that 60 is only twelve in Camilla Parker Bowles years.
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www.bereftontheleft.blogspot.com
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PIT STOP… Pennys gave post-Thanksgiving shoppers a head start by opening their doors at 4 am. Which is great for the gals, but if a guy is in the doorway of a Pennys at 4 am, he’s usually taking a leak.
TOT TOGS… Proudnewbabywear.com offers clothes for toddlers with inscriptions on them like “What happens at Grandma’s, stays at Grandma’s.” They even have one for newborns that says “Nine months all alone in there and all I got was this lousy t-shirt.”
FLORA & FAUNA… The roof of Bill Clinton’s presidential library in Little Rock is planted with energy-saving strawberries, ferns, switch grass and other greenery. Three times daily, Monica Lewinsky presents an excerpt from “Swan Lake” accompanied by the theme from “Fantasia.”
SLEIGH TRAILER… The US Postal Service now requires volunteers who answer letters to Santa to sign a liability release and provide a photo ID. They wanted Santa to wear an ankle bracelet but the ACLU complained.
A Longtime Bob Hope Joke Writer Presents Daily Insightful Topical Satire Of Current Events (Illustrated) Plus Rare Photos From Hollywood's Bygone Era And Excerpts From THE LAUGH MAKERS By Robert L. Mills -- Color Photos From the Book and Rare Classic Vintage Video Clips! Send Your Show Biz Questions to "ASK BOB" at: TheLaughMakers@GMail.com
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