Friday 11/16/07

SLY SILVER… Sylvester Stallone, 61, will return in his third Rambo sequel after 20 years. The Green Beret will journey to Myanmar to overturn its despotic regime. Watch for age-appropriate uniforms and equipment:

1] Combination dog tag/medic alert bracelet
2] Dr. Scholl combat boots
3] Bi-focal night vision goggles
4] Electric bayonet
5] Hand grenades with orthopedic grips
6] Clapper activated tent lantern
7] Sans-a-belt flack jacket
8] Low sodium, high fiber MRE’s
9] Tank with perpetual left turn signal
10] Congestive purple heart medal

M-I-C-K-E-Y…. Officials at Disneyland warned patrons that ashes of loved ones may not be spread in the park after a woman was spotted sprinkling a “white powder” into the water at the Pirates of the Caribbean ride. Let’s just hope they never dump the cryogenically frozen body of their founder in there.

ROCK SOLID… The largest white diamond ever offered at auction, an 84.37 caret stone, brought a winning bid of $16.2 million at Southeby’s. It was purchased by Kobe Bryan to buy, he hopes, at least five years of spousal forgiveness for road game indiscretions.

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“Natural gas is hemispheric. I like to call it hemispheric in nature because it is a product that we can find in our neighborhoods.”
George W. Bush 12/20/00 Washington DC

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DRILL… British Prime Minister Gordon Brown has announced more stringent anti-terrorist security precautions at restaurants, theaters, schools and other places people regularly gather. Needless to say, dentist offices are not on the list.

Pssssss… Starbucks now sells a high-end espresso machine called “The Magnifica” for $999 plus accessories. A tad pricy but Juan Valdez comes to your house and grinds the beans for you.

FALLING STAR… Starbucks shares have nosedived 40% over the past year, attributed to over-saturation of the marketplace. Ah---there’s nothing like the smell of freshly roasted franchisees.

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MEIN UNIVERSHTIKOFF… A world globe found by the Allies in Hitler’s “Eagle’s Nest” in the Bavarian Alps fetched $100,000 at a San Francisco auction. Probably the real McCoy. You can see the holes where the fuehrer poked his pencil into Poland… France… Denmark… Norway… Belgium… Moscow…

ACTION!… The Los Angeles City Council has authorized funds to install dashboard video cameras in 300 LAPD patrol cars. Chief Bratton’s unmarked black Escalade will come equipped with an Emmy-winning director of “Columbo,“ an assistant cameraman from “Quincy” and the lighting director on “Diagnosis Murder.”

BOARDED UP… The National Association of Realtors reports that 38% of home mortgage holders owe more than their property is worth. Surprised? In a country that now owes more than IT’S worth?