Quagmyra Breckenridge

[] New Bush Iraq war plan calls for "benchmarks" that will dictate the rate of US troop withdrawal. (CBS News 10/22)

So many by Cheney's indictment... so many by Bush's impeachment... so many by Rumsfeld's execution... and so on...

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[] On-field violence this season is highlighting NFL pileups that are often referred to as "torture chambers." (USA Today 10/26)

On a more positive note, several engagements have resulted.

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[] Preakness winner Bernardini is an 8-5 favorite to win the Breeders Cup. (USA Today 10/26)

Not to be confused with longtime papal nuncio Pasquale Cardinal Bernardini who is referred to by many of his colleagues as a "pontiff-in-waiting."

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[] An Israeli jet fired on a German warship patrolling the coast of Lebanon. (USA Today 10/26)

The Germans should have known better than to name it the Bismark.

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[] And speaking of names, officials in Bangladore, India have renamed it "Bengaluru." (USA Today 10/26)

Which barely edged out "Googleville" and "Toshiba Laptopuru."

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[] Iraq's top US general Casey says, "'Operation Together Forward' has not met our overall expectations." (USA Today 10/20)

Wait 'til he sees "Operation Impeach the Commander-in-chief."

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[] New York taxi rates will increase from twenty to forty cents a minute for idle time spent in traffic. (USA Today 10/26)

And the "pickup rejection" symbol will increase from one middle finger to two.

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[] A new study shows that an average driver could save $396 per year on gasoline expenses by losing 100 pounds. (USA Today 10/25)

Researchers studied Mafia drivers with and without a body in the trunk.

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[] Shaquille O'Neal, a deputy reserve sheriff, participated in a child porn raid which turned out to be at the wrong home. (USA Today 10/25)

In lieu of a lawsuit, the victims settled for Shaq personally inscribing their mug shots.

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[] Rush Limbaugh accused Michael J. Fox of "going off his meds" before apopearing in a Democratic campaign commercial. (USA Today 10/25)

Hey, if anyone is an expert on meds, it's Rushbo.

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[] Cheney tells Limbaugh "If you look at the general overall situation, our troops are doing remarkably well." (Los Angeles Daily News 10/22)

Overall, the Hindenburgh was doing fine, too----and then...

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Q: What's the Spanish word for "700 mile fence"?

A: Clothesline.

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[] Mens magazine Maxim will open a chain of steakhouses offering "sexy and sophisticated lighter fare." (USA Today 10/25)

The desserts are displayed on the menu's centerfold.

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[] Angela Lansbury will return to Broadway after a twenty-two year absence. (Associated Press 10/24)

"S.R.O., She Wrote."

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[] Two paintings missing from Harvard University for thirty years have been found and returned. (Associated Press 10/24)

Renoir's "Two Little Lambs Who Have Gone Astray" and Van Gogh's "The Table Down at Morrie's."

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[] The NBA has approved a new, more uniform basketball made of a microfiber composite, replacing leather. (USA Today 10/24)

PETA is up-in-arms, claiming the switch threatens the already engangered South American Mountain Micro.

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[] Tombs of royal dentists estimated to be 4000 years old have been discovered near Saqqara, Egypt. (Associated Press 10/23)

Believed to be the office of "Painless" Biscuspidamin III.

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[] Malawian father reverses his consent to Madonna's adoption of his son. (USA Today 10/23)

And she thought Sean Penn gave her a bad time.

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[] Britions appear to be split over whether Muslim women should be allowed to wear veils in government offices. (USA Today 10/23)

They split about the same as they do on the question of requiring Camilla Parker-Bowles to wear one.

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[] Pope extends "cordial greetings" to Muslims observing their holy month of Ramadan. (USA Today 10/23)

He went even further and invited several of them over for a toddy on Christmas Eve.

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[] Frito-Lay unveiled a new line of health-conscious snacks called "Flat Earth." (USA Today 10/23)

Soon to be followed by "Intelligent Design," "UFO" and "Bible Science."

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[] A high-ranking State Department diplomat says "The US is ready to talk to any group except al Qaida." (Associated Press 10/22)

And possibly that gang on "The View."

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[] A top State Department diplomat told an Arab news service that "There was arrogance and stupidity from the US in Iraq." (Associated Press 10/22)

He's been reassigned to investigate prisoner abuse at Guantanamo----from the inside.

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[] Filthy airplanes are becoming the norm as major air carriers outsource routine cleaning to the lowest bidders. (New York Times 10/24)

Passengers on Delta are now issued a pillow, a blanket and a Dirt Devil.

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[] The GOP has spent more than $3 million to retain the seat of disgraced congressman Bob Ney. (Associated Press 10/22)

Bob has even tossed some of his bribes into the pot.

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[] A visitor at Crater of Diamonds State Park in Murfreesboro, Arkansas found a 5.47 caret diamond. (Associated Press 10/22)

It was on the finger of another visitor, but still...

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[] Spoony Singh, founder of the Hollywood Wax Museum died at age 83. (Associated Press 10/22)

Following Indian tradition, Marilyn Monroe, Jayne Mansfield and Dagmar were thrown on his funeral pyre.

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[] Bush aides insist that he won't retreat from his vision of a united, stable, secure, and democratic Iraq. (Associated Press 10/21)

You know, like we have.

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[] Keith Urban, new husband of Nicole Kidmen, has checked himself into alcohol rehab. (Associated Press 10/21)

If you were constantly being compared to Tom Cruise, you'd drink too.

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[] Wesley Snipes has been located in Namibia. (Associated Press 10/21)

Working on his new movie "Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Tax Avoidance But Were Afraid to Ask."

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[] Haley Joel Osment has been sentenced on drunk driving and drug possession charges. (Associated Press 10/21)

"I see probation officers... "

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[] NBC will excise the controversial crucifixion scene from Madonna's televised concert from London. (USA Today 10/20)

They don't want to see anyone nailed to a cross---- with the possible exception of Katie Couric.

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[] The University of Wisconsin has sued Iowa's Waukie High School over their use of the letter "W" as a logo. (USA Today 10/20)

According to reliable sources, Der Weinerschnitzel is next.

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[] Anheuser-Busch has teamed with rapper Jay-Z to promote Budweiser Select. (USA Today 10/20)

Beer and rap. If ever there was a match made in heaven...

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[] "When there's more troops present, there's more chance of casualties," said the commander of the US 172nd "Stryker Brigade." (USA Today 10/20)

... 85th "Stating the Patently Obvious Battalion."

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[] Chief military spokesman in Iraq calls the bloodshed that's raged during October "disheartening." (USA Today 10/20)

Especially for the guys supplying the blood.

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[] Bush names new chief of the Department of Mine Safety. (USA Today 10/20)

Michael Brown with a canary on his shoulder.

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[] The traditional brass urns which hold cremated human remains are being replaced by picture frames, pendants, wind chimes, sundials and even Teddy Bears. (USA Today 10/20)

You can even have your loved one turned into a bag of barbecue briquettes.

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